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Drop the Dead Donkey

2019-09-21T13:04:01Z

YKWSG: /* Series 4 (1994) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
:'''Henry''': I have interviewed every prime minister for the last thirty years. Yes. [[w:Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Douglas-Home]]: patronising bastard. [[w:Harold Wilson|Wilson]]: shifty bastard. [[w:Edward Heath|Heath]]: stubborn bastard. [[w:James Callaghan|Callaghan]]: cunning bastard. [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]]: cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
:'''George''': I actually think it's rather important that women should have equality in the office place.
:'''Joy''': Oh, good. Then you can get your own coffee.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
:'''Earl''': George, "Jesus died for our sins" is the biggest news there's ever been, now isn't it?
:'''George''': Well, I mean it did happen over two thousand years ago.
:'''Alex''': Have you tried the ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]''?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
:''Helen has just compared Damien's private life to that of the Emperor [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]''
:'''Damien''': Which one was Caligula?
:'''Joy''': He murdered his mother, married his sister, and then ate the baby.
:'''Damien''': Why can't we have stories like that now, eh? "Charles tops Queen and then eats [[w:Anne, Princess Royal|Princess Anne]]'s love-child".
:'''Dave''': [[w:Andrew Neil|Andrew Neil]]'s already run that one, hasn't he?

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
:'''Henry''': Is my hair alright?
:'''Joy''': What do you mean, ''your'' hair?

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''George and His Daughter'' ===
:'''Helen''': We better do something on [[w:John Major|Major]] blaming TV for all this violence.
:'''Henry''': He's absolutely right. I saw him being interviewed on the [[w:BBC|Beeb]], and I was so incensed by the little turd that I headbutted the catǃ

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
:''Damien asks if his mother watched his reports from wartorn Azerbaijan''
:'''Avril''': I saw the one where your convoy was attacked. It was extraordinary.
:'''Damien''': You thought so?
:'''Avril''': Yes. You split four infinitives.
:'''Damien''': Yes, well I was under machine gun fire at the time.

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
:'''Workman''': The hoist's up and ready.
:'''Gus''': Sorry?
:'''Workman''': We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
:'''Gus''': Ah, got youǃ

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?
:'''Henry''': [furious] I know a great deal more than you, you [bleep]ing, sh[bleep]ing, pi[bleep]ing...

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Satire TV shows]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2019-08-29T11:56:59Z

YKWSG: /* Series 3 (1993) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
:'''Henry''': I have interviewed every prime minister for the last thirty years. Yes. [[w:Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Douglas-Home]]: patronising bastard. [[w:Harold Wilson|Wilson]]: shifty bastard. [[w:Edward Heath|Heath]]: stubborn bastard. [[w:James Callaghan|Callaghan]]: cunning bastard. [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]]: cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
:'''George''': I actually think it's rather important that women should have equality in the office place.
:'''Joy''': Oh, good. Then you can get your own coffee.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
:'''Earl''': George, "Jesus died for our sins" is the biggest news there's ever been, now isn't it?
:'''George''': Well, I mean it did happen over two thousand years ago.
:'''Alex''': Have you tried the ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]''?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
:''Helen has just compared Damien's private life to that of the Emperor [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]''
:'''Damien''': Which one was Caligula?
:'''Joy''': He murdered his mother, married his sister, and then ate the baby.
:'''Damien''': Why can't we have stories like that now, eh? "Charles tops Queen and then eats [[w:Anne, Princess Royal|Princess Anne]]'s love-child".
:'''Dave''': [[w:Andrew Neil|Andrew Neil]]'s already run that one, hasn't he?

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
:'''Henry''': Is my hair alright?
:'''Joy''': What do you mean, ''your'' hair?

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''George and His Daughter'' ===
:'''Helen''': We better do something on [[w:John Major|Major]] blaming TV for all this violence.
:'''Henry''': He's absolutely right. I saw him being interviewed on the [[w:BBC|Beeb]], and I was so incensed by the little turd that I headbutted the catǃ

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
:'''Workman''': The hoist's up and ready.
:'''Gus''': Sorry?
:'''Workman''': We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
:'''Gus''': Ah, got youǃ

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?
:'''Henry''': [furious] I know a great deal more than you, you [bleep]ing, sh[bleep]ing, pi[bleep]ing...

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Satire TV shows]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2019-08-27T12:33:08Z

YKWSG: /* Series 3 (1993) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
:'''Henry''': I have interviewed every prime minister for the last thirty years. Yes. [[w:Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Douglas-Home]]: patronising bastard. [[w:Harold Wilson|Wilson]]: shifty bastard. [[w:Edward Heath|Heath]]: stubborn bastard. [[w:James Callaghan|Callaghan]]: cunning bastard. [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]]: cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
:'''George''': I actually think it's rather important that women should have equality in the office place.
:'''Joy''': Oh, good. Then you can get your own coffee.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
:'''Earl''': George, "Jesus died for our sins" is the biggest news there's ever been, now isn't it?
:'''George''': Well, I mean it did happen over two thousand years ago.
:'''Alex''': Have you tried the ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]''?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
:''Helen has just compared Damien's private life to that of the Emperor [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]''
:'''Damien''': Which one was Caligula?
:'''Joy''': He murdered his mother, married his sister, and then ate the baby.
:'''Damien''': Why can't we have stories like that now, eh? "Charles tops Queen and then eats [[w:Anne, Princess Royal|Princess Anne]]'s love-child".
:'''Dave''': [[w:Andrew Neil|Andrew Neil]]'s already run that one, hasn't he?

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
:'''Henry''': Is my hair alright?
:'''Joy''': What do you mean, ''your'' hair?

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
:'''Workman''': The hoist's up and ready.
:'''Gus''': Sorry?
:'''Workman''': We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
:'''Gus''': Ah, got youǃ

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?
:'''Henry''': [furious] I know a great deal more than you, you [bleep]ing, sh[bleep]ing, pi[bleep]ing...

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Satire TV shows]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2019-08-07T18:33:31Z

YKWSG: /* Series 3 (1993) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
:'''Henry''': I have interviewed every prime minister for the last thirty years. Yes. [[w:Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Douglas-Home]]: patronising bastard. [[w:Harold Wilson|Wilson]]: shifty bastard. [[w:Edward Heath|Heath]]: stubborn bastard. [[w:James Callaghan|Callaghan]]: cunning bastard. [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]]: cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
:'''George''': I actually think it's rather important that women should have equality in the office place.
:'''Joy''': Oh, good. Then you can get your own coffee.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
:'''Earl''': George, "Jesus died for our sins" is the biggest news there's ever been, now isn't it?
:'''George''': Well, I mean it did happen over two thousand years ago.
:'''Alex''': Have you tried the ''[[w:Daily Express|Daily Express]]''?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
:''Helen has just compared Damien's private life to that of the Emperor [[w:Caligula|Caligula]]''
:'''Damien''': Which one was Caligula?
:'''Joy''': He murdered his mother, married his sister, and then ate the baby.
:'''Damien''': Why can't we have stories like that now, eh? "Charles tops Queen and then eats [[w:Anne, Princess Royal|Princess Anne]]'s love-child".
:'''Dave''': [[w:Andrew Neil|Andrew Neil]]'s already run that one, hasn't he?

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
:'''Workman''': The hoist's up and ready.
:'''Gus''': Sorry?
:'''Workman''': We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
:'''Gus''': Ah, got youǃ

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?
:'''Henry''': [furious] I know a great deal more than you, you [bleep]ing, sh[bleep]ing, pi[bleep]ing...

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Satire TV shows]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2019-08-05T15:58:55Z

YKWSG: /* Series 2 (1991) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
:'''Henry''': I have interviewed every prime minister for the last thirty years. Yes. [[w:Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Douglas-Home]]: patronising bastard. [[w:Harold Wilson|Wilson]]: shifty bastard. [[w:Edward Heath|Heath]]: stubborn bastard. [[w:James Callaghan|Callaghan]]: cunning bastard. [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]]: cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
:'''George''': I actually think it's rather important that women should have equality in the office place.
:'''Joy''': Oh, good. Then you can get your own coffee.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
:'''Workman''': The hoist's up and ready.
:'''Gus''': Sorry?
:'''Workman''': We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
:'''Gus''': Ah, got youǃ

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?
:'''Henry''': [furious] I know a great deal more than you, you [bleep]ing, sh[bleep]ing, pi[bleep]ing...

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Satire TV shows]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2019-07-30T20:45:50Z

YKWSG: /* Series 1 (1990) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
:'''Henry''': I have interviewed every prime minister for the last thirty years. Yes. [[w:Alec Douglas-Home|Alec Douglas-Home]]: patronising bastard. [[w:Harold Wilson|Wilson]]: shifty bastard. [[w:Edward Heath|Heath]]: stubborn bastard. [[w:James Callaghan|Callaghan]]: cunning bastard. [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Thatcher]]: cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising bastard.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
:'''Workman''': The hoist's up and ready.
:'''Gus''': Sorry?
:'''Workman''': We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
:'''Gus''': Ah, got youǃ

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?
:'''Henry''': [furious] I know a great deal more than you, you [bleep]ing, sh[bleep]ing, pi[bleep]ing...

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Satire TV shows]]

My Family

2017-10-19T01:33:48Z

YKWSG: /* Of Mice and Ben */

'''''[[w:My Family (TV series)|My Family]]''''' (2000–2011) is a BBC sitcom created by [[w:Fred Barron|Fred Barron]] and starring [[w:Robert Lindsay|Robert Lindsay]] and [[w:Zoë Wanamaker|Zoë Wanamaker]]. 

__TOC__

<pre><nowiki>This page needs editing to sort the quotes into episodes.
If you know which episode a quote belongs to, please help wikiquote by editing that section.</nowiki></pre>

==Series 1 (2000)==
=== ''The Serpent's Tooth'' ===
:''Nick is chatting online to a girl who, in Janey's opinion, sounds too good to be true''
:'''Nick''': She's French, she's called Isabelle, she's a swimwear model, and her father's the chairman of a major electronics business.
:'''Janey''': Does the phrase "pull the other one" mean anything to you?
:'''Nick''': ''(grins)'' Ah, you think she's got a sister?
<hr width=50%>
:''Ben notices a repair in one of Susan's teeth''
:'''Ben''': You've been seeing another dentist!

=== ''A Pain in the Class'' ===
:''Ben is trying to encourage Michael to stand up to the school bully''
:'''Ben''': Come on! Scare me! Try and put me down!
:'''Michael''': You're losing your hair, you're getting [[w:Double chin|turkey neck]], and the only reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan''': If you had been a more organised person, maybe you could've been a doctor by now!
:'''Ben''': If you'd have been five inches taller, blonde, with long legs, you could've been a doctor's wife by now!

=== ''Droit de Seigneur Ben'' ===
:'''Janey''': Dad, I'm not a vir...er...y naive person!

=== ''The Last Resort'' ===
:[first lines]
:'''Janey''': Dad, I'm just curious. Are you planning to forget again this year?
:'''Ben''': Ah. A riddle. I love a riddle. Let's see, the answer is: I don't know what you're talking about so go away.
:'''Janey''': Mum's birthday.
:'''Ben''': Oh my God, not again.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Chloe''': Those old people are swingers.
:'''Susan''': Swingers? As in Glenn Miller, or as in Glenn Miller, his wife and the rest of his band?

=== ''Farewell to Alarms'' ===
:''The new alarm system is causing too many problems''
:'''Susan''': They say it's there for our protection.
:'''Ben''': Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin!

<hr width=50%>

:''The phone rings in the surgery and Ben answers it. It's Nick, and there are muffled sounds from the other end of the line'':
:'''Ben''': Yes, Nick...
:''There is a short pause for more muffled sounds'':
:'''Ben''': Even if I had a thong, I wouldn't let you borrow it... No, your mother hasn't got one either.

<hr width=50%>

:''In the night, Ben and Susan hear a noise from downstairs and Susan sends him down to inspect'':
:'''Ben''': (as he enters the kitchen) Janey? Micheal? Nick?
:'''Dave''': Dave.
:'''Ben''': (spins around) Dave? We haven't got a Dave who are you?

:''The next morning where everyone except Dave is downstairs'':
:'''Ben''': Nick, would you like to tell me what the hell 'Dave' is doing in our house?
:'''Nick''': Oh yeah, Dad. You know how you told me I needed a new job, well guess what! I'm a landlord!

=== ''Death and Ben Take a Policy'' ===
:''Susan complains about how people are forced to lock up their true emotions''
:'''Ben''': Susan, I'm a dentist. I spend all day listening to how people really feel, and it's usually "Ouch!" and after a long day of "Ouch!", I like to come home to a bit of "Aah..."
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': ''(talking to Michael about death)'' When I was younger, I thought people died because life was unfair. Then you and your brother and sister were born, and I realised life really ''was'' unfair. And expensive.

=== ''The Awkward Phase'' ===
:'''Ben''': Now, my dad... my dad loved to give advice. And I was going out with this girl and I remember he said... he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is and no matter how much you're in love with her or perfect she is - if she eats a dodgy piece of fish, she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us!"
<hr width=50%>
:'''Janey''': I wish I was dead!
:'''Susan''': Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

=== ''Much Ado about Ben'' ===

:'''Susan''': [identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen. My yoga teacher, poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.

==Series 2 (2001)==
=== ''All Roads Lead to Ramon'' ===
''Ben and Susan discuss Janey's habit of going out with boy after boy for her own benefit''
:'''Susan''': She'll grow out of it.
:'''Ben''': I should hope so.
:'''Susan''': I did.
:'''Ben''': I should ''bloody'' hope so.
<hr width=50%>
''Nick appears at the house with a tour group''
:'''Nick''': Here we have a typical English home, the family seat of the Harper dynasty. And here we have a typical English man. Hey, Dad! As you can see he's taken the day off to slob around in his dressing gown. There's the telly and there's his banana sandwich. Some of you may be interested to know that he's just had a big falling out with his daughter, after he called her a prostitute.

=== ''The Unkindest Cut'' ===
''Susan announces that she may be pregnant''
:'''Ben''': Well, at least that proves there ''is'' a God...and He hates me!
<hr width=50%>
''Ben's patient is pregnant. She and the new assistant are very excited''
:'''Patient''': We're all ready for our little bundle of joy!
:'''Ben''': Bundle of joy. You two haven't a clue what you're talking about, have you?

=== ''Parisian Beauty'' ===
:'''Susan Harper''': For little girls get bigger every day...
:'''Ben Harper''': Grow up then.

=== ''Trust Never Sleeps'' ===
''Janey is holding a house party in her parents' absence. Ben has returned to check up on them''
:'''Ben''': ''(To Susan)'' Come on, don't fight it. This could be your only chance to find out what your kids get up to when you're not there. What's the harm in one little look? You know you want to...

=== ''Death and Ben Take a Holiday'' ===
''Ben knocks on Nick's hotel room''
:'''Nick''': I was expecting someone else.
:'''Ben''': So was I, but your mother swears you're ours.

=== ''Driving Miss Crazy'' ===
''Ben is moaning about his neighbour, who recently lost his wife, and his new dog''
:'''Ben''': I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?
:'''Susan''': No pet could replace you. Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret.
<hr width=50%>
''No one thinks Ben is the right person to take Janey driving''
:'''Ben''': What a splendid family. I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a...''(looks at Nick)'' pillock.
:'''Nick''': Look on the bright side, Dad. At least it took your mind off Mr Casey.
:'''Ben''': Oh, yes. Mr Casey! Mr Casey! ''(exit)''
:'''Susan''': ''(looks at Nick)'' You pillock!

=== ''I Second That Emulsion'' ===
=== ''The Age of Romance'' ===
:'''Nick''': Dad, have you seen the car keys lately?
:'''Ben''': No.
:'''Nick''': ''(holds up the keys and jingles them in his face)'' Well, take a good look. I won't be back till late!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': Don't even bother to try and make love to me tonight!
''Ben switches light out and turns his back on Susan. She sits there patiently''
:'''Ben''': ...You're not gonna bother, are you?

=== ''Get Cartier'' ===
:'''Susan''': Don't eat that! You'll ruin your dinner.
:'''Ben''': I thought that was your job.
:'''Susan''': No, my job is to ruin your life.

=== '''Tis a Pity She's a Whore'' ===
''Whose turn is it to visit Susan's mother?''
:'''Michael''': I went to see her last time she was dying.
:'''Nick''': I'll go next time.
:'''Janey''': And what happens if she really is dying?
:'''Nick''': ''(grins)'' Then I win!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan''': The motto on your family crest should read: "Mediocrity or Death".
:'''Ben''': Well, it's better than "For a Good Time, Call"!

=== ''The Last Supper'' ===
''Susan's new boss, the rotund American Scott Taylor, has come round for dinner. Ben and Susan have to cater for his every need''
:'''Ben''': Coffee. To make you feel at home, Scott, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.
:'''Scott''': No coffee for me. I feel sick. Your wife has triggered my acid reflux.
:'''Ben''': I know, I know. Isn't she marvellous?
<hr width=50%>
''Susan is in a confessional talking to a priest about her boss's death''
:'''Reverend''': You can't argue someone to death.
:'''Susan''': Yes you can.
:'''Reverend''': No you can't.
:'''Susan''': Well, that's your opinion.
:'''Reverend''': Yes it is.
:'''Susan''': Well you're wrong.
:'''Reverend''': ''(exhausted)'' In God's eyes, you're not guilty.
:'''Susan''': Oh, what does He know?

=== ''Ben Wants to be a Millionaire'' ===
''Nick has abandoned the plan to sell his organs online, in favour of a new one''
:'''Nick''': I get to set my own hours, get to work from home, and talk about job satisfaction!
:'''Susan''': What exactly is this new job?
:'''Nick''': Sperm donor.

=== ''Breakable'' ===

==Series 3 (2002)==
=== ''Absent Vixen, Cheeky Monkey'' ===
:'''Nick''': Dad, now Janey's going, can I have a pay rise?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Nick''': Who'd have thought it, eh? Our little girl flying the nest. Before you know it, Michael will be gone too. Then it will just be the three of us, the way it was meant to be.

=== ''Shrink Rap'' ===
=== ''Desperately Squeaking Susan'' ===
''Michael reads to Ben a text message from Nick''
:'''Michael''': "Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris."
:'''Ben''': "Gn?"
:'''Michael''': "Prices 2 high, so gn to Nice for chse."
:'''Ben''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Michael''': "Don't worry about money. I have Dad's bnk card." Any reply?
:'''Ben''': Yep, yep.
''Michael types as Ben dictates''
:'''Ben''': "Dr Nk, u r f'd."
=== ''Of Mice and Ben'' ===
''Abi wants to feature Ben and Susan in her film project''
:'''Ben''': I am not having people witness my life. It's bad enough that ''I'' have to see it.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': ''(on camera)'' I know you might not want to use this in your little film, but I just want to put the record straight...she asked me to marry ''her''.
<hr width=50%>
''On camera, Susan refers to the rat obliquely as a "little visitor"''
:'''Ben''': Who?
:'''Susan''': You know. Our guest. The one who eats all our food and is always bothering us?
:'''Ben''': Oh, Abi.
:'''Susan''': No, the hairy one.
:'''Ben''': Nick.

=== ''Imperfect Strangers'' ===
''Susan and Ben are in a hotel bar, pretending to be strangers''
:'''Susan''': ''(under her breath)'' You're late.
:'''Ben''': ''(under his breath)'' How do you know? You've not met me yet.
<hr width=50%>
''Susan has caught the attention of an older man''
:'''Susan''': You don't understand. I don't want to!
:'''Raymond''': Ah, but your eyes say "Yes".
:'''Susan''': Yours will be saying "Ow" in a minute.

=== ''The Second Greatest Story Ever Told'' ===
''Artistic differences''
:'''Susan''': Your line sounds dated.
:'''Director''': Well, it is set two thousand years ago!
:'''Susan''': So is ''[[w:Jesus Christ Superstar|Jesus Christ Superstar]]'', but it didn't stop [[w:Andrew Lloyd Webber|Lloyd Webber]] from adding guitars!
:'''Director''': For the fifth time, you're not going to sing!

=== ''Waiting to Inhale'' ===
''Susan has found a [[w:Joint (cannabis)|joint]] in Michael's room''
:'''Susan''': I'm going to confront him with this and give him a piece of my mind!
:'''Ben''': I think you've lost enough of it already...which means: let me talk to him.
:'''Susan''': You?!
:'''Ben''': Yeah. Let's at least let him grow some goolies before you lop 'em off.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Michael''': I'm going to be a Tory Prime Minister. I don't need any hippy baggage in my past.
:'''Ben''': So what were you doing at that girl's house, then?
:'''Michael''': I didn't go for illicit drugs; I went for illicit sex.
:'''Ben''': You ''are'' a Tory!

=== ''Misery'' ===
=== ''Auto Erotica'' ===
=== ''A Handful of Dust'' ===
:''Ben and Susan are discussing Janey's new friend, Kate, who is a lesbian''
:'''Susan''': There are many notable lesbians in history. [[w:Catherine the Great|Catherine the Great]].
:'''Ben''': Name says it all.
:'''Susan''': [[k.d. lang]].
:'''Ben''': Wonderful voice. Sharon Simpson.
:'''Susan''': Who's she?
:'''Ben''': One of my patients. Lovely teeth.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nick''': Oh, no! My worst nightmare: two lesbians sharing a bed in my house, and one of them's my sister!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Janey''': I'm not gay.
:'''Ben''': Well that about takes the biscuit doesn't it? How ''dare'' you not be gay. Good God! You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger...
:'''Susan''': You said anger.
:'''Ben''': I was angry twice. Until we finally reach tolerance and acceptance, and you tell us you're not gay. My own daughter! I feel betrayed!

=== ''The Lost Weekend'' ===
=== ''Ghosts'' ===
''Nick wants to be a taxi driver''
:'''Nick''': I'm doing [[w:Taxicabs of the United Kingdom#The Knowledge|The Knowledge]].
:'''Ben''': You haven't even passed The Ignorance.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Michael and Abi have just finished dinner when Ben walks in''
:'''Michael''': There might be some burnt cheese stuck to the lid. You snooze, you lose.
:'''Ben''': No, I win! ''(holds up bag)'' Yes, it's Chinese Takeaway time! Oh yes! Oh, look at this! Chicken with cashew nuts, spring rolls, capital spare ribs. My favourite. And it's followed closely by the ever-loved rice. It's alright, Michael; you can lick the lids.
:'''Michael''': You mean to say you got takeaway and you didn't even consult your kids.
:'''Ben''': ''(smiling broadly)'' Yeah.
:'''Abi''': Don't you feel guilty?
:'''Ben''': ''(still smiling)'' No.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nick''': Is that Chinese takeaway?
:'''Ben''': No, it's Chinese keep-away.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Nick arrives dressed as an exorcist, and sees Ben asleep on the sofa''
:'''Nick''': What putrefaction is this? Michael, holy water. ''(takes a spray bottle)'' Music. ''(plays [[w:Tubular Bells|Tubular Bells]])'' Be thou not afraid! ''(sprays Ben)''
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': ''(to Abi)'' You, you're unhinged! ''(to Michael)'' You, you're demented! ''(to Nick)'' You, you're just... ''you''!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Ben wants to know which cinema Nick drove Susan to''
:'''Nick''': Sorry, Dad. I can't betray a confidence. A cab driver's like a priest.
:'''Ben''': Twenty quid?
:'''Nick''': Bless you, my son!

=== ''One Flew out of the Cuckoo's Nest'' ===
:[Ben discovers his Barry White record is broken]
:'''Susan''': I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
:'''Ben''': Yes there is. Nick!
:'''Susan:''' How do you know?
:'''Ben''': It's a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals, NICK!

=== ''Ding Dong Merrily'' ===
:''(Ben's anti-Yuletide sentiments)''
:'''Susan''': Why are you always convinced that Christmas is going to be a disaster?
:'''Ben''': Because it always ''is''. It's traditional.
:'''Susan''': No it isn't.
:'''Ben''': There you go, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right; look at last year.
:'''Susan''': We all had a lovely time.
:'''Ben''': Oh yeah, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...
:'''Susan''': Ah, yes...lovely voices.
:'''Ben''': The year before that there was the turkey.
:'''Susan''': OK, so it needed to stay in for a bit longer.
:'''Ben''': Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.
:'''Susan''': Oh, the puppy...yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.
:'''Ben''': Alright, try these: you have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning; you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds; you're effectively trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast; and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan Harper''': Don't be defeatist!
:'''Ben Harper''': I'm not defeatist; I'm defeated.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': What's that?
:'''Susan''': Chocolate Raisin Turkey with Caramel.
:'''Ben''': Excuse me?
:'''Susan''': It's Moroccan.
:'''Ben''': ''(looks at her cookbook)'' Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together. Yeah, you've moved from Poultry to Dessert.
:'''Susan''': That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.
<hr width=50%>
''Susan has given everyone revolting ties''
:'''Ben''': ''(cringing)'' It's the thought that counts.
:'''Michael''': Shame it's such a horrible thought.
:'''Nick''': Nice tie!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': Ignorance is bliss.
:'''Susan''': Then you must be the happiest man in the world.
:'''Ben''': ''(under his breath)'' I was until I married you.
:'''Susan''': I heard that!
<hr width=50%>
''Michael attempts to follow Nick and Janey to the pub''
:'''Ben''': Hey, you're not allowed in pubs.
:'''Michael''': I am if I have a plated meal in a clearly designated restaurant area.

==Series 4 (2003)==
=== ''Fitting Punishment'' ===
:'''Michael''': I've got the training, I've got the equipment, all I need now is the collapse of western civilization.

=== ''They Shoot Harpers, Don't They?'' ===
''Ben's regular dance partner is feeling neglected''
:'''Mrs Gleaves''': You're a user, just like my husband!
:'''Ben''': You're a nutcase, just like my wife!

=== ''The Great Escape'' ===
:'''Susan''': What happened?
:'''Ben''': I'd just rather not talk about it right now.
:'''Susan''': Okay. Good night.
:'''Ben''': Susan, I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.
:'''Susan''': What?
:'''Ben''': I didn't know she was there. I thought it was you.
:'''Susan''': Oh... Ben, that's... that's... that's terrible! (begins laughing) And funny at the same time.
:'''Ben''': It is not funny!
:'''Susan''': Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny.
:'''Ben''': Susan, I– we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!
:'''Susan''': Look, look, I don't want her here any more than you do, but she's in great pain and can't move.
:'''Ben''': Are you sure she's not faking it?
:'''Susan''': I don't know, you tell me. (begins laughing again)

=== ''Return of the Prodigal Prat'' ===
:'''Nick''': (pulling a container from the refrigerator) Is this lasagne or fish?
:'''Michael''': What's it smell like?
:'''Nick''': Fish.
:'''Michael''': Then it's lasagne.

=== ''Owed to Susan'' ===
:'''Ben''': Eh, poetry... I'm not that desperate, I can tell you!
:'''Abi''': Then could you stop feeling up the grapefruit?
=== ''Deliverance'' ===
:(Ben flashbacks to Nick's birth. However, instead of a baby, he pictures a full grown Nick sticking out from between his mothers legs).
:'''Nick''': Hello Dad! Could you lend me a fiver?

=== ''Blind Justice'' ===
:'''Abi''': Your mother's gone blind because she's seen the unseeable: your messy room! (whispers) She didn't see the girl you had up there, though.
:'''Susan''': Yes I did, but, you know, I'm cool with that.

=== ''Friday the 31st'' ===
:(Susan has run out of treats.)
:'''Susan''': And for you, something really special!
:'''Girl 1''': A Biro with half an inch of ink in it?
:'''Susan''': People will kill for one of those in Morocco.
:'''Girl 1''': We're not in Morocco!
:'''Susan''': More's the pity!

=== ''Sitting Targets'' ===
:'''Ben''': (of Kenzo) Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.
:'''Susan''': That is so old-fashioned! Haven't you read any of the latest baby care books?
:'''Ben''': Have you?
:'''Susan''': I don't need to; I've raised three children... and you.
=== ''Loco Parentis'' ===
:'''Ben''': Susan, admit it. All these years, ''you'' have been screwing up the kids. It's me, I've been the perfect parent.

=== ''The Canary Cage'' ===
:'''Susan''': (speaking on telephone) Oh, hello. Yes, mi nombre es Senora Susan Harper. ¿cómo está usted?
:'''Ben''': Susan, hello? You're phoning London.
:'''Susan''': I know, but, you know, "when in Rome".
:'''Ben''': We're not in Rome, we're in hell!

=== ''May the Best Man Win'' ===
:'''Abi''': Hello Juditte
:'''Ben''': It's Judas!!!

=== ''It's a Window-Filled Life'' ===
:'''Ben''': ''(subdued)'' I've just seen what my family's life would be like, had I never been born. They'd be no different. No difference at all. I've had no effect on anything.
:'''Clarence''': Wow, that's depressing.
:'''Ben''': No, it's not. ''(grins)'' It's wonderful! Don't you see? ''They're'' the crazy ones! I'm off the hook!

=== ''Sixty Feet Under'' ===
:''Delays on the Tube''
:'''Ben''': Oh, for crying out loud...
:'''Susan''': Ben, calm down. It's only been five minutes.
:'''Nick''': ''(staring at a nervous, elderly couple)'' That's how it always starts. With five minutes. Then ten. Then half an hour. Then an hour. Then two hours... and then a month.
:'''Ben''': Nick.
:'''Nick''': Then two months.
:'''Ben''': Nick!
:'''Nick''': Then a year!
:'''Ben''': Nick, please!
:'''Barry Hall''': Could you please get your son to be quiet?
:'''Ben''': No, but you have a go, by all means.
:'''Barry''': He's making my wife nervous.
:'''Ben''': You'll get used to it.
:'''Barry''': That's right. Nothing to do with you. Wash your hands of it.
:'''Susan''': Don't worry. He has.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan''': The glass is always half-empty with you, isn't it?
:'''Ben''': Half-empty. Cracked. Chipped. Dirty. Smeared with toxic, germ-ridden, radioactive s-
:'''Susan''': ''Anyway''...

==Series 5 (2004-5)==
=== ''Reloaded'' ===
=== ''The Mummy Returns'' ===
=== ''You Don't Know Jack'' ===
=== ''What's Up, Docklands?'' ===
=== ''Luck be a Lady Tonight'' ===
=== ''First Past the Post'' ===
=== ''My Will Be Done'' ===
=== ''My Fair Charlady'' ===
=== ''The Mouth Trap'' ===
=== ''While You Weren't Sleeping'' ===

:''Micheal had last night kissed his mother when she was asleep on the couch thinking she was his girlfriend...'':
:'''Susan''': We should have told you all not to worry about our relationship in the first place
:'''Micheal''': Is that why you slept on the couch?
:''Everyone stares at him judgingly'':
:'''Micheal''': I just.. know...

=== ''Dentist to the Stars'' ===
=== ''A Wife Less Ordinary'' ===
''Susan concludes the recreation of her first date with Ben''
:'''Susan''': We just got married!
:'''Ben''': I still don't want kids.

=== ''The Book of Love'' ===
=== ''Going Dental'' ===
=== ''Glad Tidings We Bring'' ===
=== ''The Erroneous Storm'' ===
=== ''...And I'll Cry If I Want To'' ===
:''(Ben arrives home to find Susan auditioning numerous clowns for Kenzo's third birthday party)''
:'''Ben Harper''': Susan, I though we had a deal that you'd warn me when the inlaws were coming?
:'''Susan Harper''': Oh, I'm glad your here. I'd like to introduce you to Cheerful Charlie Chortle, Uncle Morris, and The Amazing Beppo.
:'''Ben Harper''': Well if they're here, who's running the country?

<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben Harper''': Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling, look how much Charlie Chortles charging!
:'''Susan Harper''': Actually we're not having Charlie Chortle. He's having gall bladder surgery.
:'''Ben Harper''': Can't the kids watch that? It'll be cheaper and funnier.

==Series 6 (2006)==
=== ''Bliss for Idiots'' ===
:'''Ben''': What is this masterpiece?
:'''Susan''': "Shut Up and Be Happy"
:'''Ben''': Too late; I'm married.

<hr width= 50%>

:'''Susan''': How was it then? Your "society?"
:'''Ben''': 2 words. Gay disco.

=== ''The Spokes Person'' ===
=== ''Dentally Unstable'' ===
=== ''Living the Dream'' ===
=== ''An Embarrassment of Susans'' ===
=== ''And Other Animals'' ===
=== ''The Art of Being Susan'' ===
=== ''The Heart of Christmas'' ===

==Series 7 (2007)==
=== ''The Ego has Landed'' ===
=== ''Four Affairs and a Funeral'' ===
=== ''Once More with Feeling'' ===
=== ''Dutch Art and Dutch Courage'' ===
=== ''Susan of Troy'' ===
=== ''One of the Boys'' ===
=== ''Abi Ever After'' ===
=== ''Breaking Up Ain't Hard to Do'' ===
=== ''Life Begins at Fifty'' ===
=== ''Ho Ho No'' ===

Ben: Are we positioning a tree, or sizing a cruise missile.

==Series 8 (2008)==
=== ''The Parent Trap'' ===
=== ''Let's Not be Heisty'' ===
=== ''Cards on the Table'' ===
=== ''The Wax Job'' ===
=== ''Neighbours War'' ===
=== ''Can't Get No Satisfaction'' ===
=== ''The Abi Habit'' ===
=== ''Have an Unhappy Christmas'' ===
''Susan explains New Year's resolutions to her grandson''
:'''Susan''': They're like promises, where people try and give up their bad habits.
:'''Kenzo''': Does Grandpa know about this?
<hr width=50%>
''Who will get Ben and Susan's free holiday to Mauritius?''
:'''Janey''': I think it should be me, because I'm not tragic like you two, and I already have a friend to take: Kenzo.
:'''Michael''': That's the only way you can get friends; by giving birth to them?
<hr width=50%>
''Ben is not going to Buckingham Palace with Susan''
:'''Susan''': All I'm asking from you is one lousy day!
:'''Ben''': I've given you ''lots'' of lousy days!

==Series 9 (2009)==
=== ''Bully for Ben'' ===
=== ''Bringing Up Janey'' ===
=== ''A Very Brief Encounter'' ===
:'''Alfie''': When I was a boy, I had an imaginary friend. I was devastated when I found out I had made him up.

=== ''The Psyche of Mikey'' ===
=== ''A Difficult Undertaking'' ===
=== ''Dog Dazed'' ===
=== ''It's Training Men'' ===
=== ''The Guru'' ===
=== ''Kenzo's Project'' ===
=== ''2039: A Christmas Oddity'' ===

==Series 10 (2010)==
=== ''Wheelie Ben'' ===
=== ''The Son'll Come Out'' ===
=== ''Desperately Stalking Susan'' ===
=== ''The Melbourne Identity'' ===
=== ''He's Just Not That Into Ben'' ===
=== ''Slammertime'' ===
=== ''Ben Behaving Badly'' ===
=== ''Harper vs. Harper'' ===
=== ''Janey's Choice'' ===
=== ''Mary Christmas'' ===

==Series 11 (2011)==
=== ''Labour Pains'' [11.2] ===
=== ''Accusin' Susan''===
=== ''Germs of Endearment'' [11.4] ===
=== ''Relationship Happens'' [11.6] ===
=== ''Booked'' [11.7]===
=== ''A Decent Proposal'' [11.8] ===
=== ''Darts All, Folks'' [11.9] ===
=== ''Susan for a Bruisin''' [11.10] ===
=== ''A Night Out'' [1.11] ===
:'''Kenzo''': (Quoting his granddad) Oh Shut up...You're running the ambience

==Cast==
[[w:Abi Harper|Abi Harper]] - [[w:Siobhan Hayes|Siobhan Hayes]] 
[[w:Roger Bailey (My Family)|Roger Bailey]] - [[w:Keiron Self|Keiron Self]] 
[[w:Ben Harper (My Family)|Ben Harper]] - [[w:Robert Lindsay (actor)|Robert Lindsay]] 
[[w:Janey Harper|Janey Harper]] - [[w:Daniela Denby-Ashe|Daniela Denby-Ashe]] 
[[w:Michael Harper (My Family)| Michael Harper]] - [[w:Gabriel Thomson|Gabriel Thomson]] 
[[w:Nick Harper (My Family)|Nick Harper]] - [[w:Kris Marshall|Kris Marshall]] 
[[w:Susan Harper (My Family|Susan Harper]] - [[w:Zoë Wanamaker|Zoë Wanamaker]] 
[[w:Kenzo Harper (My Family|Kenzo Harper]] - [[w:Tayler Marshall|Tayler Marshall]] 

==External links==
{{wikipedia|My Family (TV series)}}
* [http://www.myfamilyontv.com/ Official site]
*{{Tv.com show|2687}}
*{{Imdb title|0257315}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

My Family

2017-10-19T01:31:41Z

YKWSG: /* Of Mice and Ben */

'''''[[w:My Family (TV series)|My Family]]''''' (2000–2011) is a BBC sitcom created by [[w:Fred Barron|Fred Barron]] and starring [[w:Robert Lindsay|Robert Lindsay]] and [[w:Zoë Wanamaker|Zoë Wanamaker]]. 

__TOC__

<pre><nowiki>This page needs editing to sort the quotes into episodes.
If you know which episode a quote belongs to, please help wikiquote by editing that section.</nowiki></pre>

==Series 1 (2000)==
=== ''The Serpent's Tooth'' ===
:''Nick is chatting online to a girl who, in Janey's opinion, sounds too good to be true''
:'''Nick''': She's French, she's called Isabelle, she's a swimwear model, and her father's the chairman of a major electronics business.
:'''Janey''': Does the phrase "pull the other one" mean anything to you?
:'''Nick''': ''(grins)'' Ah, you think she's got a sister?
<hr width=50%>
:''Ben notices a repair in one of Susan's teeth''
:'''Ben''': You've been seeing another dentist!

=== ''A Pain in the Class'' ===
:''Ben is trying to encourage Michael to stand up to the school bully''
:'''Ben''': Come on! Scare me! Try and put me down!
:'''Michael''': You're losing your hair, you're getting [[w:Double chin|turkey neck]], and the only reason you're a dentist is you failed to get into medical school!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan''': If you had been a more organised person, maybe you could've been a doctor by now!
:'''Ben''': If you'd have been five inches taller, blonde, with long legs, you could've been a doctor's wife by now!

=== ''Droit de Seigneur Ben'' ===
:'''Janey''': Dad, I'm not a vir...er...y naive person!

=== ''The Last Resort'' ===
:[first lines]
:'''Janey''': Dad, I'm just curious. Are you planning to forget again this year?
:'''Ben''': Ah. A riddle. I love a riddle. Let's see, the answer is: I don't know what you're talking about so go away.
:'''Janey''': Mum's birthday.
:'''Ben''': Oh my God, not again.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Chloe''': Those old people are swingers.
:'''Susan''': Swingers? As in Glenn Miller, or as in Glenn Miller, his wife and the rest of his band?

=== ''Farewell to Alarms'' ===
:''The new alarm system is causing too many problems''
:'''Susan''': They say it's there for our protection.
:'''Ben''': Protection from what? I've almost broken my bloody neck on the staircase, I've got a son who's deaf, I've got a son in a coma, and a daughter as ugly as sin!

<hr width=50%>

:''The phone rings in the surgery and Ben answers it. It's Nick, and there are muffled sounds from the other end of the line'':
:'''Ben''': Yes, Nick...
:''There is a short pause for more muffled sounds'':
:'''Ben''': Even if I had a thong, I wouldn't let you borrow it... No, your mother hasn't got one either.

<hr width=50%>

:''In the night, Ben and Susan hear a noise from downstairs and Susan sends him down to inspect'':
:'''Ben''': (as he enters the kitchen) Janey? Micheal? Nick?
:'''Dave''': Dave.
:'''Ben''': (spins around) Dave? We haven't got a Dave who are you?

:''The next morning where everyone except Dave is downstairs'':
:'''Ben''': Nick, would you like to tell me what the hell 'Dave' is doing in our house?
:'''Nick''': Oh yeah, Dad. You know how you told me I needed a new job, well guess what! I'm a landlord!

=== ''Death and Ben Take a Policy'' ===
:''Susan complains about how people are forced to lock up their true emotions''
:'''Ben''': Susan, I'm a dentist. I spend all day listening to how people really feel, and it's usually "Ouch!" and after a long day of "Ouch!", I like to come home to a bit of "Aah..."
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': ''(talking to Michael about death)'' When I was younger, I thought people died because life was unfair. Then you and your brother and sister were born, and I realised life really ''was'' unfair. And expensive.

=== ''The Awkward Phase'' ===
:'''Ben''': Now, my dad... my dad loved to give advice. And I was going out with this girl and I remember he said... he said, "Ben, no matter how beautiful you think she is and no matter how much you're in love with her or perfect she is - if she eats a dodgy piece of fish, she'll end up chucking her guts up like the rest of us!"
<hr width=50%>
:'''Janey''': I wish I was dead!
:'''Susan''': Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

=== ''Much Ado about Ben'' ===

:'''Susan''': [identifying who has called her, crying] Oh, Doreen. My yoga teacher, poor thing. While she was becoming one with the universe, her husband was becoming one with an accounts manager from Croydon.

==Series 2 (2001)==
=== ''All Roads Lead to Ramon'' ===
''Ben and Susan discuss Janey's habit of going out with boy after boy for her own benefit''
:'''Susan''': She'll grow out of it.
:'''Ben''': I should hope so.
:'''Susan''': I did.
:'''Ben''': I should ''bloody'' hope so.
<hr width=50%>
''Nick appears at the house with a tour group''
:'''Nick''': Here we have a typical English home, the family seat of the Harper dynasty. And here we have a typical English man. Hey, Dad! As you can see he's taken the day off to slob around in his dressing gown. There's the telly and there's his banana sandwich. Some of you may be interested to know that he's just had a big falling out with his daughter, after he called her a prostitute.

=== ''The Unkindest Cut'' ===
''Susan announces that she may be pregnant''
:'''Ben''': Well, at least that proves there ''is'' a God...and He hates me!
<hr width=50%>
''Ben's patient is pregnant. She and the new assistant are very excited''
:'''Patient''': We're all ready for our little bundle of joy!
:'''Ben''': Bundle of joy. You two haven't a clue what you're talking about, have you?

=== ''Parisian Beauty'' ===
:'''Susan Harper''': For little girls get bigger every day...
:'''Ben Harper''': Grow up then.

=== ''Trust Never Sleeps'' ===
''Janey is holding a house party in her parents' absence. Ben has returned to check up on them''
:'''Ben''': ''(To Susan)'' Come on, don't fight it. This could be your only chance to find out what your kids get up to when you're not there. What's the harm in one little look? You know you want to...

=== ''Death and Ben Take a Holiday'' ===
''Ben knocks on Nick's hotel room''
:'''Nick''': I was expecting someone else.
:'''Ben''': So was I, but your mother swears you're ours.

=== ''Driving Miss Crazy'' ===
''Ben is moaning about his neighbour, who recently lost his wife, and his new dog''
:'''Ben''': I mean, if I popped my clogs, would you replace me with a pet?
:'''Susan''': No pet could replace you. Except perhaps a bad-tempered ferret.
<hr width=50%>
''No one thinks Ben is the right person to take Janey driving''
:'''Ben''': What a splendid family. I've got a daughter who thinks I'm a joke, a son who thinks I'm demented, a wife who doesn't support me and a...''(looks at Nick)'' pillock.
:'''Nick''': Look on the bright side, Dad. At least it took your mind off Mr Casey.
:'''Ben''': Oh, yes. Mr Casey! Mr Casey! ''(exit)''
:'''Susan''': ''(looks at Nick)'' You pillock!

=== ''I Second That Emulsion'' ===
=== ''The Age of Romance'' ===
:'''Nick''': Dad, have you seen the car keys lately?
:'''Ben''': No.
:'''Nick''': ''(holds up the keys and jingles them in his face)'' Well, take a good look. I won't be back till late!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': Don't even bother to try and make love to me tonight!
''Ben switches light out and turns his back on Susan. She sits there patiently''
:'''Ben''': ...You're not gonna bother, are you?

=== ''Get Cartier'' ===
:'''Susan''': Don't eat that! You'll ruin your dinner.
:'''Ben''': I thought that was your job.
:'''Susan''': No, my job is to ruin your life.

=== '''Tis a Pity She's a Whore'' ===
''Whose turn is it to visit Susan's mother?''
:'''Michael''': I went to see her last time she was dying.
:'''Nick''': I'll go next time.
:'''Janey''': And what happens if she really is dying?
:'''Nick''': ''(grins)'' Then I win!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan''': The motto on your family crest should read: "Mediocrity or Death".
:'''Ben''': Well, it's better than "For a Good Time, Call"!

=== ''The Last Supper'' ===
''Susan's new boss, the rotund American Scott Taylor, has come round for dinner. Ben and Susan have to cater for his every need''
:'''Ben''': Coffee. To make you feel at home, Scott, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.
:'''Scott''': No coffee for me. I feel sick. Your wife has triggered my acid reflux.
:'''Ben''': I know, I know. Isn't she marvellous?
<hr width=50%>
''Susan is in a confessional talking to a priest about her boss's death''
:'''Reverend''': You can't argue someone to death.
:'''Susan''': Yes you can.
:'''Reverend''': No you can't.
:'''Susan''': Well, that's your opinion.
:'''Reverend''': Yes it is.
:'''Susan''': Well you're wrong.
:'''Reverend''': ''(exhausted)'' In God's eyes, you're not guilty.
:'''Susan''': Oh, what does He know?

=== ''Ben Wants to be a Millionaire'' ===
''Nick has abandoned the plan to sell his organs online, in favour of a new one''
:'''Nick''': I get to set my own hours, get to work from home, and talk about job satisfaction!
:'''Susan''': What exactly is this new job?
:'''Nick''': Sperm donor.

=== ''Breakable'' ===

==Series 3 (2002)==
=== ''Absent Vixen, Cheeky Monkey'' ===
:'''Nick''': Dad, now Janey's going, can I have a pay rise?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Nick''': Who'd have thought it, eh? Our little girl flying the nest. Before you know it, Michael will be gone too. Then it will just be the three of us, the way it was meant to be.

=== ''Shrink Rap'' ===
=== ''Desperately Squeaking Susan'' ===
''Michael reads to Ben a text message from Nick''
:'''Michael''': "Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris."
:'''Ben''': "Gn?"
:'''Michael''': "Prices 2 high, so gn to Nice for chse."
:'''Ben''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Michael''': "Don't worry about money. I have Dad's bnk card." Any reply?
:'''Ben''': Yep, yep.
''Michael types as Ben dictates''
:'''Ben''': "Dr Nk, u r f'd."
=== ''Of Mice and Ben'' ===
''Abi wants to feature Ben and Susan in her film project''
:'''Ben''': I am not having people witness my life. It's bad enough that ''I'' have to see it.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': ''(on camera)'' I know you might not want to use this in your little film, but I just want to put the record straight...she asked me to marry ''her''.
<hr width=50%>
''On camera, Susan refers to the rat obliquely as a "little visitor"''
:'''Ben''': Who?
:'''Susan''': You know. Our guest. The one who eats our food and is always bothering us?
:'''Ben''': Oh, Abi.
:'''Susan''': No, the hairy one.
:'''Ben''': Nick.

=== ''Imperfect Strangers'' ===
''Susan and Ben are in a hotel bar, pretending to be strangers''
:'''Susan''': ''(under her breath)'' You're late.
:'''Ben''': ''(under his breath)'' How do you know? You've not met me yet.
<hr width=50%>
''Susan has caught the attention of an older man''
:'''Susan''': You don't understand. I don't want to!
:'''Raymond''': Ah, but your eyes say "Yes".
:'''Susan''': Yours will be saying "Ow" in a minute.

=== ''The Second Greatest Story Ever Told'' ===
''Artistic differences''
:'''Susan''': Your line sounds dated.
:'''Director''': Well, it is set two thousand years ago!
:'''Susan''': So is ''[[w:Jesus Christ Superstar|Jesus Christ Superstar]]'', but it didn't stop [[w:Andrew Lloyd Webber|Lloyd Webber]] from adding guitars!
:'''Director''': For the fifth time, you're not going to sing!

=== ''Waiting to Inhale'' ===
''Susan has found a [[w:Joint (cannabis)|joint]] in Michael's room''
:'''Susan''': I'm going to confront him with this and give him a piece of my mind!
:'''Ben''': I think you've lost enough of it already...which means: let me talk to him.
:'''Susan''': You?!
:'''Ben''': Yeah. Let's at least let him grow some goolies before you lop 'em off.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Michael''': I'm going to be a Tory Prime Minister. I don't need any hippy baggage in my past.
:'''Ben''': So what were you doing at that girl's house, then?
:'''Michael''': I didn't go for illicit drugs; I went for illicit sex.
:'''Ben''': You ''are'' a Tory!

=== ''Misery'' ===
=== ''Auto Erotica'' ===
=== ''A Handful of Dust'' ===
:''Ben and Susan are discussing Janey's new friend, Kate, who is a lesbian''
:'''Susan''': There are many notable lesbians in history. [[w:Catherine the Great|Catherine the Great]].
:'''Ben''': Name says it all.
:'''Susan''': [[k.d. lang]].
:'''Ben''': Wonderful voice. Sharon Simpson.
:'''Susan''': Who's she?
:'''Ben''': One of my patients. Lovely teeth.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nick''': Oh, no! My worst nightmare: two lesbians sharing a bed in my house, and one of them's my sister!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Janey''': I'm not gay.
:'''Ben''': Well that about takes the biscuit doesn't it? How ''dare'' you not be gay. Good God! You put us through anxiety, anger, confusion, doubt, anger...
:'''Susan''': You said anger.
:'''Ben''': I was angry twice. Until we finally reach tolerance and acceptance, and you tell us you're not gay. My own daughter! I feel betrayed!

=== ''The Lost Weekend'' ===
=== ''Ghosts'' ===
''Nick wants to be a taxi driver''
:'''Nick''': I'm doing [[w:Taxicabs of the United Kingdom#The Knowledge|The Knowledge]].
:'''Ben''': You haven't even passed The Ignorance.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Michael and Abi have just finished dinner when Ben walks in''
:'''Michael''': There might be some burnt cheese stuck to the lid. You snooze, you lose.
:'''Ben''': No, I win! ''(holds up bag)'' Yes, it's Chinese Takeaway time! Oh yes! Oh, look at this! Chicken with cashew nuts, spring rolls, capital spare ribs. My favourite. And it's followed closely by the ever-loved rice. It's alright, Michael; you can lick the lids.
:'''Michael''': You mean to say you got takeaway and you didn't even consult your kids.
:'''Ben''': ''(smiling broadly)'' Yeah.
:'''Abi''': Don't you feel guilty?
:'''Ben''': ''(still smiling)'' No.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nick''': Is that Chinese takeaway?
:'''Ben''': No, it's Chinese keep-away.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Nick arrives dressed as an exorcist, and sees Ben asleep on the sofa''
:'''Nick''': What putrefaction is this? Michael, holy water. ''(takes a spray bottle)'' Music. ''(plays [[w:Tubular Bells|Tubular Bells]])'' Be thou not afraid! ''(sprays Ben)''
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': ''(to Abi)'' You, you're unhinged! ''(to Michael)'' You, you're demented! ''(to Nick)'' You, you're just... ''you''!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Ben wants to know which cinema Nick drove Susan to''
:'''Nick''': Sorry, Dad. I can't betray a confidence. A cab driver's like a priest.
:'''Ben''': Twenty quid?
:'''Nick''': Bless you, my son!

=== ''One Flew out of the Cuckoo's Nest'' ===
:[Ben discovers his Barry White record is broken]
:'''Susan''': I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
:'''Ben''': Yes there is. Nick!
:'''Susan:''' How do you know?
:'''Ben''': It's a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals, NICK!

=== ''Ding Dong Merrily'' ===
:''(Ben's anti-Yuletide sentiments)''
:'''Susan''': Why are you always convinced that Christmas is going to be a disaster?
:'''Ben''': Because it always ''is''. It's traditional.
:'''Susan''': No it isn't.
:'''Ben''': There you go, always looking to the negative. You know I'm right; look at last year.
:'''Susan''': We all had a lovely time.
:'''Ben''': Oh yeah, you did. I got beaten up by carol singers...
:'''Susan''': Ah, yes...lovely voices.
:'''Ben''': The year before that there was the turkey.
:'''Susan''': OK, so it needed to stay in for a bit longer.
:'''Ben''': Susan, it was still alive. I'm trying to forget the year of the puppy.
:'''Susan''': Oh, the puppy...yes, that was sad, wasn't it? But those aren't reasons to hate Christmas.
:'''Ben''': Alright, try these: you have to jolly up to people you normally wouldn't bother to rescue from drowning; you get drunken men in suits vomiting in your flowerbeds; you're effectively trapped in the house with the central heating on full blast; and then someone throws a log on the fire because they think it's festive!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan Harper''': Don't be defeatist!
:'''Ben Harper''': I'm not defeatist; I'm defeated.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': What's that?
:'''Susan''': Chocolate Raisin Turkey with Caramel.
:'''Ben''': Excuse me?
:'''Susan''': It's Moroccan.
:'''Ben''': ''(looks at her cookbook)'' Ah, I see. Several pages of your cookbook are stuck together. Yeah, you've moved from Poultry to Dessert.
:'''Susan''': That's how great discoveries are made. Luddite.
<hr width=50%>
''Susan has given everyone revolting ties''
:'''Ben''': ''(cringing)'' It's the thought that counts.
:'''Michael''': Shame it's such a horrible thought.
:'''Nick''': Nice tie!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben''': Ignorance is bliss.
:'''Susan''': Then you must be the happiest man in the world.
:'''Ben''': ''(under his breath)'' I was until I married you.
:'''Susan''': I heard that!
<hr width=50%>
''Michael attempts to follow Nick and Janey to the pub''
:'''Ben''': Hey, you're not allowed in pubs.
:'''Michael''': I am if I have a plated meal in a clearly designated restaurant area.

==Series 4 (2003)==
=== ''Fitting Punishment'' ===
:'''Michael''': I've got the training, I've got the equipment, all I need now is the collapse of western civilization.

=== ''They Shoot Harpers, Don't They?'' ===
''Ben's regular dance partner is feeling neglected''
:'''Mrs Gleaves''': You're a user, just like my husband!
:'''Ben''': You're a nutcase, just like my wife!

=== ''The Great Escape'' ===
:'''Susan''': What happened?
:'''Ben''': I'd just rather not talk about it right now.
:'''Susan''': Okay. Good night.
:'''Ben''': Susan, I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.
:'''Susan''': What?
:'''Ben''': I didn't know she was there. I thought it was you.
:'''Susan''': Oh... Ben, that's... that's... that's terrible! (begins laughing) And funny at the same time.
:'''Ben''': It is not funny!
:'''Susan''': Oh, come on, it's a little bit funny.
:'''Ben''': Susan, I– we very nearly became a Greek tragedy!
:'''Susan''': Look, look, I don't want her here any more than you do, but she's in great pain and can't move.
:'''Ben''': Are you sure she's not faking it?
:'''Susan''': I don't know, you tell me. (begins laughing again)

=== ''Return of the Prodigal Prat'' ===
:'''Nick''': (pulling a container from the refrigerator) Is this lasagne or fish?
:'''Michael''': What's it smell like?
:'''Nick''': Fish.
:'''Michael''': Then it's lasagne.

=== ''Owed to Susan'' ===
:'''Ben''': Eh, poetry... I'm not that desperate, I can tell you!
:'''Abi''': Then could you stop feeling up the grapefruit?
=== ''Deliverance'' ===
:(Ben flashbacks to Nick's birth. However, instead of a baby, he pictures a full grown Nick sticking out from between his mothers legs).
:'''Nick''': Hello Dad! Could you lend me a fiver?

=== ''Blind Justice'' ===
:'''Abi''': Your mother's gone blind because she's seen the unseeable: your messy room! (whispers) She didn't see the girl you had up there, though.
:'''Susan''': Yes I did, but, you know, I'm cool with that.

=== ''Friday the 31st'' ===
:(Susan has run out of treats.)
:'''Susan''': And for you, something really special!
:'''Girl 1''': A Biro with half an inch of ink in it?
:'''Susan''': People will kill for one of those in Morocco.
:'''Girl 1''': We're not in Morocco!
:'''Susan''': More's the pity!

=== ''Sitting Targets'' ===
:'''Ben''': (of Kenzo) Susan, the baby will wake up when he's good and ready.
:'''Susan''': That is so old-fashioned! Haven't you read any of the latest baby care books?
:'''Ben''': Have you?
:'''Susan''': I don't need to; I've raised three children... and you.
=== ''Loco Parentis'' ===
:'''Ben''': Susan, admit it. All these years, ''you'' have been screwing up the kids. It's me, I've been the perfect parent.

=== ''The Canary Cage'' ===
:'''Susan''': (speaking on telephone) Oh, hello. Yes, mi nombre es Senora Susan Harper. ¿cómo está usted?
:'''Ben''': Susan, hello? You're phoning London.
:'''Susan''': I know, but, you know, "when in Rome".
:'''Ben''': We're not in Rome, we're in hell!

=== ''May the Best Man Win'' ===
:'''Abi''': Hello Juditte
:'''Ben''': It's Judas!!!

=== ''It's a Window-Filled Life'' ===
:'''Ben''': ''(subdued)'' I've just seen what my family's life would be like, had I never been born. They'd be no different. No difference at all. I've had no effect on anything.
:'''Clarence''': Wow, that's depressing.
:'''Ben''': No, it's not. ''(grins)'' It's wonderful! Don't you see? ''They're'' the crazy ones! I'm off the hook!

=== ''Sixty Feet Under'' ===
:''Delays on the Tube''
:'''Ben''': Oh, for crying out loud...
:'''Susan''': Ben, calm down. It's only been five minutes.
:'''Nick''': ''(staring at a nervous, elderly couple)'' That's how it always starts. With five minutes. Then ten. Then half an hour. Then an hour. Then two hours... and then a month.
:'''Ben''': Nick.
:'''Nick''': Then two months.
:'''Ben''': Nick!
:'''Nick''': Then a year!
:'''Ben''': Nick, please!
:'''Barry Hall''': Could you please get your son to be quiet?
:'''Ben''': No, but you have a go, by all means.
:'''Barry''': He's making my wife nervous.
:'''Ben''': You'll get used to it.
:'''Barry''': That's right. Nothing to do with you. Wash your hands of it.
:'''Susan''': Don't worry. He has.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Susan''': The glass is always half-empty with you, isn't it?
:'''Ben''': Half-empty. Cracked. Chipped. Dirty. Smeared with toxic, germ-ridden, radioactive s-
:'''Susan''': ''Anyway''...

==Series 5 (2004-5)==
=== ''Reloaded'' ===
=== ''The Mummy Returns'' ===
=== ''You Don't Know Jack'' ===
=== ''What's Up, Docklands?'' ===
=== ''Luck be a Lady Tonight'' ===
=== ''First Past the Post'' ===
=== ''My Will Be Done'' ===
=== ''My Fair Charlady'' ===
=== ''The Mouth Trap'' ===
=== ''While You Weren't Sleeping'' ===

:''Micheal had last night kissed his mother when she was asleep on the couch thinking she was his girlfriend...'':
:'''Susan''': We should have told you all not to worry about our relationship in the first place
:'''Micheal''': Is that why you slept on the couch?
:''Everyone stares at him judgingly'':
:'''Micheal''': I just.. know...

=== ''Dentist to the Stars'' ===
=== ''A Wife Less Ordinary'' ===
''Susan concludes the recreation of her first date with Ben''
:'''Susan''': We just got married!
:'''Ben''': I still don't want kids.

=== ''The Book of Love'' ===
=== ''Going Dental'' ===
=== ''Glad Tidings We Bring'' ===
=== ''The Erroneous Storm'' ===
=== ''...And I'll Cry If I Want To'' ===
:''(Ben arrives home to find Susan auditioning numerous clowns for Kenzo's third birthday party)''
:'''Ben Harper''': Susan, I though we had a deal that you'd warn me when the inlaws were coming?
:'''Susan Harper''': Oh, I'm glad your here. I'd like to introduce you to Cheerful Charlie Chortle, Uncle Morris, and The Amazing Beppo.
:'''Ben Harper''': Well if they're here, who's running the country?

<hr width=50%>
:'''Ben Harper''': Good God! No wonder Charlie Chortle's chortling, look how much Charlie Chortles charging!
:'''Susan Harper''': Actually we're not having Charlie Chortle. He's having gall bladder surgery.
:'''Ben Harper''': Can't the kids watch that? It'll be cheaper and funnier.

==Series 6 (2006)==
=== ''Bliss for Idiots'' ===
:'''Ben''': What is this masterpiece?
:'''Susan''': "Shut Up and Be Happy"
:'''Ben''': Too late; I'm married.

<hr width= 50%>

:'''Susan''': How was it then? Your "society?"
:'''Ben''': 2 words. Gay disco.

=== ''The Spokes Person'' ===
=== ''Dentally Unstable'' ===
=== ''Living the Dream'' ===
=== ''An Embarrassment of Susans'' ===
=== ''And Other Animals'' ===
=== ''The Art of Being Susan'' ===
=== ''The Heart of Christmas'' ===

==Series 7 (2007)==
=== ''The Ego has Landed'' ===
=== ''Four Affairs and a Funeral'' ===
=== ''Once More with Feeling'' ===
=== ''Dutch Art and Dutch Courage'' ===
=== ''Susan of Troy'' ===
=== ''One of the Boys'' ===
=== ''Abi Ever After'' ===
=== ''Breaking Up Ain't Hard to Do'' ===
=== ''Life Begins at Fifty'' ===
=== ''Ho Ho No'' ===

Ben: Are we positioning a tree, or sizing a cruise missile.

==Series 8 (2008)==
=== ''The Parent Trap'' ===
=== ''Let's Not be Heisty'' ===
=== ''Cards on the Table'' ===
=== ''The Wax Job'' ===
=== ''Neighbours War'' ===
=== ''Can't Get No Satisfaction'' ===
=== ''The Abi Habit'' ===
=== ''Have an Unhappy Christmas'' ===
''Susan explains New Year's resolutions to her grandson''
:'''Susan''': They're like promises, where people try and give up their bad habits.
:'''Kenzo''': Does Grandpa know about this?
<hr width=50%>
''Who will get Ben and Susan's free holiday to Mauritius?''
:'''Janey''': I think it should be me, because I'm not tragic like you two, and I already have a friend to take: Kenzo.
:'''Michael''': That's the only way you can get friends; by giving birth to them?
<hr width=50%>
''Ben is not going to Buckingham Palace with Susan''
:'''Susan''': All I'm asking from you is one lousy day!
:'''Ben''': I've given you ''lots'' of lousy days!

==Series 9 (2009)==
=== ''Bully for Ben'' ===
=== ''Bringing Up Janey'' ===
=== ''A Very Brief Encounter'' ===
:'''Alfie''': When I was a boy, I had an imaginary friend. I was devastated when I found out I had made him up.

=== ''The Psyche of Mikey'' ===
=== ''A Difficult Undertaking'' ===
=== ''Dog Dazed'' ===
=== ''It's Training Men'' ===
=== ''The Guru'' ===
=== ''Kenzo's Project'' ===
=== ''2039: A Christmas Oddity'' ===

==Series 10 (2010)==
=== ''Wheelie Ben'' ===
=== ''The Son'll Come Out'' ===
=== ''Desperately Stalking Susan'' ===
=== ''The Melbourne Identity'' ===
=== ''He's Just Not That Into Ben'' ===
=== ''Slammertime'' ===
=== ''Ben Behaving Badly'' ===
=== ''Harper vs. Harper'' ===
=== ''Janey's Choice'' ===
=== ''Mary Christmas'' ===

==Series 11 (2011)==
=== ''Labour Pains'' [11.2] ===
=== ''Accusin' Susan''===
=== ''Germs of Endearment'' [11.4] ===
=== ''Relationship Happens'' [11.6] ===
=== ''Booked'' [11.7]===
=== ''A Decent Proposal'' [11.8] ===
=== ''Darts All, Folks'' [11.9] ===
=== ''Susan for a Bruisin''' [11.10] ===
=== ''A Night Out'' [1.11] ===
:'''Kenzo''': (Quoting his granddad) Oh Shut up...You're running the ambience

==Cast==
[[w:Abi Harper|Abi Harper]] - [[w:Siobhan Hayes|Siobhan Hayes]] 
[[w:Roger Bailey (My Family)|Roger Bailey]] - [[w:Keiron Self|Keiron Self]] 
[[w:Ben Harper (My Family)|Ben Harper]] - [[w:Robert Lindsay (actor)|Robert Lindsay]] 
[[w:Janey Harper|Janey Harper]] - [[w:Daniela Denby-Ashe|Daniela Denby-Ashe]] 
[[w:Michael Harper (My Family)| Michael Harper]] - [[w:Gabriel Thomson|Gabriel Thomson]] 
[[w:Nick Harper (My Family)|Nick Harper]] - [[w:Kris Marshall|Kris Marshall]] 
[[w:Susan Harper (My Family|Susan Harper]] - [[w:Zoë Wanamaker|Zoë Wanamaker]] 
[[w:Kenzo Harper (My Family|Kenzo Harper]] - [[w:Tayler Marshall|Tayler Marshall]] 

==External links==
{{wikipedia|My Family (TV series)}}
* [http://www.myfamilyontv.com/ Official site]
*{{Tv.com show|2687}}
*{{Imdb title|0257315}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

The Brittas Empire

2017-01-20T01:06:20Z

YKWSG: /* Brussels Calling */

'''''[[w:The Brittas Empire|The Brittas Empire]]''''' (1991-1997) is a BBC sitcom created by Andrew Norriss and Richard Fegen, and starring [[w:Chris Barrie|Chris Barrie]] as Gordon Brittas.
==Series 1 (1991)==
=== ''Laying of the Foundations'' ===
:'''Laura''': Laura Lancing, Deputy Manager Dry.
:'''Colin''': Colin Weatherby, Deputy Manager, wet.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Gordon Brittas' approach to management is antagonising a lot of people''
:'''Brittas''': I think we'll just have to manage without a cleaning lady for today.
:'''Laura''': No, she's going for good, and her husband with her. He's the heating engineer, and he's turned off all the boilers. The building inspector says he can't give a building worthiness certificate until he's seen the heating in action, and he wants you to know that he can't come again for a fortnight.
:'''Brittas''': All I can say is: thank God I got here today! Just imagine if all this had happened yesterday with no one to sort it out, eh?

=== ''The Opening Day'' ===
:'''Brittas''': This is a leisure centre for the community, Colin! We can't have people strolling in off the street!

=== ''Bye Bye Baby'' ===
''Laura has just found Carole's baby in a drawer''
:'''Laura''': You know what Brittas said: if he found it in here again, he'd confiscate it.
<hr width="50%"/>
''A long queue has built up at reception, with Brittas behind the desk''
:'''Man in queue''': ''(grabs Brittas by the collar)'' I've been invited to give a lecture here, and unless you tell me in the next thirty seconds where I'm supposed to go, I'm going to take you outside and set fire to you! Understand?
:'''Brittas''': ''(calmly)'' Mr Owen?
:'''Man''': Right!
:'''Brittas''': Mr Ken Owen? "Tranquillity Without Drugs"?

=== ''Underwater Wedding'' ===
:'''Brittas''': ''Semper Omnibus Facultas''. Don't you understand what that means?

=== ''Stop Thief!'' ===
''Helen's plan for marriage guidance are conflicting with her husband's surveillance operation''
:'''Brittas''': Let's see now. When are we free?
:'''Helen''': No, it has to be now, Gordon.
:'''Brittas''': Ooh, bit tricky, darling. I'm supposed to be hiding in a locker in the staff changing room.

=== ''Assassin'' ===
:'''Gavin''': I've just seen Larry Whittaker. He says he's going to kill Brittas!
:'''Tim''': I've always liked Larry.

==Series 2 (1992)==
=== ''Back from the Dead'' ===
''Apparently Brittas will not be returning from the sports conference''
:'''Helen''': He's dead.
:'''Julie''': I thought he was in Bulgaria.
:'''Helen''': Yes, he's dead in Bulgaria.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Brittas discovers his wife thinks he's dead''
:'''Brittas''': Poor Helen! She must have been through hell. Look, I'd better get back and give her the good news.
:'''Laura''': Would you like me to ring her?
:'''Brittas''': No, thanks, Laura. I'd rather do it myself. This sort of thing can be a bit of a shock if it's not done properly. ''(exit)''
:'''Laura''': ''(to Linda)'' Phone Helen!

=== ''Temple of the Body'' ===
''From now on, all female members of staff will be chaperoned after dark, except Carole''
:'''Brittas''': Obviously, whatever hanky panky is going on will be with the younger, more attractive women. So, nothing for you to worry about. Happy now?
<hr width="50%"/>
''Brittas has discovered that Carole is living in a cupboard in the centre''
:'''Carole''': I thought you'd throw me out.
:'''Brittas''': Throw you out, Carole? What do you think I am?
:'''Carole''': Sorry, Mr Brittas.
:'''Brittas''': Of course I'd throw you out!

=== ''An Inspector Calls'' ===
:'''Brittas''': Only last month, I set up a brand new course to help the overweight come to terms with their self-image. First week, we have a light-hearted session with a measuring tape, and second week no one bothers to turn up!

=== ''Set in Concrete'' ===
''Brittas is standing with his feet set in a block of concrete''
:'''Julie''': Put you in a pair of shorts, and we'd be all set for a game of [[w:Subbuteo|Subbuteo]]!

=== ''Mums and Dads'' ===
''With the grand piano stuck in reception, Brittas decides to hold the concert there and fit the audience around it''
:'''Laura''': They've paid rather a lot of money, haven't they?
:'''Brittas''': It's a charity concert, Laura. People don't come to hear the music.

=== ''Safety First'' ===
''Councillor Dapping does not think Brittas' request is a reasonable one''
:'''Brittas''': Well, if you're the one prepared to go on the six o'clock news surrounded by bodies, having to admit to [[w:Kate Adie|Kate Adie]] you didn't think a proper fire escape was necessary...
:'''Councillor Dapping''': That's the risk I'll just have to take, Mr Brittas. I'll put your views to the committee, with my personal recommendation...that they take no notice whatsoever.

=== ''New Generations'' ===
:'''Brittas''': You're eight and a half months pregnant and you haven't seen a doctor?
:'''Carole''': I suppose I...I hoped it would go away.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Helen''': Could you give this to my husband? ''(hands her a note)''
:'''Laura''': Yes, of course.
:'''Helen''': It's just to tell him it's fish cakes for supper and I'm pregnant.
:'''Laura''': You're what?!
:'''Helen''': Well, after today's events, I thought the news had rather lost its novelty value, but someone ought to tell him.

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''The Trial'' ===
:'''Brittas''': Carole, can I have the solvent please?
:'''Colin''': It's no good, Mr Brittas.
:'''Brittas''': Pardon?
:'''Colin''': She's in a trance. I think she's having another vision.
:'''Brittas''': Well, do you think we could wake her up, Colin? I need the solvent.
:'''Colin''': I don't think that would be wise, Mr Brittas.
:'''Carole''': No, no, not more blood in here. Not in here, please!
:'''Brittas''': Colin, the borough council employs Carole 'cause of her skills as a receptionist, not 'cause she claims to see into next week with an eye in the middle of her forehead. Wake her up, will you?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Colin''': Mr Brittas?
:'''Brittas''': What is it now?
:'''Colin''': You've got a telephone stuck to your ear, Mr Brittas.
:'''Brittas''': I am aware of that, Colin!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': One gun...white powder...£650,000...right, lost property forms!

=== ''That Creeping Feeling'' ===
''Julie thinks the silent treatment is not getting through to Brittas''
:'''Julie''': We need something much more drastic!
:'''Tim''': Like what?
:'''Julie''': Like...like total no co-operation! Anything he wants done, just don't do it!
:'''Tim''': Well, you don't anyway, do you?
<hr width="50%"/>
''Having dismissed the regular teacher for alleged sexism, Brittas is taking the ante-natal class himself''
:'''Brittas''': And while we're thinking these gentle positive thoughts, let's remember Dad, because he sometimes gets left out, doesn't he? Let's remember Jim, eh, Brenda? And hope his worries over redundancy and the fall-off in the motor trade prove unfounded. Let's remember Bob, shall we, Elaine? And we all hope you hear some news of him before too long.

=== ''Laura's Leaving'' ===
''Brittas is composing a speech on his Dictaphone''
:'''Brittas''': Where else but in a leisure centre can we draw together the troubled strands of our society? Where else will you find young and old, of every class and race, playing with each other on the gymnasium floor?

=== ''Two Little Boys'' ===
''Horatio is having doubts about his suitability for the priesthood''
:'''Horatio''': You know I get hecklers during my sermons? I've had godparents trying to throttle me against the font! Three weeks ago, someone fired a shotgun at me just while I was announcing a hymn!
:'''Brittas''': We all have little setbacks, you know.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': You can't judge a place by a couple of headlines in the national press.

=== ''Sex, Lies and Red Tape'' ===
''Brittas is doing a sponsored silence''
:'''Laura''': He's promised not to speak for eight hours.
:'''Carole''': Eight hours? But how on earth will he do all his managing?
:'''Laura''': D'you know, it hasn't made as much different as you'd have thought?

=== ''The Stuff of Dreams'' ===
:'''Brittas''': Everyone seems to know who I am.
:'''Laura''': Colin didn't recognise you.
:'''Brittas''': Hardly reassuring from a man who's just dreamt he's an eagle with [[w:mange|mange]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': I wonder, could you have a quick word with young Linda for me, please.
:'''Laura''': Of course. Anything in particular?
:'''Brittas''': I need her to unlock the stationery cupboard. I need to get my clothes out.
:'''Laura''': Can't you ask her?
:'''Brittas''': I have, several times, but she refuses to come out.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''Not a Good Day'' ===
:'''Brittas''': [[w:Sebastian Coe|Sebastian Coe]], Colin! This is Sebastian Coe OBE MP!
:'''Colin''': Yes, Mr Brittas.
:'''Brittas''': And you have chained him by the ankle to a staircase.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Brittas and Laura survey the aftermath of the siege''
:'''Brittas''': Today was going to be such a good day. I woke up this morning, and my heart filled with thoughts of all the joyous, wonderful things we were going to give to people when they came through these doors. And now...
:'''Laura''': Now we haven't got any doors.

=== ''The Christening'' ===
''Rehearsal for the christening, and confusion mounts over who is representing who''
:'''Brittas''': Look, there is no need for anyone to think. It's all perfectly simple, I'll go through it one more time. I am the Reverend Horatio Brittas. Laura is Mrs Brittas, my wife. Colin is me, except for when he is standing over here with a candle, when he is Colin. Tim is Uncle Herbert, Matthew's main godparent, who'll be joining us from Godalming later. And he and Laura, who is Mark's main godparent, and who in these circumstances is Linda, come back and collect the babies from me who is Colin and Mrs Brittas who is Laura. What could be simpler?
<hr width="50%"/>
''Brittas does not like the woman his brother wants to marry''
:'''Brittas''': You know, Laura, there are some people in this world (mercifully, not too many) who can walk into a building full of happy, contented people, and just create chaos! They probably don't mean to. They probably think they're trying to help, but the end result...''(imitates explosion sound)'' Know what I mean?
:'''Laura''': Yes, I think I do.

=== ''Biggles Tells a Lie'' ===
:'''Brittas''': He's been telling lies, and to his own daughter!
:'''Laura''': He just didn't want her to get hurt.
:'''Brittas''': That's how it always starts, Laura. You think lies are going to make things easier, so you tell the policeman you don't know what speed you were doing, you keep the 10p you found on the pavement, you tell the [[w:Remembrance Day|Poppy Day]] lady you've already given. Next thing you know, you're fiddling your tax and taking paperclips home from work!

=== ''Mr Brittas Changes Trains'' ===
=== ''Playing with Fire'' ===
:''[Colin has built a [[w:Anaerobic digestion|methane digester]], connected to the staff toilet]''
:'''Colin''': I'm not just going through the motions!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gavin's mentally unstable fiancée has turned up unexpectedly]''
:'''Gavin''': The important thing is not to let her get upset or frustrated.
:'''Laura''': Absolutely. We mustn't let her get angry...where's Mr Brittas?

=== ''Shall We Dance?'' ===
''Brittas wants all the staff to take someone to the dance''
:'''Linda''': I could ask Edward. I'm sure he'd come. We were at school together.
:'''Brittas''': Thank you, Linda. See, that wasn't difficult. Why can't you do that, Tim?
:'''Tim''': Well, Edward's already going with Linda.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Helen has returned from her holiday, covered in vomit''
:'''Helen''': God, what a journey! Four children projectile-vomiting non-stop from [[w:St Austell|St Austell]]!
:'''Carole''': Oh, dear. Are they ill?
:'''Helen''': I think it was the crab they ate yesterday.
:'''Carole''': Oh, you have to be so careful in restaurants, don't you?
:'''Helen''': They'd have been fine in a restaurant. This was a dead one they found on the beach.

=== ''The Chop'' ===
=== ''High Noon'' ===
:'''Laura''': How are you?
:'''Helen''': Not so bad...well, fairly bad. You know Carole's living with us now...and her children...and Gordon.

==Series 5 (1994)==
=== ''The Old, Old Story'' ===
''The newly-rebuilt leisure centre is hosting'' [[w:Songs of Praise|Songs of Praise]]
:'''Brittas''': So, our problem is that shortly we will have some 800 people rehearsing hymns in our gymnasium, all of whom will want to use the resources of this leisure centre. And our job is to make sure they don't.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Councillor Drugget has appeared at the centre on crutches, and apparently Brittas is to blame''
:'''Councillor Drugget''': Next time he shouts "Oi, you", I shan't waste any time thinking, "What's he on about now?" I shall simply step back ''before'' the scaffolding pole lands on my foot.

=== ''Blind Devotion'' ===
=== ''Brussels Calling'' ===
''Brittas is delivering a speech in Brussels, in broken French''
:'''Brittas''': ''Monsieur le President, Monseigneur, mesdames, messieurs,'' fellow Europeans. ''J'ai un rêve, un rêve qu'un jour tout le monde sera''...as one.

=== ''The Lies Have It'' ===
:'''Brittas''': On seeing a potential hazard, we think about it, don't we? We identify the problems. Then we tell the rest of the team. "Think, Identify, Tell".
:'''Tim''': TIT!
:'''Brittas''': I'm sorry, Tim?
:'''Tim''': I said "tit", Mr Brittas.
:'''Gavin''': It's a mnemonic, Mr Brittas.

=== ''The Boss'' ===
=== ''Pregnant!'' ===
:'''Linda''': ''(beaming)'' Me? Pregnant?
:'''Brittas''': No question of doubt. It's down here in black and white.
:'''Linda''': Oh, I don't mind what colour it is, as long as it's a baby!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': Timothy, you're a woman, aren't you?
:'''Tim''': ''(pauses)'' I'm a what?
:'''Brittas''': I have the lab report on your sample, Tim. By the way, you're also pregnant.

=== ''UXB'' ===
''Helen needs to tell her husband she is leaving him''
:'''Helen''': I can't see him till 10, can I?
:'''Laura''': Why not?
:'''Helen''': It takes half an hour for the pills to work!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Laura''': If you remember, Mr. Brittas, you told the ambulance men to come round to the back in future. You thought it was better for morale.

=== ''The Last Day'' ===
''Brittas is making an important tannoy announcement, in the manner of [[w:Neville Chamberlain|Neville Chamberlain]]'s famous [[w:Neville Chamberlain#Declaration of war|broadcast]]''
:'''Brittas''': I am speaking to you from my office on the first floor, on a matter of grave importance. As you know, I was recently appointed Commissioner for Sport and representative of Her Britannic Majesty in the European Union. What you may not know is that for some days, I have been in dispute with the German delegation, concerning the extent of their contribution, and it was to this end that I delivered yesterday an ultimatum to the Germans, that if I did not have an official assurance by 12 noon today, a spirit of friendship and co-operation would no longer exist between us, making me unable to accept my new position. I have to tell you now that no such assurance has been received, and therefore I am standing down as Commissioner for Sport.

=== ''Christmas Special: In the Beginning'' ===
''Due to the snowstorm, Brittas refuses to allow his staff to leave the centre, and a lorry has crashed into the badminton hall''
:'''Brittas''': Laura, how's the lorry driver?
:'''Laura''': Yeah, I gave him your message about staying, Mr Brittas, but he said he'd rather take his chances in the snow.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Julie''': Why can't we use the canteen?
:'''Brittas''': If you remember, Julie, the canteen was sealed by the police until after the inquests.
:'''Gavin''': If there's food in there...
:'''Laura''': I spoke to one of the forensic scientists, Gavin. You wouldn't want to touch it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': Every time I walk into a room, a fight seems to break out.

==Series 6 (1996)==
=== ''Back with a Bang'' ===
''Colin has made a scale model of the leisure centre, with a little figure representing Brittas''
:'''Brittas''': Why am I holding up a green flag?
:'''Colin''': He's out of my train set, Mr Brittas.
:'''Brittas''': He doesn't look very like me.
:'''Tim''': Oh, I don't know. He's waving his arms about, blowing a whistle, nobody's taking any notice, and he's entirely made out of plastic.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': The details are coming back. That coffin was very cramped. Most uncomfortable. I suspect it didn't conform to European standards.

=== ''Body Language'' ===
''Carole is holding a fancy dress birthday party for Ben, in the cupboard''
:'''Carole''': It's an ugly bug ball. I've sewn Ben into a pillowcase. He's going as a [[w:Pupa|chrysalis]]. He's in there pupating at the moment.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Colin suggests Brittas try communicating with the block of ice, suspecting alien intelligence''
:'''Brittas''': I don't know if you've come from another planet, or if you can understand me, but if you have, and if you can, I'd like you to know that you have effected an unauthorised entry into this leisure centre, which is in clear breach of the council by-laws, incurring automatic membership suspension. Also, you're gonna have to pay for this damage!

=== ''At the Double'' ===
:'''American''': We represent the First National Church of Chattanooga. Do I have the pleasure of speaking to Mr Gordon Bright-ass?
<hr width="50%"/>
''Penny suggests dressing up, to make Helen's marriage more exciting''
:'''Helen''': We went to a Vicars and Tarts party once. I went as the vicar, and he went as a [[w:Bakewell tart|Bakewell tart]]. The dog was all over him.

=== ''A Walk on the Wildside'' ===
''Brittas' Walks for Health campaign idea seems to be going down well in Europe''
:'''Julie''': There's mad buggers wandering all over the place! And the Germans have already marched through Poland.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Colin explains his philosophy of antibody-building to Carole''
:'''Colin''': As I always say: a disease a day keeps the doctor away.

=== ''We All Fall Down'' ===
:'''Brittas''': With a television crew in attendance, the Olympic torch comes back from the town hall, held aloft symbolically by Linda. The Olympic torch then lights the Eternal Flame, which represents the fire of human endeavour burning forever.
''Enter Colin''
:'''Colin''': It's gone out!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Brittas has caught a glimpse of Colin's warmonger effigy through the keyhole''
:'''Brittas''': [[w:Saddam Hussein|Saddam Hussein]], here!
:'''Carole''': Well, he shouldn't be! He hasn't got a ticket!

=== ''Mr Brittas Falls in Love'' ===
:'''Brittas''': Has that brine delivery arrived yet?
:'''Carole''': Yes, Mr Brittas. They're PUMPING it through the back door!
:'''Brittas''': Eeexcellent!

=== ''Snap Happy'' ===
=== ''Christmas Special: Surviving Christmas'' ===
:'''Newmark''': You can't give Father Christmas the sack!
:'''Brittas''': Don't tell me: 'cause he's already got one! ''[laughs]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Captain Brown''': Captain Kipper B. Brown. I run the centre.
:'''Brittas''': Gordon Brittas. ''I'' run the centre...Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre! ''[laughs]''
<hr width="50%"/>
''Captain Brown, who is ex-[[w:Special Air Service|SAS]], is making an impression on the staff''
:'''Brittas''': He's really got you going. I can almost smell the fear.
:'''Colin''': That could be me, Mr Brittas. Haven't been able to change me socks.
:'''Brittas''': 97 different ways of killing people!
:'''Captain Brown''': I've just thought of number 98.

==Series 7 (1997)==
=== ''The Elephant's Child'' ===
''Helen is planning a desperate criminal enterprise, and decides to consult Gavin''
:'''Helen''': ''(conspiratorially)'' Who's the most daring, the most macho member of staff? Is it Tim? Or Colin? Or you?
:'''Gavin''': ''(looks nervous)'' I'd say Julie.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Linda finds Tim trying to catch a chill, to avoid the bungee jump''
:'''Tim''': Gavin thinks I'm tough, but just the thought of that bungee jump scares me to death!
:'''Linda''': You're going to die anyway if you get pneumonia.
:'''Tim''': Well, I don't mind dying of something I'm not scared of.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': Since I have been manager of this centre, I am very proud to say there have only been twenty-three deaths. And not one of them was a staff member.

=== ''Reviewing the Situation'' ===
''Brittas is dictating to Julie, while being frisked by Greg''
:'''Brittas''': "Dear Councillor Drugget, re your memo of the 14th inst, I am seeking clarification on council policy regarding the buying in of alternative services. Can I take it this does not refer to alternative ''religious'' services, as was first thought? If so, I shall inform the Reverend Bernie Simpson that he can no longer hold Voodoo sacrifices in the squash courts. Yours etc etc. P.S. Most of the chicken blood has now been successfully removed from the walls."
<hr width="50%"/>
''Since Tim has changed his surname, the [[w:Department of Social Security|DSS]] has no record of him''
:'''Brittas''': To them, you're a non-person. And you can't argue with a government department.

=== ''<nowiki>http://etc</nowiki>'' ===
''Virtual Reality Squash''
:'''Brittas''': Timothy! You've arranged to play squash with Gavin, you're all set and raring to go. When suddenly, he stands you up because he's decided to go out with his girlfriend! Course of action?
:'''Tim''': Well, there are a number of options, Mr Brittas: tampering with his brakes, electrocuting him with his CD player...
:'''Brittas''': No! You play with yourself!
<hr width="50%"/>
''The new computerised booking system is slowing everything down at reception''
:'''Carole''': That's Mrs Phillips for a standby ticket, swim session, in Lane 2, with a sachet of shampoo for ''greasy hair''!

=== ''Wake up the Lion Within'' ===
''Gavin cannot believe it when Carole is appointed Deputy Manager''
:'''Gavin''': It took me years to make Deputy! How come Carole does it overnight?
:'''Tim''': Ah well, she's got a "lion within", you see.
:'''Gavin''': Oh, yeah? And what have I got?
:'''Tim''': ...A gerbil?

=== ''The Disappearing Act'' ===
:'''Brittas''': Dreams workshop tomorrow lunchtime. Now, it's purely voluntary, but everyone ''must'' attend. And I want you all to have a good dream tonight, and bring it in with you tomorrow morning.
<hr width="50%"/>
''It is the middle of the night, and Brittas wants to be prepared to record his dreams''
:'''Helen''': What are you doing?
:'''Brittas''': Sharpening my pencil, ready for the morning! Fortunately, my darling, you're married to a man who keeps a pencil sharpener in his bedside cabinet.

=== ''Gavin Featherly RIP'' ===
:'''Brittas''': I have just broken the news to Gavin's parents over the phone, and needless to say, they were very distressed.
:'''Julie''': Especially when you reversed the charges.

=== ''Exposed'' ===
:'''Julie''': So, what're you going to do if the press get hold of this? You know how they made a mountain out of a molehill when the centre burned down.
:'''Brittas''': All part of handling our friends in the media, Julie. ''(picks up the phone and dials)'' Nip it in the bud with some swift positive action...Hello, Whitbury Evening News? News desk, please...Hello, Gordon Brittas, manager of Whitbury Leisure Centre. I'd just like to quell any rumours you might have heard about there being an outbreak of contagious disease here at the leisure centre. Oh, and by the way, it's definitely ''not'' bobular fever.
<hr width="50%"/>
''A further demonstration of Brittas' method of handling the media''
:'''Brittas''': Why do you people in the media always focus on the negative side of things, when so much of what happens at this leisure centre is a success story? Last year, six hundred people visited this centre, and nearly five hundred returned home without any loss of life or serious injury!

=== ''Curse of the Tiger Women'' ===
''Colin has planned a design for an Ark, and is explaining it to Julie''
:'''Julie''': You don't need to put fish on the Ark. They can stay in the sea.
:'''Colin''': Eh?
:'''Julie''': Well, what's a flood to a fish? It's more room to swim around in.
:'''Colin''': Julie, you have a brain! I can see why that young man of yours wants to marry you.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Helen''': Carole, my last client: when he left, did he walk all hunched up, head down, jabbering to himself?
:'''Carole''': Yes, Mrs Brittas.
:'''Helen''': Good, good. He's getting better.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': I'm afraid Carole is having some sort of nervous collapse. She's to have counselling sessions with Mrs Brittas.
:'''Julie''': Isn't that a bit like taking coals to Newcastle?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': It is seven years to the day since the first member of public came through those hallowed portals.
:'''Gavin''': And you threw him out, Mr Brittas!
:'''Brittas''': He was wearing unauthorised water wings, Gavin.

==Miscellaneous recurring lines==
:'''Brittas''': Eeeexcellent!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brittas''': I have a dream. A dream that one day...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carole''': Welcome to Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre. How may I help you?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Julie''': I'm busy!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': We're all going to die!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Brittas Empire, The}}
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Only Fools and Horses

2016-04-22T20:22:10Z

YKWSG: /* Thicker than Water */

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Only Fools and Horses|Only Fools and Horses]]''''' was a British television sitcom which aired on BBC for seven seasons, nineteen Christmas specials, and six special editions, from 1981 to 2003. It also has a spin-off series called '''''[[w:The Green Green Grass|The Green Green Grass]]''''', and a prequel trilogy called '''''[[w:Rock & Chips|Rock & Chips]]'''''.

==Theme Tune==
===Opening===
Stick a pony in me pocket 
I'll fetch the suitcase from the van. 
'Cos if you want the bestuns, 
but you don't ask questions, 
Then brother, I'm your man. 
'Cos where it all comes from is a mystery, 
It's like the changing of the seasons, 
and the tides of the sea. 
But here's the one that's driving me berserk, 
Why do only fools and horses work? 
La la la la, la la la la la, la la la la 

===Closing===
We've got some half price cracked ice 
and miles and miles of carpet tiles 
TVs, deep freeze and [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]] LPs 
Ball games, gold chains, whatsanames, and at a push 
Some [[w:Trevor Francis|Trevor Francis]] track suits 
From a mush in Shepherds Bush 
Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush! 
No income tax, no VAT 
no money back, no guarantee 
Black or white, rich or poor
we'll cut prices at a stroke... 
God bless Hooky Street. 
Viva Hooky Street 
Long live Hooky Street 
C'est magnifique, Hooky Street 
Magnifique, Hooky Street 
Hooky Street

==Series 1 (1981)==

===''[[w:Big Brother (Only Fools and Horses)|Big Brother]] [1.1]''===

''[First lines of the series]''
:'''Grandad''': ''(watching TV)'' That [[w:Sidney Poitier|Sidney Potter]]'s a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in '''''[[w:Guess Who's Coming to Dinner|Guess Who's Coming to Dinner]]'''''.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah knock out Grandad. Sidney Potter?
:'''Grandad''': Yeah, you know him. Always plays the black fella.
:'''Rodney''': Sidney Poitier!
:'''Grandad''': Sidney Potter.
''[They continue to argue until Del walks in.]''
:'''Del''': Are you two at it again?
:'''Rodney''': Del. How do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Potter?
:'''Del''': Personally, I'd pronounce it [[w:Harry Belafonte|Harry Belafonte]], but you two please yourselves.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to Rodney)'' What are you doing?
:'''Rodney''': Our accounts.
:'''Del''': You keeping accounts now?! ''(to Grandad)'' Well, there you are Grandad. A lot of people said I was a right dipstick to make my brother a partner in the business. But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': I grafted 19 or 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table, alright it wasn't always double legal but you ate the finest food that was going.
:'''Rodney''': All you use to give me was TV dinners or convienience food, if it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it. If you had been in charge of The last supper it would have been a take away.
:'''Del''': Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(trying to explain to Rodney why Trotters Independent Traders never pays taxes)'' We don't pay V.A.T, we don't pay income tax or national insurance. On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit... The government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the government nothing.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(when Rodney first meets Trigger)'' Why do they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun?
:'''Del''': No. It's 'cause he looks like a horse.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] had him stuffed.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': ''(to Rodney)'' Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top. There again, he always used to say that one day [[w:Millwall F.C.|Millwall]] would win the cup!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': I saw myself more in the capacity of a financial advisor.
:'''Del''': A financial advisor?! Bonjour Trieste! You are beautiful, you are, Rodney! Today, I almost clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for £175. When my "financial advisor" stuck his nose in, and advised me to pay £200. Right? And now, having paid the £200, my "financial advisor" now advises me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now, with financial advisors like that, who needs a bleedin' ''recession''?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Do you hear that?
:'''Rodney''': No, what is it?
:'''Del''': That's Mum turning in her grave.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Go West Young Man (Only Fools and Horses)|Go West Young Man]] [1.2]''===

:'''Grandad''': You wouldn't remember when I married your grandmother.
:'''Del''': ''(sarcastically)'' No.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': It's been so long that Rodney had a bit on the side, he didn't know they'd moved it.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': I'm gonna do what Monica was doing last night!
:'''Del''': Going dancing with Mickey Pearce?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del wonders why Rodney took him to a peculiar club.]''
:'''Rodney''': It looked all right from the outside.
:'''Del''': It looked all right from the outside? That's what the [[Christianity|Christians]] said about the [[w:Colosseum|Colosseum]]!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women")'' Drink up, we're leaving
:'''Rodney''': Why? Are they a couple of ravers?
:'''Del''': No, they're a couple of geezers!"
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Michelle''': ''(asking Rodney which tennis turf he likes playing on)'' What do you prefer? Astroturf or grass?
:'''Rodney''': I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(telling Del what he has just accidentally done in the car on their way home)'' Del,you know that cigar packet you just gave me... I chucked out the window about a mile and a half back.
:'''Del''': You what? You pranny!!!!
''[After Del brakes suddenly, another car a Cortina, smashes into the Jaguar he and Rodney are sitting in. The Cortina is driven by the Australian man.]''
:'''Del''': God! I don't believe it. I just do not believe it! Now look what you've done Rodney, you've smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.
:'''Rodney''': Me? You were driving it.
:'''Del''': Don't play bloody word games with me, Rodney! ''(shouting at the car behind)'' What's your game pal. What is your game, are you blind or something?
:'''Australian Man''': I'm very sorry about that mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky... You! I've been looking for you two flaming Gollahs all day long... Now come here!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': What do you mean "won't see us arrive" I want people to see me arrive
:'''Rodney''': In a three wheeled van? Still got no choice have we?
:'''Del''': Yes we have. We can take Boycie's [[w:Jaguar E-Type|E type Jaguar]]

<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Cash and Curry|Cash and Curry]] [1.3]''===

:'''Rodney''': Are you all right, Del? I thought you was in bother!
:'''Del''': That's why it took you an hour and a half to come! Didn't Grandad tell you that I'd called?
:'''Rodney''': Oh yeah, he told me! "Del Boy's been captured by the Indians!" he said. I didn't know whether to call the police or the [[w:Texas Ranger Division|Texas Rangers]]!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mr. Rahn''': ''(to Del and Rodney)'' Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one single item that remains of my birthright. It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera. You know who Kuvera is?
:'''Del & Rodney''': Yeah.
:'''Del''': You don't know who Kuvera is!
:'''Rodney''': Well he was, er, I don't know.
:'''Del''': See what I mean Mr. Rahn, he's got 2 O-Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Gascoigne's vest.
:'''Rodney''': Alright mastermind, who is he?
:'''Del''': Kuvera was one of India's Premier Wicket Keepers.
:'''Rodney''': You berk!
:'''Mr. Rahn''': Kuvera is the Hindu God of Wealth.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Vimmal''': Where's your watch Derek?
:'''Del''': It's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know volleyball.
:'''Vimmal''': I thought you were right-handed.
:'''Del''': No, I'm ambiguous.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mr. Rahn''': If I got into my car at 9:00 in the morning, it'd take me up to 2 in the afternoon to drive around my land.
:'''Rodney''': We had a car like that once.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del and Rodney reveal to the waiter in "Rahn's" restaurant that they paid £2000 for the statue]''
:'''Waiter''': £2000? Why, you can get them for £17 in Portobello Road! It's amazing how much you can save if you shop around
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del and Rodney have found out that Vimmal has left London with Mr. Rahn.]''
:'''Rodney''': No sign of Vimmal?
:'''Del''': No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As [[w:Macbeth of Scotland|Macbeth]] said to [[w:Prince Hamlet|Hamlet]] in '''''[[w:A Midsummer Night's Dream|A Midsummer Night's Dream]]''''': "We've been done up like a couple of kippers."
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[W:The Second Time Around (Only Fools and Horses)|The Second Time Around]] [1.4]''===

:'''Rodney''': Get us a packet of pork scratchings, will you?
:'''Del''': Pork scratchings! Sounds like a pig with fleas!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Pauline''': You never married yourself, Del?
:'''Del''': No, no no, I never fancied myself!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney is not impressed by Pauline.]''
:'''Del''': You don't have romantic feelings, you. You just have animal urges. Sometimes I think you've learned the art of seduction by watching '''''Wildlife on One'''''.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Look at that Rodney, she's only had two husbands die on her.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah? One more and she keeps the match ball, don't she?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Pauline''': It used to be your mother's room, Rodney, but it's mine now and I don't want to see you in there. Is that understood?
:'''Rodney''': Jawohl, mein [[w:Obergruppenführer|Obergruppenführer]]! ''(gives a [[w:Nazi salute|Nazi salute]])''

===''[[W:A Slow Bus To Chingford|A Slow Bus To Chingford]] [1.5]''===

:'''Del''': My only worry is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?
:'''Grandad''': A tandem would be too big!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
:'''Grandad''': You said that this time last year!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': As dear old Mum used to say, "It's better to know you've lost than not to know you've won." Dear old Mum... she used to say some bloody stupid things.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:The Russians Are Coming|The Russians Are Coming]] [1.6]''===

:'''Del''': I'm not a ruthless mercenary. Who is it that goes around the estate every Christmas time, making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, and who was it, during the [[w:1981 Brixton riot|Brixton riot]], that drove down in the van, selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh? All run off home and start building patios?
:'''Del''': Mine is not to reason why, mine is to sell and buy.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del and Rodney are in the flat, discussing the British response to a [[w:World War III|World War III]].]''
:'''Rodney''': And what have we got in this country to combat the might of the [[w:Soviet Union|Soviet Union]]? Three [[w:Harrier Jump Jet|Jump Jets]] and a strongly worded letter to the Russian ambassador.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
:'''Del''': What principle?
:'''Rodney''': Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del and Rodney have just been stopped by a police officer during their attempt to beat the four minute warning to get to Grandad's allotment. The police officer has just walked off.]''
:'''Del''': How are we doing for time Rodney?
:'''Rodney''': ''(looking at his watch)'' Erm, we died 45 seconds ago.
<hr width=50%/>

==Christmas Special (1981)==

===''[[w:Christmas Crackers (Only Fools and Horses)|Christmas Crackers]]''===

:'''Grandad''': I don't know why they have these drug addiction centres. Aren't there enough drug addicts about as it is? Without them recruiting them.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to Rodney, in the Monte Carlo Club)'' I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result it's goodnight Vienna, innit?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Now here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna leave the club.
:'''Rodney''': Leave?
:'''Del''': Yeah. And you wait a couple of minutes right? And then you'll come back saying that there's a brand new [[w:Rolls Royce Corniche|Rolls Royce Corniche]] obstructing your [[w:Reliant Regal|three wheeled van]].

<hr width=50%/>

==Series 2 (1982)==

===''[[w:The Long Legs of the Law|The Long Legs of the Law]] [2.1]''===

''[Grandad is insulted by Rodney's lack of respect for the Trotter family honour]''
:'''Grandad''': You've always been a bad 'un, Rodney.
:'''Rodney''': What, 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet?
:'''Grandad''': I mean smoking mari-jew-arna!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(after Rodney goes on a date with a policewoman)'' One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute... Whack! Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.
:'''Grandad''': Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del Boy. It were them that started me drinking.
:'''Del''': Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': ''(to Sandra)'' Rodney's got a police record!
:'''Del''': That's right, it's "[[w:Walking on the Moon|Walking on the Moon]]"!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Sandra''': Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property?
:'''Rodney''': Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Sandra''': I'll give you 24 hours breathing space time to shall we say spring clean your flat and after that I'm coming round with the CID, That's 24 hours Rodney.
:'''Rodney''': Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song you know "24 Hours from Dartmoor".
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Ashes to Ashes (Only Fools and Horses)|Ashes to Ashes]] [2.2]''===

''[At Trigger's grandad's funeral]''
:'''Trigger''': You knew my granddad, Arthur, didn't you?
:'''Granddad''': Oh yeah, I knew Arthur alright.
:'''Trigger''': He was a smashing man. He took care of me after my mum went.
:'''Rodney''': Where was your dad?
:'''Trigger''': He died a couple of years before I was born.
''[Rodney nods, then works out what's wrong with that sentence]''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': It's Arthur's Ashes!
:'''Del''': [[w:Arthur Ashe|Arthur's Ashes]]? That's the black bloke who won Wimbledon innit?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Do you know any hymns?
:'''Rodney''': Er "[[w:We Three Kings|We Three Kings of Orient Are]]".
:'''Del & Rodney''': ''(singing)'' We Three Kings...
:'''Del''': ''(suddenly stops)'' That's a Christmas carol, you wally. Why don't you go the whole hog, and sing "Jingle Bells" while I sprinkle him around a bit?!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:A Losing Streak|A Losing Streak]] [2.3]''===

:'''Grandad''': You play cards again last night?
:'''Del''': Hmm... Yeah. You know me, eh: he who dares, wins.
:'''Grandad''': How did you get on?
:'''Del''': I lost.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': You are giving my arse a headache, Rodney!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Beneath all this finery, there lies... a berk. Now that surprises you dunnit?
:'''Rodney''': No.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del places a few £10 notes on the table]''
:'''Boycie''': Is that all you've got Del?
:'''Del''': uh no, no ''(nudging his head towards Rodney)'', Rodney's got the rest of it...
:'''Rodney''': Have I? Oh yeah... here's the four pounds thirty-two pence for the empties I took back...
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': What you got?
:'''Boycie''': I've got kings.
:'''Del''': How many?
:'''Boycie''': Un, deux, tois, quatre.
:'''Del''': ''Four!?''
:'''Boycie''': I didn't know you were good at maths Del Boy.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Boycie''': Come on Del, let's see your two pair.
:'''Del''': Well I've got a pair of aces and another pair of aces.
:'''Boycie''': That's FOUR aces.
:'''Del''': I didn't know you were good at maths either Boycie.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del has just beaten Boycie in their poker game]''
:'''Boycie''': ''(grudgingly)'' Well done, Del. Nicely played. ''(whispers)'' Where did you get those four bloody Aces from?
:'''Del''': Same place you got those Kings. I knew you was cheating, Boycie.
:'''Boycie''': Oh yeah, how?
:'''Del''': Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:No Greater Love (Only Fools and Horses)|No Greater Love]] [2.4]''===

:'''Rodney''': ''(to himself on spotting that picture of Tommy whilst alone in the room)'' Bloody Hell, he's a big bloke!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Irene''': You'd better tell me your name, it'll get a bit embarrasing if I have to call you "Thingy" all night!
:'''Rodney''': My name's Rodney.
:'''Irene''': Irene.
:'''Rodney''': No, Rodney.
<hr width=50%/>

''[At the dinner table]''
:'''Del''': How old is she, 20?
:'''Rodney''': No, she's about, 30!
:'''Del''': How old is "about 30"?
:'''Rodney''': 40!
:'''Del''': ''(coughing)'' 40! 40? Stone me Rodney.
:'''Rodney''': What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?
:'''Del''': Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!
:'''Grandad''': Well ''I'd'' have to think twice!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del meeting Tommy Mackay.]''
:'''Del''': Oh, but it was only a friendly drink.
:'''Tommy Mackay''': But I'm not a friendly geezer. And that kind of thing makes me really angry! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son!
:'''Del''': Now let's not be hasty, eh? Rodney? Did you say Rodney?
:'''Tommy Mackay''': Yeah that's right, Rodney Trotter, that's you, annit?
:'''Del''': No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah I'm... I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah!
:'''Tommy''': Good, okay, Leroy, give him some air!
:'''Del''': ''(to Tommy and Leroy after his camel coat lands in a puddle before the fight)'' Now look what you made do! That was a brand new coat!!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:The Yellow Peril|The Yellow Peril]] [2.5]''===

''[Del and Rodney are sitting on a bench next to their mother's grave.]''
:'''Del''': It's quiet here.
:'''Rodney''': ''(not really listening to what Del is saying)'' Yeah...
:'''Del''': Peaceful.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah.
:'''Del''': You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese take away tomorrow.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah...
:'''Del''': The sun is shining and the birds are singing.
:'''Rodney''': ''(realises what Del has said)'' What was that?
:'''Del''': The sun is shinging and the birds are singing?
:'''Rodney''': No, before that.
:'''Del''': Everything's quiet and peaceful?
:'''Rodney''': No Del, in between everything being quiet and peaceful and the sun shining and the birds signing, you said something about a Chinese take away?
<hr width=50%>

:'''Mr. Chin''': This man phone me. He does not give me his name but he say to me, "Get your kitchen painted or you'll be in ''big'' trouble, John."
:'''Rodney''': Oh. ''(penny drops)'' John?
:'''Del''': Yeah, John. You know the expression "John". Cockney expression, bruv.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mr. Chin''': Have you decided what colour the walls will be?
:'''Del''': Oh yes of course you don't think I'd leave something that important to the last minute, do you? ''(to Rodney)'' Get that lid off!.
:'''Rodney''': ''(struggling to open a tin of paint)'' I'm trying.
:'''Del''': I thought... and you can shoot me down in flames if you like Mr. Chin, but what I thought the colour these walls should be... ''(to Rodney)'' Have you got the lid off yet?!?
:'''Mr. Chin''': Blue.
:'''Del''': What?
:'''Mr. Chin''': I like blue.
:'''Del''': Oh blue. Je suis frontiers. That is exactly what I thought. I thought why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue.
:'''Mr. Chin''': What shade of blue?
:'''Rodney''': Yellow.
:'''Del''': And then I changed my mind. I thought not blue. I thought we should paint them gold.
:'''Rodney''': That's yellow.
:'''Del''': This is '''gold''', Rodney. Are you illiterate or something? You see I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant. Gold for the Golden Lotus.
<hr width=50%/>

''[A cat escapes from Mr. Chin's Golden Lotus restaurant.]''
:'''Del''': Don't let him go! That's not gonna please Mr Chin, ain't it?
:'''Rodney''': Was it his pet?
:'''Del''': No, but number 39 is off the menu.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': What have you been up to, Del?
:'''Del''': Oh, bits and pieces.
:'''Rodney''': Where have you been?
:'''Del''': Here and back.
:'''Rodney''': So what have you been doing?
:'''Del''': This and that.
:'''Rodney''': As long as I know.
:'''Grandad''': I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': You swore to me it wasn't nicked. Bankrupt stock you said.
:'''Del''': [[w:British Rail|British Rail]], same thing init?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': ''(Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky)'' Tunnels?
:'''Del''': What?
:'''Rodney''': No, he said that!
:'''Grandad''': Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?
:'''Trigger''': Nah it's alright, this is luminous.
:'''Del''': See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... '''''Luminous?!'''''
<hr width=50%>

:'''Grandad''': ''(on the telephone)'' Oh, hello Mr. Chin. No Del's gone out. I'm not sure... Where have you gone to, Del?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del on the telephone to Mr. Chin; Mr. Chin's kitchen walls are luminous yellow.]''
:'''Mr. Chin''': Don't you "Hello, Mr. Chin" me! What have you done to my walls?!
:'''Del''': Glowing are they? Tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using. It's designed to cut down on the electricity bills. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning. ''(puts the receiver down)''
:'''Rodney''': Does he want his money back?
:'''Del''': No, he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:It Never Rains...|It Never Rains...]] [2.6]''===

:'''Rodney''': You were gun-running in the middle of a civil war?
:'''Grandad''': Well, that's the best time to do it Rodney, supply and demand.
:'''Rodney''': Why you dirty little mercenary.
:'''Grandad''': Oh we didn't do it purely for financial gain. Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.
:'''Del''': Which side were you selling to?
:'''Grandad''': Well whichever side had the most money, really.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': ''(in the cell, recounting his earlier experience with the Spanish authorities)'' ...they took Nobby away and tortured him...all through the night, you could hear his screams!
:'''Rodney''': Woke you up at one point, didn't it?
:'''Grandad''': ''(shaking his head)'' The last thing on my mind was sleep, but no matter how hard they tried, Nobby wouldn't say a word... and then it were my turn...
:'''Rodney''': ''(briefly concerned)'' What... they tortured you?
:'''Grandad''': No... but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:A Touch of Glass|A Touch of Glass]] [2.7]''===

''[The Trotters have just finished attending an auction.]''
:'''Del''': Can you manage, Grandad?
:'''Grandad''': Yeah, I think so, Del.
:'''Del''': Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.
:'''Grandad''': Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way and all.
:'''Del''': What do you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!
:'''Rodney''': They are China cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."
:'''Del''': What do you want for £1.25, "[[w:Oklahoma (song)|Okla-bleeding-homa]]"?!
:'''Rodney''': Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.
:'''Del''': No, it means they're unique.
:'''Grandad''': It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': When a North Korean came to live in London, he thought that Battersea dog's home was a takeway.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Here Grandad. You want a jemmy?
:'''Grandad''': Nah. Had one before we left Del.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Grandad! How you getting on?
:'''Grandad''': All right Del Boy. I found it Del.
:'''Del''': There you are, he's found the nut. Told you we could trust him.
:'''Grandad''': I'm starting to undo it.
:'''Del & Rodney''': ''(rushing under the chandelier whith the tarpaulin)'' '''''Noooo!!!'''''
:'''Del''': You silly old duffer, we ain't up the ladders yet!
:'''Rodney''': Grandad, don't you touch nothing 'til we tell you!
:'''Del''': Right up we go Rodders. Anything you want?
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, I wanna go home.
:'''Del''': All right Grandad, we're ready. You can start undoing it now.
:'''Grandad''': ''(unscrewing the bolt)'' It's coming, Del Boy. One more turn, Del.
:'''Del''': Right, now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.
''[Grandad hits the screw with a hammer and the other chandelier falls to the ground and smashes, while Del and Rodney both look on in horror]''
:'''Del''': ''(calmy, to Rodney)'' Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.
:'''Rodney''': How can you tell?
<hr width=50%/>

''[The chandelier has just fallen down and smashed. Grandad walks downstairs]''
:'''Grandad''': Alright, Del Boy.
:'''Del''': Alright? Look at it!
:'''Grandad''': Did you drop it, Del?
:'''Rodney''': How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on ''that'' one.
:'''Grandad''': Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on ''this'' one. Is it very valuable Del?
:'''Del''': ''(smiling)'' Nah, not really. ''(angry)'' It was bleeding '''''priceless''''' when it was hanging up there though!
<hr width=50%/>

==Christmas Specials (1982)==

===''[[w:The Funny Side of Christmas: Christmas Trees|Christmas Trees]]''===

:'''Vicar''': I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Diamonds Are for Heather|Diamonds Are for Heather]]''===

:'''Del''': ''(commenting on the chicken he's been eating at the Nag's Head)'' Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Heather''': ''(after listening to Old Shep)'' Did you have an old dog?
:'''Del''': I've had many old dogs in my time!
<hr width=50%/>

==Series 3 (1983)==

===''[[w:Homesick|Homesick]] [3.1]''===

:'''Del''': There are 2,000 stories in the Naked City and this plonker is looking for a basket on wheels.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting.]''
:'''Del''': Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
:'''Rodney''': Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
:'''Del''': Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
:'''Rodney''': No! Did she report it?
:'''Del''': Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
:'''Rodney''': Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... Hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
:'''Del''': Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': She's very intelligent actually. We got on really well.
:'''Del''': Yeah, they do say opposites attract, don't they?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Dr. Becker has examined Grandad.]''
:'''Dr. Becker''': Don't worry, he's got legs like [[w:Vaslav Nijinsky|Nijinsky]].
:'''Del''': ''(puzzled)'' Nijinsky is a racehorse.
:'''Rodney''': No, Del, he means Nijinsky the Russian ballet dancer.
:'''Dr. Becker''': No I don't!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': ''(bedbound)'' Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.
:'''Del''': Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cos they'll be closed now!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Healthy Competition|Healthy Competition]] [3.2]''===

:'''Rodney''': I am 24 years old, I have two GSEs, thirteen years of schooling and three terms at an adult education centre behind me, right? And with all that, what have I become? I am a lookout.
:'''Del''': No, Rodney, you're wrong. You're not just a lookout, you're a ''bad lookout!''
<hr width=50%/>

:''[After Rodney announces he's starting a business with Mickey Pearce]''
:'''Grandad''': You wanna watch that young Pearcey, he's a bit too fly for my liking. He'd rob his own grandmother, he would!
:'''Rodney''': Oh don't be stupid, Grandad...that was never proved.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mickey Pearce''': What are these things?
:'''Del''': Those? They are lawnmower engines.
:'''Rodney''': Lawnmower engines?
:'''Del''': Listen, they're not ordinary lawnmower engines.
:'''Rodney''': ''(interested)'' No?
:'''Del''': No, they're broken lawnmower engines.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?
:'''Rodney''': No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.
:'''Del''': Cor, what on 200 nicker?
:'''Rodney''': Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.
:'''Grandad''': What you got, a [[w:Wendy_house|Wendy House]]?
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Friday the 14th|Friday the 14th]] [3.3]''===

:'''Rodney''': Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.
:'''Rodney''': What? And he gives us a fishing permit?
:'''Del''': No, he shows us the hole in the fence.
:'''Rodney''': I knew it.
:'''Del''': It's called business.
:'''Rodney''': It's called stealing!
:'''Grandad''': No it ain't, Rodney.
:'''Del''': Listen to your grandad.
:'''Grandad''': It's called poaching.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Policeman''': They called him "The Axe Murderer". He murdered a group of local fisherman. ''(Del and Rodney look at each other nervously)'' Oh well. Have a nice weekend.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': It's blowing a ruddy typhoid out there!
:'''Rodney''': It's a typhoon...
:'''Del''': Hmm? Oh, good idea Rodney, stick the kettle on. We'll have a nice cup of tea.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(when Rodney claims that the Axe Murderer is nearby)'' So what are you telling me then? The psycho's up stairs having a kip?
:'''Grandad''': Well he could be up there, Del Boy.
:'''Del''': Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, I should think the three bears have probably eaten him by now!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.
:'''Grandad''': Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?
:'''Rodney''': What?
:'''Grandad''': All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.
:'''Rodney''': No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.
:'''Grandad''': Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties Rodney.
:'''Rodney''': Course it is. You own everything on the board.
:'''Del''': No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad has the waterworks and all that. Ah yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, two thousand please.
:'''Rodney''': Two... hold on, according to this it's only fifteen hundred.
:'''Del''': Yes I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': He's a psycho!
:'''Chief of Security/Axe Murderer''': Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?
:'''Grandad''': Of course I have. He is [[w:Norman Bates|a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes]].
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Chief of Security/Axe Murderer''': Is that a police helicopter?
:'''Del''': No, it's Barratts!
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===''[[w:Yesterday Never Comes|Yesterday Never Comes]] [3.4]''===

''[Rodney is sceptical about Del's latest acquisition.]''
:'''Del''': You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? I mean, you know, dealers often put little holes in items like these to give it that sort of distressed look.
:'''Rodney''': Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.
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:'''Rodney''': Del, for once in your life be yourself, right? And you don't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.
:'''Del''': What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...
:'''Rodney''': See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.
:'''Del''': What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?
:'''Rodney''': I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?
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===''[[w:May The Force Be With You (Only Fools and Horses)|May The Force Be With You]] [3.5]''===

:'''Rodney''': Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
:'''Trigger''': You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?
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:'''DCI Roy Slater''': I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now.
:'''Del''': ''chuckles'' Yeah... Uh, yeah.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': What number King's Avenue does he live?
:'''Del''': I dunno, but you can't miss it. It's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Oh, that takes me back, Del. Do you remember when we were kids and we used to go over the pond and play at pirates. You were [[w:The Buccaneers (TV series)|Dan Tempest]]. Trigger was [[w:Long John Silver|Long John Silver]]... What character did I play Del?"
:'''Del''': You played the bloke what walked the plank.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Oh, yeah. The bloke that walked the plank. I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be [[w:Bluebeard|Bluebeard]]!
:'''Del''': Well you should have said so.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': I did say so, but you would never let me!
:'''Del''': I did once.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Oh yeah, I remember, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!
<hr width=50%/>

''[The Trotters are in seperate cells, the scene shifts to each of them one by one.]''
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?
:'''Del''': Oh, he was about average height.
:'''Grandad''': He was a great big tall fella!
:'''Rodney''': Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!
:'''Grandad''': Age?
:'''Rodney''': About 25.
:'''Grandad''': Middle 50s!
:'''Del''': He was just a kid!
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': What about his ethnic group?
:'''Del''': Well, I didn't notice anyone with him.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': No, I mean was he Caucasian?
:'''Grandad''': No, he was a white fella!
:'''Rodney''': He was African, I think!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?
:'''Del''': No, it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.
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:'''DCI Roy Slater''':According to you and your family we are looking for a six foot seven inch dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, white male with oriental features who's as black as [[w:Newgates Knocker|Newgates Knocker]]. Oh yeah and he wears a [[w: Hearing aidaid|Deaf aid]].

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': He was just a bloke in the market.
:'''Del Boy''': Leave it out Grandad. If Mr Slater was here to belive our descriptions he'd have his men out searching for someone who was a cross between [[w: Tom Thumb|Tom Thumb]] and the Jolly Green Giant.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': With a [[w: Hearing aid|Deaf aid]]

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': I'm saying nothing till I phone my solicitor.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Go on then phone your solicitor
''[He puts the phone out]''
:'''Rodney''': I haven't got a solicitor.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Don't waste my bloody time then.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': No I give you fifty quid and you let us go.
:'''DCI Roy Slater''':I didn't hear that Del.
:'''Del''': I said ''[louder]'' I GIVE YOU FIFTY QUID
:'''Rodney''': Del.

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:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Come on Del. Who nicked it?
:'''Del''': They are free to go, ain't they?
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': Yeah, they're free to go, no charges.
:'''Del''': And you got nothing on me?
:'''DCI Roy Slater''': No, you've got immunity from prosecution, you've got less chance of a pull than [[w: Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom|the Queen]]. For the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?
:'''Del''': I did! ''(holds up immunity letter triumphantly)''
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===''[[w:Wanted (Only Fools and Horses)|Wanted]] [3.6]''===

:'''Del''': Who are you two after? Not the gruesome twosome, are you?
:'''Mickey Pearce''': They're alright!
:'''Del''': What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.
:'''Rodney''': Del, they happen to be sisters.
:'''Del''': Sisters? ''(to the girls)'' Oi, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': You don't want to see what it's like in the early hours, Grandad. It's like the end of the world. It's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos. Do you know what, if [[w:A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square (song)|a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square]], someone would eat it.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': I have had nothing to eat since I've been here.
:'''Del''': Why's that? Been too frightened?
:'''Rodney''': No, I forgot the tin opener.
:'''Del''': Why didn't you pop down for it?
:'''Rodney''': Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.
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===''[[w:Who's a Pretty Boy?|Who's a Pretty Boy?]] [3.7]''===

:'''Karen (bar maid)''': Do you know that overcoat you sold my dad?
:'''Del''': Yeah?
:'''Karen (bar maid)''': It's got a great, big lump in the back.
:'''Del''': Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?
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:'''Denzil''': He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.
:'''Del''': Yeah, he is white, ain't he?
:'''Denzil''': The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.
:'''Rodney''': I'm not ever so white!
:'''Del''': You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del, Rodney, and Grandad think that they have accidentally killed Corinne's canary.]''
:'''Del''': We gotta think of a way out of this.
:'''Rodney''': I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.
:'''Del''': Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del and Mike, discussing Mike's plan to have the pub redecorated; Brendan has already offered to do it for £1000.]''
:'''Del''': I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.
:'''Rodney''': £2000?
:'''Grandad''': That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?
:'''Rodney''': Well he's a born businessman isnt he?
:'''Mike''': Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?
:'''Del''': Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.
:'''Mike''': What you mean I get 500 quid?
:'''Del''': Oh yes.
:'''Mike''': And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
:'''Del''': We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
:'''Mike''': ''(grinning)'' We got a deal, Mr. Trotter.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': Where do I get a canary from?
:'''Rodney''': Well why don't you try the boot menders (!)

==Christmas Special (1983)==

===''[[w:Thicker than Water (Only Fools and Horses)|Thicker than Water]]''===

:'''Reg''': I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, except in self-defence!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Grandad''': Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?
:'''Del''': Something serious, I hope!
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:'''Del''': ''(talking about his father)'' Don't be fooled by him, Rodney. He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to [[w:Saturday Night Fever|Saturday Night Fever]]! I was doing some homework once and I asked him what a cubic foot was. He said he didn't know, but he tried to have a week off work with it!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit! I mean, some people get [[w:Biblical Magi|wise men bearing gifts]]; ''we'' get a wally with a disease!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Well I can't wait to fill out my next passport application form. Mother's name: Joan Mavis Trotter; father's name: [[w:Herb Alpert|Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass]].
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Reg''': If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.
:'''Del''': Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(after finding out that his father faked an illness)'' They ran his name through the computer but they didn't have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a ''porter'' called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's [[w:Lambretta|Lambretta]]!!
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==Educational Special (1984)==

===''[[w:Licensed to Drill|Licensed to Drill]]''===

:'''Del''': Don't you get septic with me Rodney!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(pointing to an assortment of household items made from crude oil)'' What have all these things got in common?
:'''Rodney''': They're all nicked?
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==Series 4 (1985)==

===''[[w:Happy Returns|Happy Returns]] [4.1]''===

:'''June''': ''(about her son Jason)'' I think he misses his dad.
:'''Del''': Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight...
<hr width=50%/>

:'''June''': You had a kid brother. Rodney! How is he?
:'''Del''': He's alright. He's just reached that awkward age, you know. He's a bit like a trifle.
:'''June''': What do you mean? All mixed up?
:'''Del''': No, he's thick and fruity.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': What are you up to, Mickey?
:'''Mickey Pearce''': I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning aikido.
:'''Del''': Really? Go on then, say something.
:'''Mickey Pearce''': Eh?
:'''Del''': Say something in Aikido.
:'''Mickey Pearce''': No, it's not a language Del. It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night!
:'''Del''': What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son!
:'''Mickey Pearce''': That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido.
:'''Del''': Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is. It's bullshit!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(about Debbie)'' I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!
:'''Del''': Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!
:'''Rodney''': Bloody hell!
:'''Del''': Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt, your wife would have been your second cousin - God knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Strained Relations|Strained Relations]] [4.2]''===

:'''Albert''': Your name Rodney, son?
:'''Rodney''': Well, it is when Trigger's not about!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Albert''': Do you know I was torpedoed five times?
:'''Rodney''': Yeah?
:'''Albert''': Yeah. Do you know what they called me?
:'''Rodney''': Jonah?
:'''Albert''': No, they didn't call me "Jonah"... Not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Albert''': (heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?
:'''Del''': No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!
:'''Albert''': Yeah but - I'm his brother!
:'''Del''': Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.
:'''Albert''': I understand, Del.
:'''Del''': No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.
''[Rodney enters from the hall carrying the batteries.]''
:'''Rodney''': Oi, where'd you want these then?
:'''Del''': Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney accuses Del of getting over Grandad's death so quickly.]''
:'''Del''': Get over it?! What a plonker you really are, Rodney. Get over it - I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started, bruv! And do you know why? ''Because I don't know how to!!!'' That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy, ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, ''(on the verge of tears)'' and then they break your bloody heart!
:'''Rodney''': ''(whispers)'' I'm sorry.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': I'll have a Malibu & tonic with some lime and half a lager, please, darling.
:'''Maureen (bar maid)''': In the same glass?
:'''Del''': No, in separate glasses if you don't mind.
:'''Maureen (bar maid)''': Well, I don't know, do I? Might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Hole in One (Only Fools and Horses)|Hole in One]] [4.3]''===
:'''Uncle Albert''': ''[shaking his head at Rodney]'' They must have seen him coming! ''[Del enters, glaring at Rodney]''
:'''Del''': Morning unc.
:'''Albert''': Morning son.
:'''Del''': What's it like out?
:'''Albert''': Oh it's parky Del.
:'''Del''': Nice thick frost, is there?
:'''Albert''': Bit slippery under foot.
:'''Del''': Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?
:'''Albert''': Bit of sleet yeah.
:'''Del''': Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
:'''Albert''': Cuts right through yer, Del.
:'''Del''': Lovely. Cos you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's forsight and GCE's, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we're gonna make a right killing! Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got '''''sun tan lotion'''''! And we ain't just a little drop of sun tan lotion... We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff!
:'''Rodney''': I told you before, I bought it as an investment.
:'''Del''': An investment!? ''Menage a trois''! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!
:'''Rodney''': The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!
:'''Del''': Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!
:'''Rodney''': You won't give me no credit will ya?
:'''Albert''': Nor will that Paki.
:'''Rodney''': Shut up Albert!
:'''Albert''': Nothing to do with me.
:'''Del''': That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!
:'''Rodney''': Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?
:'''Del''': ''(incredulous)'' How were you supposed to know that!? '''''You're the firm's accountant, you wally!!!'''''
:'''Rodney''': Throw that at me now will ya?
:'''Del''': Oh look at that! We've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.
:'''Albert''': Well it can't be that bad Del there must be something you can knock out.
:'''Del''': Yeah. I know what I '''would''' like to knock out
:'''Albert''': What's in the van?
:'''Del''': Nothing
:'''Albert''': What's in the garage?
:'''Rodney''': The van.
:'''Del''': The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm waiting for a comeback on ''that''!
:'''Rodney''': ''[gesturing at Albert]'' Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!
:'''Albert''': What's he on about now!?
:'''Del''': Oh, I don't know!
:'''Rodney''': Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!
:'''Del''': Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': I've been thinking...
:'''Del''': Leave it out, Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(after Albert fell down the open cellar door of the Nag's Head)'' There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself.
:'''Del''': How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': The worstest thing of all, Your Honour, is these sudden bouts of amnesia. They have led to him having some very nasty falls.
:'''Judge''': I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall?
:'''Del''': He keeps forgetting he can't walk.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Everybody in the court room, including Rodney and Del, discover that Albert learned how to fall without injuring himself in order to gain compensation.]''
:'''Del''': The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutá.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(about Albert)'' He's been down more holes than [[w:Tony Jacklin|Tony Jacklin]]!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:It's Only Rock and Roll (Only Fools and Horses)|It's Only Rock and Roll]] [4.4]''===

:'''Mental Mickey''': We like looking like this. We're Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah!
:'''Del''': Why do you want to be superstars then?
:'''Mental Mickey''': Because we want to be rich Marxist, Trotskyite anarchists.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(after Rodney gets kicked out of the Bunch of Wallies)'' You didn't honestly believe all that rubbish, did you? That you and them wallies were destined for the [[w:Royal Albert Hall|Albert Hall]], [[w:Carnegie Hall|Carnegie Hall]]! The only hall you were destined for was Sod All.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."
:'''Rodney''': She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?
:'''Del''': What?
:'''Rodney''': Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!
:'''Del''': You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!!!
:'''Rodney''': No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"
:'''Del''': Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Oh great man.
:'''Del''': Oi Ringo. I hope my huffing and puffing ain't troubling you.
:'''Rodney''': No sweat man.
:'''Del''': Well it certainly ain't coming from you ya lazy little git.

===''[[w:Sleeping Dogs Lie (Only Fools and Horses)|Sleeping Dogs Lie]] [4.5]''===

:'''Marlene''': Did you have a nice Christmas?
:'''Del''': Oh, terrific, yeah.
:'''Marlene''': I had a dog.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah? We had a turkey, same as every other year.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Come on, Duke. Come on. Cat! Cat! Meow meow cat!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(about Albert)'' I've said it before, I'll say it again: that man's a right Jonah. I reckon that when he boarded his last ship, the crew shot an albatross for luck.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(about Duke)'' When he's comatose, you know, sleep is the best thing for him.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Hello. Yeah who is it? Boycie ''He turns round sharply'' IT'S BOYCIE!
:'''Del''': Boycie. WHere is he. Has he come back early or something?
:'''Rodney''': So where are you phoning from then Boyce? You're still over there/
''[Dell sighs with relief]''

<hr width=50%/>

''[Marlene comes out with Duke]''
:'''Del''': You never told me it was a [[w:Great Dane|Great Dane]]

===''[[w:Watching the Girls Go By|Watching the Girls Go By]] [4.6]''===

:'''Del''': Remember a couple of months ago, when I took you on that blind date?
:'''Rodney''': Remember it? I'm still having therapy for it?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': I don't know what the younger generation is coming to. They can't even swear without effing and blinding.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:As One Door Closes|As One Door Closes]] [4.7]''===

:'''Rodney''': ''(upon losing a chunk of hair to one of Del's super-sharp combs)'' I'm going bald. Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!
:'''Albert''': That's supposed to be a sign of something.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Denzil''': You want to hear a sob story? I can tell you a sob story. I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me.
:'''Rodney''': No!
:'''Denzil''': Yeah. Every morning she says she's going to leave me and, when I come home at night, she's still there.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Albert''': I can't swim, Del.
:'''Del''': You used to be a sailor.
:'''Albert''': Don't mean a thing. Nelson couldn't swim.
:'''Del''': Of course he couldn't. He only had one bloody arm. He would have gone around in circles, wouldn't he?
<hr width=50%/>

==Christmas Special (1985)==

===''[[w:To Hull and Back|To Hull and Back]]''===

''[Del, Rodney, and Albert are sailing on a boat to Holland, and end up lost in the middle of the North Sea.]''
:'''Rodney''': He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got round here? We could have drifted anywhere by now.
:'''Del''': Yes, he's right and all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currents than a hot-cross bun.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Can't you just find The Bear?
:'''Albert''': Well what does it look like?
:'''Del''': Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it!!!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Well, come on then, look at the stars, and navigate a course, go on!
:'''Albert''': Cor, ain't there a lot of them!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Holland?!
:'''Gas Man''': What!
:'''Del''': Which way to Holland?!
:'''Gas Man''': It's over there!
:'''Del''': Thank you John! ''(to Albert)'' Albert turn left, Holland is that way. ''(to Rodney)'' See Rodney, don't know where to go you just got to ask.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': We got lost in the middle of the north sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and followed it.
:'''Abdul''': And that's how you got to Hull?
:'''Del''': No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!
<hr width=50%/>

==Series 5 (1986)==

===''[[w:From Prussia With Love|From Prussia With Love]] [5.1]''===

''[Anna walks in pregnant. Albert is told to say hello]''
:'''Albert''': Good evening to you all.
<hr width=50%/>

''[In response to Albert suggesting Anna may either have twins, triplets, or quadroplets.]''
:'''Del''': He's right and all. She might be sitting in there with a belly full of people!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(seeing Rodney "playing" with Duke)'' Oi, Rodney! Take your leg out of that dog's mouth, will you?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Although Del promised Boycie a baby boy, he can only deliver a girl.]''
:'''Boycie''': It's amazing, innit? Everything you buy off him has got something missing.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Anna's baby girl turns out to be black, and Marlene wants to keep her.]''
:'''Marlene''': We could say it's a throwback.
:'''Boycie''': I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:The Miracle of Peckham|The Miracle of Peckham]] [5.2]''===

:'''Father O'Keith''': So to what do I owe this honour?
:'''Del''': I have come to confess my sins.
:'''Father O'Keith''': Del, please! I've been invited out to dinner this evening.
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:'''Father O'Keith''': Have you ever been to this church before?
:'''Del''': Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.
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===''[[w:The Longest Night|The Longest Night]] [5.3]''===

''[Del, Rodney, and Albert are paying for their grocery shopping]''
:'''Checkout Girl''': ''(surly)'' £29.48.
:'''Del''': Sorry?
:'''Checkout Girl''': ''(even surlier, with a look of contempt)'' £29.48.
:'''Del''': Did you sue them?
:'''Checkout Girl''': Who?
:'''Del''': The Charm School!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Lennox Gilbey''': You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?
:'''Rodney''': That weren't you, was it?
:'''Lennox Gilbey''': No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to Lennox)'' An hour ago, you were the man of mystery. Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size.
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''[Rodney starts creeping up to the desk, looking like he's going to steal the gun from Lennox.]''
:'''Del''': Rodney, what do you think you're playing at?
:'''Albert''': Come back and sit down, son!
:'''Mr. Peterson (store manager)''': What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!
''[Rodney goes to the desk and picks up the cigarettes instead of the gun and looks very pleased with himself.]''
:'''Del''': You plonker!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to Mr. Peterson)'' So is it Young Lennox, or Old Bill?
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Tea for Three|Tea for Three]] [5.4]''===

''[After Del lies to Lisa that he used to be a Royal Marine Commando, and had a bad landing from a faulty parachute.]''
:'''Lisa''': I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.
:'''Rodney''': He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del proves to know little about hang-gliding.]''
:'''Andy''': We've got some great thermals today.
:'''Del''': Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del returns from hospital in a wheelchair after his hang-gliding trip.]''
:'''Del''': This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.
:'''Trigger''': Still, it could have been worse.
:'''Mike''': How?
:'''Trigger''': My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
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''[After Del accidentally reveals that he was pretending to be paralyzed to make Rodney feel guilty.]''
:'''Del''': Rodney, I was up there for three hours, ''Three bloody hours!'' I did a loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.
:'''Del''': No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unfortunate and ''very'' unsuspecting courting couple!
:'''Rodney''': You're kidding!
:'''Del''': I wish I was! Due to your vicious mind and general "wally-ness", they've had to put their wedding back by six months! And I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra! And that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for the aerial!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Video Nasty (Only Fools and Horses)|Video Nasty]] [5.5]''===

''[Rodney has been asked to make a film, and Del is pitching a less-than-brilliant plot idea.]''
:'''Del''': Right, okay, now this is a ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]''-type story.
:'''Rodney''': ''Jaws''? ''Jaws'' has been done though.
:'''Del''': I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called... "'''''There's a Rhino Loose in the City'''''"!
''[Rodney begins to laugh, then realises Del is deadly serious, and stares at him incredulously.]''
:'''Rodney:''': There's a Rhi... Loose in... As in rhinoceros??
:'''Del''': That's right. "'''''There's a Rhino Loose in the City'''''"!
:'''Albert''': What's it about, Del?
:'''Del''': Well, it's about this rhinoceros, right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London. And after two or three days, they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it. So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of [[w:Charlton Heston|Charlton Heston]] type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's your romantic interest!
:'''Rodney''' ''(still slightly stunned)'' A rhinoceros?
:'''Del''': Yeah! But they don't know it's missing.
:'''Rodney''': But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing.
:'''Del''': Don't be a plonker all your life, Rodney! She ain't got just the one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses.
:'''Albert''': And how's it escape?
:'''Rodney''': Oh, squeezes through the bars, most probably.
:'''Del''': Now don't you start getting saucy with me, Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.
:'''Rodney''': I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?
:'''Del''': Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!
:'''Rodney''': And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in caffs, the people sitting on the tops of buses? It's a ''rhino'', Del!
:'''Del''': He only comes out at night!
:'''Albert''': What is it, a vampire rhino?
:'''Del''': No, it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?
:'''Albert''': And where does he live during the day?
:'''Del''': Er... in a lock-up garage in a back street!
:'''Rodney''': What, he's leasing it, is he?
:'''Del''': No, he is not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! But... the detective does find it, only it's at night!
:'''Albert:''' And the rhino's gone out?
:'''Del''': That's right, see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery. You see what it is Rodney, it is not only a love story! It's a whodunnit!
:'''Rodney''': An whodunnit? What do you mean an whodunnit?! We know who done it! The rhino done it!
:'''Del''': Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors, do they?
:'''Rodney''': Oh, this is something else! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo, there are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints, there's a lock-up garage two and a half foot deep in rhinoceros crap, and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!
:'''Del''': ...Well, I do admit there are one or two teething snags. But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it. I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie!
:'''Rodney''': Disaster? It's a calamity Del!
:'''Albert''': Why is he killing people?
:'''Del''': Well, what do you want him to be, a social worker!? Well, he's a man-eater, ain't he?
:'''Rodney''': No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous. They're vegetarians!
:'''Del''': Alright, so we elbow the lock-up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop!
:'''Rodney''': And he won't head for the city neither.
:'''Albert''': But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people!
:'''Del''': Yeah that's right!
:'''Rodney''': No, his natural habitat would be the open country.
:'''Del''': Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film "'''''There's A Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives!'''''"??
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (Only Fools and Horses)|Who Wants to Be a Millionaire]] [5.6]''===

:'''Jumbo Mills''': You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!
:'''Albert''': Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Jumbo Mills''': A typical Brit! The only thing that works is his mouth.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?
:'''Jumbo Mills''': They'll love you over there. They've got no class!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Australia! Where the men are men.
:'''Albert''': So are the women...
:'''Del''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Albert''' Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney can't go to Australia because of his drug conviction, yet Del is still keen to go without him, much to Rodney's chagrin.]''
:'''Del''': Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!
:'''Rodney''': Sacrifices? For me?
:'''Del''': Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...
:'''Rodney''': Don't start again.
:'''Del''': When she died, who stood by you?
:'''Rodney''': Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"
:'''Del''': And I did, didn't I?
<hr width=50%/>

==Christmas Specials (1986-1988)==

===''[[w:A Royal Flush|A Royal Flush]]''===

:'''Man at the market''': ...They can't be top quality, they're ''too cheap''!
:'''Del''': "Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?
:'''Man at the market''': Here, I'm not a wally!
:'''Del''': No? What are you doing then, an impression?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Shortly after, originating from the background as the scene focuses on Rodney and Victoria]''
:'''Annoying man at the market''': ...yeah but do you get a guarantee?
:'''Del''': You do, yeah you ''do'' get a guarantee, I'll guarantee you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Lady Victoria''': ''(to Rodney)'' "So what's your name?
:'''Rodney''': It's Rodney.
:'''Trigger''': ''(shouts from a distance)'' Alright Dave?
:'''Rodney''': No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Rodney''': People round here don't pay £85 for a painting... People round here don't pay £85 for a car.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del has entered a clay pigeon shoot with a sawn off shotgun at Lady Victoria's house.]''
:'''Rodney''': Oi! Where'd you get that gun?
:'''Del''': Iggy Higgins.
:'''Rodney''': Iggy Higgins robs banks.
:'''Del''': Yeah I know but it's Saturday, innit.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Lord Henry''': ''(after Del tells him that he is related to the Surrey Trotters)'' I don't care if you are related to the Surrey Trotters, the Berkshire Trotters, or the [[w:Harlem Globetrotters|Harlem bloody Globetrotters]]!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:The Frog's Legacy|The Frog's Legacy]]''===
:''Trigger is not enjoying his drink''
:'''Trigger''': Here, Mike, I ordered beer.
:'''Mike''': Don't try to be funny with me, Trigger! I'll tell you this much: I've had certificates for my beer.
:'''Trigger''': Yeah, I've had a few days off work with it an' all.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Del''': Come on Mr Jahan, let's discuss this over a drink, shall we?
:'''Mr. Jahan''': OK, something non alcoholic.
:'''Del''': Mike, a pint of your best Bitter please.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney, talking with Albert about the rumours that Freddie the Frog had an illegitimate child with a local woman, allegedly Rodney's mother]''
:'''Rodney''': Albert, did...
:'''Albert''': They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Trigger''': Hold up, hats off.
:'''Boycie''': Hello, your mini cab's arrived, Albert.
:'''Del''': Boycie!
:'''Trigger''': Is that Dave?
:'''Del''': Yeah.
''[It is indeed Rodney leading the funeral prosession in full Chief Mourner's gear he looks up and sees Del.]''
:'''Rodney''': You git. You rotten '''git'''! You never told me my new job was a '''''chief mourner!!!'''''
:'''Del''': Rodney, please show some respect.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!
:'''Del''': Mr Jahan did.
:'''Uncle Albert''': Grieving relatives did.
:'''Del''': The Flying Eye did.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': How can you be sure it ain't been found!? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold!
:'''Del''': ''(talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddie the Frog)'' And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time!
:'''Albert''': What if the police found it?
:'''Del''': I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers!
:'''Rodney''': ''(incredulous)'' You went and saw the Driscoll Brothers!?
:'''Albert''': Why, what are they like?
:'''Rodney''': Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the [[w:The Two Ronnies|Two Ronnies]]; [[w:Ronnie Biggs|Biggs]] and [[w:Kray twins|Kray]]! And they never sussed out why you were asking questions!?
:'''Del''': No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the ''brains'' of the outfit!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Albert''': If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?
:'''Del''': So I can whack ''you'' on the bloody head with it!
<hr width=50%>

''[When the Trotters now find it impossible to retrieve Freddie the Frog's treasure.]''
:'''Rodney''': Do I look like him?
:'''Albert''': It was just a rumour, son.
:'''Rodney''': Do I look like him?
:'''Albert''': A bit.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': There's gotta be a way! He who dares wins! There's a million quids worth of gold out there - our gold. We can't just say 'bonjour' to it.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Freddie the Frog. Killed himself by sitting on someone else's detonator... What a plonker.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Dates (Only Fools and Horses)|Dates]]''===

''[Mike and Boycie talk about Albert's terrible singing.]''
:'''Mike''': Why does he keep doing it, eh?
:'''Boycie''': God knows. I suppose at some time in his life, someone told him he could play the piano.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing!
<hr width=50%/>

==Series 6 (1989)==

===''[[w:Yuppy Love|Yuppy Love]] [6.1]''===

:'''Del''': You've always been the same, even at school. Nothing but books, learning, education. That's why you're no good at snooker.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': All the things we've ever got from life has come from my intelligence, and my foresight.
:'''Rodney''': Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...
:'''Uncle Albert''': And fifteen minutes from the ground.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to Trigger at the bar in a yuppy club)'' I think we're on a winner here Trig, play it nice and cool son, nice and cool. You know what I mean? ''(falls through bar)'' Drink up Trig, we're leaving.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Well it was one Sunday many years ago!
:'''Rodney''': Where was I?
:'''Del''': You was down the Mountbatten estate selling them gas conversion kits.
:'''Rodney''': ''You bastard!!!'' You sent me all the way down there knowing I had chicken pox just so you and Annie bleedin' Oakley could have the flat to yourselves.
:'''Del''':It weren't like that Rodders! I was trying to present you with a challenge.
:'''Rodney''': What, selling gas conversion kits on an all electric estate? That is a challenge and a half.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mickey Pearce''': Jevon! Jevon!
:'''Jevon''': What?
:'''Mickey Pearce''': See the blonde bird? I've had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She's crazy about me! Phones me all the time.
:'''Jevon''': You're one hell of a man, Mickey.
:'''Rodney''': Mickey, are you doing this for charity?
:'''Mickey Pearce''': What d'you mean?
:'''Rodney''': Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit.
:'''Mickey Pearce''': I'm telling you the truth, Rodney!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Danger UXD|Danger UXD]] [6.2]''===

:'''Del''': It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.
:'''Uncle Albert''': Amazing!
:'''Del''': Yeah, nothing but the best.
:'''Uncle Albert''': How does it know when you're on holiday?
:'''Del''': You send it a postcard, don't you?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Uncle Albert''': I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?
:'''Del''': Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! ''Rodney!'' Come along, it's gone six o'clock!
:'''Rodney''': Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?
:'''Del''': Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del has just taken delivery of several boxes of blow up dolls, thinking they were children's dolls.]''
:'''Rodney''': Del, these dolls ain't called [[w:Barbie|Barbie]] or [[w:Sindy|Sindy]]. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
:'''Del''': You can't have dolls with names like that.
:'''Rodney''': You can if you go to the right shops!
<hr width=50%/>

''[The Trotters discover the blow up dolls.]''
:'''Del''': Bloody hell! What have ''we'' got ourselves into here?
:'''Rodney''': Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences!
:'''Del''': That's because I've got a high profile!
:'''Rodney''': Yeah! High profile and low forehead!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Albert doesn't quite understand the concept of the blow up dolls.]''
:'''Uncle Albert''': They're big for little dolls, ain't they?
:'''Rodney''': Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... ''magazines''.
:'''Uncle Albert''': ''(starts to hunt around the living room)'' Where's that ''[[w:Radio Times|Radio Times]]''?
:'''Rodney''': Albert, have a day off, will you! I mean... seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.
:'''Uncle Albert''': You're pulling my leg!
:'''Rodney''': Oh, am I? You have a look at this, then! ''(produces an adult magazine from his jacket)''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? [[w:World War III|World War III]]! This plonker can't even get Channel Three!
:'''Rodney''': Have you actually read the instructions to your video recorder?
:'''Del''': No I haven't actually read them why?
:'''Rodney''': Well why don't you do that small thing Derek? I think you'll find it really interesting. Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English. And that's why you're machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in ''Europe''
:'''Del''': But we are in Europe. We're in the common market aren't we?
:'''Rodney''': Yes I know that but we have a different electrical system to the rest of Europe. And that's why you're machine's on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as "knackered."
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Mike''': What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat. At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh!
:'''Boycie''': It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I ''have'' a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
:'''Trigger''': How is he?
:'''Boycie''': A lot richer than ''before'' he popped in to see me this afternoon. He sold me some video recorders, 70 pounds each, I snapped them up.
:'''Mike''': 70 nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?
:'''Boycie''': If they did, they were going around the bend in [[w:Düsseldorf|Düsseldorf]]!
:'''Mike''': How'd you mean?
:'''Boycie''': I've just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system, would take a transformer the size of a suitcase, and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go head-hunting at [[w:Cape Canaveral|Cape Canaveral]]!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?
:'''Albert''': It's cause I can't get any food in that freezer it's filled up with tomatoes he bought last week.

===''[[w:Chain Gang (Only Fools and Horses)|Chain Gang]] [6.3]''===

:'''Del''': Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to meet you. Rodney has told me all about you. Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.
:'''Cassandra''': That's very nice of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him... until now.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Arnie''': Doctors gave me six months to live.
:'''Trigger''': Well, you don't want to take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(upon seeing the chains)'' What'd you do, rob [[w:Mr. T|Mr. T]]?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to Boycie when Arnie has his "heart attack" in the restaurant)'' It's Arnie, he's having a Connery!
<hr width=50%/>

''[When Arnie collapses from his "heart attack".]''
:'''Boycie''': Don't panic. I am a doctor. Stand aside, stand aside, let the dog see the rabbit. ''(checks Arnie's pulse)'' Oh yes, very nasty he needs an operation. ''(searches Arnie's pockets for the key to his handcuff)''
:'''Old Woman''': He's not a doctor. He's mugging the poor man.
''[A large Greek man steps forward and grabs Boycie by the lapels.]''
:'''Boycie''': Oi!
:'''Greek Man''': You... ''(punches Boycie on the nose)''
:'''Old Woman''': Call the police.
:'''Restaurant Manager''': Yes madam, I call the police.
:'''Del''': It's all right they'll be no need. I am an officer of the law.
:'''Woman''': ''(looking at Del's height)'' Policemen are taller than that.
:'''Del''': I'm a small town policeman. All right sunshine you are knicked. ''(grabs Boycie and takes him out of the restaurant)'' Come on, out you go! Rest assured madam when we get him down the police station, we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Come on you!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Denzil''': ''(to Arnie's sons, Gary and Stephen)'' Wotcha fellas!
:'''Stephen''': What's happening?
:'''Denzil''': Get in! ''(before climbing into back of the ambulance behind Gary and Stephen and locking the doors).''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(threatening to hurt Arnie with a set of vicious-looking bolt cutters)'' Calm down, Arnie, calm down! You'll give yourself a heart attack!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:The Unlucky Winner Is...|The Unlucky Winner Is...]] [6.4]''===

''[Albert is forced to help Del out with carrying boxes of hooky gear since Rodney is at the Nag's Head with Cassandra.]''
:'''Albert''': Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me.
:'''Del''': ''(under his breath, mocking Albert)'' They've got no respect these days.
:'''Albert''': They've got no respect these days.
:'''Del''': ''(under his breath, mocking Albert)'' You fought in the war, didn't you?
:'''Albert''': I fought in the war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. And what do they do with their freedom?
:'''Del''': ''(under his breath, mocking Albert)'' Anything they bloody like!
:'''Albert''': Anything they bloody like!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del, Rodney, and Cassandra have arrived in Spain.]''
:'''Del''': Hang on a minute, just before you go and check in - this prize ain't quite as straightforward as it seems.
:'''Cassandra''': Well he did win, didn't he?
''[Rodney is staring, distracted, at all the other winners]''
:'''Del''': Oh yes, yes, he won and all that, and it's all pukka and above board, and we're here...
:'''Cassandra''': So what's the problem?
:'''Rodney''': That's strange, you know.
:'''Cassandra''': What?
:'''Rodney''': Well, I noticed it on the plane, but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads - they've all got their kids with them.
:'''Cassandra''': What's strange about that?
:'''Rodney''': Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents.
:'''Del''': No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney... It's the kids.
:'''Cassandra''': What do you mean?
:'''Del''': Well Rodney's painting won first prize... in an under 15 year old category.
:'''Rodney''': ''(stunned)'' Say again?
:'''Cassandra''': So they think Rodney's 15?!
:'''Rodney''': Is that right?
:'''Del''': No. They think you're 14.
:'''Rodney''': 14? ''(to Cassandra)'' They think I'm 14!!!
:''[Cassandra dissolves into giggles.]''
:'''Rodney''': Why didn't you tell me this back in England?
:'''Del''': Well I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I didn't know there were lots of categories, but you're the one who wrote on it, "Rodney Trotter, aged 14 1/2", so the organisers must have put you in the kids category. So it's ''your'' fault, that you wrote on it.
:'''Rodney''': But how was I to know that in 12 years' time, you were going to enter it into a cornflake competition?
:'''Del''': Well how was ''I'' supposed to know that you'd win? Come on Rodney, it doesn't matter, you're going to waltz through it!
:'''Rodney''': ''Waltz'' through it?! - how the hell am I gonna pass for 14?!
:''[Cassandra is beside herself with laughter.]''
:'''Rodney''': ''(icily)'' Will you ''stop'' doing that, Cassandra.
:'''Cassandra''': ''(calming down)'' Sorry.
:'''Rodney''': Act your age.
:''[This sets Cassandra off into an even bigger fit of laughter.]''
:'''Rodney''': ''(to Del)'' This is your fault. I am going to break your ''bloody neck!''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Go on then, Rodney, off you go.
:'''Rodney''': Eh?
:'''Del''': Go on, you're going with the Groovy Gang!
:'''Rodney''': I ain't going with the sodding Groovy Gang!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Rodney''': Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra.
:'''Cassandra''': What bad language?
:'''Rodney''': ''(through the door to Del)'' GET IN HERE NOW, YOU DIPSTICK! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Rodney''': Del Boy, thanks to you, I am now a 26-year-old man who has come second in a skateboarding competition!
:'''Del''': Second? You was in the lead when I saw you!
:'''Rodney''': ...I fell off.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Sickness and Wealth|Sickness and Wealth]] [6.5]''===

:'''Del''': There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.
:'''Uncle Albert''': When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.
:'''Del''': "You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!
:'''Rodney''': I thought it was only women who got that?
:'''Del''': No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Elsie Patridge''': The spirits are with us. A man has stepped forward. A tall, elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat. He wished to speak to someone called Audrey... No, no Aubrey.
:'''Del''': Aubrey?
:'''Boycie''': I am here.
:'''Rodney''': Aubrey?
:'''Boycie''': It's my middle name.
:'''Trigger''': You never said your name was Aubrey.
:'''Boycie''': Nor would ''you'' if your name was Aubrey.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Boycie''': This piece of paper. It's not a log book for a [[w: Ford Cortina|Cortina]] is it?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Elsie Patridge''': ''(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father)'' He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.
:'''Boycie''': Is he having a pop at me or something?
:'''Uncle Albert''': Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.
:'''Del''': Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.
:'''Mike''': The hospital have just about given up with him.
:'''Trigger''': He's ''low'' on something.
:'''Boycie''': ''(completely furious)'' Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.
:'''Del''': All right calm down. ''(grins)'' Aubrey.
:'''Boycie''': You can pack ''that'' in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink ''[He rises]'' It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. ''[He considers]'' Excuse me.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Dr. Robbie Meadows''': You've got to make a decision, Mr Trotter: we can either save you or the baby.
:'''Del''': Robbie Meadows, you old git.
:'''Dr. Robbie Meadows''': Del please.
:'''Del''': Sorry. ''Doctor'' Meadows, you old git. What you doing here?
:'''Dr. Robbie Meadows''': I've got good news and bad news Del. The good news is they put me in charge of your case.
:'''Del''': What's the bad news?
:'''Dr. Robbie Meadows''': I specialise in [[w:amputation|amputation]].
:'''Del''': Good one. So how come you're in charge?
:'''Dr. Robbie Meadows''': Accident really. I was chatting to some collegues when the name Derek Trotter came up, so I asked to see your GP's notes and look at your tests. I was amazed, I found myself reading about this non smoking, tee-total, celibate, vegetarian health freak. I thought to myself can this be the same Derek Trotter I know and begrudginly admire? That wheeling dealing Pina Colada lout, the Castella king, the curry coniseur, the same man who's lived his life on fast food, fried bread and doubtful women?
:'''Del''': Was it?
:'''Dr. Robbie Meadows''': Yeah it was.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Elsie goes into a trance, leaning back, groaning and shutting her eyes.]''
:'''Del''': What's she doing?
:'''Trigger''': She's going like this... ''(shuts his eyes, leans back and groans)''

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Del''': You know who that is don't ya?
:'''Trigger''': Sounds like [[w:Jimmy Saville|Jimmy Saville]]
''[Rodney glares at Trigger]''
:'''Del''': Jimmy Saville? That is our mother
:'''Trigger''': Sorry Del Boy. Dave.
:'''Rodney''': ''[scornfully]'' Jimmy Saville.
:'''Del''': That's right bruv. Cheek.

===''[[w:Little Problems|Little Problems]] [6.6]''===

''[Del and Alan are discussing Rodney and Cassandra's upcoming wedding.]''
:'''Alan''': You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean, champagne, caviar, country clubs...
:'''Del''': Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect.
''[Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very elaborate, exotic looking cocktail for Del (it's more like a floral tribute).]''
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Mike''': Listen, I’ve er heard of the Driscoll brothers Del but I’ve never seen them. What do they look like?
:'''Boycie''': Well one of them looks like he was evicted from The Planet of the Apes
:'''Del''': Yeah, and the other one reminds me of [[w:Cliff Richard|Cliff Richards]]
:'''Mike''': What, he looks er younger than his years?
:'''Del''': No, he’s got one of those faces that you wanna slap

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Del Boy''': ''[to Mickey and Jevon, after learning the Driscoll brothers are after him thanks to them]'' If I end up propping up a flyover on the M26, I guarantee you two will be at the next junction!

''[The Driscoll Brothers arrive at the Nag's Head.]''
:'''Danny''': Boycie, how nice!
:'''Boycie''': Hello Danny. Your brother not with you?
:'''Danny''': Yeah. ''(Tony pops out from behind him)''
:'''Boycie''': Oh watcha Tony. Drink?
:'''Tony''': Nah! That right, Marlene's up the spout?
:'''Boycie''': Yeah.
:'''Danny''': Dear dear dear. You let us know the minute you find out who done it and we'll sort him out.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Danny''': Del Boy around?
:'''Mike''': No, I ain't seen him this evening.
:'''Danny''': Well that's funny his van's in the car park and what's this? A castella and a Malibu Reef? You sure he ain't around. Think hard, Guv'nor.
:'''Mike''': Well he may have been in earlier and then he left.
:'''Danny''': I see, you just had this place decorated?
:'''Mike''': ''(proudly)'' Yeah.
:'''Danny''': Shame. I want to buy everyone in the pub a drink, whatever they want. Now there's a pound, and I want change.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Tony''': You owe us £2000. You got the money?
:'''Del''': Course I ain't. I ain't sold the phones yet have?
:'''Danny''': Don't give me all that Derek. Them two munchkins Ebony and Ivory took the phones off us three months ago.
:'''Del''': Three months? I didn't know that Danny.
:'''Danny''': Do you think we're stupid? ''(Del doesn't answer)'' Do you think I'm stupid? If you don't cough up that two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you! ''(Tony grins at Del menacingly)''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Danny''': When Tony and me were kids, we was very very poor. Our old man used to work in on of them old mansion houses. He worked from 6 in the morning til 8 at night and what for? A pittance.
:'''Tony''': A shilling a day and an horseshit sandwich.
:'''Danny''': One day, there was a robbery at the mansion, and the Bill arrested our old man and there wasn't any evidence was there?
:'''Tony''': Just finger prints.
:'''Danny''': Just finger prints.
:'''Tony ''': And eye witnesses.
:'''Danny''': A Couple of eye witnesses. They found the jewels on him.
:'''Tony''': It was a plant.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Marlene''': I didn't know Rodney's middle name was Charlton.
:'''Del''': Oh yeah, it was me mum. She was a fan.
:'''Marlene''': Oh what, Charlton Heston?
:'''Del''': No, Charlton Athletic.
<hr width=50%/>

==Christmas Specials (1989-1990)==

===''[[w:The Jolly Boys' Outing|The Jolly Boys' Outing]]''===

:'''Rodney''': You don't like baseball, you always called it "silly boys rounders".
:'''Del''': Yeah, that's before i knew that it was in, now-a-days it's the kinda game that guys like me and Steven enjoy
:'''Steven''': What do you mean "Guys like me and Steven"?
:'''Del''': Well, yuppies.
:'''Steven''': Yupp... Derek, I am not a yuppie!
:'''Del''': You are Steven.
:'''Steven''': No, no I'm...
:'''Del''': No take it from me son, you are!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Brandy please, Pamela.
:'''Pamela''': Armagnac?
:'''Del''': Yeah, that'll do fine if you're out of Brandy.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Stephen''': And Africa is where it's at. Recently Joanne and I spent little time down in Afrique sur-mer.
:'''Del''': Fabrique belgique.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del, Rodney, Uncle Albert, Cassandra, her parents and her boss, Stephen, are playing Trivial Pursuit.]''
:'''Stephen''': What is a female swan called?
''[Albert hints that it's a three-letter word; Rodney rattles a Biro in his mouth.]''
:'''Del''': Got it. It's a bic.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Jevon''': You've got to give it to Del Boy, he did all the catering by himself.
:'''Mickey Pearce''': Leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.
:'''Trigger''': No, I made them for him. ''(Rodney reacts)''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Sid''': ''(annoyed that he wasn't asked by Del to make the sandwiches)'' I run a cafe, so why didn't you ask me to make the sandwiches?
:'''Del''': The explanation is simple. We intend to eat them.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Alan''': ''(when Harry, the coach driver, suddenly becomes drunk)'' It's no problem. You just chuck him on the back seat, let him sleep it off.
:'''Boycie''': Chuck him on the back seat? He's the driver!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Mike and Trigger help Harry onto the coach.]''
:'''Trigger''': What d'you think's wrong with him?
:'''Mike''': What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.
:'''Trigger''': Yeah? I thought he was pissed.
<hr width=50%/>

''[The Jolly Boys' coach has blown up due to Del's faulty radio. Rodney is watching the explosion from inside a telephone booth.]''
:'''Rodney''': Cass? You still there? Our coach has just blown up!
<hr width=50%/>

''[The Jolly Boys find out that the last bus has left and the trains are on strike.]''
:'''Uncle Albert''': I remember once just after the war.
:'''Rodney''': Oh don't start, Unc!
:'''Mickey''': We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!
:'''Del''': Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!
:'''Uncle Albert''': I fought for free speech!
:'''Del''': ''(to Albert, venomously)'' Shut up!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to Rodney, who just got thrown out by Cassandra for punching her boss on the nose)'' Alright bruv, sort it all out?
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Rodney Come Home|Rodney Come Home]]''===

''[After a row with Cassandra, Rodney storms back into Del's flat, interrupting a romantic meal Del and Raquel are having.]''
:'''Rodney''': That's it! Finished! Kaput! That was her last chance!
:'''Raquel''': Good evening, Rodney.
:'''Rodney''': I have never been so insulted in my life!
:'''Del''': Well sit down bruv, let me have a go!
<hr width=50%/>

''[When Rodney storms back to Nelson Mandela House after having an argument with Cassandra.]''
:'''Raquel''': Rodney, you'll have to at least talk to her sooner or later. There'll be things to be discussed.
:'''Del''': Yeah, like who gets custody of Barbie and Ken.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(in the kitchen, talking to Rodney about why Raquel is sleeping in Rodney's bedroom)'' You don't get it, do you? You see Raquel, Raquel is a ''lady'', and when a lady's ready to to... well when she's ''ready'' to, she will let me know.
:'''Rodney''': How?
:'''Del''': She'll give me a sign.
:'''Rodney''': Like what?
:'''Del''': I don't know?
:'''Rodney''': Maybe she'll put an advertisment in the ''Sunday Sport'', eh?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Me wife doesn't love me, me mum's left me, and some bastard's nicked me bike.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney and Del's arguing in the hallway has woken up a neighbour, who politely reminds them of the time.]''
:'''Neighbour''': Erm, it's gone midnight!
:'''Del''': ''(waving his fist in a threatening manner)'' Well go back to bed then.
<hr width=50%/>

''[A frustrated Rodney is furious with Del for telling Cassandra about his originally planned movie date as the two stand outside in the street in the dark.]''
:'''Del''': Look, is there anything I can do to help?
:'''Rodney''': Yes, piss off!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney and Del are rowing outside Rodney's flat]''
:'''Rodney''': Well thanks to you, my wife now thinks I'm having a passionate affair with the siren of the exhaust centre, ''and'' you've offended my neighbours!
:'''Woman''': People are trying to sleep!
:'''Rodney''': ''Shut up!''
<hr width=50%/>

==Series 7 (1990-1991)==

===''[[w:The Sky's the Limit (Only Fools and Horses)|The Sky's the Limit]] [7.1]''===

:'''Raquel''': Hello Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in?
:'''Boycie''': Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': I feel like I've taken a mountain to Muhammad to find out he's already bloody got one.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Bronco''': I am not a cowboy!
:'''Boyce''': Not a cowboy? I've got spur marks on my grandfather clock
:'''Bronco''': Nobody's ever called me that before, I am not a cowboy!
:'''Del''': Bronco!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Raquel''': The doctor told you to stay off fried food.
:'''Del''': Yes, I know, and the Doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit. But we all know what happened to that poor old cow.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(after a failed attempt to call Cassandra's dad, Alan)'' He's not in. He's probably gone to Manchester to pick up Cassandra, and she will tell him I've booked into a hotel with another woman. He will fire me, she will divorce me, ''(to Uncle Albert)'' And it's all your fault! ''(To Del)'' And yours!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:The Chance of a Lunchtime|The Chance of a Lunchtime]] [7.2]''===

:'''Raquel''': The tour doesn't start for another three months.
:'''Del''': Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?
:'''Raquel''': Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del standing by Rodney and Albert pointing to Raquel]''
:'''Del''': How many people can you see standing there?
''[Albert and Rodney look at each other]''
:'''Uncle Albert''': Well... one.
:'''Del''': I can see - two.
''[Del and Raquel smile lovingly at each other and embrace]''
:'''Rodney''': You know what that means, Albert?
:'''Uncle Albert''': No.
:'''Rodney''': Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Stage Fright (Only Fools and Horses)|Stage Fright]] [7.3]''===
:''[Back at the flat after the performance]''
:'''Raquel''': You bastard! You just walked out and left us!
:'''Del''': What else could I do? I could hardly go up to Eugene's table and go "Ha, ha! That was alright. Different, weren't it?" Did you finish the performance?
:'''Raquel''': Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death. "Please Welease Me", "Congwatulations", and "The Gween Gween Gwass of Home"!'''
:'''Rodney''': And that was followed by a medley of wock and woll! ''[bursts out laughing]''
:'''Del''': ''[coldly]'' That is not funny, Wodney- Rodney!

:'''Albert''': Who's there?
:'''Tony Angelino''': Can I speak to Mr. Twotter?
:'''Raquel''': It's Tony, let him in.
:'''Tony Angelino''': I've come for me money.
:'''Del''': All right, not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.
:'''Tony Angelino''': No. Not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepotoire that you - YOU -insisted on.
:'''Del''': I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's!
:'''Tony Angelino''': What does that matter?
:'''Albert''': Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.
:'''Tony Angelino''': I don't sing songs with R's in. And if the song has got an R in it, I change the lywics.
:'''Del''': Then why didn't you change the ''lywics'' tonight?
:'''Tony Angelino''': How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"?! The bloody song's ''called'' "Cwying"!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Tony Angelino''': We signed a contwact.
:'''Del''': Ah yes, but my brother drew up that contract, and he put in a get out clause, didn't you, Rodney?
:'''Rodney''': No.
:'''Del''': Then why didn't you?
:'''Rodney''': You didn't tell me to. I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Tony Angelino''': No-one who pwonounces R's like me has ever become successful.
:'''Albert''': There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
:'''Tony Angelino''': Exactly!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:The Class of '62|The Class of '62]] [7.4]''===

:'''Trigger''': Give me a lift home will you Boyce?
:'''Denzil''': Yeah me too Boycie.
:'''Boycie''': Oh yes of course I'm running a bleedin' minicab service these days ain't I?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del, Boycie, & Denzil''': Trigger!
:'''Trigger''': Alright.
:'''Del''': Was it you Trig? Was it you who organised all this?
:'''Boycie''': Oh turn it up, Del Boy. Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.
:'''Trigger''': I got lost on me way here.
:'''Denzil''': How could you get lost? You've been coming to this pub since you were 16!
:'''Trigger''': No, I found the pub alright. I meant I couldn't find this room. ''(to Mike)'' I've been in your dance hall for the last hour.
:'''Mike''': But all the lights are out!
:'''Trigger''': I know.
:'''Boycie''': You've been standing in the dark for an hour?
:'''Trigger''': Yeah I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone.
:'''Mike''': But there was no-one else in there.
:'''Trigger''': But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out. ''(to Rodney)'' How you going, Dave?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': As I was saying. On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, someone has arranged for you four to be here in in this room - together. No-one knows who. And the most frightening aspect of the whole mystery - no-one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that?
''[The four look at each other.]''
:'''Trigger''': [[w:Jeremy Beadle|Jeremy Beadle]]?
:'''Boycie''': Jeremy bloody Beadle?!?
:'''Rodney''': Don't be stupid!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': This is bit like one of them [[w:Agatha Christie|Agatha Christie]] films innit.
:'''Trigger''': Yeah I used to fancy her.
:'''Rodney''': You used to fancy Agatha Christie?
:'''Trigger''': Yeah, I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall.
:'''Denzil''': She was an old lady, old English country gardens, and granny hats.
:'''Del''': Yeah she looked a bit like [[w:Mr Kipling|Mr. Kipling]]'s bit on the side.
:'''Trigger''': Well I fancied her. I saw her in that film ''[[w:Doctor Zhivago (film)|Doctor Zhivago]]''.
:'''Boycie''': That's [[w:Julie Christie|''Julie'' Christie]], you berk!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Roy Slater''': While I was inside, I found Jesus!
:'''Del''': What had they fitted him up with?
:'''Slater''': To be more precise, Jesus found me...round about the time I got a message to say my old man had passed away.
:'''Del''': I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.
:'''Slater''': Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.
:'''Trigger''': Why didn't you?
:'''Denzil''': Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!
:'''Trigger''': Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.
:'''Slater''': I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...
:'''Denzil''': And he wouldn't let you go?
:'''Slater''': Not after what that old cow put in her letter!

:'''Albert''': Who's Rachel?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Roy Slater''': Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?
:'''Rodney''': I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid "Dick", is it?
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle|He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle]] [7.5]''===

:'''Raquel''': ''(about the women in the over-60's club)'' You should have more respect Mike. Those women went through the war for us.
:'''Boycie''': Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Raquel''': ''(when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia)'' Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?
:'''Del''': Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?
:'''Rodney''': There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.
:'''Boycie''': That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!
:'''Rodney''': They were yesterday's newspapers!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Boycie''': I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said "Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon."
:'''Del''': I got you two tickets!
:'''Boycie''': That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Three Men, a Woman and a Baby|Three Men, a Woman and a Baby]] [7.6]''===

:'''Del''': Ever since you went vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.
:'''Raquel''': There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.
:'''Rodney''': That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.
:'''Del''': Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.
:'''Rodney''': I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mike''': So?
:'''Trigger''': What?
:'''Mike''': What name have they decided on?
:'''Trigger''': If it's a girl they're calling her "Sigourney" after [[w:Sigourney Weaver|an actress]], and if it's a boy they're naming him "Rodney" after Dave.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.
:'''Trigger''': They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.
:'''Mike''': So what happened Trig?
:'''Trigger''': He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
:'''Albert''': What, he was gonna drive off it?
:'''Trigger''': Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.
:'''Del''': But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.
:'''Rodney''': No! Who held the whip-round?
:'''Del''': All the passengers on his bus.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': No, it's a boy alright. ''[[w:Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]]'' was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. they're bound to call it Damien.
:'''Albert''': ''(as if to cheer Rodney up)'' They were thinking of calling him "Rodney".
:'''Rodney''': Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Raquel is in labour, in the hospital delivery room. There is a knock at the door]''
:'''Del''': Who is it, friend or enema? ''[laughs]'' Get it? - friend or enema!
:'''Raquel''': Shut up, Del.
:'''Del''': Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. ''[opens the door to find Albert]''
:'''Albert''': The specialists are on their way, Del.
:'''Del''': Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.
''[A female nurse enters the room, followed by a male nurse]''
:'''Del''': Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.
:'''Midwife''': I know. That's why I'm here.
:'''Del''': What are you, a pervo, or something?!
:'''Nurse''': This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.
:'''Del''': But he's a bloke!
:'''Midwife''': I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.
''[Del bars the door]''
:'''Raquel''': ''[panting]'' Just let him do his job, Del.
:'''Del''': No, he's a bloke!
:'''Raquel''': I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!
<hr width=50%/>

''[After Del has said he can see the baby's head]''
:'''Rodney''': Is it... normal?
:'''Del''': What do you mean, normal?
:'''Rodney''': No... numbers or anything?
:'''Del''': What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': It's a baby, Raquel.
:'''Raquel''': I've been wondering what that swelling was.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(to his newborn son, Damien)'' I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it's all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year, we'll be millionaires.
<hr width=50%/>

==Christmas Specials (1991-2003)==

===''[[w:Miami Twice|Miami Twice]]''===

''[The Trotter Brothers and Boycie's family are escaping the Mafia in the Florida Everglades.]''
:'''Boycie''': Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...
:'''Marlene''': ''(cuts in)'' Shut up moaning.
:'''Boycie''': And then ''they'' (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!
:'''Marlene''': You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!
:'''Boycie''': Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Mother Nature's Son (Only Fools and Horses)|Mother Nature's Son]]''===

:'''Albert''': You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.
:'''Rodney''': Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert?
:'''Albert''': When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!
:'''Rodney''': You must have made more bloody noise than me then!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Denzil''': That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody [[w:Albert Einstein|Einstein]]!
:'''Trigger''': Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what [[w:Brian Epstein|the Beatles' manager]] has got to do with it anyway.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Denzil''': This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!
:'''Del''': No, honest, its not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the [[w:Starship Enterprise|Starship Enterprise]]!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Trigger''': When we were at school Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.
:'''Denzil''': Yes I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del, Trigger, and Denzil arrive at the council waste disposal depot, only to find it closed.]''
:'''Del''': It's closed!
:'''Trigger''': ''(checks watch)'' Well, it's a bit late, innit?.
:'''Del''': What d'you mean "a bit late"? You said it was open twenty four hours a day.
:'''Trigger''': Yeah, but not at night!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': We are not dealing with a normal person; ''this is'' '''''Derek Trotter'''''! Don't you understand, he is sucking the land ''dry''! I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Myles''': First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
:'''Del''': Well, it's this - earthy sort.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Well Trigger could be considered an expert.
:'''Mike''': Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.
<hr width=50%>

===''[[w:Fatal Extraction|Fatal Extraction]]''===

:'''Sid''': There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.
:'''Denzil''': Cheers Sid. ''(looks at his bowl of porridge)'' There's a hair in this.
:'''Sid''': Give it here.
:'''Denzil''': Here's another one.
:'''Sid''': Give it here.
:'''Denzil''': That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this, they'd close you down.
:'''Sid''': I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. ''(to Trigger)'' I hate these politically correct people.
:'''Trigger''': Yeah.
:'''Sid''': What'll it be Trig?
:'''Trigger''': Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(when Del says that he enjoys hanging with his friends rather than spending time with Raquel and Damien)'' Just who are your mates, Del? Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, Trigger is a roadsweeper who gives pet names to his teeth, and then we have Boycie the freemason, a total snob who thinks anyone with a quid less than him is a peasant.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Why do women always want to know what time you got in? They say to you "What time did you get in last night?" and you go about "Quarter past twelve." and they go "No it weren't, it was twenty to two." You think well why bloody ask?
:'''Mike''': Exactly. I came home one night and my missus says "Where you living now?" I said "Here." She said "No you ain't!" and threw me suitcase at me.
''[A beat.]''
:'''Mike, Boycie, Del, & Denzil''': Why ask?
:'''Trigger''': Why ask?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him)'' Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!
:'''Beverly''': ''(to a patient)'' Mr. James. ''(to Del)'' What's wrong with you, you moron?
''[Trigger approaches the desk as she says this.]''
:'''Trigger''': Oh just a couple of fillings.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Heroes and Villains (Only Fools and Horses)|Heroes and Villains]]''===

:'''Albert''': ''(when Damien throws the ball into his bedroom)'' ''Little git!'' ''(walks into the living room)'' I fought for this country shot and shell on how they treat you, ain't bloody fair, eh.
<hr width=75%/>

:'''Trigger''': And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had [[w:Ship of Theseus|17 new heads and 14 new handles]] in its time.
:'''Sid''': How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?
:'''Trigger''': There’s the picture. What more proof do you need?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Dressed as Batman and Robin, Del and Rodney find out the fancy dress party is cancelled]''
:'''Rodney''': We were running in here going ''[impersonating Batman theme]'' da na na na na na na na na, and everything!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(dressed as [[w:Robin (comics)|Robin]])'' We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
:'''Trigger''': Me either.
:'''Rodney''': You mean, that's your costume?
:'''Trigger''': Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. ''(thinks)'' I feel a bit stupid now.
:'''Del''': ''(dressed as [[w:Batman|Batman]])'' Yeah, you do stand out a bit.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Modern Men (Only Fools and Horses)|Modern Men]]''===

:'''Raquel''': You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!
:'''Cassandra''': Ooh [[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]].
:'''Rodney''': Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.
:'''Cassandra''': Yes, haven't I just?
:'''Del''': Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
:'''Raquel''': Oh shut up.
:'''Del''': No, you could.
:'''Raquel''': Don't be silly.
:'''Del''': I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': One day, they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family. Then as a sequel, they could do ''[[w:Schindler's List|Schindler's List]] on Ice''!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Cassandra, we are talking about Derek Trotter. To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': ''(wearing a "Trotter crash-turban")'' I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!
:'''Albert''': During the war...
:'''Del''': ''Will you shut up!?'' Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Time On Our Hands|Time On Our Hands]]''===

:'''Del''': ''(talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage)'' Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
:'''Raquel''': ''He's'' got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? ''She's'' the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.
:'''Del''': Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Albert''': During the...
:'''Del''': If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!
:'''Albert''': I wasn't gonna say "During the war..."!
:'''Del''': Well that's alright then.
:'''Albert''': Bloody little know-it-all.
:'''Del''': Alright, sorry.
:'''Albert''': Thank you. During the [[w:World War II|1939-1945 conflict with Germany]]...''[Del glowers at him]''
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney and Del are stuck in the lift, and Del is "claustrophobic" and acting all immature.]''
:'''Rodney''': I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.
:'''Del''': Yes, well you don't know how I feel! ''(kicks the door a couple of times)'' I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!
:'''Rodney''': I don't know what it's like?! How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?
:'''Del''': I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!
:'''Rodney''': Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! Do you know what I did last night?
:'''Del''': No, but I bet it was depressing!
:'''Rodney''': I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
:'''Del''': See, I was right!
:'''Rodney''': No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.
:'''Del''': Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how [[w:Right Said Fred|Right Said Fred]] must feel.
:'''Rodney''': Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly ''[[w:Happy Families|Happy Families]]'' became ''[[w:Dungeons & Dragons|Dungeons and Dragons]]''. ''(crying)'' And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.
:'''Del''': Is Cassandra hurting?
:'''Rodney''': Well of course she is!
:'''Del''': How do you know? You haven't talked to her about it.
:'''Rodney''': No, and do you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.
:'''Del''': But it is.
:'''Rodney''': I know! I know. But if I don't say it...
:'''Del''': If you don't say what?
:'''Rodney''': We lost our baby!
:'''Del''': But you did - and now you've said it.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I?
:'''Del''': In a way. And what about Cassandra?
:'''Rodney''': Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie.
:'''Del''': Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.
''[Del and Rodney both laugh.]''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.
:'''Del''': No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.
:'''Del''': Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.
:'''Rodney''': What do I say to her?
:'''Del''': Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.
:'''Del''': Oh yeah. ''(stands up and opens the control panel)'' Let's have a look in here.
:'''Rodney''': Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?
:'''Del''': Yeah well, got over the worst of it.
:'''Rodney''': ''(stands up)'' Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
:'''Del''': Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. ''(presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again)'' There you go.
:'''Rodney''': ''(angry)'' You git! You stopped it!
:'''Del''': ''(smiling)'' It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.
:'''Rodney''': You git!
''[Del and Rodney both start laughing.]''
:'''Rodney''': ''(laughing)'' You! You git!
''[The two then hug.]''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made)'' Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?
:'''Albert''': That jar over there.
:'''Del''': This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.
:'''Albert''': Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?
:'''Del''': I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, [[w:Maxwell House|Maxwell House]] ''coffee'' and on this one it says [[w:Oxo (food)|Oxo]] ''gravy'' granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?
:'''Albert''': Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
:'''Del''': I'll mix ''you'' up in a min...''[realises]'' Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what ''are'' they pouring over their dinners in there? ''(goes to look)'' All right?
:'''Audrey''': Wonderful.
:'''Del''': ''(uneasy smile)'' Cushty. ''(to Albert)'' They're only ''doing'' it. They are only out there doing it ''now''! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every battleship and aircraft carrier that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Cassandra''': ''(offer Del the "gravy")'' Del?
:'''Del''': '''''No!''''' I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.
:'''Cassandra''': Albert?
:'''Albert''': Er, not for me dear.
:'''Del''': Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. ''(completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him)'' Git!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del and Rodney managed to auction off the [[w:John Harrison|John Harrison]] "lesser watch".]''
:'''Del''': How much exactly did it go for?
:'''Rodney''': Six point two million. Just over three million each.
:'''Del''': Well we've had worse days, ain't we?
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del, Rodney, and Albert walk off into an animated sunset]''
:'''Del''': Come on Rodney, this is our big chance. He who dares wins! This time next year, we could be billionaires!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:If They Could See Us Now|If They Could See Us Now]]''===

:'''Trigger''': When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.
:'''Denzil''': Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.
:'''Trigger''': I know. But I still hear voices!
:'''Boycie''': Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Trigger''': There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.
:'''Denzil''': Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!
:'''Rodney''': This time last ''week'', we were millionaires!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(regarding the loss of their fortune)'' Oh, it's ''my'' fault, is it!?
:'''Rodney''': Either you, or this is the Chinese Year of the Dodo!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Rodney''': So ummm... what you doing here, Trig?
:'''Trigger''': Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.
:'''Rodney''': Oh, right. ''(realises)'' But you live closer to the pub than us.
:'''Trigger''': I know.
:'''Rodney''': In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.
:'''Trigger''': Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Trigger''': Ain't there any words to this, Dave?
:'''Rodney''': Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.
:'''Del''': What's this?
:'''Trigger''': It's Mozart's symphony number 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke version.
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Strangers on the Shore|Strangers on the Shore]]''===

:'''Del''': Here, Boyce. You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the numbers then you got yourself a personalised number plate!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Damien''': ''(to Raquel)'' Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
:'''Raquel''': Oh did he?
:'''Rodney''': Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.
:'''Raquel''': Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.
:'''Del''': ''(on the phone)'' So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!
:'''Raquel''': Well that's the theory, anyway.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.
:'''Rodney''': It's canard.
:'''Del''': You can say that again bruv!
:'''Rodney''': No the French word for duck is canard.
:'''Del''': Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2?
:'''Rodney''': No that's Cunard. They're the ones with the boats and what have you. The French for duck is canard.
:'''Del''': Right lovely jubbly. Right, so how do the French say à l'Orange then?
:'''Rodney''': A l'Orange!
:'''Del''': What, the same as we do?
:'''Rodney''': Yes.
:'''Del''': Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?
<hr width=50%/>

''[When Del and Rodney discovered that St. Claire a la Chappelle is full of Uncle Albert lookalikes.]''
:'''Rodney''': Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric ''[[w:Village of the Damned (1960 film)|Village of the Damned]]''!
:'''Del''': I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place "Trottersville"!
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': [[w:Captain Corelli's Mandolin (film)|Captain Corelli's Mandolin]]? More like [[w:Captain Birdseye|Captain Birdseye]]'s [[w:Banjo|Banjo]]!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Del, Rodney, Denzil, and Trigger discover that they've accidentally brought an illegal immigrant back with them from France.]''
:'''Del''': We're just gonna have to let him go then.
:'''Rodney''': We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?
:'''Denzil''': Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of [[w:Al-Qaeda|Al-Qaeda]]!
:'''Rodney''': Don't be stupid, Denzil.
:'''Del''': Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Boycie''': Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat!? It's like holding a seance with [[w:Mr. Bean|Mr. Bean]].
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Gary''': Gary!
<hr width=50%/>

===''[[w:Sleepless in Peckham|Sleepless in Peckham]]''===

:'''Sid''': This group do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
:'''Rodney''': Why?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': Well Boycie, I hope you won't take offence and what I'm about to say, but me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden.
:'''Boycie''': How dare you! Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden? I have never been so insulted in my life. You know how much I've spent on that garden! You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Trigger''': ''(talking about his invention of a backscratcher made from chopsticks)'' Raquel, can you pass a message onto Del Boy?
:'''Raquel''': OK.
:'''Trigger''': Tell him there's been a bit of a setback. My paraffin heater melted the chopsticks. I might have to go to a Chinese shop. He'll understand.
''[Raquel looks completely bemused.]''
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Cassandra''': Why do they do that?
:'''Raquel''': It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!
<hr width=50%/>

''[Rodney shows Cassandra the picture of the 1960 Jolly Boys Outing.]''
:'''Cassandra''': There's you. ''(realisation hits her)''
:'''Rodney''': Yeah there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.
:'''Cassandra''': Who is it?
:'''Rodney''': He's my father.
:'''Cassandra''': But your father...
:'''Rodney''': My ''real'' father, Cass. My biological old man.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Raquel''': Who is he?
:'''Del''': His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's. My mum was having a rough time with the old man. He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women. Not much cop when it came to men, but a hard nut with women and kids. One day, my dad brought Freddie home, and him and my mum got on like a house on fire. They had the same taste in music and... well, everything.
:'''Cassandra''': And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?
:'''Rodney''': He was a gentleman safe-cracker. They called him "The Raffles of Peckham". People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar. He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet, a real snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.
:'''Cassandra''': So, how are you similar?
:'''Rodney''': We're about the same height.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Raquel''': And you've known all these years?
:'''Del''': No. At least, not when Rodney was a baby. When you get to 20, and your 6-year-old brother is taller than you, it makes you think. I never knew really who he was. As a youngster, I was told to call him "Uncle Fred". Then a few years back, Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do... It was a wet corset contest. Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mum. I don't know if you noticed, but there are no photographs of my mum in this house, except for a couple of close-ups.
:'''Raquel''': I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.
:'''Del''': No. He only used to take money and things that he could sell. Then Uncle Albert told me. It was my Aunt Renee who sorted it all after Mum's funeral. You see every picture of Mum included Freddie Robdal, and Aunt Renee knew that as Rodney got older, people would start to see the stimularities, so she burnt them.
<hr width=50%/>

:'''Del''': ''(when Rodney asks if he's anything like his father, Freddie the Frog)'' Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar. He was disloyal to his friends. He was a womaniser, a home-breaker, a con-man, a thief, a liar, and a cheat... So no Rodney, you're nothing like him.
<hr width=50%/>

''[Last lines of the series]''
:'''Del''': Can I ask you a question, Rodders?
:'''Rodney''': Fire away.
:'''Del''': Where did that runway come from?
:'''Rodney''': I don't fancy making that film now.
:'''Del''': You know what, Rodders? That's a bloody good idea! ''(both Trotter Brothers laugh)''
<hr width=50%/>

==Common Phrases==
===Derek "Del Boy" Trotter===
:*Lovely Jubbly!
:*He who dares, wins!
:*This time next year, we'll be millionaires!
:*He who dares Rodney, he who dares.
:*What a plonker!
:*Cushty!
:*Mum said to me on her deathbed...
:*You wally!!
:*Oh, Shut up, you tart!
:*You know it makes sense
:*Rodney, you dipstick!
:*Gordon Bennett! (Gordon Bennett, Rodney!)

===Rodney Charlton Trotter===
:*Bloody 'ell!
:*Cosmic!/Cos-bloody-mic!
:*You git! You rotten git!
:*T'riffic!

===Grandad===
:*Del Boy, I've burnt ya pizza.

===Uncle Albert===
:*During the war...
:*During the 1939 to 1945 conflict with Germany...
:*I fought for this country

===Raquel Turner===
:*Hi, I'm Raquel; Del's ''(spitefully)'' "significant other".

===Trigger===
:*''(To Rodney)'' Alright Dave

==Cast==
* [[w:David Jason|David Jason]] - [[w:Del Boy|Derek "Del Boy" Trotter]]
* [[w:Nicholas Lyndhurst|Nicholas Lyndhurst]] - [[w:Rodney Trotter|Rodney Trotter]]
* [[w:Lennard Pearce|Lennard Pearce]] - [[w:Grandad (Only Fools and Horses)|Grandad]]
* [[w:Buster Merryfield|Buster Merryfield]] - [[w:Uncle Albert|Uncle Albert]]
* [[w:Tessa Peake-Jones|Tessa Peake-Jones]] - [[w:Raquel Turner|Raquel]]
* [[w:Gwyneth Strong|Gwyneth Strong]] - [[w:Cassandra Trotter|Cassandra ]]
* [[w:Ben Smith (actor)|Ben Smith]] - [[w:Damien Trotter|Damien]]
* [[w:Roger Lloyd Pack|Roger Lloyd Pack]] - [[w:Trigger (Only Fools And Horses)|Trigger]]
* [[w:John Challis|John Challis]] - [[w:Boycie|Boycie]]
* [[w:Sue Holderness|Sue Holderness]] - [[w:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Only_Fools_and_Horses_characters#Marlene|Marlene]]
* [[w:Paul Barber|Paul Barber]] - [[w:Denzil Tulser|Denzil]]
* [[w:Patrick Murray|Patrick Murray]] - [[w:Mickey Pearce|Mickey Pearce]]
* [[w:Kenneth MacDonald|Kenneth MacDonald]] - [[w:Mike Fisher (Only Fools and Horses)|Mike]]
* [[w:Roy Heather|Roy Heather]] - [[w:List_of_Only_Fools_and_Horses_characters#Sid|Sid]]

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|0081912|Only Fools and Horses}}the the

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]] the same thing

W1A (TV series)

2015-09-14T16:10:02Z

YKWSG:

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:W1A (TV series)|W1A]]''''' (2014) is a television sitcom created for [[w:BBC|the BBC]], and set in the BBC, by [[w:John Morton (writer)|John Morton]]. Much of the dialogue parodies "management speak".

==Series 1 (2014)==
=== ''Episode 1'' ===
:'''Ian Fletcher'''ː The fact is, a few years ago, Alan Titchmarsh was voted the world’s second sexiest man, after George Clooney.

=== ''Episode 2'' ===
:'''Siobhan Sharpe'''ː Let's nail this puppy to the floor.

==Series 2 (2015)==
=== ''Episode 4'' ===
:'''Ian'''ː Can we step on it, please?
:'''Taxi driver'''ː We're already stepping on it.
:'''Ian'''ː I don't care. We'll step on something else.

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|W1A (TV series)}}

{{tv-stub}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Frasier

2015-03-16T15:48:16Z

YKWSG: /* Someone To Watch Over Me [2.19] */

'''''[[w:Frasier|Frasier]]''''' (16 September 1993 – 13 May 2004) is an American TV [[w:situation comedy|situation comedy]], a spin-off of the television show ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]''. The show was critically acclaimed and won a record 37 Emmy Awards during its run.

==Season 1==
=== ''[[w:The Good Son (Frasier)|The Good Son]]'' [1.1] ===
:'''[[w:Frasier Crane|Frasier]]''': Six months ago, I was living in [[w:Boston|Boston]]. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Niles Crane|Niles]]''': I thought you liked my Maris!
:'''Frasier''': I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Niles Crane|Niles]]''': Remember what Mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': The rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it?
:'''Roz''': Here, your brother called.
:'''Frasier''': Roz, in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.
:'''Roz''': Did I ever tell you what this little button does?
:'''Frasier''': I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
:'''Roz''': Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".
:''[Pause]''
:'''Frasier''': You say my brother called.

=== ''[[w:Space Quest (Frasier)|Space Quest]]'' [1.2] ===
:'''Frasier''': Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
:'''Niles''': You're a good brother, too.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him ''around.''

=== ''[[w:Dinner at Eight (Frasier)|Dinner at Eight]]'' [1.3] ===
:'''Frasier''': I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
:'''Martin''': He cut you off!
:'''Frasier''': That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"
:'''Martin''': Big talk from a Volvo.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Daphne]'' She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

=== ''[[w:I Hate Frasier Crane|I Hate Frasier Crane]]'' [1.4] ===
:'''Niles''': Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
:'''Frasier''': You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
:'''Niles''': She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, [[Voltaire]]. Step back in the shadows, [[H. L. Mencken]]. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this ''chef d'oeuvre'': "I... ''hate''... Frasier Crane."

=== ''[[w:Here's Looking At You (Frasier)|Here's Looking At You]]'' [1.5] ===
:''[Frasier cannot fathom why Martin stopped speaking to Irene after one phone call]''
:'''Niles''': Who knows why anybody does anything?
:'''Frasier''': ''[looks incredulously at him]'' Remind me again what you do for a living.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?
:'''Niles''': ''[looks back]'' Remind me again what it is ''you'' do for a living.

=== ''[[w:The Crucible (Frasier)|The Crucible]]'' [1.6] ===
:'''Frasier''': By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
:'''Niles''': She's on your bed.
:'''Frasier''': My bed?
:'''Niles''': Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': God, I hate lawyers.
:'''Niles''': Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

=== ''[[w:Call Me Irresponsible (Frasier)|Call Me Irresponsible]]'' [1.7] ===
:''[Catherine is crying]''
:'''Frasier''': Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Catherine''': Your wife is really lucky.
:'''Frasier''': Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne''': My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.
:'''Martin''': Really?
:'''Daphne''': He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."

<hr width=50%>
:''[Martin and Daphne are singing Deck the Halls]''
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep?

=== ''[[w:Beloved Infidel (Frasier)|Beloved Infidel]]'' [1.8] ===
:''[Dinner with Niles holds several surprises]''
:'''Frasier''': You know, Niles, maybe you should have that [[w:Martini (cocktail)|Martini]] after all.
:'''Niles''': I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.
:'''Frasier''': ''[still reading the menu]'' Not anymore; they just towed your car.

=== ''[[w:Selling Out (Frasier)|Selling Out]]'' [1.9] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[to a caller]'' Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
:'''[[w:Daphne Moon|Daphne]]''': What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
:'''Frasier''': Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the subject of a film (likely to have been ''[[Basic Instinct]]'')]''
: '''Niles''': Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat; her room, as you know, is across the hall!

=== ''[[w:Oops! (Frasier)|Oops!]]'' [1.10] ===
:'''Niles''': I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on [[w:Dissociative identity disorder|multiple personality disorders]] and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

=== ''[[w:Death Becomes Him (Frasier)|Death Becomes Him]]'' [1.11] ===
:'''Frasier''': Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?
:'''Roz''': ''[smugly]'' Because ''I'' have one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[It seems that Doctor Newman was both healthy and in good shape when he died]''
:'''Allen''': Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
:'''Frasier''': My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?

=== ''[[w:Miracle on Third or Fourth Street|Miracle on Third or Fourth Street]]'' [1.12]===
:''[As Frasier presents the Christmas Day show, more and more depressing tales of woe are heard.]''
:'''Caller''': I remember that Christmas when I ran into my mother's room, tears streaming down my face, and I said "Mummy, Mummy, the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."

=== ''[[w:Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast|Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast]]'' [1.13] ===
:'''Frasier''': I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.
:'''Niles''': Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
:'''Frasier''': Why? You have plans Friday?
:'''Niles''': No, I have plans Saturday.

=== ''[[w:Can't Buy Me Love (Frasier)|Can't Buy Me Love]]'' [1.14] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[about Maris]'' She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?
:'''Niles''': No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Bulldog''': Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?
:'''T.J. Smith''': It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!
:''[Roz walks in]''
:'''Roz''': Where do I pay?
:'''Frasier''': Roz!
:'''Roz''': I saw what I wanted and I went after it!

=== ''You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover'' [1.15] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[showing Martin around the station]'' Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
:'''Martin''': What is it?
:'''Frasier''': I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': My [[w:Taekwondo|taekwondo]] instructor says I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.

=== ''The Show Where Lilith Comes Back'' [1.16] ===
:''[Lilith is criticising Frasier's advice on air]''
:'''Frasier''': Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
:'''Lilith''': What do you mean by "celebrity"?
:'''Frasier''': ''[darkly]'' Oh, they know you!
<hr width=50%>
:''[Frasier is very annoyed that Roz has put Lilith's call through on his show]''
:'''Frasier''': Roz, what exactly does "[[w:call screening|call screening]]" mean?
:'''Roz''': ''[smugly]'' It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Do you wanna bag dinner?
:'''Lilith''': There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
:'''Frasier''': Come to me, my white-hot flame!
:''[Lilith jumps into Frasier's arms, and he carries her to the bed behind them.]''
:'''Lilith''': I was insane to divorce you!
:'''Frasier''': You're in my every waking thought!
:'''Lilith''': You're the only man I've ever loved!
:'''Frasier''': So are you!

=== ''[[w:A Mid-Winter Night's Dream|A Mid-Winter Night's Dream]]'' [1.17] ===
:''[Daphne offers to cook for Niles and Maris]''
:'''Niles''': Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, [[w:Saturated fat|saturated fats]], nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, [[w:Monosodium glutamate|MSG]] or dairy... Did I say nuts?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, I think that's implied!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is worried about Niles and Daphne alone in Niles' house.]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting [[w:Wuthering Heights|"Heathcliff!"]] across the moors!

=== ''And the Whimper Is...'' [1.18] ===
:'''Niles''': I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Bebe narrowly avoids making an [[w:ageism|ageist]] remark about Fletcher Grey when she sees Martin]''
:'''Bebe''': You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
:'''Martin''': That's why I keep this cane.

=== ''Give Him the Chair!'' [1.19] ===
:''[Eddie is heard barking.]''
:'''Frasier''': What's the matter with him?
:'''Daphne''': He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.
:'''Frasier''': ''[to Eddie]'' Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
:'''Frasier''': How about Florida?
:'''Martin''': I heard that.

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

=== ''[[w:Fortysomething (Frasier)|Fortysomething]]'' [1.20] ===
:''[Frasier explains his quandary to Niles in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]]]''
:'''Frasier''': The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a [[w:Shopping mall|mall]].
:'''Niles''': That ''is'' alarming.
:'''Frasier''': Well, I turned her down.
:'''Niles''': No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
<hr width=50%>
:''[Niles has discovered a new party game, in which contestants select a meal, [[w:aria|aria]] and wine to take to a desert island. He gives his choices]''
:'''Niles''': The ''coulibiac'' of salmon at [[w:Guy Savoy|Guy Savoy]], "[[w:Vissi d'arte|Vissi d'arte]]" from ''[[w:Tosca|Tosca]]'', and the [[w:Côtes du Rhône AOC|Côtes du Rhône]] [[w:Châteauneuf-du-Pape AOC|Châteauneuf-du-Pape]] '47.
:'''Frasier''': You are ''so'' predictable!

=== ''Travels With Martin'' [1.21] ===
:'''Frasier''': Niles, if Dad and I get into a [[w:Winnebago Industries|Winnebago]], only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
:'''Niles''': Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my [[w:Bone marrow|bone marrow]] and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of [[w:Miller Lite|Miller Lite]] cans. This is my final word: I'm ''not'' going.
:''[Martin and Daphne enter.]''
:'''Martin''': Great news! Daphne's coming, too.
:'''Niles''': And so am I!

=== ''Author, Author'' [1.22] ===
:'''Niles''': All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
:'''Niles''': Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a [[w:Cuisinart|Cuisinart]], I've had a breakthrough.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[While brawling over their inability to write a book, due to their sibling rivalry]''
:'''Niles''': My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
:'''Frasier''': ''You stole my mommy!''

=== ''Frasier Crane's Day Off'' [1.23] ===
:''Frasier is clearly ill, but reluctant to miss work''
:'''Frasier''': Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!
:'''Martin''': Well, at least I had a ''real'' job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After Niles initially refused to fill in for his brother, Frasier says he does not possess the right qualities anyway]''
:'''Niles''': Frasier, this pathetic attempt at [[w:reverse psychology|reverse psychology]] is beneath you!
:'''Frasier''': Then you're not going to do my show?
:'''Niles''': No, I ''am'' going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever ''dreamed'' of doing it!
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles is substituting for Frasier on his radio show.]''
:'''Niles''': Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a [[w:Freudian|Freudian]], I am a [[w:Jungian|Jungian]]. So there'll be no blaming Mother today!
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After a drug-addled Frasier has locked himself in the studio]''
:'''Roz''': Can I get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane!

=== ''My Coffee with Niles'' [1.24] ===
:'''Frasier''': I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"
:'''Niles''': You're kidding.
:'''Frasier''': He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"

==Season 2==
=== ''Slow Tango in South Seattle'' [2.1] ===
:''[During an interview for [[w:KACL (Frasier)|KACL]], the author is asked about the inspiration for his book. Frasier is listening outside]''
:'''Fallow''': Well, it was actually given to me…by God.
:'''Frasier''': By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
:'''Roz''': Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
:'''Frasier''': Well, then, perhaps you're right.
:'''Roz''': See how easy it is.

=== ''[[w:The Unkindest Cut of All|The Unkindest Cut of All]]'' [2.2] ===
:''[Martin is annoyed by Frasier's repeated instructions to take Eddie to the vet]''
:'''Martin''': If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. ''[exits]''
:'''Niles''': You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Daphne''': ''[about drawer-dividers for socks]'' I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.
:'''Martin''': I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.

=== ''[[w:The Matchmaker (Frasier)|The Matchmaker]]'' [2.3] ===
:''[Daphne explains that the [[w:smoke detector|smoke alarm]] over her bed went off]''
:'''Daphne''': God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Roz''': God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
:'''Frasier''': Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.

=== ''[[w:Flour Child|Flour Child]]'' [2.4] ===
:'''Martin''': One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.
:'''Frasier''': The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles' bag of flour is showing signs of fire damage after being dried beside the [[w:hearth|hearth]]]''
:'''Frasier''': He caught on fire?
:'''Niles''': It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have ''cried'' before it burst into flames.

=== ''[[w:Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye|Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye]]'' [2.5] ===
:''[Daphne is dressed up for a date, and is testing her [[w:perfume|perfume]] when Niles arrives]''
:'''Niles''': ''[sniffs around Daphne]'' Is that "Forbidden"?
:'''Frasier''': In every sense of the word!

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Martin reveals the truth about MeadowWood Properties' demolition plans while proposing a toast, prompting his sons to down their boilermakers]''
:'''Martin''': To Duke's!
:'''Regulars''': To Duke's!
:'''Frasier''': ''[to Duke]'' Two more!

=== ''[[w:The Botched Language of Cranes|The Botched Language of Cranes]]'' [2.6] ===
:''[Frasier has declined to make a personal appearance at a hospital.]''
:'''Roz''': What? You're turning down a hospital?
:'''Frasier''': Don't look at me that way.
:'''Roz''': Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. ''[reads]'' "Death is inevitable"...

=== ''[[w:The Candidate (Frasier)|The Candidate]]'' [2.7] ===
:'''Daphne''': It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
:'''Frasier''': You don't need guns: you got [[w:steak and kidney pie|kidney pie]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Despite a shocking revelation about Patterson, Niles is still keen for him to defeat Thorpe]''
:'''Niles''': Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?
:'''Frasier''': At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.

=== ''[[w:Adventures in Paradise (Part I)|Adventures in Paradise]]'' [2.8] ===
:''[Martin remembers how he met his wife.]''
:'''Martin''': Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
:'''Frasier''': Dad, you're a ghoul.
:'''Martin''': I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles' [[w:Freudian slip|Freudian slip]]]''
:'''Niles''': If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who ''really'' excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable [[w:Maris Crane|Maris]]!…Marriage…I have to go now.

=== ''[[w:Adventures in Paradise (Part II)|Adventures in Paradise (Part II)]]'' [2.9] ===
:''[Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]''
:'''Lilith''': Brian is a [[w:seismology|seismologist]] at [[w:Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]].
:'''Frasier''': Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having ''so many'' [[w:Fault (geology)|faults]].

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier is angry with Lilith for interrupting his time with Madeline]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!

=== ''[[w:Burying a Grudge|Burying a Grudge]]'' [2.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Daphne''': I had a mole removed.
:'''Niles''': Where?
:'''Daphne''': Just south of Manchester.
:'''Niles''': I meant, where on your body?
:'''Daphne''': So did I.

=== ''[[w:Seat of Power|Seat of Power]]'' [2.11] ===
:''[Confronted with Danny again, Niles is having trouble controlling his anger. Frasier takes him in hand]''
:'''Niles''': I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!
:'''Frasier''': No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the [[w:bathroom|bathroom]]!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!

=== ''[[w:Roz in the Doghouse|Roz in the Doghouse]]'' [2.12] ===
:''[Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]''
:'''Frasier''': Who's next, Roz?
:'''Roz''': If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
:'''Frasier''': The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than [[w:Tropicana Products|Tropicana]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated [[w:massage|massage]]]''
:'''Roz''': Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
:'''Daphne''': Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".

=== ''[[w:Retirement is Murder|Retirement is Murder]]'' [2.13] ===
:''[Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]''
:'''Frasier''': It's the archetypal [[w:male bonding|male bonding]] ritual.
:'''Niles''': Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?

=== ''Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice...'' [2.14] ===
:'''Frasier''': I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]''
:'''Niles''': Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
:'''Frasier''': Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… ''[turns to look through the window]'' MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! ''[leaps up and rushes out of the door]'' Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

=== ''[[w:You Scratch My Book...|You Scratch My Book...]]'' [2.15] ===
:''[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]''
:'''Daphne''': Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]''
:'''Frasier''': Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
:'''Niles''': I can't help it. Have you read this?
:'''Frasier''': I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.

=== ''[[w:The Show Where Sam Shows Up|The Show Where Sam Shows Up]]'' [2.16] ===
:''[Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]''
:'''Sam''': She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a [[w:pedestal|pedestal]].
:'''Frasier''': You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]''
:'''Roz''': ''You'' slept with ''her''?
:'''Niles''': On what [[w:desert island|desert island]] with no hope of rescue was this?!

===''[[w:Daphne's Room|Daphne's Room]]'' [2.17] ===
:''[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]''
:'''Martin''': When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
:'''Niles''': I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid [[w:vertebra|vertebrae]]; she'd snap like a twig.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]''
:'''Frasier''': I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
:'''Niles''': And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?

=== ''The Club'' [2.18] ===
:'''Martin''': Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.

=== ''Someone To Watch Over Me'' [2.19] ===
:'''Niles''': Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
:'''Frasier''': You just made that up, didn't you?
:'''Niles''': Yes, but I stand by it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin thinks Frasier is wasting money by hiring a personal bodyguard''
:'''Martin''': Hey, I know how to take a bullet.
:'''Frasier''': Oh, yes. That's just what your personality needsː ''another'' bulletǃ

=== ''[[w:Breaking The Ice (Frasier)|Breaking The Ice]]'' [2.20] ===
:''[Niles is bemused by the smell of Martin's [[w:fishing tackle|tackle]] box covered by Daphne's [[w:air freshener|air freshener]]]''
:'''Niles''': It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne encourages Frasier to go ice fishing with Martin]''
:'''Frasier''': So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words "I love you"?
:'''Daphne''': Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

=== ''[[w:An Affair to Forget|An Affair to Forget]]'' [2.21] ===
:'''Martin''': Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
:'''Frasier''': Yes, but are they wealthy students?
:'''Martin''': ''[sarcastically]'' No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

<hr width=50%>
:''[Niles accuses Gunnar in English, which Frasier translates into Spanish for Marta, so she can tell Gunnar in German]''
:'''Gunnar''': ''Schweinhund!'' ''[draws his sword]''
:'''Niles''': Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? ''En garde!''
:'''Frasier''': Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a ''fourth'' language.

=== ''[[w:Agents in America, Part III|Agents in America, Part III]]'' [2.22] ===
:''[Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Xena and Slate!
:'''Daphne''': I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.
:'''Frasier''': Is this the way you spend your days when I'm not at home?
:'''Daphne''': Not quite. When you're not home, I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
:'''Frasier''': Well, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh [[w:Zirconia|Zirconia]], can't you see Stone doesn't love you; he loves [[w:Placenta|Placenta]]!"
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After Bebe has treated Daphne as a slave, she brings Bebe a snack]''
:'''Daphne''': Will there be anything else?
:'''Bebe''': No, you run along, I'm fine.
:'''Daphne''': You're sure now? Because I could wait until you've finished the biscuit and [[w:dental floss|floss]] your teeth for you!

=== ''[[w:The Innkeepers (Frasier)|The Innkeepers]]'' [2.23] ===
:''(Gil announces that Orsini's is closing.)''
:'''Gil''': And so tonight a sad adieu to the ''grande dame'' of Seattle restaurants.
:'''Roz''': ''(aside to Frasier)'' I thought he was the ''grande dame'' of Seattle restaurants

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
:'''Niles''': Wait, wait! What?
:'''Frasier''': I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
:'''Niles''': Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
:'''Frasier''': How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': How much fire power do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
:'''Frasier''': Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

=== ''[[w:Dark Victory|Dark Victory]]'' [2.24] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[to Frasier]'' You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! ''[turns]'' Happy birthday, Dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin blows out the candles of his birthday cake at the same time the power goes out.]''
:'''Niles''': Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles leaves Frasier's apartment during a power outage. He returns a few minutes later, gasping for breath]''
:'''Niles''': Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!

==Season 3==
=== ''[[w:She's the Boss (Frasier)|She's the Boss]]'' [3.1] ===
:''When Martin learns that Frasier's new boss is a woman, he expects his son to resent the situation''
:'''Frasier:''' If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, [[w:Minor characters on Frasier#Frederick Gaylord Crane|Frederick]] would never have been conceived!
<hr width=50%/>
:''Eddie's barking at the Doberman upstairs is keeping Frasier awake. He is wearing a [[w:Elizabethan collar|space collar]] following a recent fight''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, for God's sake! I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a [[w:megaphone|megaphone]]!

=== ''[[w:Shrink Rap (Frasier)|Shrink Rap]]'' [3.2] ===
:''Frasier has conscripted Daphne and Martin to help him move into Niles' office''
:'''Martin:''' You know the best thing about gettin' old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane…but people still ask you to help them move!
<hr width=50%/>
:''In the midst of an argument, Niles has just stormed out of his group therapy session, followed by his brother''
:'''Niles:''' Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it!
:'''Frasier:''' You are not scaring me…the thumb goes on the ''outside'', Niles! On the ''outside''!

=== ''[[w:Martin Does It His Way (Frasier)|Martin Does It His Way]]'' [3.3] ===
:''[Frasier has arrived home to find Eddie lying on the sofa.]''
:'''Frasier''': Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.
<hr width=50%>
:''[The Cranes are complaining about their Aunt Louise, who never liked anything, specially travelling]''
:'''Martin:''' She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
:'''Frasier:''' My guess is she finally made it!

=== ''[[w:Leapin' Lizards (Frasier)|Leapin' Lizards]]'' [3.4] ===
''Frasier has just fallen victim to one of Bulldog's practical jokes on air''
:'''Frasier''': Well, that's one on me. Or rather, one on me and my call-screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]]! Of course I'll sign for it."
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bulldog''': ''[to caller]'' You're in the Doghouse.
:'''Caller''': Hey, am I on?
:'''Bulldog''': Yeah, take as long as you want. ''[hangs up and goes to the next call]''

=== ''[[w:Kisses Sweeter Than Wine (Frasier)|Kisses Sweeter Than Wine]]'' [3.5] ===
:'''Roz''': Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!
:'''Frasier''': ''[Sheepish]'' It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier:''' I cut myself because I was shaving without water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes which called for Cecil, who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in [[w:This Is the House That Jack Built|the house that Frasier built]]!

=== ''[[w:Sleeping With the Enemy (Frasier)|Sleeping With the Enemy]]'' [3.6]===
:''Frasier has been left to negotiate with Kate''
:'''Kate:''' Why are you gunning for me?
:'''Frasier:''' Gunning? For you? This isn't about you; it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle.
:'''Kate:''' No, no. This is about your [[w:id, ego, and super-ego|ego]], which is the ''size'' of Seattle!
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier fumes at the thought that Kate's behaviour could just be that of a [[w:femme fatale|femme fatale]]''
:'''Daphne:''' It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
:'''Frasier:''' How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex ''is'' what we want!

=== ''[[w:The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl|The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl]]'' [3.7]===
:'''Niles''': I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry: if I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''The day after the broadcast''
:'''Bulldog:''' I'm proud of ya, man!
:'''Frasier:''' Doesn't that put the [[w:cherry|cherry]] on the [[w:parfait|parfait]](!)

===''[[w:The Last Time I Saw Maris|The Last Time I Saw Maris]]'' [3.8]===
:''Frasier is trying to persuade Marta to let him speak to Maris''
:'''Marta''': Missy Crane say, “No you Doctor Crane, no other Doctor Crane, and no Crane with a cane!”
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin is giving the police a description of Maris]''
:'''Martin''': Yes, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. ''Very'' Caucasian.

===''[[w:Frasier Grinch|Frasier Grinch]]'' [3.9]===
:''At the KACL Christmas party, Bulldog enters Frasier's studio wearing [[w:mistletoe|mistletoe]] over his head''
:'''Bulldog:''' Hey Roz, you know what's over my head?
:'''Roz:''' Almost any clever remark?
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier has been sent the wrong presents from the educational toy company''
:'''Frasier:''' These are for a Franklin Crane from [[w:Kennebunkport|Kennebunkport]]. Do you know what this means?
:'''Niles:''' Yes: the Cranes of [[w:Maine|Maine]] have got your 'Living Brain'!

===''[[w:It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave|It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave]]'' [3.10]===
:''Martin is writing a letter, and Niles cannot help [[w:proofreading|proofreading]] it over his shoulder''
:'''Niles:''' It's best not to end a sentence with a [[w:preposition and postposition|preposition]].
:''(Martin writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Niles)''
:'''Niles:''' Not to be technical, but “off” is a preposition too.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Daphne is trying to cheer up Frasier before his date''
:'''Daphne:''' There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. “What's your favorite food?” “What's your favorite color?” “If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?” If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?
:'''Frasier:''' “[[w:Bill (payment)|Check]], please” comes to mind.

===''[[w:The Friend|The Friend]]'' [3.11]===
:''[Niles explains why he doesn't like horse races.]''
:'''Niles''': It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks, wielding riding crops, just remind me too much of Maris.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Roz interrupts Frasier during his show to stop him inviting listeners to accost him in public''
:'''Frasier:''' I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
:'''Roz:''' Well, I believe in the ''strangeness'' of strangers.

===''[[w:Come Lie With Me|Come Lie With Me]]'' [3.12]===
:'''Frasier''': Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': ''[To Martin]'' Would you get Eddie off of the couch? Or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

===''[[w:Moon Dance|Moon Dance]]'' [3.13]===
:'''Niles''': I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.
:'''Niles''': Coroners have their own bar?
:'''Martin''': No. ''Corner,'' Niles — the ''corner'' bar!

=== ''[[w:The Show Where Diane Comes Back|The Show Where Diane Comes Back]]'' [3.14]===
:''Frasier breaks the news of Diane's return to Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' She's back! The scourge of my existence!
:'''Niles:''' Strange, I usually get some sign when [[w:Lilith Sternin|Lilith]] is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…
<hr width=50%/>
:''Diane is telling a tiresome story over dinner. Martin finds an effective way to take the wind out of her sails''
:'''Diane:''' I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of…of, um…
:'''Niles:''' Sea [[w:kelp|kelp]]?
:'''Diane:''' Exactly right, sea kelp!
:'''Martin:''' Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”

=== ''[[w:A Word to the Wiseguy|A Word to the Wiseguy]]'' [3.15]===
:''Roz has given Niles the details of her shady contact, and Frasier thinks he is mad for even considering it''
:'''Frasier:''' I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a [[w:Martin Scorsese|Martin Scorsese]] film!
<hr width=50%/>
:''During the scene where Jerome drops by unexpectedly''
:'''Niles''': He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris' legal problem, and in return, I promised him a favor. Oh God! Do you think that's why he's here; to collect?
:'''Frasier''': No Niles, he's probably hosting a [[w:luau|luau]], and came by to borrow our poi [[w:ramekin|ramekins]](!)

=== ''[[w:Look Before You Leap (Frasier)|Look Before You Leap]]'' [3.16]===
:'''Frasier''': It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
:'''Frasier''': Oh, Niles.
:'''Niles''': Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
:'''Roz''': If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.

=== ''[[w:High Crane Drifter (Frasier)|High Crane Drifter]]'' [3.17]===
:''Someone has just borrowed the video of ''[[w:How Green Was My Valley (film)|How Green Was My Valley]]'' before Frasier had the chance''
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me. Is there another copy?
:'''Video Store Clerk''': Oh yeah, that'd be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" [[w:Annex|annex]](!)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier delivers a brief but impassioned speech, bellowing from his balcony.''
:'''Frasier:''' People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not [[w:barbarian|barbarians]], we are not [[w:Neanderthal|Neanderthals]] and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a pent house?
:'''Daphne''': His last album sold 5 million copies.
:'''Frasier''': Ah well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for ''<changes to next caller>'' setting someone's lawn on fire!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Ah, there he is! The man who [[w:Muhammed Ali|floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera!]]

=== ''[[w:Chess Pains|Chess Pains]]'' [3.18]===
:''Niles is reluctant to play chess with Frasier''
:'''Niles:''' Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
:'''Frasier:''' No wonder: the [[w:King (chess)|king]] is stationary, while the ''[[w:Queen (chess)|queen]]'' has all the power!

=== ''[[w:Crane Vs. Crane|Crane Vs. Crane]]'' [3.19]===
:''Mr. Safford's lawyer, John Giroux, approaches Frasier on behalf of his client''
:'''Giroux:''' Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is.
:'''Frasier:''' You sound like my father: a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment. Daphne answers the door''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's [[w:boxing|boxing]] match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

=== ''[[w:Police Story (Frasier)|Police Story]]'' [3.20]===
:'''Roz:''' Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(through his teeth)'' Question asked, question answered.

===''[[w:Where There's Smoke There's Fired|Where There's Smoke There's Fired]]'' [3.21] ===
:''Roz cannot believe how Niles spends his money''
:'''Roz:''' You spend money like a drunken [[w:sailor|sailor]].
:'''Niles:''' She said authoritatively.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Niles doesn't believe Bebe can quit smoking on her own''
:'''Niles:''' You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
:'''Frasier:''' She always looks like that - she's an agent.

=== ''[[w:Frasier Loves Roz|Frasier Loves Roz]]'' [3.22]===
:''Roz wonders what she is doing wrong, if all her friends are getting married but not she''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?
:'''Roz:''' As a friend.
:'''Frasier:''' See a therapist.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier regrets trying to persuade Roz, and neglects to notice the on-air light behind him''
:'''Frasier:''' Me and my stupid advice! ''(sees the light)''…will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!

=== ''[[w:The Focus Group (Frasier)|The Focus Group]]'' [3.23]===
:''Martin reminds Frasier of a school play in which he appeared, which was warmly received but had one bad review''
:'''Frasier:''' But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in ''[[w:Bye Bye Birdie|Bye Bye Birdie]]'', made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”
:'''Niles:''' That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.
<hr width=50%/>
:''On the way out to dinner with the family, Frasier pulls up outside a [[w:newsagent|news stall]]''
:'''Frasier:''' There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.
:'''Martin:''' I ''knew'' we should’ve taken two cars!

=== ''You Can Go Home Again'' [3.24] ===
:''Daphne is explaining to Frasier how tedious she finds holidays spent at home in England''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich…and psychiatrists richer.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier is having a bad first day at [[w:KACL (Frasier)|KACL]]''
:'''Frasier:''' In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! [[Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]] had a brighter future [[w:Assassination of Abraham Lincoln|when he picked up his tickets at the box office]]!

==Season 4==
=== ''The Two Mrs. Cranes'' [4.1] ===
:''Martin is trying to persuade one of his sons to go with him to his [[w:platoon|platoon]] reunion''
:'''Martin:''' Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink [[w:Jim Beam|Jim Beam]]. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Budweiser]]. Come on, you'd love these guys!
:'''Niles:''' We're [[w:sherry|sherry]] drinkers, Dad. Think about it.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Daphne is pretending to be Niles' wife in order to let her ex-fiancé down easily.]''
:'''Clive''': Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.
:'''Niles''': That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
:'''Martin''': ''[pretending to be a retired astronaut]'' I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!

=== ''[[w:Love Bites Dog|Love Bites Dog]]'' [4.2] ===
:'''Bulldog''': Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced!
<hr width=50%>
:''It seems that Bulldog is in love''
:'''Bulldog:''' You know what? I gotta call her. ''(picks up the phone)'' No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. ''(slams phone down)'' But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. ''(picks up phone)'' No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. ''(puts phone down)'' I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! ''(picks up phone before putting it down again)'' Doc, what should I do?!
:'''Frasier:''' Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!

=== ''The Impossible Dream'' [4.3] ===
:''Niles is relating an episode from that day''
:'''Niles:''' I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
:'''Frasier:''' Just tell me ''when'' the story ends.
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier tells his father the truth about his dream''
:'''Frasier:''' The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.
:'''Martin:''' You don't care if I ''ever'' sleep again, do you?

=== ''A Crane's Critique'' [4.4] ===
:''Niles notices Roz checking out a man''
:'''Niles:''' Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
:'''Roz:''' Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolised''
:'''Roz:''' Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
:'''Niles:''' I can't just walk up to a god like that.
:'''Roz:''' Well, then, find a subtler way.
:'''Niles:''' In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your [[w:knickers|panties]] across the street?

=== ''Head Game'' [4.5] ===
:''While standing in for his brother, Niles finds himself giving useful advice to a listener's cat''
:'''Linda:''' What did you say to him?
:'''Niles:''' Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate [[w:physician-patient privilege|doctor-cat confidentiality]]!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin and Daphne have just witnessed the results of Niles' handiwork on Reggie McLemore''
:'''Martin:''' I gotta say: I'm impressed.
:'''Daphne:''' Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe ''I'' should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. ''(Niles grins)''
:'''Martin:''' Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!
:'''Niles:''' ''(grin fades)'' Thanks, Dad.

=== ''Mixed Doubles'' [4.6] ===
:''Roz is comforting Daphne after her break-up, in a way only she knows how''
:'''Roz:''' Now, Daphne, if the jewellery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
:'''Frasier:''' Dr. Roz wades in with the [[w:Zsa Zsa Gabor|Gabor]] approach to therapy!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne:''' Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls “The Sure Thing”.
:'''Frasier:''' How flattering! They've named a bar after her.

=== ''A Lilith Thanksgiving'' [4.7] ===
:''Frasier asks why Lilith hasn't gone with her husband to a volcano site''
:'''Niles:''' Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(incredulously)'' As if a smile from [[w:Maris Crane|Maris]] couldn't freeze [[w:mercury (element)|mercury]]!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Martin:''' Nice neighborhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.
:'''Lilith:''' Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.

=== ''Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven'' [4.8]===
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Maris]'' By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
:'''Niles''': Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.
:'''Frasier''': What?
:'''Niles''': Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about Maris]'' She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
:'''Frasier''': Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

=== ''[[w:Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine|Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine]]'' [4.9] ===
:'''Sherry:''' Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' I guess we're in the [[w:placebo|placebo]] group.
<hr width=50%>
: '''Frasier:''' ''[To Niles]'' I see you are still waiting on your spine donor!

=== ''Liar! Liar!'' [4.10] ===
:''Niles has a back injury, and to impress Daphne he claims it was from a daring move in a squash game''
:'''Niles''': You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a [[w:Glossary of ballet|pirouette]] and a flying [[w:Scissor kick (strike)|scissor kick]].
:''Daphne leaves the room''
:'''Martin''': You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
:'''Niles''': Quiet!
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier decides to phone John's wife and help fix their marriage''
:'''Frasier''': ''(on phone)'' Mrs Rajeski? Hello. You don't know me, but I...
:''Sound of Niles screaming in pain from the next room''
:'''Frasier''': ...Well, that's remarkable! Yes, I ''am'' a friend of your husband's.

=== ''Three Days of the Condo'' [4.11] ===
:'''Man''': You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
:'''Frasier''': Of bad water pressure?
:'''Man''': No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz advises Frasier against running for condo board president''
:'''Roz:''' If somebody wants a [[w:garbage disposal|garbage disposal]], they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
:'''Frasier:''' Have you served on a condo board?
:'''Roz:''' No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.

=== ''Death and the Dog'' [4.12] ===
:'''Niles:''' I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]]'ll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with [[w:William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier:''' “We know for whom the bell tolls.”
:''(A distant bell sounds, from the kitchen)''
:'''Martin:''' Anybody else hear that?

=== ''Four for the Seesaw'' [4.13] ===
:''Niles is finding this new spontaneous attitude to dating quite exhilarating''
:'''Frasier:''' Feel like a new man?
:'''Niles:''' I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!
<hr width=50%>
:''Maris phones Niles to tell him he cannot see other people''
:'''Niles:''' You see what's happening here?
:'''Frasier:''' Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

=== ''To Kill a Talking Bird'' [4.14] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Martin's chair]'' Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
:'''Martin''': You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
:'''Frasier''': Dad, that will never happen.
:'''Martin''': Thank you.
:'''Frasier''': I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about his new pet bird]'' She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
:'''Martin''': Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

=== ''Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein are Dead'' [4.15] ===
:''Eddie is dancing, and Martin is very proud''
:'''Martin:''' He's practically doin' a [[w:polka|polka]].
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the [[w:carnival|carnival]].
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles is back from a wedding in the woods. Daphne finds that his shoulder is sticky and wonders why. Frasier asks if he took a date''
:'''Niles:''' I asked Maris.
:'''Daphne:''' [[w:Plant sap|Sap]].
:'''Frasier:''' I think Daphne speaks for us all.

=== ''The Unnatural'' [4.16] ===
:''Frederick is returning from a walk with Martin''
:'''Frederick:''' Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a [[w:club (weapon)|nightstick]]?
:'''Frasier:''' No. He did tell me how he captured ''two'' bank robbers with just a [[w:revolver|revolver]], his partner and a [[w:SWAT|SWAT]] team.
:'''Martin''': They got there later!
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier and Niles are at [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]] discussing the impending softball game. Frederick and Daphne arrive from the [[w:amusement park|amusement park]]''
:'''Frasier:''' So you see the problem?
:'''Niles:''' I certainly do!
:'''Frasier:''' No, that's ''your'' problem!

=== ''Roz's Turn'' [4.17] ===
:'''Roz:''' It's not like she [Bebe] worships the Devil.
:'''Frasier:''' She doesn't have to. He worships ''her''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' Not one more deceitful word... your tongue could open a wine bottle!

=== ''[[w:Ham Radio (Frasier)|Ham Radio]]'' [4.18] ===
:'''Frasier:''' ''(in a spooky voice)'' Nightmare Inn.
:'''Martin:''' Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
:'''Frasier:''' Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
:'''Niles:''' So we can stop wondering.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Roz and Frasier are acting in a live performance of a radio drama.]''
:'''Roz''': "There's someone outside that window!"
:'''Frasier''': "Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...''[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]''... the ice cream truck!

=== ''Three Dates and a Breakup'' [4.19] ===
:'''Niles''': Her lips said "No," but her eyes said "Read my lips."
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier is very proud after being asked out by two women; Niles is bitter because no one will look twice at him''
:'''Frasier:''' My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm [[w:nepeta|catnip]]!
:'''Niles:''' I think I feel a [[w:hairball|furball]] coming up.

=== ''[[w:Daphne Hates Sherry|Daphne Hates Sherry]]'' [4.20] ===
:'''Daphne''': ''[about Sherry]'' She says I'm too rigid.
:'''Niles''': Nonsense!
:'''Daphne''': And that I'm too picky.
:'''Niles''': Poppycock!
:'''Daphne''': And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...
:'''Niles''': Just to play devil's advocate...
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio, and Frasier is in no state to put up with them''
:'''Frasier:''' As we speak, hordes of [[w:virus|viral]] [[w:Visigoths|Visigoths]] are hurling themselves over the [[w:battlement|battlements]] of my [[w:immune system|immune system]], laying waste to my…Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.

=== ''[[w:Are You Being Served? (Frasier)|Are You Being Served?]]'' [4.21] ===
:''Frasier disapproves of modern society's tendency to hug all the time''
:'''Roz:''' Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, in that case you should outlive [[w:Styrofoam|Styrofoam]]!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles has had a [[w:panic attack|panic attack]] and rushed into the toilet. After a sound resembling a [[w:gunshot|gunshot]], he emerges covered head to foot in [[w:shaving cream|shaving foam]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
:'''Niles:''' ''(shaken)'' I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…
:'''Martin:''' You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!
:'''Daphne:''' He was a detective, you know(!)

=== ''Ask Me No Questions'' [4.22] ===
:''Niles is keeping Frasier waiting for their [[w:squash (sport)|squash]] game, by having a doting phone conversation with Maris. Frasier takes action''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, now, Maris. ''(phone beeps)'' Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. ''(switches lines)'' Hello?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(using his [[w:landline|landline]])'' Get the hell off the phone!
<hr width=50%>
:''Pressing Frasier for an answer to his question, Niles poses a hypothetical situation for him, in which his brother is God''
:'''Niles:''' Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(glances at Eddie)'' Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!

=== ''Odd Man Out'' [4.23] ===
:'''Daphne''': I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death.
:'''Niles''': Well, we all have to die of something.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 [[w:Chevrolet Impala|Impala]].
:'''Niles''': Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

== Season 5 ==

=== ''Frasier's Imaginary Friend'' [5.1] ===
:''Neither Niles nor Martin believe Frasier's story that he is dating a supermodel''
:'''Niles:''' Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?
:'''Martin:''' Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier tries desperately to convince his family''
:'''Frasier:''' I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the [[w:Galápagos Islands|Galápagos Islands]] to [[w:artificial insemination|artificially inseminate]] [[w:iguana|iguanas]]! Now is that so hard to believe?!

=== ''The Gift Horse'' [5.2] ===
:''Daphne fills Niles in with Sherry's meat-based plans for the food at Martin's party''
:'''Niles:''' I assume these colourful balloons are for the between-course [[w:angioplasty|angioplasty]](!)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier comes home to find speaker towers placed around his living room''
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God...It's Stonehenge

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Sherry loves the new giant screen TV''
:'''Sherry:''' Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.
:'''Frasier:''' It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)

=== ''Halloween'' [5.3] ===
:'''Martin:''' I thought you were getting me a [[w:Sherlock Holmes|Sherlock Holmes]] outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.
:'''Niles:''' Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be [[w:Lord Peter Wimsey|Lord Peter Wimsey]]!
:'''Martin:''' Who the hell's that?
:'''Niles:''' He's a celebrated ''bon vivant'' sleuth from a series of novels by [[w:Dorothy L. Sayers|Dorothy L. Sayers]].
:'''Martin''':Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier at the party meeting a woman dressed as Eve from the Bible''
:'''Frasier:''' Let me guess... [[w:Lady Godiva|Lady Godiva]]?
:'''Eve:''' No, Eve, from the Bible.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".

=== ''The Kid'' [5.4] ===
:''[Frasier enters Café Nervosa.]''
:'''Frasier''': Morning, Roz!
:'''Roz''': ''[annoyed]'' Frasier! What are you doing here?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
:'''Martin''': Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."
:'''Frasier''': I think they call them "bras" now.
:'''Martin''': Not these, you don't. You could cross the [[w:The Bridge on the River Kwai|River Kwai]] on one of those babies.

=== ''The 1000th Show'' [5.5] ===
:''Frasier has just been approached for an [[w:autograph|autograph]] in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]], and told he is “the smartest guy on the face of the earth”''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in [[w:Tibet|Tibet]], but why split hairs? ''(signs autograph, exit fan)'' Where was I?
:'''Niles:''' You were last seen hiking up Mount [[w:Id, ego, and super-ego|Ego]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne is on the phone trying desperately to renew her [[w:passport|passport]], and she feels the victim of discrimination''
:'''Daphne:''' No, I’m a [[w:alien (law)|resident alien]] here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!
:'''Martin:''' You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)

=== ''Voyage of the Damned'' [5.6] ===
:''Martin and Eddie have just come in from the rain, and Eddie has shaken himself dry all over Frasier's recently waxed floor''
:'''Frasier:''' Daphne, get this canine [[w:irrigation sprinkler|sprinkler]] out of here!
:'''Daphne:''' Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”
:'''Frasier:''' I sincerely doubt that!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carlos''': ''Buenas noches. ¿Hablas español?''
:'''Roz''': Uh, not really.
:'''Carlos:''' Is no matter. I'm sure you are schooled in the... international language.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, Roz. Say something amusing in [[w:Esperanto|Esperanto]](!)

=== ''My Fair Frasier'' [5.7] ===
:'''Frasier''': You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?
:'''Roz''': Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
:'''Frasier''': Your "glow." Oh please, Roz. Do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?
:'''Roz''': So I tell him, and he says "Fine, it's not a problem." Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.
:'''Frasier''': Well, maybe he was telling the truth.
:'''Roz''': He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are in Frasier's apartment, discussing Frasier's relationship''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.
:'''Niles:''' I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.
:'''Frasier:''' What on God's earth are you talking about?
:'''Daphne:''' I think what he means is: you're the girl!

=== ''Desperately Seeking Closure'' [5.8] ===
:''Frasier is trying to work out why Sam broke up with him. Roz thinks he is obsessing, and tells him off''
:'''Roz:''' I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz [[w:Expressway|Expressway]]”.
:'''Niles:''' I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles establishes that Frasier was not exactly in love; just saw it as a possibility for the future''
:'''Niles:''' Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even ''possibly'' sometime down the line ''perhaps'' fall in love with. I'm surprised the [[w:country music|country music]] people haven't jumped all over this one!

=== ''Perspectives on Christmas'' [5.9] ===
:''Martin is practising his song with Frasier and Niles. There is one particularly high note giving him trouble''
:'''Niles:''' Why don't you start here (“Oh night”)? And I want to hear you really attack the note.
:''Martin attempts the phrase of music, and at the ensuing sound Eddie buries his head under a cushion''
:'''Niles:''' Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

=== ''Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name'' [5.10] ===
:''In a [[w:flashback|flashback]] to Frasier and Niles at school, the pair don't think much of the lunch in the cafeteria''
:'''Young Niles:''' This lunch is a culinary [[w:LZ 129 Hindenburg|Hindenburg]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is very quick to dismiss Daphne's suggestion of meeting her friend Claire for a date''
:'''Frasier:''' I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.
:'''Daphne:''' She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.
:'''Frasier:''' So you ''do'' know my policy. Off we go!

=== ''Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do'' [5.11] ===
:''Daphne has just told Niles and Frasier about discovering the ring''
:'''Niles:''' Do you know what that means?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(ruefully)'' Yes! We’re going to hear what [[w:Felix Mendelssohn|Mendelssohn’s]] ''[[w:Wedding March (Mendelssohn)|Wedding March]]'' sounds like on the [[w:banjo|banjo]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is trying to establish whether Martin knows about Sherry’s previous marriages, by telling a falsified [[w:anecdote|anecdote]]''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the [[w:Puritan|puritanical]] streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?
:'''Martin:''' There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.

=== ''The Zoo Story'' [5.12] ===
:''[The station has hired a tough arbitrator, "The Hammer," to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe and Roz come in cheering.]''
:'''Gil''': How on earth did you get all that?
:'''Bebe''': Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.... Usually, that's just a metaphor.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Bebe confronts Frasier and presents him with a contract, promising that if he employs her again she will cut him a very good deal''
:'''Frasier:''' Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?

=== ''The Maris Counselor'' [5.13] ===
:''Niles has broken down in tears in the middle of his therapy group. Frasier is trying to keep the patients calm by claiming it is [[w:empathy|empathy]]''
:'''Frasier:''' We've had quite a [[w:catharsis|catharsis]] here. Now, traditionally it is the ''patients'' that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.

=== ''The Ski Lodge'' [5.14] ===
:''Maris is ruthless in her pursuit of a [[w:divorce|divorce]] settlement''
:'''Niles:''' When we were courting, I sent her a Valentine that said: "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours". Now they're calling it a [[w:prenuptial|pre-nup]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier finds Guy waiting in Niles' bed for him to return''
:'''Guy:''' You are not the Crane I want!
:'''Frasier:''' You're not even the ''sex'' I want!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''About Annie''
:'''Niles:''' I grant you, she's cuddly, but isn't she a bit...what would the polite euphemism be? Stupid?
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time.
:'''Niles:''' Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in ''[[wikipedia:Pygmalion (play)|Pygmalion]]''.

=== ''Room Service'' [5.15] ===
:'''Lilith''': Excuse me. I'm looking for Frasier Crane. They told me he'd be here.
:'''Roz''': Lilith, it's me. Roz Doyle.
:'''Lilith''': Oh, yes, it's Frasier's fun-loving assistant...''(notices she is pregnant)'' who's apparently had too much fun... loving.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lilith's husband has left her for their male contractor.]''
:'''Lilith:''' It's ironic, isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband [[w:Coming out|comes out of it]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
:'''Niles''': Oh, so that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
:'''Frasier''': Go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this...for a man!
:'''Niles''': Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''While Frasier waits in the hotel room, Lilith stealthily informs Niles, who is hiding in the [[w:bathroom|en-suite]], of his brother's amorous intentions''
:'''Niles:''' Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here and...''(catches Lilith's eye)'' yes, I'm aware of the irony.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': You know, it's funny; I have never stopped desiring you, Lilith, even though I know we are completely wrong for each other. But now, when I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is ''one'' bucket of ice water, let me tell you!

=== ''Beware of Greeks'' [5.16] ===
:''Martin blames Frasier for the rift with Nikos' mother''
:'''Martin:''' I can't believe because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!
:'''Frasier:''' Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for [[w:dolma|stuffed grape leaves]] and [[w:zither|zither]] music!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
:'''Martin:''' Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?
:'''Frasier:''' No, but I'd like to give it a try.

=== ''The Perfect Guy'' [5.17] ===
:''Roz is swooning over the station's attractive new host''
:'''Roz:''' I can't work with a guy that handsome... No offense.
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same—
:'''Roz:''' Species?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gil:''' I must admit, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
:'''Roz:''' You didn't notice? You of all people?
:'''Gil:''' Just what are you insinuating?
:'''Roz:''' Well, you know... you're a little...
:'''Gil:''' For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
:'''Frasier:''' You're... married?
:'''Bulldog:''' To a woman?
:'''Gil:''' Of course to a woman! Well, you've all heard me mention Deb. How many times have I said, "I must run along now, Deb will be waiting!"
:'''Roz:''' We thought Deb was your cat.
:'''Gil:''' She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a [[w:Sarah Lawrence|Sarah Lawrence]] graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well, and knows how to use a [[w:pastry bag|pastry bag]]! ''[exits in a huff]''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "[[w:Coming out|in]]" himself.

=== ''Bad Dog'' [5.18] ===
:''Frasier runs into Niles in the elevator, and sees him wearing an absurd-looking grey cap''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, what have we determined about your success with…impulse purchases?
:'''Niles:''' Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.
:'''Frasier:''' My suggestion exactly.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has taken a simple but effective approach to exposing Bulldog as a [[w:charlatan|charlatan]]''
:'''Frasier:''' Thanks, Dad.
:'''Martin''': I'm not a hero; I just wanted you to shut up.

=== ''[[w:Frasier Gotta Have It|Frasier Gotta Have It]]'' [5.19]===
:''Frasier tells his family that he tried, and failed, to break up with Caitlin''
:'''Frasier:''' Why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a [[w:Sexual addiction|sexaholic]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier tries to explain to Caitlin why he thinks things won't work out between them''
:'''Frasier:''' I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you're a [[w:Free spirit|free-spirited]], adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl!

=== ''Roz and the Schnoz'' [5.21] ===
:''Martin is excited about his trip to San Francisco with Duke to retrace their steps from their shore leave there in 1952''
:'''Martin:''' Back then, there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.
:'''Frasier:''' You know Dad, I think you'll find Frisco hasn't changed all that much.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Roz talks about having in-laws without being married.]''
:'''Roz''': That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. ''[Frasier looks shocked]'' Shut up. I needed the credits.

=== ''The Life of the Party'' [5.22] ===
:''Niles proudly shows Frasier a photograph of his new 18th-century Turkish [[w:Prayer mat|prayer rug]]''
:'''Niles:''' Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
:'''Frasier:''' Certainly worked for the dealer.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After Vickie turns him down, Frasier is rather upset. Roz has other things to worry about''
:'''Frasier:''' What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
:'''Roz:''' Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN [[w:childbirth|LABOR]]!

=== ''Party, Party'' [5.23] ===
:''Niles has met a woman who lives in Frasier's building, and things are going well''
:'''Niles:''' I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.
:'''Frasier:''' Which is more than can be said for your squash game.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin wants to take Frasier to see ''Chimps on Ice'' for his birthday; Frasier wants to stay in and watch ''[[w:Così fan tutte|Così fan tutte]]''
:'''Martin:''' Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.
:'''Frasier:''' No, and [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart's]] still kicking himself.

=== ''Sweet Dreams'' [5.24] ===
:''Niles offers to take Martin out to a new fusion restaurant. As they leave, Frasier picks up the phone''
:'''Martin''': Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?
:'''Niles''': Well... ''(closes the door)''
:'''Frasier''': Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. ''(Martin returns)'' Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kenny''': Since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.
:'''Frasier''': Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.

== Season 6 ==
=== ''Good Grief'' [6.1] ===
:''Frasier is still in denial''
:'''Frasier:''' I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
:'''Martin:''' ''(to Niles)'' A couple more days like this, he's gonna be ''in'' a beloved Seattle [[w:Psychiatric hospital|institution]].

=== ''Frasier's Curse'' [6.2] ===
:''Daphne is relieved when Martin and Niles arrive, as Frasier is depressed after his disastrous job interview''
:'''Daphne:''' He mumbled something about it being worse than the [[w:Dresden|Dresden]] première of [[w:Robert Schumann|Schumann's]] [[w:Symphony No. 2 (Schumann)|Second Symphony]].
:'''Niles:''' ''(panics)'' And you left him alone?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier announces his alternative plans for the evening, after deciding not to attend the reunion''
:'''Frasier:''' Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new [[w:audiobook|book on tape]]: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
:'''Daphne:''' ''Now'' who's cursed?!

=== ''Dial M for Martin'' [6.3] ===
:''[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together.]''
:'''Niles''': I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
:'''Roz''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
:'''Niles''': Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne announces that maybe it is time she moved on, since Martin may not need her help any more''
:'''Daphne:''' I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ''ever'' get better.

=== ''Hot Ticket'' [6.4] ===
:''Niles is trying to learn how to smoke, before Stephen Kendall joins him for a cigarette at the [[w:Intermission|interval]]''
:'''Niles:''' I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of ''[[w:The Petrified Forest|The Petrified Forest]]''.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.

=== ''First Do No Harm'' [6.5] ===
:''Frasier decides to attempt a reconciliation with Marie''
:'''Frasier:''' Sometimes the best apology is the truth.
:'''Niles:''' You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(pause)'' Well, not that truth. Some other truth!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles suggests that Frasier may find Marie fascinating because her problems give him a psychiatric challenge''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?

=== ''Secret Admirer'' [6.6] ===
:'''Martin''': ''(looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper)'' Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! ''(laughs)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles tells how he returned Maris' gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over''
:'''Niles:''' She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her [[w:ocelot|ocelot]].
:'''Martin:''' You know, they got a cream for that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier's date was a disaster, and Maris is threatening to ruin Niles''
:'''Niles:''' I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
:'''Frasier:''' And I ''won't'' be!

=== ''How to Bury a Millionaire'' [6.7] ===
:''Niles has made an [[w:emergency stop|emergency stop]] in his hatchback and fallen off the seat. He is talking to Frasier and Martin on the car phone''
:'''Niles:''' Dad, come quickly! I need your help.
:'''Martin:''' Oh, my God! What is it?
:'''Niles:''' I need you to get up here and pretend this is ''your'' car.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has been on an epic journey through Niles' apartment to bring him some [[w:aspirin|aspirin]]''
:'''Niles:''' ''(reads the box)'' This aspirin's expired.
:'''Martin:''' Well, it wasn't when I found it.

=== ''The Seal Who Came to Dinner'' [6.8] ===
:''Daphne chastises Martin for flirting with her friend Pam''
:'''Martin:''' Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
:'''Daphne:''' Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles is suspected of murder after he is seen dumping a body into the sea from a rowing boat''
:'''Niles:''' My wife is alive! She's in [[w:Antwerp|Antwerp]] having her elbows done!
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe ''that'' one!

=== ''Roz, a Loan'' [6.9] ===
:'''Niles:''' Dad, have you seen Frasier's [[w:frittata|frittata]] pan?
:'''Martin:''' ''(looks at him)'' Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.

=== ''Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz'' [6.10] ===
:''Helen asks Niles to propose a toast, and he is keen to uphold the Jewish façade''
:'''Niles:''' ''[[w:Chayyim|L'Chaim]]!'' ''[[w:Mazal Tov|Mazal Tov]]!'' Next year in [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]!
:'''Frasier:''' ''[quietly]'' Take it down a notch, [[w:Tevye|Tevye]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''This continues when Martin discovers the guests and complains that no one informed him''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
:'''Niles:''' Oh, all right, but he'll probably just ''[[w:kvetch|kvetch]]'' at me and frankly I don't need the ''[[w:List of English words of Yiddish origin#tsuris|tsuris]]''…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles! ''[mouths]'' Half that!

=== ''Good Samaritan'' [6.11] ===
:''Niles has come to the police station to bail Frasier out.''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to the desk sergeant)'' Excuse me, if you could get our [[w:bill (payment)|bill]] together, we're ready to settle up here.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier sits his son down and tries to explain the trouble he has been in''
:'''Frasier:''' For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
:'''Frederick:''' Mom's coming?

=== ''Our Parents, Ourselves'' [6.12] ===
:''Roz has just mimed a [[w:Hail Mary pass|Hail Mary pass]] to help Frasier out when a caller starts talking about [[w:American football|American football]]''
:'''Roz:''' I'm impressed you're so good at [[w:charades|charades]].
:'''Frasier:''' I'm impressed ''you'' could mime a virgin.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier and Roz worry about growing old alone, and Frasier casually suggests a pact''
:'''Roz:''' You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…
:'''Frasier:''' Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
:'''Roz:''' I was gonna say ''kill'' each other.

=== ''The Show where Woody Shows Up'' [6.13] ===
:''Frasier returns from a terrible evening at the karaoke bar''
:'''Frasier:''' For starters, Woody sang “[[w:What Kind of Fool Am I?|What Kind of Fool Am I?]]” Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with “[[w:Anything You Can Do (song)|Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better]]”. They were both wrong.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Woody has announced he has to leave Seattle ahead of schedule, having learned that his daughter has an ear infection''
:'''Frasier:''' Goodbye, Woods. ''(closes the door)'' God bless the [[w:virus|virus]] that invaded that little girl's ear canal!

=== ''To Tell the Truth'' [6.15] ===
''Niles fears that his feelings for Daphne will be made public in court''
:'''Niles''': I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court [[w:Shorthand|stenographer]].

=== ''Decoys'' [6.16] ===
:''Niles does not appreciate Roz teasing him when she finds out about his feelings for Daphne''
:'''Niles:''' Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.
:'''Roz:''' Well, sure I have.
:'''Niles:''' I'm not talking about when the [[w:Foreign worker|migrant workers]] leave at the end of the picking season.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin and Frasier are leaving the cottage''
:'''Martin:''' Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice [[w:Sloppy joe|Sloppy joe]]. I'll pay for it.
:'''Frasier:''' Something tells me I'll pay for it too.

=== ''Dinner Party'' [6.17] ===
:''The message from the Walburts start Frasier and Niles arguing about who "that other one" refers to''
:'''Niles:''' This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an [[w:Extension (telephone)|extension]].
:'''Frasier:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Better yet, why don't we just get on a [[w:Tandem bicycle|bicycle built for two]], ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Nina Duncan has phoned to announce that the Joaquín she will be bringing is her foster child''
:'''Niles:''' So, he's not the conductor of the [[w:Buenos Aires|Buenos Aires]] Philharmonic?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, you ''are so'' "that other one"!

=== ''Taps at the Montana'' [6.18] ===
:''Niles tries to cover up the death of Baby by pretending she is tired from travelling''
:'''Mrs Latimer:''' You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?
:'''Niles:''' Well, she has family there.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Carol Larkin has just suggested a party game of "Murder"''
:'''Mrs. Latimer:''' Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me. I know a little nook where no one will find us.
:'''Martin:''' This game's a lot scarier than I thought!

=== ''IQ'' [6.19] ===
:''Daphne is in the middle of an online conversation with Donny, and asks Niles what he is saying now''
:'''Niles:''' Er, "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish [[w:crumpet|cwumpet]]". Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''As soon as Niles has left, Frasier decides that he must not be upstaged at the lunch on account of his IQ''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the [[w:cosmos|cosmos]], [[w:black hole|black hole]]s, [[w:matter|matter]], [[w:antimatter|antimatter]], and I won't matter at all!

=== ''Dr. Nora'' [6.20] ===
:''Niles is trying to grow a [[w:moustache|moustache]]. So far it is barely visible''
:'''Niles:''' I grant you, it's at an early stage.
:'''Frasier:''' What stage? [[w:Research and development|Research and development]]?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Roz has been flirting with Dr. Nora's producer, George, while Frasier declares war on Dr. Nora herself''
:'''Roz:''' You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?
:'''George:''' Yeah!
:'''Roz:''' Well, it's WAR!

=== ''When a Man Loves Two Women'' [6.21] ===
:''Niles learns that Frasier had a date the previous evening, and expresses his condolences, assuming it went badly.''
:'''Niles:''' A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you. I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.
:''[Enter Cassandra]''
:'''Cassandra:''' Good morning.
:'''Frasier:''' Keep thinking.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier now has both Faye and Cassandra in the apartment, each unaware of the other's presence. Niles has only seen Cassandra.''
:'''Frasier:''' This is a disaster!
:'''Niles:''' What is?
:''[Faye enters.]''
:'''Faye:''' Hi, Niles.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, I'm up to speed!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Got anymore hiding in the Grotto, [[w:Hugh Hefner|Hef]]?

=== ''Visions of Daphne'' [6.22] ===
:''Daphne tells Frasier about Niles' advice regarding her vision''
:'''Daphne:''' Unlike you, he believes in my visions. He knows I have a gift. ''(exit)''
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, and he's been trying to unwrap it for six years!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne tells Niles about her vision''
:'''Niles:''' ''[excited]'' I think I know who this person is.
:'''Daphne:''' You do?
:'''Niles:''' Yes.
:'''Daphne:''' Well, I don't see how you could. I couldn't tell myself. He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bow tie.
:'''Niles:''' I don't have a... ''[realises]'' clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding.

=== ''Shutout in Seattle'' [6.23-4] ===
:''Frasier wants to know what happened to his favorite scented candle in the bathroom''
:'''Daphne:''' I'm going to let my [[w:Attorney at law|attorney]] handle this one.
:'''Donny:''' I'm sorry, Frasier, you know. I guess after a little [[w:Champagne (wine)|champagne]] we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. And don't worry; we'll replace the candle.
:'''Frasier:''' If only you could replace the image.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Kit is out smoking on Frasier's balcony, and coughing at intervals''
:'''Niles:''' She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.
:'''Frasier:''' You may have to return the favor.

==Season 7==
=== ''Momma Mia'' [7.1] ===
:''Martin has just met Mia, and is shocked at how much she resembles his late wife. She seems to like the cabin''
:'''Mia:''' I feel like I'm in Heaven.
:'''Martin:''' I'm starting to feel that way myself.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
:'''Niles''': It is not a phobia! I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!

=== ''Father of the Bride'' [7.2] ===
:'''Niles''': Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their [[w:Great Dane|Great Dane]] and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
:'''Frasier''': I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about his date]'' She was... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason: it was Mr. Waggles' birthday. Actually, his birthday party. Actually, his ''surprise'' birthday party!

=== ''Radio Wars'' [7.3] ===
:''Frasier is not happy that Martin found the prank phonecall so amusing''
:'''Martin:''' D'you think you could get me a tape of the show?
:'''Frasier:''' What on earth for?
:'''Martin:''' How often d'you get to hear your son on the radio?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(glares at him)'' I'm on the radio EVERY DAY!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin has pointed out to his sons that bullies have always targeted them because they acted like they were above everyone else''
:'''Frasier:''' Daphne, tell me: do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
:'''Daphne:''' That's it! I'm getting me door [[w:Soundproofing|soundproofed]]!

=== ''Everyone's a Critic'' [7.4] ===
:''Roz has arrived in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]], and seen Poppy at another table with some other KACL workers''
:'''Roz:''' I see Poppy's having a little party.
:'''Frasier:''' That is not a party; that's a [[w:Hostage crisis|hostage situation]].
<hr width=50%>
:''The news about Frasier's prospective new arts show starts an argument with Niles''
:'''Niles:''' You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
:'''Frasier:''' I do ''not'' have what you have; my audience is twice as large as yours is!
:'''Niles:''' Oh well, at least my audience can read!
:'''Frasier:''' How dare you review my audience!

=== ''The Dog That Rocks the Cradle'' [7.5] ===
:'''Daphne''': I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
:'''Frasier''': I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': We've got to plan for it. We must all be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
:''[Someone knocks at the door.]''
:'''Frasier''': Would you get that?
:'''Niles''': I most certainly will not.

=== ''Rivals'' [7.6] ===
:''Regan has admitted that her name is from a treacherous daughter in [[w:King Lear|King Lear]], which makes it less than flattering''
:'''Regan:''' I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.
:''Enter Martin, who is trying to match them up''
:'''Martin:''' Excuse me again.
:'''Frasier:''' I have no idea what that would be like!
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz is trying to persuade Frasier to buy tickets for a charity ball''
:'''Roz:''' Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide [[w:Emergency management|disaster relief]].
:''Enter Poppy''
:'''Poppy:''' Hi, partners!
:'''Frasier:''' How soon can they get here?

=== ''A Tsar is Born'' [7.7] ===
:''Frasier has just realised that the "game show" Martin wants to watch is The Antiques Roadshow, which he and Niles planned to watch''
:'''Niles:''' I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
<hr width=50%>
:''Dr. Myshkin has arrived to examine the clock, and Frasier asks Daphne to bring in the [[w:caviar|caviar]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, I am so sorry. Here I am, dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into Caviar Time!

=== ''The Late Dr. Crane'' [7.8] ===
:''After a minor car accident''
:'''Niles:''' Are you alright?
:'''Frasier:''' Yes. Thank Heaven your ''fist'' softened the blow of the airbag!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles and Mel are heading out to dinner''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles: nothing puts on [[w:love handles|love handles]] faster than chocolate [[w:soufflé|soufflé]].
:'''Mel:''' Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do!

=== ''The Apparent Trap'' [7.9] ===
:''Frasier urges Niles and Lilith to behave as they used to towards each other: by trading insults''
:'''Niles:''' Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an [[w:Brain freeze|ice cream headache]].
:'''Lilith:''' You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!
:'''Frasier:''' Was that so hard?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne''': Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
:'''Niles''': Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

=== ''Back Talk'' [7.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...''[winces in pain]'' God Almighty!
:'''Niles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!
<hr width=50%>
:'''This is a pivotal moment'''
:''Daphne, relieved that she misunderstood Frasier's musings earlier, is giving him a massage. He is very drowsy after taking the [[w:sedative|tranquilisers]]''
:'''Daphne:''' When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me", he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(half-asleep)'' Oh, that…he meant Niles.
:'''Daphne:''' ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Frasier:''' Niles…he's crazy about you.

===''The Fight Before Christmas'' [7.11] ===
:'''Daphne''': ''[about Niles' longtime crush on her]'' I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
:'''Roz''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Why confuse things?
<hr width=50%>
:''Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' Anything else in the box, [[w:Pandora|Pandora]]?!
=== ''RDWRER'' [7.12] ===
''Frasier and Roz exchange New Year greetings in Nervosa''
:'''Roz''': I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
:'''Frasier''': I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
:'''Roz''': Thank you.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''(on the phone)'' Niles! Where are you calling from?
:'''Niles''': ''(triumphantly)'' From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job of driving, I might add.
:'''Frasier''': But ''I'm'' in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!

===''[[w:They're Playing Our Song (Frasier)|They're Playing Our Song]]'' [7.13]===
:''Daphne has a new and very powerful [[w:vacuum cleaner|vacuum cleaner]], but when she tries using it on Martin's chair it breaks down, with a small explosion''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt ''Pile'' 1957."
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles questions whether Frasier needs as many musicians as he has''
:'''Niles:''' Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, but if less is more, then just think of how much more "more" will be!

=== ''Big Crane on Campus'' [7.14] ===
:''Roz is in Café Nervosa when Frasier runs into Lorna''
:'''Roz:''' So, are you going to ask her out?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-
:'''Martin''': No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With [[w:Moe Howard|Moe Howard]]."
:'''Frasier''': That was [[w:Noël Coward|Noël Coward]]!

===''Out With Dad'' [7.15]===
:''Daphne is complaining that even being engaged doesn't guarantee a date on [[w:Valentine's Day|Valentine's Day]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.
:'''Martin:''' What'd she do this time?
:'''Daphne:''' She died.
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier is embarrassed that Emily just kissed him and is now about to leave.''
:'''Niles:''' ''You're'' embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!

===''Something About Dr. Mary'' [7.16]===
:''Frasier does not want Chuck Ranberg to stand in for Roz, on account of his amusing speech impediment''
:'''Roz''': Hey, Chuck. How's it going?
:'''Chuck''': Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin has suggested that Frasier refuses to restrain Mary because she is black; Frasier denies it''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, owning the CD of "[[w:Ella Fitzgerald|Ella]] sings [[w:George Gershwin|Gershwin]]" does not qualify you as a [[w:Soul music|soul]] brother!

===''[[w:Whine Club|Whine Club]]'' [7.17]===
:'''Frasier''': We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."
:'''Roz''': But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
<hr width=50%>
:''[Wine Club members address Niles, the new corkmaster, to the tune of [[w:Rule, Britannia!|Rule, Britannia]].]''
:Hail, corkmaster,
:The master of the cork,
:He knows which wine goes with fish or pork!

===''Hot Pursuit'' [7.18]===
:''[Niles is asking where Martin is.]''
:'''Daphne''': He's with Donny. They went to a [[w:Tractor pulling|tractor pull]].
:'''Niles:''' ''(as though understanding)'' Oh...
:''(gives her a questioning look)''
:'''Daphne:''' As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
:'''Niles:''' ''(as though understanding)'' Oh...
:''(gives her another questioning look)''
:'''Daphne:''' The answer to your next question is, "beats the hell out of me!"
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend. Some twenty-eight year-old named Marcel. He's a contortionist with the [[w:Cirque du Soleil|Cirque du Soleil]].
:'''Niles''': She's dating French circus folk?
:'''Frasier''': Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.

===''Morning Becomes Entertainment'' [7.19]===
:'''Frasier''': Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?
:'''Daphne''': No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
:'''Bebe''': You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?
:'''Frasier''': Uh-huh.
:'''Bebe''': They haven't come up to it yet.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
:'''Bebe''': Don't worry, dear. I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
:'''Niles''': Have you tried turning into a bat?
:'''Bebe''': I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.

===''To Thine Old Self Be True'' [7.20]===
:''Niles is showing Frasier and Roz a rotund woman eating [[w:bear claw|bear claw]]s outside Café Nervosa''
:'''Roz:''' Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.
:'''Frasier:''' It's childish.
:'''Niles:''' It's Maris!

===''The Three Faces of Frasier'' [7.21]===
:''Frasier is still complaining about the caricature on the way home from the restaurant''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, [[w:encephalitis|encephalitic]]?!
:'''Martin:''' So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.
:'''Frasier:''' It makes me look like I discovered fire!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles and Frasier take their seats at Stefano's, underneath the new portrait''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, there it is. Frasier [[w:skull|Cranium]]!

===''The Dark Side of the Moon'' [7.22]===
:''Frasier is very cross at the state of his kitchen after Simon used it''
:'''Daphne:''' Yes, I guess they got some [[w:take-out|take-out]].
:'''Frasier:''' It looked like a [[w:Kung Pao chicken|Kung Pao]] bomb went off!
<hr width=50%>
:''He then erupts when he discovers a nude Simon in his bed''
:'''Martin:''' Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap. It's the [[w:jet lag|jet lag]]. Couple of days and he'll be [[w:time zone|on our time]].
:'''Frasier:''' A couple more days, he'll be on our [[w:sidewalk|sidewalk]]!

=== ''[[w:Something Borrowed, Something Blue (Frasier)|Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (Part I)]]'' [7.23] ===
:''Roz is not keen on Frasier's suggestion that he accompany her to Daphne's wedding''
:'''Roz:''' Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the [[w:prom|prom]] with your brother.
:'''Frasier:''' Niles and I did not go to the prom together!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne has told Frasier that she found out about Niles' long-time attraction to her.]''
:'''Frasier''': ''[furious]'' Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut! Who was it? Dad? Roz?
:'''Daphne''': You.
:'''Frasier''': ''What?''

=== ''[[w:Something Borrowed, Something Blue (Frasier)|Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (Part II)]]'' [7.24] ===
:''[Daphne has passionately kissed Niles.]''
:'''Niles''': I think you can call me "Niles" now.
<hr width=50%>
:''The final words of the episode, as Daphne and Niles prepare to leave the wedding together in the Winnebago''
:'''Niles:''' Fasten your [[w:seat belt|seat belt]], Daphne.
:'''Daphne:''' Fasten ''yours'', Niles!

==Season 8==
=== ''And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (1)'' [8.1] ===
:''Martin and Frasier observe the conversation between Niles and Mel. Frasier still has the figurine that Donny gave him''
:'''Frasier:''' Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift; I try to do the right thing, I get Mr Chump and a [[w:lawsuit|lawsuit]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public''
:'''Niles:''' Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
:'''Martin:''' Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.

=== ''And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (2)'' [8.2] ===
:''Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception''
:'''Frasier:''' Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
:'''Martin:''' How about you and [[w:Lilith Sternin|Lilith]]?
:'''Frasier:''' It was a rhetorical question!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever''
:'''Photographer:''' How about a kiss?
:'''Niles:''' All right! I hardly know you, but…

=== ''The Great Crane Robbery'' [8.4] ===
:''Frasier is just leaving [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]] when Mel arrives to see Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, Mel.
:'''Mel:''' ''(icily)'' Frasier. You're looking...
:'''Frasier:''' ''(hastily)'' And you. We must do this again. ''(exits)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture''
:'''Daphne:''' Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
:'''Daphne:''' Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)

=== ''Taking Liberties'' [8.5] ===
:''Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out''
:'''Niles:''' Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at ''my'' apartment. Not only that; she's going in ''my'' car, in ''my'' back seat, under a pile of ''my'' coats and blankets!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ferguson''': [[w:Manchester, England|Manchester]], right?
:'''Daphne''': Is it that obvious?
:'''Ferguson''': To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for [[w:Manchester United|United]].
:'''Daphne''': Really? My father once tried like crazy to get [[w:Bobby Charlton|Bobby Charlton]]'s autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!

=== ''Legal Tender Love and Care'' [8.6] ===
:'''Martin:''' Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
:'''Abby''': I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
:'''Frasier:''' Thrust and parry, Dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm''
:'''Frasier:''' I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
:'''Martin:''' Don't worry; you are.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Abby:''' I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
:''[Throws him out of her office.]''
:'''Frasier:''' You still can!

=== ''The New Friend'' [8.7] ===
:''Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke''
:'''Roz:''' Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
:'''Frasier:''' No, I do not deserve ''your'' friendship.
:'''Niles:''' I deserve my own table. Excuse me. ''(exit)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I ''am'' available for that concert…
:'''Niles:''' No, you're not.

=== ''Mary Christmas'' [8.8] ===
:''Kelly Kirkland no longer co-hosts the Christmas parade with her husband''
:'''Frasier''': She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a [[w:cue card|cue card]] girl.
:'''Roz''': How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Now that [[w:Ballantine Brewery|Ballantine]] has been discontinued, Martin is not looking forward to Christmas''
:'''Daphne''': Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.
:'''Niles''': Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.
:'''Martin''': Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

=== ''Frasier's Edge'' [8.9] ===
:''Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist''
:'''Tewkesbury:''' Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
:'''Frasier:''' Have you ever met Lilith?
:'''Tewkesbury:''' No.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(stuttering)'' Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived''
:'''Niles:''' He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
:'''Kenny:''' Stall? ''(beat)'' Stall?!
:'''Niles:''' Yes, like that.

=== ''Motor Skills'' [8.11] ===
:''Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat''
:'''Chelsea''': Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
:'''Daphne''': Why, you've never been bored before?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles realises that students who coast through class are simply frustrated''
:'''Frasier''': So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at [[w:Pythagoras|Pythagoras]].
:'''Niles''': Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

=== ''The Show Must Go Off'' [8.12] ===
:'''Niles''': It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': He has no instincts. He just stinks.

=== ''Sliding Frasiers'' [8.13] ===
:''Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz''
:'''Frasier:''' Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.

=== ''Hungry Heart'' [8.14] ===
:''Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them''
:'''Frasier:''' Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
:''Enter Kenny''
:'''Kenny:''' Doc, I need you in the bedroom. ''(exit)''
:'''Martin:''' ''(pause)'' Pretty.

=== ''Hooping Cranes'' [8.15] ===
:''Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given''
:'''Roz:''' I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
:'''Frasier:''' So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier finally loses patience with Niles' basking in glory''
:'''Frasier:''' The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane ''accidentally'' made a basket. The End!

=== ''DocuDrama'' [8.15] ===
:''During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
:'''Roz:''' Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
:'''Roz:''' Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
:'''Frasier:''' Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! ''(exit)''
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Frasier:''' If I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of Justice!

=== ''It Takes Two to Tangle'' [8.17] ===
:''Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy''
:'''Niles:''' I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
:'''William:''' Okay, which one?
:'''Niles:''' I think it was something by [[w:Anton Chekhov|Chekhov]].

=== ''Forgotten But Not Gone'' [8.18] ===
:''After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman''
:'''Roz:''' Aww, do you really believe that?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to ''myself'' ten minutes ago!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion''
:'''Frasier:''' You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
:'''Martin:''' I don't think it's clear you're ''talking'' about wine.

=== ''Daphne Returns'' [8.19] ===
:''In the midst of the argument''
:'''Niles:''' I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
:'''Daphne:''' Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
:'''Niles:''' Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne:''' You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your [[w:opera|opera]].
:'''Niles:''' You NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!

=== ''The Wizard and Roz'' [8.20] ===
:''Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic''
:'''Tewksbury:''' Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
:'''Roz:''' No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
:'''Tewkesbury:''' Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, ''he's'' wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test''
:'''Daphne:''' Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
:'''Morey:''' It's OK. Dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
:''Niles and Daphne look taken aback''
:'''Morey:''' I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.

=== ''A Passing Fancy'' [8.22] ===
:''Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz''
:'''Kirby:''' She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out''
:'''Kirby:''' So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. [[w:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]].
:'''Kirby:''' The Boss!
:'''Frasier:''' No, Bruce Springsteen.

=== ''A Day in May'' [8.23] ===
:'''Niles''': I'd hardly call this a dog park. ''(looks around)'' It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose [[w:beagle|beagles]] are those?
:'''Daphne''': Don't stare. It only encourages them.

=== ''Cranes Go Caribbean'' [8.24] ===
:'''Frasier''': Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to [[w:Belize|Belize]] after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
:'''Niles''': Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
:'''Frasier''': Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier has had a car accident because of Lana and will miss his flight''
:'''Frasier''': At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.

==Season 9==
=== ''Don Juan in Hell (Part 1)'' [9.1] ===
:''Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet''
:'''Bob:''' Have you been waiting here long?
:'''Frasier:''' Time is irrelevant here in the [[w:Divine Comedy#The Circles of Hell|Seventh Circle of Hell]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Kirby's ex-girlfriend has just arrived unexpectedly at his graduation party, and is furious when she meets his “other lady”''
:'''Roz:''' I was never his lady.
:'''Kirby:''' Damn, baby, that’s cold!
:'''Kristi:''' She’s old enough to be your mother, practically.
:'''Roz:''' Damn, baby, now ''that’s'' cold!

=== ''Don Juan in Hell (Part 2)'' [9.2] ===
:''Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves''
:'''Lana:''' You are a really good f...
:'''Frasier:''' Don’t. Don’t use the F word.
:'''Lana:''' ''(laughs)'' I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re ''friends''!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Diane''': She tried to kill me once.
:'''Hester''': Oh, not this paranoia again!
:'''Diane''': You had a ''gun.''

=== ''[[w:The First Temptation of Daphne (Frasier)|The First Temptation of Daphne]]'' [9.3] ===
:''The [[w:Cricket (insect)|cricket]] in the apartment is driving Frasier insane''
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!
:'''Martin:''' That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne knocks at the door of Niles' office]''
:'''Niles''': Well, this is an unexpected treat.
:'''Daphne''': Niles, I have something to tell you.
:'''Niles''': Is it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
:'''Daphne''': No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.

=== ''[[w:The Return of Martin Crane (Frasier)|The Return of Martin Crane]]'' [9.4] ===

=== ''[[w:Love Stinks (Frasier)|Love Stinks]]'' [9.5] ===
:''Frasier quotes an injurious [[w:Limerick (poetry)|limerick]] about himself to Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' "There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
:'''Niles:''' That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a ''lot'' to be desired…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, you're missing the point!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
:'''Martin:''' Is it worse than [[w:Hemorrhoid|Piles]]?

=== ''[[w:Room Full of Heroes (Frasier)|Room Full of Heroes]]'' [9.6] ===

=== ''[[w:Bla-Z Boy (Frasier)|Bla-Z Boy]]'' [9.7] ===
:''Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
:'''Niles:''' Like to a resort?
:'''Frasier:''' Like to live with you.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, yes. The last resort.

=== ''[[w:The Two Hundredth (Frasier)|The Two Hundredth]]'' [9.8] ===
:'''Roz:''' It's time for another blooper.
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...
:'''Roz:''' ''[on tape]'' Now what the ''[beep]'' is this? You call this a ''[beep]'' paycheck? How the ''[beep]'' am I supposed to live on this ''[beep]''? I'm gonna have a little word with that ''[beep]''-damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-''[beep]''-ing place!
:'''Kenny Daly:''' ''[who's entered]'' Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]''
:'''Frasier''': That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
:'''Niles:''' Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
:'''Niles:''' Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
:'''Frasier:''' Another delightful quirk of mine.
:'''Niles:''' Not from where I'm sitting.
:''[When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]''
:'''Frasier:''' I'll put on some pants.
:'''Niles Crane:''' Zipper goes in front.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne is moping about losing Frasier's tape, so Martin shows her how he's covered up breaking a lot of Frasier's "treasures."]''
:'''Martin''': See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.

=== ''[[w:Sharing Kirby (Frasier)|Sharing Kirby]]'' [9.9] ===
:'''Kirby''': It's true. I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said!

=== ''[[w:Junior Agent (Frasier)|Junior Agent]]'' [9.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': And screw, may I add, ''you!''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': She took your pants, you know!
:'''Kenny Daley''': I know!

=== ''[[w:Bully for Martin (Frasier)|Bully for Martin]]'' [9.11] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[about Martin]'' You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
:'''Frasier''': Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
:'''Niles''': Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
:'''Frasier''': Shut up.

=== ''[[w:Mother Load (1) (Frasier)|Mother Load (1)]]'' [9.12] ===
:''[Frasier has successfully argued a motion forcing [[w:Minor characters on Frasier#Cam Winston|Cam Winston]] to park his [[w:Hummer|Hummer]] in the sub-basement, citing pollution concerns.]''
:'''Cam Winston''': Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cam:''' You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
:'''Frasier:''' If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
:'''Cam:''' Bigger!

=== ''[[w:Mother Load (2) (Frasier)|Mother Load (2)]]'' [9.13] ===
:''[Frasier refuses to let Simon bring a woman into his apartment]''
:'''Simon''': ''[to Frasier]'' Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier has been kept awake for several nights because of Cam Winston draping a giant American flag over his window]''
:'''Daphne''': Still awake, Doctor Crane?
:'''Frasier''': Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.

=== ''[[w:Juvenilia (Frasier)|Juvenilia]]'' [9.14] ===

=== ''[[w:The Proposal (Frasier)|The Proposal]]'' [9.15] ===
:''[Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]''
:'''Frasier''': You knew?
:'''Niles''': Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
:'''[[w:Wolfgang Puck|Wolfgang Puck]]''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes, Dr. Crane?
:'''Frasier''': It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.
:'''Wolfgang Puck''': They're getting "beautifully crunchy."
:'''Frasier''': I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."
:'''Wolfgang Puck''': They're [[w:Cajun|Cajun]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... ''[holds up the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Niles! Of course, I will.

=== ''[[w:Wheels of Fortune (Frasier)|Wheels of Fortune]]'' [9.16] ===
:''Frasier refuses to be taken in by Blaine's apparent disability''
:'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
:'''Frasier:''' Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Blaine:''' I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
:'''Frasier:''' What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.

=== ''[[w:Three Blind Dates (Frasier)|Three Blind Dates]]'' [9.17] ===
:''Niles is trying to orchestrate a chance meeting between Frasier and Lisa in the bookshop, by sending his brother on errands''
:'''Frasier''': Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your [[w:Lackey|lackey]]?
:'''Niles''': No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of [[w:NASCAR|Nas-Car]]."
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After an argument with a shop assistant, Frasier leaves indignantly, dragged by Niles''
:'''Frasier''': You know, by the way: you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!

=== ''[[w:War of the Words (Frasier)|War of the Words]]'' [9.18] ===
:'''John''': Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
:'''Frasier''': And you never shut up!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles encourages Frederick to leave with his dignity intact, but then John Clayton scornfully says he will probably end up in a [[w:state school|state school]]''
:'''Niles:''' How DARE you! ''[to Frederick]'' Can you take him?
:'''Frederick:''' Yeah!
:'''Niles:''' Then spell his ass off!

=== ''[[w:Deathtrap (Frasier)|Deathtrap]]'' [9.19] ===
:''[Frasier and Niles find a skull]''
:'''Niles''': Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
:'''Frasier''': Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
:'''Niles''': Why not?
:'''Frasier''': Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
:'''Frasier''': Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
:'''Niles''': It's pointier.

=== ''The Love You Fake'' [9.20] ===
:''Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a [[w:Combo washer dryer|washer-dryer]]. Frasier has discovered an odd sock''
:'''Frasier''': I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
:'''Daphne''': ''[unperturbed]'' Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. ''[exits]''
:'''Frasier''': I don't have any pinks.
:'''Daphne''': ''[from the kitchen]'' You will.

=== ''Cheerful Goodbyes'' (9.21) ===
:''Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff''
:'''Carla''': ''(getting angrier and angrier as she talks)'' It sticks in my mouth like your rotten [[w:Deviled egg|devilled eggs]]. '''I hate your guts!''' I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
:'''Frasier''': Carla...
:'''Carla''': Knock off! I'm toasting! ''[to Cliff]'' The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're ''leaving'', I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! ''[Noticing that everybody is shocked]'' Anyway...God bless.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cliff''': What's goin' down, Norm?
:'''Norm''': My blood alcohol level. ''[to his beer]'' Suds, do your work.

=== ''The Guilt Trippers'' [9.23] ===
:''[Frasier and Roz have slept together]''
:'''Frasier''': Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
:'''Martin''': Your naked body?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!

=== ''Moons Over Seattle'' [9.24] ===
:''Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle''
:'''Harry:''' I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
:'''Niles:''' ''[pauses]'' I insist!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne''
:'''Niles:''' I'll put you up in a hotel.
:'''Harry:''' I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
:'''Harry:''' Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne:''' So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
:'''Harry:''' But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
:'''Daphne:''' You barely know him.
:'''Harry:''' Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. ''[rubs his fingers together]'' He's worth a bob or two.

==Season 10==
=== ''The Ring Cycle'' [10.1] ===
:'''Gertrude:''' Well, in ''my'' day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
:'''Alice:''' Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
:'''Gertrude:''' ''[to Roz]'' You should talk to your daughter. ''[exits]''
:'''Roz:''' ''[to Alice]'' When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier attempts to reassure Daphne's mother that a civil ceremony does not mean a Godless union''
:'''Frasier:''' For if you truly believe in the [[w:omniscience|omniscience]] and [[w:omnipresence|omnipresence]] of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
:'''Gertrude:''' No, He lives at the church!

=== ''Enemy at the Gate'' [10.2] ===
:''[Niles and Daphne have named their pet [[w:Lovebird|lovebirds]] after themselves]''
:'''Niles:''' This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"
:'''Frasier:''' Trust me: no one is more birdly than Niles.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An angry driver waiting behind Frasier's car claims that only rich people can afford to behave the way he is doing]''
:'''Frasier:''' My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
:'''Niles:''' Yes. ''[to the driver]'' I drive a [[w:Mercedes-Benz|Mercedes]], and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

=== ''Proxy, Prexy'' [10.3] ===
:''Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him''
:'''Frasier''': We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.
:'''Martin''': ''[annoyed]'' Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.

=== ''Kissing Cousin'' [10.4] ===
:''Niles has arrived at Frasier's apartment to find his wife doing housework for his brother and father''
:'''Niles''': Are you proud of yourselves?
:'''Frasier''': We didn't ask her to do anything!
:'''Martin''': She offered!
:'''Niles''': Then why is no one looking me in the eye?

=== ''Tales from the Crypt'' [10.5] ===
:''[Frasier, the victim of Bulldog's latest prank, denies having been fooled, then hears a tape of himself]''
:'''Frasier:''' ''[wailing]'' My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin complains that Frasier makes practical jokes seem like work]''
:'''Martin:''' This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
:'''Frasier:''' Like when?
:'''Martin:''' Like the last time we went to the beach!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Jason’s parents call round to Niles' apartment to sort things out]''
:'''Beverly White:''' It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
:'''Niles:''' ''You're'' embarrassed? Meet our daughter. ''[gestures to Gertrude]''

=== ''[[w:Star Mitzvah (Frasier)|Star Mitzvah]]'' [10.6] ===
:'''Noel''': The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need [[w:Scott Bakula|Scott Bakula]]'s autograph to make my collection complete.
:'''Frasier''': Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
:'''Noel''': Oh, I would! But [[w:William Shatner|William Shatner]]'s restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a ''real'' [[w:Weapons_of_Star_Trek#Phasers|phaser]].

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''[[w:Star Trek|Star Trek]]'' is just a TV show.
:'''Noel''': So was [[w:Evelyn Waugh#Brideshead Revisited (1945)|Brideshead Revisited]]!
:'''Frasier''': You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!

=== ''Bristle While You Work'' [10.7] ===
:''[Frasier has just finished interviewing another candidate and is walking her to the door]''
:'''Frasier:''' Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... ''[closes the door]'' of never!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin is encouraged to hear that Trish is a fan of the [[w:Seattle SuperSonics|Sonics]]]''
:'''Trish:''' I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
:'''Martin:''' Not everybody. Or his brother.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin:''' Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... ''[closes the door]'' asteroid hits Earth!

=== ''Room with a View'' (10.8) ===
:''Frasier is arguing with the surgeon about Niles' operation''
:'''Dr Schaeffer''': Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
:'''Frasier''': And ''my'' expert opinion says otherwise.
:'''Dr Schaeffer''': ''[calm, but annoyed]'' Well, if you're such an expert, maybe ''you'' should perform the surgery.
:'''Frasier''': Maybe I will.
:'''Niles''': ''[whining]'' Dad...
:'''Martin''': ''[sternly]'' Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
:'''Martin''': How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?
:'''Frasier''': Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.

=== ''We Two Kings'' [10.10] ===
:''[Roz encourages Frasier to air his grievances about Christmas]''
:'''Roz:''' Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
:'''Frasier:''' It's just so egregious!
:'''Roz:''' Smaller words.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
:'''Frasier:''' Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you: [[w:Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]] called, and ''you'' are not the centre of the universe!

=== ''Lilith Needs a Favor'' [10.13] ===
:'''Albert:''' My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was nervous because I'd turn ''off'' white.
:'''Lilith:''' I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with [[w:Liquid Paper|Liquid Paper]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' Would we sleep together?
:'''Lilith:''' I was thinking we could ''freeze'' your sperm.
:'''Frasier:''' Is that a "yes" or "no"?

=== ''Daphne Does Dinner'' [10.14] ===
:'''Frasier:''' As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
:'''Martin:''' As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne guards a veiled painting from a curious guest]''
:'''Daphne:''' You've got two choices: you can either ''walk'' away from the painting, or you can ''limp'' away from the painting.

=== ''Trophy Girlfriend'' [10.15] ===
:''Chelsea and Frasier celebrate their mixed doubles win. Frasier cannot resist gloating in front of his brother''
:'''Chelsea''': There's no 'i' in team.
:'''Frasier''': Like there is in Niles!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Well, I'm proud of you two. Squash may not be the toughest sport, but it's still technically a sport.
:'''Chelsea''': What? Squash can be pretty tough! ''(Martin scoffs)'' Oh, no, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.
:'''Martin''': ''(surprised)'' That's the game you guys play?
:'''Niles''': ''(fighting nausea)'' Hell, yeah!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': ''(reading a note in Chelsea's office)'' ''Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She has a... "delibitating" disease.'' Nice try, Ruby.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Roz and Julia find a way to be friends: by insulting each other''
:'''Julia''': You know there's a place down the street that's open all night.
:'''Roz''': Just like your mouth?
:'''Julia''': Just like your legs?

=== ''Fraternal Schwinns'' [10.16] ===
:''[Frasier and Niles are in a bicycle shop]''
:'''Frasier:''' Is there anything else we need?
:'''Niles:''' Hmm, let me see. Oh yes, I know: we need to know how to ''ride them''!
:'''Frasier:''' If a child of four can ride one, then so can we.
:'''Niles:''' That's what we said when we were six!

=== ''Kenny on the Couch'' [10.17] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child [[w:Psychological trauma|trauma]].
:'''Martin:''' What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles learns of Frasier's new patient]''
:'''Frasier:''' Very challenging case. The man has father issues, any number of [[w:neurosis|neuroses]] and a [[w:phobia|phobia]] or two.
:'''Niles:''' Sounds to me like you’ve hit the [[w:crank (person)|crackpot]]!

=== ''Roe to Perdition'' [10.18] ===
:''[Frasier tries to think of a solution to the shortage of caviar.]''
:'''Frasier:''' What was the name of the boat...?
:'''Niles:''' [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|HMS ''Bounty'']]!
:'''Frasier:''' This isn’t ''[[w:Trivial Pursuit|Trivial Pursuit]].'' Let me finish!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin, still frustrated at the amount of [[w:red tape|red tape]] he faces at the bank, takes a phone call in Frasier’s absence]''
:'''Martin:''' No, I'm sorry. Frasier isn’t here. Sure you can place an order. Here, let me transfer you to that department! ''[hangs up]''

=== ''Some Assembly Required'' [10.19] ===
:'''Frasier:''' In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad. It caught fire.

=== ''Farewell, Nervosa'' [10.20] ===
:'''Martin:''' Hey Fras', how was your trip to the accountant?
:'''Frasier:''' Fine, er, fine... why are all these lights on?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Evelyn takes a phone call from her children’s nanny, then hangs up.]''
:'''Evelyn:''' Sorry about that. Susie got stuck in the [[w:Chute (gravity)|laundry chute]] again.
:'''Daphne:''' Aww, poor thing. How old is she?
:'''Evelyn:''' What's the difference? After tomorrow, she’s not our nanny any more.

=== ''The Devil and Dr. Phil'' [10.21] ===
:''Frasier has confided in Niles of how Bebe is trying to lure him back''
:'''Niles:''' I think I’ve figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakeable thirst…
:'''Frasier & Niles:''' ''[unison]'' …for Crane.

=== ''Fathers and Sons'' [10.22] ===
:''[Niles and Daphne are discussing names for a baby]''
:'''Niles:''' How about Desmond?
:'''Daphne:''' Hmm. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?
:'''Niles:''' 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name, so you either end up running them together — Jackrane — or you face the dreaded [[w:glottal stop|glottal stop]]. Jack—Crane. Jack—Crane. It's unpleasant for the throat.
:'''Daphne:''' This conversation’s unpleasant for the throat.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier, Niles, and Leland are singing the Major-General's song. Martin tries to fit in.]''
:'''Leland:''' About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
:'''All:''' With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse—
:'''Martin:''' With many awful facts about the scary [[w:hippopotamus|hippopotamus]]!

=== ''Analyzed Kiss'' [10.23] ===
:''Frasier joins Daphne in a very busy Nervosa''
:'''Frasier''': I've never seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?
:'''Daphne''': It's Mum's day off. Apparently, there was a mass e-mail.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has gone to the shooting range with Niles''
:'''Frasier''': He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that, when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of...''(pause for effect)'' Niles's calibre. ''(chuckles to himself)'' I'm in rare form today.
:'''Daphne''': ''(smiles, unamused)'' You should see this place when they know ''you're'' not coming.

=== ''A New Position for Roz'' [10.24] ===
:''[Worn out by Alice's energetic games, Niles and Daphne place her in front of the TV.]''
:'''Niles:''' Should we really be popping her in front of the tube?
:'''Daphne:''' It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more ''Jung for Youngsters''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is talking about one of his favourite films, Noch einen Stuhl.]''
:'''Frasier:''' It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside [[w:armchair|armchair]].
:'''Roz:''' I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gil Chesterton is toasting Roz at her going-away party thrown by her KACL coworkers.]''
:'''Gil:''' Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A wonderful coworker, and a good friend.
:'''All:''' ''[Sounds of concurrence and chants of ''Hear, hear!'']''
:'''Gil:''' Of course I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. ''[with obvious fervor]'' She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm, away! ''[Gil downs his glass of wine in one long swig.]

==Season 11==
===''No Sex Please, We're Skittish'' [11.01]===
:''Frasier and Roz recall the occasion when they slept together two years previously''
:'''Frasier:''' I seem to recall hearing the term “[[w:stallion|stallion]]-like”
:'''Roz:''' I never said that
:'''Frasier:''' Well, one of us did!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne and Niles have just read the [[w:pregnancy test|pregnancy test]]''
:'''Niles:''' But my slow [[w:sperm|sperm]]...
:'''Daphne:''' I must have fast [[w:ovum|eggs]]!

===''A Man, A Plan, A Gal: Julia'' [11.02]===
:''Niles has observed Frasier's unfortunate dating pattern''
:'''Frasier:''' I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles is encouraging Frasier to commit to commitment. Despite the glib expression, he is inspired''
:'''Frasier:''' I am going to call Julia, and I will ''not'' take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!
:'''Niles:''' ''[grinning]'' You said Flasier.
:'''Frasier:''' I did not!

===''[[w:The Doctor Is Out|The Doctor Is Out]]'' [11.03]===
:''Alistair Burke has just appeared in Café Nervosa''
:'''Frasier''': He is only the ''head'' of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!
:'''Niles:''' His productions are brilliant! He staged a [[w:Philip Glass|Philip Glass]] opera last year and no one left.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!

=== ''The Babysitter [11.04]'' ===
''Frasier finds Ronee in the middle of her musical entertainment at the Wellington''
:'''Ronee''': I'm gonna take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Both Martin and Frasier are trying to humiliate each other in a bid for Ronee's attention''
:'''Frasier''': Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. ''[to Ronee]'' You know, at his age, one slip and it's the [[w:Intensive care unit|ICU]] and then it's I-see-ya later.
:'''Martin''': Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. ''[everyone laughs]'' Of course, that was just last Christmas.

=== ''The Placeholder [11.05]'' ===
:''Frasier does not appreciate being set up by Roz''
:'''Frasier''': I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
:'''Roz''': Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr [[w:Mothball|Mothball]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is just about to part company with Ann''
:'''Ann''': Well, here we are. The awkward part.
:'''Frasier''': Oh, it's not awkward at all. I’d be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. ''(hands over money and runs)''

=== ''[[w:Maris Returns|Maris Returns]]'' [11.07] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can’t tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
:''[He says this first to the [[w:temporary work|temp]] [[w:receptionist|receptionist]], then to four successive patients who all disappear within minutes]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles is having a [[w:panic attack|panic attack]] in the kitchen during the baby shower]''
:'''Martin:''' Calm down, Niles.
:'''Niles:''' I can’t! I’m telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!
:'''Martin:''' Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It’s called marriage!

=== ''[[w:Murder Most Maris|Murder Most Maris]]'' [11.08] ===
:''Niles has had a nervous breakdown and stripped naked in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]]''
:'''Waiter:''' I’m calling the cops!
:'''Roz:''' The hell you are! This man’s tips alone have probably paid for all the [[w:cannabis (drug)|pot]] you’ll ever smoke!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': It's as if you'd forgotten that not ''three days ago'' I was... punched in the face...by a man now dead.
:''He says this, changing time intervals to suit the moment, throughout the episode. Each time, everyone falls reverently silent.''
:'''Frasier''': Thank you!

=== ''Guns N' Neuroses'' [11.09] ===
:'''Frasier''': I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.
:'''Daphne''': An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.
:''Frasier checks his messages''
:'''Voice on the answering machine''': Hello, it's Lilith.
:'''Frasier, Martin and Daphne''': ''[with sudden realization]'' Oh, well.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier’s doorbell rings in his absence. Lilith is expected''
:'''Niles''': Shouldn’t you get the door?
:'''Martin''': You’re closer.
:'''Niles''': I don’t live here.
:'''Martin''': Doesn’t matter. You’re family.
:'''Niles''': So’s Daph…
:'''Daphne''': ''[interrupts]'' Oh no, you don’t!
:'''Lilith''': ''[from outside]'' Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.

=== ''Seabea Jeebies'' [11.10] ===
:''Roz arrives at the awards ceremony with her insufferably smug sister''
:'''Denise''': Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.
:'''Roz''': ''(to a waiter)'' Two [[w:Bloody Mary (cocktail)|Bloody Mary]]s, please. And there's a 20 in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.

=== ''[[w:High Holidays (Frasier)|High Holidays]]'' [11.11] ===
:''[Frasier has just seen Frederick’s goth girlfriend, and is reeling from the shock]''
:'''Niles:''' Well, at least he’s not dating outside the faith.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles has just announced his rebellious plans to Frasier]''
:'''Frasier:''' What?!
:'''Niles:''' I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I’ll have a nurse on [[w:abbreviated dialing|speed-dial]] in case things get too hairy.

=== ''[[w:Frasier-Lite|Frasier-Lite]]'' [11.12] ===
:''A caller on Frasier’s radio show has suddenly become involved in a domestic argument''
:'''Morrie’s daughter:''' I’m running away from home!
:'''Morrie:''' Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You’re not going anywhere!
:'''Frasier:''' ''[calmly]'' And neither is this conversation. ''[cuts them off]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier steps onto the scales at the weigh-in on television''
:'''Presenter:''' Ouch! 1[[w:pound (mass)|lb]] heavier, Fras’!
:'''Frasier:''' That can’t be! I’ve added a [[w:salad|salad]] to every meal!

=== ''The Ann Who Came to Dinner'' [11.13] ===
:'''Martin:''' I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God! Which [[w:sponge (tool)|sponge]]?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne has a surprising reaction to the painting of Niles''
:'''Daphne''': ''(smiling)'' That’s what our son would look like if I were a goat.

=== ''Freudian Sleep'' [11.14] ===
:''Niles arrives at Frasier’s place. He has had a very bad day''
:'''Niles:''' I need a [[w:sherry|sherry]].
:'''Frasier:''' Brace yourself!
:'''Niles:''' ''[sees the empty bottle]'' You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin takes charge''
:'''Martin:''' ''[to Daphne]'' You’re gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. ''[to Frasier]'' You’re afraid you’re gonna end up alone? You’ll still have your family. ''[to Niles]'' You’re afraid you’re gonna be a bad father? Join the club! ''[to all three]'' Now just clam up and go to bed!

=== ''Caught in the Act'' [11.15] ===
''Frasier covers Alice's ears during his conversation with Roz''
:'''Frasier''': If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of [[w:Eros|Eros]].
:'''Roz''': Next time you say something like that, cover ''my'' ears.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Nanette is in Frasier's house and she tries to explain her disdain for carrying on her role as Nanny G''
:'''Nanette''': Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?!

=== ''Boo!'' [11.16] ===
:''[Niles is appalled when he learns the reason for his father’s heart attack.]''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.
:'''Frasier:''' That’s [[w:cosmetics|make-up]], you idiot!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier and Niles discuss the possibility of a future without Martin''
:'''Frasier:''' Now, I can’t imagine life without him.
:'''Niles:''' It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn’t here anymore.
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, I’d get rid of that chair immediately.

=== ''Coots and Ladders'' [11.17] ===
:''Niles does not want to get involved in undoing Frasier’s criminal activity''
:'''Frasier:''' Fine, I’ll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. ''(hands Niles the stolen item)''
:'''Niles:''' What for?
:'''Frasier:''' ''[grabs it back]'' Now your [[w:fingerprint|prints]] are on it too, you ''have'' to help me!
:'''Niles:''' Fiend!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier claims that Niles is afraid of spiders…then also that he is afraid of heights…then also of crowds''
:'''Frasier:''' You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the [[w:arachnophobia|arachno]]-[[w:acrophobia|acro]]-[[w:agoraphobia|agoraphobe]]!

=== ''Match Game'' [11.18] ===
:''[Daphne’s [[w:doula|doula]] insists on a drug-free childbirth, and Roz, as a mother, can hardly believe her ears.]''
:'''Harvest:''' A [[w:natural childbirth|natural childbirth]] needn’t be painful.
:'''Roz:''' It needn’t be, but it be!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne changes her mind about the natural birth after seeing a video of one.]''
:'''Daphne:''' I’m having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!

=== ''Miss Right Now'' [11.19] ===
:''Niles has discovered fast food. Frasier remains unconvinced''
:'''Daphne:''' I guess he's got the fast food bug.
:'''Frasier:''' And which one would that be? [[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]?

=== ''And Frasier Makes Three'' [11.20] ===
:''Frasier explains his strategy for winning Charlotte over''
:'''Frasier:''' I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.
:'''Niles:''' Ah, so you’re going to be ''not'' rugged and ''not'' handsome. Interesting.
:'''Frasier:''' No…
:'''Niles:''' You could also be not passionate and not committed.
:'''Frasier:''' Very funny.
:'''Niles:''' Maybe she’d like you if you were not interesting and not informed…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Charlotte has just told Frasier that she no longer remembers what she and Frank were fighting about.]''
:'''Frasier:''' ''[to Niles]'' You know what that means, don’t you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
:'''Niles:''' I’ve just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

=== ''Detour'' [11.21] ===
''Frasier offers to drive Charlotte to the station''
:'''Frasier:''' I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye. A fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.
:'''Charlotte:''' With a romantic dip.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.
:'''Charlotte:''' ''(leans back)'' Dip. Dip.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I had a great time with you today. With somebody else, it would’ve been a disaster.
:'''Charlotte:''' With somebody else, I would’ve been in Portland.

=== ''Crock Tales'' [11.22] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
:'''Niles:''' Ooh, a lady friend?
:'''Frasier:''' ''[sarcastic]'' No, we’re going to form a [[w:jazz trio|jazz trio]], Niles.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles is drowning his sorrows after separating from Maris]''
:'''Roz:''' Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.
:'''Niles:''' I’m right behind her!

=== ''Goodnight, Seattle'' [11.23-24] ===
:''Charlotte is cooking dinner with Frasier''
:'''Charlotte:''' We’re such a [[w:cliché|cliché]]: the little woman at the stove, the big rugged man with his brawny arm…
:'''Frasier:''' ''[interrupts]'' Oh, the [[w:hollandaise sauce|hollandaise]] is breaking!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After spending time with Daphne’s brothers, Niles is worried about his child''
:'''Niles:''' The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
:'''Frasier:''' Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane [[w:gene|genes]] are in there, too.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!

<hr width=:50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': ''[Last lines on his KACL talk show]'' For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Flight Attendant''': “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago...”
:'''Frasier''':''[Last Lines, to Anne]'' Wish me luck. ''[Fades to black]''

==Memorable Title Cards==
*'''IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT''' ''(screen fades to black, then)'' '''NO, REALLY''' ''(A Mid-Winter Night's Dream)''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Kelsey Grammer|Kelsey Grammer]] - Dr. Frasier Crane
* [[w:David Hyde Pierce|David Hyde Pierce]] - Dr. Niles Crane
* [[w:John Mahoney|John Mahoney]] - Martin Crane
* [[w:Jane Leeves|Jane Leeves]] - Daphne Moon
* [[w:Peri Gilpin|Peri Gilpin]] - Roz Doyle
* [[w: Dan Butler|Dan Butler]] - Bulldog

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0106004|title=Frasier}}
*[http://www.frasieronline.co.uk/ Frasier Online]
*[http://www.nbc.com/frasier/ NBC site]

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television spin-offs]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-13T13:44:24Z

YKWSG: /* Series 4 (1994) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
:'''Workman''': The hoist's up and ready.
:'''Gus''': Sorry?
:'''Workman''': We have an ongoing potential uplift scenario.
:'''Gus''': Ah, got youǃ

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-13T10:49:22Z

YKWSG: /* Series 4 (1994) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
:'''Damien''': Did anyone see ''World in Action''? They sneaked inside a maternity ward, to show how poor security was. I mean, I did that two years agoǃ Do you remember that, George?
:'''George''': How could we forget(?)
:'''Damien''': ''(defensively)'' I put the baby backǃ

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-12T11:03:03Z

YKWSG: /* Series 3 (1993) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
:'''Henry''': All I want is a large drink, a warm bed and a loose woman.
:'''Producer''': Jean Schafer, ''Jim'll Fix It''.
:'''Henry''': I didn't know Jim could fix ''that''.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-12T00:00:36Z

YKWSG: /* Series 2 (1991) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''Damien''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

=== ''The Christmas Party'' ===
:'''Damien''': You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip. ''(Dave takes a swig)'' That's 600.
:'''Sally''': Yes. Well, that's why I don't drink.
:'''George''': ''(tipsy)'' Very wise. One half of shandy could wipe out your whole brainǃ

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-11T18:44:36Z

YKWSG: /* Series 2 (1991) */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
:'''Dave''': Another big statement from President Bush. From inside a bunker.
:'''George''': A bunker?
:'''Dave''': Yeah. Just off the thirteenth green. When the going gets tough, the tough go golfing.

=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
:''Discussing the case of the [[w:Guinness share-trading fraud|Guinness four]]''
:'''George''': This story is so difficult to translate so that a layman can actually understand it. I mean, they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Conspiracy to inflate shares...
:'''Dave''': That's theft.
:'''George''': Then they say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.
:'''Dave''': That's bollocks.

=== ''The Big Day'' ===
:''Discussing an impending interview with [[w:Margaret Thatcher|Margaret Thatcher]]''
:'''Sally''': If we call it "Sally meets Margaret". Stress the informality.
:'''Dave''': What about "The Sal and Madge Show"?
:'''Sally''': What sort of chair do you think I should have?
:'''Henry''': One we can plug in.

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''Henry and Dido'' ===
:'''George''': Well, you are in a good mood, Henry.
:'''Henry''': Why not, George? God's in his Heaven, I'm taking the delightful Julia Jane out to dinner, and I've just fed Sally's dog a box of laxative chocolates.

=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
:'''Dave''': I've always liked the Buddhist idea, when you come back but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.
:'''Damien''': I wonder what I'd come back as.
:'''Dave, Joy and Alex''': A vulture.
:'''Alex''': How about [[w:Princess Michael of Kent|Princess Michael]]?
:'''Dave''': [[w:Myna|Myna bird]].
:'''Damien''': What about [[w:Roy Hattersley|Roy Hattersley]]?
:'''Dave''': Toad.
:'''Alex''': [[w:Cecil Parkinson|Cecil Parkinson]]?
:'''Dave''': Horny toad.
:'''Alex''': Yes, but what would he come back as?

==Series 3 (1993)==

=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.

=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.

=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==

=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==

=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

==Series 6 (1998)==

=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-11T14:46:46Z

YKWSG: /* Series 2 (1991) */

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-11T00:54:54Z

YKWSG: /* Series 1 (1990) */

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-10T21:30:03Z

YKWSG: /* A Blast from the Past */

Drop the Dead Donkey

2015-01-10T15:10:28Z

YKWSG: /* Series 1 (1990) */

That Mitchell and Webb Look

2014-12-08T11:24:06Z

YKWSG: /* Episode 6 */

'''''[[w:That Mitchell and Webb Look|That Mitchell and Webb Look]]''''' is a [[w:sketch comedy|sketch comedy]] television series written by the British comedy duo [[w:Mitchell and Webb|Mitchell and Webb]], and based on their earlier production ''[[w:That Mitchell and Webb Sound|That Mitchell and Webb Sound]]''.

{{tv-stub}}

==Series 1==

===Episode one===
:'''Customer'''ː Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
:'''Waiter'''ː She's gone, sir. They've all gone. And we're back.
:'''Customer'''ː Who?
:'''Waiter'''ː The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters.

====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Stop Thief! He's stolen your wallet, but he's dropped your keys and has escaped, look!"
:'''Gent:''' "Where?"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "There!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Quick, Ginger, not a moment to lose! "
:'''Sir Digby:''' "On a lonely planet spinning its way toward damnation amid the fear and despair of a broken human race, who is left to fight for all that is good and pure and gets you smashed for under a fiver? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "At last! My grant from the foreign office. Now we'll finally crack this mystery."
:'''Ginger:''' "Sir, I cannot feel my left bottom."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The story so far: As usual, Ginger and I are engaged on our quest to find out what the hell is going on and save humanity from my nemesis, some bastard who is presumably responsible."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "One of my nemesis's henchmen, wearing a cunning disguise, tries to foil our plan."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Take his number Ginger!"
:'''Ginger:''' "I'm trying sir, but he's quite strong for a henchman."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The time Ginger, I'm going to get help."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I'm indebted to you, madam. Write to my club for full remuneration."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Right Ginger, Where've you been?"
:'''Ginger:''' "I've been in a police cell for two days, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Well done Ginger. What did you found out?"
:'''Ginger:''' "I've been in a police cell for two days, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Forgive me, you must be tired. Have a sip from my can."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I've made a new contact. Ginger, meet Jaqcues."
:'''Ginger:''' "Hello? Aww, I think he's fallen asleep."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Of course! He's preserving his energy for the fight against my nemesis."
:'''Ginger:''' "Actually I think he's dead, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Really?"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Yeah yeah, felt that."
:'''Ginger:''' "Yeah"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The forces of darkness say - give me my can back. The forces of darkness are moving in. Quick, search Jacques, see if he's got any money."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Will Jacques have any money, or will Ginger be forced to go back on the game? Where will my nemesis strike again - will he attack a political leader, attempt a terrorist outrage, or have another go at stealing my special plastic bag filled with fluff and litter?"

====Cavemen police====
:'''Caveman policeman''': This stone crime, it's rampant. Sometimes I think that the whole advance into stone technology has been something of a double-edged sword.
:'''Caveman pathologist''': Double-edged what?
:'''Caveman policeman''': Don't know.
:'''Caveman pathologist''': No what did you-
:'''Caveman policeman''': No idea.

===Episode 2===
===Episode 3===
:'''Visitor'''ː What happened to the friendly lady vicar with the colourful jumper, that I met last week?
:'''Vicar'''ː She's gone, child. They've all gone. Banished by the Bishop. I know where they're going eventually. In the meantime, Daventry. And we're back.
:'''Visitor'''ː Who?
:'''Vicar'''ː The incredibly horrible and twisted people who are still unaccountably vicars.

===Episode 4===
===Episode 5===
===Episode 6===
:'''Customer'''ː Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
:'''Tailor'''ː She's gone, sir. They've all gone. They've all been driven out, and the burning remains of their tawdry rags cast after them. And we're back.
:'''Customer'''ː Who?
:'''Tailor'''ː The incredibly intimidating and aristocratic people who still unaccountably sell clothes.

==Series 2==
===Episode 1===
:'''Mitchell''': ''[in a [[w:Sky Sports|Sky Sports]] teaser parody]'' Thousands and thousands of hours of football, each more climactic than the last! Constant, dizzying, twenty-four hour, yearlong, endless football! Every kick of it massively mattering to someone, presumably. Watch it all, all here, all the time, forever, it will ''never'' stop, the football is officially going on forever! It will never be finally decided who has won the football! There is still everything to play for, and ''forever'' to play it in! So that's the football! Coming up! Watch it! Watch the football! Watch it! Watch it! It's gonna move... Watch the football! It's football!

====Scooby Doo Sketch====

:'''Webb''': Oh, well if were having Freddy, we've got to invite Daphne and Velma as well.
:'''Mitchell''': Oh yeah, those three are absolutely priceless. Especially when Velma does her losing her glasses routine.
:'''Webb''': Yeah, that kills me. Why doesn't she get contacts?
:'''Mitchell''': Oh, I think its a lesbian thing.
:'''Webb''': I just had a thought.
:'''Mitchell''': What?
:'''Webb''': Well, if we invite Freddy, Daphne and Velma, there's a chance they'll bring that other one.
:'''Mitchell''': Oh God, the scrawny one. The one that doesn't wash, what's his name?
:'''Webb''': Well, we don't know. I mean he calls himself Shaggy, but I certainly don't believe that's his name. I think its some kind of hollow sexual boast.
:'''Mitchell''': I think it definitely is. He's desperately trying to present himself as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugly and incredibly cowardly. The last time I saw him, he was literally shaking and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a very long corridor that had to be there.
:'''Webb''': Well, that's certainly no way to make people have sex with you, but maybe were being harsh on him. I mean he's so thin and he's always shaking. He's probably in the throes of some gritty smack battle. Let's ask him along.
:'''Mitchell''': Yeah, I mean how much harm can he do...Although.
:'''Webb''': What?
:'''Mitchell''': Well there's a chance, just a small one, that he might bring his dog.
:'''Webb''': Oh, not his bloody dog. He won't bring his dog, people don't bring their dogs to parties.
:'''Mitchell''': Shaggy does. If anyone is going to bring a dog to anything, he is going to bring his dog to this.
:'''Webb''': He treats that dog like its a person, its creepy. You know, I think that dog must have been mistreated in the past, it's incredibly nervous. Do you remember that Halloween party that Shaggy was at? Every time a new person came in, dressed as a ghost or whatever, the dog would have an absolute fit, make the most unnatural noises and jump into Shaggy's arms. I was convinced it was gonna shit everywhere.
:'''Mitchell''': Well, I tell you, that's not the worst of it, do you remember at Jodie's do? You remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fair ground. Well, I was just popping into the kitchen for some more rice, and who should I find, but Shaggy and his dog, assembling the two tallest sandwiches I have ever seen.
:'''Webb''': ''[Walks over to the fridge, opens it]'' I know. They made one the last time they were here, but... ''[Takes a tall sandwich out of the fridge]'' They had a freak out before they could eat it.
:'''Mitchell''': I think its cruel to make a dog eat that.
:'''Webb''': ''[Putting the tall sandwich back into the fridge]'' I'll tell you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter, because he's obviously invested a lot of time in teaching that dog to talk and it just can't. I mean, maybe he thought he was going to get it on 'That's Life' or something, but its just not happened.
:'''Mitchell''': Yes, which is a pity really because of course the dog's nephew, also a dog, a little puppy, actually talks very well.
:'''Webb''': That's right, I've met that little dog and it actually speaks very good English. Its also quite a lot braver, if a little impetuous.
:'''Mitchell''': It is a bit impetuous yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a talking dog.
:'''Webb''': Yes, I think you do, I think you do.

===Episode 2===
====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====
:'''Sir Digby:''' "In a world spinning as fast as the inside of Homebase when you've just had a go at a four-pack of Dulux tester cans, who is left to fight for all that is right and proper and good and leather and full of money and belonging to that teenager who doesn't look like he can handle himself? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Excellent use of the Monogram Panty Liner…"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I believe we are looking for a menstruating child who is waterproof to a depth of fifty meters."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Gadzooks! He must be hiding amongst these cake-eating dwarfs!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "How did my nemesis shrink himself? When will Ginger find a better method for discovering waterproof dwarfs? Why don't kids' parties have real booze anymore like they did when I was a dwarf? Find out in the next enthralling instalment of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar."

===Episode 3===
====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====

:'''Sir Digby:''' "Tell mama I wont be dining tonight."
:'''Security:''' "You two, out!"
:'''Ginger:''' "But we're not having sex, we're not having sex!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Ginger, I think my nemesis has corrupted even my beloved mother!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "In a country lacerated by the sharp shards of broken brown-eyed promises, in a world bent low by the burden of disease, war and the price of Thunderbird, who is left to make full account of God and Britain's depleted moral mini bar? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
:'''Countess:''' "He's got germs!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Ginger, beat the crap out of her!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "How will I break the unholy alliance between the Countess and my nemesis? How will I tell friend from foe if not by asking them for a quid and then pushing them over? Is it true that if you sneak into the London eye they let you sleep there?"

===Episode 3===
:'''Mitchell''': Welcome to ''Back to Life''...
:'''Webb''': ...''Back to Reality''.
:'''Mitchell''': The show that adds an "un-" to the phrase "safe revival of cryogenically frozen billionaires"...
:'''Webb''': ...and an "ir-" to the phrase "responsible treatment of reanimated cadavers!"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sir Digby''': "How many harmless narcotics must Ginger and I consume before the empire is safe? What the hell happened to my grant from the Home Office? How much longer will Benji's remain the only sandwich shop not to have security men on the door? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Robert:''' So when... do they use the kilns?
:'''David:''' I just told you, they don't use kilns. There are no kilns.
:'''Robert:''' So you're telling me that they don't have to heat up milk to make cheese?
:'''David:''' That's exactly what I'm saying. You don't get cheese just by cooking milk.
:'''Robert:''' That's how it was discovered. Someone left some milk on a hot stone, and it turned into cheese.
:'''David:''' That isn't true.
:'''Robert:''' That's how they used to store it when they had too much milk. They didn't have fridges David.
:'''David:''' I accept that, Rob.
:'''Robert:''' So then how did they turn the cheese back into milk? They needed kilns!
:'''David:''' You can't turn cheese back into milk. Apply heat to cheese, and what you get is melted cheese, not milk.
:'''Robert:''' You don't know what the hell you're talking about, do you?!
:'''David:''' I know how cheese is made.
:'''Robert:''' Oh, really?
:'''David:''' Yes, yes. Well you take the milk, and then you leave it to... to not ferment exactly, but then you scrape... you separate the curds and whey.
:'''Robert:''' This isn't a nursery rhyme, David.
:'''David''' And then you leave it until-
:'''Robert:''' You put it into the kiln until it forms a hard skin, so that it doesn't fall to bits.
:'''David:''' Cheese doesn't form it's own skin! They put the skin on!
:'''Robert:''' They put the skin on?!
:'''David:''' YES.
:'''Robert:''' Did you hear what you just said?! They put the skin ''on''?
:'''David:''' Oh, what so you think Edam has a particularly red skin because of the temperate they baked the milk at?!
:'''Robert:''' I'M NOT CLAIMING TO BE A FUCKING SCIENTIST, DAVID. I just know they don't- how do they put the skin on?!
:'''David:''' I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY PUT THE FUCKING SKIN ON.
:'''Robert:''' What are we talking about then?
:'''David:''' I didn't start it!
:'''Robert:''' You've got a problem mate.
:'''David:''' No YOU'VE got a problem.
:'''Robert:''' You've got a problem.
:'''David:''' You've got a problem.

===Episode 4===
:'''David''': ''[presenting the prizes for the "Conveyor Belt Round" as people walk by carrying them]'' Food objects! Fuel! Tablets! Holy tablets! ''[A presenter carries a toy dog past]'' Frightening animal! Someone's head! ''[A presenter carries a traffic cone past]'' We don't know but they're everywhere. A stone. A stone. A stone. A stone. ''[A presenter carries a giant clock on a stand past]'' We don't know but they're everywhere, ''[A presenter carries another stuffed toy past]'' frightening animal.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Director''': John.
:'''John''': Yeah?
:'''Director''': John you were talking.
:'''John''': Was I?
:'''Director''': Yeah, you said "Now we know".
:'''John''': "Now we know"?
:'''Director''': Yeah.
:'''John''': ''[to his co-star]'' Did I?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah you did a bit.
:'''John''': Oh my god, how weird. Sorry.
:'''Director''': Not to worry, lets go again, straight away.

''The camera is rolling''

:'''John''': Now we know! NOW WE KNOW! YEAH NOW WE KNOW!
:'''Director''': Cut!
:'''John''': Sorry, I know what that was. I was in her light, wasn't I?
:'''Director''': Uh a bit....No..More its sort of the same thing again really.
:'''John''': What?
:'''Director''': The saying "Now we know".
:'''John''': What again?

''The Director smiles and nods''

:'''John''': Did I Carrie?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah you do, you keep saying "Now we know".
:'''John''': God, I had no idea. Why would I do that?
:'''Director''': We don't know.
:'''John''': Well, you can cut that right out.
:'''Director''': Okay, well lets try again and this time keep an eye on the...
:'''John''': ''(Getting ready for the scene)'' "Now we know" Yeah.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]

That Mitchell and Webb Look

2014-12-07T01:18:18Z

YKWSG: /* Series 1 */

'''''[[w:That Mitchell and Webb Look|That Mitchell and Webb Look]]''''' is a [[w:sketch comedy|sketch comedy]] television series written by the British comedy duo [[w:Mitchell and Webb|Mitchell and Webb]], and based on their earlier production ''[[w:That Mitchell and Webb Sound|That Mitchell and Webb Sound]]''.

{{tv-stub}}

==Series 1==

===Episode one===
:'''Customer'''ː Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
:'''Waiter'''ː She's gone, sir. They've all gone. And we're back.
:'''Customer'''ː Who?
:'''Waiter'''ː The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters.

====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Stop Thief! He's stolen your wallet, but he's dropped your keys and has escaped, look!"
:'''Gent:''' "Where?"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "There!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Quick, Ginger, not a moment to lose! "
:'''Sir Digby:''' "On a lonely planet spinning its way toward damnation amid the fear and despair of a broken human race, who is left to fight for all that is good and pure and gets you smashed for under a fiver? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "At last! My grant from the foreign office. Now we'll finally crack this mystery."
:'''Ginger:''' "Sir, I cannot feel my left bottom."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The story so far: As usual, Ginger and I are engaged on our quest to find out what the hell is going on and save humanity from my nemesis, some bastard who is presumably responsible."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "One of my nemesis's henchmen, wearing a cunning disguise, tries to foil our plan."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Take his number Ginger!"
:'''Ginger:''' "I'm trying sir, but he's quite strong for a henchman."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The time Ginger, I'm going to get help."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I'm indebted to you, madam. Write to my club for full remuneration."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Right Ginger, Where've you been?"
:'''Ginger:''' "I've been in a police cell for two days, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Well done Ginger. What did you found out?"
:'''Ginger:''' "I've been in a police cell for two days, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Forgive me, you must be tired. Have a sip from my can."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I've made a new contact. Ginger, meet Jaqcues."
:'''Ginger:''' "Hello? Aww, I think he's fallen asleep."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Of course! He's preserving his energy for the fight against my nemesis."
:'''Ginger:''' "Actually I think he's dead, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Really?"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Yeah yeah, felt that."
:'''Ginger:''' "Yeah"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The forces of darkness say - give me my can back. The forces of darkness are moving in. Quick, search Jacques, see if he's got any money."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Will Jacques have any money, or will Ginger be forced to go back on the game? Where will my nemesis strike again - will he attack a political leader, attempt a terrorist outrage, or have another go at stealing my special plastic bag filled with fluff and litter?"

====Cavemen police====
:'''Caveman policeman''': This stone crime, it's rampant. Sometimes I think that the whole advance into stone technology has been something of a double-edged sword.
:'''Caveman pathologist''': Double-edged what?
:'''Caveman policeman''': Don't know.
:'''Caveman pathologist''': No what did you-
:'''Caveman policeman''': No idea.

===Episode 2===
===Episode 3===
:'''Visitor'''ː What happened to the friendly lady vicar with the colourful jumper, that I met last week?
:'''Vicar'''ː She's gone, child. They've all gone. Banished by the Bishop. I know where they're going eventually. In the meantime, Daventry. And we're back.
:'''Visitor'''ː Who?
:'''Vicar'''ː The incredibly horrible and twisted people who are still unaccountably vicars.

===Episode 4===
===Episode 5===
===Episode 6===

==Series 2==
===Episode 1===
:'''Mitchell''': ''[in a [[w:Sky Sports|Sky Sports]] teaser parody]'' Thousands and thousands of hours of football, each more climactic than the last! Constant, dizzying, twenty-four hour, yearlong, endless football! Every kick of it massively mattering to someone, presumably. Watch it all, all here, all the time, forever, it will ''never'' stop, the football is officially going on forever! It will never be finally decided who has won the football! There is still everything to play for, and ''forever'' to play it in! So that's the football! Coming up! Watch it! Watch the football! Watch it! Watch it! It's gonna move... Watch the football! It's football!

====Scooby Doo Sketch====

:'''Webb''': Oh, well if were having Freddy, we've got to invite Daphne and Velma as well.
:'''Mitchell''': Oh yeah, those three are absolutely priceless. Especially when Velma does her losing her glasses routine.
:'''Webb''': Yeah, that kills me. Why doesn't she get contacts?
:'''Mitchell''': Oh, I think its a lesbian thing.
:'''Webb''': I just had a thought.
:'''Mitchell''': What?
:'''Webb''': Well, if we invite Freddy, Daphne and Velma, there's a chance they'll bring that other one.
:'''Mitchell''': Oh God, the scrawny one. The one that doesn't wash, what's his name?
:'''Webb''': Well, we don't know. I mean he calls himself Shaggy, but I certainly don't believe that's his name. I think its some kind of hollow sexual boast.
:'''Mitchell''': I think it definitely is. He's desperately trying to present himself as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugly and incredibly cowardly. The last time I saw him, he was literally shaking and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a very long corridor that had to be there.
:'''Webb''': Well, that's certainly no way to make people have sex with you, but maybe were being harsh on him. I mean he's so thin and he's always shaking. He's probably in the throes of some gritty smack battle. Let's ask him along.
:'''Mitchell''': Yeah, I mean how much harm can he do...Although.
:'''Webb''': What?
:'''Mitchell''': Well there's a chance, just a small one, that he might bring his dog.
:'''Webb''': Oh, not his bloody dog. He won't bring his dog, people don't bring their dogs to parties.
:'''Mitchell''': Shaggy does. If anyone is going to bring a dog to anything, he is going to bring his dog to this.
:'''Webb''': He treats that dog like its a person, its creepy. You know, I think that dog must have been mistreated in the past, it's incredibly nervous. Do you remember that Halloween party that Shaggy was at? Every time a new person came in, dressed as a ghost or whatever, the dog would have an absolute fit, make the most unnatural noises and jump into Shaggy's arms. I was convinced it was gonna shit everywhere.
:'''Mitchell''': Well, I tell you, that's not the worst of it, do you remember at Jodie's do? You remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fair ground. Well, I was just popping into the kitchen for some more rice, and who should I find, but Shaggy and his dog, assembling the two tallest sandwiches I have ever seen.
:'''Webb''': ''[Walks over to the fridge, opens it]'' I know. They made one the last time they were here, but... ''[Takes a tall sandwich out of the fridge]'' They had a freak out before they could eat it.
:'''Mitchell''': I think its cruel to make a dog eat that.
:'''Webb''': ''[Putting the tall sandwich back into the fridge]'' I'll tell you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter, because he's obviously invested a lot of time in teaching that dog to talk and it just can't. I mean, maybe he thought he was going to get it on 'That's Life' or something, but its just not happened.
:'''Mitchell''': Yes, which is a pity really because of course the dog's nephew, also a dog, a little puppy, actually talks very well.
:'''Webb''': That's right, I've met that little dog and it actually speaks very good English. Its also quite a lot braver, if a little impetuous.
:'''Mitchell''': It is a bit impetuous yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a talking dog.
:'''Webb''': Yes, I think you do, I think you do.

===Episode 2===
====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====
:'''Sir Digby:''' "In a world spinning as fast as the inside of Homebase when you've just had a go at a four-pack of Dulux tester cans, who is left to fight for all that is right and proper and good and leather and full of money and belonging to that teenager who doesn't look like he can handle himself? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Excellent use of the Monogram Panty Liner…"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I believe we are looking for a menstruating child who is waterproof to a depth of fifty meters."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Gadzooks! He must be hiding amongst these cake-eating dwarfs!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "How did my nemesis shrink himself? When will Ginger find a better method for discovering waterproof dwarfs? Why don't kids' parties have real booze anymore like they did when I was a dwarf? Find out in the next enthralling instalment of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar."

===Episode 3===
====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====

:'''Sir Digby:''' "Tell mama I wont be dining tonight."
:'''Security:''' "You two, out!"
:'''Ginger:''' "But we're not having sex, we're not having sex!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Ginger, I think my nemesis has corrupted even my beloved mother!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "In a country lacerated by the sharp shards of broken brown-eyed promises, in a world bent low by the burden of disease, war and the price of Thunderbird, who is left to make full account of God and Britain's depleted moral mini bar? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
:'''Countess:''' "He's got germs!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Ginger, beat the crap out of her!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "How will I break the unholy alliance between the Countess and my nemesis? How will I tell friend from foe if not by asking them for a quid and then pushing them over? Is it true that if you sneak into the London eye they let you sleep there?"

===Episode 3===
:'''Mitchell''': Welcome to ''Back to Life''...
:'''Webb''': ...''Back to Reality''.
:'''Mitchell''': The show that adds an "un-" to the phrase "safe revival of cryogenically frozen billionaires"...
:'''Webb''': ...and an "ir-" to the phrase "responsible treatment of reanimated cadavers!"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sir Digby''': "How many harmless narcotics must Ginger and I consume before the empire is safe? What the hell happened to my grant from the Home Office? How much longer will Benji's remain the only sandwich shop not to have security men on the door? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Robert:''' So when... do they use the kilns?
:'''David:''' I just told you, they don't use kilns. There are no kilns.
:'''Robert:''' So you're telling me that they don't have to heat up milk to make cheese?
:'''David:''' That's exactly what I'm saying. You don't get cheese just by cooking milk.
:'''Robert:''' That's how it was discovered. Someone left some milk on a hot stone, and it turned into cheese.
:'''David:''' That isn't true.
:'''Robert:''' That's how they used to store it when they had too much milk. They didn't have fridges David.
:'''David:''' I accept that, Rob.
:'''Robert:''' So then how did they turn the cheese back into milk? They needed kilns!
:'''David:''' You can't turn cheese back into milk. Apply heat to cheese, and what you get is melted cheese, not milk.
:'''Robert:''' You don't know what the hell you're talking about, do you?!
:'''David:''' I know how cheese is made.
:'''Robert:''' Oh, really?
:'''David:''' Yes, yes. Well you take the milk, and then you leave it to... to not ferment exactly, but then you scrape... you separate the curds and whey.
:'''Robert:''' This isn't a nursery rhyme, David.
:'''David''' And then you leave it until-
:'''Robert:''' You put it into the kiln until it forms a hard skin, so that it doesn't fall to bits.
:'''David:''' Cheese doesn't form it's own skin! They put the skin on!
:'''Robert:''' They put the skin on?!
:'''David:''' YES.
:'''Robert:''' Did you hear what you just said?! They put the skin ''on''?
:'''David:''' Oh, what so you think Edam has a particularly red skin because of the temperate they baked the milk at?!
:'''Robert:''' I'M NOT CLAIMING TO BE A FUCKING SCIENTIST, DAVID. I just know they don't- how do they put the skin on?!
:'''David:''' I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY PUT THE FUCKING SKIN ON.
:'''Robert:''' What are we talking about then?
:'''David:''' I didn't start it!
:'''Robert:''' You've got a problem mate.
:'''David:''' No YOU'VE got a problem.
:'''Robert:''' You've got a problem.
:'''David:''' You've got a problem.

===Episode 4===
:'''David''': ''[presenting the prizes for the "Conveyor Belt Round" as people walk by carrying them]'' Food objects! Fuel! Tablets! Holy tablets! ''[A presenter carries a toy dog past]'' Frightening animal! Someone's head! ''[A presenter carries a traffic cone past]'' We don't know but they're everywhere. A stone. A stone. A stone. A stone. ''[A presenter carries a giant clock on a stand past]'' We don't know but they're everywhere, ''[A presenter carries another stuffed toy past]'' frightening animal.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Director''': John.
:'''John''': Yeah?
:'''Director''': John you were talking.
:'''John''': Was I?
:'''Director''': Yeah, you said "Now we know".
:'''John''': "Now we know"?
:'''Director''': Yeah.
:'''John''': ''[to his co-star]'' Did I?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah you did a bit.
:'''John''': Oh my god, how weird. Sorry.
:'''Director''': Not to worry, lets go again, straight away.

''The camera is rolling''

:'''John''': Now we know! NOW WE KNOW! YEAH NOW WE KNOW!
:'''Director''': Cut!
:'''John''': Sorry, I know what that was. I was in her light, wasn't I?
:'''Director''': Uh a bit....No..More its sort of the same thing again really.
:'''John''': What?
:'''Director''': The saying "Now we know".
:'''John''': What again?

''The Director smiles and nods''

:'''John''': Did I Carrie?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah you do, you keep saying "Now we know".
:'''John''': God, I had no idea. Why would I do that?
:'''Director''': We don't know.
:'''John''': Well, you can cut that right out.
:'''Director''': Okay, well lets try again and this time keep an eye on the...
:'''John''': ''(Getting ready for the scene)'' "Now we know" Yeah.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]

That Mitchell and Webb Look

2014-12-07T01:11:07Z

YKWSG: /* Episode one */

'''''[[w:That Mitchell and Webb Look|That Mitchell and Webb Look]]''''' is a [[w:sketch comedy|sketch comedy]] television series written by the British comedy duo [[w:Mitchell and Webb|Mitchell and Webb]], and based on their earlier production ''[[w:That Mitchell and Webb Sound|That Mitchell and Webb Sound]]''.

{{tv-stub}}

==Series 1==

===Episode one===
:'''Customer'''ː Sorry, what happened to the friendly Australian girl that used to work here?
:'''Waiter'''ː She's gone, sir. They've all gone. And we're back.
:'''Customer'''ː Who?
:'''Waiter'''ː The incredibly posh people who are still unaccountably waiters.

====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Stop Thief! He's stolen your wallet, but he's dropped your keys and has escaped, look!"
:'''Gent:''' "Where?"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "There!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Quick, Ginger, not a moment to lose! "
:'''Sir Digby:''' "On a lonely planet spinning its way toward damnation amid the fear and despair of a broken human race, who is left to fight for all that is good and pure and gets you smashed for under a fiver? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken-Caesar!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "At last! My grant from the foreign office. Now we'll finally crack this mystery."
:'''Ginger:''' "Sir, I cannot feel my left bottom."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The story so far: As usual, Ginger and I are engaged on our quest to find out what the hell is going on and save humanity from my nemesis, some bastard who is presumably responsible."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "One of my nemesis's henchmen, wearing a cunning disguise, tries to foil our plan."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Take his number Ginger!"
:'''Ginger:''' "I'm trying sir, but he's quite strong for a henchman."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The time Ginger, I'm going to get help."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I'm indebted to you, madam. Write to my club for full remuneration."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Right Ginger, Where've you been?"
:'''Ginger:''' "I've been in a police cell for two days, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Well done Ginger. What did you found out?"
:'''Ginger:''' "I've been in a police cell for two days, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Forgive me, you must be tired. Have a sip from my can."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I've made a new contact. Ginger, meet Jaqcues."
:'''Ginger:''' "Hello? Aww, I think he's fallen asleep."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Of course! He's preserving his energy for the fight against my nemesis."
:'''Ginger:''' "Actually I think he's dead, sir."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Really?"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Yeah yeah, felt that."
:'''Ginger:''' "Yeah"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "The forces of darkness say - give me my can back. The forces of darkness are moving in. Quick, search Jacques, see if he's got any money."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Will Jacques have any money, or will Ginger be forced to go back on the game? Where will my nemesis strike again - will he attack a political leader, attempt a terrorist outrage, or have another go at stealing my special plastic bag filled with fluff and litter?"

====Cavemen police====
:'''Caveman policeman''': This stone crime, it's rampant. Sometimes I think that the whole advance into stone technology has been something of a double-edged sword.
:'''Caveman pathologist''': Double-edged what?
:'''Caveman policeman''': Don't know.
:'''Caveman pathologist''': No what did you-
:'''Caveman policeman''': No idea.



==Series 2==
===Episode 1===
:'''Mitchell''': ''[in a [[w:Sky Sports|Sky Sports]] teaser parody]'' Thousands and thousands of hours of football, each more climactic than the last! Constant, dizzying, twenty-four hour, yearlong, endless football! Every kick of it massively mattering to someone, presumably. Watch it all, all here, all the time, forever, it will ''never'' stop, the football is officially going on forever! It will never be finally decided who has won the football! There is still everything to play for, and ''forever'' to play it in! So that's the football! Coming up! Watch it! Watch the football! Watch it! Watch it! It's gonna move... Watch the football! It's football!

====Scooby Doo Sketch====

:'''Webb''': Oh, well if were having Freddy, we've got to invite Daphne and Velma as well.
:'''Mitchell''': Oh yeah, those three are absolutely priceless. Especially when Velma does her losing her glasses routine.
:'''Webb''': Yeah, that kills me. Why doesn't she get contacts?
:'''Mitchell''': Oh, I think its a lesbian thing.
:'''Webb''': I just had a thought.
:'''Mitchell''': What?
:'''Webb''': Well, if we invite Freddy, Daphne and Velma, there's a chance they'll bring that other one.
:'''Mitchell''': Oh God, the scrawny one. The one that doesn't wash, what's his name?
:'''Webb''': Well, we don't know. I mean he calls himself Shaggy, but I certainly don't believe that's his name. I think its some kind of hollow sexual boast.
:'''Mitchell''': I think it definitely is. He's desperately trying to present himself as some sort of stud, despite being quite ugly and incredibly cowardly. The last time I saw him, he was literally shaking and he spent most of the evening scampering up and down a very long corridor that had to be there.
:'''Webb''': Well, that's certainly no way to make people have sex with you, but maybe were being harsh on him. I mean he's so thin and he's always shaking. He's probably in the throes of some gritty smack battle. Let's ask him along.
:'''Mitchell''': Yeah, I mean how much harm can he do...Although.
:'''Webb''': What?
:'''Mitchell''': Well there's a chance, just a small one, that he might bring his dog.
:'''Webb''': Oh, not his bloody dog. He won't bring his dog, people don't bring their dogs to parties.
:'''Mitchell''': Shaggy does. If anyone is going to bring a dog to anything, he is going to bring his dog to this.
:'''Webb''': He treats that dog like its a person, its creepy. You know, I think that dog must have been mistreated in the past, it's incredibly nervous. Do you remember that Halloween party that Shaggy was at? Every time a new person came in, dressed as a ghost or whatever, the dog would have an absolute fit, make the most unnatural noises and jump into Shaggy's arms. I was convinced it was gonna shit everywhere.
:'''Mitchell''': Well, I tell you, that's not the worst of it, do you remember at Jodie's do? You remember Jodie, her dad owns that disused fair ground. Well, I was just popping into the kitchen for some more rice, and who should I find, but Shaggy and his dog, assembling the two tallest sandwiches I have ever seen.
:'''Webb''': ''[Walks over to the fridge, opens it]'' I know. They made one the last time they were here, but... ''[Takes a tall sandwich out of the fridge]'' They had a freak out before they could eat it.
:'''Mitchell''': I think its cruel to make a dog eat that.
:'''Webb''': ''[Putting the tall sandwich back into the fridge]'' I'll tell you what, I think Shaggy must be very bitter, because he's obviously invested a lot of time in teaching that dog to talk and it just can't. I mean, maybe he thought he was going to get it on 'That's Life' or something, but its just not happened.
:'''Mitchell''': Yes, which is a pity really because of course the dog's nephew, also a dog, a little puppy, actually talks very well.
:'''Webb''': That's right, I've met that little dog and it actually speaks very good English. Its also quite a lot braver, if a little impetuous.
:'''Mitchell''': It is a bit impetuous yes, but I think you've got to forgive that of a talking dog.
:'''Webb''': Yes, I think you do, I think you do.

===Episode 2===
====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====
:'''Sir Digby:''' "In a world spinning as fast as the inside of Homebase when you've just had a go at a four-pack of Dulux tester cans, who is left to fight for all that is right and proper and good and leather and full of money and belonging to that teenager who doesn't look like he can handle himself? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Excellent use of the Monogram Panty Liner…"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "I believe we are looking for a menstruating child who is waterproof to a depth of fifty meters."
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Gadzooks! He must be hiding amongst these cake-eating dwarfs!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "How did my nemesis shrink himself? When will Ginger find a better method for discovering waterproof dwarfs? Why don't kids' parties have real booze anymore like they did when I was a dwarf? Find out in the next enthralling instalment of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar."

===Episode 3===
====Sir Digby Chicken Caesar====

:'''Sir Digby:''' "Tell mama I wont be dining tonight."
:'''Security:''' "You two, out!"
:'''Ginger:''' "But we're not having sex, we're not having sex!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Ginger, I think my nemesis has corrupted even my beloved mother!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "In a country lacerated by the sharp shards of broken brown-eyed promises, in a world bent low by the burden of disease, war and the price of Thunderbird, who is left to make full account of God and Britain's depleted moral mini bar? Yes, it's the surprising adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"
:'''Countess:''' "He's got germs!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "Ginger, beat the crap out of her!"
:'''Sir Digby:''' "How will I break the unholy alliance between the Countess and my nemesis? How will I tell friend from foe if not by asking them for a quid and then pushing them over? Is it true that if you sneak into the London eye they let you sleep there?"

===Episode 3===
:'''Mitchell''': Welcome to ''Back to Life''...
:'''Webb''': ...''Back to Reality''.
:'''Mitchell''': The show that adds an "un-" to the phrase "safe revival of cryogenically frozen billionaires"...
:'''Webb''': ...and an "ir-" to the phrase "responsible treatment of reanimated cadavers!"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sir Digby''': "How many harmless narcotics must Ginger and I consume before the empire is safe? What the hell happened to my grant from the Home Office? How much longer will Benji's remain the only sandwich shop not to have security men on the door? Find out in the next thrilling instalment of The Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar!"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Robert:''' So when... do they use the kilns?
:'''David:''' I just told you, they don't use kilns. There are no kilns.
:'''Robert:''' So you're telling me that they don't have to heat up milk to make cheese?
:'''David:''' That's exactly what I'm saying. You don't get cheese just by cooking milk.
:'''Robert:''' That's how it was discovered. Someone left some milk on a hot stone, and it turned into cheese.
:'''David:''' That isn't true.
:'''Robert:''' That's how they used to store it when they had too much milk. They didn't have fridges David.
:'''David:''' I accept that, Rob.
:'''Robert:''' So then how did they turn the cheese back into milk? They needed kilns!
:'''David:''' You can't turn cheese back into milk. Apply heat to cheese, and what you get is melted cheese, not milk.
:'''Robert:''' You don't know what the hell you're talking about, do you?!
:'''David:''' I know how cheese is made.
:'''Robert:''' Oh, really?
:'''David:''' Yes, yes. Well you take the milk, and then you leave it to... to not ferment exactly, but then you scrape... you separate the curds and whey.
:'''Robert:''' This isn't a nursery rhyme, David.
:'''David''' And then you leave it until-
:'''Robert:''' You put it into the kiln until it forms a hard skin, so that it doesn't fall to bits.
:'''David:''' Cheese doesn't form it's own skin! They put the skin on!
:'''Robert:''' They put the skin on?!
:'''David:''' YES.
:'''Robert:''' Did you hear what you just said?! They put the skin ''on''?
:'''David:''' Oh, what so you think Edam has a particularly red skin because of the temperate they baked the milk at?!
:'''Robert:''' I'M NOT CLAIMING TO BE A FUCKING SCIENTIST, DAVID. I just know they don't- how do they put the skin on?!
:'''David:''' I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY PUT THE FUCKING SKIN ON.
:'''Robert:''' What are we talking about then?
:'''David:''' I didn't start it!
:'''Robert:''' You've got a problem mate.
:'''David:''' No YOU'VE got a problem.
:'''Robert:''' You've got a problem.
:'''David:''' You've got a problem.

===Episode 4===
:'''David''': ''[presenting the prizes for the "Conveyor Belt Round" as people walk by carrying them]'' Food objects! Fuel! Tablets! Holy tablets! ''[A presenter carries a toy dog past]'' Frightening animal! Someone's head! ''[A presenter carries a traffic cone past]'' We don't know but they're everywhere. A stone. A stone. A stone. A stone. ''[A presenter carries a giant clock on a stand past]'' We don't know but they're everywhere, ''[A presenter carries another stuffed toy past]'' frightening animal.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Director''': John.
:'''John''': Yeah?
:'''Director''': John you were talking.
:'''John''': Was I?
:'''Director''': Yeah, you said "Now we know".
:'''John''': "Now we know"?
:'''Director''': Yeah.
:'''John''': ''[to his co-star]'' Did I?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah you did a bit.
:'''John''': Oh my god, how weird. Sorry.
:'''Director''': Not to worry, lets go again, straight away.

''The camera is rolling''

:'''John''': Now we know! NOW WE KNOW! YEAH NOW WE KNOW!
:'''Director''': Cut!
:'''John''': Sorry, I know what that was. I was in her light, wasn't I?
:'''Director''': Uh a bit....No..More its sort of the same thing again really.
:'''John''': What?
:'''Director''': The saying "Now we know".
:'''John''': What again?

''The Director smiles and nods''

:'''John''': Did I Carrie?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah you do, you keep saying "Now we know".
:'''John''': God, I had no idea. Why would I do that?
:'''Director''': We don't know.
:'''John''': Well, you can cut that right out.
:'''Director''': Okay, well lets try again and this time keep an eye on the...
:'''John''': ''(Getting ready for the scene)'' "Now we know" Yeah.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]

Frasier

2014-11-13T01:38:36Z

YKWSG: Undo revision 1784275 by 174.49.161.64 (talk)

'''''[[w:Frasier|Frasier]]''''' (16 September 1993 – 13 May 2004) is an American TV [[w:situation comedy|situation comedy]], a spin-off of the television show ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]''. The show was critically acclaimed and won a record 37 Emmy Awards during its run.

==Season 1==
=== ''[[w:The Good Son (Frasier)|The Good Son]]'' [1.1] ===
:'''[[w:Frasier Crane|Frasier]]''': Six months ago, I was living in [[w:Boston|Boston]]. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Niles Crane|Niles]]''': I thought you liked my Maris!
:'''Frasier''': I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Niles Crane|Niles]]''': Remember what Mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': The rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it?
:'''Roz''': Here, your brother called.
:'''Frasier''': Roz, in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.
:'''Roz''': Did I ever tell you what this little button does?
:'''Frasier''': I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
:'''Roz''': Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilled yogurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".
:''[Pause]''
:'''Frasier''': You say my brother called.

=== ''[[w:Space Quest (Frasier)|Space Quest]]'' [1.2] ===
:'''Frasier''': Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
:'''Niles''': You're a good brother, too.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him ''around.''

=== ''[[w:Dinner at Eight (Frasier)|Dinner at Eight]]'' [1.3] ===
:'''Frasier''': I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
:'''Martin''': He cut you off!
:'''Frasier''': That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"
:'''Martin''': Big talk from a Volvo.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Daphne]'' She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

=== ''[[w:I Hate Frasier Crane|I Hate Frasier Crane]]'' [1.4] ===
:'''Niles''': Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
:'''Frasier''': You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
:'''Niles''': She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, [[Voltaire]]. Step back in the shadows, [[H. L. Mencken]]. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this ''chef d'oeuvre'': "I... ''hate''... Frasier Crane."

=== ''[[w:Here's Looking At You (Frasier)|Here's Looking At You]]'' [1.5] ===
:''[Frasier cannot fathom why Martin stopped speaking to Irene after one phone call]''
:'''Niles''': Who knows why anybody does anything?
:'''Frasier''': ''[looks incredulously at him]'' Remind me again what you do for a living.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?
:'''Niles''': ''[looks back]'' Remind me again what it is ''you'' do for a living.

=== ''[[w:The Crucible (Frasier)|The Crucible]]'' [1.6] ===
:'''Frasier''': By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
:'''Niles''': She's on your bed.
:'''Frasier''': My bed?
:'''Niles''': Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': God, I hate lawyers.
:'''Niles''': Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

=== ''[[w:Call Me Irresponsible (Frasier)|Call Me Irresponsible]]'' [1.7] ===
:''[Catherine is crying]''
:'''Frasier''': Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Catherine''': Your wife is really lucky.
:'''Frasier''': Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne''': My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.
:'''Martin''': Really?
:'''Daphne''': He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."

<hr width=50%>
:''[Martin and Daphne are singing Deck the Halls]''
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep?

=== ''[[w:Beloved Infidel (Frasier)|Beloved Infidel]]'' [1.8] ===
:''[Dinner with Niles holds several surprises]''
:'''Frasier''': You know, Niles, maybe you should have that [[w:Martini (cocktail)|Martini]] after all.
:'''Niles''': I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.
:'''Frasier''': ''[still reading the menu]'' Not anymore; they just towed your car.

=== ''[[w:Selling Out (Frasier)|Selling Out]]'' [1.9] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[to a caller]'' Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
:'''[[w:Daphne Moon|Daphne]]''': What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
:'''Frasier''': Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the subject of a film (likely to have been ''[[Basic Instinct]]'')]''
: '''Niles''': Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat; her room, as you know, is across the hall!

=== ''[[w:Oops! (Frasier)|Oops!]]'' [1.10] ===
:'''Niles''': I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on [[w:Dissociative identity disorder|multiple personality disorders]] and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

=== ''[[w:Death Becomes Him (Frasier)|Death Becomes Him]]'' [1.11] ===
:'''Frasier''': Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?
:'''Roz''': ''[smugly]'' Because ''I'' have one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[It seems that Doctor Newman was both healthy and in good shape when he died]''
:'''Allen''': Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
:'''Frasier''': My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?

=== ''[[w:Miracle on Third or Fourth Street|Miracle on Third or Fourth Street]]'' [1.12]===
:''[As Frasier presents the Christmas Day show, more and more depressing tales of woe are heard.]''
:'''Caller''': I remember that Christmas when I ran into my mother's room, tears streaming down my face, and I said "Mummy, Mummy, the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."

=== ''[[w:Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast|Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast]]'' [1.13] ===
:'''Frasier''': I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.
:'''Niles''': Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
:'''Frasier''': Why? You have plans Friday?
:'''Niles''': No, I have plans Saturday.

=== ''[[w:Can't Buy Me Love (Frasier)|Can't Buy Me Love]]'' [1.14] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[about Maris]'' She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?
:'''Niles''': No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Bulldog''': Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?
:'''T.J. Smith''': It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!
:''[Roz walks in]''
:'''Roz''': Where do I pay?
:'''Frasier''': Roz!
:'''Roz''': I saw what I wanted and I went after it!

=== ''You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover'' [1.15] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[showing Martin around the station]'' Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
:'''Martin''': What is it?
:'''Frasier''': I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': My [[w:Taekwondo|taekwondo]] instructor says I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.

=== ''The Show Where Lilith Comes Back'' [1.16] ===
:''[Lilith is criticising Frasier's advice on air]''
:'''Frasier''': Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
:'''Lilith''': What do you mean by "celebrity"?
:'''Frasier''': ''[darkly]'' Oh, they know you!
<hr width=50%>
:''[Frasier is very annoyed that Roz has put Lilith's call through on his show]''
:'''Frasier''': Roz, what exactly does "[[w:call screening|call screening]]" mean?
:'''Roz''': ''[smugly]'' It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Do you wanna bag dinner?
:'''Lilith''': There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
:'''Frasier''': Come to me, my white-hot flame!
:''[Lilith jumps into Frasier's arms, and he carries her to the bed behind them.]''
:'''Lilith''': I was insane to divorce you!
:'''Frasier''': You're in my every waking thought!
:'''Lilith''': You're the only man I've ever loved!
:'''Frasier''': So are you!

=== ''[[w:A Mid-Winter Night's Dream|A Mid-Winter Night's Dream]]'' [1.17] ===
:''[Daphne offers to cook for Niles and Maris]''
:'''Niles''': Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, [[w:Saturated fat|saturated fats]], nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, [[w:Monosodium glutamate|MSG]] or dairy... Did I say nuts?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, I think that's implied!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is worried about Niles and Daphne alone in Niles' house.]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting [[w:Wuthering Heights|"Heathcliff!"]] across the moors!

=== ''And the Whimper Is...'' [1.18] ===
:'''Niles''': I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Bebe narrowly avoids making an [[w:ageism|ageist]] remark about Fletcher Grey when she sees Martin]''
:'''Bebe''': You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
:'''Martin''': That's why I keep this cane.

=== ''Give Him the Chair!'' [1.19] ===
:''[Eddie is heard barking.]''
:'''Frasier''': What's the matter with him?
:'''Daphne''': He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.
:'''Frasier''': ''[to Eddie]'' Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
:'''Frasier''': How about Florida?
:'''Martin''': I heard that.

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the Moon. And when the US hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. Y'know I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed... Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.

=== ''[[w:Fortysomething (Frasier)|Fortysomething]]'' [1.20] ===
:''[Frasier explains his quandary to Niles in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]]]''
:'''Frasier''': The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a [[w:Shopping mall|mall]].
:'''Niles''': That ''is'' alarming.
:'''Frasier''': Well, I turned her down.
:'''Niles''': No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
<hr width=50%>
:''[Niles has discovered a new party game, in which contestants select a meal, [[w:aria|aria]] and wine to take to a desert island. He gives his choices]''
:'''Niles''': The ''coulibiac'' of salmon at [[w:Guy Savoy|Guy Savoy]], "[[w:Vissi d'arte|Vissi d'arte]]" from ''[[w:Tosca|Tosca]]'', and the [[w:Côtes du Rhône AOC|Côtes du Rhône]] [[w:Châteauneuf-du-Pape AOC|Châteauneuf-du-Pape]] '47.
:'''Frasier''': You are ''so'' predictable!

=== ''Travels With Martin'' [1.21] ===
:'''Frasier''': Niles, if Dad and I get into a [[w:Winnebago Industries|Winnebago]], only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
:'''Niles''': Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my [[w:Bone marrow|bone marrow]] and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of [[w:Miller Lite|Miller Lite]] cans. This is my final word: I'm ''not'' going.
:''[Martin and Daphne enter.]''
:'''Martin''': Great news! Daphne's coming, too.
:'''Niles''': And so am I!

=== ''Author, Author'' [1.22] ===
:'''Niles''': All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
:'''Niles''': Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a [[w:Cuisinart|Cuisinart]], I've had a breakthrough.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[While brawling over their inability to write a book, due to their sibling rivalry]''
:'''Niles''': My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
:'''Frasier''': ''You stole my mommy!''

=== ''Frasier Crane's Day Off'' [1.23] ===
:''Frasier is clearly ill, but reluctant to miss work''
:'''Frasier''': Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!
:'''Martin''': Well, at least I had a ''real'' job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After Niles initially refused to fill in for his brother, Frasier says he does not possess the right qualities anyway]''
:'''Niles''': Frasier, this pathetic attempt at [[w:reverse psychology|reverse psychology]] is beneath you!
:'''Frasier''': Then you're not going to do my show?
:'''Niles''': No, I ''am'' going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever ''dreamed'' of doing it!
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles is substituting for Frasier on his radio show.]''
:'''Niles''': Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a [[w:Freudian|Freudian]], I am a [[w:Jungian|Jungian]]. So there'll be no blaming Mother today!
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After a drug-addled Frasier has locked himself in the studio]''
:'''Roz''': Can I get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane!

=== ''My Coffee with Niles'' [1.24] ===
:'''Frasier''': I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"
:'''Niles''': You're kidding.
:'''Frasier''': He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"

==Season 2==
=== ''Slow Tango in South Seattle'' [2.1] ===
:''[During an interview for [[w:KACL (Frasier)|KACL]], the author is asked about the inspiration for his book. Frasier is listening outside]''
:'''Fallow''': Well, it was actually given to me…by God.
:'''Frasier''': By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
:'''Roz''': Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
:'''Frasier''': Well, then, perhaps you're right.
:'''Roz''': See how easy it is.

=== ''[[w:The Unkindest Cut of All|The Unkindest Cut of All]]'' [2.2] ===
:''[Martin is annoyed by Frasier's repeated instructions to take Eddie to the vet]''
:'''Martin''': If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. ''[exits]''
:'''Niles''': You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Daphne''': ''[about drawer-dividers for socks]'' I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.
:'''Martin''': I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.

=== ''[[w:The Matchmaker (Frasier)|The Matchmaker]]'' [2.3] ===
:''[Daphne explains that the [[w:smoke detector|smoke alarm]] over her bed went off]''
:'''Daphne''': God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Roz''': God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
:'''Frasier''': Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.

=== ''[[w:Flour Child|Flour Child]]'' [2.4] ===
:'''Martin''': One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.
:'''Frasier''': The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles' bag of flour is showing signs of fire damage after being dried beside the [[w:hearth|hearth]]]''
:'''Frasier''': He caught on fire?
:'''Niles''': It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have ''cried'' before it burst into flames.

=== ''[[w:Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye|Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye]]'' [2.5] ===
:''[Daphne is dressed up for a date, and is testing her [[w:perfume|perfume]] when Niles arrives]''
:'''Niles''': ''[sniffs around Daphne]'' Is that "Forbidden"?
:'''Frasier''': In every sense of the word!

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Martin reveals the truth about MeadowWood Properties' demolition plans while proposing a toast, prompting his sons to down their boilermakers]''
:'''Martin''': To Duke's!
:'''Regulars''': To Duke's!
:'''Frasier''': ''[to Duke]'' Two more!

=== ''[[w:The Botched Language of Cranes|The Botched Language of Cranes]]'' [2.6] ===
:''[Frasier has declined to make a personal appearance at a hospital.]''
:'''Roz''': What? You're turning down a hospital?
:'''Frasier''': Don't look at me that way.
:'''Roz''': Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. ''[reads]'' "Death is inevitable"...

=== ''[[w:The Candidate (Frasier)|The Candidate]]'' [2.7] ===
:'''Daphne''': It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
:'''Frasier''': You don't need guns: you got [[w:steak and kidney pie|kidney pie]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Despite a shocking revelation about Patterson, Niles is still keen for him to defeat Thorpe]''
:'''Niles''': Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?
:'''Frasier''': At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.

=== ''[[w:Adventures in Paradise (Part I)|Adventures in Paradise]]'' [2.8] ===
:''[Martin remembers how he met his wife.]''
:'''Martin''': Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
:'''Frasier''': Dad, you're a ghoul.
:'''Martin''': I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles' [[w:Freudian slip|Freudian slip]]]''
:'''Niles''': If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who ''really'' excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable [[w:Maris Crane|Maris]]!…Marriage…I have to go now.

=== ''[[w:Adventures in Paradise (Part II)|Adventures in Paradise (Part II)]]'' [2.9] ===
:''[Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]''
:'''Lilith''': Brian is a [[w:seismology|seismologist]] at [[w:Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]].
:'''Frasier''': Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having ''so many'' [[w:Fault (geology)|faults]].

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier is angry with Lilith for interrupting his time with Madeline]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!

=== ''[[w:Burying a Grudge|Burying a Grudge]]'' [2.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Daphne''': I had a mole removed.
:'''Niles''': Where?
:'''Daphne''': Just south of Manchester.
:'''Niles''': I meant, where on your body?
:'''Daphne''': So did I.

=== ''[[w:Seat of Power|Seat of Power]]'' [2.11] ===
:''[Confronted with Danny again, Niles is having trouble controlling his anger. Frasier takes him in hand]''
:'''Niles''': I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!
:'''Frasier''': No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the [[w:bathroom|bathroom]]!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!

=== ''[[w:Roz in the Doghouse|Roz in the Doghouse]]'' [2.12] ===
:''[Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]''
:'''Frasier''': Who's next, Roz?
:'''Roz''': If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
:'''Frasier''': The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than [[w:Tropicana Products|Tropicana]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated [[w:massage|massage]]]''
:'''Roz''': Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
:'''Daphne''': Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".

=== ''[[w:Retirement is Murder|Retirement is Murder]]'' [2.13] ===
:''[Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]''
:'''Frasier''': It's the archetypal [[w:male bonding|male bonding]] ritual.
:'''Niles''': Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?

=== ''Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice...'' [2.14] ===
:'''Frasier''': I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]''
:'''Niles''': Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
:'''Frasier''': Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… ''[turns to look through the window]'' MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! ''[leaps up and rushes out of the door]'' Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

=== ''[[w:You Scratch My Book...|You Scratch My Book...]]'' [2.15] ===
:''[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]''
:'''Daphne''': Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]''
:'''Frasier''': Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
:'''Niles''': I can't help it. Have you read this?
:'''Frasier''': I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.

=== ''[[w:The Show Where Sam Shows Up|The Show Where Sam Shows Up]]'' [2.16] ===
:''[Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]''
:'''Sam''': She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a [[w:pedestal|pedestal]].
:'''Frasier''': You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]''
:'''Roz''': ''You'' slept with ''her''?
:'''Niles''': On what [[w:desert island|desert island]] with no hope of rescue was this?!

===''[[w:Daphne's Room|Daphne's Room]]'' [2.17] ===
:''[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]''
:'''Martin''': When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
:'''Niles''': I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid [[w:vertebra|vertebrae]]; she'd snap like a twig.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]''
:'''Frasier''': I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
:'''Niles''': And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?

=== ''The Club'' [2.18] ===
:'''Martin''': Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.

=== ''Someone To Watch Over Me'' [2.19] ===
:'''Niles''': Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
:'''Frasier''': You just made that up, didn't you?
:'''Niles''': Yes, but I stand by it.

=== ''[[w:Breaking The Ice (Frasier)|Breaking The Ice]]'' [2.20] ===
:''[Niles is bemused by the smell of Martin's [[w:fishing tackle|tackle]] box covered by Daphne's [[w:air freshener|air freshener]]]''
:'''Niles''': It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne encourages Frasier to go ice fishing with Martin]''
:'''Frasier''': So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words "I love you"?
:'''Daphne''': Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

=== ''[[w:An Affair to Forget|An Affair to Forget]]'' [2.21] ===
:'''Martin''': Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
:'''Frasier''': Yes, but are they wealthy students?
:'''Martin''': ''[sarcastically]'' No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

<hr width=50%>
:''[Niles accuses Gunnar in English, which Frasier translates into Spanish for Marta, so she can tell Gunnar in German]''
:'''Gunnar''': ''Schweinhund!'' ''[draws his sword]''
:'''Niles''': Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? ''En garde!''
:'''Frasier''': Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a ''fourth'' language.

=== ''[[w:Agents in America, Part III|Agents in America, Part III]]'' [2.22] ===
:''[Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Xena and Slate!
:'''Daphne''': I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.
:'''Frasier''': Is this the way you spend your days when I'm not at home?
:'''Daphne''': Not quite. When you're not home, I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
:'''Frasier''': Well, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh [[w:Zirconia|Zirconia]], can't you see Stone doesn't love you; he loves [[w:Placenta|Placenta]]!"
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After Bebe has treated Daphne as a slave, she brings Bebe a snack]''
:'''Daphne''': Will there be anything else?
:'''Bebe''': No, you run along, I'm fine.
:'''Daphne''': You're sure now? Because I could wait until you've finished the biscuit and [[w:dental floss|floss]] your teeth for you!

=== ''[[w:The Innkeepers (Frasier)|The Innkeepers]]'' [2.23] ===
:''(Gil announces that Orsini's is closing.)''
:'''Gil''': And so tonight a sad adieu to the ''grande dame'' of Seattle restaurants.
:'''Roz''': ''(aside to Frasier)'' I thought he was the ''grande dame'' of Seattle restaurants

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
:'''Niles''': Wait, wait! What?
:'''Frasier''': I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
:'''Niles''': Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
:'''Frasier''': How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': How much fire power do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
:'''Frasier''': Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

=== ''[[w:Dark Victory|Dark Victory]]'' [2.24] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[to Frasier]'' You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! ''[turns]'' Happy birthday, Dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin blows out the candles of his birthday cake at the same time the power goes out.]''
:'''Niles''': Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles leaves Frasier's apartment during a power outage. He returns a few minutes later, gasping for breath]''
:'''Niles''': Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!

==Season 3==
=== ''[[w:She's the Boss (Frasier)|She's the Boss]]'' [3.1] ===
:''When Martin learns that Frasier's new boss is a woman, he expects his son to resent the situation''
:'''Frasier:''' If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, [[w:Minor characters on Frasier#Frederick Gaylord Crane|Frederick]] would never have been conceived!
<hr width=50%/>
:''Eddie's barking at the Doberman upstairs is keeping Frasier awake. He is wearing a [[w:Elizabethan collar|space collar]] following a recent fight''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, for God's sake! I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a [[w:megaphone|megaphone]]!

=== ''[[w:Shrink Rap (Frasier)|Shrink Rap]]'' [3.2] ===
:''Frasier has conscripted Daphne and Martin to help him move into Niles' office''
:'''Martin:''' You know the best thing about gettin' old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane…but people still ask you to help them move!
<hr width=50%/>
:''In the midst of an argument, Niles has just stormed out of his group therapy session, followed by his brother''
:'''Niles:''' Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it!
:'''Frasier:''' You are not scaring me…the thumb goes on the ''outside'', Niles! On the ''outside''!

=== ''[[w:Martin Does It His Way (Frasier)|Martin Does It His Way]]'' [3.3] ===
:''[Frasier has arrived home to find Eddie lying on the sofa.]''
:'''Frasier''': Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.
<hr width=50%>
:''[The Cranes are complaining about their Aunt Louise, who never liked anything, specially travelling]''
:'''Martin:''' She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
:'''Frasier:''' My guess is she finally made it!

=== ''[[w:Leapin' Lizards (Frasier)|Leapin' Lizards]]'' [3.4] ===
''Frasier has just fallen victim to one of Bulldog's practical jokes on air''
:'''Frasier''': Well, that's one on me. Or rather, one on me and my call-screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]]! Of course I'll sign for it."
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bulldog''': ''[to caller]'' You're in the Doghouse.
:'''Caller''': Hey, am I on?
:'''Bulldog''': Yeah, take as long as you want. ''[hangs up and goes to the next call]''

=== ''[[w:Kisses Sweeter Than Wine (Frasier)|Kisses Sweeter Than Wine]]'' [3.5] ===
:'''Roz''': Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!
:'''Frasier''': ''[Sheepish]'' It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier:''' I cut myself because I was shaving without water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes which called for Cecil, who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in [[w:This Is the House That Jack Built|the house that Frasier built]]!

=== ''[[w:Sleeping With the Enemy (Frasier)|Sleeping With the Enemy]]'' [3.6]===
:''Frasier has been left to negotiate with Kate''
:'''Kate:''' Why are you gunning for me?
:'''Frasier:''' Gunning? For you? This isn't about you; it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle.
:'''Kate:''' No, no. This is about your [[w:id, ego, and super-ego|ego]], which is the ''size'' of Seattle!
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier fumes at the thought that Kate's behaviour could just be that of a [[w:femme fatale|femme fatale]]''
:'''Daphne:''' It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
:'''Frasier:''' How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex ''is'' what we want!

=== ''[[w:The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl|The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl]]'' [3.7]===
:'''Niles''': I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry: if I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''The day after the broadcast''
:'''Bulldog:''' I'm proud of ya, man!
:'''Frasier:''' Doesn't that put the [[w:cherry|cherry]] on the [[w:parfait|parfait]](!)

===''[[w:The Last Time I Saw Maris|The Last Time I Saw Maris]]'' [3.8]===
:''Frasier is trying to persuade Marta to let him speak to Maris''
:'''Marta''': Missy Crane say, “No you Doctor Crane, no other Doctor Crane, and no Crane with a cane!”
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin is giving the police a description of Maris]''
:'''Martin''': Yes, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. ''Very'' Caucasian.

===''[[w:Frasier Grinch|Frasier Grinch]]'' [3.9]===
:''At the KACL Christmas party, Bulldog enters Frasier's studio wearing [[w:mistletoe|mistletoe]] over his head''
:'''Bulldog:''' Hey Roz, you know what's over my head?
:'''Roz:''' Almost any clever remark?
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier has been sent the wrong presents from the educational toy company''
:'''Frasier:''' These are for a Franklin Crane from [[w:Kennebunkport|Kennebunkport]]. Do you know what this means?
:'''Niles:''' Yes: the Cranes of [[w:Maine|Maine]] have got your 'Living Brain'!

===''[[w:It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave|It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave]]'' [3.10]===
:''Martin is writing a letter, and Niles cannot help [[w:proofreading|proofreading]] it over his shoulder''
:'''Niles:''' It's best not to end a sentence with a [[w:preposition and postposition|preposition]].
:''(Martin writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Niles)''
:'''Niles:''' Not to be technical, but “off” is a preposition too.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Daphne is trying to cheer up Frasier before his date''
:'''Daphne:''' There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. “What's your favorite food?” “What's your favorite color?” “If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?” If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?
:'''Frasier:''' “[[w:Bill (payment)|Check]], please” comes to mind.

===''[[w:The Friend|The Friend]]'' [3.11]===
:''[Niles explains why he doesn't like horse races.]''
:'''Niles''': It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks, wielding riding crops, just remind me too much of Maris.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Roz interrupts Frasier during his show to stop him inviting listeners to accost him in public''
:'''Frasier:''' I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
:'''Roz:''' Well, I believe in the ''strangeness'' of strangers.

===''[[w:Come Lie With Me|Come Lie With Me]]'' [3.12]===
:'''Frasier''': Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': ''[To Martin]'' Would you get Eddie off of the couch? Or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

===''[[w:Moon Dance|Moon Dance]]'' [3.13]===
:'''Niles''': I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.
:'''Niles''': Coroners have their own bar?
:'''Martin''': No. ''Corner,'' Niles — the ''corner'' bar!

=== ''[[w:The Show Where Diane Comes Back|The Show Where Diane Comes Back]]'' [3.14]===
:''Frasier breaks the news of Diane's return to Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' She's back! The scourge of my existence!
:'''Niles:''' Strange, I usually get some sign when [[w:Lilith Sternin|Lilith]] is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…
<hr width=50%/>
:''Diane is telling a tiresome story over dinner. Martin finds an effective way to take the wind out of her sails''
:'''Diane:''' I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of…of, um…
:'''Niles:''' Sea [[w:kelp|kelp]]?
:'''Diane:''' Exactly right, sea kelp!
:'''Martin:''' Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”

=== ''[[w:A Word to the Wiseguy|A Word to the Wiseguy]]'' [3.15]===
:''Roz has given Niles the details of her shady contact, and Frasier thinks he is mad for even considering it''
:'''Frasier:''' I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a [[w:Martin Scorsese|Martin Scorsese]] film!
<hr width=50%/>
:''During the scene where Jerome drops by unexpectedly''
:'''Niles''': He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris' legal problem, and in return, I promised him a favor. Oh God! Do you think that's why he's here; to collect?
:'''Frasier''': No Niles, he's probably hosting a [[w:luau|luau]], and came by to borrow our poi [[w:ramekin|ramekins]](!)

=== ''[[w:Look Before You Leap (Frasier)|Look Before You Leap]]'' [3.16]===
:'''Frasier''': It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
:'''Frasier''': Oh, Niles.
:'''Niles''': Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
:'''Roz''': If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.

=== ''[[w:High Crane Drifter (Frasier)|High Crane Drifter]]'' [3.17]===
:''Someone has just borrowed the video of ''[[w:How Green Was My Valley (film)|How Green Was My Valley]]'' before Frasier had the chance''
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me. Is there another copy?
:'''Video Store Clerk''': Oh yeah, that'd be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" [[w:Annex|annex]](!)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier delivers a brief but impassioned speech, bellowing from his balcony.''
:'''Frasier:''' People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not [[w:barbarian|barbarians]], we are not [[w:Neanderthal|Neanderthals]] and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a pent house?
:'''Daphne''': His last album sold 5 million copies.
:'''Frasier''': Ah well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for ''<changes to next caller>'' setting someone's lawn on fire!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Ah, there he is! The man who [[w:Muhammed Ali|floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera!]]

=== ''[[w:Chess Pains|Chess Pains]]'' [3.18]===
:''Niles is reluctant to play chess with Frasier''
:'''Niles:''' Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
:'''Frasier:''' No wonder: the [[w:King (chess)|king]] is stationary, while the ''[[w:Queen (chess)|queen]]'' has all the power!

=== ''[[w:Crane Vs. Crane|Crane Vs. Crane]]'' [3.19]===
:''Mr. Safford's lawyer, John Giroux, approaches Frasier on behalf of his client''
:'''Giroux:''' Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is.
:'''Frasier:''' You sound like my father: a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment. Daphne answers the door''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's [[w:boxing|boxing]] match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

=== ''[[w:Police Story (Frasier)|Police Story]]'' [3.20]===
:'''Roz:''' Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(through his teeth)'' Question asked, question answered.

===''[[w:Where There's Smoke There's Fired|Where There's Smoke There's Fired]]'' [3.21] ===
:''Roz cannot believe how Niles spends his money''
:'''Roz:''' You spend money like a drunken [[w:sailor|sailor]].
:'''Niles:''' She said authoritatively.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Niles doesn't believe Bebe can quit smoking on her own''
:'''Niles:''' You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
:'''Frasier:''' She always looks like that - she's an agent.

=== ''[[w:Frasier Loves Roz|Frasier Loves Roz]]'' [3.22]===
:''Roz wonders what she is doing wrong, if all her friends are getting married but not she''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?
:'''Roz:''' As a friend.
:'''Frasier:''' See a therapist.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier regrets trying to persuade Roz, and neglects to notice the on-air light behind him''
:'''Frasier:''' Me and my stupid advice! ''(sees the light)''…will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!

=== ''[[w:The Focus Group (Frasier)|The Focus Group]]'' [3.23]===
:''Martin reminds Frasier of a school play in which he appeared, which was warmly received but had one bad review''
:'''Frasier:''' But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in ''[[w:Bye Bye Birdie|Bye Bye Birdie]]'', made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”
:'''Niles:''' That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.
<hr width=50%/>
:''On the way out to dinner with the family, Frasier pulls up outside a [[w:newsagent|news stall]]''
:'''Frasier:''' There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.
:'''Martin:''' I ''knew'' we should’ve taken two cars!

=== ''You Can Go Home Again'' [3.24] ===
:''Daphne is explaining to Frasier how tedious she finds holidays spent at home in England''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich…and psychiatrists richer.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier is having a bad first day at [[w:KACL (Frasier)|KACL]]''
:'''Frasier:''' In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! [[Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]] had a brighter future [[w:Assassination of Abraham Lincoln|when he picked up his tickets at the box office]]!

==Season 4==
=== ''The Two Mrs. Cranes'' [4.1] ===
:''Martin is trying to persuade one of his sons to go with him to his [[w:platoon|platoon]] reunion''
:'''Martin:''' Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink [[w:Jim Beam|Jim Beam]]. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Budweiser]]. Come on, you'd love these guys!
:'''Niles:''' We're [[w:sherry|sherry]] drinkers, Dad. Think about it.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Daphne is pretending to be Niles' wife in order to let her ex-fiancé down easily.]''
:'''Clive''': Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.
:'''Niles''': That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
:'''Martin''': ''[pretending to be a retired astronaut]'' I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!

=== ''[[w:Love Bites Dog|Love Bites Dog]]'' [4.2] ===
:'''Bulldog''': Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced!
<hr width=50%>
:''It seems that Bulldog is in love''
:'''Bulldog:''' You know what? I gotta call her. ''(picks up the phone)'' No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. ''(slams phone down)'' But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. ''(picks up phone)'' No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. ''(puts phone down)'' I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! ''(picks up phone before putting it down again)'' Doc, what should I do?!
:'''Frasier:''' Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!

=== ''The Impossible Dream'' [4.3] ===
:''Niles is relating an episode from that day''
:'''Niles:''' I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
:'''Frasier:''' Just tell me ''when'' the story ends.
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier tells his father the truth about his dream''
:'''Frasier:''' The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.
:'''Martin:''' You don't care if I ''ever'' sleep again, do you?

=== ''A Crane's Critique'' [4.4] ===
:''Niles notices Roz checking out a man''
:'''Niles:''' Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
:'''Roz:''' Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolised''
:'''Roz:''' Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
:'''Niles:''' I can't just walk up to a god like that.
:'''Roz:''' Well, then, find a subtler way.
:'''Niles:''' In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your [[w:knickers|panties]] across the street?

=== ''Head Game'' [4.5] ===
:''While standing in for his brother, Niles finds himself giving useful advice to a listener's cat''
:'''Linda:''' What did you say to him?
:'''Niles:''' Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate [[w:physician-patient privilege|doctor-cat confidentiality]]!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin and Daphne have just witnessed the results of Niles' handiwork on Reggie McLemore''
:'''Martin:''' I gotta say: I'm impressed.
:'''Daphne:''' Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe ''I'' should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. ''(Niles grins)''
:'''Martin:''' Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!
:'''Niles:''' ''(grin fades)'' Thanks, Dad.

=== ''Mixed Doubles'' [4.6] ===
:''Roz is comforting Daphne after her break-up, in a way only she knows how''
:'''Roz:''' Now, Daphne, if the jewellery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
:'''Frasier:''' Dr. Roz wades in with the [[w:Zsa Zsa Gabor|Gabor]] approach to therapy!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne:''' Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls “The Sure Thing”.
:'''Frasier:''' How flattering! They've named a bar after her.

=== ''A Lilith Thanksgiving'' [4.7] ===
:''Frasier asks why Lilith hasn't gone with her husband to a volcano site''
:'''Niles:''' Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(incredulously)'' As if a smile from [[w:Maris Crane|Maris]] couldn't freeze [[w:mercury (element)|mercury]]!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Martin:''' Nice neighborhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.
:'''Lilith:''' Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.

=== ''Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven'' [4.8]===
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Maris]'' By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
:'''Niles''': Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.
:'''Frasier''': What?
:'''Niles''': Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about Maris]'' She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
:'''Frasier''': Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

=== ''[[w:Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine|Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine]]'' [4.9] ===
:'''Sherry:''' Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' I guess we're in the [[w:placebo|placebo]] group.
<hr width=50%>
: '''Frasier:''' ''[To Niles]'' I see you are still waiting on your spine donor!

=== ''Liar! Liar!'' [4.10] ===
:''Niles has a back injury, and to impress Daphne he claims it was from a daring move in a squash game''
:'''Niles''': You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a [[w:Glossary of ballet|pirouette]] and a flying [[w:Scissor kick (strike)|scissor kick]].
:''Daphne leaves the room''
:'''Martin''': You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
:'''Niles''': Quiet!
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier decides to phone John's wife and help fix their marriage''
:'''Frasier''': ''(on phone)'' Mrs Rajeski? Hello. You don't know me, but I...
:''Sound of Niles screaming in pain from the next room''
:'''Frasier''': ...Well, that's remarkable! Yes, I ''am'' a friend of your husband's.

=== ''Three Days of the Condo'' [4.11] ===
:'''Man''': You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
:'''Frasier''': Of bad water pressure?
:'''Man''': No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz advises Frasier against running for condo board president''
:'''Roz:''' If somebody wants a [[w:garbage disposal|garbage disposal]], they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
:'''Frasier:''' Have you served on a condo board?
:'''Roz:''' No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.

=== ''Death and the Dog'' [4.12] ===
:'''Niles:''' I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]]'ll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with [[w:William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier:''' “We know for whom the bell tolls.”
:''(A distant bell sounds, from the kitchen)''
:'''Martin:''' Anybody else hear that?

=== ''Four for the Seesaw'' [4.13] ===
:''Niles is finding this new spontaneous attitude to dating quite exhilarating''
:'''Frasier:''' Feel like a new man?
:'''Niles:''' I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!
<hr width=50%>
:''Maris phones Niles to tell him he cannot see other people''
:'''Niles:''' You see what's happening here?
:'''Frasier:''' Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

=== ''To Kill a Talking Bird'' [4.14] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Martin's chair]'' Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
:'''Martin''': You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
:'''Frasier''': Dad, that will never happen.
:'''Martin''': Thank you.
:'''Frasier''': I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about his new pet bird]'' She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
:'''Martin''': Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

=== ''Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein are Dead'' [4.15] ===
:''Eddie is dancing, and Martin is very proud''
:'''Martin:''' He's practically doin' a [[w:polka|polka]].
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the [[w:carnival|carnival]].
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles is back from a wedding in the woods. Daphne finds that his shoulder is sticky and wonders why. Frasier asks if he took a date''
:'''Niles:''' I asked Maris.
:'''Daphne:''' [[w:Plant sap|Sap]].
:'''Frasier:''' I think Daphne speaks for us all.

=== ''The Unnatural'' [4.16] ===
:''Frederick is returning from a walk with Martin''
:'''Frederick:''' Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a [[w:club (weapon)|nightstick]]?
:'''Frasier:''' No. He did tell me how he captured ''two'' bank robbers with just a [[w:revolver|revolver]], his partner and a [[w:SWAT|SWAT]] team.
:'''Martin''': They got there later!
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier and Niles are at [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]] discussing the impending softball game. Frederick and Daphne arrive from the [[w:amusement park|amusement park]]''
:'''Frasier:''' So you see the problem?
:'''Niles:''' I certainly do!
:'''Frasier:''' No, that's ''your'' problem!

=== ''Roz's Turn'' [4.17] ===
:'''Roz:''' It's not like she [Bebe] worships the Devil.
:'''Frasier:''' She doesn't have to. He worships ''her''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' Not one more deceitful word... your tongue could open a wine bottle!

=== ''[[w:Ham Radio (Frasier)|Ham Radio]]'' [4.18] ===
:'''Frasier:''' ''(in a spooky voice)'' Nightmare Inn.
:'''Martin:''' Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
:'''Frasier:''' Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
:'''Niles:''' So we can stop wondering.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Roz and Frasier are acting in a live performance of a radio drama.]''
:'''Roz''': "There's someone outside that window!"
:'''Frasier''': "Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...''[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]''... the ice cream truck!

=== ''Three Dates and a Breakup'' [4.19] ===
:'''Niles''': Her lips said "No," but her eyes said "Read my lips."
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier is very proud after being asked out by two women; Niles is bitter because no one will look twice at him''
:'''Frasier:''' My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm [[w:nepeta|catnip]]!
:'''Niles:''' I think I feel a [[w:hairball|furball]] coming up.

=== ''[[w:Daphne Hates Sherry|Daphne Hates Sherry]]'' [4.20] ===
:'''Daphne''': ''[about Sherry]'' She says I'm too rigid.
:'''Niles''': Nonsense!
:'''Daphne''': And that I'm too picky.
:'''Niles''': Poppycock!
:'''Daphne''': And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...
:'''Niles''': Just to play devil's advocate...
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio, and Frasier is in no state to put up with them''
:'''Frasier:''' As we speak, hordes of [[w:virus|viral]] [[w:Visigoths|Visigoths]] are hurling themselves over the [[w:battlement|battlements]] of my [[w:immune system|immune system]], laying waste to my…Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.

=== ''[[w:Are You Being Served? (Frasier)|Are You Being Served?]]'' [4.21] ===
:''Frasier disapproves of modern society's tendency to hug all the time''
:'''Roz:''' Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, in that case you should outlive [[w:Styrofoam|Styrofoam]]!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles has had a [[w:panic attack|panic attack]] and rushed into the toilet. After a sound resembling a [[w:gunshot|gunshot]], he emerges covered head to foot in [[w:shaving cream|shaving foam]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
:'''Niles:''' ''(shaken)'' I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…
:'''Martin:''' You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!
:'''Daphne:''' He was a detective, you know(!)

=== ''Ask Me No Questions'' [4.22] ===
:''Niles is keeping Frasier waiting for their [[w:squash (sport)|squash]] game, by having a doting phone conversation with Maris. Frasier takes action''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, now, Maris. ''(phone beeps)'' Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. ''(switches lines)'' Hello?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(using his [[w:landline|landline]])'' Get the hell off the phone!
<hr width=50%>
:''Pressing Frasier for an answer to his question, Niles poses a hypothetical situation for him, in which his brother is God''
:'''Niles:''' Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(glances at Eddie)'' Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!

=== ''Odd Man Out'' [4.23] ===
:'''Daphne''': I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death.
:'''Niles''': Well, we all have to die of something.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 [[w:Chevrolet Impala|Impala]].
:'''Niles''': Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

== Season 5 ==

=== ''Frasier's Imaginary Friend'' [5.1] ===
:''Neither Niles nor Martin believe Frasier's story that he is dating a supermodel''
:'''Niles:''' Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?
:'''Martin:''' Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier tries desperately to convince his family''
:'''Frasier:''' I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the [[w:Galápagos Islands|Galápagos Islands]] to [[w:artificial insemination|artificially inseminate]] [[w:iguana|iguanas]]! Now is that so hard to believe?!

=== ''The Gift Horse'' [5.2] ===
:''Daphne fills Niles in with Sherry's meat-based plans for the food at Martin's party''
:'''Niles:''' I assume these colourful balloons are for the between-course [[w:angioplasty|angioplasty]](!)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier comes home to find speaker towers placed around his living room''
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God...It's Stonehenge

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Sherry loves the new giant screen TV''
:'''Sherry:''' Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.
:'''Frasier:''' It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)

=== ''Halloween'' [5.3] ===
:'''Martin:''' I thought you were getting me a [[w:Sherlock Holmes|Sherlock Holmes]] outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.
:'''Niles:''' Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be [[w:Lord Peter Wimsey|Lord Peter Wimsey]]!
:'''Martin:''' Who the hell's that?
:'''Niles:''' He's a celebrated ''bon vivant'' sleuth from a series of novels by [[w:Dorothy L. Sayers|Dorothy L. Sayers]].
:'''Martin''':Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier at the party meeting a woman dressed as Eve from the Bible''
:'''Frasier:''' Let me guess... [[w:Lady Godiva|Lady Godiva]]?
:'''Eve:''' No, Eve, from the Bible.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".

=== ''The Kid'' [5.4] ===
:''[Frasier enters Café Nervosa.]''
:'''Frasier''': Morning, Roz!
:'''Roz''': ''[annoyed]'' Frasier! What are you doing here?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
:'''Martin''': Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."
:'''Frasier''': I think they call them "bras" now.
:'''Martin''': Not these, you don't. You could cross the [[w:The Bridge on the River Kwai|River Kwai]] on one of those babies.

=== ''The 1000th Show'' [5.5] ===
:''Frasier has just been approached for an [[w:autograph|autograph]] in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]], and told he is “the smartest guy on the face of the earth”''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in [[w:Tibet|Tibet]], but why split hairs? ''(signs autograph, exit fan)'' Where was I?
:'''Niles:''' You were last seen hiking up Mount [[w:Id, ego, and super-ego|Ego]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne is on the phone trying desperately to renew her [[w:passport|passport]], and she feels the victim of discrimination''
:'''Daphne:''' No, I’m a [[w:alien (law)|resident alien]] here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!
:'''Martin:''' You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)

=== ''Voyage of the Damned'' [5.6] ===
:''Martin and Eddie have just come in from the rain, and Eddie has shaken himself dry all over Frasier's recently waxed floor''
:'''Frasier:''' Daphne, get this canine [[w:irrigation sprinkler|sprinkler]] out of here!
:'''Daphne:''' Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”
:'''Frasier:''' I sincerely doubt that!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carlos''': ''Buenas noches. ¿Hablas español?''
:'''Roz''': Uh, not really.
:'''Carlos:''' Is no matter. I'm sure you are schooled in the... international language.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, Roz. Say something amusing in [[w:Esperanto|Esperanto]](!)

=== ''My Fair Frasier'' [5.7] ===
:'''Frasier''': You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?
:'''Roz''': Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
:'''Frasier''': Your "glow." Oh please, Roz. Do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?
:'''Roz''': So I tell him, and he says "Fine, it's not a problem." Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.
:'''Frasier''': Well, maybe he was telling the truth.
:'''Roz''': He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are in Frasier's apartment, discussing Frasier's relationship''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.
:'''Niles:''' I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.
:'''Frasier:''' What on God's earth are you talking about?
:'''Daphne:''' I think what he means is: you're the girl!

=== ''Desperately Seeking Closure'' [5.8] ===
:''Frasier is trying to work out why Sam broke up with him. Roz thinks he is obsessing, and tells him off''
:'''Roz:''' I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz [[w:Expressway|Expressway]]”.
:'''Niles:''' I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles establishes that Frasier was not exactly in love; just saw it as a possibility for the future''
:'''Niles:''' Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even ''possibly'' sometime down the line ''perhaps'' fall in love with. I'm surprised the [[w:country music|country music]] people haven't jumped all over this one!

=== ''Perspectives on Christmas'' [5.9] ===
:''Martin is practising his song with Frasier and Niles. There is one particularly high note giving him trouble''
:'''Niles:''' Why don't you start here (“Oh night”)? And I want to hear you really attack the note.
:''Martin attempts the phrase of music, and at the ensuing sound Eddie buries his head under a cushion''
:'''Niles:''' Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

=== ''Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name'' [5.10] ===
:''In a [[w:flashback|flashback]] to Frasier and Niles at school, the pair don't think much of the lunch in the cafeteria''
:'''Young Niles:''' This lunch is a culinary [[w:LZ 129 Hindenburg|Hindenburg]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is very quick to dismiss Daphne's suggestion of meeting her friend Claire for a date''
:'''Frasier:''' I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.
:'''Daphne:''' She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.
:'''Frasier:''' So you ''do'' know my policy. Off we go!

=== ''Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do'' [5.11] ===
:''Daphne has just told Niles and Frasier about discovering the ring''
:'''Niles:''' Do you know what that means?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(ruefully)'' Yes! We’re going to hear what [[w:Felix Mendelssohn|Mendelssohn’s]] ''[[w:Wedding March (Mendelssohn)|Wedding March]]'' sounds like on the [[w:banjo|banjo]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is trying to establish whether Martin knows about Sherry’s previous marriages, by telling a falsified [[w:anecdote|anecdote]]''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the [[w:Puritan|puritanical]] streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?
:'''Martin:''' There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.

=== ''The Zoo Story'' [5.12] ===
:''[The station has hired a tough arbitrator, "The Hammer," to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe and Roz come in cheering.]''
:'''Gil''': How on earth did you get all that?
:'''Bebe''': Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.... Usually, that's just a metaphor.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Bebe confronts Frasier and presents him with a contract, promising that if he employs her again she will cut him a very good deal''
:'''Frasier:''' Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?

=== ''The Maris Counselor'' [5.13] ===
:''Niles has broken down in tears in the middle of his therapy group. Frasier is trying to keep the patients calm by claiming it is [[w:empathy|empathy]]''
:'''Frasier:''' We've had quite a [[w:catharsis|catharsis]] here. Now, traditionally it is the ''patients'' that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.

=== ''The Ski Lodge'' [5.14] ===
:''Maris is ruthless in her pursuit of a [[w:divorce|divorce]] settlement''
:'''Niles:''' When we were courting, I sent her a Valentine that said: "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours". Now they're calling it a [[w:prenuptial|pre-nup]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier finds Guy waiting in Niles' bed for him to return''
:'''Guy:''' You are not the Crane I want!
:'''Frasier:''' You're not even the ''sex'' I want!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''About Annie''
:'''Niles:''' I grant you, she's cuddly, but isn't she a bit...what would the polite euphemism be? Stupid?
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time.
:'''Niles:''' Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in ''[[wikipedia:Pygmalion (play)|Pygmalion]]''.

=== ''Room Service'' [5.15] ===
:'''Lilith''': Excuse me. I'm looking for Frasier Crane. They told me he'd be here.
:'''Roz''': Lilith, it's me. Roz Doyle.
:'''Lilith''': Oh, yes, it's Frasier's fun-loving assistant...''(notices she is pregnant)'' who's apparently had too much fun... loving.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lilith's husband has left her for their male contractor.]''
:'''Lilith:''' It's ironic, isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband [[w:Coming out|comes out of it]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
:'''Niles''': Oh, so that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
:'''Frasier''': Go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this...for a man!
:'''Niles''': Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''While Frasier waits in the hotel room, Lilith stealthily informs Niles, who is hiding in the [[w:bathroom|en-suite]], of his brother's amorous intentions''
:'''Niles:''' Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here and...''(catches Lilith's eye)'' yes, I'm aware of the irony.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': You know, it's funny; I have never stopped desiring you, Lilith, even though I know we are completely wrong for each other. But now, when I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is ''one'' bucket of ice water, let me tell you!

=== ''Beware of Greeks'' [5.16] ===
:''Martin blames Frasier for the rift with Nikos' mother''
:'''Martin:''' I can't believe because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!
:'''Frasier:''' Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for [[w:dolma|stuffed grape leaves]] and [[w:zither|zither]] music!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
:'''Martin:''' Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?
:'''Frasier:''' No, but I'd like to give it a try.

=== ''The Perfect Guy'' [5.17] ===
:''Roz is swooning over the station's attractive new host''
:'''Roz:''' I can't work with a guy that handsome... No offense.
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same—
:'''Roz:''' Species?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gil:''' I must admit, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
:'''Roz:''' You didn't notice? You of all people?
:'''Gil:''' Just what are you insinuating?
:'''Roz:''' Well, you know... you're a little...
:'''Gil:''' For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
:'''Frasier:''' You're... married?
:'''Bulldog:''' To a woman?
:'''Gil:''' Of course to a woman! Well, you've all heard me mention Deb. How many times have I said, "I must run along now, Deb will be waiting!"
:'''Roz:''' We thought Deb was your cat.
:'''Gil:''' She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a [[w:Sarah Lawrence|Sarah Lawrence]] graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well, and knows how to use a [[w:pastry bag|pastry bag]]! ''[exits in a huff]''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "[[w:Coming out|in]]" himself.

=== ''Bad Dog'' [5.18] ===
:''Frasier runs into Niles in the elevator, and sees him wearing an absurd-looking grey cap''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, what have we determined about your success with…impulse purchases?
:'''Niles:''' Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.
:'''Frasier:''' My suggestion exactly.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has taken a simple but effective approach to exposing Bulldog as a [[w:charlatan|charlatan]]''
:'''Frasier:''' Thanks, Dad.
:'''Martin''': I'm not a hero; I just wanted you to shut up.

=== ''[[w:Frasier Gotta Have It|Frasier Gotta Have It]]'' [5.19]===
:''Frasier tells his family that he tried, and failed, to break up with Caitlin''
:'''Frasier:''' Why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a [[w:Sexual addiction|sexaholic]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier tries to explain to Caitlin why he thinks things won't work out between them''
:'''Frasier:''' I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you're a [[w:Free spirit|free-spirited]], adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl!

=== ''Roz and the Schnoz'' [5.21] ===
:''Martin is excited about his trip to San Francisco with Duke to retrace their steps from their shore leave there in 1952''
:'''Martin:''' Back then, there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.
:'''Frasier:''' You know Dad, I think you'll find Frisco hasn't changed all that much.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Roz talks about having in-laws without being married.]''
:'''Roz''': That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. ''[Frasier looks shocked]'' Shut up. I needed the credits.

=== ''The Life of the Party'' [5.22] ===
:''Niles proudly shows Frasier a photograph of his new 18th-century Turkish [[w:Prayer mat|prayer rug]]''
:'''Niles:''' Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
:'''Frasier:''' Certainly worked for the dealer.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After Vickie turns him down, Frasier is rather upset. Roz has other things to worry about''
:'''Frasier:''' What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
:'''Roz:''' Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN [[w:childbirth|LABOR]]!

=== ''Party, Party'' [5.23] ===
:''Niles has met a woman who lives in Frasier's building, and things are going well''
:'''Niles:''' I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.
:'''Frasier:''' Which is more than can be said for your squash game.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin wants to take Frasier to see ''Chimps on Ice'' for his birthday; Frasier wants to stay in and watch ''[[w:Così fan tutte|Così fan tutte]]''
:'''Martin:''' Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.
:'''Frasier:''' No, and [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart's]] still kicking himself.

=== ''Sweet Dreams'' [5.24] ===
:''Niles offers to take Martin out to a new fusion restaurant. As they leave, Frasier picks up the phone''
:'''Martin''': Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?
:'''Niles''': Well... ''(closes the door)''
:'''Frasier''': Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. ''(Martin returns)'' Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kenny''': Since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.
:'''Frasier''': Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.

== Season 6 ==
=== ''Good Grief'' [6.1] ===
:''Frasier is still in denial''
:'''Frasier:''' I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
:'''Martin:''' ''(to Niles)'' A couple more days like this, he's gonna be ''in'' a beloved Seattle [[w:Psychiatric hospital|institution]].

=== ''Frasier's Curse'' [6.2] ===
:''Daphne is relieved when Martin and Niles arrive, as Frasier is depressed after his disastrous job interview''
:'''Daphne:''' He mumbled something about it being worse than the [[w:Dresden|Dresden]] première of [[w:Robert Schumann|Schumann's]] [[w:Symphony No. 2 (Schumann)|Second Symphony]].
:'''Niles:''' ''(panics)'' And you left him alone?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier announces his alternative plans for the evening, after deciding not to attend the reunion''
:'''Frasier:''' Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new [[w:audiobook|book on tape]]: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
:'''Daphne:''' ''Now'' who's cursed?!

=== ''Dial M for Martin'' [6.3] ===
:''[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together.]''
:'''Niles''': I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
:'''Roz''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
:'''Niles''': Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne announces that maybe it is time she moved on, since Martin may not need her help any more''
:'''Daphne:''' I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ''ever'' get better.

=== ''Hot Ticket'' [6.4] ===
:''Niles is trying to learn how to smoke, before Stephen Kendall joins him for a cigarette at the [[w:Intermission|interval]]''
:'''Niles:''' I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of ''[[w:The Petrified Forest|The Petrified Forest]]''.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.

=== ''First Do No Harm'' [6.5] ===
:''Frasier decides to attempt a reconciliation with Marie''
:'''Frasier:''' Sometimes the best apology is the truth.
:'''Niles:''' You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(pause)'' Well, not that truth. Some other truth!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles suggests that Frasier may find Marie fascinating because her problems give him a psychiatric challenge''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?

=== ''Secret Admirer'' [6.6] ===
:'''Martin''': ''(looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper)'' Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! ''(laughs)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles tells how he returned Maris' gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over''
:'''Niles:''' She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her [[w:ocelot|ocelot]].
:'''Martin:''' You know, they got a cream for that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier's date was a disaster, and Maris is threatening to ruin Niles''
:'''Niles:''' I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
:'''Frasier:''' And I ''won't'' be!

=== ''How to Bury a Millionaire'' [6.7] ===
:''Niles has made an [[w:emergency stop|emergency stop]] in his hatchback and fallen off the seat. He is talking to Frasier and Martin on the car phone''
:'''Niles:''' Dad, come quickly! I need your help.
:'''Martin:''' Oh, my God! What is it?
:'''Niles:''' I need you to get up here and pretend this is ''your'' car.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has been on an epic journey through Niles' apartment to bring him some [[w:aspirin|aspirin]]''
:'''Niles:''' ''(reads the box)'' This aspirin's expired.
:'''Martin:''' Well, it wasn't when I found it.

=== ''The Seal Who Came to Dinner'' [6.8] ===
:''Daphne chastises Martin for flirting with her friend Pam''
:'''Martin:''' Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
:'''Daphne:''' Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles is suspected of murder after he is seen dumping a body into the sea from a rowing boat''
:'''Niles:''' My wife is alive! She's in [[w:Antwerp|Antwerp]] having her elbows done!
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe ''that'' one!

=== ''Roz, a Loan'' [6.9] ===
:'''Niles:''' Dad, have you seen Frasier's [[w:frittata|frittata]] pan?
:'''Martin:''' ''(looks at him)'' Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.

=== ''Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz'' [6.10] ===
:''Helen asks Niles to propose a toast, and he is keen to uphold the Jewish façade''
:'''Niles:''' ''[[w:Chayyim|L'Chaim]]!'' ''[[w:Mazal Tov|Mazal Tov]]!'' Next year in [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]!
:'''Frasier:''' ''[quietly]'' Take it down a notch, [[w:Tevye|Tevye]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''This continues when Martin discovers the guests and complains that no one informed him''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
:'''Niles:''' Oh, all right, but he'll probably just ''[[w:kvetch|kvetch]]'' at me and frankly I don't need the ''[[w:List of English words of Yiddish origin#tsuris|tsuris]]''…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles! ''[mouths]'' Half that!

=== ''Good Samaritan'' [6.11] ===
:''Niles has come to the police station to bail Frasier out.''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to the desk sergeant)'' Excuse me, if you could get our [[w:bill (payment)|bill]] together, we're ready to settle up here.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier sits his son down and tries to explain the trouble he has been in''
:'''Frasier:''' For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
:'''Frederick:''' Mom's coming?

=== ''Our Parents, Ourselves'' [6.12] ===
:''Roz has just mimed a [[w:Hail Mary pass|Hail Mary pass]] to help Frasier out when a caller starts talking about [[w:American football|American football]]''
:'''Roz:''' I'm impressed you're so good at [[w:charades|charades]].
:'''Frasier:''' I'm impressed ''you'' could mime a virgin.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier and Roz worry about growing old alone, and Frasier casually suggests a pact''
:'''Roz:''' You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…
:'''Frasier:''' Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
:'''Roz:''' I was gonna say ''kill'' each other.

=== ''The Show where Woody Shows Up'' [6.13] ===
:''Frasier returns from a terrible evening at the karaoke bar''
:'''Frasier:''' For starters, Woody sang “[[w:What Kind of Fool Am I?|What Kind of Fool Am I?]]” Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with “[[w:Anything You Can Do (song)|Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better]]”. They were both wrong.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Woody has announced he has to leave Seattle ahead of schedule, having learned that his daughter has an ear infection''
:'''Frasier:''' Goodbye, Woods. ''(closes the door)'' God bless the [[w:virus|virus]] that invaded that little girl's ear canal!

=== ''To Tell the Truth'' [6.15] ===
''Niles fears that his feelings for Daphne will be made public in court''
:'''Niles''': I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court [[w:Shorthand|stenographer]].

=== ''Decoys'' [6.16] ===
:''Niles does not appreciate Roz teasing him when she finds out about his feelings for Daphne''
:'''Niles:''' Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.
:'''Roz:''' Well, sure I have.
:'''Niles:''' I'm not talking about when the [[w:Foreign worker|migrant workers]] leave at the end of the picking season.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin and Frasier are leaving the cottage''
:'''Martin:''' Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice [[w:Sloppy joe|Sloppy joe]]. I'll pay for it.
:'''Frasier:''' Something tells me I'll pay for it too.

=== ''Dinner Party'' [6.17] ===
:''The message from the Walburts start Frasier and Niles arguing about who "that other one" refers to''
:'''Niles:''' This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an [[w:Extension (telephone)|extension]].
:'''Frasier:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Better yet, why don't we just get on a [[w:Tandem bicycle|bicycle built for two]], ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Nina Duncan has phoned to announce that the Joaquín she will be bringing is her foster child''
:'''Niles:''' So, he's not the conductor of the [[w:Buenos Aires|Buenos Aires]] Philharmonic?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, you ''are so'' "that other one"!

=== ''Taps at the Montana'' [6.18] ===
:''Niles tries to cover up the death of Baby by pretending she is tired from travelling''
:'''Mrs Latimer:''' You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?
:'''Niles:''' Well, she has family there.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Carol Larkin has just suggested a party game of "Murder"''
:'''Mrs. Latimer:''' Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me. I know a little nook where no one will find us.
:'''Martin:''' This game's a lot scarier than I thought!

=== ''IQ'' [6.19] ===
:''Daphne is in the middle of an online conversation with Donny, and asks Niles what he is saying now''
:'''Niles:''' Er, "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish [[w:crumpet|cwumpet]]". Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''As soon as Niles has left, Frasier decides that he must not be upstaged at the lunch on account of his IQ''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the [[w:cosmos|cosmos]], [[w:black hole|black hole]]s, [[w:matter|matter]], [[w:antimatter|antimatter]], and I won't matter at all!

=== ''Dr. Nora'' [6.20] ===
:''Niles is trying to grow a [[w:moustache|moustache]]. So far it is barely visible''
:'''Niles:''' I grant you, it's at an early stage.
:'''Frasier:''' What stage? [[w:Research and development|Research and development]]?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Roz has been flirting with Dr. Nora's producer, George, while Frasier declares war on Dr. Nora herself''
:'''Roz:''' You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?
:'''George:''' Yeah!
:'''Roz:''' Well, it's WAR!

=== ''When a Man Loves Two Women'' [6.21] ===
:''Niles learns that Frasier had a date the previous evening, and expresses his condolences, assuming it went badly.''
:'''Niles:''' A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you. I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.
:''[Enter Cassandra]''
:'''Cassandra:''' Good morning.
:'''Frasier:''' Keep thinking.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier now has both Faye and Cassandra in the apartment, each unaware of the other's presence. Niles has only seen Cassandra.''
:'''Frasier:''' This is a disaster!
:'''Niles:''' What is?
:''[Faye enters.]''
:'''Faye:''' Hi, Niles.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, I'm up to speed!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Got anymore hiding in the Grotto, [[w:Hugh Hefner|Hef]]?

=== ''Visions of Daphne'' [6.22] ===
:''Daphne tells Frasier about Niles' advice regarding her vision''
:'''Daphne:''' Unlike you, he believes in my visions. He knows I have a gift. ''(exit)''
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, and he's been trying to unwrap it for six years!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne tells Niles about her vision''
:'''Niles:''' ''[excited]'' I think I know who this person is.
:'''Daphne:''' You do?
:'''Niles:''' Yes.
:'''Daphne:''' Well, I don't see how you could. I couldn't tell myself. He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bow tie.
:'''Niles:''' I don't have a... ''[realises]'' clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding.

=== ''Shutout in Seattle'' [6.23-4] ===
:''Frasier wants to know what happened to his favorite scented candle in the bathroom''
:'''Daphne:''' I'm going to let my [[w:Attorney at law|attorney]] handle this one.
:'''Donny:''' I'm sorry, Frasier, you know. I guess after a little [[w:Champagne (wine)|champagne]] we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. And don't worry; we'll replace the candle.
:'''Frasier:''' If only you could replace the image.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Kit is out smoking on Frasier's balcony, and coughing at intervals''
:'''Niles:''' She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.
:'''Frasier:''' You may have to return the favor.

==Season 7==
=== ''Momma Mia'' [7.1] ===
:''Martin has just met Mia, and is shocked at how much she resembles his late wife. She seems to like the cabin''
:'''Mia:''' I feel like I'm in Heaven.
:'''Martin:''' I'm starting to feel that way myself.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
:'''Niles''': It is not a phobia! I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!

=== ''Father of the Bride'' [7.2] ===
:'''Niles''': Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their [[w:Great Dane|Great Dane]] and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
:'''Frasier''': I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about his date]'' She was... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason: it was Mr. Waggles' birthday. Actually, his birthday party. Actually, his ''surprise'' birthday party!

=== ''Radio Wars'' [7.3] ===
:''Frasier is not happy that Martin found the prank phonecall so amusing''
:'''Martin:''' D'you think you could get me a tape of the show?
:'''Frasier:''' What on earth for?
:'''Martin:''' How often d'you get to hear your son on the radio?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(glares at him)'' I'm on the radio EVERY DAY!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin has pointed out to his sons that bullies have always targeted them because they acted like they were above everyone else''
:'''Frasier:''' Daphne, tell me: do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
:'''Daphne:''' That's it! I'm getting me door [[w:Soundproofing|soundproofed]]!

=== ''Everyone's a Critic'' [7.4] ===
:''Roz has arrived in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]], and seen Poppy at another table with some other KACL workers''
:'''Roz:''' I see Poppy's having a little party.
:'''Frasier:''' That is not a party; that's a [[w:Hostage crisis|hostage situation]].
<hr width=50%>
:''The news about Frasier's prospective new arts show starts an argument with Niles''
:'''Niles:''' You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
:'''Frasier:''' I do ''not'' have what you have; my audience is twice as large as yours is!
:'''Niles:''' Oh well, at least my audience can read!
:'''Frasier:''' How dare you review my audience!

=== ''The Dog That Rocks the Cradle'' [7.5] ===
:'''Daphne''': I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
:'''Frasier''': I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': We've got to plan for it. We must all be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
:''[Someone knocks at the door.]''
:'''Frasier''': Would you get that?
:'''Niles''': I most certainly will not.

=== ''Rivals'' [7.6] ===
:''Regan has admitted that her name is from a treacherous daughter in [[w:King Lear|King Lear]], which makes it less than flattering''
:'''Regan:''' I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.
:''Enter Martin, who is trying to match them up''
:'''Martin:''' Excuse me again.
:'''Frasier:''' I have no idea what that would be like!
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz is trying to persuade Frasier to buy tickets for a charity ball''
:'''Roz:''' Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide [[w:Emergency management|disaster relief]].
:''Enter Poppy''
:'''Poppy:''' Hi, partners!
:'''Frasier:''' How soon can they get here?

=== ''A Tsar is Born'' [7.7] ===
:''Frasier has just realised that the "game show" Martin wants to watch is The Antiques Roadshow, which he and Niles planned to watch''
:'''Niles:''' I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
<hr width=50%>
:''Dr. Myshkin has arrived to examine the clock, and Frasier asks Daphne to bring in the [[w:caviar|caviar]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, I am so sorry. Here I am, dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into Caviar Time!

=== ''The Late Dr. Crane'' [7.8] ===
:''After a minor car accident''
:'''Niles:''' Are you alright?
:'''Frasier:''' Yes. Thank Heaven your ''fist'' softened the blow of the airbag!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles and Mel are heading out to dinner''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles: nothing puts on [[w:love handles|love handles]] faster than chocolate [[w:soufflé|soufflé]].
:'''Mel:''' Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do!

=== ''The Apparent Trap'' [7.9] ===
:''Frasier urges Niles and Lilith to behave as they used to towards each other: by trading insults''
:'''Niles:''' Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an [[w:Brain freeze|ice cream headache]].
:'''Lilith:''' You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!
:'''Frasier:''' Was that so hard?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne''': Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
:'''Niles''': Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

=== ''Back Talk'' [7.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...''[winces in pain]'' God Almighty!
:'''Niles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!
<hr width=50%>
:'''This is a pivotal moment'''
:''Daphne, relieved that she misunderstood Frasier's musings earlier, is giving him a massage. He is very drowsy after taking the [[w:sedative|tranquilisers]]''
:'''Daphne:''' When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me", he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(half-asleep)'' Oh, that…he meant Niles.
:'''Daphne:''' ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Frasier:''' Niles…he's crazy about you.

===''The Fight Before Christmas'' [7.11] ===
:'''Daphne''': ''[about Niles' longtime crush on her]'' I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
:'''Roz''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Why confuse things?
<hr width=50%>
:''Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' Anything else in the box, [[w:Pandora|Pandora]]?!
=== ''RDWRER'' [7.12] ===
''Frasier and Roz exchange New Year greetings in Nervosa''
:'''Roz''': I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
:'''Frasier''': I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
:'''Roz''': Thank you.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''(on the phone)'' Niles! Where are you calling from?
:'''Niles''': ''(triumphantly)'' From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job of driving, I might add.
:'''Frasier''': But ''I'm'' in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!

===''[[w:They're Playing Our Song (Frasier)|They're Playing Our Song]]'' [7.13]===
:''Daphne has a new and very powerful [[w:vacuum cleaner|vacuum cleaner]], but when she tries using it on Martin's chair it breaks down, with a small explosion''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt ''Pile'' 1957."
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles questions whether Frasier needs as many musicians as he has''
:'''Niles:''' Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, but if less is more, then just think of how much more "more" will be!

=== ''Big Crane on Campus'' [7.14] ===
:''Roz is in Café Nervosa when Frasier runs into Lorna''
:'''Roz:''' So, are you going to ask her out?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-
:'''Martin''': No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With [[w:Moe Howard|Moe Howard]]."
:'''Frasier''': That was [[w:Noël Coward|Noël Coward]]!

===''Out With Dad'' [7.15]===
:''Daphne is complaining that even being engaged doesn't guarantee a date on [[w:Valentine's Day|Valentine's Day]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.
:'''Martin:''' What'd she do this time?
:'''Daphne:''' She died.
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier is embarrassed that Emily just kissed him and is now about to leave.''
:'''Niles:''' ''You're'' embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!

===''Something About Dr. Mary'' [7.16]===
:''Frasier does not want Chuck Ranberg to stand in for Roz, on account of his amusing speech impediment''
:'''Roz''': Hey, Chuck. How's it going?
:'''Chuck''': Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin has suggested that Frasier refuses to restrain Mary because she is black; Frasier denies it''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, owning the CD of "[[w:Ella Fitzgerald|Ella]] sings [[w:George Gershwin|Gershwin]]" does not qualify you as a [[w:Soul music|soul]] brother!

===''[[w:Whine Club|Whine Club]]'' [7.17]===
:'''Frasier''': We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."
:'''Roz''': But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
<hr width=50%>
:''[Wine Club members address Niles, the new corkmaster, to the tune of [[w:Rule, Britannia!|Rule, Britannia]].]''
:Hail, corkmaster,
:The master of the cork,
:He knows which wine goes with fish or pork!

===''Hot Pursuit'' [7.18]===
:''[Niles is asking where Martin is.]''
:'''Daphne''': He's with Donny. They went to a [[w:Tractor pulling|tractor pull]].
:'''Niles:''' ''(as though understanding)'' Oh...
:''(gives her a questioning look)''
:'''Daphne:''' As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
:'''Niles:''' ''(as though understanding)'' Oh...
:''(gives her another questioning look)''
:'''Daphne:''' The answer to your next question is, "beats the hell out of me!"
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend. Some twenty-eight year-old named Marcel. He's a contortionist with the [[w:Cirque du Soleil|Cirque du Soleil]].
:'''Niles''': She's dating French circus folk?
:'''Frasier''': Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.

===''Morning Becomes Entertainment'' [7.19]===
:'''Frasier''': Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?
:'''Daphne''': No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
:'''Bebe''': You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?
:'''Frasier''': Uh-huh.
:'''Bebe''': They haven't come up to it yet.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
:'''Bebe''': Don't worry, dear. I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
:'''Niles''': Have you tried turning into a bat?
:'''Bebe''': I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.

===''To Thine Old Self Be True'' [7.20]===
:''Niles is showing Frasier and Roz a rotund woman eating [[w:bear claw|bear claw]]s outside Café Nervosa''
:'''Roz:''' Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.
:'''Frasier:''' It's childish.
:'''Niles:''' It's Maris!

===''The Three Faces of Frasier'' [7.21]===
:''Frasier is still complaining about the caricature on the way home from the restaurant''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, [[w:encephalitis|encephalitic]]?!
:'''Martin:''' So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.
:'''Frasier:''' It makes me look like I discovered fire!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles and Frasier take their seats at Stefano's, underneath the new portrait''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, there it is. Frasier [[w:skull|Cranium]]!

===''The Dark Side of the Moon'' [7.22]===
:''Frasier is very cross at the state of his kitchen after Simon used it''
:'''Daphne:''' Yes, I guess they got some [[w:take-out|take-out]].
:'''Frasier:''' It looked like a [[w:Kung Pao chicken|Kung Pao]] bomb went off!
<hr width=50%>
:''He then erupts when he discovers a nude Simon in his bed''
:'''Martin:''' Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap. It's the [[w:jet lag|jet lag]]. Couple of days and he'll be [[w:time zone|on our time]].
:'''Frasier:''' A couple more days, he'll be on our [[w:sidewalk|sidewalk]]!

=== ''[[w:Something Borrowed, Something Blue (Frasier)|Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (Part I)]]'' [7.23] ===
:''Roz is not keen on Frasier's suggestion that he accompany her to Daphne's wedding''
:'''Roz:''' Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the [[w:prom|prom]] with your brother.
:'''Frasier:''' Niles and I did not go to the prom together!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne has told Frasier that she found out about Niles' long-time attraction to her.]''
:'''Frasier''': ''[furious]'' Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut! Who was it? Dad? Roz?
:'''Daphne''': You.
:'''Frasier''': ''What?''

=== ''[[w:Something Borrowed, Something Blue (Frasier)|Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (Part II)]]'' [7.24] ===
:''[Daphne has passionately kissed Niles.]''
:'''Niles''': I think you can call me "Niles" now.
<hr width=50%>
:''The final words of the episode, as Daphne and Niles prepare to leave the wedding together in the Winnebago''
:'''Niles:''' Fasten your [[w:seat belt|seat belt]], Daphne.
:'''Daphne:''' Fasten ''yours'', Niles!

==Season 8==
=== ''And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (1)'' [8.1] ===
:''Martin and Frasier observe the conversation between Niles and Mel. Frasier still has the figurine that Donny gave him''
:'''Frasier:''' Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift; I try to do the right thing, I get Mr Chump and a [[w:lawsuit|lawsuit]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public''
:'''Niles:''' Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
:'''Martin:''' Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.

=== ''And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (2)'' [8.2] ===
:''Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception''
:'''Frasier:''' Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
:'''Martin:''' How about you and [[w:Lilith Sternin|Lilith]]?
:'''Frasier:''' It was a rhetorical question!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever''
:'''Photographer:''' How about a kiss?
:'''Niles:''' All right! I hardly know you, but…

=== ''The Great Crane Robbery'' [8.4] ===
:''Frasier is just leaving [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]] when Mel arrives to see Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, Mel.
:'''Mel:''' ''(icily)'' Frasier. You're looking...
:'''Frasier:''' ''(hastily)'' And you. We must do this again. ''(exits)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture''
:'''Daphne:''' Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
:'''Daphne:''' Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)

=== ''Taking Liberties'' [8.5] ===
:''Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out''
:'''Niles:''' Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at ''my'' apartment. Not only that; she's going in ''my'' car, in ''my'' back seat, under a pile of ''my'' coats and blankets!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ferguson''': [[w:Manchester, England|Manchester]], right?
:'''Daphne''': Is it that obvious?
:'''Ferguson''': To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for [[w:Manchester United|United]].
:'''Daphne''': Really? My father once tried like crazy to get [[w:Bobby Charlton|Bobby Charlton]]'s autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!

=== ''Legal Tender Love and Care'' [8.6] ===
:'''Martin:''' Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
:'''Abby''': I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
:'''Frasier:''' Thrust and parry, Dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm''
:'''Frasier:''' I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
:'''Martin:''' Don't worry; you are.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Abby:''' I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
:''[Throws him out of her office.]''
:'''Frasier:''' You still can!

=== ''The New Friend'' [8.7] ===
:''Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke''
:'''Roz:''' Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
:'''Frasier:''' No, I do not deserve ''your'' friendship.
:'''Niles:''' I deserve my own table. Excuse me. ''(exit)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I ''am'' available for that concert…
:'''Niles:''' No, you're not.

=== ''Mary Christmas'' [8.8] ===
:''Kelly Kirkland no longer co-hosts the Christmas parade with her husband''
:'''Frasier''': She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a [[w:cue card|cue card]] girl.
:'''Roz''': How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Now that [[w:Ballantine Brewery|Ballantine]] has been discontinued, Martin is not looking forward to Christmas''
:'''Daphne''': Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.
:'''Niles''': Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.
:'''Martin''': Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

=== ''Frasier's Edge'' [8.9] ===
:''Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist''
:'''Tewkesbury:''' Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
:'''Frasier:''' Have you ever met Lilith?
:'''Tewkesbury:''' No.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(stuttering)'' Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived''
:'''Niles:''' He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
:'''Kenny:''' Stall? ''(beat)'' Stall?!
:'''Niles:''' Yes, like that.

=== ''Motor Skills'' [8.11] ===
:''Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat''
:'''Chelsea''': Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
:'''Daphne''': Why, you've never been bored before?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles realises that students who coast through class are simply frustrated''
:'''Frasier''': So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at [[w:Pythagoras|Pythagoras]].
:'''Niles''': Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

=== ''The Show Must Go Off'' [8.12] ===
:'''Niles''': It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': He has no instincts. He just stinks.

=== ''Sliding Frasiers'' [8.13] ===
:''Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz''
:'''Frasier:''' Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.

=== ''Hungry Heart'' [8.14] ===
:''Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them''
:'''Frasier:''' Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
:''Enter Kenny''
:'''Kenny:''' Doc, I need you in the bedroom. ''(exit)''
:'''Martin:''' ''(pause)'' Pretty.

=== ''Hooping Cranes'' [8.15] ===
:''Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given''
:'''Roz:''' I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
:'''Frasier:''' So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier finally loses patience with Niles' basking in glory''
:'''Frasier:''' The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane ''accidentally'' made a basket. The End!

=== ''DocuDrama'' [8.15] ===
:''During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
:'''Roz:''' Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
:'''Roz:''' Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
:'''Frasier:''' Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! ''(exit)''
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Frasier:''' If I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of Justice!

=== ''It Takes Two to Tangle'' [8.17] ===
:''Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy''
:'''Niles:''' I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
:'''William:''' Okay, which one?
:'''Niles:''' I think it was something by [[w:Anton Chekhov|Chekhov]].

=== ''Forgotten But Not Gone'' [8.18] ===
:''After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman''
:'''Roz:''' Aww, do you really believe that?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to ''myself'' ten minutes ago!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion''
:'''Frasier:''' You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
:'''Martin:''' I don't think it's clear you're ''talking'' about wine.

=== ''Daphne Returns'' [8.19] ===
:''In the midst of the argument''
:'''Niles:''' I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
:'''Daphne:''' Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
:'''Niles:''' Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne:''' You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your [[w:opera|opera]].
:'''Niles:''' You NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!

=== ''The Wizard and Roz'' [8.20] ===
:''Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic''
:'''Tewksbury:''' Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
:'''Roz:''' No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
:'''Tewkesbury:''' Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, ''he's'' wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test''
:'''Daphne:''' Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
:'''Morey:''' It's OK. Dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
:''Niles and Daphne look taken aback''
:'''Morey:''' I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.

=== ''A Passing Fancy'' [8.22] ===
:''Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz''
:'''Kirby:''' She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out''
:'''Kirby:''' So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. [[w:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]].
:'''Kirby:''' The Boss!
:'''Frasier:''' No, Bruce Springsteen.

=== ''A Day in May'' [8.23] ===
:'''Niles''': I'd hardly call this a dog park. ''(looks around)'' It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose [[w:beagle|beagles]] are those?
:'''Daphne''': Don't stare. It only encourages them.

=== ''Cranes Go Caribbean'' [8.24] ===
:'''Frasier''': Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to [[w:Belize|Belize]] after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
:'''Niles''': Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
:'''Frasier''': Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier has had a car accident because of Lana and will miss his flight''
:'''Frasier''': At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.

==Season 9==
=== ''Don Juan in Hell (Part 1)'' [9.1] ===
:''Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet''
:'''Bob:''' Have you been waiting here long?
:'''Frasier:''' Time is irrelevant here in the [[w:Divine Comedy#The Circles of Hell|Seventh Circle of Hell]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Kirby's ex-girlfriend has just arrived unexpectedly at his graduation party, and is furious when she meets his “other lady”''
:'''Roz:''' I was never his lady.
:'''Kirby:''' Damn, baby, that’s cold!
:'''Kristi:''' She’s old enough to be your mother, practically.
:'''Roz:''' Damn, baby, now ''that’s'' cold!

=== ''Don Juan in Hell (Part 2)'' [9.2] ===
:''Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves''
:'''Lana:''' You are a really good f...
:'''Frasier:''' Don’t. Don’t use the F word.
:'''Lana:''' ''(laughs)'' I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re ''friends''!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Diane''': She tried to kill me once.
:'''Hester''': Oh, not this paranoia again!
:'''Diane''': You had a ''gun.''

=== ''[[w:The First Temptation of Daphne (Frasier)|The First Temptation of Daphne]]'' [9.3] ===
:''The [[w:Cricket (insect)|cricket]] in the apartment is driving Frasier insane''
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!
:'''Martin:''' That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne knocks at the door of Niles' office]''
:'''Niles''': Well, this is an unexpected treat.
:'''Daphne''': Niles, I have something to tell you.
:'''Niles''': Is it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
:'''Daphne''': No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.

=== ''[[w:The Return of Martin Crane (Frasier)|The Return of Martin Crane]]'' [9.4] ===

=== ''[[w:Love Stinks (Frasier)|Love Stinks]]'' [9.5] ===
:''Frasier quotes an injurious [[w:Limerick (poetry)|limerick]] about himself to Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' "There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
:'''Niles:''' That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a ''lot'' to be desired…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, you're missing the point!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
:'''Martin:''' Is it worse than [[w:Hemorrhoid|Piles]]?

=== ''[[w:Room Full of Heroes (Frasier)|Room Full of Heroes]]'' [9.6] ===

=== ''[[w:Bla-Z Boy (Frasier)|Bla-Z Boy]]'' [9.7] ===
:''Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
:'''Niles:''' Like to a resort?
:'''Frasier:''' Like to live with you.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, yes. The last resort.

=== ''[[w:The Two Hundredth (Frasier)|The Two Hundredth]]'' [9.8] ===
:'''Roz:''' It's time for another blooper.
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...
:'''Roz:''' ''[on tape]'' Now what the ''[beep]'' is this? You call this a ''[beep]'' paycheck? How the ''[beep]'' am I supposed to live on this ''[beep]''? I'm gonna have a little word with that ''[beep]''-damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-''[beep]''-ing place!
:'''Kenny Daly:''' ''[who's entered]'' Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]''
:'''Frasier''': That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
:'''Niles:''' Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
:'''Niles:''' Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
:'''Frasier:''' Another delightful quirk of mine.
:'''Niles:''' Not from where I'm sitting.
:''[When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]''
:'''Frasier:''' I'll put on some pants.
:'''Niles Crane:''' Zipper goes in front.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne is moping about losing Frasier's tape, so Martin shows her how he's covered up breaking a lot of Frasier's "treasures."]''
:'''Martin''': See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.

=== ''[[w:Sharing Kirby (Frasier)|Sharing Kirby]]'' [9.9] ===
:'''Kirby''': It's true. I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said!

=== ''[[w:Junior Agent (Frasier)|Junior Agent]]'' [9.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': And screw, may I add, ''you!''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': She took your pants, you know!
:'''Kenny Daley''': I know!

=== ''[[w:Bully for Martin (Frasier)|Bully for Martin]]'' [9.11] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[about Martin]'' You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
:'''Frasier''': Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
:'''Niles''': Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
:'''Frasier''': Shut up.

=== ''[[w:Mother Load (1) (Frasier)|Mother Load (1)]]'' [9.12] ===
:''[Frasier has successfully argued a motion forcing [[w:Minor characters on Frasier#Cam Winston|Cam Winston]] to park his [[w:Hummer|Hummer]] in the sub-basement, citing pollution concerns.]''
:'''Cam Winston''': Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cam:''' You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
:'''Frasier:''' If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
:'''Cam:''' Bigger!

=== ''[[w:Mother Load (2) (Frasier)|Mother Load (2)]]'' [9.13] ===
:''[Frasier refuses to let Simon bring a woman into his apartment]''
:'''Simon''': ''[to Frasier]'' Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier has been kept awake for several nights because of Cam Winston draping a giant American flag over his window]''
:'''Daphne''': Still awake, Doctor Crane?
:'''Frasier''': Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.

=== ''[[w:Juvenilia (Frasier)|Juvenilia]]'' [9.14] ===

=== ''[[w:The Proposal (Frasier)|The Proposal]]'' [9.15] ===
:''[Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]''
:'''Frasier''': You knew?
:'''Niles''': Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
:'''[[w:Wolfgang Puck|Wolfgang Puck]]''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes, Dr. Crane?
:'''Frasier''': It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.
:'''Wolfgang Puck''': They're getting "beautifully crunchy."
:'''Frasier''': I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."
:'''Wolfgang Puck''': They're [[w:Cajun|Cajun]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... ''[holds up the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Niles! Of course, I will.

=== ''[[w:Wheels of Fortune (Frasier)|Wheels of Fortune]]'' [9.16] ===
:''Frasier refuses to be taken in by Blaine's apparent disability''
:'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
:'''Frasier:''' Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Blaine:''' I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
:'''Frasier:''' What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.

=== ''[[w:Three Blind Dates (Frasier)|Three Blind Dates]]'' [9.17] ===
:''Niles is trying to orchestrate a chance meeting between Frasier and Lisa in the bookshop, by sending his brother on errands''
:'''Frasier''': Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your [[w:Lackey|lackey]]?
:'''Niles''': No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of [[w:NASCAR|Nas-Car]]."
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After an argument with a shop assistant, Frasier leaves indignantly, dragged by Niles''
:'''Frasier''': You know, by the way: you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!

=== ''[[w:War of the Words (Frasier)|War of the Words]]'' [9.18] ===
:'''John''': Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
:'''Frasier''': And you never shut up!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles encourages Frederick to leave with his dignity intact, but then John Clayton scornfully says he will probably end up in a [[w:state school|state school]]''
:'''Niles:''' How DARE you! ''[to Frederick]'' Can you take him?
:'''Frederick:''' Yeah!
:'''Niles:''' Then spell his ass off!

=== ''[[w:Deathtrap (Frasier)|Deathtrap]]'' [9.19] ===
:''[Frasier and Niles find a skull]''
:'''Niles''': Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
:'''Frasier''': Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
:'''Niles''': Why not?
:'''Frasier''': Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
:'''Frasier''': Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
:'''Niles''': It's pointier.

=== ''The Love You Fake'' [9.20] ===
:''Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a [[w:Combo washer dryer|washer-dryer]]. Frasier has discovered an odd sock''
:'''Frasier''': I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
:'''Daphne''': ''[unperturbed]'' Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. ''[exits]''
:'''Frasier''': I don't have any pinks.
:'''Daphne''': ''[from the kitchen]'' You will.

=== ''Cheerful Goodbyes'' (9.21) ===
:''Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff''
:'''Carla''': ''(getting angrier and angrier as she talks)'' It sticks in my mouth like your rotten [[w:Deviled egg|devilled eggs]]. '''I hate your guts!''' I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
:'''Frasier''': Carla...
:'''Carla''': Knock off! I'm toasting! ''[to Cliff]'' The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're ''leaving'', I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! ''[Noticing that everybody is shocked]'' Anyway...God bless.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cliff''': What's goin' down, Norm?
:'''Norm''': My blood alcohol level. ''[to his beer]'' Suds, do your work.

=== ''The Guilt Trippers'' [9.23] ===
:''[Frasier and Roz have slept together]''
:'''Frasier''': Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
:'''Martin''': Your naked body?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!

=== ''Moons Over Seattle'' [9.24] ===
:''Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle''
:'''Harry:''' I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
:'''Niles:''' ''[pauses]'' I insist!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne''
:'''Niles:''' I'll put you up in a hotel.
:'''Harry:''' I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
:'''Harry:''' Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne:''' So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
:'''Harry:''' But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
:'''Daphne:''' You barely know him.
:'''Harry:''' Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. ''[rubs his fingers together]'' He's worth a bob or two.

==Season 10==
=== ''The Ring Cycle'' [10.1] ===
:'''Gertrude:''' Well, in ''my'' day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
:'''Alice:''' Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
:'''Gertrude:''' ''[to Roz]'' You should talk to your daughter. ''[exits]''
:'''Roz:''' ''[to Alice]'' When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier attempts to reassure Daphne's mother that a civil ceremony does not mean a Godless union''
:'''Frasier:''' For if you truly believe in the [[w:omniscience|omniscience]] and [[w:omnipresence|omnipresence]] of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
:'''Gertrude:''' No, He lives at the church!

=== ''Enemy at the Gate'' [10.2] ===
:''[Niles and Daphne have named their pet [[w:Lovebird|lovebirds]] after themselves]''
:'''Niles:''' This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"
:'''Frasier:''' Trust me: no one is more birdly than Niles.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An angry driver waiting behind Frasier's car claims that only rich people can afford to behave the way he is doing]''
:'''Frasier:''' My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
:'''Niles:''' Yes. ''[to the driver]'' I drive a [[w:Mercedes-Benz|Mercedes]], and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

=== ''Proxy, Prexy'' [10.3] ===
:''Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him''
:'''Frasier''': We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.
:'''Martin''': ''[annoyed]'' Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.

=== ''Kissing Cousin'' [10.4] ===
:''Niles has arrived at Frasier's apartment to find his wife doing housework for his brother and father''
:'''Niles''': Are you proud of yourselves?
:'''Frasier''': We didn't ask her to do anything!
:'''Martin''': She offered!
:'''Niles''': Then why is no one looking me in the eye?

=== ''Tales from the Crypt'' [10.5] ===
:''[Frasier, the victim of Bulldog's latest prank, denies having been fooled, then hears a tape of himself]''
:'''Frasier:''' ''[wailing]'' My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin complains that Frasier makes practical jokes seem like work]''
:'''Martin:''' This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
:'''Frasier:''' Like when?
:'''Martin:''' Like the last time we went to the beach!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Jason’s parents call round to Niles' apartment to sort things out]''
:'''Beverly White:''' It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
:'''Niles:''' ''You're'' embarrassed? Meet our daughter. ''[gestures to Gertrude]''

=== ''[[w:Star Mitzvah (Frasier)|Star Mitzvah]]'' [10.6] ===
:'''Noel''': The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need [[w:Scott Bakula|Scott Bakula]]'s autograph to make my collection complete.
:'''Frasier''': Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
:'''Noel''': Oh, I would! But [[w:William Shatner|William Shatner]]'s restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a ''real'' [[w:Weapons_of_Star_Trek#Phasers|phaser]].

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''[[w:Star Trek|Star Trek]]'' is just a TV show.
:'''Noel''': So was [[w:Evelyn Waugh#Brideshead Revisited (1945)|Brideshead Revisited]]!
:'''Frasier''': You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!

=== ''Bristle While You Work'' [10.7] ===
:''[Frasier has just finished interviewing another candidate and is walking her to the door]''
:'''Frasier:''' Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... ''[closes the door]'' of never!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin is encouraged to hear that Trish is a fan of the [[w:Seattle SuperSonics|Sonics]]]''
:'''Trish:''' I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
:'''Martin:''' Not everybody. Or his brother.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin:''' Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... ''[closes the door]'' asteroid hits Earth!

=== ''Room with a View'' (10.8) ===
:''Frasier is arguing with the surgeon about Niles' operation''
:'''Dr Schaeffer''': Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
:'''Frasier''': And ''my'' expert opinion says otherwise.
:'''Dr Schaeffer''': ''[calm, but annoyed]'' Well, if you're such an expert, maybe ''you'' should perform the surgery.
:'''Frasier''': Maybe I will.
:'''Niles''': ''[whining]'' Dad...
:'''Martin''': ''[sternly]'' Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
:'''Martin''': How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?
:'''Frasier''': Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.

=== ''We Two Kings'' [10.10] ===
:''[Roz encourages Frasier to air his grievances about Christmas]''
:'''Roz:''' Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
:'''Frasier:''' It's just so egregious!
:'''Roz:''' Smaller words.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
:'''Frasier:''' Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you: [[w:Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]] called, and ''you'' are not the centre of the universe!

=== ''Lilith Needs a Favor'' [10.13] ===
:'''Albert:''' My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was nervous because I'd turn ''off'' white.
:'''Lilith:''' I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with [[w:Liquid Paper|Liquid Paper]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' Would we sleep together?
:'''Lilith:''' I was thinking we could ''freeze'' your sperm.
:'''Frasier:''' Is that a "yes" or "no"?

=== ''Daphne Does Dinner'' [10.14] ===
:'''Frasier:''' As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
:'''Martin:''' As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne guards a veiled painting from a curious guest]''
:'''Daphne:''' You've got two choices: you can either ''walk'' away from the painting, or you can ''limp'' away from the painting.

=== ''Trophy Girlfriend'' [10.15] ===
:''Chelsea and Frasier celebrate their mixed doubles win. Frasier cannot resist gloating in front of his brother''
:'''Chelsea''': There's no 'i' in team.
:'''Frasier''': Like there is in Niles!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Roz and Julia find a way to be friends: by insulting each other''
:'''Julia''': You know there's a place down the street that's open all night.
:'''Roz''': Just like your mouth?
:'''Julia''': Just like your legs?

=== ''Fraternal Schwinns'' [10.16] ===
:''[Frasier and Niles are in a bicycle shop]''
:'''Frasier:''' Is there anything else we need?
:'''Niles:''' Hmm, let me see. Oh yes, I know: we need to know how to ''ride them''!
:'''Frasier:''' If a child of four can ride one, then so can we.
:'''Niles:''' That's what we said when we were six!

=== ''Kenny on the Couch'' [10.17] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child [[w:Psychological trauma|trauma]].
:'''Martin:''' What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles learns of Frasier's new patient]''
:'''Frasier:''' Very challenging case. The man has father issues, any number of [[w:neurosis|neuroses]] and a [[w:phobia|phobia]] or two.
:'''Niles:''' Sounds to me like you’ve hit the [[w:crank (person)|crackpot]]!

=== ''Roe to Perdition'' [10.18] ===
:''[Frasier tries to think of a solution to the shortage of caviar.]''
:'''Frasier:''' What was the name of the boat...?
:'''Niles:''' [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|HMS ''Bounty'']]!
:'''Frasier:''' This isn’t ''[[w:Trivial Pursuit|Trivial Pursuit]].'' Let me finish!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin, still frustrated at the amount of [[w:red tape|red tape]] he faces at the bank, takes a phone call in Frasier’s absence]''
:'''Martin:''' No, I'm sorry. Frasier isn’t here. Sure you can place an order. Here, let me transfer you to that department! ''[hangs up]''

=== ''Some Assembly Required'' [10.19] ===
:'''Frasier:''' In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad. It caught fire.

=== ''Farewell, Nervosa'' [10.20] ===
:'''Martin:''' Hey Fras', how was your trip to the accountant?
:'''Frasier:''' Fine, er, fine... why are all these lights on?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Evelyn takes a phone call from her children’s nanny, then hangs up.]''
:'''Evelyn:''' Sorry about that. Susie got stuck in the [[w:Chute (gravity)|laundry chute]] again.
:'''Daphne:''' Aww, poor thing. How old is she?
:'''Evelyn:''' What's the difference? After tomorrow, she’s not our nanny any more.

=== ''The Devil and Dr. Phil'' [10.21] ===
:''Frasier has confided in Niles of how Bebe is trying to lure him back''
:'''Niles:''' I think I’ve figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakeable thirst…
:'''Frasier & Niles:''' ''[unison]'' …for Crane.

=== ''Fathers and Sons'' [10.22] ===
:''[Niles and Daphne are discussing names for a baby]''
:'''Niles:''' How about Desmond?
:'''Daphne:''' Hmm. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?
:'''Niles:''' 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name, so you either end up running them together — Jackrane — or you face the dreaded [[w:glottal stop|glottal stop]]. Jack—Crane. Jack—Crane. It's unpleasant for the throat.
:'''Daphne:''' This conversation’s unpleasant for the throat.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier, Niles, and Leland are singing the Major-General's song. Martin tries to fit in.]''
:'''Leland:''' About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
:'''All:''' With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse—
:'''Martin:''' With many awful facts about the scary [[w:hippopotamus|hippopotamus]]!

=== ''Analyzed Kiss'' [10.23] ===
:''Frasier joins Daphne in a very busy Nervosa''
:'''Frasier''': I've never seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?
:'''Daphne''': It's Mum's day off. Apparently, there was a mass e-mail.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has gone to the shooting range with Niles''
:'''Frasier''': He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that, when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of...''(pause for effect)'' Niles's calibre. ''(chuckles to himself)'' I'm in rare form today.
:'''Daphne''': ''(smiles, unamused)'' You should see this place when they know ''you're'' not coming.

=== ''A New Position for Roz'' [10.24] ===
:''[Worn out by Alice's energetic games, Niles and Daphne place her in front of the TV.]''
:'''Niles:''' Should we really be popping her in front of the tube?
:'''Daphne:''' It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more ''Jung for Youngsters''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is talking about one of his favourite films, Noch einen Stuhl.]''
:'''Frasier:''' It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside [[w:armchair|armchair]].
:'''Roz:''' I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gil Chesterton is toasting Roz at her going-away party thrown by her KACL coworkers.]''
:'''Gil:''' Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A wonderful coworker, and a good friend.
:'''All:''' ''[Sounds of concurrence and chants of ''Hear, hear!'']''
:'''Gil:''' Of course I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. ''[with obvious fervor]'' She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm, away! ''[Gil downs his glass of wine in one long swig.]

==Season 11==
===''No Sex Please, We're Skittish'' [11.01]===
:''Frasier and Roz recall the occasion when they slept together two years previously''
:'''Frasier:''' I seem to recall hearing the term “[[w:stallion|stallion]]-like”
:'''Roz:''' I never said that
:'''Frasier:''' Well, one of us did!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne and Niles have just read the [[w:pregnancy test|pregnancy test]]''
:'''Niles:''' But my slow [[w:sperm|sperm]]...
:'''Daphne:''' I must have fast [[w:ovum|eggs]]!

===''A Man, A Plan, A Gal: Julia'' [11.02]===
:''Niles has observed Frasier's unfortunate dating pattern''
:'''Frasier:''' I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles is encouraging Frasier to commit to commitment. Despite the glib expression, he is inspired''
:'''Frasier:''' I am going to call Julia, and I will ''not'' take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!
:'''Niles:''' ''[grinning]'' You said Flasier.
:'''Frasier:''' I did not!

===''[[w:The Doctor Is Out|The Doctor Is Out]]'' [11.03]===
:''Alistair Burke has just appeared in Café Nervosa''
:'''Frasier''': He is only the ''head'' of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!
:'''Niles:''' His productions are brilliant! He staged a [[w:Philip Glass|Philip Glass]] opera last year and no one left.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!

=== ''The Babysitter [11.04]'' ===
''Frasier finds Ronee in the middle of her musical entertainment at the Wellington''
:'''Ronee''': I'm gonna take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Both Martin and Frasier are trying to humiliate each other in a bid for Ronee's attention''
:'''Frasier''': Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. ''[to Ronee]'' You know, at his age, one slip and it's the [[w:Intensive care unit|ICU]] and then it's I-see-ya later.
:'''Martin''': Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. ''[everyone laughs]'' Of course, that was just last Christmas.

=== ''The Placeholder [11.05]'' ===
:''Frasier does not appreciate being set up by Roz''
:'''Frasier''': I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
:'''Roz''': Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr [[w:Mothball|Mothball]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is just about to part company with Ann''
:'''Ann''': Well, here we are. The awkward part.
:'''Frasier''': Oh, it's not awkward at all. I’d be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. ''(hands over money and runs)''

=== ''[[w:Maris Returns|Maris Returns]]'' [11.07] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can’t tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
:''[He says this first to the [[w:temporary work|temp]] [[w:receptionist|receptionist]], then to four successive patients who all disappear within minutes]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles is having a [[w:panic attack|panic attack]] in the kitchen during the baby shower]''
:'''Martin:''' Calm down, Niles.
:'''Niles:''' I can’t! I’m telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!
:'''Martin:''' Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It’s called marriage!

=== ''[[w:Murder Most Maris|Murder Most Maris]]'' [11.08] ===
:''Niles has had a nervous breakdown and stripped naked in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]]''
:'''Waiter:''' I’m calling the cops!
:'''Roz:''' The hell you are! This man’s tips alone have probably paid for all the [[w:cannabis (drug)|pot]] you’ll ever smoke!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': It's as if you'd forgotten that not ''three days ago'' I was... punched in the face...by a man now dead.
:''He says this, changing time intervals to suit the moment, throughout the episode. Each time, everyone falls reverently silent.''
:'''Frasier''': Thank you!

=== ''Guns N' Neuroses'' [11.09] ===
:'''Frasier''': I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.
:'''Daphne''': An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.
:''Frasier checks his messages''
:'''Voice on the answering machine''': Hello, it's Lilith.
:'''Frasier, Martin and Daphne''': ''[with sudden realization]'' Oh, well.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier’s doorbell rings in his absence. Lilith is expected''
:'''Niles''': Shouldn’t you get the door?
:'''Martin''': You’re closer.
:'''Niles''': I don’t live here.
:'''Martin''': Doesn’t matter. You’re family.
:'''Niles''': So’s Daph…
:'''Daphne''': ''[interrupts]'' Oh no, you don’t!
:'''Lilith''': ''[from outside]'' Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.

=== ''Seabea Jeebies'' [11.10] ===
:''Roz arrives at the awards ceremony with her insufferably smug sister''
:'''Denise''': Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.
:'''Roz''': ''(to a waiter)'' Two [[w:Bloody Mary (cocktail)|Bloody Mary]]s, please. And there's a 20 in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.

=== ''[[w:High Holidays (Frasier)|High Holidays]]'' [11.11] ===
:''[Frasier has just seen Frederick’s goth girlfriend, and is reeling from the shock]''
:'''Niles:''' Well, at least he’s not dating outside the faith.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles has just announced his rebellious plans to Frasier]''
:'''Frasier:''' What?!
:'''Niles:''' I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I’ll have a nurse on [[w:abbreviated dialing|speed-dial]] in case things get too hairy.

=== ''[[w:Frasier-Lite|Frasier-Lite]]'' [11.12] ===
:''A caller on Frasier’s radio show has suddenly become involved in a domestic argument''
:'''Morrie’s daughter:''' I’m running away from home!
:'''Morrie:''' Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You’re not going anywhere!
:'''Frasier:''' ''[calmly]'' And neither is this conversation. ''[cuts them off]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier steps onto the scales at the weigh-in on television''
:'''Presenter:''' Ouch! 1[[w:pound (mass)|lb]] heavier, Fras’!
:'''Frasier:''' That can’t be! I’ve added a [[w:salad|salad]] to every meal!

=== ''The Ann Who Came to Dinner'' [11.13] ===
:'''Martin:''' I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God! Which [[w:sponge (tool)|sponge]]?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne has a surprising reaction to the painting of Niles''
:'''Daphne''': ''(smiling)'' That’s what our son would look like if I were a goat.

=== ''Freudian Sleep'' [11.14] ===
:''Niles arrives at Frasier’s place. He has had a very bad day''
:'''Niles:''' I need a [[w:sherry|sherry]].
:'''Frasier:''' Brace yourself!
:'''Niles:''' ''[sees the empty bottle]'' You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin takes charge''
:'''Martin:''' ''[to Daphne]'' You’re gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. ''[to Frasier]'' You’re afraid you’re gonna end up alone? You’ll still have your family. ''[to Niles]'' You’re afraid you’re gonna be a bad father? Join the club! ''[to all three]'' Now just clam up and go to bed!

=== ''Caught in the Act'' [11.15] ===
''Frasier covers Alice's ears during his conversation with Roz''
:'''Frasier''': If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of [[w:Eros|Eros]].
:'''Roz''': Next time you say something like that, cover ''my'' ears.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Nanette is in Frasier's house and she tries to explain her disdain for carrying on her role as Nanny G''
:'''Nanette''': Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?!

=== ''Boo!'' [11.16] ===
:''[Niles is appalled when he learns the reason for his father’s heart attack.]''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.
:'''Frasier:''' That’s [[w:cosmetics|make-up]], you idiot!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier and Niles discuss the possibility of a future without Martin''
:'''Frasier:''' Now, I can’t imagine life without him.
:'''Niles:''' It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn’t here anymore.
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, I’d get rid of that chair immediately.

=== ''Coots and Ladders'' [11.17] ===
:''Niles does not want to get involved in undoing Frasier’s criminal activity''
:'''Frasier:''' Fine, I’ll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. ''(hands Niles the stolen item)''
:'''Niles:''' What for?
:'''Frasier:''' ''[grabs it back]'' Now your [[w:fingerprint|prints]] are on it too, you ''have'' to help me!
:'''Niles:''' Fiend!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier claims that Niles is afraid of spiders…then also that he is afraid of heights…then also of crowds''
:'''Frasier:''' You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the [[w:arachnophobia|arachno]]-[[w:acrophobia|acro]]-[[w:agoraphobia|agoraphobe]]!

=== ''Match Game'' [11.18] ===
:''[Daphne’s [[w:doula|doula]] insists on a drug-free childbirth, and Roz, as a mother, can hardly believe her ears.]''
:'''Harvest:''' A [[w:natural childbirth|natural childbirth]] needn’t be painful.
:'''Roz:''' It needn’t be, but it be!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne changes her mind about the natural birth after seeing a video of one.]''
:'''Daphne:''' I’m having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!

=== ''Miss Right Now'' [11.19] ===
:''Niles has discovered fast food. Frasier remains unconvinced''
:'''Daphne:''' I guess he's got the fast food bug.
:'''Frasier:''' And which one would that be? [[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]?

=== ''And Frasier Makes Three'' [11.20] ===
:''Frasier explains his strategy for winning Charlotte over''
:'''Frasier:''' I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.
:'''Niles:''' Ah, so you’re going to be ''not'' rugged and ''not'' handsome. Interesting.
:'''Frasier:''' No…
:'''Niles:''' You could also be not passionate and not committed.
:'''Frasier:''' Very funny.
:'''Niles:''' Maybe she’d like you if you were not interesting and not informed…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Charlotte has just told Frasier that she no longer remembers what she and Frank were fighting about.]''
:'''Frasier:''' ''[to Niles]'' You know what that means, don’t you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
:'''Niles:''' I’ve just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

=== ''Detour'' [11.21] ===
''Frasier offers to drive Charlotte to the station''
:'''Frasier:''' I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye. A fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.
:'''Charlotte:''' With a romantic dip.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.
:'''Charlotte:''' ''(leans back)'' Dip. Dip.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I had a great time with you today. With somebody else, it would’ve been a disaster.
:'''Charlotte:''' With somebody else, I would’ve been in Portland.

=== ''Crock Tales'' [11.22] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
:'''Niles:''' Ooh, a lady friend?
:'''Frasier:''' ''[sarcastic]'' No, we’re going to form a [[w:jazz trio|jazz trio]], Niles.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles is drowning his sorrows after separating from Maris]''
:'''Roz:''' Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.
:'''Niles:''' I’m right behind her!

=== ''Goodnight, Seattle'' [11.23-24] ===
:''Charlotte is cooking dinner with Frasier''
:'''Charlotte:''' We’re such a [[w:cliché|cliché]]: the little woman at the stove, the big rugged man with his brawny arm…
:'''Frasier:''' ''[interrupts]'' Oh, the [[w:hollandaise sauce|hollandaise]] is breaking!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After spending time with Daphne’s brothers, Niles is worried about his child''
:'''Niles:''' The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
:'''Frasier:''' Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane [[w:gene|genes]] are in there, too.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!

<hr width=:50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': ''[Last lines on his KACL talk show]'' For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Flight Attendant''': “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago...”
:'''Frasier''':''[Last Lines, to Anne]'' Wish me luck. ''[Fades to black]''

==Memorable Title Cards==
*'''IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT''' ''(screen fades to black, then)'' '''NO, REALLY''' ''(A Mid-Winter Night's Dream)''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Kelsey Grammer|Kelsey Grammer]] - Dr. Frasier Crane
* [[w:David Hyde Pierce|David Hyde Pierce]] - Dr. Niles Crane
* [[w:John Mahoney|John Mahoney]] - Martin Crane
* [[w:Jane Leeves|Jane Leeves]] - Daphne Moon
* [[w:Peri Gilpin|Peri Gilpin]] - Roz Doyle
* [[w: Dan Butler|Dan Butler]] - Bulldog

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0106004|title=Frasier}}
*[http://www.frasieronline.co.uk/ Frasier Online]
*[http://www.nbc.com/frasier/ NBC site]

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television spin-offs]]

One Foot In The Grave

2014-11-13T01:31:52Z

YKWSG: /* Christmas Special: The Man in the Long Black Coat (1991) */

{{wikipedia}}
'''''[[w:One Foot In The Grave|One Foot In The Grave]]''''' was a BBC television situation comedy series written by David Renwick, which aired from 1990 to 2000.

==Series 1 (1990)==
===''Alive and Buried''===
:'''Victor''': It was Bovril flavour today.
:'''Margaret''': What?'''
:'''Victor''': The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': I'm thinking of compiling a special reference guide: ''The Observer's Book Of Crap On Your Front Lawn.'' Give me something to do in the years ahead.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''' Margaret''': ''[On Victor being made redundant]'' What did they say?
:'''Victor''': "Bugger off", I think was the general gist of it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Garage Manager''': Good afternoon. You're...
:'''Victor''': Victor Meldrew the Crimson Avenger!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Garage Manager''': Could you tell me what exactly was the problem with the car?
:'''Victor''': What? You mean you don't know what's wrong with it yet?
:'''Garage Manager''': Well, we know what's wrong with it ''now''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Margaret''': You've got a whole new life ahead of you Victor. I mean, you've hardly started. Got it all still to come.
:'''Victor''': I know. That's what scares me.

==Series 2 (1990)==
===''In Luton Airport, No One Can Hear You Scream''===
:'''Nick Swainey''': ''(cheerfully)'' Remember me? Nick Swainey, Outwardbound for the Elderly. I called round that day and you told me to piss off.

===''Christmas Special: The Man in the Long Black Coat'' (1991)===
:''[Discussing Victor and Patrick's feud]''
:'''Pippa''': I don't know what to do about him and Victor. I mean, it's one thing to call someone a "tosspot" to their face, but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a [[w:Thornton's|Thornton's]] Easter egg, I think it's got beyond a joke. I mean, he did put a card in the post as well. No name or address on the envelope, just the word's "To that cretin in the cap." I suppose it helped him let off steam at the time.
:'''Margaret''': Yes. The irony is, we received it. About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about Victor's diet]''
:'''Pippa''': What sort of things does he eat?
:'''Margaret''': ''[disgustedly]'' Anything, of any sort or description. In the most ''hideous'' and ''disgusting'' of combinations. Food you wouldn't put in the same ''cupboard'', he'd happily slice up together on his weetabix. It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letter box. I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.
:'''Pippa''': Stomach like a bin liner? ''[Margaret murmers in agreement]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about Pippa's pregnancy]''
:'''Margaret''': You must be thrilled, congratulations.
:'''Pippa''': ''[Sombrely]'' Well, I'm not sure "thrilled" is the word. Wasn't exactly planned. I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, but when you look round at the state of things, I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy. And you never know what you're bringing into the world. I mean, look at the people who started out as babies... [[w:Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]... [[w:Hawley Harvey Crippen|Dr. Crippen]]...

==Series 3 (1992)==
===''Dreamland''===
''Victor returns from Sainsbury's in a bad mood and interrupts Margaret's coffee morning''
:'''Victor''': Unbelievable! Absolu-...oh, good morning, ladies. ''(to Margaret)'' Can you believe that? They've lost the left shoe! Lost it! And do you know what he had the nerve to...? He said he'd only charge me half price!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs Warboys''': Evening, Mr Meldrew. I can't stay long...
:'''Victor''': Right you are. Bye! ''(slams the door)''

===''The Beast in the Cage''===
:'''Victor''': The first 50 miles on the go all the way - your sense of direction - bowling along. Get past 60 and everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realise you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. You can't turn the clock back; it's one-way traffic just gradually grinding to a halt.
<hr width="50%"/>
''[The Honda Song, to the tune of [[w:Cwm Rhondda|Bread Of Heaven]]]''

:There's a bloke we can't stand any longer,
:Always on the bleeding moan;
:Every time we mend his bloody Honda,
:He's back grousing on the phone.

:First we fixed his car's ignition,
:Checked his breaks and clutch, and then
:Overhauled his whole transmission.
:He just brought it back again.

:Victor Meldrew
:Victor Meldrew
:He can stick up his bum (up his bum)
:He can bugger off to kingdom come.

===''Beware the Trickster on the Roof''===
''[After burgling Victor's house, the thieves have phoned to ask how to operate the VCR]''
:'''Victor''': ''[shouting from an open window, wielding a metal coat hanger]'' You callous cold-hearted thieving bastards! Help you with a couple of points?! I'll help you straight onto this point when I see you! I'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat, you see if I don't!

===''The Worst Horror of All''===
:'''Man''': Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do. Do you understand what I'm saying?
:'''Victor''': ''[with poorly concealed menace]'' Yes. Right. I do understand what you're saying, and I'm very sorry.
:'''Man''': ''[contemptuously]'' I should think so.
:'''Victor''': ''[louder]'' Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain! ''(does so)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': I'm sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle. That must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power. ''[to the woman]'' Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out. Because if you hadn't chopped its legs off, it could have climbed out on its own. ''[to the man]'' You asked me if I wanted to go on working here. Well if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!

==Series 4 (1993)==
===''Descent into the Maelstrom''===
''Mrs Warboys has returned from the dry cleaner, with a gorilla costume''
:'''Victor''': You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out!
:'''Mrs Warboys''': Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
:'''Victor''': Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A!

===''Hearts of Darkness''===
:'''Nick Swainey''': Wakey, wakey, everyone! It's a beautiful morning! I've just been watching two frogs having sex!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': I'm sorry, what language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks!

===''Warm Champagne''===
:'''Victor''': And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals!

''Margaret comes home to find Victor in bed with a strange old woman''
:'''Margaret''': Who is ''she''?! Have you, have you been-?! Tell me you haven't been sleeping with ''this''! Who is ''she''?!
:'''Victor''': ''[confused, stammering for an explanation]'' I, I thought it was you! ''[Margaret's expression becomes one of offended outrage]''
:'''Margaret''': ''[offended] Thank you very much!'' I mean, where did she come from?! And what on earth is she doing? AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL AM I WHISPERING?! This is my bedroom! I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?! To come home, and find your husband has taken up necrophilia!

===''The Trial''===
:'''Victor''': WHAT IN THE NAME OF BLOODY HELL?! I ''do not'' believe it! In the name of sanity! I do- well, that's it! That's just about the absolute limit of all bloody time! ''[Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number]'' I mean, what was he- HELLO! I'd like to speak to the manager please, and be quick about it! Meldrew. No, he doesn't but he will shortly! Hello, is that Mr. P.T. Sturgeon? Yes, well it's about a large yucca plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning. Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name, it may have been [[w:Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em|Frank Spencer]]! Well I'll tell you exactly what the problem is, Mr. Sturgeon! I was out the back, working in the garden when he arrived, so I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done?! He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually ''in'' the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind! A mistake anyone could have made?! Are you stark- I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': What in the name of bloody hell...?! I ''do not'' believe it! ''[Victor pulls a toupee out of the bread loaf, then reads the label]'' "J.L. Dinkins, Hairpieces of Distinction"?! Well, that just about takes the biscuit! I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough?! I mean, he must have realised it had come off, ''for God's sake''! Well, this is just about it, this is the absolute limit of all bloody time! ''[Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number]'' I mean, what am I going to find next?! A false arm in the French stick?! Glass eye staring up at me out of the coconut meringues?! ''[Victor briefly tries on the hairpiece]'' Absolutely bloody hideous! It'd be much more sensible wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head! How anyone could be so-Hello! Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager please and quick about it! Meldrew. NO HE DOESN'T BUT HE BLOODY WELL WILL SHORTLY!

===''Secret of the Seven Sorcerers''===
''Patrick is dreading going for dinner at the Meldrews' house''
:'''Patrick''': I would ring up and cancel, but I suppose it's be a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight. I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time. Stingray up the rectum? Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin.
:'''Pippa''': Can you see an old dirty floorcloth by the door?
:'''Patrick''': Uhm...yup.
:'''Pippa''': Well, would you mind SHOVING IT in your bloody mouth?!

==Series 5 (1994-5)==
===''The Man Who Blew Away''===
''An injurious Christmas cracker joke''
:'''Victor''': "Question: What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes? Answer: They're both useless tossers!!" Well, that's incorrect. That's not the difference; that's what we have in common!

===''Hole in the Sky''===
:'''Margaret''': Better get ready for bed. If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts.

==Series 6 (2000)==
===''The Dawn of Man''===
[Both on separate phones:]
:'''Patrick:''' Frankly Mr Skinthorpe, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. The fact is that the Open Sesame Garage door which you installed last week has just jammed for the third time, and as BMW rather short sightedly failed to include a limbo dancing option on the new 300 series, I am keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.
:'''Nigel:''' Yes, I'll tell you precisely what's 'chafing my hide' this morning, Mr Gorrindge. It concerns a majestic 2000 millenium globe which I foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with ''two'' Northen Hemispheres.
:'''Patrick:'''If by 'one of our top service engineers' you are referring to that child with the head-full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on a ladder, presumably in an attempt to get his tesicles to drop, I was not impressed Mr Skinthorpe.
:'''Nigel:''' Unfortunately not, Mr Gorrindge and whilst a world with two Europes and no Australia may have certain cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite fall in with the theory of continental drift.
:'''Patrick:''' Well I can't say with any certainty, Mr Skinthorpe, whether it was Rick or Dave. Although he very sensibly had a ring fitted through his nose like a cow, I'm afraid the name tag seemed to have fallen off. Really? Well how fine and dandy for him.
:'''Nigel:''' Well it depends what you mean by "very noticeable" Mr Gorrindge. Had my brother been horribly blinded by some hideous accident then all our troubles would be over.
:'''Patrick:''' Well please offer him my profound congratulations, Mr Skinthorpe, and tell him to get his arse round here now and finish the job.
:'''Nigel:''' I shall expect a proper replacement in 24 hrs or heads and hemispheres will roll

==Victor Meldrew==

* ''[coming in with chocolate wrappers]'' ''Seven'' chocolate wrappers today. Makes you wander why the bother about funerals anymore. ''[Imitating punters]'' "Grandma's dead, should we bury her? No, I can't be bothered. Just sling her over that bloke's fence. He'll clean it up."

*I don't believe it!/I do not Believe it!

* ''[Talking about [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1992|1992 General Election]] result]'' I couldn't believe that last election result. It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor. ''[imitating parent]'' "Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time, but I still think it deserves another chance."

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Meldrew Victor Meldrew], from the episode The Beast In The Cage.

*Huh just typical... have you read this? A man in South London was arrested the other day when a dead body was found in the boot of his car. Though interestingly this somehow was overlooked when the car went in for its MOT the day before!

*I mean we were just asking for trouble weren't we? Leaving Mrs Warboys to hold the fort when this arrived (points at massive 50' telly) [imitating Mrs Warboys) It's a whopper isn't it Mr Meldrew.

*Well that just about takes the bloody biscuit. You know that young bloke from down the road and his girlfriend? They were only having sex on the back seat of our car. I forgot to close the sunroof properly. Carrying on bold as you like. They didn't even stop when I opened the door, stark naked the pair of them and he had the cheek to tell ME to go and PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!! Said I was letting the whole tone of the area down.

*[In traffic jam. Mobile phone rings:] Hello? What? No we CAN'T bloody well move any further forward. I couldn't give a bugger if you are. 5 yards my foot it's 4 at the most and where's that going to get you anyway? Well you can bloody well LUMP IT THEN CAN'T YOU!?. (Horn honks) And you.

*[In traffic jam.] Yes I've always said that for a really super Bank Holiday treat you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's BOTTOM! [Camera reveals horsebox in front.][[Category:Sitcoms]]

One Foot In The Grave

2014-11-13T01:31:06Z

YKWSG: /* Alive and Buried */ Some tidying up

{{wikipedia}}
'''''[[w:One Foot In The Grave|One Foot In The Grave]]''''' was a BBC television situation comedy series written by David Renwick, which aired from 1990 to 2000.

==Series 1 (1990)==
===''Alive and Buried''===
:'''Victor''': It was Bovril flavour today.
:'''Margaret''': What?'''
:'''Victor''': The empty crisp packet on the front lawn.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': I'm thinking of compiling a special reference guide: ''The Observer's Book Of Crap On Your Front Lawn.'' Give me something to do in the years ahead.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''' Margaret''': ''[On Victor being made redundant]'' What did they say?
:'''Victor''': "Bugger off", I think was the general gist of it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Garage Manager''': Good afternoon. You're...
:'''Victor''': Victor Meldrew the Crimson Avenger!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Garage Manager''': Could you tell me what exactly was the problem with the car?
:'''Victor''': What? You mean you don't know what's wrong with it yet?
:'''Garage Manager''': Well, we know what's wrong with it ''now''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Margaret''': You've got a whole new life ahead of you Victor. I mean, you've hardly started. Got it all still to come.
:'''Victor''': I know. That's what scares me.

==Series 2 (1990)==
===''In Luton Airport, No One Can Hear You Scream''===
:'''Nick Swainey''': ''(cheerfully)'' Remember me? Nick Swainey, Outwardbound for the Elderly. I called round that day and you told me to piss off.

===''Christmas Special: The Man in the Long Black Coat'' (1991)===
:''[Discussing Victor and Patrick's feud]''
:'''Pippa''': I don't know what to do about him and Victor. I mean, it's one thing to call someone a "tosspot" to their face, but when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a [[w:Thornton's|Thornton's]] easter egg, I think it's got beyond a joke. I mean, he did put a card in the post as well. No name or address on the envelope, just the word's "To that cretin in the cap." I suppose it helped him let off steam at the time.
:'''Margaret''': Yes. The irony is, we received it. About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about Victor's diet]''
:'''Pippa''': What sort of things does he eat?
:'''Margaret''': ''[disgustedly]'' Anything, of any sort or description. In the most ''hideous'' and ''disgusting'' of combinations. Food you wouldn't put in the same ''cupboard'', he'd happily slice up together on his weetabix. It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letter box. I think he lost all sense of taste years ago.
:'''Pippa''': Stomach like a bin liner? ''[Margaret murmers in agreement]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about Pippa's pregnancy]''
:'''Margaret''': You must be thrilled, congratulations.
:'''Pippa''': ''[Sombrely]'' Well, I'm not sure "thrilled" is the word. Wasn't exactly planned. I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal, but when you look round at the state of things, I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy. And you never know what you're bringing into the world. I mean, look at the people who started out as babies... [[w:Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]... [[w:Hawley Harvey Crippen|Dr. Crippen]]...

==Series 3 (1992)==
===''Dreamland''===
''Victor returns from Sainsbury's in a bad mood and interrupts Margaret's coffee morning''
:'''Victor''': Unbelievable! Absolu-...oh, good morning, ladies. ''(to Margaret)'' Can you believe that? They've lost the left shoe! Lost it! And do you know what he had the nerve to...? He said he'd only charge me half price!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs Warboys''': Evening, Mr Meldrew. I can't stay long...
:'''Victor''': Right you are. Bye! ''(slams the door)''

===''The Beast in the Cage''===
:'''Victor''': The first 50 miles on the go all the way - your sense of direction - bowling along. Get past 60 and everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realise you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. You can't turn the clock back; it's one-way traffic just gradually grinding to a halt.
<hr width="50%"/>
''[The Honda Song, to the tune of [[w:Cwm Rhondda|Bread Of Heaven]]]''

:There's a bloke we can't stand any longer,
:Always on the bleeding moan;
:Every time we mend his bloody Honda,
:He's back grousing on the phone.

:First we fixed his car's ignition,
:Checked his breaks and clutch, and then
:Overhauled his whole transmission.
:He just brought it back again.

:Victor Meldrew
:Victor Meldrew
:He can stick up his bum (up his bum)
:He can bugger off to kingdom come.

===''Beware the Trickster on the Roof''===
''[After burgling Victor's house, the thieves have phoned to ask how to operate the VCR]''
:'''Victor''': ''[shouting from an open window, wielding a metal coat hanger]'' You callous cold-hearted thieving bastards! Help you with a couple of points?! I'll help you straight onto this point when I see you! I'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat, you see if I don't!

===''The Worst Horror of All''===
:'''Man''': Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do. Do you understand what I'm saying?
:'''Victor''': ''[with poorly concealed menace]'' Yes. Right. I do understand what you're saying, and I'm very sorry.
:'''Man''': ''[contemptuously]'' I should think so.
:'''Victor''': ''[louder]'' Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain! ''(does so)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': I'm sorry neither of you have managed to master the mechanics of a door handle. That must be very complicated for you with your limited brain power. ''[to the woman]'' Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out. Because if you hadn't chopped its legs off, it could have climbed out on its own. ''[to the man]'' You asked me if I wanted to go on working here. Well if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!

==Series 4 (1993)==
===''Descent into the Maelstrom''===
''Mrs Warboys has returned from the dry cleaner, with a gorilla costume''
:'''Victor''': You must have seen it as a mistake when they brought it out!
:'''Mrs Warboys''': Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
:'''Victor''': Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this! I mean where do you think I shop? King Kong at C&A!

===''Hearts of Darkness''===
:'''Nick Swainey''': Wakey, wakey, everyone! It's a beautiful morning! I've just been watching two frogs having sex!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': I'm sorry, what language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks!

===''Warm Champagne''===
:'''Victor''': And you, you smug-faced bloody vandals!

''Margaret comes home to find Victor in bed with a strange old woman''
:'''Margaret''': Who is ''she''?! Have you, have you been-?! Tell me you haven't been sleeping with ''this''! Who is ''she''?!
:'''Victor''': ''[confused, stammering for an explanation]'' I, I thought it was you! ''[Margaret's expression becomes one of offended outrage]''
:'''Margaret''': ''[offended] Thank you very much!'' I mean, where did she come from?! And what on earth is she doing? AND WHY THE BLOODY HELL AM I WHISPERING?! This is my bedroom! I mean, this is the end to a perfect week, isn't it?! To come home, and find your husband has taken up necrophilia!

===''The Trial''===
:'''Victor''': WHAT IN THE NAME OF BLOODY HELL?! I ''do not'' believe it! In the name of sanity! I do- well, that's it! That's just about the absolute limit of all bloody time! ''[Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number]'' I mean, what was he- HELLO! I'd like to speak to the manager please, and be quick about it! Meldrew. No, he doesn't but he will shortly! Hello, is that Mr. P.T. Sturgeon? Yes, well it's about a large yucca plant your garden centre delivered to my house this morning. Yes, a young chap, I didn't catch his name, it may have been [[w:Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em|Frank Spencer]]! Well I'll tell you exactly what the problem is, Mr. Sturgeon! I was out the back, working in the garden when he arrived, so I asked him if, for the time being, he'd put it in the downstairs toilet for me, and you know what he's done?! He's only planted it in the pan! Yes, actually ''in'' the lavatory pan, with compost and everything! I mean, how anyone can be so utterly goofy just boggles the mind! A mistake anyone could have made?! Are you stark- I mean, what am I supposed to do, cock my leg against the trunk like a Yorkshire terrier?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Victor''': What in the name of bloody hell...?! I ''do not'' believe it! ''[Victor pulls a toupee out of the bread loaf, then reads the label]'' "J.L. Dinkins, Hairpieces of Distinction"?! Well, that just about takes the biscuit! I mean, dropping your wig in the bloody baking dough?! I mean, he must have realised it had come off, ''for God's sake''! Well, this is just about it, this is the absolute limit of all bloody time! ''[Victor storms over to the phone and calls a number]'' I mean, what am I going to find next?! A false arm in the French stick?! Glass eye staring up at me out of the coconut meringues?! ''[Victor briefly tries on the hairpiece]'' Absolutely bloody hideous! It'd be much more sensible wearing a loaf of bread on top of your head! How anyone could be so-Hello! Yes, I'd like to speak to the manager please and quick about it! Meldrew. NO HE DOESN'T BUT HE BLOODY WELL WILL SHORTLY!

===''Secret of the Seven Sorcerers''===
''Patrick is dreading going for dinner at the Meldrews' house''
:'''Patrick''': I would ring up and cancel, but I suppose it's be a bit inconsiderate, isn't it, really? Dragging him out of his coffin in broad daylight. I wonder what bizarre aquatic species I can expect in the groin this time. Stingray up the rectum? Perhaps I'll just get off lightly with a couple of barnacles on the foreskin.
:'''Pippa''': Can you see an old dirty floorcloth by the door?
:'''Patrick''': Uhm...yup.
:'''Pippa''': Well, would you mind SHOVING IT in your bloody mouth?!

==Series 5 (1994-5)==
===''The Man Who Blew Away''===
''An injurious Christmas cracker joke''
:'''Victor''': "Question: What's the difference between Victor Meldrew and a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes? Answer: They're both useless tossers!!" Well, that's incorrect. That's not the difference; that's what we have in common!

===''Hole in the Sky''===
:'''Margaret''': Better get ready for bed. If you want me, I'll be in the bathroom sandpapering my breasts.

==Series 6 (2000)==
===''The Dawn of Man''===
[Both on separate phones:]
:'''Patrick:''' Frankly Mr Skinthorpe, what side of bed I got out of this morning is not a matter I consider relevant. The fact is that the Open Sesame Garage door which you installed last week has just jammed for the third time, and as BMW rather short sightedly failed to include a limbo dancing option on the new 300 series, I am keen to learn how you expect me to get the car on the road.
:'''Nigel:''' Yes, I'll tell you precisely what's 'chafing my hide' this morning, Mr Gorrindge. It concerns a majestic 2000 millenium globe which I foolishly ordered from your company for my brother's birthday, which I can't help noticing has arrived with ''two'' Northen Hemispheres.
:'''Patrick:'''If by 'one of our top service engineers' you are referring to that child with the head-full of glue who spent three hours here yesterday wobbling around on a ladder, presumably in an attempt to get his tesicles to drop, I was not impressed Mr Skinthorpe.
:'''Nigel:''' Unfortunately not, Mr Gorrindge and whilst a world with two Europes and no Australia may have certain cultural advantages, I'm afraid it doesn't quite fall in with the theory of continental drift.
:'''Patrick:''' Well I can't say with any certainty, Mr Skinthorpe, whether it was Rick or Dave. Although he very sensibly had a ring fitted through his nose like a cow, I'm afraid the name tag seemed to have fallen off. Really? Well how fine and dandy for him.
:'''Nigel:''' Well it depends what you mean by "very noticeable" Mr Gorrindge. Had my brother been horribly blinded by some hideous accident then all our troubles would be over.
:'''Patrick:''' Well please offer him my profound congratulations, Mr Skinthorpe, and tell him to get his arse round here now and finish the job.
:'''Nigel:''' I shall expect a proper replacement in 24 hrs or heads and hemispheres will roll

==Victor Meldrew==

* ''[coming in with chocolate wrappers]'' ''Seven'' chocolate wrappers today. Makes you wander why the bother about funerals anymore. ''[Imitating punters]'' "Grandma's dead, should we bury her? No, I can't be bothered. Just sling her over that bloke's fence. He'll clean it up."

*I don't believe it!/I do not Believe it!

* ''[Talking about [[w:United Kingdom general election, 1992|1992 General Election]] result]'' I couldn't believe that last election result. It's like hiring a man-eating shark as your children's swimming instructor. ''[imitating parent]'' "Yes, I know it bit my baby's head off last time, but I still think it deserves another chance."

[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victor_Meldrew Victor Meldrew], from the episode The Beast In The Cage.

*Huh just typical... have you read this? A man in South London was arrested the other day when a dead body was found in the boot of his car. Though interestingly this somehow was overlooked when the car went in for its MOT the day before!

*I mean we were just asking for trouble weren't we? Leaving Mrs Warboys to hold the fort when this arrived (points at massive 50' telly) [imitating Mrs Warboys) It's a whopper isn't it Mr Meldrew.

*Well that just about takes the bloody biscuit. You know that young bloke from down the road and his girlfriend? They were only having sex on the back seat of our car. I forgot to close the sunroof properly. Carrying on bold as you like. They didn't even stop when I opened the door, stark naked the pair of them and he had the cheek to tell ME to go and PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!!! Said I was letting the whole tone of the area down.

*[In traffic jam. Mobile phone rings:] Hello? What? No we CAN'T bloody well move any further forward. I couldn't give a bugger if you are. 5 yards my foot it's 4 at the most and where's that going to get you anyway? Well you can bloody well LUMP IT THEN CAN'T YOU!?. (Horn honks) And you.

*[In traffic jam.] Yes I've always said that for a really super Bank Holiday treat you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's BOTTOM! [Camera reveals horsebox in front.][[Category:Sitcoms]]

Keeping Up Appearances

2014-10-31T00:35:32Z

YKWSG: /* How to Go on Holiday without Really Trying */

'''''[[w:Keeping Up Appearances|Keeping Up Appearances]]''''' (1990-1995) is a BBC sitcom created and written by [[w:Roy Clarke|Roy Clarke]], and starring [[w:Patricia Routledge|Patricia Routledge]] as Hyacinth Bucket.

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''Daddy's Accident'' ===
:'''Onslow:''' Oh, nice!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Elizabeth:''' I thought it was 3:25.
:'''Hyacinth:''' Not quite, dear.
:'''Elizabeth:''' My watch says 3:25.
:'''Hyacinth:''' Oh, that watch. Yes, I expect it would.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' This is not the Chinese takeaway. This is a private, slimline, white telephone with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade. Especially not one of foreign extraction!

=== ''The New Vicar'' ===
:'''Hyacinth:''' Rose, you will not commit suicide! I forbid it.

=== ''Stately Home'' ===
''Hyacinth is startled into the hedge by the barking dog''
:'''Onslow:''' Less noise, you daft bitch! That goes for you as well, dog!

=== ''The Charity Shop'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': Sheridan deserves a father full of executive stress, wearing a bow-tie.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': She's a real organiser, our Hyacinth.
:'''Onslow''': She's a real...
:'''Daisy''': ''(interrupts quickly)'' Onslow!

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''A Strange Man'' ===
:'''Milkman:''' Good morning, Mrs. Bucket.
:'''Hyacinth:''' It's Bouquet.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' It's a matter of complete indifference to me whether it's sterilised, pasteurised, immunised or privatised.

=== ''Driving Mrs Fortescue'' ===
:'''Hyacinth:''' I hope you're not going to spoil things with lower-middle class humour.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Hyacinth is talking on the phone with her sister Violet''
:'''Hyacinth:''' What's wrong with your husband, dear?
:'''Hyacinth:''' Whims and fancies. [chuckles]
:'''Hyacinth:''' They all have their whims and fancies.
:'''Hyacinth:''' In what way is Bruce going strange?
:'''Hyacinth:''' [laughs] Well, I'm sorry, Violet, but I thought for a moment there that you said he wanted you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian. [chuckles]
:'''Hyacinth:''' Oh, he does want you both to dress up as Robin Hood and Maid Marian.
:'''Hyacinth:''' What do you mean I haven't heard the worst part?
:'''Hyacinth:''' He wants to be Maid Marian.

=== ''The Candlelight Supper'' ===
:'''Emmet''': She'll sing at me! She always sings at me.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Hyacinth receives a phonecall from Sheridan''
:'''Richard''': What does he want?
:'''Hyacinth''': I don't know that he ''wants'' anything, dear. He's just ringing his Mummy to wish her all the best for...''(to Sheridan)'' You need a cheque for how much, dear?

=== ''Problems with Relatives'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': I once caught Richard playing with a Frisbee. He said it's one he found, but I've never been sure.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth''': I thought I heard a willow warbler! Did you hear a willow warbler? It's one of my absolutely all-time favourite songsters.

=== ''Onslow's Birthday'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': ''(on the phone to Violet)'' Why is Bruce sobbing? ... But is it a large tear in his flamenco frock?

=== ''Singing for Emmet'' ===
''Another customer for the Chinese take-away rings up''
:'''Hyacinth''': Now kindly clear this line! There are people of substance in this community who are probably queueing to ring me at this very moment.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth''': ''(on the phone)'' May I speak to the Vicar, please? Not available? Is he busy? ...Oh, ringing the bells. Rings his own bells? How democratic.

=== ''The Toy Store'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': ''(on the phone to Violet)'' I've got Elizabeth and Emmet here. You remember Elizabeth, from next door. Her husband works abroad somewhere; one of those Arab countries. Yes, you met her at one one of my candlelight suppers. She drops things.

=== ''A Picnic for Daddy'' ===
:'''Vicar:''' Oh damn! It's the Bucket woman!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vicar's wife:''' ''(after spotting Rose)'' Damn, it's the vampire sister!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' How fares the church worldwide then, vicar? For instance, what is the missionary position in China these days?

=== ''Christmas Special: The Father Christmas Suit'' (1991) ===
''Onslow and his family will be coming for Christmas Eve''
:'''Hyacinth:''' They are my family and I love them dearly, especially at this time of year, when it gets dark early.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' If there's one thing that distinguishes us from other people, it's the absence of vulgar noises.
<hr width="50%"/>
''After a phone conversation with Mrs Thorgunby, whom she mistook for a child at first''
:'''Hyacinth:''' What a silly little voice!

==Series 3 (1992)==
=== ''Early Retirement'' ===
''Richard has just locked Hyacinth out of the house by mistake''
:'''Richard''': I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.
:'''Hyacinth''': I will ''not'' have you not thinking in front of the neighbours, Richard!

=== ''Iron Age Remains'' ===
:'''Hyacinth:''' It could be a Neanderthal [[w:Tumulus|barrow]], dear. It says in the guidebook they had barrows. I expect they wheeled rocks about and things!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' If my Sheridan were here, he'd be appalled.

=== ''Violet's Country Cottage'' ===
:'''Emmet:''' What's wrong with you, Liz? Why are you so subdued? Two whole days Hyacinth-free!
:'''Elizabeth:''' Not quite.
:'''Emmet:''' There's something you haven't told me.
:'''Elizabeth:''' Yes.
:'''Emmet:''' Well, go on. Tell me.
:'''Elizabeth:''' Hyacinth wants us to visit them this evening...at the cottage...for a barbecue.
:'''Emmet:''' You didn't say yes!
:'''Elizabeth:''' I didn't say anything! When does one ever say anything? We're just expected! Oh, don't cry, Emmet! I hate it when you cry! Oh!

=== ''How to Go on Holiday without Really Trying'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': If there's one thing I can't stand, it's snobbery and one-upmanship. People trying to pretend they're superior. Makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Rose appears at the church in a frilly skirt, carrying a feather duster''
:'''Hyacinth''': Rose, what are you doing?
:'''Rose''': I've come to help out with the church cleaning for that dishy vicar!

=== ''Richard's New Hobby'' ===
''Sheridan is apparently still wearing his knee bandage, to Hyacinth's relief''
:'''Hyacinth''': ''(on the phone)'' I've always thought you looked like Mummy's brave little soldier. Well, perhaps not soldier, dear. More like Mummy's brave little poet or interior designer.

=== ''The Art Exhibition'' ===
''Daddy has run away to join the [[w:French Foreign Legion|French Foreign Legion]]''
:'''Richard''': Do you know which way he's gone?
:'''Hyacinth''': To France! Go to the roundabout and head for France!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth''': It's a terrible thing to lose one's Daddy just before a cheese and wine.

=== ''What to Wear When Yachting'' ===
:'''Onslow''': Did you bring any beer?
:'''Rose''': No, I didn't.
:'''Onslow''': I'm sitting here, completely surrounded by no beer!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Emmet is not looking forward to visiting Hyacinth on a yacht''
:'''Emmet''': It's chilling. Just imagine: a whole night on board some old bucket, with ''another'' old Bucket!

==Series 4 (1993)==
=== ''A Job for Richard'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': ''(to the postman)'' I hope that's a first-class stamp. I object to having second-class stamps thrust through my letterbox. I should have thought postmen would be trained to recognise first-class stamp houses.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth''': Richard! I've been offered a job at Frosticles!
:'''Richard''': Take it, Hyacinth! Please!
:'''Hyacinth''': I couldn't do that, dear. You'd be so bored at home without me.

=== ''Country Retreat'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': Beautiful day, Elizabeth?
:'''Elizabeth''': Yes, isn't it.
:'''Hyacinth''': Completely conducive to contemplating cosy charismatic country cottages.

=== ''A Celebrity for the Barbecue'' ===
:'''Rose:''' Onslow, Father's on the roof again!
:'''Onslow:''' Ask him if he's got my bottle opener!

=== ''Looking at Properties'' ===
:'''Richard''': What's wrong now?
:'''Hyacinth''': You don't look like someone on business. You look like someone who's gone to fetch a Daddy from a police station.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Richard has dropped Daddy off at Onslow's house. This is one of the few times that Daddy speaks''
:'''Richard''': Bye!
:'''Daddy''': ''(mischievously)'' His car won't start!

=== ''Please Mind Your Head'' ===
:'''Hyacinth:''' Now listen, horse: I'm not a person to be trifled with.

=== ''Let There Be Light'' ===
:'''Daisy:''' Why don't we have a second honeymoon?
:'''Onslow:''' I remember what happened the first time.
:'''Daisy:''' Me too. I remember what happened the first time.
:'''Onslow:''' We argued the all the time.
:'''Daisy:''' Not all the time.
:'''Onslow:''' Nearly all the time. I couldn't get over that confession of yours!
:'''Daisy:''' Well, I thought it was only proper. If we were starting married life, we shouldn't have any secrets.
:'''Onslow:''' But what a time to spring it on a bloke. On his wedding night! I barely got started on all your new underwear and then you told me.
:'''Daisy:''' I thought it was a bit much, you getting straight up and going out for a long walk.
:'''Onslow:''' I had to think about things. I had to decide if I could live with it.
:'''Daisy:''' I can't think what was so bad about it!
:'''Onslow:''' You should have come clean about it before we got married.
:'''Daisy:''' You wouldn't have married me.
:'''Onslow:''' You were lucky I didn't divorce you.
:'''Daisy:''' It's not grounds for divorce.
:'''Onslow:''' Being a Liverpool supporter!

=== ''Christmas Special: Sea Fever'' (1993) ===
:'''Onslow:''' You look up at the sky and you think 'That's nice.' Little do you realise it's full of black holes! They can suck you in. Compress all your matter.
:'''Daisy:''' ''(looking at his stomach)'' It could do with a bit.
:'''Onslow:''' Oh, nice!
:'''Daisy:''' Look, if it's going to upset you, you have to stop watching Open University.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Onslow:''' I wish we could afford a new car.
:'''Daisy:''' I wish we could afford this one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Richard:''' I'll be up there, looking for icebergs and growing a beard.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Richard:''' I believe I could get used to this; going places and not having to drive. ''(to himself)'' Not that I ever ''do'' drive. I just steer and follow instructions.

=== ''Christmas Special: Angel Gabriel Blue'' (1994) ===
''Why ask the Vicar for advice about a kitchen work surface?''
:'''Hyacinth:''' When you have to choose between Angel Gabriel Blue and Lucifer Grey, you need the spiritual advice.
:'''Richard:''' Oh, I see.
:'''Hyacinth:''' I had to have the Vicar's confirmation that this ''is'' Angel Gabriel blue.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy:''' A strange man in the house.
:'''Rose:''' ''(looks at Onslow)'' There's been one here for years.
:'''Daisy:''' What are we going to do?
:'''Onslow:''' Well, I know what I'm gonna do. ''(hits the TV and sits down)''
:'''Daisy:''' Onslow, you can't just sit there watching telly when there's a strange man in Father's bed!
:'''Onslow:''' Throw him out.
:'''Rose:''' You can't! He's got a receipt!

==Series 5 (1995)==
=== ''The Senior Citizens' Outing'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': ''(on the phone to Sheridan)'' Your car needs a respray? Oh, but I thought your friends liked that lilac colour.

=== ''The Mayor's Fancy Dress Ball'' ===
''Richard did not enjoy playing [[w:Mark Antony|Mark Antony]] at the last ball''
:'''Hyacinth''': Oh no dear! I couldn't let you loose as a Roman again!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Hyacinth is dismayed to see that she is not the only guest dressed as [[w:Boudica|Queen Boudica]]''
:'''Hyacinth:''' Home, Richard! I will not share my throne with those impostors!

=== ''A Riverside Picnic'' ===
:'''Hyacinth:''' It's my sister, Violet. She's the one with the Mercedes, sauna and a musical bidet. Classical, of course.

=== ''Skis'' ===
:'''Hyacinth:''' ''(on the phone)'' Look, Rose. If you need somewhere private, bring him here. Then I can keep an eye on you, and Richard can show him his skis!

=== ''Country Estate Sale'' ===
:'''Elizabeth''': You're a grown man!
:'''Emmet''': And she's a groan a minute!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth''': ''(a little tipsy)'' I do hope, your Lordship, that someday you'll give me the pleasure of entertaining you at one of my candle-lie slippers. We shall most deferably be having a glass or two of the dowager Lady Ursula's home-goose wade-berry mine.

=== ''A Barbecue at Violet's'' ===
''Hyacinth is harassing a man in a phone box. Richard decides enough is enough''
:'''Richard''': Hyacinth, stop that at once and GET INTO THE CAR!
:'''Man in phone box''': Well done, sir! In wartime, you'd have got a medal for courage like that.

=== ''The Rolls Royce'' ===
:'''Rose''': Why is Onslow reading the Financial Times?
:'''Onslow''': I like to keep an eye on the economy. A bloke in my position has to wonder how long the country can afford him. If we don't get the economy right, people like me are gonna be in trouble! It's the duty of all of us to be concerned about the shrinking pound.
:'''Daisy''': And when I married him, I thought he was just a sex symbol.

=== ''The Hostess'' ===
:'''Hyacinth''': Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?
<hr width="50%"/>
''While fleeing from a group of men expecting a striptease artist''
:'''Hyacinth''': You have one last task to perform.
:'''Richard''': What's that?
:'''Hyacinth''': To go back into Number 24a.
:'''Richard''': Why, for goodness' sake?
:'''Hyacinth''': To get Daddy out!

=== ''Christmas Special: The Pageant'' (1995) ===
:'''Hyacinth:''' ''(on the phone to Daisy)'' I need volunteers. My other people didn't turn up. Everybody seems to be ill. There's an epidemic doing things to grandmothers you just wouldn't believe!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Hyacinth is leaving the church hall on a stretcher, after being injured by some falling scenery''
:'''Hyacinth:''' ''(to Richard)'' Please make sure Onslow wears a tie at the funeral.
:'''Vicar:''' It was just a bump on the head, Mrs Bucket.
:'''Hyacinth:''' Tell God it's Bouquet!

==Miscellaneous==
:'''Hyacinth:''' The Bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' It's my sister, Violet, the one with the Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' Oh, Richard!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hyacinth:''' I must answer my white, slimline telephone with last number redial, it's bound to be someone important.

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Cabin Pressure

2014-10-04T22:20:25Z

YKWSG: /* Vaduz (4.3) */

'''''[[w:Cabin_Pressure_(radio_series)|Cabin Pressure]]''''' is a radio [[w:situation_comedy|situation comedy]] series written by [[w:John Finnemore (writer)|John Finnemore]]. Its first series was broadcast on [[w:BBC_Radio_4|BBC Radio 4]] in 2008. The show follows the exploits of the oddball crew of Gertie (G-ERTI), the single aeroplane owned by "MJN Air", as they are chartered to take all manner of items, people or animals across the world. The show stars [[w:Stephanie_Cole|Stephanie Cole]], [[w:Roger_Allam|Roger Allam]], [[w:Benedict_Cumberbatch|Benedict Cumberbatch]] and John Finnemore.

== Main Characters ==
* '''Carolyn Knapp-Shappey''' – [[w:Stephanie Cole|Stephanie Cole]]
* '''First Officer Douglas Richardson''' – [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]]
* '''Captain Martin Crieff''' – [[w:Benedict Cumberbatch|Benedict Cumberbatch]]
* '''Arthur Shappey''' – [[w:John Finnemore (writer)|John Finnemore]]

==Series 1==

===''Abu Dhabi'' (1.1)===

: '''Douglas''': Does 'Bob Holness' count in our list of people called Brian? What the hell, yes, he does.
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: '''Carolyn''': I don't have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Arthur''': That amazing moment when twelve tons of metal leaves the earth, and no one knows why.
: '''Carolyn''': Yes, we do.
: '''Arthur''': Yeah, but, you know... not really. I mean, we know you need wings and engines and... a sticky up bit on the end for some reason. But it's not like we actually know why a plane stays in the air.
: '''Carolyn''': No! No, Arthur, we really do. We, we do. We do know that.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Martin''': Where's Carolyn?
: '''Douglas''': Sharpening her teeth.
: '''Arthur''': Brushing.
: '''Douglas''': Brushing her teeth. Yes, sorry.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Arthur''': Why does the air on the top have to keep up the air at the bottom? Why don't they just... split up?
: '''Douglas''': For the sake of the kids?
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Arthur''': Aha, my signature dish. Behold! Surprising Rice.
: '''Douglas''': Good lord!
: '''Martin''': What are those bits?
: '''Arthur''': Ah, you see, Skipper, if you don't mind me saying so, that question is entirely against the spirit of Surprising Rice.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Douglas''': Can you smell smoke in the flight deck, captain?

===''Boston'' (1.2)===
:'''Martin''': Sir, as the commander of this vessel, I must demand –
:'''Mr. Lehman''': Okay, that’s about enough. What are you gonna do, Commander? Have me arrested? No. And I’ll tell you why not. Because your tin pot, little one-airplane outfit needs me and my business about a zillion times more than I need you. You think you can scare me by marching down here in your Fisher Price, when-I-grow-up-I-want-to-be-a-pilot costume? Give me a break! You’re not the commander of anything! You’re a little guy who can’t get a game with the big boys and wears a uniform like a rear admiral’s to make up for the fact that he’s basically just a flying cabbie! Am I right?
:'''Martin''': NO! No! You’re not right! You’re – a very rude man! You can’t speak to me like that. I’m the captain!
:'''Mr. Lehman''': Okay, Captain. You run along now and uh ''[inhales]'' try not to cry into any important equipment.
:'''Martin''': ''[tearfully]'' I’m not crying! Your smoke got in my eyes.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Douglas''': How did it go?
:'''Martin''': Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! Fine! ...Arthur?
:'''Douglas''': Well, anything you say five times is obviously true.
:'''Arthur''': Yes, Skipper?
:'''Martin''': Right, right. Arthur, did you see me inform Mr. Lehman about our non-smoking policy?
:'''Arthur''': Er. Well, I wasn’t – I wasn’t really looking. I mean… I certainly didn’t notice if he made you cry. Or not. I mean, he probably didn’t.
:'''Martin''': I was not crying! His smoke got in my eyes.

===''Cremona'' (1.3)===
:'''Arthur''': The thing is, is it unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes?
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Carolyn''': What's going on in there? You've been on stand for half an hour! I've been waiting for you in the portacabin!
: '''Douglas''': Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there.
: '''Carolyn''': But you didn't come in!
: '''Douglas''': No, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there.

===''Douz'' (1.4)===
: '''Douglas''': 2 thousands landings, precisely.
: '''Arthur''': Wow. And how many takeoffs?
: '''Douglas''': Oooh, nothing like as many.
: '''Arthur''': Why?
: '''Martin''': Because of course takeoffs are cancelled all the time. Landings almost never.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': Why are you taking our pictures?
: '''Arthur''': Mum's reprinting our company brochure, and she said I could have a go at taking the picture of the cover.
: '''Douglas''': Oh dear, does that mean we're losing the current one?
: '''Martin''': The one with Carolyn strangling a customer?
: '''Douglas''': I always thought that summed up MJN Air rather well.
: '''Arthur''': She's adjusting his pillow! . . . But yeah, it does look a bit strangle-y.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Martin''': Do they drive on the left or the right in Tunisia?
: '''Douglas''': I think when they're driving on an empty highway through the desert in an aeroplane, they probably drive pretty much wherever the hell they like.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': Two miles to go, Martin.
: '''Martin''': Thank you, Douglas.
: '''Douglas''': Do you want me to drive for a bit, darling?
: '''Martin''': No thanks, dear. You know I get carsick in the passenger seat.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': So, Arthur. In your quest to find the one image which perfectly sums up MJN Air and everything it stands for, you've elected for a shot of twelve Scottish cricketers in the Sahara Desert wearing swimsuits and carrying a fire engine.
: '''Arthur''': Yes.
: '''Douglas''': Hmm. The awful thing is, I sort of know what you mean.

===''Edinburgh'' (1.5)===
: '''Carolyn''': Is Mr. Birling happy?
: '''Arthur''': Yeah, it’s all fine. Martin’s showing Mr. B. to his limo. Douglas and I are going to watch the match in the plane. Mr. Birling says I’ll never find another girlfriend.
: '''Carolyn''': Oh. Well, Mr. Birling, the seventy something retiree from Sussex, is of course one of the country’s foremost relationship experts.
: '''Arthur''': Oh no, is he, I didn’t even know that!
: '''Carolyn''': But what he doesn’t know that we know, is the peculiar and unaccountable pull you have over bossy pony club types with Alice bands and stupid names.
: '''Arthur''': Yeah, I do have that don’t I? Like Minty. And Libbett. And Pobs!
: '''Carolyn''': Oh no, please don’t list them. Sounds like you’re brainstorming names for a Labrador puppy.
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Mr Birling''': ''(singing)''
::[[w:Cwm Rhondda|Bread of Heaven]], bread of Heaven,
::Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum!
::Bread of Heaven, here I come!

===''Fitton'' (1.6)===
: '''Douglas''': Arthur, tea!
: '''Arthur''': Er, yeah, will do, Douglas, just trying to fix this leak first.
: '''Douglas''': Oh well, in that case... Arthur, tea?
: '''Arthur''': Wow! You're making me tea?
: '''Douglas''': I know, it's a topsy-turvy day of misrule, isn't it?
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Martin''': "First officer leaves through nearest exit. Captain writes CAPTAIN on forehead with lipstick, dons cap, enters cabin"?
: '''Douglas''': "In unlikely event of captain nonrecognition, captain doffs cap, gestures to lipstick inscription."
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Martin''': But I have always wanted to be an airline captain.
: '''Douglas''': Really?
: '''Martin''': Yes, ever since I was six.
: '''Douglas''': Oh, and before that?
: '''Martin''': I wanted to be an aeroplane.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Arthur''': [...] I'm fairly often just completely happy. Like, for instance, when you get into a bath quickly and it's just the right temperature, and you go "ooooh". I mean really no one gets any happier than that.
: '''Martin''': What a depressing thought.
: '''Arthur''': No, no, it's not though, because those sort of things happen all the time, whereas you're hardly ever, you know, blissfully happy with the love of your life in the moonlight, and when you are, you're too busy worrying about it being over soon, whereas the bath moments, there's loads of those!
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': That's the beauty of vodka - colourless, odourless, proof that God loves pilots. Or at least the Russians do.
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: '''Arthur''': Good evening, this is your captain speaking, Captain Martin Crieff speaking, I shall be captaining the plane, as your captain, this evening. OK, bye!
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Martin''': Why do they always think you're the captain, Douglas?
: '''Douglas''': Oh, that's easy. 'cause I don't care. Captains don't care. I've been a first officer, then a captain, then a first officer again. All the same to me. So long as you're happy, who gives a toss how many rings there are on your sleeve?
: ''[Later...]''
: '''Helena''': [...] I know I'd hate to be Douglas' first officer.
: '''Martin''': Yes, well, as a friend once told me, "as long as you're happy, who gives a toss how many stripes you've got on your arm?"
: '''Helena''': But I bet whoever told you that was a first officer.
: '''Martin''': Now you come to mention it, I rather think he was.

==Series 2==
===''Helsinki'' (2.1)===
: '''Martin''': Douglas, I can't help but notice you've filled the flight deck with orchids.
: '''Douglas''': Yes. Yes I have done that. Yes.
: '''Martin''': Are you about to propose to me?
: '''Douglas''': It pains me to break your heart, Martin, but no. These are for another man. A Finnish customs officer named Milo, to be exact.
: '''Martin''': And ''what'' does he have that I don't have?
: '''Douglas''': Fishcakes.

===''Gdansk'' (2.2)===
:''Martin has a wager with Douglas that the Warsaw air traffic control is female''
: '''Martin''': Warsaw control, Golf Tango India. Could we have the latest Gdansk weather, please?
: '''ATC''': ''(male voice)'' Golf Tango India, wind 250...''(Martin groans)''...scattered thunderclouds.
: '''Martin''': ''(exasperated)'' Bloody hell!
: '''ATC''': I'm sorry! They're quite ''little'' thunderclouds.

===''Ipswich'' (2.3)===

: '''Douglas''': Carolyn, we have a complaint.
: '''Carolyn''': Oh dear me. Tell you what, why don't you write it down, put it in an envelope, tear it in half, throw it away and shut your face.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Carolyn''': Doctor Duncan, you see before you - the airline. Drink us in.
: '''Dr. Duncan''': There's four hundred of you.
: '''Carolyn''': Are there though? Count again.
: '''Dr. Duncan''': Not four hundred.
: '''Carolyn''': Four.
: '''Dr. Duncan''': Right. Well... that's unfortunate. I should probably speak to catering.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': Hey, chief, I might be wrong, but I think we're flying into a mountain. This makes me feel... scared of the mountain. One thing we could do is pull up and fly over the mountain. How does that sound to...
:''[Douglas makes a crashing noise as of a plane flying into a mountain.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Douglas''': Hey, chief.
: '''Carolyn''': What?
: '''Douglas''': I might be wrong... Ha, ha, ha, ha ha, sorry, I really must learn to say that with a straight face. Er, I might be wrong, but I think Arthur's about to lose us all our jobs.
: '''Carolyn''': This is not...
: '''Douglas''': Hang on, I'm only on step two. This makes me feel ''unemployed''. And also a little surprised, given that I'm sure I've heard quite a lot recently that the number of passengers at which it becomes compulsory to carry a flight attendant is nineteen, and I just wonder how often that situation's going to occur in our aircraft, with its sixteen seats.
: '''Carolyn''': Aah!
: '''Douglas''': And how does that sound to you?

===''Johannesburg'' (2.4)===
: '''Douglas''': Little flashing warning light, Captain. Anti-icing the starboard wing. Declaring itself rabbit of negative euphoria.
: '''Martin''': What?
: '''Douglas''': Not a happy bunny.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': You've brought a deck chair?
: '''Carolyn''': I always keep one in the hold for just such an occasion. Ahhh, this is the life. You know, I think this would be my luxury if I was on ''[[w:Desert Island Discs|Desert Island Discs]]''.
: '''Douglas''': A deck chair?
: '''Carolyn''': No, you washing a car. I think I could endure almost any hardship as long as I had the Bible and Shakespeare, ''[[w:Palgrave's Golden Treasury|Palgrave's Golden Treasury]]'', and the sight of First Officer Douglas Richardson grumpily soaping a wheel arch.

===''Kuala Lumpur'' (2.5)===
: '''Carl (ATC)''': Welcome home, Golf Tango India. Vacate runway to your right, and taxi to your stand.
: '''Martin''': Thank you, Carl. Oh, incidentally, be advised: as we landed, we saw a large hawk or kestrel about fifty feet from the runway.
: '''Carl''': Noted, Golf Tango India. What was it doing?
: '''Douglas''': Watching how it’s supposed to be done.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Arthur''': How do people do it? How do they lie

===''Limerick'' (2.6)===
: '''Carolyn''': Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has now illuminated the seat belt sign, so please ensure your hand baggage and duty-free are safely stowed, your tray tables are folded away and your seat is returned to the upright position. Or, as they say in Limerick:
::The captain has turned on the signs,
::So stow away bags of all kinds.
::Then make sure your tray
::Is folded away
::And your seat back no longer reclines.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Carolyn''': Is it me or is the sun not getting any lower?
: '''Douglas''': No, it's not just you.
: '''Martin''': Because we're flying west into a sunset near the Arctic circle.
: '''Douglas''': Every time it just dips behind the horizon ATC makes us climb a thousand feet and up it pops again like God's own fiery yo-yo.
<hr width="50%"/>

: ''[Arthur is trying to learn the phonetic alphabet]''
: '''Carolyn''': Arthur, “B”.
: '''Arthur''': Oh! Big. Bag. Bog. Bob. Bush. Ball. Bag. Bug. Bag. Bag. Bag.
: '''Carolyn''': It is not Bag. Two syllables.
: '''Arthur''': Balloon. Baboon. Bassoon. Bubble. Babble. Back... Bag. Bag-bag. Baghdad.
: '''Martin''': No, it's something you say at the end of a play.
: '''Arthur''': Bye-bye.
: '''Carolyn''': No! What do you say to the actors?
: '''Arthur''': Boo!
: '''Douglas''': No! Like Encore.
: '''Arthur''': Bencore!
: '''Martin''': Bravo!
: '''Arthur''': Yes, I knew that.
: '''Douglas''': You really, really didn't.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Martin''': Romeo and?
: '''Arthur''': Jomeo.

==Cabin Pressure Christmas Special (2010)==

===''Molokai''===
: '''Douglas''': Golf Tango India, continue as cleared. Thank you, Oceanic, and merry Christmas.
: '''Oceanic ATC''': I’m a Shinto Buddhist.
: '''Douglas''': And may you be a merry one.
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Arthur (singing)''': ''Get dressed, you merry gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay, For it is Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Day!''
: '''Douglas''': Yes...
: '''Arthur''': ''It’s Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Day!''
: '''Martin''': Arthur...
: '''Arthur''': ''It is Chri-i-i-i-i-istmas Day, Christ-i-mas Day! It is Chri-i-i-i-i-i-istmas Day!''
: '''Douglas''': Are you finished?
: '''Arthur''': Not necessarily - I know other verses.
: '''Martin''': No, you don’t. You don’t even know that one.
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Douglas''': You... took my Pétrus ‘05, and you... ''mulled'' it.
: '''Arthur''': Well, not properly. I don’t have the stuff, but, you know, I whacked in some fruit juice and some sugar and the rest of the orange Tic Tacs, and then I just blitzed it in the microwave. It’ll be close enough!
:'''Carolyn''': That's actually rather good.

==Series 3==

===''Qikiqtarjuaq'' (3.1)===
: '''Carolyn''': What is the matter with you two then?
:'''Martin''': Nothing.
:'''Douglas''': Nothing.
: '''Carolyn''': Well obviously something. Ooh, hang on a minute, I've just realised! I don't care. 
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Martin''': So we're quits?
:'''Douglas''': Nearly. Maybe if.. [''Puts the Cabin Address on''] Ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Richardson again. As you know, here at Unbeaten Track it's our pleasure to provide you with a short talk or anecdote -
:'''Martin''': Douglas, ''no''!
:'''Douglas''': From one of the crew with particular knowledge of the region. In this case, I'd like to invite Captain du Creff -
:'''Martin''': Pleeeease!
:'''Douglas''': To share with you the enthralling story of how he once encountered a polar bear in the wild and outwitted it, armed only with, if I recall correctly, an egg whisk.. And a Pogo Stick. Ladies and gentleman, your captain.

===''Paris'' (3.2)===
:'''Carolyn''': This Birling Day, the whisky is going to be under constant and vigilant watch.
:'''Douglas''': Oh, are you coming with us for once? That, I admit, does make it a little more interesting.
:'''Carolyn''': No, I'm not. I do not trust myself to spend any more than twenty minutes with Mr Birling without thumping him in the [[w:cravat|cravat]].
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Mr. Birling''': Ah, my dear boys, there you are. Ready once more to help me slip the surly bonds of Earth, put out my hand and punch the face of God?
:'''Douglas''': I think the expression is touch the face of God.
: '''Mr. Birling''': No no no. I don't like that at all. Sounds icky

===''Newcastle'' (3.3)===
: '''Martin''': So... Linda... you're a pilot.
: '''Linda''': Yes?
: '''Martin''': Yes, obviously, sorry. That wasn't a question, that - that was just a preliminary statement before the actual question I was gonna ask... which is... How long have you been a pilot?
: '''Linda''': Twelve years.
: '''Martin''': Twelve years, right, twelve years, well... that is not a long time or a short time... And... do you like it?
: '''Linda''': What?!
: '''Martin''': Being a pilot?
: '''Linda''': Yes, I do. Do you?
: '''Martin''': Yes, I do. I like it. Like you. I mean I like it like you do, not I like it like I like you, I don't like you. I mean I don't not like you, I just... I don - I don't like you as much as I like being a pilot.
: '''Linda''': Don't you?
: '''Martin''': Well, not yet. I - I mean I'm sure, if I got to know you, I'd like you more than being - well, probably not more than, because I LOVE being a pilot and I don't suppose I'd love you... well I suppose I might. No - I mean... I'm just gonna go and have a wander down the cabin now.

===''Ottery St. Mary'' (3.4)===
: '''Herc''': Oh, hello. What a ridiculous dog.
: '''Carolyn''': I'm sorry?
: '''Herc''': I said, you have a ridiculous dog.
: '''Carolyn''': My dog is not ridiculous!
: '''Herc''': Then whose dog is this?
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Herc''': Snoopadoop the cockapoo, noblest of hounds!
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Arthur''': Ooh, services! Can we stop?
: '''Martin''': Arthur, surely you can’t need to go again?
: '''Arthur''': No, I don’t. I just really like motorway services. It’s like a little gang of shops that have gone on holiday together.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': Bristol, Golf Tango India, request permission for passage through your airspace for three men and a flying piano.
: '''Bristol ATC''': Golf Tango India, please state intended next way point and key signature.
: '''Douglas''': Exmoor in F sharp.
: '''Bristol ATC''': Accepted.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Arthur''': Yellow car.

===''Rotterdam (3.5)===
: '''Martin Davenport''': Hello, I'm Martin.
: '''Douglas''': Goodness, what happened? Did you find a magic lamp?

===''St. Petersburg'' (3.6)===
: '''Arthur''': Here you are Skip, nice hot cup of coffee.
: '''Martin''': Oh, it’s cold.
: '''Arthur''': Nice cup of coffee.
: '''Martin''': It’s horrible!
: '''Arthur''': Cup of coffee.
: '''Martin''': I’m not even sure it is coffee.
: '''Arthur''': Cup.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Arthur''': It turns out a really good cure for being drunk is when you’re on a plane and then an engine explodes and you think you’re going to die.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Martin''': What’s he like then, Mr Shappey?
: '''Douglas''': I don’t know, I’ve never met him either, what’s he like Arthur?
: '''Arthur''': Ooh he’s er. He’s, er. He’s, er.
: '''Douglas''': Good lord Martin, I think you’ve broken him.
: '''Arthur''': No, no, no. It’s just that he’s, er. He’s, er.
: '''Douglas''': I think – I think what we may be witnessing here is Arthur attempting to describe something with an adjective other than “brilliant.”
: '''Arthur''': Yeah, n-n-no I wouldn’t say he was b-b- I mean obviously everyone’s b-. No, he’s not brilliant. He’s, er. He’s alright.
: '''Martin''': God.
: '''Douglas''': Yes.
: '''Martin''': He must be ''awful''.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Gordon''': It’s not so much that you took it off me, even though you couldn’t fly the bloody thing, not even that you then used it to play airlines with one pilot who failed his CPL four times and one who got thrown out of Air England for having sticky fingers, yeah, I looked you up. No, it’s just because you called your airline “My Jet Now” - as soon as I heard that, I said to Hayley – she sends her love by the way, though obviously she doesn’t mean it – right, right I said, I’m having that back off her. And you know what I’m going to do with it? I’m going to break it up for parts, and sell the rest to scrap, except for the tail fin. That, I’m gonna ship back to England and hang above my mantelpiece, after of course, I’ve resprayed it “NYBJAMS” – Not Your Bloody Jet Any More Sweetheart.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Douglas''': It’s like the story of the old shoemaker. I forget the finer details but I believe it concerns an old shoemaker who left a knackered old aeroplane in his workshop overnight and then magical mice, or it may have been pixies, came along and bolted a new engine to it.
<hr width="50%"/>

: '''Carolyn''': And now Gordon?
: '''Gordon''': What?
: '''Carolyn''': ''Get off my jet now.''

==Series 4==
===''Timbuktu'' (4.1)===
: '''Martin''': Destination is [[w:Guspini|Guspini]], codenamed "Timbuktu". For the avoidance of doubt, crew should note that any time Timbuktu is referred to, Guspini is meant.
: '''Douglas''': Yes. I believe we're up to speed with the deception.
: '''Martin''': In the unlikely circumstance the actual [[w:Timbuktu|Timbuktu]] is referred to, the name is to be repeated twice.
: '''Douglas''': How do you mean?
: '''Martin''': "Timbuktu Timbuktu".
: '''Douglas''': Means Guspini?
: '''Martin''': No! "Timbuktu" means Guspini; "Timbuktu Timbuktu" means Timbuktu.
: '''Douglas''': Oh, I see. But you only repeated it once.
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Martin''': The alternate is [[w:Palermo|Palermo]], codenamed "[[w:Ouagadougou|Ouagadougou]]".
: '''Douglas''': And if the real Ouagadougou is meant?
: '''Martin''': I really can't imagine circumstances under which we'll need to refer to the real Ouagadougou.
: '''Douglas''': Alright, but a good pilot is prepared for any eventuality, however...
: '''Martin''': Alright! The code for the real Ouagadougou is "Ouagadougou Ouagadougou"!
: '''Douglas''': Thank God we're not going to [[w:Baden Baden|Baden Baden]].

===''Uskerty'' (4.2)===
: '''Arthur''': ''[over the airport tannoy]'' Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please? This is the Airport speaking. Listen to the Airport. Flight 2020202 is now ready for boarding at Gate...Eight. It isn't late, it will not wait. If you want to be on that aeroplane...it's time to get on the aeroplane now. If you have young children...put them on the aeroplane. If you have any hand baggage...put it on the aeroplane. If you have any bombs...they're not allowed on the aeroplane. Please put them...in the bin. Okay, bye! Love..the Airport.
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Douglas''': ''[over the tannoy]'' Your attention, please. This is an important message for all passengers hoping to fly to Nottingham: raise your ambitions.
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Martin''': Bees! Carolyn! A lot, a lot, a lot of bees! I-In the dead branch! A lot!
: '''Carolyn''': Oh, don’t shout! Just climb down – climb down!
: '''Martin''': No! I don’t think I should move – I don’t think the bees would like it. I think I’ll just keep very still and maybe… the bees will forget me!
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Martin''': Douglas, quick! I need your help!
: '''Douglas''': Martin, good Lord! You’re soaking wet!
: '''Martin''': Yes, well, it’s raining outside. Look –
: '''Douglas''': What happened to your uniform?
: '''Martin''': I tore it falling out of a tree.
: '''Douglas''': Yes, but what’s that all over it?
: '''Martin''': Oh, uh, goose droppings.
: '''Douglas''': Is your hand okay?
: '''Martin''': No, a bee stung me, but –
: '''Douglas''': What are you carrying?
: '''Martin''': What does it look like? A stuffed sheep!
: '''Douglas''': You see, Arthur? The master!

===''Vaduz'' (4.3)===
:''Martin is wearing his Millennium Star''
: '''Douglas''': You're going to meet the King of Liechtenstein wearing a medal you got for being alive in the year 2000ǃ
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Theresa:''' I am Her Serene Highness Princess Theresa Gustava Bonaventura of Liechtenstein, Countess of Spondheim and Protector-Extraordinary of the Cantons of Nim. Who are you?
:'''Carolyn:''' ...Call me Carolyn.

===''Wokingham'' (4.4)===
:'''Martin''': She's had a heart attack?!
:'''Arthur''': Oh no, you really couldn't have got that more wrong, Skip! A heart attack is what she's NOT had!
:'''Martin''': What do you mean? What has she had?
:'''Arthur''': Not a heart attack - she was very clear on that!

===''Xinzhou'' (4.5)===
: '''Douglas''': Good evening, Carolyns and Arthurs. This is your Douglas speaking. I am delighted to tell you that four hours in a Chinese traffic jam have not been in vain, and we are awaiting clearance to leave the mysterious Orient and return to the obvious Fitton. I am joined in the flight deck by Martin, who will be your Martin today.
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Carolyn''': I've just realised, I'm not going to be back in time for ''[[w:Tosca|Tosca]]''.
: '''Douglas''': Oh dear. That won't go down well with Herc the Berk.
: '''Carolyn''': Do you mind not calling him that?
: '''Douglas''': I'm sorry. Hercules the Berkules.

===''Yverdon-les-Bains'' (4.6)===
:'''Martin''' ''[On Swiss Air interview]'': My biggest weakness, as a pilot, is that I'm not very good at flying aeroplanes... I mean, I'm good enough, like the sims said, I'm, adequate, adequate to the task. But I don't do it easily. It's not second nature to me. On your scale of 1 to 10, if 1 is the bare minimum of competence, I'm..about a four. And I used to be a 1, no, I used to be a zero. And I took my CPL again, and again, and then I was a 1, then a 2 then a 3 now a 4. And I'm not finished yet, and that's why you should employ me, that's why you'd be lucky to employ me. Because if you're not naturally good at it, if you can't rely on just knowing how to do it like Doug..like some people can, then you have to be a perfectionist actually. And I am one! And that's why even when you've turned me down, I'm gonna to keep on applying, because flying is the perfect job, and I won't settle for a life where I don't get to do it!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Stephanie Cole|Stephanie Cole]] — Carolyn Knapp-Shappey
* [[w:Roger Allam|Roger Allam]] — First Officer Douglas Richardson
* [[w:Benedict Cumberbatch|Benedict Cumberbatch]] — Captain Martin Crieff
* [[w:John Finnemore (writer)|John Finnemore]] — Arthur Shappey

===Supporting Cast===
* [[w:Melisande Cook|Melisande Cook]] — Helena Richardson
* [[w:Alex MacQueen|Alex MacQueen]] — Dr. Peter Duncan
* [[w:Geoffrey Whitehead|Geoffrey Whitehead]] — Mr. Birling
* [[w:Anna Crilly|Anna Crilly]] — First Officer Linda Fairburn
* [[w:Anthony Head|Anthony Head]] — Captain Herc Shipwright
* [[w:Timothy West|Timothy West]] — Gordon Shappey
* [[w:Matilda Ziegler|Matilda Ziegler]] - Princess Theresa of Liechtenstein

==External links==
{{wikipedia|Cabin Pressure (radio series)}}
*[http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lmcxj BBC homepage for the show.] 
*[http://johnfinnemore.blogspot.com/ John Finnemore's blog, with notes on several episodes of the show.]

[[Category:Radio shows]]

Men Behaving Badly

2014-08-04T00:46:02Z

YKWSG: /* Series 1 */

[[w:Men Behaving Badly|Men Behaving Badly]] is a British sitcom that ran for six series, and also included various special episodes.

__TOC__

{{tv-stub}}
= Series 1 =
==== Episode 2: "The Bet" ====
:'''Dermot''': You've left it a bit late, haven't you? She's probably off to see this new bloke now.
:'''Gary''': No, she saw him last night.
:'''Dermot''': That must be why she was looking so knackered.
:'''Gary''': If you must know, they were up late playing chess
:'''Dermot''': Is that what she told you?
:'''Gary''': What's that supposed to mean?
:'''Dermot''': No, you're probably right actually. When you first start seeing someone, you can't stop playing chess with each other, can you? You meet to go to a movie, have a quick game of ''chess'' before you go, rush home afterwards have another game of chess. Possibly in the shower, when you're all soapy. Then in the morning, you play with each other's pieces again. Even if you've woken up in the night and whopped your bishop out. Then you see her bending over to do her shoes up, and you can't resist giving her a right good ''chessing'' before she goes to work.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dermot''': Bye, Graham, nice to meet you. Must have a game of chess some time.
:'''Graham''': Sorry, I don't play chess.
:'''Gary''': What?
:'''Graham''': I don't play chess.
:'''Gary''': Oh, you "''don't play chess''"?
:'''Graham''': No, I don't
:'''Gary''': You, don't play chess! HOW DARE YOU NOT PLAY CHESS WITH ''MY'' DOROTHY!
:'''Graham''': I'm sorry?
:'''Gary''': GET OUT OF MY FLAT, THE PAIR OF YOU!
:'''Graham''': ''[to Dorothy]'' Is he always like this?
:'''Gary''': GET OFF TO YOUR POXY HOSPITAL, AND DON'T PLAY CHESS TOGETHER! GET OUT!

==== Episode 2: "Sex & Violence" ====
:'''Dermot''': I'm just showing you what it would be like if you went out with me.
:'''Deborah''': Yes, but it never stays like this. How long would the flowers last? A week? A month?
:'''Dermot''': They'd last forever. They're plastic.

= Series 2 =
==== Episode 2: "Rent Boy" ====
:'''Deborah''': What does it say?
:'''Tony''': We want sexual rights, and we want it now.

==== Episode 4: "Troublesome 12-Inch" ====
:'''Gary''': Oh, like a date sort of thing. That's what you wanted the change for earlier, isn't it?
:'''Tony''': No, I wanted to get a packet of fags.

= Series 3 =
==== Episode 1: "Lovers" ====
:'''Gary''': Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is that if you're both marooned on a deserted island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': Does this office have to sound like an episode of [[w:Little House On The Prairie|Little House On The Prairie]]?
:'''Anthea''': Well, we're a bit like that, aren't we? Little Office On The Prairie.
:'''Gary''': Don't be twee, Anthea.

==== Episode 4: "Weekend" ====
:''[on the way to the countryside]''
:'''Dorothy''': Maybe I should move down here.
:'''Gary''': Nah, you'd miss the sophisticated city talk.
:'''Dorothy''': What, you and Tony discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
:'''Gary''': That's a bit unfair. Oh, look at those lovely hedges... so what are the most comfortable pants ''you've'' ever had?

==== Episode 6: "Marriage" ====
:''[on his daffodil present to Deborah being thrown away]''
:'''Tony''': Excuse me! That was a present.
:'''Ray''': Oh, yeah, right, I could tell it was from you, it was scrawny, served no obvious purpose, and neither of us liked it.
:'''Tony''': Well, I'll have it back then, please.
:'''Deborah''': Why?
:'''Tony''': I wanna do some cuttings.
:'''Deborah''': How can you do cuttings from a dead daffodil?
:'''Tony''': You make incisions in the green, middle, stick-y bit, put it in the airing cupboard, couple of days, hey-presto... tulips!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Enter Tony, clutching his groin in pain''
:'''Gary''': I think I'm getting married.
:'''Tony''': I don't think ''I'' am.

= Series 4 =
==== Episode 3: "Pornography" ====
:''[after finding Tony's stash of porographic magazines]'''
:'''Jill''': Does that really turn you on?
:'''Tony''': How can that possib... yeah, it does actually.
:'''Jill''': How can it?
:'''Tony''': She's naked.
:'''Jill''': Yeah, but she's obviously freezing to death, she's sitting on a fork-lift truck feeling exposed, and stupid, and like a piece of meat. How can that turn you on?
:'''Tony''': Well, she's naked, look at it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': Look, Deborah, you're a girl...
:'''Deborah''': No. I was a girl, now I'm a woman.
:'''Gary''': How does that work then?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': Do you know what hurts the most?
:'''Tony''': ....Getting your balls caught between two bricks - got to be.
:'''Gary''': No, no - do you know what hurts the most about Dorothy and her new bloke?
:'''Tony''': Oh sorry, no, what?
:'''Gary''': She says she's in love. She never said that with me.
:'''Tony''': Oh mate, she doesn't ''love'' him. Perhaps he's just better with his knob.

==== Episode 4: "Three Girlfriends" ====
:'''Gary''': Do you wanna come in?
:'''Dorothy''': I'd better not.
:'''Gary''': Don't worry, we found out where that faint musky smell came from. It was Tony.
:'''Dorothy''': No, I'd just rather be somewhere a bit more neutral.
:'''Gary''': Switzerland?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': I've been a Vulcan for 25 years.
:'''Sylvia''': Vulcan? Don't you mean "vegan"?
:'''Gary''': What, with these ears? ''[laughs]''

==== Episode 5: "Drunk" ====
:'''Tony''': ''[drunk]'' So, how did you happen upon Les' watering hole? I mean two girls in a pub, by themselves. To me that spells: D - A - N - G - E - R
:'''Girl In Pub''': To us it spelt: M - A - R - L - B - O - R - O
:'''Tony''': ''[drunk]'' Middlesbrough?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': ''[drunk]'' Bed? Bed's for sleepy people! Let's get a kebab and go to a disco!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': ''[drunk]'' Time, gentlemen, please! Haven't you got homosexuals to go to?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tony''': ''[drunk]'' ''I am kneeling... I am kneeling... on the floor... outside the pub...''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tony''': ''[drunk]'' DEBORAH! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! COME DOWN! I WANT YOU!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tony''': ''[drunk]'' Can I give you a scone, and some protection?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Deborah''': Why do I have to live above two drunk morons?
:'''Tony''': ''[drunk]'' You ''don't''! Who says you do? Just stay here in your flat.

==== Episode 6: "In Bed With Dorothy" ====
:'''Optician''': What about contact lenses?
:'''Tony''': Ooh, no, no. I couldn't have something up against me eye. You know, right there, staring at me.
:'''Optician''': I would imagine it's no more uncomfortable than wearing a condom, say.
:'''Tony''': How d'you wear a condom on your eye?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[talking about pain thresholds]''
:'''Gary''': I mean, look at the fuss women make about child birth. Now, I'm not saying it doesn't smart a bit, but if blokes did it, I reckon you'd be looking at, what, give birth, have a couple of Paracetamol, maybe a bit of a nap and then back to work within the hour.

==== Episode 7: "Playing Away" ====
:'''Dorothy''': Rearrange these words to form a sentence: Tony, and, Gary, are, morons, witless.
:'''Tony''': Morons are witless, Tony Gary... ''and''?
:'''Dorothy''': Nearly.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Deborah''': Who wanted the painkillers?
:'''Tony''': Oh, me, ta.
:'''Deborah''': What's wrong?
:'''Tony''': Toothache, little son of a bitch tosser down at the back...
:'''Deborah''': Did you see the dentist?
:'''Tony''': Mmm, yeah.
:'''Deborah''': What did he say?
:'''Tony''': I can't remember it was in 1986.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tony''': Maybe I should go on this creative writing course, I was always dead good at poetry at school. "''I wandered lonely, as a clown, that flows on high o'er shoes and grass, when all o' the once I spied a crow, a hostess of goldy daffs''"
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[after pulling out a tooth and blood pouring from his mouth, Tony calls the hospital]''
:'''Tony''': Eyo? An I beak u Goyothy, pease? Goyothy. Gee, Oh... No, ''Gee'', ike in Gog. Gee, Oh, Jee. ''Jee'', ike giraffe. Yeah. O! Dorothy, oo arole, le e eplain! Dorothy! Dorothy!... Eyo, Dorothy. I ust pulled by ooth out. I ondered if oo ould ing e some ainkillers om the ospiyall affer oor hift. Yeah. I'm in uite ayot o pain. Yeah. I eel a bit faint, yeah. I ink I'll ave a i down. Yeah, bye.

= Series 5 =
==== Episode 1: "Hair" ====
:''Gary breaks the news that Dorothy is moving in''
:'''Tony''': But she'll want me to move out. I got nowhere to go. I like it here, mate. You can't release me into the community!

==== Episode 3: "Cowardice" ====
:'''Gary''': What exactly do lesbians ''do''?
:'''Tony''': I dunno, I suppose they just, sort of... rub each other.
:'''Gary''': Yeaah, doesn't seem enough, somehow, does it?
:'''Tony''': And one lies on top of the other one, and...
:'''Gary/Tony''': ...get off again.
:'''Gary''': Brilliant.
:'''Tony''': Fantastic.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deborah leaves Judy at the bar with Tony]''
:'''Tony''': So how are you two lesbians? Ladians, er... ladies.
:'''Judy''': Sorry?
:'''Tony''': Are you sleeping with Deborah? Erm... are you sleeping in the same flat as Deborah, at the same time on whatever basis?
:'''Judy''': Yes, just for a few days.
:'''Tony''': What... kind of things do you get up to?
:'''Judy''': Y'know, just running around together.
:'''Tony''': Naked?
:'''Judy''': "''Naked''"?
:'''Tony''': Oh, I'm sorry, I've got this disease that makes me say the wrong word.
:'''Judy''': What's it called?
:'''Tony''': I don't know. I live underneath Deborah.
:'''Judy''': Oh, lucky you, must be nice and warm.
:''[Tony looks shocked]''
:'''Tony''': Do you eat food?
:'''Judy''': Why?
:'''Tony''': I was wondering if you'd like to go for a meal with me sometime.
:'''Judy''': I don't think so.
:'''Tony''': Any particular reason why?
:'''Judy''': Just a question of taste I suppose.
:'''Tony''': Okay, your lifestyle choice.
:''[Deborah returns from toilet]''
:'''Tony''': That'll be one pound sexy, er, sixty.

==== Episode 4: "Your Mate v Your Bird" ====
:'''Tony''': I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.
:'''Deborah''': Tony, you don't love me. You just want to have sex with me.
:'''Tony''': ...Well, we could start from there.

==== Episode 5: "Cardigan" ====
:''[Gary, Dorothy, Deborah and Tony are in a car, lost whilst looking for a rave]''
:'''Dorothy''': I've had enough. I'm turning back.
:'''Gary''': ''[drunkenly]'' Had enough? Turning back? Are you mad? Are you... madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle? Are you!?
:'''Deborah''': Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.
:'''Gary''': No! Absolutely no; we're having a brilliant time! It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet, now that's very fashionable - I read it in a magazine, of, er... well some sort ''[pauses]'' or other.

==== Episode 6: "Rich & Fat" ====
:''[Gary & Tony are drunk and playing Monopoly; Tony is rolling the die]''
:'''Tony''': Eight, eight... yeah! Three. Ooh, chance. Nervous, really nervous. Haa, yeah! Get outta jail free card! Is that just for Monopoly, or does it work in real life too?
:'''Gary''': I think it's just fornopoly
:''[they sit back and Tony uncovers his belly]''
:'''Tony''': You see, the thing about the human body is, as we know, is that it is a temple.
:'''Gary''': Yep
:'''Tony''': It's just that my temple seems to have grown into a slightly larger temple.
:'''Gary''': With a big wobbly dome
:''[Gary jiggles Tony's belly]''
:'''Tony''': Anyway, there's a load of nonsense talked about fat, i'n't there? I mean, no-one ever went up to Winston Churchill, and said, "''Hey, Winnie, you can't lead Britain in to victory in the Second World War, because you're a bit of a chubber''".
:'''Gary''': Or, "''Excuse me, Mister Meat Loaf, you seem to be carrying an extra few pounds around, you can make no more hit records until you can squeez into some smaller denims''". Do you want another oyster?
:'''Tony''': No, thanks, mate. They disagree with me.
:'''Gary''': ''[as oyster]'' "''No we don't!''"
:''[both laugh drunkenly]''

= Series 6 =
==== Episode 1: "Stag Night" ====
:'''Dorothy''': We always said if we ended up as one of those couples who watch television in bed, we'd split up.
:'''Gary''': ''(still watching)'' Close the door quietly on your way out.
:'''Dorothy''': Gary, when I was away, did you sleep with a woman?
:'''Gary''': How do you mean "''woman''"?
:'''Dorothy''': A woman. You know, the ones with what you and Tony call "''shirt potatoes''".
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tony''': Gary, if I was a girl, with a girl's bottom and everything, would you marry me?
:'''Gary''': Course, mate.
:'''Tony''': Cheers, mate!

==== Episode 4: "Watching TV" ====
:'''Gary''': You know [[w:Felicity Kendal|Felicity Kendal]]?
:'''Deborah/Dorothy''': Yes.
:'''Gary''': She was deliciously pert, wasn't she?
:'''Deborah/Dorothy''': Yes.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': You know the [[w:Magic Roundabout|Magic Roundabout]]?
:'''Deborah/Dorothy''': Yes?
:'''Gary''': What the ''Hell'' was that all about?

==== Episode 5: "Ten" ====
:'''Tony''': Debs, will you do me a favour?
:'''Deborah''': What?
:'''Tony''': Will you have sex with me in a tree?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[to Dorothy's ten-year-old nephew, Jonathan]''
:'''Gary''': Grow up to be a decent member of society.
:'''Tony''': Play lots of sport.
:'''Gary''': Eat fruit, and, er, celery, and help old ladies cross the street, that sort of thing.
:'''Tony''': Mmm, except Debs' mum.
:'''Gary''': Yeah. Don't help her.
:'''Tony''': No. Hinder her.
:'''Gary''': Hinder her from crossing the street.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[calling out to Jonathan as he leaves]''
:'''Tony''': And just remember, eat plenty of celery.
:'''Gary''': Yeah, and help old ladies across the street.
:'''Tony''': Yeah, except Debs' mum!
:'''Gary''': Yeah, except Debs' mum!
:''[Deborah's mum appears behind them]''
:'''Tony''': Because she's not old!
:'''Gary''': Not old.
:'''Tony''': Not in the slightest.
:'''Gary''': In any way.
:'''Tony''': At all.
:'''Gary''': Leg it.

==== Episode 6: "Sofa" ====
:'''Dorothy''': Gary, you must've had this sofa for 25 years.
:'''Gary''': Yeah, and my parents kept the polythene on for the first six.
:'''Dorothy''': It's got some horrible stains on it.
:'''Gary''': Where?
:'''Dorothy''': There. There. There. There.
:'''Deborah''': There. Here. There.
:'''Dorothy''': There. There. There.
:'''Deborah''': ''There''.
:'''Gary''': Well, ''I'' can't see any.
:'''Deborah''': Oh, and what's ''that, there''?
:'''Dorothy''': Err.
:'''Gary''': Ooh, yeah, that is a bit worrying.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': ...the work thing never really gelled for you, did it?
:'''Tony''': Gelled, no. Well it's not natural is it? Man was meant to hunt, fish and forage in the open air.
:'''Gary''': Well, why aren't you doing that, then?
:'''Tony''': You know I get a bit chesty in the open air.

= Jingle Balls (Christmas special 1997) =
:'''Tony''': ''(singing down the phone)''
::We wish you a merry Christmas,
::We wish you a merry Christmas,
::We wish you a merry Christmas...
::Oh, that's a wrong number.

= Last Orders =
==== Part 1: "Performance" ====
:''[on Dorothy & Gary's baby attempts]''
:'''Gary''': I'll tell you a secret, you have to promise not to tell anyone though.
:'''Tony''': Sure.
:'''Gary''': To be honest, I'm having a bit of a problem... performing.
:'''Tony''': What, you mean...
:'''Gary''': Yeah.
:'''Tony''': The fire's burning but the logs not going in?
:'''Gary''': Yeah.
:'''Tony''': Mr. Toad's still curled up in Toad Hall?
:'''Gary''': Yeah.
:'''Tony''': The magic bus doesn't want to go to Manchester?
:'''Gary''': Thanks, no, it doesn't. Still, it's not a problem, happens to most men, sometime in their life.
:'''Tony''': Sure, mate, no, you'll be alright.
:'''Gary''': Thanks, mate.
:'''Tony''': Doesn't make you any less of a man, does it? Just because... you're a big poof.
:''[Tony runs away]''
:'''Gary''': What?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[on Gary's impotence]''
:'''Ken''': Hello, Gary, I hear the old Boy Scout's not going into the sleeping bag.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[on Gary's impotence]''
:'''Tony''': I hear there's been a power-cut in the Little Hampton area
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[on Gary's impotence]''
:'''Dorothy''': It doesn't matter, love.
:'''Gary''': I know it doesn't.
:'''Dorothy''': Well, it ''does'' actually, if we're trying to have a baby.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': I've always thought a good name for a folk band would be: "Folk Off And Die, Folkhead".

==== Part 2: "Gary In Love" ====
:'''Deborah''': It can take a long time to get pregnant, can't it?
:'''Tony''': Oh yeah, everything has to be right, the womb has to be in the right cycle; the, um, placebo has to be aligned with the aviary; and the seed must be freed.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': ''[drunk]'' You know, I've never said this before...
:'''Tony''': ''[drunk]'' What?
:'''Gary''': "''Ibble-wibble wibble''".
:''[both laugh drunkenly]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dorothy''': Gary doesn't understand periods. He thinks they're something to do with the moon.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony is trying to destroy a giant plastic fish with a finger-nail-file]''
:'''Deborah''': I saw Gary kissing a woman.
:''[Tony stops filing]''
:'''Tony''': A woman other than Dorothy?
:'''Deborah''': Yes.
:'''Tony''': Are you sure it wasn't Dorothy in disguise?
:'''Deborah''': Yes.
:'''Tony''': Or someone disguised as Gary?
:'''Deborah''': Yes.
:'''Tony''': Blimey... Wayhey!
:'''Deborah''': No, Tony, not "''wayhey''".
:'''Tony''': No, not "''wayhey''", sorry.
:'''Deborah''': Gary seemed really keen on this girl, and Dorothy thinks she's pregnant, it's all a big mess.
:'''Tony''': Oh, yes. Still, wayhey!
:'''Deborah''': No!
:'''Tony''': No. No, not, no.
:'''Deborah''': Talk to Gary, he'll listen to you.
:'''Tony''': He doesn't do anything ''I'' tell him to do, except for his Ken Dodd impression, he doesn't mind doing that.
:'''Deborah''': Well, find this girl, warn her off Gary. She's one of the delegates. I think her name's Wendy. Here...
:''[She takes one of Gary's suits from the cupboard]''
: ...wear this, and mingle.
:'''Tony''': Alright, but you must stay, and file my fish.
:'''Deborah''': No.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': Dorothy thinks she might be pregnant.
:'''Tony''': How do they know?
:'''Gary''': I don't know, I think it's something to do with... no, I don't know.

==== Part 3: "Delivery" ====
:'''Tony''': Are you alright?
:'''Dorothy''': Well, let's see, everything's twice the size it was nine months ago and I'm growing another head inside me.
<hr width50%/>
:''[Gary is drunk and stagger into the office, slamming the door open]'':
:'''Anthea''': Did you have a nice drink with Tony?
:'''Gary''': Tony Posty! Yes, I did, thank you very much. Here, wait, wait a minute, I've always wanted to...I've always to try this.
:''[He swings on the door then gets off and walks over to his desk]'':
:'''Gary''': Not actually as much fun as I'd expected.
:'''George''': Someone's a bit squiffy.
:'''Gary''': Yes, that'll be me. ''[Anthea starts to leave]'' No, wait, wait, Anthea don't go, wait, don't go wait, don't... pull up a...a thing, you too Porgie.
:''[Gary sits on his desk and Anthea and George take two chairs and sits down]''
:'''Gary''': I've had to get squiffy to tell you this, 'cause in a funny way...I care about you. Now, I know that might sound a bit stupid and a bit spooky and perhaps even a bit... ''[He puts his hand on his head]'' God, I'm getting a headache! Right...here goes. I've got some bad news.
:'''Anthea''': Is it about the pencils?
:'''Gary''': No, just forget about the bloody pencils, Anthea. ''[pause]'' The office has to close down in two weeks and we're all out of a job.
:''[pause]'':
:'''Anthea''': Oh, I can't see that happening.
:'''George''': Nor can I.
:''[Gary is flummoxed. He picks up a stapler]'':
:'''Gary''': Look, imagine this is our job. Yeah? Now look closely. ''[He turns and gestures with the stapler to the window]'' Job...going out of window. No? Job...window. Window...job. ''[He throws the stapler out of the window, breaking the glass. Anthea and George stand up in shock]''
:'''Gary''': That obviously works a bit better better if you open the window first. But you get my point. ''[turns and notices Anthea and George standing right by him]'' Oh! There will of course be a redundy package, a rebundancy package. ''[takes George by the tie and plays with said tie]'' George, you've been with the company for...eighty three years, you'll get three million and several thousand pounds. Anthea, ''[He makes his hand into a fist and almost does a "matey" punch on her shoulder]'' You've been with the company fifty two years, so you get a small castle in Surrey. Well done! ''[He sits back down on his desk]'' Don't worry about me, I obviously will find a nice slot with Parks and Spenenser or Tele British Comms. One of the two.
:''[pause]'':
:'''Gary''': Shall we hug, would that help? ''[Anthea and George back away from his stretched arms]''
:'''Anthea''': Well, right, ''[clasps her hands together]'' I'll just get back to work. ''[She leaves]''
:'''Gary''': Oh, blast!
:'''[He walks over to his desk]'':
:'''Gary''': George...say something.
:'''George''': I can't see it happening.
:''[While grabbing his chair, Gary falls over]'':
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gary''': ''[drunk]'' I'm sorry if I've ever been mean, have I ever been mean?
:'''George/Anthea''': Yes
:'''Gary''': No, be honest. I think we should be more honest. Or do I mean more sexy?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dorothy has been in labour for four hours]''
:'''Dorothy''': FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD MEN! YOU BASTARD, BASTARD MEN! Sorry, was I shouting?
:'''Midwife''': Just a bit. Nearly there.
:''[knocks at the door]''
:'''Dorothy''': WHAT FUCKING TIME DO YOU CALL THIS, YOU FUCKER?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gary has just knocked out the midwife with a door]''
:'''Gary''': ''[drunk]'' That's probably normal.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary''': ''[drunk]'' That's alright I'll call the ambulance, what's the number? It's 9 - something.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dorothy is in labour; Tony & Gary are drinking lagers]''
:'''Gary''': Bottoms up. NOT YOU, LOVE!

Peep Show

2014-06-04T00:22:24Z

YKWSG: /* Seasonal Beatings [7.5] */

'''''[[w:Peep Show (TV series)|Peep Show]]''''' is a British sitcom that started airing in 2003 and stars David Mitchell and Robert Webb. Lines in parentheses represent internal monologue spoken by the actors in voice-over.

== Series 1 ==

=== ''Warring Factions'' [1.1] ===

:'''Jez''' (This is fucking wicked. I'm almost definitely a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo... on my chest... but... of my face. Yeahh! Double me! Feel it!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (You're not a paedo. You're definitely not a paedo.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[While boarding the bus]''
:'''Mark:''' (Yes! "I am the lord of the bus!" said he.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Women don't like your hands under their bottoms, Mark. That's been established, that's a given.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad. Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a very big read. )

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''TV:''' I'm basically looking to meet someone like myself.
:'''Mark:''' (Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa... Knackered.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I don't want to go to [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waitrose Waitrose]. I want a fuckbuddy.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' What does your sister do?
:'''Toni:''' Not much. She's got leukaemia.
:'''Mark:''' (That's what you get for trying to flirt.)
:'''Mark:''' That's terrible. I'm so sorry. I suppose... I mean, at least it's not cancer.'
:'''Toni:''' It's a form of cancer.
:'''Mark:''' Man. That's terrible. My gran... died of cancer. Although, hopefully, your sister... won't. Obviously. Listen, let's talk about something else. Something fun.'

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (You can have good relationships with people who scare you. Just look at me and dad.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?
:'''Jez:''' Sure. It was Doctor Ying Fu Yip... Wang Shong... Pang Fang Wang... Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.
:'''Mark:''' Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Oh what? So... Mr... Ocean Colour Pants doesn't get it? Well, quelle fucking surprise.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' It's not who you know... It's who you blow.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Boy:''' Hey look, it's clean shirt.
:'''Mark:''' (Clean shirt? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?)
:...
:'''Boy:''' Fuck off clean shirt!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' You're a posh spaz.
:'''Mark:''' Oh really? Well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.
:'''Jez:''' In the way that you do posh, spazzy things like... tidying up and... ironing your socks.
:'''Mark:''' I do not iron my socks!
:'''Jez:''' Socks, shirts, whatever!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Toni:''' I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (Jesus. How did I get trapped with her? She's definitely the most boring person here.) ''[Looks at group of people]'' (I mean, they look great, they're probably talking about how they're going to make a real life porn movie with a proper story and everything... I could do the music.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (I mean, you can't catch cancer... I'd have heard... Someone would've said...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Listen to you, you beautiful... crazy thing... I meant, the cancer.
:'''Paula:''' I'm sorry? Which cancer?
:'''Jez:''' The bloody cancer! Eating you away!
:'''Paula:''' Ok... Would you like it if I did have cancer?

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Leaving Sophie on the bus, having failed miserably to woo Toni the previous night]''
:'''Mark:''' (Yeah that's the way, Sophie is the one. Toni is Russia: Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: Manageable... won't put up too much of a fight.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army, it was pressing and pressing, the Russians couldn't hold on much longer, many wanted to submit...
:'''Toni:''' Mark, you know I just don't bang anyone, yeah. I'm not some kind of next-door fuck jar.
:'''Mark:''' No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken. And that's the story of Stalingrad.

<hr width="50%"/>

=== ''The Interview'' [1.2] ===

:'''Mark:''' ''[Putting on socks.]'' (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes, is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that’s the rule. Makes a man look scary – like a chicken.) ''[Jeremy walks by, wearing only socks.]'' (He just does not give one solitary shit.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' ''[Before having toast for breakfast]'' (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off... he literally couldn't... he actually physically couldn't do it.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Work-shy freeloader.)
:'''Jez:''' (Tight-fisted cockmuncher.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you; they'd be off their tits.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (People like him should wear stickers; they've got them for their cars. Oh, yeah, great idea, Adolf.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?
:'''Sophie:''' Why, do I smell?
:'''Mark:''' God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (Super Hans said he'll be here in twenty minutes. That means I've got at least an hour.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' ''[Drawing a cartoon.]'' (What the hell is that? That is very gay, that's what that is. Come on, go crazy. You're hungry, like the wolf.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' We are NOT the Hair Blair Bunch!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Changing his mind about leaving the Nazi cartoon on Sophie's desk]''
:'''Mark''' (A bloody ''swastika''! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ''ever''. I mean, a swastika!?) ''[Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk]'' (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you ''tit''!) ''[Bangs his head twice against wall]''

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Toni:''' So, what you're saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?
:'''Jez:''' Well... You're kind of making me say that.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody ''swastika''.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' ''[Trying to open his desk drawer]'' (Why don't I get this fixed? Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?! Every night it's f... Ah, it always comes out eventually, fuck it.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I mean, not that.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' The first thing to say would be that this is ''not'' pyramid selling.
:'''Mark:''' You're doing pyramid selling?!
:'''Jez:''' No, no, ''not'' pyramid selling.
:'''Mark:''' I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
:'''Jez:''' Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!
:'''Mark:''' Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".
:'''Jez:''' Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?
:'''Mark:''' I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.
:'''Jez:''' I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
:'''Jez:''' But, yeah, if you get in early ...

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of her till you've worked out a - I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it ... because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, that sounds great. Me living in my crackhouse. Maybe you could be a crackbitch and sit on my -)
:''[He sees Sophie]''
:(Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, piss, poopants, bollocks.) ''[In the stationery cupboard.]'' (Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes! You can't touch me in the Ardennes.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Everything's okay in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeff:''' Mark. You're in the stationery cupboard.
:'''Mark:''' That's right, Jeff.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just... Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me?... Jesus! Where did that come from?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Interviewing Jeremy, for a filing position]''
:'''Barbara:''' ...now, do you have any experience in this field?
:'''Jez:''' Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)
:'''Barbara:''' You're doing great...
:''[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]''

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:'''Jez:''' No, challenging is right... Umm... But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

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:'''Jez:''' You're pissing on my bonfire!
:'''Mark:''' There is no bonfire!
:'''Jez:''' That's because you keep pissing on it!

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:'''Mark:''' (Well that was a fucking disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations. I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again, fuck the inevitable backlash.)

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:'''Mark:''' I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.

=== ''On The Pull'' [1.3] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that there's anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of... Hey! 33% extra free! I'm doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.)

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:'''Jez:''' You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars.

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:'''Jez:''' I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.
:'''Mark:''' Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?

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:'''Jez:''' But, it's better this way... two guys... we've got to get out there! Grooving! Doing it! You know? I mean, it's been a long time for either of us, I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks!! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! ''[Holds up a tissue box]'' People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Ok, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink. No one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.)

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:''[In a toilet cubicle with Toni, Jeremy and Valerie]''
:'''Mark:''' (I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often: I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets... this is ''it''. This is ''literally'', ''it''. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)

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:'''Mark:''' (I've been initiated. I am a drug user! Fuck the police!)

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:'''Mark:''' What if I lose it? I'm not gonna do a poo am I, Jez?

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:'''Jez:''' [''Eating chicken wings''] (This should be in the bag. Why isn't this in the bag? She looks like she hates me.) [''Toni looks on in disgust'']
:'''Jez:''' What? It's eat as much as you can.
:'''Toni:''' No, it's eat as much as you'd like. There's no competitive element involved.
:'''Jez:''' At 3.99, I think I know who's winning.

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:'''Jeff:''' So Valerie, who's your favourite member of S Club?
:'''Valerie:''' Oh, I'm not really into them. But I hear they have a big ''gay'' following. ''[mimes oral sex]''

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:'''Mark:''' For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.

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:'''Mark:''' (Don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it ''won't'' happen.)

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:'''Mark:''' I'm bowling all right, I'm bowling FRUIT! I've reached the next level, I've gone BEYOND!

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:'''Mark:''' (She does look kind of great in my pajamas. That's ''sick''. Why is that sick?)

=== ''Mark Makes A Friend'' [1.4] ===

:''[Discussing politicians with Mark and Alan]''
:'''Jez:''' What I mean is that they should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the [[w:Irish Republican Army|IRA]], he's like "Yeah, I shoot people, I like shooting people!" I mean, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it much more interesting if you pick sides.

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:'''Super Hans''': You passed out after the love beans... thought the table was being ironic.

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:''[In flash back of drug induced state]''
:'''Jez''': (Floss is boss, Floss is boss).
:''[Begins to strangle Super Hans with dental floss]''
:'''Jez''': FLOSS IS BOSS! FLOSS IS BOSS!.

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:'''Mark''': (This is the worst thing to happen to anybody ever.)

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:'''Mark''': (Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether you're buying corn flakes, fabric softener... or gay porn.)

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:'''Super Hans''': We're going to have parties that go beyond fun and actually get a bit nasty.

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:'''Jez:''' Will you walk, like some stupid.. duck? Or will you drive, like [[w:Jeremy_Clarkson|Clarkson]]?

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:'''Jez:''' The bad thing. That was the bad thing.
:''[Cut to shot of Super Hans performing oral sex on Jeremy the previous night]''
:'''Super Hans:''' Alright. My turn now.

=== ''Dream Job'' [1.5] ===

:'''Sophie:''' Are you sure you can get home from here?
:'''Mark:''' Hmmm. (You can never go home again. Winter's coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Look mate, I'm next door. I heard you. Your... noise. Last night.
:'''Super Hans:''' Oh, that. That was nothing. That was... press-ups.
:'''Jez:''' Yep, well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few... a lot.

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:''[Entering Barbara's empty office late at night]''
:'''Mark:''' (Hey Barbara, thought we should have a follow up meeting re: the phones thing... Oh, you're not here.) ''[opens desk drawer]'' (Well, I'll just leave my new idea in your desk, give you time to think about it. Yeah, so my new idea is urine.) ''[urinates into drawer]'' (Loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. What do you think about that? Don't you think that would be just the ticket?) ''[urinates on a folder on the floor]'' (Yeah, you're getting some too!) ''[phone rings, Mark answers]'' JLB Credit, fuck off please!

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:'''Therapist:''' Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association. It's kind of a fun way...
:'''Mark:''' Is it therapy?
:'''Therapist:''' Not really, no. I'll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.
:'''Mark:''' (He's trying to therapise me.)
:'''Therapist:''' Okay, let's start with an obvious one. Work.
:'''Mark:''' (Snake-pit.) Snake... ''charmer''.
:'''Therapist:''' Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.
:'''Mark:''' (Everything.) ...''not'' everything.
:'''Therapist:''' Children.
:'''Mark:''' (Blind.) Uh, short.
:'''Therapist:''' Father.
:'''Mark:''' (Führer.) Football.
:'''Therapist:''' Mother
:'''Mark:''' (Sophie.) Fuck! No, not fuck!

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:'''Therapist:''' Have you ever done a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]]? Just tell me what you see.
:'''Mark:''' (A hairy twat. A hungry, devouring twat) ...a kitten?

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:'''Jez:''' (This was definitely a good idea. There's no chance this wasn't a good idea.)

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:'''Mark:''' It's payback time.
:'''Jez:''' And she's paying back... in fear dollars!

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:'''Mark:''' (I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, I kicked a dog to death, and now I'm going to pepperspray an acquaintance. Something ... I mean, what's happened to me?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sophie:''' I hope when you're back on my team, we can get back to normal.
:'''Mark:''' Your team? (Heal and grow. Heal and grow.) Well, I guess it's very nice for the big lady to come down here and talk to the little man. I'm just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.
:'''Sophie:''' Oh, if you're gonna be like that, you can fuck off.

=== ''Funeral'' [1.6] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Can't do it. It's too much. I'm not American; I can't date.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.) Uh... yeah. I spent, uh, some time with Ray before he... went and I just wanted to say that, um, I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end... he loved Jesus. Now I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things like science or the stock market and... we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into say, uh... [[w:Enya|Enya]] before, but that now I really really was into Enya and that in fact I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya. Then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral! Yeah?
:''[Everyone applauds, Liz frowns]''

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:''[Discussing life and death with Mark]''
:'''Sophie:''' Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life...
:'''Mark:''' Right yeah... I mean, if I want an [[w:Xbox|Xbox]], why don't I just get an Xbox?
:'''Sophie:''' ''[confused]'' ...yeah.
:'''Mark:''' (You're losing her) It's a brief candle... a ''bloody'' brief candle.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' ('Abandon self-cherishing, love only others'. Yeah well Mr. [[Dalai Lama]], I suppose you've got to be a suck-up if you haven't got your own country.)

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:''[Kissing Sophie at Jez's uncle's wake]''
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, my God. Umm... What about my abnormal knackers? Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they? What I really need is a good, long look at another man's bollocks. But that's so fraught with potential problems.)

== Series 2 ==

=== ''Dance Class'' [2.1] ===

:'''Jez:''' There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all!
:'''Mark:''' That's not how happiness works! (It completely is.)

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:'''Mark:''' What do I know about love and happiness? I know you have to play dirty, my friend.

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:'''Mark:''' (Yeah, fuck carrot and stick, he's making the stick ''out'' of carrot.)

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:'''Mark:''' (Careful, there's man love and there's business love, and never the twain shall meet.)

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:'''Mark:''' (Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I'm probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.)

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:'''Mark:''' Dancing? Y-yes... dancing... I love... dancing... (It makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.)

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:'''Jez:''' (God, this is such a mess. It's fantastic.)

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:'''Jez:''' Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.

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:'''Mark:''' (I've walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (Jesus, Mark's such a honky. I'm definitely the alpha-est male here. He's probably here for community service. He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on. I'm definitely king of the hippie jungle.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is, for better or worse, the sixties happened and now sex is fine. But can't we take the best of that--the nice music, the colors, the [[w:I Have A Dream|I Have A Dream]], et cetera--but not have to face the ... squalor?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?

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:'''Nancy:''' You can't imagine your mum having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy!

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:'''Mark:''' (If I want to act relaxed, it's going to take all my cunning, skill, and concentration.)

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:'''Mark:''' (I wonder which of my treasured possessions they'll be putting in each others anuses tonight.)

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:'''Mark:''' (God it's so easy being a freak. No wonder they're ten a penny. I should get extra marks for not feeling a fucking thing.)

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:'''Nancy:''' This place is amazing, Gwyn. How can you afford it all?
:'''Gwyn:''' Well I guess I've just been very lucky. Money's an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me. Particularly after my parents died.
:'''Jez:''' Cosmic.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (You're not going to out-hippie me you fucking hippie.)

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:'''Mark:''' (God it's happening. It's [[w:Woodstock|Woodstock]]. It's [[w:Altamont Free Concert|Altamont]]. It's [[w:My Lai Massacre|My Lai]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I'm [[w:Louis Theroux|Louis Theroux]]. I'm Louis Theroux with his wry smile at the orgy.)

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:'''Mark:''' (Sure, an orgy ''sounds'' great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.)

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:'''Jez:''' (This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard-on, and I want to cry.)

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:'''Mark:''' We have something special. Not my words, yours. We can't throw that all away just because I ... spy on you ... can we!?

=== ''Jeremy Makes It'' [2.2] ===

: [''Jez approaches an acquaintance from school'']
:'''Jez:''' Gog!
:'''Gog:''' Jeremy! What are you doing here?
:'''Jez:''' Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick!
: [''Jez twists Gog's nipple'']
:'''Jez:''' Remember that time we made you wank off Percy's dog for a fiver?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (He hasn't got any massage oil. He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil. And it's worked!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Is that? ... Oh my god it is! It's Gog!
:'''Mark:''' Who's Gog?
:'''Jez:''' It's Gog! In school, if you had to sneeze, you'd run up and do it in his face.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I'll tell you what, that crack is really moreish.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gog:''' Hey, you know what I fancy right now? A kebab. Will you go down and get me a kebab?
:'''Jez:''' [''pause''] You want me to...
:'''Gog:''' I want a kebab.
:'''Jez:''' What ... really?
:'''Gog:''' [''laughing''] No-o! Why, were you gonna go and get me one?
: [''Everyone laughs at Jez'']
:'''Jez:''' No...
:'''Gog:''' I can't believe you were gonna go and get me a kebab!
:'''Jez:''' I wasn't!
:'''Gog:''' [''Stops laughing''] Well, I want one now.
:'''Jez:''' Right... really?
:'''Gog:''' [''laughs again''] No-o! I'm shitting you, Jez! Jesus!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Jeremy, what is Super Hans doing?
:'''Jeremy:''' [observes Super Hans] He's honking on his crackpipe.
:'''Mark:''' Crack! Jeremy! I have company!
:'''Jeremy''': Relax Mark, everyone does drugs nowadays. "Look at Me, I'm Mark. I'm dying on a street in an Advert in the 80s."

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Super Hans:''' What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.
: [''Plays a long, low note on the keyboard'']
:'''Super Hans:''' See, the longer the note... the more dread!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' (Useless...all useless. I wish they were all robots...I wish I were a robot...maybe I could punch through a wall...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' [Jeremy and Super Hans are trying to intimidate Gog] There, we have our answer. Can we please leave!?
:'''Super Hans:''' We have to hurt him now, out of principal. Hit him with the fucking bat Jez.
:'''Jeremy:''' Why do I have to hit him? Punch him with the glove.
:'''Super Hans:''' Punch him? [holds up baseball glove] I can't even make a fist.

=== ''Local Hero'' [2.3] ===

:'''Jez:''' The only reason I don't go to church is that, for me, everything's a church. This room is my church, the hall is my church... Cost Cutters is a bloody cathedral.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I've shot you Jeff. With a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nancy''':Why don't they ever talk about all the buses that made it safely?
:'''Mark''':Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate account of all the events of the day - except it would take forever.

:'''Mark''': I can take a joke as well as anyone, but if it happens again I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (Come on, smile - you don't know I've got an ulterior motive for doing this.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (She probably has really nice kidneys. Yeah, I'd fuck those kidneys real good.)

=== ''University Challenge'' [2.4] ===

:'''Mark:''' (She knows about cubits, she's not comfortable in her own skin, she's one of me!)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Do a Columbo, do a Columbo.) [To shoe shop assistant] Just remind me, which university was it April's gone to again?
:'''Assistant:''' Dartmouth.
:'''Mark:''' Dartmouth, of course. Dartmouth. Thanks. (Good old Columbo. Just the one technique, of course. Still, shits on Quincy.)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' I thought you did do Ancient History.
:'''Mark:''' I did business studies Jeremy. For ''three'' years. And I spoke with you about it daily.
:'''Jez:''' (I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.)
:'''Jez:''' Oh well, that's all ancient history now!
: [''Mark looks unimpressed'']

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Super Hans:''' The secret ingredient [waves hand] is crime.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' Stealing things just makes everything very cheap. Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.
:'''Mark:''' Yes, confused.

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:'''Jez:''' There's no quim likes to party...
:'''Mark:''' ...like the quim down in Darty!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''April:''' Who's your tutor?
:'''Mark:''' [scanning noticeboard behind her] (Netball, [[w:Keyser Söze|Keyser Söze]], MacLeish!)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' You don't walk into the jaws of death--that's common knowledge!

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:'''Mark:''' I'm gonna leave a tenner and a note.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' I'm dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

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:'''Mark:''' At least I didn't have to watch her recoil at my scrotal scar.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Is that it? Is that how easy it is to steal some education? Bloody hell, who's in charge? The world's just people walking around, going in to rooms and saying things. It's all a big swizzle!)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Oh God she is just so lovely and she doesn't even realize it. Probably no one's ever told her. I should tell her!! No, don't tell her. If she realizes, I'm finished.)

:'''Jez:''' So these are just rows and rows of books you don't like? Do you spend a lot of time not reading them?
:'''Professor:''' (Angry) I think you've said enough, friend.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' He's not a mature student, he's been a loan manager for the last five years. He lives with me and he eats ready meals and we play 'Guess the Revels' and watch ''Men In Black'' on our massive telly and we have a ''fucking''. ''Good''. ''Time''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' [As Jez and Mark leave] (This is okay....it's just one of those things that will haunt me forever.)

=== ''The Man Show'' [2.5] ===

:'''Mark:''' If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.
:'''Jez:''' Right. You didn't, did you? Try to have sex with a monkey?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez''': You do realise I'm bored, Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know. ''[Mimes putting a rope around his neck and masturbating]''
...
:'''Mark:''' And if you do do that, don't do it in here. The hook's almost off the wall as it is.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.
:'''Mark:''' Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!
:'''Jez:''' But you said... what about your mum's life?
:'''Mark:''' What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark''': (I have entered the abyss. I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' So I was gonna twat this geezer, and then it turns out they were both Polish!
:'''Mark''' You were going to 'twat' a 'geezer'? Were you playing the 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels' video game?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''':(Yep, civilization is definitely doomed.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I've been turning this thing over and over in my head like a bloody horrible pancake.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Mark consoles Sophie after she breaks up with Jeff.]''
:'''Mark:''' Does... does he beat you, Soph?
:'''Sophie:''' God, no. He broke a plate once, but...
:'''Mark:''' Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?
:'''Sophie:''' No, never. It's nothing like that.
:'''Mark:''' He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.
:'''Sophie:''' No.
:'''Jeremy:''' Hey, Soph. You alright?
:'''Sophie:''' Yeah, just getting my head together.
:'''Mark:''' Oh God, your head - is it okay!?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' We all hate you Jeff! You're a cocksucker!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I'm giving you the broom Jeff!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat [[w:Dairylea (cheese)|Dairylea]]? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

=== ''Wedding'' [2.6] ===

:''[discussing their marriage of convenience]''
:'''Nancy:''' You realise its only going to be an administrative procedure?
:'''Jez:''' The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Oh don't marry those gays, Nancy. Marry me!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You do realise it's me you're talking to, not some Italian builder.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. She's coming over. Must... Think... Words... Funny words.)
:'''Karen:'''Hi there
:'''Mark:''' Hi, hi, say isn't it funny all the coffee, what's with all the coffee? Listen I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrr, give her a good shake, but if you ever want to call me about anything then I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Karen:''' Hey Mark, how's it going?
:'''Mark:''' Hey Karen, pretty good, and you?
:'''Karen:''' Good thanks
:'''Mark:''' It was good to see you in Gino's. Got over the twitch by the way. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me. [Karen giggles] (Hey! Look at me go, I'm charming!) Yeah so sorry if I was acting a bit weird, I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime?
:'''Karen:''' Well that sounds nice
:'''Mark:''' (I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (This is just not normal. Someone has got to do something. He's just going to stand there doing nothing like Jeff's the invading Chinese army. They're women, that old get out. Oh god, it's got to be me.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Great. The woman you love has been single for only a few seconds and you've already found her a nice new boyfriend. Nice job, Mr Fucking Stupid.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' She's got trouble written right through her. Like a stick of Brighton rock.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Where might you find a diphthong?
:'''Mark:''' It's an element of speech.
:'''Super Hans:''' Where might you find one?
:'''Mark:''' In a word?

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[as Jez walks up the aisle]''
:'''Mark:''' (I tried. I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes. Just like Dad with me and the strimmer.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie, stay cold and unfriendly to Karen, without breaking social convention.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Brilliant. Probably looks like I was going to punch him, when actually I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield).

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Public humiliation. Welcome to my world, Jeff. Although personally I wouldn't have picked ''that'' dress to cry on.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
:'''Mark:''' Honestly?
:'''Jez:''' ''Quite'' honestly. Not brutally honestly.
:'''Mark:''' Then... yeah, absolutely.

== Series 3 ==

=== ''Mugging'' [3.1] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Fish pie then missionary sex and Newsnight afterwards.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mugger 2:''' Alright mate?
:'''Mugger 1:''' Will you lend us your phone mate?
:'''Mark:''' [startled]...What?
:'''Mugger 1:''' Lend us your fuckin' phone!
:'''Mark:''' Why?
:'''Mugger 2:''' Well I need to make a call.
:'''Mark:''' ....Dont you have your own phone?
:'''Mugger 2:''' Come on, lend us your phone.
:'''Mark:''' Right... it's just... 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be'!
:'''Mugger 1:''' Do you think we're some pair of shit-houses?
:'''Mark:''' No! God, no! It's just a... It's a [[w:BlackBerry|BlackBerry]] and....
:'''Mugger 2:''' Give us your phone! Give us your wallet!
:'''Mugger 1:''' Come on! Before we fuckin' do you!
:'''Mark:''' (Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape AND kill me, I hope they kill me first....I sort-of win...) ''[Hands over the phone]''
:'''Mugger 1:''' Is that it? You got nothin' else?
:'''Mark:''' [meekly] ...Yes
:'''Mugger 2:''' What else?
:'''Mark:''' There's my travel card? (That's right, Mark, help the muggers...what do you want, approval?)
:'''Mugger 1:''' ''[They laugh at Mark's photo]'' Alright, now piss off!
:'''Mark:''' [inwardly indignant] Oh this really takes the biscuit.
:'''Mugger 2:''' FASTER..."
:'''Mark:''' I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees -
:'''Mugger 1:''' FASTER!!"
:'''Mark:''' [running] Oh this really leaves a sour taste.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Note to self re: being the Fonz - Mark, you are *not* the Fonz.)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Big Suze:''' Hey, Jez! Look at all the lovely normal people.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' "You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen '[[w:Mad Max|Mad Max]]', haven't you? That's what's going to happen!
:'''Mark:''' ''Mad Max'' isn't necessarily going to happen.
:'''Jez:''' You're still living in your [[w:Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|Hitchhiker's Guide]] world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (They're alright with hitting, but apparently there's a massive taboo against stabbing.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' ''About Stu'' (He's a monk, he's gonna have fifteen years of spunk backed up. How am I supposed to compete with that?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah. Take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn't protect you from my big fist.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (Still drinking alone, what's the big deal? If I drink a bottle of vodka and a man's there does that somehow make it alright?)
:''[Stu appears]''
:'''Stu:''' Hey man, I'm really parched, you mind if I have a swig of something?
:'''Jeremy:''' Whatever.
:''[Stu drinks from the milk jug]''
:'''Jeremy:''' (God, that's what a man should look like. Look at that body. Those arms.)
:'''Stu:''' Listen man, I know you still have feelings for Suze and that's fine. So, it's really nice to meet you, and...no hard feelings. Yeah?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah
:''[Jeremy stands up to shake Stu's hand, but pulls back at the last moment and wiggles his fingers in front of his face and laughs]''
:'''Stu:''' What does that mean?
:'''Jeremy:''' You know what it means, Stu, by how it makes you feel! That's what it means. ''[Stu begins to walk away]'' Welcome to big school!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (God I must look so cool to her, like Pete Doherty or Bukowski. Yeah, that's right honey, I'm a street fighting man. God she's probably getting wet just looking at me.) Hold your horses honey, I've got coupons for the Pringles.

=== ''Sectioning'' [3.2] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Look at me; I've got a girlfriend. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I go out and have croissant. I'm just a normal functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Super Hans nonchalantly flings Merry's laptop across the room]''
:'''Jez:''' Super Hans!
:'''Super Hans:''' Oh, what? Oh, 'cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic? It's just a metal box Jez, they're indestructible.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' "If you build it, they will come". That's my market research.
:'''Mark:''' Your market research is [[w:Field of Dreams|Field of Dreams]]? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? That's your role model?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' People like lager and nuts.
:'''Super Hans:''' People like [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]] and voting for the [[w:Nazi Party|Nazis]]. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.
:'''Jez:''' Yeah OK!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:'''(I'd like to chemically alter my girlfriend's mood)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' She's very ill. We need to get her to someone-
:'''Jeremy:''' Who has more responsibility for her than us.
:'''Mark:''' Exactly.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Did you try to section me?
:'''Jeremy:''' No. (That sounded convincing.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Do you really think if you give her back those papers, she's going to let you screw her?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (If I was getting sectioned, I'd put up more of a fight. Downside: Could get lobotimised)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Your dream is just everybody, grey, on the omnibus, eating grey sludge. That's your dream isn't it?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' If YOU try to section me Mark you will have crossed a line and I will section you, so help me...
:'''Doctor:''' Look guys. You've had your fun with the [[w:sectioning|sectioning]]. There's going to be no more sectioning today.

=== ''Shrooming'' [3.3] ===

:'''Jez''': Oh Suze, it's not scary; you just lose your sense of who you are and all that shit.
:'''Big Suze''': Will I still be able to play the piano?
:'''Jez''': Of course! Suze, they're mushrooms; they're completely natural! Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': If people only did everything they wanted everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans''': Listen love, just a little tip alright? You're on the edge now and you need to pick the right way. One way's heaven, and the other... well... probably best not to think about that right now... but it's fuckin' 'orrible, yeah?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': You da man!
:'''Mark''': I'm a man!
:'''Jez''': It's you ''da'' man.
:'''Mark''': Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a Man!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (Shit. We're so angry together. The righteous indignation of the common man! Maybe we can start a union... The Woodworkers and General Persons Union.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (Maybe we'll become best mates and he'll train me up to be a carpenter like Jesus. And if I get crucified, he'll start a religion in my name. Jeremism. 'I'm a Jeremist.' Nice.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (It's not like I'm going to rape him. I ''could'' rape him... I'm not going to rape him.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': I'm going to get us both really high and then try to put my hand up her jumper.
:'''Mark''': That's your ''plan'' is it?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': Let me out! Let me out I need a poo!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (This is the last friendship I have that's not backed up by a legally enforceable document.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''':(Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus... I'd have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans''': Ooh yeah. These are the good times, love; after the initial nausea passes, but before the grinding comedown. Lovely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Johnson''': Is that normal pooing you're doing, Mark?
:'''Mark''': Yes, perfectly normal.
:'''Johnson''': Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't ''smell'' normal. This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': So this is my big evening, is it? Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do ''endless'' pooing.

=== ''Sistering'' [3.4] ===

:'''Mark''': Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty - they're just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you, aren't they?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it's all a big laugh.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Oh my God. I've fallen in love with her. Of course. Brilliant. How incredibly predictable. What a total fucking dope.)

:'''Mark''': (He's gonna get cancer and I'm not. I don't want him to but obviously one of us is going to get it and I'd rather it was him.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': Promise me you will not try to sleep with her.
:'''Jez''': I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': So. You slept with her. You promised.
:'''Jez''': I promised to try not to.
:'''Mark''': Yeah, well you didn't try very hard did you.
:'''Jez''': Mark, I tried incredibly hard. It just turns out it was literally impossible not to.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (How can Mark be in love with Big Suze? It's like [[w:Swaziland|Swaziland]] trying to invade [[w:China|China]] - it's a bloody political joke.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (They're rubbing it in my face. It's like I've got his member in my face.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Great. Okay, so I've 'dumped' my sister. That's great. That feels good. I'm intrigued to see what I'm gonna do next. Maybe I'll ring up Grandad, and tell him I think he's a boring twat.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': ''[Whilst jogging]'' (Hey! Wow, I'm actually good at this. Maybe I'm a natural - yeah, I'm a jogger! Of course, there had to be a sport for me, I just never realised. Legs like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm unstoppable - JESUS, is that a stitch? Fuck, I'm gonna be sick, I need to walk. Oh, I think I'm gonna puke, I'm literally going to die, ugh, what an idiotic boob I was back ten or eleven seconds ago.)

=== ''Jurying'' [3.5] ===

:'''Jez''': [[w:Crunchy Nut Cornflakes|Crunchy Nut Cornflakes]] are just [[w:Frosted Flakes|Frosties]] for wankers.
:'''Mark:''' Frosties are just [[w:Cornflakes|Cornflakes]] for people who can't face reality.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': It's probably some young black kid who's been accused of stealing a bun, and I'm going to set him free.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': No smoke without fire? Is that what 1000 years of British Judicial Law has come down to? No smoke without fire?!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Saying 'I Love You' is like firing first in a duel; if you miss, you're fucked!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Sometimes I tell them I love them early on on a first date just to get things off to a good start.
:'''Mark:''' Doesn't that... devalue it a bit?
:'''Jez:''' No. Maybe. A bit. Who cares, it works.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' You'd be the first to admit that you're not the most rational thinker.
:'''Jez:''' No I wouldn't!
:'''Mark:''' You still don't understand what happens in [[w:Ocean's Eleven|Ocean's Eleven]].
:'''Jez:''' It's a complicated film.
:'''Mark:''' It really isn't.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (This isn't wrong - just illegal - like drink-driving.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': Oh that is typical. "Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but ... Tony Blair can?"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': Look Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. [[w:Hedonism|The law of "if it feels good, do it".]]
:'''Mark''': Oh, that's a great law isn't it? What's that, [[w:Muammar al-Gaddafi|Gaddafi's]] law?
:'''Jez''': It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (I'm in [[w:Twelve Angry Men|''Twelve Angry Men.'']] I'm the only one who's not angry. I'm horny. That's much nicer.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Sophie! The Sophster! Sophistry!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesn't cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and... fisting.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[About [[w:Ecstasy (drug)|ecstasy]]]''
:'''Jez:''' Jesus Mark, why didn't you bang one?
:'''Mark:''' Because I don't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': It's like I'm trapped in a giant aero!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (How did my house become a rave? This is probably how a squat starts. They'll never leave and eventually they'll brick me up in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' While we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. And a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on... fuck off.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (Oh yeah. Justice is done. Not actual justice, but, what I wanted to happen. Which is basically the same thing.)

=== ''Quantocking'' [3.6] ===

:''[to Jez playing darts]''
:'''Mark:''' Are you aiming for the bulls-eye?
:'''Jez:''' Yeah, 'course I am, it's the best thing on the board!
:'''Mark:''' No, it isn't.
:'''Jez:''' Mark, just look at it. It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle. 'Course it's the best thing on the board!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Oh great, she posted the guide book. I suppose I'm supposed to think that's incredibly charming and French. Well it's not, it's a waste of £8.99.)
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (She's looking for company after a minute of uncomfortable silence. Well, get used to it, baby. There'll be a lot more where that came from when we're married.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' We'll be going to bed when Mark's getting his morning horn off the [[w:Financial Times|FT]].

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Right well, let's crack on.
:'''Super Hans:''' Don't. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. 'Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I've got a monkey on my back the size of King Kong. I am being fucked by King Kong!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': We're not going to be two of those idiots you hear about who go up a mountain in Flip Flops and Sombreros and have to be rescued.
:'''Jeremy''': Would you rather be one of those idiots they find frozen to death, drinking his own piss while badgers chew on his corpse?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' ''[Dividing up his chocolate]'' There's seven segments, so that three each and one left over which is mine since... it's all mine.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh, the spirit of the [[w:The Blitz|The Blitz]] lives on. Fuckin' hell.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (She's so Beautiful and Fancy. If there weren't a junkie in my room shitting and retching and hurling, it would be just like Pride and Prejudice)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (At least he doesn't know about my emergency [[w:Twix|Twix]]).

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (I'm so tired. She's gonna have a hell of a job coaxing a hard-on out of me. But I bet she'll manage)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Yes, this me-not-loving-her business will sort of put me in a position of power in our marriage. Yes. I win.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I'd probably be very angry with you right now, if I weren't so incredibly high.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Super Hans, are you trying to skin up with your feet again? Because it doesn't work, does it? It just makes a mess.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Why were you phoning me anyway, you big idiot?
:'''Mark:''' Well, I wanted to talk some stuff through with someone didn't I? You big.. dick.
:'''Jeremy:''' What stuff? You're not having gay feelings again Mark?
:'''Mark:''' No, ''one time'' that happened.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' So you accepted the acceptance?
:'''Mark:''' I had to .. it was check mate.

==Series 4==

===''Sophie's Parents'' [4.1]===

:'''Mark''': She’s good for me, Jez. She’s dragging me into the twenty-first century with its meaningless logos and ironic veneration of tyrants. It’s all good, my friend.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy''': I've got loads of really important stuff to do this weekend.
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar Milk, a small bag of marijuana, and a pirated DVD of Anchorman are not important things.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy''': But what's [[w:Tony Blair|Blair]] going to do?
:'''Super Hans''': Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.
:'''Jeremy''': Or maybe he'll form a political supergroup. Blair, [[w:Bono|Bono]] on vocals, [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] on sax.
:'''Super Hans''': Yeah, that's definitely going to happen. [[w:Bob Geldof|Geldof's]] gonna shit.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sophie's mother''': Oh, you grew a beard. Makes you look handsome, like a policeman.
:'''Mark''': Thank you. You're obviously very attractive, too. (Ugh! What am I going to do next? Tell her she's got lovely tits?)

[Mark shaves off his goatee]
:'''Mark''':(Goodbye beard. Hello familiar stupid face)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': (I'm a motherfucker! That's literally what I am!)

:'''Mark''': You don't just declare war, Jeremy. You prime the press, you square things with the [[w:United Nations|UN]], you make up your reasons.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': (It's almost like a moral decision, but not really 'cause nobody will find out.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (Well, this isn't what I expected. You think you're going to play Simpsons Monopoly, and you end up an arsonist.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jeremy:''' Mark, we're out with a man who has guns! You're chucking his daughter and I've shagged his wife. Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely fucking well for us.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (I'm a [[w:Firestarter (song)|firestarter]]! A twisted firestarter!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb, but I thought it might just have been a joke.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': This zip... there's no pocket to this zip!
:'''Sophie:''' So?
:'''Mark''': (So that's the way it is? Let's just put a zip here, a [[w:swastika|swastika]] there. Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': ''[To Sophie's father]'' He can't hear... Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger baiting, tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe?

<hr width="50%" />
:''[to Jez, smiling smuttily]''
:'''Penny:''' Get yourself a nice tank of petrol. Come back soon.
:'''Jez:''' (Yeah, right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck. No thank you.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Please, no. Please tell me no.
:'''Jez:''' What?
:'''Mark:''' That. The smutty smile. Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.
:'''Jez:''' Nothing is going on there.
:'''Mark:''' Let's just say nothing's going on there.
:'''Jez:''' Yeah. ''[Pause]'' Actually I did want to tell someone, I mean it was so cool, she had all this jam -
:'''Mark:''' Oh my God, you didn't?! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!
:'''Jez:''' She's hot.
:'''Mark''': She's not out of [[w:Hollyoaks|Hollyoaks]], Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!
:'''Jez''': I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression.
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not [[w:James Bond|James Bond]], you're disgusting.
:'''Jez''': (I ''am'' James Bond.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark has just twisted a bird's head off whilst hunting]''
:'''Sophie:''' Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.
:'''Jez:''' No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy''': (Of course he's not allowed to shoot. He's Mark Chapman in the making and I'm very much a 21st century [[w:John Lennon|Lennon]])

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (He doesn't have anyone to talk to. He spends all day with the trees and animals. This is what happens when you live too far away from franchised coffee outlets)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Ugh, "sir". This isn't Tennessee, Mark)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh God, the first fiancé challenge and I've got a gun. An actual gun. It's OK, it's perfectly normal, this is the country. This is what farmers do. They go around shooting crows, and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[after Mark is forced to spend an evening in a pub with Sophie's father]''
:'''Mark''': (I barely have anything to say to my best friend, what am I going to talk to a fully grown man about all evening?)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' [to Mark and her father] Hey, nice to see you two getting on. What are you two talking about?
:'''Mark:''' Oh, just...metal. (And the fact that I don't really love you)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' Bye. Love you!
:'''Mark:''' I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)

===''Conference'' [4.2]===

:'''Mark:''' Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... oh!
:'''Johnson:''' Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just [[w:Tai Chi|Tai Chi]]. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.
:'''Mark:''' Great.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (I do sort of like it when he's rude to me. Hopefully that's more of a psychological defect, not a weird sexual thing.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Johnson''': Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented [[w:Google|Google]] sat around watching [[w:Trumpton|Trumpton]]?
:'''Mark:''' (Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Johnson''': In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... £530.

<hr width="50%" />
:''[about [[w:Indecent Proposal|Indecent Proposal]]]''
:'''Jez:''' (Is this a terrible idea? It can't be. It's in a film. They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film, they'd get sued.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Big Suze''': Sounds like you want to pimp me out.
:'''Jez''': Pimp me out. Pimp my ride. There's a new climate.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez''': (God! I only asked her to be a hooker. It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sophie:''' ...and I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.
:'''Mark:''' No, I didn't.
:'''Sophie:''' Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head. Then you stamped on Gerrard's foot.
:'''Mark:''' That was an accident.
:'''Sophie:''' No it wasn't.
:'''Mark:''' But it could have been. I was careful to make sure that it could have been.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Sit down. Clear your tubes. 'Cause you and me are gonna chow down on the biggest hairy motherfucking business shit-storm since [[w:Enron|Enron]].

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Suppose I can always roll Gerrard out for the sympathy vote. He's my dark secret... my elephant man.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Oh right, so, now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?
:'''Jez:''' Exactly. Duh! That's how love works Mark.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Oh great. I'm going out with literally the worst men in the world.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Big Suze:''' Jeremy?! What the hell are you doing here?
:'''Jez:''' Me? Oh. Nothing. I was just passing through... Kettering... And I thought, hey I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Look, Suze. Being black isn't about the colour of your skin. It's about vibe, hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number. Fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them! Yeah? I'm down with all that! Is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?!
:'''Big Suze:''' You mean... apart from his mentoring and community work?
:'''Jez:''' ...Yeah, apart from that!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Big Suze:''' You tried to sell my body! I don't want to talk to you. Goodbye
:''[Suze leaves, the Barman stares at Jeremy]''
:'''Jeremy:''' I did not try to sell her body. I tried to rent out her sexual organs ''[beat]'' on a one-use basis.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Oh God. This is horrible. Ughh, she's touching the tube! That can't be hygenic...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[While getting a lap dance in a strip club.]''
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, great! Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Uhhh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality? As though I'm so used to real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude... smiling encouragement? That's not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs. And the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it make you feel sick! Oh great, now I'm getting an erection. How grimly predictable.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Stripper:''' You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.
:'''Mark:''' Right, look, this is a very complex business proposal so I really don't think you could sum up ''all'' the aims in one line.
:'''Stripper:''' If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line then they're too diffuse.
:'''Mark:''' Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse, ok?!
:'''Stripper:''' Fine! Jesus! They just ''might'' be too diffuse. That was all I was saying...
:'''Mark:''' (Great... Now I'm getting an angry lap dance... Brilliant...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sophie:''' And have I lived enough? I mean, I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?
:'''Jez''': Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (This is almost definitely a terrible idea, but I won't know for certain until I've actually done it...''[Jez and Sophie kiss]''... No I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire life... Although... Maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[about Jez and Sophie being nice to Mark after he walked in on them almost having sex]''
:'''Mark:''' (Why are they being so nice? Maybe they've had a big chat about me and they're suddenly realised I was right about North Korea, I was right about the European Constitution, and by God I think I'm right about the [[w:congestion charge|congestion charge]]!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You know what this piece of paper says, Jeremy?
:'''Jez''': Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I'm about to walk into a boardroom gang bang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Maybe you should run away.
:'''Mark:''' Right, thanks Jez.
:'''Jez:''' Well, I mean, people say it like it's a bad thing, you know, running away from your problems. But if your problems never catch up with you, what's the hitch?
:'''Mark:''' Right, well, in this case there would be repercussions.
:'''Jez:''' What do you care? You'd be in the woods, playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels!
:'''Mark:''' I suppose I could... run away.
:'''Jez:''' Do it man!! (I ''think'' that was good advice... I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it... Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... But... yep, there he goes.)
:'''Mark:''' (God, I'm running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I'll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket!Or join Al Qaeda!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (Hiding out in a parking lot. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I've really done it this time. This isn't a late report or a misspelled memo. This is going feral. Rejecting society and living like an animal. That's not going to look good on my quarterly review)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Right, here I go. Palms dry. Mouth dry. Inter-buttock area moist.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Johnson:''' I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr. Corrigan will indeed be dead within a month.

===''Gym'' [4.3]===
:'''Mark:''' I'm marrying her, what more does she want?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?
:'''Mark:''' I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not ''away'' from Sophie, just... without her.
:'''Jez:''' .....
:'''Mark:''' You should join too. You get a free pen!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh, why did they have to put the bikes right in front of the sexualiser? Be so demeaning to get a bonk-on while exercising.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Matt:''' Can you take some more? Can you? Do you want it? Do you want it?
:'''Mark:''' NO!
:'''Matt:''' What?
:'''Mark:''' No, I don't want it, alright? Fuck off! You've made it too hard, I can hardly fucking pedal! No mountain is this hard, it's just not realistic!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh, that was horrible. Now he probably thinks I'm embarrassed about the size of my penis. When in fact, I'm not. I'm much more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' [after joining Nancy in the sauna] (Could use my sauna line.) Phwoor. Cor, it's like a sauna in here! [Nancy laughs] (Classic line. That is just a great line. Gotta manoeuvre more dates into saunas.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Eva:''' [after being trapped in the flotation tank] I've got to get out. It was so dark! So dark!

:'''Jez:''' Still, there are worse places to get trapped, right? I mean, you must be bloody relaxed by now!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Manager:''' Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr. Corrigan.
:'''Mark:''' Uh.. Well, uh, h-he was... uh, g-giving me a m-massage. And, uh, h-he was going up my... legs and my thighs an-and then he... touched my penis... then he rubbed my... penis. Quite a bit. An-and I said "stop". But he wouldn't stop.
:'''Matt:''' Mark why are you saying this? I don't understand.
:'''Mark:''' B-because... because it's true.
:'''Matt:''' Please don't do this! This is my career!
:'''Jez:''' You should've thought about that when you were touching his cock.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe it would've been simpler just to kill him. I should know how to kill someone by now. I've watched enough CSI.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Nancy:''' Matt, violence never solved anything: love thy neighbour as thyself.
:'''Jez:''' Yeah, exactly; fuck off!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Matt:''' Well, you can't stay hiding there [behind Sophie and Nancy] forever!
:'''Mark:''' He thinks we can't hide here forever.
:'''Jez:''' He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?

===''Handyman'' [4.4]===

:'''Mark:''' What a dud evening. Low quality take-away. Low quality detective drama. Low quality sexual intercourse.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
:'''Jez:''' And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (What should I say? Anything that doesn't mention wanking over your memory for the last twenty years would be good.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I thought she was a frightened little suburban mouse, but no, she's my nightmare: a liberated, sexually adventurous urban woman.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK. Like the environment.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Don't flaunt your wad, Jeremy. It's not becoming.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (What exactly is my plan here? I've lured them all to the safari park like a Bond villain, but what's the aim? Torture myself with contact with an unattainable woman?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I can't believe it. He's actually thrown me to the lions.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' You're disgusting. But I like it. Like going to a strip club with the Pope.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You gave him a [[w:Handjob|hand]]?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah.
:'''Mark:''' Shit. (I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
:'''Jez:''' Sorry, I didn't think.
:'''Super Hans:''' Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!
:'''Jez:''' Did you do it?
:'''Super Hans:''' 'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Nancy:''' What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
:'''Super Hans:''' Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
:'''Jez:''' No I haven't! It's not -
:'''Nancy:''' Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.
:'''Jez:''' What do you mean that is so me? That is not so me.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Cheer up, Mark. At least now you've got a funny story to tell people.
:'''Mark:''' Yes. No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. (One that I'll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.)

===''Holiday'' [4.5]===

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh... More data entry tonight. I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever. Maybe I could put on Big Bond Themes and pretend I'm entering data for MI6.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[with the relationship therapist]''
:'''Therapist:''' The sexual problems in your relationship?
:'''Mark:''' Oh! Right. Are there...?
:'''Sophie:''' Well, I just feel, I don't know, unfulfilled.
:'''Mark:''' Unfilled?
:'''Sophie:''' Unfulfilled.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh great, so I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex, that's value for money!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (This weekend is going to be one massive dry hump. Maybe the tension will build to the point where we actually try and fuck each other.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss. I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Lucy:''' Can I get a metre of vodka...with an inch of tonic?
:'''Mark:''' (Come on, Mark, turn it on! Play the game!) Oh, er, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational...er, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind (Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, God, vodka! It'll be an orgy. Great! Disappoint three people instead of just one!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': The whole world isn't [[w:Zoo Weekly|Zoo Magazine]], Jeremy. People don't just go around wanting it the whole time.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Warp factor 3 please, [[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]!
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God! I've entered an interview situation and there's a hand near my cock. This is like that dream I had about [[w:Alan Sugar|Alan Sugar]] and [[w:Ruth Badger|the Badger]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (This can't be real. They're probably Sophie and Johnson in masks and this is being paid for by MTV and the Playboy Channel.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (I'll just throw it in the river like when I had my paper route. Screw you, Murdoch)

<hr width="50%" />

:''[discussing Malcolm's daughter]''
:'''Malcolm:''' What do you think of her? Honestly.
:'''Mark:''' (I think she might have a [[w:Borderline personality disorder|borderline personality disorder]].) I think she's... lovely.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I don't want sweet punani action; I want to take your bishop and grind you down!

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark is pitching his CV]''
:'''Mark:''' (Shit! I'm losing him!) And if you look at the bottom, you'll see that my hobbies include history and going to the movies.
:'''Lucy:''' I like going to the movies.
:'''Mark:''' (Of course you do. Everyone does. Man seeks woman. Must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Fucking hell! He's got Mummy! He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (I'm eating dog leg! This is definitely a new low.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' It's just a hairy turkey!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jeremy:''' "Mummy" was probably the turkey's nickname. ... It could easily be!
<hr width="50%" />

:''[after Jez has eaten "turkey" (actually the dog, "Mummy")]''
:'''Mark:''' Did you actually have to eat it?
:'''Jez:''' I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I ''needed'' to eat it.

===''Wedding'' [4.6]===

:'''Jez:''' Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?
:'''Mark:''' I believe I did, and what exactly is....
:'''Jez:''' Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first melon to fall off loses.
:'''Mark:''' Right, and who won - [[w:Gore Vidal|Gore Vidal]] or Dr [[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]]?

<hr width="50%" />

:[''Nancy is asleep on the sofa'']
:'''Mark:''' Nancy stayed over?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah. Lovely, clean Nancy all over our filthy disgusting sofa.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear. There's a very big difference.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Need time to think. How can I buy some time? Contract [[w:Tuberculosis|TB]]? But where from? No badgers. Try to get beaten up? I could say he's got a... fat head. Call him a jizz-cock. It's not actually an insult, all cocks are jizz-cocks really; bit like calling him a piss-kidney.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Well, you should be more careful you... jizz-cock!
:'''Driver:''' What?
:'''Mark:''' You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.
:'''Driver:''' Arsehole!
:'''Mark''': (Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' You OK?
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.
:'''Jez:''' OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't ''totally'' groovy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Mark we're in the middle of the road you're gonna get us killed for the sake of your legacy. Stop it! You're not fucking Blair!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (Am I actually going to piss on the church? It'd be quite a statement. Yeah, baby! Here I go. [[Richard Dawkins]] walks the walk but does he actually follow through with an actual act of piss?)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' God I am dying for a piss. I feel like someone's inflating a balloon full of urine inside me. And not in a good way.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez''': Let me go in that prayer bucket.
:'''Mark''': Prayer bucket?... [''looking round''] Jeremy, that's just a bucket.
:'''Jez''': Alright, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket...
:'''Mark''': No, you can't move!
:'''Jez''': Mark, I can't hold it in any longer! I'm busting!
:'''Mark''': Well, if you really can't hold it in, I guess you'll just have to...piss yourself.
:'''Jez''': You're ordering me to piss myself?
:'''Mark''': Yes, if you have to go, piss yourself.
:'''Jez''': Is this what it's come to?
:'''Mark''': Yes, and do it quietly!
:'''Jez''': And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? [Jez begins pissing himself]
:'''Mark''': Are you going already?
:'''Jez''': Yes, I'm so pathetic, as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. See what you've done? You've ground down my sense of self worth over the years, I hope you're happy!
:'''Mark''': When are you going to stop?
:'''Jez''': Not for a bit.
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, stop! It's going down the crack!
:'''Jez''': Oh piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that easy Mark, the flood gates are open!
:'''Mark''': I'm ordering you to stop!
:'''Jez''': You're being a real dick about this, aren't you?!?!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Priest''': ...Before God Almighty who knows all the secrets of our hearts...
:'''Mark''': (He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Someone save me! Jeremy? Spacemen?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (That's it. I've ruined my life! You only get one life and I've ruined mine!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''': (That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''': You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.
:'''Jez:''': Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': So, Nancy, did she not show up?
:'''Jez''': No, she did ... with Super Hans, so that's nice. I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that.
:'''Mark''': Well, I suppose I should apologize for not letting you go and get her.
:'''Jez''': Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that. But, I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.
:'''Mark''': Oh, that's nice. Thanks man.
:'''Jez''': It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other moldering resentments.
:'''Mark''': Exactly. Stick it on the bill.

==Series 5==

===''Burgling'' [5.1]===

:'''Mark:''' (So unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Mark, double date tonight?
:'''Mark:''' No...what's she like...is she sexy?
:'''Jez:''' Mark, beggars can't be choosers. She's an actual woman.
:'''Mark:''' It's too early, I'm not into it. No, I'm still technically married. I'm not safe to be reintroduced into society yet.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' We might need to tidy up a bit. And we may have to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes
:'''Mark:''' ''[disappointed]'' The Megatron? But....no
:'''Jez:''' It smells wrong. I mean, the Megatron doesn't say 'urban freewheeelers', it says 'sofa masturbators'...y'know

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Here we are. What are you doing?
:'''Mark:''' ''Friends of the British Museum'' magazine. Clearly I'm not a Johnny Depp Tony Parsons Hunk of the Month, I need my props, I have my rituals.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Jeremy was right; she's an actual woman.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God! I've already closed on a second date! This magazine is sexual dynamite!)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Jez has just been told he may have [[w:Chlamydia|Chlamydia]]]''
:'''Paula:''' Lots of times it's symptomless basically so it's just...
:'''Jez:''' It's symptomless? Oh, right. So what's the biggie? I mean, no one minds if the invisible man comes to dinner. (Maybe I can get into this. Sexually transmitted disease. Sexually transmitted. Sexually. Sexy. I'm feeling sexy.)
:'''Paula:''' You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis, have you?
:'''Jez:''' (Not so sexy.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark and Jez are on a double date at the theatre]''

:'''Jez:''' ''[whispering]'' When do we get to go out?
:'''Mark:''' ''[whispering]'' As far as I can make out, we get to go out for a bit in an hour, then we have to come back for two hours.
:'''Jez:''' You're kidding. I think I'll die.
:'''Mark:''' If this was on television, nobody would be watching.
:'''Jez:''' Oh God. Why aren't we watching television? [...] I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro ''and'' Al Pacino.
:'''Mark:''' I'm going to pretend I ''am'' watching Heat.
:'''Jez:''' OK. Let's just pretend we're watching Heat.

<hr width="50%" />

:''[Jez has left the theatre early]''

:'''Jez:''' (This is amazing. I wasn't meant to be out 'till eleven, and it's not even nine. I've time travelled. I've made time! I could do anything. I'm golden!)

:''[Whilst giving his ticket to a tramp]''

:'''Jez:''' Here you go mate. Go and see the second half. It's shit.

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark comes home to find the flat has been burgled]''
:'''Mark:''' Have you called the locksmith, have the police already been?
:'''Jez:''' No, I thought I'd check with you first, coz, I mean what do you call?....or do you do it all online now?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' The Playstation! The memory card! I'd nearly broken through on [[w:Medal of Honor (series)|Medal of Honour]]. They've nicked 120 hours of quality me time! Bloody hell!!

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Apprehending the burglar]''
:'''Mark:''' (I'm wrestling with the white working class! [[w:Inspector Morse|Morse]] never did this!) Just shut up!! (I'm better than Morse!)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[On the phone to the police]''
:'''Mark:''' 45 minutes? But...I'm sitting on him. Is that legal?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Look, let's just try to continue our evening as if he wasn't here and if he tries to escape, I'll just have to take him down. (I've got balls like baked potatoes!)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Holding up the Megatron]''
:'''Heather:''' What's this?
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, the Megatron is shrinking my massive balls!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' ''[Right, you shit! It's mutually assured destruction!]'' Suze, I'm afraid I have to inform you that Jeremy has or may have a sexually transmitted disease. I'm sorry I had to tell you...
:'''Jez:''' Mark! Shut up!
:'''Big Suze:''' Is it AIDS?
:'''Jez:''' Course it's not AIDS, this isn't the 80s. It's the best STD, just cute old mostly symptomless [[w:Chlamydia|Chlamydia]].

===''Spin War'' [5.2]===

:'''Mark:''' You know Jez... I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked... You know, I fucked up my wedding, I fucked up my only relationship. Everything's just completely fucked.
:'''Jez:''' You have been thinking this for a while, haven't you?

<hr width="50%" />

:''Mark mentions he'd like to be a scout master. Jeremy smirks''
:'''Mark:''' What? You don't have to be a paedophile to want to work with children.
:'''Jeremy:''' But it probably helps.
:'''Mark:''' I spent five happy years in the scouts! And never once...
:'''Jeremy:''' ''[Interupting]'' You told me kinky Leyton was all over you.
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, alright Leyton was a bit of a paedo. But it was old style paedoing. Before it got such a bad name. (Of course, Leyton only ever really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt).

<hr width="50%" />

:''Mark walks past two of Sophie's friends. They stop their conversation and give him nasty looks''
:'''Mark:''' (Ugh.. the gossip mill. That's right, stare at Hess; throw fruit at Hess, pacing his prison yard!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' This is a chain-on scenario.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Mmmm. Why toast when you can roast?
:'''Jez:''' Another roast? That's the third today.
:'''Mark:''' What's nicer than a roast?
:'''Jez:''' Yeah, but, chain-eating roasts?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Ugh no... Heartbreak Tuna! No, just bin it. But not literally - no need to be dramatic. Freeze it. See how I feel in six months.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' If she wants a PR War, then she can have a PR War... I'll [[w:Peter Mandelson|Mandelson]] her! Nobody wanted New Labour, Jeremy, but now we all know how it works.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' ''[entering the office]'' (Walking into the jaws of death. Got to go past Sophie's desk. What I am going to say? Please save me, Jesus - I'll believe in you if you save me now ... The other way! She's looking the other way! Thank you, Jesus! ... Although it was fifty-fifty which way she'd be looking - might need a bit more to start believing.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Mmmm, Piggin' Tea Break. Cup of piggin' tea and work out my piggin' campaign strategy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Lisa:''' Erm, Mark, I just want to say about the wedding... that I think you're a real piece of shit.
:'''Mark:''' Oh... OK. (That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Hi Soph, how are you? How are you feeling?
:'''Sophie:''' Well... I want to give things another go.
:'''Mark:''' You... you do?
:'''Sophie:''' No, of course I fucking don't!

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Jeremy plays Barney's music to Super Hans]''
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, this is raw. Who is this, is this us?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Super Hans:''' Shit, he's done something there. How's he done that?
:'''Jez:''' I think that what's happening is maybe two or three different musical things, at the same time!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Have you read the Big Beat Manifesto lately?
:'''Jez:''' Did we write it down?
:'''Super Hans:''' The Big Beat Manifesto goes "Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time".
:'''Jez:''' Right. At the time, it felt like a much more all-encompassing philosophy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we'd do we've ever had.
:'''Jez:''' Oh yeah. 'cause sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Where do I sit... This must be what it's like being a nonce in prison.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' By the way, is it possible to get a block on a couple of e-mail addresses?
:'''Dobby:''' Why, what have you been getting?
:'''Mark:''' Ah, just the usual... crap.
:'''Dobby:''' ''[reading]'' You're a piece of shit. Shitter, Stuff your bollocks up your gob...
:'''Mark:''' It's just mates and that.
:'''Dobby:''' ''[still reading]'' Fuck off and shut up and die?
:'''Mark:''' Yeah they're pretty funny.
:'''Dobby:''' Arseholes.

<hr width="50%" />

:''[after Dobby asks Mark to reach something high inside a closet room]''
:'''Mark:''' Ugh...you'll, you'll have to...move.
:'''Dobby:''' Yeah, I should move, but...I might not move. ''[begins to rub her bottom against Mark's private area]''

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (This is possibly the most exciting thing that has happended to anyone ever. Does she know what she's doing? Is she just innocently waggling her bum around and I'm getting illegal benefit? I'm not doing a sexual assault am I? You can't do a sexual assault if you stay still like a statue. I'm just a statue, a dirty, filthy statue. Oh God, I'm getting very...Captain Corraghan if flying without a licence! Oh Jesus, it's too much, I'm going to blow my beans! I'm going to do a [[w:On Chesil Beach|Chesil Beach]]!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I win because they all think I pissed myself, when they have no idea I came all in my pants!)

<hr width="50%" />

:''[about Jeremey's show in the club Fuckbunker, after Dobby seduced Mark earlier in a closet]''
:'''Mark:''' I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuckbunker.
:'''Dobby:''' Is that what you call the stationery cupboard?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (Hmmm... women. There they are, walking around. And they've all got them. Under their clothes. Hiding there. But I know the secret. Vaginas.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I've been caught out! Like [[w:Angus Deayton|Angus Deayton]] or [[w:Harold Shipman|Harold Shipman]])!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' This is piggin' massive!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' What's going on?
:'''Super Hans:''' Barney's locked himself in the bathroom.
:'''Jez:''' What did you do to him?
:'''Super Hans:''' Nothing...jesus...
:'''Barney:''' He's a fucker!
:'''Jez:''' Has he been sucking you off?
:'''Super Hans:''' No! Of course not...
:'''Barney:''' Yes.
:'''Super Hans:''' Well...maybe once...
:'''Jez:''' What the fuck are we going to do!?!? We don't know how to play his mu...our music. We're the frontmen! I was planning on just waving a maraca and giving the hotties my sex eyes.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Barney:''' I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
:'''Jez:''' What's going on?
:'''Super Hans:''' He wants to go home.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Super Hans:''' ''[Discussing Barney]'' He's in a K-Hole right now, but in ten the speed'll kick in. Can a coke and a cig, he'll be right as rain.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Okay, what now? Go home and roast the shit out of some meat.

===''Jeremy's Broke'' [5.3]===

:'''Mark:''' Look at us Jez, we're letting our lives slip through our fingers. Maybe you don't care, but I need to get out there. And I'm never going to meet a woman in a pub, or a nightclub, or an art gallery, or a bookshop, or any other formal or informal social gathering. Realistically it's just not going to happen.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (He's such a tight arse. Won't even replace the widescreen. How are they meant to brainwash me with their adverts if I can't see them properly?)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Recognise this, Jeremy?! I went to get the [[w:Cherry Garcia|Cherry Garcia]] out to defrost and look what I found inside! [holds up a [[w:post-it note|post-it note]]] ''"Look, I know what you think happened and yes you're right I have eaten all your ice cream."'' This is it. This is the line. You have crossed the line!
:'''Jez:''' Read the mitigating circumstances. There are loads.
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Mark is making a list of everything that Jez can consume.]''
:'''Mark:''' Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK. But not shower gel. And no razors. If you're poor, grow a beard. Tea Bags are allowed within limits.
:'''Jez''':Limits? What Limits?
:'''Mark''':No making a pie out of tea or anything weird
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg until it hatches, not eat it like some greedy, mad chicken.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' It's not that easy Mark, there's just not that many jobs in the media. That's the reality.
:'''Mark:''' Do something else. Get on your bike.
:'''Jez:''' I can't believe you're making me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (Mmm... Delicious [[w:Cumberland sausages|Cumberland]] final straw, dripping in onion gravy.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh, speed dating. That was horrible. No one else seemed to mind. Maybe this is the future. Three minute date, three minute fuck, three minute marriage.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Ah, the results are in! What does the [[w:swingometer|swingometer]] say?!
:'''Speed Dating Hostess:''' Well, I'm afraid you've got no matches for dating...
:'''Mark:''' What?!! None?! But number 23 said she was definitely going to tick! That's a verbal contract!
:'''Speed Dating Hostess:''' Well, maybe you could take her to court
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, speed dating! I'd be better off speed skating! (Doesn't really work. But she gets the point. I'm just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.) Ohhh, Saz, she implied she might be ticking. Maybe she did tick! Maybe the data wasn't collated correctly! Maybe she's my [[w:hanging chad|hanging chad]]
<hr width="50%" />

:''[To nurse at the [[w:sperm bank|sperm bank]]]''
:'''Jez''': I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private donation...you've got my details. (Urgh, bit creepy, the spermy atmosphere is cramping my style. Right, time to open my sticky bank account. Hey, where's the porn? No porn? Am I supposed to just dry hump myself? Must be something I could use. [Pulls out a £20 note] Would it be wrong? Why not? It's a free country)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I've been thinking ... it's been great having you here. But you've done the south now - the [[w:London Eye|London Eye]], the [[w:Trocadero_(London)|Trocadero]] - so you probably want to be heading up north. [...] There's a Harvey Nichols in Leeds that everyone goes on about, as if it's the answer to something.
:'''Saz:''' Don't kick me out, Marco.
:'''Mark:''' There's an [[w:ANZAC|ANZAC]] memorial in Huddersfield.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' So that's what it comes down to, is it? You don't want to bone me, so I'm out - it's that brutal. [[w:Streets of London (song)|Have you seen the old man, down by the seaman's mission?]] Yes - not very fuckable, is he?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Dobby:''' ''[sings]'' Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet 'cos Jeff's doing a joke!
:'''Jeff:''' Freak.

===''Jeremy's Mummy'' [5.4]===

:'''Super Hans:''' It's a pisser though, innit - cancer. They should find a fucking cure.
:'''Mark:''' I think they're trying.
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Twenty thousand pounds. I'm going to be a millionaire!
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Wow, nice. Nice gun. Must be, what, a... war gun.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' You've got sarcasm. I've got a big gun.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (It's [[w:Paddy Ashdown|Paddy Ashdown]]. It's [[w:Indiana Jones|Indiana Jones]]. It's Indiana Ashdown!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Why doesn't Jeremy want you to be his dad? I want you to be my dad. I want to sit on your knee right now.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in [[w:John Lewis (department store)|John Lewis]].)
:'''Jez:''' Mummy, coffee, fucky hurry uppy.
:'''Mark:''' (Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with [[w:Nuts magazine|Nuts magazine]].)
:'''Jez:''' Did you bring those CDs like I told you?
:'''Jackie:''' Oh yes, they're in my handbag. Shall I fetch them?
:'''Jez:''' Might be an idea. Oh, and guess what, you forgot to top-up my phone. Again.
:'''Mark:''' Sorry, Jez, is there some reason why you're being so incredibly rude to your mum?
:'''Jez''' Oh, right, stick up for mummy. You don't know her, Mark. You don't know her tricks. Anyway, what's it to you? Do you want to fuck my mum, is that it? Mum, Mark wants to fuck you.
:'''Mark''' Shut up, Jeremy.
:'''Jez''' He definitely wants to fuck you, Mum.
:'''Jackie''' Stop showing off to Mark, Jeremy.
:'''Jez''' Me? I'm not the one dressed like a prossy.
:'''Mark:''' Please, Jez! This level of conflict may be usual for you, but it's not healthy - I'm going to have a heart attack!
:'''Jez:''' Oh, and I suppose your relationship with ''your'' mum is healthy, is it? Sitting in silence watching [[w:Taggart|Taggart]]. Thirty years of mutual resentment eating away at you.
:'''Mark:''' We like Taggart. Even the new ones.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Martin:''' Do you write at all?
:'''Mark:''' Well...I did once start a business book and I've always fancied doing an article about the [[w:Battle of Greece|evacuation of Greece in 1941]] for the local paper. Not that it would really fit in with all the kebab shop stabbings.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (It's fascinating. Everything that can kill a man is fascinating... guns, electric chairs, paracetemol, [[w:lead piping|lead piping]])

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' You really do have to get over this thing with your mum - you're not [[w:Hamlet|Hamlet]]. Stop being Hamlet.
:'''Jez:''' Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet when you stop being...
:'''Mark:''' (He can't think of a Shakespearean character!)
:'''Jez:''' ... a massive twat.
:'''Mark:''' (Ha! He couldn't even think of Romeo! Romeo's easy!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (This is great! Why was I anxious? I'm in my element. Older people are still people. They're just people who think when they open a new window on the computer the previous window has disappeared for good.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (YES!!! No-one else I know would have found that funny, but I was right to think it was amusing!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I would literally stab a baby to do it!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (This is a fantastic evening. I've become a military historian and Jeremy's future happiness rests in my hands...And I've got a tiramisu. This is fucking amazing!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Jez - can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Come on Mark, don't piss on my strawberries.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Is she straight? Gay? Doesn't bother me, just nice to know. It's not like I'm a homophobe. But it's good to know who you are. Stay safe. Praise the food, the lukewarm, disgusting food.) This food is superb.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' How was the rest of your evening with Peaches Stalin?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' It sounds like you've been raped, by a soldier, like in a [[w:Mike Leigh|Mike Leigh]] film.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Natalie:''' I tell you what, let's make this next one an Irish wine.
:'''Mark:''' Well, what's an Irish wine? (Look at me, talking happily to a lesbian about war and Irish wine. Good job you're dead [[w:Norman Mailer|Norman Mailer]] cos there's a new [[w:Gonzo journalism|Gonzo]] in town.)
:'''Natalie:''' Whiskey usually makes me horny. It's a horny drink.
:'''Mark:''' (When did we stop saying randy, I wonder. Horny has driven randy out)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Hello Natalie, how's your dad?
:'''Mark:''' Jez, don't.
:'''Natalie:''' Yeah, fine thank you.
:'''Jez:''' Enjoying my money, is he? Is he lying in a bath of my money ''nude'', after having sex with my mum ''nude''?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I'm having an orgasm against my will!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' You, my friend, are a rape victim. [...] Do you have feelings of guilt and shame, self-loathing?
:'''Mark:''' You know I do - don't load the question!
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.
:'''Jez:''' Well, it's not bum-rape, no.
:'''Super Hans:''' Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe that was actually good sex? Loosen up, Corrigan - that's what happens in the bedroom now: no old fashioned fumbling and kissing, a lesbian rapes you whilst you dream about your mother. It's edgy.).
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Please don't shit on my dreams. I don't want shit on my dreams.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' War is never a picnic. Although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors a lot.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' If they can't get to [[w:Corfu|Corfu]], they can't spend my money. That's physics.

===''Jeremy's Manager'' [5.5]===

:''[Cally is signing up Jez and Super Hans' band]''
:'''Cally:''' Any questions?
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, there are certain countries within the European Union that I'm barred from entering. You got a problem with that?
:'''Jeremy:''' I'm a very sexual performer. Are you going to be able to handle that?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Wow, we've finally met the man. And the man is a woman. And he's hot!
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Wow, this is definitely happening. Okay, got to focus. It's very important for my future career development that I give my manager an orgasm.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Jeremy's getting a manager. I'm getting divorced. Maybe he'll end up happy and successful and I won't. That would be typical! I do everything society demands and die in a ditch, he sits on his arse an accidently shits a golden egg!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Cally:''' It's so frustrating. There must be thousands of cash-rich and time-poor singles out there, I just don't have the time to meet them. I'm a gap in the market, somebody fill me!
:'''Mark:''' (I'll fill you!! I love you, Cally! You are the one! Let's get married by Alan Sugar and live off all-butter croissants in Canary Wharf!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' We want to wallow in our own filth, Mark. Have a good old fucking wallow.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' A suitcase with wheels? Real men don't get the earth to carry their luggage for them, mate. They carry it themselves.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Cally:''' I thought you were a business brain Mark, but you're better than that. You're what my grandma would call 'a real piece of shit'
....
:'''Cally:''' Do you want to date? Are you a dater?
:'''Mark''': (Well, err, I have been out with women...so I guess...)
....
:'''Mark''': (Wow, I've got a date! I'm a real piece of shit! I bet those two things go hand-in-hand. I bet if I got into defrauding pensioners, the pussy would really start rolling in.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark''': (God, I can't believe I'm dating someone I really like. I've done it right! I've done it right for once!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Cally:''' How could you possibly make one of these [crystal skulls] except by some type of magic?
:'''Mark:''' In a factory...from glass.
:'''Cally:''' Oh sure, c'mon! Could you make that?
:'''Mark:''' No.
:'''Cally:''' Could ANYONE?
:'''Mark:''' Yes.
:'''Cally:''' Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we're going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.
:'''Mark:''' (Please don't make me believe in them.)
:'''Cally:''' Do you believe?
:'''Mark:''' I do believe in crystal skulls.
:'''Cally:''' And what do you believe about them?
:'''Mark:''' I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're powerful centres of healing.
:'''Cally:''' There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
:'''Mark:''' (Sorry science. Sorry [[w:Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]]. Sorry logic.)
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Mark and Cally are in bed after having sex together]''
:'''Mark:''' (Well, that was great. Apart from the skull sending out its invisible rays of bullshit, I think that might be my best ever sexual experience)
:'''Cally:''' Okay, I think we have to have a talk. About the whole thing.
:'''Mark:''' I'm sorry? The whole...?
:'''Cally:''' The whole sexual experience. I have to say, that was very disappointing.
:'''Mark:''' Oh, right.
:'''Cally:''' I don't mean to be rude, but is that the kind of thing you usually do?
:'''Mark:''' Well, I suppose, in general....what, what exactly did I do wrong?
:'''Cally:''' Well, it was better than with Jeremy though. With Jeremy, I had to stop him in the middle.
:'''Mark:''' You stopped Jeremy in the middle?
:'''Cally:''' Sorry, is this weird for you, do you want to know?
:'''Mark:''' [reluctantly] I do...a bit
:'''Cally:''' He's like a [[w:red setter|red setter]] bounding after a tennis ball, you're like a captain solemnly going down with his ship.
:'''Mark:''' Well, well that's good to know.
:'''Cally:''' But we can try again, just as long as you're prepared for me to tell you exactly what to do?
:'''Mark:''' That could be a good system.
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Mark and Jez are at a Christian rock festival]''
:'''Mark:''' (Look at them all - the Christians. It's not fair. I could be that happy if I believed in a lot of rubbish.)
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Jeremy's been baptised]''
:'''Jeremy:''' There's like a 1 per cent chance the whole Jesus thing is true. In which case I'll have something to pull out of the bag on Judgement Day.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark''': (Oh God. He's in a raft drifting towards [[w:Niagara Falls|Niagara Falls]], flicking through Heat magazine with one hand down his trousers.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': We'd be selling our souls.
:'''Super Hans''': Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': She's trying to shaft me, Mark! You've gotta dump her, it's a no-brainer.
:'''Mark''': It is not a no-brainer. I'll have to think about it. It's a brainer. It's a real brainer. See the thing is, I don't think I've ever done sex right before.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh, you're fine, mate. Stick with Missionary, you're a sexual civilian. Leave the disgusting stuff to me.
:'''Mark''': Cally's teaching me, she's giving me second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long
:'''Jeremy:''' That's cheating! Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask, that's the whole point.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': So, did Cally tell you about her and me...much?
:'''Mark''': No, no, God no. Don't worry, nothing like that. (She stopped him in the middle! I'll save that for a rainy day! That's money in the bank!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': (Christian security guard? What's he gonna do, excommunicate me?)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (The one is giving me the finger and driving away. There's the familar gut punch of pain and loneliness. Hello, old friend.)

===''Mark's Women'' [5.6]===

:'''Mark:''' Hey Jez!
:'''Jez:''' Oh, hi Mark.
:'''Mark:''' This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.
:'''Jez:''' That's great. Good for you.
:'''Mark:''' (Uh-oh, the ghost at the feast, better take the mustard off.)
:'''Mark:''' Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?
:'''Jez:''' I've just been doing alot of thinking.
:'''Mark:''' (Oh shit.)
:'''Jez:''' Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I feel guilty about everything, from the pollution caused by Chinese industrialisation to not wearing some pairs of boxers as much as others. I'm sorry, stripey blue - you're just too tight.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Dobby - the acceptable face of woman. I hardly have to modify my behaviour at all in her company. I really think she might be the one.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Is that... it? No sarcastic putdown, no casual kick in the balls? Maybe it's because she's been smoking drugs... Good old drugs).

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe I'm Shaft. Maybe I'm Trump. Yeah, I'm Trump, in my dirty, wiggy tower.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Look at me! Drunken one night stand. I mean, she is my wife. Still, finally got to use my bachelor's emergency condom.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Hope she's not pregnant. It's been ages, she hasn't mentioned it. She won't be pregnant. It's not like I'm a Royal Marine with super sperm.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Johnson:''' I'm not running a rehab clinic. This is a maximum security business institution.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Sophie:''' I've actually, I've got some news. Big news.
:'''Mark:''' Oh yes? (Please don't say you're pregnant. Please don't say you're pregnant.)
:'''Sophie:''' I'm pregnant.
:'''Mark:''' (FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!) [Calmly] Right, you're pregnant. Of course.
:'''Sophie:''' I did three home tests last night and they were all positive.
:'''Mark:''' Only three?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh fiddlesticks. Of course, I'm having a baby. Great, I'll probably drop it or it'll grow up and write a bitter memoir about how distant I was.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Just gotta say the right words - can think about what they mean later.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God, I can't fire anyone. I'm like [[w:British Leyland|British Leyland]] in 1976.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Are you angry?
:'''Mark:''' You had sex with my wife, Jeremy!! That's quite a number, even for you. But then, on the other hand, I was definitely having a baby which, to be honest, wasn't really on my to do list for the year, so in a way, things are looking up.
:'''Jez:''' Such a relief to tell you. It's been ever so weird ever since it happened. I've had this really bad feeling, like in my brain.
:'''Mark:''' It's called guilt, Jeremy. Most people feel it quite a bit when they've done something wrong.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' And...what about the...issue?
:'''Mark:''' Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway. So there's no need to know whose it is.
:'''Jez:''' Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!
:'''Mark:''' Right. (Oh Jesus)
:'''Jez:''' (Oh Jesus)

== Series 6 ==

===''Jeremy at JLB'' [6.1]===

:'''Super Hans:''' You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK.
:'''Jeremy:''' Jesus.. You are something else.
:'''Mark:''' Thank you very much.
:'''Jeremy:''' (He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' One small spritzer, half a unit. Should I have got written permission?
:'''Mark:''' Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.
:'''Jez:''' ''[Stroking the leather]'' It's a creamy elephant!
:'''Mark:''' Please don't call it the creamy elephant.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (I'm becoming the Fuhrer - the Fuhrer of Laughs!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I'm Russell Brand, and he's lovely Andrew Sachs.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Oh my god! It's wheels within wheels! I've been invited inside, with the bean counters and the water boarders!
:'''Mark:''' (At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.)

<hr width="50%" />

:''[The fire alarm goes off at JLB]''
:'''Jeremy:''' ..what's?
:'''Mark:''' Fire alarm.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh god, look at you. Frightened little mouse.
:'''Mark:''' It's a fire alarm Jeremy!
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh yeah, right, like there's a fire! There's never a fire, Mark, it just doesn't happen! I mean, maybe in a film, but...
:'''Mark:''' So what? There's never been a fire, anywhere?
:'''Jeremy:''' Not in an office, in England. God, you're pathetic! Ooh, fire! Please don't burn me or my posessions! I'm so important and flammable!
:'''Mark:''' Is this a test?
:'''Security Guard:''' No, not a test.
:'''Jeremy:''' Come on, Mark! Fucking hell, get your elbows in! It's all gone backdraft!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' I thought I might do a skit with Dobbie.
:'''Jez:''' Oh, I get it! The smell of the grease-paint, the swish of the curtain, the rub-job in the dressing room.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Discussing both being fired]''
:'''Jeremy:''' They've really screwed us, man!
:'''Mark:''' They've screwed me, they've diddled you at best.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Well, got Dobbie, but there goes the Nazi gold, back in the vault with all the Rembrandt's')

===''The Test'' [6.2]===
:''[Mark and Jez see Elena at the supermarket]''
:'''Mark:''' She is very attractive. But brown rice and Pop Tarts? Camomile tea and economy vodka? That's a car crash of a shopping basket.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (He actually thinks he has suave spermatazoa. He characterises his sperms!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' ''[Trying to operate the new boiler]'' Obey my commands, [[w:Blake's 7|Orac]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Mark, just because today was the first time you have ever, ever, EVER successfully arranged a date with a woman, does not suddenly make you Alfie, ok?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Why do you insist on seeing the anus as some sort of human USB port, just waiting to have all kinds of hardware plugged into it?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jeremy:''' Fork my leg.
:'''Mark:''' I do sort of want to but... no, too weird!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' We are ''not'' equals-pequals!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:'''You haven't drunk all the difficult conversation wine, have you?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!
:'''Mark:''' Yes it does.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh god. Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' (Yeah! Russian men are probably all infertile! Thanks Chernobyl!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Condom, condom, condom. Although maybe, two?
:'''Dobby:''' Two condoms?
:'''Mark:''' Two's company. In fact, maybe I should go for a third. Three is the magic number. (I've got to tell her. I couldn't slide this in anyway. It'll be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Shove that up your bollocks!

===''Jeremy in Love'' [6.3]===

:'''Mark:''' (Dobby: the anxious self-hating man's crumpet. But probably best if I never ever say that to her.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God, there's a baby in there, about the size of a croissant. A terrifying, life-altering croissant-baby!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Oh and I saw the porn she was looking at! Man, it's hot! She's got great taste, it was the most fantastic porn I've ever seen.
:'''Mark:''' Isn't it just the usual dead-eyed men fucking dead-eyed women in a desperate world of pain?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' I don't want to tempt fate, but I think everything is going to be totally great forever.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Always wipe, Mark. Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe. That's the rhyme.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Oh my giddy arse!

:'''Jez:''' She's the one person for me, in the whole world.
:'''Mark:''' Isn't it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you, instead of in a village in Mozambique?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Why does everything have to be fun to be worthwhile? Crick and Watson have discovered the double helix. Did they do it on a skateboard? No? Well fuck off then, I'm not interested.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Sophie:''' Obviously it would be really great if you were happy but it's not the most pressing thing.
:'''Mark:''' No... no, of course not.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Why do you have to bring worry and doubt into everything? You're like some kind of mad evangelist for anxiety!
:'''Mark:''' (Lots to go around old son. I'm probably a few grams lighter now.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Sophie:''' When our child looks up at you, I want them to see a happy, contented role model - not some grey faced, dull eyed drone who's hated his job and his life for years.
:'''Mark:''' (Must ring Dad).
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Oh dear, he's having an episode. Should I... ''put my hand on his arm''? No. That sets a precedent.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' I don't want to take another wank bullet. What, am I some kind of wank shield!?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on.
:'''Jez:''' Oh, don't be a cock!
:'''Mark:''' I'm not a cock, but the cock has certainly crowed... thrice.
:'''Jez:''' When? What are you talking about?
:'''Mark:''' It means you've betrayed me, it's the New Testament. You cock!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I don't think I wiped off that porn you recommended.
:'''Jez:''' I didn't recommend it Mark. I'm not Timeout.
:'''Mark:''' Yes you did - you gave it five stars!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' That's the single nicest thing Jez has ever done for me and it's completely ruined my life.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' It's a great boiler, it's just got a very idiosyncratic control panel. It's like the Jesus and Mary Chain of central heating control systems, difficult to get into initially, but then- so much to explore!

===''The Affair'' [6.4]===

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' So you'll buy tissue paper for me to wipe my sphincter, but you won't buy a bit of lube to aid the giving and receiving of pleasure?
:'''Mark:''' That's right.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Elena:''' Gail’s in Mensa. She reads books. For fun!

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Me and this Gail, we're just eating from different sides of the plate. I play woodwind, she's on brass.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' In, fire thirty percent of the workforce, new logo, ''boom'', out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Stick it on the laterbase!

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Print you damnable fudger.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Elena:''' Isn’t there a saying in life: “Whatever you don’t know makes you stronger”?
:'''Mark:''' No.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Elena:''' Maybe it would be better if you told him.
:'''Mark:''' Better for who? For you?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Gail:''' I'm in a relationship, Mark...and it's a same-sex relationship. And I don't find you attractive. Even speaking objectively.
:'''Mark:''' (Great! The big triple: uninterested, unavailable and physically repulsed.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (It’s NOT wireless! It doesn’t say it’s wireless… It needs wires!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' I'm freezing. Could you throw me a rope?
:'''Mark:''' I haven’t got a rope.
:'''Jez:''' What do you mean, you haven’t got a rope?
:'''Mark:''' I don't own a rope! I don't own a boat, or any cattle, or any of the things that ropes are useful for. What the hell would you do with a rope, anyway?
:'''Jez:''' Climb up it!
:'''Mark:''' Oh, sure. Climb up it, using your ''strength''.
:'''Jez:''' Well, you could pull me up.
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, I could haul you up using my ''muscles''.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' (What a bastard! Destroys my perfect love just because it's built on lies!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' It'd be like picking off bystanders with a sniper rifle: fun at first, but it would quickly become a depressing chore.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Suze! Have you seen the big scissors? Have you moved the big scissors?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Even a dried up, dessicated old branflake on toast like you should be able to see that!
:'''Mark:''' (If I’m a branflake, he’s a slutty Sugar Puff!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Did you make the bed? You're not my wife, Mark. I had a wife, I don't need another bullet in the head...okay? Righty righty!
:'''Mark:''' (I made his bed and got his tea, I ''am'' his wife!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' I’m like Raffles! No? No clothes for Raffles. Raffles doesn’t deserve clothes.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' You've known for two whole days! That's...sick!

===''The Party'' [6.5]===

:'''Dobby''': Hey Mark!!
:'''Mark''': Hi Dobbs. I just happened to be passing. I remember you were saying if I happened to be passing.. (Two buses here, three buses home. Five convenient buses.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': Oh God, I can't believe I'm having a party!
:'''Jez''': I am so proud of you. There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing no-fly-zone with ten foot carrot up his ass.
:'''Mark''': Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex.
:'''Jez''': This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (Oh god this could be a disaster. I want a night of edgy banter and tipsy indiscretions, he wants us all lying around in our pants flinging shit at each other.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Big of you, inviting him.
:'''Mark''': I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' I need to get Gerrard incredibly fucked. Booze, drugs, whatever.
:'''Jez:''' Chemical castration; classic.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Will you excuse me? I've got to go and give that ill-looking man an enormous drink.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Only downside is no Dobby. If it peaks before Dobby gets here, I've wasted good party.
:'''Jez:''' Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.
:'''Mark:''' What, like start a message and then say "Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I've got too much tit in my mouth."?
:'''Jez:''' Exactly
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Oh god, Elena.
:'''Mark''': ....
:'''Jez''': This is not all my chickens coming home to roost, Mark, all right? Don't stand there thinking it is.
:'''Mark''': I'm not Jez. (This is all his chickens coming home to roost. It's a roost-a-thon.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Good Will to all men! (Did I just say 'Good will to all men')
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Big Suze''': Mark - there's something wrong in the loo.
:'''Mark''': (God, she looks like she's witnessed a war crime.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Super Hans''': All right Jez.
:'''Jez''': Yeah, um, just an idea, would it be okay mate if you fucked off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Dobby, Come in. No need to explain what the hell you've been doing till this time.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Dobby mustn't see Gerrard. He's gone over the edge of reason. Get rid of him!
:'''Jez:''' Aye aye, captain.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Gayle. Great you could make it.
:'''Gayle''': Hi Jez.
:'''Jez''': (You're about to get dumped. Have a lager.)
:'''Gayle''': Thanks!
:'''Jez''': (Come on in to your emotional torture pit.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie''': What days do you want, Mark?
:'''Mark''': (I don't know, Easter and Shrove Tuesday?)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': (She's so suggestable, like a sexy robot anybody can hack into and program. Oh there it goes, lesbian kiss - and no one minds! Where are all the homophobes when you need them? God, people are so fickle.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Great. Gerrard gets Dobby and I get a pukey bucket of snake.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' (Oh what a disaster. Love is all you need. No, actually, Beatles. You also need a person to do it with; Beatles.

===''Das Boot'' [6.6]===

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (God she's huge. It's like Alien, if the alien was a human. Hmm, If I had to choose would I rather an alien burst out of my chest quickly, or was heaved out of my vagina slowly?)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (He'll never be a lad.Boy to geek to drone.Thats the Corrigan trajectory)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Sophie? Jeff says the baby's a boybe. Is it a boybe?
:'''Sophie:''' Yes!
:'''Mark:''' Right... almost makes it seem real.
:'''Sophie:''' Well it is real.
:'''Mark:''' Of course. (Totally doesn't feel real. maybe 1% more real now)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' I've been thinking about names, have you been thinking about names?
:'''Mark:''' Soph, it's early doors yet, we've a month and some weeks to go (I can get to Argentina in a month. Argentina and a face transplant?)
:'''Sophie:''' I was thinking 'Tarquin Oliver Nimrod'.
:''[Mark bursts out laughing]''
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' What would you call him? Mark? Mark Mark Corrigan III?
:'''Mark:''' No! Of course not, something... normal.
:'''Sophie:''' What's normal?
:'''Mark:''' I dunno.. Bruce, or something.
:'''Sophie:''' Bruce!?
:'''Mark:''' No, not Bruce.
:'''Sophie:''' Did you just say Bruce?
:'''Mark:''' No, I didn't mean Bruce, just a name in that area.
:'''Sophie:''' Little Bruce?
:'''Mark:''' No, not Bruce. Just a name like Bruce, not even that much like Bruce!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''':(I'll stick with My high fat foods which will eventually kill Me and My play which is obviously never gonna happen)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''':(This would be so much easier if She wasn't a person with hopes and dreams and grasping clinging Arms)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''':(Its great being a wedding guest.You get to be an unpaid extra in the climactic scene of someone else's Rom-Com)
<hr width="50%" />
:''[Sophie hands Mark an envelope]''
:'''Mark''': (Hate mail? In person?!)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish, moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation. But you my friend are not evil.

== Series 7 ==
:'''Mark''':(He brings the insufferable music and then leaves. He's like the 1980s.)

:'''Mark''': Killing your enemies is a simple solution. Probably why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon

:'''Jez''':(No milk. Not black tea. I'm not some kind of monster!)

:'''Jez''': Zara says we have only one thing to fear, and that's fear itself..It's a clever saying, isn't it?
:'''Mark''': And what about losing all your money, or shitting yourself in public, or the tabloid press mistakingly outing you as a paedo or Alzheimer's patient, or all of those things plus you're drowning?

=== ''St Hospitals'' [7.1] ===
:''[Mark on Caesarian section]''
:'''Mark:''' (Holy fuck, living innards! I thought now it'd be all high tech, chip and pin, not London Dungeon!)

=== ''Man Jam'' [7.2] ===
:'''Mark''': (Never go to war with Stalin, Gerard. Uncle Joe doesn't play by your rules.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Supporting the woman whose partner is in a coma]''
:'''Jez''': We need to get you some answers. Is he going to pull through? You need to know. (I need to know. Right now I'm the supporting character in a weepy when I want to be the leading man in a porno.)

=== ''A Beautiful Mind'' [7.3] ===
:'''Mark''': ''[Watching Jeremy try to read Wuthering Heights]'' (Fascinating. It's like watching a sheep try to use an iPhone.)

=== ''Nether Zone'' [7.4] ===
:'''Jez''': Why do they have these brushes anyway? Who wants brushed post?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the ''masturbate-athon'' that is your life, to go to my son's christening?

=== ''Seasonal Beatings'' [7.5] ===
:'''Jez''': I'm a Christmasist.

=== ''New Year's Eve'' [7.6] ===
:'''Mark''': I would have found that funnier if I hadn't been literally weeping in fear.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez''': Not the Hootenanny!? Never the Hootenanny! We're better than that.

== Series 8 ==

=== ''Jeremy Therapised'' [8.1] ===

:'''Jez''': (We could be the Chemical Toilet Brothers.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (So great that Dobby's agreed to move in. Just gotta close the deal. Get her into the flat and keep her locked down like [[w:Fritzl|Fritzl]]. No, not like Fritzl, like a nice normal loving guy who knows where she is at all times. Which at no point would be locked in the cellar.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Jeff?!
:'''Mark:''' I think it's okay. Or do you think there's any chance he's trying to kill all of my offspring. Like [[w:Herod|Herod]].
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Dobby:''' Oh, Jez, Mark told me about you burning the band. Are you okay?
:'''Jez''': Yeah. I'm too big to fail.
:'''Mark:''' He doesn't know what that means.
:'''Jez''': I ''do'' know what that means.
:'''Mark:''' (He ''doesn't'' know what that means.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (What if I broke the microwave? Test case: if she buys a new one I know she's never moving in.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Yes Gerrard, but there's a sting in the tail, a scorpion in the Kinder Egg, a nail in the Toblerone, and… 'tis I.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Maybe Ian won't remember I gave him away to another man. If he does, he'll be some kind of memory genius. Yeah, my son hates me, but he can remember a full deck of cards and that's why he lives in Vegas.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' I've always got the Three 0h Walcott millions. 
:'''Mark:''' Jeremy's planning to sell the headline "Three Oh Walcott" to a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns thirty, and we've agreed not to argue whether that's a good plan. 
:'''Jez:''' It is a good plan. 
:'''Mark:''' I know.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' (Right, therapy. What do I really want from therapy? A harsh, unremitting stare at the bare facts of my actual life. Ah, fuck that, he's eating a Twix! I can't take him seriously.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Hang on, this is prime therapy time. Oh I get it, the lady doth eat bhaji too much, methinks. I've seen behind the curtain. Ahoy there, moral high ground. He's wasting five hundred of my pounds, and it feels fantastic!)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' What did he die of? 
:'''Dobby:''' Flu. 
:'''Mark:''' He died of flu? Hey, Jeremy, Gerrard's died of flu. 
:'''Jez:''' Bull-shit 
:'''Mark:''' Seriously. 
:'''Jez:''' Bloody hell, that is SO Gerrard. 
:'''Mark:''' I know.
:'''Dobby:''' He had a weak immune system Mark. 
:'''Jez:''' He had a weak everything, to be fair Dobs.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (The reproachful, but still quite irritating, voice from beyond the grave.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Funeral parlour, massage parlour - those are the main parlours, aren't they? What's the link, both lying down? Except, pizza parlour?)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Interview then funeral, the ultimate combo. Minicab waiting, same outfit for both.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (This is a mega-funeral. It was a mega-interview. Hugh was the only real rival, but look what's happened to Gerrard. This is what I do to rivals, I put my rivals in the ground.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Well played Gerard, you couldn't beat me on Earth so now you're shitting on me from heaven, like a dead jealous pidgeon)

=== ''Business Secrets of the Pharaohs'' [8.2] ===

:'''Mark:''' (This must be the greatest quantity of squeezable mustard ever present at a literary lunch.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' Look, I'm just going to say this. I love you Celia. (So great for a first date. Stone cold classic.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Celia:''' That is so true.
:'''Jez:''' (Of course it's true. I just made it up.)

=== ''Big Mad Andy'' [8.4] ===

:'''Mark:''' Robert, is Super Hans my boss now? Have you just promoted him?
:'''Robert:''' Well that depends how you define "boss".
:'''Mark:''' In the normal way?
:'''Robert:''' Then yes, he is.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I'm guessing: cat
:'''Mark:''' (Yes, and this cat's going to help me lure Dobby in, like a classic 70s paedo with a [[w:Ford Granada (Europe)|Ford Grenada]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dobby:''' We will do this for real, right? We will go [[w:interrailing|interrailing]]?
:'''Mark:''' (Ohh, she's insatiable. I don't want to sleep with strangers in hostels and never have a proper relaxed poo.) Yeah, sure.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' I've got medical training, I've got a certificate.
:'''Mark:''' I gave you the certificate. It's utterly meaningless.
:'''Jez:''' In a way, aren't all so called qualifications meaningless?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Wow, you're like a sexy, human, [[w:Duncan Bannatyne|Duncan Bannatyne]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Am I expecting to have adulterous sex with Stephanie? I don't know. I did put my nice pants on. But then I also wore those to the [[w:Thames Diamond Jubilee Pageant|Jubilee pageant]])

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (What can I get away with before it's sure-fire infidelity? A kiss on the lips? Some people say hello like that. Touch the waist? Another innocent greeting gesture. As long as she doesn't rub my penis. No-one says hello like that, other than in prison.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (You're not letting me steal your girlfriend you total bastard.)

=== ''Chairman Mark'' [8.5] ===

:'''Jez''': (Good old fate. It does the hard work so you don't have to. Or am I thinking of flash?)
<hr width="50%" />

=== ''Quantocking II'' [8.6] ===

:'''Mark:''' Well, me and Dobby make a great team... Opposites attract!
:'''Jez:''' No they don't. Not really. That's just something scientists and people in horrible relationships say.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': I'll kill you, Jeremy, for trying to steal Dobby, and electrocuting me, and destroying my fucking pie!

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Peep Show (TV series)}}

[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Current shows]]

Peep Show

2014-06-04T00:08:47Z

YKWSG: /* Nether Zone [7.4] */

'''''[[w:Peep Show (TV series)|Peep Show]]''''' is a British sitcom that started airing in 2003 and stars David Mitchell and Robert Webb. Lines in parentheses represent internal monologue spoken by the actors in voice-over.

== Series 1 ==

=== ''Warring Factions'' [1.1] ===

:'''Jez''' (This is fucking wicked. I'm almost definitely a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo... on my chest... but... of my face. Yeahh! Double me! Feel it!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (You're not a paedo. You're definitely not a paedo.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[While boarding the bus]''
:'''Mark:''' (Yes! "I am the lord of the bus!" said he.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Women don't like your hands under their bottoms, Mark. That's been established, that's a given.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad. Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a very big read. )

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''TV:''' I'm basically looking to meet someone like myself.
:'''Mark:''' (Pfftt. That's exactly the opposite of what I'm looking for.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Now I know how whatshisname felt when he finished the Mona Lisa... Knackered.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I don't want to go to [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waitrose Waitrose]. I want a fuckbuddy.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' What does your sister do?
:'''Toni:''' Not much. She's got leukaemia.
:'''Mark:''' (That's what you get for trying to flirt.)
:'''Mark:''' That's terrible. I'm so sorry. I suppose... I mean, at least it's not cancer.'
:'''Toni:''' It's a form of cancer.
:'''Mark:''' Man. That's terrible. My gran... died of cancer. Although, hopefully, your sister... won't. Obviously. Listen, let's talk about something else. Something fun.'

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe he doesn't mind. Maybe nobody minds about things as much as me.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (You can have good relationships with people who scare you. Just look at me and dad.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You know Kerry, cancer Kerry, I need to find out, for a friend, the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about, do you remember?
:'''Jez:''' Sure. It was Doctor Ying Fu Yip... Wang Shong... Pang Fang Wang... Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.
:'''Mark:''' Oh right. I see. I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Oh what? So... Mr... Ocean Colour Pants doesn't get it? Well, quelle fucking surprise.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' It's not who you know... It's who you blow.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Boy:''' Hey look, it's clean shirt.
:'''Mark:''' (Clean shirt? What does that even mean? Isn't that good?)
:...
:'''Boy:''' Fuck off clean shirt!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' You're a posh spaz.
:'''Mark:''' Oh really? Well I'd love to know in what way I am a posh spaz.
:'''Jez:''' In the way that you do posh, spazzy things like... tidying up and... ironing your socks.
:'''Mark:''' I do not iron my socks!
:'''Jez:''' Socks, shirts, whatever!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Toni:''' I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's shit.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (If I laugh at everything she says, I'm bound to at least get a suck job.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (Jesus. How did I get trapped with her? She's definitely the most boring person here.) ''[Looks at group of people]'' (I mean, they look great, they're probably talking about how they're going to make a real life porn movie with a proper story and everything... I could do the music.)

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:'''Jez:''' (I mean, you can't catch cancer... I'd have heard... Someone would've said...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Listen to you, you beautiful... crazy thing... I meant, the cancer.
:'''Paula:''' I'm sorry? Which cancer?
:'''Jez:''' The bloody cancer! Eating you away!
:'''Paula:''' Ok... Would you like it if I did have cancer?

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Leaving Sophie on the bus, having failed miserably to woo Toni the previous night]''
:'''Mark:''' (Yeah that's the way, Sophie is the one. Toni is Russia: Vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie is Poland: Manageable... won't put up too much of a fight.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' See, by the winter of 42, the whole city was surrounded by the massed 6th army, it was pressing and pressing, the Russians couldn't hold on much longer, many wanted to submit...
:'''Toni:''' Mark, you know I just don't bang anyone, yeah. I'm not some kind of next-door fuck jar.
:'''Mark:''' No, no, of course not, what I mean is that the German supply lines were stretched, Zhukov countered and the siege was broken. And that's the story of Stalingrad.

<hr width="50%"/>

=== ''The Interview'' [1.2] ===

:'''Mark:''' ''[Putting on socks.]'' (I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears. Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes, is the answer to that. Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that’s the rule. Makes a man look scary – like a chicken.) ''[Jeremy walks by, wearing only socks.]'' (He just does not give one solitary shit.)

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:'''Mark:''' ''[Before having toast for breakfast]'' (Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown is savoury, white's the treat. Of course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.)

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:'''Jez:''' Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our new track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off... he literally couldn't... he actually physically couldn't do it.

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:'''Mark:''' (Work-shy freeloader.)
:'''Jez:''' (Tight-fisted cockmuncher.)

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:'''Jez:''' (You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you; they'd be off their tits.)

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:'''Mark:''' (I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no. Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.)

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:'''Mark:''' (People like him should wear stickers; they've got them for their cars. Oh, yeah, great idea, Adolf.)

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:'''Mark:''' How's your day going thus far? Did you have a nice shower or bath?
:'''Sophie:''' Why, do I smell?
:'''Mark:''' God, no, you don't smell. I mean, you smell nice. Not that I've smelt you.

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:'''Jez:''' (Super Hans said he'll be here in twenty minutes. That means I've got at least an hour.)

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:'''Mark:''' ''[Drawing a cartoon.]'' (What the hell is that? That is very gay, that's what that is. Come on, go crazy. You're hungry, like the wolf.)

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:'''Jez:''' We are NOT the Hair Blair Bunch!

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:''[Changing his mind about leaving the Nazi cartoon on Sophie's desk]''
:'''Mark''' (A bloody ''swastika''! That is the single worst, single, bloody idea ''ever''. I mean, a swastika!?) ''[Discovers the cartoon has disappeared from Sophie's desk]'' (It's gone! It's happened! Oh yeah, do what Jeremy would do! Thanks Jeremy you ''tit''!) ''[Bangs his head twice against wall]''

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Toni:''' So, what you're saying is, these products are essential? The kind of products no one could do without?
:'''Jez:''' Well... You're kind of making me say that.

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:'''Mark:''' (She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody ''swastika''.)

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:'''Mark:''' ''[Trying to open his desk drawer]'' (Why don't I get this fixed? Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?! Every night it's f... Ah, it always comes out eventually, fuck it.)

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:'''Mark:''' I mean, not that.

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:'''Jez:''' The first thing to say would be that this is ''not'' pyramid selling.
:'''Mark:''' You're doing pyramid selling?!
:'''Jez:''' No, no, ''not'' pyramid selling.
:'''Mark:''' I can't believe you're into pyramid selling.
:'''Jez:''' Listen, listen. It's not pyramid selling, it's... network... marketing and it's a guaranteed money making... Mark! I've seen the, the charts!
:'''Mark:''' Oh the "charts". There are "charts". Why didn't you tell me about the "charts".
:'''Jez:''' Are you... trying to... piss on my bonfire?
:'''Mark:''' I'm trying to... protect you from... pissing all over yourself.
:'''Jez:''' I'm not about to piss... all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the... bigtime.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Listen, Jeremy, you don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red, people don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around, drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
:'''Jez:''' But, yeah, if you get in early ...

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:'''Mark:''' (Maybe she will think it was charming. Yeah, maybe. Just keep clear of her till you've worked out a - I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it ... because he's a crackhead and he does that sort of thing all the time. Yeah, that sounds great. Me living in my crackhouse. Maybe you could be a crackbitch and sit on my -)
:''[He sees Sophie]''
:(Shit! Shit, sugar, fudge, piss, poopants, bollocks.) ''[In the stationery cupboard.]'' (Blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes! You can't touch me in the Ardennes.)

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:'''Mark:''' (Everything's okay in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.)

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:'''Jeff:''' Mark. You're in the stationery cupboard.
:'''Mark:''' That's right, Jeff.

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:'''Mark:''' (I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just... Jeremy, could you file this for me? Jeremy, could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me?... Jesus! Where did that come from?)

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:''[Interviewing Jeremy, for a filing position]''
:'''Barbara:''' ...now, do you have any experience in this field?
:'''Jez:''' Eh, I've done quite a lot actually, I mean not formal filing, but you know, alphabetabecising the videos, doing the spices, I suppose what I'd want to do is build on that experience in a professional... zone, SPHERE. I meant, sphere. (God, that sounded amazing, don't accidentally get the bugger!)
:'''Barbara:''' You're doing great...
:''[she ticks "Poor" in the "Experience", "Knowledge" and "Performance level" boxes on her sheet]''

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:'''Jez:''' No, challenging is right... Umm... But, a bit more of a relaxing challenge, more like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.

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:'''Jez:''' You're pissing on my bonfire!
:'''Mark:''' There is no bonfire!
:'''Jez:''' That's because you keep pissing on it!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Well that was a fucking disaster. I want compensation. I want reparations. I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again, fuck the inevitable backlash.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth, just for liking you? I like you, and if you can't handle it, you can just, you know, fuck off.

=== ''On The Pull'' [1.3] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Life is all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend that there's anything other than a yawning blankness at the heart of... Hey! 33% extra free! I'm doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind is making me even more frugal than normal.)

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:'''Jez:''' You realise tinned food is just for crackheads and wars.

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:'''Jez:''' I just came here to tell you we've been invited to a very wicked party.
:'''Mark:''' Do I look like the kind of man who goes to wicked parties?

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:'''Jez:''' But, it's better this way... two guys... we've got to get out there! Grooving! Doing it! You know? I mean, it's been a long time for either of us, I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like two weeks!! (Nine months and thirteen days.) I mean look at us! ''[Holds up a tissue box]'' People are going to think we spend the whole time wanking.

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:'''Mark:''' (Ok, well, I'm here, so I'll just sit here and drink. No one can stop me doing that. Just drink myself to death.)

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:''[In a toilet cubicle with Toni, Jeremy and Valerie]''
:'''Mark:''' (I've got to take Jeremy's advice more often: I'm out on a date with a teenage goth, smoking pot in the Lazerbowl toilets... this is ''it''. This is ''literally'', ''it''. This is the sort of thing people do when they're having a good time.)

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:'''Mark:''' (I've been initiated. I am a drug user! Fuck the police!)

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:'''Mark:''' What if I lose it? I'm not gonna do a poo am I, Jez?

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:'''Jez:''' [''Eating chicken wings''] (This should be in the bag. Why isn't this in the bag? She looks like she hates me.) [''Toni looks on in disgust'']
:'''Jez:''' What? It's eat as much as you can.
:'''Toni:''' No, it's eat as much as you'd like. There's no competitive element involved.
:'''Jez:''' At 3.99, I think I know who's winning.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeff:''' So Valerie, who's your favourite member of S Club?
:'''Valerie:''' Oh, I'm not really into them. But I hear they have a big ''gay'' following. ''[mimes oral sex]''

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.

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:'''Mark:''' (Don't think about it. If you don't think about it, it ''won't'' happen.)

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:'''Mark:''' I'm bowling all right, I'm bowling FRUIT! I've reached the next level, I've gone BEYOND!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (She does look kind of great in my pajamas. That's ''sick''. Why is that sick?)

=== ''Mark Makes A Friend'' [1.4] ===

:''[Discussing politicians with Mark and Alan]''
:'''Jez:''' What I mean is that they should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the [[w:Irish Republican Army|IRA]], he's like "Yeah, I shoot people, I like shooting people!" I mean, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it much more interesting if you pick sides.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans''': You passed out after the love beans... thought the table was being ironic.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[In flash back of drug induced state]''
:'''Jez''': (Floss is boss, Floss is boss).
:''[Begins to strangle Super Hans with dental floss]''
:'''Jez''': FLOSS IS BOSS! FLOSS IS BOSS!.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (This is the worst thing to happen to anybody ever.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Good old unfriendly Mr. Patel. Never says a word whether you're buying corn flakes, fabric softener... or gay porn.)

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:'''Super Hans''': We're going to have parties that go beyond fun and actually get a bit nasty.

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:'''Jez:''' Will you walk, like some stupid.. duck? Or will you drive, like [[w:Jeremy_Clarkson|Clarkson]]?

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:'''Jez:''' The bad thing. That was the bad thing.
:''[Cut to shot of Super Hans performing oral sex on Jeremy the previous night]''
:'''Super Hans:''' Alright. My turn now.

=== ''Dream Job'' [1.5] ===

:'''Sophie:''' Are you sure you can get home from here?
:'''Mark:''' Hmmm. (You can never go home again. Winter's coming. Is this Stalingrad? Is this where it all ends?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Look mate, I'm next door. I heard you. Your... noise. Last night.
:'''Super Hans:''' Oh, that. That was nothing. That was... press-ups.
:'''Jez:''' Yep, well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few... a lot.

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:''[Entering Barbara's empty office late at night]''
:'''Mark:''' (Hey Barbara, thought we should have a follow up meeting re: the phones thing... Oh, you're not here.) ''[opens desk drawer]'' (Well, I'll just leave my new idea in your desk, give you time to think about it. Yeah, so my new idea is urine.) ''[urinates into drawer]'' (Loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. What do you think about that? Don't you think that would be just the ticket?) ''[urinates on a folder on the floor]'' (Yeah, you're getting some too!) ''[phone rings, Mark answers]'' JLB Credit, fuck off please!

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:'''Therapist:''' Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association. It's kind of a fun way...
:'''Mark:''' Is it therapy?
:'''Therapist:''' Not really, no. I'll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.
:'''Mark:''' (He's trying to therapise me.)
:'''Therapist:''' Okay, let's start with an obvious one. Work.
:'''Mark:''' (Snake-pit.) Snake... ''charmer''.
:'''Therapist:''' Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.
:'''Mark:''' (Everything.) ...''not'' everything.
:'''Therapist:''' Children.
:'''Mark:''' (Blind.) Uh, short.
:'''Therapist:''' Father.
:'''Mark:''' (Führer.) Football.
:'''Therapist:''' Mother
:'''Mark:''' (Sophie.) Fuck! No, not fuck!

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:'''Therapist:''' Have you ever done a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]]? Just tell me what you see.
:'''Mark:''' (A hairy twat. A hungry, devouring twat) ...a kitten?

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:'''Jez:''' (This was definitely a good idea. There's no chance this wasn't a good idea.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' It's payback time.
:'''Jez:''' And she's paying back... in fear dollars!

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:'''Mark:''' (I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, I kicked a dog to death, and now I'm going to pepperspray an acquaintance. Something ... I mean, what's happened to me?)

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:'''Sophie:''' I hope when you're back on my team, we can get back to normal.
:'''Mark:''' Your team? (Heal and grow. Heal and grow.) Well, I guess it's very nice for the big lady to come down here and talk to the little man. I'm just surprised you can see me from all the way up there in your ivory tower.
:'''Sophie:''' Oh, if you're gonna be like that, you can fuck off.

=== ''Funeral'' [1.6] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Can't do it. It's too much. I'm not American; I can't date.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (I'm gonna blow this gaff wide open.) Uh... yeah. I spent, uh, some time with Ray before he... went and I just wanted to say that, um, I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end... he loved Jesus. Now I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things like science or the stock market and... we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into say, uh... [[w:Enya|Enya]] before, but that now I really really was into Enya and that in fact I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of... Enya. Then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral! Yeah?
:''[Everyone applauds, Liz frowns]''

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Discussing life and death with Mark]''
:'''Sophie:''' Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life...
:'''Mark:''' Right yeah... I mean, if I want an [[w:Xbox|Xbox]], why don't I just get an Xbox?
:'''Sophie:''' ''[confused]'' ...yeah.
:'''Mark:''' (You're losing her) It's a brief candle... a ''bloody'' brief candle.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' ('Abandon self-cherishing, love only others'. Yeah well Mr. [[Dalai Lama]], I suppose you've got to be a suck-up if you haven't got your own country.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Kissing Sophie at Jez's uncle's wake]''
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, my God. Umm... What about my abnormal knackers? Ooh, this is nice. How weird are they? What I really need is a good, long look at another man's bollocks. But that's so fraught with potential problems.)

== Series 2 ==

=== ''Dance Class'' [2.1] ===

:'''Jez:''' There's only so much happiness in the world and they're hoarding it all!
:'''Mark:''' That's not how happiness works! (It completely is.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' What do I know about love and happiness? I know you have to play dirty, my friend.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Yeah, fuck carrot and stick, he's making the stick ''out'' of carrot.)

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:'''Mark:''' (Careful, there's man love and there's business love, and never the twain shall meet.)

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:'''Mark:''' (Yeah, you won't be so cocky Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I'm probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.)

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:'''Mark:''' Dancing? Y-yes... dancing... I love... dancing... (It makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.)

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:'''Jez:''' (God, this is such a mess. It's fantastic.)

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:'''Jez:''' Maybe I should send her a bit of ear. Or a finger. Just to show I'm really serious.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I've walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (Jesus, Mark's such a honky. I'm definitely the alpha-est male here. He's probably here for community service. He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on. I'm definitely king of the hippie jungle.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is, for better or worse, the sixties happened and now sex is fine. But can't we take the best of that--the nice music, the colors, the [[w:I Have A Dream|I Have A Dream]], et cetera--but not have to face the ... squalor?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nancy:''' You can't imagine your mum having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (If I want to act relaxed, it's going to take all my cunning, skill, and concentration.)

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:'''Mark:''' (I wonder which of my treasured possessions they'll be putting in each others anuses tonight.)

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:'''Mark:''' (God it's so easy being a freak. No wonder they're ten a penny. I should get extra marks for not feeling a fucking thing.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nancy:''' This place is amazing, Gwyn. How can you afford it all?
:'''Gwyn:''' Well I guess I've just been very lucky. Money's an energy and lots of it has always flowed towards me. Particularly after my parents died.
:'''Jez:''' Cosmic.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (You're not going to out-hippie me you fucking hippie.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (God it's happening. It's [[w:Woodstock|Woodstock]]. It's [[w:Altamont Free Concert|Altamont]]. It's [[w:My Lai Massacre|My Lai]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I'm [[w:Louis Theroux|Louis Theroux]]. I'm Louis Theroux with his wry smile at the orgy.)

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:'''Mark:''' (Sure, an orgy ''sounds'' great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.)

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:'''Jez:''' (This is good. This is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard-on, and I want to cry.)

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:'''Mark:''' We have something special. Not my words, yours. We can't throw that all away just because I ... spy on you ... can we!?

=== ''Jeremy Makes It'' [2.2] ===

: [''Jez approaches an acquaintance from school'']
:'''Jez:''' Gog!
:'''Gog:''' Jeremy! What are you doing here?
:'''Jez:''' Wouldn't you like to know, you big prick!
: [''Jez twists Gog's nipple'']
:'''Jez:''' Remember that time we made you wank off Percy's dog for a fiver?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (He hasn't got any massage oil. He's trying to make me obsess about massage oil. And it's worked!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Is that? ... Oh my god it is! It's Gog!
:'''Mark:''' Who's Gog?
:'''Jez:''' It's Gog! In school, if you had to sneeze, you'd run up and do it in his face.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I'll tell you what, that crack is really moreish.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gog:''' Hey, you know what I fancy right now? A kebab. Will you go down and get me a kebab?
:'''Jez:''' [''pause''] You want me to...
:'''Gog:''' I want a kebab.
:'''Jez:''' What ... really?
:'''Gog:''' [''laughing''] No-o! Why, were you gonna go and get me one?
: [''Everyone laughs at Jez'']
:'''Jez:''' No...
:'''Gog:''' I can't believe you were gonna go and get me a kebab!
:'''Jez:''' I wasn't!
:'''Gog:''' [''Stops laughing''] Well, I want one now.
:'''Jez:''' Right... really?
:'''Gog:''' [''laughs again''] No-o! I'm shitting you, Jez! Jesus!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Jeremy, what is Super Hans doing?
:'''Jeremy:''' [observes Super Hans] He's honking on his crackpipe.
:'''Mark:''' Crack! Jeremy! I have company!
:'''Jeremy''': Relax Mark, everyone does drugs nowadays. "Look at Me, I'm Mark. I'm dying on a street in an Advert in the 80s."

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Super Hans:''' What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.
: [''Plays a long, low note on the keyboard'']
:'''Super Hans:''' See, the longer the note... the more dread!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' (Useless...all useless. I wish they were all robots...I wish I were a robot...maybe I could punch through a wall...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' [Jeremy and Super Hans are trying to intimidate Gog] There, we have our answer. Can we please leave!?
:'''Super Hans:''' We have to hurt him now, out of principal. Hit him with the fucking bat Jez.
:'''Jeremy:''' Why do I have to hit him? Punch him with the glove.
:'''Super Hans:''' Punch him? [holds up baseball glove] I can't even make a fist.

=== ''Local Hero'' [2.3] ===

:'''Jez:''' The only reason I don't go to church is that, for me, everything's a church. This room is my church, the hall is my church... Cost Cutters is a bloody cathedral.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I've shot you Jeff. With a bullet made of Scottish finance regulations.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nancy''':Why don't they ever talk about all the buses that made it safely?
:'''Mark''':Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate account of all the events of the day - except it would take forever.

:'''Mark''': I can take a joke as well as anyone, but if it happens again I'm taking it to a fucking industrial tribunal

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (Come on, smile - you don't know I've got an ulterior motive for doing this.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (She probably has really nice kidneys. Yeah, I'd fuck those kidneys real good.)

=== ''University Challenge'' [2.4] ===

:'''Mark:''' (She knows about cubits, she's not comfortable in her own skin, she's one of me!)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Do a Columbo, do a Columbo.) [To shoe shop assistant] Just remind me, which university was it April's gone to again?
:'''Assistant:''' Dartmouth.
:'''Mark:''' Dartmouth, of course. Dartmouth. Thanks. (Good old Columbo. Just the one technique, of course. Still, shits on Quincy.)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' I thought you did do Ancient History.
:'''Mark:''' I did business studies Jeremy. For ''three'' years. And I spoke with you about it daily.
:'''Jez:''' (I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.)
:'''Jez:''' Oh well, that's all ancient history now!
: [''Mark looks unimpressed'']

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Super Hans:''' The secret ingredient [waves hand] is crime.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' Stealing things just makes everything very cheap. Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.
:'''Mark:''' Yes, confused.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' There's no quim likes to party...
:'''Mark:''' ...like the quim down in Darty!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''April:''' Who's your tutor?
:'''Mark:''' [scanning noticeboard behind her] (Netball, [[w:Keyser Söze|Keyser Söze]], MacLeish!)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' You don't walk into the jaws of death--that's common knowledge!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' I'm gonna leave a tenner and a note.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' I'm dangerously close to getting what I want. Feels a bit weird.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' At least I didn't have to watch her recoil at my scrotal scar.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Is that it? Is that how easy it is to steal some education? Bloody hell, who's in charge? The world's just people walking around, going in to rooms and saying things. It's all a big swizzle!)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Oh God she is just so lovely and she doesn't even realize it. Probably no one's ever told her. I should tell her!! No, don't tell her. If she realizes, I'm finished.)

:'''Jez:''' So these are just rows and rows of books you don't like? Do you spend a lot of time not reading them?
:'''Professor:''' (Angry) I think you've said enough, friend.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' He's not a mature student, he's been a loan manager for the last five years. He lives with me and he eats ready meals and we play 'Guess the Revels' and watch ''Men In Black'' on our massive telly and we have a ''fucking''. ''Good''. ''Time''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' [As Jez and Mark leave] (This is okay....it's just one of those things that will haunt me forever.)

=== ''The Man Show'' [2.5] ===

:'''Mark:''' If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.
:'''Jez:''' Right. You didn't, did you? Try to have sex with a monkey?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez''': You do realise I'm bored, Mark? I'm dangerously bored. Today I even considered doing that thing that that MP and Michael Hutchence did. You know. ''[Mimes putting a rope around his neck and masturbating]''
...
:'''Mark:''' And if you do do that, don't do it in here. The hook's almost off the wall as it is.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' No Mark. I only told you for a laugh. You promised not to tell.
:'''Mark:''' Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, Jeremy. Welcome to the real world!
:'''Jez:''' But you said... what about your mum's life?
:'''Mark:''' What does that even mean!? What are you going to do, KILL her?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark''': (I have entered the abyss. I've bought a house in the abyss. I'm getting my post forwarded to the abyss.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' So I was gonna twat this geezer, and then it turns out they were both Polish!
:'''Mark''' You were going to 'twat' a 'geezer'? Were you playing the 'Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels' video game?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''':(Yep, civilization is definitely doomed.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I've been turning this thing over and over in my head like a bloody horrible pancake.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Mark consoles Sophie after she breaks up with Jeff.]''
:'''Mark:''' Does... does he beat you, Soph?
:'''Sophie:''' God, no. He broke a plate once, but...
:'''Mark:''' Does he come at you with a stick, Soph?
:'''Sophie:''' No, never. It's nothing like that.
:'''Mark:''' He does beat you though, mentally. And with his hands and with his fists.
:'''Sophie:''' No.
:'''Jeremy:''' Hey, Soph. You alright?
:'''Sophie:''' Yeah, just getting my head together.
:'''Mark:''' Oh God, your head - is it okay!?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' We all hate you Jeff! You're a cocksucker!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I'm giving you the broom Jeff!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Brilliant, Mark. My mate and your woman have just gone off to fuck each other. What are we gonna do now? Go and make a tent in the living room and eat [[w:Dairylea (cheese)|Dairylea]]? Is that what you want? Because that's what's gonna happen.

=== ''Wedding'' [2.6] ===

:''[discussing their marriage of convenience]''
:'''Nancy:''' You realise its only going to be an administrative procedure?
:'''Jez:''' The happiest administrative procedure of our lives!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Oh don't marry those gays, Nancy. Marry me!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You do realise it's me you're talking to, not some Italian builder.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe it'll go really well and I'll have a double wedding with Jeremy on Friday. Oh god. She's coming over. Must... Think... Words... Funny words.)
:'''Karen:'''Hi there
:'''Mark:''' Hi, hi, say isn't it funny all the coffee, what's with all the coffee? Listen I'm just going to go over to my stupid friend and grrr, give her a good shake, but if you ever want to call me about anything then I'm in the book, Mark Corrigan (Too formal, lighten things up [winks at her]. Light, not slimey, ohhh can't retract the wink...unless...[winks a few times]) See you (Brilliant - the twitching freak, works every time)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Karen:''' Hey Mark, how's it going?
:'''Mark:''' Hey Karen, pretty good, and you?
:'''Karen:''' Good thanks
:'''Mark:''' It was good to see you in Gino's. Got over the twitch by the way. Next time I have acupuncture, I'll get someone else to do it for me. [Karen giggles] (Hey! Look at me go, I'm charming!) Yeah so sorry if I was acting a bit weird, I guess I just wanted to see if you might want to hang out sometime?
:'''Karen:''' Well that sounds nice
:'''Mark:''' (I'm a natural! Maybe I should try it on someone better looking.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (This is just not normal. Someone has got to do something. He's just going to stand there doing nothing like Jeff's the invading Chinese army. They're women, that old get out. Oh god, it's got to be me.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Great. The woman you love has been single for only a few seconds and you've already found her a nice new boyfriend. Nice job, Mr Fucking Stupid.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' She's got trouble written right through her. Like a stick of Brighton rock.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Where might you find a diphthong?
:'''Mark:''' It's an element of speech.
:'''Super Hans:''' Where might you find one?
:'''Mark:''' In a word?

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[as Jez walks up the aisle]''
:'''Mark:''' (I tried. I failed. Got to let him make his own mistakes. Just like Dad with me and the strimmer.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Got to stick it out. Keep being charming to Sophie, stay cold and unfriendly to Karen, without breaking social convention.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Brilliant. Probably looks like I was going to punch him, when actually I was going to use the Buddhist as a human shield).

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Public humiliation. Welcome to my world, Jeff. Although personally I wouldn't have picked ''that'' dress to cry on.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Do you think maybe, if I plead and plead and plead, she'll forget all about it and things will go back to like before?
:'''Mark:''' Honestly?
:'''Jez:''' ''Quite'' honestly. Not brutally honestly.
:'''Mark:''' Then... yeah, absolutely.

== Series 3 ==

=== ''Mugging'' [3.1] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Fish pie then missionary sex and Newsnight afterwards.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mugger 2:''' Alright mate?
:'''Mugger 1:''' Will you lend us your phone mate?
:'''Mark:''' [startled]...What?
:'''Mugger 1:''' Lend us your fuckin' phone!
:'''Mark:''' Why?
:'''Mugger 2:''' Well I need to make a call.
:'''Mark:''' ....Dont you have your own phone?
:'''Mugger 2:''' Come on, lend us your phone.
:'''Mark:''' Right... it's just... 'Neither a lender nor a borrower be'!
:'''Mugger 1:''' Do you think we're some pair of shit-houses?
:'''Mark:''' No! God, no! It's just a... It's a [[w:BlackBerry|BlackBerry]] and....
:'''Mugger 2:''' Give us your phone! Give us your wallet!
:'''Mugger 1:''' Come on! Before we fuckin' do you!
:'''Mark:''' (Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape AND kill me, I hope they kill me first....I sort-of win...) ''[Hands over the phone]''
:'''Mugger 1:''' Is that it? You got nothin' else?
:'''Mark:''' [meekly] ...Yes
:'''Mugger 2:''' What else?
:'''Mark:''' There's my travel card? (That's right, Mark, help the muggers...what do you want, approval?)
:'''Mugger 1:''' ''[They laugh at Mark's photo]'' Alright, now piss off!
:'''Mark:''' [inwardly indignant] Oh this really takes the biscuit.
:'''Mugger 2:''' FASTER..."
:'''Mark:''' I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees -
:'''Mugger 1:''' FASTER!!"
:'''Mark:''' [running] Oh this really leaves a sour taste.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Note to self re: being the Fonz - Mark, you are *not* the Fonz.)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Big Suze:''' Hey, Jez! Look at all the lovely normal people.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' "You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen '[[w:Mad Max|Mad Max]]', haven't you? That's what's going to happen!
:'''Mark:''' ''Mad Max'' isn't necessarily going to happen.
:'''Jez:''' You're still living in your [[w:Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|Hitchhiker's Guide]] world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (They're alright with hitting, but apparently there's a massive taboo against stabbing.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' ''About Stu'' (He's a monk, he's gonna have fifteen years of spunk backed up. How am I supposed to compete with that?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah. Take that Stu, you lump of monk. God didn't protect you from my big fist.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (Still drinking alone, what's the big deal? If I drink a bottle of vodka and a man's there does that somehow make it alright?)
:''[Stu appears]''
:'''Stu:''' Hey man, I'm really parched, you mind if I have a swig of something?
:'''Jeremy:''' Whatever.
:''[Stu drinks from the milk jug]''
:'''Jeremy:''' (God, that's what a man should look like. Look at that body. Those arms.)
:'''Stu:''' Listen man, I know you still have feelings for Suze and that's fine. So, it's really nice to meet you, and...no hard feelings. Yeah?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah
:''[Jeremy stands up to shake Stu's hand, but pulls back at the last moment and wiggles his fingers in front of his face and laughs]''
:'''Stu:''' What does that mean?
:'''Jeremy:''' You know what it means, Stu, by how it makes you feel! That's what it means. ''[Stu begins to walk away]'' Welcome to big school!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (God I must look so cool to her, like Pete Doherty or Bukowski. Yeah, that's right honey, I'm a street fighting man. God she's probably getting wet just looking at me.) Hold your horses honey, I've got coupons for the Pringles.

=== ''Sectioning'' [3.2] ===

:'''Mark:''' (Look at me; I've got a girlfriend. A proper girlfriend reading a best-seller about child-abuse. I go out and have croissant. I'm just a normal functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Super Hans nonchalantly flings Merry's laptop across the room]''
:'''Jez:''' Super Hans!
:'''Super Hans:''' Oh, what? Oh, 'cause it's a computer you think it's made of spiders webs and magic? It's just a metal box Jez, they're indestructible.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I suppose doing things you hate is just the price you pay to avoid loneliness.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' "If you build it, they will come". That's my market research.
:'''Mark:''' Your market research is [[w:Field of Dreams|Field of Dreams]]? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts? That's your role model?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' People like lager and nuts.
:'''Super Hans:''' People like [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]] and voting for the [[w:Nazi Party|Nazis]]. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called 'Free the Paedos'.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.
:'''Jez:''' Yeah OK!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:'''(I'd like to chemically alter my girlfriend's mood)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' She's very ill. We need to get her to someone-
:'''Jeremy:''' Who has more responsibility for her than us.
:'''Mark:''' Exactly.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Did you try to section me?
:'''Jeremy:''' No. (That sounded convincing.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Do you really think if you give her back those papers, she's going to let you screw her?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (If I was getting sectioned, I'd put up more of a fight. Downside: Could get lobotimised)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Your dream is just everybody, grey, on the omnibus, eating grey sludge. That's your dream isn't it?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' If YOU try to section me Mark you will have crossed a line and I will section you, so help me...
:'''Doctor:''' Look guys. You've had your fun with the [[w:sectioning|sectioning]]. There's going to be no more sectioning today.

=== ''Shrooming'' [3.3] ===

:'''Jez''': Oh Suze, it's not scary; you just lose your sense of who you are and all that shit.
:'''Big Suze''': Will I still be able to play the piano?
:'''Jez''': Of course! Suze, they're mushrooms; they're completely natural! Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': If people only did everything they wanted everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits. Probably.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans''': Listen love, just a little tip alright? You're on the edge now and you need to pick the right way. One way's heaven, and the other... well... probably best not to think about that right now... but it's fuckin' 'orrible, yeah?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': You da man!
:'''Mark''': I'm a man!
:'''Jez''': It's you ''da'' man.
:'''Mark''': Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a Man!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (Shit. We're so angry together. The righteous indignation of the common man! Maybe we can start a union... The Woodworkers and General Persons Union.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (Maybe we'll become best mates and he'll train me up to be a carpenter like Jesus. And if I get crucified, he'll start a religion in my name. Jeremism. 'I'm a Jeremist.' Nice.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (It's not like I'm going to rape him. I ''could'' rape him... I'm not going to rape him.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': I'm going to get us both really high and then try to put my hand up her jumper.
:'''Mark''': That's your ''plan'' is it?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': Let me out! Let me out I need a poo!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (This is the last friendship I have that's not backed up by a legally enforceable document.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''':(Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and we buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped in a takeaway bag. Plus... I'd have to hide it here, somewhere in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do. That's where society's headed. People shitting in bags and throwing it out the window at each other. Well, I'm not going to be the first. Not in my name!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans''': Ooh yeah. These are the good times, love; after the initial nausea passes, but before the grinding comedown. Lovely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Johnson''': Is that normal pooing you're doing, Mark?
:'''Mark''': Yes, perfectly normal.
:'''Johnson''': Doesn't sound normal... Doesn't ''smell'' normal. This is bollocks, Mark! You know the credo: illness equals weakness. You're off the team.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': So this is my big evening, is it? Me, tripping my nuts off, watching you do ''endless'' pooing.

=== ''Sistering'' [3.4] ===

:'''Mark''': Nothing means anything to you, does it? Friendship, loyalty - they're just fusty old words like sixpence and codpiece to you, aren't they?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Looking at porn is like lying to Parliament. It used to be wrong but now it's all a big laugh.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Oh my God. I've fallen in love with her. Of course. Brilliant. How incredibly predictable. What a total fucking dope.)

:'''Mark''': (He's gonna get cancer and I'm not. I don't want him to but obviously one of us is going to get it and I'd rather it was him.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': Promise me you will not try to sleep with her.
:'''Jez''': I promise I will try not to sleep with her.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': So. You slept with her. You promised.
:'''Jez''': I promised to try not to.
:'''Mark''': Yeah, well you didn't try very hard did you.
:'''Jez''': Mark, I tried incredibly hard. It just turns out it was literally impossible not to.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (How can Mark be in love with Big Suze? It's like [[w:Swaziland|Swaziland]] trying to invade [[w:China|China]] - it's a bloody political joke.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (They're rubbing it in my face. It's like I've got his member in my face.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Great. Okay, so I've 'dumped' my sister. That's great. That feels good. I'm intrigued to see what I'm gonna do next. Maybe I'll ring up Grandad, and tell him I think he's a boring twat.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': ''[Whilst jogging]'' (Hey! Wow, I'm actually good at this. Maybe I'm a natural - yeah, I'm a jogger! Of course, there had to be a sport for me, I just never realised. Legs like two great steam locomotives, pumping away, I'm unstoppable - JESUS, is that a stitch? Fuck, I'm gonna be sick, I need to walk. Oh, I think I'm gonna puke, I'm literally going to die, ugh, what an idiotic boob I was back ten or eleven seconds ago.)

=== ''Jurying'' [3.5] ===

:'''Jez''': [[w:Crunchy Nut Cornflakes|Crunchy Nut Cornflakes]] are just [[w:Frosted Flakes|Frosties]] for wankers.
:'''Mark:''' Frosties are just [[w:Cornflakes|Cornflakes]] for people who can't face reality.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': It's probably some young black kid who's been accused of stealing a bun, and I'm going to set him free.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': No smoke without fire? Is that what 1000 years of British Judicial Law has come down to? No smoke without fire?!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Saying 'I Love You' is like firing first in a duel; if you miss, you're fucked!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Sometimes I tell them I love them early on on a first date just to get things off to a good start.
:'''Mark:''' Doesn't that... devalue it a bit?
:'''Jez:''' No. Maybe. A bit. Who cares, it works.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' You'd be the first to admit that you're not the most rational thinker.
:'''Jez:''' No I wouldn't!
:'''Mark:''' You still don't understand what happens in [[w:Ocean's Eleven|Ocean's Eleven]].
:'''Jez:''' It's a complicated film.
:'''Mark:''' It really isn't.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (This isn't wrong - just illegal - like drink-driving.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': Oh that is typical. "Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but ... Tony Blair can?"

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': Look Mark, I'm a musician, in case you'd forgotten. Yeah? I answer to a higher law. [[w:Hedonism|The law of "if it feels good, do it".]]
:'''Mark''': Oh, that's a great law isn't it? What's that, [[w:Muammar al-Gaddafi|Gaddafi's]] law?
:'''Jez''': It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (I'm in [[w:Twelve Angry Men|''Twelve Angry Men.'']] I'm the only one who's not angry. I'm horny. That's much nicer.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Sophie! The Sophster! Sophistry!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparently doesn't cut it anymore. Now for a special night you have to have Class-A drugs and... fisting.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[About [[w:Ecstasy (drug)|ecstasy]]]''
:'''Jez:''' Jesus Mark, why didn't you bang one?
:'''Mark:''' Because I don't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': It's like I'm trapped in a giant aero!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (How did my house become a rave? This is probably how a squat starts. They'll never leave and eventually they'll brick me up in my room and ownership will pass to them because a high court judge will rule me to be officially not living life to the max.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' While we’re at it, there are systems for a reason in this world. Economic stability, interest rates, growth. It’s not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It’s only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you’re not lying in your own shit, dying at 43 with rotten teeth. And a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on... fuck off.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (Oh yeah. Justice is done. Not actual justice, but, what I wanted to happen. Which is basically the same thing.)

=== ''Quantocking'' [3.6] ===

:''[to Jez playing darts]''
:'''Mark:''' Are you aiming for the bulls-eye?
:'''Jez:''' Yeah, 'course I am, it's the best thing on the board!
:'''Mark:''' No, it isn't.
:'''Jez:''' Mark, just look at it. It's tiny, it's red, it's right in the bloody middle. 'Course it's the best thing on the board!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Oh great, she posted the guide book. I suppose I'm supposed to think that's incredibly charming and French. Well it's not, it's a waste of £8.99.)
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (She's looking for company after a minute of uncomfortable silence. Well, get used to it, baby. There'll be a lot more where that came from when we're married.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' We'll be going to bed when Mark's getting his morning horn off the [[w:Financial Times|FT]].

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Right well, let's crack on.
:'''Super Hans:''' Don't. Say. Crack, Jez. Yeah? Please. Not now. 'Cause you saying crack makes me think about crack and I love crack. So can you not say crack?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Why won't that stupid bitch let me propose to her?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I've got a monkey on my back the size of King Kong. I am being fucked by King Kong!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': We're not going to be two of those idiots you hear about who go up a mountain in Flip Flops and Sombreros and have to be rescued.
:'''Jeremy''': Would you rather be one of those idiots they find frozen to death, drinking his own piss while badgers chew on his corpse?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' ''[Dividing up his chocolate]'' There's seven segments, so that three each and one left over which is mine since... it's all mine.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh, the spirit of the [[w:The Blitz|The Blitz]] lives on. Fuckin' hell.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (She's so Beautiful and Fancy. If there weren't a junkie in my room shitting and retching and hurling, it would be just like Pride and Prejudice)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (At least he doesn't know about my emergency [[w:Twix|Twix]]).

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (I'm so tired. She's gonna have a hell of a job coaxing a hard-on out of me. But I bet she'll manage)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Yes, this me-not-loving-her business will sort of put me in a position of power in our marriage. Yes. I win.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' Drugs! Drugs! Drugs!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I'd probably be very angry with you right now, if I weren't so incredibly high.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Super Hans, are you trying to skin up with your feet again? Because it doesn't work, does it? It just makes a mess.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Why were you phoning me anyway, you big idiot?
:'''Mark:''' Well, I wanted to talk some stuff through with someone didn't I? You big.. dick.
:'''Jeremy:''' What stuff? You're not having gay feelings again Mark?
:'''Mark:''' No, ''one time'' that happened.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' So you accepted the acceptance?
:'''Mark:''' I had to .. it was check mate.

==Series 4==

===''Sophie's Parents'' [4.1]===

:'''Mark''': She’s good for me, Jez. She’s dragging me into the twenty-first century with its meaningless logos and ironic veneration of tyrants. It’s all good, my friend.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy''': I've got loads of really important stuff to do this weekend.
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar Milk, a small bag of marijuana, and a pirated DVD of Anchorman are not important things.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy''': But what's [[w:Tony Blair|Blair]] going to do?
:'''Super Hans''': Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.
:'''Jeremy''': Or maybe he'll form a political supergroup. Blair, [[w:Bono|Bono]] on vocals, [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] on sax.
:'''Super Hans''': Yeah, that's definitely going to happen. [[w:Bob Geldof|Geldof's]] gonna shit.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sophie's mother''': Oh, you grew a beard. Makes you look handsome, like a policeman.
:'''Mark''': Thank you. You're obviously very attractive, too. (Ugh! What am I going to do next? Tell her she's got lovely tits?)

[Mark shaves off his goatee]
:'''Mark''':(Goodbye beard. Hello familiar stupid face)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': (I'm a motherfucker! That's literally what I am!)

:'''Mark''': You don't just declare war, Jeremy. You prime the press, you square things with the [[w:United Nations|UN]], you make up your reasons.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': (It's almost like a moral decision, but not really 'cause nobody will find out.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (Well, this isn't what I expected. You think you're going to play Simpsons Monopoly, and you end up an arsonist.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jeremy:''' Mark, we're out with a man who has guns! You're chucking his daughter and I've shagged his wife. Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely fucking well for us.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (I'm a [[w:Firestarter (song)|firestarter]]! A twisted firestarter!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Well... I did see him throw a petrol bomb, but I thought it might just have been a joke.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': This zip... there's no pocket to this zip!
:'''Sophie:''' So?
:'''Mark''': (So that's the way it is? Let's just put a zip here, a [[w:swastika|swastika]] there. Who knows what these things once stood for? Who the hell even cares?)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': ''[To Sophie's father]'' He can't hear... Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger baiting, tweed-shirt bumfuck homophobe?

<hr width="50%" />
:''[to Jez, smiling smuttily]''
:'''Penny:''' Get yourself a nice tank of petrol. Come back soon.
:'''Jez:''' (Yeah, right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck. No thank you.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Please, no. Please tell me no.
:'''Jez:''' What?
:'''Mark:''' That. The smutty smile. Jeremy, please tell me that nothing's going on there.
:'''Jez:''' Nothing is going on there.
:'''Mark:''' Let's just say nothing's going on there.
:'''Jez:''' Yeah. ''[Pause]'' Actually I did want to tell someone, I mean it was so cool, she had all this jam -
:'''Mark:''' Oh my God, you didn't?! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!
:'''Jez:''' She's hot.
:'''Mark''': She's not out of [[w:Hollyoaks|Hollyoaks]], Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh you're a piece of work aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad, and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression!
:'''Jez''': I dunno, I think I made a pretty good impression.
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not [[w:James Bond|James Bond]], you're disgusting.
:'''Jez''': (I ''am'' James Bond.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark has just twisted a bird's head off whilst hunting]''
:'''Sophie:''' Teas, coffees for the huntsmen.
:'''Jez:''' No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy''': (Of course he's not allowed to shoot. He's Mark Chapman in the making and I'm very much a 21st century [[w:John Lennon|Lennon]])

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (He doesn't have anyone to talk to. He spends all day with the trees and animals. This is what happens when you live too far away from franchised coffee outlets)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Ugh, "sir". This isn't Tennessee, Mark)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh God, the first fiancé challenge and I've got a gun. An actual gun. It's OK, it's perfectly normal, this is the country. This is what farmers do. They go around shooting crows, and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[after Mark is forced to spend an evening in a pub with Sophie's father]''
:'''Mark''': (I barely have anything to say to my best friend, what am I going to talk to a fully grown man about all evening?)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' [to Mark and her father] Hey, nice to see you two getting on. What are you two talking about?
:'''Mark:''' Oh, just...metal. (And the fact that I don't really love you)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' Bye. Love you!
:'''Mark:''' I love you, too. (It's okay, everyone says it. I say I love Häagen-Dazs and my broadband provider, and I like Sophie more than them. In most respects.)

===''Conference'' [4.2]===

:'''Mark:''' Hi, Alan, you wanted to talk about... oh!
:'''Johnson:''' Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just [[w:Tai Chi|Tai Chi]]. Take a seat and I'll just power through. Should take 45 minutes, I'm done in ten. Stick that up your dojo.
:'''Mark:''' Great.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (I do sort of like it when he's rude to me. Hopefully that's more of a psychological defect, not a weird sexual thing.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Johnson''': Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, fuck each other. I'm serious. Fuck a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken fucking a horse. What? You think the guys who invented [[w:Google|Google]] sat around watching [[w:Trumpton|Trumpton]]?
:'''Mark:''' (Oh he is good. Taboo busting, semi-incomprehensible pep-talk.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Johnson''': In business, Jeremy, you learn that every man has his price, and I judge yours to be... £530.

<hr width="50%" />
:''[about [[w:Indecent Proposal|Indecent Proposal]]]''
:'''Jez:''' (Is this a terrible idea? It can't be. It's in a film. They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film, they'd get sued.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Big Suze''': Sounds like you want to pimp me out.
:'''Jez''': Pimp me out. Pimp my ride. There's a new climate.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez''': (God! I only asked her to be a hooker. It's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sophie:''' ...and I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.
:'''Mark:''' No, I didn't.
:'''Sophie:''' Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head. Then you stamped on Gerrard's foot.
:'''Mark:''' That was an accident.
:'''Sophie:''' No it wasn't.
:'''Mark:''' But it could have been. I was careful to make sure that it could have been.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Sit down. Clear your tubes. 'Cause you and me are gonna chow down on the biggest hairy motherfucking business shit-storm since [[w:Enron|Enron]].

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Suppose I can always roll Gerrard out for the sympathy vote. He's my dark secret... my elephant man.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Oh right, so, now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?
:'''Jez:''' Exactly. Duh! That's how love works Mark.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Oh great. I'm going out with literally the worst men in the world.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Big Suze:''' Jeremy?! What the hell are you doing here?
:'''Jez:''' Me? Oh. Nothing. I was just passing through... Kettering... And I thought, hey I know someone who's gone to Kettering for the weekend.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Look, Suze. Being black isn't about the colour of your skin. It's about vibe, hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number. Fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them! Yeah? I'm down with all that! Is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?!
:'''Big Suze:''' You mean... apart from his mentoring and community work?
:'''Jez:''' ...Yeah, apart from that!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Big Suze:''' You tried to sell my body! I don't want to talk to you. Goodbye
:''[Suze leaves, the Barman stares at Jeremy]''
:'''Jeremy:''' I did not try to sell her body. I tried to rent out her sexual organs ''[beat]'' on a one-use basis.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Oh God. This is horrible. Ughh, she's touching the tube! That can't be hygenic...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[While getting a lap dance in a strip club.]''
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, great! Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Uhhh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality? As though I'm so used to real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude... smiling encouragement? That's not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs. And the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it make you feel sick! Oh great, now I'm getting an erection. How grimly predictable.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Stripper:''' You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.
:'''Mark:''' Right, look, this is a very complex business proposal so I really don't think you could sum up ''all'' the aims in one line.
:'''Stripper:''' If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line then they're too diffuse.
:'''Mark:''' Look, my aims are not too fucking diffuse, ok?!
:'''Stripper:''' Fine! Jesus! They just ''might'' be too diffuse. That was all I was saying...
:'''Mark:''' (Great... Now I'm getting an angry lap dance... Brilliant...)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sophie:''' And have I lived enough? I mean, I've only slept with four men. Is that enough?
:'''Jez''': Four?... Oh... Yeah. (Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that, and I basically only sleep with women.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez''': (This is almost definitely a terrible idea, but I won't know for certain until I've actually done it...''[Jez and Sophie kiss]''... No I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my entire life... Although... Maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[about Jez and Sophie being nice to Mark after he walked in on them almost having sex]''
:'''Mark:''' (Why are they being so nice? Maybe they've had a big chat about me and they're suddenly realised I was right about North Korea, I was right about the European Constitution, and by God I think I'm right about the [[w:congestion charge|congestion charge]]!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You know what this piece of paper says, Jeremy?
:'''Jez''': Is it something to do with history? Have they stopped history books?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I'm about to walk into a boardroom gang bang and get fucked by the biggest swinging dicks in corporate strategy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Maybe you should run away.
:'''Mark:''' Right, thanks Jez.
:'''Jez:''' Well, I mean, people say it like it's a bad thing, you know, running away from your problems. But if your problems never catch up with you, what's the hitch?
:'''Mark:''' Right, well, in this case there would be repercussions.
:'''Jez:''' What do you care? You'd be in the woods, playing the ukulele with the rabbits and the squirrels!
:'''Mark:''' I suppose I could... run away.
:'''Jez:''' Do it man!! (I ''think'' that was good advice... I mean, I didn't actually expect him to do it... Maybe I wouldn't have said it if I thought there was any chance of him actually doing it... But... yep, there he goes.)
:'''Mark:''' (God, I'm running away! This is brilliant! Maybe I'll go to KFC and have a whole bargain bucket!Or join Al Qaeda!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (Hiding out in a parking lot. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (I've really done it this time. This isn't a late report or a misspelled memo. This is going feral. Rejecting society and living like an animal. That's not going to look good on my quarterly review)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Right, here I go. Palms dry. Mouth dry. Inter-buttock area moist.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Johnson:''' I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr. Corrigan will indeed be dead within a month.

===''Gym'' [4.3]===
:'''Mark:''' I'm marrying her, what more does she want?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Mark, are you having some sort of mental breakdown?
:'''Mark:''' I'm just joining the gym. Get some exercise, and some time... not ''away'' from Sophie, just... without her.
:'''Jez:''' .....
:'''Mark:''' You should join too. You get a free pen!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh, why did they have to put the bikes right in front of the sexualiser? Be so demeaning to get a bonk-on while exercising.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Matt:''' Can you take some more? Can you? Do you want it? Do you want it?
:'''Mark:''' NO!
:'''Matt:''' What?
:'''Mark:''' No, I don't want it, alright? Fuck off! You've made it too hard, I can hardly fucking pedal! No mountain is this hard, it's just not realistic!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh, that was horrible. Now he probably thinks I'm embarrassed about the size of my penis. When in fact, I'm not. I'm much more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' [after joining Nancy in the sauna] (Could use my sauna line.) Phwoor. Cor, it's like a sauna in here! [Nancy laughs] (Classic line. That is just a great line. Gotta manoeuvre more dates into saunas.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Eva:''' [after being trapped in the flotation tank] I've got to get out. It was so dark! So dark!

:'''Jez:''' Still, there are worse places to get trapped, right? I mean, you must be bloody relaxed by now!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Manager:''' Can you describe exactly what happened, Mr. Corrigan.
:'''Mark:''' Uh.. Well, uh, h-he was... uh, g-giving me a m-massage. And, uh, h-he was going up my... legs and my thighs an-and then he... touched my penis... then he rubbed my... penis. Quite a bit. An-and I said "stop". But he wouldn't stop.
:'''Matt:''' Mark why are you saying this? I don't understand.
:'''Mark:''' B-because... because it's true.
:'''Matt:''' Please don't do this! This is my career!
:'''Jez:''' You should've thought about that when you were touching his cock.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe it would've been simpler just to kill him. I should know how to kill someone by now. I've watched enough CSI.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Nancy:''' Matt, violence never solved anything: love thy neighbour as thyself.
:'''Jez:''' Yeah, exactly; fuck off!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Matt:''' Well, you can't stay hiding there [behind Sophie and Nancy] forever!
:'''Mark:''' He thinks we can't hide here forever.
:'''Jez:''' He obviously doesn't know us at all, does he?

===''Handyman'' [4.4]===

:'''Mark:''' What a dud evening. Low quality take-away. Low quality detective drama. Low quality sexual intercourse.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
:'''Jez:''' And you don't have to be a smack-head to wank off old geezers, but that probably helps too.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (What should I say? Anything that doesn't mention wanking over your memory for the last twenty years would be good.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I thought she was a frightened little suburban mouse, but no, she's my nightmare: a liberated, sexually adventurous urban woman.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And even if it is broke, just ignore it and maybe it'll be sort of OK. Like the environment.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' Don't flaunt your wad, Jeremy. It's not becoming.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (What exactly is my plan here? I've lured them all to the safari park like a Bond villain, but what's the aim? Torture myself with contact with an unattainable woman?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' I can't believe it. He's actually thrown me to the lions.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' You're disgusting. But I like it. Like going to a strip club with the Pope.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' You gave him a [[w:Handjob|hand]]?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah.
:'''Mark:''' Shit. (I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?
:'''Jez:''' Sorry, I didn't think.
:'''Super Hans:''' Well you should've bloody thought. Jesus!
:'''Jez:''' Did you do it?
:'''Super Hans:''' 'Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Nancy:''' What's going on? Who's wanking who off?
:'''Super Hans:''' Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.
:'''Jez:''' No I haven't! It's not -
:'''Nancy:''' Jeremy, that is so you. I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.
:'''Jez:''' What do you mean that is so me? That is not so me.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Cheer up, Mark. At least now you've got a funny story to tell people.
:'''Mark:''' Yes. No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. (One that I'll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.)

===''Holiday'' [4.5]===

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh... More data entry tonight. I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever. Maybe I could put on Big Bond Themes and pretend I'm entering data for MI6.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[with the relationship therapist]''
:'''Therapist:''' The sexual problems in your relationship?
:'''Mark:''' Oh! Right. Are there...?
:'''Sophie:''' Well, I just feel, I don't know, unfulfilled.
:'''Mark:''' Unfilled?
:'''Sophie:''' Unfulfilled.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh great, so I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex, that's value for money!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (This weekend is going to be one massive dry hump. Maybe the tension will build to the point where we actually try and fuck each other.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss. I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Lucy:''' Can I get a metre of vodka...with an inch of tonic?
:'''Mark:''' (Come on, Mark, turn it on! Play the game!) Oh, er, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational...er, you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind (Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, God, vodka! It'll be an orgy. Great! Disappoint three people instead of just one!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': The whole world isn't [[w:Zoo Weekly|Zoo Magazine]], Jeremy. People don't just go around wanting it the whole time.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Warp factor 3 please, [[w:Montgomery Scott|Scotty]]!
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, great. I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God! I've entered an interview situation and there's a hand near my cock. This is like that dream I had about [[w:Alan Sugar|Alan Sugar]] and [[w:Ruth Badger|the Badger]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (This can't be real. They're probably Sophie and Johnson in masks and this is being paid for by MTV and the Playboy Channel.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (I'll just throw it in the river like when I had my paper route. Screw you, Murdoch)

<hr width="50%" />

:''[discussing Malcolm's daughter]''
:'''Malcolm:''' What do you think of her? Honestly.
:'''Mark:''' (I think she might have a [[w:Borderline personality disorder|borderline personality disorder]].) I think she's... lovely.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I don't want sweet punani action; I want to take your bishop and grind you down!

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark is pitching his CV]''
:'''Mark:''' (Shit! I'm losing him!) And if you look at the bottom, you'll see that my hobbies include history and going to the movies.
:'''Lucy:''' I like going to the movies.
:'''Mark:''' (Of course you do. Everyone does. Man seeks woman. Must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Fucking hell! He's got Mummy! He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' (I'm eating dog leg! This is definitely a new low.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' It's just a hairy turkey!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jeremy:''' "Mummy" was probably the turkey's nickname. ... It could easily be!
<hr width="50%" />

:''[after Jez has eaten "turkey" (actually the dog, "Mummy")]''
:'''Mark:''' Did you actually have to eat it?
:'''Jez:''' I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I ''needed'' to eat it.

===''Wedding'' [4.6]===

:'''Jez:''' Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?
:'''Mark:''' I believe I did, and what exactly is....
:'''Jez:''' Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first melon to fall off loses.
:'''Mark:''' Right, and who won - [[w:Gore Vidal|Gore Vidal]] or Dr [[w:Jonathan Miller|Jonathan Miller]]?

<hr width="50%" />

:[''Nancy is asleep on the sofa'']
:'''Mark:''' Nancy stayed over?
:'''Jeremy:''' Yeah. Lovely, clean Nancy all over our filthy disgusting sofa.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear. There's a very big difference.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Need time to think. How can I buy some time? Contract [[w:Tuberculosis|TB]]? But where from? No badgers. Try to get beaten up? I could say he's got a... fat head. Call him a jizz-cock. It's not actually an insult, all cocks are jizz-cocks really; bit like calling him a piss-kidney.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Well, you should be more careful you... jizz-cock!
:'''Driver:''' What?
:'''Mark:''' You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.
:'''Driver:''' Arsehole!
:'''Mark''': (Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' You OK?
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.
:'''Jez:''' OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't ''totally'' groovy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Mark we're in the middle of the road you're gonna get us killed for the sake of your legacy. Stop it! You're not fucking Blair!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (Am I actually going to piss on the church? It'd be quite a statement. Yeah, baby! Here I go. [[Richard Dawkins]] walks the walk but does he actually follow through with an actual act of piss?)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' God I am dying for a piss. I feel like someone's inflating a balloon full of urine inside me. And not in a good way.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez''': Let me go in that prayer bucket.
:'''Mark''': Prayer bucket?... [''looking round''] Jeremy, that's just a bucket.
:'''Jez''': Alright, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket...
:'''Mark''': No, you can't move!
:'''Jez''': Mark, I can't hold it in any longer! I'm busting!
:'''Mark''': Well, if you really can't hold it in, I guess you'll just have to...piss yourself.
:'''Jez''': You're ordering me to piss myself?
:'''Mark''': Yes, if you have to go, piss yourself.
:'''Jez''': Is this what it's come to?
:'''Mark''': Yes, and do it quietly!
:'''Jez''': And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? [Jez begins pissing himself]
:'''Mark''': Are you going already?
:'''Jez''': Yes, I'm so pathetic, as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. See what you've done? You've ground down my sense of self worth over the years, I hope you're happy!
:'''Mark''': When are you going to stop?
:'''Jez''': Not for a bit.
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, stop! It's going down the crack!
:'''Jez''': Oh piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that easy Mark, the flood gates are open!
:'''Mark''': I'm ordering you to stop!
:'''Jez''': You're being a real dick about this, aren't you?!?!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Priest''': ...Before God Almighty who knows all the secrets of our hearts...
:'''Mark''': (He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (Someone save me! Jeremy? Spacemen?)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark''': (That's it. I've ruined my life! You only get one life and I've ruined mine!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''': (That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''': You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.
:'''Jez:''': Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': So, Nancy, did she not show up?
:'''Jez''': No, she did ... with Super Hans, so that's nice. I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that.
:'''Mark''': Well, I suppose I should apologize for not letting you go and get her.
:'''Jez''': Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that. But, I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.
:'''Mark''': Oh, that's nice. Thanks man.
:'''Jez''': It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other moldering resentments.
:'''Mark''': Exactly. Stick it on the bill.

==Series 5==

===''Burgling'' [5.1]===

:'''Mark:''' (So unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Mark, double date tonight?
:'''Mark:''' No...what's she like...is she sexy?
:'''Jez:''' Mark, beggars can't be choosers. She's an actual woman.
:'''Mark:''' It's too early, I'm not into it. No, I'm still technically married. I'm not safe to be reintroduced into society yet.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' We might need to tidy up a bit. And we may have to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes
:'''Mark:''' ''[disappointed]'' The Megatron? But....no
:'''Jez:''' It smells wrong. I mean, the Megatron doesn't say 'urban freewheeelers', it says 'sofa masturbators'...y'know

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Here we are. What are you doing?
:'''Mark:''' ''Friends of the British Museum'' magazine. Clearly I'm not a Johnny Depp Tony Parsons Hunk of the Month, I need my props, I have my rituals.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Jeremy was right; she's an actual woman.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God! I've already closed on a second date! This magazine is sexual dynamite!)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Jez has just been told he may have [[w:Chlamydia|Chlamydia]]]''
:'''Paula:''' Lots of times it's symptomless basically so it's just...
:'''Jez:''' It's symptomless? Oh, right. So what's the biggie? I mean, no one minds if the invisible man comes to dinner. (Maybe I can get into this. Sexually transmitted disease. Sexually transmitted. Sexually. Sexy. I'm feeling sexy.)
:'''Paula:''' You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis, have you?
:'''Jez:''' (Not so sexy.)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark and Jez are on a double date at the theatre]''

:'''Jez:''' ''[whispering]'' When do we get to go out?
:'''Mark:''' ''[whispering]'' As far as I can make out, we get to go out for a bit in an hour, then we have to come back for two hours.
:'''Jez:''' You're kidding. I think I'll die.
:'''Mark:''' If this was on television, nobody would be watching.
:'''Jez:''' Oh God. Why aren't we watching television? [...] I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro ''and'' Al Pacino.
:'''Mark:''' I'm going to pretend I ''am'' watching Heat.
:'''Jez:''' OK. Let's just pretend we're watching Heat.

<hr width="50%" />

:''[Jez has left the theatre early]''

:'''Jez:''' (This is amazing. I wasn't meant to be out 'till eleven, and it's not even nine. I've time travelled. I've made time! I could do anything. I'm golden!)

:''[Whilst giving his ticket to a tramp]''

:'''Jez:''' Here you go mate. Go and see the second half. It's shit.

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Mark comes home to find the flat has been burgled]''
:'''Mark:''' Have you called the locksmith, have the police already been?
:'''Jez:''' No, I thought I'd check with you first, coz, I mean what do you call?....or do you do it all online now?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' The Playstation! The memory card! I'd nearly broken through on [[w:Medal of Honor (series)|Medal of Honour]]. They've nicked 120 hours of quality me time! Bloody hell!!

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Apprehending the burglar]''
:'''Mark:''' (I'm wrestling with the white working class! [[w:Inspector Morse|Morse]] never did this!) Just shut up!! (I'm better than Morse!)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[On the phone to the police]''
:'''Mark:''' 45 minutes? But...I'm sitting on him. Is that legal?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Look, let's just try to continue our evening as if he wasn't here and if he tries to escape, I'll just have to take him down. (I've got balls like baked potatoes!)

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Holding up the Megatron]''
:'''Heather:''' What's this?
:'''Mark:''' (Oh, the Megatron is shrinking my massive balls!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' ''[Right, you shit! It's mutually assured destruction!]'' Suze, I'm afraid I have to inform you that Jeremy has or may have a sexually transmitted disease. I'm sorry I had to tell you...
:'''Jez:''' Mark! Shut up!
:'''Big Suze:''' Is it AIDS?
:'''Jez:''' Course it's not AIDS, this isn't the 80s. It's the best STD, just cute old mostly symptomless [[w:Chlamydia|Chlamydia]].

===''Spin War'' [5.2]===

:'''Mark:''' You know Jez... I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally fucked... You know, I fucked up my wedding, I fucked up my only relationship. Everything's just completely fucked.
:'''Jez:''' You have been thinking this for a while, haven't you?

<hr width="50%" />

:''Mark mentions he'd like to be a scout master. Jeremy smirks''
:'''Mark:''' What? You don't have to be a paedophile to want to work with children.
:'''Jeremy:''' But it probably helps.
:'''Mark:''' I spent five happy years in the scouts! And never once...
:'''Jeremy:''' ''[Interupting]'' You told me kinky Leyton was all over you.
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, alright Leyton was a bit of a paedo. But it was old style paedoing. Before it got such a bad name. (Of course, Leyton only ever really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt).

<hr width="50%" />

:''Mark walks past two of Sophie's friends. They stop their conversation and give him nasty looks''
:'''Mark:''' (Ugh.. the gossip mill. That's right, stare at Hess; throw fruit at Hess, pacing his prison yard!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' This is a chain-on scenario.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Mmmm. Why toast when you can roast?
:'''Jez:''' Another roast? That's the third today.
:'''Mark:''' What's nicer than a roast?
:'''Jez:''' Yeah, but, chain-eating roasts?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Ugh no... Heartbreak Tuna! No, just bin it. But not literally - no need to be dramatic. Freeze it. See how I feel in six months.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' If she wants a PR War, then she can have a PR War... I'll [[w:Peter Mandelson|Mandelson]] her! Nobody wanted New Labour, Jeremy, but now we all know how it works.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' ''[entering the office]'' (Walking into the jaws of death. Got to go past Sophie's desk. What I am going to say? Please save me, Jesus - I'll believe in you if you save me now ... The other way! She's looking the other way! Thank you, Jesus! ... Although it was fifty-fifty which way she'd be looking - might need a bit more to start believing.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Mmmm, Piggin' Tea Break. Cup of piggin' tea and work out my piggin' campaign strategy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Lisa:''' Erm, Mark, I just want to say about the wedding... that I think you're a real piece of shit.
:'''Mark:''' Oh... OK. (That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Hi Soph, how are you? How are you feeling?
:'''Sophie:''' Well... I want to give things another go.
:'''Mark:''' You... you do?
:'''Sophie:''' No, of course I fucking don't!

<hr width="50%" />
:''[Jeremy plays Barney's music to Super Hans]''
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, this is raw. Who is this, is this us?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Super Hans:''' Shit, he's done something there. How's he done that?
:'''Jez:''' I think that what's happening is maybe two or three different musical things, at the same time!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Have you read the Big Beat Manifesto lately?
:'''Jez:''' Did we write it down?
:'''Super Hans:''' The Big Beat Manifesto goes "Big Beats are the best, Get high all the time".
:'''Jez:''' Right. At the time, it felt like a much more all-encompassing philosophy.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we'd do we've ever had.
:'''Jez:''' Oh yeah. 'cause sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Where do I sit... This must be what it's like being a nonce in prison.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' By the way, is it possible to get a block on a couple of e-mail addresses?
:'''Dobby:''' Why, what have you been getting?
:'''Mark:''' Ah, just the usual... crap.
:'''Dobby:''' ''[reading]'' You're a piece of shit. Shitter, Stuff your bollocks up your gob...
:'''Mark:''' It's just mates and that.
:'''Dobby:''' ''[still reading]'' Fuck off and shut up and die?
:'''Mark:''' Yeah they're pretty funny.
:'''Dobby:''' Arseholes.

<hr width="50%" />

:''[after Dobby asks Mark to reach something high inside a closet room]''
:'''Mark:''' Ugh...you'll, you'll have to...move.
:'''Dobby:''' Yeah, I should move, but...I might not move. ''[begins to rub her bottom against Mark's private area]''

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (This is possibly the most exciting thing that has happended to anyone ever. Does she know what she's doing? Is she just innocently waggling her bum around and I'm getting illegal benefit? I'm not doing a sexual assault am I? You can't do a sexual assault if you stay still like a statue. I'm just a statue, a dirty, filthy statue. Oh God, I'm getting very...Captain Corraghan if flying without a licence! Oh Jesus, it's too much, I'm going to blow my beans! I'm going to do a [[w:On Chesil Beach|Chesil Beach]]!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I win because they all think I pissed myself, when they have no idea I came all in my pants!)

<hr width="50%" />

:''[about Jeremey's show in the club Fuckbunker, after Dobby seduced Mark earlier in a closet]''
:'''Mark:''' I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the Fuckbunker.
:'''Dobby:''' Is that what you call the stationery cupboard?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (Hmmm... women. There they are, walking around. And they've all got them. Under their clothes. Hiding there. But I know the secret. Vaginas.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I've been caught out! Like [[w:Angus Deayton|Angus Deayton]] or [[w:Harold Shipman|Harold Shipman]])!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' This is piggin' massive!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' What's going on?
:'''Super Hans:''' Barney's locked himself in the bathroom.
:'''Jez:''' What did you do to him?
:'''Super Hans:''' Nothing...jesus...
:'''Barney:''' He's a fucker!
:'''Jez:''' Has he been sucking you off?
:'''Super Hans:''' No! Of course not...
:'''Barney:''' Yes.
:'''Super Hans:''' Well...maybe once...
:'''Jez:''' What the fuck are we going to do!?!? We don't know how to play his mu...our music. We're the frontmen! I was planning on just waving a maraca and giving the hotties my sex eyes.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Barney:''' I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.
:'''Jez:''' What's going on?
:'''Super Hans:''' He wants to go home.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Super Hans:''' ''[Discussing Barney]'' He's in a K-Hole right now, but in ten the speed'll kick in. Can a coke and a cig, he'll be right as rain.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Okay, what now? Go home and roast the shit out of some meat.

===''Jeremy's Broke'' [5.3]===

:'''Mark:''' Look at us Jez, we're letting our lives slip through our fingers. Maybe you don't care, but I need to get out there. And I'm never going to meet a woman in a pub, or a nightclub, or an art gallery, or a bookshop, or any other formal or informal social gathering. Realistically it's just not going to happen.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (He's such a tight arse. Won't even replace the widescreen. How are they meant to brainwash me with their adverts if I can't see them properly?)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Recognise this, Jeremy?! I went to get the [[w:Cherry Garcia|Cherry Garcia]] out to defrost and look what I found inside! [holds up a [[w:post-it note|post-it note]]] ''"Look, I know what you think happened and yes you're right I have eaten all your ice cream."'' This is it. This is the line. You have crossed the line!
:'''Jez:''' Read the mitigating circumstances. There are loads.
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Mark is making a list of everything that Jez can consume.]''
:'''Mark:''' Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK. But not shower gel. And no razors. If you're poor, grow a beard. Tea Bags are allowed within limits.
:'''Jez''':Limits? What Limits?
:'''Mark''':No making a pie out of tea or anything weird
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg until it hatches, not eat it like some greedy, mad chicken.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' It's not that easy Mark, there's just not that many jobs in the media. That's the reality.
:'''Mark:''' Do something else. Get on your bike.
:'''Jez:''' I can't believe you're making me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' (Mmm... Delicious [[w:Cumberland sausages|Cumberland]] final straw, dripping in onion gravy.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Ugh, speed dating. That was horrible. No one else seemed to mind. Maybe this is the future. Three minute date, three minute fuck, three minute marriage.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Ah, the results are in! What does the [[w:swingometer|swingometer]] say?!
:'''Speed Dating Hostess:''' Well, I'm afraid you've got no matches for dating...
:'''Mark:''' What?!! None?! But number 23 said she was definitely going to tick! That's a verbal contract!
:'''Speed Dating Hostess:''' Well, maybe you could take her to court
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, speed dating! I'd be better off speed skating! (Doesn't really work. But she gets the point. I'm just another reject slowly slipping out of the gene pool to get hoovered up by the sex industry.) Ohhh, Saz, she implied she might be ticking. Maybe she did tick! Maybe the data wasn't collated correctly! Maybe she's my [[w:hanging chad|hanging chad]]
<hr width="50%" />

:''[To nurse at the [[w:sperm bank|sperm bank]]]''
:'''Jez''': I just want to assure you that I am not the same as the rest of these feckless cumshedders. So if you ever need anyone for a private donation...you've got my details. (Urgh, bit creepy, the spermy atmosphere is cramping my style. Right, time to open my sticky bank account. Hey, where's the porn? No porn? Am I supposed to just dry hump myself? Must be something I could use. [Pulls out a £20 note] Would it be wrong? Why not? It's a free country)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I've been thinking ... it's been great having you here. But you've done the south now - the [[w:London Eye|London Eye]], the [[w:Trocadero_(London)|Trocadero]] - so you probably want to be heading up north. [...] There's a Harvey Nichols in Leeds that everyone goes on about, as if it's the answer to something.
:'''Saz:''' Don't kick me out, Marco.
:'''Mark:''' There's an [[w:ANZAC|ANZAC]] memorial in Huddersfield.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' So that's what it comes down to, is it? You don't want to bone me, so I'm out - it's that brutal. [[w:Streets of London (song)|Have you seen the old man, down by the seaman's mission?]] Yes - not very fuckable, is he?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Dobby:''' ''[sings]'' Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet 'cos Jeff's doing a joke!
:'''Jeff:''' Freak.

===''Jeremy's Mummy'' [5.4]===

:'''Super Hans:''' It's a pisser though, innit - cancer. They should find a fucking cure.
:'''Mark:''' I think they're trying.
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their fucking fingers out. It's important, Mark.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Twenty thousand pounds. I'm going to be a millionaire!
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Wow, nice. Nice gun. Must be, what, a... war gun.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' You've got sarcasm. I've got a big gun.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (It's [[w:Paddy Ashdown|Paddy Ashdown]]. It's [[w:Indiana Jones|Indiana Jones]]. It's Indiana Ashdown!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Why doesn't Jeremy want you to be his dad? I want you to be my dad. I want to sit on your knee right now.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in [[w:John Lewis (department store)|John Lewis]].)
:'''Jez:''' Mummy, coffee, fucky hurry uppy.
:'''Mark:''' (Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with [[w:Nuts magazine|Nuts magazine]].)
:'''Jez:''' Did you bring those CDs like I told you?
:'''Jackie:''' Oh yes, they're in my handbag. Shall I fetch them?
:'''Jez:''' Might be an idea. Oh, and guess what, you forgot to top-up my phone. Again.
:'''Mark:''' Sorry, Jez, is there some reason why you're being so incredibly rude to your mum?
:'''Jez''' Oh, right, stick up for mummy. You don't know her, Mark. You don't know her tricks. Anyway, what's it to you? Do you want to fuck my mum, is that it? Mum, Mark wants to fuck you.
:'''Mark''' Shut up, Jeremy.
:'''Jez''' He definitely wants to fuck you, Mum.
:'''Jackie''' Stop showing off to Mark, Jeremy.
:'''Jez''' Me? I'm not the one dressed like a prossy.
:'''Mark:''' Please, Jez! This level of conflict may be usual for you, but it's not healthy - I'm going to have a heart attack!
:'''Jez:''' Oh, and I suppose your relationship with ''your'' mum is healthy, is it? Sitting in silence watching [[w:Taggart|Taggart]]. Thirty years of mutual resentment eating away at you.
:'''Mark:''' We like Taggart. Even the new ones.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Martin:''' Do you write at all?
:'''Mark:''' Well...I did once start a business book and I've always fancied doing an article about the [[w:Battle of Greece|evacuation of Greece in 1941]] for the local paper. Not that it would really fit in with all the kebab shop stabbings.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (It's fascinating. Everything that can kill a man is fascinating... guns, electric chairs, paracetemol, [[w:lead piping|lead piping]])

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' You really do have to get over this thing with your mum - you're not [[w:Hamlet|Hamlet]]. Stop being Hamlet.
:'''Jez:''' Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet when you stop being...
:'''Mark:''' (He can't think of a Shakespearean character!)
:'''Jez:''' ... a massive twat.
:'''Mark:''' (Ha! He couldn't even think of Romeo! Romeo's easy!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (This is great! Why was I anxious? I'm in my element. Older people are still people. They're just people who think when they open a new window on the computer the previous window has disappeared for good.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (YES!!! No-one else I know would have found that funny, but I was right to think it was amusing!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I would literally stab a baby to do it!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (This is a fantastic evening. I've become a military historian and Jeremy's future happiness rests in my hands...And I've got a tiramisu. This is fucking amazing!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Jez - can you tell me, yeah, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' Come on Mark, don't piss on my strawberries.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Is she straight? Gay? Doesn't bother me, just nice to know. It's not like I'm a homophobe. But it's good to know who you are. Stay safe. Praise the food, the lukewarm, disgusting food.) This food is superb.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' How was the rest of your evening with Peaches Stalin?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' It sounds like you've been raped, by a soldier, like in a [[w:Mike Leigh|Mike Leigh]] film.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Natalie:''' I tell you what, let's make this next one an Irish wine.
:'''Mark:''' Well, what's an Irish wine? (Look at me, talking happily to a lesbian about war and Irish wine. Good job you're dead [[w:Norman Mailer|Norman Mailer]] cos there's a new [[w:Gonzo journalism|Gonzo]] in town.)
:'''Natalie:''' Whiskey usually makes me horny. It's a horny drink.
:'''Mark:''' (When did we stop saying randy, I wonder. Horny has driven randy out)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Hello Natalie, how's your dad?
:'''Mark:''' Jez, don't.
:'''Natalie:''' Yeah, fine thank you.
:'''Jez:''' Enjoying my money, is he? Is he lying in a bath of my money ''nude'', after having sex with my mum ''nude''?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I'm having an orgasm against my will!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' You, my friend, are a rape victim. [...] Do you have feelings of guilt and shame, self-loathing?
:'''Mark:''' You know I do - don't load the question!
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.
:'''Jez:''' Well, it's not bum-rape, no.
:'''Super Hans:''' Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe that was actually good sex? Loosen up, Corrigan - that's what happens in the bedroom now: no old fashioned fumbling and kissing, a lesbian rapes you whilst you dream about your mother. It's edgy.).
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Please don't shit on my dreams. I don't want shit on my dreams.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' War is never a picnic. Although obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors a lot.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' If they can't get to [[w:Corfu|Corfu]], they can't spend my money. That's physics.

===''Jeremy's Manager'' [5.5]===

:''[Cally is signing up Jez and Super Hans' band]''
:'''Cally:''' Any questions?
:'''Super Hans:''' Yeah, there are certain countries within the European Union that I'm barred from entering. You got a problem with that?
:'''Jeremy:''' I'm a very sexual performer. Are you going to be able to handle that?
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Wow, we've finally met the man. And the man is a woman. And he's hot!
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Wow, this is definitely happening. Okay, got to focus. It's very important for my future career development that I give my manager an orgasm.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Jeremy's getting a manager. I'm getting divorced. Maybe he'll end up happy and successful and I won't. That would be typical! I do everything society demands and die in a ditch, he sits on his arse an accidently shits a golden egg!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Cally:''' It's so frustrating. There must be thousands of cash-rich and time-poor singles out there, I just don't have the time to meet them. I'm a gap in the market, somebody fill me!
:'''Mark:''' (I'll fill you!! I love you, Cally! You are the one! Let's get married by Alan Sugar and live off all-butter croissants in Canary Wharf!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' We want to wallow in our own filth, Mark. Have a good old fucking wallow.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Super Hans:''' A suitcase with wheels? Real men don't get the earth to carry their luggage for them, mate. They carry it themselves.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Cally:''' I thought you were a business brain Mark, but you're better than that. You're what my grandma would call 'a real piece of shit'
....
:'''Cally:''' Do you want to date? Are you a dater?
:'''Mark''': (Well, err, I have been out with women...so I guess...)
....
:'''Mark''': (Wow, I've got a date! I'm a real piece of shit! I bet those two things go hand-in-hand. I bet if I got into defrauding pensioners, the pussy would really start rolling in.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark''': (God, I can't believe I'm dating someone I really like. I've done it right! I've done it right for once!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Cally:''' How could you possibly make one of these [crystal skulls] except by some type of magic?
:'''Mark:''' In a factory...from glass.
:'''Cally:''' Oh sure, c'mon! Could you make that?
:'''Mark:''' No.
:'''Cally:''' Could ANYONE?
:'''Mark:''' Yes.
:'''Cally:''' Look, Mark, this is important to me. If we're going anywhere, I need you to tell me that you believe in crystal skulls.
:'''Mark:''' (Please don't make me believe in them.)
:'''Cally:''' Do you believe?
:'''Mark:''' I do believe in crystal skulls.
:'''Cally:''' And what do you believe about them?
:'''Mark:''' I believe that they were crafted by the ancient inhabitants of Atlantis and that they're powerful centres of healing.
:'''Cally:''' There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
:'''Mark:''' (Sorry science. Sorry [[w:Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]]. Sorry logic.)
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Mark and Cally are in bed after having sex together]''
:'''Mark:''' (Well, that was great. Apart from the skull sending out its invisible rays of bullshit, I think that might be my best ever sexual experience)
:'''Cally:''' Okay, I think we have to have a talk. About the whole thing.
:'''Mark:''' I'm sorry? The whole...?
:'''Cally:''' The whole sexual experience. I have to say, that was very disappointing.
:'''Mark:''' Oh, right.
:'''Cally:''' I don't mean to be rude, but is that the kind of thing you usually do?
:'''Mark:''' Well, I suppose, in general....what, what exactly did I do wrong?
:'''Cally:''' Well, it was better than with Jeremy though. With Jeremy, I had to stop him in the middle.
:'''Mark:''' You stopped Jeremy in the middle?
:'''Cally:''' Sorry, is this weird for you, do you want to know?
:'''Mark:''' [reluctantly] I do...a bit
:'''Cally:''' He's like a [[w:red setter|red setter]] bounding after a tennis ball, you're like a captain solemnly going down with his ship.
:'''Mark:''' Well, well that's good to know.
:'''Cally:''' But we can try again, just as long as you're prepared for me to tell you exactly what to do?
:'''Mark:''' That could be a good system.
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Mark and Jez are at a Christian rock festival]''
:'''Mark:''' (Look at them all - the Christians. It's not fair. I could be that happy if I believed in a lot of rubbish.)
<hr width="50%" />

:''[Jeremy's been baptised]''
:'''Jeremy:''' There's like a 1 per cent chance the whole Jesus thing is true. In which case I'll have something to pull out of the bag on Judgement Day.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark''': (Oh God. He's in a raft drifting towards [[w:Niagara Falls|Niagara Falls]], flicking through Heat magazine with one hand down his trousers.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': We'd be selling our souls.
:'''Super Hans''': Well, we'd be selling our souls to Jesus. Isn't he the best person to sell your soul to? It's his whole setup.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': She's trying to shaft me, Mark! You've gotta dump her, it's a no-brainer.
:'''Mark''': It is not a no-brainer. I'll have to think about it. It's a brainer. It's a real brainer. See the thing is, I don't think I've ever done sex right before.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh, you're fine, mate. Stick with Missionary, you're a sexual civilian. Leave the disgusting stuff to me.
:'''Mark''': Cally's teaching me, she's giving me second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long
:'''Jeremy:''' That's cheating! Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask, that's the whole point.
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': So, did Cally tell you about her and me...much?
:'''Mark''': No, no, God no. Don't worry, nothing like that. (She stopped him in the middle! I'll save that for a rainy day! That's money in the bank!)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy''': (Christian security guard? What's he gonna do, excommunicate me?)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (The one is giving me the finger and driving away. There's the familar gut punch of pain and loneliness. Hello, old friend.)

===''Mark's Women'' [5.6]===

:'''Mark:''' Hey Jez!
:'''Jez:''' Oh, hi Mark.
:'''Mark:''' This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.
:'''Jez:''' That's great. Good for you.
:'''Mark:''' (Uh-oh, the ghost at the feast, better take the mustard off.)
:'''Mark:''' Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?
:'''Jez:''' I've just been doing alot of thinking.
:'''Mark:''' (Oh shit.)
:'''Jez:''' Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I feel guilty about everything, from the pollution caused by Chinese industrialisation to not wearing some pairs of boxers as much as others. I'm sorry, stripey blue - you're just too tight.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Dobby - the acceptable face of woman. I hardly have to modify my behaviour at all in her company. I really think she might be the one.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Is that... it? No sarcastic putdown, no casual kick in the balls? Maybe it's because she's been smoking drugs... Good old drugs).

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Maybe I'm Shaft. Maybe I'm Trump. Yeah, I'm Trump, in my dirty, wiggy tower.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Look at me! Drunken one night stand. I mean, she is my wife. Still, finally got to use my bachelor's emergency condom.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver. You can't really ask for it back.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Hope she's not pregnant. It's been ages, she hasn't mentioned it. She won't be pregnant. It's not like I'm a Royal Marine with super sperm.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Johnson:''' I'm not running a rehab clinic. This is a maximum security business institution.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Sophie:''' I've actually, I've got some news. Big news.
:'''Mark:''' Oh yes? (Please don't say you're pregnant. Please don't say you're pregnant.)
:'''Sophie:''' I'm pregnant.
:'''Mark:''' (FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!) [Calmly] Right, you're pregnant. Of course.
:'''Sophie:''' I did three home tests last night and they were all positive.
:'''Mark:''' Only three?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh fiddlesticks. Of course, I'm having a baby. Great, I'll probably drop it or it'll grow up and write a bitter memoir about how distant I was.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Just gotta say the right words - can think about what they mean later.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God, I can't fire anyone. I'm like [[w:British Leyland|British Leyland]] in 1976.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Are you angry?
:'''Mark:''' You had sex with my wife, Jeremy!! That's quite a number, even for you. But then, on the other hand, I was definitely having a baby which, to be honest, wasn't really on my to do list for the year, so in a way, things are looking up.
:'''Jez:''' Such a relief to tell you. It's been ever so weird ever since it happened. I've had this really bad feeling, like in my brain.
:'''Mark:''' It's called guilt, Jeremy. Most people feel it quite a bit when they've done something wrong.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' And...what about the...issue?
:'''Mark:''' Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway. So there's no need to know whose it is.
:'''Jez:''' Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!
:'''Mark:''' Right. (Oh Jesus)
:'''Jez:''' (Oh Jesus)

== Series 6 ==

===''Jeremy at JLB'' [6.1]===

:'''Super Hans:''' You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a fucking van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' OK. Keys, change, wallet, phone. OK.
:'''Jeremy:''' Jesus.. You are something else.
:'''Mark:''' Thank you very much.
:'''Jeremy:''' (He took the insult as a compliment. Shit! He could become invulnerable!)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' One small spritzer, half a unit. Should I have got written permission?
:'''Mark:''' Listen to her, she's exaggerating for comic effect!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.
:'''Jez:''' ''[Stroking the leather]'' It's a creamy elephant!
:'''Mark:''' Please don't call it the creamy elephant.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (I'm becoming the Fuhrer - the Fuhrer of Laughs!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' (I'm Russell Brand, and he's lovely Andrew Sachs.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Oh my god! It's wheels within wheels! I've been invited inside, with the bean counters and the water boarders!
:'''Mark:''' (At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.)

<hr width="50%" />

:''[The fire alarm goes off at JLB]''
:'''Jeremy:''' ..what's?
:'''Mark:''' Fire alarm.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh god, look at you. Frightened little mouse.
:'''Mark:''' It's a fire alarm Jeremy!
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh yeah, right, like there's a fire! There's never a fire, Mark, it just doesn't happen! I mean, maybe in a film, but...
:'''Mark:''' So what? There's never been a fire, anywhere?
:'''Jeremy:''' Not in an office, in England. God, you're pathetic! Ooh, fire! Please don't burn me or my posessions! I'm so important and flammable!
:'''Mark:''' Is this a test?
:'''Security Guard:''' No, not a test.
:'''Jeremy:''' Come on, Mark! Fucking hell, get your elbows in! It's all gone backdraft!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' I thought I might do a skit with Dobbie.
:'''Jez:''' Oh, I get it! The smell of the grease-paint, the swish of the curtain, the rub-job in the dressing room.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Discussing both being fired]''
:'''Jeremy:''' They've really screwed us, man!
:'''Mark:''' They've screwed me, they've diddled you at best.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark:''' (Well, got Dobbie, but there goes the Nazi gold, back in the vault with all the Rembrandt's')

===''The Test'' [6.2]===
:''[Mark and Jez see Elena at the supermarket]''
:'''Mark:''' She is very attractive. But brown rice and Pop Tarts? Camomile tea and economy vodka? That's a car crash of a shopping basket.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (He actually thinks he has suave spermatazoa. He characterises his sperms!)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' ''[Trying to operate the new boiler]'' Obey my commands, [[w:Blake's 7|Orac]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jeremy:''' Mark, just because today was the first time you have ever, ever, EVER successfully arranged a date with a woman, does not suddenly make you Alfie, ok?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Why do you insist on seeing the anus as some sort of human USB port, just waiting to have all kinds of hardware plugged into it?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jeremy:''' Fork my leg.
:'''Mark:''' I do sort of want to but... no, too weird!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' We are ''not'' equals-pequals!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:'''You haven't drunk all the difficult conversation wine, have you?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs it does not make me a drug dealer!
:'''Mark:''' Yes it does.
:'''Jeremy:''' Oh god. Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jeremy:''' (Yeah! Russian men are probably all infertile! Thanks Chernobyl!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Condom, condom, condom. Although maybe, two?
:'''Dobby:''' Two condoms?
:'''Mark:''' Two's company. In fact, maybe I should go for a third. Three is the magic number. (I've got to tell her. I couldn't slide this in anyway. It'll be like trying to clingfilm an earthworm.)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Shove that up your bollocks!

===''Jeremy in Love'' [6.3]===

:'''Mark:''' (Dobby: the anxious self-hating man's crumpet. But probably best if I never ever say that to her.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Oh my God, there's a baby in there, about the size of a croissant. A terrifying, life-altering croissant-baby!)

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Oh and I saw the porn she was looking at! Man, it's hot! She's got great taste, it was the most fantastic porn I've ever seen.
:'''Mark:''' Isn't it just the usual dead-eyed men fucking dead-eyed women in a desperate world of pain?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' I don't want to tempt fate, but I think everything is going to be totally great forever.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Always wipe, Mark. Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe. That's the rhyme.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Oh my giddy arse!

:'''Jez:''' She's the one person for me, in the whole world.
:'''Mark:''' Isn't it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you, instead of in a village in Mozambique?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Why does everything have to be fun to be worthwhile? Crick and Watson have discovered the double helix. Did they do it on a skateboard? No? Well fuck off then, I'm not interested.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Sophie:''' Obviously it would be really great if you were happy but it's not the most pressing thing.
:'''Mark:''' No... no, of course not.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' Why do you have to bring worry and doubt into everything? You're like some kind of mad evangelist for anxiety!
:'''Mark:''' (Lots to go around old son. I'm probably a few grams lighter now.)
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Sophie:''' When our child looks up at you, I want them to see a happy, contented role model - not some grey faced, dull eyed drone who's hated his job and his life for years.
:'''Mark:''' (Must ring Dad).
<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' Oh dear, he's having an episode. Should I... ''put my hand on his arm''? No. That sets a precedent.

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Jez:''' I don't want to take another wank bullet. What, am I some kind of wank shield!?

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on.
:'''Jez:''' Oh, don't be a cock!
:'''Mark:''' I'm not a cock, but the cock has certainly crowed... thrice.
:'''Jez:''' When? What are you talking about?
:'''Mark:''' It means you've betrayed me, it's the New Testament. You cock!

<hr width="50%" />

:'''Mark:''' I don't think I wiped off that porn you recommended.
:'''Jez:''' I didn't recommend it Mark. I'm not Timeout.
:'''Mark:''' Yes you did - you gave it five stars!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' That's the single nicest thing Jez has ever done for me and it's completely ruined my life.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' It's a great boiler, it's just got a very idiosyncratic control panel. It's like the Jesus and Mary Chain of central heating control systems, difficult to get into initially, but then- so much to explore!

===''The Affair'' [6.4]===

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' So you'll buy tissue paper for me to wipe my sphincter, but you won't buy a bit of lube to aid the giving and receiving of pleasure?
:'''Mark:''' That's right.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Elena:''' Gail’s in Mensa. She reads books. For fun!

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Me and this Gail, we're just eating from different sides of the plate. I play woodwind, she's on brass.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' In, fire thirty percent of the workforce, new logo, ''boom'', out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Stick it on the laterbase!

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Print you damnable fudger.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Elena:''' Isn’t there a saying in life: “Whatever you don’t know makes you stronger”?
:'''Mark:''' No.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Elena:''' Maybe it would be better if you told him.
:'''Mark:''' Better for who? For you?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Gail:''' I'm in a relationship, Mark...and it's a same-sex relationship. And I don't find you attractive. Even speaking objectively.
:'''Mark:''' (Great! The big triple: uninterested, unavailable and physically repulsed.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (It’s NOT wireless! It doesn’t say it’s wireless… It needs wires!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' I'm freezing. Could you throw me a rope?
:'''Mark:''' I haven’t got a rope.
:'''Jez:''' What do you mean, you haven’t got a rope?
:'''Mark:''' I don't own a rope! I don't own a boat, or any cattle, or any of the things that ropes are useful for. What the hell would you do with a rope, anyway?
:'''Jez:''' Climb up it!
:'''Mark:''' Oh, sure. Climb up it, using your ''strength''.
:'''Jez:''' Well, you could pull me up.
:'''Mark:''' Yeah, I could haul you up using my ''muscles''.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' (What a bastard! Destroys my perfect love just because it's built on lies!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' It'd be like picking off bystanders with a sniper rifle: fun at first, but it would quickly become a depressing chore.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Suze! Have you seen the big scissors? Have you moved the big scissors?

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Even a dried up, dessicated old branflake on toast like you should be able to see that!
:'''Mark:''' (If I’m a branflake, he’s a slutty Sugar Puff!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Johnson:''' Did you make the bed? You're not my wife, Mark. I had a wife, I don't need another bullet in the head...okay? Righty righty!
:'''Mark:''' (I made his bed and got his tea, I ''am'' his wife!)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' I’m like Raffles! No? No clothes for Raffles. Raffles doesn’t deserve clothes.

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' You've known for two whole days! That's...sick!

===''The Party'' [6.5]===

:'''Dobby''': Hey Mark!!
:'''Mark''': Hi Dobbs. I just happened to be passing. I remember you were saying if I happened to be passing.. (Two buses here, three buses home. Five convenient buses.)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': Oh God, I can't believe I'm having a party!
:'''Jez''': I am so proud of you. There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing no-fly-zone with ten foot carrot up his ass.
:'''Mark''': Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex.
:'''Jez''': This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (Oh god this could be a disaster. I want a night of edgy banter and tipsy indiscretions, he wants us all lying around in our pants flinging shit at each other.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Big of you, inviting him.
:'''Mark''': I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' I need to get Gerrard incredibly fucked. Booze, drugs, whatever.
:'''Jez:''' Chemical castration; classic.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' Will you excuse me? I've got to go and give that ill-looking man an enormous drink.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Only downside is no Dobby. If it peaks before Dobby gets here, I've wasted good party.
:'''Jez:''' Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.
:'''Mark:''' What, like start a message and then say "Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I've got too much tit in my mouth."?
:'''Jez:''' Exactly
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Oh god, Elena.
:'''Mark''': ....
:'''Jez''': This is not all my chickens coming home to roost, Mark, all right? Don't stand there thinking it is.
:'''Mark''': I'm not Jez. (This is all his chickens coming home to roost. It's a roost-a-thon.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Good Will to all men! (Did I just say 'Good will to all men')
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Big Suze''': Mark - there's something wrong in the loo.
:'''Mark''': (God, she looks like she's witnessed a war crime.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Super Hans''': All right Jez.
:'''Jez''': Yeah, um, just an idea, would it be okay mate if you fucked off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Dobby, Come in. No need to explain what the hell you've been doing till this time.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Dobby mustn't see Gerrard. He's gone over the edge of reason. Get rid of him!
:'''Jez:''' Aye aye, captain.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Gayle. Great you could make it.
:'''Gayle''': Hi Jez.
:'''Jez''': (You're about to get dumped. Have a lager.)
:'''Gayle''': Thanks!
:'''Jez''': (Come on in to your emotional torture pit.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie''': What days do you want, Mark?
:'''Mark''': (I don't know, Easter and Shrove Tuesday?)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': (She's so suggestable, like a sexy robot anybody can hack into and program. Oh there it goes, lesbian kiss - and no one minds! Where are all the homophobes when you need them? God, people are so fickle.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Great. Gerrard gets Dobby and I get a pukey bucket of snake.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' (Oh what a disaster. Love is all you need. No, actually, Beatles. You also need a person to do it with; Beatles.

===''Das Boot'' [6.6]===

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (God she's huge. It's like Alien, if the alien was a human. Hmm, If I had to choose would I rather an alien burst out of my chest quickly, or was heaved out of my vagina slowly?)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': (He'll never be a lad.Boy to geek to drone.Thats the Corrigan trajectory)

<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' Sophie? Jeff says the baby's a boybe. Is it a boybe?
:'''Sophie:''' Yes!
:'''Mark:''' Right... almost makes it seem real.
:'''Sophie:''' Well it is real.
:'''Mark:''' Of course. (Totally doesn't feel real. maybe 1% more real now)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' I've been thinking about names, have you been thinking about names?
:'''Mark:''' Soph, it's early doors yet, we've a month and some weeks to go (I can get to Argentina in a month. Argentina and a face transplant?)
:'''Sophie:''' I was thinking 'Tarquin Oliver Nimrod'.
:''[Mark bursts out laughing]''
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Sophie:''' What would you call him? Mark? Mark Mark Corrigan III?
:'''Mark:''' No! Of course not, something... normal.
:'''Sophie:''' What's normal?
:'''Mark:''' I dunno.. Bruce, or something.
:'''Sophie:''' Bruce!?
:'''Mark:''' No, not Bruce.
:'''Sophie:''' Did you just say Bruce?
:'''Mark:''' No, I didn't mean Bruce, just a name in that area.
:'''Sophie:''' Little Bruce?
:'''Mark:''' No, not Bruce. Just a name like Bruce, not even that much like Bruce!
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''':(I'll stick with My high fat foods which will eventually kill Me and My play which is obviously never gonna happen)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''':(This would be so much easier if She wasn't a person with hopes and dreams and grasping clinging Arms)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''':(Its great being a wedding guest.You get to be an unpaid extra in the climactic scene of someone else's Rom-Com)
<hr width="50%" />
:''[Sophie hands Mark an envelope]''
:'''Mark''': (Hate mail? In person?!)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' The absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish, moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering, ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation. But you my friend are not evil.

== Series 7 ==
:'''Mark''':(He brings the insufferable music and then leaves. He's like the 1980s.)

:'''Mark''': Killing your enemies is a simple solution. Probably why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon

:'''Jez''':(No milk. Not black tea. I'm not some kind of monster!)

:'''Jez''': Zara says we have only one thing to fear, and that's fear itself..It's a clever saying, isn't it?
:'''Mark''': And what about losing all your money, or shitting yourself in public, or the tabloid press mistakingly outing you as a paedo or Alzheimer's patient, or all of those things plus you're drowning?

=== ''St Hospitals'' [7.1] ===
:''[Mark on Caesarian section]''
:'''Mark:''' (Holy fuck, living innards! I thought now it'd be all high tech, chip and pin, not London Dungeon!)

=== ''Man Jam'' [7.2] ===
:'''Mark''': (Never go to war with Stalin, Gerard. Uncle Joe doesn't play by your rules.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Supporting the woman whose partner is in a coma]''
:'''Jez''': We need to get you some answers. Is he going to pull through? You need to know. (I need to know. Right now I'm the supporting character in a weepy when I want to be the leading man in a porno.)

=== ''A Beautiful Mind'' [7.3] ===
:'''Mark''': ''[Watching Jeremy try to read Wuthering Heights]'' (Fascinating. It's like watching a sheep try to use an iPhone.)

=== ''Nether Zone'' [7.4] ===
:'''Jez''': Why do they have these brushes anyway? Who wants brushed post?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mark''': Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the ''masturbate-athon'' that is your life, to go to my son's christening?

=== ''Seasonal Beatings'' [7.5] ===
:'''Jez''': I'm a Christmasist.
:;Jez"'.no turkey on chrismas
You fucking cretin
That was your job

=== ''New Year's Eve'' [7.6] ===
:'''Mark''': I would have found that funnier if I hadn't been literally weeping in fear.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez''': Not the Hootenanny!? Never the Hootenanny! We're better than that.

== Series 8 ==

=== ''Jeremy Therapised'' [8.1] ===

:'''Jez''': (We could be the Chemical Toilet Brothers.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (So great that Dobby's agreed to move in. Just gotta close the deal. Get her into the flat and keep her locked down like [[w:Fritzl|Fritzl]]. No, not like Fritzl, like a nice normal loving guy who knows where she is at all times. Which at no point would be locked in the cellar.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez''': Jeff?!
:'''Mark:''' I think it's okay. Or do you think there's any chance he's trying to kill all of my offspring. Like [[w:Herod|Herod]].
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Dobby:''' Oh, Jez, Mark told me about you burning the band. Are you okay?
:'''Jez''': Yeah. I'm too big to fail.
:'''Mark:''' He doesn't know what that means.
:'''Jez''': I ''do'' know what that means.
:'''Mark:''' (He ''doesn't'' know what that means.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (What if I broke the microwave? Test case: if she buys a new one I know she's never moving in.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Yes Gerrard, but there's a sting in the tail, a scorpion in the Kinder Egg, a nail in the Toblerone, and… 'tis I.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Maybe Ian won't remember I gave him away to another man. If he does, he'll be some kind of memory genius. Yeah, my son hates me, but he can remember a full deck of cards and that's why he lives in Vegas.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' I've always got the Three 0h Walcott millions. 
:'''Mark:''' Jeremy's planning to sell the headline "Three Oh Walcott" to a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns thirty, and we've agreed not to argue whether that's a good plan. 
:'''Jez:''' It is a good plan. 
:'''Mark:''' I know.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Jez:''' (Right, therapy. What do I really want from therapy? A harsh, unremitting stare at the bare facts of my actual life. Ah, fuck that, he's eating a Twix! I can't take him seriously.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Hang on, this is prime therapy time. Oh I get it, the lady doth eat bhaji too much, methinks. I've seen behind the curtain. Ahoy there, moral high ground. He's wasting five hundred of my pounds, and it feels fantastic!)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' What did he die of? 
:'''Dobby:''' Flu. 
:'''Mark:''' He died of flu? Hey, Jeremy, Gerrard's died of flu. 
:'''Jez:''' Bull-shit 
:'''Mark:''' Seriously. 
:'''Jez:''' Bloody hell, that is SO Gerrard. 
:'''Mark:''' I know.
:'''Dobby:''' He had a weak immune system Mark. 
:'''Jez:''' He had a weak everything, to be fair Dobs.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (The reproachful, but still quite irritating, voice from beyond the grave.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Funeral parlour, massage parlour - those are the main parlours, aren't they? What's the link, both lying down? Except, pizza parlour?)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Interview then funeral, the ultimate combo. Minicab waiting, same outfit for both.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (This is a mega-funeral. It was a mega-interview. Hugh was the only real rival, but look what's happened to Gerrard. This is what I do to rivals, I put my rivals in the ground.)
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark:''' (Well played Gerard, you couldn't beat me on Earth so now you're shitting on me from heaven, like a dead jealous pidgeon)

=== ''Business Secrets of the Pharaohs'' [8.2] ===

:'''Mark:''' (This must be the greatest quantity of squeezable mustard ever present at a literary lunch.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jez:''' Look, I'm just going to say this. I love you Celia. (So great for a first date. Stone cold classic.)
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Celia:''' That is so true.
:'''Jez:''' (Of course it's true. I just made it up.)

=== ''Big Mad Andy'' [8.4] ===

:'''Mark:''' Robert, is Super Hans my boss now? Have you just promoted him?
:'''Robert:''' Well that depends how you define "boss".
:'''Mark:''' In the normal way?
:'''Robert:''' Then yes, he is.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Super Hans:''' I'm guessing: cat
:'''Mark:''' (Yes, and this cat's going to help me lure Dobby in, like a classic 70s paedo with a [[w:Ford Granada (Europe)|Ford Grenada]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dobby:''' We will do this for real, right? We will go [[w:interrailing|interrailing]]?
:'''Mark:''' (Ohh, she's insatiable. I don't want to sleep with strangers in hostels and never have a proper relaxed poo.) Yeah, sure.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' I've got medical training, I've got a certificate.
:'''Mark:''' I gave you the certificate. It's utterly meaningless.
:'''Jez:''' In a way, aren't all so called qualifications meaningless?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Wow, you're like a sexy, human, [[w:Duncan Bannatyne|Duncan Bannatyne]].)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (Am I expecting to have adulterous sex with Stephanie? I don't know. I did put my nice pants on. But then I also wore those to the [[w:Thames Diamond Jubilee Pageant|Jubilee pageant]])

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mark:''' (What can I get away with before it's sure-fire infidelity? A kiss on the lips? Some people say hello like that. Touch the waist? Another innocent greeting gesture. As long as she doesn't rub my penis. No-one says hello like that, other than in prison.)

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jez:''' (You're not letting me steal your girlfriend you total bastard.)

=== ''Chairman Mark'' [8.5] ===

:'''Jez''': (Good old fate. It does the hard work so you don't have to. Or am I thinking of flash?)
<hr width="50%" />

=== ''Quantocking II'' [8.6] ===

:'''Mark:''' Well, me and Dobby make a great team... Opposites attract!
:'''Jez:''' No they don't. Not really. That's just something scientists and people in horrible relationships say.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Mark''': I'll kill you, Jeremy, for trying to steal Dobby, and electrocuting me, and destroying my fucking pie!

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia|Peep Show (TV series)}}

[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Current shows]]

Absolute Power (comedy)

2014-05-27T20:07:33Z

YKWSG: /* Episode Two: Relaunch of The Sun */

'''''[[w:Absolute Power (comedy)|Absolute Power]]''''' (2000–2006) is a British comedy series, set in the offices of Prentiss McCabe, a fictional public relations company in London, run by Charles Prentiss (Stephen Fry) and Martin McCabe (John Bird). Its name is taken from a quote by the historian [[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]] that "power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely".

The series began on radio, then transferred to television.
__TOC__


== Radio Series 1 (2000)==
=== ''Episode One: Conservative Party'' ===
:'''Charles''': ''(to his bank manager)'' How far will you extend my overdraft, for the exclusive, unrestrained, or possibly restrained, use of my body?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': You were going to spend your redundancy money on a pub.
:'''Martin''': No, no, no. I was going to spend my redundancy money ''in'' a pub.

=== ''Episode Two: Relaunch of The Sun'' ===
:'''Editor of ''The Sun''''': I am a plain man.
:'''Charles''': Yes, yes, you really are, aren't you?
:'''Editor''': I like bums on seats.
:'''Charles''': I rather like them on bicycles.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': You have that talent peculiar to the mediocre, of stating the obvious in a way that brings out the genius in a genius.

=== ''Episode Three: Mayor of London'' ===
:'''Martin''': Ah, America, America, Land of the Arse.
:'''Charles''': I do so very beg your pardon?
:'''Martin''': It's true. They've all got them. Great big enormous ones. It's because they drink Coca Cola out of dustbins.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': ''(reading)'' "Congratulations, as usual. Appreciate what a difficult assignment this was, and have doubled your fee. Please ''eat'' this e-mail."

=== ''Episode Four: The Church of England'' ===
:'''Bishop of Bath and Wells''': I want you chaps to do what I believe you call a "product relaunch".
:'''Charles''': You want us to relaunch God?
<hr width="50%"/>
''Has the Church gone off-message?''
:'''Archie''': The Prime Minister was returning from a speaking engagement in the North last night, when he was confronted by a billboard. An enormous billboard, saying: "Don't make me come down there! – God"

=== ''Episode Five: Radio 3'' ===
''Writing a report on the future of Radio 3''
:'''Martin''': ''(reading aloud while typing)'' "So, in conclusion," erm...
:'''Charles''': Martin, it's no good typing "so, in conclusion" at the bottom of a blank screen.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Cuff O, backwards.

=== ''Episode Six: English Sporting Success'' ===
:'''Controller of BBC 1''': To a public service broadcaster, ratings are like sex: when you're getting plenty, they don't matter; when you're not getting ''any'', they matter lots.

== Radio Series 2 (2001)==
=== ''Episode One: Martin is Bored'' ===
:'''Charles''': Labour has just lost one of its safest seats.
:'''Martin''': How interesting(!)
:'''Charles''': Do I have to explain to you the significance of that?
:'''Martin''': You don't have to, Charles, no. Mind you, it might relieve the tedium, if the explanation involved pulling your trousers down and doing your impression of a [[w:swingometer|swingometer]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Do you happen to remember writing: "Dear Sirs, the reason I have not replied to your letters of the 26th and the 30th is that I couldn't be arsed. Yours in sport, Martin"?
:'''Martin''': Well, I may possibly have done. Why?
:'''Charles''': Well, because you e-mailed it to the [[w:Inland Revenue|Inland Revenue]], who have written back in distressed tones.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': I shall never forget that night I took you to [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]]'s. What was it you said? "If that bow-tied ponce serves me the squid ink, I will put it in a squid pen and write squid bollocks".

=== ''Episode Two: Promoting Philosophy'' ===
:'''Sandy''': We might have clients coming.
:'''Martin''': Well, as God once remarked to the people of [[w:Sodom and Gomorrah|Gomorrah: sod 'em]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gayle''': Now you're beginning to speak my language!
:'''Charles''': Oh, I'm not a beginner. I've always been fluent in Dirty Bastard.

=== ''Episode Three: Relaunching a Literary Career'' ===
''Lunching a client with undisguised contempt''
:'''Martin''': The salad of strawberry and feta cheese, please, and the chicken.
:'''Charles''': Smoked salmon and the confit of duck, I think.
:'''Waiter''': And for you, sir?
:'''Ralph Parsons''': Er, I'll have...
:'''Charles''': ''(interrupts quickly)'' An omelette!
:'''Ralph''': Oh.
:'''Charles''': And a bottle of Saint-Émilion. And a glass of Vimto for ''that''.

=== ''Episode Four: The Elderly Initiative'' ===
''Operation Shaft the Chancellor''
:'''Charles''': Where are you going?
:'''Martin''': I'm going to my club for a glass of claret.
:'''Charles''': But there's work to do!
:'''Martin''': My dear Charles, even a first-class mind requires lubrication before shafting.
<hr width="50%"/>
''The morning after Charles' breakdown''
:'''Martin''': If he should come in, show him some TCP.
:'''Sandy''': TLC, Mr McCabe.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': If there's one thing better than having a first-class mind, it's being a first-class bastard.

=== ''Episode Five: Prison Reform'' ===
:'''Martin''': I want my morning claret. The sun is over the yardarm. If it isn't, I'll get a new yardarm.

=== ''Episode Six: Gayle Shand'' ===
''Charles seems remarkably insouciant about the riot in Brixton prison''
:'''Martin''': They've taken two Labour MPs hostage!
:'''Charles''': The Prime Minister's got ''hundreds'' of Labour MPs!

== Radio Series 3 (2002)==
=== ''Episode One: Poking the PM'' ===
:'''Editor of the Daily Telegraph''': We're thought to be out of touch with the...what do you call it?
:'''Martin''': Zeitgeist?
:'''Editor''': We don't use German in the ''Telegraph'', Martin.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Archie''': Charles, this is the most secret secret in the history of secret secret secrets. It is for your eyes only, with your eyes closed.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': E-mail Clive: "see me to be sacked".

=== ''Episode Two: Health Service'' ===
:'''Archie''': Are you sure this is safe?
:'''Charles''': Of course this is safe! This is a dinner to celebrate outstanding achievement by British tennis players. There's nobody here at all!
<hr width="50%"/>
''With the threat of a general strike looming, Martin reviews Clive's work on the healthy eating campaign''
:'''Martin''': I'm not sure how the [[w:Advertising Standards Authority (United Kingdom)|Advertising Standards Authority]] will react to a fat naked man looking forlornly down, with a caption saying: "Can you see my point? Because I can't."
:'''Clive''': You did suggest a sexual theme.
:'''Martin''': Yes...Clive, you don't feel like going on strike now, do you?

=== ''Episode Three: Big Brother'' ===
''Toggle wants a career in show business on the basis of no talent whatsoever''
:'''Charles''': No, I'm sorry but Prentiss-McCabe has not sunk as low as that!
:'''Toggle''': I've been offered a quarter of a million to talk about my experiences.
:'''Charles''': How low would you like me to sink, exactly?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Morris, there are great men and men of weight, and waiters who get to clean the grate. Go and clean the grate, Morris!
:'''Maurice''': Oui, Monsieur.
:'''Martin''': Ah, that's more like it. You're much more fun when you're a complete bastard.

=== ''Episode Four: A Tennis Star'' ===
''After a trip abroad, Charles has given Archie a present: a pink luminous [[w:Leaning Tower of Pisa|Leaning Tower of Pisa]] ashtray''
:'''Charles''': Well, I thought to myself, "What can I get for a Labour spin doctor?" And then I realised: a large piece of meretricious tat. Something eye-catching, but worthless.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Clive has nearly reached the end of his probationary period''
:'''Martin''': Doesn't time fly when you're cocking things up?
:'''Clive''': It has been something of a learning curve.
:'''Martin''': A learning curve. Ah yes, you don't feel it's been more of an arrow pointing downwards, do you?

=== ''Episode Five: Men'' ===
:'''Charles''': Martin, when a potential new client comes to this office, you do not stand behind him with a sign saying "Loony Warning".
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Somebody did ring. I got all the way to the phone. Then I suddenly realised I couldn't be arsed.

== Television Series 1 (2003)==
=== ''Episode One: History Man'' ===
:'''Charles''': Nigel, are you familiar with your arse? Because your wife has just saved it. Now get us a drink.

=== ''Episode Two: Pope Idol'' ===
:'''Charles''': Well, if you want loyalty, buy a dog.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Alison Jackman''': Do you have any ethics at all?.
:'''Charles''': Now there's a theological question.
:'''Alison''': Surely one agency can’t possibly represent two people going for the same job. There must be rules about this sort of thing. Like, I don’t know, estate agents not acting for buyer and seller.
:'''Charles''': Not only can you represent the buyer and the seller, but you can steal all the light bulbs, pee in the sink and then go and live in the house after they’ve bought it. PR means never having to say you’re wrong. But…at the risk of sounding like your Uncle Albert, this is our little secret, alright?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Julia Stour (editor of the Daily News)''': It's a tabloid; three words is virtually ''[[w:War and Peace|War and Peace]]''.

=== ''Episode Three: Tory Woman'' ===
:'''Charles''': ''[Referring to a name on adultery suspect list]'' She's been dead for five years.
:'''Alison''': I thought she went to live in Portugal.
:'''Charles''': A not dissimilar experience.

=== ''Episode Four: Mr Fox'' ===
:'''Charles''': I think this calls for the Ethiopian strategy.
:'''Martin''': Which is?
:'''Charles''': If you're hungry, go on television and appeal.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin: ''' A sound gun on a windy night fails to distinguish between two words that fall similarly on the ear. Could it be that the minister is in fact saying, "What's a boy to do to get a ''fox'' round here?"

=== ''Episode Five: Country Life'' ===
:'''Lord Harcourt:''' Now, one of you I've met before, and the other one has the brains. Which is which? ''[to Charles]'' I think you must be Jimmy.
:'''Charles:''' Er, Charles, sir. A bit like Jimmy, but all the letters are different.
:'''Lord Harcourt:''' What? You'll have to speak up; I've got aids in both ears.
:'''Charles:''' I said...you've got what?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles:''' Martin, you made this bed. Prepare to eat it!

=== ''Episode Six: Crash and Burn'' ===

== Radio Series 4 (2004)==
=== ''Episode One: The BBC'' ===
:'''Charles''': There's nothing even Prentiss-McCabe can teach this Prime Minister about deception. Except how to do it properly, I suppose.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Charles, does it occur to you that Archie must have been promoted?
:'''Charles''': What?
:'''Martin''': Well, somebody must have replaced their media supremo, whatever his name was...[[w:Alastair Campbell|Alas-it's-a Shambles]].

=== ''Episode Two: The Notion of Nation'' ===
''Clive has been commissioned to give some tabloid appeal to the annual [[w:The Boat Race|University Boat Race]]''
:'''Charles''': Clive, what in the name of aquatic insanity possessed you to introduce a shoal of piranha between Putney and Mortlake?!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Martin is bored with signing copies of his book''
:'''Publisher''': The thing is: you haven't signed all of them in your own name. A woman came up to me last night. She'd wanted you to sign a copy for her sister, and you'd written: "Yours in sport, the Dalai Lama". And then there was that poor woman in Yeovil, the one whose book you signed: "All the best, Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

=== ''Episode Three: Healthy Eating'' ===
''Apparently, the Prime Minister is a fitness fanatic''
:'''Archie''': He's got his own gym in Number 10. He's always up there.
:'''Charles''': Except when he's clutching his chest and falling over.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Clive has been left in charge of the healthy eating campaign''
:'''Archie''': What's this?
:'''Clive''': Well, there is a term of abuse which is sometimes applied to a person who's overweight.
:'''Archie''': I'm familiar with the term. I've just never seen one made out of actual lard before.

=== ''Episode Four: US Presidential Campaign'' ===
:'''Alexandra''': It is imperative that the President is re-elected. The future of the free world depends upon it.
:'''Charles''': ''(scornfully)'' No, it doesn't!
:'''Alexandra''': OK, my job depends upon it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': You know, it's one of the great regrets of my life that I was too young for [[w:Watergate scandal|Watergate]].
:'''Archie''': Watergate was a monumental cock-up, Charles.
:'''Charles''': Only because I wasn't there.

== Television Series 2 (2005) ==
=== ''Episode One: The Nation's Favourite'' ===
:'''Charles''': Lionel Blackmore could start a punch-up in a room full of nuns.

=== ''Episode Two: The Trial'' ===
:'''Martin''': Charles, Helena is costing us precisely ₤535.68 an hour before VAT. I think the least we can do is to pay attention!
:'''Charles''': Oh, I'm sorry, Helena. I didn't realise QCs needed people to ''listen'' in order for them to talk.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': ''[To Alison]'' Look, if you’re going to speak too, you’re going to make this take a lot longer.

=== ''Episode Three: Blood Bank'' ===
:'''Charles''': Humour, where would we be without it? In Germany, probably.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles:''' At Prentiss-McCabe we care deeply about the little people. Unless they get in our way; then we hurt them.

=== ''Episode Four: Identity Crisis'' ===
:''What sort of character would oppose the introduction of ID cards?''
:'''Jamie''': Mustapha Allawallah, suicide bomber.
:'''Nick''': Fingers Ratner, housebreaker.
:'''Jamie''': Seamus O'Anus, Irish terrorist.
:'''Cat''': Uncle Fumble, paedophile.
:'''Jamie''': Johnny Junk-Bum, drug smuggler.
:'''Alison''': Mr Asylum Seeker. The asylum seeker.
:'''Charles''': Yes, we might want to brainstorm that name a bit.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Television is not for watching; it's for being on.

=== ''Episode Five: Spinning America'' ===
:'''Charles''': It'd be so much easier if politics were like software: they could just call it Bollocks 1, Bollocks 1.1, Bollocks XP Home Edition...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': I love the smell of a career burning in the morning.

=== ''Episode Six: The House of Lords'' ===
:'''Charles''': Besides, Priestley’s new office is so far away from the centre of power that if Number Ten got nuked, he’d merely looked tanned.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': ''[To job applicant]'' Well, thank you for coming in and being so time-consuming.

== Cast ==

* [[w:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] - Charles Prentiss
* [[w:John Bird|John Bird]] - Martin McCabe

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Absolute Power (series)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0386149|title=Absolute Power}}
* {{Tv.com show|id=22699|title=Absolute Power}}
* [http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/guide/articles/a/absolutepower_999031110.shtml BBC Comedy Guide page]

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Radio shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]

Frasier

2014-05-11T00:21:08Z

YKWSG: /* Room with a View (10.8) */

'''''[[w:Frasier|Frasier]]''''' (16 September 1993 – 13 May 2004) is an American TV [[w:situation comedy|situation comedy]], a spin-off of the television show ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]''. The show was critically acclaimed and won a record 37 Emmy Awards during its run.

==Season 1==
=== ''[[w:The Good Son (Frasier)|The Good Son]]'' [1.1] ===
:'''[[w:Frasier Crane|Frasier]]''': Six months ago, I was living in [[w:Boston|Boston]]. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Niles Crane|Niles]]''': I thought you liked my Maris!
:'''Frasier''': I do, I... I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun... except without the warmth.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Niles Crane|Niles]]''': Remember what mom always said: A handshake is as good as a hug.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': the rest of the show was pretty good. It was a good show, wasn't it.
:'''Roz''': Here, your brother called.
:'''Frasier''': Roz in the trade we call that avoidance. Don't change the subject. Tell me what you think.
:'''Roz''': Did I ever tell you what this little button does?
:'''Frasier''': I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
:'''Roz''': Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of 28 seconds of dead air, you scrambled the stations call letters, you spilt yoghurt on the control board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis, as "Jeff".
:''[Pause]''
:'''Frasier''': You say my brother called.

=== ''[[w:Space Quest (Frasier)|Space Quest]]'' [1.2] ===
:'''Frasier''': Thanks, Niles. You are a good brother and a credit to the psychiatric profession.
:'''Niles''': You're a good brother, too.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': So what you're saying is you want to be closer to Dad, but you don't actually want him ''around.''

=== ''[[w:Dinner at Eight (Frasier)|Dinner at Eight]]'' [1.3] ===
:'''Frasier''': I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
:'''Martin''': He cut you off!
:'''Frasier''': That doesn't matter. You do not antagonise a man whose bumper sticker says: "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you!"
:'''Martin''': Big talk from a Volvo.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Daphne]'' She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.

=== ''[[w:I Hate Frasier Crane|I Hate Frasier Crane]]'' [1.4] ===
:'''Niles''': Sorry I'm late, Frasier. Just as we were leaving, Maris had a run-in with a rude directory assistance operator, and it shattered her calm.
:'''Frasier''': You know, Niles, have you ever considered that maybe Maris is a bit high-strung, that maybe she should see someone?
:'''Niles''': She's seen everyone. Why do you think she was calling directory assistance?

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': As some of you may know, yesterday I was mentioned in Derek Mann's "Mann About Town" column. He said, and I quote, "I Hate Frasier Crane"... "I Hate Frasier Crane." What trenchant criticism. Move aside, [[Voltaire]]. Step back in the shadows, [[H. L. Mencken]]. There's a new kid in town. One can only wonder how many hours Derek Mann sat in the glow of his computer screen before his trembling fingers sprang to life and pecked out this ''chef d'oeuvre'': "I... ''hate''... Frasier Crane."

=== ''[[w:Here's Looking At You (Frasier)|Here's Looking At You]]'' [1.5] ===
:''[Frasier cannot fathom why Martin stopped speaking to Irene after one phone call]''
:'''Niles''': Who knows why anybody does anything?
:'''Frasier''': ''[looks incredulously at him]'' Remind me again what you do for a living.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': How can anyone make a sound judgement about another person on the basis of one phone call?
:'''Niles''': ''[looks back]'' Remind me again what it is ''you'' do for a living.

=== ''[[w:The Crucible (Frasier)|The Crucible]]'' [1.6] ===
:'''Frasier''': By the way, where's Maris? I haven't seen her all night.
:'''Niles''': She's on your bed.
:'''Frasier''': My bed?
:'''Niles''': Yes, she's asleep under the guests' coats. She exhausts easily under the pressure to be interesting.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': God, I hate lawyers.
:'''Niles''': Me, too. But they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.

=== ''[[w:Call Me Irresponsible (Frasier)|Call Me Irresponsible]]'' [1.7] ===
:''[Catherine is crying]''
:'''Frasier''': Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. You're in a place of business here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Catherine''': Your wife is really lucky.
:'''Frasier''': Well, I'm sure she'd say the same thing, especially now that our marriage is over.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne''': My grandfather used to nap every afternoon. He lived to be 93.
:'''Martin''': Really?
:'''Daphne''': He'd lie there on the sofa and you couldn't wake him for the world. Grammy would say: "He might as well be a dead man." Then, of course, one day we couldn't wake him. He really was a dead man. Poor Grammy. For weeks, she kept insisting: "He's napping, he's napping."

<hr width=50%>
:''[Martin and Daphne are singing Deck the Halls]''
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me, excuse me. Exactly how long have I been asleep?

=== ''[[w:Beloved Infidel (Frasier)|Beloved Infidel]]'' [1.8] ===
:''[Dinner with Niles holds several surprises]''
:'''Frasier''': You know, Niles, maybe you should have that [[w:Martini (cocktail)|Martini]] after all.
:'''Niles''': I can't, Frasier; I'm driving.
:'''Frasier''': ''[still reading the menu]'' Not anymore; they just towed your car.

=== ''[[w:Selling Out (Frasier)|Selling Out]]'' [1.9] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[to a caller]'' Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': The thought of a doctor selling things is kind of distasteful, isn't it?
:'''[[w:Daphne Moon|Daphne]]''': What about Dr Sneezy's cold medicine?
:'''Frasier''': Dr Sneezy is a cartoon character. The fact that he's a giant purple hippopotamus probably should have tipped you off.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the subject of a film (likely to have been ''[[Basic Instinct]]'')]''
: '''Niles''': Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat; her room, as you know, is across the hall!

=== ''[[w:Oops! (Frasier)|Oops!]]'' [1.10] ===
:'''Niles''': I really must go. I'm hosting a seminar on [[w:Dissociative identity disorder|multiple personality disorders]] and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

=== ''[[w:Death Becomes Him (Frasier)|Death Becomes Him]]'' [1.11] ===
:'''Frasier''': Roz, why is it that whenever we try to have a serious discussion, we always end up talking about your sex life?
:'''Roz''': ''[smugly]'' Because ''I'' have one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[It seems that Doctor Newman was both healthy and in good shape when he died]''
:'''Allen''': Did you know he had less than 10 percent body fat on him?
:'''Frasier''': My goodness. Has anybody checked to see if he's really dead?

=== ''[[w:Miracle on Third or Fourth Street|Miracle on Third or Fourth Street]]'' [1.12]===
:''[As Frasier presents the Christmas Day show, more and more depressing tales of woe are heard.]''
:'''Caller''': I remember that Christmas when I ran into my mother's room, tears streaming down my face, and I said "Mummy, Mummy, the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up."

=== ''[[w:Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast|Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast]]'' [1.13] ===
:'''Frasier''': I'm having a young lady over on Friday night. I was hoping that maybe you could take Dad out for me.
:'''Niles''': Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday.
:'''Frasier''': Why? You have plans Friday?
:'''Niles''': No, I have plans Saturday.

=== ''[[w:Can't Buy Me Love (Frasier)|Can't Buy Me Love]]'' [1.14] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[about Maris]'' She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
:'''Daphne''': Oh, dear... Did a plane almost crash?
:'''Niles''': No, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Bulldog''': Hey, T.J.! How was it, man?
:'''T.J. Smith''': It was horrible! They're like sharks in a feeding frenzy! The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye!
:''[Roz walks in]''
:'''Roz''': Where do I pay?
:'''Frasier''': Roz!
:'''Roz''': I saw what I wanted and I went after it!

=== ''You Can't Tell a Crook By His Cover'' [1.15] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[showing Martin around the station]'' Now, don't touch that! It's a very sophisticated piece of electronic equipment!
:'''Martin''': What is it?
:'''Frasier''': I have no idea. Roz told me never to touch it!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': My [[w:Taekwondo|taekwondo]] instructor says I'm just two moves away from becoming quite threatening.

=== ''The Show Where Lilith Comes Back'' [1.16] ===
:''[Lilith is criticising Frasier's advice on air]''
:'''Frasier''': Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
:'''Lilith''': What do you mean by "celebrity"?
:'''Frasier''': ''[darkly]'' Oh, they know you!
<hr width=50%>
:''[Frasier is very annoyed that Roz has put Lilith's call through on his show]''
:'''Frasier''': Roz, what exactly does "[[w:call screening|call screening]]" mean?
:'''Roz''': ''[smugly]'' It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Do you wanna bag dinner?
:'''Lilith''': There's a bed and an honor bar, what more do we need?
:'''Frasier''': Come to me, my white-hot flame!
:''[Lilith jumps into Frasier's arms, and he carries her to the bed behind them.]''
:'''Lilith''': I was insane to divorce you!
:'''Frasier''': You're in my every waking thought!
:'''Lilith''': You're the only man I've ever loved!
:'''Frasier''': So are you!

=== ''[[w:A Mid-Winter Night's Dream|A Mid-Winter Night's Dream]]'' [1.17] ===
:''[Daphne offers to cook for Niles and Maris]''
:'''Niles''': Just bear in mind: she can't have shellfish, poultry, red meat, [[w:Saturated fat|saturated fats]], nitrates, wheat, starch, sulphites, [[w:Monosodium glutamate|MSG]] or dairy... Did I say nuts?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, I think that's implied!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is worried about Niles and Daphne alone in Niles' house.]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a Gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting [[w:Wuthering Heights|"Heathcliff!"]] across the moors!

=== ''And the Whimper Is...'' [1.18] ===
:'''Niles''': I really must run. I'm due at my sexual addiction group, and I don't like to leave them alone for too long.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Bebe narrowly avoids making an [[w:ageism|ageist]] remark about Fletcher Grey when she sees Martin]''
:'''Bebe''': You're even more handsome than the last time I saw you. If I were twenty years older, they couldn't keep me away from you.
:'''Martin''': That's why I keep this cane.

=== ''Give Him the Chair!'' [1.19] ===
:''[Eddie is heard barking.]''
:'''Frasier''': What's the matter with him?
:'''Daphne''': He saw your father's chair was gone, and he's afraid it means your father's gone, too. I think he suspects foul play.
:'''Frasier''': ''[to Eddie]'' Oh, stop it! If I had stuck Dad's feet into a bucket of cement and thrown him into Puget Sound, you would have been the tiny little splash that followed him!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': I just need a comfortable place to park my fanny.
:'''Frasier''': How about Florida?
:'''Martin''': I heard that.

=== ''[[w:Fortysomething (Frasier)|Fortysomething]]'' [1.20] ===
:''[Frasier explains his quandary to Niles in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]]]''
:'''Frasier''': The other day I was asked out by this twenty-two year old girl that I met in a [[w:Shopping mall|mall]].
:'''Niles''': That ''is'' alarming.
:'''Frasier''': Well, I turned her down.
:'''Niles''': No, no, you were in a mall. Did anyone see you?
<hr width=50%>
:''[Niles has discovered a new party game, in which contestants select a meal, [[w:aria|aria]] and wine to take to a desert island. He gives his choices]''
:'''Niles''': The ''coulibiac'' of salmon at [[w:Guy Savoy|Guy Savoy]], "[[w:Vissi d'arte|Vissi d'arte]]" from ''[[w:Tosca|Tosca]]'', and the [[w:Côtes du Rhône AOC|Côtes du Rhône]] [[w:Châteauneuf-du-Pape AOC|Châteauneuf-du-Pape]] '47.
:'''Frasier''': You are ''so'' predictable!

=== ''Travels With Martin'' [1.21] ===
:'''Frasier''': Niles, if Dad and I get into a [[w:Winnebago Industries|Winnebago]], only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us!
:'''Niles''': Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my [[w:Bone marrow|bone marrow]] and one of my kidneys; but this is an imposition.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': I'm sorry, Frasier. I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made out of [[w:Miller Lite|Miller Lite]] cans. This is my final word: I'm ''not'' going.
:''[Martin and Daphne enter.]''
:'''Martin''': Great news! Daphne's coming, too.
:'''Niles''': And so am I!

=== ''Author, Author'' [1.22] ===
:'''Niles''': All my life I have dreamed of one thing: the day I could go into a library, go to the card catalogue and see my name under "Mental Illness."
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': What we need is a good opening sentence. Something that will smack the reader right between the eyes, and then take him on a virtual roller-coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery.
:'''Niles''': Frasier, while you were over there, mixing metaphors like a [[w:Cuisinart|Cuisinart]], I've had a breakthrough.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[While brawling over thier inability to write a book, due to their sibling rivalry]''
:'''Niles''': My God, My God! I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!
:'''Frasier''': ''You stole my mommy!''

=== ''Frasier Crane's Day Off'' [1.23] ===
:''Frasier is clearly ill, but reluctant to miss work''
:'''Frasier''': Well Dad, as you've often said, "If you can walk, you can work". Took sort of an ironic twist when you got shot in the hip!
:'''Martin''': Well, at least I had a ''real'' job! Half your listening audience hears voices already, the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After Niles initially refused to fill in for his brother, Frasier says he does not possess the right qualities anyway]''
:'''Niles''': Frasier, this pathetic attempt at [[w:reverse psychology|reverse psychology]] is beneath you!
:'''Frasier''': Then you're not going to do my show?
:'''Niles''': No, I ''am'' going to do your show, and I'm going to do it better than you ever ''dreamed'' of doing it!
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles is substituting for Frasier on his radio show.]''
:'''Niles''': Although I feel perfectly qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes, I should warn you that while Frasier is a [[w:Freudian|Freudian]], I am a [[w:Jungian|Jungian]]. So there'll be no blaming mother today!
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After a drug-addled Frasier has locked himself in the studio]''
:'''Roz''': Can I get security up here? Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge and he's gone insane!

=== ''My Coffee with Niles'' [1.24] ===
:'''Frasier''': I asked Dad to get me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? "What's the magic word?"
:'''Niles''': You're kidding.
:'''Frasier''': He didn't think it was very amusing when I said, "Rest home!"

==Season 2==
=== ''Slow Tango in South Seattle'' [2.1] ===
:''[During an interview for [[w:KACL (Frasier)|KACL]], the author is asked about the inspiration for his book. Frasier is listening outside]''
:'''Fallow''': Well, it was actually given to me…by God.
:'''Frasier''': By GOD? Do you believe this guy's grandiosity? I'm God, and he knows it!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': You know how hard it is to lie to someone's face.
:'''Roz''': Oh, no, it's easy for someone as bright and charming and articulate as you.
:'''Frasier''': Well, then, perhaps you're right.
:'''Roz''': See how easy it is.

=== ''[[w:The Unkindest Cut of All|The Unkindest Cut of All]]'' [2.2] ===
:''[Martin is annoyed by Frasier's repeated instructions to take Eddie to the vet]''
:'''Martin''': If anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. ''[exits]''
:'''Niles''': You ever noticed how much faster he moves when he's wrong?

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Daphne''': ''[about drawer-dividers for socks]'' I saw them once in a catalogue, but I couldn't imagine who in the world would buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet.
:'''Martin''': I used to think there'd been some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along, it shot that theory all to hell.

=== ''[[w:The Matchmaker (Frasier)|The Matchmaker]]'' [2.3] ===
:''[Daphne explains that the [[w:smoke detector|smoke alarm]] over her bed went off]''
:'''Daphne''': God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Roz''': God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet.
:'''Frasier''': Yes, well I was up 'til all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which of us has the more pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won.

=== ''[[w:Flour Child|Flour Child]]'' [2.4] ===
:'''Martin''': One minute it's just a blob in some lady's stomach, the next minute it's a person. Blob... Person.
:'''Frasier''': The miracle of birth, summed up in one poetic phrase.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles' bag of flour is showing signs of fire damage after being dried beside the [[w:hearth|hearth]]]''
:'''Frasier''': He caught on fire?
:'''Niles''': It was not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have ''cried'' before it burst into flames.

=== ''[[w:Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye|Duke's We Hardly Knew Ye]]'' [2.5] ===
:''[Daphne is dressed up for a date, and is testing her [[w:perfume|perfume]] when Niles arrives]''
:'''Niles''': ''[sniffs around Daphne]'' Is that "Forbidden"?
:'''Frasier''': In every sense of the word!

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Martin reveals the truth about MeadowWood Properties' demolition plans while proposing a toast, prompting his sons to down their boilermakers]''
:'''Martin''': To Duke's!
:'''Regulars''': To Duke's!
:'''Frasier''': ''[to Duke]'' Two more!

=== ''[[w:The Botched Language of Cranes|The Botched Language of Cranes]]'' [2.6] ===
:''[Frasier has declined to make a personal appearance at a hospital.]''
:'''Roz''': What? You're turning down a hospital?
:'''Frasier''': Don't look at me that way.
:'''Roz''': Hey, I'm with you. I hate the way those whiny sick people are always nagging you for things. "I want a magazine!" "I want a kidney!"

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': Good afternoon, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780. Well, it's another gray, depressing day here in the Emerald City. Here's hoping we can brighten up your afternoon. We hold it our personal duty to banish your rainy day blues. But first, a message from a new sponsor. ''[reads]'' "Death is inevitable"...

=== ''[[w:The Candidate (Frasier)|The Candidate]]'' [2.7] ===
:'''Daphne''': It makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
:'''Frasier''': You don't need guns: you got [[w:steak and kidney pie|kidney pie]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Despite a shocking revelation about Patterson, Niles is still keen for him to defeat Thorpe]''
:'''Niles''': Can you tell me, with any certainty, that in such a vast universe there isn't intelligent life on other planets?
:'''Frasier''': At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.

=== ''[[w:Adventures in Paradise (Part I)|Adventures in Paradise]]'' [2.8] ===
:''[Martin remembers how he met his wife.]''
:'''Martin''': Hester was a psychiatrist, so every now and again the department would have her run up a profile on a suspect. I remember the first time I met her. It was over the chalk outline of a murder victim. She drew a little smile on the head of the outline, and I drew a pair of eyes, and before you knew it we were laughing like a couple of kids.
:'''Frasier''': Dad, you're a ghoul.
:'''Martin''': I was joking. We couldn't draw on the outline. They hadn't moved the body yet.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles' [[w:Freudian slip|Freudian slip]]]''
:'''Niles''': If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? Someone who ''really'' excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable [[w:Maris Crane|Maris]]!…Marriage…I have to go now.

=== ''[[w:Adventures in Paradise (Part II)|Adventures in Paradise (Part II)]]'' [2.9] ===
:''[Lilith introduces her boyfriend to Frasier]''
:'''Lilith''': Brian is a [[w:seismology|seismologist]] at [[w:Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]].
:'''Frasier''': Oh, well, that's perfect: Brian being a seismologist, and you having ''so many'' [[w:Fault (geology)|faults]].

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier is angry with Lilith for interrupting his time with Madeline]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart but I don't think anything could kill you!

=== ''[[w:Burying a Grudge|Burying a Grudge]]'' [2.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': There's nothing wrong with Maris that wouldn't be cured by a little sun, some exercise and a personality.

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Daphne''': I had a mole removed.
:'''Niles''': Where?
:'''Daphne''': Just south of Manchester.
:'''Niles''': I meant, where on your body?
:'''Daphne''': So did I.

=== ''[[w:Seat of Power|Seat of Power]]'' [2.11] ===
:''[Confronted with Danny again, Niles is having trouble controlling his anger. Frasier takes him in hand]''
:'''Niles''': I can't go in there and talk to him. If the coward turns his back on me, I'll attack him again!
:'''Frasier''': No you won't. You're not a child any more. Now come with me: I'm taking you to the [[w:bathroom|bathroom]]!

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Martin''': Oh, for God's sake, Eddie, don't drink out of the toilet! Some guy just had his head in there!

=== ''[[w:Roz in the Doghouse|Roz in the Doghouse]]'' [2.12] ===
:''[Roz intervenes on Frasier's show with some advice of her own]''
:'''Frasier''': Who's next, Roz?
:'''Roz''': If you ask me, it's divorced people you want to watch out for. If someone's never been married, it might just mean they're a careful shopper, whereas your divorcé will buy any old piece of fruit without even giving it a squeeze first.
:'''Frasier''': The preceding was an unbiased opinion from my never-been-married producer, Roz, who, incidentally, has squeezed more fruit than [[w:Tropicana Products|Tropicana]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne is giving Roz's ankle a much-appreciated [[w:massage|massage]]]''
:'''Roz''': Whatever Frasier's paying you, it's not enough.
:'''Daphne''': Actually, I'd need a raise to get me to "not enough".

=== ''[[w:Retirement is Murder|Retirement is Murder]]'' [2.13] ===
:''[Frasier has an idea for how to take Martin's mind away from the murder case: the basketball game]''
:'''Frasier''': It's the archetypal [[w:male bonding|male bonding]] ritual.
:'''Niles''': Couldn't we just go to the woods, kill something and have done with it?

=== ''Fool Me Once, Shame on You, Fool Me Twice...'' [2.14] ===
:'''Frasier''': I'm a humane man, but right now I could kick a kitten through an electric fan.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier is waiting in Café Nervosa for a man who claims he can return his stolen briefcase. Niles discovers it contained his car keys]''
:'''Niles''': Frasier, the person who has your car keys asked you to meet him here knowing you would bring your car?
:'''Frasier''': Now, now, before you launch into one of your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be… ''[turns to look through the window]'' MOVING DOWN THE STREET! Oh, my God! ''[leaps up and rushes out of the door]'' Stop! Stop that well-dressed man!

=== ''[[w:You Scratch My Book...|You Scratch My Book...]]'' [2.15] ===
:''[Niles has advised Daphne to reinvest her money from the sale of her shares. Frasier walks in and wonders why she looks so excited]''
:'''Daphne''': Well, your brother just gave me $200, and now he's going to roll me over.
<hr width=50%/>
:''[Niles is laughing while perusing Dr. Snow's manuscript]''
:'''Frasier''': Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting.
:'''Niles''': I can't help it. Have you read this?
:'''Frasier''': I'm trying to recommend a book. Reading it doesn't help.

=== ''[[w:The Show Where Sam Shows Up|The Show Where Sam Shows Up]]'' [2.16] ===
:''[Sam is telling Frasier about his fiancée]''
:'''Sam''': She's a terrific person. She's smart, she's funny, she's horny. I mean, she's just the kinda chick you wanna stick up on a [[w:pedestal|pedestal]].
:'''Frasier''': You know, Sam, it's always amazed me how you can elevate and demean in the same sentence.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Just after they meet Sheila, Frasier reveals to Roz and Niles that he slept with her]''
:'''Roz''': ''You'' slept with ''her''?
:'''Niles''': On what [[w:desert island|desert island]] with no hope of rescue was this?!

===''[[w:Daphne's Room|Daphne's Room]]'' [2.17] ===
:''[Niles wonders how to reconcile with Maris]''
:'''Martin''': When your mother got mad at me, I'd just grab her, bend her backwards and give her a kiss that made her glad she was a woman.
:'''Niles''': I can't do that with Maris. She has abnormally rigid [[w:vertebra|vertebrae]]; she'd snap like a twig.

<hr width=50%/>
:''[Frasier does not approve of Niles buying Maris a car]''
:'''Frasier''': I happen to think that bribery is the wrong way for couples to resolve their conflicts.
:'''Niles''': And during which of your failed marriages did you hone that theory?

=== ''The Club'' [2.18] ===
:'''Martin''': Boy, you and Niles. It's been the same since you were kids. If one of you has something, the other one always has to have it, too. I had to buy two Balinese lutes, two découpage kits, two pairs of lederhosen. When you finally moved out of the house, that was one embarrassing garage sale.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': My brother is too kind. He was already eminent, while my eminence was merely... imminent.

=== ''Someone To Watch Over Me'' [2.19] ===
:'''Niles''': Well, as some illustrious person once said, "Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
:'''Frasier''': You just made that up, didn't you?
:'''Niles''': Yes, but I stand by it.

=== ''[[w:Breaking The Ice (Frasier)|Breaking The Ice]]'' [2.20] ===
:''[Niles is bemused by the smell of Martin's [[w:fishing tackle|tackle]] box covered by Daphne's [[w:air freshener|air freshener]]]''
:'''Niles''': It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne encourages Frasier to go ice fishing with Martin]''
:'''Frasier''': So you're suggesting that I go along and pretend I'm enjoying myself in something that gives me absolutely no pleasure at all just to hear the words "I love you"?
:'''Daphne''': Why not? Women have been doing it for centuries.

=== ''[[w:An Affair to Forget|An Affair to Forget]]'' [2.21] ===
:'''Martin''': Seattle's a big city. I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors, each one with dozens of students.
:'''Frasier''': Yes, but are they wealthy students?
:'''Martin''': ''[sarcastically]'' No, they're inner-city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream.

<hr width=50%>
:''[Niles accuses Gunnar in English, which Frasier translates into Spanish for Marta, so she can tell Gunnar in German]''
:'''Gunnar''': ''Schweinhund!'' ''[draws his sword]''
:'''Niles''': Alright, fine! You want to challenge me? ''En garde!''
:'''Frasier''': Oh, yes, Niles! That's just what we need: a ''fourth'' language.

=== ''[[w:Agents in America, Part III|Agents in America, Part III]]'' [2.22] ===
:''[Frasier is watching a daytime soap opera with Daphne and Martin]''
:'''Frasier''': My God, in one scene they've got Sky, Xena and Slate!
:'''Daphne''': I don't think someone called "Frasier" should be pointing any fingers.
:'''Frasier''': Is this the way you spend your days when I'm not at home?
:'''Daphne''': Not quite. When you're not home, I can bloody well hear what they're saying!
:'''Frasier''': Well, you wouldn't want to miss a line of this dialogue: "Oh [[w:Zirconia|Zirconia]], can't you see Stone doesn't love you; he loves [[w:Placenta|Placenta]]!"
<hr width=50%/>
:''[After Bebe has treated Daphne as a slave, she brings Bebe a snack]''
:'''Daphne''': Will there be anything else?
:'''Bebe''': No, you run along, I'm fine.
:'''Daphne''': You're sure now? Because I could wait until you've finished the biscuit and [[w:dental floss|floss]] your teeth for you!

=== ''[[w:The Innkeepers (Frasier)|The Innkeepers]]'' [2.23] ===
:''(Gil announces that Orsini's is closing.)''
:'''Gil''': And so tonight a sad adieu to the ''grande dame'' of Seattle restaurants.
:'''Roz''': ''(aside to Frasier)'' I thought he was the ''grande dame'' of Seattle restaurants

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!
:'''Niles''': Wait, wait! What?
:'''Frasier''': I'm serious! Every restaurant critic in Seattle is out there and they all want anguille, so start killing eels!
:'''Niles''': Wait, wait. How do you suggest I do that?
:'''Frasier''': How do I know? You're the chef. Throw a toaster in the damn tank for all I care!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': How much fire power do you suppose is necessary to embed a cherry in an acoustic ceiling tile?
:'''Frasier''': Another question we should have asked ourselves before we entered the exciting world of food service.

=== ''[[w:Dark Victory|Dark Victory]]'' [2.24] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[to Frasier]'' You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! ''[turns]'' Happy birthday, Dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin blows out the candles of his birthday cake at the same time the power goes out.]''
:'''Niles''': Well, at least we know there's nothing wrong with Dad's lungs...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles leaves Frasier's apartment during a power outage. He returns a few minutes later, gasping for breath]''
:'''Niles''': Nineteen floors down to my car! Garage door's electric! Can't open! Twenty floors back up! Lost count! Bad lady upstairs! Big dog! Need place to die!

==Season 3==
=== ''[[w:She's the Boss (Frasier)|She's the Boss]]'' [3.1] ===
:''When Martin learns that Frasier's new boss is a woman, he expects his son to resent the situation''
:'''Frasier:''' If I had trouble taking orders from a woman, [[w:Minor characters on Frasier#Frederick Gaylord Crane|Frederick]] would never have been conceived!
<hr width=50%/>
:''Eddie's barking at the Doberman upstairs is keeping Frasier awake. He is wearing a [[w:Elizabethan collar|space collar]] following a recent fight''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, for God's sake! I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a [[w:megaphone|megaphone]]!

=== ''[[w:Shrink Rap (Frasier)|Shrink Rap]]'' [3.2] ===
:''Frasier has conscripted Daphne and Martin to help him move into Niles' office''
:'''Martin:''' You know the best thing about gettin' old? Your hair may turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to walk with a cane…but people still ask you to help them move!
<hr width=50%/>
:''In the midst of an argument, Niles has just stormed out of his group therapy session, followed by his brother''
:'''Niles:''' Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it!
:'''Frasier:''' You are not scaring me…the thumb goes on the ''outside'', Niles! On the ''outside''!

=== ''[[w:Martin Does It His Way (Frasier)|Martin Does It His Way]]'' [3.3] ===
:''[Frasier has arrived home to find Eddie lying on the sofa.]''
:'''Frasier''': Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.
<hr width=50%>
:''[The Crane's are complaining about their Aunt Louise, who never liked anything, specially travelling]''
:'''Martin:''' She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate.
:'''Frasier:''' My guess is she finally made it!

=== ''[[w:Leapin' Lizards (Frasier)|Leapin' Lizards]]'' [3.4] ===
''Frasier has just fallen victim to one of Bulldog's practical jokes on air''
:'''Frasier''': Well, that's one on me. Or rather, one on me and my call-screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice [[w:Trojan Horse|wooden horse]]! Of course I'll sign for it."
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bulldog''': ''[to caller]'' You're in the Doghouse.
:'''Caller''': Hey, am I on?
:'''Bulldog''': Yeah, take as long as you want. ''[hangs up and goes to the next call]''

=== ''[[w:Kisses Sweeter Than Wine (Frasier)|Kisses Sweeter Than Wine]]'' [3.5] ===
:'''Roz''': Well, when I'm handing out baloney sandwiches this weekend at the homeless shelter, it will do my heart good to know that a bunch of wealthy men are swishing two-hundred-dollar bottles of wine and spitting it into silver buckets!
:'''Frasier''': ''[Sheepish]'' It's not like we don't recycle the bottles.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier:''' I cut myself because I was shaving without water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes which called for Cecil, who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in [[w:This Is the House That Jack Built|the house that Frasier built]]!

=== ''[[w:Sleeping With the Enemy (Frasier)|Sleeping With the Enemy]]'' [3.6]===
:''Frasier has been left to negotiate with Kate''
:'''Kate:''' Why are you gunning for me?
:'''Frasier:''' Gunning? For you? This isn't about you; it's about what you're doing to those people. It's the shame of Seattle.
:'''Kate:''' No, no. This is about your [[w:id, ego, and super-ego|ego]], which is the ''size'' of Seattle!
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier fumes at the thought that Kate's behaviour could just be that of a [[w:femme fatale|femme fatale]]''
:'''Daphne:''' It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
:'''Frasier:''' How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex ''is'' what we want!

=== ''[[w:The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl|The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl]]'' [3.7]===
:'''Niles''': I have a session with my multiple personality. Not to worry: if I'm late, he can just talk amongst himself.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''The day after the broadcast''
:'''Bulldog:''' I'm proud of ya, man!
:'''Frasier:''' Doesn't that put the [[w:cherry|cherry]] on the [[w:parfait|parfait]](!)

===''[[w:The Last Time I Saw Maris|The Last Time I Saw Maris]]'' [3.8]===
:''Frasier is trying to persuade Marta to let him speak to Maris''
:'''Marta''': Missy Crane say, “No you Doctor Crane, no other Doctor Crane, and no Crane with a cane!”
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin is giving the police a description of Maris]''
:'''Martin''': Yes, thin. Make that very thin. Caucasian. ''Very'' Caucasian.

===''[[w:Frasier Grinch|Frasier Grinch]]'' [3.9]===
:''At the KACL Christmas party, Bulldog enters Frasier's studio wearing [[w:mistletoe|mistletoe]] over his head''
:'''Bulldog:''' Hey Roz, you know what's over my head?
:'''Roz:''' Almost any clever remark?
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier has been sent the wrong presents from the educational toy company''
:'''Frasier:''' These are for a Franklin Crane from [[w:Kennebunkport|Kennebunkport]]. Do you know what this means?
:'''Niles:''' Yes: the Cranes of [[w:Maine|Maine]] have got your 'Living Brain'!

===''[[w:It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave|It's Hard to Say Goodbye If You Won't Leave]]'' [3.10]===
:''Martin is writing a letter, and Niles cannot help [[w:proofreading|proofreading]] it over his shoulder''
:'''Niles:''' It's best not to end a sentence with a [[w:preposition and postposition|preposition]].
:''(Martin writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Niles)''
:'''Niles:''' Not to be technical, but “off” is a preposition too.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Daphne is trying to cheer up Frasier before his date''
:'''Daphne:''' There's nothing quite as exciting as a first date. All those questions you ask. “What's your favourite food?” “What's your favourite colour?” “If you were to come back as an animal, what sort of animal would you be?” If she were to ask you that one, what would you say?
:'''Frasier:''' “[[w:Bill (payment)|Check]], please” comes to mind.

===''[[w:The Friend|The Friend]]'' [3.11]===
:''[Niles explains why he doesn't like horse races.]''
:'''Niles''': It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminutive, underweight figures in expensive silks, wielding riding crops, just remind me too much of Maris.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Roz interrupts Frasier during his show to stop him inviting listeners to accost him in public''
:'''Frasier:''' I, for one, happen to believe in the kindness of strangers.
:'''Roz:''' Well, I believe in the ''strangeness'' of strangers.

===''[[w:Come Lie With Me|Come Lie With Me]]'' [3.12]===
:'''Frasier''': Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': ''[To Martin]'' Would you get Eddie off of the couch? Or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

===''[[w:Moon Dance|Moon Dance]]'' [3.13]===
:'''Niles''': I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': So this one night I invited her down to the corner bar.
:'''Niles''': Coroners have their own bar?
:'''Martin''': No. ''Corner,'' Niles — the ''corner'' bar!

=== ''[[w:The Show Where Diane Comes Back|The Show Where Diane Comes Back]]'' [3.14]===
:''Frasier breaks the news of Diane's return to Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' She's back! The scourge of my existence!
:'''Niles:''' Strange, I usually get some sign when [[w:Lilith Sternin|Lilith]] is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall…
<hr width=50%/>
:''Diane is telling a tiresome story over dinner. Martin finds an effective way to take the wind out of her sails''
:'''Diane:''' I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of…of, um…
:'''Niles:''' Sea [[w:kelp|kelp]]?
:'''Diane:''' Exactly right, sea kelp!
:'''Martin:''' Oh, that's funny; I thought he said “seek help”

=== ''[[w:A Word to the Wiseguy|A Word to the Wiseguy]]'' [3.15]===
:''Roz has given Niles the details of her shady contact, and Frasier thinks he is mad for even considering it''
:'''Frasier:''' I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a [[w:Martin Scorsese|Martin Scorsese]] film!
<hr width=50%/>
:''During the scene where Jerome drops by unexpectedly''
:'''Niles''': He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris' legal problem, and in return, I promised him a favour. Oh God! Do you think that's why he's here; to collect?
:'''Frasier''': No Niles, he's probably hosting a [[w:luau|luau]], and came by to borrow our poi [[w:ramekin|ramekins]](!)

=== ''[[w:Look Before You Leap (Frasier)|Look Before You Leap]]'' [3.16]===
:'''Frasier''': It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our separation, I've been paying women to touch me.
:'''Frasier''': Oh, Niles.
:'''Niles''': Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well-groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know, I think the entire city of Seattle is convinced it’s springtime. I was walking down the street, I passed a pet store, and in the window I could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
:'''Roz''': If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes into the world is like toasting a law school graduation.

=== ''[[w:High Crane Drifter (Frasier)|High Crane Drifter]]'' [3.17]===
:''Someone has just borrowed the video of ''[[w:How Green Was My Valley (film)|How Green Was My Valley]]'' before Frasier had the chance''
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me. Is there another copy?
:'''Video Store Clerk''': Oh yeah, that'd be across the street in our "How Green Was My Valley" [[w:Annex|annex]](!)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier delivers a brief but impassioned speech, bellowing from his balcony.''
:'''Frasier:''' People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not [[w:barbarian|barbarians]], we are not [[w:Neanderthal|Neanderthals]] and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Chainsaw? Of the Newport Chainsaws? How does an arrested adolescent who barely knows two chords get a pent house?
:'''Daphne''': His last album sold 5 million copies.
:'''Frasier''': Ah well then, I'll just add that to my list of reasons to die.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for ''<changes to next caller>'' setting someone's lawn on fire!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Ah, there he is! The man who [[w:Muhammed Ali|floats like a lepidoptera and stings like a hymenoptera!]]

=== ''[[w:Chess Pains|Chess Pains]]'' [3.18]===
:''Niles is reluctant to play chess with Frasier''
:'''Niles:''' Maris and I used to play chess every Thursday night. Oh, how she loved the game.
:'''Frasier:''' No wonder: the [[w:King (chess)|king]] is stationary, while the ''[[w:Queen (chess)|queen]]'' has all the power!

=== ''[[w:Crane Vs. Crane|Crane Vs. Crane]]'' [3.19]===
:''Mr. Safford's lawyer, John Giroux, approaches Frasier on behalf of his client''
:'''Giroux:''' Judge him by his words and his actions, not by how old he is.
:'''Frasier:''' You sound like my father: a man who believes that burial is a form of age discrimination.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Niles arrives at Frasier's flat. Daphne answers the door''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, Dr. Crane, don't say anything about last night's [[w:boxing|boxing]] match. Your dad hasn't seen it yet.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, I didn't even know it was boxing season.

=== ''[[w:Police Story (Frasier)|Police Story]]'' [3.20]===
:'''Roz:''' Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday? I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(through his teeth)'' Question asked, question answered.

===''[[w:Where There's Smoke There's Fired|Where There's Smoke There's Fired]]'' [3.21] ===
:''Roz cannot believe how Niles spends his money''
:'''Roz:''' You spend money like a drunken [[w:sailor|sailor]].
:'''Niles:''' She said authoritatively.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Niles doesn't believe Bebe can quit smoking on her own''
:'''Niles:''' You obviously didn't see the crazed, cunning glint in her eyes.
:'''Frasier:''' She always looks like that - she's an agent.

=== ''[[w:Frasier Loves Roz|Frasier Loves Roz]]'' [3.22]===
:''Roz wonders what she is doing wrong, if all her friends are getting married but not she''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, do you want me to answer as a friend, or a therapist?
:'''Roz:''' As a friend.
:'''Frasier:''' See a therapist.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier regrets trying to persuade Roz, and neglects to notice the on-air light behind him''
:'''Frasier:''' Me and my stupid advice! ''(sees the light)''…will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!

=== ''[[w:The Focus Group (Frasier)|The Focus Group]]'' [3.23]===
:''Martin reminds Frasier of a school play in which he appeared, which was warmly received but had one bad review''
:'''Frasier:''' But, you know, you would have sulked too, if you'd read in the paper, “Mr. Crane's attempts to gyrate his hips as Conrad, the teen idol in ''[[w:Bye Bye Birdie|Bye Bye Birdie]]'', made this reviewer say, ‘Bye-bye, breakfast!’ ”
:'''Niles:''' That review was a mash note compared to my first draft.
<hr width=50%/>
:''On the way out to dinner with the family, Frasier pulls up outside a [[w:newsagent|news stall]]''
:'''Frasier:''' There he is: the man who doesn’t like me.
:'''Martin:''' I ''knew'' we should’ve taken two cars!

=== ''You Can Go Home Again'' [3.24] ===
:''Daphne is explaining to Frasier how tedious she finds holidays spent at home in England''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, Dr. Crane, why is it so easy to love our families, yet so hard to like them?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, Daphne, that is one of those questions that make life so rich…and psychiatrists richer.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Frasier is having a bad first day at [[w:KACL (Frasier)|KACL]]''
:'''Frasier:''' In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Abe Lincoln]] had a brighter future [[w:Ford's Theatre|when he picked up his tickets at the box office]]!

==Season 4==
=== ''The Two Mrs. Cranes'' [4.1] ===
:''Martin is trying to persuade one of his sons to go with him to his [[w:platoon|platoon]] reunion''
:'''Martin:''' Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink [[w:Jim Beam|Jim Beam]]. Just like we call Hank “Bud” because he drinks [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Budweiser]]. Come on, you'd love these guys!
:'''Niles:''' We're [[w:sherry|sherry]] drinkers, Dad. Think about it.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Daphne is pretending to be Niles' wife in order to let her ex-fiancé down easily.]''
:'''Clive''': Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.
:'''Niles''': That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
:'''Martin''': ''[pretending to be a retired astronaut]'' I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!

=== ''[[w:Love Bites Dog|Love Bites Dog]]'' [4.2] ===
:'''Bulldog''': Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced!
<hr width=50%>
:''It seems that Bulldog is in love''
:'''Bulldog:''' You know what? I gotta call her. ''(picks up the phone)'' No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. ''(slams phone down)'' But I miss the sound of her voice. I’m calling her. ''(picks up phone)'' No, wait. It’s too needy. Chicks hate that. ''(puts phone down)'' I shouldn’t call her. But I want to! ''(picks up phone before putting it down again)'' Doc, what should I do?!
:'''Frasier:''' Don’t ask me. I don’t even know who you are!

=== ''The Impossible Dream'' [4.3] ===
:''Niles is relating an episode from that day''
:'''Niles:''' I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.
:'''Frasier:''' Just tell me ''when'' the story ends.
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier tells his father the truth about his dream''
:'''Frasier:''' The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.
:'''Martin:''' You don't care if I ''ever'' sleep again, do you?

=== ''A Crane's Critique'' [4.4] ===
:''Niles notices Roz checking out a man''
:'''Niles:''' Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?
:'''Roz:''' Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolised''
:'''Roz:''' Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?
:'''Niles:''' I can't just walk up to a god like that.
:'''Roz:''' Well, then, find a subtler way.
:'''Niles:''' In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your [[w:knickers|panties]] across the street?

=== ''Head Game'' [4.5] ===
:''While standing in for his brother, Niles finds himself giving useful advice to a listener's cat''
:'''Linda:''' What did you say to him?
:'''Niles:''' Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate [[w:physician-patient privilege|doctor-cat confidentiality]]!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin and Daphne have just witnessed the results of Niles' handiwork on Reggie McLemore''
:'''Martin:''' I gotta say: I'm impressed.
:'''Daphne:''' Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe ''I'' should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. ''(Niles grins)''
:'''Martin:''' Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!
:'''Niles:''' ''(grin fades)'' Thanks, Dad.

=== ''Mixed Doubles'' [4.6] ===
:''Roz is comforting Daphne after her break-up, in a way only she knows how''
:'''Roz:''' Now, Daphne, if the jewellery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?
:'''Frasier:''' Dr. Roz wades in with the [[w:Zsa Zsa Gabor|Gabor]] approach to therapy!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne:''' Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls “The Sure Thing”.
:'''Frasier:''' How flattering! They've named a bar after her.

=== ''A Lilith Thanksgiving'' [4.7] ===
:''Frasier asks why Lilith hasn't gone with her husband to a volcano site''
:'''Niles:''' Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(incredulously)'' As if a smile from [[w:Maris Crane|Maris]] couldn't freeze [[w:mercury (element)|mercury]]!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Martin:''' Nice neighbourhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.
:'''Lilith:''' Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.

=== ''Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven'' [4.8]===
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Maris]'' By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!
:'''Niles''': Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.
:'''Frasier''': What?
:'''Niles''': Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about Maris]'' She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.
:'''Frasier''': Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

=== ''[[w:Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine|Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine]]'' [4.9] ===
:'''Sherry:''' Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humour is like medicine!
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' I guess we're in the [[w:placebo|placebo]] group.
<hr width=50%>
: '''Frasier:''' ''[To Niles]'' I see you are still waiting on your spine donor!

=== ''Liar! Liar!'' [4.10] ===
:''Niles has a back injury, and to impress Daphne he claims it was from a daring move in a squash game''
:'''Niles''': You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a [[w:Glossary of ballet|pirouette]] and a flying [[w:Scissor kick (strike)|scissor kick]].
:''Daphne leaves the room''
:'''Martin''': You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?
:'''Niles''': Quiet!
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier decides to phone John's wife and help fix their marriage''
:'''Frasier''': ''(on phone)'' Mrs Rajeski? Hello. You don't know me, but I...
:''Sound of Niles screaming in pain from the next room''
:'''Frasier''': ...Well, that's remarkable! Yes, I ''am'' a friend of your husband's.

=== ''Three Days of the Condo'' [4.11] ===
:'''Man''': You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.
:'''Frasier''': Of bad water pressure?
:'''Man''': No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz advises Frasier against running for condo board president''
:'''Roz:''' If somebody wants a [[w:garbage disposal|garbage disposal]], they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.
:'''Frasier:''' Have you served on a condo board?
:'''Roz:''' No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.

=== ''Death and the Dog'' [4.12] ===
:'''Niles:''' I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]]'ll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with [[w:William Shakespeare|Shakespeare]] and [[w:Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier:''' “We know for whom the bell tolls.”
:''(A distant bell sounds, from the kitchen)''
:'''Martin:''' Anybody else hear that?

=== ''Four for the Seesaw'' [4.13] ===
:''Niles is finding this new spontaneous attitude to dating quite exhilarating''
:'''Frasier:''' Feel like a new man?
:'''Niles:''' I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!
<hr width=50%>
:''Maris phones Niles to tell him he cannot see other people''
:'''Niles:''' You see what's happening here?
:'''Frasier:''' Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

=== ''To Kill a Talking Bird'' [4.14] ===
:'''Frasier''': ''[about Martin's chair]'' Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.
:'''Martin''': You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.
:'''Frasier''': Dad, that will never happen.
:'''Martin''': Thank you.
:'''Frasier''': I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about his new pet bird]'' She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.
:'''Martin''': Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

=== ''Roz's Krantz & Gouldenstein are Dead'' [4.15] ===
:''Eddie is dancing, and Martin is very proud''
:'''Martin:''' He's practically doin' a [[w:polka|polka]].
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the [[w:carnival|carnival]].
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles is back from a wedding in the woods. Daphne finds that his shoulder is sticky and wonders why. Frasier asks if he took a date''
:'''Niles:''' I asked Maris.
:'''Daphne:''' [[w:Plant sap|Sap]].
:'''Frasier:''' I think Daphne speaks for us all.

=== ''The Unnatural'' [4.16] ===
:''Frederick is returning from a walk with Martin''
:'''Frederick:''' Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a [[w:club (weapon)|nightstick]]?
:'''Frasier:''' No. He did tell me how he captured ''two'' bank robbers with just a [[w:revolver|revolver]], his partner and a [[w:SWAT|SWAT]] team.
:'''Martin''': They got there later!
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier and Niles are at [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]] discussing the impending softball game. Frederick and Daphne arrive from the [[w:amusement park|amusement park]]''
:'''Frasier:''' So you see the problem?
:'''Niles:''' I certainly do!
:'''Frasier:''' No, that's ''your'' problem!

=== ''Roz's Turn'' [4.17] ===
:'''Roz:''' It's not like she [Bebe] worships the Devil.
:'''Frasier:''' She doesn't have to. He worships ''her''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' Not one more deceitful word... your tongue could open a wine bottle!

=== ''[[w:Ham Radio (Frasier)|Ham Radio]]'' [4.18] ===
:'''Frasier:''' ''(in a spooky voice)'' Nightmare Inn.
:'''Martin:''' Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
:'''Frasier:''' Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
:'''Niles:''' So we can stop wondering.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Roz and Frasier are acting in a live performance of a radio drama.]''
:'''Roz''': "There's someone outside that window!"
:'''Frasier''': "Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...''[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]''... the ice cream truck!

=== ''Three Dates and a Breakup'' [4.19] ===
:'''Niles''': Her lips said "No," but her eyes said "Read my lips."
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier is very proud after being asked out by two women; Niles is bitter because no one will look twice at him''
:'''Frasier:''' My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm [[w:nepeta|catnip]]!
:'''Niles:''' I think I feel a [[w:hairball|furball]] coming up.

=== ''[[w:Daphne Hates Sherry|Daphne Hates Sherry]]'' [4.20] ===
:'''Daphne''': ''[about Sherry]'' She says I'm too rigid.
:'''Niles''': Nonsense!
:'''Daphne''': And that I'm too picky.
:'''Niles''': Poppycock!
:'''Daphne''': And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...
:'''Niles''': Just to play devil's advocate...
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio, and Frasier is in no state to put up with them''
:'''Frasier:''' As we speak, hordes of [[w:virus|viral]] [[w:Visigoths|Visigoths]] are hurling themselves over the [[w:battlement|battlements]] of my [[w:immune system|immune system]], laying waste to my…Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.

=== ''[[w:Are You Being Served? (Frasier)|Are You Being Served?]]'' [4.21] ===
:''Frasier disapproves of modern society's tendency to hug all the time''
:'''Roz:''' Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, in that case you should outlive [[w:Styrofoam|Styrofoam]]!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles has had a [[w:panic attack|panic attack]] and rushed into the toilet. After a sound resembling a [[w:gunshot|gunshot]], he emerges covered head to foot in [[w:shaving cream|shaving foam]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane! Are you all right?
:'''Niles:''' ''(shaken)'' I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…
:'''Martin:''' You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!
:'''Daphne:''' He was a detective, you know(!)

=== ''Ask Me No Questions'' [4.22] ===
:''Niles is keeping Frasier waiting for their [[w:squash (sport)|squash]] game, by having a doting phone conversation with Maris. Frasier takes action''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, now, Maris. ''(phone beeps)'' Wait, hold on a second, it’s my other line. ''(switches lines)'' Hello?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(using his [[w:landline|landline]])'' Get the hell off the phone!
<hr width=50%>
:''Pressing Frasier for an answer to his question, Niles poses a hypothetical situation for him, in which his brother is God''
:'''Niles:''' Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(glances at Eddie)'' Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!

=== ''Odd Man Out'' [4.23] ===
:'''Daphne''': I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death.
:'''Niles''': Well, we all have to die of something.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 [[w:Chevrolet Impala|Impala]].
:'''Niles''': Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

== Season 5 ==

=== ''Frasier's Imaginary Friend'' [5.1] ===
:''Neither Niles nor Martin believe Frasier's story that he is dating a supermodel''
:'''Niles:''' Doesn't he realise how outlandish it all sounds?
:'''Martin:''' Even a fake supermodel would have dumped him by now!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier tries desperately to convince his family''
:'''Frasier:''' I am not crazy! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the [[w:Galápagos Islands|Galápagos Islands]] to [[w:artificial insemination|artificially inseminate]] [[w:iguana|iguanas]]! Now is that so hard to believe?!

=== ''The Gift Horse'' [5.2] ===
:''Daphne fills Niles in with Sherry's meat-based plans for the food at Martin's party''
:'''Niles:''' I assume these colourful balloons are for the between-course [[w:angioplasty|angioplasty]](!)
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier comes home to find speaker towers placed around his living room''
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God...It's Stonehenge

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Sherry loves the new giant screen TV''
:'''Sherry:''' Wow, she's a beaut! Marty and I are gonna be spending a lot more time here.
:'''Frasier:''' It's a gift that keeps on giving(!)

=== ''Halloween'' [5.3] ===
:'''Martin:''' I thought you were getting me a [[w:Sherlock Holmes|Sherlock Holmes]] outfit. He didn't wear a bowler.
:'''Niles:''' Well, they were all out of Sherlock Holmes, so I put together something else for you. Don't worry, it's another detective. Tonight, you'll be [[w:Lord Peter Wimsey|Lord Peter Wimsey]]!
:'''Martin:''' Who the hell's that?
:'''Niles:''' He's a celebrated ''bon vivant'' sleuth from a series of novels by [[w:Dorothy L. Sayers|Dorothy L. Sayers]].
:'''Martin''':Well, I'm not going anywhere where I have to tell people my name's Wimsey!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier at the party meeting a woman dressed as Eve from the Bible''
:'''Frasier:''' Let me guess... [[w:Lady Godiva|Lady Godiva]]?
:'''Eve:''' No, Eve, from the Bible.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, now I know why they call it "The Good Book".

=== ''The Kid'' [5.4] ===
:''[Frasier enters Café Nervosa.]''
:'''Frasier''': Morning, Roz!
:'''Roz''': ''[annoyed]'' Frasier! What are you doing here?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, I realize it must be a shock to see me here in this place I come to every day of my life.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Hey, Dad, what are you doing here?
:'''Martin''': Oh, Sherry took her sister to that store across the street to buy some "foundation garments."
:'''Frasier''': I think they call them "bras" now.
:'''Martin''': Not these, you don't. You could cross the [[w:The Bridge on the River Kwai|River Kwai]] on one of those babies.

=== ''The 1000th Show'' [5.5] ===
:''Frasier has just been approached for an [[w:autograph|autograph]] in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]], and told he is “the smartest guy on the face of the earth”''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in [[w:Tibet|Tibet]], but why split hairs? ''(signs autograph, exit fan)'' Where was I?
:'''Niles:''' You were last seen hiking up Mount [[w:Id, ego, and super-ego|Ego]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne is on the phone trying desperately to renew her [[w:passport|passport]], and she feels the victim of discrimination''
:'''Daphne:''' No, I’m a [[w:alien (law)|resident alien]] here from England. You know, the country that used to own you people!
:'''Martin:''' You’ll go right to the head of the line now(!)

=== ''Voyage of the Damned'' [5.6] ===
:''Martin and Eddie have just come in from the rain, and Eddie has shaken himself dry all over Frasier's recently waxed floor''
:'''Frasier:''' Daphne, get this canine [[w:irrigation sprinkler|sprinkler]] out of here!
:'''Daphne:''' Now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane. As my Mum used to say: “There’ll be no dogs in Hell.”
:'''Frasier:''' I sincerely doubt that!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carlos''': ''Buenas noches. ¿Hablas español?''
:'''Roz''': Uh, not really.
:'''Carlos:''' Is no matter. I'm sure you are schooled in the... international language.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, Roz. Say something amusing in [[w:Esperanto|Esperanto]](!)

=== ''My Fair Frasier'' [5.7] ===
:'''Frasier''': You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date?
:'''Roz''': Well, it's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone. Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me.
:'''Frasier''': Your "glow." Oh please, Roz. Do you ever think that anyone... could miss your radiant glow?
:'''Roz''': So I tell him, and he says "Fine, it's not a problem." Five minutes later, he tells me his pager is vibrating. He has an emergency. He has to go to work.
:'''Frasier''': Well, maybe he was telling the truth.
:'''Roz''': He sells wicker furniture. Who needs their end tables re-caned at 9:30 at night?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin are in Frasier's apartment, discussing Frasier's relationship''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, it's funny; as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled.
:'''Niles:''' I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot. What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in the more…submissive rôle.
:'''Frasier:''' What on God's earth are you talking about?
:'''Daphne:''' I think what he means is: you're the girl!

=== ''Desperately Seeking Closure'' [5.8] ===
:''Frasier is trying to work out why Sam broke up with him. Roz thinks he is obsessing, and tells him off''
:'''Roz:''' I've been down this road so many times I call it “The Roz [[w:Expressway|Expressway]]”.
:'''Niles:''' I've heard that phrase before, but in a slightly different context.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles establishes that Frasier was not exactly in love; just saw it as a possibility for the future''
:'''Niles:''' Well, no wonder you're heartbroken; you've just lost the only woman you could even ''possibly'' sometime down the line ''perhaps'' fall in love with. I'm surprised the [[w:country music|country music]] people haven't jumped all over this one!

=== ''Perspectives on Christmas'' [5.9] ===
:''Martin is practising his song with Frasier and Niles. There is one particularly high note giving him trouble''
:'''Niles:''' Why don't you start here (“Oh night”)? And I want to hear you really attack the note.
:''Martin attempts the phrase of music, and at the ensuing sound Eddie buries his head under a cushion''
:'''Niles:''' Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats.

=== ''Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name'' [5.10] ===
:''In a [[w:flashback|flashback]] to Frasier and Niles at school, the pair don't think much of the lunch in the cafeteria''
:'''Young Niles:''' This lunch is a culinary [[w:LZ 129 Hindenburg|Hindenburg]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is very quick to dismiss Daphne's suggestion of meeting her friend Claire for a date''
:'''Frasier:''' I would think by now that you'd know my policy on fix-ups.
:'''Daphne:''' She's pretty, she's lonely and she's an underwear model.
:'''Frasier:''' So you ''do'' know my policy. Off we go!

=== ''Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do'' [5.11] ===
:''Daphne has just told Niles and Frasier about discovering the ring''
:'''Niles:''' Do you know what that means?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(ruefully)'' Yes! We’re going to hear what [[w:Felix Mendelssohn|Mendelssohn’s]] ''[[w:Wedding March (Mendelssohn)|Wedding March]]'' sounds like on the [[w:banjo|banjo]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is trying to establish whether Martin knows about Sherry’s previous marriages, by telling a falsified [[w:anecdote|anecdote]]''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, Dad, I think it all hearkens back to the [[w:Puritan|puritanical]] streak that still runs through this country. What do you think?
:'''Martin:''' There's a yakkety-yak streak that runs through this family.

=== ''The Zoo Story'' [5.12] ===
:''[The station has hired a tough arbitrator, "The Hammer," to renegotiate everyone's contract. Gil's salary has been slashed, but Bebe and Roz come in cheering.]''
:'''Gil''': How on earth did you get all that?
:'''Bebe''': Oh, we go way back, the Hammer and I. I know where the bodies are buried.... Usually, that's just a metaphor.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Bebe confronts Frasier and presents him with a contract, promising that if he employs her again she will cut him a very good deal''
:'''Frasier:''' Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere you should be hovering over?

=== ''The Maris Counselor'' [5.13] ===
:''Niles has broken down in tears in the middle of his therapy group. Frasier is trying to keep the patients calm by claiming it is [[w:empathy|empathy]]''
:'''Frasier:''' We've had quite a [[w:catharsis|catharsis]] here. Now, traditionally it is the ''patients'' that make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.

=== ''The Ski Lodge'' [5.14] ===
:''Maris is ruthless in her pursuit of a [[w:divorce|divorce]] settlement''
:'''Niles:''' When we were courting, I sent her a Valentine that said: "You're the girl my heart adores, everything I have is yours". Now they're calling it a [[w:prenuptial|pre-nup]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier finds Guy waiting in Niles' bed for him to return''
:'''Guy:''' You are not the Crane I want!
:'''Frasier:''' You're not even the ''sex'' I want!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''About Annie''
:'''Niles:''' I grant you, she's cuddly, but isn't she a bit...what would the polite euphemism be? Stupid?
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, she's just unschooled, like Eliza Doolittle. Find her the right Henry Higgins, she'll be ready for a ball in no time.
:'''Niles:''' Leave it to you to put the "pig" back in ''[[wikipedia:Pygmalion (play)|Pygmalion]]''.

=== ''Room Service'' [5.15] ===
:'''Lilith''': Excuse me. I'm looking for Frasier Crane. They told me he'd be here.
:'''Roz''': Lilith, it's me. Roz Doyle.
:'''Lilith''': Oh, yes, it's Frasier's fun-loving assistant...''(notices she is pregnant)'' who's apparently had too much fun... loving.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lilith's husband has left her for their male contractor.]''
:'''Lilith:''' It's ironic, isn't it? No sooner do I get the closet of my dreams than my husband [[w:Coming out|comes out of it]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
:'''Niles''': Oh, so that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
:'''Frasier''': Go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this...for a man!
:'''Niles''': Damn! I owe Dad five dollars!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''While Frasier waits in the hotel room, Lilith stealthily informs Niles, who is hiding in the [[w:bathroom|en-suite]], of his brother's amorous intentions''
:'''Niles:''' Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here and...''(catches Lilith's eye)'' yes, I'm aware of the irony.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': You know, it's funny; I have never stopped desiring you, Lilith, even though I know we are completely wrong for each other. But now, when I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is ''one'' bucket of ice water, let me tell you!

=== ''Beware of Greeks'' [5.16] ===
:''Martin blames Frasier for the rift with Nikos' mother''
:'''Martin:''' I can't believe because of your big mouth, Zora won't even let me in her restaurant!
:'''Frasier:''' Forcing you to go elsewhere when you have one of your frequent cravings for [[w:dolma|stuffed grape leaves]] and [[w:zither|zither]] music!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': It's a moot point. We're out of the family, thanks to Frasier's more-than-usually inept advice.
:'''Martin:''' Can you imagine what it's like to live in the same city as your brother, and not see him for five years?
:'''Frasier:''' No, but I'd like to give it a try.

=== ''The Perfect Guy'' [5.17] ===
:''Roz is swooning over the station's attractive new host''
:'''Roz:''' I can't work with a guy that handsome... No offense.
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, none taken. Granted, when it comes to the looks department, Dr. Webber and I aren't in the same—
:'''Roz:''' Species?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, I was going to say "league," but species is so much more insulting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gil:''' I must admit, I didn't notice he was all that handsome.
:'''Roz:''' You didn't notice? You of all people?
:'''Gil:''' Just what are you insinuating?
:'''Roz:''' Well, you know... you're a little...
:'''Gil:''' For your information, I happen to be a happily married man.
:'''Frasier:''' You're... married?
:'''Bulldog:''' To a woman?
:'''Gil:''' Of course to a woman! Well, you've all heard me mention Deb. How many times have I said, "I must run along now, Deb will be waiting!"
:'''Roz:''' We thought Deb was your cat.
:'''Gil:''' She is not a cat! She is Mrs. Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a [[w:Sarah Lawrence|Sarah Lawrence]] graduate, and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well, and knows how to use a [[w:pastry bag|pastry bag]]! ''[exits in a huff]''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man "[[w:Coming out|in]]" himself.

=== ''Bad Dog'' [5.18] ===
:''Frasier runs into Niles in the elevator, and sees him wearing an absurd-looking grey cap''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, what have we determined about your success with…impulse purchases?
:'''Niles:''' Really? The salesman thought I could pull it off.
:'''Frasier:''' My suggestion exactly.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has taken a simple but effective approach to exposing Bulldog as a [[w:charlatan|charlatan]]''
:'''Frasier:''' Thanks, Dad.
:'''Martin''': I'm not a hero; I just wanted you to shut up.

=== ''[[w:Frasier Gotta Have It|Frasier Gotta Have It]]'' [5.19]===
:''Frasier tells his family that he tried, and failed, to break up with Caitlin''
:'''Frasier:''' Why? Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a [[w:Sexual addiction|sexaholic]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier tries to explain to Caitlin why he thinks things won't work out between them''
:'''Frasier:''' I'm basically your stuffy, buttoned down sort of guy, you're a [[w:Free spirit|free-spirited]], adventurous mouse-painting, moon-howling sort of girl!

=== ''Roz and the Schnoz'' [5.21] ===
:''Martin is excited about his trip to San Francisco with Duke to retrace their steps from their shore leave there in 1952''
:'''Martin:''' Back then, there was no place like Frisco for a single guy cruising the streets looking for a good time.
:'''Frasier:''' You know Dad, I think you'll find Frisco hasn't changed all that much.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Roz talks about having in-laws without being married.]''
:'''Roz''': That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course. ''[Frasier looks shocked]'' Shut up. I needed the credits.

=== ''The Life of the Party'' [5.22] ===
:''Niles proudly shows Frasier a photograph of his new 18th-century Turkish [[w:Prayer mat|prayer rug]]''
:'''Niles:''' Paid a fortune for it, but legend says whatever you pray for on this rug will come to you.
:'''Frasier:''' Certainly worked for the dealer.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After Vickie turns him down, Frasier is rather upset. Roz has other things to worry about''
:'''Frasier:''' What is wrong with me? Why can't I find a single woman who's interested in me?
:'''Roz:''' Those are two different questions, really, so we should just sit down and talk them both over. Oh, wait, I can't, BECAUSE I'M IN [[w:childbirth|LABOR]]!

=== ''Party, Party'' [5.23] ===
:''Niles has met a woman who lives in Frasier's building, and things are going well''
:'''Niles:''' I'm seeing her again tonight, so you'll understand if I'm a little bit drained tomorrow during our squash game. My lovemaking can get slightly athletic.
:'''Frasier:''' Which is more than can be said for your squash game.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin wants to take Frasier to see ''Chimps on Ice'' for his birthday; Frasier wants to stay in and watch ''[[w:Così fan tutte|Così fan tutte]]''
:'''Martin:''' Duke said, in the finale the whole cast skates to the top of this ramp, and then Splat! Right into a tank of whipped cream. Bet they don't do that at your opera.
:'''Frasier:''' No, and [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart's]] still kicking himself.

=== ''Sweet Dreams'' [5.24] ===
:''Niles offers to take Martin out to a new fusion restaurant. As they leave, Frasier picks up the phone''
:'''Martin''': Can't wait. Where are we going, anyway?
:'''Niles''': Well... ''(closes the door)''
:'''Frasier''': Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza, please. What toppings? Just a second. ''(Martin returns)'' Dad, what d'you want on your pizza?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kenny''': Since I fired you, I haven't been able to eat or sleep.
:'''Frasier''': Kenny, it's only been an hour and a half.

== Season 6 ==
=== ''Good Grief'' [6.1] ===
:''Frasier is still in denial''
:'''Frasier:''' I am going to get another job. The people of this city need me. I'm a beloved Seattle institution.
:'''Martin:''' ''(to Niles)'' A couple more days like this, he's gonna be ''in'' a beloved Seattle [[w:Psychiatric hospital|institution]].

=== ''Frasier's Curse'' [6.2] ===
:''Daphne is relieved when Martin and Niles arrive, as Frasier is depressed after his disastrous job interview''
:'''Daphne:''' He mumbled something about it being worse than the [[w:Dresden|Dresden]] première of [[w:Robert Schumann|Schumann's]] [[w:Symphony No. 2 (Schumann)|Second Symphony]].
:'''Niles:''' ''(panics)'' And you left him alone?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier announces his alternative plans for the evening, after deciding not to attend the reunion''
:'''Frasier:''' Tonight, I'll be coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my new [[w:audiobook|book on tape]]: “Depression, Anxiety and Death” as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
:'''Daphne:''' ''Now'' who's cursed?!

=== ''Dial M for Martin'' [6.3] ===
:''[Niles sees Roz and Martin having coffee together.]''
:'''Niles''': I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
:'''Roz''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom.
:'''Niles''': Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne announces that maybe it is time she moved on, since Martin may not need her help any more''
:'''Daphne:''' I'm not like a psychiatrist, who works with someone for years and years and it doesn't matter if they ''ever'' get better.

=== ''Hot Ticket'' [6.4] ===
:''Niles is trying to learn how to smoke, before Stephen Kendall joins him for a cigarette at the [[w:Intermission|interval]]''
:'''Niles:''' I haven't held a cigarette since I played Duke Mantee in our junior high production of ''[[w:The Petrified Forest|The Petrified Forest]]''.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, I remember watching you from the petrified audience.

=== ''First Do No Harm'' [6.5] ===
:''Frasier decides to attempt a reconciliation with Marie''
:'''Frasier:''' Sometimes the best apology is the truth.
:'''Niles:''' You mean you're going to tell her you thought she was prostituting herself for therapy but now you've decided that's OK?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(pause)'' Well, not that truth. Some other truth!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles suggests that Frasier may find Marie fascinating because her problems give him a psychiatric challenge''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, Marie is a stunning woman with a body to die for, and you think all I'm interested in is her mind? How shallow do you think I am?

=== ''Secret Admirer'' [6.6] ===
:'''Martin''': ''(looking at a gift that came nestled in shredded paper)'' Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple... Poppity-pop-pop-pop! ''(laughs)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles tells how he returned Maris' gifts and made it clear to her that it was all over''
:'''Niles:''' She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her [[w:ocelot|ocelot]].
:'''Martin:''' You know, they got a cream for that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier's date was a disaster, and Maris is threatening to ruin Niles''
:'''Niles:''' I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal!
:'''Frasier:''' And I ''won't'' be!

=== ''How to Bury a Millionaire'' [6.7] ===
:''Niles has made an [[w:emergency stop|emergency stop]] in his hatchback and fallen off the seat. He is talking to Frasier and Martin on the car phone''
:'''Niles:''' Dad, come quickly! I need your help.
:'''Martin:''' Oh, my God! What is it?
:'''Niles:''' I need you to get up here and pretend this is ''your'' car.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has been on an epic journey through Niles' apartment to bring him some [[w:aspirin|aspirin]]''
:'''Niles:''' ''(reads the box)'' This aspirin's expired.
:'''Martin:''' Well, it wasn't when I found it.

=== ''The Seal Who Came to Dinner'' [6.8] ===
:''Daphne chastises Martin for flirting with her friend Pam''
:'''Martin:''' Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
:'''Daphne:''' Yeah, she looked once and it was over.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles is suspected of murder after he is seen dumping a body into the sea from a rowing boat''
:'''Niles:''' My wife is alive! She's in [[w:Antwerp|Antwerp]] having her elbows done!
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, give it up, Niles. Even I didn't believe ''that'' one!

=== ''Roz, a Loan'' [6.9] ===
:'''Niles:''' Dad, have you seen Frasier's [[w:frittata|frittata]] pan?
:'''Martin:''' ''(looks at him)'' Hi, Marty Crane. I don't believe we've met.

=== ''Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz'' [6.10] ===
:''Helen asks Niles to propose a toast, and he is keen to uphold the Jewish façade''
:'''Niles:''' ''[[w:Chayyim|L'Chaim]]!'' ''[[w:Mazal Tov|Mazal Tov]]!'' Next year in [[w:Jerusalem|Jerusalem]]!
:'''Frasier:''' ''[quietly]'' Take it down a notch, [[w:Tevye|Tevye]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''This continues when Martin discovers the guests and complains that no one informed him''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, why don't you see if you can go help Dad in the kitchen?
:'''Niles:''' Oh, all right, but he'll probably just ''[[w:kvetch|kvetch]]'' at me and frankly I don't need the ''[[w:List of English words of Yiddish origin#tsuris|tsuris]]''…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles! ''[mouths]'' Half that!

=== ''Good Samaritan'' [6.11] ===
:''Niles has come to the police station to bail Frasier out.''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to the desk sergeant)'' Excuse me, if you could get our [[w:bill (payment)|bill]] together, we're ready to settle up here.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier sits his son down and tries to explain the trouble he has been in''
:'''Frasier:''' For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
:'''Frederick:''' Mom's coming?

=== ''Our Parents, Ourselves'' [6.12] ===
:''Roz has just mimed a [[w:Hail Mary pass|Hail Mary pass]] to help Frasier out when a caller starts talking about [[w:American football|American football]]''
:'''Roz:''' I'm impressed you're so good at [[w:charades|charades]].
:'''Frasier:''' I'm impressed ''you'' could mime a virgin.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier and Roz worry about growing old alone, and Frasier casually suggests a pact''
:'''Roz:''' You mean, like, in forty years, if neither one of us finds anyone…
:'''Frasier:''' Yeah, exactly, we'll marry each other.
:'''Roz:''' I was gonna say ''kill'' each other.

=== ''The Show where Woody Shows Up'' [6.13] ===
:''Frasier returns from a terrible evening at the karaoke bar''
:'''Frasier:''' For starters, Woody sang “[[w:What Kind of Fool Am I?|What Kind of Fool Am I?]]” Quickly turned into an audience participation number. Then Gil and Noel did a charming duet with “[[w:Anything You Can Do (song)|Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better]]”. They were both wrong.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Woody has announced he has to leave Seattle ahead of schedule, having learned that his daughter has an ear infection''
:'''Frasier:''' Goodbye, Woods. ''(closes the door)'' God bless the [[w:virus|virus]] that invaded that little girl's ear canal!

=== ''To Tell the Truth'' [6.15] ===
''Niles fears that his feelings for Daphne will be made public in court''
:'''Niles''': I wanted to whisper it to her over a candlelight dinner, not have it read back to her by a court [[w:Shorthand|stenographer]].

=== ''Decoys'' [6.16] ===
:''Niles does not appreciate Roz teasing him when she finds out about his feelings for Daphne''
:'''Niles:''' Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away.
:'''Roz:''' Well, sure I have.
:'''Niles:''' I'm not talking about when the [[w:Foreign worker|migrant workers]] leave at the end of the picking season.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin and Frasier are leaving the cottage''
:'''Martin:''' Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice [[w:Sloppy joe|Sloppy joe]]. I'll pay for it.
:'''Frasier:''' Something tells me I'll pay for it too.

=== ''Dinner Party'' [6.17] ===
:''The message from the Walburts start Frasier and Niles arguing about who "that other one" refers to''
:'''Niles:''' This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get on an [[w:Extension (telephone)|extension]].
:'''Frasier:''' ''(sarcastic)'' Better yet, why don't we just get on a [[w:Tandem bicycle|bicycle built for two]], ride over there and ask her what's so strange about us.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Nina Duncan has phoned to announce that the Joaquín she will be bringing is her foster child''
:'''Niles:''' So, he's not the conductor of the [[w:Buenos Aires|Buenos Aires]] Philharmonic?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, you ''are so'' "that other one"!

=== ''Taps at the Montana'' [6.18] ===
:''Niles tries to cover up the death of Baby by pretending she is tired from travelling''
:'''Mrs Latimer:''' You didn't take her with you to Africa, surely?
:'''Niles:''' Well, she has family there.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Carol Larkin has just suggested a party game of "Murder"''
:'''Mrs. Latimer:''' Oh, Martin, there you are! Come, hide with me. I know a little nook where no one will find us.
:'''Martin:''' This game's a lot scarier than I thought!

=== ''IQ'' [6.19] ===
:''Daphne is in the middle of an online conversation with Donny, and asks Niles what he is saying now''
:'''Niles:''' Er, "I can't wait to come home and see my wittle Engwish [[w:crumpet|cwumpet]]". Apparently he has some sort of typing impediment.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''As soon as Niles has left, Frasier decides that he must not be upstaged at the lunch on account of his IQ''
:'''Frasier:''' Niles will be sitting there rambling on with the geniuses about the [[w:cosmos|cosmos]], [[w:black hole|black hole]]s, [[w:matter|matter]], [[w:antimatter|antimatter]], and I won't matter at all!

=== ''Dr. Nora'' [6.20] ===
:''Niles is trying to grow a [[w:moustache|moustache]]. So far it is barely visible''
:'''Niles:''' I grant you, it's at an early stage.
:'''Frasier:''' What stage? [[w:Research and development|Research and development]]?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Roz has been flirting with Dr. Nora's producer, George, while Frasier declares war on Dr. Nora herself''
:'''Roz:''' You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?
:'''George:''' Yeah!
:'''Roz:''' Well, it's WAR!

=== ''When a Man Loves Two Women'' [6.21] ===
:''Niles learns that Frasier had a date the previous evening, and expresses his condolences, assuming it went badly.''
:'''Niles:''' A brisk game of squash would be the best thing for you. I can't think of a better way to lift your spirits.
:''[Enter Cassandra]''
:'''Cassandra:''' Good morning.
:'''Frasier:''' Keep thinking.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier now has both Faye and Cassandra in the apartment, each unaware of the other's presence. Niles has only seen Cassandra.''
:'''Frasier:''' This is a disaster!
:'''Niles:''' What is?
:''[Faye enters.]''
:'''Faye:''' Hi, Niles.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, I'm up to speed!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Got anymore hiding in the Grotto, [[w:Hugh Hefner|Hef]]?

=== ''Visions of Daphne'' [6.22] ===
:''Daphne tells Frasier about Niles' advice regarding her vision''
:'''Daphne:''' Unlike you, he believes in my visions. He knows I have a gift. ''(exit)''
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, and he's been trying to unwrap it for six years!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne tells Niles about her vision''
:'''Niles:''' ''[excited]'' I think I know who this person is.
:'''Daphne:''' You do?
:'''Niles:''' Yes.
:'''Daphne:''' Well, I don't see how you could. I couldn't tell myself. He was standing in the shadows and I couldn't see his face. All I could make out was that he was wearing a red bow tie.
:'''Niles:''' I don't have a... ''[realises]'' clue why anyone would wear such a thing to a wedding.

=== ''Shutout in Seattle'' [6.23-4] ===
:''Frasier wants to know what happened to his favourite scented candle in the bathroom''
:'''Daphne:''' I'm going to let my [[w:Attorney at law|attorney]] handle this one.
:'''Donny:''' I'm sorry, Frasier, you know. I guess after a little [[w:Champagne (wine)|champagne]] we got into the mood, and into the nude, and into the tub. And don't worry; we'll replace the candle.
:'''Frasier:''' If only you could replace the image.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Kit is out smoking on Frasier's balcony, and coughing at intervals''
:'''Niles:''' She's so free, so spontaneous. She has breathed new life into me.
:'''Frasier:''' You may have to return the favour.

==Season 7==
=== ''Momma Mia'' [7.1] ===
:''Martin has just met Mia, and is shocked at how much she resembles his late wife. She seems to like the cabin''
:'''Mia:''' I feel like I'm in Heaven.
:'''Martin:''' I'm starting to feel that way myself.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
:'''Niles''': It is not a phobia! I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them, and frankly, I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on!

=== ''Father of the Bride'' [7.2] ===
:'''Niles''': Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their [[w:Great Dane|Great Dane]] and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
:'''Frasier''': I told you, Niles: I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Niles''': ''[about his date]'' She was... a cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well, she had good reason: it was Mr. Waggles' birthday. Actually, his birthday party. Actually, his ''surprise'' birthday party!

=== ''Radio Wars'' [7.3] ===
:''Frasier is not happy that Martin found the prank phonecall so amusing''
:'''Martin:''' D'you think you could get me a tape of the show?
:'''Frasier:''' What on earth for?
:'''Martin:''' How often d'you get to hear your son on the radio?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(glares at him)'' I'm on the radio EVERY DAY!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin has pointed out to his sons that bullies have always targeted them because they acted like they were above everyone else''
:'''Frasier:''' Daphne, tell me: do you think we're snobby, superior and condescending?
:'''Daphne:''' That's it! I'm getting me door [[w:Soundproofing|soundproofed]]!

=== ''Everyone's a Critic'' [7.4] ===
:''Roz has arrived in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]], and seen Poppy at another table with some other KACL workers''
:'''Roz:''' I see Poppy's having a little party.
:'''Frasier:''' That is not a party; that's a [[w:Hostage crisis|hostage situation]].
<hr width=50%>
:''The news about Frasier's prospective new arts show starts an argument with Niles''
:'''Niles:''' You conniving copy-cat! You have to have whatever I have.
:'''Frasier:''' I do ''not'' have what you have; my audience is twice as large as yours is!
:'''Niles:''' Oh well, at least my audience can read!
:'''Frasier:''' How dare you review my audience!

=== ''The Dog That Rocks the Cradle'' [7.5] ===
:'''Daphne''': I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my makeup for the wedding.
:'''Frasier''': I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very lifelike."
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': We've got to plan for it. We must all be prepared when the cold hand of death comes knocking on our door.
:''[Someone knocks at the door.]''
:'''Frasier''': Would you get that?
:'''Niles''': I most certainly will not.

=== ''Rivals'' [7.6] ===
:''Regan has admitted that her name is from a treacherous daughter in [[w:King Lear|King Lear]], which makes it less than flattering''
:'''Regan:''' I'm sorry, I have some issues with my father.
:''Enter Martin, who is trying to match them up''
:'''Martin:''' Excuse me again.
:'''Frasier:''' I have no idea what that would be like!
<hr width=50%>
:''Roz is trying to persuade Frasier to buy tickets for a charity ball''
:'''Roz:''' Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide [[w:Emergency management|disaster relief]].
:''Enter Poppy''
:'''Poppy:''' Hi, partners!
:'''Frasier:''' How soon can they get here?

=== ''A Tsar is Born'' [7.7] ===
:''Frasier has just realised that the "game show" Martin wants to watch is The Antiques Roadshow, which he and Niles planned to watch''
:'''Niles:''' I'll just check outside and see if the world has ended.
<hr width=50%>
:''Dr. Myshkin has arrived to examine the clock, and Frasier asks Daphne to bring in the [[w:caviar|caviar]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Oh, I am so sorry. Here I am, dawdling with the laundry when it's ten minutes into Caviar Time!

=== ''The Late Dr. Crane'' [7.8] ===
:''After a minor car accident''
:'''Niles:''' Are you alright?
:'''Frasier:''' Yes. Thank Heaven your ''fist'' softened the blow of the airbag!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles and Mel are heading out to dinner''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, off you go then. Just remember, Niles: nothing puts on [[w:love handles|love handles]] faster than chocolate [[w:soufflé|soufflé]].
:'''Mel:''' Oh well, you know, no one takes them off faster than I do!

=== ''The Apparent Trap'' [7.9] ===
:''Frasier urges Niles and Lilith to behave as they used to towards each other: by trading insults''
:'''Niles:''' Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an [[w:Brain freeze|ice cream headache]].
:'''Lilith:''' You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!
:'''Frasier:''' Was that so hard?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Daphne''': Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
:'''Niles''': Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

=== ''Back Talk'' [7.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...''[winces in pain]'' God Almighty!
:'''Niles''': ''[sarcastically]'' Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!
<hr width=50%>
:'''This is a pivotal moment'''
:''Daphne, relieved that she misunderstood Frasier's musings earlier, is giving him a massage. He is very drowsy after taking the [[w:sedative|tranquilisers]]''
:'''Daphne:''' When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me", he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?
:'''Frasier:''' ''(half-asleep)'' Oh, that…he meant Niles.
:'''Daphne:''' ''[shocked]'' What?!
:'''Frasier:''' Niles…he's crazy about you.

===''The Fight Before Christmas'' [7.11] ===
:'''Daphne''': ''[about Niles' longtime crush on her]'' I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
:'''Roz''': ''[sarcastically]'' Yeah. Why confuse things?
<hr width=50%>
:''Mel has discovered from Frasier that Niles was with Maris the previous evening, and storms off''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' Anything else in the box, [[w:Pandora|Pandora]]?!
=== ''RDWRER'' [7.12] ===
''Frasier and Roz exchange New Year greetings in Nervosa''
:'''Roz''': I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.
:'''Frasier''': I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.
:'''Roz''': Thank you.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''(on the phone)'' Niles! Where are you calling from?
:'''Niles''': ''(triumphantly)'' From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job of driving, I might add.
:'''Frasier''': But ''I'm'' in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!

===''[[w:They're Playing Our Song (Frasier)|They're Playing Our Song]]'' [7.13]===
:''Daphne has a new and very powerful [[w:vacuum cleaner|vacuum cleaner]], but when she tries using it on Martin's chair it breaks down, with a small explosion''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, apparently the "Dirt Scourge 2000" is no match for the "Dirt ''Pile'' 1957."
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles questions whether Frasier needs as many musicians as he has''
:'''Niles:''' Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, but if less is more, then just think of how much more "more" will be!

=== ''Big Crane on Campus'' [7.14] ===
:''Roz is in Café Nervosa when Frasier runs into Lorna''
:'''Roz:''' So, are you going to ask her out?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-
:'''Martin''': No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With [[w:Moe Howard|Moe Howard]]."
:'''Frasier''': That was [[w:Noël Coward|Noël Coward]]!

===''Out With Dad'' [7.15]===
:''Daphne is complaining that even being engaged doesn't guarantee a date on [[w:Valentine's Day|Valentine's Day]]''
:'''Daphne:''' Donny had to fly out to Florida. His grandmother. She'd do anything to come between us.
:'''Martin:''' What'd she do this time?
:'''Daphne:''' She died.
<hr width=50%>
:''Frasier is embarrassed that Emily just kissed him and is now about to leave.''
:'''Niles:''' ''You're'' embarrassed?! They think the best I can do is an old man with a cane!

===''Something About Dr. Mary'' [7.16]===
:''Frasier does not want Chuck Ranberg to stand in for Roz, on account of his amusing speech impediment''
:'''Roz''': Hey, Chuck. How's it going?
:'''Chuck''': Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!
<hr width=50%>
:''Martin has suggested that Frasier refuses to restrain Mary because she is black; Frasier denies it''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, owning the CD of "[[w:Ella Fitzgerald|Ella]] sings [[w:George Gershwin|Gershwin]]" does not qualify you as a [[w:Soul music|soul]] brother!

===''[[w:Whine Club|Whine Club]]'' [7.17]===
:'''Frasier''': We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."
:'''Roz''': But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?
<hr width=50%>
:''[Wine Club members address Niles, the new corkmaster, to the tune of [[w:Rule, Britannia!|Rule, Britannia]].]''
:Hail, corkmaster,
:The master of the cork,
:He knows which wine goes with fish or pork!

===''Hot Pursuit'' [7.18]===
:''[Niles is asking where Martin is.]''
:'''Daphne''': He's with Donny. They went to a [[w:Tractor pulling|tractor pull]].
:'''Niles:''' ''(as though understanding)'' Oh...
:''(gives her a questioning look)''
:'''Daphne:''' As I understand it, they attach a large weight to a tractor, and see how far they can pull it through the mud.
:'''Niles:''' ''(as though understanding)'' Oh...
:''(gives her another questioning look)''
:'''Daphne:''' The answer to your next question is, "beats the hell out of me!"
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend. Some twenty-eight year-old named Marcel. He's a contortionist with the [[w:Cirque du Soleil|Cirque du Soleil]].
:'''Niles''': She's dating French circus folk?
:'''Frasier''': Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.

===''Morning Becomes Entertainment'' [7.19]===
:'''Frasier''': Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?
:'''Daphne''': No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': I take it negotiations aren't going so well?
:'''Bebe''': You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?
:'''Frasier''': Uh-huh.
:'''Bebe''': They haven't come up to it yet.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.
:'''Bebe''': Don't worry, dear. I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.
:'''Niles''': Have you tried turning into a bat?
:'''Bebe''': I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.

===''To Thine Old Self Be True'' [7.20]===
:''Niles is showing Frasier and Roz a rotund woman eating [[w:bear claw|bear claw]]s outside Café Nervosa''
:'''Roz:''' Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.
:'''Frasier:''' It's childish.
:'''Niles:''' It's Maris!

===''The Three Faces of Frasier'' [7.21]===
:''Frasier is still complaining about the caricature on the way home from the restaurant''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, so nothing about it jumped out at you as, oh, I don't know, [[w:encephalitis|encephalitic]]?!
:'''Martin:''' So they gave you a big forehead. Who cares? It makes you look smart.
:'''Frasier:''' It makes me look like I discovered fire!
<hr width=50%>
:''Niles and Frasier take their seats at Stefano's, underneath the new portrait''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, there it is. Frasier [[w:skull|Cranium]]!

===''The Dark Side of the Moon'' [7.22]===
:''Frasier is very cross at the state of his kitchen after Simon used it''
:'''Daphne:''' Yes, I guess they got some [[w:take-out|take-out]].
:'''Frasier:''' It looked like a [[w:Kung Pao chicken|Kung Pao]] bomb went off!
<hr width=50%>
:''He then erupts when he discovers a nude Simon in his bed''
:'''Martin:''' Oh, that poor guy probably just needed a nap. It's the [[w:jet lag|jet lag]]. Couple of days and he'll be [[w:time zone|on our time]].
:'''Frasier:''' A couple more days, he'll be on our [[w:sidewalk|sidewalk]]!

=== ''[[w:Something Borrowed, Something Blue (Frasier)|Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (Part I)]]'' [7.23] ===
:''Roz is not keen on Frasier's suggestion that he accompany her to Daphne's wedding''
:'''Roz:''' Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the [[w:prom|prom]] with your brother.
:'''Frasier:''' Niles and I did not go to the prom together!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne has told Frasier that she found out about Niles' long-time attraction to her.]''
:'''Frasier''': ''[furious]'' Somebody blabbed, didn't they? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut! Who was it? Dad? Roz?
:'''Daphne''': You.
:'''Frasier''': ''What?''

=== ''[[w:Something Borrowed, Something Blue (Frasier)|Something Borrowed, Someone Blue (Part II)]]'' [7.24] ===
:''[Daphne has passionately kissed Niles.]''
:'''Niles''': I think you can call me "Niles" now.
<hr width=50%>
:''The final words of the episode, as Daphne and Niles prepare to leave the wedding together in the Winnebago''
:'''Niles:''' Fasten your [[w:seat belt|seat belt]], Daphne.
:'''Daphne:''' Fasten ''yours'', Niles!

==Season 8==
=== ''And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (1)'' [8.1] ===
:''Martin and Frasier observe the conversation between Niles and Mel. Frasier still has the figurine that Donny gave him''
:'''Frasier:''' Isn't this all too typical? Niles leaves his wife for another woman, he gets a gift; I try to do the right thing, I get Mr Chump and a [[w:lawsuit|lawsuit]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles explains to Frasier and Martin about Mel's condition that he play the doting husband in public''
:'''Niles:''' Well, since we eloped, some of Mel's colleagues decided to throw a little last-minute get-together to toast our nuptials.
:'''Martin:''' Well, after Donny gets through with Frasier, you won't be the only one havin' your nuptials toasted.

=== ''And the Dish Ran Away With the Spoon (2)'' [8.2] ===
:''Frasier is watching his brother at the wedding reception''
:'''Frasier:''' Look at him, over-acting. Trying to convince everybody he's happily married. Have you ever seen anything so pathetic in your life?
:'''Martin:''' How about you and [[w:Lilith Sternin|Lilith]]?
:'''Frasier:''' It was a rhetorical question!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''When a photographer approaches the "happy couple" at the reception, Niles becomes more nervous than ever''
:'''Photographer:''' How about a kiss?
:'''Niles:''' All right! I hardly know you, but…

=== ''The Great Crane Robbery'' [8.4] ===
:''Frasier is just leaving [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]] when Mel arrives to see Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, Mel.
:'''Mel:''' ''(icily)'' Frasier. You're looking...
:'''Frasier:''' ''(hastily)'' And you. We must do this again. ''(exits)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne arrives to find the apartment devoid of any furniture''
:'''Daphne:''' Well, I'm glad I went to three different stores to find your organic furniture polish.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, Daphne, chin up. You can always use it to polish the floors.
:'''Daphne:''' Oh yes. When God closes a door he opens a window(!)

=== ''Taking Liberties'' [8.5] ===
:''Frasier observes that Niles is in a good mood, so Niles explains that he plans to disregard Mel's instructions and take Daphne out''
:'''Niles:''' Mel be damned! Daphne and I are going to have a romantic evening together at ''my'' apartment. Not only that; she's going in ''my'' car, in ''my'' back seat, under a pile of ''my'' coats and blankets!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ferguson''': [[w:Manchester, England|Manchester]], right?
:'''Daphne''': Is it that obvious?
:'''Ferguson''': To me it is. My mum's from Manchester. Used to scream her lungs out for [[w:Manchester United|United]].
:'''Daphne''': Really? My father once tried like crazy to get [[w:Bobby Charlton|Bobby Charlton]]'s autograph, until Bobby cracked him over the head with a can of lager. Twelve stitches, and he still has the can!

=== ''Legal Tender Love and Care'' [8.6] ===
:'''Martin:''' Hey, Abby, have you heard this one? How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
:'''Abby''': I don't know. How many cops planted it there?
:'''Frasier:''' Thrust and parry, Dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Abby announces that dinner is on her, or rather, the firm''
:'''Frasier:''' I couldn't let you do that, Abby. I wanted to pay for dinner.
:'''Martin:''' Don't worry; you are.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Abby:''' I can't believe I was going to sleep with you!
:''[Throws him out of her office.]''
:'''Frasier:''' You still can!

=== ''The New Friend'' [8.7] ===
:''Frasier gives Roz his little "guilt offering". Each is unaware that the other has been spending time with Luke''
:'''Roz:''' Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.
:'''Frasier:''' No, I do not deserve ''your'' friendship.
:'''Niles:''' I deserve my own table. Excuse me. ''(exit)''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles has overheard Roz and Frasier surreptitiously phoning Luke to arrange or cancel plans for the evening. He is now leaving''
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, Niles. Listen: as it turns out I ''am'' available for that concert…
:'''Niles:''' No, you're not.

=== ''Mary Christmas'' [8.8] ===
:''Kelly Kirkland no longer co-hosts the Christmas parade with her husband''
:'''Frasier''': She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a [[w:cue card|cue card]] girl.
:'''Roz''': How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Now that [[w:Ballantine Brewery|Ballantine]] has been discontinued, Martin is not looking forward to Christmas''
:'''Daphne''': Christmas is about more than beer, Mr Crane.
:'''Niles''': Yeah, and this year's extra special 'cos Daphne and I are together.
:'''Martin''': Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith...Maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

=== ''Frasier's Edge'' [8.9] ===
:''Dr. Tewkesbury ascertains that Frasier's ex-wife is a psychiatrist''
:'''Tewkesbury:''' Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions.
:'''Frasier:''' Have you ever met Lilith?
:'''Tewkesbury:''' No.
:'''Frasier:''' ''(stuttering)'' Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''It is nearly time for Frasier's award presentation, and he has still not arrived''
:'''Niles:''' He'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall.
:'''Kenny:''' Stall? ''(beat)'' Stall?!
:'''Niles:''' Yes, like that.

=== ''Motor Skills'' [8.11] ===
:''Frasier is driving Chelsea to see her first opera. Niles and Daphne are in the back seat''
:'''Chelsea''': Oh, this is gonna be a whole new experience for me.
:'''Daphne''': Why, you've never been bored before?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles realises that students who coast through class are simply frustrated''
:'''Frasier''': So when Billy Kriezel tried to stuff you into your locker after math class, he wasn't really mad at you; he was mad at [[w:Pythagoras|Pythagoras]].
:'''Niles''': Which is ironic, because a simple volume equation would have shown him I couldn't fit.

=== ''The Show Must Go Off'' [8.12] ===
:'''Niles''': It's like we wished it to happen, and then it did. Half of me feels guilty, the other half feels relieved... actually, it's about 30-70.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': He has no instincts. He just stinks.

=== ''Sliding Frasiers'' [8.13] ===
:''Frasier is about to go speed dating, and is explaining the idea to Roz''
:'''Frasier:''' Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date... times twelve.

=== ''Hungry Heart'' [8.14] ===
:''Frasier is darting between Kenny and his wife in the apartment. Martin has not seen either of them''
:'''Frasier:''' Dad, I thought you were going to clear out tonight. I've got a date!
:''Enter Kenny''
:'''Kenny:''' Doc, I need you in the bedroom. ''(exit)''
:'''Martin:''' ''(pause)'' Pretty.

=== ''Hooping Cranes'' [8.15] ===
:''Roz cannot take the basketball tickets that Frasier has been given''
:'''Roz:''' I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.
:'''Frasier:''' So that's it, huh? No Americans left.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier finally loses patience with Niles' basking in glory''
:'''Frasier:''' The story is: one upon a time, Niles Crane ''accidentally'' made a basket. The End!

=== ''DocuDrama'' [8.15] ===
:''During the argument with Roz, Frasier obliquely threatens to walk out''
:'''Frasier:''' Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.
:'''Roz:''' Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.
:'''Frasier:''' Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".
:'''Roz:''' Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.
:'''Frasier:''' Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! ''(exit)''
<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Frasier:''' If I used you, it was only as the swift and terrible sword of Justice!

=== ''It Takes Two to Tangle'' [8.17] ===
:''Niles distracts William while Frasier speaks to his mother about Bryce Academy''
:'''Niles:''' I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wants your mother to produce.
:'''William:''' Okay, which one?
:'''Niles:''' I think it was something by [[w:Anton Chekhov|Chekhov]].

=== ''Forgotten But Not Gone'' [8.18] ===
:''After a very uninspiring Wine Corner, Frasier signs off with a remark about wine getting better with age, like a good woman''
:'''Roz:''' Aww, do you really believe that?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, who cares, Roz? I stopped listening to ''myself'' ten minutes ago!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is sharing his thoughts on a wine with Martin, in his usual verbose fashion''
:'''Frasier:''' You don't think it's clear that I enjoy the wine?
:'''Martin:''' I don't think it's clear you're ''talking'' about wine.

=== ''Daphne Returns'' [8.19] ===
:''In the midst of the argument''
:'''Niles:''' I can't read minds, you know. And by the way, neither can you!
:'''Daphne:''' Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
:'''Niles:''' Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne:''' You’re a pretentious snob, with your wine and your [[w:opera|opera]].
:'''Niles:''' You NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!

=== ''The Wizard and Roz'' [8.20] ===
:''Dr. Tewksbury has been observing Niles and Daphne in Café Nervosa. Roz explains Daphne's belief that she is psychic''
:'''Tewksbury:''' Well, no matter who's right or wrong, Niles needs to set up stricter boundaries with his patients. I learned that from years of practice.
:'''Roz:''' No, she's not his patient; she's his girlfriend.
:'''Tewkesbury:''' Oh well, in that case, no matter who's right or wrong, ''he's'' wrong. I learned that from years of marriage.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''At the last minute, Niles changes his mind and asks not to be given the results of the test''
:'''Daphne:''' Sorry, Dr. Morey. We've wasted your time.
:'''Morey:''' It's OK. Dog told me a couple of funny jokes while we were waiting.
:''Niles and Daphne look taken aback''
:'''Morey:''' I'm kidding!...They weren't that funny.

=== ''A Passing Fancy'' [8.22] ===
:''Frasier has just introduced Kirby to Roz''
:'''Kirby:''' She has gotta be pretty distracting around the office, huh?
:'''Frasier:''' Well, yes, sometimes, but she's union, so you put up with it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier thinks of a way to persuade Roz to help him out''
:'''Kirby:''' So, how you gonna get her to go with me?
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, you just leave that up to me and Mr. [[w:Bruce Springsteen|Bruce Springsteen]].
:'''Kirby:''' The Boss!
:'''Frasier:''' No, Bruce Springsteen.

=== ''A Day in May'' [8.23] ===
:'''Niles''': I'd hardly call this a dog park. ''(looks around)'' It's more like a dog...orgy. Whose [[w:beagle|beagles]] are those?
:'''Daphne''': Don't stare. It only encourages them.

=== ''Cranes Go Caribbean'' [8.24] ===
:'''Frasier''': Niles, I'm sorry. It turns out Claire and I are going to [[w:Belize|Belize]] after all. You and Daphne will have to go some place else.
:'''Niles''': Wait. Daphne has her heart set to Belize.
:'''Frasier''': Niles, this is not Cranes Go Caribbean! I want to be alone with Claire.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier has had a car accident because of Lana and will miss his flight''
:'''Frasier''': At least whoever gets my seat on the plane will be happy.

==Season 9==
=== ''Don Juan in Hell (Part 1)'' [9.1] ===
:''Frasier is waiting to retrieve some lost luggage. Bob Gardner walks in. This is the first time they meet''
:'''Bob:''' Have you been waiting here long?
:'''Frasier:''' Time is irrelevant here in the [[w:Divine Comedy#The Circles of Hell|Seventh Circle of Hell]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Kirby's ex-girlfriend has just arrived unexpectedly at his graduation party, and is furious when she meets his “other lady”''
:'''Roz:''' I was never his lady.
:'''Kirby:''' Damn, baby, that’s cold!
:'''Kristi:''' She’s old enough to be your mother, practically.
:'''Roz:''' Damn, baby, now ''that’s'' cold!

=== ''Don Juan in Hell (Part 2)'' [9.2] ===
:''Frasier is consoling Lana after Bob leaves''
:'''Lana:''' You are a really good f...
:'''Frasier:''' Don’t. Don’t use the F word.
:'''Lana:''' ''(laughs)'' I wasn’t about to! I was gonna say we’re ''friends''!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Diane''': She tried to kill me once.
:'''Hester''': Oh, not this paranoia again!
:'''Diane''': You had a ''gun.''

=== ''[[w:The First Temptation of Daphne (Frasier)|The First Temptation of Daphne]]'' [9.3] ===
:''The [[w:Cricket (insect)|cricket]] in the apartment is driving Frasier insane''
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God, can't You make him shut up?!
:'''Martin:''' That prayer doesn't get answered around here.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne knocks at the door of Niles' office]''
:'''Niles''': Well, this is an unexpected treat.
:'''Daphne''': Niles, I have something to tell you.
:'''Niles''': Is it that I am the sexiest man you've ever known?
:'''Daphne''': No. I-I mean, yes, you are. That's not why I'm here.

=== ''[[w:The Return of Martin Crane (Frasier)|The Return of Martin Crane]]'' [9.4] ===

=== ''[[w:Love Stinks (Frasier)|Love Stinks]]'' [9.5] ===
:''Frasier quotes an injurious [[w:Limerick (poetry)|limerick]] about himself to Niles''
:'''Frasier:''' "There once was a man, Frasier Crane / Who says he can feel your pain, / But he acts like a snob / To the guys at his job / And I think he's totally lame."
:'''Niles:''' That's terrible! There's a tense shift, an approximate rhyme, the scansion leaves a ''lot'' to be desired…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, you're missing the point!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne has told Niles that as a child she could not pronounce her own name, so her family called her "Dappy"''
:'''Niles:''' Oh, Dad! You'll never guess what silly nickname Daphne was called as a child!
:'''Martin:''' Is it worse than [[w:Hemorrhoid|Piles]]?

=== ''[[w:Room Full of Heroes (Frasier)|Room Full of Heroes]]'' [9.6] ===

=== ''[[w:Bla-Z Boy (Frasier)|Bla-Z Boy]]'' [9.7] ===
:''Frasier and Niles are discussing their father, while the chair catches fire unnoticed''
:'''Frasier:''' You know, I've been thinking of sending him someplace.
:'''Niles:''' Like to a resort?
:'''Frasier:''' Like to live with you.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, yes. The last resort.

=== ''[[w:The Two Hundredth (Frasier)|The Two Hundredth]]'' [9.8] ===
:'''Roz:''' It's time for another blooper.
:'''Frasier:''' Ah, yes. We're up to number four, as voted by you, the listeners. Here's what happened when a certain producer didn't realize her microphone was on during the show...
:'''Roz:''' ''[on tape]'' Now what the ''[beep]'' is this? You call this a ''[beep]'' paycheck? How the ''[beep]'' am I supposed to live on this ''[beep]''? I'm gonna have a little word with that ''[beep]''-damn station manager, walking around here like he owns the mother-''[beep]''-ing place!
:'''Kenny Daly:''' ''[who's entered]'' Can't believe that wasn't voted number one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is obsessing over the absence of one tape from his collection.]''
:'''Frasier''': That's it. I'm quirky. I'm delightfully quirky.
:'''Niles:''' Do you realize that your delightful quirk has brought your life to a standstill?
:'''Frasier:''' Niles, I've just finished my two thousandth show. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I believe that I am entitled to an entire weekend of doing nothing, don't you?
:'''Niles:''' Do you know you have your pyjamas on backwards?
:'''Frasier:''' Another delightful quirk of mine.
:'''Niles:''' Not from where I'm sitting.
:''[When Frasier gets a lead on a missing tape.]''
:'''Frasier:''' I'll put on some pants.
:'''Niles Crane:''' Zipper goes in front.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne is moping about losing Frasier's tape, so Martin shows her how he's covered up breaking a lot of Frasier's "treasures."]''
:'''Martin''': See that fertility god over there? It used to be a lot more fertile, if you know what I mean.

=== ''[[w:Sharing Kirby (Frasier)|Sharing Kirby]]'' [9.9] ===
:'''Kirby''': It's true. I'm a hopeless screw-up, just like my priest said!

=== ''[[w:Junior Agent (Frasier)|Junior Agent]]'' [9.10] ===
:'''Frasier''': And screw, may I add, ''you!''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': She took your pants, you know!
:'''Kenny Daley''': I know!

=== ''[[w:Bully for Martin (Frasier)|Bully for Martin]]'' [9.11] ===
:'''Niles''': ''[about Martin]'' You're a grown man. You're still scared of him.
:'''Frasier''': Well, you're a grown man. You're still scared of him, too.
:'''Niles''': Yeah, well, at least I have a girlfriend.
:'''Frasier''': Shut up.

=== ''[[w:Mother Load (1) (Frasier)|Mother Load (1)]]'' [9.12] ===
:''[Frasier has successfully argued a motion forcing [[w:Minor characters on Frasier#Cam Winston|Cam Winston]] to park his [[w:Hummer|Hummer]] in the sub-basement, citing pollution concerns.]''
:'''Cam Winston''': Listen, Crane, you may have bamboozled the condo board, but we both know you just want more room to swing your fat ass into that BMW!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cam:''' You do your share of polluting with that substitute for masculinity you're driving.
:'''Frasier:''' If mine's a substitute for masculinity, then what is yours?
:'''Cam:''' Bigger!

=== ''[[w:Mother Load (2) (Frasier)|Mother Load (2)]]'' [9.13] ===
:''[Frasier refuses to let Simon bring a woman into his apartment]''
:'''Simon''': ''[to Frasier]'' Well, you're just a big contraceptive, aren't you?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier has been kept awake for several nights because of Cam Winston draping a giant American flag over his window]''
:'''Daphne''': Still awake, Doctor Crane?
:'''Frasier''': Yes. It's almost dawn's early light... and our flag is still there.

=== ''[[w:Juvenilia (Frasier)|Juvenilia]]'' [9.14] ===

=== ''[[w:The Proposal (Frasier)|The Proposal]]'' [9.15] ===
:''[Frasier has just found out his mother was pregnant with him at her wedding.]''
:'''Frasier''': You knew?
:'''Niles''': Well, do you remember that time I had the chickenpox? Mom told me to cheer me up.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': Excuse me, Mr. Puck?
:'''[[w:Wolfgang Puck|Wolfgang Puck]]''': ''[annoyed]'' Yes, Dr. Crane?
:'''Frasier''': It's just that, I couldn't help noticing that the crab cakes are getting a bit... brown.
:'''Wolfgang Puck''': They're getting "beautifully crunchy."
:'''Frasier''': I see. Because when I said, "brown," I actually meant more like "black," like "burned."
:'''Wolfgang Puck''': They're [[w:Cajun|Cajun]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': Daphne Moon, will you, and your beautiful toes and your exquisite ankles and your precious knees, elbows and arms and fingers, shoulders... ''[holds up the ring]'' Will you marry me?
:'''Daphne''': Oh, Niles! Of course, I will.

=== ''[[w:Wheels of Fortune (Frasier)|Wheels of Fortune]]'' [9.16] ===
:''Frasier refuses to be taken in by Blaine's apparent disability''
:'''Daphne:''' Dr. Crane, the man is in a wheelchair.
:'''Frasier:''' Which means that somewhere, someone is missing a wheelchair!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Blaine:''' I've started a ministry to save souls the way the Lord saved mine.
:'''Frasier:''' What genius(!) The Lord! A credible partner who doesn't take a cut.

=== ''[[w:Three Blind Dates (Frasier)|Three Blind Dates]]'' [9.17] ===
:''Niles is trying to orchestrate a chance meeting between Frasier and Lisa in the bookshop, by sending his brother on errands''
:'''Frasier''': Good Heavens, Niles, what am I? Your [[w:Lackey|lackey]]?
:'''Niles''': No, no, no. I'm just engrossed in this "Heroes of [[w:NASCAR|Nas-Car]]."
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After an argument with a shop assistant, Frasier leaves indignantly, dragged by Niles''
:'''Frasier''': You know, by the way: you have an alphabetical misfile, but I'm not telling you where!

=== ''[[w:War of the Words (Frasier)|War of the Words]]'' [9.18] ===
:'''John''': Well, cameras never lie and cheaters never prosper.
:'''Frasier''': And you never shut up!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles encourages Frederick to leave with his dignity intact, but then John Clayton scornfully says he will probably end up in a [[w:state school|state school]]''
:'''Niles:''' How DARE you! ''[to Frederick]'' Can you take him?
:'''Frederick:''' Yeah!
:'''Niles:''' Then spell his ass off!

=== ''[[w:Deathtrap (Frasier)|Deathtrap]]'' [9.19] ===
:''[Frasier and Niles find a skull]''
:'''Niles''': Maybe it's a builder that got trapped, or an exterminator that was overcome with fumes.
:'''Frasier''': Probable solutions, Niles. However, neither is possible.
:'''Niles''': Why not?
:'''Frasier''': Because when you die, your head does not pop off like a champagne cork!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles''': I think this rock may be the murder weapon.
:'''Frasier''': Why that rock instead of all the other rocks down there?
:'''Niles''': It's pointier.

=== ''The Love You Fake'' [9.20] ===
:''Daphne is angling for Frasier to buy a [[w:Combo washer dryer|washer-dryer]]. Frasier has discovered an odd sock''
:'''Frasier''': I will not be strong-armed by threats against my laundry!
:'''Daphne''': ''[unperturbed]'' Suit yourself. I'm off to do a load of your pinks. ''[exits]''
:'''Frasier''': I don't have any pinks.
:'''Daphne''': ''[from the kitchen]'' You will.

=== ''Cheerful Goodbyes'' (9.21) ===
:''Carla snaps in the middle of her valediction speech to Cliff''
:'''Carla''': ''(getting angrier and angrier as she talks)'' It sticks in my mouth like your rotten [[w:Deviled egg|devilled eggs]]. '''I hate your guts!''' I hate the way you talk and talk and talk about nothing, the way you walk, your stupid white socks...
:'''Frasier''': Carla...
:'''Carla''': Knock off! I'm toasting! ''[to Cliff]'' The twenty years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats. But now, finally you're ''leaving'', I know I'm not as young as I used to be but I can live again, I can live again! Finally I can live, I can live!! ''[Noticing that everybody is shocked]'' Anyway...God bless.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cliff''': What's goin' down, Norm?
:'''Norm''': My blood alcohol level. ''[to his beer]'' Suds, do your work.

=== ''The Guilt Trippers'' [9.23] ===
:''[Frasier and Roz have slept together]''
:'''Frasier''': Do you know what she's going to see when she looks at me now?
:'''Martin''': Your naked body?
:'''Frasier''': Oh, dear God! I was gonna say, "Somebody who's betrayed her trust," but...oh, dear God!

=== ''Moons Over Seattle'' [9.24] ===
:''Niles offers to pay for Daphne's father to fly back with him to Seattle''
:'''Harry:''' I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America!
:'''Niles:''' ''[pauses]'' I insist!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Harry is on the point of leaving to return home. Niles begs him to stay a little longer to spend time with Daphne''
:'''Niles:''' I'll put you up in a hotel.
:'''Harry:''' I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America.
:'''Harry:''' Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne:''' So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends.
:'''Harry:''' But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person.
:'''Daphne:''' You barely know him.
:'''Harry:''' Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times, and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy! I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell you, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing. ''[rubs his fingers together]'' He's worth a bob or two.

==Season 10==
=== ''The Ring Cycle'' [10.1] ===
:'''Gertrude:''' Well, in ''my'' day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
:'''Alice:''' Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
:'''Gertrude:''' ''[to Roz]'' You should talk to your daughter. ''[exits]''
:'''Roz:''' ''[to Alice]'' When we get home, you're getting ice cream.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier attempts to reassure Daphne's mother that a civil ceremony does not mean a Godless union''
:'''Frasier:''' For if you truly believe in the [[w:omniscience|omniscience]] and [[w:omnipresence|omnipresence]] of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
:'''Gertrude:''' No, He lives at the church!

=== ''Enemy at the Gate'' [10.2] ===
:''[Niles and Daphne have named their pet [[w:Lovebird|lovebirds]] after themselves]''
:'''Niles:''' This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"
:'''Frasier:''' Trust me: no one is more birdly than Niles.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An angry driver waiting behind Frasier's car claims that only rich people can afford to behave the way he is doing]''
:'''Frasier:''' My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?
:'''Niles:''' Yes. ''[to the driver]'' I drive a [[w:Mercedes-Benz|Mercedes]], and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

=== ''Proxy, Prexy'' [10.3] ===
:''Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him''
:'''Frasier''': We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.
:'''Martin''': ''[annoyed]'' Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.

=== ''Kissing Cousin'' [10.4] ===
:''Niles has arrived at Frasier's apartment to find his wife doing housework for his brother and father''
:'''Niles''': Are you proud of yourselves?
:'''Frasier''': We didn't ask her to do anything!
:'''Martin''': She offered!
:'''Niles''': Then why is no one looking me in the eye?

=== ''Tales from the Crypt'' [10.5] ===
:''[Frasier, the victim of Bulldog's latest prank, denies having been fooled, then hears a tape of himself]''
:'''Frasier:''' ''[wailing]'' My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin complains that Frasier makes practical jokes seem like work]''
:'''Martin:''' This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
:'''Frasier:''' Like when?
:'''Martin:''' Like the last time we went to the beach!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Jason’s parents call round to Niles' apartment to sort things out]''
:'''Beverly White:''' It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.
:'''Niles:''' ''You're'' embarrassed? Meet our daughter. ''[gestures to Gertrude]''

=== ''[[w:Star Mitzvah (Frasier)|Star Mitzvah]]'' [10.6] ===
:'''Noel''': The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need [[w:Scott Bakula|Scott Bakula]]'s autograph to make my collection complete.
:'''Frasier''': Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
:'''Noel''': Oh, I would! But [[w:William Shatner|William Shatner]]'s restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a ''real'' [[w:Weapons_of_Star_Trek#Phasers|phaser]].

<hr width=50%>
:'''Frasier''': ''[[w:Star Trek|Star Trek]]'' is just a TV show.
:'''Noel''': So was [[w:Evelyn Waugh#Brideshead Revisited (1945)|Brideshead Revisited]]!
:'''Frasier''': You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!

=== ''Bristle While You Work'' [10.7] ===
:''[Frasier has just finished interviewing another candidate and is walking her to the door]''
:'''Frasier:''' Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... ''[closes the door]'' of never!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin is encouraged to hear that Trish is a fan of the [[w:Seattle SuperSonics|Sonics]]]''
:'''Trish:''' I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.
:'''Martin:''' Not everybody. Or his brother.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin:''' Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... ''[closes the door]'' asteroid hits Earth!

=== ''Room with a View'' (10.8) ===
:''Frasier is arguing with the surgeon about Niles' operation''
:'''Dr Schaeffer''': Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.
:'''Frasier''': And ''my'' expert opinion says otherwise.
:'''Dr Schaeffer''': ''[calm, but annoyed]'' Well, if you're such an expert, maybe ''you'' should perform the surgery.
:'''Frasier''': Maybe I will.
:'''Niles''': ''[whining]'' Dad...
:'''Martin''': ''[sternly]'' Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.
:'''Martin''': How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?
:'''Frasier''': Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.

=== ''We Two Kings'' [10.10] ===
:''[Roz encourages Frasier to air his grievances about Christmas]''
:'''Roz:''' Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
:'''Frasier:''' It's just so egregious!
:'''Roz:''' Smaller words.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Niles:''' Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
:'''Frasier:''' Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you: [[w:Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]] called, and ''you'' are not the centre of the universe!

=== ''Lilith Needs a Favor'' [10.13] ===
:'''Albert:''' My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was nervous because I'd turn ''off'' white.
:'''Lilith:''' I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with [[w:Liquid Paper|Liquid Paper]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' Would we sleep together?
:'''Lilith:''' I was thinking we could ''freeze'' your sperm.
:'''Frasier:''' Is that a "yes" or "no"?

=== ''Daphne Does Dinner'' [10.14] ===
:'''Frasier:''' As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
:'''Martin:''' As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne guards a veiled painting from a curious guest]''
:'''Daphne:''' You've got two choices: you can either ''walk'' away from the painting, or you can ''limp'' away from the painting.

=== ''Trophy Girlfriend'' [10.15] ===
:''Chelsea and Frasier celebrate their mixed doubles win. Frasier cannot resist gloating in front of his brother''
:'''Chelsea''': There's no 'i' in team.
:'''Frasier''': Like there is in Niles!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Roz and Julia find a way to be friends: by insulting each other''
:'''Julia''': You know there's a place down the street that's open all night.
:'''Roz''': Just like your mouth?
:'''Julia''': Just like your legs?

=== ''Fraternal Schwinns'' [10.16] ===
:''[Frasier and Niles are in a bicycle shop]''
:'''Frasier:''' Is there anything else we need?
:'''Niles:''' Hmm, let me see. Oh yes, I know: we need to know how to ''ride them''!
:'''Frasier:''' If a child of four can ride one, then so can we.
:'''Niles:''' That's what we said when we were six!

=== ''Kenny on the Couch'' [10.17] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child [[w:Psychological trauma|trauma]].
:'''Martin:''' What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles learns of Frasier's new patient]''
:'''Frasier:''' Very challenging case. The man has father issues, any number of [[w:neurosis|neuroses]] and a [[w:phobia|phobia]] or two.
:'''Niles:''' Sounds to me like you’ve hit the [[w:crank (person)|crackpot]]!

=== ''Roe to Perdition'' [10.18] ===
:''[Frasier tries to think of a solution to the shortage of caviar.]''
:'''Frasier:''' What was the name of the boat...?
:'''Niles:''' [[w:Mutiny on the Bounty|HMS ''Bounty'']]!
:'''Frasier:''' This isn’t ''[[w:Trivial Pursuit|Trivial Pursuit]].'' Let me finish!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin, still frustrated at the amount of [[w:red tape|red tape]] he faces at the bank, takes a phone call in Frasier’s absence]''
:'''Martin:''' No, I'm sorry. Frasier isn’t here. Sure you can place an order. Here, let me transfer you to that department! ''[hangs up]''

=== ''Some Assembly Required'' [10.19] ===
:'''Frasier:''' In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad. It caught fire.

=== ''Farewell, Nervosa'' [10.20] ===
:'''Martin:''' Hey Fras', how was your trip to the accountant?
:'''Frasier:''' Fine, er, fine... why are all these lights on?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''Evelyn takes a phone call from her children’s nanny, then hangs up.]''
:'''Evelyn:''' Sorry about that. Susie got stuck in the [[w:Chute (gravity)|laundry chute]] again.
:'''Daphne:''' Aww, poor thing. How old is she?
:'''Evelyn:''' What's the difference? After tomorrow, she’s not our nanny any more.

=== ''The Devil and Dr. Phil'' [10.21] ===
:''Frasier has confided in Niles of how Bebe is trying to lure him back''
:'''Niles:''' I think I’ve figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the [[w:Apocalypse|Apocalypse]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakeable thirst…
:'''Frasier & Niles:''' ''[unison]'' …for Crane.

=== ''Fathers and Sons'' [10.22] ===
:''[Niles and Daphne are discussing names for a baby]''
:'''Niles:''' How about Desmond?
:'''Daphne:''' Hmm. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?
:'''Niles:''' 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name, so you either end up running them together — Jackrane — or you face the dreaded [[w:glottal stop|glottal stop]]. Jack—Crane. Jack—Crane. It's unpleasant for the throat.
:'''Daphne:''' This conversation’s unpleasant for the throat.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier, Niles, and Leland are singing the Major-General's song. Martin tries to fit in.]''
:'''Leland:''' About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
:'''All:''' With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse—
:'''Martin:''' With many awful facts about the scary [[w:hippopotamus|hippopotamus]]!

=== ''Analyzed Kiss'' [10.23] ===
:''Frasier joins Daphne in a very busy Nervosa''
:'''Frasier''': I've never seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?
:'''Daphne''': It's Mum's day off. Apparently, there was a mass e-mail.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin has gone to the shooting range with Niles''
:'''Frasier''': He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that, when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of...''(pause for effect)'' Niles's calibre. ''(chuckles to himself)'' I'm in rare form today.
:'''Daphne''': ''(smiles, unamused)'' You should see this place when they know ''you're'' not coming.

=== ''A New Position for Roz'' [10.24] ===
:''[Worn out by Alice's energetic games, Niles and Daphne place her in front of the TV.]''
:'''Niles:''' Should we really be popping her in front of the tube?
:'''Daphne:''' It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more ''Jung for Youngsters''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frasier is talking about one of his favourite films, Noch einen Stuhl.]''
:'''Frasier:''' It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside [[w:armchair|armchair]].
:'''Roz:''' I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gil Chesterton is toasting Roz at her going-away party thrown by her KACL coworkers.]''
:'''Gil:''' Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A wonderful coworker, and a good friend.
:'''All:''' ''[Sounds of concurrence and chants of ''Hear, hear!'']''
:'''Gil:''' Of course I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. ''[with obvious fervor]'' She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm, away! ''[Gil downs his glass of wine in one long swig.]

==Season 11==
===''No Sex Please, We're Skittish'' [11.01]===
:''Frasier and Roz recall the occasion when they slept together two years previously''
:'''Frasier:''' I seem to recall hearing the term “[[w:stallion|stallion]]-like”
:'''Roz:''' I never said that
:'''Frasier:''' Well, one of us did!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne and Niles have just read the [[w:pregnancy test|pregnancy test]]''
:'''Niles:''' But my slow [[w:sperm|sperm]]...
:'''Daphne:''' I must have fast [[w:ovum|eggs]]!

===''A Man, A Plan, A Gal: Julia'' [11.02]===
:''Niles has observed Frasier's unfortunate dating pattern''
:'''Frasier:''' I'd like to strike you, of course, but you speak the truth!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Niles is encouraging Frasier to commit to commitment. Despite the glib expression, he is inspired''
:'''Frasier:''' I am going to call Julia, and I will ''not'' take "no" for an answer! I may have walked in here the old fault-finding, flaw-fleeing Flasier, but I leave a man committed to commitment!
:'''Niles:''' ''[grinning]'' You said Flasier.
:'''Frasier:''' I did not!

===''[[w:The Doctor Is Out|The Doctor Is Out]]'' [11.03]===
:''Alistair Burke has just appeared in Café Nervosa''
:'''Frasier''': He is only the ''head'' of the Seattle Opera Guild, and one of the finest directors in the world!
:'''Niles:''' His productions are brilliant! He staged a [[w:Philip Glass|Philip Glass]] opera last year and no one left.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Let's see. One of my sons just got picked up by a guy. My other son is jealous. Yep, life is good!

=== ''The Babysitter [11.04]'' ===
''Frasier finds Ronee in the middle of her musical entertainment at the Wellington''
:'''Ronee''': I'm gonna take a little break. Try not to kill yourselves from disappointment.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Both Martin and Frasier are trying to humiliate each other in a bid for Ronee's attention''
:'''Frasier''': Dad, you know, you really ought to slow down there. ''[to Ronee]'' You know, at his age, one slip and it's the [[w:Intensive care unit|ICU]] and then it's I-see-ya later.
:'''Martin''': Well, I wouldn't worry about me, Fras'. I don't feel any older now than I did when you were parading around in your mother's heels. ''[everyone laughs]'' Of course, that was just last Christmas.

=== ''The Placeholder [11.05]'' ===
:''Frasier does not appreciate being set up by Roz''
:'''Frasier''': I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right?
:'''Roz''': Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr [[w:Mothball|Mothball]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier is just about to part company with Ann''
:'''Ann''': Well, here we are. The awkward part.
:'''Frasier''': Oh, it's not awkward at all. I’d be delighted to pay for your cab. Here we are. ''(hands over money and runs)''

=== ''[[w:Maris Returns|Maris Returns]]'' [11.07] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Welcome. Whether our journey together lasts for years or just one day, I can’t tell you how excited I am to take this first step with you.
:''[He says this first to the [[w:temporary work|temp]] [[w:receptionist|receptionist]], then to four successive patients who all disappear within minutes]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles is having a [[w:panic attack|panic attack]] in the kitchen during the baby shower]''
:'''Martin:''' Calm down, Niles.
:'''Niles:''' I can’t! I’m telling her another lie every time I open my mouth!
:'''Martin:''' Oh, get a grip on yourself, man! It’s called marriage!

=== ''[[w:Murder Most Maris|Murder Most Maris]]'' [11.08] ===
:''Niles has had a nervous breakdown and stripped naked in [[w:Café Nervosa|Café Nervosa]]''
:'''Waiter:''' I’m calling the cops!
:'''Roz:''' The hell you are! This man’s tips alone have probably paid for all the [[w:cannabis (drug)|pot]] you’ll ever smoke!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Frasier''': It's as if you'd forgotten that not ''three days ago'' I was... punched in the face...by a man now dead.
:''He says this, changing time intervals to suit the moment, throughout the episode. Each time, everyone falls reverently silent.''
:'''Frasier''': Thank you!

=== ''Guns N' Neuroses'' [11.09] ===
:'''Frasier''': I was having the most distressing dream; I was climbing up a volcano, that was spewing ice instead of lava.
:'''Daphne''': An ice volcano. I wonder what that could mean.
:''Frasier checks his messages''
:'''Voice on the answering machine''': Hello, it's Lilith.
:'''Frasier, Martin and Daphne''': ''[with sudden realization]'' Oh, well.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Frasier’s doorbell rings in his absence. Lilith is expected''
:'''Niles''': Shouldn’t you get the door?
:'''Martin''': You’re closer.
:'''Niles''': I don’t live here.
:'''Martin''': Doesn’t matter. You’re family.
:'''Niles''': So’s Daph…
:'''Daphne''': ''[interrupts]'' Oh no, you don’t!
:'''Lilith''': ''[from outside]'' Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let myself in.

=== ''Seabea Jeebies'' [11.10] ===
:''Roz arrives at the awards ceremony with her insufferably smug sister''
:'''Denise''': Roz, are you sure this dress didn't fit you? Because I'm just swimming in it.
:'''Roz''': ''(to a waiter)'' Two [[w:Bloody Mary (cocktail)|Bloody Mary]]s, please. And there's a 20 in it for you if one of them's poisoned. I don't even care which one.

=== ''[[w:High Holidays (Frasier)|High Holidays]]'' [11.11] ===
:''[Frasier has just seen Frederick’s goth girlfriend, and is reeling from the shock]''
:'''Niles:''' Well, at least he’s not dating outside the faith.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles has just announced his rebellious plans to Frasier]''
:'''Frasier:''' What?!
:'''Niles:''' I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier. One act of utter, devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course, I’ll have a nurse on [[w:abbreviated dialing|speed-dial]] in case things get too hairy.

=== ''[[w:Frasier-Lite|Frasier-Lite]]'' [11.12] ===
:''A caller on Frasier’s radio show has suddenly become involved in a domestic argument''
:'''Morrie’s daughter:''' I’m running away from home!
:'''Morrie:''' Oh, hang up the phone, Britney! You’re not going anywhere!
:'''Frasier:''' ''[calmly]'' And neither is this conversation. ''[cuts them off]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier steps onto the scales at the weigh-in on television''
:'''Presenter:''' Ouch! 1[[w:pound (mass)|lb]] heavier, Fras’!
:'''Frasier:''' That can’t be! I’ve added a [[w:salad|salad]] to every meal!

=== ''The Ann Who Came to Dinner'' [11.13] ===
:'''Martin:''' I just walked in on your insurance lady taking a sponge bath!
:'''Frasier:''' Dear God! Which [[w:sponge (tool)|sponge]]?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Daphne has a surprising reaction to the painting of Niles''
:'''Daphne''': ''(smiling)'' That’s what our son would look like if I were a goat.

=== ''Freudian Sleep'' [11.14] ===
:''Niles arrives at Frasier’s place. He has had a very bad day''
:'''Niles:''' I need a [[w:sherry|sherry]].
:'''Frasier:''' Brace yourself!
:'''Niles:''' ''[sees the empty bottle]'' You always think it’s going to happen to someone else.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Martin takes charge''
:'''Martin:''' ''[to Daphne]'' You’re gonna lose your looks? Happens to everyone. ''[to Frasier]'' You’re afraid you’re gonna end up alone? You’ll still have your family. ''[to Niles]'' You’re afraid you’re gonna be a bad father? Join the club! ''[to all three]'' Now just clam up and go to bed!

=== ''Caught in the Act'' [11.15] ===
''Frasier covers Alice's ears during his conversation with Roz''
:'''Frasier''': If truth be told, it's been a while since I...romped with abandon through the perfumed gardens of [[w:Eros|Eros]].
:'''Roz''': Next time you say something like that, cover ''my'' ears.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Nanette is in Frasier's house and she tries to explain her disdain for carrying on her role as Nanny G''
:'''Nanette''': Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?!

=== ''Boo!'' [11.16] ===
:''[Niles is appalled when he learns the reason for his father’s heart attack.]''
:'''Niles:''' ''(to Frasier)'' Look at you! You just stand there with a smile on your face.
:'''Frasier:''' That’s [[w:cosmetics|make-up]], you idiot!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier and Niles discuss the possibility of a future without Martin''
:'''Frasier:''' Now, I can’t imagine life without him.
:'''Niles:''' It would be very hard to walk into this apartment and see that chair…and know that Dad wasn’t here anymore.
:'''Frasier:''' Oh, I’d get rid of that chair immediately.

=== ''Coots and Ladders'' [11.17] ===
:''Niles does not want to get involved in undoing Frasier’s criminal activity''
:'''Frasier:''' Fine, I’ll do it myself! Here, hold this for me. ''(hands Niles the stolen item)''
:'''Niles:''' What for?
:'''Frasier:''' ''[grabs it back]'' Now your [[w:fingerprint|prints]] are on it too, you ''have'' to help me!
:'''Niles:''' Fiend!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''Frasier claims that Niles is afraid of spiders…then also that he is afraid of heights…then also of crowds''
:'''Frasier:''' You are looking at that rarest of beasts: the [[w:arachnophobia|arachno]]-[[w:acrophobia|acro]]-[[w:agoraphobia|agoraphobe]]!

=== ''Match Game'' [11.18] ===
:''[Daphne’s [[w:doula|doula]] insists on a drug-free childbirth, and Roz, as a mother, can hardly believe her ears.]''
:'''Harvest:''' A [[w:natural childbirth|natural childbirth]] needn’t be painful.
:'''Roz:''' It needn’t be, but it be!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne changes her mind about the natural birth after seeing a video of one.]''
:'''Daphne:''' I’m having my baby the way God intended: in a hospital, numb from the waist down!

=== ''Miss Right Now'' [11.19] ===
:''Niles has discovered fast food. Frasier remains unconvinced''
:'''Daphne:''' I guess he's got the fast food bug.
:'''Frasier:''' And which one would that be? [[w:Escherichia coli|E. coli]]?

=== ''And Frasier Makes Three'' [11.20] ===
:''Frasier explains his strategy for winning Charlotte over''
:'''Frasier:''' I am merely going present myself as the anti-Frank.
:'''Niles:''' Ah, so you’re going to be ''not'' rugged and ''not'' handsome. Interesting.
:'''Frasier:''' No…
:'''Niles:''' You could also be not passionate and not committed.
:'''Frasier:''' Very funny.
:'''Niles:''' Maybe she’d like you if you were not interesting and not informed…
:'''Frasier:''' Niles!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Charlotte has just told Frasier that she no longer remembers what she and Frank were fighting about.]''
:'''Frasier:''' ''[to Niles]'' You know what that means, don’t you? They had a long night of acrobatic make-up sex.
:'''Niles:''' I’ve just thought of another way you could be the anti-Frank.

=== ''Detour'' [11.21] ===
''Frasier offers to drive Charlotte to the station''
:'''Frasier:''' I've always been a sucker for that romantic movie-ending goodbye. A fog-shrouded train platform, a passionate kiss.
:'''Charlotte:''' With a romantic dip.
:'''Frasier:''' Yes, well, maybe I am, but there are damn few of us left.
:'''Charlotte:''' ''(leans back)'' Dip. Dip.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I had a great time with you today. With somebody else, it would’ve been a disaster.
:'''Charlotte:''' With somebody else, I would’ve been in Portland.

=== ''Crock Tales'' [11.22] ===
:'''Frasier:''' Roz is dropping by with someone she wanted me to meet.
:'''Niles:''' Ooh, a lady friend?
:'''Frasier:''' ''[sarcastic]'' No, we’re going to form a [[w:jazz trio|jazz trio]], Niles.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Niles is drowning his sorrows after separating from Maris]''
:'''Roz:''' Alice is so cute! She fell asleep hugging her bottle.
:'''Niles:''' I’m right behind her!

=== ''Goodnight, Seattle'' [11.23-24] ===
:''Charlotte is cooking dinner with Frasier''
:'''Charlotte:''' We’re such a [[w:cliché|cliché]]: the little woman at the stove, the big rugged man with his brawny arm…
:'''Frasier:''' ''[interrupts]'' Oh, the [[w:hollandaise sauce|hollandaise]] is breaking!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frasier:''' I've had enough easy goodbyes, I'm kind of glad to have the chance to have another tough one.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After spending time with Daphne’s brothers, Niles is worried about his child''
:'''Niles:''' The idea that our son might take after them is making me crazy!
:'''Frasier:''' Now Niles, just remember, those hearty Crane [[w:gene|genes]] are in there, too.
:'''Niles:''' Oh, please. Those Moon genes have probably beaten our genes up and stolen their lunch money!

<hr width=:50%"/>
:'''Frasier''': ''[Last lines on his KACL talk show]'' For eleven years you've heard me say, "I’m listening." Well, you were listening, too. And for that I am eternally grateful. Goodnight, Seattle.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Flight Attendant''': “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Chicago...”
:'''Frasier''':''[Last Lines, to Anne]'' Wish me luck. ''[Fades to black]''

==Memorable Title Cards==
*'''IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT''' ''(screen fades to black, then)'' '''NO, REALLY''' ''(A Mid-Winter Night's Dream)''

== Cast ==
* [[w:Kelsey Grammer|Kelsey Grammer]] - Dr. Frasier Crane
* [[w:David Hyde Pierce|David Hyde Pierce]] - Dr. Niles Crane
* [[w:John Mahoney|John Mahoney]] - Martin Crane
* [[w:Jane Leeves|Jane Leeves]] - Daphne Moon
* [[w:Peri Gilpin|Peri Gilpin]] - Roz Doyle
* [[w: Dan Butler|Dan Butler]] - Bulldog

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0106004|title=Frasier}}
*[http://www.frasieronline.co.uk/ Frasier Online]
*[http://www.nbc.com/frasier/ NBC site]

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:NBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]

Absolute Power (comedy)

2014-03-24T00:16:26Z

YKWSG: /* Episode Four: Identity Crisis */

'''''[[w:Absolute Power (comedy)|Absolute Power]]''''' (2000–2006) is a British comedy series, set in the offices of Prentiss McCabe, a fictional public relations company in London, run by Charles Prentiss (Stephen Fry) and Martin McCabe (John Bird). Its name is taken from a quote by the historian [[John Dalberg-Acton, 1st Baron Acton|Lord Acton]] that "power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely".

The series began on radio, then transferred to television.
__TOC__


== Radio Series 1 (2000)==
=== ''Episode One: Conservative Party'' ===
:'''Charles''': ''(to his bank manager)'' How far will you extend my overdraft, for the exclusive, unrestrained, or possibly restrained, use of my body?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': You were going to spend your redundancy money on a pub.
:'''Martin''': No, no, no. I was going to spend my redundancy money ''in'' a pub.

=== ''Episode Two: Relaunch of The Sun'' ===
:'''Charles''': You have that talent peculiar to the mediocre, of stating the obvious in a way that brings out the genius in a genius.

=== ''Episode Three: Mayor of London'' ===
:'''Martin''': Ah, America, America, Land of the Arse.
:'''Charles''': I do so very beg your pardon?
:'''Martin''': It's true. They've all got them. Great big enormous ones. It's because they drink Coca Cola out of dustbins.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': ''(reading)'' "Congratulations, as usual. Appreciate what a difficult assignment this was, and have doubled your fee. Please ''eat'' this e-mail."

=== ''Episode Four: The Church of England'' ===
:'''Bishop of Bath and Wells''': I want you chaps to do what I believe you call a "product relaunch".
:'''Charles''': You want us to relaunch God?
<hr width="50%"/>
''Has the Church gone off-message?''
:'''Archie''': The Prime Minister was returning from a speaking engagement in the North last night, when he was confronted by a billboard. An enormous billboard, saying: "Don't make me come down there! – God"

=== ''Episode Five: Radio 3'' ===
''Writing a report on the future of Radio 3''
:'''Martin''': ''(reading aloud while typing)'' "So, in conclusion," erm...
:'''Charles''': Martin, it's no good typing "so, in conclusion" at the bottom of a blank screen.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Cuff O, backwards.

=== ''Episode Six: English Sporting Success'' ===
:'''Controller of BBC 1''': To a public service broadcaster, ratings are like sex: when you're getting plenty, they don't matter; when you're not getting ''any'', they matter lots.

== Radio Series 2 (2001)==
=== ''Episode One: Martin is Bored'' ===
:'''Charles''': Labour has just lost one of its safest seats.
:'''Martin''': How interesting(!)
:'''Charles''': Do I have to explain to you the significance of that?
:'''Martin''': You don't have to, Charles, no. Mind you, it might relieve the tedium, if the explanation involved pulling your trousers down and doing your impression of a [[w:swingometer|swingometer]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Do you happen to remember writing: "Dear Sirs, the reason I have not replied to your letters of the 26th and the 30th is that I couldn't be arsed. Yours in sport, Martin"?
:'''Martin''': Well, I may possibly have done. Why?
:'''Charles''': Well, because you e-mailed it to the [[w:Inland Revenue|Inland Revenue]], who have written back in distressed tones.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': I shall never forget that night I took you to [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]]'s. What was it you said? "If that bow-tied ponce serves me the squid ink, I will put it in a squid pen and write squid bollocks".

=== ''Episode Two: Promoting Philosophy'' ===
:'''Sandy''': We might have clients coming.
:'''Martin''': Well, as God once remarked to the people of [[w:Sodom and Gomorrah|Gomorrah: sod 'em]].
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gayle''': Now you're beginning to speak my language!
:'''Charles''': Oh, I'm not a beginner. I've always been fluent in Dirty Bastard.

=== ''Episode Three: Relaunching a Literary Career'' ===
''Lunching a client with undisguised contempt''
:'''Martin''': The salad of strawberry and feta cheese, please, and the chicken.
:'''Charles''': Smoked salmon and the confit of duck, I think.
:'''Waiter''': And for you, sir?
:'''Ralph Parsons''': Er, I'll have...
:'''Charles''': ''(interrupts quickly)'' An omelette!
:'''Ralph''': Oh.
:'''Charles''': And a bottle of Saint-Émilion. And a glass of Vimto for ''that''.

=== ''Episode Four: The Elderly Initiative'' ===
''Operation Shaft the Chancellor''
:'''Charles''': Where are you going?
:'''Martin''': I'm going to my club for a glass of claret.
:'''Charles''': But there's work to do!
:'''Martin''': My dear Charles, even a first-class mind requires lubrication before shafting.
<hr width="50%"/>
''The morning after Charles' breakdown''
:'''Martin''': If he should come in, show him some TCP.
:'''Sandy''': TLC, Mr McCabe.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': If there's one thing better than having a first-class mind, it's being a first-class bastard.

=== ''Episode Five: Prison Reform'' ===
:'''Martin''': I want my morning claret. The sun is over the yardarm. If it isn't, I'll get a new yardarm.

=== ''Episode Six: Gayle Shand'' ===
''Charles seems remarkably insouciant about the riot in Brixton prison''
:'''Martin''': They've taken two Labour MPs hostage!
:'''Charles''': The Prime Minister's got ''hundreds'' of Labour MPs!

== Radio Series 3 (2002)==
=== ''Episode One: Poking the PM'' ===
:'''Editor of the Daily Telegraph''': We're thought to be out of touch with the...what do you call it?
:'''Martin''': Zeitgeist?
:'''Editor''': We don't use German in the ''Telegraph'', Martin.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Archie''': Charles, this is the most secret secret in the history of secret secret secrets. It is for your eyes only, with your eyes closed.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': E-mail Clive: "see me to be sacked".

=== ''Episode Two: Health Service'' ===
:'''Archie''': Are you sure this is safe?
:'''Charles''': Of course this is safe! This is a dinner to celebrate outstanding achievement by British tennis players. There's nobody here at all!
<hr width="50%"/>
''With the threat of a general strike looming, Martin reviews Clive's work on the healthy eating campaign''
:'''Martin''': I'm not sure how the [[w:Advertising Standards Authority (United Kingdom)|Advertising Standards Authority]] will react to a fat naked man looking forlornly down, with a caption saying: "Can you see my point? Because I can't."
:'''Clive''': You did suggest a sexual theme.
:'''Martin''': Yes...Clive, you don't feel like going on strike now, do you?

=== ''Episode Three: Big Brother'' ===
''Toggle wants a career in show business on the basis of no talent whatsoever''
:'''Charles''': No, I'm sorry but Prentiss-McCabe has not sunk as low as that!
:'''Toggle''': I've been offered a quarter of a million to talk about my experiences.
:'''Charles''': How low would you like me to sink, exactly?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Morris, there are great men and men of weight, and waiters who get to clean the grate. Go and clean the grate, Morris!
:'''Maurice''': Oui, Monsieur.
:'''Martin''': Ah, that's more like it. You're much more fun when you're a complete bastard.

=== ''Episode Four: A Tennis Star'' ===
''After a trip abroad, Charles has given Archie a present: a pink luminous [[w:Leaning Tower of Pisa|Leaning Tower of Pisa]] ashtray''
:'''Charles''': Well, I thought to myself, "What can I get for a Labour spin doctor?" And then I realised: a large piece of meretricious tat. Something eye-catching, but worthless.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Clive has nearly reached the end of his probationary period''
:'''Martin''': Doesn't time fly when you're cocking things up?
:'''Clive''': It has been something of a learning curve.
:'''Martin''': A learning curve. Ah yes, you don't feel it's been more of an arrow pointing downwards, do you?

=== ''Episode Five: Men'' ===
:'''Charles''': Martin, when a potential new client comes to this office, you do not stand behind him with a sign saying "Loony Warning".
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Somebody did ring. I got all the way to the phone. Then I suddenly realised I couldn't be arsed.

== Television Series 1 (2003)==
=== ''Episode One: History Man'' ===
:'''Charles''': Nigel, are you familiar with your arse? Because your wife has just saved it. Now get us a drink.

=== ''Episode Two: Pope Idol'' ===
:'''Charles''': Well, if you want loyalty, buy a dog.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Alison Jackman''': Do you have any ethics at all?.
:'''Charles''': Now there's a theological question.
:'''Alison''': Surely one agency can’t possibly represent two people going for the same job. There must be rules about this sort of thing. Like, I don’t know, estate agents not acting for buyer and seller.
:'''Charles''': Not only can you represent the buyer and the seller, but you can steal all the light bulbs, pee in the sink and then go and live in the house after they’ve bought it. PR means never having to say you’re wrong. But…at the risk of sounding like your Uncle Albert, this is our little secret, alright?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Julia Stour (editor of the Daily News)''': It's a tabloid; three words is virtually ''[[w:War and Peace|War and Peace]]''.

=== ''Episode Three: Tory Woman'' ===
:'''Charles''': ''[Referring to a name on adultery suspect list]'' She's been dead for five years.
:'''Alison''': I thought she went to live in Portugal.
:'''Charles''': A not dissimilar experience.

=== ''Episode Four: Mr Fox'' ===
:'''Charles''': I think this calls for the Ethiopian strategy.
:'''Martin''': Which is?
:'''Charles''': If you're hungry, go on television and appeal.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin: ''' A sound gun on a windy night fails to distinguish between two words that fall similarly on the ear. Could it be that the minister is in fact saying, "What's a boy to do to get a ''fox'' round here?"

=== ''Episode Five: Country Life'' ===
:'''Lord Harcourt:''' Now, one of you I've met before, and the other one has the brains. Which is which? ''[to Charles]'' I think you must be Jimmy.
:'''Charles:''' Er, Charles, sir. A bit like Jimmy, but all the letters are different.
:'''Lord Harcourt:''' What? You'll have to speak up; I've got aids in both ears.
:'''Charles:''' I said...you've got what?!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles:''' Martin, you made this bed. Prepare to eat it!

=== ''Episode Six: Crash and Burn'' ===

== Radio Series 4 (2004)==
=== ''Episode One: The BBC'' ===
:'''Charles''': There's nothing even Prentiss-McCabe can teach this Prime Minister about deception. Except how to do it properly, I suppose.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Martin''': Charles, does it occur to you that Archie must have been promoted?
:'''Charles''': What?
:'''Martin''': Well, somebody must have replaced their media supremo, whatever his name was...[[w:Alastair Campbell|Alas-it's-a Shambles]].

=== ''Episode Two: The Notion of Nation'' ===
''Clive has been commissioned to give some tabloid appeal to the annual [[w:The Boat Race|University Boat Race]]''
:'''Charles''': Clive, what in the name of aquatic insanity possessed you to introduce a shoal of piranha between Putney and Mortlake?!
<hr width="50%"/>
''Martin is bored with signing copies of his book''
:'''Publisher''': The thing is: you haven't signed all of them in your own name. A woman came up to me last night. She'd wanted you to sign a copy for her sister, and you'd written: "Yours in sport, the Dalai Lama". And then there was that poor woman in Yeovil, the one whose book you signed: "All the best, Buffy the Vampire Slayer".

=== ''Episode Three: Healthy Eating'' ===
''Apparently, the Prime Minister is a fitness fanatic''
:'''Archie''': He's got his own gym in Number 10. He's always up there.
:'''Charles''': Except when he's clutching his chest and falling over.
<hr width="50%"/>
''Clive has been left in charge of the healthy eating campaign''
:'''Archie''': What's this?
:'''Clive''': Well, there is a term of abuse which is sometimes applied to a person who's overweight.
:'''Archie''': I'm familiar with the term. I've just never seen one made out of actual lard before.

=== ''Episode Four: US Presidential Campaign'' ===
:'''Alexandra''': It is imperative that the President is re-elected. The future of the free world depends upon it.
:'''Charles''': ''(scornfully)'' No, it doesn't!
:'''Alexandra''': OK, my job depends upon it.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': You know, it's one of the great regrets of my life that I was too young for [[w:Watergate scandal|Watergate]].
:'''Archie''': Watergate was a monumental cock-up, Charles.
:'''Charles''': Only because I wasn't there.

== Television Series 2 (2005) ==
=== ''Episode One: The Nation's Favourite'' ===
:'''Charles''': Lionel Blackmore could start a punch-up in a room full of nuns.

=== ''Episode Two: The Trial'' ===
:'''Martin''': Charles, Helena is costing us precisely ₤535.68 an hour before VAT. I think the least we can do is to pay attention!
:'''Charles''': Oh, I'm sorry, Helena. I didn't realise QCs needed people to ''listen'' in order for them to talk.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': ''[To Alison]'' Look, if you’re going to speak too, you’re going to make this take a lot longer.

=== ''Episode Three: Blood Bank'' ===
:'''Charles''': Humour, where would we be without it? In Germany, probably.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles:''' At Prentiss-McCabe we care deeply about the little people. Unless they get in our way; then we hurt them.

=== ''Episode Four: Identity Crisis'' ===
:''What sort of character would oppose the introduction of ID cards?''
:'''Jamie''': Mustapha Allawallah, suicide bomber.
:'''Nick''': Fingers Ratner, housebreaker.
:'''Jamie''': Seamus O'Anus, Irish terrorist.
:'''Cat''': Uncle Fumble, paedophile.
:'''Jamie''': Johnny Junk-Bum, drug smuggler.
:'''Alison''': Mr Asylum Seeker. The asylum seeker.
:'''Charles''': Yes, we might want to brainstorm that name a bit.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': Television is not for watching; it's for being on.

=== ''Episode Five: Spinning America'' ===
:'''Charles''': It'd be so much easier if politics were like software: they could just call it Bollocks 1, Bollocks 1.1, Bollocks XP Home Edition...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': I love the smell of a career burning in the morning.

=== ''Episode Six: The House of Lords'' ===
:'''Charles''': Besides, Priestley’s new office is so far away from the centre of power that if Number Ten got nuked, he’d merely looked tanned.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles''': ''[To job applicant]'' Well, thank you for coming in and being so time-consuming.

== Cast ==

* [[w:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]] - Charles Prentiss
* [[w:John Bird|John Bird]] - Martin McCabe

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Absolute Power (series)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0386149|title=Absolute Power}}
* {{Tv.com show|id=22699|title=Absolute Power}}
* [http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/guide/articles/a/absolutepower_999031110.shtml BBC Comedy Guide page]

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Radio shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]

Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

2014-03-13T18:32:32Z

YKWSG: /* Ugly Babies [1.6] */

{{tv-stub}}

'''''[[w:Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps|Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps]]''''' is a comedy produced by [[w:BBC|the BBC]].

==Series One (2001)==
===''Fags, Shags and Kebabs'' [1.1]===
:'''Donna''': No, I'm fine with porn - what I'm not fine with is enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Janet''': I got into his head. It's amazing what a bit of male psychological manipulation can do. And getting my baps out on the first date didn't do any harm either.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': ''(Waking up)'' Rock me, Amadeus.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': I am the master of cunning.

===''Spunk'' [1.2]===

:'''Donna''': ''[to Gaz]'' There is to be no dumping. I just think you've got a nice body and I'd like to bounce around on top of it occasionally. None of this boyfriendy girlfriendy stuff.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Flo''': Don't be late, I'm making take-away for tea!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Gaz''': I'm laying down the seeds for my reign of power over Donna. See, the more I don't phone her the more desperate and insecure she becomes, soon she will surrender to my constant demand for sexual gratification.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': ''(In the pub, holding a steak and kidney pie)'' Who invented the pie? I mean what a genius. 'Cause you've got the subtle flavour of the steak, mixed with the texture of the finest kidney, and all that against the magnificent backdrop of the crumbly buttery pastry. If that man was here now I'd shake his hand.

:'''Jonny''': I'd kiss him.

:'''Gaz''': You big poof!

===''Bone With the Wind'' [1.3]===

:'''Louise''': I need to know if he fancies me, because quite frankly my late-night Sting fantasies are wearing a bit thin; it's always the same plot.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': Women don't cheat on me. I'm just so pretty.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': Why are we sitting here while our women are sucking the fat out of someone else's sausage?!
<hr width=50%>

===''Angry Wangry'' [1.4]===

:'''Jonny''': My brain is only strong enough to stop me from farting in front of you.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Flo''': Your girlfriend's mother is the biggest taboo of all.
<hr width=50%>

===''Lard'' [1.5]===

:'''Gaz''': I need a sort of chunky woman, you know, who brings me sandwiches and puts Matey in me bath.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': You taste of lard!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Janet''': "Louise, you have the morals of a magpie who haunts the same gene pool as Adolf Hitler and Anthea Turner"
''
===''Ugly Babies'' [1.6]===

:'''Jonny''': I thought you kept the alcohol level in your blood too high to conceive.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Louise''': You've never practiced safe sex in your life. You've picked up more dirt than a JCB in your time.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Louise''': Don't you know how much babies cost? More than a Peugeot!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': We got our women pregnant at the same time. We've got telepathic testicles.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': My daughter will want for nothing. She'll have dollies-a-plenty. And bears but no clowns, they scare me. And on a perfect summer's eve, when the sun dances like... Michael Flatley... after our dinner of spaghetti hoops, we shall run like Billy-ho himself, down to a sea so calm it would make Des Lynam look like a big, scary wolfman. She will be the most cherished little girl in the whole world. My little Ferrari.
:'''Janet''': Jonny, I'm not Pregnant.
:'''Jonny''': Thank fuck for that!

<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': Pissing outside is one of life's greatest pleasures.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': Well what? Is it me? Do I repulse you? Look, I can stop yelling, "Tina Arena you will be mine" at the moment of climax.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Gaz''': What is a hulk anyway?
:'''Jonny''': I’m not sure. I think it’s a cross between hunk and bulk. Of course, you can’t have The Incredible Hunk, 'cos that just sounds like gay porn.
:'''Gaz''': Yeah, and you can’t have The Incredible Bulk...'cos that just sounds like gay porn.

==Series Two (2002)==
===''On the Blob'' [2.1]===
:'''Gaz''': ''[to Donna]'' I've never asked you this before and it seems a bit stupid since we've been shagging each other's brains out for the last month but… would you like to go for a drink sometime?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Flo''': They may have a sneeze guard but it's no match for embryotic fluid!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Donna''': Now, let me think. When did I last see my own clout?

===''Bungle'' [2.2]===
:'''Flo''': You two should never talk. You've got one of them relationships based on lust and you must never lose that.
<hr width=50%>

===''Dirty Girls'' [2.3]===

:'''Flo''': Apparently it’s illegal to advertise yourself in phone boxes. Ask me why, I don’t know. British Telecom do it.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Janet''': We have some spare va va voom in the kitchen if you want to borrow it.
<hr width=50%>

===''Vomit'' [2.4]===

:'''Gaz''': Donna, you look... beautiful; would you like to be my pop tart and live in my toaster of love?
<hr width=50%>

===''Crusty Curtains'' [2.5]===

:'''Gaz''': There's no such thing as a perfect couple. Well, except Chris Evans and Billie. Sat there getting pissed with an 18-year-old every day. How perfect is that?
<hr width=50%>

===''Mo Mo and Pigsy'' [2.6]===

:'''Gaz''': ''[motivating himself]'' You are Gaz Wilkinson. A beast of a man. You are strong. You are confident. You are Gaz Wilkinson. And girls want to touch you.

==Series Three (2003)==
===''Munch'' [3.1]===
:'''Gaz''': ''[About Munch]'' He's a complete yoghurt!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Munch''': I wasn't watching. I was listening, with my eyes.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Munch''': I stole it, Munch Magic!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Jonny''': Limp-wristed sexual innuendo that should have been marched to the gallows with the Carry On films.

===''Fish'' [3.2]===
:'''Gaz''': I am your prince and I shall awaken you with my mighty sword.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Donna''': You're scared of sheep?! That's stupid; they can't hurt you.
:'''Gaz''': That's what they want you to think!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Gaz''': You didn't know I was afraid of sheep; I didn't know you were afraid of sex.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Jonny''': I don't want to be standing by the altar with you an iron lung coughing blood and phlegm at me!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Louise''': ''[sniffing the card her secret admirer sent her]'' Who do I know who smells of paper?

===''Kangaroo'' [3.3]===

:'''Jonny''': She's a funny one is Janet, she'll do anything, things that even I find disgusting. She does things with a cucumber you wouldn't believe.
:'''Gaz''': Oh yeah, like what?
:'''Jonny''': This one time, I walked into the bedroom and she was lying on the bed with with cucumber slices on her eyes and mud on her face, she's pure dirt!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Jonny''': I can do anything, like a panda.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Louise''': I will neither play or be playant of the games and or gaming tactics employed by both sexes in accordance with the laws set by herself, Mother Nature.

===''Beastiality'' [3.4]===
:'''Munch''':They can't do you for it once you've robbed it. It's called Double Geoffrey.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Janet''': You're gonna marry me whether you like it or not and it's gonna be friggin' marvellous, okay?!
:'''Jonny''': You know, I think my proposal was better. Yours was just rude.

===''Hospikal'' [3.5]===

===''Dresses Dresses Dresses'' [3.6]===
:'''Gaz''': ''[to Donna, who is asleep]'' ''[In New York accent]'' Wake up and smell the caw-fee!
:'''Donna''': oh, Gaz, I was having the best dream ever then.
:'''Gaz''': Was it about me, the Sugababes and loads of coal?
:'''Donna''': No, I dreamt I was asleep.
:'''Gaz''': Yeah, and?
:'''Donna''': Yeah, that was it, I was asleep, and then this stupid monkey came in and said ''[in New York accent]'' "Wake up and smell the caw-fee!"
<hr width=50%>
:'''Louise''': ''[to David, when he tells her to do some T'ai Chi with him]'' Ok, but don't expect me to join your cult.
:'''David''': ...it's not a cult.
:'''Louise''': That's what the Britannia Music Club said.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Jonny''': ''[to Janet, about her excitement about her dress]'' You don't see me and Gaz jumping around going "ooh, Look at my fancy new pants! They cost me a month's wages and I'm never wearing them again, hooray!"
<hr width=50%>
:'''Jonny''': Well, I know Gaz wouldn't pay a fortune for something that he could only use once and think it was great.
:'''Janet''': What about when he lost his virginity to Dirty Lil?
:'''Jonny''': That wasn't a month's wages, it was two cans of White Lightning.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Jonny''': All I'm saying is if you pay a bomb for something, it needs to be used and used and used again until it breaks. Like Gareth Gates.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Jonny''': Janet, look at me. I'm a lost and lonely man, And I'm all alone in a- sea of nothing, with, with like, nothingness all around me, like a big lonely tyre.
:'''Janet''': Look, here's twenty quid--
:'''Jonny''': ''[Snatching the note]'' --off you pop!
:''[Janet leaves, Jonny picks up the phone.]''
:'''Jonny''': Gaz, pub!
:''[Transition shows Donna and Louise meet up]''
:'''Donna and Louise''': Dresses, Dresses, Dresses!
:''[Transition then shows Gaz running out of his flat]''
:'''Gaz''': Pub, Pub, Pub, Pub!
<hr width=50%>
:''[Inside the Wedding dress shop, Louise enters in Janet's chosen wedding dress]''
:'''Donna''': ''[Gasp]'' You look like a sweet!
:'''Louise''': ...a sweet what?
:'''Donna''': No, just a sweet, like a Campino, or a truffle. Better than that, you look like a toilet roll cover!
:'''Louise''': Thank you!
:'''Janet''': That's a wedding dress...
:'''Louise''': Janet, we're in a ''wedding dress'' shop, what do you expect me to be wearing? The Turin Shroud?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Donna''': Well, why don't we ''[Louise and Donna]'' try a dress on each for fun, and then you can dress us however you like, like lobsters, or like Pig-women if need be.
:'''Louise''': I'm not dressing like pig-woman. She was my ''least'' favourite Spice Girl.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Donna''': ''[Singing to the tune of the wedding march, holding Louise's dress train]'' Bah-rum-da-dah Bah-rum-da-dah Look at Louise in the lovely, lovely dress
:'''Louise''': You have to sing at the wedding now!
:'''Donna''': Oh, can I Janet?
:'''Janet''': Stop it.
:'''Donna''': There's more.
:''[Singing again]''
:'''Donna''': Check out the dress The dress is great I think I should try one on... round about now
<hr width=50%>
:''[Gaz is motivating Jonny to carry the large keg of "beer" as he can't carry it himself.]''
:'''Jonny''': It's bloody heavy! Have you never carried 40 pints?
:'''Gaz''': Well, only in my bladder.
:'''Jonny''': You take it the rest of the way.
:'''Gaz''': I would but...
:'''Jonny''': But what?
:'''Gaz''': Well, I've...I've broke me arm ''[sic]''
:''[Jonny looks at him skeptically]''
:'''Gaz''': Well, it's not broke, it's...
:'''Jonny''': Well, use your other arm!
:'''Gaz''': No way!
:'''Jonny''': Why not?
:'''Gaz''': 'Cos it's the arm I use for pleasuring myself... and others.
:'''Gaz''': Hey, I'll coach you, eh? ... Come on!
:'''Jonny''': Christ. I'm only taking it as far as the garage.
:'''Gaz''': ''[Drill Sergeant Style]'' Carrying beer's what Jon does best, hoo! hoo! His keg's bigger than all the rest...
:'''Jonny''': You twat.
:'''Gaz''': ''[resuming his Drill Sergeant's chant]'' He may or may not be wearing a vest...
:'''Jonny''': Oh, my God.
:'''Gaz''':And now I'm going to think of Jo Guest, Jo Guest, one, two, Big Breasts, Three-four!
<hr width=50%>
:''[Janet is in the wedding shop, trying to preoccupy Louise and Donna so she can find her dress. She calls Donna and Louise over.]''
:''[She shows Donna a tartan dress]''
:'''Donna''': I didn't know you were Scottish.
:'''Janet''': Um... well, Jonny is. Or his Dad is. He is um... Jonny McCloud of the Clan McCloud...
:'''Donna''': Yeah, that was "Highlander".
:'''Janet''': Anyway, look, I thout it would be really nice for him to see his family's tartan on his wedding day, so, there you go!
:'''Louise''': But there's only one dress.
:'''Janet''': In that case, Louise, you can try this on.
:''[Janet shows Louise a vivid Green dress]''
:'''Louise''': Um... but this isn't Tartan, we won't match.
:'''Janet''': No, no, that dress has been um... chosen to represent Jonny's love of... green stuff.
:'''Donna''': Yeah, but, um, Janet?
:'''Janet''': Yeah?
:'''Donna''': ...These dresses ming.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Donna and Louise come out in their dresses.]''
...
:'''Donna''': ''[reg. Janet]'' She's mad! What's her first dance going to be? "Agadoo?"
:'''Louise''': No, she'll choose something about Jonny, like "Johnny B Goode" or "Jilted John".
:'''Donna''': Ooh, that's clever!
:'''Louise''': ...Or "Jonny Put Your Shoes Back On, You're Making Me Retch."
:'''Donna''': No, I don't know that one.
:'''Louise''': It's the one I hum to myself whenever I see him.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Donna''': Do you think we should tell Janet we hate the dresses?
:'''Louise''': Um... she's nearly broken me ''twice'' this year, merely by looking at me funny.
:'''Donna''': Looking at your what?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Bridal Woman''': ''[Grabbing Janet in her dress around the waist and breasts]'' That dress is just womanliness gone mad!
:'''Janet''': Are you sure you're on commission, and not just coming onto me?
:'''Bridal Woman''': You are stunning...
<hr width=50%>
:''[Gaz is about to open the keg of ''beer'']''
:'''Gaz''': Right, I'm gonna shove it in the hole, you catch what squirts out.
:'''Jonny''': Don't use language like that, not in a male environment.
:'''Gaz''': Jonny, d'you want some beer, or d'you want a big, fat smack?
:'''Jonny''': ''[Sarcastically, in a 'Gay' voice]'' Well, it depends what you're gonna smack me with.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Gaz and Jonny have just opened a keg of "beer"]''
:'''Gaz''': Whoa, blue beer! Maybe we're the first ones to see this, we've come across a secret formula
:'''Jonny''': ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
:'''Gaz''': No it can't be...it's a new type of beer this Jon, woo-hoo.
:'''Jonny''': Well, drink it then!
:'''Gaz''': Alright, I will!
:''[Gaz drinks the "blue beer" excitedly]''
:'''Gaz''': It's absolutely delicious!
:'''Jonny''': Honest? Honest, is that beer? They must put the brown in afterwards!
:''[Jonny drinks the blue beer]''
:'''Jonny''': ''[after a beat]'' ...It's barrel wash, Gaz.
:'''Gaz''': I know, I thought we should die together.
:'''Jonny''': We probably need an antidote round about now.
:'''Gaz''': ...Shall we get a pint, then?

===''Fockin Mokky Bokk''a [3.7]===
:'''Donna''': ''[About the noisy scouser neighbours who kept them up all night]'' Four o'clock in the morning...
:'''Gaz''': I know...
:'''Donna''': And... then they start shagging.
:'''Gaz''': Yeah, You can't begrudge 'em that, it's every man's right.
:'''Donna''': Yeah, Gaz, it's every man's right to have sex, it's ''not'' everyone's right to go... [In high-pitched Liverpool accent] "BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY Oh, ta, that was sound, let's 'ave more Coke... BABY BABY BABY BABY..."
<hr width=50%>

===''Jammy Dodgers'' [3.8]===
:'''Louise''': I dreamt about a princess who was given a box of diamonds by a handsome prince one day and the next day he gave her a bag of spit that he'd sucked out of a cow - What do you think it means?

===''Dump'' [3.9]===

===''Schluballybub'' [3.10]===

==Musical Special (2003)==

===When Janet Met Jonny''===

'''''[During the “Find My Casanova” song with Donna, Janet and Louise]'''''

:'''Donna''': Hot pants from Tesco’s

:'''All''': mmm, mmm, mmm

:'''Donna''': That’s where we get our bestest clothes

:'''All''': yeah, yeah, yeah
<hr width=50%>

:'''Louise''': I can get us in the place cause all the bouncers know my face.
<hr width=50%>

'''''[During the “We Need Some Slags” song with Gaz and Jonny]'''''

:'''Jonny''': But I’m not comin’ out , I’m stayin’ here.
''[Jonny pulls out a megaphone]''
:'''Jonny''': And get really, wobbly on beer.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': Just try a little brute for men, oh no it all got drank.
:'''Gaz''': We all need a bosom, for a pillow or tit wank.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': I've no need for a woman , when I’ve got my left hand.
:'''Jonny''': Just a handy TUB of Vaseline and a picture of my gran.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': But I don’t want tarts. I want white lightning. there not my mummy. there rather frightening.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': I don’t need a girlfriend.
:'''Gaz''': Oh just come out and play.
:'''Jonny''': I’ll tell em that I’m too young.
:'''Gaz''': I’ll tell em that your gay
:'''Jonny''': ok ill come for one pint, but then I’ll go back home.
:'''Gaz''': nice one lad you wont regret it.
:'''Jonny''': but ill make sure I'm alone
<hr width=50%>
'''''[During the “Biscuit Rap” song with Jonny and Gaz]'''''

:'''Jonny''': Cos you could keep any bitch like I'm a rich tea
:'''Gaz''': Which tea?
:'''Jonny''': I tell you I'm a Junkie, a flunkie, Cruising my ass with an Oreo, Don't need a ho. Got my Garibaldi, not Barlow, he's gone now. I need a Kit Kat, When the rhyme's fat, With the beat I can't cheat, Can a biscuit cheat like a mother? HELL NO!
:'''Gaz''': But Johnny don't you know? Ohh-ohh
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': Don't be fooled when you dip'em in your tea, They're not, they're not gonna make you happy,
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': I aint gonna go and have a roll in the hay, No way, I'll have a fig roll, Ya dig bro? Don't wanna go out having fun, I stay at one with the borbon, A hob nob, that's the only dog I'm dipping, I ain't flippin, wanna cookie? You be tripping. The ho's say 'try my choc chip treats.' That ain't sweet, I ain't no piece of meat, I want wafer, You been away for a night, With a she-dog, You want a biscuit, BUT DOG DONT GOT NONE, NO!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': Can you see the philosophy, Of the desire, That these biscuits, They can cause in me? And my soul will ever be entwined, With the hole left, When a mother, however fine, Tries to share my life, With my biccy time.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny''': I got my lovely, crunchy biscuits, Hell I'll say it once more in case you missed it, I ain't dunking no girl like a biscuit, Never gonna change so don't try to twist it.
Yeah!
<hr width=50%>

==Series Four (2004)==

===Corinthian Dies [4.1]===
<hr width=50%>

===Piggy Goes Oink [4.2]===
<hr width=50%>

===My Delicious Guava [4.3]===
<hr width=50%>

===Cuggles [4.4]===
<hr width=50%>

===Purgatory [4.5]===
<hr width=50%>

===Mate Date [4.6]===
<hr width=50%>

===Homeless and Horny [4.7]===
<hr width=50%>

===Filthy Brunching [4.8]===
:'''Donna''': ''(Giving Janet advice on her sex life)'' Try doing something Kate never did for him
:'''Janet''': Ooh... well I do have an incredibly flexible twat.

==Series Five (2005)==

===Dead [5.1]===
<hr width=50%>

===Nobbly Bobbly [5.2]===
<hr width=50%>

===Shrink [5.3]===
<hr width=50%>

===Ecuador [5.4]===
<hr width=50%>

===Potato People [5.5]===
<hr width=50%>

=== Antlers [5.6]===
<hr width=50%>

===Crab [5.7]===
<hr width=50%>

Jonny: Aww...your kebab juice only makes me love you more...interestingly not the first time I've used that sentence.

:'''Donna:''' My darling husband-to-be. Ever since you, shagged my best friend and got her up the duff... I can think of no better way I'd rather spend my life than with a BASTARD like you. What we had, you took a shit on then stamped on and did another shit on, and gave me your shoes. And for that I THANK you my dear husband. For I feel we can unite as people who HATE Gaz Wilkinson, that MAN Gaz Wilkinson who owns a HANSON album, that MAN Gaz Wilkinson who is RUBBISH in bed! That man Gaz Wilkinson who has a birthmark in the shape of another man's penis, directly over his bumhole....

===Fat [5.8]===
:'''Donna:''' Surely masturbation must burn up some calories.
:'''Gaz:''' Well, when you first left, I just couldn't be bothered. Now, I just can't reach.

===Stot or Pronk [5.9]===
<hr width=50%>

Gaz: (after pulling off Donna's fake lips) "Donna, Donna, Donna... You knob head"

===Who’s the Daddy? [5.10]===
:''Labour''
:'''Janet''': Oh my God, it's like somebody opening an umbrella on my arse!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Janet:''' How the hell does a baby's head come out of something so small?
:'''Jonny:''' Small? You think a lot of yourself, don't you?

===Bababababa [5.11]===
<hr width=50%>

===God [5.12]===
<hr width=50%>

===Love 83199 [5.13]===
<hr width=50%>

===Near, Far [5.14]===
<hr width=50%>

==Series Six (2006)==

===Speedycruise! [6.1]===
<hr width=50%>

===Goblins [6.2]===
<hr width=50%>

===Mummy Cupboard [6.3]===
<hr width=50%>

Donna: (Acting like a bloke) "I'll tell yae what yae need! Yae shut yaer chuffin mooth until yae spoken tae or I'll twat yae into next week!"

===Cauliflower [6.4]===
<hr width=50%>
'''Louise''': "Daddy, daddy tell me!" 
'''Brian''': "Alright! Because I'm a poof and a piss head and I bid you good bye."
<hr width=50%>

Gaz: (Gaz has asked Donna to marry him and she has refused) "Donna listen, I'm gonna make you say 'yes' 'cause I love you, and I know for as long as I live I never want another woman... except on my stag night and on holiday. Or when you're pregnant or ill. Or when the painters are in... or when you're on you're period. That's it."

===Shaving Ryans Privates[6.5]===
<hr width=50%>

===Croppity Crops [6.6]===
<hr width=50%>

===Finger Sniffing [6.7]===
:''Gaz has explained to Jonny that he cannot be Corinthian's father''
:'''Jonny:''' Gaz, I don't know what to say...other than...'AVE IT!
:'''Gaz:''' What?
:'''Jonny:''' You big jaffa! Who's the daddy? Who is the daddy?...IT'S ME!
:'''Gaz:''' Jonny!
:'''Jonny:''' Take that, Janet! Take my superior load! Oh, yeah! Come on, Corinthian, we're going home. ''[to Gaz]'' Suck my fully-functioning balls!
:'''Gaz:''' ''[despondently]'' See you, Bruce.
:'''Jonny:''' Oh, yeah, and here's your T-shirt back. ''[exit]''
:'''Gaz:''' ''[looks at the shrunken T-shirt]'' You boil-washed it!!

===War, Hurrgh! [6.8]===

:'''Louise''': You must know all about prostitution, Donna, what with your mum being a whore.
:'''Donna''': My mum wasn't a whore, she just had sex with men...for...money...
<hr width=50%>

:'''Donna''': I didn't apply to be the bar manager of Nazi Germany!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Inspector''': We don't inspect brothels! ''[pause]'' More's the pity...
<hr width=50%>

:'''Louise''': ''[to inspector]'' Hello, sailor! Fancy some fun? By fun I mean sex for money.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Inspector''': So, Mrs Keogh, can you give me any reason that I shouldn't shut this place down?
:''[camera centres on Janet and the EastEnders theme tune plays]''
<hr width=50%>

===Closing Time [6.9]===

:'''Janet''': Don't shout at me.... in American!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Dion''': ''[repeated line]'' Suck my fat, hairy cock!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Gaz''': I'm not scared of the pigs....Just don't call the sheep, alright?
<hr width=50%>

:'''Donna''': ''[ref. to Gaz]'' Oi, he's got balls!...they just don't work properly .....
<hr width=50%>

:'''Jonny:''' ''(explaining that he wants to be his friend)'' No, Janet explained it all to me. There's nothing more beautiful than the love between a man and another man.
:'''Gaz:''' No, There's nothing more beautiful than the love between a man, a man, a man, another man and a very dirty woman.

===When Janet Killed Jonny [6.10]===
<hr width=50%>

Jonny: "Here's Jonny"

==Series 7==

===When Jonny Met Sharky [7.1]===
<hr width=50%>
'''Gaz''': ''[Thinking of something exciting]'' I know, I'll set fire to me knob! .... no.....no not again.

louise ' I've often had a can of Dr Pepper removed from my anus'

===Dabdaa! [7.2]===
<hr width=50%>

===Homophobia is Gay [7.3]===
<hr width=50%>

===Dead Jonny Talking [7.4]===
<hr width=50%>

===Here Bums the Bride [7.5]===
<hr width=50%>

===Six Months Later [7.6]===
<hr width=50%>--[[Special:Contributions/5.150.102.153|5.150.102.153]] 11:35, 13 November 2013 (UTC)--[[Special:Contributions/5.150.102.153|5.150.102.153]] 11:35, 13 November 2013 (UTC)--[[Special:Contributions/5.150.102.153|5.150.102.153]] 11:35, 13 November 2013 (UTC)--[[Special:Contributions/5.150.102.153|5.150.102.153]] 11:35, 13 November 2013 (UTC)--[[Special:Contributions/5.150.102.153|5.150.102.153]] 11:35, 13 November 2013 (UTC) bellend

===African Death Face [7.7]===
<hr width=50%>

(Louise after having baby)'Ha, Louise Brooks, back in a size 6, fuck you Posh, you fat slag!!

==Unsourced==

:'''Jonny''': We're known as Gyppo Jonny and his pikey wifey!
<hr width=50%>

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

*{{imdb title|id=0278251|title=Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps}}
*{{Tv.com show|id=5711|title=Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]

Green Wing (series 2)

2014-03-13T14:15:33Z

YKWSG: /* Series 2 */

:''For series 1 quotes, see [[Green Wing (series 1)]].''
:''For the Special quotes, see [[Green Wing Special]].''

'''''[[w:Green Wing|Green Wing]]''''' (2004 – 2007) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The second series was shown between 31 March and and 19 May 2006. The DVD of the second series is set to be released on 2 October time, with the Christmas Special coming out seperate. Also, this contains [[w:The Secret Policeman's Ball (2006)|The Secret Policeman's Ball]] Sketch.

__TOC__

== Series 2 ==

=== Episode 1 [2.1] ===
:''[Guy has brought a kitten in Mac’s room. He then takes out a gun and points it at the kitten.]''
:'''[[w:Guy Secretan|Guy]]''': Wake up, or the kitty gets it. ''[Pause, followed by the kitten meowing quietly, then he talks to the kitten.]'' You said it would work.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''[[w:Caroline Todd|Caroline]]''': Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?
:'''Guy''': It was a replica.
:'''Caroline''': ''[Gasps]'' You brought in a replica cat?
:'''Guy''': ''[slowly]'' A replica gun.
:'''Caroline''': You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?
:'''Guy''': Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Martin is puzzled about Guy's choice of lunch''
:'''Martin''': You don't like curry.
:'''Guy''': No. Ah, not usually, no. But it's [[w:Ramadan|Ramadan]]! ''[waves the curry under the noses of two nurses]'' A time for fasting. Yum yum yum! Smells so good!
:'''Nurse''': We're Hindu, you nipple!

=== Episode 2 [2.2] ===

:'''[[w:Angela Hunter|Angela]]''': Just tell him what happened.
:'''Caroline''': He might not believe me. I’ve got no witnesses.
:'''Angela''': Well, if he knows his minds gone a bit…blurrg…so just tell him.
:'''Caroline''': Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi Mac, I’m er, I’m Caroline. You know, the one you found a bit irritating at first, but then er…well, the thing is you really, really liked me and now we’re kind of a couple. So, there you go, I’ve filled in all the gaps, let’s go to bed.
:'''Angela''': Well, maybe in not so many words.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[At an internal tribunal.]''
:'''Charles''': Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?
:'''Guy''': Err…I don’t think so?
:'''[[w:Sue White|Sue]]''': What’s the magic word?
:'''Guy''': Abracadabra?
:'''Charles''': How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?
:'''Guy''': You want a tip? Is that ethical?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Caroline''': Look, we’re all back!
:'''[[w:Mac (Green Wing)|Mac]]''': Yeah, but I don’t really remember who you are?
:'''Guy''': Well, as long you remember in what order to put the organs back in in.
:'''Mac''': What an odd thing to say say. ''[Mac has a scalpel in his hand, and starts waving it around.]'' A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
:'''Caroline''': Yeah, I’m actually a little bit worried now.
:'''Mac''': Wuss.
:'''Guy''': Oooh…no! Not like that! Don’t hold it like that. Oh my God, the man’s a butcher. Be careful with that bit, that’s the bit they need to…eat asparagus. They won’t be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Guy and Mac’s top five qualities in a woman, to Caroline.]''
:'''Guy''': Five qualities, that’s easy. Number one, bendy.
:'''Mac''': Unpredictable.
:'''Guy''': Number two, shaved.
:'''Mac''': Must appreciate the genius of the Kinks.
:'''Guy''': Number three, slightly anorexic.
:'''Mac''': Thoughtful eyes.
:'''Guy''': Four, about sort of 5% lesbian.
:'''Mac''': Should be in touch with her masculine side.
:'''Guy''': And finally, mustn’t be too smelly in the cellar.
:'''Mac''': Compassionate.
:'''Guy''': ''[Disgusted]'' Ugh…So what you’ve come up with is an unpredictable, yet compassionate, slightly masculine, Kinks fan... with eyes?
:'''Mac''': I know. It’s an impossible dream.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 3 [2.3] ===

:''[Harriet rushes into the office.]''
:'''[[w:Harriet Schulenburg|Harriet]]''': Oh, sorry I’m late. The kids.
:'''[[w:Kim Alabaster|Kim]]''': Took forever to get ready?
:'''Harriet''': Yeah, and the traffic.
:'''[[w:Naughty Rachel|Rachel]]''': Terrible?
:'''Harriet''': Wasn’t it. "Then I had to stop off at… ''[She opens her bag, and a cat comes out of it.]'' Oh. Well who did I leave at the vets then?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Caroline''': I’m just saying it’s a male dominated workplace.
:'''Guy''': Bollocks!
:'''Caroline''': I’ve got a few other points you can prove for me if you like.
:'''Guy''': It’s not male dominated, they’re bloody women everywhere.
:'''Mac''': Hmm…crunching underfoot everywhere they walk.
:'''Guy''': Yeah. Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have. It’s pointless. Really hurts.
:'''Caroline''': Wow, it’s like working with Germaine Greer.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''[[w:Joanna Clore|Joanna]]''': Right, what have we got? Anything?
:'''Kim''': Oh wait, there’s a complaints file.
:'''Joanna''': I knew it! ''[They open the file. A pop-up paper set of flowers comes up from the file. Both scream at the sight.]'' Oh damn, she’s good.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Sue''': Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the others were rhetorical.
:'''Angela''': This is the chance of a lifetime. If it doesn’t happen now, it may never happen!
:'''Sue''': Are we still on the rim thing?

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Mac enters the gents'.]''
:'''[[w:Martin Dear|Martin]]''': ''[O. O. V.]'' Hi Mac.
:''[Mac turns]''
:'''Mac''': OK, that is the worst "going to the toilet" I’ve ever seen.
:''[The camera moves to show Martin stuck to the wall with parcel tape.]''
:'''Martin''': Yeah, Guy said he’d be phoning the gays.
:'''Mac''': Which gays?
:'''Martin''': Well, all of them.
:'''Mac''': The thing you have to understand about the gays, is that they're probably more scared of you, than you are of them.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 4 [2.4] ===

:'''Guy''': ''[To Caroline]'' You’ve got paperclips stuck to your hand.
:'''Caroline''': Have I? ''[Caroline lifts up her left hand. There are paperclips stuck to it.]'' Oh, must be a full moon; my hand goes magnetic.

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Caroline''': Swiss mouth, shut!
<hr width=50%/>
''Caroline has reluctantly agreed to let Guy move into her spare room''
:'''Mac''': A [[w:clog (shoe)|sabot]], or sa-bot, was a kind of wooden clog worn by impoverished French workers, and as a protest against the [[w:Jacquard loom|Jacquard loom]]-- which they thought would take away their jobs-- they'd throw their sabots-- or wooden clogs-- into the delicate machinery to destroy its workings, from which we get the modern word ''sabotage''.
:'''Guy''': Yeah, alright. Now you've harshed my buzz, have you got a point?
:'''Mac''': Well, if your plan to move in with Caroline is, in any way, an attempt to sabotage our relationship, I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog.

=== Episode 5 [2.5] ===
:'''Guy''': Can you get a verruca on your penis?
:'''Caroline''': I can’t, can you?
:'''Mac''': Never tried, pretty good at most parlour games though.
:'''Guy''': A friend of mine fell knob first into a foot bath at a swimming pool, he was wondering, that’s all. I’m not interrupting anything am I?
:'''Mac''': Just the evolution of mankind.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 6 [2.6] ===
:'''Murrat''': You queen!
:'''Karen''': ''(embarrassed smile)'' No!
:'''Murrat''': Yes! ''(indicates her hair)'' [[w:Brian May|Brian May]]! [[w:Queen (band)|Queen]]!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Joanna''': You’ve kept notes! Tell me you haven’t written down what you’ve did to my cousin?
:'''Alan''': Not really.
:''[Joanna takes Alan’s notebook and reads it herself.]''
:'''Joanna''': “Damaged heron.” Somehow that’s worse.
:'''Alan''': Give it here.
:'''Joanna''': No, that’s going to the same place as my cousin.
:'''Alan''': Oh that’s terrific, where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas?
:'''Joanna''': On your knob end? You wouldn’t need a huge amount of space will you? Oh here’s a useful idea for you, don’t kill dwarfs with herons.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 7 [2.7] ===

:''[Sue is kissing the ventriloquist's dummy.]''
:'''Sue''': Live, damn you, live!
:'''Dummy''': Fuck off! Save yourself for Dr. Macartney.
:'''Sue''': Yeah, I know you're right, you're right; but, Mac and Holly...what are we going to do?
:'''Dummy''': Destroy her!
:'''Sue''': Yes, good, how?
:'''Dummy''': Leave it to me.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Alan''': Let’s have sex.
:'''Joanna''': We have to keep away from each other!
:'''Alan''': Let’s have sex separately.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Mac''': I think my son's hair is dyed.
:'''Martin''': Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see whether his collar and cuffs match?
:'''Mac''': Martin, he's four years old.
:'''Martin''': Yeah, I know.
:'''Mac''': But if it is dyed, do you see what that means? Do you see what that implies?
:'''Martin''': Means he's probably quite vain about his appearance? Oh my God! He's gay!

=== Episode 8 [2.8] ===

:'''Guy''': ''[As Caroline takes a towel and wipes the mirror without reading the message.]'' No!
:'''Caroline''': What?
:'''Guy''': You spoilt it.
:'''Caroline''': ''[Brushing her teeth]'' Spoilt what?
:'''Guy''': The mirror, I'd written in it.
:'''Caroline''': Really.
:'''Guy''': Yes.
:'''Caroline''': Wrote what?
:'''Guy''': It doesn’t matter now, but if you must know it was, 'I love you.'
:'''Caroline''': You bloody narcissist!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mac''': All I’m saying is that you’ll never be a one-woman man.
:'''Guy''': That’s rubbish, I am.
:'''Mac''': Are you?
:'''Guy''': Yeah.
:'''Mac''': What about that new blonde girl in ENT, nice or what?
:'''Guy''': Not interested.
:'''Mac''': Not interested?
:'''Guy''': No. No, I’ve changed.
:'''Mac''': Oh great. What about Graham in dermatology
:'''Guy''': Changed as in, “I think I’m ready for commitment.”
:'''Mac''': Fantastic. I’ll sign your commitment papers for you today.

<hr width=50%/>

== The Secret Policeman's Ball Sketch ==

:'''Mac''': You look a bit like a fairy.
:'''Guy''': ''[Points to Mac and Sue]'' Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. That's the introductions out of the way.
:'''Sue''': Really? Who's this, then? ''[Get up off the gurney and talks to the patient]'' Oh, no, you don't, little lady. Uh-huh. Think we might've met before. Come on, up you pop. Off your trolley!
:'''Guy''': ''[Points to Sue and the patient]'' Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.

<hr width=50%/>

== Misc quotes ==

:'''Joanna''': “Criminals always get caught in the end, don’t you watch TV?”

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Boyce''': ''[To Martin, after he denies he offered a ride on his motorbike to a prostitute.]'' "Well, there was someone straddling you mate, maybe you should check your rear-view mirrors more."

<hr width=50%/>

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0423661|title=Green Wing}}
*[http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/G/green_wing/ Green Wing "microsite"] at Channel4.com
*[http://www.sitcom.co.uk/green_wing/ British Sitcom Guide]
*[http://www.searingidolatry.co.uk/greenwing/ Green Wing Fansite]
*[http://www.kaiki.net/waxedowl/ Waxed Owl]
*[http://www.livejournal.com/community/___greenwing/ Green Wing LiveJournal Community]

{{Template:Green Wing}}
[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]

Green Wing (series 2)

2014-03-13T14:11:03Z

YKWSG: /* Episode 7 [2.7] */

:''For series 1 quotes, see [[Green Wing (series 1)]].''
:''For the Special quotes, see [[Green Wing Special]].''

'''''[[w:Green Wing|Green Wing]]''''' (2004 – 2007) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The second series was shown between 31 March and and 19 May 2006. The DVD of the second series is set to be released on 2 October time, with the Christmas Special coming out seperate. Also, this contains [[w:The Secret Policeman's Ball (2006)|The Secret Policeman's Ball]] Sketch.

__TOC__

== Series 2 ==

=== Episode 1 [2.1] ===
:''[Guy has brought a kitten in Mac’s room. He then takes out a gun and points it at the kitten.]''
:'''[[w:Guy Secretan|Guy]]''': Wake up, or the kitty gets it. ''[Pause, followed by the kitten meowing quietly, then he talks to the kitten.]'' You said it would work.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''[[w:Caroline Todd|Caroline]]''': Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?
:'''Guy''': It was a replica.
:'''Caroline''': ''[Gasps]'' "You brought in a replica cat?"
:'''Guy''': ''[slowly]'' A replica gun.
:'''Caroline''': You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?
:'''Guy''': Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Martin is puzzled about Guy's choice of lunch''
:'''Martin''': You don't like curry.
:'''Guy''': No. Ah, not usually, no. But it's [[w:Ramadan|Ramadan]]! ''[waves the curry under the noses of two nurses]'' A time for fasting. Yum yum yum! Smells so good!
:'''Nurse''': We're Hindu, you nipple!

=== Episode 2 [2.2] ===

:'''[[w:Angela Hunter|Angela]]''': Just tell him what happened.
:'''Caroline''': "He might not believe me. I’ve got no witnesses."
:'''Angela''': Well, if he knows his minds gone a bit…blurrg…so just tell him.
:'''Caroline''': Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi Mac, I’m er, I’m Caroline. You know, the one you found a bit irritating at first, but then er…well, the thing is you really, really liked me and now we’re kind of a couple. So, there you go, I’ve filled in all the gaps, let’s go to bed.
:'''Angela''': Well, maybe in not so many words.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[At an internal tribunal.]''
:'''Charles''': Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?
:'''Guy''': Err…I don’t think so?
:'''[[w:Sue White|Sue]]''': What’s the magic word?
:'''Guy''': Abracadabra?
:'''Charles''': How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?
:'''Guy''': You want a tip? Is that ethical?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Caroline''': Look, we’re all back!
:'''[[w:Mac (Green Wing)|Mac]]''': Yeah, but I don’t really remember who you are?
:'''Guy''': Well, as long you remember in what order to put the organs back in in.
:'''Mac''': What an odd thing to say say. ''[Mac has a scalpel in his hand, and starts waving it around.]'' A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
:'''Caroline''': Yeah, I’m actually a little bit worried now.
:'''Mac''': Wuss.
:'''Guy''': Oooh…no! Not like that! Don’t hold it like that. Oh my God, the man’s a butcher. Be careful with that bit, that’s the bit they need to…eat asparagus. They won’t be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Guy and Mac’s top five qualities in a woman, to Caroline.]''
:'''Guy''': Five qualities, that’s easy. Number one, bendy.
:'''Mac''': Unpredictable.
:'''Guy''': Number two, shaved.
:'''Mac''': Must appreciate the genius of the Kinks.
:'''Guy''': Number three, slightly anorexic.
:'''Mac''': Thoughtful eyes.
:'''Guy''': Four, about sort of 5% lesbian.
:'''Mac''': Should be in touch with her masculine side.
:'''Guy''': And finally, mustn’t be too smelly in the cellar.
:'''Mac''': Compassionate.
:'''Guy''': ''[Disgusted]'' Ugh…So what you’ve come up with is an unpredictable, yet compassionate, slightly masculine, Kinks fan... with eyes?
:'''Mac''': I know. It’s an impossible dream.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 3 [2.3] ===

:''[Harriet rushes into the office.]''
:'''[[w:Harriet Schulenburg|Harriet]]''': Oh, sorry I’m late. The kids.
:'''[[w:Kim Alabaster|Kim]]''': Took forever to get ready?
:'''Harriet''': Yeah, and the traffic.
:'''[[w:Naughty Rachel|Rachel]]''': Terrible?
:'''Harriet''': Wasn’t it. "Then I had to stop off at… ''[She opens her bag, and a cat comes out of it.]'' Oh. Well who did I leave at the vets then?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Caroline''': I’m just saying it’s a male dominated workplace.
:'''Guy''': Bollocks!
:'''Caroline''': I’ve got a few other points you can prove for me if you like.
:'''Guy''': It’s not male dominated, they’re bloody women everywhere.
:'''Mac''': Hmm…crunching underfoot everywhere they walk.
:'''Guy''': Yeah. Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have. It’s pointless. Really hurts.
:'''Caroline''': Wow, it’s like working with Germaine Greer.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''[[w:Joanna Clore|Joanna]]''': Right, what have we got? Anything?
:'''Kim''': Oh wait, there’s a complaints file.
:'''Joanna''': I knew it! ''[They open the file. A pop-up paper set of flowers comes up from the file. Both scream at the sight.]'' Oh damn, she’s good.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Sue''': Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the others were rhetorical.
:'''Angela''': This is the chance of a lifetime. If it doesn’t happen now, it may never happen!
:'''Sue''': Are we still on the rim thing?

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Mac enters the gents'.]''
:'''[[w:Martin Dear|Martin]]''': ''[O. O. V.]'' Hi Mac.
:''[Mac turns]''
:'''Mac''': OK, that is the worst, "Going to the toilet," I’ve ever seen.
:''[The camera moves to show Martin stuck to the wall with parcel tape.]''
:'''Martin''': Yeah, Guy said he’d be phoning the gays.
:'''Mac''': Which gays?
:'''Martin''': Well, all of them.
:'''Mac''': The thing you have to understand about the gays, is that they're probably more scared of you, than you are of them.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 4 [2.4] ===

:'''Guy''': ''[To Caroline]'' "You’ve got paperclips stuck to your hand."
:'''Caroline''': "Have I?" ''[Caroline lifts up her left hand. There are paperclips stuck to it.]'' Oh, must be a full moon; my hand goes magnetic."

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Caroline''': Swiss mouth, shut!
<hr width=50%/>
''Caroline has reluctantly agreed to let Guy move into her spare room''
:'''Mac''': A [[w:clog (shoe)|sabot]], or sa-bot, was a kind of wooden clog worn by impoverished French workers, and as a protest against the [[w:Jacquard loom|Jacquard loom]]-- which they thought would take away their jobs-- they'd throw their sabots-- or wooden clogs-- into the delicate machinery to destroy its workings, from which we get the modern word ''sabotage''.
:'''Guy''': Yeah, alright. Now you've harshed my buzz, have you got a point?
:'''Mac''': Well, if your plan to move in with Caroline is, in any way, an attempt to sabotage our relationship, I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog.

=== Episode 5 [2.5] ===

:'''Guy''': "Can you get a verruca on your penis?"
:'''Caroline''': "I can’t, can you?"
:'''Mac''': "Never tried, pretty good at most parlour games though."
:'''Guy''': "A friend of mine fell knob first into a foot bath at a swimming pool, he was wondering, that’s all. I’m not interrupting anything am I?"
:'''Mac''': "Just the evolution of mankind."

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 6 [2.6] ===
:'''Murrat''': You queen!
:'''Karen''': ''(embarrassed smile)'' No!
:'''Murrat''': Yes! ''(indicates her hair)'' [[w:Brian May|Brian May]]! [[w:Queen (band)|Queen]]!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Joanna''': “You’ve kept notes! Tell me you haven’t written down what you’ve did to my cousin?”
:'''Alan''': "Not really."
:''[Joanna takes Alan’s notebook and reads it herself.]''
:'''Joanna''': ““Damaged heron.” Somehow that’s worse.”
:'''Alan''': “Give it here.”
:'''Joanna''': “No, that’s going to the same place as my cousin.”
:'''Alan''': “Oh that’s terrific, where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas?”
:'''Joanna''': “On your knob end? You wouldn’t need a huge amount of space will you? Oh here’s a useful idea for you, don’t kill dwarfs with herons.”

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 7 [2.7] ===

:''[Sue is kissing the ventriloquist's dummy.]''
:'''Sue''': Live, damn you, live!
:'''Dummy''': Fuck off! Save yourself for Dr. Macartney.
:'''Sue''': Yeah, I know you're right, you're right; but, Mac and Holly...what are we going to do?
:'''Dummy''': Destroy her!
:'''Sue''': Yes, good, how?
:'''Dummy''': Leave it to me.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Alan''': Let’s have sex.
:'''Joanna''': We have to keep away from each other!
:'''Alan''': Let’s have sex separately.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Mac''': I think my son's hair is dyed.
:'''Martin''': Oh, right. Well, have you checked to see whether his collar and cuffs match?
:'''Mac''': Martin, he's four years old.
:'''Martin''': Yeah, I know.
:'''Mac''': But if it is dyed, do you see what that means? Do you see what that implies?
:'''Martin''': Means he's probably quite vain about his appearance? Oh my God! He's gay!

=== Episode 8 [2.8] ===

:'''Guy''': ''[As Caroline takes a towel and wipes the mirror without reading the message.]'' “No!”
:'''Caroline''': “What?”
:'''Guy''': “You spoilt it.”
:'''Caroline''': ''[Brushing her teeth]'' “Spoilt what?”
:'''Guy''': “The mirror, I'd written in it.”
:'''Caroline''': “Really.”
:'''Guy''': “Yes.”
:'''Caroline''': “Wrote what?”
:'''Guy''': “It doesn’t matter now, but if you must know it was, 'I love you.'”
:'''Caroline''': “You bloody narcissist!"

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mac''': “All I’m saying is that you’ll never be a one-woman man.”
:'''Guy''': “That’s rubbish, I am.”
:'''Mac''': “Are you?”
:'''Guy''': “Yeah.”
:'''Mac''': “What about that new blonde girl in ENT, nice or what?”
:'''Guy''': “Not interested.”
:'''Mac''': “Not interested?”
:'''Guy''': “No. No, I’ve changed.”
:'''Mac''': “Oh great. What about Graham in dermatology?”
:'''Guy''': “Changed as in, “I think I’m ready for commitment.””
:'''Mac''': “Fantastic. I’ll sign your commitment papers for you today.”

<hr width=50%/>

== The Secret Policeman's Ball Sketch ==

:'''Mac''': You look a bit like a fairy.
:'''Guy''': ''[Points to Mac and Sue]'' Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. That's the introductions out of the way.
:'''Sue''': Really? Who's this, then? ''[Get up off the gurney and talks to the patient]'' Oh, no, you don't, little lady. Uh-huh. Think we might've met before. Come on, up you pop. Off your trolley!
:'''Guy''': ''[Points to Sue and the patient]'' Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.

<hr width=50%/>

== Misc quotes ==

:'''Joanna''': “Criminals always get caught in the end, don’t you watch TV?”

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Boyce''': ''[To Martin, after he denies he offered a ride on his motorbike to a prostitute.]'' "Well, there was someone straddling you mate, maybe you should check your rear-view mirrors more."

<hr width=50%/>

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0423661|title=Green Wing}}
*[http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/G/green_wing/ Green Wing "microsite"] at Channel4.com
*[http://www.sitcom.co.uk/green_wing/ British Sitcom Guide]
*[http://www.searingidolatry.co.uk/greenwing/ Green Wing Fansite]
*[http://www.kaiki.net/waxedowl/ Waxed Owl]
*[http://www.livejournal.com/community/___greenwing/ Green Wing LiveJournal Community]

{{Template:Green Wing}}
[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]

Green Wing (series 2)

2014-03-13T14:08:01Z

YKWSG: /* Episode 7 [2.7] */ No need for quotation marks

:''For series 1 quotes, see [[Green Wing (series 1)]].''
:''For the Special quotes, see [[Green Wing Special]].''

'''''[[w:Green Wing|Green Wing]]''''' (2004 – 2007) is a British television comedy broadcast on Channel 4. The second series was shown between 31 March and and 19 May 2006. The DVD of the second series is set to be released on 2 October time, with the Christmas Special coming out seperate. Also, this contains [[w:The Secret Policeman's Ball (2006)|The Secret Policeman's Ball]] Sketch.

__TOC__

== Series 2 ==

=== Episode 1 [2.1] ===
:''[Guy has brought a kitten in Mac’s room. He then takes out a gun and points it at the kitten.]''
:'''[[w:Guy Secretan|Guy]]''': Wake up, or the kitty gets it. ''[Pause, followed by the kitten meowing quietly, then he talks to the kitten.]'' You said it would work.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''[[w:Caroline Todd|Caroline]]''': Guy, did you take a cat and a gun into Mac’s ward?
:'''Guy''': It was a replica.
:'''Caroline''': ''[Gasps]'' "You brought in a replica cat?"
:'''Guy''': ''[slowly]'' A replica gun.
:'''Caroline''': You're trying to get fully reinstated, how stupid can you be?
:'''Guy''': Not stupid enough to ask whether or not someone has brought in a replica cat.
<hr width=50%/>
:''Martin is puzzled about Guy's choice of lunch''
:'''Martin''': You don't like curry.
:'''Guy''': No. Ah, not usually, no. But it's [[w:Ramadan|Ramadan]]! ''[waves the curry under the noses of two nurses]'' A time for fasting. Yum yum yum! Smells so good!
:'''Nurse''': We're Hindu, you nipple!

=== Episode 2 [2.2] ===

:'''[[w:Angela Hunter|Angela]]''': Just tell him what happened.
:'''Caroline''': "He might not believe me. I’ve got no witnesses."
:'''Angela''': Well, if he knows his minds gone a bit…blurrg…so just tell him.
:'''Caroline''': Oh right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi Mac, I’m er, I’m Caroline. You know, the one you found a bit irritating at first, but then er…well, the thing is you really, really liked me and now we’re kind of a couple. So, there you go, I’ve filled in all the gaps, let’s go to bed.
:'''Angela''': Well, maybe in not so many words.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[At an internal tribunal.]''
:'''Charles''': Isn’t there something else you’d like to say?
:'''Guy''': Err…I don’t think so?
:'''[[w:Sue White|Sue]]''': What’s the magic word?
:'''Guy''': Abracadabra?
:'''Charles''': How do you normally express your gratitude to somebody?
:'''Guy''': You want a tip? Is that ethical?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Caroline''': Look, we’re all back!
:'''[[w:Mac (Green Wing)|Mac]]''': Yeah, but I don’t really remember who you are?
:'''Guy''': Well, as long you remember in what order to put the organs back in in.
:'''Mac''': What an odd thing to say say. ''[Mac has a scalpel in his hand, and starts waving it around.]'' A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
:'''Caroline''': Yeah, I’m actually a little bit worried now.
:'''Mac''': Wuss.
:'''Guy''': Oooh…no! Not like that! Don’t hold it like that. Oh my God, the man’s a butcher. Be careful with that bit, that’s the bit they need to…eat asparagus. They won’t be able to eat asparagus if you cut that bit out.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Guy and Mac’s top five qualities in a woman, to Caroline.]''
:'''Guy''': Five qualities, that’s easy. Number one, bendy.
:'''Mac''': Unpredictable.
:'''Guy''': Number two, shaved.
:'''Mac''': Must appreciate the genius of the Kinks.
:'''Guy''': Number three, slightly anorexic.
:'''Mac''': Thoughtful eyes.
:'''Guy''': Four, about sort of 5% lesbian.
:'''Mac''': Should be in touch with her masculine side.
:'''Guy''': And finally, mustn’t be too smelly in the cellar.
:'''Mac''': Compassionate.
:'''Guy''': ''[Disgusted]'' Ugh…So what you’ve come up with is an unpredictable, yet compassionate, slightly masculine, Kinks fan... with eyes?
:'''Mac''': I know. It’s an impossible dream.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 3 [2.3] ===

:''[Harriet rushes into the office.]''
:'''[[w:Harriet Schulenburg|Harriet]]''': Oh, sorry I’m late. The kids.
:'''[[w:Kim Alabaster|Kim]]''': Took forever to get ready?
:'''Harriet''': Yeah, and the traffic.
:'''[[w:Naughty Rachel|Rachel]]''': Terrible?
:'''Harriet''': Wasn’t it. "Then I had to stop off at… ''[She opens her bag, and a cat comes out of it.]'' Oh. Well who did I leave at the vets then?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Caroline''': I’m just saying it’s a male dominated workplace.
:'''Guy''': Bollocks!
:'''Caroline''': I’ve got a few other points you can prove for me if you like.
:'''Guy''': It’s not male dominated, they’re bloody women everywhere.
:'''Mac''': Hmm…crunching underfoot everywhere they walk.
:'''Guy''': Yeah. Have you ever paid for a woman to walk on you? I have. It’s pointless. Really hurts.
:'''Caroline''': Wow, it’s like working with Germaine Greer.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''[[w:Joanna Clore|Joanna]]''': Right, what have we got? Anything?
:'''Kim''': Oh wait, there’s a complaints file.
:'''Joanna''': I knew it! ''[They open the file. A pop-up paper set of flowers comes up from the file. Both scream at the sight.]'' Oh damn, she’s good.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Sue''': Do I look like a mug? Have I got a handle? Am I made of china? Am I kept in a cupboard or on a small wooden tree? Would you like to put your lips on my rim? You may answer that question, the others were rhetorical.
:'''Angela''': This is the chance of a lifetime. If it doesn’t happen now, it may never happen!
:'''Sue''': Are we still on the rim thing?

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Mac enters the gents'.]''
:'''[[w:Martin Dear|Martin]]''': ''[O. O. V.]'' Hi Mac.
:''[Mac turns]''
:'''Mac''': OK, that is the worst, "Going to the toilet," I’ve ever seen.
:''[The camera moves to show Martin stuck to the wall with parcel tape.]''
:'''Martin''': Yeah, Guy said he’d be phoning the gays.
:'''Mac''': Which gays?
:'''Martin''': Well, all of them.
:'''Mac''': The thing you have to understand about the gays, is that they're probably more scared of you, than you are of them.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 4 [2.4] ===

:'''Guy''': ''[To Caroline]'' "You’ve got paperclips stuck to your hand."
:'''Caroline''': "Have I?" ''[Caroline lifts up her left hand. There are paperclips stuck to it.]'' Oh, must be a full moon; my hand goes magnetic."

<hr width=50%/>
:'''Caroline''': Swiss mouth, shut!
<hr width=50%/>
''Caroline has reluctantly agreed to let Guy move into her spare room''
:'''Mac''': A [[w:clog (shoe)|sabot]], or sa-bot, was a kind of wooden clog worn by impoverished French workers, and as a protest against the [[w:Jacquard loom|Jacquard loom]]-- which they thought would take away their jobs-- they'd throw their sabots-- or wooden clogs-- into the delicate machinery to destroy its workings, from which we get the modern word ''sabotage''.
:'''Guy''': Yeah, alright. Now you've harshed my buzz, have you got a point?
:'''Mac''': Well, if your plan to move in with Caroline is, in any way, an attempt to sabotage our relationship, I will hit you in the fucking face with a big wooden clog.

=== Episode 5 [2.5] ===

:'''Guy''': "Can you get a verruca on your penis?"
:'''Caroline''': "I can’t, can you?"
:'''Mac''': "Never tried, pretty good at most parlour games though."
:'''Guy''': "A friend of mine fell knob first into a foot bath at a swimming pool, he was wondering, that’s all. I’m not interrupting anything am I?"
:'''Mac''': "Just the evolution of mankind."

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 6 [2.6] ===
:'''Murrat''': You queen!
:'''Karen''': ''(embarrassed smile)'' No!
:'''Murrat''': Yes! ''(indicates her hair)'' [[w:Brian May|Brian May]]! [[w:Queen (band)|Queen]]!
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Joanna''': “You’ve kept notes! Tell me you haven’t written down what you’ve did to my cousin?”
:'''Alan''': "Not really."
:''[Joanna takes Alan’s notebook and reads it herself.]''
:'''Joanna''': ““Damaged heron.” Somehow that’s worse.”
:'''Alan''': “Give it here.”
:'''Joanna''': “No, that’s going to the same place as my cousin.”
:'''Alan''': “Oh that’s terrific, where am I supposed to jot down my useful ideas?”
:'''Joanna''': “On your knob end? You wouldn’t need a huge amount of space will you? Oh here’s a useful idea for you, don’t kill dwarfs with herons.”

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 7 [2.7] ===

:''[Sue is kissing the ventriloquist's dummy.]''
:'''Sue''': Live, damn you, live!
:'''Dummy''': Fuck off! Save yourself for Dr. Macartney.
:'''Sue''': Yeah, I know you're right, you're right; but, Mac and Holly...what are we going to do?
:'''Dummy''': Destroy her!
:'''Sue''': Yes, good, how?
:'''Dummy''': Leave it to me.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Alan''': Let’s have sex.
:'''Joanna''': We have to keep away from each other!
:'''Alan''': Let’s have sex separately.

<hr width=50%/>

=== Episode 8 [2.8] ===

:'''Guy''': ''[As Caroline takes a towel and wipes the mirror without reading the message.]'' “No!”
:'''Caroline''': “What?”
:'''Guy''': “You spoilt it.”
:'''Caroline''': ''[Brushing her teeth]'' “Spoilt what?”
:'''Guy''': “The mirror, I'd written in it.”
:'''Caroline''': “Really.”
:'''Guy''': “Yes.”
:'''Caroline''': “Wrote what?”
:'''Guy''': “It doesn’t matter now, but if you must know it was, 'I love you.'”
:'''Caroline''': “You bloody narcissist!"

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mac''': “All I’m saying is that you’ll never be a one-woman man.”
:'''Guy''': “That’s rubbish, I am.”
:'''Mac''': “Are you?”
:'''Guy''': “Yeah.”
:'''Mac''': “What about that new blonde girl in ENT, nice or what?”
:'''Guy''': “Not interested.”
:'''Mac''': “Not interested?”
:'''Guy''': “No. No, I’ve changed.”
:'''Mac''': “Oh great. What about Graham in dermatology?”
:'''Guy''': “Changed as in, “I think I’m ready for commitment.””
:'''Mac''': “Fantastic. I’ll sign your commitment papers for you today.”

<hr width=50%/>

== The Secret Policeman's Ball Sketch ==

:'''Mac''': You look a bit like a fairy.
:'''Guy''': ''[Points to Mac and Sue]'' Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot. That's the introductions out of the way.
:'''Sue''': Really? Who's this, then? ''[Get up off the gurney and talks to the patient]'' Oh, no, you don't, little lady. Uh-huh. Think we might've met before. Come on, up you pop. Off your trolley!
:'''Guy''': ''[Points to Sue and the patient]'' Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.

<hr width=50%/>

== Misc quotes ==

:'''Joanna''': “Criminals always get caught in the end, don’t you watch TV?”

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Boyce''': ''[To Martin, after he denies he offered a ride on his motorbike to a prostitute.]'' "Well, there was someone straddling you mate, maybe you should check your rear-view mirrors more."

<hr width=50%/>

== External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*{{imdb title|id=0423661|title=Green Wing}}
*[http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/G/green_wing/ Green Wing "microsite"] at Channel4.com
*[http://www.sitcom.co.uk/green_wing/ British Sitcom Guide]
*[http://www.searingidolatry.co.uk/greenwing/ Green Wing Fansite]
*[http://www.kaiki.net/waxedowl/ Waxed Owl]
*[http://www.livejournal.com/community/___greenwing/ Green Wing LiveJournal Community]

{{Template:Green Wing}}
[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]

My Hero

2014-03-11T01:08:36Z

YKWSG: /* Christmas */

'''''[[w:My Hero (UK TV series)|My Hero]]''''' (2000–2006) is a British television sitcom created by Paul Mendelson, orginally airing on BBC.
It starred Ardal O’Hanlon, Emily Joyce, Lill Roughley, Tim Wylton, Philip Whitchurch, Lou Hirsch, Geraldine McNulty, Hugh Dennis, Finlay Stroud (voice), Madeline Mortimer (voice).

==Catchphrases==

:'''Piers Crispin''': I am always here.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''Ultronian greeting George and Arnie often say to each other.""
:'''George''': Zneet znatter zneet

==Series 1==

===My Hero===

:''[George enters the health centre for the first time, carrying an elderly woman on his back after she fainted.]''

:'''George''': Hello. Where can I put this?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, don't give her to me. ''(She picks up the phone)'' Janet, out here. ''(She hangs up again.)'' Do you know what's wrong with her?

:'''George''': Well, she's got rheumatoid arthritis in her left shoulder, a slightly irregular heartbeat and two nasty scars where she was delivered by forceps.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I meant why is she unconscious?

:'''George''': Oh, she just fainted.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': And you are?

:'''George''': Fine. Thanks for asking.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[In Arnie's New York café, he's watching TV with a customer. Arnie has a smug look on his face.]''

:'''Commentator''': There's two touchdowns. And the Denver Broncos game against the Dallas Cowboys has just ended with a 21-19 victory for the Broncos.

:''[Arnie turns off the TV]''

:'''Arnie''': Yes! Thank you! Pay the man!

:''[He does, reluctantly]''

:'''Customer''': Every week ya do me! Every week, Arnie!

:''[He gets up and heads for the door]''

:'''Arnie''': What can I say? I've got a talent!

:'''Customer''': Yeah!

:'''Arnie''': I've got a nose...

:'''Customer''': Yeah, yeah!

:''[The man leaves, and Arnie now holds a tape in his hand]''

:'''Arnie''': I've got a VCR!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Ella enters the health centre]''

:'''Janet''': Mum, what are you doing here?

:''[Ella enters slowly]''

:'''Ella''': I don't want to come in, not with all these sick people! I told you that outfit does nothing for you!

:'''Janet''': I'm a nurse!

:'''Ella''': Well, at least accessorise! ''(She spots Piers)'' Piers!

:'''Piers''': Mrs. Dawkins. Tell me how you stay so young, I'll recommend it on my show.

:'''Ella''': Oh, you! ''(To Janet)'' He's gorgeous! ''(Back to Piers)'' I loved your piece on vericose veins, not that I needed it!

:'''Piers''': Oh, heaven forbid! You have the legs of a teenager...

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ...on steroids!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George''': Right, she's come out for dinner with me, but I don't know what to do next. I need help!

:'''Arnie''': Have you got her a present?

:'''George''': Surgical stockings.

:'''Arnie''': You ''do'' need help. Right, you take her back to her place, and you show her the money! If she likes you as George "Surgical Stockings" Sunday, she'll ''love'' you as Thermoman!

:'''George''': You think so?

:'''Arnie''': You're Tom Cruise in tights, only taller!

:'''George''': Right, I'll show her what I'm made of. Well, not literally, I mean, she'd faint if I did that.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': Janet, you'll be pleased to know I've decided to forgive you for that bistro mix-up last Tuesday.

:'''Janet''': ''(sarcastically)'' Oh, good, I can sleep easy again.

:'''Piers''': It's not your fault you went to the wrong restaurant. It's something about the female brain holding information.

:'''Janet''': Is it?

:'''Piers''': You wouldn't believe it. Lots of women I've been out with have had the same problem.

:'''Janet''': You don't say. ''(She leaves)'' Well, goodnight.

:'''Piers''': God, she fancies me. So, Mrs. Raven, you doing anything remotely interesting tonight?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'm taking the triplets to see the exorcist.

:'''Piers''': Hmm. Great movie.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Who's talking about the movie?

===Guess Who's Coming to Lunch?===

:'''Mrs. Raven''': The school's only called again about the triplets' truancy.

:'''Janet''': Oh, no.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': The headmaster's asking if they can stay off next term as well.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': Janet tells me you've bought a pokey little health food shop in the high street.

:'''George''': She's right. And if all goes to plan, I hope to greet my first customers tomorrow morning.

:'''Piers''': So you open tomorrow?

:'''George''': No, we opened a week ago.

:'''Piers''': Good lord. You'd think people would be queueing for some of that organic Welsh dandelion mucus bar, wouldn't you?

:'''George''': I know, you would!

:'''Janet''': Sarcasm, George.

:'''George''': Oh, right.

:'''Piers''': And guess who was guest of honour at the Northholt GP's Annual Dinner Dance last night? Only your favourite television doctor!

:'''George''': Not Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman!

===Mission Impossible===

:''(George is waiting for his suit to come out of the washing machine while a space station is heading towards Earth.)''

:'''George''': Come on! Come on!!

:'''Woman on Radio''': I can't think where he is! Why isn't he here?

:'''George''': BECAUSE THE WASHING CYCLE'S NOT FINISHED!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': You all right, George?

:'''George''': ''(Scratching)'' Yeah, I think I must be allergic to something.

:'''Piers''': To Janet perhaps! ''(Laughs)'' Well, it could be anything. Something you ate, biological washing powder, insect bite, heat rash.

:'''George''': ''(To Janet)'' You use biological washing powder!?

:'''Janet''': I'm sorry, George. It's not the first thing you ask.

:'''Mrs Raven''': Last time I tried anything biological I got triplets.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George''': She read the physical intimacy page. Once a month, Arnie!

:'''Arnie''': So? You did tell her it was an Ultron month? Equivalent to an Earth day.

:'''George''': ''(Relieved)'' I had no idea!

:'''Arnie''': It's a lie, George, but how the hell is she gonna know?

<hr width=50%/>

:''(Performs check-up on George as he thinks he's Thermoman)''

:'''Piers''': Now, I know we have been rivals for Janet's affections

:'''George''': I think she prefers me, Doctor. She calls you an egocentric slimming bastard

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Ella''': ''(About George)'' I asked him how much television he watches and he said "the whole screen".

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:''[George finds out from Janet about the 'side-effect' Piers has suffered from George erasing his memory, namely, his entire medical knowledge has been wiped.]''

:'''George''': I've broken the superhero's code! I've injured another human being! I haven't done that since that time a blew a policeman through a wall!

:'''Janet''': You blew a policeman through a wall?

:'''George''': Yeah, well, I flew into the police station, and he said "Well, blow me!", so I did.

:'''Janet''': You're lucky that's '''all''' he said...

===Thermoman's Greatest Challenge===

:'''Piers''': ''(To Thermoman)'' You fancy her, don't you? ''(Janet)'' Let me tell you now, you're not her type. She doesn't go for men who are famous and extremely successful.

:'''Thermoman''': You know someone like that, do you?

:'''Piers''': I am someone like that. ''(Proudly)'' And thats not swank.

:'''Thermoman''': No?

:'''Piers''': I'm no swanker!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': Actually, you can go home early, Mrs. Raven. I'll clear things up here.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Oh, thanks, Doctor. I've gotta get home quickly anyway. My sister's on ''Who Wants to be a Millionaire?'', and I've gotta be by the phone.

:'''Piers''': Ah, you're one of her "phone-a-friends"?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, I'll probably get it wrong... I hope I do, I hate my sister!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': Now, Thermoman, I was wondering if you could help me, mate?

:'''Thermoman''': Help you ''mate''? Well, sexual problems aren't really my thing...

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Thermoman is guest of honour at a charity party at the health centre. Mrs. Raven is serving wine and cheese]''

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wine... Cheese... Wine... Wine... Cheese... Listeria... Cirrhosis of the liver...

:'''Piers''': Mrs. Raven, try and be more friendly with them! Show them you know who they are.

:''[Mrs. Raven goes to the Mayor]''

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Evening, Mayor. Little wine? Or would it interfere with your antibiotics?

<hr width=50%/>

:''(Thermoman enters for the first time]''

:'''Thermoman''': Greetings, people of Northholt!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wine? Cheese? Me?

:'''Thermoman''': I cannot, but thank you for the offer!

:'''Piers''': "Thermo", mate! Why don't we get a picture of the two 'celebs' together?

:'''Thermoman''': Yes, where is the Mayor?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wine... ''(Drinks some wine)'' Cheese... ''(Eats some cheese)'' More wine... ''(Drinks some wine)'' Sod the cheese! ''(Drinks more wine, and more wine...)''

:'''Piers''': Don't you think you've had enough, Mrs. Raven?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'll know when I've had enough - I'll get merry!

:'''Piers''': And how much wine will that take?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I don't know, it's never happened yet!

===Old Man Riverdance===

:'''Janet''': George, if your father does let us stay together, and we have children, what would they be like? Human or Ultronian?

:'''George''': Hmm... Probably a bit of both. In human terms, brilliant! In Ultronian terms, seriously retarded!

===The Party's Over===
:''(About a woman in a cafe)''

:'''George''': She seems friendly.

:'''Arnie''': She's a hooker, George.

:'''George''': A hooker? God, I love Rugby.

:''(Speaks to woman)''

:'''George''': Arnie tells me you're a hooker. It's a grand old game, very physical. Although I think more women should take it up.

:'''Hooker''': You do, do you?

:'''George''': Oh yes. Now for me, I prefer to watch. Right now, I have only seen men.

:'''Hooker''': You're sick!

:'''George''': Nah! It's just a touch of hay fever, thanks for asking

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Tyler''': ''(to Mrs. Raven)'' When can I see you again?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': When Hell freezes over!

:'''Tyler''': Right, um, Tuesday it is, then.

=Series 2=

===Christmas===

:'''George:''' Happy Christmas, Tyler.
:'''Tyler:''' No, be afraid. For it will not be a happy Christmas. The Anti-Christ is coming!......
:'''George:''' No, Tyler. I've had a word with the Anti-Christ and he's staying at home this year.
:'''Tyler:''' You have saved the world once again.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''George:''' By the way, who is this Santa Claus?
:'''Janet:''' It doesn't matter George, he's just someone who comes and brings children presents on Christmas morning.
:'''Tyler:''' Yeah, he comes down the chimney and puts them in a big sock at the end of the bed.
:'''George:''' Nice bloke.
:'''Tyler:''' He is. I was at Junior School with him.

===Parents===

:'''Mrs Raven''': ''(About Thermoman)'' If he ever comes back, I'm giving him my body.

:'''George''': What if he doesn't want it?

:'''Mrs Raven''': He's getting it, whether he wants it or not!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Ella is the leading lady in a new play.]''

:'''Ella''': Anyway, you'll soon see for yourselves. I think it's going to be one of the NADS' best productions!

:'''George''': The NADS?

:'''Piers''': The good old Northholt Amateur Dramatic Society.

:'''George''': But... that's GONADS!

<hr width="50%"/>

''(After George has ruined Janet's parent's play by shouting and cheering.)''

:'''Janet''': We just want to say we're really, really sorry. George has only ever been to a panto, he thought all plays were like that. How are you feeling now?

:'''Stanley''': ''(Watch alarm goes off)'' Time for another prosac. ''(Hands the pill to Ella.)''

===Girlfriend===

:''[Xil, supposedly George’s Ultronian fiancée, has come to claim him]''

:'''George''': Actually, I feel a bit sorry for her. It's not hard to see why she's come. Poor girl.

:'''Janet''': Poor girl?!

:'''George''': Yeah, you only have to look at her. Honestly, how is a girl who looks like that ever going to find a husband?

:'''Janet''': George, here on Earth, a girl who looks like that could get anyone's husband!

:'''George''': Really? Even with those long, shapely legs? And those boring, perfectly spherical breasts? What a ridiculous planet this is!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Piers''': Alright, Mrs. Bennett, just keep putting the cream on it, but if it gets any worse, be a love and change doctors, okay?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''George''': Mrs. Raven, it's incredible! You look even ''more'' miserable than usual!

:'''Janet''': George, Mrs. Raven isn't herself today.

:'''George''': That must be a relief! For both of you!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[George asks Arnie for advice on trying to get out of marrying Xil]''

:'''George''': Can you remember back to something very significant we both did when we were six?

:'''Arnie''': All kids do that kind of stuff, it doesn't make you any less of a man...

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Ella''': Janet, can I have a little word?

:'''Janet''': Yep. How about 'go'?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mrs Raven''': So... No George today?

:'''Janet''': No, he's been busy.

:'''Mrs Raven''': I bet he has. Well, I think it's great how you trust him enough to be alone. In that little flat. With that woman. Who'd stoop to anything!

:'''Janet''': There's nothing to worry about. George promised he wouldn't have sex with her.

:'''Mrs Raven''': Oh, I didn't realise he'd promised! Well then, it's admirable that you trust him. Or completely bloody stupid.

:'''Janet''': Look, can we change the subject please?

:'''Mrs Raven''': Course. Do you think euthanasia is ever justified in long-term geriatric treatment?

:'''Janet''': Who cares!? George is in my flat with the bitch queen from planet slut!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[As George prepares to leave Earth for good...]''

:'''Arnie''': You ready, George?

:'''George''': No, Arnie. This is the darkest, most depressing day of my existence. Life doesn't get any worse than this.

:'''Arnie''': You wanna hear my best man speech?

:'''George''': I stand corrected.

===Car===

:'''George''': Arnie, if I gave you your powers back, and you then saw a woman trapped on a runaway train, would you: A) rescue her, B) rescue her and charge her a fee, or C) rescue her, ask her to sleep with you, and if she refuses, throw her back on the train?

:'''Arnie''': Can I phone a friend?

:'''George''': You could if you had one.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mrs Raven''': Flu? You're coming in here with flu?!

:''(Patient nods, Mrs Raven holds and piece of cabbage on a stick over her mouth and rings a bell twice)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': Unclean! Unclean!

:''(Mrs Raven stops ringing the bell)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': You, over there.

:''(Mrs Raven points to the seats surrounded by a fence with a biohazard sign attached to it, spraying the patient as she takes her seat)''

:'''Janet''': Did you get to your anger management class last night?

:'''Mrs Raven''': No, the therapist is still in intensive care

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Janet''': I know it's none of my business, Mrs Raven, but do you think some of this hostility might be because you're, well... unattatched?

:'''Mrs Raven''': My sex life's my own affair, thank you Oprah. Always has been...Apart from the triplet incident.

:'''Janet''': But if Mr. Right came along?

:'''Mrs Raven''': There is no Mr. Right. There's only Mr. Crap, Mr. Tit and their friend Mr. Total Tosser! The only good place for a man's on a mortuary slab.

:'''Janet''': Lovely.

:''Piers walks into the surgery.''

:'''Mrs Raven''': Oh, fasten your seatbelt. Here comes Mr. Tit.

===Nemesis===

:''[George is fixing things on the shelf behind the counter in his shop. He turns round and jumps in fright, gasping. Mrs. Raven is standing there.]''

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Did I scare you?

:'''George''': You ''always'' scare me, Mrs. Raven.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Good.

:'''George''': Now, how can I help you?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'm desperate. The triplets have discovered thrash metal.

:'''George''': Oil of Lavender. Very good for headaches...

:'''Mrs. Raven''': No, I'd prefer something for the triplets!

:'''George''': Mrs. Raven! I've told you before, I can't sell chloroform over the counter! Anyway, I'm sure they're not that bad.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': You've never seen them, have you?

:''[She gets a photograph out of her handbag and shows it to George. He gasps again.]''

:'''George''': Oh my god!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, that's the standard reaction.

:'''George''': ''(Nervously)'' Are... are those horns?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': No, that's just the way they like to gel their hair!

:'''George''': What age were they then?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': 6, 6, and 6! Now if that weren't an omen!

<hr width=50%/>

:''(being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim)''
:'''Piers''': I'm going to destroy the whole world and everybody in it...apart from [[w:Britney Spears|Britney Spears]]; I quite like her.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George''': If you refuse the sacred challenge you're sent to the four corners of the galaxy...in four seperate packing cases.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Piers, being possessed by Rovi Grubbeldim, cackles villainously.]''

:'''George''': Why do you keep doing that?

:'''Piers''': It underscores my evil - it's a flourish.

<hr width=50%/>

:''Rovi'': [about super attraction] (it works) On all but the cruelest and most hard-hearted of women
:''Piers'': Mrs Raven?
:''Rovi'': Mrs Raven.

==Series 3==

===Baby Talk===

:'''George''': I don't care what they say... Babies are more knackering than volcanoes!

:'''Janet''': How could something so small cause such havoc?

:'''George''': Now, there's no need to get personal.

:'''Janet''': I meant the baby.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Janet''': You’d better speak to him before my mother sees him. And she’ll want to see him before the christening.

:'''George''': What’s the christening?

:'''Janet''': It’s when you’re accepted into the church. You've heard of Jesus Christ?

:'''George''': That’s what most people say when they see Thermoman.

:'''Janet''': Well, he was this really great man who healed the sick and walked on water...

:'''George''': The baby walked on water last night in the bath! Jesus was an Ultronian!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Janet''': You’ve picked a name for him already!

:'''George''': Yep. I’ve found the perfect name. It’s a biblical name, and it means something nice on Ultron.

:'''Janet''': Oh, really? Well what is it?

:'''George''': Pontius.

:'''Janet''': Pontius? As in Pontius Pilate?

:'''George''': Yes. It means "Great Heart" on Ultron.

:'''Janet''': It means "Great Bastard" here!

:'''George''': And his second name is Ulrich. That was my mother’s name. It means "warm heart"

:'''Janet''': George, I am NOT naming my son Pontius Ulrich Sunday! More than anything, it spells pus!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Arnie''': ''(to Mrs. Raven)'' Hey, Phantom of the Opera! How'd you like a stallion between your sheets?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I'd sooner sleep with an incontinent skunk! Get your coat.

:'''Arnie''': ''(to George)'' Romance is not dead!

===Zero Tolerance===

:'''Piers''': I stopped a little vandal this week spraying “poser” on my brand new customised Porsche.

:'''George''': Oh yes, I saw that. And on the other side he'd written "Useless toss-"

:'''Piers''': Yes, thank you George! So I hauled him down to the police station. A small struggle, but I managed to get the better of him. And did they charge him? No, they did not! Honestly, these 5-year-olds can get away with murder!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I made 4 citizen's arrests this week.

:'''Stanley''': Really? What were they for?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Wasting a medical receptionist's time!

:'''Stanley''': I don’t think that's actually an offence, Mrs. Raven.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, it's an offence to me! Coming here, wanting to change their appointments! So I arrested four of them and took them straight down to the police station.

:'''Stanley''': And did they press charges?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah. They charged me with wasting police time!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George and Arnie''': Zneet znatter zneet!

:'''Tyler''': Zneet znatter zneet!

:'''Arnie''': Tyler, this is an Ultronian thing. We don't do it with humans. Not even weird ones.

:'''Tyler''': Oh, okay. ''(He slowly walks away, upset)''

:'''George''': Oh, alright then.

:'''George and Tyler''': Zneet znatter zneet!

:'''Tyler''': Zneet znatter znooding zneet!

:''(George and Arnie recoil)''

:'''George''': That's disgusting.

:'''Arnie''': Not to mention illegal!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Ultron Postman enters the flat from the bathroom and hands a blue envelope to George. He then goes out the way he came.]''

:'''Janet''': Does he have to come in through there? Last time I was in the shower.

:'''George''': Oh, it's alright. He didn't mind.

===Pet Rescue===

:'''Janet''': We're looking after Biggles, Mum and Dad's dog, for a couple of weeks.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': How old is it?

:'''Janet''': About 5, I think.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Not much of an innings is it?

:'''Janet''': Innings?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, it's gonna die, isn't it? Every time you look after someone's pet, they always die and they never forgive you.

:'''Janet''': It's not going to die, Mrs. Raven.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Where is it now?

:'''Janet''': With George.

:'''Mrs Raven''': It's gonna die. Painfully, probably.

:'''Janet''': Mrs. Raven...

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Do you know, I looked after my cousin's cat once. The next day, it was run over and killed. My cousin never forgave me.

:'''Janet''': It's hardly your fault if someone... You were driving the car, weren't you?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I hated that cat.

===The Older Man===

:'''Janet''': Mrs. Raven, were there ever times when you thought your husband wasn't quite the man you married?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, once. But it was my own fault. I shouldn't have kicked him there in the first place.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Piers comes out of his office with a young blonde girl named Hayley, whom he has been 'interviewing' for a job as a nurse.]''

:'''Hayley''': Look! He's autographed my T-shirt! I'm so lucky!

:'''Janet''': Not as lucky as him. That was a short interview.

:'''Hayley''': Oh, it's not over yet. I've passed my Part One, but Part Two is all about "restaurant technique", apparently.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Make sure you drink plenty, or you won't enjoy Part Three much...

<hr width=50%/>

:''[George is aging very fast]''

:'''Arnie''': There is one thing you can do, George. But it's very risky.

:'''George''': What?

:'''Arnie''': You can go through... The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis.

:'''Tyler''': Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!

:''[Tyler opens up his jacket to reveal a T-shirt underneath reading "I went through The Flaming Time Tunnels of Tarxis"]''

:'''Arnie''': It reverses an Ultronian's aging process by re-jiggin' the age hormones. Many Ultronian women use it instead of a face lift.

:'''George''': Oh, yes, I remember. Who's that famous Ultronian?

:'''Arnie''': Her Earth name is [[W: Joan Collins|Joan Collins]]. She's been through so many times, she's got a season ticket.

===Puttin' On The Writs===

:''About her triplets''
:'''Mrs. Raven''': They're at that difficult age. Too old for borstal, too young for prison.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George''': Tyler, why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil?

:'''Tyler''': The very fact you’re asking me proves that it’s working!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Later on, Ella and Janet enter Tyler's flat]''

:'''Ella''': Why is your sofa covered in Bacofoil?

:'''Tyler''': So it can't be microwaved.

:'''Ella''': Er, I'll stand.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ''(to Arnie)'' Right, pay attention, pond scum. Calls here fall into three categories. "Urgent", "Very Urgent", "Life or Death". "Urgent": Put on Hold. "Very Urgent": Disconnect. "Life or Death": Tell them you're the maitre'd of the local Chinese restaurant.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mrs. Raven''': You tricked me! I should have known you wouldn't have known what to do if confronted by a poisonous insect!

:'''George''': Well, what I usually do is say "Good Morning, Mrs. Raven!"

===Shock, Horror!===

:''[George is getting careless with his hero-ing whilst trying to rescue people and tend to a sick Ollie at the same time]''

:'''Janet''': Take yesterday, for example. You had to deflect that comet from the Earth, put out that forest fire, and rescue those hostages. And what did you do?

:'''George''': I rescued the ''comet'', blew the hostages into the fire, and threw up.

:'''Janet''': Exactly.

:'''George''': At least I put out the fire.

<hr width=50%/>

:''[After learning that President Bush has gone missing.]''

:'''Janet''': George, what have you done with the President?

:'''George''': Look, it's perfectly simple. I had him with me when I was called out on a rescue and then I was called out on more rescues and what with that, and popping back here to see Ollie, I put him down somewhere and I can't remember where.

:'''Janet''': ''(Stares at him in horror.)''

:'''George''': We've all done it, Janet! We've all put things down and can't remember where we've put them.

:'''Janet''': Not the president of the United States!

===Little Green Man===

:''[In the shop]''

:'''Arnie''': Quiet, ain't it?

:'''Tyler''': Yeah!

:'''Arnie''': I mean, why isn't this store gettin' more business? It's got a prime spot in the high street, it's well stocked... I just don’t understand!

:''[The door opens, and a woman comes in]''

:'''Arnie and Tyler''': We're closed!

:''[She exits again]''

:'''Arnie''': Hey, did you hear that Piers is getting married? What an idiot!

:'''Tyler''': What have ''you'' got against marriage, O, former king of the cosmos? You've done it enough times!

:'''Arnie''': Exactly! It's hard work! "Love, honour and obey!" Talk about multi-tasking!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Arnie shared a piece of cake with Janet, a great offence to Ultronians which makes George literally turn green with jealousy. Tyler enters and pretends not to notice.]''

:'''Janet''': It's alright, Tyler. I can see it too.

:'''Tyler''': God, that's a relief! Last time I saw something like that, they increased my medication!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Piers is getting married, little does he know he’s being used by his 'fiancée' Carol to get her a big TV job]''

:'''Carol''': Fantastic news! "Hey There!" Magazine say they'll print our wedding photos! And, if we get a bottle of Wash & Go into every shot, they'll split the profit!

:'''Piers''': Fab! So, we've got Pot Noodle doing the catering, booze courtesy of Heineken, and the cake's being made by Utterly Butterly!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': (Sarcastically) Oh, how romantic! So, will it be a white wedding?

:'''Piers''': Certainly not! It'll be Orange... unless I can do a deal with Vodafone!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': Are you wearing make-up, George?

:'''George''': Course I am. Plenty of men wear make-up... [[Boy George]]... [[Marilyn Manson]]... Judith Chalmers...

:'''Piers''': Hmm... Perfectly normal, then...

<hr width=50%/>

:''[At the bookies]''

:'''Arnie''': Terry, I just got another hot tip... "Barnacle Bill" in the 2.30 at Haydock Park!

:'''Terry''': OK, and I’ve got a tip for you!

:'''Arnie''': I'm listenin'!

:'''Terry''': ''(He points to his left)'' Start running in that direction, very very fast!

:'''Arnie''': Huh?

:''[He turns round, and Mrs. Raven punches him and storms off again. He staggers to his feet]''

:'''Arnie''': Good tip!

===A Little Learning===

'''Tyler:''' I love a good wedding. Remember when Han Solo finally married Princess Leia? I gave them a food mixer.

===A Day to Remember===

:'''Janet''': He still remembers he's George Sunday; he's just forgotten he's Thermoman.

:'''Arnie''': So the world's lost a superhero but still has an Irish shopkeeper in Northolt?

==Series 4==

===A Sporting Chance===

:'''Ella''': You'll never guess what's happened!

: '''Stanley''': Your mother tried to kill me with a chainsaw.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Janet''': Dad, how are your cataracts?

:'''Stanley''': Well, when I look at your mother, she's just a blur! So they're not too bad really!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Janet persuades George to join Piers' Sunday league cricket team]''

:'''George''': Cricket? That's the one with the hoops?

:'''Janet''': No, that's croquet! Cricket's the one where you hit a ball with a bat and try to score runs.

:'''Arnie''': That's baseball!

:'''Janet''': Yes, but it's also cricket!

:'''George''': So, they're both the same?

:'''Janet''': No, in baseball they have a pitcher.

:'''George''': Pitcher, right. (He begins to write everything down on a notepad)

:'''Arnie''': Yeah, and if the batter swings and misses three times, it's three strikes, and he's out!

:'''George''': (Still writing) Three strikes, and he's out! This is all beginning to make sense now, Janet!

:'''Janet''': You're not playing baseball!

:'''George''': Then why are you telling me about it?

:'''Tyler''': Master, let me explain.

:'''Janet''': Thank you, Tyler!

:'''Tyler''': Cricket's different to baseball, because in cricket, you not only have a bat and a ball, but you also have also horses and leather-clad women with metal spikes!

:'''Janet''': No, you don't!!!!!

:'''Tyler''': You do in my version!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': Ah, George! Just the man! (He produces an envelope from his jacket) This is for you!

:'''George''': Oh, thank you, Piers! Is this the cheque for "man of the match"?

:'''Piers''': No, it's the bill for my car. Pay today, or I'll start charging interest!

:'''Janet''': Piers, aren't you forgetting something? George hit four sixes!

:'''Piers''': Oh, yes! (He produces another envelope and gives it to George) And this is the bill for the pavillion window.

:'''Janet''': I mean, he won you the game! Aw, you're not still upset that he played better than you?

:'''Piers''': I could have played professionally! ''(Smugly)'' The day I gave up cricket and became a doctor, a lot of people were very sad indeed!

:'''Janet''': Your patients, mainly!

:'''Piers''': I was the best player on that pitch! Besides, cricket's a team game! ''(Smugly again)'' George would never beat me in direct competition!

:'''Janet''': I think he can!

:'''Piers''': Ten quid says he won't! ''(He turns to George)'' What are you like at tennis?

:'''George''': Is that the one with the net?

:'''Piers''': ''(Back to Janet)'' How about twenty quid?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Janet''': Now, Piers, just keep telling yourself that.

:'''Piers''': You... You're right, Janet. I am not a loser... I... am not... a loser...

:'''George''': Hi, Piers! Fancy a game of golf, or even squash?

:'''Piers''': I AM a loser! I AM a loser!

===The Living Dead===

:'''George''': You are going to be so proud of me!

:'''Janet''': Why do those words always scare me?

:'''George''': I've got myself a pension, it's brilliant! The pension man said if I pay in until I'm 65, then they'll pay me for the rest of my life! That's 897 years!

:'''Janet''': ''(sarcastically)'' Fantastic!

:'''George''': Oh, and even better! I've got myself some life insurance!

:'''Janet''': George, there's no point! You'll never collect!

:'''George''': Oh, I will with this one! The way he explained it was like this: I pay them £100 a month, and then, if I fall under a bus, they pay you £60,000! So I paid him the £100, and I went straight out and fell under the first bus I could find! You can collect whenever you like!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[George was 'dead' for ten minutes and then came back to life. It turns out he has a heart defect which means both his hearts stop for a few minutes before starting up again]''

:'''Tyler''': Oh, master! You have died and come back to life! Truly you are like he who has gone before you!

:'''George''': Who's that then?

:'''Tyler''': [[E.T.]]!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[A man enters the health centre with a bump on his head]''

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Yeah, name?

:'''Man''': I know this might sound odd, but I'm afraid I don't know my name! I've just been mugged and I've lost my memory! Do you think I could see the doctor?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': You one of his patients?

:'''Man''': Well, I don't know! As I say, I've lost my memory!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Can't help you, then! Bye!

:''[The man exits, Janet and George enter]''

:'''Janet''': Oh dear, he didn't look too good!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Who, Mr. Davies? No, he didn't did he?

<hr width=50%/>

:''[after George has had a heart attack in the surgery waiting room]'':

:'''Piers''': Time of death 9:44. I really am very sorry.

:'''Mrs Raven''': Actually it's 9:42

:'''Piers''': It's 9:44

:'''Mrs Raven''': No, it's definately 9:42

:'''Ella''': I make it 9:51

:'''Mrs Raven''': Don't be stupid it's 9:42

:'''Ella''': Don't you call me stupid, it's 9:51

:'''Piers''': It's 9:44. Look George makes it 9:44

:'''Ella''': Janet, what time do you make it?

:'''Janet''': What?!

:'''Mrs Raven''': Well now it's 9:43

:''[Piers starts to imitate a chicken after being hypnotised]'':

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Janet’s parents are coming over to 'comfort' her over losing George when he 'dies' in front of everyone. George is lying in a coffin in the front room]''

:'''George''': Tyler, listen! Janet's parents will be here in a moment, and I need your help!

:'''Tyler''': I would do anything in the world for you, Master! Anything at all!

:'''George''': Good! Can you keep a secret?

:'''Tyler''': No.

:'''George''': Well, just try! The thing is, I'm pretending to be dead!

:'''Tyler''': You're not pretending very well, Master! I can see you moving!

:'''George''': No, no, I'm not pretending to you, I'm pretending to everyone else!

:'''Tyler''': They can see you moving as well!

:'''George''': Not the people in this room! I'm pretending to everyone not in this room!

:'''Tyler''': But they're not in this room!

:'''George''': No, but they will be!

:'''Tyler''': Oh, right!

:'''George''': So you all know I'm alive, but when Janet's parents turn up, what are you going to tell them?

:'''Tyler''': You're pretending to be dead!

:'''George''': No! I really am dead!

:'''Tyler''': You really are dead? So I'm hallucinating again?

:''[The doorbell rings. Janet goes to answer it.]''

:'''Janet''': They're here! Quick, lie down!

:'''George''': Arnie, explain it to him!

:'''Arnie''': Tyler, how can I explain this in a way you'll understand?

:''[A pause, then Arnie punches Tyler]''

:'''Arnie''': I can't!

===Taking the Credit===

:''[George and Janet are chronically in debt]''

:'''George''': I've solved our problem. I've consolidated all our debts into one easy payment!

:'''Janet''': Oh, no! Not with one of those companies that advertises on the telly!

:'''George''': No, no, Janet. I've heard all about them. That's why I went to this disused warehouse, and met a bloke called "Big Reg"!

:'''Janet''': What?

:'''George''': Now, we only have to pay £3,000...

:'''Janet''': That's brilliant!

:'''George''': ...a month, for the next ten years! It's all part of Big Reg's "Miss a payment, Lose a limb!" plan!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Tyler''': I used to be poor. Back when I were a farmer. Eventually, we got so poor, my mum sent me to market with our one remaining cow. So I took it to market, and on the way there I met a bloke who bought it off me for some magic beans! When I took them home, my mum was so furious she threw them out of the window...

:'''Janet''': No, don't tell me! When you woke up the next morning, they'd grown into a massive beanstalk!

:'''Tyler''': No! They weren't magic at all! What a swizz!

:'''George''': It's OK, if you paid for them with a credit card, you're automatically covered...

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Later on, Arnie suggests that to solve the family's financial 'crisis', Ollie should fix the numbers so they 'win' the lottery]''

:'''Tyler''': Don't do it! My life was hell when I won!

:'''Janet''': You won the lottery? What did you do with the money?

:'''Tyler''': I bought some more magic beans...

<hr width=50%/>

:''[At their celebration party]''

:'''George''': Tyler, I hope you liked those Ultronian magic beans I bought you. They really are magic, you know!

:'''Tyler''': Magic? They were delicious!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Janet''': Did you get rid of all those begging letters?

:'''George''': Yes. There was even one for you, Janet, asking for £5,000. But I just wrote back to them, and told them to get stuffed!

:'''Janet''': Well done!

:'''George''': By the way, who ''are'' the Inland Revenue?

:''[Janet's eyes widen]''

===It's All in the Mind===

:'''Tyler''': I raised money for charity for people with psychiatric problems. Like I said to Gandalf, the other day, there but for the grace of God.

<hr width=50%/>

:''(after George wants telepathy to check whether someone is lying or not)''

:'''Tyler''': Brilliant master, do it, do it.

:'''Janet''': You want him to know what you're thinking?

:'''Tyler''': Oh yeah, so he can tell me, 'cause I don't know what I'm thinking.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ''(thinking)'' What shall I do on Sunday? Oh, I know, I'll take Mum out. Take her on a nice drive down to Margate... and leave her there! I'll teach her to forget my birthday!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Stanley''': ''(thinking)'' The 5 iron's best i reckon, or maybe a 4. No, definately a 5. Hit her over the head with a five iron and then bury her under the patio

<hr width=50%/>

:''(after George has been told, thanks to his damning end of year report on humanity, that the Earth is to be destroyed in 22 hours, this shocks Janet, especially as George received an commendation for the quality of his report)''

:'''Janet''': BIG BLOODY DEAL! Blow up the earth?!

:'''George''': I thought they were overreacting, personally.

:'''Janet''': OVERREACTING?!

:'''George''': There's no need to shout, Janet.

:'''Janet''': OF COURSE I'll shout, they gonna blow up the earth!

:'''George''': I thought they'd just punish you in the usual way.

:'''Janet''': What do you mean?

:'''George''': Who do you think sent [[W: David Dickinson|David Dickinson]]?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George''': Look, it's not the end of the world. Oh, no, silly me, it is.

<hr width=50%/>

===Big===

:''(Mrs Raven has her head down, a patient is walking towards her)''

:'''Patient''': Excuse me

:''(Mrs Raven looks up, she looks bored)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': What?

:''(Patient is holding a small urine sample jar)''

:'''Patient''': The Doctor asked me for a sample

:''(Mrs Raven briefly looks at it before looking back at the Patient)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': You missed

:'''Patient''': It's just that I...can't go

:''(Mrs Raven's mood is getting more sinister, she is starting to give an evil smile)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': And you want something to help you?

:'''Patient''': Yeah

:''(Mrs Raven brings out a nasty looking device with a corkscrew at one end, this gives the Patient a large urge to go to the toilet, he runs to the toilet)''

:'''Patient''': Thanks!

<hr width=50%/>

:''(Ollie is suffering from accelerated growth, Arnie doesn't know what it is, after Tyler says it's Neptune Flu, Janet shouts at him)''

:'''Arnie''': Remember when I told about the Devil Women of Zytog?

:'''Tyler''': After mating, they rip off their men's heads and use them for fruit bowls.

:'''Arnie''': Pussy cats compared to a worried earth mom.

:''(Tyler looks at Janet with a concerned look)''

:'''Tyler''': Message Received.

<hr width=50%/>

:''(Dr Chelsea has told the others that Ollie's second heart has collapsed, unless she gets a transplant, she's dead, Dr Chelsea says that George is one of the compatile doners, George offers to give her one of his hearts)''

:'''Arnie''': Losing a heart has gotta affect your superpowers.

:'''Dr Chelsea''': he'll be able to deal with most emergancys as long as they happen within the M25.

:'''Arnie''': You're indespensible, how are you gonna feel if a disaster comes and loads of people are killed.

:'''Janet''': This is our daughter.

:'''George''': That's right, what's the point in saving the world, if I can't even save my own child.

:'''Arnie''': There might be another way, who's the other doner?

:''(Dr Chelsea checks her device)''

:'''Dr Chelsea''': You.

:'''Arnie''': You're not dispensible, go on! give her your heart!

:'''George''': Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to do it.

:'''Arnie''': You know I would but...I only got one heart.

:'''Janet''': What happened to your other one?.

:'''Arnie''': There was this poker game and the stakes got a little heavy and...I really DID leave my heart in San Francisco.

<hr width=50%/>

:''(after Arnie is apprehensive about replacing his heart with a mechanical one)''

:'''Janet''': What? A child dies? Earth loses it's greatest defender or you have to have an oil change every 10 billion beats?!

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Janet''': Olivia was lovely, but it's great to have my baby boy back (to Arnie) And how are you?

:'''Arnie''': Fine.
:''(A patient's mobile phone rings. Arnie vibrates on the spot)''
:'''Arnie''': Answer it! Answer it!
:''(turns back to George and Janet)''
:'''Arnie''': Dr. Chelsea said that'll stop happening in a day or two.

<hr width=50%/>

===Space Virus===

:''(After George, Janet, Arnie and Tyler have found out that Mrs Raven has become 'The Raven' and has just dumped Walt Disney World in the heart of Siberia)''

:'''Arnie''': Let's see if I've got this right, your parents have refused to do rescues in China?

:'''Janet''': They say it's full of Communists.

:'''George''': And the Raven just snatched all the nuns from the vatican and flew them to the late night floor show in Las Vegas

:'''Arnie''': Did they watch it?

:'''George''': WATCH it? they were IN it!

:'''Janet''': And this morning, she wizzed round to all the cinemas and swapped the last reel of Harry Potter for night of the living dead

:'''Tyler''': I thought Harry didn't look so good towards the end

===The Mayor of Northholt===

:''[Arnie is running George's campaign to be elected mayor, but Mrs. Raven is running Piers' campaign...]''

:'''Mrs. Raven''': How will you be voting in the election?

:'''Patient''': I don't know, I... I've not decided.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Well, put it this way. Those voting for Dr. Crispin will be seen within 20 minutes. "Don't know" is in 3 hours, and if you're voting for George Sunday, you're looking at Christmas 2012! Now, does that help you decide?

:'''Patient''': Yes, er, thank you!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Ella and Stanley go up to the reception desk]''

:'''Stanley''': I think we missed our turn again. We need some more sleeping pills. Something a bit stronger.

:'''Mrs. Raven''': But you've already had enough to kill a small rhinoceros!

:'''Stanley''': ''(looks at Ella)'' Nope, she's still standing.

:'''Ella''': Look, I've got a migraine now! I need something for that as well.

:'''Stanley''': And I need something for this earache!

:'''Ella:''' What brought that on?

:'''Stanley''': You moaning about your migraine!

:''[George enters with his election poster]''

:'''George''': Mrs. Raven, is it alright if I put up my poster?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Suit yourself...
:''(George goes to pin it up on top of Piers' poster)''
:'''Mrs. Raven''': Do you mind if I break both your legs?

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Arnie''': What we need is a slogan. Something that deals with the issues... Got it! "Piers has sex with badgers!"

:'''George''': Now, come on, Arnie, we can't prove that! Can we? I want a slogan that's truthful.

:'''Janet''': OK, how about "Trust me, I'm an alien?

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Arnie puts up a George poster in the street, but Mrs. Raven then pastes a Piers one over it.]''

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Outta my way, scumbag!

:'''Arnie''': Get lost, pitbull!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': This is my patch!

:'''Arnie''': Oh, yeah? Says who?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Says me and this 5 litre bucket of poster glue!

:'''Arnie''': It's ''you'' who's gonna get a pasting! You couldn't even run a bath, let alone a campaign, toadface!

:'''Mrs. Raven''': I haven't even started yet, bogbrain!

:''[She storms off. Arnie and Tyler watch her go.]''

:'''Tyler''': And they say the standard of political debate has gone down...

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Mrs. Raven threatens Arnie if George wins]''

:'''George''': She's up to something. Something we haven't thought of.

:'''Tyler''': Edible ballots... ''(gasps)'' She's gonna eat our votes!

:'''Arnie''': Don't be ridiculous!

:'''Tyler''': Well, it's something we hadn't thought of...

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Piers and George at th Mayor's debate]''

:'''Piers''': Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Mayorol Debate

:'''George''': Oh, I haven't heard so much rubbish in all me life

:'''Piers''': We haven't started yet

:'''George''': Oh? Sorry.

===Time and Time Again===

:'''George:''' We've had some terrible news. Apparently, the sun's spun out of orbit and we're all going to die.

:'''Mrs. Raven:''' Good, I hate this planet.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George:''' When I fixed your arm, you turned bald

:'''Janet:''' Attractively bald?

:'''George:''' You looked like TYLER!!!

:'''Tyler:''' That's lucky, you could have looked terrible.

<hr width=50%/>

==Series 5==

====Brain Drain====

:''(After Arnie reveals George and Janet's new computer which is connected to a large complex machine that is beyond Earth technology)''

:'''Janet''': Out of laptops were they?!

:'''Arnie''': Well, Your normal family computer is there, but you're not a normal family, so i thought i add some Ultronian accessories, you know, like extra processing power, Virtual Reality headsets, Laser death beam...

:'''Janet''': Laser death beam?

:'''Arnie''': You'll think of a use for it

:'''Janet''': I think i just have!

<hr width=50%/>

:''(Mrs Raven is finshing one of her usual calls)''

:'''Mrs Raven''': Goodbye!

:'''Janet''': Busy morning?

:'''Mrs Raven''': A succession of Nuisence calls, you know the sort of thing, ''"Help! my underpants are on fire!"'', been two ''death threats'' and even a ''bomb scare''.

:'''Janet''': Not much you can do.

:'''Mrs Raven''': I could stop making them, but then I'd just get bored.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''Piers''': Oh, it's that time of the year again.

:'''Mrs Raven''': You've CURED SOMEONE!

<hr width=50%/>

:''(After Piers tells Janet and Mrs Raven that Tyler is painting the waiting room of the health centre)''

:'''Janet''': Tyler, you're not trained as a decorator.

:'''Tyler''': I'm not trained as a nanny, but you let me look after your kids.

:'''Janet''': Yeah, but this is serious. You need to do a good job.

:'''Tyler''': I know, I know someone who does that decorating on the TV. He give me some tips.

:'''Janet''': Who do you know, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen?!

:'''Tyler''': No, the Dulux dog, we go out for drinks sometimes.

:'''Janet''': Right, and what tips did he give you.

:'''Tyler''': Eh, never sniff another dogs bottom without asking permission.

<hr width=50%/>

:''(After George tells Janet a ridiculous conspiracy theory after reading the entire internet)''

:'''Janet''': Most of those conspiracy theories are rubbish, George!

:'''George''': So, it's NOT true that aliens walk the earth in human form?

:'''Janet''': No, THAT'S true, you ARE one.

<hr width=50%/>

:''(Piers walks into the health centre and is disgusted by Tylers awful mural)''

:'''Piers''': What the HELL is that!

:'''Tyler''': This is a health centre, so I came up with a design that represents "sickness".

:'''Piers''': Well, it certainly does that, Tyler.

:'''Tyler''': Thank you.

:'''Piers''': It looks like you've vomited up the wall.

:'''Tyler''': Yeah, but that's only part of my tachnique.

:'''Piers''': GET RID OF IT!

:'''Tyler''': WHAT?!

:'''Piers''': You were meant to paint the walls "Harvest Yellow", not "Mucus Green".

:'''Tyler''': EVERYONES A CRITIC!

:'''Piers''': And you'd better finish it today, else I'll be practising medicine out of the back of the van outside some waste grounds and I don't want to go back to those days! THAT'LL make my patients sicker than when they came IN!

:'''Mrs Raven''': And that's your job.

:''(Paints a vertical green "St Andrews" cross on Peirs suit)''

<hr width=50%/>

:''(Janet, Tyler and Piers have had their brains filtered, but then the neuro-filtration device overloads as it is used on Mrs Raven)''

:'''George''': What's happened?

:'''Arnie''': Uh. Oh, I think I underestimated the amount of pure evil in Mrs Raven's brain

:''(Arnie believe the device is damaged beyond repair, is thankful that the others are filtered)''

:'''George''': Is everyone alright? okay, come on Janet, let's get you home.

:'''Janet (In Piers body)''': Okay.

:'''George''': What are you doing?

:'''Janet (In Piers body)''': Oh I'm tired George, let's have an early night.

:'''George''': What?!

:'''Janet (In Piers body)''': Actually, I'm not that tired, but we can have an early night anyway.

:''(looking at Janet's body)''

:'''George''': Are you alright?

:''(Janet's body has a scouce accent)''

:'''Tyler (in Janet's body)''': Fine, in fact I feel great, master.

:'''George''': Great, who?

:'''Tyler (in Janet's body)''': Master.

===Fear and Clothing===

:''[The doorbell rings. George goes to answer it.]''

:'''Cassie''': Uh oh! It's Tyler, everybody hide!

:'''Tyler''': Master, I bring terrible news! You know the Northholt Women's Institute? They've brought out one of those calendars! ''(He shows it to George)''

:'''George''': That's a bit silly! Someone should have told those women they've got no clothes on! And so close to that blender as well!

:'''Janet''': Isn't my mother in the WI?

:'''Tyler''': Yeah. Don't look at October! But look at tomorrow's date! It's Friday the 13th! The unluckiest date of all! If you walk under a ladder or past a black cat, terrible things will happen!

:'''George''': Oh, come on Tyler! Ladders and black cats! What else do we avoid on this Friday the 13th?

:'''Tyler''': Well, if you spill salt, you should always throw a bit over your shoulder!

:'''Janet''': Don't put new shoes on the table, avoid walking on the cracks in the pavement, that sort of thing.

:'''Tyler''': Don't make woodland animals out of marzipan.

:'''Janet''': What?

:'''Tyler''': Don't dance on linoleum, don't throw hedge clippings at sparrows, don't whistle within six foot of a carpet warehouse, and at all costs whatever else happens, don't play the trombone on a bus.

:'''Cassie''': I told you to hide!

<hr width=50%/>

:''[Piers has lauched a diet book and distributes it to his patients.]''

:'''Janet''': ''(To Mrs. Raven)'' I suppose you're in on this scam, are you?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': No, Janet! How could you think such a thing of me?

:'''Janet''': ''(Looking at the book)'' I suppose that means you're ''not'' the "Mrs. R." in this book who says she's lost 25lbs in one day?

:'''Mrs. Raven''': ''(Looking away)'' Might be.

:'''Janet''': That was the day your triplets were born, wasn't it?

:''[A pause]''

:'''Mrs. Raven''': Might have been.

<hr width=50%/>

:'''George''': What did they teach you at nurses school?

:'''Janet''': Well, from memory it went something like this: Get out of bed, you big wuss, you've only got a cut finger.

===Big Bother===

:'''Tyler''': Mistress, I need your help, I'm a bit scared!

:'''Janet''': Tyler, for the last time, you are '''not''' shrinking! Our children are ''growing'', that's why they seem bigger!

<hr width=50%/>

==Series 6==

===Top of the Table===

:''(Ella has gone into the nurses office, waiting for Stanley to join her in a game of "Doctors and nurses, while the health centre has become a speakeasy during Thermoman's "prohibition", both she and Stanley are drunk, Mrs Raven serves him some of her Homemade booze)''

:'''Stanley''': Give me another, my eyesight is coming back.

<hr width=50%/>

===Believe===

:''(George's head has just exploded, a failsafe to prevent him from getting too "Big-headed")''

:'''Janet''': It's hard to say but I think all the arrogance has gone.

:'''Arnie''': An exploding head can do that.

<hr width=50%/>

:''(after a selection of spare heads is shown to Janet, she notices that one is missing)''

:'''Janet''': There's one missing

:'''Tyler''': Oh please let me keep her, they must've sent her by mistake.

:'''Janet''': Isn't that Anne Robinson?

:'''Arnie''': Go on, take her, no one's gonna miss her.

:'''Tyler''': C'mon Anne, We'll have an early night, eh.

:''(Tyler take the "Anne Robinson" head with him)''

==Cast==
*[[w:Ardal O'Hanlon|Ardal O'Hanlon]] - Thermoman/George (Series 1-5)
*[[w:James Dreyfus|James Dreyfus]] - Thermoman/George (Series 6)
*[[w:Emily Joyce|Emily Joyce]] - Janet
*[[w:Hugh Dennis|Hugh Dennis]] - Dr. Piers Crispin
*[[w:Geraldine McNulty|Geraldine McNulty]] - Mrs. Raven
*[[w:Lou Hirsch|Lou Hirsch]] - Arnie
*[[w:Phillip Whitchurch|Phillip Whitchurch]] - Tyler
*[[w:Lill Roughley|Lill Roughley]] - Ella Dawkins
*[[w:Tim Wylton|Tim Wylton]] - Stanley Dawkins

==External links==
{{wikipedia|My Hero (UK TV series)}}
*{{imdb title|0233084|My Hero}}
*{{tv.com|3671|My Hero}}
*[http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/myhero/ ''My Hero''] at BBC Online

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-10T02:17:37Z

YKWSG: /* George Finds Love */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
:'''Henry''': God, I'm depressed.
:'''Dave''': How depressed? Quite depressed, suicidally depressed or Virgin Rail passenger?
:'''Henry''': Virgin Rail passenger who supports Man City and is married to [[w:Ann Widdecombe|Ann Widdecombe]].
:'''Dave''': Bloody hell!

=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-10T01:33:43Z

YKWSG: /* But is it Art? */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
:''George has returned from a short flight with Henry's niece''
:'''Dave''': And at what point did you mention your severe phobia of flying? And violent motion sickness?
:'''George''': Well, I didn't mention them. Not strictly speaking.
:'''Dave''': And were you okay?
:'''George''': Not strictly speaking. I filled up four of those containers, Sue's handbag and the hood of the pilot's anorak. And then we took off.

=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-10T01:24:46Z

YKWSG: /* Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Melissa''': The teenage masturbators of today are the television executives of tomorrow.

=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-10T00:25:07Z

YKWSG: /* Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
:''Damien is confident that his job is safe''
:'''Damien''': When a herd is being culled, they do not shoot the youngest, fittest male.
:'''Dave''': They might do, if that youngest and fittest male had just been discovered at a White House reception dressed in drag, in the hope that [[w:Bill Clinton|Clinton]] might make a pass at him.
:'''Damien''': It might have worked. He offered me a cigar.

=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-10T00:05:58Z

YKWSG: /* The Newsmakers */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
:'''Henry''': I'm obviously dim, but why are we bothering to interview Tom when he will simply repeat what I have said?
:'''Gus''': Yes, but he'll be repeating it live from the scene.
:'''Henry''': Why?
:'''Gus''': Because TV's a visual medium, for God's sake! If nothing's happening, you have to ''show'' it's not happening, live, as it doesn't happen. Do you know nothing about this business, man?

=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-08T00:46:00Z

YKWSG: /* The Path of True Love */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
:''George meets Helen's new partner Amanda, who works as a dispatch rider''
:'''George''': Must be hard work spending all day on a great big motor-dyke.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''After telling Helen that all homosexual relationships are abhorrent to Nature, Sally is caught in breach of contract''
:'''Helen''': Well, Sally, abhorrent as it is to my nature, I feel I must submit to an ''overwhelming'' biological imperative...to fine your heterosexual tits off!

=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-07T22:06:55Z

YKWSG: /* Damien and the Weather Girl */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===
:''Everyone seems to know about Henry's impotence''
:'''Dave''': How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence!
:'''Helen''': Yeah, well, I just told Joy in confidence.
:'''Joy''': Yeah, well, I just told ''the office'' in confidence.

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-07T20:42:04Z

YKWSG: /* Henry's Autobiography */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===
:''The National Lottery''
:'''Dave''': What a wonderful symbol of what our society has become(!) There is a fourteen million to one chance of hitting the jackpot, and people are flocking round newsagents like Tory MPs round an arms dealer. And at the centre of it all: [[w:Noel Edmonds|Noel bloody Edmonds]], poncing about like some hideous cross between God and [[w:Peter Stringfellow|Peter Stringfellow]], while people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen to pull the handle that operates the machine that selects the balls that will make ''somebody else'' rich!
:'''Damien''': So you didn't win anything, then.
:'''Dave''': No.

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-07T20:12:39Z

YKWSG: /* No More Mr Nice Guy */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
:'''George''': If you can't stand the kitchen...get out of it.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': Filling in these lottery tickets is harder than I thought. I was going to use the number of times I had sex last month, but the ticket only goes up to 49. ''(laughs)''
:'''Joy''': Try limiting it to the number of times there was someone else there.

=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Drop the Dead Donkey

2014-03-07T17:08:33Z

YKWSG: /* Helen's Parents */

'''''[[w:Drop the Dead Donkey|Drop the Dead Donkey]]''''' (1990-98) is a television sitcom created for [[w:Channel 4|Channel 4]] by [[w:Andy Hamilton|Andy Hamilton]] and [[w:Guy Jenkin|Guy Jenkin]].

==Series 1 (1990)==
=== ''A New Dawn'' ===
=== ''Sally's Arrival'' ===
=== ''A Clash of Interests'' ===
=== ''A Blast from the Past'' ===
=== ''Old Father Time'' ===
=== ''Sex, Lies and Audiotape'' ===
=== ''The New Approach'' ===
=== ''The Root of All Evil'' ===
=== ''Death, Disaster "N" Damien'' ===
=== ''The Big Day'' ===

==Series 2 (1991)==
=== ''The Gulf Report'' ===
=== ''The Trevorman Cometh'' ===
=== ''Henry & Dido'' ===
=== ''Baseball'' ===
=== ''Drunk Minister'' ===
=== ''Alex and the Interpreter'' ===
=== ''Hoax'' ===
=== ''Don't Mention the Arabs'' ===
=== ''Damien Down and Out'' ===
=== ''The Evangelist'' ===
=== ''George's Daughter'' ===
=== ''Dave's Day'' ===
=== ''Xmas Party'' ===

==Series 3 (1993)==
=== ''In Place of Alex'' ===
=== ''Sally's Accountant'' ===
:''Helen raises the question as to whether attending editorial meetings is an effective use of Gus's time''
:'''Gus''': You see, I have a very important function in those meetings.
:'''Helen''': Good. And that is?
:'''Gus''': Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on, overviewing, non-participatory, sort of hands-off...I'll get back to you on this. Terrific, Helen. You keep up the good work! ''(mutters)'' Cunning bitch.
=== ''Henry's Lost Love'' ===
=== ''Helen'll Fix It'' ===
=== ''Sally's Libel'' ===
=== ''Lady Merchant'' ===
:'''Lady Caroline''': It's alright, Gus. I know you haven't done this sort of thing very often. If ever. That's why I like you.
:'''Gus''': You see, when it comes to sexual interfacing with the female gender group, I've always been caution-orientated due to ongoing problems of an adaptive nature, regarding the gooeyness factor on the physical front.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Gus''': Yes, this is absolutely ridiculous. This sexual harassment must stop now. I mean it, Henry. How dare anyone in this office use their power and influence to make sexual advances to these poor, terrified mesmerized, sexually inexperienced men. And women. And I hope that's clear. Anyway, just a thought.

=== ''The New Newsreader'' ===
:'''Henry''': We've started an office limerick competition. The person who comes up with the most offensively amusing ditty about our ''beloved'' proprietor, Sir Royston, wins a bottle of finest [[w:Moët & Chandon|Moet Chandon]].
:'''Jill''': Great. Sounds like fun.
:'''Joy''': Well, I've got one.
:'''Henry''': Good.
:'''Joy''': ''(reads)''
::Sir Royston's a horrible bastard.
::I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
::I'd like to shoot him,
::Then smash his head in,
::'Cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard.

=== ''Joy'' ===
=== ''Paintball'' ===
:'''Helen''': We seem to be out of milk.
:'''Joy''': Correction: you coffee-drinkers are out of milk. We tea-drinkers have our own milk kitty now.
:'''Dave''': How will we know which is your milk?
:'''Joy''': Easy. It's the one with "Hands off, you coffee-drinking bastards" written on it.
=== ''George and his Daughter'' ===
=== ''Awards'' ===
:'''Gus''': Good to see you. Hard luck. I voted for you, mate. We must have lunch sometime.
:'''[[w:Neil Kinnock|Neil Kinnock]]''': Yes, sure. ''(turns away)'' I'd rather have smallpox.

==Series 4 (1994)==
=== ''The Undiscovered Country'' ===
:'''Sally''': I never realised this novel had such bad language in it.
:'''Helen''': Whose is it?
:'''Sally''': Mine! I knew I should've read it before it went to the publishers.

=== ''Quality Time'' ===
=== ''The Day of the Mum'' ===
=== ''Births and Deaths'' ===
=== ''Helen's Parents'' ===
:'''Gus''': We need a rapid interface in the chin-wag department. I understand Sally is...with child.
:'''Helen''': She told you?
:'''Gus''': No, I read the graffiti in the lift.
<hr width=50%/>
:'''Henry''': They're not unemployed any more; they're "job seekers". Presumably we don't have homeless; we have "accommodation seekers". We don't have NHS queues; we have "bed seekers". We don't have [[w:Peter Lilley|Peter Lilley]]; we have a "smack-in-the-mouth seeker"!

=== ''Sally in TV Times'' ===
=== ''Crime Time'' ===
=== ''No More Mr Nice Guy'' ===
=== ''Henry's Autobiography'' ===

=== ''The Strike'' ===
=== ''The Wedding'' ===
=== ''Damien and the Weather Girl'' ===

==Series 5 (1996)==
=== ''Inside the Asylum'' ===
=== ''The Godless Society'' ===
=== ''The Bird of Doom'' ===
=== ''What Are Friends For?'' ===
=== ''The Path of True Love'' ===
=== ''George's Car'' ===
=== ''Charnley in Love'' ===
=== ''Henry's Diary'' ===
=== ''Dave and Diana'' ===
=== ''Luck'' ===
=== ''The Graveyard Shift'' ===
=== ''Sex "N" Death'' ===

==Series 6 (1998)==
=== ''The Newsmakers'' ===
=== ''Beasts, Badgers and Bombshells'' ===
=== ''The Diaries'' ===
=== ''But is it Art?'' ===
=== ''George Finds Love'' ===
=== ''A Bit of an Atmosphere'' ===
=== ''The Final Chapter'' ===

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]