Veronica Mars

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Veronica Mars, created by Rob Thomas. Starring Kristen Bell (as Veronica Mars), Teddy Dunn (as Duncan Kane), Jason Dohring (as Logan Echolls), Francis Capra (as Eli "Weevil" Navarro), Percy Daggs III (as Wallace Fennell), and Enrico Colantoni (as Keith Mars).

The Pilot (1x01)

Veronica (voice over): This is my school. If you go here, your parents are either millionaires, or your parents work for millionaires. Neptune California, a town without the middle class. If you're in the second group, you get a job. Fast food, movie theaters, mini marts. Or you could be me. My after school job means tailing philandering spouses or investigating false injury claims.

Veronica (voice over): (talking about Logan Echolls) Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He’s ours.

Weevil: Sister, the only time I care what a woman has to say is-is when she’s riding my big old hog but even then it’s not so much words just a bunch of oohs and aahs, you know?

Veronica: So it's big, huh?

Weevil: Legendary.

Veronica: Well, let's see it. I mean, if it's as big as you say, I'll be your girlfriend. (gasps) We could go to prom together!

Veronica: You want to know how I lost my virginity? So do I.

Sheriff Lamb: You need to go see the wizard. Ask him for some guts.

Cliff: I make no apologies. I like this case, it’s tawdry.

Veronica: God Lilly, I see the Prozac’s working.

Lilly: High on life, Veronica Mars. I’ve got a secret, a good one.

Weevil: Why you care so much for that skinny negro anyway. Things I heard about you, he must really lay the pipe right, huh.

Weevil: Alright, one week. After that, we come for you, your boy... and your little dog too.

Weevil: You get lonely out here remember, Weevil love you long time.

Wallace: Girl, you should hear what people say about you.

Keith: Tonight we eat like the lower-middle class to which we aspire.

Fire Chief: Well, if it isn't Smokey the Barely Legal.

Wallace: That might play with the masses but underneath that angry young woman show there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars. A twinkie!

Logan: Hey, Veronica Mars. Do you know what your little joke cost me?

Veronica: Well, I’m pretty sure you won’t be getting your bong back.

Wallace:: I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.

Veronica: Be cool, Soda Pop.

Credit Where Credit's Due (1x02)

Duncan: (chuckles) My plan, and I haven't worked this out entirely yet, so bear with me, was to... raise the roof.

Weevil: My reputation? Oh, well, then I guess what everybody says about you is true, too, huh? That you, you like it a little freaky. Don't you. That you spy on Duncan Kane, that you send him pictures of yourself? Be honest, Veronica. You think you're this big outsider. But push comes to shove? You're still one of them. You still think like one of them. Take off. I don't want you around here.

Keith: Way to stand up on your own two feet, Lamb, and say, hey, the buck stoooops - there.

Wallace: Do I look like James Bond to you?

Veronica: Am I asking you to retrieve a nuclear warhead? No. Just copy the attendance records. It’s cake. Facile.

Caitlin: I’m gonna go down to the gym to talk to people for the student poll.

Ms Dent: Be back by the end of the period. And remember that we’re a multicultural school with a diverse population of students from a wide range of socio-economic backgrounds.

Caitlin: Meaning?

Ms Dent: Meaning don’t just interview your friends.

Ms Dent: Duncan Kane, this is Veronica. (oblivious to the discomfort of both) Veronica’s going to be taking pictures tomorrow and I arranged for you to ride with Bodie’s parents.

Duncan: I’ll drive.

Ms Dent: Great, maybe Veronica can-

Veronica: I can drive too.

Ms Dent: Okay. Oil crisis be damned.

Troy:: Flat?

Veronica: Just as God made me.

Troy: Are you always this persnickety?

Veronica: Sometimes I'm even persnickety-er.

Veronica: I’m Veronica.

Troy: Really. Veronica. Okay, yeah, that-that does make a lot more sense.

Veronica: M-makes more sense how?

Troy: Aaa, it’s nothing. I just, uh, should never listen to those guys. I mean really, who names a daughter Trampy McBitch.

Lilly: Well, you know what my mom says. You have to kiss a few toads… That’s it. That’s her entire philosophy.

Wallace: Where you off to, superfly?

Veronica: I’m gonna nail that sucker.

Weevil: Veronica Mars, I hear you’re to thank for this Kodak moment. Didn’t you get the memo? The bad guy was already in jail. Gimme some love.

Troy: Well a wise man once said that a ‘No’ is like a ‘Yes’ except with different letters and arranged in a different order and spoken out loud but, you know, it disappears on the wind.

Meet John Smith (1x03)

Veronica (voiceover): The weird thing about going to high school with your ex is they're inescapable. Everywhere you turn, there they are.

Keith: Have you been playing nice with the other children?

Veronica: You know Dad, I'm old school, an eye for an eye.

Keith: I think that's actually Old Testament.

Logan: Okay nowhere man, you be the fool on the hill, see if I care. Dude you don't look so hot.

Duncan: Yes. Sweet old Molly, god rest her soul. Boy, could that dog catch a frisbee, ha. If only she'd had the good sense to not whiz in the flowerbed she'd still be with us.

Keith: So how did she rope you into this?

Wallace: She promised me all the answer keys to--just promised to be my friend.

Keith: I'd have held out for a better offer. I'll be in my office.

Veronica: Hey would you do me a favor?

Wallace: Why did all the hair on the back of my neck just stick up?

Veronica: It's not that big of a deal. Just--the next time you're in the administrations office, could you borrow my permanent file? I want to see what that counselor is telling Dad.

Wallace: Oh hey yeah, no big deal, I can't get expelled for that.

Keith: How was your date?

Veronica: Oh, you know, lousy conversation but the sex was fantastic.

Keith: That's not funny.

Veronica: I don't know, I'm pretty sure it was.

Veronica (voiceover): Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.

The Wrath of Con (1x04)

Wallace: It's not going to work. You can't take the cool out of me. Look, pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice.

Veronica: You need to lay off the caffeine, Grrrant. 'Cause you're downright testy!

You Think You Know Somebody (1x05)

Veronica: Dude, where's your car?

Veronica: So far it's been a whole lot of brick walls, but I talked to my buddy, Earl yesterday, at the impound yard.

Troy: What do I love more? That you have a buddy named Earl or that he works at the impound yard?

Return of the Kane (1x06)

Veronica: Well, you're in luck, Phillip Marlowe. Because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set-up here.

Keith: If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.

Veronica: Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.

Keith: Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.

Veronica: (gasps) What is that? A maraschino cherry.

Lilly: Check you out, Veronica Mars. You're like a rocker chick now. You and I, we'd have a lot of fun together. Yeah, if, um, if I wasn't dead and stuff.

Veronica: Why are you here?

Lilly: Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served.

Veronica: Really?

Lilly: Yeah, that, and as kinda a side project, I dispense fashion advice.

Veronica: Why would he have wanted to kill you?

Lilly: Honestly! I was awesome, right?

Veronica: I miss you, Lilly.

Miss Dent: Good morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper.

Veronica: Sure, I'll write it up this afternoon.

Miss Dent: The election's tomorrow.

Veronica: And I can already see the headline. "Brown-nosing, resume-packer wins in a landslide."

The Girl Next Door (1x07)

Vice Principal Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?

Logan: "Anthropomorphic." All yours, big guy.

Vice Principal Clemmons: (fake laugh) Your father has generously offered to donate a pair of boots for our school fundraising auction.

Logan: Not the ones made for walking? God, I love those boots.

Logan: They teach you manners in ESL?

Weevil: If I was was gonna cheat, don't you think I'd pick somebody smart?

Logan: "If you was gonna"?

Like A Virgin (1x08)

Wallace: So, did you take the purity test?

(Veronica looks at him disgusted)

Wallace: Yeah, me either...stupid right?

Veronica: What'd you score?

Wallace: 70

Veronica: Wow, you're a 30% danger loving, girl touching rock star!

Wallace: More like 1 point away from being cool

Veronica: Here (she unzips her jacket/shirt to reveal a sports bra) Now, you're a big stud, happy?

(Wallace laughs then has shocked look on his face, zoom on Veronica's face she turns around and looks shocked as well, Wallace's mom has seen the whole thing.)

Wallace's mom: Wallace? Can I talk to you for a moment?

Veronica:That had to be worth at least two points.

Drinking the Kool-Aid (1x09)

[none yet]

An Echolls Family Christmas (1x10)

Duncan: (singing and dancing) I'm Mr. Heat-Blister. I'm Mr. 101. They call Heat-Meiser. Whatever I touch, starts to melt --

Logan: You start singing, you stop drinking.

Veronica: (tilts head) Hey.

Weevil: See, there you go with that head-tilt thing. You know, you think you're all bad-ass, but whenever you need something it's all (mimics Veronica's head-tilt) "Hey."

Veronica: Just be glad I don't flip my hair. I'd own you.

Logan: (to Weevil) If you're asking me to the prom again, the answer is still no.

Logan: What, are we breaking up now? You want your best friend charm back?

Connor: (Talking about why Logan makes racist comments) Or is it because Rosie Perez thought you were a girl?

Weevil: What? Wait, wait. This I gotta hear!

Connor: When Logan was like ten, he was madly in love with Rosie Perez.

Logan: (mutters) You so don’t know what you’re talking about.

Connor: Aaron arranged for her to come to his birthday party, it was like this big moment. She walks in with this gift and she’s like, (imitating Rosie Perez) "Hahppy birthday, Lauren!" (everyone laughs)

Logan: That’s funny. Really hysterical.

Connor: Oh dude, she got you a purse! (everyone laughs)

Sean: So, Connor, you really are like the son Aaron Echolls never had.

Weevil: So wait, wait. Do you still have the purse?

Veronica: Look at you, all helpful.

Logan: Hey, your pestiness being unleashed on Connor brings me joy. Annoy, tiny blonde one, annoy like the wind!

Weevil: Want a sody-pop, or something?

Veronica: You know, I think I want something with a little more kick. (takes Duncan's bottle of Jim Beam)

Duncan: Hey, no!

Weevil: (after seeing Veronica chug from the bottle) Damn, girl.

Veronica: (to Duncan) Mmmm, iced tea?

Duncan: Yeah ...

Veronica: How very musical theater of you.

Veronica: And then, there's Bachelor Number Three. And he's got it all. Motive. Access. Looks like an evil-doer, smells like an evil-doer, but surprisingly, not so much ...

Silence of the Lamb (1x11)

Jackson: I hear you do detective stuff for people.

Veronica: I do favors for friends.

Jackson: I can pay.

Veronica: Sit down, friend.

Veronica: I don't care what people say about you, Veronica Mars. You rock.

Jackson: Yes, I do. I also take cash.

Clash of the Tritons (1x12)

Veronica: Know any good lawyers?

Cliff: Very cute. I know an adequate one that just posted your $500 bail.

Veronica: They take Diner's Club here?

Veronica: Howdy, Rick. Do I know you? No. Then why'd you tell Sheriff Lamb I sold you fake a ID?

Rick: It's - it's what they told me to say.

Veronica: Who's they?

Rick: No way. They're everywhere. They will destroy me.

Veronica: I'll destroy you worse.

Veronica: Hi, Dad. Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.

Keith: (laughs) You know the odd thing? Those were also her first words.

Miss James: You know what, it sounds like you blame Veronica.

Logan: You know, Veronica was my friend too. And if she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. And I blame myself for being stupid. And I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.

Miss James: You know, there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, you might be dead too.

Logan: And what is so great about living?

Veronica: This is a $250 piece of crap. Now I'm not just falsely accused, I'm genuinely offended.

Veronica: Hi, everybody! Say "repressed homosexuality!"

Sherriff Lamb: Your court date isn't until next Tuesday, right?

Veronica: You might as well go ahead and cancel that while I'm here.

Sherriff Lamb: Oh, really? Why's that?

Veronica: Well, I thought, for a change, you might be interested in having the real criminal stand trial. In the meantime, I'm gonna have a seat in your lounge - learn how to turn men into jelly with a new way of walking - and wait for the bad guy to turn himself in.

Sherriff Lamb: I don't have time for your games.

Veronica: And I don't have time to "wrongfully tamper a government-issued document" if I'm stuck here in your office. I'll make you a little deal, Lamb. If I don't deliver the person who put Tim in the hospital by 5pm today, I promise to walk - with a little something extra - into the courthouse on Tuesday and plead guilty to anything you wanna throw at me.

Sherriff Lamb: What do I have to do?

Veronica: Just pick a name. Write the name of any student on this post-it. Put it on the envelope, and have one of your minions drop it into locker 110. By the end of the day, that kid will have a fake ID, and you'll have yourself a crook. And I'll be sittin' over here, chillin' like a villian.

Logan: Gosh, Mom. Gee, Dad. Will I be going to live with Grandma?

Sheriff Lamb: (reading off of a $50 bill) Veronica Mars is... smarter than me.

Veronica: Oh, you stop it!

Lord of the Bling (1x13)

Veronica Mars: Next time remember: Lift drunk combative bail jumpers with your legs, not your back.

Veronica Mars: We used to be friends. A long time ago.

Lilly Kane: I can't help it if God made me fabulous!

Mars vs. Mars (1x14)

Logan: There's a woman who saw my mom get out of her car and get in a van with a "mysterious stranger."

Veronica: There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.

Logan: So the girl with a pig arm can't really bowl?

Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

Logan: I'm not paying you to worry about my hopes; I'm paying you to follow leads.

Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me.

Logan: This isn't a favor. It's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets.

Veronica: I'll stop braiding.

Weevil: (approaching Veronica who's looking in a trophy case) If you're looking for my trophy it's back by auto shop.

Veronica: Lube job? Or, can you medal in stealing hub caps?

Weevil: Is this 1970? Rims baby.

Veronica: So you got a trophy for a rim job?

Weevil: Forget it. Look, I've got some information for you.

Veronica: (smiling) Finally, a deep throat to call my own.

Weevil: I'm not going to touch that one.

Russkie Business (1x15)

Meg: Caz is always flirty with me but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs.

Logan: This is Logan with today's inspirational greeting. "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt Leave a message.

Logan: Wow, sugarpuss. You've certainly been a busy little bee. Ah, she's a keeper!

Logan: But if you're coming home, who will play Dead Hooker Number Two on CSI this week? How will you get your attention fix?

Trina: Maybe I can be the ring girl at one of your bum fights.

Logan: I love the 80's!

Leo: Head's up, Risky Business at 12 o'clock.

Logan: Come on, everybody, wang chung tonight! What? Everybody, wang chung tonight! Wang chung, or I'll kick your ass!

Veronica: I cannot escape Tom Cruise.

Trina: Logan, when did you stop wearing pants?

Betty and Veronica (1x16)

Duncan: Great game the other night man. Eighteen points, eight assists.

Wallace: On the streets we call those dimes.

Veronica: Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

Veronica: Whoever said it is a men's world had no idea how easy it is sometimes to be a girl.

Veronica: At my old school I was horny. (receives odd looks) We were the Rhinos. I was the mascot.

Veronica: A day in the life of the female google, always on the search.

Leo: Just so you'll know, in my mind your daydream was about me.

Veronica: Oh yeah?

Leo: I was a bit surprised you had me in full armor, but whatever.

Kanes and Abel's (1x17)

Veronica: Miss Sabrina commands you to put your pants back on and get a job.

External links

Wikipedia

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Veronica Mars