Rock Paper Scissors (TV series)
Rock, Paper, Scissors is an American animated comedy television series for Nickelodeon created by Kyle Stegina and Josh Lehrman that follows three roommates who share an apartment together and go on wacky adventures.
Season 1
[edit]Birthday Police / Paper's Big Lie [1.01]
[edit]- Rock: Get ready. 'Cause we're about to go on an adventure.
- Paper: There will be twists. There will be turns.
- Scissors: But if we stick together, [his sunglasses shine] I promise… we will complete this maze for ages five and under!
- Rock: Let's get the cat to the cat food!
- Paper: Yeah!
- Scissors: We got this.
[The Birthday Police Car speakers start playing a Rock and Roll version of "Happy Birthday"]
Speaker: [sings] Happy Birthday to you.
Rock: [screams] I love this song!
Speaker: [continues singing] Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday to you!
[Officer Wishowski aims the Confetti Cannon at the trio]
Scissors: Confetti Cannon! I can't see!
[Paper coughs as the trio wipe the confetti off their bodies]
Rock & Scissors: Jump jump. Hup hup. [they both fall to the floor] Jump jump. Hup hup. [they fall to the floor again] Jump jump. Hup hup. [they fall to the floor a third time and Paper's machine got knocked over]
Paper: [frustrated] What the heck are you doing?!
Scissors: Trying to do a jump jump kick.
Rock: You know, from video games. When your second jump is in the air, then you do a really cool kick.
[Rock and Scissors try to do it again but they fall to the floor once again]
Paper: Somehow you two are dumber together.
Scissors: [gets back up] Or we're smarter together.
Rock: [also gets back up] Got it. [he and Scissors try to high five each other but they slap their faces and fall to the floor the final time]
Pogo Sticks / Car Wash [1.02]
[edit]- [The trio are doing meditation poses until they're interrupted by thumping sounds from the fourth floor]
- Rock: What the heck was that?!
- Scissors & Paper: [darkly] The Rat Bros.
- [They show up at the Rat Bros' apartment on the fourth floor]
- Logan: [answers the door; smugly] 'Sup, losers?
- Rock: Losers?
- Paper: Come on.
- Scissors: Man, you're cool.
- Paper: What is going on in there?!
- Logan: Oh, we're doing pogo tricks, brah. [shows the trio his brothers: Brody, Brogan and Derf, on their pogo sticks] We're hosting a super cool pogo party this Sunday. You're welcome to come, except… oh, that's right…you don't have pogo sticks.
- Rat Bros: Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
- [Brody closes the door on the trio with his pogo stick; back at their apartment]
- Paper: [frustrated] Ugh! I hate those Rat Bros, yet, I care so much about what they think of me.
- Scissors: We have to get pogo sticks. If we don't, we won't be cool.
Weekend Story / Putty [1.03]
[edit]- Pencil: Skydiving? Wow, Paper. I was just about to be your girlfriend, but not anymore, you boring turkey! [pulls a lever, causing Paper to eject and laughs maniacally]
- Pencil #1: No conflict pirates?
- Pencil #2: Swords as decoration?
- Pencil #3: You wear glasses?
- Paper: You wear glasses?
- Pencil #3: Yeah, but I wear them as well.
- [The Pencil clones all press a button together, causing Paper to eject and laugh diabolically]
- Paper: You can run, but you can't fly! [laughs evilly; activating his drone]
Hide and Seek / The First Lou Episode [1.04]
[edit]- Scissors: [dramatic] You think you can hide from me?! Well, you're wrong because I… will… seek you! [playfully] Ready or not, here I come! [annoyed] Rock, you're behind the lamp. You're really bad at this game.
- [Rock notices and sighs sadly]
- Paper: Rock, I need your help to find Scissors.
- Rock: You have to find me first. [giggles]
- Paper: I mean, you're wearing camouflage against the blue wall.
- Rock: [notices] Okay, I'll do it. But only if I can keep playing.
- Paper: Sure. Go nuts.
- [Rock cartwheels back to the camouflage wall and sighs sadly]
- Rock: I am not good at this game.
- [The trio are knitting a friendship blanket together while singing a song when they hear a banging sound from the door]
- Lou: [off-screen] It's Lou. Let me in.
- Scissors: Shoot, it's the landlord!
- Paper: Don't answer it. I don't want to deal with that pile of garbage.
- Rock: Paper! He's not that bad.
- Paper: No, I mean, he's literally trash.
- [Rock opens the door, revealing Lou, a grumpy landlord standing in the doorway]
- Rock: Lou, can you please put on pants?
- Lou: Pants? What am I, rich? You'd think I work on Wall Street? Oh, look at me. I wear pants and own a sports team. Why don't I buy a Lamborghini, too, wear that around my legs?
- Lou: [as the end credits roll] Look at all these Hollywood phonies. Oh, Bob. Bob pronounces it "croi-ssant." Very annoying. Kurt, he's a fancy guy! Drinks seltzer! What are you, not getting enough free air? You got to pay to drink it? And let me tell you something about Nickelodeon, and I won't let them censor this! They... [a card sequence reading, "Oops! Please stand by" appears] I hope you like this episode, 'cause now, they get a lot worse!
The Susan / Eyebrows [1.05]
[edit]- Scissors: The Susan is right.
- Rock: The Susan is always right.
- Paper: Well, this is the first time The Susan has talked, remember?
- Rock: We're sorry.
- Scissors: We should have never changed you.
- Paper: Can you forgive us?
- Rock: [pacing back and forth] What am I gonna do about this audition?! Without my eyebrows, no one'll read my emotions!
- Paper: You seem very calm about this.
- Rock: No, I'm not! I'm freaking out!
- Paper: I can't-uh, do you need a snack? Are you cold? Did you slam your hand in a new or possibly old car door? [Rock draws angry eyebrows on two notepads and puts them on his forehead] Oh, oh, oh, you're upset. Don't worry. I think I can help you with my robotics invention. I'll make you… a pair of… animatronic eyebrows!
Scissors Gets a Job [1.06]
[edit]- Rock: You made money by faking injuries and suing people? That's terrible.
- Scissors: [mockingly] Oh, moral Rock doesn't like making his money through fraudulent lawsuits.
- Paper: Broke or not, you still have to pay for your pizza. Maybe it's time you stop being a bum and get a job.
- Scissors: [mockingly once again] Oh, judgmental Paper calls me a bum just 'cause I fit the definition of one.
- Paper: Why don't you ever wanna find work? Is it because you're not really good at anything?
- Scissors: [offended] Hey!
- Rock: Yeah, Scissors is good at lot of things, like, uh, sunglasses.
- Scissors: Forget you guys. I'll find work when I want to.
- Paper: Well, until you do, you can't have pizza with us.
- Scissors: [shocked] What?!
- Paper: In fact, every time you walk through that door, Rock and I will be eating pizza until it motivates you to get a job.
- Rock: Awesome!
- Scissors: [groans] Fine! You just watch. I'll have pizza money in no time. [bumps his leg on the table] Ow, my leg or-
- Judge: In the case of Scissors vs. Paper and his dangerous coffee table, the court rules in favor of Paper.
- Scissors: [rips the bandages off himself] Dang it! Alright. I'll get a job.
- Scissors: I've been fired from every job I've tried, and this was kind of my last option. But I guess I'll go home and tell my roommates they were right about me. I'm a loser.
- Paper: [weakly and stuffed with a huge belly] Scissors, did you… [stomach grumbles while he clutches it] Oh. …get a job yet?
- Rock: [pushes Paper aside, also stuffed with a huge belly] Please say yes.
- Scissors: Guys, I can't talk right now. I'm hiding out in a chamomile field.
- Paper: Oh, of course you are. Then you leave us no choice. [pulls a giant pizza pie] We're going to eat the most decadent pizza ever created.
- Rock: No!
- Paper: The Ultimate Meat Huggers Double Stuffed Deep Dishanator with 50 pounds… of cheese. [Rock starts crying as he eats a slice while Scissors looks confused] It's so… [grabs his stomach while groaning as it grumbles] ...good.
- Rock: [whimpers as Paper eats another slice] Oh, there's pizza underneath the pizza! [he and Paper eat more slices until they fall on their sides and holding their bellies in pain]
- Scissors: [gets an idea] Wait. I know what I'm good at! [runs away, dropping his phone]
- Paper: Oh, Rock, he ran away. We're gonna come find you, Scissors. We just want to have… [his stomach gurgles; groans] …as much fun… Oh, no. …as we're having!
- Rock: No more pizza! NO MORE PIZZA!!!!!
The Arctic / Prank War [1.07]
[edit]- Paper: Why is it so hot in here?
- Rock: Scissors crank the heater up so he can show off his new tank top.
- Scissors: Check it out! It's a monster truck with enormous biceps. It's perfect for tough guys like me. I even had them print my motto on the back. "If you want the 'ceps, you do the reps."
- Paper: You don't do the reps, and why are you in a tank top? It's winter. [opens the window blinds, revealing the winter sky and wind] You're gonna overload the heater like this. It can't handle… [the heater suddenly breaks down and the cold air breezes into the apartment; sighs in annoyance] Without me, you guys would not survive.
- [The trio stand outside of Lou's apartment]
- Lou: I'm raising the rent!
- Rock: Lou!
- Paper: Hold on!
- Scissors: Give us a second!
- Paper: Listen, our heater broke and we need you to fix it.
- Lou: [sarcastically] Oh, fancy, boys, you "set" the temperature in your apartment. You don't got to turn on a hot plate and rub it on your bum.
- Rock: You don't got it either.
- Lou: Well, I can't help you. I'm on my way to Landlord Con. It's a meetup for landlords where we talk about plumbing and famous literature.
- Scissors: Name one book.
- Lou: Fine, it's just plumbing. Anyway, I'll be back in three days. Mittens, you're the new landlord while I'm gone.
- [Mittens walks out of the doorway and meows to them as if he was saying "I'm raising the rent!"]
- Rock: Mittens!
- Paper: Come on!
- Scissors: That's so unfair! [as he and his friends return to their apartment] It'll be fine. We could survive without heat for three days.
- [They enter their apartment and shockingly find it all covered in snow and icicles]
- Paper: Well, we can go stay with my mom.
- Rock: New adventure! Rock, Paper, Scissors move in with Paper's mom!
- Paper: [trying to open the door, but only to find that it's quickly frozen; grunting] It's frozen shut! We're trapped!
- Scissors: By the way, fun fact about monster trucks-- they don't normally have biceps.
- Paper: [groans annoyingly] Well, we're off to a great start. We can't call for help because our phones are frozen. [to Scissors] You won't put on a jacket because you keep saying you "run hot."
- Scissors: [shivering; resisting the cold temperature] T-t-tough guys like me don't g-get cold.
- Paper: And Rock is not taking this seriously.
- Paper: [wearily while making an igloo] I just need to finish this igloo. That'll keep us safe.
- Rock: Oh, here's a good one. If you were a warm, nutritious food, what warm, nutritious food would you be? [igloo explodes, covering them in snow] Do you prefer the hot or the cold?
- Scissors: Fun fact about me, I actually run…
- Paper: [snapping] Shut up! Shut up! Ah, I hate this! I am tired of you two being incapable, and I hate always being the savior of this group!
- Scissors: What'll it take to get you to join? You want money, gifts, someone to hug you and say, "Good job, son"? Wait, that's what I want.
- Paper: Look, pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society. Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them. As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!
- Scissors: [to Rock] How funny would it be if that wrecking ball would hit him right now?
- Pencil: [bursting into their apartment] Guys, the Rat Bros asked me to join their side in the prank war!
- Rock: [shocked] WHAT?! Wait, I actually don't know how to feel about this yet. Keep talking.
- Pencil: I'm so excited! Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a huge trickster. One time, I told a coworker something was made of polycarbonate when it was actually made of polythylmethacrylate!
- Paper: [chuckles] Oh, you are bad.
- [The trio are hiding behind a bush in the park, watching the Rat Bros weightlifting]
- Scissors: Okay. What's the plan, new guy?
- Paper: I say we sneak up and blast them with my water balloon cannon. Now, Rock! Push the button!
- Rock: [tries to push the button but the laser zaps him causing him to dance uncontrollably] I'm trying but I can't stop dancing!
- Scissors: I'll do it. [the laser zaps him; his body starts to inflate like a balloon and floats away] What is- Rock, grab me! GRAB ME! [holds onto the cannon]
- Paper: What the heck is going- [the laser zaps him; screams as his neck extends like a giraffe and his giraffe-like head falls to the ground] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
- [The Rat Bros walk up to them]
- Rock: Oh, the party won't stop!
- Logan: 'Sup, boys? Were you planning to blast us with your secret weapon? Well, we have a secret weapon too.
- Pencil: [popping up from a nearby bush] I made an atomic transmogrification laser! It can alter molecular structure in really crazy ways! Watch. [zaps Scissors' head, causing it to also inflate]
- Scissors: My head! My head is a balloon! [floats away]
- Paper: Okay, this might be a bit harder than I thought.
- Scissors: Sharp branch! Sharp branch!
- [Scissors' nose is poked by a branch and deflates around while the Rat Bros laugh]
- Logan: [wakes up when he hears loud crashing sounds] Did you guys hear something? [his brothers wake up, also hearing the sound; they walk over to Scissors, disguised as a graffiti painting, then walk over to Rock, mistaking him for a smart device] Smart device, play smooth jazz. [Rocks plays some music, but not smooth jazz; walks over to Paper holding a sign saying: "I'm a TV"; realizing something] Wait a second. [turns back to Rock] That's Afro-Cuban jazz!
- [Rock smiles sheepishly]
- Paper: GRAB THE LASER!
- [The Rat Bros have tied up the trio to chairs for sneaking into their apartment and trying to steal Pencil's transmogrification laser]
- Scissors: [to Brody, Brogan and Derf] Hey, I know we're in a prank war right now, but I just wanna say I really respect you guys. Prank! You're trashed! Ha, ha! We got one, guys. We got one.
- Pencil: Theft, Paper? That was your plan? You know, I expected something that basic from Scissors, and maybe Rock, 'cause I don't know much about him.
- Rock: We should hang out more.
- Pencil: We should! But come on, man, up your game. It's like, I'm Issac Newton and you're Godfried-Willem Raes.
- Scissors: [interrupting the Prank War award ceremony while in a mech suit] Stop that crowning!
- Woman: What? Stop the crowning?
- Paper: [walks up on the stage] Oh, you thought this was over? [snickers] Well, prank! [Scissors grabs Derf from his seat; stands on the podium] Ladies and gentlemen, answer me this: How can the Rat Bros accept the prank crown if the Rat Bros aren't all on this planet? [Derf is then strapped to a rocket] Yes! Do it, Scissors! Wedgie that Rat Bro into space! Look at me now, Pencil! I'm Issac Newton! I'm Issac Newton! [laughs maniacally, shaking the podium]
- [Rock, Pencil, the Rat Bros, the audience and Paper all watch as Scissors is preparing to fire the missile and send Derf off into space]
- Scissors: [suddenly having a change of heart] No. [deactivates the rocket and sets Derf down]
- Paper: What?
- Scissors: No more prank war! [the audience gasps] I just had a huge revelation. Pranks are mean, and they're hurting our society.
- Paper: Wait, that's what I said.
- Scissors: Just think what we could accomplish if we stopped tricking people and started helping them.
- Paper: [baffled] Is he doing my speech?
- Scissors: As a man of science, I'd rather spend my time changing the world, curing diseases, and bringing back the rainforest!
- [The audience clap and cheer, and the Rat Bros whistle]
- Rock: Whoo!
- Logan: [kneels down to Scissors] Good job, son. [he and Scissors hug as the latter sheds tears of happiness]
Key Limes / Six Pieces of Turkey [1.08]
[edit]- Scissors: [pukes in the trash can and moans] Oh, man. Did you see me driving back there? I was cool as a cu- [pukes in the trash again] …cumber.
The Other Rock Paper Scissors / The Astonishing Catalina [1.09]
[edit]- Better Rock, Paper, & Scissors: Hello!
- Scissors: Oh, boy.
- Better Rock: Come in, come in!
- Paper: Huh. Your place looks similar to ours.
- Scissors: Although, I see you don't see have a TV.
- Better Scissors: Why would we need a TV? We're too entertained by our friends.
- Rock, Paper & Scissors: Ugh.
- Better Rock: Thanks for bringing these over. Funny enough, we just got some of your mail today, too.
- Paper: I don't understand.
- Scissors: You're smarter than us, you're nicer than us, you're at least 15 other things better than us. What's wrong with you guys?!
- Better Scissors: You tell us. We're always willing to grow.
- [Scissors yells in rage]
- Better Paper: Hey, you seem upset. Why don't we all go to the couch and talk about our feelings?
- [The better trio fly back to the couch]
- Rock: You fly too?!
- Scissors: We can live like this.
- Catalina: Why won't you let me do the trick?!
- Scissors: Because it makes me feel uncool!
- Catalina: What are you talking about? You're effortlessly cool! The only way I can feel cool is by doing magic!
- Scissors: I find that hard to believe, 'cause everything about you is cool! You're stylish and confident and turn horses into dragons!
- Catalina: But you never blink an eye! I've done so many horrible things to you and you always say you can live like this!
- Scissors: YOU'RE THE COOLEST PERSON I KNOW!
- Catalina: THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!
Pencil Comes Over / The Wind [1.10]
[edit]- Paper: I can't believe that worked.
- Scissors: I know. It went exactly like I-[pukes on the ground] Oh, whatever.
- Sandpaper: You're the vomit boy?
- Scissors: That was one time and it hasn't happened si- [pukes on the ground again] Oh, why?
The Holiday Picture / Scrubs [1.11]
[edit]- Rock: Guys! We got more holiday cards!
- Paper: [disappointed] Man, everyone looks so perfect in these photos-- Lou, the Rat Bros, even Crazy-Eyed Pirate.
- Rock: Who?
- Scissors: I don't know. We met a lot of wacky characters. It's hard to keep track.
- Paper: Why can't we take a good holiday picture? Every year, something goes wrong. There was that year Rock's head got stuck in a honey jar, the year we had broccoli in our teeth, the year we were all 8-bit, the year Scissors went Super Saiyan.
- Scissors: That year was awesome!
- Paper: And the year Rock dressed up as some old cartoon character.
- [The last photo shows Rock in his Rocko getup from Rocko's Modern Life]
- Rock: You didn't enjoy "Rocko, Paper, Scissors"?
- Paper: Eh, it was okay.
- Scissors: I liked that show. The main guy was always like… [imitating Rocko's voice] "Hey, mate, I'm Rocko, and I have a dog named Spunky. He-he." [normally] Or something like that. I don't do a very good impression.
- Paper: I just want one perfect holiday photo.
- Rock: Wait. Where is your chain?
- Scissors: Oh! Toast Ghost is covering it! Aw, man! Now the caption doesn't make any sense!
- [The trio are eating at a cafe while Paper is dressed in medical scrubs]
- Scissors: [bitter with jealousy] So, we're just not gonna talk about Paper's clothes.
- Paper: Whatever do you mean?
- Rock: Guys, let's be peaceful.
- Scissors: I mean, you're wearing scrubs. You are not a doctor, and yet, you are wearing the clothes a doctor wears.
- Paper: Oh, is that what these are? I thought they were pajamas.
- Scissors: And the stethoscope?
- Paper: I thought it was a necklace.
- Scissors: Yeah? You wear necklaces now?
- Rock: Scissors, take a breath.
- Scissors: This is insane! He's so desperate for respect, he put on scrubs so people think he's a doctor. Well, no one's buying it, Paper!
- Orange-haired Kid: Wow, a real-life hero! [offers Paper to sign his autograph] How can I be a doctor one day?
- Paper: I'll say this, it's more than just putting on the clothes.
- Scissors: That's literally all he did!
- Rock: Let's ask why this upsets you.
- Scissors: Rock, you went on one meditation retreat, you're not some wise, old sage. [points to Paper] And he's not a doctor! I bet he can't even tell you what hospital he works at!
- Scissors: [grumbles annoyingly] I'm gonna get more respect than you, Paper. And I know someone's society respects even more than doctors. [walks off and comes back, wearing a basketball jersey]
- Paper: What are you wearing?
- Scissors: A basketball jersey… Which I guess makes me a professional basketball player.
- Paper: Oh, please. You really think people are going to believe that you're…
- Woman: Ronald Jamison!
- Orange-haired Kid: [sitting with three humanoid children pair of scissors] What the heck is going on?
- Scissors: Come on, Paper, I'm really hurt! Just admit you're not a doctor!
- Paper: Only if you admit you're not Ronald Jamison!
- Scissors: Why don't I admit myself to the hospital…where you don't work!
Bowling / The Character Quiz [1.12]
[edit]- Rock: Want to tell your problems to a rock you never met?
- Bowling Owner: [sighs] It's that Scissors guy. He's putting me out of business. See? At my bowling alley, a perfect score gets you a free tub of curly fries and a free game. And Scissors got so good at bowling, he hasn't paid for a game in 2 years.
- Rock: Yeah, Scissors gets carried away when he finds a deal. It tends to turn him into a cartoon villain.
- [Scissors laughs deviously while wearing an evil mustache made of curly fries]
- Rock: [to Scissors] Listen, Scissors. It would really help the owner if you started paying for curly fries.
- Scissors: Oh, naive Rock, always trying to help. Don't you know how life works? You don't win by helping. You win by taking advantage, and exploiting deals for all... they're... worth! [laughs maniacally as lightning bolts flash behind him] Man, these deals make me a maniac.
- Rock: I like to believe that if you reach out your arms to others, their arms will reach back out to you.
- Scissors: You also believe the Earth is heart-shaped. I can't trust anything you say.
- Rock: Then how about this? I challenge you to a game of bowling. If I win, you have to start paying for curly fries. But if you win, you get the bowling alley.
- Scissors: Seriously? I mean, yeah, of course. That's a very uneven deal.
- Scissors: [disappointed] I was awful back there. I know I'll probably just find another deal and do this all again.
- Rock: Don't worry, Scissors. I found one deal I do want you to take advantage of. [hands him a letter]
- Scissors: [reads the letter] "Buy five sessions, get the sixth free!" [later cut to him talking to a therapist] I will take advantage of this therapy deal. I will exploit it to the ends of the Earth! [lightning bolts flash behind him once again]
- Therapist: And where do you think that comes from?
- Scissors: [starts crying] I don't know!
- [Paper and Scissors both got Stephernie from taking a character quiz from their favorite sitcom: "The Gang's All Here" and Rock ends up getting Creepo the Stinkboy]
- Creepo: I hang out in abandoned petting zoos. My favorite part of the popsicle is the stick. I hiss at passing cars. [hisses at a car that just passed him] I have a lot of chest hair in this jar! [holds up a jar of his chest hair]
- Dave: Creepo, why can't you be more like me? Dave.
- Rock: See?
- Logan: [enters the trio's apartment] I heard you guys got Stephernie. I got Stephernie!
- Brody: I got Fire Hydrant.
- Lou: [sliding in] I got Dave!
- Scissors: Sure.
- Logan: I see that.
- Paper: Me too.
- Rock: How? How do you see that?
- Logan: Hey, some Stephernies and I are having a party to watch the 1,000th episode. Now that we're all Stephernies, I'm willing to put aside our differences if you want to come. [he, Paper, and Scissors all hold hands and squeal in joy]
- [Paper and Scissors show up at the Rat Bros' apartment for a private Stephernie party while carrying pizza]
- Logan: [answers the door] Come in! I see you brought pizza, as a Stephernie would. Please, put it on the table and join the party.
- Scissors: Wow, check out all these other Stephernies. Baron Von Snootsberg, Robot Executive.
- Paper: Sandpaper, you're a Stephernie, too?
- Sandpaper: Of course, we're both career women, and we both have a secret love of ribbon dancing. [gasps] Oh, no. Secret's out.
- Scissors: [noticing something] Wait a minute! Someone brought pepperoni pizza, when everyone knows Stephernie's favorite topping is an entire Thanksgiving dinner! Someone here is not a Stephernie! [the others gasp in shock] No one's going anywhere, even if it takes all week, we will find the imposter, and when we do, there will be a severe punishment.
- Scissors: I will find this imposter by testing all of you on details only a true Stephernie would know. [to Sandpaper] What's Stephernie's last name?!
- Sandpaper: Stephernie.
- Scissors: Good. [to Baron Von Snootsberg] Walk like Stephernie! [Baron Von Snootsberg makes monkey moves around the room and hooting like monkey] Good. [to Female Robot Executive] In season 16, episode 2, what does Stephernie say when she arrives at her younger sister's lake house?
- Female Robot Executive: Oh, I don't know. You guys are going to kill me. I'm the fraud at the party!
- [Paper sighs in relief]
- Scissors: That's exactly what she said.
- Paper: [nervously] Uh, I have to go to the bathroom… [everyone looks at him, suspicious] in a Stephernie way. [walks to the Rat Bros' bathroom like a monkey]
- Female Robot Executive: Yes, that checks out.
- Scissors: Yeah, very Stephernie.
- Rock: [on the phone with Paper] You snuck into a Stephernie party?! That is shameful behavior.
- Paper: [hiding in the bathroom; on the phone with Rock, pacing back and forth] You just said you're breaking into a TV studio!
- Rock: For my identity, Paper! My identity is at stake!
- Paper: Look, I've never seen an episode. You gotta tell me everything you know about Stephernie.
- Rock: Well, she's a pretty simple character. She has a degree in biochemistry, sleeps upside down, and fought in six wars.
- Paper: What is this show?
- Scissors: [standing up against the bathroom door, having to have heard everything] Not a Stephernie, huh?
- Paper: [pleading for mercy] I'm sorry! I just wanted to be a part of something! Don't punish me!
- Scissors: [kneels down] Who even are you? Brobby, the Wizard, Cheesy the Iguana?
- Paper: Seriously, what is this show?
- Wizard: Listen, Fire Hydrant, I'm your brother. And I don't think this man you're dating is right for you.
- Fire Hydrant: I can't help it. I like my men like I like my fires… Smokin'!
- Creepo: Hey, pal. You're the Creepo here. Here's your popsicle stick and your chest hair.
- Scissors: I'm sorry, Paper. I should have never tried to dunk you in a vat of hot lava just for not identifying with the same fictional TV character.
- Paper: And I'm sorry that-- [realizes] actually, my thing wasn't that bad.
Potato / The Fart Joke Debate [1.13]
[edit]- Paper: It's "The Paper Show"! Get ready for a one-man show starring Paper and his many talents. [Logan gets up and walks away] The greatest juggling act you've ever seen in three... two... [throws some things which are deadly and screams] Hey, dummy. Want to sing as I drink milk? [drinks milk and notices a dummy is not singing] No. Gonna do some improv for you. I just need a word to get started.
- Scissors: Jacket!
- Paper: Can I get another word?
- Pencil: Circus!
- Paper: Can I get a fruit that's round and orange?
- Rock: Kumquat!
- [Paper rolls his eyes, thinking of another plan to entertain his friends]
- Paper: [rapping] When I say "Paper", you say "rules". Paper-
- Rock, Scissors, Pencil, & Lou: No.
- Potato: I don't even know how I got here.
- Paper: Eh. I just don't like fart jokes.
- [everyone gasps in horror]
- Rock: What did you say?
- Paper: I don't think they're funny.
- [everyone gasps again]
- Scissors: Not even Long Squeakers?
- Pencil: Butt Trumpets?
- Rock: Wet and Nasties?
- Paper: Ew, what? No.
- Scissors: [to Pencil and Rock] Guys, drop any plans you had. It's time we prove to Paper that fart jokes… are funny.
Paper's Secret Weapon / The Sled Hill [1.14]
[edit]- Paper: [mumbling to himself while working] Stupid Euclid. Easy to be smart when you were alive. There were only, like, three numbers back then.
- Scissors: Hey, Paper. What are you working on?
- Paper: [turns around with an angry face] I did it. You didn't believe in me, but I created a tabletop fusion reactor that can produce unlimited clean energy!
- Rock: Whoa.
- Scissors: Now this is a winner. The judges are gonna love it.
- Paper: Yeah, and then I'm gonna hurricane kick them in the face! [karate kicks a wall and runs off]
- Rock: We might have made him a little too angry.
- Scissors: Yeah. If he kicks a judge, he's definitely gonna lose. Then he'll be sad and angry.
- Rock: [to Paper who's stomping, kicking, and growling] Paper, your invention is amazing. I'm proud of you now, and always.
- [A rainbow appears from his head and into Paper's head reverting him to his normal happy self]
- Paper: Thanks, Rock. I really appreciate that.
- Paper: Scissors, I forbid you from sledding down that hill. It's a slippery slope straight to the emergency room. Also, don't add anything I didn't say during this flashback. I'm a big stick-in-the-mud, poopy-pants, poop-poop guy.
- Rock: [runs up to Scissors who's lying on the ground] Scissors, are you alright?
- Scissors: [sits up] Oh, my arm.
- Rock: [looks at Scissors' right arm] Looks okay to me. [sees his broken left arm] Oh, the broken arm.
- Scissors: [whining] Rock, I can't move it. I think it's stuck like this.
- Rock: Don't worry. I got a first aid kit from Chad's Medical School. [opens the case and springs pop out of it] It's also a comedy school.
- Scissors: [groans]
- Rock: We gotta get Paper.
- Scissors: No! You know Paper. He's gonna say, "I was right" like he always does, and turn it into a whole production. We just have to hide this from him until my arm heals. Are you with me?
- Rock: I'm with you. [high fives Scissors, causing him to scream in pain and his arm starts throbbing] Oh, right. Your arm.
Scissors' Catapult / Pencil and Potato [1.15]
[edit]- Paper: [tries to turn on the lamp but it doesn't work] Huh, bulb's dead. I should probably go to the store and get a new one. [he goes to the roof instead] However did I get here? Oh, perhaps Rock's right. It seems irresponsible to- [he catapults the lamp into the sky and laughs joyfully] I’M FINALLY ALIVE!!!! I got to find more stuff. [whistles but accidentally breaks a toaster] Whoops! Guess I gotta catapult this toaster. [accidentally breaks the chair] Oh, no! Can't sit on a broken chair… Guess I gotta catapult that too. [tries to push the fridge to make it fall] And is this fridge gonna fall? [straining] Is this… fridge… gonna… Ah, come on!
- Rock: Paper, are you breaking things to justify catapulting them?
Future Kevin: If you're not going to mow my lawn, I'll make you mow my lawn!
Future Scissors: [while wearing a horse costume] You wouldn't hurt a horse, would you?
- Pencil: But we hiked up this mountain together, and I don't know to get back home!
- Scissors: There's no time, Pencil! There's no time for anything!
- Flub-Bub: Flub-Bub?
- Rock: Flub-Bub wants to go to Lobster Fest.
- Paper: Oh, there's definitely time for Lobster Fest.
- Potato: Oh, this is bad. We're gonna miss Lobster Fest.
- Waitress: I loved that helicopter ride, Flub-Bub. It was so romantic.
- [Flub-Bub nods his head then tents his fingers waiting for something to say]
- Rock: Oh, no. He's running out of conversation.
- Scissors: Quick! Feed him a line!
- Paper: Uh… [touches his ear that is under a headset with his finger] Flub-Bub.
- Flub-Bub: Flub-Bub!
- Waitress: [swoons] Oh, Flub-Bub.
- [Rock, Paper and Scissors sigh in relief]
- Scissors: Good save, Paper. I think we just avoided a huge catastrophe.
- Flub-Bub: [turns into a giant alien monster called a Flub-Bubby, causing the Waitress to scream and run away; in deep voice] Flub-Bubby!
- Rock: Oh.
- Scissors: Right.
- Paper: Totally forgot about that.
Resolutions / Paper's Book Club [1.16]
[edit]- Scissors: You know calculators are usually smaller than that, right? And don't run on someone shoveling in coal?
- Paper: Whatever, it works.
- Scissors: Ah, Paper's such a jerk. Making fun of me just 'cause I didn't do my resolution, and also forgot what it was. Well, I'll show him. I still have 12 hours to complete it, and prove I'm not a failure.
- Rock: And I'm going to help you, because my resolution was to help as many people as I can with their resolutions.
- Scissors: But isn't helping people what you normally do? I mean, your resolution could have just as easily been be a rock this year.
- Rock: You know, you can be a jerk sometimes too.
- Paper: [talking about Scissors' resolution] January 1st: Scissors sees a poorly-translated Foreign film called "Buff Man Lift 450 Pounds Be Success".
- Buff Man: I lift weight, prove I big success!
- Paper: The resolution is made. January 2nd: Scissors buys every piece of gym equipment he can find and a giant tub of muscle powder. [Scissors tries to open the lid] But he's not strong enough to open the lid. January 3rd: Scissors eats an entire chocolate cake, feels badly about himself, and gives up on his resolution. And that's the end of the story. Although, there was a day in mid July where Scissors remembered the resolution and had a moment of renewed resolve. But then he ate another entire chocolate cake and felt terrible about himself.
- [Scissors moans in disappointment]
- Scissors: How am I so weak? I ate 50 raw eggs.
- Rock: You did what?!
- [Scissors queasily pukes in the toilet due to a bad pain in his stomach]
- Scissors: Ugh, I'm gonna look like a fool! Paper makes me so mad I could just flip this… [tries to flip over the weight bench] well, maybe not the weight bench, but these tinier weights! [tries to flip them] Or at least this weight bench instruction manual! [tries to flip the manual; groans] How is this possible?! [later sits on the floor, watching "Buff Man Lift 450 Pounds Be Success" while eating an entire chocolate cake and feeling horrible about himself… as usual]
- Scissors: [to Paper] Hey, can we talk for a second? [looks at the camera] Uh, off camera? [cut to them in his room, with the camera filming them] Look, I know I'm a failure. You know I'm a failure. But… but it's another thing for millions of people to see that on the big screen. So I'm begging you, please don't finish this documentary.
- Paper: [sighs] Scissors, I'm glad you told me that… [turns to the camera] because I needed it for this movie! [laughs and leaves]
- [Scissors lifts up Paper's calculator and throws it out of the apartment building and it crashes into the street, with hamsters crawling out of it before the clock strikes 12:00]
- Rock: There were hamsters in there?
- Paper: [to Scissors] How the heck did you do that?! That calculator weighted 450 pounds!
- Scissors & Rock: [both gasp; simultaneously] I completed my New Year's resolution!
- Scissors: Let's sharpen our pens! [sharpens his pen with a pencil sharpener and getting his face covered in ink]
- Rock: Scissors! Scissors, stop! Let me sharpen my pen! [does the same thing like Scissors did]
- [Words appear reading: "Don't try this at home. Obviously."]
- Paper: [annoyed while he facepalms] Doofuses. [suddenly gets an idea] Wait. That's it! I can feel smart if I surround myself with doofuses! I'll just start a book club with the least intelligent people I know!
- Convenient News Reporter: This just in, multiple business owners are sad today, as they've had to close from all the free things they've given away to satisfy customer complaints. And as we all know, the only people who write complaints are whiny little poops. Here's a sketch of what such poops may or may not look like.
- [A drawing sketch of Rock and Scissors is shown]
- Rock: [shocked] Oh, no, we're hurting people!
- Rock: [attempting to return all the free stuff] I'm giving it back!
- Scissors: [trying to stop him] You're not giving it back!
- Paper: [barges into the apartment] Guys, I'm in trouble! My book club starts in 20 minutes, and I… [looks around at all the free stuff] have no idea what this is.
- Rock: Scissors and I wrote complaints to get free things, but we took it too far, and now we have to return all this stuff we don't deserve. Clothes, phones. [A pink flamingo walks past them] I don't even know what we complained about to get that.
- Paper: Wait. That's it! I don't need to understand the book. I just need to complain that it's bad, because people who complain are automatically viewed as right.
- Scissors: See? We're right. Besides, everything we complained about is totally justified.
- Rock: Really? Well, then why do we have all the heads from Easter Island?
- Nickelodeon Executive: Thanks for coming into the Nickelodeon offices today, Scissors. We brought you in because we received a complaint letter from, well, him.
- [Rock sits next to her and glares at Scissors, revealing he's the one who wrote the letter]
- Scissors: [offended] Oh, you whiny little poop.
- Nickelodeon Executive: [reading the letter] "Dear Nickelodeon… In your program, "Rock Paper Scissors", Scissors' behavior has been morally reprehensible."
- Scissors: Everyone's so sensitive.
- Nickelodeon Executive: [continues reading] "He rarely learns lessons, and, when given the opportunity to grow, continues with awful behavior."
- Scissors: Yeah, that's what makes me fun.
- Nickelodeon Executive: [finishes reading] "This is not a character who should be exposed to our children. Please do something immediately." I'm sorry, but we're suspending you from the show for two weeks.
- Scissors: WHAT?! (Two weeks?!) Who are you even gonna get to replace me?
- [The show's intro plays with Nutso, the Rapping Squirrel as Scissors' temporary replacement and the show's title being changed to "Rock Paper Nutso"]
- Nutso: This show's about to get Nutso!
National Paper Day / Helping with the Groceries [1.17]
[edit]- Paper: [stretching himself] Alright, Paper, you haven't exercised in three years. Time to run a marathon! [exits the apartment building, and is surprised to see the whole town celebrating and watching a parade led by Rock]
- Rock: Happy International Rock Day!
- Paper: International Rock Day? That's not a real holiday.
- Rock: Sure, it is. Every July 13th, we throw rock beads… We hit rock piñatas… And we just generally rock out, especially Scissors.
- Scissors: [leading a marching band] Whoo-hoo! I love this parade energy! Let's keep the party going!
- Paper: (Hello?) Is this the Committee of National Holidays?
- Rock: [turning around in his chair, revealing himself] You bet it is!
- Paper: [suprised] Rock?! You're on the committee?!
- Rock: Yeah, I'm the head of it, along with the representatives of National Pencil Day, National Potato Day, National Bubble-blowing Day, and of course, National Raspberry Cake Day.
- Raspberry Cake: I'm cake.
- Paper: [disbelieved] Good Lord. Anyway, I'd like a day, please.
- [The representatives all laugh]
- Rock: Paper, we don't just give out days.
- Pencil: Yeah, each one of us has presented a case for why we deserve one.
- Potato: I don't even know how I got here.
- Pencil: Yes, you do, Potato. You gave a speech that brought us to tears.
- Potato: That presentation was terrible.
- Scissors: [sulking as cars behind him are stuck in traffic] Go around, I've had a bad day!
- [Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying a bunch of groceries]
- Paper: Scissors, can you help us bring in the groceries?
- Scissors: [sitting on the couch, holding a sandwich] I would, but my hands are full.
- Rock: Well, just put it down.
- Scissors: [now holding a lamp] Now I have another thing.
- Paper: Scissors!
- [Scissors whistles while holding a sandwich, a lamp, and three bowling balls]
- Rock: Scissors, come on! Can you just help us one time?
- Nice Scissors: I don't see what the big deal is. It's just putting away some groceries.
- Scissors Citizen: Oh, sure, first you're putting away groceries. Next you're donating a kidney!
- [All the Scissors in the court shout angrily]
- Chairman Scissors: [banging the gavel] Order! Order! Have you forgotten why we don't help? Don't you remember the Ice Cream incident? [inserts the tape into a VCR]
- [The footage shows Young Scissors standing in line at an ice cream stand]
- Young Scissors: [to a little girl; politely] You can cut in front of me if you want.
- Nice Scissors: Excuse me. Could I talk to you about helping?
- Traffic Cop Scissors: Can't you see I'm busy directing traffic? [makes the cars crash into each other and laughs sinisterly]
- Firefighter Scissors: There it is! Step on it!
- [The fire truck pulls up at a fast food drive-thru]
- Firefighter Scissors #2: We'll have six burgers.
- Drive-Thru Employee Scissors: Make 'em yourself.
- Nice Scissors: [talking to Wife Scissors] Am I crazy? Should I just vote not to help?
- Wife Scissors: Yes! It's like Chairman Scissors always says, "The world is a dark place. Helping leads to hurt."
- Nice Scissors: But how do we know for sure?
- Wife Scissors: Here, hand me some water. [Nice Scissors offers her a glass of water and she smacks it into his face] See what happens when you try to help?
- Nice Scissors: Could've just taken the water.
- Wife Scissors: You're not making any sense. Just go back to watching TV and try to live in with that horrible feeling we all have.
- [A memory footage shows Young Scissors running down the school hallway, and accidentally rips his pants while crouching down to pick up a piece of paper, showing his underwear and butt crack]
- Young Scissors: Oh, no! I ripped my pants at school! [gets attacked by a Pterodactyl that swooped in]
- Nice Scissors: That was a bad day.
The Family Business / Glitter Bomb [1.18]
[edit]- Rock: [covered in glitter after singing a tune while getting mail] What just happened?
- Scissors: I think someone sent you a glitter bomb.
- Rock: [getting angry] Do you know how difficult it is to remove glitter? Who would do this to me? [sadly] Who would do this to me?! [furiously] WHO WOULD DO THIS TO ME?!
[After Rock catches Paper with a fishing pole]
Paper: No! Please! Please!
Rock: [holds up tape] It's folding time.
Paper: Forgive me! Forgive me! No!
Rock: [reveals the words on the tape saying "Gotcha"] [happy] Gotcha!
Paper: What?
Scissors: [runs up to him] Gotcha! Oh, man. We got you so good!
Paper: What the heck is going on?
Rock: We knew you did the glitter bomb the whole time.
Scissors: So we thought it'd be funny if Rock pretended to be enraged by it and go on a crazy manhunt to scare you.
Paper: What?!
Scissors: Yeah, all of us were in on it. The mailman, Chad BrockChad, all the prisoners.
Rock: [giggles] Pretty funny, huh, Paper?
Paper: Are you insane? This isn't funny at all! I thought my life was in danger!
Scissors: It's just a joke.
Paper: I've been living Alaska for eight months! I bought a house here! I- [stammers] Look. I should have never tried to be funny, but you two shouldn't have either, so no more jokes. Okay? From now on, let's just all agree that none of us are funny.
Rock: Yeah. I guess none of us are funny.
Scissors: Not a one of us.
[the trio sadly stare one by one at the viewer]
Diapers / R.O.V.E.R. [1.19]
[edit]- Paper: Scissors, why did you bring us here? This place is awful.
- Scissors: Because it's the hottest spot in town. I've got to be seen here to maintain my cool reputation.
- Paper: You don't have a cool reputation.
- Scissors: [after throwing all the diapers into the ocean as they start absorbing] Oh, no! I forgot how absorbent they are!
- Paper: Chad was right not to work with us. Our business was a huge failure.
- Scissors: [sobbing] AND MINE WAS A HUGE SUCCESS!
- Rock: Yeah, we heard about that. [outside the apartment building, a giant diaper rolls down the street, passing by] It's okay, Scissors. I'm sure everyone will forget about this once a better diaper comes along.
- Scissors: How could you make a better diaper? It would have to have Bluetooth, compatibility, be reversible, and get out the toughest stains, with half the calories! [Rock and Paper both gasp and take out their invention, believing he's signifying it] It would need to keep your hot drinks hot and your cold drinks cold, and I wouldn't want my face on it, and it'd had to have, I'll just randomly say, Paper's face… [Rock and Paper both sulk] Or Rock's.
Trash [1.20]
[edit]- Paper: [sniffs an unpleasant smell] What is that smell?
- Scissors: [looks at the garbage with some flies buzzing around] I think it's Rock.
- Paper: Scissors, you still haven't taken out the trash?
- Scissors: [waving his hand; dismissively] Yeah, yeah. I'll get to it.
- Paper: No, do it now.
- Scissors: I'll do it really soon.
- Dian: I'm at my breaking point, Chris. We've dealt with too much noise and agony from all these wacky Rock Paper Scissors shenanigans. [flashback shows multiple episodes from the past] The rhino stomping around when Putty was there, the meltwater dripping through when their place turned into the Arctic, last Christmas, they were 10 different ghosts, and at one point, Scissors farted into a microphone and blew out all the windows in the building. What's it going to take for us to go up there and say something?
Season 2
[edit]Franz Roll and the Lost Rainbow Pants of Atraxes the Apple Bottomed [2.01]
[edit]Paper and Pencil Tell a Joke / Scissors' Orchestra [2.02]
[edit]Shoot / Rock's First Day of Work [2.03]
[edit]Paper Attends an Elite Institution / The New Landlord [2.04]
[edit]- Scissors: You wanna go home?
- Paper: Why? Because you think I can't handle 3rd grade?
- Scissors: No, because I do not care about this.
- Paper: Oh, yeah, you think I'm too stupid that I can't get one "A"?
- Scissors: Listen. I know I usually antagonize you in situations like this, but I'm really not invested here. Rock and I are apartment-sitting for Pencil this week, and we're gonna play with all her cool gadgets, which seems like way more fun than this… frankly sad 3rd grade development. So, do whatever you want, but again, I could not care less.
- Paper: Well, I'll show you, Scissors! I will get an "A", an "A-plus", with a good job sticker on top!
- Rock: [holding up one of Pencil's gadgets] Scissors, look! Pencil has a shapeshifter! [activates it, turning him and Scissors into snowmen]
- Rock & Scissors: Whoa! [they then turn into Minecraft style] Whoa!
- Paper: Well, I bet you're loving this, Scissors! Old doofus Paper failing 3rd grade!
- [Rock and Scissors have turned into an apple and a banana]
- Scissors: Again, I do not care.
- Paper: And now I have a group project due at the end of the week on genetic engineering and no one will want to work with me 'cause I'm the least intelligent kid in the class!
- [Rock and Scissors have then turned into frogs]
- Scissors: Paper, we've turned ourselves into frogs. We're looking for flies.
- Paper: Could we just acknowledge this?! This is insane! I mean, Rock, do you know quantum mechanics?
- Rock: Of course! I learned it in the 3rd grade.
- Rock: Lou, are you okay?!
- Lou: I saw my life flash before my eyes! So much yelling and rent raising, but a lot of bad things too!
- Catalina: [vengefully] I'll be back, Scissors! And next time, I'll take you down!
- Scissors: Not if I take you down first.
- Catalina: How could you?! You have the brain of an ant!
- Scissors: And you have the face of the dead!
- Catalina: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
- Scissors: I HATE YOU MORE!
- [They slowly start to kiss, but snap out of it and look away from each other, awkwardly]
- Catalina: Anyway, you're the worst.
- Scissors: Yeah, uh… same to you.
- Rock: What is happening with them?!
The Origami Robot / Scissors Sees An Inspirational Sports Movie [2.05]
[edit]- [The trio's apartment is being decorated for the holidays and Paper and Pencil are decorating the Christmas tree together]
- Paper: [sighs dreamily] I love the holidays. It really is the best time of year.
- Pencil: Yeah. You get to relax, have some quiet time, and…
- Rock: [barging in with Scissors painfully clutching his stomach] SCISSORS ATE A PINECONE!
- Pencil: What?! Why?!
- Scissors: Rock dared me to!
- Rock: No, I said, "Don't do that!"
- Scissors: Which I took as a dare!
- Rock: I'm with Paper. This really is the best time of year.
- Paper: It is. And I'm glad everything worked out.
- Pencil: Although I do feel bad the robot didn't remove the pinecone.
- [Zoom out, revealing Scissors lying flat on the floor with a pine tree growing out of his butt, which Paper and Pencil were decorating]
- Scissors: [disappointed] Not as bad as I do.
- [Scissors is watching an inspirational sports movie when Rock and Paper enter the apartment, carrying groceries]
- Paper: Oh, shoot! He's watching an inspirational sports movie!
- Rock: Every time he sees one of those, he thinks he can do that stuff!
- Paper: Turn it off! TURN IT OFF!
- Rock: [searching everywhere for the remote] I can't! Where's the remote?!
- Crowd: [chanting on TV] Scrudy! Scrudy!
- Paper: I DON'T KNOW! JUST RIP THE CORD OUT OF THE WALL!
- Rock: Which one?! THERE ARE SO MANY CORDS!
The Altruistic-Off / The Album [2.06]
[edit]- [The trio hear the Rat Bros laughing and cheering from above the fourth floor while Rock is playing a Sims parody video game]
- Scissors: [annoyed] Ugh. Are the Rat Bros having another party?
- Rock: They are such jerks!
- Paper: Let's go up there and tell them to start being respectable members of society.
- Scissors: Okay, but just don't get on your high horse again.
- [They are then standing outside the Rat Bros' apartment while Paper rides on his high horse, and Scissors knocks on the door]
- Logan: [answers the door] 'Sup, bros? Oh, are we tutoring too loud?
- Paper: Tutoring?
- Logan: Yeah. We tutor underprivileged kids all the time. [shows them his brothers tutoring four children] Ruby, tell 'em the thesis of your report.
- Ruby: In a juxtaposition of the sublime and the banal, the artist's oeuvre deftly encapsulates the ephemeral nature of human experience.
- [Derf blares a party air horn; the trio are speechless at what they just saw and are back in their apartment]
- Scissors: What the heck was that?!
- Rock: The Rat Bros aren't supposed to be better than us! They're supposed to be one-dimensional bad guys!
- Paper: Yeah! I refuse to live in a world where the Rat Bros are morally superior. Because then we can't judge them! And that's how I feel good about myself!
- Scissors: Paper, get off the horse.
- Paper: I can't, I need a step stool!
- [Meanwhile, in the Rat Bros' apartment…]
- Logan: [laughing hysterically along with his brothers] Did you see how upset they were?
- Brogan: Our altruistic plan is totally working!
- Derf: We are such jerks!
- Rat Bros: [chest bumping] Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
- Brody: [suddenly confused] But wait… are we jerks? Tutoring these kids is really nice. Bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
- Logan: Brody, don't be ridiculous. We're only doing good things to make Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel bad about themselves, which is a jerk thing to do. And remember, the two rules of being a Rat Bro: If a bro asks you to spot 'em, you gotta spot 'em. And what's number two, kids?
- Kids: Rat Bros are jerks because jerks are cool.
- Logan: And you wanna be cool, right, Brody?
- Brody: Of course. That's my one and only thought.
- [Zoom in inside Brody's brain]
- Brody's Neurons: Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
- Brody's Neuron #1: Shower?
- Brody's Neurons: NO! Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
- Little Red Riding Hood: Grandmother, what big eyes you have.
- Big Bad Wolf: [in disguise] All the better to see you with, my dear.
- Rock: [jumps onto the bed and takes the bonnet off the wolf's head, exposing him] It's a wolf, lady!
- Logan: [reading an article about the trio being the best guys in town and receiving all the praise; peeved] Ugh! This makes me so mad! Why do we still pay for the newspaper?! [throws the newspaper on the ground and marches over to the weight bench] Brogan, spot me. I'm doing an angry set! We cannot let Rock, Paper, and Scissors feel good about themselves. We have to beat them!
- Brody: Wait, Logan. Are you saying…
- Logan: Yes, Brody. It's time for an altruistic-off!
- Ruby: Altruistic-off: A competition in which people or groups try to win by doing the most good for society.
- Logan: Uh, Ruby, you can go home. Okay. Derf, go save the whales. Brogan and I will eliminate political corruption. And Brody? Get a PhD in robotic engineering to give people without limbs the best in robotic prostheses.
- Derf: But, Logan, I already have a PhD in robotic engineering.
- Logan: Too late. I already gave out the assignments.
- [Another article shows the Rat Bros being #1 good guys and receiving more praise]
- Rock: [reading the article; outraged] This is terrible! Newspapers are so important, and no one cares anymore! [throws the newspaper on the ground]
- Scissors: What's the point of cleaning all this garbage off the street if we're losing?! [pushes the huge garbage bag out the window, and it falls onto the street, splashing some people in garbage]
- Paper: We have to beat the Rat Bros, otherwise, I won't be able to judge them on my high horse! And how am I supposed to feel good about myself then, by winning horse races? [the horse looks at him and shakes its head no] See? He's not into it!
- Paper: Feast your eyes, Rat Bros! I have created a device that will solve the global housing crisis by spitting out a fully-built house in just five seconds!
- Scissors: We're gonna officially unveil it tomorrow at the Nobel Prize ceremony and beat you once and for all!
- Rock: Build houses! That's what we should do!
- Paper: See? He got there. [he and his friends walk off with their invention]
- Logan: [frustrated] D'oh! I can't believe they're gonna beat us! They are such… good guys.
- Brody: Actually, I think we'll still win.
- Logan: What do you mean?
- Brody: I saw a flaw in the device's engine. If they try to use that thing, it'll explode.
- Derf: Yes!
- Brogan: Sweet!
- Logan: All right!
- Rat Bros: Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro! Nice, bro!
- Brody: [feeling down, quietly] Nice, bro.
- Derf: [noticing Brody's behavior after Logan and Brogan walk away; concerned] Hey, are you okay?
- Brody: Yeah, I'm cool. [laughs awkwardly] Cool. I'm cool! Ha-ha. Cool guy. Super cool Brody. Listen, can I tell you something? You remember how I got my PhD from Princeton, right?
- Derf: Yeah, in two days. Very impressive.
- Brody: Well, I got a job at a hospital working in robotic prosthetics. [Flashback begins with him putting some prostheses on a limbless patient named Mr. Drake] All right, Mr. Drake. Test them out.
- Mr. Drake: [grips his prostheses, controlling them; surprised] Oh, my gosh. I-I can wave! I can point! I can… [uses them to scratch an itch on his behind] Oooh, I've been waiting to scratch that for 25 years!
- Brody: [voice-over] But then, something weird happened.
- Mr. Drake: Could I… hug you? It would be the first hug I've ever given.
- Brody: [unsure] Um… I don't really--
- Mr. Drake: [hugging him; sobbing happily] Thank you, Brody. You changed my life!
- Brody: [hugs him in return with his eyes tearing up; voice-over] It felt amazing! And for the first time, I had a new thought.
- [Zoom in inside his brain]
- Brody's Neurons: Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
- Brody's Neuron #1: Be good.
- Brody's Neurons: Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good. Be good.
- Brody's Neuron #2: We really should shower, though.
- Brody's Neurons: NO!
- [Back to the present]
- Brody: I think… I think I might be a good guy.
- Derf: [gasps in dramatic shock] No. Brody, no. A-are you sure?
- Brody: This morning, I wrote a big check to a food bank!
- Derf: But you know the rules… jerks are cool. Good guys are… I don't even know!
- Brody: Derf, I get it. But I'm thinking about that machine and… it just feels wrong to do nothing! Those homes would help so many people.
- Derf: Look, I know it's tough, but sometimes you gotta make hard choices in life. Do you want to foster the well-being of millions… or be cool? [starts to walk away]
- Brody: Hey, Derf… when you were saving the whales, were you thinking about beating Rock, Paper, and Scissors, or about how good it felt to save those whales?
- Derf: [thinking for a second] Get some rest, bro. [resumes walking away]
- [Before the trio are preparing to present their house-building invention at the Nobel Prize ceremony, Brody attempts to sneak into backstage and fix it, but runs into a deeply betrayed Logan, who found out about his and Derf's conversation]
- Brody: [hesitantly] Logan!
- Logan: [darkly] I knew I'd find you here. Your "nice, bro" chest bump yesterday was lackluster at best. I gotta say, I feel betrayed… like Edmond Dantès in The Count of Monte Cristo.
- Brody: That's a very literate reference.
- Logan: Ah, we covered a lot in tutoring.
- Brody: I'm sorry, but I can't let that device explode.
- Logan: Spot me.
- Brody: [having to have heard that; shocked] What? Here?!
- Logan: I wanna do a set. [Brody reluctantly obeys and sets down the pliers] Why are you doing this, Brody?!
- Brody: The heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of.
- Logan: Is that Blaise Pascal?
- Brody: We covered a lot in tutoring.
- Logan: [to Brody; irked] You said it wouldn't work! Ugh, whatever. We'll find another way to get Rock, Paper, and Scissors. [storms off]
- Brody: [turns to the invention; perplexed] But how did it not explode?
- Derf: [off-screen] I guess we'll never know.
- Brody: [turns to him holding the pliers, revealing he's the one who fixed it; surprised] Derf?!
- Derf: [hands Brody back the pliers] Maybe being a good guy is cool too. [walks off into the sunset as Brody smiles warmly, realizing that his conversation changed his mind]
- Paper: [with his foot stuck in the stirrup of the horse's saddle] HELP! I'm stuck in the stirrup!
- Paper: Scissors, I don't know if you know this, but we're big Lolly fans.
- Rock: Yeah, we're in the Lolly Army. [he and Paper put on Lolly ponytails]
- Paper: How did you get a date with her?
- Scissors: I just asked. See, most men are afraid of rejection, but not me. I'm used to rejection.
- Convenient News Reporter: The album is already a huge hit, and the whole world hates Scissors. He's on the cover of Time magazine for "Most Hated Man of the Year."
- [The magazine shows Scissors on the cover with his straight-forward, front-facing angle]
- Scissors: Ah, they used that angle!
- Scissors: [turns off the TV after watching the news of becoming the most hated person on Earth] This is terrible! I gotta go down to Convenient News and tell everyone I'm not a bad guy! [walks down the street, passing an angry crowd, booing at him] I know, I know, but I'll explain everything on TV!
- Driver: This is for Lolly! [splashes water on him]
- Driver #2: This is also for Lolly! [splashes more water on him]
- Driver #3: [throwing out a bucket of snakes at him] EAT SNAKES, JERK!
- Scissors: [returns to the apartment; bummed] Of all the bad days in my life, that probably broke the top 50. [sees his friends dancing to Lolly's album]
- Paper: By the way, I'd also recommend not going online.
- Rock: We wrote some really nasty stuff.
- Scissors: [turns off the music] Guys, this is serious! I can't even leave the house! I gotta get everyone to stop hating me.
- Rock: I don't know how you could do that.
- Paper: Yeah, Lolly's the victim here.
- Scissors: [as an idea pops into his head] That's it! That's how you win over the public sympathy! I just need to out-victim Lolly.
- Scissors: [apologizing to everyone after hearing the song] I just heard the song for the first time, and I understand why you and Lolly are upset (with me). I was so consumed by my desire to be loved that I didn't see I was taking advantage of her fame. It was selfish and immature, and I never want to hurt anyone like that again. I'm truly, truly sorry. Will you accept my apology?
- [After a brief moment…]
- Everyone: NO!
- Lolly: This is way out of hand! Sure, Scissors messed up, but he doesn't deserve this. And frankly, you guys are so intense sometimes it scares me. I mean, is that a mythological war hammer?! [Paper is holding an electrical war hammer and he and Rock sadly hang their heads down] So please, take it down a notch. And you don't need to do things like this for me. I'm not a god. [stops the meteor from hitting the Earth; voice booming] NO!
- Meteor: Whatever you say, Lolly! Love the new album! [flies away into space]
- [Everyone leaves, saying sorry]
- Paper: Sorry, Lolly.
- Lolly: I heard your apology. I'm glad you learned your lesson. And I'll admit, I probably shouldn't have written 16-full length songs about why you were terrible.
- Scissors: Sixteen? I thought you only wrote ten.
- Lolly: No, I only released ten. I might release the other six as bonus tracks. [Everyone comes back, screaming excitedly] But I might not!
- Everyone: [disappointed] Aww! [walk away]
- Lolly: Hey, all this aside, I did still have fun with you. So maybe we could go on a second date. What do you think?
- Scissors: [thinking for a moment] Hard pass.
- Lolly: What?
- Scissors: Do you have any idea how awful you made my life? I was the most hated man on Earth. The nation of Japan publicly denounced me. And I was almost torn apart by 2,000 psychopaths in bows. So, yes, I did learn a lesson, but it was to never, ever date pop stars. Hard pass. [walks away]
- Lolly: That wasn't very nice. I should write an album about that.
Paper Takes the Phones / The Bedtime Story [2.07]
[edit]- [Paper takes away Rock and Scissors' phones for confiscation, forcing them to spend quality with him in putting together a puzzle]
- Rock: Hey!
- Scissors: Give it back!
- Paper: You know, I just want us all to connect, but you're always on your phones.
- Scissors: Name one comedic example.
- [The Rat Bros are in Derf's room, hearing the trio arguing from under after drawing on Derf's face with a marker while he's asleep]
- Logan: Those guys are so inconceivable.
Scissors is a Good Boy / Paper's Family Get-Together [2.08]
[edit]- Franz: Wait. Who is that? [points to Scissors, and pats him on the head, mistaking him for a dog] Look at you! You are such a good boy!
- Scissors: [baffled] Does he think I'm a dog?
- Franz: [throws a ball] Fetch!
- Scissors: I mean, I'm gonna get the ball. It's a cool ball.
- Franz: [turns to Rock] Rock, your dog is amazing!
- Rock: Uh, that's not my dog.
- Franz: So it's a stray? I must have it! [to Scissors] How'd you like to come live with your new doggie daddy?
- Scissors: Dude, I'm not a dog.
- Scissors: [as the veterinarian checks his ears] This is great! They got rid of all my worms and fleas!
- Rock: How is none of this bothering you? Don't you feel shame?
- Scissors: Normally? Every waking second. But all that shame goes away when I'm surrounded by expensive things.
- Franz: [off-screen] Doggie! I got you a new toy! [presents Scissors a helicopter]
- Scissors: [laughs] I don't know what he thinks a dog is, but I wanna keep being one!
- [While the trio are fighting against Dr. Big Bat over a big strawberry, Paper gets a reminder on his phone for his annual family get-together]
- Paper: Oh, no.
- Scissors: What?
- Rock & Scissors: Oh, no.
- Dr. Big Bat: What? What is it?
- Paper: I totally forgot. Today's my annual family get-together.
- Dr. Big Bat: Oh, well, we can reschedule, if you need to go.
- Paper: No, it's not that. It's… [sighs deeply] I come from a family of very high achievers. There's my sister, Sandpaper, an action movie star. My brother, Toilet Paper, a popular stand-up comedian. My mom, Newspaper, an award-winning journalist. My dad, Parchment Paper, a famous pastry chef. And then there's me… the dud.
- Dr. Big Bat: Wait, why is your name the only one that's not a specific type of paper?
- Paper: I actually go by my middle name. My full name's Plain Paper.
- Scissors: What?! [laughs] That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I'm gonna get as much mileage out of that as possible!
- Paper: Every time we get together, my family goes around the table and says what they accomplished in the last year. Everyone says something incredible until it gets to me. I share something stupid… then my family says, "Wow, Paper. That's really something." And then they give me a cookie. I've always wanted to do something incredible, but nothing I do is. And don't want to be humiliated again.
- [Paper arrives at his family home where his family is in the living room, watching home movies]
- Newspaper: You're just in time for home movies.
- Toilet Paper: There I am, recording my first special.
- Sandpaper: There I am, practicing my kicks.
- Newspaper: And there's Paper. Is he gonna mix those chemicals?
- Toilet Paper: [laughs] You always had the highest hospital bills.
- Parchment Paper: [enters with a cake] Okay, time to eat. I hope everyone like Forever Cake.
- Lou: [on the phone] Lou here, ready for adventures! [disappointed] Oh, it's the dentist.
- Parchment Paper: Paper? What's going on? And why are your friends here?
- Scissors: We kidnapped Paper too?
- Rock: Because we have beef and… Uh… Come back to me.
- Paper: What's going on is I don't want to go back to that table! You don't know how humiliating it is to hear about all the incredible things you do every year because I never do any myself. [to Sandpaper] You're working on big action movies, [to his mother] you're breaking national news, and I'm just Plain Paper. That's why I staged this kidnapping. Rock, Scissors, and I were fighting Dr. Big Bat over a giant strawberry we grew for the county fair, and we thought he'd make a good kidnapper. But then you got through all the bats, so I had to call a bunch of people I met over the past year. Like the ghosts we befriended when we tried to get the perfect holiday picture, the tortoises I accidentally made huge from toxic ooze and taught martial arts in the sewer, and the Hipponoids from the time I stopped their invasion and saved Earth.
- Newspaper: Hold on. You did all that in the last year?
- Paper: [sadly] Yeah, I go on a lot of silly adventures.
- Sandpaper: Paper, that's not silly at all.
- Paper: It's not?
- Parchment Paper: Are you kidding? Who goes on adventures like that?
- Toilet Paper: Yeah, that's… That's incredible!
- Rock: Ah, that's why I should've said.
Moonami 12 / Spider Court [2.09]
[edit]- Paper: [in Bikini Bottom of SpongeBob's world] I don't think I'm in the right show anymore.
- [Inside Scissors' head, he is standing on the beach, gazing at the cow-tsunami coming towards him]
- Scissors: [sadly] Our tradition is ruined. We don't have snacks, my friends are gone, and I'm just a cow. A big, dumb cow.
- Max: Then take off the costume.
- Scissors: I can't, Max. I'm only wearing underwear.
- Max: [kneels down to him] You can still get the job done. Because what do I always say?
- Scissors & Max: Everybody gets down sometimes, but the important thing is to get back up, because up is the opposite of down and staying down just means you've given up, but I never give up, I only get down, because I'm Max Moonami, the guy who rides cows.
- Max: That's right.
- Scissors: Hey, Max… thanks.
- Max: Don't thank me, Scissors. I just exist in your head.
- Scissors: Wait, so I can't do it?
- Max: Uh, don't think about it. [to the camera] Quick. Zoom out! Zoom out!
- [Zoom out of Scissors' head; He takes off his cow costume and sets it down on the three reserved seats for Rock, Paper, and himself, leaving him in his underwear]
- Scissors: Nobody sit here!
Scissors, the Supervillain / Car Wash Nationals [2.10]
[edit]- Scissors: Guys, you should be happy for me. I've been searching forever to find my defining thing, and I really think this is it.
- Rock: In fairness, you say that a lot. Remember when you thought your thing was being a foreign translator?
- Scissors: What the heck is going?! I came here to do evil, and now I'm just making smoothies!
- Dreamscape: Yes, sometimes you have to open a juice shop to fund the evil-doing. What do you think I pay the henchmen with? Words of affirmation?
- Sheep Henchman: Wouldn't mind it.
- Dreamscape: Scissors? What's wrong?
- Scissors: I can't do this.
- Citizen: Because you realized you don't want to hurt us and you're not actually evil?
- Scissors: No. It's just… [steps forward] This plan took so long. I mean, months of tedious labor for one moment of excitement? I can't live like that. I… [sighs] I don't think I have the patience to be a supervillain. I really thought this was gonna be my defining thing, but now… I just feel lost.
- Citizen #2: Hey, man, you'll find it.
- Dreamscape: [steps forward and kneels down] Yeah, part of finding your thing is finding what your thing isn't.
- Scissors: [smiles lightly] You're right. I just gotta keep searching. Thank you, Dreamscape.
- [Rock is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket and an ice pack on his head, feeling really sick]
- Paper: [disgusted] Ugh, Rock, are you-- [Rock starts coughing] Are you-- [Rock coughs more and harder] Rock, are you okay?!
- Rock: No. I got a nasty bug.
- Bug: Hi, how ya doing?
- Scissors: Gross.
- Bug: Hey, I don't come to your work and call you gross. You know, 'cause you don't have a job.
- Scissors: [sniffs sadly; voice breaking] Rock did say it was nasty.
- Rock: I probably got it from working too much. Between Franz and the robot car wash…
- Paper: You still work at the car wash?
- Rock: I also worked at a climbing gym, but I just got fired.
- Hiring Robot: You call yourselves car washers? You can't even dance!
- Paper: Are those things related?
- Female Robot Executive: Of course, car washes are all about dancing, and you two better get your act together because Car Wash Nationals are this Sunday.
- Scissors: Car Wash Nationals?
- Hiring Robot: Yes, a competition where car washes are judged on dancing and washing that dates back to the 1920s.
- [Quick scene shows the Car Wash Nationals from the 1920s]
- Female Robot Executive: It's the biggest sporting event in the country, and everyone's training for it.
- [All car wash employees are training for the competition]
- Paper: This is ridiculous! That place has four people who are just back-up dancers and never touch the cars!
- Hiring Robot: We've won the last two titles, and if we win this year, we'll be the first car wash to ever win the three-peat.
- Female Robot Executive: This is our chance to make the history books. [sternly] So don't ruin it for us.
- Scissors: Oh, man. She is blatantly hitting on me.
- [Cut to the trio's apartment]
- Paper: Rock!
- Scissors: You didn't tell us we were entering a dance competition!
- Rock: I said it was an important time for the car wash. That wasn't clear?
- Paper & Scissors: NO!
- Rock: But you said you'd cover for me.
- Scissors: Yeah, but we can't do this. We've practiced all day. We're not championship-level dancers!
- Bug: You're telling me. I bet you don't even know the difference between a basket toss and a full-down.
- Paper: Can he cover for you?
- Scissors: How can we have fun with it?! The stakes are enormous, and it's in front of MILLIONS OF PEOPLE!
- Bug: I feel like they're not having fun with it.
- Paper: [in unison] SHUT IT, BUG! This is your fault! Get your smug attitude outta here!
- Scissors: [in unison] THAT'S ENOUGH! I am so sick of you! I will basket toss you outta here!
- Rock: Guys, guys, relax. You're putting too much pressure on yourselves. All you have to do is learn the routine and end with the reverse triple corkscrew window wash.
- Scissors: Oh, man, this is the best team we could assemble? Lou, Potato, Female Birthday Cop, Creepo the Stinkboy, Sal Garbanzo, and a polar bear.
- Paper: No one even knows the routine! Also, Lou told me he just had a big meal.
- Lou: [stuffed] I cannot move.
- Scissors: Oh, great. Now we're gonna humiliate ourselves in front of the whole world. Robo Car Wash won't make the history books, and we're gonna let down Rock.
Season 3
[edit]The Watching / Nightmares [3.01]
[edit]Emotional Support Convertible / The Baseball [3.02]
[edit]- Pencil: [waking up, shouting loudly] EVERYONE, PIPE DOWN!
Rock's Half Birthday / Cherry Picking [3.03]
[edit]- Scissors: [turns on the lights after he and his friends make hand shadows] Gotta admit, we're a pretty incredible trio.
- Paper: Oh, I meant to ask… I was looking up other fun stuff for us to try. Wanna go cherry picking?
- Rock: Sure!
- Scissors: [dumbfounded] Cherry picking?! I'd rather sleep next to a grizzly bear with violent night terrors.
- Paper: Oh. Well, then--
- Scissors: I'd rather wear underwear made of porcupine needles. I'd rather attend a 9-hour recital of beginner violinists. I would rather run a 10K in a hailstorm, naked on hot coals, and then clean the elephant pen at the zoo with my bare hands!
- Rock: My goodness!
- Reporter: One cherry picking trip later…
- Scissors: [sitting in the sofa on his phone as his friends return] So, how was cherry picking? The pits? [snickers]
- Rock: No, it was so much fun!
- Paper: And we really bonded!
- Scissors: You did?
Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock, Paper, Scissors / The Wish [3.04]
[edit]- Pencil: [entering the trio's apartment with Paper] Guys! Paper and I made a cloning device!
- Paper: I did nothing and she knows it, but isn't she amazing?!
- Pencil: Scissors, can we test it on your goldfish?
- Scissors: [sitting on the sofa, sadly sulking] As long as you don't hurt her. Sometimes that little fish feels like the only thing that cares about me, that listens, that lets me finish my--
- Paper: Great!
- Rock: [walking up to him] What's wrong, buddy? Feeling sad that you're unemployed? Or out of shape? Or--
- Scissors: Rock, stop guessing. [sighs sadly] I just got dumped… again. She said she didn't want to see me anymore for, quote, "too many reasons to list."
- Rock: Hey, don't feel bad just 'cause a few women turned you down.
- Scissors: 600.
- Rock: Just 'cause a few hundred women turned you down. You're one of the most lovable people I know, and my life is better because you're in it.
- Scissors: [cheered up] Thanks, Rock. You're very good to me.
The Train Problem / Salmon Delivery for Ya [3.05]
[edit]- Algebra Villain: The fate of your train rests on Paper's ability to solve this algebra problem. [pulls the blanket off a marker board, showing an algebra question] "A train leaves the station 5:00 AM at 60 miles per hour. Another train leaves the station at 6:00 AM at 80 miles per hour traveling the same direction. At what time will they meet?"
- Paper: [takes the marker out of her hand] Trick question. They've already met.
- Alegbra Villain: It's not a riddle.
- Paper: Dang it. [walks up to his sister; whispers] Okay, you know what to do here.
- Sandpaper: I do. [cracks her knuckles] Teach you algebra.
- Paper: What?! No! Just take out the villain with your action skills.
- Sandpaper: Sorry, Paper. I'm with her. This is literally a teachable moment.
- Passenger: [impatient] Come on, man. Just solve the problem!
- Passenger #2: [also impatient] Yeah, this is kindergarten math!
- Paper: You're on her side, too?! Ugh! This could not be more ridiculous.
Hardcore / Scissors' New Therapist [3.06]
[edit]- Rock: I don't know why, but it's less hardcore than before.
- Scissors: Paper, you just don't get it.
- Paper: Oh, come on! You guys aren't doing anything hardcore.
- Rock: Sure we are. I'm crocheting a scarf.
- Scissors: And I'm learning pointillism.
- Paper: Fine. I can do those things too.
- Rock: Paper, copying is not hardcore.
- Scissors: Paper, you broke the rules of storytelling?
- Rock: That's as hardcore as it gets!
- Paper: Really? So I can get my old room back?
- Rock: Yeah!
- Scissors: Absolutely!
- Paper: Great. Scissors, are you wearing Rock's shorts again?
- Scissors: [wearing Rock's favorite pair of shorts] Uh, well, Mr. Parmesan was having so many parties. There was no time to do laundry. I mean-- [cut to him cramped up in Mr. Parmesan's mouse hole] This isn't fair! I can't fold like Paper can!
- [Scissors is leaving the ice skating arena while talking with his therapist, Maya, on the phone]
- Scissors: Maya, I appreciate you checking on me, but I've felt great since I started figure skating. I think I can go without therapy for ten days.
- Maya: [on the phone with Scissors while the taxi driver takes her and her husband to the airport] Are you sure? Because you have a history of not respecting my boundaries when I'm on vacation.
- [Flashback shows Scissors showing up at her wedding in Morocco]
- Scissors: [frantically] Paper made fun of my hair, and I need to talk about it right now!
- Maya: I can't believe you flew to Morocco.
- [Cut back to him walking through the park]
- Scissors: I promise I'll be fine. I'll see you when you get back. [hangs up and nearly passes by the Rat Bros, who were already there, weightlifting]
- Rat Bros: Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro. Nice, bro.
- Logan: Hey, look at Mr. Glitter Pants! Are you gonna put on skates and glide around gracefully? [he and his brothers laugh teasingly]
- Scissors: Yeah, that's what figure skating is.
- Logan: You gonna zip and whoosh and whoop-de-doo?
- Scissors: You're just saying nonsense in a bullying tone. [then runs away, crying like a baby, when Logan makes mockery nonsense at him]
- Rock: Paper, how are you not sobbing? I mean, the love, the loss, the CGI monkey with a heart of gold!
- Paper: I don't know. People cry at different things.
- Rock: And when's the last time you cried? When the Whos in Whoville sang their Christmas song?
- Paper: Are you saying that I'm the Grinch?
- Maya: Scissors, you can't come with me, but you'll be okay. I'm going to refer you to my colleague, Dr. Carnahan. I think you'll really like him.
- Dr. Carnahan: Scissors?
- Scissors: [thinking it's Logan in disguise; disbelieved] You gotta be kidding me.
- Dr. Carnahan: So, Scissors, I understand you're dealing with a bully.
- Scissors: Yes. Actively.
- Dr. Carnahan: And how would you describe him? A malicious person or just not a very nice… bro?
- Scissors: Is this a prank? Are there cameras here?!
- Dr. Carnahan: How 'bout this? Let's pretend I'm your bully. [speaking in a British accent] 'Ello, Scissors. Ready for some verbal lashing?
- Scissors: Why are you doing an accent?
- Dr. Carnahan: I'm just guessing. I don't know this man.
- Scissors: Okay, I am not doing this. [starts to walk out the door, attempting to leave]
- Dr. Carnahan: Listen. Can I give you some advice? Oftentimes, bullying is a cry for help, so you have to figure out what your bully needs help with. Get him to open up. And you can do that by being vulnerable first.
- Scissors: All right. If you think it'll work.
- [In the park… The Rat Bros are weightlifting when Scissors shows up]
- Logan: Hey, look. It's Mr. Glitter Pants!
- Brogan: [laughs] It's even funnier the second time!
- Scissors: You know, Logan, it hurts when you make fun of figure skating because it means a lot to me. When I first started, I couldn't even stand on the skates. But now, when I glide and spin on the ice, it reminds me just how much I can accomplish and the power I have inside. And every so often, time slows down, and I feel like I'm exactly who I want to be.
- Logan: Scissors, I had no idea how important figure skating was to you. So I turned your ice rink into a pool for unshowered hairy guys.
- Scissors: [talking to Dr. Carnahan, still believing it's Logan] What's your deal, man?! You're all supportive in here, but then I go out there, and this guy is nowhere to be found!
- Dr. Carnahan: Well, it would be unprofessional if I saw you outside the office. [Scissors screams in irritation] I think you should open up to your bully again. Breaking down someone's walls takes time, and you may have planted a seed.
- Scissors: No! I am done with your traps! I'll find some other way to handle this. [thrives over to the door, beginning to leave]
- Dr. Carnahan: Wait. This bullying got worse when you started figure skating, right? Well, if I were to venture a guess, I think your bully's upset because your involvement in figure skating makes him… jealous. [voice-over during a flashback of a teenager Logan in his high school years] Perhaps he wanted to be a figure skater, too, but the other kids bullied him for doing an activity boys didn't really do at the time. And maybe he went to a bro-y school where the cool thing to do was wear backwards hats and lift weights. So in order to survive, he gave up what he loved most. [end of flashback] So I wonder if… and again, just guessing… your bully is taking out his childhood frustration on you for pursuing the dream he never could.
- Scissors: [approaching the Rat Bros at the park] Hey, Logan, this is for ruining my skate rink! [runs away, stealing the tub of cleaning wipes for their equipment]
- Brogan: He took the wipes we use to clean the equipment!
- Brody: We can't lift without those! IT'S UNSANITARY!
- Logan: GET HIM! [he and his brothers chase after Scissors all the way downtown to the ice skating arena, and find him standing on the ice rink as the lights come on; surprised] There's another ice rink?
- Scissors: There wasn't, but it turns out, unshowered hairy guys are great builders. I have an extra pair of skates. [takes out another pair of ice skates, begging Logan to come forth] You can be exactly who you want to be.
- Scissors: I get it now. You wanted someone to help you figure skate again.
- Logan: [baffled] Again? I've never figure skated in my life.
- Scissors: What are you talking about? Isn't that why you bullied me? Wasn't this the cry for help?
- Logan: No, I just bullied you 'cause I thought figure skating was for dorks. But this opened up so many emotional doors I didn't know I had. I should talk to a therapist about it. [cut to him visiting Dr. Carnahan's office, revealing they're both the same person]
- Dr. Carnahan: Well, this clears up a lot.
The Henry Winkler Episode / Paper Loves Potato [3.07]
[edit]- [The trio are flying in the sky on their Susan vehicle with 500 tubs of cheeseburger flavored ice cream]
- Scissors: Hurry, Paper! Our 500 tubs of limited edition cheeseburger ice cream are melting!
- Paper: I'm going as fast as I can, but I can't see through the clouds!
- Rock: It's not gonna make it! We need to eat it all now!
- Paper: Rock!
- Scissors: NO!
- Henry: [after the trio crashes through the roof of his house] What on earth is going on?
- Rock, Paper & Scissors: [all surprised] Henry Winkler?!
- Henry: Yup, it's me. [to the viewers] I actually said yes to this.
- Rock: [screams in excitement] Mr. Winkler, I am your biggest fan! I love your acting, your children's books, you can do no wrong.
- Henry: I guess you didn't see my off-Broadway version of Kinky Boots.
- Paper: [on recording] I'm Paper.
- Scissors: [on recording] I'm Scissors.
- Paper: And we're gonna kidnap you, Henry Winkler. [as the cops put him and Scissors in the back of the police car] We didn't say that! How did you--
- Henry: Looks like you boys are going away. For a long time. [snickers evilly]
- Scissors: Man! He's a good actor.
- Henry: You guys?! How did you get out of prison?
- Paper: Well, thanks to you, we now know one of us is good at opening locks.
- Scissors: [as Paper uses him to cut the locks on the gate] Ah! Paper, you know I have teeth!
- Paper: Time to put you away and clear our names.
- Paper: Good news, friends. Things have been going swimmingly with me and my special lady.
- Rock: Special lady?
- Scissors: Are you 90?
- Paper: [looking at a photo of him and Pencil playing around with a electric plasma ball] I can't even remember the last time I did something embarrassing around her. Oh. Yes, I can.
- Pencil: Paper, I think you confused Toluene with Toluidine.
- Paper: Oh. How embarrassing. [lets out a flatulence] I'm having a bad day. Anyway, I'm going to meet her tonight for a romantic dinner, tell her how I feel, and ask her to be my girlfriend. If she says yes, I'll feel like the luckiest man alive. And if she says no, I'll turn into a red-hot ball of inexhaustible rage and take it out on all of you guys. But who knows? [skips away]
- Rock: Wanna film that for our channel?
- Scissors: Worth a shot. Maybe it'll appease Grandma.
- Potato: I always knew you were into me. But I should warn you, I'm a heartbreaker.
- Paper: Potato, listen, I don't want this.
- Potato: Oh, my gosh! You need this?
- Paper: This is out of control.
- Potato: I get it, Paper. I'm super desirable. There's a reason they call me "Hot Tots."
- Paper: No one calls you that.
- Bruiser: [entering Pencil's apartment] Hot Tots! Say it ain't so! You broke up with me for him?!
- Potato: Bruiser, get out of here.
- Bruiser: [pointing to Paper] So you're the guy who think he's good enough for Potato.
- Paper: No!
- Pencil: Paper, of course you're good enough.
- Paper: [types a text to Pencil on his phone saying: "You're the love of my life. Let's buy a house in Nebraska and start a family."] Way too strong. [types a different text saying: "Can we talk when I get back? It's important.", and sends it to her]
- Potato: Paper?
- Paper: Potato. Uh, hey. I actually wanted to…
- Potato: This isn't working.
- Paper: Sorry?
- Potato: Look, it's been fun here in Hawaii, and you're a great guy, but… I don't think we're a good match.
- Paper: Are you… breaking up with me?
- Potato: We just got to this point so fast, you know? I mean, I'm looking at us and feeling like… I don't even know how I got here.
- Paper: Wow. Um… Yeah, no, uh… That's fine. I, uh… want the same thing.
Sandpaper's Workout Program / The Secret [3.08]
[edit]- Sandpaper: Exercise is important. It's good for your heart, it's good for your brain. You guys are so sedentary, you're practically koalas.
- Koala: Hey! That's a hurtful stereotype and… [quickly goes to sleep]
- Rock: Also, we just did a workout last week.
- Sandpaper: [sarcastically] Yeah? How'd that go?
- [Flashback to last week at the pool]
- Instructor: All right, ladies, let's get those hands up and flap those pool noodles!
- Scissors: This is hard. Let's go eat cake.
- [Back to the present]
- Sandpaper: You three need to stop making excuses. This is just like when Paper used to write fake notes from Mom to get out of gym class. [Paper gives her a note; reading] "Please excuse Paper from Sandpaper's workout. He has a broken…" [stops reading] Really? You're still doing this? [unplugs their video game system, shutting off the TV]
- Paper: Hey!
- Scissors: Hey!
- Rock: [yells frantically as his friends look at him; calmly] Sorry.
- Paper: Sandpaper, give that back!
- Sandpaper: I'll give it back when you complete one of my workouts. And I promise, when you see the results, you won't care about video games anymore. [takes away three Jane Austen novels as well] And no Jane Austen novels either.
- Rock: What?!
- Paper: Awww!
- Scissors: Come on!
- Rock: Are you eating pancakes?
- Scissors: [munching on pancakes while light jogging] I'm carbo loading. All athletes do it.
- Paper: The day before the workout.
- Scissors: Yeah, I'm gonna take workout advice from the guy exercising in jeans. [referring to Paper]
- Rock: [as he and his friends find themselves in a jungle] Where are we?
- Sandpaper: [on laptop] Welcome to the jungle! You've been dropped in the middle of Africa. And to finish this workout, you must get to a helicopter 50 miles north of here. That's where I'll be to fly you home.
- [A map shows the trio's location spot where it's 50 miles north from the helicopter]
- Scissors: She does this for everyone?
- Sandpaper: But between here and the chopper, you'll have to get through a series of rigorous, led-based exercises. So let's jump into the first one: pin this warthog!
- Paper: Scissors, stop carbo loading!
- Scissors: [eating an entire wedding cake] Mmm. I can't help you. I'm only halfway through this wedding cake.
- Scissors: [starting to feel sick while gagging] Rock, stop running. I'm gonna throw up!
- Paper: Scissors, come on!
- Rock: We're so close!
- Scissors: [placing his hands on his bloated stomach; weakly stuffed] Uh, I don't feel good. It's probably all the pancakes, lasagna, entire wedding cake, and 40 pounds of honey I ate offscreen.
- Pencil: Hey, Rock. Did you hear the good news? Potato won the International Genius Award! She learned how to save endangered animals by splicing in her own DNA. [shows him the video on her phone]
- Sloth: Hey, I'm the three-potatoed sloth. Who's down for nachos?
- Rock: You witch! Why did you tell me this?!
- Pencil: What's the problem?
- Rock: Now I have to keep this from Paper. He's in a bad place right now, and if he found out, it would crush him!
- Pencil: Okay, then don't tell him.
- Rock: You don't understand. I CAN'T KEEP A SECRET!
Paper: Renowned Researcher / Meatball [3.09]
[edit]- [Paper goes to Pencil's apartment and asks if he can use her time machine to go back in time and teach cavemen to play ice hockey]
- Pencil: Paper, this is the ninth time you've asked to borrow my time machine.
- Paper: For science.
- Pencil: And you always say that, but it's usually for something selfish, like winning a game of hide and seek, or making yourself the inventor of the airplane.
- Paper: [chastising the Wright Brothers while flying his own handmade airplane] More like the Wrong Brothers! [laughs]
- Pencil: Now be honest, is this for science or something selfish? And before you answer, I saw you on that panel show.
- [After a brief pause… Paper shoots a dart at her, causing her to fall asleep]
- Paper: I'm sorry, Pencil! I'm so sorry!
- Scissors: Well, Paper, you look very foolish. Opposite Day's over by the way.
- [The trio are folding their laundry and quickly hide under the coffee table when they hear Lou knocking on the door]
- Scissors: [quietly] It's okay. If we don't say anything, he'll think we're gone and he'll leave us alo--
- Lou: [kicks the door down with his foot] Oh, there you are. I was knocking. [the trio sighs in disappointment] Listen, something's wrong with my cat, Meatball. I took him to the vet, changed his diet, even bought him a kitty Peloton, which he never uses… but he's still looking rough.
- Rock: How old is he?
- Lou: 30.
- Rock: 30?
- Lou: That's not that old. I'm only 31.
- Rock: 31?!
- Paper: Uh, Lou, it might be Meatball's time.
- Lou: What? I can't lose Meatball. We've done everything together.
- Lou: I'm going broke trying to take care of him. I need more tenants.
- Scissors: You also need to check that vampire book. He looks even worse now.
- Lou: That's on me. I accidentally made him sick 'cause I ordered a garlic pizza from Chaepo's Pizza.
- Paper: You ordered a garlic pizza?
- Lou: Yeah, with garlic knots, garlic tots, raw garlic, and a pint of garlic juice.
- Rock: [disgusted] Eww!
- Lou: Try it.
- Rock: [takes a drink of the garlic juice] Ooh, worse than I thought,
- Scissors: In fairness, Meatball would've gotten sick from a regular Cheapo's pizza. That place is awful.
- Announcer: Cheapo's Pizza! Everyone gets food poisoning here!
- Lou: [as Meatball puts his paw on his hand] I know, Meatball. I'll find a way to save you.
Scissors' Perfect Match / The Apology Soirée [3.10]
[edit]Cast
[edit]- Carlos Alazraqui – Scissors
- Ron Funches – Rock
- Thomas Lennon – Paper
- Melissa Villaseñor – Pencil / Maya
- Ray Chase – The Rat Bros; Logan, Brody, Brogan / Baron Von Snootsberg / Dr. Carnahan
- Max Mittelman – Derf the Rat Bro / Shoot
- Eddie Pepitone – Lou Zer
- Lauren Ash – Sandpaper / Nutso, the Rapping Squirrel
- Betsy Sodaro – Potato
- Eugene Cordero – Putty
- Isabela Merced – The Susan
- Diedrich Bader – Chad Brockchad
- JP Karliak – Convenient News Reporter
- Abby Trott – Female Robot Executive
- Marlene Martinez – Astonishing Catalina
- Alessia Cara – Lolly
- Flula Borg – Franz Roll
- Mallory Jansen – Cate Blanket
- Kevin Michael Richardson – Dr. Big Bat
- Vanessa Marshall – Newspaper
- Chris Parnell – Parchment Paper
- Jay Pharaoh – Toilet Paper
- Henry Winkler – Himself
