Unicorn Wars

Unicorn Wars is a 2022 animated splatter war film written and directed by Alberto Vázquez. The plot is set against the backdrop of a conflict between anthropomorphized teddy bears and unicorns, following two bear siblings deployed in a military mission to a magical forest populated by wild unicorns.

Dialogue

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Let's go! You bunch of scumbags. Faster! The unicorns will ram their horns, so far up your sorry asses, you'll throw up every blueberry! You're trash. The worst group I've ever seen. If I let you out on the battlefield, I assure you, you wouldn't last a second. [Blackie groans and falls on the puddle.] Shame on you!

[All breathing]

Tubby: I want to go home.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: [whistles] Formation! In line! [Teddy bear recruits stood in a row.] Good God! That was pathetic and pitiful, rookies. How will you survive in the Magic Forest with that attitude? I'll personally see to it that from today on you learn discipline. This is the Love Camp! Honor, pain and cuddles!

All: [in unison chorus] Honor, pain and CUDDLES!!!

Blackie: [in sing-song voice] Good unicorn, dead unicorn...

Snuggles: Gentlemen, take a look. My proportions are perfect.

Smiles: Good teeth are a sign of good health. [Snickering.]

Pandi: Look at my scarf. It's so beautiful! As soft as the skin of a baby unicorn.

Bluey: Please, don't ashame them. Look at it! You're not beautiful.

Tubby: There is fear, little brother. You know, what former is not been.

Bluey: Former, former. Well now you are neither handsome nor loving. Instead...Instead look at me.

[Cuddly-Wuddly Twins, Blackie & Pandi along with Smiles exchange]

Tubby: How, he is handsome.

Bluey: Look at it is eye color, Aquamarine Blue.

Snuggles: Hey! You're not that perfect. Or did you think nobody's noticed the wrinkles around your eyes? Yes, he hides them with make-up every day. Even if he tries, you can see still them. They're ugly!

All: Oh! [In anger, Bluey steps towards and pushes him]

Bluey: Ugly? [His claws sharpen.] Who's the ugly one now? [Bluey scratches and then hits Snuggles]

Coco: Hey! [He runs towards and grabs Bluey's neck.] Calm down!

Snuggles: [crying] He hit me! [Everyone rushed towards him.] He hit me!

Father: What are you worried about, Son?

Bluey: [sadly] Nobody understands me. I only want to be the best, the best soldier possible. [bitterly cries]

Father: Don't cry, Son, don't cry. In war, you can't cry. You should not cry. You'll be the best if you're determined. You just need a reason to believe, you need something to hold on to when things aren't going well. I did it with this.

'Bluey: For me?

Father': Yes, for you.

Narrator: Woe to him who drinketh the blood of the last unicorn, for he shall become a beautiful and eternal being. And so God will return to the lost paradise. The only one little teddy bear, the chosen one, can perform such a feat.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Aim properly! The best way to kill a unicorn is to go through its neck. This way it'll suffer a while before dying.

Father: We won't win this war with arrows alone, Sergeant Ironstroke.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Good job, rookie. Good shots. Too bad they are nothing compared to his. [Dumbfounded and cringed, Bluey spots as Coco finished a shoots.] Being second is better than being the best loser. Congratulations, Coco. You have proven yourself to be the best.

Coco: Thanks, Sergeant.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Recruits! I know you admire me. But I won't always be with you. A group always needs an internal leader. Private Coco. I'm appointing you chieftain of the recruits!

Pandi, Blackie, Cuddly-Wuddly Twins, Smiles, Tubby, Snuggles: [cheering and congratulating Coco.] YAAAAY!! Good! Great! Yes! Yeah! Hooray! YEAHHHHH! Hooray! Hurrah! Coco is the best! Yes, the best!

[The scene cuts to Bluey grumpily leaving out of shooting range, where Tubby, Cuddly-Wuddly Twins, Pandi, Blackie, Snuggles & Smiles praising Coco.]

Father: Is it not true my sons, that the teddy bear is God's true creation? Is it not true that the unicorn stole our fertile land? That the sacred forest belonged to us through divine right? Is it not true that the unicorn must die? Death, death to the unicorn!

All: Death to the unicorn!

Chef: Porridge, dingy porridge! Come on, eat up!

[???]

Bluey: Ugh! It's revolting.

Both: It's disgusting.

Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 1: Why don't we get teddy bear food?

Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 2: Father says the Magic Forest is full of the blueberries.

Tubby: Yeah, blueberries. We need blueberries!

Blackie: Blueberries, nectar of the gods!

Tubby: Blueberries! Blueberries!

All: [chanting] Blueberries! Blueberries! BLUEBERRIES! BLUEBERRIES! BLUEBERRIES!

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Shut up, rookies! What's all this about? You are going to eat dingy porridge until it comes out of your ears! There are no more mammalian cuddles or affection here! Here cuddles are made of steel, blood, and pain! You're going to learn what tough love is, recruits. And you will end up liking it.

Captain Snout: Bloody hell! They're pathetic, Colonel. They're scumbags. This is the worst group I've seen in a long time.

Colonel Otto: Precisely, Captain Snout. They're perfect. They won't be an important loss. Or perhaps you don't know the expression "collateral damage"? [He eats apple.]

Commander Fluffy: This forest is cursed. How I hate those unicorns.

Colonel Otto: A person without hatred can never beat the enemy, Commander Fluffy.

[Suddenly, the door was knocked.]

Snuggles: Oh, no! Is Tubby really coming with us?

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Affirmative, Private Snuggle! We need a pack mule to carry the material and medicine. He's fat. Yes, I know.

Tubby: OW!!!

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: But he's strong!

Pandi: He'll slow us down! Nobody wants him to come.

Bluey: Hey, Pandi, not another word! He's my brother.

Colonel Otto: Recruits, today is a very special day. The most important day of your lives! At last, you are soldiers. You've earned it. Remember you're not alone, for you carry the teddy bear people in your hearts. I can't guarantee that we'll all return alive because the enemy is cruel and powerful. But, I can assure you that while I'm with you, I'll never abandon you, symbolically speaking.

Narrator: Many, many millions of years ago, the sacred garden shone with holy light, like the first morning dew. God created the magical garden, in his image and likeness and filled it with flesh. Flesh that flies, flesh that walks, flesh that runs, flesh that crawls, and flesh that swims. All the animals lived as free creatures of nature, inhabiting paradise. But one day the teddy bears discovered God's house, and inside was the sacred book on everything. And thanks to it, the teddy bears gained knowledge, progress, morals, and laws. The teddy bears were now superior to the other animals, as they had found God. But the unicorns, envious demons, decided to declare war on the chosen people. And so began the Holy War. A bloodthirsty war of death, hatred, and pain. The teddy bears were finally defeated, and the survivors were expelled from paradise forever. Condemned to wander aimlessly, humiliated and harassed as a community. Bearing the stigma of defeat forever. Woe to him who drinketh the blood of the last unicorn for he will become a beautiful and eternal being. And so God will return to the lost paradise.

[Fade to a magical forest, there various animals include turacos, hooked honeycreeper, frogs, small antelope, & a little animal.]

Snuggles: Hey, hey! Wait! I need this rest.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Private Snuggles, now get up!

Snuggles: I can't, Sergeant Ironstroke! My leg is hurt now.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Shame on you. War waits for no one, get up!

Snuggles: I won't, look! [The scene cuts to sick one foot, after being bitten by a venomous lizard, causing Bluey & Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 1# disgusting.] *cries*

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Take at rest, soldiers, pit stop!

[The scene cuts with fresh landscape, with Cuddly-Wuddly twins are sleeping, and priest drinking wine.]

Pandi and Blackie:: [sing-song voice] Rub it, pat it, stroke it Three days of sunshine, three days of rain The little foot will be well again.

[Smiles drinking a water. The scene transitions to Tubby about to feed a shrew piece of blueberry pie.]

Tubby: Come on. Come on, come here. You're so cute.

[The scene cuts to a little fox sees as recruits finds a group of rainbow myriapodas in the jungle clearing.]

Pandi: Look how cute they are.

Snuggles: Don't let them get away, they're so slippery.

Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 1: Oh my God! I'm starting to drool.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Well done, Private Bluey. We all needed something like this.

Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 2: Yes! It's finally big party time tonight.

Smiles: Mmmm! Myriapoda!

Father: Leave that creature alone. [He letting a myriapoda away from Smiles's hands.] It's a drug.

Smiles: A drug?

[Myriapoda runs away.]

Father: The sacred book forbids it! "You will not consume forbidden colored meats of the critters, they're the fruit of the devil!"

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Shut up in your mouth, Father! [A little fox sees again.] Enough with your religious prayers and gibberish. These soldiers are so screwed up. Look at them! God can back off tonight.

Father: God can't, not ever! What lack of morality. The chain's still waiting for you. You're not worthy of God's love.

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: [angrily] That's enough! There is no God in this place. We're in a war, a damned war!

Father: Let go of me, right now!

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Listen, you're getting on my nerves. And you know when I get nervous, my knife gets nervous. Huh? You see how it shakes? You see?

Coco & Tubby: [shocked and horrified] NO!!!

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: I'm very crazy, Father. Very crazy.

[???]

Smiles: They taste like metal!

Blackie: Dead unicorn...

[???]

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: I don't think I feel so well.

Myriapoda: Let's go to the forest! [Laughs evily.]

Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 1: [Gasps.] Brother. Brother!

Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 2: It's time for me to go... Alone.

Cuddly-Wuddly Twin 1: No, don't leave me. Cuddly-Wuddly! Cuddly-Wuddly!

Coco: Father, why are you here? Why did you come with us?

Father: God is everywhere. He's here, my son. He's in the war too. Not all of the Magic Forest is beautiful. Just like us, it's also sick. Infecting everything around it.

Coco: Father, what happened here?

Father: The unicorn, my children. The beast has no mercy. Children, take a good look at what we're fighting.

Coco: And what are we fighting? Tell us. We haven't even seen a crazy unicorn yet. This is a slaughterhouse!

Father: You have to have faith.

Coco: But what madness is this war? Look around you, Father. Having faith means not wanting to know the truth. This makes no sense. Let's go home!

Coco: Those nasty unicorns!

Bluey: Yeah, let's drink their blood. [Suddenly, green shade comes.] What's happening?

Coco: Oh no, they're getting closer!

[Tubby gasps and sees as unicorns came.]

Drill Sergeant Ironstroke: Oh my God!

Father: May God protect us!

Coco: Hurry, in position! Aim! Now!

[Arrows fly at body parts to unicorns, causing them to neigh in pain, then attacking and defeating Pandi, Blackie and Sergeant Ironstroke, avenge for Carmen's death. Coco tries to attack the unicorn but he was wounded.]

Bluey: Tubby!

[Bluey pushes Tubby away, while unicorn attacking Snuggles, killing him.]

Father: [His last words before he dies.] In the name of God, may you have eternal glory. Be strong, my children.

Tubby: No!

Bluey: Father!

[Father then sacrifice himself using the grenade that he picked up a grenade using it to blow both himself and the unicorns up with comic text KA-BOOM! was shown to ensure their survival.]

Bluey: Come on, let's go. Just you and me. Always together like Mom used to say. Look at him, he's already dead. Although you can see him, he doesn't exist anymore. Isn't that true? Aren't you dead already?... [Coco groans in pain, pviotally bleeding.] Actions have consequences, remember?

Tubby: [very excited] Listen, Bluey, a big river! It will lead us out of here. [laughs] There's a blueberry bush. It's humongous.

Let's go. You can come closer.

Bluey: [excited] How enormous they are!

Tubby: These blueberries are blueberrylicious!

Bluey: They are everywhere.

[They laugh and eating blueberries out of bush for fresh lunch]

Private Furry: Corporal Pompom, I can't take it anymore. I'm exhausted, Sir.

Corporal Pompom: We have to watch the border, Private Furry.

Private Grim: Good, The colonel and high-ranking commanders are resting and eating chickens in their golden cages.

Corporal Pompom: That was pathetic, you won't get anywhere in the army.

Bluey: Good shot, soldier.

Corporal Pompom: What? He's not the best.

Bluey: Corporal Pompom, in the Magic Forest, being the best won't do you any good.

Teddy Bear: The best is not always the strongest.

Private Grim: Lieutenant Bluey is a great soldier. He knows everything about the forest. Without a doubt, we can definitely trust him.

Bluey: Colonel, you're old and worn out. Tell me, how long have you spent in the forest? Do you know?

Colonel Otto: [nervously] How dare you?

Bluey: How dare I? The forest did this to me. Look me in the eye. That place is not paradise. Believe me, it's hell.

Colonel Otto: [His last words before he dies.] Who are you to talk to me like that? Lieutenant Bluey? Lieutenant Bluey!!!

Corporal Pompon: Sir, it's done. What should we do now, sir?

Bluey: Prepare the army. The Holy Land has begun.

Unicorn: It's war.

Ruth: The time has come.

Unicorn: And the Simians? Should we ask them for help?

Ruth: They will never join our side. They don't behave like the other animals in the forest.

Ruth: Let's going to warfare. We are in the forest, and we'll be DIE for the forest. [neighs.]

[So, Ruth and her fellow herd of unicorns charges and stampedes through the battlefield, including Maria.]

Cast

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