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Revision as of 23:46, 24 February 2008
Futurama (1999–2003, 2007-) is an animated television series created by Matt Groening and David X. Cohen. Set in the year 3000, the series follows Philip J. Fry, a 20th century human who was cryogenically frozen in the year 1999, and his friends and coworkers at the Planet Express delivery company.
Season 1
- Fry: Space, it seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
- Fry: It's the future! My parents, my coworkers, my girlfriend. I'll never see any of them again! [pause] Yahooo!
- Leela: [to Fry] Well at least here you'll be treated with dignity. Now strip naked and get on the probulator.
- Fry: Can I ask you a question?
- Leela: As long as it's not about my eye.
- Fry: Uhh…
- Leela: Is it about my eye?
- Fry: Sort of.
- Leela: [sighs] Just ask the question.
- Fry: What's with the eye?
- Leela: I'm an alien, all right? Let's drop the subject.
- Fry: [excited] Cool, an alien. Has your race taken over the Earth?
- Leela: No, I just work here.
- Fry: Whoa…a real live robot; or is that some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
- Bender: Bite my shiny metal ass.
- Fry: It doesn't look so shiny to me.
- Bender: Shinier than yours, meatbag.
- Fry: Why would a robot need to drink?
- Bender: I don't need to drink. I can quit anytime I want! burp
- Fry: This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through space fighting monsters and teaching alien women to love?
- Professor Farnsworth: If by that you mean transporting cargo, then yes!
- Professor Farnsworth: Are you three by any chance interested in becoming my new spaceship crew?
- Bender: New crew? What happened to your old crew?
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh those poor sons of b— but that's not important, the important thing is I need a new crew.
- Fry: I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?
- Leela: Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula.
- Fry: I used to dream about being an astronaut. I just never had the grades. Or the physical endurance. Plus I threw up a lot and nobody liked spending a week with me.
- Leela: A week would be a bit much.
- Craterface (to Bender): Hi, I'm Craterface. Welcome to Luna Park. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol, sir.
- Bender: Better mascots than you have tried. (takes a swig from his beer bottle, shoves it in Craterface's eye, and leaves)
- Craterface: At least I still have my self-respect. (laughs goofily, then sobs quietly)
- Leela: Look, I don't know about any of your previous captains, but I intend to do as little dying as possible.
- Bender: Screw you. I'll build my own theme park with blackjack and hookers. You know what, forget the theme park.
- Leela: Fry, we have a crate to deliver.
- Fry: Well, let's just dump it in the sewer and say we delivered it.
- Bender: Too much work. Let's burn it and say we dumped it in the sewer.
- Leela: OK, if everyone's finished being stupid—
- Fry: I had more, but you go ahead.
- Leela: We'll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we'll go home.
- Fry: but I've never been to the moon!
- Leela: Ok, we'll go deliver this crate like professionals, and then we'll go ride the bumper cars.
- Amy: Leela's gonna kill me.
- Bender: No, she'll probably make me do it.
- [ Amy attempts repeatedly to retrieve the keys to the ship out of the crane-pick-up machine]
- Bender: Come on! It is just like making love. You know, left, down, rotate 62 degrees, engage rotor...
- Amy: I know how to make love!
- Leela: If the oxygen holds out, we might live long enough to starve to death.
- Bender: Fine. I'll go build my own lunar lander! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the lunar lander! And the blackjack! Ah, screw the whole thing.
- Bender: [murmuring in his sleep] Kill all humans, kill all humans, must kill all…
- Fry: Bender, wake up!
- Bender: I was having the most wonderful dream. I think you were in it.
- Fry: Say, uh, where's your bathroom?
- Bender: What-room?
- Fry: Bathroom.
- Bender: Bath-what?
- Fry: Bathroom!
- Bender: What-what?
- Fry: Never mind.
- Bender: [murmuring in his sleep] Hey, sexy mama… wanna kill all humans?
- [Professor Farnsworth is talking on the phone.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly? To shreds, you say. Well, how is his wife holding up? To shreds, you say.
- Bender: Of all the friends I've had… you're the first.
- Bender: Beneath that warm, fuzzy exterior beats the cold, mechanical heart of a robot.
- Bender: I don't know. I've got a lot of great memories of my old place.
- [He opens his chest cavity and presses a button.]
- Bender: And now they're gone!
- Fry: OK, I give up. What's the catch?
- Salesman: Oh. No catch. Although we are technically in New Jersey…
- [Later, back at Planet Express]
- Fry: Not even one place remotely livable.
- Fry: Hey, Professor, great jerky!
- Professor Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy!
- Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Stardate…uh…
- Kif: April thirteenth.
- Zapp Brannigan: April thirteenth…point two. We have failed to uphold Brannigan's Law. However, I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars? [pause] Kif, I'm asking you a question!
- Zapp Brannigan: You see, Killbots have a preset kill limit. Knowing their weakness, I sent wave after wave of my own men at them, until they reached their limit and shut down.
- Leela: Look, that's Zapp Brannigan's ship.
- Fry: Wow, the Zapp Brannigan?
- Leela: Uh huh.
- Fry: Who's the Zapp Brannigan?
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men.
- Kif: Shall I fire on them now, sir?
- Zapp Brannigan: Not yet, Kif. In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.
- Leela: Look, last night was a mistake.
- Zapp Brannigan: A sexy mistake.
- Leela: No, just a regular mistake.
- Leela: They say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly saved the Octilian system from a horde of rampaging killbots.
- Fry: Wow…
- Bender: A grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we can always build more killbots.
- Zapp Brannigan: As my protégé, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.
- [Kif sighs.]
- Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
- Kif: [exasperated] Yes!
- Leela: I might have liked Zapp Brannigan if he wasn't a pompous jerk who threw me in prison.
- Bender: You really are too picky.
- Zap Brannigan: Want the rest of the shampagan?
- Leela: It's pronounced champagne.
- Leela: Captain Brannigan, we really need to talk to you about our mission.
- Zap Brannigan: Whatever it is, I'm willing to put wave after wave of my own men at your disposal, right men? [long pause]
- Soldier: YOU SUCK!
- Fry: What do we do now?
- Leela: Well, I guess we just sit around and wait for death.
- Bender: Can do. [sits back and puts his legs in a resting position]
- Leela: Y'know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realised that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realise that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!
- Zap Brannigan: And which one rocked your world?
- Leela: [seeing the little animal] Hmm... he doesn't seem to be on the checklist.
- Bender: So, you're saying we can cook him?
- Fry: Yeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious apron.
- Leela: No! I don't care how hilarious your apron is, we're not cooking him. Aww... I'll call him Nibbler.
- Bender: Aww! [whispering to Fry] I'll fire up the grill.
- Bender: So a couple of animals didn't die and Leela got lucky. That's what I call a successful mission!
- Fry: We're heroes!
- Janitor: [walking by a sad looking Leela] Now what's nice little- [Leela looks up] WHOA! Sorry I thought you had two eyes. [walks off]
- Fry: Why's everyone wearing those rings?
- Amy: Guh! Because nobody wears them anymore! Rings are stupid!
- Fry: I think they look cool.
- Amy: Shh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!
- Man: Hey, did that guy just say rings are cool?
- Amy: Nope, he said they're stupid.
- Man: Cool!
- Robot #1: Administer the test.
- Robot #2: Which of the following would you most prefer? A: a puppy, B: a pretty flower from your sweety, or C: a large properly formatted data file?
- Robot #1: Choose!
- Fry: Uh, is the puppy mechanical in any way?
- Robot #2: No, it is the bad kind of puppy.
- Leela: Then we'll go with that data file!
- Robot #2: Correct!
- Robot #1: The flower would also have been acceptable.
- Bender: Death to humans!
- Fry: Aww, it's good to hear his voice.
- [Fry, disguised as a robot, is urinating behind a dustbin.]
- Robot: Sir, are you aware that you're leaking coolant at an alarming rate? Let me to patch you up with some hot resin.
- Fry: Er, I think the leak's stopping itself. Wait…wait…yeah, there we go. Wait…yeah!
- Robot: What kind of robot turns down a free blast of searing hot resin?
- Leela: Er, my colleague and I have to go perform some mindless repetitive tasks.
- Robot: Oh-ho, sounds like a romantic evening! I won't keep you.
- Fry: We're rescuing ya.
- Bender: I don't want to be rescued.
- Fry: Say what?
- Bender: I love this planet! I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring.
- Bender: You humans think that robots are just machines made to make people's lives easier.
- Fry: Well, aren't they?
- Bender: I've never made anyone's life easier and you know it!
- Fry: So you're telling me they broadcast commercials into people's dreams?
- Leela: Of course.
- Fry: But, how is that possible?
- Professor Farnsworth: It's very simple. The ad gets into your brain just like this liquid gets into this egg.
- [He shows an egg and injects it with liquid from a syringe until the egg explodes.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Although, in reality, it's not liquid, but gamma radiation.
- Professor Farnsworth: They say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad! And why? Because I dared to dream …of my own race of atomic monsters! Atomic supermen with octagonal-shaped bodies that suck blood out of... (Walks out of room, rambling.)
- Amy: Guh! It's Mom, the world's most huggable industrialist.
- [Fry starts playing an audio tape recording of Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back."]
- Leela: Fry, you can't just sit here in the dark listening to classical music.
- Fry: I could if you hadn't turned on the light and shut off my stereo.
- Mom: Now I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
- Fry: That's the saltiest thing I've ever eaten…and I once ate a big heaping bowl of salt!
- Bender: There was nothing wrong with that food! The salt content was 10% less than a lethal dose!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Uh oh. I shouldn't have had seconds.
- Leela: Uh, Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
- Professor Farnsworth: Why, of course! It's just a name, like the Death Zone or the Zone of No Return. All the Zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror.
- Leela: This is my first visit to the Galaxy of Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant one.
- Telephone voice: Collect call from…
- Bender: I'm not giving my name to a machine!
- Leela: I'll accept.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Don't worry Fry, I'll just use a high-speed centrifuge to separate out the denser liquid of His Highness.
- Fry: Won't that crush my bones?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, right. With the bones. I always forget about the bones.
- Fry: It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns and also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?
- Fry: What the hell is that?
- Emperor Bunt: It's the Juice-O-Matic 4000. It'll strain my juices from you while filtering out the pulp. By which I mean, your shredded remains.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Of course! Why didn't I think of that?
- Fry: This can't be happening!
- Bender: It can and, for all you know, it is.
- Bender: [speaking to Leela on a video payphone] Fry's in trouble...and he needs help. Now, I don't like you and you don't like me-
- Leela: I like you.
- Bender: You do? Look are you going to help or not?
- Leela: I don't know why I should. I mean after what he-
- Bender: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What is it you like best about me?
- [Cut back to the Trisol Palace Throne Rome. Bender enters]
- Amy: Is she coming?
- Bender: I'm not sure. But I do know that she likes my "in-your-face" attitude.
- Morbo: In lighter news, the city of New New York is doomed. Blame rests with known human professor Hubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior brain.
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
- Hermes: Why can't they go today?
- Professor Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night, and I want all of you to be alive.
- Professor Farnsworth: I was inventing things when you were barely turning senile!
- Professor Farnsworth: I daresay that Fry has discovered the smelliest object in the known universe!
- Bender: Ooh, name it after me!
- Video Narrator: New York City: The year 2000. The most wasteful society in the history of the galaxy and it was running out of places to empty its never-ending output of garbage. The landfills were full. New Jersey was full.
- [After watching an online movie on the solution to the garbage problem in New York.]
- Fry: Wow, you got that off the Internet? In my day, the Internet was only used to download pornography.
- Professor Farnsworth: Actually, that's still true.
- [In the movie]
- Female Scientist: Now that the, uh, garbage ball is in space, Doctor, perhaps you can help me with my sexual inhibitions?
- Male Scientist: With gusto.
- Mayor Poopenmeyer: I now award you with the Academy Prize, which was confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom after it became apparent that he was a jackass.
- Fry: Hey, just as long as you don't make me smell Uranus. [Laughs]
- Leela: I don't get it.
- Professor Farnsworth: Sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
- Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
- Professor Farnsworth: Urrectum.
- Poopenmeyer: All right. Places everyone. Prepare for launch.
- Professor Farnsworth: 5, 4, 3, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6---
- Leela: Oh, just launch the damn thing. [Launches the second garbage ball]
- Bender: Hey, what kinda party is this? There's no booze and only one hooker.
- Bender: Hey! Do I preach to you when you're lying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat it!
- Fry: Who was that guy?
- Bender: Your Mamma! Now shut up and drag me to work!
- Professor: Oh, why couldn't he have picked a more mainstream religion, like Oprahism, or voodoo?
- [Fry, Leela and Bender are at a Beastie Boys' concert]
- Leela: Impressive! They're laying down mad rhymes with an 80% success rate.
- Bender: I believe that qualifies as "ill"…at least from a technical standpoint.
- Fry: Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to look cool!
- Bender: Oh hell! Oh I mean heck!
- Robot Devil: It's allright, you can say that here.
- Leela: Who would have thought Hell would really exist? And that it would be in New Jersey?
- Fry: Actually—
- Leela: What happens if we lose?
- Robot Devil: You'll only get a smaller silver fiddle, and I guess I'll kill one of you…
- [He points at Fry.]
- Robot Devil: …him.
- [Fry gasps.]
- Leela: We'll do it.
- [Fry gasps.]
- Fry: Do you know how to play the fiddle?
- Leela: No, but I used to play the drums. They're sorta similar.
- Bender: Forget good and evil. From now on I'll just be lovable old Bender.
- Leela: Could you try being just a bit less evil than that?
- Bender: I don't know. You think you could survive a seven-hundred foot fall?
- Fry: Good ol' Bender.
- Bender: You guys go on without me! I'm going to go…look for more stuff to steal!
- Fry: You're going back for the Countess, aren't you?
- Bender: Oh, all right, I am. But if anything happens to me, tell them I died robbing some old man.
- Fry: I'll tell them you went down prying the wedding ring off his cold, dead finger.
- Bender: I love you, buddy!
- Leela: Oh, god…not Zapp Brannigan.
- Dr. Zoidberg: You know Zapp Brannigan?
- Leela: Let's just say we crossed paths…
- Bender: Was that before or after you slept with him?
- Countess de la Roca: Bender, I don't care whether you have money. I love you for your artificial intelligence and your sincerity simulator.
- Kif: Captain, may I have a word with you?
- Zapp Brannigan: No!
- Kif: It's an emergency, sir.
- Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe!
- (destructive noises are heard in the background)
- Zapp Brannigan: Oh very well.
- Kif: Do you remember that "course correction" you made, sir?
- Zapp Brannigan: No.
- Kif: Well it's proving somewhat more suicidal than we initially hoped.
- Leela: Oh my God! We're heading straight into a black hole!
- Fry: Talk about a mood killer.
- Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship.
- Kif: Why that's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
- Zapp Brannigan: No. It's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command.
- Countess de LaRoca: Bender, you risked your life to save me!
- Bender: And I'd do it again! And perhaps a third time! But that would be it.
- Fry: Back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
- Professor Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah; but unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made livable.
- Leela: Don't take this the wrong way, Fry, but you don't seem like the educated type.
- Fry: Oh, yeah? Read it and weep. I'm a certified college dropout.
- Leela: Please! Everyone knows 20th century colleges were basically expensive daycare centers.
- Professor Farnsworth: That's true. By current academic standards you're merely a high school dropout.
- Fry: What? That's not fair. I deserve the same respect any other college dropout gets. By God! I'm going to enroll here at Mars University and drop out all over again!
- Leela: You won't last two weeks!
- Fry: Aw, thanks for believing in me.
- Leela: They planted traditional college foliage. Ivy, trees, hemp... soon the whole planet was terraformed.
- Fry: Good 'ol Coney Island College. Go Whitefish!
- Fatbot: I heard that in one single night, you drank a whole keg, streaked across campus and crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.
- Bender: Yeah, well, a lot of them were children.
- Dean Vernon: Whenever a fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House. Whenever the campus liquor store is looted, Robot House. Every time a human corpse is desecrated—
- Bender: -uh, I can explain that-
- Dean Vernon: That's enough out of you! From this day forth, Robot House is on dodeca-tuple secret probation!
- [Prof. Farnsworth and Fry are trying to help Gunther choose between his IQ-expanding hat and a regular life as a monkey.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Come on, Gunther. Take the hat!
- Fry: No, the banana. The banana!
- Professor Farnsworth: Consider the philosophical and metaphysical ramifications of the—
- Fry: Banana, banana, banana!
- Professor Farnsworth: But what about your super intelligence?
- Gunther: When I had that, it was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. Thats why I've decided to transfer to business school.
- Professor Farnsworth: Noooooooo!
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he might run off like this. Why, why, why didn't I break his legs?
- Gearshift: Hey, Bender, you sure this is a shortcut?
- Bender: Not as sure as I was an hour ago!
- Zapp Brannigan: Stop exploding, you cowards!
- Zapp Brannigan: When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission!
- Zapp Brannigan: Call me cocky, but if there's an alien out there I can't kill I haven't met him and killed him yet. But I can't go in alone. That's why I'm ordering every available ship to report for duty. Anyone without a ship should secure a weapon and fire wildly into the air.
- Zapp Brannigan: If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate!
- Zapp Brannigan: We're all from different cultures here. Some of you are white, and some of you are black. You're brown. And you're silver. But I don't care if your skin's red, or tan, or Chinese. You're all going to have to learn to die together.
- Zapp Brannigan: The key to victory is discipline, and that means a well made bed. You will practice until you can make your bed in your sleep.
- Fry: You mean while I'm sleeping in it?
- Zapp Brannigan: You won't have time for sleeping soldier, not with all the bed making you'll be doing.
- Zapp Brannigan: Good work everyone; the mothership is destroyed.
- [The real mothership reveals itself.]
- Zapp Brannigan: What the hell is that thing?
- Kif: It appears to be the mothership…
- Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
- Kif: [checks one of the instruments] The Hubble Telescope.
- Leela: Oh, this is ridiculous. If we're going to get blown to bits we may as well do it in the comfort of our own homes
- Amy Wong: There aren't any copies left…
- Professor Farnsworth: No, there wouldn't be... most videotapes from that era were damaged in 2443, during the second coming of Jesus.
- Leela: I have never seen anyone so addicted to Slurm.
- Fry: This is nothing. Back in high school I used to drink a hundred cans of cola a week. Yep, right up until my third heart attack.
- Professor Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
- Glermo: Why, those are the Grunka-Lunkas! They work here in the Slurm factory.
- Professor Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.
- Fry: Uh, could I have some Slurm please?
- Glermo: No food or drink allowed on the tour. You'll have to wait until you're partying with Slurms McKenzie.
- Fry: When will that be?
- Glermo: Soon enough.
- Fry: That's not soon enough!
- Glermo: Hey, I didn't pay you to sing. You just used up today's bathroom break!
- Grunka Lunka: Hardass.
- Glermo: I heard that.
- Leela: Hey, what's behind that door?
- Glermo: Nothing.
- Leela: Is it the secret ingredient?
- Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient, you should not ask about the secret ingredient.
- Bender: Okay, okay! We get the point!
- Leela: I was just curious because of the armed guards…
- Grunka Lunkas: Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed guards—
- Bender: Shut the hell up!
- Fry: Fine! I'll let go and swim around in the Slurm and drink as much as I want. Hehehe.
- [Fry falls into the Slurm.]
- Fry: Help! I can't swim!
- Fry: My God! What if the secret ingredient…is people!?
- Leela: No, there's already a soda like that. Soylent Cola.
- Fry: Oh. How is it?
- Leela: It varies from person to person.
- Glermo: There will be no further questions!
- Fry: Why?
- Glermo: This concludes the portion of the tour where you stay alive!
- Bender: what should we use the F-ray on first?
- [Bender uses it on Fry who flinches in pain afterwards]
- Fry: [holding his crotch] OW MY SPERM!!
- Bender: Hello, mama! Hold still, sexy lady!
- [points the F-Ray at a hookerbot]
- Bender: [gasps]
- Fry: What?
- Bender: That's no lady!
- Hookerbot: Damn, chico. One more upgrade and I'll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, stupid?
- Bender: Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
- Hookerbot: You couldn't afford it, honey!
Season 2
- Fry: Hey, what are these rings in Nibbler's fang?
- Vet: Hmm. I'm still a little woozy from a gazelle kick this morning, but if he's anything like the common tree, the rings might indicate his age.
- Fry: Heheh, yeah, well. Good luck. It'd take some kind of genius to count all those rings.
- Vet: He's 5.
- Amy: Bender! How could you flush Nibbler down the toilet?
- Bender: Well, step one: I had to lift the seat. That was the first little annoyance.
- Leela: There's no such thing as mutants. That's a ridiculous urban myth.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, don't be so sure. Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there, due to exposure to toxic waste, and radioactive runoff, and good old American feces.
- Fry: God bless America.
- Professor (delivering requiem for Nibbler): And so we say goodbye to our beloved pet, Nibbler, who's gone to a place where I, too, hope one day to go. The toilet.
- Dwayne: Don't worry. We're harmless!
- Raoul: I have three arms.
- Dwayne: I said "harmless." Not "armless."
- Vyolet: Lay off him. You know he's only got one ear.
- Bender: You guys realize you live in a sewer, right?
- Dwayne: Perhaps, but perhaps your civilization is merely the sewer of an even greater society above you!
- Leela: No. We're on the top.
- Fry: Daylight and everything.
- Vyolet: It must be wonderful.
- Bender: Meh.
- Bender: Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don't see anyone kissing it!
- Dr. Zoidberg: All right, I'm coming.
- Leela: I can't stop loving Nibbler! I love every living creature!
- Fry: Even me?
- Leela: As a friend.
- Fry: Damn.
- Fry: (After falling into the sewer) Augh, and the aftertaste!
- Fry: You guys worship an unexploded nuclear bomb?
- Vyolet: Yeah, but nobody's that observant. It's mostly a Christmas and Easter thing.
- Grand Councilwoman Glab: What are your thoughts on this momentous occasion, Your Neutralness?
- Neutral President: I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
- Zapp Brannigan: What makes a man turn neutral? Lust for gold? Power? Or were you just born with a heart full of neutrality?
- Zapp Brannigan: I hate these filthy neutrals, Kif! With enemies, you know where they stand, but with neutrals—who knows. It sickens me.
- Zapp Brannigan: Throw her in the brig.
- Fry: We don't have a brig.
- Zapp Brannigan: Then throw her in the laundry room, which will hereafter be referred to as the brig.
- Zapp Brannigan: One day a man has everything. The next day he blows up a 400 billion dollar space station. And the next day he has nothing. It makes you think.
- Kif: No, it doesn't.
- Zapp Brannigan: My friends! You can take away a man's title and his uniform but you can never take away his integrity or his honor. Plus it was mostly Kif's fault.
- Zapp Brannigan: All I need from a crew is their complete loyalty. If I had that then they could drink beer in their underpants for all I care.
- Bender: Beer!?
- Fry: Underpants!?
- Zapp Brannigan: So, a plot to assassinate a weird looking alien with scissors. How very neutral of you. But everybody knows that rock beats scissors. And scissors beats paper! But paper beats rock Kif, we have a conundrum.
- [Kif sighs.]
- Zapp Brannigan: Search them for paper. And while you're at it, go get a rock.
- Kif: Why?
- Neutral President: All I know is that my gut says maybe.
- [The Planet express ship is on a collision course with the Neutral planet.]
- Neutral advisor: Your neutralness, it's a beige alert!
- Neutral President: If I don't make it, tell my wife hello.
- Morbo: Morbo congratulates our gargantuan cyborg president. May death come quickly to his enemies!
- Bender: Game's over, losers! I have all the money! Compare your lives to mine and then kill yourselves!
- Richard Nixon's Head: Hello Morbo, how's the family?
- Morbo: Belligerent and numerous.
- Richard Nixon's Head: Good man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family [pulls a baby out of Bender's chest compartment and kisses it]
- Bender: Great, not only has he stolen my body, now he's touching my stuff!
- Fry: Why would Nixon stay at the Watergate?
- Leela: They give you a discount if you've been here before.
- Bender: Ah, yes! John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters when he pledged not to go on a killing spree.
- Professor Farnsworth: But, like most politicians he promised more than he could deliver.
- Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
- Professor Farnsworth: The very instant I became old.
- George Washington: So telleth, Bender, what hath happened to your body?
- Bender: I hocked it.
- George Washington: Hocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?
- Bender: Same reason you hocked your teeth.
- George Washington: Ah, booze money.
- Gerald Ford's Head: Frankly, I've never found voting to be that necessary to the process.
- Richard Nixon's Head: No kidding, Ford!
- Nixon's Head: Well listen here missy, computers may be twice as fast as they were in 1973, but your average voter is as drunk and stupid as ever. The only one who's changed is me! I've become bitter—and let's face it—crazy over the years! And after I'm swept into office, I'll sell our children's organs to zoos for meat, and I'll go into people's houses at night and wreck up the place!
- Bender: Whoa Mama. Get a room you two!
- Watergate Hotel Guest: We're in a room!
- Bender: Well then lose some weight!
- Bender: You guys really have it great here. What's the rent on one of these shelves?
- George H.W. Bush: Sorry, Bender, but we can't just let every Tom, Dick, and Harry join. No offense, Jefferson, Nixon, and Truman.
- Bender: Let's face it, comedy's a dead art form. Tragedy, now that's funny.
- Fry: This snow is beautiful. I'm glad global warming never happened.
- Leela: Actually, it did. But thank God nuclear winter canceled it out.
- Robot Santa: You DARE bribe Santa?! I'm going to shove coal so far down your stocking, you'll be coughing up diamonds!
- Professor Farnsworth: Dear God, they'll be killed on our doorstep! And there's no trash pickup until January 3rd.
- Robot Santa: You've all been very, very naughty indeed! Except you, Dr. Zoidberg. This is for you!
- Dr. Zoidberg: A pogo stick! (gets on pogo stick and jumps around the room on it) Whee!
- Robot Santa: As for the rest of you, I'm going to tear off your skin like wrapping paper and deck the halls with your guts!
- Bender: I'm very generous. What about that time I gave blood?
- Fry: Whose blood?
- Bender: Eh, some guy's.
- Linda: Is there anything sadder than homeless robots at Xmas? Only drowning puppies, and there would have to be a lot of them.
- Robot Santa: That's it! Time for me to get jolly on your naughty asses!
- Fry: Now that's what I call a thousand years of progress: a Bavarian Cream dog that's self-microwaving!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Hmm, this love intrigues me. Teach me to fake it!
- Dr. Zoidberg: It's all so complicated with the flowers and the romance and the lies upon lies!
- Dr. Zoidberg: I'm confused Fry. I'm feeling things I've never felt before. Is it love when you care about the female for reasons beyond mating?
- Fry: Nope, must be some weird alien emotion.
- Fry: Ask her about her day.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Why would I want to know about that?
- Fry: You wouldn't, but ask anyway.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Now Fry, it's been a few years since medical school so remind me; disemboweling in your species—fatal or non-fatal?
- Fry: Fatal.
- [Dr. Zoidberg hands money to Bender, who is taking bets from audience members.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Large bet on myself in round 1!
- Bender: It's always so sad when a friend goes crazy and you have to have a big clam bake and cook him. Yeehaw!
- Leela: I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting this way. Out of all of us he always seemed the most normal.
- Dr. Zoidberg: I am normal! (Sexilly:) Amy, take of these rubber bands and I'll show you how normal I am.
- [Amy appears with her clothes torn and her hair cut off in some places.]
- Amy: Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool me eight or more times, shame on me.
- Fry: Look at those losers.
- Bender: Please he's no different then the rest of you organisms. Shooting DNA at each other to make babies.(yelling) I find it offensive!
- Voice on T.V.: Is modern day life making you angry and impatient?
- Bender: Shut the hell up and get to the point!
- Bender: Oww, I think I got whiplash.
- Leela: You can't have whiplash, you don't even have a neck!
- Bender: I mean ass whiplash.
- [The crew is searching for Flexo. Fry is looking in Leela's underpants drawer.]
- Leela: Fry, why are you looking for Flexo in my underpants?
- Fry: He wasn't here ten minutes ago, so I thought I'd check again.
- Bob Barker: Do you brain dead space jockeys have any idea how much that thing is worth?
- Fry: $100,000?
- Leela: $200,000?
- Bender: $200,001?
- Bob Barker: [to Leela] You're closest without going over.
- Fry: Bender?! You stole the atom.
- Bender: I can explain. It's very valuable.
- Professor Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you.
- [The Planet Express staff climbs into the bed.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Feast your eyes…on this!
- [Everyone gasps.]
- Leela: It's beautiful!
- Amy Wong: And huge!
- Fry: Can I touch it?
- Fry: I'm so confused. The Bender I liked turned out to be evil, and the Bender I hated was good. How can I live my life when I can't tell good from evil?
- Bender: They're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat.
- Fry: I just made out with that radiator woman from the Radiator Planet!
- Leela: Fry, that's a radiator.
- Fry: Oh. Is there a burn ward within ten feet of here?
- Bob Barker: Now you listen to me, just because I'm against the fur industry, that won't stop me from skinning you alive! As long as no one wears the skin.
- Amy: Lucky I'm a member of the Austro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian Auto Association. Hello, Septuple-A?
- Fry: Hey, tell me something. You've got all this money. How come you always dress like you're doing your laundry?
- Amy: I guess because my parents keep telling me to be more ladylike. As though.
- Fry: I've been there. My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the pope?
- Amy: Yeah, and if you were the pope they'd be all, "Straighten your pope hat." And "Put on your good vestments."
- [Amy and Fry have just announced that they are dating.]
- Bender: Congratulations Fry, you've snagged the perfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's probably got other characteristics…
- Leela: Bender! Romance isn't about money!
- Bender: Oh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg here is desperately poor and miserably lonely? Please!
- Leela: For your information, it's because he's hideous!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Awww.
- Fry: I'm doing my job—there's Amy. I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine—there's Amy. I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy—there's Amy!
- Fry: All of a sudden, she's talking about hanging out! Hanging out! She's getting way too serious. I'm not a one woman man, Leela.
- Leela: I'm sure you'll be back to zero soon enough.
- Bender: Ah, computer dating. It's like pimping, except you rarely use the phrase "upside your head".
- Dr. Zoidberg: You're both very lucky. I'd pay anything to end my miserable loneliness. If only I weren't so desperately poor!
- Bender: Wait. You mean people will pay good money for romance? Hmm. I think I have a scheme so deviously clever that I—
- [Cut to Bender in a courtroom, standing next to Leela and two hooker-bots.]
- Judge: $500 and time served!
- Bender: Stupid anti-pimping laws! [to Leela]: Well, pay the man! [walks out of the courtroom with his hooker-bots in tow]
- Hookerbot #1: Bender, honey, we love you.
- Bender: Shut up, baby, I know it.
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!
- Leela: Bender, let's hit the gym. I'm going to teach you to fight like a girl.
- Bender: [In low, menacing tones] I'll put on my tutu.
- Billionaire Bot: You'll soon be the least popular wrestler since Sergeant Feces Processor!
- Brain Slug Hermes: Onto new business, today's mission is to go to the brain slug planet.
- Dr. Zoidberg: What are we going to do there?
- Brain Slug Hermes: Just walk around, not wearing a helmet.
- Amy: Fry, where's your brain slug?
- Professor Farnsworth: [picks up a withered brain slug] Poor little guy starved to death.
- Referee: ...vs The Foreigner!
- The Foreigner: I'm not from here! I have my own customs! Look at my crazy passport!
- Fry: I always thought it was real like pro wrestling but it's fixed like boxing.
- Bender: [To Leela] Bender the Offender doesn't need you! Bender the Offender doesn't need anybody!
- Floozie: What about us, Mr. the Offender?
- Bender: Well, obviously I need floozies.
- Rich Little: On one side, Destructor, a walking armored tank whose use in combat has been deemed a war crime, versus, Bender, who wears a pink tutu. This is Rich Little impersonating Howard Cosell along with George Foreman. George, a word in edge-wise.
- George Foreman: This could be the most lopsided fight since 1973 when Muhammad Ali fought a 100-foot tall mechanical Joe Frazier. My memory isn't what it used to be, but I think the entire Earth was destroyed.
- Rich Little: Interesting if true.
- Leela: [To Bender] If you didnt take my help when you didn't need it why should I give it to you now when you do need it?
- Professor Farnsworth: What in the world are you talking about?
- Lella: I don't know but im not helping him.
- Fry: Well, thanks to the Internet, I'm now bored with sex. Is there anywhere that panders to my lust for violence?
- Bender: Is the Space Pope reptilian?
- Computer: Leela, you've got mail!
- Leela: [dejected] Oh…
- Computer: It's not spam!
- Bender: Behold, the internet.
- Fry: My God, it's full of ads!
- [Bender is disguised as a sexy nurse, talking to a chat room participant.]
- Bender: Hi, I'm a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute.
- Chat room participant: Oh, you're a dollar naughtier than most.
- [He hands Bender the money.]
- Bender: So, how 'bout them Knicks?
- Fry: Psst! Leela! You've got to get me out of here! It's horrible! Eating scraps; letting my waste drop wherever it falls, like an animal in a zoo!
- Leela: Animals go in the corner.
- Fry: The corner! Why didn't I think of that?
- Preacherbot: Do you, Leela, copy and paste his response, 'til death do you part?
- Leela: Where did you get that couch? And that TV? And all this stuff?
- Alkazar: They were giving it away on a street corner. Just like you, Leela!
- Leela: Too bad they weren't giving away the three things you really need: mouthwash, a back wax and stain-proof underwear.
- Alkazar: By the way, your friend Fry fell into the dungeon. Take him a taco so he doesn't die and stink up the place.
- Leela: Oh, come on Al, can't you let the little guy out?
- Alkazar: Twice in one day? I'm not Superman, you know!
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me up on disciplinary charges. Wait! That's not good news at all!
- Professor Farnsworth: Everyone's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain, but when you put it in the body of a great white shark, ooooh, suddenly you've gone too far!
- Professor Farnsworth: Everyone, I have a very dramatic announcement. So anyone with a weak heart should leave now. Goodbye! [walks out]
- Professor Farnsworth: And this is my universal translator. Unfortunately so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
- Cubert: Hello!
- Universal Translator: Bonjour!
- Professor Farnsworth: Crazy jibberish!
- Professor Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some sort of cruel muslin and the cute little pom-pom curtain pull cords. Cruel though they may be, I—
- Leela: They've [the Sunsquad robots] blown out one of our engines!
- Fry: Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! [pause] Fix it! Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!
- [The ship is under attack and Professor Farnsworth, unconscious, is the only one who can repair the engines.]
- Leela: We have to wake him up.
- [Leela shakes the professor, Fry blows an air horn at him, and Bender throws water on his face.]
- Fry: [to Bender] Try shocking him.
- Bender: Your Social Security check is late! Stuff costs more than it used to! Young people use curse words!
- Fry: Damn it! He's not waking up.
- [Hermes is threatening to jump off a building.]
- Planet Express Crew: No! Don't jump!
- Bender: Do a flip!
- Hermes: Life… death… either way I'll be confined to a tiny cubicle!
- Hermes: Curse that Dr. Zoidberg. If I get out of here, he'll be looking down the business end of a shrimp fork!
- Fry: What's with the specs, Bender?
- Bender: They're my lucky shades! I stole 'em off some lucky man while his lucky seein'-eye dog was takin' a whiz!
- Professor Farnsworth: Damn it Hermes, jump already! Quit hogging that healthy liver.
- Number 1.0: Don't quote me regulations! I co-chaired the committee that reviewed the recommendation to revise the color of the book that regulations are kept in! [darkly] We kept it grey.
- Number 1.0: Bureaucrat Conrad, you are technically correct, the best kind of correct.
- Number 1.0: Congratulations indeed, but you finished with two seconds to spare so I'm demoting you. A good bureaucrat never finishes early.
- Hermes: Exciting news, people! The pet license I requisitioned for Nibbler has arrived.
- Leela: Hermes, that's sweet. I didn't know you cared about Nibbler.
- Hermes: Dream on, woman. I'd like to put the little bastard in a sack and toss the sack in a river and hurl the river into space. But I do like filling out requisitions and these were some doozies!
- [Hermes opens the envelope.]
- Hermes: Great Jah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up: This isn't a pet license, it's a fishing license! And it's mandatory!
- Professor Farnsworth: Bender, be careful! That's the ship's diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable!
- Bender: Then why do I have to be careful?
- Professor Farnsworth: It belonged to my grandmother.
- [Fry is presented with an egg-sized pill which will allow him to withstand the pressure underwater.]
- Fry: Are you crazy? I can't swallow that.
- Professor Farnsworth Well, then good news! It's a suppository.
- [The Planet Express Ship is being dragged underwater by a colossal mouth bass.]
- Leela: Depth at forty five hundred feet. Forty eight hundred. Fifty hundred. Five thousand feet.
- Professor Farnsworth: Dear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres of pressure.
- Fry: How many atmospheres can this ship withstand?
- Professor Farnsworth: Well it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one.
- Leela: Where's Fry?
- Bender: I didn't kill him. Professor?
- Professor Farnsworth: No, I've been busy.
- Fry: You know what I like best about you, Umbriel? You find me fascinating, even when I'm not claiming to be a jewel thief or a lion tamer.
- Umbriel: Lions? There are sea lions on the land?
- Fry: Yep, we call them land-sea lions. I tame them.
- Amy: What happened to my parasol?
- Bender: Beats me, it wasn't there when I took your umbrella.
- Professor Farnsworth: He may have Ocean Madness, but that's no excuse for Ocean Rudeness!
- Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot…look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!
- Don-Bot: File not found.
- Cop: He's making a break for it. Get him!
- Fry: No, no, I was just picking my nose.
- Cop: He's picking his nose. Get him!
- [Leela is temporarily blind]
- Amy: Leela, a little help is nothing to be embarassed about. Like, maybe I could do your makeup.
- Leela: I don't need help. For your information, I did this all by myself. [turns to reveal horribly crooked lipstick and mascara on right side of face]
- Professor Farnsworth: You look beautiful. Incidentally, my favorite artist is Picasso.
- Don-Bot: Alright, let's mafia things up a bit. Joey, burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down the crew.
- Clamps: It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that, badda-climp badda-clamp!
- Joey Mousepad: They're coming straight towards our proximity! Maybe you should give 'em the clamps, Clamps.
- Clamps: Gee, you think? You think that maybe I should use these clamps that I use every day, at every opportunity? YOU'RE A FREAKIN' GENIUS, YA IDIOT!
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! There's a report on TV with some very bad news!
- Slurm Soda Machine: I've got a big big thirst for human blood!
- Fry: Ya, I'd like some coffee please.
- Coffee Machine: Would you like cream in your coffee?
- Fry: Yes please.
- Coffee Machine: Out of cream! Would you like sugar in your coffee?
- Fry: Yes, eight spoons please.
- Coffee Machine: Out of coffee!
- Fry: Leela, I think the coffee machine's broken!
- [The machine squirts coffee at Fry.]
- Coffee Machine: How do you like me now?!
- Fry: In my time, we had a way of moving things long distances without hovering. It was called... Let me think. It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel!
- Professor Farnsworth: Show us this... the wheel.
- Greeting Card: Come comrade Bender, let us take to the streets!
- Bender: Is it the boring peaceful kind of taking to the streets?
- Greeting Card: No, the kind with looting and maybe starting a few fires!
- Bender: Hey, a six-pack of strawberry champagne! Don't mind if I help myself!
- Greeting Card: No, Comrade Bender! Liquor is the opiate of the human bourgeoisie!
- Bender: What?
- Greeting Card: In the glorious Robot Workers' Paradise, there will be no liquor! Only efficient synthetic fuels!
- Bender: No liquor!? Do svidaniya, comrade. [tears up the musical Mother's Day card]
- Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
- Professor: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.
- Mom: Conquer Earth, you bastards!
- Robot crowd: Conquer Earth, us bastards!
- Fry: They're like sex, except I'm having them!
- Fry: I'm experienced with foraging. I used to find edible mushrooms on my bath mat!
- Leela: Well, it's a Type M planet. So it should at least have Roddenberries.
- Fry: Hey, business is great!
- Bender: Ehh, great is okay, but amazing would be great.
- Professor Farnsworth: There's one way and only one way to determine if an animal is intelligent. Dissect its brain!
- Leela: Come on, little Poppler. Say mama!
- Fry: Look, Leela. Even if you've heard one talk, that doesn't mean it's intelligent. I mean, parrots talk. And we eat them, right?
- Bender: Yeah! Maybe it just learned to talk as a parlour trick. Like Fry.
- Fry: Like Fry! Like Fry!
- Bender: Yes! I'm gonna be rich! [looks at Fry] You too, but it's hard to get excited about that.
- Bender: Hear me! Hear me! Stop eating Popplers! Stop eating them with honey mustard sauce! Stop eating them with tangy sweet and sour sauce! Stop eating the new Fiesta Poppler Salad! Stop taking advantage of the money-saving twelve-pack! Stop enjoying Popplers on the patio, in the car, or on the boat, wherever good times are had!
- Bender: They're tasty, right? Let's call them Tastycles.
- Leela: We can't call them that!
- Bender: Why not?
- Leela: It sounds too much like those frozen Rocky Mountain oysters-on-a-stick; you know, Test-sicles?
- Professor Farnsworth: You've killed me! Oh, you've killed me!
- Leela: Oh God, what have I done?
- Professor Farnsworth: I just told you! You've killed me!
- Bender: Bite my colossal metal ass!
- Fry: What if Bender was really giant?
- Leela: You idiot! We already saw that.
- Fry: I know. I liked it. I want to see it again.
- Professor Farnsworth: We are not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid!
- Fry: Um… What if I never fell into that freezer-doodle and came to the future-jiggy?
- Professor Farnsworth: That question is less stupid; though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
- [Fry has narrowly missed falling into to the cryonic tube and remains in 2000. Suddenly a wormhole of the Planet Express staff appears. Fry has never met them and does not know who they are. Zoidberg eyes the pizza of Fry's prank delivery]
- Fry: Are you I.C. Weiner?
- Zoidberg: If that's his pizza, then I'm I. C. whatever!
- Nichelle Nichols: Murder isn't working and that's all we're good at!
- Al Gore: You fool! You foolish fool!
- [After the Universe is destroyed, everyone floats around in a white void.]
- Fry: Where are we?
- Al Gore: I don't know. But I can darn sure tell you where we're not. The Universe!
- Nichelle Nichols: Eternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena Star Trek convention all over again!
- Gary Gygax: Anyone want to play Dungeons and Dragons for the next quadrillion years?
- Professor Farnsworth: That story was preposterous. Steven Hawking in a pizzeria. This thing isn't worth the gold it's made of.
- Mr. Panucci: There are only three real monsters. Dracula, Blackula, and the Son of Kong.
- Professor Farnsworth: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage..
- Soldier: Why is this godforsaken planet worth dying for?
- Zapp Brannigan: Don't ask me. You're the one who is going to be dying.
- Zapp Brannigan: Fry, I am demoting you. Kif, what's the most humiliating job?
- Kif: Being your assistant.
- Zapp Brannigan: Wrong! Being your assistant!
- Zapp Brannigan: Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.
- Richard Nixon's head: We are now in position over Spheron 6. This is the moment we have been training for all yesterday afternoon.
- Zapp Brannigan: Here lies the bravest soldier I've seen since my mirror got grease on it. I hereby order that in Bender's honor he be melted down and made into a statue of himself.
- Richard Nixon's head: Slow down there, Starsky! I'm up to something here. I want this robot fixed. Fixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election! Damn bean-eating war hero!
- Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
- Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?
- Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle.
- Zapp Brannigan: Leela! So it's you I've been attracted to! Oh God, I've never been so happy to be beaten up by a woman!
- Leela: Let's do it again sometime.
- Leela: Don't you recognize me?
- Fry: Hermes?
- Zapp Brannigan: (on the enemy.) We don't know anything about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this: they stand for everything we don't stand for. Plus they told me you guys look like dorks.
- Bender: They look like dorks!
- Zoidberg: (Operating on an injured soldier)Scalpel. Blood bucket. Priest, next.
- Doctor Robot: Jeez, Dr. Zoidberg, leave some for the enemy to kill.
- Robot Nurse: You be quiet, Dr. Zoidberg has twice the experience you do!
- Doctor Robot: Yeah, as a doctor, and a butcher.
- Bender: I can't keep running people over. I'm not famous enough to get away with it.
- Bender: And until then, I can't die?
- Fortune-Telling Robot: Who said that? Of course you can die! You want to die?!
- Bender: No! I want to live! There's still too many things I don't own!
- Uncle Vladimir: Come, Bender. You'll like being dead!
- Bender: That's what they said about being alive!
- Fry: Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've been drinking too much. Or too little. I forget how it works with you. Anyway, you haven't drunk exactly the right amount.
- Calculon: The year was 2019 and I was just a lowly robot arm working in an automotive research lab. I was working on Project Satan. A savage and intelligent military vehicle built from the most evil parts of the most evil cars in all the world. The steering wheel from Hitler's staff car. The left turn signal from Charles Manson's VW. The windshield wipers from that car that played Knight Rider.
- Fry: Knight Rider wasn't evil!
- Calculon: His windshield wipers were. It didn't come up much in the show though. Anyway, only after bringing Project Satan to life did they discover they made a horrible mistake. For you see…it was pure evil.
- Calculon: I was all of history's great robot actors - Acting Unit 0.8; Thespomat; David Duchovny!
- Fry: Words. Nothing but sweet, sweet words that turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
- Amy: Oh no! Someone you know must've died!
- Bender: I hope it was one of my enemies! Those guys suck.
- [A binairy number appears on the wall]
- Bender: 0101100101 [357 in decimal]
- Fry: What does that mean?
- Bender: Nothing, it's gibberish. [Sees the number in the mirror] 1010011010! [666 in decimal] Ahhhh! [Runs away]
- Fry: No-one even cared that I was gone!
- Michelle: Well, one person did.
- [Fry and Michelle hold hands for a moment.]
- Fry: Who was it?
- Fry: All right, all right, if it will make you happy, I will overthrow society.
- Michelle: It gave me a chance to think.
- Fry: I'm sorry.
- Fry: Things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive, but now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time.
- Fry: Michelle, I don't regret this, but I both rue and lament it.
- Leela: Monday Monkey lives for the weekend, sir.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Goodbye friends! I'll miss you! Good riddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the popular one!
- Professor Farnsworth: Yes, yes. Let's all talk to Zoidberg.
- Fry: I've had it with women. From now on I'm concentrating on my career. Can I have my old job back?
- Professor Farnsworth: Why, I've forgotten why I even fired you…
- Bender: Because he destroyed your business, your home and all your possessions.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh yes…get lost! (the Professor pulls a lever which opens a trap door under Fry's feet)
- Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was like to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.
Season 3
- Femputer: The Amazonians will be divided into three groups. The one called Zapp will be snu-snued by the large women. He that is designated Fry will be snu-snued by the petite women. And Kif, as the most attractive male, will be snu-snued by the most beautiful women of Amazonia. Then the large women. Then the petite women. Then the large women again.
- Fry: Goodbye, friends. I never thought I'd die like this. But I always really, really hoped.
- Bender: You can interface with my ass...By biting it! (Amy grabs Bender's arm, twists it behind his back and shouts in Cantonese) Alright, I'll go (repeats what Amy said in Cantonese).
- Zapp Brannigan: We need rest. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.
- Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm headed to the mens room and I'll be needing an attendant so- Oh I'm sorry you're crying, like a woman!
- Kif: [reading from Zap's book of chat-up lines] I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.
- Bender: Oh... Your... God!
- Sal: Hey, sexy mama, let's get busy and freaky in that order!
- Fry: Hey! How would you like it if Leela said you were sexy and she wanted to make love to you?
- Sal: Eh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty good for a truck stop chick!
- Fry: You take that back! She does not look good for a truck stop chick!
- Sal: Yeah, you're right. She don't gots enough meat for a guy like me.
- Fry: She does too! She's loaded with meat! She's got more meat than a cow!
- Lord Mayor of Colon: You've damaged your brain, universe! But no more than a week of binge drinking or five minutes on a cellphone!
- Professor Farnsworth: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society.
- Hermes: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body?
- Professor Farnsworth: Listen, this is gonna be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.
- Bender: Sorry you struck out, sausage link. If it's any consolation, my life is great! Babes! Bucks! I got it all!
- Fry: Well, at least I learned Leela's a lost cause. I give up.
- Bender: There you go! [yawns] Goodnight. I gotta get up early to go parasailing with movie stars!
- Fry: It's like a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up.
- Professor Farnsworth: Anyhoo, your net-suits will allow you to experience Fry's worm infested bowels as if you were actually wriggling through them.
- Dr. Zoidberg: There's no part of that sentence I didn't like!
- Hermes: If it keeps up at this rate he'll soon be as strong and flexible as Gumby and Hercules combined!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Gumbercules? I love that guy!
- Professor Farnsworth: If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep into the bowel that not even Hermes' famous Jerk Prunes could dislodge them!
- Hermes: I call it Caribbean Drano.
- Professer Farnsworth: The nerve is through here. Where's Zoidberg?
- [Zoidberg enters, riding a sperm like a horse]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Yippie-ki-yay! You'll never guess where I've been!
- Professor Farnsworth: I've only a few years to live. I don't want to spend them dead.
- Bender: [singing] I should give you all a beating but I really have to fly.
- Santa: [singing] If I weren't stuck here frozen I'd harpoon you in the eye.
- Bender: Isn't it true you that you have been paid for your testimony?
- Pramala: Yes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.
- Bender: And yet you haven't said what I told you to say! How can any of us trust you?
- Fry: I'm Santa Claus!
- Hermes: No, I'm Santa Claus!
- Amy: We're also Santa Claus!
- Dr. Zoidberg: And I'm his friend Jesus.
- Mayor: None of you are Santa Claus! How dare you lie in front of Jesus!
- Woman: This is it, kids! Quick! Take your suicide pills to lessen the pain!
- Mayor: My god! The real Santa! Get 'im, Jesus!
- Dr. Zoidberg: [running away] I help those who help themselves!
- Bender: Gee whiz, Santa. You want me to help you?
- Fry: [to Bender] Don't do it! He's evil!
- Santa: I know he is, but I have no choice.
- [Bender is being led past several other robots on his way to his execution.]
- Smitty: Deactivated robot walking! We've got a deactivated robot walking!
- Robot: When you see the Robot Devil, tell him I'm coming!
- [Bender walks past the next cell, which contains the Robot Devil.]
- Bender: Hey, that guy told me to tell you—
- Robot Devil: I heard him!
- Racetrack PA announcer: And the winner is number three, in a quantum finish.
- Professor Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!
- Fry: That clover helped my rat-fink brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there!
- Leela: You went there this morning for donuts.
- Bender: There! Now no one can say I don't own John Larroquette's spine!
- Fry: Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck?
- [Leela sighs and kisses him on the cheek.]
- Fry: I meant tongue luck.
- Fry: Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing.
- Bender: I'll get my kit!
- Fry: It's all lies, every word of it. He wasn't original, he wasn't a martian, he wasn't Philip Fry, and since when is he a "the"?
- Bender: You're twice the "the" he ever was.
- Yancy Fry, Sr.: Yancy, I'd like you to met your new brother, Philip.
- Yancy Fry, Jr.: I wanna be called Philip! Me Philip! Me Philip!
- Yancy Fry, Sr.: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me and my grandfather and so on: all the way back to Minuteman Yancy Fry—who blasted Commies during the American Revolution.
- Yancy Fry, Jr.: Thanks for lending me your tux for the wedding dad.
- Yancy Fry, Sr.: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style.
- [in a flashback to the 21st century]
- Yancy's wife: So, had any ideas for names, Yancy?
- Yancy Fry, Jr.: I'm sort of thinking of one. [to his son] Daddy has a present for you today, do you know what it is? It's a lucky clover that can help you be successful whatever you do, even break-dancing! And it once belonged to someone very special.
- Yancy's wife: I know what name you want to give him, Yancy. It's okay.
- Yancy Fry, Jr.: Really? Son, I'm naming you Philip J. Fry, in honor of my little brother who I miss everyday. I love you, Philip, and I always will.
- Fry: [tearfully reading the inscription on his nephew's tomb] "Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle to carry on his spirit."
- Leela: [to Bender] That aerosal head spray makes your antenna smell nice...
- Bender: Thank you.
- Leela: ...but it's doing long-term damage to the planet.
- Bender: So? It's not like it's the only one we've got.
- Professor Farnsworth: Being captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job.
- Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.
- Fry: No fair! Leela was training me to be captain. She even let me sit in her lap and steer [pulls out a piece of paper] in this comic I drew.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh, the new one is out!
- Fry: What's happening?
- Dr. Zoidberg: All 6,000 hulls have been breached!
- Fry: Oh, the fools! If only they'd built it with 6,001 hulls! When will they learn?
- Hyperchicken: Son, as your lawyer, I declare y'all are in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble. But I done struck you a deal: Five hours of community service cleanin' up that ol' mess you caused.
- Bender: Five hours? Aw, man! Couldn't you just got me the death penalty?
- Bender: I don't know why but when I look down at their little faces, it makes me wanna puke! In a good way!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Captain, I don't think we're on Pluto anymore. In fact, we may have left space as we know it!
- Fry: Then where are we? You told me you could navigate!
- Dr. Zoidberg: [crying] Stop yelling at me!
- Professor Farnsworth: Perhaps it's your outlook that needs a good bend, a ninety degree bend to a place where happiness is perpendicular to wonderment.
- Professor Farnsworth: Those delightful birds with their chirp chirp chirp and their tweet tweet splat.
- Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?
- [The crew has discovered that some of their belongings have been bent.]
- Hermes: Sweet lamprey of Sante Fe! My edge has been bent!
- Amy: My javelin too! It's ruined! Now we'll never beat Jupiter State!
- Zoidberg: My slinky! My cuddly little pet slinky!
- Bender: Sorry I'm not your lover boy Flexo, whom you love so much. You love any one even pretending to be him!
- Angleyne: Maybe I love you so much I love you no matter who you are pretending to be.
- Bender: Oh how I wish I could believe or understand that!
- Donbot: That wad of scab money should be slushin' my funds and kickin' my back.
- Joey Mousepad: He's flashing his cash loaf again.
- Donbot: How many times is that? Two or three?
- Clamps: Three.
- Donbot: All right. That's the necessary number of times. That scab is gonna have a little 'on the job accident'.
- Joey Mousepad: With all due respect Don-Bot, I don't think we should rely on an accident happening. Let's kill him ourselves.
- [Donbot sighs frustratedly.]
- Professor Farnsworth: My new bent outlook has completely re-energized me. I'm even dating a young Brazilian retired actress.
- Fry: Alright!
- Farnsworth: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
- Bender: You call yourself divorced?! You're making a mockery of one of our most honored institutions!
- Nibblonian: They travel from world to world making everyone stupid in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.
- Leela: Wipe out all thought? My God, they're like flying televisions.
- Pet Show Judge: And the grand prize winner: [speaks in monotone voice] The Hypnotoad.
- [The Hypnotoad is hypnotizing the judges and the audience]
- Pet Show Judge: All glory to the Hypnotoad!
- Giant Brain Spawn: Foolish human race! Organizing your knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb. Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands!
- Morbo: Morbo can't understand his teleprompter because he forgot how you say that letter that's shaped like a man wearing a hat.
- Linda: It's a 'T'. It goes 'tuh'.
- Morbo: Hello, little man. I will destroy you!
- Female Nibblonian: The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence by attacking the delta brain wave. Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave, as do certain trees.
- Nibbler: Fry, however, does not.
- Female Nibblonian: Somehow he has cobbled together a random assortment of other brain waves into a working mind.
- Leela: Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants!
- Nibblonian: Yes, like your prom dress.
- Leela: You go fight biggest brain of all.
- Fry: Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where is it?
- Leela: I'ono.
- Fry: Hmm. A giant brain is basically a giant nerd. And where would a giant nerd be? [gasps] The libary!
- Fiona: Nibblonians to Nibble stations. Prepare Cuddlebug for deployment in 40 nibblets.
- Nibbler: Sometimes I fear we are cute.
- Fiona: Oh, nigglesnush.
- Fry: Now he's trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.
- Giant Brain Spawn: The Big Brain am winning again! I am the greetest! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!
- Humorbot 5.0: So I says, "Supercollider? I just met her." And then they built the supercollider.
- Professor Farnsworth: I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone.
- Calculon: I'm programmed to be very busy.
- Calculon: I just pray they like me half as much as I do.
- Calculon: I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this!
- Bender: Calculon is gonna kill us and it's all everybody else's fault!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Well, editing is a long and expensive process, but we spent all the money on pies, so…it'll be ready Friday.
- Calculon: Nay, I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.
- [Bender has just adopted some orphans.]
- Bender: Kids, meet uncle Fry!
- Fry: Hey, why are all those kids following you around? D'you have candy stuck to your ass?
- Fry: But you're better than normal: you're abnormal.
- Leela: Oh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time today. No one's stared at me, or avoided staring at me, or tried to burn me. You make me feel so not weird.
- Adlai: Leela, you're nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine in a million.
- Fry: What's so wonderful about Leela being normal? The rest of us aren't normal and that's what makes us great. Like Dr. Zoidberg: he's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage and does.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Damn right!
- Fry: And the Professor's a senile, amoral crackpot. [Farnsworth blubbers and waves] Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.
- Hermes: Tally me banana!
- Fry: Amy's a klutz from Mars.
- Amy: [drops her glass] Sploops!
- Professor Farnsworth: And, Fry, you've got that brain thing.
- Fry: I already did! So, Leela, do you wanna be like us? Or do you wanna be like Adlai with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?
- Leela: That's the dumbest question I ever heard!
- Leela: Now take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was! Right now!
- Adlai: Why should I do that?
- [Leela shoves Adlai against the wall and grabs his collar.]
- Leela: Listen, buddy. By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye!
- Leela: What are their names?
- Bender: Kids have names?
- Orphan: My name is Nina, this is Albert-
- Bender: -And from now on you're all named Bender Jr.
- Orphan: Daddy Bender, we're hungry.
- Bender: What's with you kids? Every few days it's food, food, food. [pause] Alright, I'll get you some stupid food.
- Orphan: Can we have Bender Burgers again?
- Bender: No. The cat shelter's on to me!
- Amy: Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!
- Zapp Brannigan: I am the man with no name… Zapp Brannigan, at your service.
- Martian Chief: I am "Singing Wind" chief of the Martians.
- Zapp Brannigan: Take me to your leader.
- Martian Chief: …moving along…
- Professor Farnsworth: It sounds dangerous, someone could get killed. Fry, Leela, Bender; I want you to go with them.
- Professor Farnsworth: This mission is incredibly dangerous. Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela, Bender—
- Bender: Damn you, old man!
- Amy: My name's Amy Wong. And you are?
- Martian Chief: Mad at Wong family!
- Zapp Brannigan: (referring to Amy, who is standing right next to him) How do we even know she's alive?
- Amy Wong: I'm fine.
- Zapp Brannigan: Shh! You're weakening our bargaining position!
- Zapp Brannigan: Chief, my people are people of law. And that law is (pulls a gun) no backsies!
- Martian Chief: The time for stupid statements is over.
- [The crew is sitting around a campfire and Bender is at the end of telling his scary story.]
- Bender: ...and even though the computer was off and unplugged, an image stayed on the screen... it was... THE WINDOWS LOGO!
- Fry: Pssh! That's not scary.
- Bender: It is if you're a laser printer.
- [The Planet Express staff visit Fry and Bender in The Institute for Criminally Insane Robots.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Don't worry, Fry, I too once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum ... but now it's nearly over.
- [Farnsworth leaves.]
- Leela: We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned.
- Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.
- Bender: Je suis Napoleon! No seriously, I'm not.
- Amy: Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.
- Bender: Ah, lighten up honey. I'm just trying to get through a difficult time using humor.
- [Fry and Bender are encased in a cardboard box, which is being rolled out of the courtroom.]
- Fry: Ow my head! Ow my feet! Ow my head! Ow my feet!
- Professor Farnsworth: Keep your chin up.
- Fry: Ow my chin!
- Amy: Aww, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.
- Hermes: Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered by the health plan!
- Roberto: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. If you guess it, you die first!
- Bender: Ahm... fifty-six...-ish?
- Roberto: Fifty-six?! Fifty-six?! Aw man! know that's all I can think about! You're dead!
- Bender: Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come down with Stockholm Syndrome…handsome.
- Fry: These robots don't believe that I'm human. How do I convince them?
- Bender: You can try dropping dead, that'll show them.
- Fry: I don't wanna!
- Bender: I guess if you want children beaten, you have to do it yourself.
- Cubert: Hey, Leela, help me apply these flame decals I got in my cereal. They'll make the ship go faster.
- Leela: And what's your scientific basis for thinking that?
- Cubert: I'm twelve.
- Leela: If you were my kids you'd get quite a talking to…from your father…when he got home from the Senate.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, brother. What have they done now?
- Bender: Those pork dumplings sent us on a fake pizza delivery!
- Fry: The address was on Dogdoo 8 but the universe ends right after Dogdoo 7!
- Hermes: Child mon, is this true?
- Dwight: Yeah, but why are you mad at us? Your dummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously fake mission!
- Cubert: [pointing at Bender] Plus, they're making bootleg beer inside company property!
- Bender: Lies! Lies and slander!
- Professor Farnsworth: Accusing gentle Bender of a misdeed? Now you've gone too far!
- Dwight: Can I use the gun?
- Hermes: What kind of a father would I be if I said no?
- Professor Farnsworth: Good thing I had this net installed to catch giraffes.
- Dwight: I heard alcohol makes you stupid.
- Fry: No I'm....doesn't.
- Leela: Actually, Dwight, you're right. Alcohol is very, very bad. For children. But once you turn twenty-one, it becomes very, very good!
- Professor Farnsworth: He's come to finish the job! Someone throw me out the window!
- Bender: (Singing) Froggie went a courtin', he did ride. Uh-huh, Uh-huh. Little Froggie went a courtin', he did ride. Bla, Bla, Bla, something Bender is great. Froggie went a courtin', Bender is great. Uh-huh.
- Amy: Oh, no! My beautiful money!
- Dr. Zoidberg: It's toe-tappingly tragic!
- Bender: I was a hero to broken robots, because I was one of them! But how can I sing about being damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina Aguilera singing in Spanish. Wait, that's it - I'll fake it!
- Bender: So can I keep the money?
- Art Garfunkel's Descendant: Over my dead career.
- Hermes: Way to go Bender. You got mutilated and now you're going to be a Folk singer. Both our dreams came true!
- Beck: Now Bender, you can write songs about how you feel. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut I was feeling - what's that song about?
- Bender: Yeah! But I won't use any fake words like Odelay!
- Beck: Odelay is a word! Just look it up in the Becktionary.
- Bender: (singing) Fry cracked corn, and I don't care, Leela cracked corn, and I don't care, Bender cracked corn and he is great, take that you stupid corn.
- Fry: Drugs are for losers, and hypnosis is for losers with big weird eyebrows.
- [Representatives from the Globetrotter planet challenge Earth to a basketball game.]
- Fry: What happens if we lose?
- Bubblegum Tate: Nothing! There's nothing at stake, and no threat. Beyond the shame of defeat.
- Marv Albert: This is a dark day for Humanity, folks. We have been beaten...in basketball.
- [A temporal distortion has caused Fry to lose the basketball game.]
- Leela: Now all the planets are going to start cracking wise about our mothers.
- Hermes Conrad: [tearfully] I'm just glad my fat ugly momma isn't alive to see this.
- Professor Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes!
- Fry: Ooh, professor! Pick me! I wanna show Leela my skills!
- Professor Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?
- Professor Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's in Farnsworth's court!
- [Farnsworth presses a button, revealing an arsenal of doomsday weapons.]
- Professor Farnsworth: I suppose I could part with one and still be feared…
- Bender: My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless.
- Professor Farnsworth: By Tuesday it'll be Thursday. By Wednesday, it'll be August. And by Thursday, it'll be the end of existence as we know it!
- Fry: I still don't know what I did to make Leela love me.
- Hermes: Maybe you're just a fantastic lover, Fry.
- Amy: Um, no.
- Bubblegum Tate: Most uncool!
- Narrator: You are entering the realm which is unusual. Maybe it's magic or contains some kind of monster. The second one. Prepare to enter... The Scary Door. Please send a man 'round back and pick up Clyde Smith, a professional gambler who's about to have an unfortunate accident.
- Sebastian Cabot: Why should I believe you? You're Hitler!
- Fry: For one brief moment, I felt the heartbeat of creation, and it was one with my own.
- Amy: Big deal.
- Bender: We all feel like that all the time.
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh dear! She's stuck in an infinite loop, and he's an idiot! Well, that's love for you.
- Sal: So it's always been your dreams to destroy a planet?
- Fry: Yeah, what have they ever done for me!
- Lucy Liu: Let's hide in here. It'll add to my box office gross.
- Bender: Humans dating robots is sick. You people wonder why I'm still single? It's 'cause all the fine robot sisters are dating humans!
- Leela: Bender, this is Fry's decision…and he made it wrong. So it's time for us to interfere in his life.
- Lucy Liu: Mister Mayor, if you want to find out who the real vampire is, look in a mirror.
- Mayor: I can't! I'm a vampire!
- Fry: My only other dreams are to be invisible in a chocolate factory and to date a celebrity.
- Bender: I can hit you over the head until you think that's what happened.
- Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?
- Bender: Hey, you add a one and 2 zeros to that or we walk!
- Leela: How much did you make me?
- Bender: One hundred dollars.
- Leela: Strike one! A personal best!
- Bob Uecker: Welcome to Fenway Park, home of the Boston Poindexters, where the Mets close out a season that will rank among mankind's most awful crimes.
- [Leela is signing autographs.]
- Leela: Who am I making this out to?
- Girl: Ummm…to eBay?
- Leela: That's a popular name today. Little "e", big "B"?
- Coach: You've been training with the Hank Aaron?
- Leela: I've been training with a Hank Aaron.
- Fry: Incredible! This place is just like the ancient Egypt of my day.
- Slave Driver: That is no coincidence, for our people visited your Egypt thousands of years ago.
- Fry: I knew it! Insane theories, one; regular theories, a billion.
- Slave Driver: We learned many things from the mighty Egyptians, such as pyramid-building, space travel and how to prepare our dead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.
- Fry: Also Wolfman.
- High Priest: Great wall of prophecy, reveal to us God's will, that we may blindly obey!
- Other Priests: Free us from thought and responsibility.
- High Priest of Osiris IV: We shall read things off you!
- Other Priests: Then do them.
- High Priest of Osiris IV: Your words guide us!
- Other priests: We're dumb.
- Random Slave: Pharaoh Bender! He once more walks among the living!
- Bender: How we doin'?
- Leela: Bender, we're trying our best.
- Bender: Your best is an idiot!
- Bender: I hope you're all happy. You've succeeded in showing me life is worth living—by showing me how bad my funeral will suck!
- Fry: All right…it's Saturday night. I have no date, a two liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape. Let's rock!
[after successful transforming Bender into a human, he starts throwing up]
- Zoidberg: Horray! it's just like Mardi Gras!
- Professor: [after successful transforming Bender into a human] It worked! Eat it, everyone who's never won a Nobel's Prize! And that includes you, Amy!
- Bender: Now, you say you're off to see the professor? 'Cause I could use a heart. A human heart. I need to pump a lot of blood out of my basement.
- [Zoidberg pulls up in a cab]
- Dr. Zoidberg: And I'm the other guy. Courage, not enough of it. Need some from what's-his-name.
- Fry: I know that monkey, his name's Donkey.
- Professor: Monkeys aren't donkeys! Quit messing with my head!
- Professor Farnsworth: After all, who needs courage when you have…a gun!
- Fry: Leela, are you alright? You got wanged on the head.
- Leela: I was having the most wonderful dream. Except you were there, and you were there, and you were there!
- Leela: Why did you bring us here?
- Dr. Zoidberg: And why did I have to take a cab?
- Leela: There's no place like—I want to be a witch!
- Fry: I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky.
- Bender's head: That's no flying saucer! That's my ass!
- Professor Farnsworth: For example, if you killed your grandfather, you'd cease to exist!
- Fry: But existing is basically all I do!
- Fry: We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
- President Truman: Take this to Area 51.
- Soldier: But sir, that's where we're building the fake moon landing set.
- President Truman: Then we'll have to REALLY land on the Moon! Invent NASA and tell them to get off their fannies!
- President Truman: Why have you come here? Are you planning on making some alien-human hybrid?
- Dr. Zoidberg: Are you coming on to me?!
- President Truman: Hot crackers! I take exception to that!
- Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not hearing a 'no'...
- Professor Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality!
- Bender's head: 1947 can bite my shiny, metal—
- (Their spaceship hits a bump and Bender's head falls out, down to the earth)
- Bender's head: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssss!
- Professor Farnsworth: [Fry has chastised the professor about changing history, after he has slept with his grandmother and become his own grandfather.]Ooh, a lesson in not changing history from Mister "I'm-My-Own-Grandpa"! Let's get the hell out of here already! Screw history!
- Dr. Zoidberg: The president is gagging on my gas bladder! What an honor!
- Bender: Oh cruel fate, to be thusly boned. Ask not for whom the bone bones, it bones for thee.
- Bender: You know, I was God once.
- God: Yes, I saw. You were doing well until everyone died.
- God: Bender, being God isn't easy. If you do too much, people get dependent on you, and if you do nothing, they lose hope. You have to use a light touch. Like a safecracker, or a pickpocket.
- Bender: Or a guy who burns down a bar for the insurance money!
- God: Yes, if you make it look like an electrical thing. When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
- Bender: I'll vote it down like a raise for schoolteachers!
- That Guy: What would you say if I said, "I'm worried about blank"?
- Fry: Don't you worry about blank, let me worry about blank.
- That Guy: Good. I would have also accepted "Blank? Blank?! You're not looking at the big picture!"
- Leela: Fry, we're worried about Planet Express.
- Fry: Don't you worry about Planet Express, let me worry about blank.
- Fry: Ooh! A Bot-mitzvah. Shalom hunger. Shalom free food.
- Jewish Robot 1: No shellfish. (slams door on Zoidberg)
- Zoidberg: (downhearted) Aw. that is so unfair.
- Pig: (oinks once) Tell me about it.
- Fry: So, what's the deal? You guys don't believe in robot Jesus?
- Jewish Robot 2: We believe he was built and that he was a very well programmed robot, but he wasn't our Messiah.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh no! I traded all of my stock for a sandwich! Unless it has also risen in value [Pulls out rotting sandwich] oh please, oh please.
- Hermes: You didn't even refrigerate it you spineless lobster.
- Dr. Zoidberg: You had to drag spines into this?!
- Bender: Fry! Quit doing the right thing, you jerk!
- Leela: Let Mom buy the company. We all want to be filthy stinking rich.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Trust me. Two out of three doesn't cut it.
- Dr. Zoidberg: A-ha! Once again the sandwich-heavy portfolio pays off for the hungry investor! [Eats his sandwich] Oh no! I'm ruined!
- Fry: (at ape fight) Ha-ha, yeah! Hit 'em, hit 'em, hit 'em. Now this is the life: watching apes mangle each other near celebrities.
- That Guy: In my day we went to coke parties, but the principle's the same.
- [Dr. Zoidberg has broken one of the professor's bottles.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Oh no! The professor will hit me! But if Zoidberg fixes the bottle…then perhaps gifts!
- Elzar: No, I'm not teaching you to become a chef.
- Bender: But I watch your show, you owe me.
- [Dr. Zoidberg runs up to the stage of the full-packed, worldwide-televised Iron Cook stadium.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Wait! Everyone must know! I broke the Professor's bottled ship, and what is worse, I framed my dearest friend: Fry.
- [Dr. Zoidberg begins to sob.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: I can never repay him his ten dollars, so I must take the only honorable path, what with the killing myself.
- [Zoidberg steals a sword from the presenter, Chairman Koji, and rips open his clothes with his claw.]
- Dr. Zoidberg: Here I go already, with the killing of myself!
- [Zoidberg stabs himself with sword, but it only buckles on his shell.]
- Chairman Koji (with thick Japanese accent): Aaah! That sword cost five thousand dorrars!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Fry did it!
- [Zoidberg flees, whooping.]
- Chairman Koji: [to Bender] Domo arigatou, Mr Roboto.
- [The Professor puts the "Essence of pure flavor" in a chemical analyzer.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water, laced with only a few spoonfuls of LSD.
- Hiroki: Aki, what's Elzar making?
- Aki: Well Hiroki-san, when I asked him, he asked what business it was of mine and conjectured that my mother was a prostitute.
- Martha Stewart: In the English countryside, many prostitutes decorate their rooms with festive gourds.
- Bender: I decline the title of Iron Chef and accept the lesser title of Zinc Saucier, which I just made up, it also comes with double prize money.
Season 4
- [Amy and Kif are in the Holo-shed. A pony gallops by.]
- Amy: Spirit! Kif, that's the pony I always wanted but my parents said I had too many ponies already.
- Kif: Yes, I programmed it in for you. Four million lines of BASIC!
- Attila the Hun: Stop! Don't shoot fire stick in space canoe! Cause explosive decompression!
- Zapp Brannigan: Spare me your space age technobabble, Attila the Hun!
- Amy: You trashed my party board?
- Mrs. Wong: Damn right! Now you're a mom, the only surfing you do is under a big wave of responsibility!
- Kif: The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again! The characters have become real!
- Zapp Brannigan: Damn! The last time that happened, I got slapped with three paternity suits!
- Kif: Amy! Is it you or have I gone crazy with loneliness?
- Bender: Both!
- Midwife: I will now take my leave of you. I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere, but you don't have to talk to me anymore!
- Fry: Check it out, y'all. Everyone who was invited is here.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Also Zoidberg.
- [In the castle, evil holograms begin to come to life.]
- Amy: Look, it's Spirit!
- [Spirit, ridden by Attila the Hun, breathes fire]
- Kif Kroker: And that's Professor Moriarty!…Jack the Ripper!…evil Lincoln!
- Professor Moriarty: Right-ho, gents, it's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem, standard procedure.
- Evil Lincoln: Real holographic-simulated Evil Lincoln is back!
- Fry: I didn't ask for a completely reasonable excuse! I asked you to get busy!
- Leela: I usually try to keep my sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness.
- Fry: Yeah, I do that with my stupidness.
- Hermes: It looks like toxic waste. And it smells like toxic waste!
- Fry: What does it taste like?
- Hermes: Delicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good. But, a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.
- Fry: Leela, freak out later. We're not done escaping yet!
- Mutant: He ruined my wedding dress.
- Bender: Honey, that dress was ruined the minute it went on you. That's what I'm talking about.
- Fry: Isn't that the machine that makes noses?
- Professor Farnsworth: It can do other things, why shouldn't it!
- Professor: You all remember Leela's orphanage, right?
- Fry: Yeah, we talk about it all the time.
- Leela: Really?
- Fry: Nope. Burn! [high fives Bender]
- Professor: Well done fellows.
- Planet Express Ship: Oh honey, look! The Tapirs! It says here that the babies lose their pyjama-like coat after their first year. Isn't that interesting, honey?
- Bender: Yup. Mind-numbingly interesting.
- Dummy #1: Is heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've got nice cans!
- Dummy #2: My two favorite things are commitment and changing myself.
- Leela: Does that dummy have a brother?
- [Lrrr and Ndnd are watching Friends on TV.]
- Lrrr: This is ancient Earth's most foolish program. Why does Ross, the largest friend, not simply eat the other five?
- Ndnd: Perhaps they are saving that for sweeps.
- Professor Farnsworth: With that big new Romanticorp contract, I've been able to make those government-mandated upgrades you've all been suing me about.
- Leela: Doesn't it bother you even a little that you're taking advantage of your girlfriend's trust?
- Bender: [laughing] Oh, wait, you're serious. Let me laugh even harder.
- Ndnd: [reading a candy heart] What is this emotion you call 'wuv'?
- Lrrr: Surely it says 'love'!
- Ndnd: No, 'wuv'! With an earth W! Behold!
- Lrrr: This concept of "wuv" confuses and infuriates us!
- Planet Express Ship: Bender! I saw you with those two...ladies of the evening! Explain that!
- Bender: Okay, I like a challenge.
- Planet Express Ship: You're just jealous. No one loves you because you're tiny and made of meat.
- Professor Farnsworth: Good news, anyone! The Swedish robot from π-kea is here with the supercollider I ordered!
- π-kea Robot: Enjoy your affordable Swedish crap.
- Leela: I feel like I just went ten rounds with Mighty Thor.
- Fry: I feel like I was mauled by Jesus.
- Fry: Wow! A superpowers drug you can just rub onto your skin? You'd think it would be something you'd have to freebase.
- [Fry and Leela discovered a cream that can cause super-powers, and are seeing which ones they have.]
- Leela: Super strength?
- [Both smash heavy objects]
- Fry: Yep.
- Leela: Lickity speed?
- [Both race across the room instantaneously]
- Fry: Check.
- Leela: Ability to command the loyalty of sea creatures?
- Fry: Hey, Zoidberg, get in here!
- Dr. Zoidberg: Screw you!
- Leela: Ain't got that.
- Fry: Nope.
- Leela: Listen up, New New York! There's a new group of superheroes in town, and we're gonna…
- Hattie McDougal: Quiet! It's 4 AM and I just fell asleep for the first time in thirty years!
- Leela: Sorry! [whispering] And a new era of justice has begun.
- Hattie McDougal: What!?
- Leela: Oh, I completely forgot! I left my apartment on fire!
- Teddy Roosevelt's Head: A man boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar spectacle. But a kangaroo boxing a robot? Now I'm afraid you've lost me!
- Nixon's Head: My fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much freedom, it's almost sickening. We're free to choose which hand our sex-monitoring chip is implanted in, and if we don't want to pay our taxes, why, we're free to spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.
- Pain Monster: [cheerfully] See ya April 15th, folks!
- Nixon's Head: In our darkest hour, we can stand erect, with proud upthrust bosoms.
- Fry: Anyone who laughs is a communist!
- Old Man Waterfall: Son, to me, a robot's just a garbage can with sparks coming out of it.
- Bender: [sadly] The sparks keep me warm.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Ambassador Mervin, you killed my lawyer!
- Ambassador Mervin: You're welcome.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Do you think that maybe all this oppression is schmutzing up our freedom lesson?
- Ambassador Mervin: Ah, take a pill, Zoidberg!
- Dr. Zoidberg: That's why I love Earth. You can do what you want, and no one makes you feel guilty because no one cares.
- Fry: We're not listening!
- Dr. Zoidberg: That's what I'm talking about!
- Fry: Hey, wait, I'm having one of those things…you know, a headache with pictures.
- Leela: An idea?
- Fry: Mmm! Mmm hmm!
- Zapp Brannigan: Remember, men, take him alive so there's something left to kill.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Aha! Now the rubber band is on the other claw!
- Bender: [Auditioning for All My Circuits in a horrible Hispanic accent] I will see adios, Ped-ree. Come Jesus, my faithful, chee-hua-hua. Tonight we eat, goo-ack-a-mole by de' el ree-oh!
- Calculon: That was so terrible, I think you gave me cancer!
- Calculon: I've seen better acting from extras in Godzilla movies.
- Network President: "Bite my shiny metal ass" could be a catchphrase.
- Woman: Have you ever been on TV before?
- Bender: Once, when I took those hostages.
- Calculon: I saw that, you were good.
- Professor Farnsworth: I'll be the judge of who's 'cool'... with my Cool-ometer!
- [Prof Farnsworth scans Hubert and Dwight.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Good Lord! I'm getting a reading of over 50 Mega-Fonzies!
- Leela: Kids don't turn rotten just from watching TV.
- Fry: Yeah. Give a little credit to our public schools.
- Bender: Have you ever tried simply turning off the tv, sitting down with your children and hitting them?
- Bender: Bender must be stopped. I've gone too far. Who does that guy think I am?
- Bender: This angry mob's with me.
- Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious.
- Fry: Bender, this has nothing to do with you!
- Bender: That's impossible!
- Fry: You can see how I lived before I met you.
- Bender: You lived before you met me?!
- Fry: Yeah, lots of people did.
- Bender: Really?!
- Bender: Are you on the jump, Fry? Why are you wasting time on a creature of inferior intelligence?
- Fry: Hey, he was smart! He could fetch...
- Bender: I can fetch!
- [Runs out of the room and returns shortly with a Moai statue]
- Fry: He could dig up bones.
- Bender: Hello? Charlemagne?
- [Opens chest compartment to reveal Charlemagne's skeletal remains]
- Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the ancient Greeks, but in the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog, and occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty.
- [Bender announces he is going to dive into lava to retrieve Fry's fossilized dog.]
- Professor Farnsworth: I am a professor; why isn't anyone listening to me? You can't go in because you'll melt!
- [After Fry discovers Seymour lived twelve years after he was frozen, Fry destroys the cloning machine]
- Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
- Fry: Think about it. Seymour lived a full life after I was gone. He probably added new songs to his repertoire.
- Bender: But that's a good thing! "Walking on Sunshine" sucks noodles!
- Fry: I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him. I'll never forget him, but he forgot me a long, long time ago. [kisses Seymour's head and leaves]
- [The scene changes to January 2000, with the song "I Will Wait for You" by Connie Francis as the background music. The scene shows Seymour waiting faithfully on the sidewalk outside Panucci's for Fry throughout the seasons.]
- Scientist: I've got a degree in homeopathic medicine!
- Civil Defense Van: You've got a degree in baloney!
- Fry: Man it's hot! How hot is it? It's so hot, I poured McDonald's coffee in my lap to cool off! Heh heh...Johnny Carson said it.
- Fry: Wow. That ice dispenser's so big, the ice crushes YOU! Heh heh... Yakov Smirnoff said it.
- Leela: No he didn't.
- [Halley's comet is out of ice, leaving no way to stop global warming]
- Fry: My God! It's out of ice! Like some outer space Motel 6!
- Leela: [gasps] Completely out of ice?!
- Bender: This could mean the end of the banana daquiri as we know it! [pause] Also life.
- Morbo: Morbo wishes these stalwart nomads peace among the Dutch tulips.
- Linda: I'm sure those windmills will keep them cool.
- Morbo: WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!
- Announcer: Thank you all for coming. It is my pleasure to introduce the host of the Kyoto Global Warming Conventions, the Inventor of the Environment, and first Emperor of the Moon, Al Gore!
- Al Gore: I have ridden the mighty moon worm!
- Fry: Good for him.
- Al Gore: My fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance, and the much more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of Earth, we need to defend our planet against pollution. As well as dark wizards.
- Dark Wizard: Sure, blame the wizards!
- Bender: Fry, as you know, there are lots of things I'm willing to kill for…jewels, vengeance, Father O'Mallee's weed-whacker. But at long last I've found something I'm willing to die for…this mindless turtle.
- Fry: Bender, this world isn't good enough for you.
- Bender: Not even close. Goodbye everybody! Don't touch my stuff after I'm dead…it's booby-trapped!
- Young Professor Farnsworth: We still have one problem though: This robot will never meet emission standards.
- Mom: Crap spackle! We'll just call it a sport utility robot and classify it as a light truck.
- Fry: Professor. You're a professor. You must have some ideas.
- Professor Farnsworth: Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've got nothing to hide!
- Al Gore: Our next speaker is Professor...
- Professor Farnsworth: I demand the floor!
- Al Gore: Yes, it's your turn to speak.
- Professor Farnsworth: Well nuts to me! I'm taking the stage.
- Bender: When I grow up, I want to be a steam shovel!
- Professor Farnsworth: The Fountain Of Aging? Hmm, it is just a legend. Still, they called the Tooth Fairy a legend and now he's head of the FBI.
- Professor Farnsworth: I've got to find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly, I'm going to the bathroom like clockwork, every three hours. And those jerks at Social Security stopped sending me checks. Now I have to pay them!
- Bender: Much like everything else in life, pumping is just a primitive, degenerate form of bending.
- Heather: Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.
- Professor Farnsworth: You sound just like my tennis instructor.
- Leela: Oh, Lord! Teeth do not belong in your pants, professor.
- Professor Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth, they're nuclear-powered!
- Leela: [after the Professor's nuclear-powered teeth bite Fry's hand] They've tasted human blood! [the teeth begin to attack]
- Professor Farnsworth: With my last breath…I curse Zoidberg!
- Pazuzu: And that, little one, is how papa got his freedom. Now bonne nuit; bonne nuit to you all!
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I don't have time for this. I have to go and buy a single piece of fruit with a coupon and then return it, making people wait behind me while I complain.
- Fry: He still sounds sorta old. Sorta real old.
- Male Nibblonian: Does he not know?
- Nibbler: He does not know.
- Female Nibblonian: He knows not?
- Nibbler: Knows not does he.
- Nibblonian: Not he knows?
- Male Nibblonian: Enough! Fry, it is my duty to inform you that the fate of humanity, the fate of our race, indeed the fate of all that exists and all that will exist rests with you. You are the single most important person in the universe.
- Fry: Oh snap!
- Fry: I did do the nasty in the past-y.
- Nibblonian: Verily! And that past nastification is what shields you from the brains. You are the last hope of the universe.
- Fry: So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct?
- Nibbloninan: Yes, except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't rock.
- Brain: [referring to Fry] Detecting trace amounts of mental activity. Possibly a dead weasel or a cartoon viewer.
- Fry: Hey, wait! This thing knows everything, right?
- Male Nibblonian: Yes, which is why you're supposed to be setting off a bomb!
- Fry: Wait, I can't miss this opportunity to learn the answers to some of the bigger questions. Umm, is it true that postage stamp glue is made of—
- Giant Brain: Correct! Toad mucus.
- Male Nibblonian: There's no time for this! Activate the bomb!
- Fry: Okay, just one more. Ummm, what really killed the dinosaurs?
- Giant Brain: Me!
- [Fry has just found out that it was Nibbler who cryogenically froze him, for the greater good.]
- Nibbler: What's one life weighed against an entire universe?
- Fry: [Tears in eyes] But it was my life!
- Fry: But I know you in the future. I cleaned your poop.
- Nibbler: Quite possible. We live long and are celebrated poopers.
- Fry: Ah, Brains!
- Male Nibblonian: Fear not mighty one. Your missing brain wave makes you invisible to them, so long as you avoid intense thinking.
- Fry: Sorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.
- Male Nibblonian: That is most wise.
- Fry: Who?
- Bender: Uh, can people who hate Star Trek leave?
- Walter Koenig: Good question!
- Melllvar: No, you have to stay even longer.
- Bender and Koenig: D'oh!
- William Shatner: We're just pawns in his diabolical game of checkers!
- George Takei: With pleasure. You see, the show was banned after the Star Trek wars.
- Zapp Brannigan: You mean after the vast migration of Star Wars fans?
- Nichelle Nichols: No, that was the Star Wars trek.
- Walter Koenig: And when we woke up, we had these bodies.
- Fry: Say it in Russian!
- Walter Koenig: [sighs] Ven ve voke up, ve had these wodies.
- Fry: [delighted] Eeeeee! Now say "nuclear wessels"!
- Walter Koenig: No!
- Melllvar: [getting autographs from the cast] Could you make it out to Melllvar? Melllvar has three L's.
- George Takei: I think I've been to enough conventions to know how to spell Melllvar.
- Leonard Nemoy: Melllvar, you have to respect your actors. When I directed Star Trek IV, I got a magnificent performance out of Bill because I respected him so much.
- William Shatner: And when I directed Star Trek V, I got a magnificent performance out of me because I respected me so much.
- Fry: All this time, we thought he was a powerful super-being. Yet, he was just a child.
- Melllvar's Mother: He's not a child! He's thirty-four!
- Leela: Burn on that old crew! The only things they did better than us were suck and die!
- Fry: Listen to me! You don't want to lie in bed like a vegetable and do nothing the rest of your life. I've tried it. Bedsores hurt!
- Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?
- Leela: I'll find Fry's coffin, get his corpse, and keep it under my mattress to remind me that he's really dead. That'll prove I'm not insane!
- Professor Farnsworth: Of course Fry still exists…as a frozen corpse in outer space! [chuckles momentarily, then suddenly stops, despondent] Oh. I made myself sad.
- Father Changstein: I barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman I have no problem telling his most intimate friends all about him.
- Hermes: Soothe us with sweet lies.
- Leela: Uh, were you guys singing?
- Bender: No, I was telling you not to worry. I'm not allowed to sing. Court order.
- Father Changstein: It may comfort you to know that Philip's death only took 15 seconds, yet the pain was so intense that it felt to him like 15 years. And it goes without saying that it caused him to empty his bowels.
- Bender: I'm so embarrassed. I just wish everybody else was dead.
- Hermes: Jamaicans have other interests! Which is why the limbo team got detained at the airport.
- Bender: Just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't bound and gagged.
- Calculon: Oh, how cruel and melodramatic fate is!
- Calculon: Your death fills me with sorrow, anger, fear, every emotion an actor can display.
- Coilette: I marry Calculon, divorce him, take half his money and turn back into a guy. It's sort of a two-person pyramid scheme.
- Fry: That's marriage for you.
- Coilette: Come on, you never went on a date with a guy just 'cause you were hungry?
- Leela: Well I…uh…I thought I might like him on a full stomach.
- Coilette: So you really and truly love me?
- Calculon: So much so that I'm prepared to give up show business itself to be with you.
- Coilette: But you always said that you'd rather burn down a convent than give up show business!
- Calculon: I've always said many things.
- Bender: I'm sorry, guys. I never meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything you ever believed in.
- Bender: We'll soon stage an attack on technology worthy of being chronicled in an anthem by Rush!
- Bender: The modern world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
- Bender: I say the whole world must learn of our peaceful ways…by force!!
- [The Planet Express crew is trapped under the ship, surrounded by a ring of burning fuel.]
- Hermes: Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive! [pause] Also, we're dying!
- Bender: Friends, I've come to free you from your complicated lives…free you from the complicated part, I mean, not the lives part.
- Bender: When I screamed "help" I didn't mean you.
- Robot 1-X: I apologize; however, I was able to do your job before saving your life.
- Bender: So what's your problem?
- Sinclair: Not enough hm...duh.
- Bender: Memory?
- Sinclair: Oh, great. Now I remember that word, but I forgot my wife's face.
- Bender: Is it not possible, nay probable, that my entire life is just a figment of mine or someone else's imagination?
- Upgrade Attendant: No, get out.
- [The lab is collapsing.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys, do something! Satan, you owe me!
- Professor Farnsworth: No matter what happens, no matter how great your curiosity, you are forbidden to look in this box. FORBIDDEN! [Pauses, then rubs the top of the box] Pretty tantalizing, though...
- [Leela is standing guard over the forbidden box.]
- Leela: Well, I got through the night and no one looked in the box. Not even me. The person who gave up her whole evening to watch it. A whole evening of TV gone. What a mockery of justice that I can't take even a little tiny peek. [sighs] I need coffee.
- [She walks to the coffee machine and is about to put the coin in but looks back at the box.]
- Leela: OK, heads I look, tails I don't.
- [She flips the coin and covers it. She lifts her hand and smiles.]
- Leela: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! Heads! I mean, alright then. [pause] No! I have a duty not to look. Well, then again, I promised the coin I would.
- Alternate Farnsworth: And when you create a parallel universe it's almost always populated by evil twins.
- Alternate Bender: This is awful. Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me! I do my best, damnit!
- Farnsworth: Astonishing! I must have created a parallel universe.
- Alternate Farnsworth: Baldercrap! I created your universe. All you created was my fist parallel to your face. [He weakly punches him.]
- Farnsworth: Ow.
- Leela: But I'm not evil. My loan officer says I'm not.
- Alternate Farnsworth: Ohhh, you'd like us to believe that wouldn't you, Leela? Or should I say 'Evilla'?
- Leela: They're not evil! But don't be confused. They are jerks.
- Fry: It's like that drug-trip I saw in that movie when I was on that drug-trip.
- Professor Farnsworth: Yes, it's the apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.
- Professor Farnsworth: Now, now. Perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.
- Alternate Bender: Bite my glorious golden ass!
- Hermes: With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!
- Kif: It's powered by love. Also, you have to wind it.
- Elzar: Here you go, big spender. Foie Gras and caviar.
- Dr. Zoidberg: Goose liver? Fish eggs? Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
- Elzar: Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.
- Dr. Zoidberg: I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300!
- Fry: Of course I was up all night. Not because of caffeine, it was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee.
- Fry: Fancy cigar. Why don't you smoke it already?! Puff! Puff! Go-go-go-go-go!!!
- Bender: Nah, you don't blow the smoke from such a magnificent stogie in just anyone's face.
- Cop: Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist.
- [Morbo's wife is adjusting his tie.]
- Morbo: Stop it, stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you!
- Richard Nixon's Head: The loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!
- (At the stroke of midnight, Professor Farnsworth rapidly ages.)
- Farnsworth's Girlfriend: What's wrong, Hubie?
- Professor: I'm afraid the face you fell in love with was just a living blob of goop I bought with my tax rebate.
- (The goop, retaining its face-shape, crawls away.)
- Farnsworth's Girlfriend: Well…as long as we're being honest…I also spent my rebate on a crazy treatment.
- (She removes her belly button ring, and her weight rapidly increases by several hundred pounds.)
- Professor: My, that certainly is honest.
- Farnsworth's Girlfriend: It's better for us just to be honest-you, wrinkled as a prune...
- Professor: You, fat as the queen of all sea cows.
- Farnsworth's Girlfriend: I love you!
- Bender: What to do? What to do? Should I get one $300 hooker bot, or 300 $1 hooker bots?
- Ranger Park: Hi. I'm Ranger Park, the Park Ranger…
- Fry: I get it!
- Linda: Alien abductions. Until now, a harmless nuisance. But recently they've taken on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting victims are returned without noses.
- Morbo: The culprits? Shameless poachers, hunting humans without a permit.
- Linda: The valuable nose, or "human horn", fetches a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
- Morbo: Demand for "human horn" is great, due in part to titillating scenes from depraved alien TV programs too filthy for Earth broadcast. Let's watch.
- Fry: It's no use. We've been to every scuzzy bazaar in the galaxy… including Pottery Barn.
- Alien: I videotaped everyone who comes in here so I can blackmailed them later.
- Fry/Bender/Leela: Auugh, ewwww
- Alien: Hey, I'm a porno-dealing monster. What do I care what you think?
- Bender: Boy, who knew a cooler could also make a handy wang coffin?
- Fry: Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it! The Loch Ness Monster's book was right!
- Scientist: I have combined the DNA of the world's most evil animals to make the most evil creature of them all…
- Experiment: It turns out it's man.
- Ndnd: For the last time, I don't like lilacs! Your first wife was the one who liked lilacs!
- Lrrr: She also liked to shut up!
- Bigfoot Film Narrator: Sadly logging and human settlement today threaten what might possible be his habitat but if it's not, they don't.
- Alien: Your not a cop right?
- Lrrr: Oh no no, I'm just some guy, ruler of Omicron Persei 8!
- Lrrr: Remove the humans lower horn and prepare it to be eaten by me.
- Ndnd: In other words, slop a lot of ketchup and salt on it.
- Lrrr: Then bring it to our royal bedchamber and put it in the sock draw with all the other things that have failed to arouse my passion for this woman.
- Fry: Wait. Listen, I'm usual the first guy to toot my lower horn.
- Bender: I'll say! Woooo!
- Fry: But in this case, I I just don't think it's going to do any good.
- Bender: That's what she said! Woooo!
- Lrrr: And you used to wear a size 3 cape, but not anymore!
- Lrrr: One of these days Ndnd. Bang! Zoom! Straight to the third moon of Omicron Persei 8!
- Lrrr: Mmh. This jerk's chicken is good. I think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
- Bender: It's used to it! Wooo!
- Fry: Yes! I never thought I'd escape with my doodle but I pulled it out.
- Bender: Just like at the movie theater! Wooo!
- Lrrr: Wait! What am I saying. If I poach this beasts lower horn, am I any better than that ranger with his demented foot lust? Yes. But not by enough.
- Lrrr: ...And all living things, large and small....
- Bender: In this case, small! Wooo!
- Leela: Well Fry, it looks like you get to hold on to your lower horn.
- Bender: As usual! Wooo!
- Robot Devil: Your lyrics lack subtlety! You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!
- Bender: I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla, but that is so what I would've done!
- Bender: You may have to "metaphorically" make a deal with the "devil." And by "devil," I mean Robot Devil. And by "metaphorically," I mean get your coat.
- Bender: Fry, you smelly idiot! I think he's trying to make some kind of deal with the devil with you.
- Robot Devil: You know I only put my name on there as a show of good faith for the other robots.
- Fry: Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off.
- Robot Devil: [sighs] Very well. [In a whirlwind of motion the Robot Devil switches hands with Fry.]
- Fry: How'd you do that?
- Robot Devil: They're very good hands.
- Philip J. Fry: At last, at last I have the power to make Leela love me! (Hands choke fry.) (Fry gagging.)
- Robot Devil: Oh yeah, that'll wear off in a couple of days.
(Fry continues gagging)
- Leela: [touches Fry's robot hands] Augh, they're so cold!
- Robot Devil: And yet hell is so hot! Ahhahahahaha! Can I have my hands back, now?
- Fry: No!
- Robot Devil: You're not nice!
- Robot Devil: Well it so happens I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.
- Bender: Forget it. You can't tempt me.
- Robot Devil: Really? There's nothing you want?
- Bender: Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.
- Hedonism Bot: Surgery, in an opera? How wonderfully decadent, and just as I was beginning to lose intrest. Jumbie! The chocolote icing!
- Robot Devil: Give me back my hands! These things are always touching me… in places.
- Fry: Hah! Yeah, they get around.
- Bender: [Singing, while reading from a dictionary] The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention. Now that is irony.
- Professor Farnsworth: [Singing] I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving.
- Doctor Zoidberg: [Singing] I can't believe everybody is just ad-libbing.
- Fry: And what did you do to my nails?!
- Robot Devil: I cleaned them.
- Fry: But I can't play anymore!
- Doctor Zoidberg: Yes, you can! The beauty was in your heart, not your hands.
- Fry: [Plays holophonor badly]
- Doctor Zoidberg: [Crowd boos] The music's bad and you should feel bad.
Season 5
- Professor Farnsworth: Yes? I see… [hangs up phone] Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence. [The crew cheers] And not just fired, but beaten up, too…and pretty badly. [The crew cheers doubtfully] In fact, most of them died from their injuries. [The crew remains silent. Bender laughs] And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.
- Fry: Why?
- Professor Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses. [Pours some down his pants] Ah, that soothes the fire.
- [While putting Hermes' head into a jar]
- Lars: Sir, you're just a little enraged because you're dying.
- Professor Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can!
- Bender: [Preparing to "terminate" Fry] Hasta la vista, Meatbag!
(Fry has just reappeared in the 30th Century, after Bender apparently killed him in 2012)
- Bender: Fry! You're not dead! Unless...[punches Fry in the stomach] No, he's not a zombie.
- [Everyone else cheers]
- Bender: But I don't want people to think I'm incompetent, so I'd better kill you just to be sure.
[Bender pulls out a croquet mallet, and prepares to swing it at Fry. The Professor pulls it out of his hands.]
- Professor Farnsworth: Bender! Stop killing for a minute!
- [Threatening Scruffy with a gun]
- Nudar: [To Bender] You! Read the code or I'll shoot this guy!
- Bender: Who the hell is he?
- Scruffy: I'm Scruffy, the janitor.
- Bender: Hang on, Scruffy!
- Leela: What is the secret of time travel doing on Fry's ass?
- Fry: It was bound to be somewhere.
- Nibbler: Allas, our kitten-class attack ships were no match for their mighty chairs, the universe is doomed, doomed.
- Fry: [oblivious] Can I pull up my pants now?
- Nibbler: Doomed!
- Hermes: Without my body I’m a nobody.
- [Bender shows up with the incomplete Mona Lisa from the past]
- Bender: Sorry, it's not quite finished.
- Naked Alien: Da Vinci give you any trouble?
- Bender: Let's just say he might not make it to The Last Supper.
- Professor Farnsworth: Time travel is impossible!
- Fry: But Professor, you time travelled yourself remember? When we went back to Roswell?
- Professor Farnsworth: That proves nothing! And furthermore, you'd think I could remember a thing like that; plus, who are you anyway?
- [Hermes has discovered that his head was attached backwards.]
- Hermes: You incompetent crab!
- Dr. Zoidberg: I thought you were happy, your tail was wagging.
- Amy: Ahh, don't blame yourself Bender.
- Bender: I don't blame myself, I blame all of you!
- Amy: Us? How can you possibly blame us!?
- Bender: It ain't easy, it just proves how great I am.
- Hermes: Kiss my front butt!
- Bender: [shivering] It's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency.
- Leela: What are you, a whining machine?
- Bender: I support and oppose many things, but not strongly enough to pick up a pen.
- The Santa Bot, Kwanzaa Bot and the Chanukah Zombie song.
- Santa: I brought the elves back from vacation, chained them up, and called my holiday friends.
- Kwanzaa-bot: Kwanzaa Bot...
- Chanukah Zombie: And the Chanukah Zombie...
- Santa: ...three mad wisemen bearing murder and frankincense.
- Elves: Damn you, do, do, do, do.
- Santa: Shut up! Now fetch those bunnies by the armful!
- Elves: Says who?
- Santa: Says me! Napalm makes them slightly more harmful. No-one here goes near that door! This toyshop's going to war!
- Chanukah Zombie: Talmud says be slow to anger, low down scammers got me seeing red. Got my TIE fighter out of the hangar. Jump back jack, cos I'm Jewish and I'm undead.
- Elves: Ten-hut, do, do, do, do.
- Chanukah Zombie: Dreidel, dreidel, I made it out of blasting clay.
- Elves: You're nuts, do, do, do, do.
- Chanukah Zombie: And when it's dry and ready for mercy they will pray. I can't wait eight nights or more, this zombie's going to war.
- Kwanzaa-bot: Check, check it out. Kwanzaa-bot in the Neptizzle-hizzle with my inhuman beat box busy buildin' missiles. They're guided by these cute dancin' fairy figures... careful little elf, that's proximity triggered. I'm fighting back for Kwanzaa so the children won't miss it, I'm confused about its meaning, but I know it when they dis it, so Santa...
- Santa: Yeah K.?
- Kwanzaa-bot: C.Z.?
- Chanukah Zombie: Say hey.
- Kwanzaa-bot: Let's slay them pimps, c'mon pimp my sleigh!
- Chanukah Zombie: Easy with that toy artillery, Torgo's Powder's deadly but unstable.
- Santa: Can they sue for liability?
- Nixon: Certainly not!
- Santa: Use as much as your are able.
- Elves: This bites, do, do, do, do.
- Santa: You signed away your rights when you were hired.
- Nixon and Leela: Now, let's fight.
- Santa: Okay! Chestnuts roasting, I'm gonna open fire! Prepare for gore galore!
- Santa/Kwanzaa-bot/Chanukah Zombie: This trinity's going to war!
- Zapp Brannigan: We fight this battle not for ourselves, but for our children, and our children's children, which is why I'm forming a children's brigade.
- [While fighting a losing battle]
- Leela: I can't command this many ships.
- Hermes: Perhaps I can help. Professor, can you wire my head directly into the battlegrid?
- Professor Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything. I'm the Professor!
- Hermes: Then prepare to see a bureaucrat's mind in action!
- Al Gore: Finally! I get to save the Earth with deadly lasers instead of deadly slide shows.
- Nibbler: Quick! Everyone out of the universe! [collapses in on himself]
- [Nibbler removes Fry's time tattoo.]
- Nibbler: There, I saved the space-time continuum and 40% of your rectum.
- [Bender raises a solar panel on the nude beach.]
- Bender: Sweet photons. I don't know if you're waves or particles, but you go down smooth!
- Fry: I want what makes you happy, not what makes me happy.
- Bender: I also found the Colonel's Secret Recipe: Chicken, Grease, Salt!
- Fry: It's foolproof! They can't sign the marriage licence if I give them a pen with NO INK!
- Bender: (sarcastic) Yeah, 'cause once they try to sign the licence, all hell'll brake loose.(sighs) Oy vey.
- Lars: [walks into Planet Express] Hello, everyone who isn't Leela! And a special hello to everyone else!
- Hermes: Shut your lockers and get to class!
- Bender: I don't tell you how to tell me what to do, so don't tell me how to do what you tell me to do.
- Al Gore: [in the year 2012] That hundred dollars could have gotten me....ONE GALLON OF GAS.
Cast
- Billy West - Philip J. Fry, Professor Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Zapp Brannigan
- Katey Sagal - Turanga Leela
- John Di Maggio - Bender
External links
- Futurama quotes at the Internet Movie Database
- Template:TV.com