Jump to content

Mating Season

From Wikiquote, the free quote compendium

Mating Season is an American adult animated romantic comedy created by Nick Kroll, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, and Jennifer Flackett, the co-creators who created Big Mouth. The show was released on Netflix in May 22, 2026.

Season 1

[edit]

The Copulatory Tie [1.01]

[edit]
Josh: Ray, have you seen Olivia?
Ray: Right! Yeah, Olivia. [laughs nervously]
Josh: What? What's wrong?
Ray: You know you overslept by, like, two weeks, right?
Josh: I did?
Ray: Yeah, and Olivia… she gone.
Josh: She gone? She gone where?
Ray: She's with this new bear, this big motherfucker named Carson.
Josh: What?! How could she leave me? It's mating season!
Ray: Yeah, I know. Everyone's coupling up big time.
[Zoom out, showing all the male and female forest animals copulating together]
Rabbit: I'm gonna put 10 to 15 babies in you!
Squirrel: Now, I'm not sure how we're gonna make this work physically, but goddamn it, Keith, I love you.
Keith: Well, maybe love is enough.
Josh: Oh, God! I'm all alone! [starts to sob]

[While all the animals are attending at the funeral of Fawn's mother, Sheila…]
Penelope: [to Josh; quietly] By the way, I'm so sorry about Olivia.
Josh: [whispering] Am I the only one who didn't know?
Penelope: You really overslept!
Josh: I'm aware!
Penelope: You should have woken up earlier, dude!
Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, thank you, Penelope.
Ray: How's Fawn doing?
Penelope: How do you think? Her mother was killed by a frickin' hunter! She's like Bambi.
Ray: Uh, well, Bambi was a child.
Josh: And he witnessed the murder.
Ray: That's serious trauma.
Josh: Yeah, and it clearly affected him as an adult.
Penelope: Well, yeah, Bambi was for sure damaged.
Ray: That said, what he did to those squirrels was inexcusable.
Josh: Of course.
Ray: I mean, fully molested those squirrels.
Penelope: He fully did.
Ray: But then I'm like those parents should have never let those little squirrel kids stay at his ranch.
Penelope: Ugh! Don't even get me started on those parents.

Josh: Oh, God! Is that why Olivia left me?
Penelope: Of course not.
Fawn: Almost certainly. I mean, you guys do suck.
Ray: Excuse you!
Fawn: [referring to Josh] He's a whimpering mess, [then to Ray] and you have some major mommy issues.
Ray: What are you talking about? I have the best and prettiest mommy in the world!
Fawn: She tried to eat you.
Ray: That's what raccoons do!
Penelope: Eh, still.
Ray: Hey, my mother is a saint! She brought me into this world, and she has every right to take me out of it!
Penelope: Okay!
[Later that night… at The Watering Hole bar]
Fawn: [proposing a toast] To my father and Cassie, may they both get rabies.
Ray: Hey, I know you're hurting right now, Fawn, but that's not so funny. I've actually lost a lot of friends to rabies.
Penelope: Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Ray: Yeah. Rabies is our AIDS. Also, feline AIDS is our AIDS.

Ray: Oh, you gonna spray me?
Samantha: You like that, you little freak?
Ray: Yeah, express your anal glands all over my goddamn pelt! [Samantha moans as she sprays on him] Oh, shit!
Samantha: You dirty bitch.
Ray: I fucking stink!
Samantha: Get in me, Ray! Get in me!

Ray: So, uh, how's it going with the, uh, geezers?
Fawn: Ugh, terrible. How's Carson doing?
Olivia: What do you think?! Josh bit off his penis! He's doing bad!

Penelope: I love our friend group.

The Dating Sites [1.02]

[edit]
Josh: Ugh. Yep, I can see it.
Penelope: What?
Josh: Hibernation's gonna be here again. And I'll have to sleep all by myself, spooning a rock.
Ray: Buddy, Joshie, you know what you gotta do?
Josh: Meet a rock?
Ray: No! You gotta get back on the horse!
Josh: Mmm! You know, I've always wanted to date a horse.
Ray: No, dumb-dumb, I meant you gotta get back to dating, pronto.
Josh: But how would I even meet somebody? It seems impossible.
Penelope: Oh, yeah, it is.
Fawn: It's a nightmare.
Josh: Ugh.
Fawn: The dating sites, they're a shitshow filled with the detritus of society.
Ray: I thought it was "de-tritus."
Geoffrey: Fun fact, it can actually be pronounced either way.
Ray: Not this fucking owl again. [shoves him aside]
Fawn: Yeah, you're not a part of the group.
Geoffrey: [dances on the table] Sure I am!
Ray: Oh, my God, get lost!
Penelope: Yeah, we are not friends!
Geoffrey: We will be! [flies away]
Fawn: Jesus!
Ray: This fucking guy!

Penelope: [angrily] You… Ugh. You can all eat my juicy asshole! Except for you, Fawn! No butt for you! [storms off]
Fawn: I don't even want butt!

Macey: You sold my underwear?
Ray: I very much did, yes, but you can take any pair you want from this box…
Macey: Ew!
Ray: I'll even throw in this rusty thermos.
Macey: Oh, my God! You have a whole box of used underpants?!
Ray: Oh, no. No, no, no. Macey, these are my treasured memories.
Macey: That you sold to some pervert?
Ray: Dave's not a pervert. He's a creep.
Macey: He poured soup into your underwear. Ew! Oh, my God!
Ray: Does that make you feel any better?
Macey: Ugh, no! I thought you were cute and fun.
Ray: I am cute and fun.
Macey: You're sad and disgusting, Ray! And on behalf of all the females in the forest, I am taking these! [angrily takes the box out of his hands and heads to the front door]
Ray: What? No! Not my treasured stink box!
Macey: Ugh! You do not get to sell any more panties, you repulsive trash panda!
Ray: Okay, that is a slur, and it's hurtful. But just to be clear, so… so we're not having sex again?
Macey: Yes.
Ray: Yes, we are?
Macey: No!
Ray: No, we are?
Macey: No, we're not having sex!
Ray: Why not?!
Macey: Because… YOU'RE CREEPY RAY! Ugh!

The Lull [1.03]

[edit]
Fawn: [walking along with Zeke] Okay, fine. I guess I'd fuck Alvin, marry Simon, and kill Theodore?
Zeke: You'd kill Theodore? He's the cutest one.
Fawn: One of those chipmunks has to die. Those are the rules.

Celeste: I need you to focus on what your heart desires most.
Penelope: Uh, I feel like I should want to reverse climate change?
Celeste: Boo, boring. Also, too late.
Penelope: Oh, bummer. Okay, well... [sighs] Maybe my heart desires love?
Celeste: A little cliché, but we'll go with "love."

Ray: [entering the bathroom] Oh, you're doing great, buddy! Everybody's talking about it! Just gotta give you your special vitamin, make you a big boy. Although, if I was a stud on one pill, what would happen if I took all the pills? Ooh, I'd be a freakin' sex god! [laughs manically]

Josh: Oh, no! Did somebody steal your bоnеr pills, you stupid old bitch?
Robert: I'm gonna kill him!
Josh: Oh, shit! Him is me!

Robert: You freeloading bastard, where are they?!
Josh: What? I... I have no idea what you're talking about.
Robert: I know you stole my hоrny goat weed!
Josh: I don't even know what that is. Is that for like OMSD?
Robert: What the hell is OMSD?
Josh: I think it stands for, um, [trying not to laugh] "old man soft dіck"?

The Truth About Canada [1.04]

[edit]
Penelope: Shut the door! I don't want them to see me like this.
Fawn: Oh, God, what's going on?
Penelope: I'm burrowing, okay?! Foxes do this when we're upset!
Fawn: What are you so upset about?
Penelope: I'm not upset! Fuck you! And NOTHING HAPPENED IN CANADA!

[Penelope's family house; Her family is having dinner while Bethany explains about the hounds chasing her and Penelope]
Bethany: And then the hounds chased Pen into the woods. I thought they were gonna rip her tit to taint!
Penelope's Father: This is exactly why you're not supposed to go near that farm!
Penelope: Dad, she's being dramatic, okay?
Penelope's Father: Hounds are vicious, vile animals!
Penelope's Mother: They won't stop until we're all dead and stuffed with sawdust.
Penelope's Father: With glass eyeballs!
Penelope: Guys! We're fine!
Penelope's Mother: What if you ended up like Judy O'Doherty's son?
Penelope's Father: Torn to pieces!
Penleope: What?
Penelope's Mother: They found his head in the woods and his rump in the river, Penelope. He was gonna be an optometrist!
Penelope: Is that a good job? Or…
Penelope's Mother: [sternly] You listen to me, young lady. This is not a game. You are not to go near that farm ever again. Understand?
Penelope: Yes, I understand.

Bethany: [catching Penelope sneaking off, after hearing about her hanging out with Summer] Where do you think you're going?
Penelope: Jesus! Bethany, you scared the scat out of me.
Bethany: I know you've been sneaking around with that hound.
Penelope: [gasps in shock] I have no idea what you're talking about.
Bethany: Don't play dumb! I saw you have, like, 11 orgasms. You got finger blasted in a river…
Penelope: Would you shut up, you little creep?! [trying to keep her quiet]
Bethany: [yelps] Mom! Dad!
Penelope's Father: Whoa! Whoa! What's going on?
Bethany: Penelope's been sneaking off and hooking up with a hound!
Penelope's Father: What?!
Penelope's Mother: Is this true?
Penelope: Yes, it's true! We're in love!
Penelope's Mother: That's ridiculous!
Penelope's Father: Penelope, you are a fox. She is a hound!
Penelope: We're in a cave! This is a rock. Who cares?
Penelope's Father: Oh, my God! The whole filthy pack must have our scent by now!
Penelope's Mother: We need to leave immediately!
Penelope: What?
Penelope's Father: If we stay, they'll track us, kill us in our sleep, tear open our insides and use our intestines as scarves!
Penelope: Dad, you've got to stop watching Fox News!
Penelope's Mother: Both of you, pack up your things. We leave a daybreak.
Penelope: [throws down her suitcase] NO! You don't even know Summer! She would never hurt us!
Penelope's Mother: I know she ain't nothing but a hound dog.
Penelope's Father: And she is not a friend of ours!
Penelope: [breaking down on the verge of tears] YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! [runs out of the window, heading towards the farm]

Fawn: [sarcastically annoyed when she sees the living room still in a mess that Dylan didn't clean up after the full moon party] Good. You didn't clean up.
Dylan: [waking up on the couch; also annoyed] Good morning to you too. Can we talk about you kicking my pack out last night, or do you need to stomp off again like a Clydesdale?
Fawn: Oh, we doing insults? You smell like fucking shit, buddy.
Dylan: Very mature.
Fawn: And you were the asshole last night.

The Hot Mess [1.05]

[edit]
Ray: You know what, Josh?
Josh: What?
Ray: [outraged] I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Gina: Hi ya, boys.
Ray: Va-va-voom!
Josh: Did you just "va-va-voom" your own mom?
Ray: Yeah!
Gina: Mom? Ew! Call me Gina.

Ray: You know, try to yuck my yum with Gina.
Josh: I'm not trying to yuck your yum, I'm trying to protect you.
Ray: Well, who asked you? I never see my mom! Let me enjoy it!
Josh: Look, Ray, I really didn't want to have to tell you this, but… Your mom, she tried to seduce me.
Ray: You fuck my mom?
Josh: What? No, of course not!
Ray: Oh! So what are you saying? You too good to fuck my mom?!
Josh: What is wrong with you? Ow!
Ray: You should be so lucky, friend! The things she could teach you!
Josh: Yeah, like how incredible penicillin is?
Ray: Yeah!
Josh: Oh, my God! Ray, she is a bad mom!
Ray: Well, you are a bad friend!
Josh: Oh! Well, you're a… fool!
Ray: Oh, really?! Well, then you're not invited to my birthday party!
Josh: Good, I don't want to go to a fool's birthday party!
Ray: Good, because I don't want you there!
Josh: Well, good luck planning this event without me, because the caterer is an absolute nightmare to deal with!

The Horse Who Loved Me [1.06]

[edit]
Ray: God, why is junk so expensive these days?
Josh: Ugh, we've been shopping all morning. Can we please just go home?
Ray: No, I gotta fill up my place again. Ever since my mom took all my stuff, I feel like such a loser.
Josh: Okay, well, with all due respect, I am a way bigger loser than you are.
Ray: What? No!
Josh: I have no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents. And I'm frightened.
Ray: Huh! I think you are a bigger loser than I am.

[Watering Hole bar; A heartbroken Zeke tells Ray, Fawn and Penelope about Carlos breaking up with him]
Ray: I'm sorry. Help me out, Zeke. Who… Who's Carlos? I barely know who you are.
Fawn: Carlos is the moose who helped him figure out he's gay. Okay, so, Zeke, what exactly did he say?
Zeke: [sobs] He said…
[Flashback]
Carlos: I don't want to be your boyfriend.
Zeke: [weeping] But I love you!
Carlos: No, you don't. Name one thing you love about me.
Zeke: That you're… That you're gay?
[Back to the present]
Penelope: Oh, God, Zeke.
Zeke: But he is!
Fawn: Okay, what happened next?
Zeke: He said…
[Flashback resumes]
Carlos: You're a baby gay, and I'm not looking to change diapers.
Zeke: What does that even mean?
Carlos: It means that you're fresh out of the closet. You should be going fuck crazy. Get out there! Get laid!
Zeke: [weeping emotionally] But you just said I'm a baby! That's wrong!
[Back to the present again]
Ray: Zeke, you foolish moose. [slaps him in the face three times] This… Is… A… Gift!
Zeke: Please stop hitting me.
Fawn: I mean, Ray does have a point. You've only slept with one guy.
Ray: Exactly. You gotta get out there and put your thing in their thing. And then, if you're down, they'll put their thing in your thing. And then, I don't know, you guys all go to the gym?
Zeke: So you want me to just go out there and have a bunch of random bad sex?
Ray: Yeah!
Fawn: Even the bad sex is educational. It teaches you what good sex is.

Zeke: This place is insane.
Fawn: The smell is interesting.
Penelope: Like shit, but not quite?
Fawn: It's shit-adjacent.
Penelope: I like it.

Cody: Sweetie, you like pussy, and this is a gay bar!
Penelope: But aren't we all part of one queer community built on acceptance and harmony?
Cody: Ew, shut up. You have your space. We have ours. Now go back to the Beaver Dam and sip on some natural wine.
Penelope: What?
Fawn: [whispering softly] Actually, that does sound nice.
Penelope: No! No, this is so fucked up! You can't just kick us out of here!
Cody: [scoffs] Typical cranky lesbian.
Penelope: The fuck you just say to me?! [attempts to pulverize him while Fawn tries to hold her back] I'm usually so fucking cheerful! YOU'RE THE ONE THAT MADE ME CRANKY!
Fawn: Pen, it's not worth it.
Penelope: Oh, this isn't over! You hear me?!
Cody: Whatever.
Penelope: And good luck when you need help building a deck, you piece of shit!

The Polycule [1.07]

[edit]
Fawn: Call me "old-fashioned," or "trad," or "skinny," but when I'm with a guy, I want him all to myself.
Penelope: Okay, sure. But honestly, no one's lining up for to do monogamy with me.
Fawn: Come on, Pen.
Penelope: No, no, it's okay. Maybe I'm not meant to be somebody's everything. But I'm sure I could be somebody's something.

Gus: Mmm, cuddle puddle. This is what it's all about. Warmth and closeness without penetration.
Josh: Hey, Gus, I hope this isn't too forward, but I'd like to make you tiny little clothes.
Gus: Ooh, and I would wear them!
Ray: Ugh. Cuddling without sеx?
Josh: Just try to enjoy it. Here, stroke this tail.
Ray: That's my tail! Ugh! This is not what I came here for!

Gus: Ray, I admire how you always speak your mind.
Ray: [flipping him off; annoyed] Eat shit, Gus.
Gus: Oh! Just like that.

Ray: Hey, whoa, whoa. What am I even signing?
Gus: It's an incident report.
Josh: Because you broke the rules.
Ray: Oh, grow up.
Nina: And if it happens again, we'll be forced to ask you to leave.
Gus: We'd hate to do that.
Ray: Shut up, Gus. Your beret looks stupid.
[Gus gasps in heartbreak shock]
Josh: Ray! [grabs him and drags him outside] What the hell is wrong with you?! I made him that beret! That's one of the best berets I've ever made!
Ray: This place is bullshit! A polycule is supposed to be about freeing ourselves from the rules of monogamy.
Josh: No--
Ray: But now, there's just new other rules.
Josh: The rules protect us! Without them, it's anarchy!
Ray: That's exactly what I want! Sexual chaos with like-minded freaks. I'm tired of the tyranny.

Josh: Ray, you are so selfish!
Ray: Josh, I created a sexual paradise for myself to enjoy. How is that selfish?
Josh: Did you ever stop to think that this place made me feel valued and loved for the first time in, like, forever?
Ray: Um… No?
Josh: Yeah! Because you didn't care about my feelings! You didn't care about anybody's feelings!

The Passion of Raynal Skidski [1.08]

[edit]
Gregg: Hey, buddy, are you having sexual problems?
Ray: [losing control of his temper] YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAMN BEAK! [starts strangling him by the neck]

The All-Nighter [1.09]

[edit]
Ray: [mocking Penelope] "Oh, I'm Penelope. I want Ray to feel his feelings. Boo-hoo."
Penelope: Bad impression. Stop that.
Ray: No! I'm not gonna stop, because I'm mad and you should be too!
Penelope: I am mad! At you!
Ray: Me?! You should be mad at Summer! That stupid mutt left you to drown like a pile of trash!
Penelope: What?! No, that is not what happened!
Ray: If that bitch…
Penelope: Do not call her--
Ray: …actually gave a shit about you, she'd be here right now!
Penelope: Shut up, Ray!
Ray: But she's not. Because she's probably up in Canada, sixty-nining a fucking wolverine--
Penelope: [fully enraged] SHUT UP! [violently punches him in the face, knocking him out unconscious]

The Wolf Wedding [1.10]

[edit]
Penelope: [looking at Jojo's drawing of her] Wow! This is what I look like to you?
Jojo: Well, I did have to tone it down a little. I mean, there are children around.
David: [gazing at the drawing] Whoa! I think my nuts just dropped.
David's Mom: David! Don't look at that filth! [sensually] That's for mommy's eyes only.

Penelope: [meeting up with Ray on the beach] Why are you up so early?
Ray: I couldn't sleep. I'm too horny. I gotta get laid soon or I'm gonna choke on my backed up jizz. What are you doing up?
Penelope: I had sex with Jojo all night on the beach.
Ray: Oh!
Penelope: I feel terrible.
Ray: Ah, you got sand in the pipes, huh?
Penelope: What?
Ray: Okay, what you want to do, and this is gonna sound counterintuitive--
Penelope: Ray.
Ray: But you need to put more sand in.
Penelope: Ugh! My pipes are fine.
Ray: So then what's the problem?
Penelope: I caught feelings! Bad!
Ray: Oh!
Penelope: I haven't felt like this since I was with Summer.
Ray: So you like her! That's a good thing!
Penelope: I can't even look at her without thinking about how sad I'll be when I go home.
Ray: Oh, come on! Whatever happened to having a fling? You know, taking a page out of my slutty little book.
Penelope: Ray, I gotta be honest. I only skimmed your book.
Ray: What? But your notes, they were so insightful and specific!
Penelope: I know!
Ray: I did a page one rewrite.

Penelope: How'd Cynthia take it?
Fawn: [sighs] I couldn't do it. She looked too happy.
Penelope: But she deserves to know the truth!
Fawn: Pen, just stop. Maybe last night was a one-time thing, and it's out of his system. Lots of guys have a last fling, right?
Ray: Yes! Everybody fucks a deer the night before their wedding. My uncle rimmed an entire herd.
Fawn: Does anyone else but Ray have a take?

Gus: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today to witness the union of Cynthia Mulroney and Dylan McDermott.
Josh: Whoa.
Penelope: Some names.
Gus: The bride and groom have elected to write their own vows. [gives Dylan the microphone] Dylan, knock my socks off.
Dylan: [clears throat] Cynthia, when I close my eyes… I think of you.
Fawn: Huh?
Dylan: When I wake up in the morning, I think of you.
Fawn: You've gotta be kidding me.
Dylan: The way you laugh, the way you talk, the way you look at me before we kiss.
Fawn: [incredulously] This asshole's got one fucking move.
Gus: Oh, wow. My shoes are gonna stink, because my socks are all the way off. Cynthia.
Cynthia: [as Dylan passes the microphone to her; laughs softly] Dylan, meeting you has changed my life. I know that I may seem confident and self-assured, but inside, I… never really felt like I deserved love.
Fawn: Ouch.
Cynthia: It wasn't until I met you that I truly learned to like myself.
Fawn: Oh, Cynthia…
Cynthia: Because if you love me, then I guess I must be good.
[Fawn exhales deeply]
Gus: Now, if anyone here knows of any reason why these two cuties shouldn't be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace… [echoes]
Fawn: [as Josh and Penelope's words float around in her head; then gives in] God damn it. [standing up] I do! I know a reason!
Gus: Ooh! Speak now.
Cynthia: Fawn?
Dylan: [softly] What are you doing?
Fawn: [sighs softly] Cynthia… I know how it feels to think you don't deserve love.
Wedding Goose Guest: We can't hear you in the back, honey! Speak up!
Fawn: [loudly] I know what it's like to think you don't deserve love!
Wedding Guest: Whoa, we're not deaf!
Fawn: Ugh. [in normal tone] That you're only special if a guy makes you feel special. But you're amazing.
Cynthia: [awkwardly] Okay…
Fawn: And you don't have to hinge your self-worth on anyone else, much less Dylan, because… Dylan and I--
Wedding Goat Guest: Dylan and I slept together last week!
Wedding Beaver Guest: What?! He fucked me three days ago!
Cynthia: Are you kidding me?
Meghan: Um, excuse me. He also slept with me yesterday.
Lexi: Meghan!
Ray: God, I picked the wrong beaver.
Gus: Full disclosure, I did suck him off before the precession, but only to help him relax.
Dylan: Well, it did help.
Fawn: This is a nightmare.
Cynthia: [throws her bouquet of flowers at Dylan in the chest; disgusted] Dylan, what the fuck?!
Dylan: Babe, I'm so sorry! I thought I could be tame, but I'm a wild animal! [rips off his uniform]
Ray: Thank you! Someone finally said it! We're all wild animals! Why are any of us getting married? Why are we staying at a hotel?! Why are we wearing clothes?!
Penelope: [as she and Josh try to calm him down] Not the time!
Josh: Uh-uh.
Cynthia: Hey, Uncle Doug, you still got that medieval sword?
Uncle Doug: [wields out his medieval sword from his scabbard] FOR NARNIA!
[Cynthia watches in satisfaction as her family chase after Dylan into the sunset]

Cast

[edit]