Wikiquote - User contributions [en]

Strictly Ballroom

2024-04-18T05:11:44Z

Sketchmoose: why on earth were all the character names changed around; rm some WP links to nonexistent pages

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Strictly Ballroom|Strictly Ballroom]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992]] [[w:Australia|Australian]] [[w:Romantic comedy film|romantic comedy film]] about Scott Hastings, a championship ballroom dancer who wants to dance non-Federation steps and his unlikely dance partner, Fran, a seemingly plain and ordinary dancing student.
:''Directed by [[w:Baz Luhrmann|Baz Luhrmann]]. Written by [[w:Baz Luhrmann|Baz Luhrmann]], [[w:Andrew Bovell|Andrew Bovell]] and [[w:Craig Pearce|Craig Pearce]], adapted from the short [[w:1986|1986]] play of the same name.''
{{center|'''A life lived in fear... is a life half lived''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}}

== Doug Hastings ==
* We had the chance but we were scared. We walked away. WE LIVED OUR LIVES IN FEAR!

* Shall we dance?

== Scott Hastings ==
* We're telling a story. The rumba is the dance of love. Look at me like you're in love. ''[Fran follows this instruction perhaps a little too enthusiastically]'' That's it. Good.

== Other ==
* '''Fran''': A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

* '''Barry Fife''': ''[referring to Ken Railings]'' Let's not forget, Les, that a Pan Pacific Champion becomes a hero, a guiding light to all dancers, someone who'll set the right example.

* '''Barry Fife''': If you can't dance a step, you can't teach it, and if you can't teach it - we might as well all pack up and go home. With young Liz available again, you've got a chance to get your status quo vadis back... so to speak.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Liz''': What do I want? I'll tell you what I want! I want Ken Railings to walk in here right now, and say "Pam Short’s broken both her legs, and I want to dance with you!"
:''[We witness Pam Short in a car accident. Then the door flies open, and Ken walks into the dance studio.]''
:'''Ken''': Pam Short’s broken both her legs, and I want to dance with you.
:'''Kylie''': That was unexpected.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Scott''': Look, a beginner has no right to approach an Open Amateur.
:'''Fran''': Yeah, well an Open Amateur has no right to dance non-Federation steps, but you did, didn't you?
:'''Scott''': But that's different.
:'''Fran''': ''How'' is it different? You're just like the rest of them! You think you're different, but you're not, because you're just, you're just really scared! You're really scared to give someone new a go, because you think, you know, they might just be better than you are! Well, you're just pathetic, and you're gutless. You're a gutless wonder! ''[shouting]'' ''Vivir con miedo, es como vivir a medias!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Barry''': Where do you think we'd be if everyone went around making up their own steps?
:'''Scott''': Out of a job.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Shirley Hastings''': And what about Les? He's taught you everything you know and you're just throwing it back in his face!
:'''Scott''': I'm bored with it!
:'''Shirley Hastings''': I don't believe I'm hearing this! I have been with your father for twenty-five years—do you think I get bored? Of course I do!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wayne''': What's wrong with you?
:'''Scott''': That's what I've been trying to find out for the last three weeks, Wayne! What is wrong with me? What is so wrong with the way I dance?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Fran''': What happened to a life lived in fear and all that stuff?
:'''Scott''': Fran...
:'''Fran''': You really are a gutless wonder!
:'''Scott''': There's a reason for this.
:'''Fran''': I don't want to hear!
:'''Scott''': Listen to me!
:'''Fran''': No!
:'''Scott''': It's hard for me too, Fran.
:'''Fran''': ''Hard''? Hard? How hard do you think it's been for ''me''? To get you to dance with me in the first place? Frangipannidellasqueegymop. Wash the coffee cups, Fran, how's your skin, Fran? Hard?
:'''Scott''': You don't understand.
:'''Fran''': I understand. You've got your Pan Pacifics to win, and I'm back in Beginners, where I belong.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Scott''': Liz...
:'''Liz''': Piss off!
:'''Scott''': Liz!
:'''Liz''': Get away from me! I'm not dancing with you, all right? I'm not dancing with you 'til you dance like you're supposed to!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Paul Mercurio|Paul Mercurio]] — Scott Hastings
* [[w:Tara Morice|Tara Morice]] — Fran
* [[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] — Barry Fife
* [[w:Pat Thomson|Pat Thomson]] — Shirley Hastings
* [[w:Gia Carides|Gia Carides]] — Liz Holt
* [[w:Peter Whitford|Peter Whitford]] — Les Kendall
* [[w:Barry Otto|Barry Otto]] — Doug Hastings
* John Hannan — Ken Railings
* [[w:Sonia Kruger|Sonia Kruger]] — Tina Sparkle
* [[w:Kris McQuade|Kris McQuade]] — Charm Leachman
* Pip Mushin — Wayne Burns
* Leonie Page — Vanessa Cronin
* Antonio Vargas — Rico
* [[w:Steve Grace|Steve Grace]] — Luke
* [[w:Lauren Hewett|Lauren Hewett]] — Kylie Hastings
* Kerry Shrimpton — Pam Short

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0105488|title=Strictly Ballroom}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1045568|title=Strictly Ballroom}}

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:1990s Australian films]]
[[Category:Romantic comedy films]]
[[Category:Dance films]]
[[Category:Films set in Australia]]
[[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]]
[[Category:Films based on plays]]

User:Sketchmoose

2024-04-18T04:38:22Z

Sketchmoose:

{{userboxtop|align=right|bordercolor=#f9f9f9|toptext=}}
{{User en}}
{{User la-2}}
{{userboxbottom}}

I tend to make typos in my edit summaries, which annoys me.

I am also [[w:User:Sketchmoose|Sketchmoose]] on [[w:Main Page|Wikipedia]].

== To Do ==
* Cleanup [[The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)]] - [[Wikiquote:Templates/Theatre]], [[User:Sketchmoose/Sandbox]]
:Fresh quotes (current aren't the best available), published script or taped performance?, which formatting template to follow?
* [[The Shop Around the Corner]]
* [[The Trouble with Harry]]
* [[Connie Willis]]
* [[All Creatures Great and Small]]
* [[How to Steal a Million]]
* [[Review]] / [[Review (TV series)]]

List of television shows (A–H)

2024-04-11T01:08:37Z

Sketchmoose: /* G */ moved to "created" section

__NOTOC__

This is a '''list of television shows:'''

----
[[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]]

==Existing==
===#===
*''[[10 Things I Hate About You (TV series)|10 Things I Hate About You]]''
*''[[100,The]]''
*''[[1000 Ways to Die]]''
*''[[101 Dalmatians]]'' (Removed)
*''[[18 to Life]]
*''[[1923 (TV series)|1923]]''
*''[[2gether]]''
*''[[24 (TV series)|24]]''
*''[[2 Broke Girls]]''
*''[[2 Stupid Dogs]]''
*''[[3 South]]''
*''[[30 Rock]]''
*''[[3-2-1 Contact]]''
*''[[3-2-1 Penguins!]]''
*''[[3rd Rock from the Sun]]''
*''[[The 4400|4400, The]]''
*''[[60 Minutes]]''
*''[[6teen]]
*''[[7th Heaven]]''
*''[[7 Days]]''
*''[[8 Simple Rules]]'' (aka ''8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter'')
*''[[8th & Ocean]]''
*''[[9JKL]]''
*''[[90210]]''
*''[[11/22/63]]''

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
*''[[Aaahh!!! Real Monsters]]''
*''[[A Bear's Tail]]''
*''[[A Bit of Fry and Laurie]]''
*''[[A Black Lady Sketch Show]]''
*''[[A Christmas Carol]]''
*''[[A Current Affair]]''
* [[A Day with SpongeBob Squarepants]]
*''[[A Series Of Unfortunate Events (Netflix)]]''
*''[[Abbott Elementary]]''
*''[[Abby's]]''
*''[[Absolutely Fabulous]]''
*''[[Adam-12]]''
*''[[Adventures of Black Beauty]]''
*''[[Adventure Time]]'' (Removed)
*''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Lano and Woodley|Adventures of Lano and Woodley, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends|Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police|Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Sir Lancelot|Adventures of Sir Lancelot, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of the Little Prince]]''
*''[[Aeon Flux]]''
*''[[Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.]]''
*''[[ALF]]''
*''[[Alias]]''
*''[[All Grown Up]]''
*''[[All in the Family]]''
*''[[All Of Us Are Dead]]''
*''[[All That]]''
*''[['Allo 'Allo!]]''
*''[[Ally McBeal]]''
*''[[Alice In Borderland]]''
*''[[Almost Heroes (TV series)|Almost Heroes]]''
*''[[Almost Human]]''
*''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (1983 TV series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''
*''[[The Alvin Show]]''
*''[[The Amanda Show|Amanda Show, The]]''
*''[[Amazing Race]]''
*''[[The Amazing World Of Gumball|Amazing World of Gumball, The]]''
*''[[Amen (TV series)]]''
*''[[America's Next Top Model]]''
*''[[American Crime Story]]''
*''[[American Dad!]]''
*''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (Removed)
*''[[American Dreams]]''
*''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]''
*''[[America's Test Kitchen: The Next Generation]]''
{{Col-2}}
*''[[American Horror Stories]]''
*''[[American Horror Story]]''
*''[[Ancient Impossible]]''
*''[[Andromeda (TV series)|Andromeda]]''
*''[[Andy Barker, P.I.]]''
*''[[And Just Like That]]''
*''[[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy Griffith Show, The]]''
*''[[Angel (TV series)|Angel]]''
*''[[Angel Beats!]]''
*''[[Angelina Ballerina (TV series)|Angelina Ballerina]]''
*''[[Angelina Ballerina: The Next Steps]]''
*''[[The Angry Beavers|Angry Beavers, The]]''
*''[[Angry Grandpa|Angry Grandpa]]''
*''[[Animal Control (TV series)|Animal Control]]''
*''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993)
*''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020)
*''[[Anne With an E]]''
*''[[A.N.T. Farm|A.N.T Farm]]'' (Removed)
*''Ant & Dec's Saturday NightTakeaway''
*''[[AP Bio]]''
*''[[Apple & Onion]]''
*''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''
*''[[Arcane]]''
*''[[Archer (2009 TV series)|Archer]]''
* ''[[Archive 81]]''
*''[[Are You Being Served?]]''
*''[[Are You There, Chelsea?]]''
*''[[Army Wives]]''
*''[[Arrested Development]]''
*''[[Arrow]]''
*''[[Arthur]]''
*''[[Ash vs. Evil Dead]]''
*''[[Ashes to Ashes]]''
*''[[Athini Escape Death]]''
*''[[Atlanta]]''
*[[The A Team|''A Team'', ''The'']]
*[[The Atom Ant Show|''Atom Ant Show'', ''The'']]
*''[[Atomic Betty]]''
*''[[Atypical]]''
*''[[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet]]''
*''[[Austin & Ally]]''
*''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''
*''[[Awkwafina is Nora from Queens]]''
*''[[Awkward (TV series)|Awkward]]''
*''[[Axe Cop (TV series)|Axe Cop]]''
*''[[Azur Lane: The Animation ]](Anime)''
*[[Americas Test Kitchen]]
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-3}}
*''[[B Positive]]''
*''[[Babar (TV Series)|Babar]]''
*''[[Baby Blues (U.S. TV series)|Baby Blues]]''
*''[[Baby Looney Tunes|Baby Looney Tunes]]''
*''[[Baby Shark's Big Show!]]''
*''[[Babylon 5]]''
*''[[Back at the Barnyard]]''
*''[[Band of Brothers]]''
*''[[Barney & Friends (TV series)|Barney & Friends]]''
*''[[Barney & Friends: Pledge Drive Version]]''
*''[[Barney Miller]]''
*''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' (1966)
*''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]''
* ''[[The Batman (TV series)|Batman, The]]''
*''[[Battlestar Galactica (1978)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' (1978)
*''[[Battlestar Galactica (2003)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' (2003)
*''[[Bear in the Big Blue House]]''
*''[[Beast Wars]]''
*''[[Beauty and the Beast (1987 TV series)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1987)
*''[[Beauty and the Geek]]''
*''[[Beavis and Butt-Head]]''
*''[[Becker (TV series)|Becker]]''
*''[[Beetlejuice (TV show)|Beetlejuice]]''
*''[[Being Erica]]''
*''[[Being Human]]''
*''[[Believe]]'' (2014)
*''[[Belle and Sebastian]]''
*''[[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2005)
*''[[Ben 10 (2016 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2016)
*''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]''
*''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]''
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''
*[[The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|''Berenstain Bears'', ''The'']] (1985)
*[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|''Berenstain Bears'', ''The'']] (2003)
*''[[Berserk (anime)|Berserk]]''
* ''[[Better Call Saul]]''
*''[[Beverly Hills, 90210]]''
*''[[Beware the Batman]]''
*''[[Bewitched]]''
*[[The Big Bang Theory|''Big Bang Theory'', ''The'']]
*''[[Big City Greens]]''
*''[[Big Love]]''
*''[[Big Shots (TV series)|Big Shots]]''
*''[[Big Sky (American TV series)|Big Sky]]''
* [[The Bill Engvall Show|''Bill Engvall Show'', ''The'']]
*''[[Bill Nye the Science Guy]]''
*''[[Birdgirl (TV series)|Birdgirl]]''
*''[[Birds of a Feather]]''
*[[A Bit Of Fry And Laurie|''Bit Of Fry And Laurie'', ''A'']]
*[[Bizaardvark]]
*''[[Black Books]]''
*''[[Black Butler]]''
*[[The Black Donnellys|''Black Donnellys'', ''The'']]
*''[[Blackadder]]''
*''[[Blake's 7]]''
*''[[Blacklist]]''
*''[[Bleach (manga)|Bleach]]''
* ''[[Blood+]]''
* ''[[Blown Away]]''
*''[[Blue Bloods]]''
*''[[Blue Heelers]]''
*''[[Bluey]] ''
*''[[Boardwalk Empire]]''
*''[[Bob Hearts Abishola]]''
*''[[Bob the Builder]]''
*''[[Bob's Burgers]]''
*''[[Boohbah]]''
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Bob the Builder]]''
*''[[Bogan Hunters]]''
*''[[BoJack Horseman]]''
*''[[Bones (TV series)|Bones]]''
*''[[Bookie (TV series)|Bookie]]''
*[[The Boondocks (2005 TV series)|''Boondocks'', ''The'']] (2005)
*''[[Bordertown (American TV series)|Bordertown]]''
* ''[[The Borgias|Borgias, The]]''
*''[[Boston Legal]]''
*''[[Boston Public]]''
*''[[Bottom (TV series)|Bottom]]''
*''[[Boy Meets World]]''
*''[[Boys Over Flowers]]''
*[[The Brady Bunch|''Brady Bunch'', ''The'']]
*''[[Brainiac: Science Abuse]]''
*''[[Brandy and Mr.whiskers]]''
*''[[Brass Eye]]''
*''[[Breaking Bad]]''
*''[[Brickleberry]]''
*''Britain's Got Talent''
*[[The Bridge (2013 TV series)|''Bridge'', ''The'']] (2013)
*''[[Bridgerton]]''
* ''[[Broke (2020 TV series)|Broke]]'' (2020)
* ''[[Brooklyn Nine-Nine]]''
*''[[Brotherhood (2006 TV series)|Brotherhood]]'' (2006)
*''[[Brothers & Sisters (2006 TV series)|Brothers & Sisters]]''(2006)
*''[[Bugs Bunny Builders]]''(2022)
*''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]''
*''[[Bunheads]]''
*''[[Bunsen Is a Beast]]''
*''[[Burn Notice (TV series)|Burn Notice]]''
*''[[Butterbean's Cafe]]''
*''[[Buzz Lightyear of Star Command]]''
*''[[The_Buzz_on_Maggie|Buzz on Maggie, The]]'' (Removed)
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Californication (TV series)|Californication]]''
* ''[[Call Me Kat]]''
* ''[[Call Your Mother]]''
* ''[[Camelot (TV series)|Camelot]]''
* ''[[Camp Lazlo]]''
* ''[[Cannon]]''
* ''[[Capitol Critters]]''
* ''[[Cardcaptor Sakura]]''
* ''[[The Care Bears (TV series)|Care Bears, The]]''
* ''[[Cartoon Planet]]''
* ''[[Carnivàle]]''
* ''[[Castle (TV series)|Castle]]''
* ''[[Castlevania (TV series)|Castlevania]]''
* ''[[CatDog]]''
* ''[[ChalkZone]]''
* ''[[Chappelle's Show]]''
* ''[[The Chaser's War On Everything|Chaser's War On Everything, The]]''
* ''[[Peanuts|Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show, The]]''
* ''[[Chaotic (TV series)|Chaotic]]''
* ''[[Charmed (TV series)|Charmed]]''
* ''[[Cheap Seats]]''
* ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]''
* ''[[Chef!]]''
* ''[[Chicago Fire (TV series)|Chicago Fire]]''
* ''[[Chicago Med]]''
* ''[[Chestnut: Hero of Central Park]]''
* [[Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The]]
* ''[[China Beach]]''
* ''[[China, IL]]''
* ''[[Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers]]''
* ''[[Chowder|Chowder]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Chuck (TV series)|Chuck]]''
* ''[[Circle, the]]''
* ''[[The Class (TV series)|Class, The]]''
* ''[[The Cleaning Lady|Cleaning Lady, The]]''
* ''[[Clerks: The Animated Series]]''
* ''[[The Cleveland Show|Cleveland Show, The]]''
* ''[[Clone High]]''
* ''[[The Closer|Closer, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* [[Coconut Fred’s Fruit Salad Island]]
* ''[[Code Geass]]''
* ''[[Code Lyoko]]''
* ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door]]''
* ''[[The Colbert Report|Colbert Report, The]]''
* ''[[Cold Case]]''
* ''[[Columbo]]''
* ''[[Community (TV series)|Community]]''
* ''[[The Conners|Conners, The]]''
* ''[[Connecting (TV series)|Connecting]]''
* ''[[Constantine (TV series)|Constantine]]''
* ''[[Cops]]''
* ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]''
* ''[[Corner Gas]]''
* ''[[Coronation Street]]''
* ''[[The Cosby Show|Cosby Show, The]]''
* ''[[Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]''
* ''[[Cougar Town]]''
* ''[[Count Duckula]]''
* ''[[Coupling (TV series)|Coupling]]''
* ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]''
* ''[[Covert Affairs]]''
* ''[[Cow and Chicken]]''
* ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]''
* ''[[Crayon Shin-chan]]''
* ''[[The Crazy Ones|Crazy Ones, The]]''
* ''[[Criminal Minds]]''
* ''[[Crossing Jordan]]''
* ''[[Crusade (TV series)|Crusade]]''
* ''[[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]]''
* ''[[CSI: Miami]]''
* ''[[CSI: NY]]''
* ''[[Cupid (TV series)|Cupid]]''
* ''[[Curb Your Enthusiasm]]''
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dad's Army]]''
* [[The Daily Show|''Daily Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dallas (2012 TV series)|Dallas]]'' (2012)
* ''[[Damages (TV series)|Damages]]''
* ''[[Dan Vs.]]''
* ''[[Danger Force]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Danger Mouse (TV series)|Danger Mouse]]''
* ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Daredevil (TV series)|Daredevil]]''
* ''[[Daria]]''
* ''[[Dark (TV series)|Dark]]''
* ''[[Dark Angel]]''
* ''[[Dark Shadows (1991 TV series)|Dark Shadows]]'' (1991)
* ''[[Darkwing Duck]]''
* ''[[Dave the Barbarian]]''
* ''[[Da Vinci's Demons]]''
* ''[[Dawson's Creek]]''
* [[The Day Today|''Day Today'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dead Like Me]]''
* ''[[Dead Ringers]]''
* ''[[Deadwood (TV series)|Deadwood]]''
* ''[[Death Note]]''
* ''[[Dennis the Menace]]''
* ''[[Degrassi: The Next Generation]]''
* ''[[Designing Women]]''
* ''[[Desperate Housewives]]''
* ''[[Detective Conan]]''
* ''[[Dexter (TV series)|Dexter]]''
* ''[[Dharma & Greg]]''
* [[The Dick Van Dyke Show|''Dick Van Dyke Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[DirecTV Now]]''
* ''[[Digimon]]''
* ''[[Dilbert (TV series)|Dilbert]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dinosaurs (TV series)|Dinosaurs]]''
* ''[[Dirty Jobs]]''
* ''[[Dirty Sexy Money]]''
* ''[[Disenchantment (TV series)|Disenchantment]]''
* ''[[Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears]]''
* ''[[Doctor Who]]''
* ''[[Dollhouse (TV series)|Dollhouse]]''
* ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]''
* ''[[Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23]]''
* ''[[Doogie Howser, M.D.]]''
* ''[[Dorothy the Dinosaur TV Series 3]]''
* ''[[Doug]]''
* ''[[Downton Abbey]]''
* ''[[Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball Z]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball GT]]''
* ''[[Dragon Hunters]]''
* ''[[Detention (TV series)|Detention]]''
* ''[[Draft Games]]''
* ''[[Dragnet]]''
* ''[[Drake & Josh]]''
* ''[[Drawn Together]]''
* [[The Drew Carey Show|''Drew Carey Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Duck Dodgers (TV series)|Duck Dodgers]]''
* ''[[Duck Dynasty]]''
* ''[[Duckman]]''
* ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987)
* ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017) (Removed)
* ''[[Duel Masters]]''
* ''[[Due South]]''
* [[The Dukes of Hazzard|''Dukes of Hazzard'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dungeons & Dragons (TV series)|Dungeons & Dragons]]''
* ''[[Durarara!!]]''
* ''[[ Dance Moms!!]]''
{{Col-end}}

===E===
* ''[[Earth 2]]''
* ''[[East New York (TV series)|East New York]]''
* ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy]]''
* ''[[Endangered Species (TV series)]]''
* ''[[End of the F**king World, the]]''
* ''[[Elliott from Earth]]''
* ''[[Elliot Moose (1999 TV series)]]''
* ''[[Elite]]''
* ''[[Elsbeth (TV series)|Elsbeth]]''
* ''[[Emergency!]]''
* ''[[Euphoria]]''
* ''[[Everybody Hates Chris]]''
* ''[[Everybody Loves Raymond]]''
* ''[[Everything Sucks]]''
* ''[[Everwood]]''
* ''[[Extended Family (TV series)|Extended Family]]''
* ''[[Extreme Make Over Home Edition]]''

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents]]''
* ''[[Fairy Tail]]''
* ''[[Falling Skies]]''
* ''[[Family Guy]]''
* ''[[Family Matters]]''
* ''[[The Fantastic Journey]]''
* ''[[Father Ted]]''
* ''[[Family Ties]]''
* ''[[Fawlty Towers]]''
* ''[[FBI (TV series)|FBI]]''
* ''[[Felicity (TV series)|Felicity]]''
* ''[[Fillmore!]]''
* ''[[Fire Country]]''
* ''[[Firefly (TV series)|Firefly]]''
* ''[[The Flash (2014 TV series)|The Flash]]'' (2014)
* ''[[FLCL]]''
* ''[[Fleabag]]''
* ''[[Flight of the Conchords (TV series)|Flight of the Conchords]]''
* [[The Flintstones|''Flintstones'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Forever Knight]]''
* [[The Forgotten (TV series)|''Forgotten'', ''The'']]
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]''
* ''[[Four Star Playhouse]]''
*''[[Four Weddings]]''
* ''[[Frasier|Frasier (1993)]]''
* ''[[Frasier (2023 TV series)|Frasier (2023)]]''
* ''[[Freakazoid!]]''
* ''[[Freaks and Geeks]]''
* [[The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air|''Fresh Prince of Bel-Air'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Fridays (TV series)|Fridays]]''
* ''[[Friday Night Lights (TV series)|Friday Night Lights]]''
* ''[[Friday the 13th: The Series]]''
* ''[[Friends (TV series)|Friends]]''
* ''[[Fringe]]''
* ''[[Fraidy Cat]]''
* ''[[Frisky Dingo]]''
* ''[[Frontline (Australian TV series)|Frontline]]''
* ''[[Fruits Basket]]''
* ''[[Full House]]''
*''[[Fuller House]]''
* ''[[Fullmetal Alchemist]]''
* ''[[Futurama]]''
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[G.I. Joe Extreme]]''
* ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''
* ''[[Garfield and Friends]]''
* ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)|Gargoyles]]''
* ''[[Gary the Rat]]''
* ''[[Gavin & Stacey]]''
* ''[[Generator Rex]]''
* ''[[George Lopez (TV series)|George Lopez]]''
* ''[[Generation Kill (TV series)|Generation Kill]]''
* ''[[Get Smart]]''
* ''[[Ghost Adventures]]''
* ''[[Ghost Hunters]]''
* ''[[Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex]]''
* ''[[Ghost Whisperer]]''
* ''[[Ghostbusters (1986 TV series)|Ghostbusters]]''
* ''[[Ghosts (American TV series)|Ghosts US]]''
* ''[[Gilligan's Island]]''
* ''[[Gilmore Girls]]''
* ''[[Gimme Gimme Gimme]]''
* ''[[Gin Tama]]''
* ''[[Girlfriends]]''
* ''[[Girl Meets World]]''
* ''[[Girls5eva]]''
* ''[[GLOW (TV series)|GLOW]]''
* ''[[Glee (TV series)|Glee]]''
* ''[[The Golden Girls|Golden Girls, The]]''
* ''[[The Golden Palace|Golden Palace, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Goodies (TV series)|Goodies, The]]''
* ''[[The Good Fight|Good Fight, The]]''
* ''[[Good Luck Charlie]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Good Place|Good Place, The]]''
* ''[[The Good Wife (TV series)|Good Wife, The]]''
* ''[[Good Sam]]''
* ''[[Goodness Gracious Me]]''
* ''[[Goof Troop]]''
* ''[[Gossip Girl]]''
* ''[[Gotham (TV series)|Gotham]]''
* ''[[Grand Army]]''
* ''[[Gravitation]]''
* ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Great Expectations (2011 TV serial)|Great Expectations]]''
* ''[[Great Teacher Onizuka]]'' (GTO)
* ''[[Greek (TV series)|Greek]]''
* ''[[Greenhouse Academy]]''
* ''[[Green Wing]]''
* ''[[Greg the Bunny]]''
* ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]''
* ''[[The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy|Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, The]]''
* ''[[Grimm]]''
* ''[[Grojband]]''
* ''[[Grounded for Life]]''
* ''[[Guinevere Jones]]''
* ''[[Gullah Gullah Island]]''
* ''[[Gundam Seed]]''
* ''[[Gundam Wing]]''
* ''[[Godzilla]]''
{{col-end}}

===H===
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* ''[[H2O: Just Add Water]]''
* ''[[Hannah Montana]]''
* ''[[Hancock's Half Hour]]''
* ''[[The Handmaid's Tale (TV series)|Handmaid's Tale, The]]''
* ''[[Hangin' with Mr. Cooper]]''
* ''[[Hannibal (TV series)|Hannibal]]''
* ''[[Happy Days]]''
* ''[[Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law]]''
* ''[[Harper's Island]]''
* ''[[The Haunting of Bly Manor|Haunting of Bly Manor, The]]''
* ''[[The Haunting of Hill House (TV series)|Haunting of Hill House]]''
* ''[[Haven]]''
* [[Hawaii Five-0 (2010 TV series)|''Hawaii Five-0'' (2010)]]
* [[Hawaii Five-O (1968 TV series)|''Hawaii Five-O'' (1968)]]
* ''[[Heartland]]''
* ''[[Hellcats]]''
* ''[[Hell's Kitchen]]''
* ''[[Henry Danger]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Heroes (TV series)|Heroes]]''
* ''[[Hercules (1998 TV series)|Hercules]]''
* ''[[Hercules: The Legendary Journeys]]''
* ''[[Here Comes Honey Boo Boo]]''
* ''[[Herman's Head]]''
* ''[[Hetalia - Axis Powers]]''
* ''[[Hey Arnold!]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Hey Duggee]]''
* ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]''
* ''[[Highlander: The Series]]''
* ''[[The Hills|Hills, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hill Street Blues]]''
* ''[[Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]''
* ''[[Histeria!]]''
* ''[[History's Strongest Disciple: Kenichi]]''
* ''[[Hogan's Heroes]]''
*''[[House of Mouse]]''
* ''[[Holby City]]''
* ''[[Hollywood 7]]''
* ''[[Home and Away]]''
* ''[[Home Improvement]]''
* ''[[Home Movies]]''
* ''[[Homeland (TV series)|Homeland]]''
* ''[[Homicide: Life on the Street]]''
* ''[[The Honeymooners|Honeymooners, The]]''
* ''[[Hot in Cleveland]]''
* ''[[House (TV series)|House]]''
* ''[[House of Cards (trilogy)]]'' (''House of Cards'', ''To Play the King'', and ''The Final Cut'')
* ''[[House of Lies]]''
* ''[[How I Met Your Father]]''
* ''[[How I Met Your Mother]]''
* ''[[How We Roll]]''
* ''[[Human Giant]]''
* ''[[Human Target]]''
* ''[[Hustle]]''
{{col-end}}

==Requested==

===#===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[16 Hudson]]
* [[3 Amigonauts]]
* [[44 Cats]]
{{Col-end}}

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[A Different World]]
* [[The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky|Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky, The]]
* [[The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.|Adventures of Brisco County Jr., The]]
* [[The Adventures of Pete and Pete|Adventures of Pete and Pete, The]]
* [[The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet|Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, The]]
* [[After Life]]
* [[Agatha Christie's Marple]]
* [[Age of Warriors]]
* [[The Agency|Agency, The]]
* [[Aggretsuko]]
* [[A Gifted Man]]
* ''[[Airline]]''
* ''[[Airwolf]]''
* [[Aladdin (TV series)|Aladdin]]
* [[The Alan Alda Show|Alan Alda Show, The]]
* [[Alcatraz (TV Series)]]
* [[Alfred Hitchcock Presents]]
* [[Alice]]
* [[Alice's Wonderland Bakery]]
* [[Alien Nation]]
* [[Aliens in America]]
* [[Allegra's Window]]
* [[Alma's Way]]
* [[Alphas]]
* [[Always Greener]]
* ''[[Aishiteruze Baby]]'' (Love my baby)
* [[All Hail King Julien]]
* ''[[All My Childrens]]''
* [[All of Us]]
* [[All Saints]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Ancient Aliens]]
* [[Amazing Stories (1985 TV series)|Amazing Stories]]
* [[America's Funniest Home Videos (AFV)]]
* [[America's Funniest People]]
* [[America's Most Wanted]]
* [[Amphibia]] (Removed)
* [[Angelmouse]]
* [[Animal Armageddon]]
* [[Animal Stories]]
* [[Annoying Orange]] (Removed)
* [[Ants in Your Pants]]
* [[Archibald the Koala]]
* [[Archie Bunker's Place]]
* [[Are You Afraid of the Dark?]] (Removed)
* [[Arli$$]]
* [[As the World Turns]]
* [[As Told by Ginger]]
* [[The Ashlee Simpson Show|Ashlee Simpson Show, The]]
* [[The Assistant|Assistant, The]]
* [[Assy McGee]]
* [[Astro Boy]]
* [[Astroblast!]]
* [[Attack of the Show]]
* [[Attack on Titan]]
* [[Australian Idol]]
* [[The Avengers (TV series)|Avengers, The]]
* [[Average Joe 2 Hawaii]]
* [[American Pickers]]
* [[Aquarion]]
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[A Baby Story|Baby Story, A]]
* [[Babes]]
* [[Baby Daddy]]
* [[Baby Looney Tunes]]
* [[Balls of Steel]]
* [[Banshee]]
* [[Baywatch]]
* [[Beautiful People]]
* [[Beauty & the Beast (2012 TV series)]]
* [[Betrayal (TV series)|Betrayal]]
* [[Between the Lions]]
* [[The Beverly Hillbillies|Beverly Hillbillies, The]]
* [[Big Brother (US)]]
* [[Big Hero 6: The Series]] (Removed)
* [[Big Mouth]]
* [[Big O]]
* [[Black Lagoon]]
* [[Black Sheep Squadron]]
* [[The Block|Block, The]]
* [[Blood Drive]]
* [[Blood Ties]]
* [[Bloodline]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Bloody Monday]]
* [[Blue Mountain State]]
* [[Big Blue Marble]]
* [[Birth Stories]]
* [[Blazing Dragons]]
* [[Bluey]]
* [[Bobby's World]]
* [[Bonanza]]
* [[Bonkers]]
* [[Boss]]
* [[Boy Girl Dog Cat Mouse Cheese]]
* [[Bo' Selecta]]
* [[Braceface]]
* [[Bravest Warriors]]
* [[Breadwinners]] (Removed)
* [[Bridget Loves Bernie]]
* [[Buck Rogers in the 25th Century]]
* [[Bugs Bunny Builders]]
* [[Bunk]]
* [[Bunnicula (TV series)|Bunnicula]]
* [[Butterbean's Cafe]]
* [[The Buzz on Maggie|Buzz on Maggie, The]] (Removed)
* [[Black Clover]]
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Caillou]]''
* ''[[Camp Lakebottom]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Cape|Cape, The]]''
* ''[[The Cape|Cape, The]]''
* ''[[Caprica]]''
* ''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes, The]]''
* ''[[Catscratch]]''
* ''[[Caroline in the City]]''
* [[Celebrity Deathmatch]]
* ''[[Celebrity Jeopardy]]''
* [[The City|City, The]]
* [[Charles in Charge]]
* [[Charlie's Angels (TV Series)]]
* [[CHiPs]]
* [[Cheat!]]
* [[Chute!]]
* [[Chelmsford 123]]
* ''[[Chicago PD]]''
* ''[[Childrens' Hospital]]''
{{Col-2}}
* [[Chōjin Sentai Jetman]]
* [[Chouriki Sentai Ohranger]]
* [[Chozen]]
* ''[[The Christopher Lowell Show|Christopher Lowell Show, The]]'' (aka ''It's Christopher Lowell'')
* [[Christy]]
* [[Cinematech: Nocturnal Emissions]]
* [[Clarissa Explains It All]]
* ''[[The Cleaner|Cleaner, The]]''
* [[Coach (TV series)|Coach]]
* [[Coconut Fred's Fruit Salad Island]]
* ''[[Comedy Central Presents]]''
* [[Commander in Chief]]
* [[Corn & Peg]]
* [[Craig of the Creek]]
* [[Cranford]]
* [[Crash & Bernstein]]
* [[Crazy Ex-Girlfriend]]
* [[Criss Angel Mindfreak]]
* [[The Crow: Stairway To Heaven|Crow: Stairway To Heaven, The]]
* [[Crusoe]]
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Da Ali G Show]]''
* ''[[DAG (TV series)|DAG]]''
* ''[[Dallas (1978 TV series)|Dallas]]'' (1978)
* [[The Dame Edna Experience|''Dame Edna Experience'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dance Baby Dance]]''
* ''[[Dancing with the Stars]]''
* ''[[Danger Force]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance]]''
* ''[[The Dark Side of the Moon (TV series)|The Dark Side of the Moon]]''
* ''[[Date with the Angels]]''
* ''[[Dating Rules From My Future Self]]''
* ''[[Deadliest Catch]]''
* ''[[Denji Sentai Megaranger]]''
* ''[[Dennis Miller Live]]''
* ''[[Dennis the Menace (1986)]]''
* ''[[Desert Punk]]''
* ''[[Designated Survivor]]''
* ''[[Dexter's Laboratory]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Dinosaur King]]''
* ''[[Dirt (TV series)|Dirt]]''
* ''[[Disaster DIY]]''
* ''[[Doc Martin]]''
* ''[[Dog City]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dog the Bounty Hunter]]''
* [[The Dog Whisperer|''Dog Whisperer'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dog With A Blog]]''
* ''[[Donkey Hodie (TV series)|Donkey Hodie]]''
* ''[[Dr. 90210]]''
* ''[[Dr. Katz]]''
* ''[[Dr. Kildare]]''
* ''[[Dr. Phil (TV show)|Dr. Phil]]''
* ''[[Dr. Vegas]]''
* ''[[Dream Job]]''
* ''[[Dreamstone]]''
* ''[[Drew Carey's Green Screen]]''
* ''[[Drive (TV series)|Drive]]''
* ''[[Dual Survivor]]''
* ''[[Duro De Domar]]''
* ''[[Dynasty (TV series)|Dynasty]]''
* ''[[Dynomutt, Dog Wonder]]''
{{Col-end}}

===E===
* ''[[EastEnders]]''
* ''[[Eight is Enough]]''
* ''[[Eli Stone]]''
* ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]''
* ''[[Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]''
* ''[[Emergency!]]''
* ''[[Encantadia]]''
* ''[[The Equalizer (TV series)]]''
* ''[[Esme & Roy]]''
* ''[[Even Stevens]]''
* ''[[Evening Shade]]''
* ''[[Exchanging Vows]]''
* ''[[Extreme Makeover]]''
* ''[[Extreme Makeover: Home Edition]]''
* ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entourage_(American_TV_series) Entourage]''
* [[The Epic Tales of Captain underpants|Epic Tales of Captain Underpants,The]] ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Epic_Tales_of_Captai_Underpants The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants]''
* [[The Eric Show|Eric Show, The]]

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[F-Troop]]''
* [[Face Off]]
* [[Facts of Life]]
* [[Fairly Legal]]
* [[Family Feud]]
* [[Family Fortunes]]
* ''[[Family Matters]]''
* ''[[Fantasy Island]]''
* [[Fastlane]]
* [[Father Brown]]
* [[Fem myror är fler än fyra elefanter]]
* [[Ferb's Speaks]]
* [[Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman]]
* [[Filthy Rich (2020 TV series)|Filthy Rich]]
* [[Filthy Rich & Catflap]]
* [[Final Space]]
* ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (Removed)
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Fishtronaut]]''
* ''[[Flash, The]]'' (1990)
* ''[[Flash Point]]''
* [[Flash Forward]]
* [[Flavor of Love]]
* [[Flight 2]]
* ''[[Fonejacker]]''
* [[Food Paradise]]
* [[Footballers Wives]]
* [[Franklin & Bash]]
* ''[[Free Stuff!]]''
* ''[[The Fringe]]''
* [[Fushigi Yuugi]]
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[G vs. E]] (aka ''Good vs. Evil'')
* [[Gary Unmarried]]
* [[Gary: Tank Commander]]
* [[Geeks Family]]
* [[Gekisou Sentai Carranger]]
* [[Gene Simmons's Family Jewels]]
* [[General Hospital]]
* [[Genie From Downunder]]
* [[Genie In the House]]
* [[Get Blake!]]
* [[Get Ed]]
* [[Getbackers]]
* [[G.I. Joe: Sigma Six]]
* ''[[G.I. Joe: Renegades]]''
* ''[[Glory Daze]]''
* ''[[Gomer Pyle]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Good Eats]]''
* [[The Good Guys|Good Guys, The]]
* [[Good Times]]
* [[Go On]]
* [[Goons]]
* [[Gosei Sentai Dairanger]]
* [[Gran Hermano (spain)]]
* [[Grace Under Fire]]
* ''[[Graceland]]''
* ''[[Grand Tour, The]]''
* ''[[Great North, The]]''
* ''[[Green Acres]]''
* [[Grojband]]
* [[Growing Pains]]
* [[The Guild]]
* ''[[Gungrave]]''
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hack]]''
* [[Halfway Home]]
* [[Halt & Catch Fire]]
* [[Hamish Macbeth]]
* [[Hamtaro]]
* ''[[Happy Endings]]''
* ''[[Happy Monster Band]]'' (Removed)
* [[Hat Squad (the)]]
* ''[[Have I Got News For You]]''
* [[Have Gun Will Travel]]
* [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe]]
* [[Head of the Class]]
* [[Heartbeat]]
* [[Hector's House]]
* [[Heathcliff (1980)]]
* [[Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats]]
* ''[[Hennesey]]''
* ''[[Henry's Cat]]''
* ''[[Hex]]''
* ''[[Hey Dude!]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hey Duggee]]''
* ''[[Hey Vern, It's Ernest!]]''
* ''[[Highway to Heaven]]''
* ''[[Higglytown Heroes]]''
* [[Hollyoaks]]
* [[Homefront]]
* [[Hope & Faith]]
* [[Hot L Baltimore]]
* [[House of Mouse]]
* [[The Hughleys|Hughleys, The]]
* [[Hyperdrive]]
* ''[[Hidden Hills]]''
* ''[[Hidden Palms]]''
* ''[[Horrid Henry]]''
* ''[[Horatio Hornblower]]''
* ''[[How to Make it In America]]''
* ''[[How Not to Live Your Life]]''
{{Col-end}}
* How to get away with murder

==Notes==
'''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list.

When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles.

After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article.

If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]].

==See also==
{{media lists}}
*[[Advertising slogans]]
* [[List of television shows (I–P)]]
* [[List of television shows (Q–Z)]]

==External links==
*[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database]
*[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television]
*[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com]
*[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV]
*[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History]
*[http://https://myasiantv.at/love-in-contract-2022-episode-10-english-sub/ Korean Show: Arts> Love in Contract Episode 10]

[[Category:Lists|television shows]]
[[Category:Television shows|*]]

List of television shows (A–H)

2024-04-11T01:07:35Z

Sketchmoose: /* G */ +1

__NOTOC__

This is a '''list of television shows:'''

----
[[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]]

==Existing==
===#===
*''[[10 Things I Hate About You (TV series)|10 Things I Hate About You]]''
*''[[100,The]]''
*''[[1000 Ways to Die]]''
*''[[101 Dalmatians]]'' (Removed)
*''[[18 to Life]]
*''[[1923 (TV series)|1923]]''
*''[[2gether]]''
*''[[24 (TV series)|24]]''
*''[[2 Broke Girls]]''
*''[[2 Stupid Dogs]]''
*''[[3 South]]''
*''[[30 Rock]]''
*''[[3-2-1 Contact]]''
*''[[3-2-1 Penguins!]]''
*''[[3rd Rock from the Sun]]''
*''[[The 4400|4400, The]]''
*''[[60 Minutes]]''
*''[[6teen]]
*''[[7th Heaven]]''
*''[[7 Days]]''
*''[[8 Simple Rules]]'' (aka ''8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter'')
*''[[8th & Ocean]]''
*''[[9JKL]]''
*''[[90210]]''
*''[[11/22/63]]''

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
*''[[Aaahh!!! Real Monsters]]''
*''[[A Bear's Tail]]''
*''[[A Bit of Fry and Laurie]]''
*''[[A Black Lady Sketch Show]]''
*''[[A Christmas Carol]]''
*''[[A Current Affair]]''
* [[A Day with SpongeBob Squarepants]]
*''[[A Series Of Unfortunate Events (Netflix)]]''
*''[[Abbott Elementary]]''
*''[[Abby's]]''
*''[[Absolutely Fabulous]]''
*''[[Adam-12]]''
*''[[Adventures of Black Beauty]]''
*''[[Adventure Time]]'' (Removed)
*''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Lano and Woodley|Adventures of Lano and Woodley, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends|Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police|Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Sir Lancelot|Adventures of Sir Lancelot, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of the Little Prince]]''
*''[[Aeon Flux]]''
*''[[Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.]]''
*''[[ALF]]''
*''[[Alias]]''
*''[[All Grown Up]]''
*''[[All in the Family]]''
*''[[All Of Us Are Dead]]''
*''[[All That]]''
*''[['Allo 'Allo!]]''
*''[[Ally McBeal]]''
*''[[Alice In Borderland]]''
*''[[Almost Heroes (TV series)|Almost Heroes]]''
*''[[Almost Human]]''
*''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (1983 TV series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''
*''[[The Alvin Show]]''
*''[[The Amanda Show|Amanda Show, The]]''
*''[[Amazing Race]]''
*''[[The Amazing World Of Gumball|Amazing World of Gumball, The]]''
*''[[Amen (TV series)]]''
*''[[America's Next Top Model]]''
*''[[American Crime Story]]''
*''[[American Dad!]]''
*''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (Removed)
*''[[American Dreams]]''
*''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]''
*''[[America's Test Kitchen: The Next Generation]]''
{{Col-2}}
*''[[American Horror Stories]]''
*''[[American Horror Story]]''
*''[[Ancient Impossible]]''
*''[[Andromeda (TV series)|Andromeda]]''
*''[[Andy Barker, P.I.]]''
*''[[And Just Like That]]''
*''[[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy Griffith Show, The]]''
*''[[Angel (TV series)|Angel]]''
*''[[Angel Beats!]]''
*''[[Angelina Ballerina (TV series)|Angelina Ballerina]]''
*''[[Angelina Ballerina: The Next Steps]]''
*''[[The Angry Beavers|Angry Beavers, The]]''
*''[[Angry Grandpa|Angry Grandpa]]''
*''[[Animal Control (TV series)|Animal Control]]''
*''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993)
*''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020)
*''[[Anne With an E]]''
*''[[A.N.T. Farm|A.N.T Farm]]'' (Removed)
*''Ant & Dec's Saturday NightTakeaway''
*''[[AP Bio]]''
*''[[Apple & Onion]]''
*''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''
*''[[Arcane]]''
*''[[Archer (2009 TV series)|Archer]]''
* ''[[Archive 81]]''
*''[[Are You Being Served?]]''
*''[[Are You There, Chelsea?]]''
*''[[Army Wives]]''
*''[[Arrested Development]]''
*''[[Arrow]]''
*''[[Arthur]]''
*''[[Ash vs. Evil Dead]]''
*''[[Ashes to Ashes]]''
*''[[Athini Escape Death]]''
*''[[Atlanta]]''
*[[The A Team|''A Team'', ''The'']]
*[[The Atom Ant Show|''Atom Ant Show'', ''The'']]
*''[[Atomic Betty]]''
*''[[Atypical]]''
*''[[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet]]''
*''[[Austin & Ally]]''
*''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''
*''[[Awkwafina is Nora from Queens]]''
*''[[Awkward (TV series)|Awkward]]''
*''[[Axe Cop (TV series)|Axe Cop]]''
*''[[Azur Lane: The Animation ]](Anime)''
*[[Americas Test Kitchen]]
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-3}}
*''[[B Positive]]''
*''[[Babar (TV Series)|Babar]]''
*''[[Baby Blues (U.S. TV series)|Baby Blues]]''
*''[[Baby Looney Tunes|Baby Looney Tunes]]''
*''[[Baby Shark's Big Show!]]''
*''[[Babylon 5]]''
*''[[Back at the Barnyard]]''
*''[[Band of Brothers]]''
*''[[Barney & Friends (TV series)|Barney & Friends]]''
*''[[Barney & Friends: Pledge Drive Version]]''
*''[[Barney Miller]]''
*''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' (1966)
*''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]''
* ''[[The Batman (TV series)|Batman, The]]''
*''[[Battlestar Galactica (1978)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' (1978)
*''[[Battlestar Galactica (2003)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' (2003)
*''[[Bear in the Big Blue House]]''
*''[[Beast Wars]]''
*''[[Beauty and the Beast (1987 TV series)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1987)
*''[[Beauty and the Geek]]''
*''[[Beavis and Butt-Head]]''
*''[[Becker (TV series)|Becker]]''
*''[[Beetlejuice (TV show)|Beetlejuice]]''
*''[[Being Erica]]''
*''[[Being Human]]''
*''[[Believe]]'' (2014)
*''[[Belle and Sebastian]]''
*''[[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2005)
*''[[Ben 10 (2016 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2016)
*''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]''
*''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]''
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''
*[[The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|''Berenstain Bears'', ''The'']] (1985)
*[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|''Berenstain Bears'', ''The'']] (2003)
*''[[Berserk (anime)|Berserk]]''
* ''[[Better Call Saul]]''
*''[[Beverly Hills, 90210]]''
*''[[Beware the Batman]]''
*''[[Bewitched]]''
*[[The Big Bang Theory|''Big Bang Theory'', ''The'']]
*''[[Big City Greens]]''
*''[[Big Love]]''
*''[[Big Shots (TV series)|Big Shots]]''
*''[[Big Sky (American TV series)|Big Sky]]''
* [[The Bill Engvall Show|''Bill Engvall Show'', ''The'']]
*''[[Bill Nye the Science Guy]]''
*''[[Birdgirl (TV series)|Birdgirl]]''
*''[[Birds of a Feather]]''
*[[A Bit Of Fry And Laurie|''Bit Of Fry And Laurie'', ''A'']]
*[[Bizaardvark]]
*''[[Black Books]]''
*''[[Black Butler]]''
*[[The Black Donnellys|''Black Donnellys'', ''The'']]
*''[[Blackadder]]''
*''[[Blake's 7]]''
*''[[Blacklist]]''
*''[[Bleach (manga)|Bleach]]''
* ''[[Blood+]]''
* ''[[Blown Away]]''
*''[[Blue Bloods]]''
*''[[Blue Heelers]]''
*''[[Bluey]] ''
*''[[Boardwalk Empire]]''
*''[[Bob Hearts Abishola]]''
*''[[Bob the Builder]]''
*''[[Bob's Burgers]]''
*''[[Boohbah]]''
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Bob the Builder]]''
*''[[Bogan Hunters]]''
*''[[BoJack Horseman]]''
*''[[Bones (TV series)|Bones]]''
*''[[Bookie (TV series)|Bookie]]''
*[[The Boondocks (2005 TV series)|''Boondocks'', ''The'']] (2005)
*''[[Bordertown (American TV series)|Bordertown]]''
* ''[[The Borgias|Borgias, The]]''
*''[[Boston Legal]]''
*''[[Boston Public]]''
*''[[Bottom (TV series)|Bottom]]''
*''[[Boy Meets World]]''
*''[[Boys Over Flowers]]''
*[[The Brady Bunch|''Brady Bunch'', ''The'']]
*''[[Brainiac: Science Abuse]]''
*''[[Brandy and Mr.whiskers]]''
*''[[Brass Eye]]''
*''[[Breaking Bad]]''
*''[[Brickleberry]]''
*''Britain's Got Talent''
*[[The Bridge (2013 TV series)|''Bridge'', ''The'']] (2013)
*''[[Bridgerton]]''
* ''[[Broke (2020 TV series)|Broke]]'' (2020)
* ''[[Brooklyn Nine-Nine]]''
*''[[Brotherhood (2006 TV series)|Brotherhood]]'' (2006)
*''[[Brothers & Sisters (2006 TV series)|Brothers & Sisters]]''(2006)
*''[[Bugs Bunny Builders]]''(2022)
*''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]''
*''[[Bunheads]]''
*''[[Bunsen Is a Beast]]''
*''[[Burn Notice (TV series)|Burn Notice]]''
*''[[Butterbean's Cafe]]''
*''[[Buzz Lightyear of Star Command]]''
*''[[The_Buzz_on_Maggie|Buzz on Maggie, The]]'' (Removed)
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Californication (TV series)|Californication]]''
* ''[[Call Me Kat]]''
* ''[[Call Your Mother]]''
* ''[[Camelot (TV series)|Camelot]]''
* ''[[Camp Lazlo]]''
* ''[[Cannon]]''
* ''[[Capitol Critters]]''
* ''[[Cardcaptor Sakura]]''
* ''[[The Care Bears (TV series)|Care Bears, The]]''
* ''[[Cartoon Planet]]''
* ''[[Carnivàle]]''
* ''[[Castle (TV series)|Castle]]''
* ''[[Castlevania (TV series)|Castlevania]]''
* ''[[CatDog]]''
* ''[[ChalkZone]]''
* ''[[Chappelle's Show]]''
* ''[[The Chaser's War On Everything|Chaser's War On Everything, The]]''
* ''[[Peanuts|Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show, The]]''
* ''[[Chaotic (TV series)|Chaotic]]''
* ''[[Charmed (TV series)|Charmed]]''
* ''[[Cheap Seats]]''
* ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]''
* ''[[Chef!]]''
* ''[[Chicago Fire (TV series)|Chicago Fire]]''
* ''[[Chicago Med]]''
* ''[[Chestnut: Hero of Central Park]]''
* [[Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The]]
* ''[[China Beach]]''
* ''[[China, IL]]''
* ''[[Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers]]''
* ''[[Chowder|Chowder]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Chuck (TV series)|Chuck]]''
* ''[[Circle, the]]''
* ''[[The Class (TV series)|Class, The]]''
* ''[[The Cleaning Lady|Cleaning Lady, The]]''
* ''[[Clerks: The Animated Series]]''
* ''[[The Cleveland Show|Cleveland Show, The]]''
* ''[[Clone High]]''
* ''[[The Closer|Closer, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* [[Coconut Fred’s Fruit Salad Island]]
* ''[[Code Geass]]''
* ''[[Code Lyoko]]''
* ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door]]''
* ''[[The Colbert Report|Colbert Report, The]]''
* ''[[Cold Case]]''
* ''[[Columbo]]''
* ''[[Community (TV series)|Community]]''
* ''[[The Conners|Conners, The]]''
* ''[[Connecting (TV series)|Connecting]]''
* ''[[Constantine (TV series)|Constantine]]''
* ''[[Cops]]''
* ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]''
* ''[[Corner Gas]]''
* ''[[Coronation Street]]''
* ''[[The Cosby Show|Cosby Show, The]]''
* ''[[Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]''
* ''[[Cougar Town]]''
* ''[[Count Duckula]]''
* ''[[Coupling (TV series)|Coupling]]''
* ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]''
* ''[[Covert Affairs]]''
* ''[[Cow and Chicken]]''
* ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]''
* ''[[Crayon Shin-chan]]''
* ''[[The Crazy Ones|Crazy Ones, The]]''
* ''[[Criminal Minds]]''
* ''[[Crossing Jordan]]''
* ''[[Crusade (TV series)|Crusade]]''
* ''[[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]]''
* ''[[CSI: Miami]]''
* ''[[CSI: NY]]''
* ''[[Cupid (TV series)|Cupid]]''
* ''[[Curb Your Enthusiasm]]''
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dad's Army]]''
* [[The Daily Show|''Daily Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dallas (2012 TV series)|Dallas]]'' (2012)
* ''[[Damages (TV series)|Damages]]''
* ''[[Dan Vs.]]''
* ''[[Danger Force]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Danger Mouse (TV series)|Danger Mouse]]''
* ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Daredevil (TV series)|Daredevil]]''
* ''[[Daria]]''
* ''[[Dark (TV series)|Dark]]''
* ''[[Dark Angel]]''
* ''[[Dark Shadows (1991 TV series)|Dark Shadows]]'' (1991)
* ''[[Darkwing Duck]]''
* ''[[Dave the Barbarian]]''
* ''[[Da Vinci's Demons]]''
* ''[[Dawson's Creek]]''
* [[The Day Today|''Day Today'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dead Like Me]]''
* ''[[Dead Ringers]]''
* ''[[Deadwood (TV series)|Deadwood]]''
* ''[[Death Note]]''
* ''[[Dennis the Menace]]''
* ''[[Degrassi: The Next Generation]]''
* ''[[Designing Women]]''
* ''[[Desperate Housewives]]''
* ''[[Detective Conan]]''
* ''[[Dexter (TV series)|Dexter]]''
* ''[[Dharma & Greg]]''
* [[The Dick Van Dyke Show|''Dick Van Dyke Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[DirecTV Now]]''
* ''[[Digimon]]''
* ''[[Dilbert (TV series)|Dilbert]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dinosaurs (TV series)|Dinosaurs]]''
* ''[[Dirty Jobs]]''
* ''[[Dirty Sexy Money]]''
* ''[[Disenchantment (TV series)|Disenchantment]]''
* ''[[Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears]]''
* ''[[Doctor Who]]''
* ''[[Dollhouse (TV series)|Dollhouse]]''
* ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]''
* ''[[Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23]]''
* ''[[Doogie Howser, M.D.]]''
* ''[[Dorothy the Dinosaur TV Series 3]]''
* ''[[Doug]]''
* ''[[Downton Abbey]]''
* ''[[Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball Z]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball GT]]''
* ''[[Dragon Hunters]]''
* ''[[Detention (TV series)|Detention]]''
* ''[[Draft Games]]''
* ''[[Dragnet]]''
* ''[[Drake & Josh]]''
* ''[[Drawn Together]]''
* [[The Drew Carey Show|''Drew Carey Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Duck Dodgers (TV series)|Duck Dodgers]]''
* ''[[Duck Dynasty]]''
* ''[[Duckman]]''
* ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987)
* ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017) (Removed)
* ''[[Duel Masters]]''
* ''[[Due South]]''
* [[The Dukes of Hazzard|''Dukes of Hazzard'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dungeons & Dragons (TV series)|Dungeons & Dragons]]''
* ''[[Durarara!!]]''
* ''[[ Dance Moms!!]]''
{{Col-end}}

===E===
* ''[[Earth 2]]''
* ''[[East New York (TV series)|East New York]]''
* ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy]]''
* ''[[Endangered Species (TV series)]]''
* ''[[End of the F**king World, the]]''
* ''[[Elliott from Earth]]''
* ''[[Elliot Moose (1999 TV series)]]''
* ''[[Elite]]''
* ''[[Elsbeth (TV series)|Elsbeth]]''
* ''[[Emergency!]]''
* ''[[Euphoria]]''
* ''[[Everybody Hates Chris]]''
* ''[[Everybody Loves Raymond]]''
* ''[[Everything Sucks]]''
* ''[[Everwood]]''
* ''[[Extended Family (TV series)|Extended Family]]''
* ''[[Extreme Make Over Home Edition]]''

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents]]''
* ''[[Fairy Tail]]''
* ''[[Falling Skies]]''
* ''[[Family Guy]]''
* ''[[Family Matters]]''
* ''[[The Fantastic Journey]]''
* ''[[Father Ted]]''
* ''[[Family Ties]]''
* ''[[Fawlty Towers]]''
* ''[[FBI (TV series)|FBI]]''
* ''[[Felicity (TV series)|Felicity]]''
* ''[[Fillmore!]]''
* ''[[Fire Country]]''
* ''[[Firefly (TV series)|Firefly]]''
* ''[[The Flash (2014 TV series)|The Flash]]'' (2014)
* ''[[FLCL]]''
* ''[[Fleabag]]''
* ''[[Flight of the Conchords (TV series)|Flight of the Conchords]]''
* [[The Flintstones|''Flintstones'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Forever Knight]]''
* [[The Forgotten (TV series)|''Forgotten'', ''The'']]
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]''
* ''[[Four Star Playhouse]]''
*''[[Four Weddings]]''
* ''[[Frasier|Frasier (1993)]]''
* ''[[Frasier (2023 TV series)|Frasier (2023)]]''
* ''[[Freakazoid!]]''
* ''[[Freaks and Geeks]]''
* [[The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air|''Fresh Prince of Bel-Air'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Fridays (TV series)|Fridays]]''
* ''[[Friday Night Lights (TV series)|Friday Night Lights]]''
* ''[[Friday the 13th: The Series]]''
* ''[[Friends (TV series)|Friends]]''
* ''[[Fringe]]''
* ''[[Fraidy Cat]]''
* ''[[Frisky Dingo]]''
* ''[[Frontline (Australian TV series)|Frontline]]''
* ''[[Fruits Basket]]''
* ''[[Full House]]''
*''[[Fuller House]]''
* ''[[Fullmetal Alchemist]]''
* ''[[Futurama]]''
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[G.I. Joe Extreme]]''
* ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''
* ''[[Garfield and Friends]]''
* ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)|Gargoyles]]''
* ''[[Gary the Rat]]''
* ''[[Gavin & Stacey]]''
* ''[[Generator Rex]]''
* ''[[George Lopez (TV series)|George Lopez]]''
* ''[[Generation Kill (TV series)|Generation Kill]]''
* ''[[Get Smart]]''
* ''[[Ghost Adventures]]''
* ''[[Ghost Hunters]]''
* ''[[Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex]]''
* ''[[Ghost Whisperer]]''
* ''[[Ghostbusters (1986 TV series)|Ghostbusters]]''
* ''[[Ghosts (American TV series)|Ghosts US]]''
* ''[[Gilligan's Island]]''
* ''[[Gilmore Girls]]''
* ''[[Gimme Gimme Gimme]]''
* ''[[Gin Tama]]''
* ''[[Girlfriends]]''
* ''[[Girl Meets World]]''
* ''[[Girls5eva]]''
* ''[[GLOW (TV series)|GLOW]]''
* ''[[Glee (TV series)|Glee]]''
* ''[[The Golden Girls|Golden Girls, The]]''
* ''[[The Golden Palace|Golden Palace, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Goodies (TV series)|Goodies, The]]''
* ''[[The Good Fight|Good Fight, The]]''
* ''[[Good Luck Charlie]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Good Place|Good Place, The]]''
* ''[[The Good Wife (TV series)|Good Wife, The]]''
* ''[[Good Sam]]''
* ''[[Goodness Gracious Me]]''
* ''[[Goof Troop]]''
* ''[[Gossip Girl]]''
* ''[[Gotham (TV series)|Gotham]]''
* ''[[Grand Army]]''
* ''[[Gravitation]]''
* ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Great Expectations (2011 TV serial)|Great Expectations]]''
* ''[[Great Teacher Onizuka]]'' (GTO)
* ''[[Greek (TV series)|Greek]]''
* ''[[Greenhouse Academy]]''
* ''[[Green Wing]]''
* ''[[Greg the Bunny]]''
* ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]''
* ''[[The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy|Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, The]]''
* ''[[Grimm]]''
* ''[[Grojband]]''
* ''[[Grounded for Life]]''
* ''[[Guinevere Jones]]''
* ''[[Gullah Gullah Island]]''
* ''[[Gundam Seed]]''
* ''[[Gundam Wing]]''
* ''[[Godzilla]]''
{{col-end}}

===H===
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* ''[[H2O: Just Add Water]]''
* ''[[Hannah Montana]]''
* ''[[Hancock's Half Hour]]''
* ''[[The Handmaid's Tale (TV series)|Handmaid's Tale, The]]''
* ''[[Hangin' with Mr. Cooper]]''
* ''[[Hannibal (TV series)|Hannibal]]''
* ''[[Happy Days]]''
* ''[[Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law]]''
* ''[[Harper's Island]]''
* ''[[The Haunting of Bly Manor|Haunting of Bly Manor, The]]''
* ''[[The Haunting of Hill House (TV series)|Haunting of Hill House]]''
* ''[[Haven]]''
* [[Hawaii Five-0 (2010 TV series)|''Hawaii Five-0'' (2010)]]
* [[Hawaii Five-O (1968 TV series)|''Hawaii Five-O'' (1968)]]
* ''[[Heartland]]''
* ''[[Hellcats]]''
* ''[[Hell's Kitchen]]''
* ''[[Henry Danger]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Heroes (TV series)|Heroes]]''
* ''[[Hercules (1998 TV series)|Hercules]]''
* ''[[Hercules: The Legendary Journeys]]''
* ''[[Here Comes Honey Boo Boo]]''
* ''[[Herman's Head]]''
* ''[[Hetalia - Axis Powers]]''
* ''[[Hey Arnold!]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Hey Duggee]]''
* ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]''
* ''[[Highlander: The Series]]''
* ''[[The Hills|Hills, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hill Street Blues]]''
* ''[[Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]''
* ''[[Histeria!]]''
* ''[[History's Strongest Disciple: Kenichi]]''
* ''[[Hogan's Heroes]]''
*''[[House of Mouse]]''
* ''[[Holby City]]''
* ''[[Hollywood 7]]''
* ''[[Home and Away]]''
* ''[[Home Improvement]]''
* ''[[Home Movies]]''
* ''[[Homeland (TV series)|Homeland]]''
* ''[[Homicide: Life on the Street]]''
* ''[[The Honeymooners|Honeymooners, The]]''
* ''[[Hot in Cleveland]]''
* ''[[House (TV series)|House]]''
* ''[[House of Cards (trilogy)]]'' (''House of Cards'', ''To Play the King'', and ''The Final Cut'')
* ''[[House of Lies]]''
* ''[[How I Met Your Father]]''
* ''[[How I Met Your Mother]]''
* ''[[How We Roll]]''
* ''[[Human Giant]]''
* ''[[Human Target]]''
* ''[[Hustle]]''
{{col-end}}

==Requested==

===#===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[16 Hudson]]
* [[3 Amigonauts]]
* [[44 Cats]]
{{Col-end}}

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[A Different World]]
* [[The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky|Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky, The]]
* [[The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.|Adventures of Brisco County Jr., The]]
* [[The Adventures of Pete and Pete|Adventures of Pete and Pete, The]]
* [[The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet|Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, The]]
* [[After Life]]
* [[Agatha Christie's Marple]]
* [[Age of Warriors]]
* [[The Agency|Agency, The]]
* [[Aggretsuko]]
* [[A Gifted Man]]
* ''[[Airline]]''
* ''[[Airwolf]]''
* [[Aladdin (TV series)|Aladdin]]
* [[The Alan Alda Show|Alan Alda Show, The]]
* [[Alcatraz (TV Series)]]
* [[Alfred Hitchcock Presents]]
* [[Alice]]
* [[Alice's Wonderland Bakery]]
* [[Alien Nation]]
* [[Aliens in America]]
* [[Allegra's Window]]
* [[Alma's Way]]
* [[Alphas]]
* [[Always Greener]]
* ''[[Aishiteruze Baby]]'' (Love my baby)
* [[All Hail King Julien]]
* ''[[All My Childrens]]''
* [[All of Us]]
* [[All Saints]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Ancient Aliens]]
* [[Amazing Stories (1985 TV series)|Amazing Stories]]
* [[America's Funniest Home Videos (AFV)]]
* [[America's Funniest People]]
* [[America's Most Wanted]]
* [[Amphibia]] (Removed)
* [[Angelmouse]]
* [[Animal Armageddon]]
* [[Animal Stories]]
* [[Annoying Orange]] (Removed)
* [[Ants in Your Pants]]
* [[Archibald the Koala]]
* [[Archie Bunker's Place]]
* [[Are You Afraid of the Dark?]] (Removed)
* [[Arli$$]]
* [[As the World Turns]]
* [[As Told by Ginger]]
* [[The Ashlee Simpson Show|Ashlee Simpson Show, The]]
* [[The Assistant|Assistant, The]]
* [[Assy McGee]]
* [[Astro Boy]]
* [[Astroblast!]]
* [[Attack of the Show]]
* [[Attack on Titan]]
* [[Australian Idol]]
* [[The Avengers (TV series)|Avengers, The]]
* [[Average Joe 2 Hawaii]]
* [[American Pickers]]
* [[Aquarion]]
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[A Baby Story|Baby Story, A]]
* [[Babes]]
* [[Baby Daddy]]
* [[Baby Looney Tunes]]
* [[Balls of Steel]]
* [[Banshee]]
* [[Baywatch]]
* [[Beautiful People]]
* [[Beauty & the Beast (2012 TV series)]]
* [[Betrayal (TV series)|Betrayal]]
* [[Between the Lions]]
* [[The Beverly Hillbillies|Beverly Hillbillies, The]]
* [[Big Brother (US)]]
* [[Big Hero 6: The Series]] (Removed)
* [[Big Mouth]]
* [[Big O]]
* [[Black Lagoon]]
* [[Black Sheep Squadron]]
* [[The Block|Block, The]]
* [[Blood Drive]]
* [[Blood Ties]]
* [[Bloodline]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Bloody Monday]]
* [[Blue Mountain State]]
* [[Big Blue Marble]]
* [[Birth Stories]]
* [[Blazing Dragons]]
* [[Bluey]]
* [[Bobby's World]]
* [[Bonanza]]
* [[Bonkers]]
* [[Boss]]
* [[Boy Girl Dog Cat Mouse Cheese]]
* [[Bo' Selecta]]
* [[Braceface]]
* [[Bravest Warriors]]
* [[Breadwinners]] (Removed)
* [[Bridget Loves Bernie]]
* [[Buck Rogers in the 25th Century]]
* [[Bugs Bunny Builders]]
* [[Bunk]]
* [[Bunnicula (TV series)|Bunnicula]]
* [[Butterbean's Cafe]]
* [[The Buzz on Maggie|Buzz on Maggie, The]] (Removed)
* [[Black Clover]]
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Caillou]]''
* ''[[Camp Lakebottom]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Cape|Cape, The]]''
* ''[[The Cape|Cape, The]]''
* ''[[Caprica]]''
* ''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes, The]]''
* ''[[Catscratch]]''
* ''[[Caroline in the City]]''
* [[Celebrity Deathmatch]]
* ''[[Celebrity Jeopardy]]''
* [[The City|City, The]]
* [[Charles in Charge]]
* [[Charlie's Angels (TV Series)]]
* [[CHiPs]]
* [[Cheat!]]
* [[Chute!]]
* [[Chelmsford 123]]
* ''[[Chicago PD]]''
* ''[[Childrens' Hospital]]''
{{Col-2}}
* [[Chōjin Sentai Jetman]]
* [[Chouriki Sentai Ohranger]]
* [[Chozen]]
* ''[[The Christopher Lowell Show|Christopher Lowell Show, The]]'' (aka ''It's Christopher Lowell'')
* [[Christy]]
* [[Cinematech: Nocturnal Emissions]]
* [[Clarissa Explains It All]]
* ''[[The Cleaner|Cleaner, The]]''
* [[Coach (TV series)|Coach]]
* [[Coconut Fred's Fruit Salad Island]]
* ''[[Comedy Central Presents]]''
* [[Commander in Chief]]
* [[Corn & Peg]]
* [[Craig of the Creek]]
* [[Cranford]]
* [[Crash & Bernstein]]
* [[Crazy Ex-Girlfriend]]
* [[Criss Angel Mindfreak]]
* [[The Crow: Stairway To Heaven|Crow: Stairway To Heaven, The]]
* [[Crusoe]]
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Da Ali G Show]]''
* ''[[DAG (TV series)|DAG]]''
* ''[[Dallas (1978 TV series)|Dallas]]'' (1978)
* [[The Dame Edna Experience|''Dame Edna Experience'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dance Baby Dance]]''
* ''[[Dancing with the Stars]]''
* ''[[Danger Force]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance]]''
* ''[[The Dark Side of the Moon (TV series)|The Dark Side of the Moon]]''
* ''[[Date with the Angels]]''
* ''[[Dating Rules From My Future Self]]''
* ''[[Deadliest Catch]]''
* ''[[Denji Sentai Megaranger]]''
* ''[[Dennis Miller Live]]''
* ''[[Dennis the Menace (1986)]]''
* ''[[Desert Punk]]''
* ''[[Designated Survivor]]''
* ''[[Dexter's Laboratory]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Dinosaur King]]''
* ''[[Dirt (TV series)|Dirt]]''
* ''[[Disaster DIY]]''
* ''[[Doc Martin]]''
* ''[[Dog City]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dog the Bounty Hunter]]''
* [[The Dog Whisperer|''Dog Whisperer'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dog With A Blog]]''
* ''[[Donkey Hodie (TV series)|Donkey Hodie]]''
* ''[[Dr. 90210]]''
* ''[[Dr. Katz]]''
* ''[[Dr. Kildare]]''
* ''[[Dr. Phil (TV show)|Dr. Phil]]''
* ''[[Dr. Vegas]]''
* ''[[Dream Job]]''
* ''[[Dreamstone]]''
* ''[[Drew Carey's Green Screen]]''
* ''[[Drive (TV series)|Drive]]''
* ''[[Dual Survivor]]''
* ''[[Duro De Domar]]''
* ''[[Dynasty (TV series)|Dynasty]]''
* ''[[Dynomutt, Dog Wonder]]''
{{Col-end}}

===E===
* ''[[EastEnders]]''
* ''[[Eight is Enough]]''
* ''[[Eli Stone]]''
* ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]''
* ''[[Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]''
* ''[[Emergency!]]''
* ''[[Encantadia]]''
* ''[[The Equalizer (TV series)]]''
* ''[[Esme & Roy]]''
* ''[[Even Stevens]]''
* ''[[Evening Shade]]''
* ''[[Exchanging Vows]]''
* ''[[Extreme Makeover]]''
* ''[[Extreme Makeover: Home Edition]]''
* ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entourage_(American_TV_series) Entourage]''
* [[The Epic Tales of Captain underpants|Epic Tales of Captain Underpants,The]] ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Epic_Tales_of_Captai_Underpants The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants]''
* [[The Eric Show|Eric Show, The]]

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[F-Troop]]''
* [[Face Off]]
* [[Facts of Life]]
* [[Fairly Legal]]
* [[Family Feud]]
* [[Family Fortunes]]
* ''[[Family Matters]]''
* ''[[Fantasy Island]]''
* [[Fastlane]]
* [[Father Brown]]
* [[Fem myror är fler än fyra elefanter]]
* [[Ferb's Speaks]]
* [[Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman]]
* [[Filthy Rich (2020 TV series)|Filthy Rich]]
* [[Filthy Rich & Catflap]]
* [[Final Space]]
* ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (Removed)
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Fishtronaut]]''
* ''[[Flash, The]]'' (1990)
* ''[[Flash Point]]''
* [[Flash Forward]]
* [[Flavor of Love]]
* [[Flight 2]]
* ''[[Fonejacker]]''
* [[Food Paradise]]
* [[Footballers Wives]]
* [[Franklin & Bash]]
* ''[[Free Stuff!]]''
* ''[[The Fringe]]''
* [[Fushigi Yuugi]]
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[G vs. E]] (aka ''Good vs. Evil'')
* [[Gary Unmarried]]
* [[Gary: Tank Commander]]
* [[Geeks Family]]
* [[Gekisou Sentai Carranger]]
* [[Gene Simmons's Family Jewels]]
* [[General Hospital]]
* [[Genie From Downunder]]
* [[Genie In the House]]
* [[Get Blake!]]
* [[Get Ed]]
* [[Getbackers]]
* [[G.I. Joe: Sigma Six]]
* ''[[G.I. Joe: Renegades]]''
* ''[[Glory Daze]]''
* ''[[GLOW]]''
* ''[[Gomer Pyle]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Good Eats]]''
* [[The Good Guys|Good Guys, The]]
* [[Good Times]]
* [[Go On]]
* [[Goons]]
* [[Gosei Sentai Dairanger]]
* [[Gran Hermano (spain)]]
* [[Grace Under Fire]]
* ''[[Graceland]]''
* ''[[Grand Tour, The]]''
* ''[[Great North, The]]''
* ''[[Green Acres]]''
* [[Grojband]]
* [[Growing Pains]]
* [[The Guild]]
* ''[[Gungrave]]''
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hack]]''
* [[Halfway Home]]
* [[Halt & Catch Fire]]
* [[Hamish Macbeth]]
* [[Hamtaro]]
* ''[[Happy Endings]]''
* ''[[Happy Monster Band]]'' (Removed)
* [[Hat Squad (the)]]
* ''[[Have I Got News For You]]''
* [[Have Gun Will Travel]]
* [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe]]
* [[Head of the Class]]
* [[Heartbeat]]
* [[Hector's House]]
* [[Heathcliff (1980)]]
* [[Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats]]
* ''[[Hennesey]]''
* ''[[Henry's Cat]]''
* ''[[Hex]]''
* ''[[Hey Dude!]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hey Duggee]]''
* ''[[Hey Vern, It's Ernest!]]''
* ''[[Highway to Heaven]]''
* ''[[Higglytown Heroes]]''
* [[Hollyoaks]]
* [[Homefront]]
* [[Hope & Faith]]
* [[Hot L Baltimore]]
* [[House of Mouse]]
* [[The Hughleys|Hughleys, The]]
* [[Hyperdrive]]
* ''[[Hidden Hills]]''
* ''[[Hidden Palms]]''
* ''[[Horrid Henry]]''
* ''[[Horatio Hornblower]]''
* ''[[How to Make it In America]]''
* ''[[How Not to Live Your Life]]''
{{Col-end}}
* How to get away with murder

==Notes==
'''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list.

When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles.

After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article.

If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]].

==See also==
{{media lists}}
*[[Advertising slogans]]
* [[List of television shows (I–P)]]
* [[List of television shows (Q–Z)]]

==External links==
*[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database]
*[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television]
*[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com]
*[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV]
*[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History]
*[http://https://myasiantv.at/love-in-contract-2022-episode-10-english-sub/ Korean Show: Arts> Love in Contract Episode 10]

[[Category:Lists|television shows]]
[[Category:Television shows|*]]

GLOW (TV series)

2024-04-11T01:03:14Z

Sketchmoose: creating page

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:GLOW (TV series)|GLOW]]''''' (2017–2019) is an American comedy-drama television series. It is a fictionalization of the characters and gimmicks of the 1980s syndicated women's professional wrestling circuit [[w:Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling|Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling]] (or GLOW) founded by David McLane.

__TOC__

== Season 1==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:'''Ruth''': Fuck.
:'''Debbie''': Don't swear in front of Randy.
:'''Ruth''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
:'''Debbie''': I'm kidding. Of course you can swear in front of him. He's a fucking baby.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Ruth''': It just happened.
:'''Debbie''': Haven't you learned anything from that sad fucking scene study class? Things don't just happen. People make choices. They want things, and then they go for them.

=== ''Slouch. Submit.'' [1.2] ===
:'''Sam''': Wolf lady, what's your story?
:'''Sheila''': Sheila.
:'''Sam''': Sheila.
:'''Sheila''': And I have a very acute sense of smell.
:'''Sam''': Yeah? What cologne am I wearing?
:'''Sheila''': [[w:Drakkar Noir|Drakkar Noir]].
:'''Sam''': Trick question. Not wearing cologne. But I do spray that on my clothes if I forget to do laundry, so points for that.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Melrose''': Who doesn't trust a man with a mustache full of [[w:cocaine|coke]]?

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Sam''': So you're gonna leave him?
:'''Debbie''': Why, you wanna have sex with him, too? I have no idea what I'm going to do.
:'''Sam''': My wife cheated on me with my [[w:Steadicam|Steadicam]] operator. Not my best friend, but technically I was paying him to fuck my wife. So the next day I walked out. I quit the marriage. I quit the movie. I even left my dog. Got on a plane for Vegas. Two weeks later, I woke up, felt a lot better about myself.
:'''Debbie''': Thank you, that's great advice.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Perverts Are People, Too'' [2.5] ===
:'''Debbie''': Men try shit, you have to pretend to like it until you don't have to anymore.
:'''Ruth''': It shouldn't be that way.
:'''Debbie''': No, it shouldn't, and women should get to direct and not be washed up by the time they're 30, and I should have gotten to eat a piece of my own wedding cake without worrying about how many minutes of [[Jane Fonda|Jane fucking Fonda]] it was gonna take to work it off, but that is the way it is.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Alison Brie|Alison Brie]] - Ruth "Zoya the Destroya" Wilder
* [[w:Betty Gilpin|Betty Gilpin]] - Debbie "Liberty Belle" Eagan
* [[w:Sydelle Noel|Sydelle Noel]] - Cherry "Junkchain"/"Black Magic" Bang
* [[w:Britney Young|Britney Young]] - Carmen "Machu Picchu" Wade
* [[w:Marc Maron|Marc Maron]] - Sam Sylvia
* [[w:Britt Baron|Britt Baron]] - Justine "Scab" Biagi
* [[w:Kate Nash|Kate Nash]] - Rhonda "Britannica" Richardson (seasons 2–3; recurring season 1)
* [[w:Gayle Rankin|Gayle Rankin]] - Sheila "The She Wolf" (seasons 2–3; recurring season 1)
* [[w:Awesome Kong|Kia Stevens]] - Tammé "The Welfare Queen" Dawson (seasons 2–3; recurring season 1)
* [[w:Jackie Tohn|Jackie Tohn]] - Melanie "Melrose" Rosen (seasons 2–3; recurring season 1)
* [[w:Chris Lowell|Chris Lowell]] - Sebastian "Bash" Howard (season 3; recurring seasons 1–2)

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|5770786|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/80114988 Official Netflix site]

[[Category:Television shows|*]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-11T00:36:18Z

Sketchmoose: /* Season 2 */ +1

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

=== ''Cease and Desist'' [1.6] ===
:'''Scott''': I read that you have to offer a child [[w:caper|caper]]s fifteen times before they understand [[w:umami|umami]].

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Can't Wait 2 Wait'' [2.4] ===
:''[During an entertainment news segment [[wikt:circa|c.]] 2000]''
:'''Presenter''': Summer of Girls5eva.
:'''Young Summer''': Yeah.
:'''Presenter''': Let's talk about your music career: are you a virgin?
:'''Young Summer''': Yes. I made a promise to myself, and my parents, and my God. That's why I wear this purity ring. I want my wedding night to be special because we're probably gonna be in a [[w:Hyatt|Hyatt]].
:'''Presenter''': Next up, we ask the guys of [[w:Matchbox Twenty|Matchbox Twenty]] about singing and playing instruments.

=== ''B.P.E.'' [2.6] ===
:'''Wickie''': If you wanted the solo why didn't you just come out and say it like a normal person?
:'''Dawn''': Why didn't you just offer, like a normal person? Even [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] lets [[George Harrison|George]] do his own thing sometimes!
:'''Wickie''': Because [[w:Paul George|Paul George]] is one basketball man, Dawn; you're not making sense!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Boy you're slow at following. If you were a baby duck and I was your adult duck, you'd be eaten by a hawk.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn''': I need to go down to the restaurant and count fish heads to make sure my chef isn't robbing me of fish torsos, because I am my grandmother's daughter!
:'''Wickie''': ''[scoffs]'' No, you're not! [[w:"Yo mama" joke|Your mom]] is!

=== ''Returnity'' [2.7] ===

:'''Doctor''': All right, if I draw some blood, will you, and I'm asking as your doctor, get the fuck out of here?

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer Dutkowsky
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:2020s American LGBT-related comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-11T00:23:54Z

Sketchmoose: +cat (hopefully correctly}

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

=== ''Cease and Desist'' [1.6] ===
:'''Scott''': I read that you have to offer a child [[w:caper|caper]]s fifteen times before they understand [[w:umami|umami]].

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Can't Wait 2 Wait'' [2.4] ===
:''[During an entertainment news segment [[wikt:circa|c.]] 2000]''
:'''Presenter''': Summer of Girls5eva.
:'''Young Summer''': Yeah.
:'''Presenter''': Let's talk about your music career: are you a virgin?
:'''Young Summer''': Yes. I made a promise to myself, and my parents, and my God. That's why I wear this purity ring. I want my wedding night to be special because we're probably gonna be in a [[w:Hyatt|Hyatt]].
:'''Presenter''': Next up, we ask the guys of [[w:Matchbox Twenty|Matchbox Twenty]] about singing and playing instruments.

=== ''B.P.E.'' [2.5] ===
:'''Wickie''': If you wanted the solo why didn't you just come out and say it like a normal person?
:'''Dawn''': Why didn't you just offer, like a normal person? Even [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] lets [[George Harrison|George]] do his own thing sometimes!
:'''Wickie''': Because [[w:Paul George|Paul George]] is one basketball man, Dawn; you're not making sense!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Boy you're slow at following. If you were a baby duck and I was your adult duck, you'd be eaten by a hawk.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn''': I need to go down to the restaurant and count fish heads to make sure my chef isn't robbing me of fish torsos, because I am my grandmother's daughter!
:'''Wickie''': ''[scoffs]'' No, you're not! [[w:"Yo mama" joke|Your mom]] is!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer Dutkowsky
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:2020s American LGBT-related comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-11T00:12:34Z

Sketchmoose: /* Can't Wait 2 Wait [2.4] */ consistency

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

=== ''Cease and Desist'' [1.6] ===
:'''Scott''': I read that you have to offer a child [[w:caper|caper]]s fifteen times before they understand [[w:umami|umami]].

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Can't Wait 2 Wait'' [2.4] ===
:''[During an entertainment news segment [[wikt:circa|c.]] 2000]''
:'''Presenter''': Summer of Girls5eva.
:'''Young Summer''': Yeah.
:'''Presenter''': Let's talk about your music career: are you a virgin?
:'''Young Summer''': Yes. I made a promise to myself, and my parents, and my God. That's why I wear this purity ring. I want my wedding night to be special because we're probably gonna be in a [[w:Hyatt|Hyatt]].
:'''Presenter''': Next up, we ask the guys of [[w:Matchbox Twenty|Matchbox Twenty]] about singing and playing instruments.

=== ''B.P.E.'' [2.5] ===
:'''Wickie''': If you wanted the solo why didn't you just come out and say it like a normal person?
:'''Dawn''': Why didn't you just offer, like a normal person? Even [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] lets [[George Harrison|George]] do his own thing sometimes!
:'''Wickie''': Because [[w:Paul George|Paul George]] is one basketball man, Dawn; you're not making sense!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Boy you're slow at following. If you were a baby duck and I was your adult duck, you'd be eaten by a hawk.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn''': I need to go down to the restaurant and count fish heads to make sure my chef isn't robbing me of fish torsos, because I am my grandmother's daughter!
:'''Wickie''': ''[scoffs]'' No, you're not! [[w:"Yo mama" joke|Your mom]] is!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer Dutkowsky
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-11T00:06:42Z

Sketchmoose: adding

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

=== ''Cease and Desist'' [1.6] ===
:'''Scott''': I read that you have to offer a child [[w:caper|caper]]s fifteen times before they understand [[w:umami|umami]].

== Season 2 ==
=== ''Can't Wait 2 Wait'' [2.4] ===
:''[During an entertainment news segment [[wikt:circa|c.]] 2000]''
:'''Presenter''': Summer of Girls5eva.
:'''Summer''': Yeah.
:'''Presenter''': Let's talk about your music career: are you a virgin?
:'''Summer''': Yes. I made a promise to myself, and my parents, and my God. That's why I wear this purity ring. I want my wedding night to be special because we're probably gonna be in a [[w:Hyatt|Hyatt]].
:'''Presenter''': Next up, we ask the guys of [[w:Matchbox Twenty|Matchbox Twenty]] about singing and playing instruments.

=== ''B.P.E.'' [2.5] ===
:'''Wickie''': If you wanted the solo why didn't you just come out and say it like a normal person?
:'''Dawn''': Why didn't you just offer, like a normal person? Even [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] lets [[George Harrison|George]] do his own thing sometimes!
:'''Wickie''': Because [[w:Paul George|Paul George]] is one basketball man, Dawn; you're not making sense!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Boy you're slow at following. If you were a baby duck and I was your adult duck, you'd be eaten by a hawk.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn''': I need to go down to the restaurant and count fish heads to make sure my chef isn't robbing me of fish torsos, because I am my grandmother's daughter!
:'''Wickie''': ''[scoffs]'' No, you're not! [[w:"Yo mama" joke|Your mom]] is!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer Dutkowsky
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-10T02:03:48Z

Sketchmoose: /* Cast */ adding last name

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

=== ''Cease and Desist'' [1.6] ===
:'''Scott''': I read that you have to offer a child [[w:caper|caper]]s fifteen times before they understand [[w:umami|umami]].

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer Dutkowsky
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-10T02:02:50Z

Sketchmoose: /* Catskills [1.5] */ correction

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

=== ''Cease and Desist'' [1.6] ===
:'''Scott''': I read that you have to offer a child [[w:caper|caper]]s fifteen times before they understand [[w:umami|umami]].

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-10T02:02:16Z

Sketchmoose: /* Catskills [1.5] */ one more

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:'''Scott''': I read that you have to offer a child [[w:caper|caper]]s fifteen times before they understand [[w:umami|umami]].

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

Girls5eva

2024-04-10T01:57:43Z

Sketchmoose: /* Season 1 */ added quotes for 1.5

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Girls5eva|Girls5eva]]''''' (2021–present) is an American television comedy about the members of a 2000-era one-hit wonder pop [[w:Girl group|girl group]] who attempt to restart the group twenty years later.

__TOC__

== Theme song ==
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:Gonna be famous 3gether
:'Cause that's one more than 2gether
:Gonna be famous 5eva
:'Cause 4eva's too short
:So what are you waiting 5?
:Girls5eva

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Pilot'' [1.1] ===
:''[On [[w:Total Request Live|TRL]] in 2000]''
:'''Young Summer''': I'm Summer and the media trainer said to repeat the question in my answer, so why don't you introduce yourself Summer thanks [[w:Carson Daly|Carson]] I'm Summer!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': Just to get ahead of it, it's me—
:'''Wickie''': Gloria. I know. I used context clues.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': Music was never my bag anyway. Bags are my bag, because I'm launching a bag line. They're bat leather and they're tiny, like bats.

=== ''D'wasg'' [1.2] ===
:'''Kev''': ''[doing a Tampa local entertainment news segment]'' Hey, what's up? I'm here with an exclusive look at the flight path celebrities often take when flying from Los Angeles to Miami, passing over Tampa completely.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Larry''': I was wrong, there's not zero interest in Girls5eva. ...I got a call. Eric Trump Casino University needs someone to play between MMA fights while they mop up blood. Four grand minus my 80 percent. BYO-mop.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Girls5eva''': ''[singing "Dream Girlfriends"]''
:[[w:2000s in fashion|Low-rise jeans with a one-tooth zipper]]
:Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker
:Whale-tail peeking, ready for the weekend
:Our eyes are all over you, boy, we're

:Dream girlfriends, 'cause our dads are dead
:You'll never have to meet them and get asked why you left school
:Dream girlfriends, no pushback
:'Cause our moms are over-tired, and hoping for the best

:We've got the kind of birth control that goes in our arm
:And tell me again why [[Quentin Tarantino|Tarantino]]'s a genius
:You'll never want to wake up from us
:We’re short, so we don't know that you're bald

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Nick''': It's not a van, all right? For tax purposes it's 10 wheelchairs.

=== ''Alf Musik'' [1.3] ===
:'''Wickie''': ''[waitressing]'' Hello, I'm new here, I'm not telling you my name. Our special today is penne alla vodka and Red Bull, and our soup is Italian divorce, I'll be back with your NDAs.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Gloria''': ''[about Dawn's young son Max]'' He's a classic New York Lonely Boy.
:'''Dawn''': What?
:'''Gloria''': New York Lonely Boy. A son born to older parents who's more comfortable around adults than kids. Yeah, they're all over the city, eating sushi. They usually wear a fedora, high-fiving a doorman.
:'''Dawn''': That sounds like some [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]] shit. We're [[w:Queens|Queens]] people. Our heat comes from one really hot vertical pipe.
:'''Gloria''': Well, they're in all the boroughs. Except [[w:Staten Island|Staten Island]], 'cause there's never been an only child from there.
:'''Dawn''': How do you know about this?
:'''Gloria''': Half my patients have one. But you're in good company: [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] has one, [[w:Kyle MacLachlan|Kyle MacLachlan]] has one, [[Matthew Broderick]] is one.
:. . .
:'''John Slattery''': Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you, but it looks like you've got yourself a real New York Lonely Boy there.
:'''Dawn''': Um, yeah, uh, I guess I do, John Slattery.
:'''John Slattery''': All I can say is, congratulations. A New York Lonely Boy is the greatest gift a parent could ask for.
:'''Dawn''': It is?
:'''John Slattery''': Heck yeah. I had five siblings. I was too busy fighting for food to develop a single goddamn interest. But this kid, he teaches ''us'' things. He know Mandarin, he make sourdough bread, he makes these little movies—
:'''[[w:Talia Balsam|Talia Balsam]]''': Oh with the marionettes, it's very imaginative.
:'''John Slattery''': Yeah, he loves museums.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Oh, he's really good at a dinner party
:'''John Slattery''': ''[to his son]'' What was that thing you said the other night?
:'''Harry Slattery''': Never trust a restaurant on a corner.
:'''John Slattery''': He's right! They always phone it in. Every day's like Father's Day, he's our best friend.
:'''Talia Balsam''': Don't worry, they don't stay lonely forever. Before you know it they're dating a 23-year-old named Lucy; she's a landscape architect but she, she also submits fiction to [[w:the New Yorker|the New Yorker]].
:'''Dawn''': So I won't ruin my son by not having another baby?
:'''Talia Balsam''': No. If anything, the baby will ruin him.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Alf Musik''': You have a problem with my song? I worked quite hard on it. 40 minutes—20 metric.
:'''Wickie''': No, it's fire. I was thinking of adding a "woah oh oh oh" right before "Cram it wherever."

=== ''Catskills'' [1.5] ===
:''[After Summer makes a few unhelpful suggestions during a songwriting session]''
:'''Wickie''': Hey Summer, you know what would be a huge help? Would you make the salad?
:'''Summer''': Oh, I'm good. I smelled a [[w:MacDonald's|MacDonald's]] on the way up, so I can stay and collab.
:'''Wickie''': Or you could go and collab, because behind every great song is an even better salad. Tell her, Dawn.
:'''Dawn''': Yes. [[John Lennon|John]] was only able to write "[[w:Come Together|Come Together]]" once he knew... [[Paul McCartney|Paul]] was... handling the salad.
:'''Summer''': Huh! Is that true?
:'''Wickie''': Yeah, [[Girls5eva#Theme song|five sure]]!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Wickie''': This weekend is about Jingle Ball, and I'm worried—
:'''Summer''': —That she's gonna [[Yoko Ono|Yoko]] the salad!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dawn and Wickie''': ''[singing during their writing session]'' We are / Stronger than the best!
:'''Daphne''': Oh.
:'''Wickie''': What?
:'''Daphne''': No, no, I like it. Bur if ''you're'' stronger than the best, wouldn't that make ''you'' the best? So why are ''they'' still the best?
:'''Wickie''': I think ''we'' just became stronger than the best ''during'' the song, so technically we are the best now; it's just not reflected in the rankings yet.
:'''Daphne''': Why?
:'''Wickie''': Because they come out on Mondays.
:''[Later]''
:'''Summer''': Oh, you roll your eyes at my ideas just because they're terrible, but your ideas are not great. "Stronger than the best?" What does that even mean?
:'''Wickie''': ''[angrily]'' The song explains it, it hinges on paperwork!

== Cast ==
* [[w:Sara Bareilles|Sara Bareilles]] - Dawn Solano
* [[w:Busy Philipps|Busy Philipps]] - Summer
* [[w:Paula Pell|Paula Pell]] - Dr. Gloria McManus
* [[w:Renée Elise Goldsberry|Renée Elise Goldsberry]] - Wickie Roy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|11650492|Girls5eva}}
* [https://www.netflix.com/title/81630704 Official Netflix site]
* [https://www.peacocktv.com/stream-tv/girls5eva Peacock site]

[[Category:American TV shows|*]]
[[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Peacock shows]]
[[Category:Netflix shows]]
[[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]]

List of television shows (A–H)

2024-03-21T02:41:10Z

Sketchmoose: /* G */ adding show

__NOTOC__

This is a '''list of television shows:'''

----
[[List of television shows (A–H)##|#]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#A|A]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#B|B]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#C|C]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#D|D]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#E|E]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#F|F]] - [[List of television shows (A–H)#G|G]] -
[[List of television shows (A–H)#H|H]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#I|I]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#J|J]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#K|K]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#L|L]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#M|M]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#N|N]] - [[List of television shows (I–P)#O|O]] -
[[List of television shows (I–P)#P|P]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Q|Q]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#R|R]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#S|S]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#T|T]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#U|U]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#V|V]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#W|W]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Y|Y]] -
[[List of television shows (Q–Z)#Z|Z]]

==Existing==
===#===
*''[[10 Things I Hate About You (TV series)|10 Things I Hate About You]]''
*''[[100,The]]''
*''[[1000 Ways to Die]]''
*''[[101 Dalmatians]]'' (Removed)
*''[[18 to Life]]
*''[[1923 (TV series)|1923]]''
*''[[2gether]]''
*''[[24 (TV series)|24]]''
*''[[2 Broke Girls]]''
*''[[2 Stupid Dogs]]''
*''[[3 South]]''
*''[[30 Rock]]''
*''[[3-2-1 Contact]]''
*''[[3-2-1 Penguins!]]''
*''[[3rd Rock from the Sun]]''
*''[[The 4400|4400, The]]''
*''[[60 Minutes]]''
*''[[6teen]]
*''[[7th Heaven]]''
*''[[7 Days]]''
*''[[8 Simple Rules]]'' (aka ''8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter'')
*''[[8th & Ocean]]''
*''[[9JKL]]''
*''[[90210]]''
*''[[11/22/63]]''

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
*''[[Aaahh!!! Real Monsters]]''
*''[[A Bear's Tail]]''
*''[[A Bit of Fry and Laurie]]''
*''[[A Black Lady Sketch Show]]''
*''[[A Christmas Carol]]''
*''[[A Current Affair]]''
* [[A Day with SpongeBob Squarepants]]
*''[[A Series Of Unfortunate Events (Netflix)]]''
*''[[Abbott Elementary]]''
*''[[Abby's]]''
*''[[Absolutely Fabulous]]''
*''[[Adam-12]]''
*''[[Adventures of Black Beauty]]''
*''[[Adventure Time]]'' (Removed)
*''[[The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius|Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Lano and Woodley|Adventures of Lano and Woodley, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends|Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police|Adventures of Sam & Max: Freelance Police, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of Sir Lancelot|Adventures of Sir Lancelot, The]]''
*''[[The Adventures of the Little Prince]]''
*''[[Aeon Flux]]''
*''[[Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.]]''
*''[[ALF]]''
*''[[Alias]]''
*''[[All Grown Up]]''
*''[[All in the Family]]''
*''[[All Of Us Are Dead]]''
*''[[All That]]''
*''[['Allo 'Allo!]]''
*''[[Ally McBeal]]''
*''[[Alice In Borderland]]''
*''[[Almost Heroes (TV series)|Almost Heroes]]''
*''[[Almost Human]]''
*''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks (1983 TV series)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''
*''[[The Alvin Show]]''
*''[[The Amanda Show|Amanda Show, The]]''
*''[[Amazing Race]]''
*''[[The Amazing World Of Gumball|Amazing World of Gumball, The]]''
*''[[Amen (TV series)]]''
*''[[America's Next Top Model]]''
*''[[American Crime Story]]''
*''[[American Dad!]]''
*''[[American Dragon: Jake Long]]'' (Removed)
*''[[American Dreams]]''
*''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]''
*''[[America's Test Kitchen: The Next Generation]]''
{{Col-2}}
*''[[American Horror Stories]]''
*''[[American Horror Story]]''
*''[[Ancient Impossible]]''
*''[[Andromeda (TV series)|Andromeda]]''
*''[[Andy Barker, P.I.]]''
*''[[And Just Like That]]''
*''[[The Andy Griffith Show|Andy Griffith Show, The]]''
*''[[Angel (TV series)|Angel]]''
*''[[Angel Beats!]]''
*''[[Angelina Ballerina (TV series)|Angelina Ballerina]]''
*''[[Angelina Ballerina: The Next Steps]]''
*''[[The Angry Beavers|Angry Beavers, The]]''
*''[[Angry Grandpa|Angry Grandpa]]''
*''[[Animal Control (TV series)|Animal Control]]''
*''[[Animaniacs]]'' (1993)
*''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020)
*''[[Anne With an E]]''
*''[[A.N.T. Farm|A.N.T Farm]]'' (Removed)
*''Ant & Dec's Saturday NightTakeaway''
*''[[AP Bio]]''
*''[[Apple & Onion]]''
*''[[Aqua Teen Hunger Force]]''
*''[[Arcane]]''
*''[[Archer (2009 TV series)|Archer]]''
* ''[[Archive 81]]''
*''[[Are You Being Served?]]''
*''[[Are You There, Chelsea?]]''
*''[[Army Wives]]''
*''[[Arrested Development]]''
*''[[Arrow]]''
*''[[Arthur]]''
*''[[Ash vs. Evil Dead]]''
*''[[Ashes to Ashes]]''
*''[[Athini Escape Death]]''
*''[[Atlanta]]''
*[[The A Team|''A Team'', ''The'']]
*[[The Atom Ant Show|''Atom Ant Show'', ''The'']]
*''[[Atomic Betty]]''
*''[[Atypical]]''
*''[[Auf Wiedersehen, Pet]]''
*''[[Austin & Ally]]''
*''[[Avatar: The Last Airbender]]''
*''[[Awkwafina is Nora from Queens]]''
*''[[Awkward (TV series)|Awkward]]''
*''[[Axe Cop (TV series)|Axe Cop]]''
*''[[Azur Lane: The Animation ]](Anime)''
*[[Americas Test Kitchen]]
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-3}}
*''[[B Positive]]''
*''[[Babar (TV Series)|Babar]]''
*''[[Baby Blues (U.S. TV series)|Baby Blues]]''
*''[[Baby Looney Tunes|Baby Looney Tunes]]''
*''[[Baby Shark's Big Show!]]''
*''[[Babylon 5]]''
*''[[Back at the Barnyard]]''
*''[[Band of Brothers]]''
*''[[Barney & Friends (TV series)|Barney & Friends]]''
*''[[Barney & Friends: Pledge Drive Version]]''
*''[[Barney Miller]]''
*''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' (1966)
*''[[Batman: The Animated Series]]''
* ''[[The Batman (TV series)|Batman, The]]''
*''[[Battlestar Galactica (1978)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' (1978)
*''[[Battlestar Galactica (2003)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' (2003)
*''[[Bear in the Big Blue House]]''
*''[[Beast Wars]]''
*''[[Beauty and the Beast (1987 TV series)|Beauty and the Beast]]'' (1987)
*''[[Beauty and the Geek]]''
*''[[Beavis and Butt-Head]]''
*''[[Becker (TV series)|Becker]]''
*''[[Beetlejuice (TV show)|Beetlejuice]]''
*''[[Being Erica]]''
*''[[Being Human]]''
*''[[Believe]]'' (2014)
*''[[Belle and Sebastian]]''
*''[[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2005)
*''[[Ben 10 (2016 TV series)|Ben 10]]'' (2016)
*''[[Ben 10: Alien Force]]''
*''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]''
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien]]''
*[[The Berenstain Bears (1985 TV series)|''Berenstain Bears'', ''The'']] (1985)
*[[The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series)|''Berenstain Bears'', ''The'']] (2003)
*''[[Berserk (anime)|Berserk]]''
* ''[[Better Call Saul]]''
*''[[Beverly Hills, 90210]]''
*''[[Beware the Batman]]''
*''[[Bewitched]]''
*[[The Big Bang Theory|''Big Bang Theory'', ''The'']]
*''[[Big City Greens]]''
*''[[Big Love]]''
*''[[Big Shots (TV series)|Big Shots]]''
*''[[Big Sky (American TV series)|Big Sky]]''
* [[The Bill Engvall Show|''Bill Engvall Show'', ''The'']]
*''[[Bill Nye the Science Guy]]''
*''[[Birdgirl (TV series)|Birdgirl]]''
*''[[Birds of a Feather]]''
*[[A Bit Of Fry And Laurie|''Bit Of Fry And Laurie'', ''A'']]
*[[Bizaardvark]]
*''[[Black Books]]''
*''[[Black Butler]]''
*[[The Black Donnellys|''Black Donnellys'', ''The'']]
*''[[Blackadder]]''
*''[[Blake's 7]]''
*''[[Blacklist]]''
*''[[Bleach (manga)|Bleach]]''
* ''[[Blood+]]''
* ''[[Blown Away]]''
*''[[Blue Bloods]]''
*''[[Blue Heelers]]''
*''[[Bluey]] ''
*''[[Boardwalk Empire]]''
*''[[Bob Hearts Abishola]]''
*''[[Bob the Builder]]''
*''[[Bob's Burgers]]''
*''[[Boohbah]]''
{{Col-3}}
*''[[Bob the Builder]]''
*''[[Bogan Hunters]]''
*''[[BoJack Horseman]]''
*''[[Bones (TV series)|Bones]]''
*''[[Bookie (TV series)|Bookie]]''
*[[The Boondocks (2005 TV series)|''Boondocks'', ''The'']] (2005)
*''[[Bordertown (American TV series)|Bordertown]]''
* ''[[The Borgias|Borgias, The]]''
*''[[Boston Legal]]''
*''[[Boston Public]]''
*''[[Bottom (TV series)|Bottom]]''
*''[[Boy Meets World]]''
*''[[Boys Over Flowers]]''
*[[The Brady Bunch|''Brady Bunch'', ''The'']]
*''[[Brainiac: Science Abuse]]''
*''[[Brandy and Mr.whiskers]]''
*''[[Brass Eye]]''
*''[[Breaking Bad]]''
*''[[Brickleberry]]''
*''Britain's Got Talent''
*[[The Bridge (2013 TV series)|''Bridge'', ''The'']] (2013)
*''[[Bridgerton]]''
* ''[[Broke (2020 TV series)|Broke]]'' (2020)
* ''[[Brooklyn Nine-Nine]]''
*''[[Brotherhood (2006 TV series)|Brotherhood]]'' (2006)
*''[[Brothers & Sisters (2006 TV series)|Brothers & Sisters]]''(2006)
*''[[Bugs Bunny Builders]]''(2022)
*''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer]]''
*''[[Bunheads]]''
*''[[Bunsen Is a Beast]]''
*''[[Burn Notice (TV series)|Burn Notice]]''
*''[[Butterbean's Cafe]]''
*''[[Buzz Lightyear of Star Command]]''
*''[[The_Buzz_on_Maggie|Buzz on Maggie, The]]'' (Removed)
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Californication (TV series)|Californication]]''
* ''[[Call Me Kat]]''
* ''[[Call Your Mother]]''
* ''[[Camelot (TV series)|Camelot]]''
* ''[[Camp Lazlo]]''
* ''[[Cannon]]''
* ''[[Capitol Critters]]''
* ''[[Cardcaptor Sakura]]''
* ''[[The Care Bears (TV series)|Care Bears, The]]''
* ''[[Cartoon Planet]]''
* ''[[Carnivàle]]''
* ''[[Castle (TV series)|Castle]]''
* ''[[Castlevania (TV series)|Castlevania]]''
* ''[[CatDog]]''
* ''[[ChalkZone]]''
* ''[[Chappelle's Show]]''
* ''[[The Chaser's War On Everything|Chaser's War On Everything, The]]''
* ''[[Peanuts|Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show, The]]''
* ''[[Charmed (TV series)|Charmed]]''
* ''[[Cheap Seats]]''
* ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]''
* ''[[Chef!]]''
* ''[[Chicago Fire (TV series)|Chicago Fire]]''
* ''[[Chicago Med]]''
* ''[[Chestnut: Hero of Central Park]]''
* [[Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The]]
* ''[[China Beach]]''
* ''[[China, IL]]''
* ''[[Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers]]''
* ''[[Chowder|Chowder]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Chuck (TV series)|Chuck]]''
* ''[[Circle, the]]''
* ''[[The Class (TV series)|Class, The]]''
* ''[[The Cleaning Lady|Cleaning Lady, The]]''
* ''[[Clerks: The Animated Series]]''
* ''[[The Cleveland Show|Cleveland Show, The]]''
* ''[[Clone High]]''
* ''[[The Closer|Closer, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* [[Coconut Fred’s Fruit Salad Island]]
* ''[[Code Geass]]''
* ''[[Code Lyoko]]''
* ''[[Codename: Kids Next Door]]''
* ''[[The Colbert Report|Colbert Report, The]]''
* ''[[Cold Case]]''
* ''[[Columbo]]''
* ''[[Community (TV series)|Community]]''
* ''[[The Conners|Conners, The]]''
* ''[[Connecting (TV series)|Connecting]]''
* ''[[Constantine (TV series)|Constantine]]''
* ''[[Cops]]''
* ''[[Corduroy (TV series)|Corduroy]]''
* ''[[Corner Gas]]''
* ''[[Coronation Street]]''
* ''[[The Cosby Show|Cosby Show, The]]''
* ''[[Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey]]''
* ''[[Cougar Town]]''
* ''[[Count Duckula]]''
* ''[[Coupling (TV series)|Coupling]]''
* ''[[Courage the Cowardly Dog]]''
* ''[[Covert Affairs]]''
* ''[[Cow and Chicken]]''
* ''[[Cowboy Bebop]]''
* ''[[Crayon Shin-chan]]''
* ''[[The Crazy Ones|Crazy Ones, The]]''
* ''[[Criminal Minds]]''
* ''[[Crossing Jordan]]''
* ''[[Crusade (TV series)|Crusade]]''
* ''[[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]]''
* ''[[CSI: Miami]]''
* ''[[CSI: NY]]''
* ''[[Cupid (TV series)|Cupid]]''
* ''[[Curb Your Enthusiasm]]''
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dad's Army]]''
* [[The Daily Show|''Daily Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dallas (2012 TV series)|Dallas]]'' (2012)
* ''[[Damages (TV series)|Damages]]''
* ''[[Dan Vs.]]''
* ''[[Danger Force]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Danger Mouse (TV series)|Danger Mouse]]''
* ''[[Danny Phantom]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Daredevil (TV series)|Daredevil]]''
* ''[[Daria]]''
* ''[[Dark (TV series)|Dark]]''
* ''[[Dark Angel]]''
* ''[[Dark Shadows (1991 TV series)|Dark Shadows]]'' (1991)
* ''[[Darkwing Duck]]''
* ''[[Dave the Barbarian]]''
* ''[[Da Vinci's Demons]]''
* ''[[Dawson's Creek]]''
* [[The Day Today|''Day Today'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dead Like Me]]''
* ''[[Dead Ringers]]''
* ''[[Deadwood (TV series)|Deadwood]]''
* ''[[Death Note]]''
* ''[[Dennis the Menace]]''
* ''[[Degrassi: The Next Generation]]''
* ''[[Designing Women]]''
* ''[[Desperate Housewives]]''
* ''[[Detective Conan]]''
* ''[[Dexter (TV series)|Dexter]]''
* ''[[Dharma & Greg]]''
* [[The Dick Van Dyke Show|''Dick Van Dyke Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[DirecTV Now]]''
* ''[[Digimon]]''
* ''[[Dilbert (TV series)|Dilbert]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dinosaurs (TV series)|Dinosaurs]]''
* ''[[Dirty Jobs]]''
* ''[[Dirty Sexy Money]]''
* ''[[Disenchantment (TV series)|Disenchantment]]''
* ''[[Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears]]''
* ''[[Doctor Who]]''
* ''[[Dollhouse (TV series)|Dollhouse]]''
* ''[[Donkey Kong Country]]''
* ''[[Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23]]''
* ''[[Doogie Howser, M.D.]]''
* ''[[Dorothy the Dinosaur TV Series 3]]''
* ''[[Doug]]''
* ''[[Downton Abbey]]''
* ''[[Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball Z]]''
* ''[[Dragon Ball GT]]''
* ''[[Dragon Hunters]]''
* ''[[Detention (TV series)|Detention]]''
* ''[[Draft Games]]''
* ''[[Dragnet]]''
* ''[[Drake & Josh]]''
* ''[[Drawn Together]]''
* [[The Drew Carey Show|''Drew Carey Show'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Duck Dodgers (TV series)|Duck Dodgers]]''
* ''[[Duck Dynasty]]''
* ''[[Duckman]]''
* ''[[DuckTales (1987 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (1987)
* ''[[DuckTales (2017 TV series)|DuckTales]]'' (2017) (Removed)
* ''[[Duel Masters]]''
* ''[[Due South]]''
* [[The Dukes of Hazzard|''Dukes of Hazzard'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dungeons & Dragons (TV series)|Dungeons & Dragons]]''
* ''[[Durarara!!]]''
* ''[[ Dance Moms!!]]''
{{Col-end}}

===E===
* ''[[Earth 2]]''
* ''[[East New York (TV series)|East New York]]''
* ''[[Ed, Edd n Eddy]]''
* ''[[Endangered Species (TV series)]]''
* ''[[End of the F**king World, the]]''
* ''[[Elliott from Earth]]''
* ''[[Elliot Moose (1999 TV series)]]''
* ''[[Elite]]''
* ''[[Elsbeth (TV series)|Elsbeth]]''
* ''[[Emergency!]]''
* ''[[Euphoria]]''
* ''[[Everybody Hates Chris]]''
* ''[[Everybody Loves Raymond]]''
* ''[[Everything Sucks]]''
* ''[[Everwood]]''
* ''[[Extended Family (TV series)|Extended Family]]''
* ''[[Extreme Make Over Home Edition]]''

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Fairly OddParents|The Fairly OddParents]]''
* ''[[Fairy Tail]]''
* ''[[Falling Skies]]''
* ''[[Family Guy]]''
* ''[[Family Matters]]''
* ''[[The Fantastic Journey]]''
* ''[[Father Ted]]''
* ''[[Family Ties]]''
* ''[[Fawlty Towers]]''
* ''[[FBI (TV series)|FBI]]''
* ''[[Felicity (TV series)|Felicity]]''
* ''[[Fillmore!]]''
* ''[[Fire Country]]''
* ''[[Firefly (TV series)|Firefly]]''
* ''[[The Flash (2014 TV series)|The Flash]]'' (2014)
* ''[[FLCL]]''
* ''[[Fleabag]]''
* ''[[Flight of the Conchords (TV series)|Flight of the Conchords]]''
* [[The Flintstones|''Flintstones'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Forever Knight]]''
* [[The Forgotten (TV series)|''Forgotten'', ''The'']]
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends]]''
* ''[[Four Star Playhouse]]''
*''[[Four Weddings]]''
* ''[[Frasier|Frasier (1993)]]''
* ''[[Frasier (2023 TV series)|Frasier (2023)]]''
* ''[[Freakazoid!]]''
* ''[[Freaks and Geeks]]''
* [[The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air|''Fresh Prince of Bel-Air'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Fridays (TV series)|Fridays]]''
* ''[[Friday Night Lights (TV series)|Friday Night Lights]]''
* ''[[Friday the 13th: The Series]]''
* ''[[Friends (TV series)|Friends]]''
* ''[[Fringe]]''
* ''[[Fraidy Cat]]''
* ''[[Frisky Dingo]]''
* ''[[Frontline (Australian TV series)|Frontline]]''
* ''[[Fruits Basket]]''
* ''[[Full House]]''
*''[[Fuller House]]''
* ''[[Fullmetal Alchemist]]''
* ''[[Futurama]]''
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[G.I. Joe Extreme]]''
* ''[[Game of Thrones (TV series)|Game of Thrones]]''
* ''[[Garfield and Friends]]''
* ''[[Gargoyles (TV series)|Gargoyles]]''
* ''[[Gary the Rat]]''
* ''[[Gavin & Stacey]]''
* ''[[Generator Rex]]''
* ''[[George Lopez (TV series)|George Lopez]]''
* ''[[Generation Kill (TV series)|Generation Kill]]''
* ''[[Get Smart]]''
* ''[[Ghost Adventures]]''
* ''[[Ghost Hunters]]''
* ''[[Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex]]''
* ''[[Ghost Whisperer]]''
* ''[[Ghostbusters (1986 TV series)|Ghostbusters]]''
* ''[[Ghosts (American TV series)|Ghosts US]]''
* ''[[Gilligan's Island]]''
* ''[[Gilmore Girls]]''
* ''[[Gimme Gimme Gimme]]''
* ''[[Gin Tama]]''
* ''[[Girlfriends]]''
* ''[[Girl Meets World]]''
* ''[[Girls5eva]]''
* ''[[Glee (TV series)|Glee]]''
* ''[[The Golden Girls|Golden Girls, The]]''
* ''[[The Golden Palace|Golden Palace, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[The Goodies (TV series)|Goodies, The]]''
* ''[[The Good Fight|Good Fight, The]]''
* ''[[Good Luck Charlie]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Good Place|Good Place, The]]''
* ''[[The Good Wife (TV series)|Good Wife, The]]''
* ''[[Good Sam]]''
* ''[[Goodness Gracious Me]]''
* ''[[Goof Troop]]''
* ''[[Gossip Girl]]''
* ''[[Gotham (TV series)|Gotham]]''
* ''[[Grand Army]]''
* ''[[Gravitation]]''
* ''[[Gravity Falls]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Great Expectations (2011 TV serial)|Great Expectations]]''
* ''[[Great Teacher Onizuka]]'' (GTO)
* ''[[Greek (TV series)|Greek]]''
* ''[[Greenhouse Academy]]''
* ''[[Green Wing]]''
* ''[[Greg the Bunny]]''
* ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]''
* ''[[The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy|Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy, The]]''
* ''[[Grimm]]''
* ''[[Grojband]]''
* ''[[Grounded for Life]]''
* ''[[Guinevere Jones]]''
* ''[[Gullah Gullah Island]]''
* ''[[Gundam Seed]]''
* ''[[Gundam Wing]]''
* ''[[Godzilla]]''
{{col-end}}

===H===
{{col-begin}}
{{col-2}}
* ''[[H2O: Just Add Water]]''
* ''[[Hannah Montana]]''
* ''[[Hancock's Half Hour]]''
* ''[[The Handmaid's Tale (TV series)|Handmaid's Tale, The]]''
* ''[[Hangin' with Mr. Cooper]]''
* ''[[Hannibal (TV series)|Hannibal]]''
* ''[[Happy Days]]''
* ''[[Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law]]''
* ''[[Harper's Island]]''
* ''[[The Haunting of Bly Manor|Haunting of Bly Manor, The]]''
* ''[[The Haunting of Hill House (TV series)|Haunting of Hill House]]''
* ''[[Haven]]''
* [[Hawaii Five-0 (2010 TV series)|''Hawaii Five-0'' (2010)]]
* [[Hawaii Five-O (1968 TV series)|''Hawaii Five-O'' (1968)]]
* ''[[Heartland]]''
* ''[[Hellcats]]''
* ''[[Hell's Kitchen]]''
* ''[[Henry Danger]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Heroes (TV series)|Heroes]]''
* ''[[Hercules (1998 TV series)|Hercules]]''
* ''[[Hercules: The Legendary Journeys]]''
* ''[[Here Comes Honey Boo Boo]]''
* ''[[Herman's Head]]''
* ''[[Hetalia - Axis Powers]]''
* ''[[Hey Arnold!]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Hey Duggee]]''
* ''[[Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi]]''
* ''[[Highlander: The Series]]''
* ''[[The Hills|Hills, The]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hill Street Blues]]''
* ''[[Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy]]''
* ''[[Histeria!]]''
* ''[[History's Strongest Disciple: Kenichi]]''
* ''[[Hogan's Heroes]]''
*''[[House of Mouse]]''
* ''[[Holby City]]''
* ''[[Hollywood 7]]''
* ''[[Home and Away]]''
* ''[[Home Improvement]]''
* ''[[Home Movies]]''
* ''[[Homeland (TV series)|Homeland]]''
* ''[[Homicide: Life on the Street]]''
* ''[[The Honeymooners|Honeymooners, The]]''
* ''[[Hot in Cleveland]]''
* ''[[House (TV series)|House]]''
* ''[[House of Cards (trilogy)]]'' (''House of Cards'', ''To Play the King'', and ''The Final Cut'')
* ''[[House of Lies]]''
* ''[[How I Met Your Father]]''
* ''[[How I Met Your Mother]]''
* ''[[How We Roll]]''
* ''[[Human Giant]]''
* ''[[Human Target]]''
* ''[[Hustle]]''
{{col-end}}

==Requested==

===#===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[16 Hudson]]
* [[3 Amigonauts]]
* [[44 Cats]]
{{Col-end}}

===A===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[A Different World]]
* [[The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky|Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and His Best Friend Corky, The]]
* [[The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.|Adventures of Brisco County Jr., The]]
* [[The Adventures of Pete and Pete|Adventures of Pete and Pete, The]]
* [[The Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet|Adventures of Ozzie & Harriet, The]]
* [[After Life]]
* [[Agatha Christie's Marple]]
* [[Age of Warriors]]
* [[The Agency|Agency, The]]
* [[Aggretsuko]]
* [[A Gifted Man]]
* ''[[Airline]]''
* ''[[Airwolf]]''
* [[Aladdin (TV series)|Aladdin]]
* [[The Alan Alda Show|Alan Alda Show, The]]
* [[Alcatraz (TV Series)]]
* [[Alfred Hitchcock Presents]]
* [[Alice]]
* [[Alice's Wonderland Bakery]]
* [[Alien Nation]]
* [[Aliens in America]]
* [[Allegra's Window]]
* [[Alma's Way]]
* [[Alphas]]
* [[Always Greener]]
* ''[[Aishiteruze Baby]]'' (Love my baby)
* [[All Hail King Julien]]
* ''[[All My Childrens]]''
* [[All of Us]]
* [[All Saints]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Ancient Aliens]]
* [[Amazing Stories (1985 TV series)|Amazing Stories]]
* [[America's Funniest Home Videos (AFV)]]
* [[America's Funniest People]]
* [[America's Most Wanted]]
* [[Amphibia]] (Removed)
* [[Angelmouse]]
* [[Animal Armageddon]]
* [[Animal Stories]]
* [[Annoying Orange]] (Removed)
* [[Ants in Your Pants]]
* [[Archibald the Koala]]
* [[Archie Bunker's Place]]
* [[Are You Afraid of the Dark?]] (Removed)
* [[Arli$$]]
* [[As the World Turns]]
* [[As Told by Ginger]]
* [[The Ashlee Simpson Show|Ashlee Simpson Show, The]]
* [[The Assistant|Assistant, The]]
* [[Assy McGee]]
* [[Astro Boy]]
* [[Astroblast!]]
* [[Attack of the Show]]
* [[Attack on Titan]]
* [[Australian Idol]]
* [[The Avengers (TV series)|Avengers, The]]
* [[Average Joe 2 Hawaii]]
* [[American Pickers]]
* [[Aquarion]]
{{Col-end}}

===B===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[A Baby Story|Baby Story, A]]
* [[Babes]]
* [[Baby Daddy]]
* [[Baby Looney Tunes]]
* [[Balls of Steel]]
* [[Banshee]]
* [[Baywatch]]
* [[Beautiful People]]
* [[Beauty & the Beast (2012 TV series)]]
* [[Betrayal (TV series)|Betrayal]]
* [[Between the Lions]]
* [[The Beverly Hillbillies|Beverly Hillbillies, The]]
* [[Big Brother (US)]]
* [[Big Hero 6: The Series]] (Removed)
* [[Big Mouth]]
* [[Big O]]
* [[Black Lagoon]]
* [[Black Sheep Squadron]]
* [[The Block|Block, The]]
* [[Blood Drive]]
* [[Blood Ties]]
* [[Bloodline]]
{{Col-2}}
* [[Bloody Monday]]
* [[Blue Mountain State]]
* [[Big Blue Marble]]
* [[Birth Stories]]
* [[Blazing Dragons]]
* [[Bluey]]
* [[Bobby's World]]
* [[Bonanza]]
* [[Bonkers]]
* [[Boss]]
* [[Boy Girl Dog Cat Mouse Cheese]]
* [[Bo' Selecta]]
* [[Braceface]]
* [[Bravest Warriors]]
* [[Breadwinners]] (Removed)
* [[Bridget Loves Bernie]]
* [[Buck Rogers in the 25th Century]]
* [[Bugs Bunny Builders]]
* [[Bunk]]
* [[Bunnicula (TV series)|Bunnicula]]
* [[Butterbean's Cafe]]
* [[The Buzz on Maggie|Buzz on Maggie, The]] (Removed)
* [[Black Clover]]
{{Col-end}}

===C===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Caillou]]''
* ''[[Camp Lakebottom]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Cape|Cape, The]]''
* ''[[The Cape|Cape, The]]''
* ''[[Caprica]]''
* ''[[The Casagrandes|Casagrandes, The]]''
* ''[[Catscratch]]''
* ''[[Caroline in the City]]''
* [[Celebrity Deathmatch]]
* ''[[Celebrity Jeopardy]]''
* [[The City|City, The]]
* [[Charles in Charge]]
* [[Charlie's Angels (TV Series)]]
* [[CHiPs]]
* [[Cheat!]]
* [[Chute!]]
* [[Chelmsford 123]]
* ''[[Chicago PD]]''
* ''[[Childrens' Hospital]]''
{{Col-2}}
* [[Chōjin Sentai Jetman]]
* [[Chouriki Sentai Ohranger]]
* [[Chozen]]
* ''[[The Christopher Lowell Show|Christopher Lowell Show, The]]'' (aka ''It's Christopher Lowell'')
* [[Christy]]
* [[Cinematech: Nocturnal Emissions]]
* [[Clarissa Explains It All]]
* ''[[The Cleaner|Cleaner, The]]''
* [[Coach (TV series)|Coach]]
* [[Coconut Fred's Fruit Salad Island]]
* ''[[Comedy Central Presents]]''
* [[Commander in Chief]]
* [[Corn & Peg]]
* [[Craig of the Creek]]
* [[Cranford]]
* [[Crash & Bernstein]]
* [[Crazy Ex-Girlfriend]]
* [[Criss Angel Mindfreak]]
* [[The Crow: Stairway To Heaven|Crow: Stairway To Heaven, The]]
* [[Crusoe]]
{{Col-end}}

===D===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Da Ali G Show]]''
* ''[[DAG (TV series)|DAG]]''
* ''[[Dallas (1978 TV series)|Dallas]]'' (1978)
* [[The Dame Edna Experience|''Dame Edna Experience'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dance Baby Dance]]''
* ''[[Dancing with the Stars]]''
* ''[[Danger Force]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance]]''
* ''[[The Dark Side of the Moon (TV series)|The Dark Side of the Moon]]''
* ''[[Date with the Angels]]''
* ''[[Dating Rules From My Future Self]]''
* ''[[Deadliest Catch]]''
* ''[[Denji Sentai Megaranger]]''
* ''[[Dennis Miller Live]]''
* ''[[Dennis the Menace (1986)]]''
* ''[[Desert Punk]]''
* ''[[Designated Survivor]]''
* ''[[Dexter's Laboratory]]'' (Removed)
* ''[[Dinosaur King]]''
* ''[[Dirt (TV series)|Dirt]]''
* ''[[Disaster DIY]]''
* ''[[Doc Martin]]''
* ''[[Dog City]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Dog the Bounty Hunter]]''
* [[The Dog Whisperer|''Dog Whisperer'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Dog With A Blog]]''
* ''[[Donkey Hodie (TV series)|Donkey Hodie]]''
* ''[[Dr. 90210]]''
* ''[[Dr. Katz]]''
* ''[[Dr. Kildare]]''
* ''[[Dr. Phil (TV show)|Dr. Phil]]''
* ''[[Dr. Vegas]]''
* ''[[Dream Job]]''
* ''[[Dreamstone]]''
* ''[[Drew Carey's Green Screen]]''
* ''[[Drive (TV series)|Drive]]''
* ''[[Dual Survivor]]''
* ''[[Duro De Domar]]''
* ''[[Dynasty (TV series)|Dynasty]]''
* ''[[Dynomutt, Dog Wonder]]''
{{Col-end}}

===E===
* ''[[EastEnders]]''
* ''[[Eight is Enough]]''
* ''[[Eli Stone]]''
* ''[[Elinor Wonders Why]]''
* ''[[Elliot Moose (TV series)|Elliot Moose]]''
* ''[[Emergency!]]''
* ''[[Encantadia]]''
* ''[[The Equalizer (TV series)]]''
* ''[[Esme & Roy]]''
* ''[[Even Stevens]]''
* ''[[Evening Shade]]''
* ''[[Exchanging Vows]]''
* ''[[Extreme Makeover]]''
* ''[[Extreme Makeover: Home Edition]]''
* ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Entourage_(American_TV_series) Entourage]''
* [[The Epic Tales of Captain underpants|Epic Tales of Captain Underpants,The]] ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Epic_Tales_of_Captai_Underpants The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants]''
* [[The Eric Show|Eric Show, The]]

===F===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[F-Troop]]''
* [[Face Off]]
* [[Facts of Life]]
* [[Fairly Legal]]
* [[Family Feud]]
* [[Family Fortunes]]
* ''[[Family Matters]]''
* ''[[Fantasy Island]]''
* [[Fastlane]]
* [[Father Brown]]
* [[Fem myror är fler än fyra elefanter]]
* [[Ferb's Speaks]]
* [[Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman]]
* [[Filthy Rich (2020 TV series)|Filthy Rich]]
* [[Filthy Rich & Catflap]]
* [[Final Space]]
* ''[[Fish Hooks]]'' (Removed)
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Fishtronaut]]''
* ''[[Flash, The]]'' (1990)
* ''[[Flash Point]]''
* [[Flash Forward]]
* [[Flavor of Love]]
* [[Flight 2]]
* ''[[Fonejacker]]''
* [[Food Paradise]]
* [[Footballers Wives]]
* [[Franklin & Bash]]
* ''[[Free Stuff!]]''
* ''[[The Fringe]]''
* [[Fushigi Yuugi]]
{{Col-end}}

===G===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* [[G vs. E]] (aka ''Good vs. Evil'')
* [[Gary Unmarried]]
* [[Gary: Tank Commander]]
* [[Geeks Family]]
* [[Gekisou Sentai Carranger]]
* [[Gene Simmons's Family Jewels]]
* [[General Hospital]]
* [[Genie From Downunder]]
* [[Genie In the House]]
* [[Get Blake!]]
* [[Get Ed]]
* [[Getbackers]]
* [[G.I. Joe: Sigma Six]]
* ''[[G.I. Joe: Renegades]]''
* ''[[Glory Daze]]''
* ''[[GLOW]]''
* ''[[Gomer Pyle]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Good Eats]]''
* [[The Good Guys|Good Guys, The]]
* [[Good Times]]
* [[Go On]]
* [[Goons]]
* [[Gosei Sentai Dairanger]]
* [[Gran Hermano (spain)]]
* [[Grace Under Fire]]
* ''[[Graceland]]''
* ''[[Grand Tour, The]]''
* ''[[Great North, The]]''
* ''[[Green Acres]]''
* [[Grojband]]
* [[Growing Pains]]
* [[The Guild]]
* ''[[Gungrave]]''
{{Col-end}}

===H===
{{Col-begin}}
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hack]]''
* [[Halfway Home]]
* [[Halt & Catch Fire]]
* [[Hamish Macbeth]]
* [[Hamtaro]]
* ''[[Happy Endings]]''
* ''[[Happy Monster Band]]'' (Removed)
* [[Hat Squad (the)]]
* ''[[Have I Got News For You]]''
* [[Have Gun Will Travel]]
* [[He-Man and the Masters of the Universe]]
* [[Head of the Class]]
* [[Heartbeat]]
* [[Hector's House]]
* [[Heathcliff (1980)]]
* [[Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats]]
* ''[[Hennesey]]''
* ''[[Henry's Cat]]''
* ''[[Hex]]''
* ''[[Hey Dude!]]''
{{Col-2}}
* ''[[Hey Duggee]]''
* ''[[Hey Vern, It's Ernest!]]''
* ''[[Highway to Heaven]]''
* ''[[Higglytown Heroes]]''
* [[Hollyoaks]]
* [[Homefront]]
* [[Hope & Faith]]
* [[Hot L Baltimore]]
* [[House of Mouse]]
* [[The Hughleys|Hughleys, The]]
* [[Hyperdrive]]
* ''[[Hidden Hills]]''
* ''[[Hidden Palms]]''
* ''[[Horrid Henry]]''
* ''[[Horatio Hornblower]]''
* ''[[How to Make it In America]]''
* ''[[How Not to Live Your Life]]''
{{Col-end}}
* How to get away with murder

==Notes==
'''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new TV show articles to this list.

When creating a page for a show, please include the range of years the show was telecast and list key creators of the show, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:Television shows|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote:Templates/TV shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for television show articles.

After a show article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article.

If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for TV show quotations, please help us expand these articles that need attention to: found at [[:Category:TV stubs|TV stubs]] and [[:Category:TV cleanup|TV cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]].

==See also==
{{media lists}}
*[[Advertising slogans]]
* [[List of television shows (I–P)]]
* [[List of television shows (Q–Z)]]

==External links==
*[http://www.imdb.com/ IMDb: The Internet Movie Database]
*[http://dmoz.org/Arts/Television/ Open Directory Project: Arts> Television]
*[http://www.tv.com/ TV.com]
*[http://tv.yahoo.com/ Yahoo! TV]
*[http://www.on-this-day.com/cgi-bin/otd/tvotd/tvotd.pl/ Today in TV History]
*[http://https://myasiantv.at/love-in-contract-2022-episode-10-english-sub/ Korean Show: Arts> Love in Contract Episode 10]

[[Category:Lists|television shows]]
[[Category:Television shows|*]]

Girls5eva

2024-03-21T02:39:00Z

Sketchmoose: creating page

North & South (TV serial)

2018-04-19T23:32:35Z

Sketchmoose: {{tv-cleanup}}

{{tv-cleanup}}
'''''[[w:North & South (TV serial)|North & South]]''''' is a British television drama series.

==Quotes==
'''Episode 1'''

'''Margaret Hale''': My name is Margaret Hale. Who are you?

'''Man''': I'm Williams, Mr. Thornton's overseer. He asked me to seek out properties for your father.

'''Margaret''': [''takes a look around the room of the house''] How much is the rent of the year?

'''Williams''': Mr. Thornton will discuss these matters with your father. You need not trouble yourself.

'''Margaret''': I've no idea who your Mr. Thornton is. I thank him for his trouble, but my father and I are sharing the task of securing a property. I've spent the last few days seeing what Milton has to offer. So, I have a very good idea of price.

'''Williams''': Mr. Thornton thinks this will do very well for your father.

'''Margaret''': Where is Mr. Thornton?

'''Williams''': Excuse me?

Margaret: [''walks to the door''] Take me to see this Mr. Thornton. If you won't deal with me, I'll have to deal with him.

[''At the factory Margaret sees a young and handsome Mr. John Thornton standing on the podium overseeing the workers. But then he yells.'']

'''Mr. Thornton''': Stephens! Put that pipe out!

[''Stephens takes off in a run and Mr. Thornton books after him'']

'''Mr. Thornton''':I saw you! Come here! [''Catches up to him and pushes him against the wall searching his
pockets''] Smoking again!

'''Stephens''': I wasn't! I wasn't smokin', I swear!

'''Mr. Thornton''': [''finds the pipe''] Still warm. I warned you! [''yanks his shirt and punches him in the stomach and then the face. Margaret sees them both struggling.'']

'''Margaret''': Stop! [''Mr. Thornton throws Stephens to the ground and kicks him''] S--Stop, please, stop!

'''Mr. Thornton''': [''turns to her panting''] Who are you? What are you doing in here?

'''Margaret''': My name is Margaret Hale...

'''Williams''': Miss Hale! -I'm sorry, sir. I told her to stay in the office.

'''Mr. Thornton''': Get her out of here. [''to Stephens''] Aye, crawl away on you belly, and don't come back!

'''Stephens''': [''groaning''] Please, sir. I have little ones.

'''Mr. Thornton''': [''kicks him again''] You know the rules!

'''Stephens''': My children'll starve, sir.

'''Mr. Thornton''': Better they starve than burn to death! Get out before I call the police! [''to Williams and Margaret''] '''Get that woman out of here!'''

'''Mr. Hale''': Margaret? Is that you? [''sees her peeking through the study door''] Oh, Margaret! Come in, Margaret, come in. [''stands up with his mysterious guest''] Meet my new friend, and first proper pupil, Mr. Thornton. This is my daughter, Margaret.

[''Mr. Thornton stands and Margaret's smile fades as she recognizes him'']

'''Mr. Thornton''': I believe your daughter and I have already met.

===Episode 2===

'''John Thornton''': [''Walking into the sitting room and sees Mrs. Thornton sewing in her chair''] You still up? I thought you'd be exhausted.

'''Mrs. Thornton''': Why should I be? Where have you been?

'''John''': Just walking. [''sighs as he removes his tie'']

'''Mrs''': [''smiles skeptically''] And where have you been walking?

'''John''': I promised you I would not go there and I did not.

'''Mrs''': But?

'''John''': But... [''sits down across from her''] Mother, you know I will have to go there tomorrow, and you know what I will have to say.

'''Mrs''': Yes. You could hardly do otherwise.

'''John''': [''narrows his eyes''] What do you mean?

'''Mrs''': I mean, that you are bound in honor, and she has shown her feelings for all the world to see.

'''John''': Her feelings--?

'''Mrs''': She rushed out in front of an angry mob and saved you from danger. Or are you telling me I imagined that? Do you think none of the
servants saw? Do you think it has not become the tittle-tattle of Milton?

'''John''': She did save me. But, Mother... I dare not believe such a woman could care for me.

'''Mrs''': Don't be so foolish. What more proof do you need, that she should act in such a shameless way?

'''John''': [''breathes shakily'']

'''Mrs''': [''puts her hand on his cheek''] I'm sure she will take you from me. That is why I didn't want you to go and see her today. I wanted one last evening of being the first in your affections. [''looks down at her sewing''] I will have to change the initials in our linen. Bear her name now.
Hers and yours.

'''John''': I know she does not care for me... but I cannot remain silent, ''I must ask her''.

'''Mrs''': Don't be afraid, John. She has admitted to the world. I may yet even learn to like her for it. It must have taken her a great deal to
overcome her pride.

[''John smiles'']

'''John Thornton''': I've not noticed the color of this fruit. Miss Hale, I believe that I was very ungrateful yesterday.

'''Margaret Hale''': You have nothing to be grateful for.

'''John''': I think that I do.

'''Margaret''': Well, I did the least that anyone would have.

'''John''': That can't be true.

'''Margaret''': Well, I was... after all, responsible for placing you in danger. I would have done the same for any man there.

'''John''': Any man? So, you're saying you approve of the violence? You think I got what I deserved?

'''Margaret''': Oh, no. No, of course not. But they were desperate... if you had explained.

'''John''': I forgot. You imagine them to be your friends.

'''Margaret''': If you were to be reasonable...

'''John''': Me? Are you saying I'm unreasonable?

'''Margaret''': If you would talk with them, and not set the soldiers on them, I know --

'''John''': They will get what they deserve. Miss Hale, I did not come here just to thank you... I came because... I think it very likely -- I know I've never found myself in this position before. It's difficult to find the words. Miss Hale, my feelings for you... are very strong.

'''Margaret''': Please, stop. P--Please don't go any further.

'''John''': Excuse me?

'''Margaret''': Please don't continue in that way. It's not the way of a gentleman.

'''John''': I'm well aware that in your eyes at least, I'm not a gentleman. But I think I deserve to know why I am offensive.

'''Margaret''': It offends me that you should speak to me as if it were your ''duty'' to rescue my reputation!

'''John''': I spoke to you about my feelings because ''I love you''! I have no thought for your reputation!

'''Margaret''': You think that because you are rich... and my father is in reduced circumstances that you could have me for your possession?
I shouldn't expect any less from someone in trade!

'''John''': [''walks over to her'']'''I don't want to possess you! I wish to marry you because I love you!
'''

'''Margaret''': Well, you shouldn't! Because '''I do not like you, and never have.
'''
[''Long pause'']

'''John''': One minute we talk of the color of fruit... the next of love. How does that happen? [''turns away'']

'''Margaret''': My friend, Bessy Higgins... is dying.

'''John''': And that of course is my fault, too?

'''Margaret''': [''sighs ashamed''] I'm sorry.

'''John''': For what? That you find my feelings for you offensive? Or is it because I'm in trade, that you only think I'm capable in thinking of terms
of buying and selling? Or that I take pleasure in sending my employees to an early grave?!

'''Margaret''': No! No, no, of course not. I--I'm sorry to be so blunt. I've not learned yet how--how to refuse. Or how to respond when a man talks
to me as you just have.

'''John''': Oh, there are others? This happens to you every day? Of course. You must have to disappoint so many men that offer you their heart. [''about to turn and leave'']

'''Margaret''': Please, understand, Mr. Thornton--

'''John''': I do understand. I understand you ''completely''. [''turns and walks out of the study'']

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Television shows]]

Strictly Ballroom

2018-01-24T05:25:26Z

Sketchmoose: /* Dialogue */Corrected swapped character names, formatting

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Strictly Ballroom|Strictly Ballroom]]''''' is a [[w:1992 in film|1992]] [[w:Australia|Australian]] [[w:Romantic comedy film|romantic comedy film]] about Ken Railings, a championship ballroom dancer who wants to dance non-Federation steps and his unlikely dance partner, Fran, a seemingly plain and ordinary dancing student. It is adapted from the short [[w:1986|1986]] play of the same name.
:''Directed by [[w:Baz Luhrmann|Baz Luhrmann]]. Written by [[w:Baz Luhrmann|Baz Luhrmann]], [[w:Andrew Bovell|Andrew Bovell]] and [[w:Craig Pearce|Craig Pearce]]
<center>'''A life lived in fear... is a life half lived''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])</center>

== Scott Hastings ==
* We're telling a story. The rumba is the dance of love. Look at me like you're in love.

* I have to help Wayne with his bogo pogo.

* You know what I said about the rumba and it being pretend? I think I made a mistake.

* I don't want you to be like them. You're better than all of them.

* Look, a beginner has no right to approach an open amateur.

*Come on! (Echoes)

== Fran ==
* A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

* You really are a gutless wonder!

* Hard? ''Hard?'' How hard do you think it's been for ''me?'' To get you to dance with me in the first place? "Fran go get a squeegee mop" "Wash the coffee cups, Fran, how's your skin, Fran?" ''Hard?''

* I understand. You've got your Pan Pacifics to win and I'm back in beginners, where I belong.

== Doug Hastings ==
* ''[repeated line]'' Son, can I bend your ear for a tick?

* We had the chance but we were scared. We walked away. ''We lived our lives in fear!''

* ''[final line]'' Shall we dance?

== Barry Fife ==
* Well, you can dance any steps you like... that doesn't mean you'll win.

* One bad egg can rot the whole barrel.

* There are no new steps!

== Others ==
* '''Charlotte''': You stink but we still love yous, Frannie.

* '''Kylie''': A bit of musicality, ''please!''

* '''Liz:''' ''[to Scott]'' I'm not dancing with you, all right? I'm not dancing with you 'til you dance like you're supposed to!

== Dialogue ==

:'''Liz''': What do I want? I'll tell you what I want! I want Ken Railings to walk in here right now, and say "Pam Short's broken both her legs, and I want to dance with you!"
:''[We witness Pam Short in a car accident. Then the door flies open, and Ken walks in.]''
:'''Ken''': Pam Short's broken both her legs, and I want to dance with you.
:'''Kylie''': That was unexpected.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Scott''': Look, a beginner has no right to approach an Open Amateur.
:'''Fran''': Yeah, well an Open Amateur has no right to dance non-Federation steps, but you did, didn't you?
:'''Scott''': But that's different.
:'''Fran''': ''How'' is it different? You're just like the rest of them! You think you're different, but you're not, because you're just, you're just really scared! You're really scared to give someone new a go, because you think, you know, they might just be better than you are! Well, you're just pathetic, and you're gutless. You're a gutless wonder! ''[shouting]'' ''Vivir con miedo, es como vivir a medias!''

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Barry''': Where do you think we'd be if everyone went around making up their own steps?
:'''Ken''': Out of a job.

== Taglines ==
* A life lived in fear... is a life half-lived
* There's something in the air. It might be love -- but it isn't strictly ballroom.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Paul Mercurio|Paul Mercurio]] — Scott Hastings
* [[w:Pat Thomson|Pat Thomson]] — Shirley Hastings
* [[w:Barry Otto|Barry Otto]] — Doug Hastings
* [[w:Lauren Hewett|Lauren Hewett]] — Kylie Hastings
* [[w:Steve Grace|Steve Grace]] — Luke
* [[w:Tara Morice|Tara Morice]] — Fran
* [[w:Antonio Vargas|Antonio Vargas]] — Rico
* [[w:Bill Hunter (actor)|Bill Hunter]] — Barry Fife
* [[w:Peter Whitford|Peter Whitford]] — Les Kendall
* [[w:Gia Carides|Gia Carides]] — Liz Holt
* [[w:John Hannan|John Hannan]] — Ken Railings
* [[w:Kerry Shrimpton|Kerry Shrimpton]] — Pam Short
* [[w:Sonia Kruger|Sonia Kruger]] — Tina Sparkle
* [[w:Kris McQuade|Kris McQuade]] — Charm Leachman
* [[w:Pip Mushin|Pip Mushin]] — Wayne Burns
* [[w:Leonie Page|Leonie Page]] — Vanessa Cronin

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0105488|title=Strictly Ballroom}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1045568|title=Strictly Ballroom}}

[[Category:1992 films]]
[[Category:Australian films]]
[[Category:Romantic comedy films]]
[[Category:Dance films]]
[[Category:Baz Luhrmann films]]
[[Category:Films set in Australia]]

Mystery Science Theater 3000

2017-09-08T23:16:21Z

Sketchmoose: /* Cry Wilderness */Formatting

{{italic title}}
__NOTOC__
'''''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|Mystery Science Theater 3000]]''''' (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by [[wikt:riff|riff]]ing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing [[wikt:erudite|erudite]] cultural [[wikt:quip|quip]]s with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 movies, 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the ''MST3K'' [[wikt:canon|canon]]. (See [[#Notes|Notes]] below for help on using this page.)

{| border=1 align=center
! align=center bgcolor=#33FF33 | [[#Season 0|KTMA]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#The Green Slime|00]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Invaders from the Deep|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Revenge of the Mysterons|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Phase IV|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Cosmic Princess|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Humanoid Woman|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Fugitive Alien|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#SST: Death Flight|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Mighty Jack|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Superdome|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#City on Fire|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Time of the Apes|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Hangar 18|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#The Last Chase|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Legend of the Dinosaur|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=2 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#66CC99 | [[#Season 1|S1]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Crawling Eye|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Mad Monster|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Women of the Prehistoric Planet|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Corpse Vanishes|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Crawling Hand|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Robot Monster|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Slime People|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Project Moonbase|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Robot Holocaust|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Moon Zero Two|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Untamed Youth|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Black Scorpion|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 2|S2]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Rocketship X-M|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Sidehackers|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Jungle Goddess|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Catalina Caper|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Rocket Attack U.S.A.|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Ring of Terror|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Wild Rebels|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Lost Continent|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Hellcats|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#King Dinosaur|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#First Spaceship on Venus|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Godzilla vs. Megalon|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 3|S3]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Cave Dwellers|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera_2|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Pod People|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon_2|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Stranded in Space|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Time of the Apes_2|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Daddy-O|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos_2|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Amazing Colossal Man|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Fugitive Alien_2|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#It Conquered the World|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron_2|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Earth vs. the Spider|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Mighty Jack_2|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Teenage Caveman|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra_2|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Viking Women and the Sea Serpent|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II_2|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#War of the Colossal Beast|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Unearthly|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Master Ninja I|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Castle of Fu Manchu|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Master Ninja II|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 4|S4]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Space Travelers|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Giant Gila Monster|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#City Limits|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Teenagers from Outer Space|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Being from Another Planet|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Attack of the Giant Leeches|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Killer Shrews|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules Unchained|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Indestructible Man|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules Against the Moon Men|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Magic Sword|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules and the Captive Women|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Manhunt in Space|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Tormented|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Beatniks|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Fire Maidens of Outer Space|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Crash of the Moons|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Attack of the Eye Creatures|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Rebel Set|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Human Duplicators|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Monster A Go-Go|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Day the Earth Froze|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Bride of the Monster|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Manos: The Hands of Fate|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 5|S5]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Warrior of the Lost World|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Swamp Diamonds|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Secret Agent Super Dragon|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Magic Voyage of Sinbad|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Eegah|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#I Accuse My Parents|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Operation Double 007|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Girl in Lovers Lane|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Painted Hills|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gunslinger|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Mitchell|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Brain That Wouldn't Die|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Teen-Age Strangler|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Wild Wild World of Batwoman|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Alien from L.A.|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Beginning of the End|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Atomic Brain|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Outlaw|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Radar Secret Service|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Santa Claus|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Teen-Age Crime Wave|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Village of the Giants|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#12 to the Moon|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#FF9900 | [[#Season 6|S6]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Girls Town|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Invasion USA|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Dead Talk Back|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Zombie Nightmare|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Colossus and the Headhunters|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Creeping Terror|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Bloodlust!|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Code Name: Diamond Head|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Skydivers|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Violent Years|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Last of the Wild Horses|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Starfighters|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Sinister Urge|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#San Francisco International|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Kitten with a Whip|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Racket Girls|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Sword and the Dragon|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#High School Big Shot|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Red Zone Cuba|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Danger!! Death Ray|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Beast of Yucca Flats|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Angels Revenge|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Amazing Transparent Man|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Samson vs. the Vampire Women|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#FF6699 | [[#Season 7|S7]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Night of the Bloodbeast|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#The Brute Man|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#The Incredible Melting Man|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Escape 2000|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Laserblast|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=2 |  
| align=center bgcolor=#FF6699 colspan=11 | [[#Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=5 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CC99FF | [[#Season 8|S8]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Revenge of the Creature|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Leech Woman|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Mole People|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Deadly Mantis|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Thing That Couldn't Die|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Undead|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Terror from the Year 5000|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The She-Creature|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#I Was a Teenage Werewolf|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Giant Spider Invasion|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Parts: The Clonus Horror|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Jack Frost|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Riding with Death|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Agent for H.A.R.M.|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Prince of Space|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Horror of Party Beach|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Devil Doll|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Invasion of the Neptune Men|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Space Mutiny|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Time Chasers|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=2 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CC99FF | [[#Season 9|S9]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Projected Man|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Phantom Planet|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Puma Man|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Werewolf|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Deadly Bees|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Space Children|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Hobgoblins|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Touch of Satan|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Gorgo|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Final Sacrifice|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Devil Fish|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Screaming Skull|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Quest of the Delta Knights|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CC99FF | [[#Season 10|S10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Soultaker|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Girl in Gold Boots|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Future War|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Blood Waters of Dr. Z|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Track of the Moon Beast|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Final Justice|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Hamlet|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#It Lives by Night|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Horrors of Spider Island|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Squirm|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Diabolik|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center rowspan=3 bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Alphabet Antics (short)|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Appreciating Our Parents (short)|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Aquatic Wizards (short)|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Assignment: Venezuela (short)|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Body Care and Grooming (short)|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Case of Spring Fever (short)|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Catching Trouble (short)|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Century 21 Calling (short)|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Cheating (short)|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Circus on Ice (short)|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Date with Your Family (short)|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Day at the Fair (short)|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Days of Our Years (short)|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Design for Dreaming (short)|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Here Comes the Circus (short)|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=4 |  
|-
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Hired! Part 1 (short)|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Hired! Part 2 (short)|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Home Economics Story (short)|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Is This Love? (short)|24]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Johnny at the Fair (short)|25]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)|26]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Keeping Clean and Neat (short)|27]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Last Clear Chance (short)|28]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Money Talks (short)|29]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Mr. B Natural (short)|30]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)|31]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Out of This World (short)|32]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)|33]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)|34]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)|35]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Posture Pals (short)|36]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Progress Island USA (short)|37]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)|38]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)|39]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)|40]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=4 |  
|-
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)|41]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)|42]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)|43]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)|44]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)|45]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)|46]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)|47]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Selling Wizard (short)|48]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Snow Thrills (short)|49]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)|50]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Speech: Using Your Voice (short)|51]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Truck Farmer (short)|52]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)|53]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)|54]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)|55]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)|56]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#What to Do on a Date (short)|57]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)|58]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#X Marks the Spot (short)|59]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Young Man's Fancy (short)|60]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=4 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#99CC66 | [[#Specials|Spec]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 |  
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=5 | [[#Unknown episode|Unknown episode]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 |  
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=2 | [[#Notes|Notes]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=4 | [[#Major cast|Major cast]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=3 | [[#See also|See also]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=4 | [[#External links|External links]]
|} 

== Notes ==

* '''How to use this page'''. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a [[w:tooltip|tooltip]]. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
* '''What kind of quotes to add'''. Much of the humor in ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes ''do'' include ''MST3K'' humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).
* '''How to format quotes'''. See the [[Talk:Mystery Science Theater 3000|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.''
* '''What do the colors mean?''' The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for ''MST3K'':
{| border=1 align=center
! align=left bgcolor=#33FF33 | KTMA: Season 0
| bgcolor=#55FF55 | Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#66CC99 | Comedy Central: Season 1
| bgcolor=#88EEBB | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#CCCCFF | Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5
| bgcolor=#DDDDFF | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#FF9900 | Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6
| bgcolor=#FFBB22 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#FF6699 | Comedy Central: Season 7
| bgcolor=#FF88BB | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#FF6699 | Gramercy: ''MST3K: The Movie''
| bgcolor=#FF6699 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#CC99FF | Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10
| bgcolor=#EEBBFF | Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short features (various seasons)
| bgcolor=#EEFF55 | (various casts & channels)
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#99CC66 | CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews)
| bgcolor=#BBEE88 | Mike & the Bots
|} 
 

== KTMA (Season 0) ==

=== The Green Slime ===

:'''Man''': That's an asteroid!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!]]{{hnote|The promotional riff of the series.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': Hey, Crow.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes, Joel Hodgson?
:'''Joel''': I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
:'''Crow''': You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
:'''Joel''': It was on [[w:Stereo 8|8-track]].
:''[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]''

=== Invaders from the Deep ===

:''[Troy Tempest pilots the Stingray into a crater in the inkiest depths of the ocean bottom.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[softly]'' I was gonna say that!
:'''Crow''': I win you this time.

=== Revenge of the Mysterons ===

=== Star Force: Fugitive Alien II ===

:''[During an effects sequence.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They must've spent tens of dollars on this.

=== Gamera vs. Barugon ===

:'''Japanese General''': Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.

=== Gamera ===
:'''Crow''': Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— ''[a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence]'' —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
:'''Joel''': See, I told you guys it would work.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]''
:'''Dr. Hidaka''': The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
:''[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]''
:'''Joel''': There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]''
:'''Kenny''': Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?
:'''Joel''': Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]''
:'''Joel [as Catherine]''': When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole ''box'' of gravel.

=== Gamera vs. Gaos ===

:''[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]''
:'''Joel''': All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy.
:'''Gypsy''': Yeah, grow a brain already!

=== Gamera vs. Zigra ===

:''[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh my God, it's [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|Gordon Lightfoot]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Helen''': I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera!
:'''Joel''': Keep your shirt on, honey.

=== Gamera vs. Guiron ===

:'''Servo''': Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.

=== Phase IV ===

:'''Crow''': Looks kinda skinny. Must be a [[w:Karen Carpenter|Carpenter]] [[w:Carpenter ant|ant]]. ''[chuckling]'' Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause—
:'''Joel''': ''[horrified]'' Oh no...
:'''Crow''': Never mind.
:'''Joel''': You don't mean that...
:'''Servo''': [[w:Anorexia nervosa|Ant-orexic]].
:'''Crow''': ''[laughs]'' See? Servo got it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in ''[[The Flintstones]]''.
:'''Crow''': I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]''
:'''Crow''': Hope no one's eating rice at this point.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth?
:'''Crow''': Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill [[w:Sandy Frank|Sandy Frank]]!
:'''Servo''': Oh, that's just a ''given''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While the end credits roll.]''
:'''Crow''': I thought it was deep...
:'''Joel''': What did you think, Servo?
:'''Servo''': I thought it was pathetic.
:'''Crow''': So deep, we should've been wearing boots.
:'''Servo''': This made [[w:Gamera|flying turtles]] look good.

=== Cosmic Princess ===

:''[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]''
:'''Joel''': Kind of a [[w:jack-o'-lantern|jack-o'-lantern]] monster.
:'''Servo''': ''[deadpan]'' Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
:'''Crow''': I think the prop department ''juuuust'' ran out of money.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]''
:'''Tony''': 1... 2...
:'''Servo [as Tony]''': 3...
:'''Tony''': 5...
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': What?!
:'''Tony''': 6...
:'''Joel''': That's why they're in such trouble.
:'''Tony''': 7... 4.
:'''Crow''': Well, they are British.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the credits.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Nick Brimble|Nick Brimble]]! I had a knick on my Brimble once.

=== Humanoid Woman ===

:'''Joel''': The plot thickens.
:'''Servo''': Like rancid pea soup.

=== Fugitive Alien ===

:'''Joel''': Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet.

=== SST: Death Flight ===

:''[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]''
:'''Angela''': ''[vapidly]'' Hello!
:''[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Please put your ''brain'' under the seat in front of you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Passengers are boarding.]''
:'''Crow [as Attendant]''': Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]''
:'''Capt. Walsh''': Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Walsh]''': An oncoming plane.
:'''Capt. Walsh''': Although the sky above remains black…
:'''Crow [as Capt. Walsh]''': … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]''
:'''Carla Stanley''': Please, do something! We'll all be ''killed''!
:'''Crow''': I guess she's in charge of panicking.
:'''Servo [as Kingman]''': Okay, all the actors form a line! "[[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]" on the left, "[[w:Fantasy Island|Fantasy Island]]" on the right!

=== Mighty Jack ===

:''[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]''
:'''Joel''': So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing?

=== Superdome ===

:''[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Magnum, P.I.|Magnum, deep fried.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film ends just before the kickoff.]''
:'''Announcer''': There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.
:'''Servo''': ''[annoyed]'' Who won?
:'''Crow''': I know I'll never be quite the same.
:'''Joel''': This movie's history.
:'''Crow''': We're history.
:'''Joel''': Let's go.
:''[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]''
:'''Servo''': Who won? ... ''Who won?'' ... ''Who won the game?!''

=== City on Fire ===

:''[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–
:''[Barry Newman's credit appears.]''
:'''Crow''': Like Barry Newman.
:'''Servo''': So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I bet this was made in Canada.
:'''Servo''': ''Oui.''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]''
:'''Dr. Whitman''': You all know "Follow the Leader"?
:'''Crow''': This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]''
:'''Servo [as Diana]''': Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A woman is going into labor.]''
:'''Crow''': Get a catcher's mitt!
:'''Joel''': Boil some water.
:'''Crow''': Boil some newspapers!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Kinda sorry [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley]] bought it.
:'''Joel''': Yeah... kinda of a shame.
:'''Tom''': She bought it, but ''we'' paid for it.

=== Time of the Apes ===

:''[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]''
:'''Crow''': Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Still shot of two gorillas]''
:'''Crow''': Oh look, it's [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley Winters]] and [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]].

=== The Million Eyes of Sumuru ===

:''[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol [[w:Frankie Avalon|Frankie Avalon]]) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]''
:'''Joel''': Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
:'''Crow''': Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
:. . .
:'''Tommy''': I wonder if ''this'' is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
:'''Joel''': Good one, Frankie. ''We'll'' make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

=== Hangar 18 ===

=== The Last Chase ===

:''[a credit for the [[w:Canadian Film Development Corporation|Canadian Film Development Corporation]] appears]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it '''''SUCKED!!'''''

=== Legend of the Dinosaur ===

:'''Servo''': It's [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]], the [[w:Creature from the Black Lagoon|Creature from]] [[w:The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|the Blue Lagoon]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Reporter''': Everyone is asking the same question...
:'''Servo''': Why am I watching this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]''
:'''Joel''': It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.

== Season 1 ==

=== The Crawling Eye ===

:''[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]''
:'''Mountaineer''': His head! ... It was ''torn off''!
:'''Servo''': You say that like it's a ''bad'' thing.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]''
:'''Servo [as Conductor]''': Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.

<hr width="50%">
:''[A woman stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]''
:'''Joel [as mountain]''': ''[deeply]'' I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A woman is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike.]''
:'''Man''': Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!
:'''Servo''': I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.

=== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short) ====

:''[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]
:'''Crow [as Retik/Larry]''': [[w:Newhart#LarryDarryl2|I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Commando Cody''': Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Retik]''': It's an election year.
:'''Retik''': Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
:'''Commando Cody''': Why do you want to invade the Earth?
:'''Retik''': Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cody]''': Get a humidifier!

==== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) ====

:''[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]''
:'''Dr. Almada''': So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god [[w:Tezcatlipoca|Tezcatlipoca]].
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Almada]''': The god of decaffeinated coffee.
:'''Dr. Almada''': They were discovered by the tribal priests.
:''[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Dr. Almada]''': They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew [[Advertising slogans#manhandlers|how to handle a hungry man]].

<hr width=50%>
:''[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]''
:'''Joel''': Kind of looks like ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'', doesn't it?
:'''Servo [as Xochi]''': ''[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]''
:: I've reached the end of my life
:: And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]''
:'''Dr. Krupp''': Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
:'''Joel''': The ''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmo]]'' sex quiz?

=== Mad Monster ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short) ====

:''[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]''
:'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.

==== Mad Monster (movie) ====
:'''Servo''': Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Prof. Blaine''': Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!
:'''Joel''': Tell that to the NFL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]''
:'''Servo''': Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]''
:'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[viewing Cameron's lab]'' You seem to be excellently equipped.
:'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

=== Women of the Prehistoric Planet ===

:''[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]''
:'''Lt. Bradley''': Hi-keeba! Hup!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And I was gonna watch that all day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]], and [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': SHUT UP!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is he [[w:Primordial soup|primordial]] [[Advertising slogans#soup-yet|soup yet]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Scott]''': I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

=== The Corpse Vanishes ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short) ====

==== The Corpse Vanishes (movie) ====

:''[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!
:''[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lorenz]''': Thank you, I ''love'' cake!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]''
:'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Land Shark (Saturday Night Live)|Landshark]].
: . . .
:''[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]''
:'''Joel [as Landshark]''': Candygram.
: . . .
:''[The two women hear another knock at the door.]''
:'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Pizza delivery|Pizza delivery]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lorenz]''': I've got to go back here and talk to [[w:The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|the Lion and the Witch]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]''
:'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': Now you might feel a little sting...
:''[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]
:'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': OK, a big sting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[during the RAM chip segment]''
:'''Crow''': Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of ''mutants''!
:'''Joel''': ''[chuckles]'' OK...and a bad thing?
:'''Crow''': They were all so ''stupid'', they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
:'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

=== The Crawling Hand ===

:''[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]''
:'''Owner''': No dancing, not allowed.
:'''Joel''': This is just like ''[[w:Footloose|Footloose]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]''
:'''Crow [as Owner]''': No acting, not allowed.
: . . .

:''[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]''
:'''Owner''': No rats.
:'''Joel [as Owner]''': Unless they're on the menu.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey! Is this ''[[w:From Here to Eternity|From Here to Eternity]]''?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, it just seems like an eternity.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]''
:'''Marta''': Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
:'''Paul''': "Stacked"?
:'''Crow [as Paul]''': "Stacked" means you're really smart.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Police Officer''': Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?
:'''Crow [as Officer]''': [[w:Koan|The sound of one hand clapping]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a [[w:geiger counter|geiger counter]].]''
:'''Dr. Weitzberg''': Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
:'''Joel''': Must be a talent meter.

=== Robot Monster ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short) ====
:''[Tom sneezes violently]''
:'''Joel''': Bless you!
:'''Crow''': Gesundheit.
:'''Joel''': You're not supposed to do that...

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) ====

==== Robot Monster (movie) ====

:''[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]''
:'''Ro-Man''': Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
:'''Joel [as Ro-Man]''': We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.

<hr width="50%"/>
: ''[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]''
: '''Ro-Man''': And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.
: '''Crow''': He's so negative!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]''
:'''Joel''': Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen ''[[Salvador Dalí|Dali]]'' paintings that make more sense than this movie does.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between [[w:surrealism|surrealism]] and costume-shop closeouts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]''
:'''Joel''': That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]''
:'''Great Guidance''': To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ro-Man]''': Me-man?
:'''Ro-Man''': Yes. ''[distressed]'' To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
:'''Great Guidance''': You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy ''you''.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ro-Man]''': Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
:'''Servo [as Great Guidance]''': Do not violate ape law!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Johnny''': I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are!
:''[Short pause.]''
:'''Ro-Man''': Now I will kill you.

=== The Slime People ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short) ====

:''[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hip? Not. Ick!

==== The Slime People (movie) ====

:''[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gregory]''': Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Answering Machine]''': Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]''
:'''Tolliver''': Genius waits for no one!
:'''Crow''': But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
: . . .
:''[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]''
:'''Tolliver''': I… I've never seen anything like it!
:'''Servo''': Even in [[w:Tijuana|Tijuana]]!
: . . .
:''[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]''
:'''Joel''': Lookit — they're all on their way to a [[w:George Romero|George Romero]] [[Dawn of the Dead|film]] festival!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]''
:'''Gregory''': Look at this. Blonde hair.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': At night.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': In a fog.

=== Project Moonbase ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short) ====

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) ====

==== Project Moonbase (movie) ====

:''[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers ''back'' to Brooklyn.

=== Robot Holocaust ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short) ====

==== Robot Holocaust (movie) ====

:''[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]''
:'''Valeria''': You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
:'''Torque''': Yes!
:'''Valeria''': Do you unduhstand, old man?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah! It's ''young girl'' I don't understand.
:'''Valeria''': Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Jorn]''': Yeah. Do you know [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]?
:'''Valeria''': Vewy well. Towque, go now.
:'''Joel [as Jorn]''': Uh, what about [[w:Barbara Walters|Barbara Walters]], or, uh, [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]]? [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]''
:'''Narrator''': A dagger is placed into the ground—
:'''Servo''': A voice-over is placed into the script.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A severed head rolls past]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, it's a spare!
:'''Crow''': Gutter head.

=== Moon Zero Two ===

:''[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Hey it's in color!
:'''Joel''': Yeah.
:'''Servo''': Really bad music already, this is great.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Is this a ''Pink Panther'' movie?
:'''Joel''': No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
:'''Servo''': Why would they use cartoons?
:'''Joel''': Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
:'''Servo''': ''[dubiously]'' Ah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]''
:'''Clementine''': He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.
:'''Capt. Kemp''': He's probably waiting at Moon City.
:'''Clementine''': Mmm, that's what the man said.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Kemp]''': [[w:Listen to What the Man Said|Don't you listen to what the man says]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]''
:'''Korminski''': Yes, ''thees'' time, we ''can'' pay the bill, okay?!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Korminski/[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]]''': Hch-okay, Mee-ster [[Fawlty Towers|Fawlty]]!
: . . .
:''[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]''
:'''Hubbard''': That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
:'''Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]''': ''[annoyed]'' He's from Barcelona.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Kaboom!_(video_game)|Kaboom!]]'' would become ''Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!''

=== Untamed Youth ===

:''[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]''
:'''Crow [as Penny]''': Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
:'''Servo [as Farmhand]''': Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a [[w:Sock hop|sock hop]] in their quarters.]''
:'''Joel''': That's the problem with today's youth. ''This'' is how their image of prison is.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jane''': Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.
:'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[Aida]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bob Steele''': That's the ''worst'' part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her ''name''.
:'''Crow''': She shoulda died at [[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]] — then everyone woulda known her name.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Penny (blonde bombshell [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]]) performs a [[w:Calypso music|calypso]] song and dance, backed by male dancers.]''
:'''Penny''': Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
:'''Joel''': What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
:'''Servo''': I don't wanna know.

=== The Black Scorpion ===

:''[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]''
:'''Narrator''': … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
: . . .
:'''Narrator''': … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]''
:'''Hank''': Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
:'''Artur''': Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
:'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': ''[singing]'' Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
:''[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]''
:'''Servo [as Artur]''': I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in ''water'' first.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]''
:'''Hank''': … I found something a lot more interesting!
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
:'''Crow''': Only mounted. {{hnote|Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who ''was'' stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]''
:'''Dr. Velazco''': But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—
:'''Servo [as Velazco]''': We're small. We can run fast.
:'''Dr. Velazco''': Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
:'''Crow [as Velazco]''': And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]''
:'''Crow [as Tour Guide]''': Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the ''right'' side of the train…
:'''Servo [as Scorpion]''': Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just ''love'' trains.
:''[The passengers flee the train.]''
:'''Joel [as Company Rep]''': Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.

== Season 2 ==

=== Rocketship X-M ===

:'''Lisa''': How do we stand on fuel now?
:'''Crow''': I'm ''for'' it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Astronaut]''': Well...that could have gone better.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tooter Turtle]''': Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Other Astronaut]''': Nonsense!
:'''Servo [as King Arthur]''': Run away! Run away!
:'''Joel [as Tooter Turtle]''': I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!
:''[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]''
:'''Servo [as Shaggy]''': Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
:'''Crow [as Mr. Wizard]''': Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
:'''Servo [as Mr. Wizard]''': Time for zis vun to come home!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people ''dying'' in a capsule.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah, why couldn't you just show us ''[[w:Marooned (film)|Marooned]]''?
:'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': We couldn't get it!

=== The Sidehackers ===

:''[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]''
:'''Joel''': This grass... It's... drugged!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]''
: '''Crow''': It was about that time the [[The Dukes of Hazzard|Duke boys]] decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about.

<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Paisley''': Why can't I reach you?
: '''Crow''': There's a ladder in the way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''J.C.''': ''[after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious]'' I treated you like a brother!
:'''Crow''': Not a good brother...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Big Jake''': He hit Big Jake!

=== Jungle Goddess ===

==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short) ====

:''[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': I forget who did what here. I say, "[[Latin proverbs#Kill them all|Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out.]]"

==== Jungle Goddess (movie) ====

:''[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'' [[w:George Reeves|George Reeves]]) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]''
:'''Mike''': Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Mike]''': Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]''
:'''Bob''': No doubt about it. It's kronotite.
:'''Mike''': Are you sure?
:'''Bob''': I'd stake my life on it.
:'''Crow''': That's already in the kitty, Bob.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]''
:'''Bob''': ''[sarcastic]'' White goddess having trouble?
:'''Crow''': White fascist getting smart?

=== Catalina Caper ===

:'''Bob Draper''': Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.
:'''Don Pringle''': Don Pringle.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Don]''': Heir to the [[w:Pringles|potato chip]] fortune.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the Catalina ferry [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]''
:'''Crow''': Little Richard? I hate [[w:Rich Little|impressionists!]]
:. . .
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Prince (artist)|Prince]], I hope you're watching this!
:'''Joel''': I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
:'''Crow''': Little Richard: the one ''true'' talent in this film!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Katrina''': His name is Angelo.
:'''Servo''': He's a [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]''
:'''Servo''': I feel a number coming on…
:'''Carol Connors''': Hey, we better do something, and quick!
:'''Various Cascades''': Yeah! Let's do something.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Gloria Estefan|Gloria Estefan]] and the Catalina [[w:deus ex machina|Deus Ex]] [[w:Gloria Estefan#1984-1988: The Miami Sound Machine|Sound Machina]]!

=== Rocket Attack U.S.A. ===

==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short) ====

==== Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) ====

:''[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]''
:'''Joel''': All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? ''[Servo buzzes in]'' Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
:'''Servo''': Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
:'''Joel''': Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
:'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' DUCK AND COVER!
:'''Joel''': Is right for five points.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]''
:'''Manston''': Hard to believe that a group of ''civilized'' men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
:'''Joel [as Manston]''': That's why we've ''got'' to ''crush'' them!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]''
:'''General''': If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': You mean an [[w:Ronald_Reagan|actor becoming President]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[General Watkins answers his phone.]''
:'''General''': Hello?
:'''Joel [as voice on other end]''': Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?
:'''General''': Yes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park]'' [[Psycho (1960 film)#Taglines|Nobody will be admitted]] during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]''
:'''Manston''': Did Lars give you the TNT?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tanya]''': He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[New York has just been nuked.]''
:'''Crow''': It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The very first ''MST3K'' "stinger"]''
:'''Blind Guy''': Help me.

=== Ring of Terror ===

==== Ring of Terror (movie) ====

:''[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Moffitt]''': Aw, she's the [[wikt:ginchy|ginchiest]]. Life ''does'' begin at 40.
:''[He puts on a sweater.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffitt]''': Let's see… ''[groans]'' …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Moffitt/Old Man]''': I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]''
:'''Crow''': I'm a lamp.

==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short) ====

:''[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': It's called a [[w:rubiks cube|Rubiks Cube]]. Don't screw it up!

=== Wild Rebels ===

:''[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an [[w:syrup_of_ipecac|ipecac]].
:'''Joel''': An epa— oh, that [[w:Abacab|Genesis album]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:The Road Not Taken|Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.]]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Adman]''': You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's [[w:Miller Brewing|Miller Time]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Banjo]''': Not this way, man, my mom will see me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, look! [[w:Erik Estrada|Erik Estrada]]!

=== Lost Continent ===
:''[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, look! A [[w:V-2|V-2]]!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': Aw, I could've had a [[w:V8 (beverage)|V8]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]''
:'''Nolan''': Aren't you coming with us?
:'''Native Girl''': ''[nervously]'' Nooo!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Native Girl]''': Me no got lead sarong.
:'''Native Girl''': Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Native Girl]''': Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]''
:'''Crow''': Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film!

=== The Hellcats ===

: '''Biker''': ''[to Ross Hagen]'' Where ya from?
: '''Servo''': ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000#The Sidehackers|Sidehackers]]''.

=== King Dinosaur ===

==== X Marks the Spot (short) ====

:''[title card features a large ''X'', with ''Marks the Spot'' fading in atop it.]''
:'''Crow''': ''Marks the Spot''? Is that like ''[[w:Mack the Knife|Mack the Knife]]''?
:'''Joel''': No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]''
:'''Commissioner Magee''': The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Magee]''': If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.
:'''Commissioner Magee''': We kill…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
:'''Commissioner Magee''': …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Magee/[[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]]''': You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene fades to an intersection]''
:'''Narrator''': Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Called "Blood Alley."
:'''Narrator''': No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': It made you feel happy.
:''[Scene pans to a car approaching]''
:'''Narrator''': Here comes someone from one direction and...
:''[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]''
:'''Narrator''': ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!
:''[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]
:'''Servo''': Well, I guess ''he'' can't be a witness...

==== King Dinosaur (movie) ====

:''[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" <s>iguana</s> [[w:T. rex|T. rex]].]''
:'''Dr. Bennett''': Oh Ralph, what is it?!
:'''Crow''': ''[yelling]'' It's an iguana, now shut up!

=== First Spaceship on Venus ===

:''[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]''
:'''Brinkman''': Sumiko!
:'''Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]''': I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
:'''Sumiko''': Brinkman! ''[An uneasy moment passes.]'' Have I changed that much?
:'''Joel [as Brinkman]''': Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brinkman]''': Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, [[w:The Blob|Blob]]-like slick chasing them.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, where's [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]] when you need him?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]''
:'''Crow''': Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?

=== Godzilla vs. Megalon ===

:'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]''
:'''Goro''': Hey! The rocket!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[Snorts]'' Rockets!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': On a picnic?
: . . .
:'''Rokuro''': Help me! Hurry up!
:'''Joel''': Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!
: . . .
:''[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]''
:'''Servo''': Guess a rocket ''is'' standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah.
:'''Servo''': Yep!
:'''Crow [as Picnicker]''': Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]''
:'''Jinkawa''': ''[to Goro]'' Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
:'''Joel [as Goro]''': Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]''
:'''Crow [as a Narrator]''': Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! [[w:Maniac (song)|He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...]]
:. . .
:''[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]''
:'''Joel''': They've just created [[w:Jennifer Beals|Jennifer Beals]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]''
:'''Joel [as Capt. Willard]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]''
:'''Goro''': Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
:'''Servo''': ''[Sarcastically]'' No, it's another superhero of your own design!
:'''Goro''': They're controlling him.
:'''Rok-san''': It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!
:'''Crow''': Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
:'''Joel''': Um, no.
:'''Servo''': Not ''this'' kid.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Jinkawa]''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]''
:'''Servo''': I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...
:. . .
:'''Crow''': He's got a foreign object!
:'''Servo''': He ''is'' a foreign object!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]''
:'''Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]''': [[w:They Live|I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]''
:'''Crow [as Megalon/[[w:General Zod|General Zod]]]''': You ''will'' bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
:'''Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]''': Do you expect me to ''talk''?
:'''Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]''': No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to ''die''!
:'''Servo''': Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]''
:'''Servo [as Megalon]''': Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]''
:'''Servo [as Sportscaster]''': Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]''
:'''Rok-san''': Godzilla! Bye-bye!
:'''Servo [as Goro]''': Thanks for leveling our country!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]''
:'''Goro''': ''[Into medallion]'' Jet Jaguar! Let's go home!
:''[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]''
:'''Crow [as Jet Jaguar]''': Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!

=== Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster ===

:''[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Godzilla]''': Hey! Whadda ya think I am, [[w:Tippi Hedren|Tippi]] [[w:The Birds (film)|Hedren]]? Get outta here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.{{hnote|A reference to the ''National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue'', the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, ''The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life'', with many Bond girls.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:kebab|Kabob]] and Ka-Steve!

== Season 3 ==

=== Cave Dwellers ===

:''[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': How much Keefe is in this movie?
:'''Servo''': Oh, ''Miles O' Keefe''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ator''': Man's destiny is predetermined.
:'''Joel''': Oh, he's a [[w:Calvinism|Calvinist]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]''
:'''Servo [as one of the villains]''': You idiot, we don't even have a [[w:deer hunting|doe license]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]''
:'''Joel [as Mila]''': Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.
:'''Tom [as Mila]''': What would [[w:MacGyver|MacGyver]] do?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]''
:'''Narrator''': After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, you mean the '80s.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': He never killed, uh, that big a ''puppet'' before.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
:'''Servo''': Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we ''finally'' have our first plot point!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire ''villains'' in this movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]''
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's not slimy at all!
:'''Servo''': That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
: . . .
:'''Servo''': Just cut the wires, Ator!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, come ''on''.
:'''Crow''': What the…?!
:'''Servo''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Joel''': Terrific. ''[childlike voice]'' [[w:The Pee-wee Herman Show|I'm the luckiest boy in the world!]] [[w:John Gillespie Magee, Jr.|I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!]]
:'''Servo''': This is a ''little'' ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? ''[…]'' learned aerodynamics…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Message for you, sir!]]'' Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
:'''Joel''': Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, he's landing in the [[w:outback|outback]] now.
:''[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]''
:'''Crow''': Uh— huh?
:'''Joel''': How'd he do that?
:'''Servo [as Ator]''': How'd I do that?
:''[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]''
:'''Joel''': Well, I s'pose he's got a [[w:tank|tank]] in the courtyard, now.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, and it's made out of [[w:Gilligan's Island|coconuts]].

=== Gamera ===
:''[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gamera]''': Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound.
:'''Servo''': ''[defensive]'' Shut up! It's not funny. ''[Scoffs]''
:'''Kenny''': ''[looking for his turtle]'' You there?
:'''Servo''': ''[beginning to get a little sad]'' Oh Tibby...
:'''Kenny''': Tibby?
:'''Crow''': [[w:To Be, or Not to Be|...or not Tibby]].
:'''Servo''': It's not- Stop it! Shut up!
:'''Kenny''': Tibby!
:'''Crow [as Kenny]''': Tibby! Tibby! ''SQUISH!'' Aww, Tibby!
:'''Servo''': ''[getting more emotional]'' That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop!
:'''Kenny''': Tibby??? Tibby!
:'''Joel''': What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom.
:'''Servo''': ''[gets up and begins to walk away]'' I'm leaving! I ha- ''[sobbing]'' I can't take this, this is terrible!
:'''Joel''': Come on back, come on.
:'''Servo''': ''[returning to his seat]'' Will you stop with the jokes?
:'''Joel''': Yeah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]''
:'''Kenny''': Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Murase]''': Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
:'''Dr. Murase''': Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
:'''General''': Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Murase]''': Because Kenny ''said'' so.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]''
:'''Newsman''': There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...
:'''Crow [as Newsman]''': ... and Kenny...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Murase''': Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
:'''Servo''': More Gamera movies?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]''
:'''Announcer''': The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Kenny, however, is free to move about.

=== Pod People ===

:''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] karaoke machine]''
:'''Dr. Forrester''': For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "[[w:I Want to Know What Love Is|I Want to Know What Love Is]]" by Foreigner?
:'''TV's Frank''': People vomit?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Your movie today is ''Pod People''. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has ''everything'' to do with hurting!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:It was a dark and stormy night|It was a dark and stormy night]]. I'd taken a creative writing class.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]''
:'''Hunter #1''': What the hell is that?
:'''Hunter #2''': I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
:'''Crow''': A ''[[w:pear|pear]]''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, what is he, an ''[[w:Los_Angeles_riots_of_1992|L.A. Cop]]''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]''
:'''Rick''': It stinks!{{hnote|The movie was filmed in Spain, where the "okay" sign is given to indicate something is worthless (a zero).}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
:'''Crow''': Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
:'''Joel [as Adman]''': It's because of [[w:Smuckers|Smuckers]] raspberry preserves.
:'''Crow''': And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]''
:'''Servo''': Syntho-birds.
:'''Crow''': Hey, it's a [[w:Casio|Casio]] forest.
:'''Joel''': They parked next to a data stream.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]''
:'''Joel [as Tommy]''': Hey, what gives? [[w:Carton#Faces of missing children|''I'm'' on the milk carton]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tommy''': You know what "play" means, Trumpy?
:'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': Yes, it's where I break you in half.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]''
:'''Tommy''': You see? The pieces go together.
:'''Joel''': Oh, if only this ''film'' were so lucky.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]''
:'''Joel''': They got ''[[w:Wild Kingdom|Wild Kingdom]]'' on the telescope.
: . . .
:'''Tommy''': You can do ''magic'' things!
:''[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]''
:'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': It's called "evil", kid.
:'''Servo''': Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
:'''Joel''': He's got [[w:Bette Davis Eyes|Bette Davis eyes]].
:'''Crow''': [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]] eyes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]
:'''Crow [as Molly]''': Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Meanwhile, in another movie? ''[sighs]'' Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tommy's mother''': Tommy, can you hear me?
:'''Joel [as Tommy's mother]''': [[w:Tommy (album)|Can you feel me near you?]]

<hr width=''50%"/>
(Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly)
:'''Joel''': I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!
:'''Servo''': I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams)
: . . .
:'''Joel''': ''Oh, we've got commercial sign!!''

=== Gamera vs. Barugon ===

:''[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Bible#death-sting|Death, where is thy sting?]] We're ''waiting''.

=== Stranded in Space ===

=== Time of the Apes ===

:''[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Caroline]''': My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]''
:'''Crow [as Officer]''': About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Caroline''': Catherine, I'm scared!
:'''Catherine''': Don't worry, we're with you.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We're doomed, but with you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]''
:'''Catherine''': Hurry, this way!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, like you know where you're going!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!

=== Daddy-O ===

==== Alphabet Antics (short) ====

:''[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]''
:'''Servo''': D is for damned, as in "[[w:Village Of The Damned|Village Of]]".
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as dancing boy/Hitler]''': You vill dance with me, Eva!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]''
:'''Servo [as giraffe]''': I want a Clark bar.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]''
:'''Joel''': I is for Ike. He hides inside.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]''
:'''Joel''': Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.
:. . .
:''[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]''
:'''Joel''': And there's Elvis now.
:. . .
:''[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[before the narrator can talk]'' N is for float... huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': O is for once...
:'''Servo''': "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?
:. . .
:''[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]''
:'''Servo''': O is for the obscene treatment of animals.
:. . .
:'''Joel''': P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': P is for plagiarism from [[w:Ogden Nash|Ogden Nash]]! {{hnote|The narrator's line is lifted from ''The Pelican'', a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, these are all boys!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': U is for upchuck that comes from below. ''[imiates vomiting]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': X is for Xmas...
:'''Servo''': X is for existential dilemma.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Yeah, well, Y is for [[w:Yanni|Yanni]], as far as I'm concerned.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]''
:'''Joel''': Y is the chemical symbol for [[w:yttrium|heavy metals]] that the fish is full of!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film ends]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness.

==== Daddy-O (movie) ====

:''[Upon seeing title of movie]''
:'''Crow''': Daddy-O!
:'''Servo''': Must be [[W:Harry O|Harry O]]'s father. Or [[w:Wendy O. Williams|Wendy O.]]'s dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]''
:'''Crow [as Chillas]''': Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]''
:'''Crow [as Chillas]''': You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]''
:'''Joel [as Chillas]''': Let's eat some butter. ''Gobs'' of butter. Big handfuls!
:''[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]''
:'''Phil''': What's this?
:'''Servo [as Chillas]''': It's made of butter.

=== Gamera vs. Gaos ===

:''[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, bless you.
:''[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[startled]'' Was ''he'' mooing?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Photographer''': ''[trying to get Eiichi's attention]'' Hey, Boy! Boy!
:'''Joel''': [[w:West Side Story|Crazy Boy!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]''
:'''Crow''': Welcome to this week's edition of ''[[w:Meet the Press|Eat the Press]]''.

=== The Amazing Colossal Man ===

:''[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in Irish accent]'' Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[in old lady voice]'' Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Glenn''': All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.
:'''Joel [as Glenn]''': I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
:'''Glenn''': ''I don't want to grow anymore!''
:'''Joel [as Glenn]''': ''I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield.

=== Fugitive Alien ===

:''[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]''
:'''Joel [as Jack Perkins]''': Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in ''well'' over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… ''horribly'' old.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]''
:: This is the song written for the train chase.
:: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
:: He tried to kill me with a forklift…
:: Olé!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ken''': There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

=== It Conquered the World ===

==== Snow Thrills (short) ====

: ''[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]''
:'''Tom''': Boy, all this just to talk to [[w:Jim McKay|Jim McKay]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]''
:'''Narrator''': ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!
:'''Joel''': Yeah, well, you're full of skit.
:. . .
:''[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]''
:'''Tom''': Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

==== It Conquered the World (movie) ====

:''[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson ([[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]]) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]''
:'''Paul Nelson''': I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
:'''Servo [as Tom Anderson]''': Then gimme back my cocktail.
:'''Tom Anderson''': It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
:'''Crow [as Tom Anderson]''': Bitter? Oh, a ''tad''.
: . . .
:''[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]''
:'''Joan Nelson''': A personal ''friend'' of yours?
:'''Servo [as Joan]''': Name dropper!
:'''Claire Anderson''': ''[sarcastically]'' Real chums.
:'''Tom Anderson''': The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
:'''Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]''': [[Superman II#General Zod|You will bow down before me!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul Nelson ([[w:Peter Graves (actor)|Peter Graves]]) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]''
:'''Paul Nelson''': He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.

=== Gamera vs. Guiron ===

:''[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the Nestlé's jingle]'' M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' Movies — NOT!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]''
:'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An establishing shot of [[w:Gaos|Gaos]]]''
:'''Joel''': [[w:Come Together|Here comes old flattop...]]
:'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' Don't! [[George Harrison]] will sue you!
:'''Joel''': Oops, sorry!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]''
:'''Joel [as Space Girl]''': Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]''
:'''Akio''': Hey, what happened to my hair?
:'''Tom''': The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
:'''Joel''': They '''''ate''''' my hair?
:''[this particular joke was improvised by [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh's Servo]] in [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Gamera vs. Guiron|the original KTMA episode]]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]''
:'''Crow [as Tomoko]''': I'll show her! [[w:Yoko Ono|I'm gonna grow up to break up]] [[The Beatles]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]''
:'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[in psychotic child voice]'' When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]''
:'''Tom's Mother''': Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom.
:'''Crow''': It's Vanessa Redgrave!
:''[Aiko's mother approaches]''
:'''Aiko's Mother''': Hello Elsa...
:'''Servo''': Hello, Inga.
:'''Tom's Mother''': Hello, thank you.
:'''Joel''': Hello!
:'''Tom's Mother''': ...thank you again.
:'''Servo''': Hello.
:'''Crow''': Thank you.
:'''Joel''': Hello.
:'''Aiko's Mother''': ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned.
:'''Joel''': Thank you.
:'''Tom's Mother''': I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it?
:'''Crow''': Hello.
:'''Aiko's Mother''': No, and there's no use to ask her...
:''[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]''
:'''Servo [as Tomoko]''': I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me!
:'''Tom's Mother''': ...you said space?
:'''Aiko's Mother''': Yeah.
:'''Joel''': Hello!
:'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer.
:'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Thank you!
:'''Aiko's Mother''': So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up.
:'''Servo''': Hahahaha...
:'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Hello!
:'''Crow''': That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you!
:'''Joel''': Hello.
:'''Crow''': Thank you.
:'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer.
:'''Tom's Mother''': Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay.
:'''Joel''': Thank you.
:'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you!
:'''Aiko's Mother''': ...please drop in for tea.
:'''Crow''': Hello.
:'''Tom's Mother''': Thanks, but I'm in a hurry.
:'''Aiko's Mother''': I see...
:'''Servo''': Thank you.
:'''Crow''': Bye.
:'''Joel''': Hello, and thank you!
:''[Tom's mother gets in her car]''
:'''Crow''': Thank you for going.
:'''Joel''': Hello.
:'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello!
:''[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]''
:'''Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]''': Shut up and keep driving! And thank you!
:'''Tomoko''': Hello!
:'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Hello!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]''
:'''Tomoko''': Kon-chan?
:'''Officer Kondo''': Heh? What?
:'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[whispers]'' They will all die by Gamera's hand!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]''
:'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

=== Earth vs. the Spider ===

==== Speech: Using Your Voice (short) ====

:'''Professor Bueller''': Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
:'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...or an arm...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]''
:'''Professor Bueller''': Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
:'''Servo [as Bueller]''': Oh, and you must have a wire rack.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Professor Bueller''': Do you know...
:'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]
:'''Man #1''': Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
:'''Crow [as Man #1]''': Uh... er... panties!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]
:'''Bueller''': Now, let's look at another typical example.
:''[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]''
:'''Crow [as Bueller]''': This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now ''he'' is pleasing.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]''
:'''Man #2''': Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
:'''Crow [as Man #2]''': Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
:'''Man #2''': I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
:'''Servo''': Ah, [[Garrison Keillor]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Professor Bueller''': Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...
:'''Joel [as Bueller]''': ...will wish he were dead.

==== Earth vs. the Spider (movie) ====

:''[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': No, [[w:Doctor Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Erhardt]], no! So ''that's'' what happened to him!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wow.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Erhardt]''': Enjoy! {{hnote|The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel mentions [[w:KISS_%28band%29|KISS]]]''
:'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were '''NEVER''' cool!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]''
:'''Crow''': It's Rose Kennedy!

=== Mighty Jack ===
:''[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]''
:'''Joel''': Sex cameraman? Is this a–
:'''Servo''': No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Blow the Man Down"]''
::Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down
::Way hey, slow the plot down!
::We'll scuttle the story and run her aground.
::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
::
::Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
::Way hey, slow the plot down!
::Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

=== Teenage Caveman ===

==== Aquatic Wizards (short) ====

:'''Announcer''': Where's the third fellow? He's ''chicken'' — never jumped at all.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
:''[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]''

...

:'''Servo''': Forget about life-jackets this is The 50's.

==== Catching Trouble (short) ====

:''[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]''
:'''Ted Husing''': Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ted Husing]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Kill Colonel Kurtz]]!
:'''Ted Husing''': It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[Groucho Marx]]]''': And two hard-boiled eggs.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as [[w:Harpo Marx|Harpo Marx]]]''': Honk!
:'''Crow [as Groucho Marx]''': Make that three hard-boiled eggs. {{hnote|Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]''
:'''Ted Husing''': Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?
:'''Servo [as Husing]''': For voting twice?
:'''Ted Husing''': Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bobcat]''': Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]''
:'''Ted Husing''': Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hurting the people you know and love?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ted Husing''': Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...or call [[w:People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]''
:'''Joel''': What I wouldn't give to see that cub's ''mom'' show up right about now, huh, guys?

==== Teenage Caveman (movie) ====

:''[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:How Green Was My Valley|How green was my valley?]]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Not very.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Joel''': This script is like a telephone directory!
:'''Crow''': But not as interesting.

=== Gamera vs. Zigra ===

=== Viking Women and the Sea Serpent ===

==== The Home Economics Story (short) ====

:''[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]''
:'''Joel''': Iowa State College: The high school ''after'' high school!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [singing]''': ''If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]''
:'''Joel [as Principal]''': ''Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.''
:'''Crow [as Principal]''': Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
:''[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]''
:'''Matronly Woman''': Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know ''very'' well.
:'''Servo [as Matronly Woman]''': ...and why I'm being fired.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay is discussing college with her family.]''
:'''Servo''': She consulted Robert McNamara.
:'''Joel''': And Ayn Rand!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Kay sends her application letter.]''
:'''Narrator''': She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.
:'''Crow''': (chuckles maniacly)
:'''Joel''': Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.
:''[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]''
:'''Servo [as Kay]''': It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!
:'''Joel''': It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]''
:'''Crow [as Jean]''': ''[in a [[w:Curly Howard|Curly Howard]] voice] Hi!'' Howya ''doin'?'' We're gonna have a ''great'' time! We're gonna be ''pals''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a costume design class]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Camarillo_Brillo|Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A football game is starting.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
:'''Joel [as audience member]''': Play "Whipping Post"!
:''[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[in marching cadence]'' I'm a [[w:Cotton swab|Q-tip]], what are you!
:''[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]''
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]''': Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]''
:'''Servo''': Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.
:'''Narrator''': ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.
:'''Joel [as Kay]''': How do Pop-Tarts work?
:'''Kay''': What are you doing to major in, Helen?
:. . .
:'''Louise''': What are you going to take, Jean?
:'''Joel [as Jean]''': I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!
:. . .
:'''Kay''': You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.
:'''Joel [as Kay]''': Because I can't do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]''
:'''Joel [as little girl]''': ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]''
:'''Joel [as announcer]''' ''Home Economics'', starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.
:'''Voice Over''': What is "Home Economics"?
:'''Crow''': Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]''
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's [[w:Abbey_Road|Abbey Road]].
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]''': [[w:The_Monkees_(TV_series)|''Here we come, walking down the street...'']]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [singing]''': ''It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]''
:'''Narrator''': Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.
:'''Servo''': And to re-enact the last scene from ''[[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]]''.

==== Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie) ====

=== Star Force: Fugitive Alien II ===

:''[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]''
:'''Ken''': Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ken]''': Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]''
:'''Rocky''': It won't be easy getting into this place.
:'''Ken''': How will we do it?
:'''Rocky''': Easy.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wha— wait a minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]''
:'''Crow [as one of the crew]''': Hey, corn...CORN?!?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ken shoots down Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders.]''
:'''Joel''': Where have I seen this before?
:'''Servo''': Oh, I don't know; [[w:Star Wars (film)|a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away]]?
:'''Crow''': Yeah...
:'''Joel''': Yep.

=== War of the Colossal Beast ===

==== Mr. B Natural (short) ====

:''[Confused about a name in the opening credits]''
:'''Joel''': What does "A.S.C." mean?
:'''Servo''': "A sick cookie".
:'''Joel''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the background music in the opening credits]''
:''Come on and buy some crap from us''
:''You know that you want to''
:''And the white race will salute you''
:''As you prance and gad about!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A large, [[w:bleacher|bleacher]]-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]''
:'''Mr. B Natural''': Boy! Am I glad to see you!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, it's not mutual!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': [[w:Yoda|Knew your father, I did!]]
:'''Joel''': Hey, leave my father out of this!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the [[w:Garden of Eden|garden]] with [[w:Adam and Eve|Mr. and Mrs. Adam]]!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, you were the snake!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': The spirit of music's inside all of you.
:'''Crow''': No, I bathe.
:'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]''
:'''Joel [as Jim]''': Got it from the [[w:Franklin Mint|Franklin Mint]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]''
:'''Jeanie''': Wanna come? We could dance!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Buzz]''': Don't hit me!
:'''Buzz''': No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
:'''Jeanie''': But that's not due for two weeks!
:'''Buzz''': I know Jeanie... but I...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Buzz]''': ...[[w:John Hinckley, Jr.|I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Buzz]''': ''[in a whiny voice]'' That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an [[w:androgynous|androgynous]] man would come and visit me...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the ''spirit''!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, calls for ''Satan''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]''
:'''Buzz''': Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.
:'''Buzz's Mother''': All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?
:'''Crow [as Buzz's Mother]''': ''This'' time, don't make so much noise when you "read."

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel [as Buzz's Mother]''': Why does my kid have to be such a dud? ''I'' was popular!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside ''you''! That's ''me'', B Natural!
:'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' So I'm attracted to ''guys'' now?
:''[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.
:'''Crow [as [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]]''': The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]''
:'''Mr. B Natural''': And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
:'''Servo''': Kicks!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': The glamour of the uniform...
:'''Servo''': Kicks!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
:'''Servo''': The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
:'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Yeah, that's nice... '''MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!
:'''Joel''': Uh, Mr. B, what would ''you'' know about dignity?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]''
:'''Joel''': You know, I think [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]] only ''wished'' he was this gay, you know?
:'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'' accept our ''sincere'' apology for ''all'' of this. Please.
:'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Forget music, I wanna dance!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B dances to some music.]''
:'''Crow''': He's so perky... kill her.
:'''Servo''': See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]''
:'''Joel [as Buzz]''': ''[in a panicky voice]'' Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[in a midwestern voice]'' Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]''
:'''Joel''': [[w:Honey_West_(TV_series)|''Honey West!'']]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]''
:'''Joel''': Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]''
:'''Servo''': Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.
:'''Crow''': This trumpet is flatlining!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buzz is performing at a school dance]''
:'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the music]'' We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as radio host]''': Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...
:. . .
:''[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]''
:'''Joel''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.

==== War of the Colossal Beast (movie) ====

:''[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Car Occupants]''': ''[singing to "[[w:99 Bottles of Beer|99 Bottles of Beer]]"]''
:: [[One Hundred Years of Solitude|100 years of solitude]], 100 years of solitude!
:: Take one down, pass it around,
:: 99 years of solitude!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]
:'''Joyce Manning''': Could this be Glen's?
:'''Servo''': No, no, the [[w:Fingerprint#Classifying|whorl pattern]] is completely wrong.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sheriff''': ''[upon discovering a giant footprint]'' Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall.
:'''Joyce''': ''Glen'' was sixty feet tall.
:'''Crow''': Think there's a connection?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]''
:'''Servo''': That's right, [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert]], spare us nothing.

=== The Unearthly ===

==== Posture Pals (short) ====
:''[as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]''
:'''Joel''': Avis Films, we try harder.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': [[w:Dragnet|The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]]
:'''Joel''': My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic.
:'''Crow, Servo''': Hi, Sally.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[over a shot of the four kids]''
:'''Narrator''': And these four children are especially important about the four things.
:'''Joel''': 'Cause they're on the payroll.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[talking about the posture contest]''
:'''Narrator''': The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.
:'''Joel''': Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats.
:'''Narrator''': Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement.
:'''Servo''': Hey, who wouldn't be?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[as the kids look at their posture drawings]''
:'''Joel''': That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy.
:'''Narrator''': But they are not happy with what they see.
:'''Servo''': They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing!
:'''Narrator''': For Tommy is indeed surprised...
:'''Crow [as Tommy]''': No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh!
:'''Narrator''': ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round.
:'''Joel''': He's got VPL.
:'''Servo''': Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL!
:'''Narrator''': Now Jimmy is disturbed to see...
:'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops!
:'''Narrator''': He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Just like his dad on Friday night!
:'''Narrator''': And what gives Jane her worried frown?
:'''Joel''': Valium?
:'''Narrator''': Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree.
:'''Servo''': All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here.
:'''Narrator''': Our Mary is a happy girl...
:'''Servo''': ''(imitates repeated burping)''
:'''Narrator''': ...with hollowed chest and tired head.
:'''Crow''': She should jut go home to bed. ''Green Eggs and Ham''.
:'''Servo''': Thank you, Sam-I-Am.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]''
:'''Narrator''': ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Here, she re-enacts her first [[w:Driving under the influence|DUI]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]''
:'''Narrator''': Doesn't Bombo look tired?
:'''Crow''': Yes, very much so.
:''[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]''
:'''Joel [as Bombo]''': No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
:''[Servo makes broken spine noises]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]''
:'''Narrator''': Tommy reminds Jimmy—
:'''Joel''': Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
:'''Narrator''': —when Jimmy stands off-balance.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
:'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
:'''Tom''': Heh-heh... what?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.
:''[A silhouette appears on screen]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, it's [[w: Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]]!
:'''Tom''': Yeah, after [[w:Slim Fast|Slim-Fast]]!
:''[All sing the [[w:Alfred Hitchcock Presents|Alfred Hitchcock Presents]] theme]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.
:'''Joel''': And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mary is voted posture queen]''
:'''Crow''': FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!
:''[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]''
:'''Servo''': Then Mary's head is lit on fire!
:'''Narrator''': And the other three children win the other posture crowns.
:'''Servo''': Definitely a fix.
:'''Narrator''': Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': '''NO!'''
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Their chances of ever being cool are ''over''!

==== Appreciating Our Parents (short) ====

:''[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]''
:'''Narrator''': Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...in a prison break.
:'''Narrator''': ...and now, it's mended as good as new.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Tommy's the [[w:The Lathe of Heaven|Lathe of Heaven]].

==== The Unearthly (movie) ====

:''[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]) as he reassures new patient Grace.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, John — why the long face, pal?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]''
:'''Sharon''': Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.
:''[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sharon]''': NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]''
:'''Sharon''': Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
:'''Crow [as Mark]''': Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.
: . . .
:''[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]''
:'''Crow [as Conway]''': I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Groucho]''': [[Groucho Marx#cant-finish|I can't think of anything else!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]''
:'''Lobo''': Time for go to bed!
:'''Joel''': Well said.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]''
:'''Joel''': His story has a better plot than this ''movie''...

=== [[w:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]] ===

:''[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]''
:'''Crow [as TV Announcer]''':For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar ([[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]]) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]''
:'''Kimar''': Now, go to sleep!
:'''Girmar''': Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
:'''Bomar''': I want to see more toys!
:'''Kimar''': No, go to sleep!
:'''Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]''': Will you [[w:Pia Zadora#Film career|buy me a Golden Globe]], then?
:'''Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]''': Why, sure!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
:'''Servo''': ''[in nerdy voice]'' You know… if they cancel ''[[w:Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'', I'm gonna kill myself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]''
:'''Crow [as Santa]''': ''[cheerfully]'' Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]''
:'''Bomar''': The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
:'''Joel [as Santa]''': Don't worry, we'll give them to [[w:Dyslexia|dyslexic kids]].
:. . .
:'''Girmar''': Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
:'''Joel [as Santa]''': We'll have to sell this stuff to [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Forrester]]''': Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
:'''[[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]]''': Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
:'''Dr. Forrester''': You… hocked… my… Rolex.
:'''TV's Frank''': Yah…
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
:'''TV's Frank''': Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called ''[[w:Final Exit|Final Exit]]''. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
:'''TV's Frank''': Heh heh. Oh, Henry! {{hnote|A twisted allusion to O. Henry's ''The Gift of the Magi'', about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.}}

=== Master Ninja I ===

:''[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]''
:'''Sheriff Kyle''': Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
:'''Crow''': ''Office''?! That's a ''car''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Holly Trumball ([[w:Demi Moore|Demi Moore]]) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]''
:'''Holly''': You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
:'''Max''': I'm going off duty for the day.
:'''Holly''': Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
:'''Joel''': Uh, let [[w:Dennis Miller|Dennis Miller]] do Dennis Miller, Demi.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Trumball''': You got a warrant, sheriff?
:'''Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]''': Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]''
:'''Okasa''': The old man hired you?
:'''McAlister''': I am not for hire.
:'''Okasa''': We are all for hire. In dark times...
:'''McAlister''': The dark times have gone.
:'''Servo''': You guys speaking in [[w:haiku|haiku]] all of a sudden??? Whoa!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]''
:'''Max''': Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
:'''Servo''': We'll be the judge of that.
:'''Crow [as TV announcer]''': Chevy Van: A [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] production.
:'''Max''': We're being followed!
:'''Servo [as McAllister]''': Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
:''[The van makes a sharp left.]''
:'''Crow [as McAllister]''': Quick! Take a turn here on [[w:Steven J. Cannell|Steven J. Cannell]] Boulevard!
:'''Max''': Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
:'''Crow''': Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that '''Master Ninja''', rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called '''The Master'''.''}}
:. . .
:''[Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.]''
:'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBER!
:''[Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.]''
:'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBERRRRRR!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, ninjas never had those.
:'''Servo [as Okasa]''': Damn. He knows [[w:Doug Henning|Doug Henning]].
:'''Max''': You all right?
:'''Joel [as McAllister]''': I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

=== The Castle of Fu Manchu ===
'''Crow''': Staring contest on the left. Check it out.

'''Fu Manchu''': ''This is Fu Manchu.'' 
'''Crow''' ['''As Fu Manchu''']: And you're ''not''.

''(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)''
'''Servo''': Oh... King's on his throne.

=== Master Ninja II ===

:''[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]''
:'''Max''': I'm here. Are you?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
:'''Max''': I hear ya. [''The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.'']
:'''Servo [as Carrie]''': You're a wry wit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]''
:'''Joel''': You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

== Season 4 ==

=== Space Travelers ===

:''[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]''
:'''Crow''': Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.

=== The Giant Gila Monster ===

:''[The film's title appears on the screen]''
:'''Joel, Crow & Tom''': ''[singing to tune of [[w:Hava Nagila|Hava Nagila]]]'': Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]''
:'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
:'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Gila Monster]''': And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]''
:'''Tom [as [[Apocalypse Now|Colonel Kurtz]]]''': The horror! The horror!
:''[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]''
:'''Crow''': Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]''
:'''Chase''': Two twenties!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': That makes thirty dollars!

=== City Limits ===

:'''TV's Frank''': It's none other than British pop star, [[Morrissey]]!... He's a little depressed.
:''[Frank turns to Morrissey]''
:'''TV's Frank''': So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
:'''Morrissey''': ''[turns to Dr. Forrester]'' He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?
:'''TV's Frank''': Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
:'''Morrissey''': Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Morrissey''': This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": ''I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Woody and Yogi ([[w:Rae Dawn Chong|Rae Dawn Chong]]), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]''
:'''Woody''': I lost a tooth.
:'''Servo [as Yogi]''': Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
:''[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]''
:'''Crow [as Woody]''': Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
:'''Joel''': This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
:'''Servo''': He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]''
:'''Sammy''': It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
:'''Joel''': Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]''
:'''Servo''': No acting beyond this point. Not allowed.
:'''Crow''': The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]''
:'''Servo''': Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it ''does'' say that [[w:Boy George|Boy George]] rides in flinging molotov cocktails.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]''
:'''Mick''': You're nothin'.
:'''Joel [as Woody]''': Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
:'''Mick''': I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but—
:'''Crow [as Woody]''': Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mick''': We ain't stupid.
:'''Bolo''': Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
:'''Crow''': Not on screen anyway.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, ''Austin'' City Limits!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Albert ([[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]]) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]''
:'''Tom [as Albert]''': [[w:CNN#CNN in popular culture|This is F.U.N.]]

=== Teenagers from Outer Space ===

:''[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]'' 
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Wow, really ''old'' teenagers from outer space.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]'' 
:'''Spacecraft Captain''': When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to ''torture''!
:'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''TORCHAA!!''

<hr width="50%"/> 
:'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons!
:'''Servo [as Captain]''': ''We'' have the [[w:Pizza#Types of pizza|supreme pizzas]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]''
:'''Thor''': Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
:'''Crow T. Robot''': You mean a ''day?''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]'' 
:'''Joel [as Derek/Freddy]''': ''[singing to "[[w:On the Street Where You Live|On the Street Where You Live]]"]''
:: I have often walked down the street before,
:: But I've never done it packing heat before…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]'' 
:'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons!
:'''Crow''': Ahh, turn [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]] off!

<hr width="50%"/> 
:'''Betty''': Where are you from Derek?
:'''Joel [as Derek]''': A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".

=== Being from Another Planet ===

:''[Watching the title credit]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Establishing shot of hospital]''
:'''Servo''': ...and now, ''[[W:Trapper John, M.D.|Trapper John, M.D.]]''!
:'''Crow''': Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to ''[[w:Medical Center (TV series)|Medical Center]]''!
:'''Servo''': Yeah!

=== Attack of the Giant Leeches ===

:''[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]''
:'''Clown #1''': Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
:'''Servo''': Yes, about a ''kajillion times!''
:'''Clown #1''': Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?
:''[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]''
:'''Joel''': Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!
:'''Clown #2''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?
:''[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]''
:'''Clown #2''': ''[to Clown #1]'' Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

==== Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short) ====

:''[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]''
:'''Doctor #1''': Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
:'''Crow [as Doctor #2]''': Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!
:'''Doctor #2''': He'll make a fine Naval officer.
:'''Servo''': He'll make several of them!

==== Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) ====

:''[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, Mommy!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:Honey West|Honey West]]''!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

=== The Killer Shrews ===

:'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Your movie for today's experiment makes even ''me'' sick—and I liked ''[[w:Morgan Stewart's Coming Home|Morgan Stewart's Coming Home]]''.

==== Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) ====

:''[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]''
:'''Narrator''': Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Smothered in gravy—Texas style!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': All nine of 'em.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]''': And the crowd goes wild!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[dully]'' [[w:Tom Slick (cartoon)|Yay]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a succesful cattle roping]''
:'''Narrator''': Eight seconds.
:'''Joel [as the boy]''': Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.
:'''Joel''': It's sad, really.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of ''[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]'']'' ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

==== The Killer Shrews (movie) ====

:''[The narrator describes the voracious [[w:shrew|shrew]].]''
:'''Narrator''': He ''must'' eat his own body weight every few hours…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …[[w:Slim Fast#Marketing|plus a delicious shake]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]''
:'''Sherman''': Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!
:'''Crow [as Sherman]''': These things make everything look bigger!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Sherman]''': I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the [[w:Satellite of Love|SOL]].]''
:'''Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]''
:: Killer shrew! Killer shrew!
:: Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you!
:: He comes out at night to give you a fright.
:: Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite!
:: Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh
:: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew!
:: He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough.
:: He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]''
:'''Servo''': Puppies!

=== Hercules Unchained ===

:''[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Hardly ''any'' animals were hurt in the making of this movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]''
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ulysses]''': I'm cuckoo for [[w:Cocoa Puffs|Cocoa Puffs]]! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Kennedy family|Kennedys]] ruled Greece.

=== Indestructible Man ===

==== Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short) ====

==== Indestructible Man (movie) ====
:''[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]''
:'''Joel''': Only millions of Christians.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]''
:'''Joel''': He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's.
:'''Crow [as Chaney]''': Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]''
:'''Servo''': Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, please. He should quit ''his'' job. Strippers make way more money than cops!

=== Hercules Against the Moon Men ===

:''[Repeated Lines]''
: '''Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank''': DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]''
:'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of ''me'' all day long!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two soldiers walk down a hallway]''
:'''Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]''': [[w:Little Caesars|Pizza, pizza]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Princess]''': Herc, you gonna help us move?
:'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs me my life.
:'''Hercules''': Now see them both safely back to the city.
:'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs you my life.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]''
:'''Joel''': It's the [[w:Monsters of Rock|Monsters of Rock]] Tour!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]''
:'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Don't let him get you over his head!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of barren moonscape]''
:'''Servo''': We seem to be in some sort of [[w:Limbo|Limbo]] zone.
:'''Crow''': [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]?
:'''Joel''': No, that would be more like [[w:Hell|Hell]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]''
:'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Wanna get ''stoned''? ''[pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]''
:'''Crow [as Bob Dylan]''': [[w:Rainy Day Women #12 & 35|Everybody must get stoned!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': ''[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper]'' Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?
:'''Crow''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It's really not that good!
:'''Joel''': Come with me, mister! ''[grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]''
:'''Crow''': AAAAAAGH!

=== The Magic Sword ===

:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]], your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of [[w:Bert I Gordon|Bert I Gordon]]. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring [[w:sword and sorcery|sword and sorcery]], Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed [[w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The knights face an ogre.]''
:'''Joel''': [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]], no!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[George fights a two-headed dragon.]''
:'''Joel''': Lighten up, they’re just puppets!
:'''Crow''': Hey...
:'''Joel''': Sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]''
:'''Crow''': I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!
:'''Tom Servo''': EEAUGHHH!
:'''Crow''': ''[continues singing, ignoring Tom]'' She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

=== Hercules and the Captive Women ===

:''[Gypsy makes a rare theater apperance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]''
:'''Gypsy''': Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!
:'''Joel''': ''[trying to hide his amusement]'' Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.
:'''Gypsy''': ''[catching herself]'' Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]''
:'''Gypsy''': Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
:'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' All right, Gypsy! Good one!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]''
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons...]]''

=== Manhunt in Space ===

==== General Hospital, Installment 1 (short) ====

:''[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, here comes [[w:Nosferatu|Nurse-feratu]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An elderly [[w:Steve Hardy|Dr. Steve Hardy]] appears on-screen.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, he was old even then!

==== Manhunt in Space (movie) ====

:''[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! It's the [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|MST3K]] logo!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[aside]'' Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, uh... ''[whistles innocently.]''{{hnote|Oh, geez! Tom Servo just broke the 4th Wall!}}

=== Tormented ===

:''[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]''
:'''Vi''': Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
:'''Crow''': Bingo!
: . . .
:''[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]''
:'''Vi''': Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
:'''Servo [as Tom Stewart]''': What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
:'''Vi''': Save me, Tom, please!
:'''Joel''': Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]''
:'''Tom''': Meg's mad at me.
:'''Sandy''': She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
:'''Tom''': O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
:'''Joel''': Put her down, [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis#Scandal|Jerry Lee]]!

=== The Beatniks ===

==== General Hospital, Installment 2 (short) ====

:'''Ken''': Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]''': Yeah, he's [[w:Harvey (film)|a big rabbit]], you see, there...

==== The Beatniks (movie) ====

:'''Eddie [singing]''': ''Anything...''
:'''Joel''': ...Is better than this ''crap!''

=== Fire Maidens of Outer Space ===

<div id="CrowSyndrome-FMoOS">
:''[An example of [[w:Crow T. Robot#Crow Syndrome|Crow Syndrome]].]'' 
:'''Joel''': Well, anyway, with [[w:double entendre|double entendre]], you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — does this ''TV'' have a ''remote''? Mmmmm!"
:'''Servo''': Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — check out the arms on ''this'' jumpsuit!" Right?
:'''Joel''': Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!
:'''Servo''': All right, yeah!
:'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' "As far as ''I'' know, Lincoln's not President any''more''!"
:'''Servo''': Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suggestively]'' "She came back from the ''store'' with a bag of apples, and a ''loaf'' of ''bread''!"
:'''Joel''': Mmm-mmm-mmm!
:'''Crow''': I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—"
:'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''', '''Servo''', '''Crow''' (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder!
</div>
=== Crash of the Moons ===

==== General Hospital, Installment 3 (short) ====

:''[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]''
:'''Phil''': And you choose to make a life with Ken?
:'''Cynthia''': Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cynthia]''': Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

==== Crash of the Moons (movie) ====

:''[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]''
:'''Rocky''': ''[cadence-calling]'' Hup, 2, 3, 4!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Rocky]''': We are in a crappy film…
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Men]''': We are in a crappy film…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]''
:'''Rocky''': They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
:'''Cleolanta''': They will tell ''me'' where to take ''my'' people?!
:'''Rocky''': No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.
:'''Joel, Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:I Only Have Eyes For You|For yooooou!]]

=== Attack of the the Eye Creatures ===

:''[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]''
:'''Joel''': ''Attack of the '''the''' Eye Creatures''? What, did [[w:Mel Tillis|Mel Tillis]] write these titles?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]''
:'''Air Force Officer''': Now take off!
:'''Joel''':[[w:Bob and Doug McKenzie|...to the great White North!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Harold's Girlfriend''': Ooh, Harold!
:'''Servo [as Harold]''': [[Harold and Maude|Ooh, Maude!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Susan''': What if we turned ourselves in to the police?
:'''Servo [as Stan]''': Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' I've got Sammy Davis eyes! ''[a la [[w:Rip Taylor|Rip Taylor]]]'' I've got a million of them! Literally!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]''
:'''Joel''': Now why doesn't that work with relatives?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]'' 
:'''Crow''': The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having ''no'' spoken language and ''no particular powers'' with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
: . . .
:'''Joel''': Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
: . . .
:'''Crow''': If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply ''draped casually over his shoulders'' and should be no trouble to knock off! ''[...]'' Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his ''Jack Purcell athletic shoes!'' Folks, they just did not care!

=== The Rebel Set ===

==== Johnny at the Fair (short) ====

:'''Narrator''': Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny's car rolled and burned.
:'''Narrator''': There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
:'''Joel''': Simulated culture like [[w:Walt Disney World|Disney World]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
:'''Servo [as Mom]''': And you'll ''like'' it!
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': No! I don't wanna go!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Besides, the [[w:Seattle Mariners|Mariners]] are playing, so who cares?
:'''Narrator''': Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, [[w:Joe Louis|Joe Louis]].
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".
:'''Joel''': Oh, we've all been there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]''
:'''Joel''': Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]''
:'''Narrator''': Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]''
:'''Narrator''': "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
:'''Servo''': What?
:'''Narrator''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Visions of the [[w:Mekong Delta|Mekong Delta]] flash before Johnny's eyes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Champion figure skater [[w:Barbara Ann Scott|Barbara Ann Scott]] gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
:'''Narrator''': Johnny ''does'' find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny thinks [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]] seems like a nice lady.

==== The Rebel Set (movie) ====

=== The Human Duplicators ===

:''[The title screen displays the title backwards...]''
:'''Crow''': ''Eht Numah Srotacilpud''!
:''[...then "duplicates" it normally.]''
:'''Crow''': ...Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gale''': So say something!
:'''Crow [as Martin]''': "Something!"
:'''Martin''': "Something."
:'''Crow''': ''D'oh!'' ...Got riffback on that one.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Neat!
:''[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
:''[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Do I really look like that?
:'''Crow''': Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:I Sing the Body Electric!|I sing the Body Pathetic!]] Heh.
:''[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]''
:'''Servo''': Uh… I think you need more toner!
:''[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]''
:'''Crow''': Heh heh heh. Heh! ''Hunan'' Duplicators!
:'''Joel''': Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
:'''Crow''': Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
:'''Joel''': Oh, that's enough.
:'''Crow''': Oh, don't hit me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Welles (played by [[w:Hugh Beaumont|Hugh Beaumont]]) answers his phone.]''
:'''Welles''': Welles here.
:'''Crow [as Welles/[[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]]]''': The boys did ''what''? They duplicated Lumpy?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]''
:'''Crow [as Welles]''': There's somethin' plastic about that guy...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kolos, played by [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]], "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]''
:'''Servo [as Kolos]''': I'm huge.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]''
:'''Servo [as the Professor, quickly]''': Oh my God, you're huge.

=== Monster A Go-Go ===

==== Circus on Ice (short) ====

:''[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]''
:'''Joel''': You got your circus on my ice!
:'''Crow''': Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
:'''Servo''': Two bad things that go worse together!
:''[Referencing a [[w:Reese%27s_Peanut_Butter_Cups|Reese's Peanut Butter Cups]] ad campaign.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': ''[in response to a clown on screen]'' Woah, seen him in my nightmares...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]''
:: These two girls, they make quite a pair.
:: They both come from your worst night-mare.
:: They will haunt your soul forever,
:: And now,
::: When you see pink,
::: You're gonna think,
:: "We're doomed".
:: They are agents of Satan...
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, stop it, Tom...

<hr width='50%'/>
:''[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]''
:'''Servo''': We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
:'''Servo''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Uh-''huh...''
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune|Prelude to the afternoon of a ''murder'']].
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Child]''': Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... ''[gulps]'' I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
:'''Servo [as Mother]''': Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's ''fun''!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Oh, and she skates over her own intestines.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]''
:'''Narrator''': And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ...and kills them.

==== [[w:Monster A Go-Go|Monster A Go-Go]] (movie) ====

:''[Over the film's title]''
:'''Servo''': ''Monster A Go-Go''? I thought this was gonna be ''[[w:Munster Go Home|Munster Go Home]]''!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
:'''Crow''': Oh, it might not be too bad...
:'''Servo''': No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
:'''Joel''': Yeah...
:'''Crow''': ''[sighs indignantly]'' C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
:'''Joel''': No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
:'''Crow''': Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
:'''Servo''': It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
:'''Joel''': Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
:'''Crow''': Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything ''now'', but...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]
:'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' The Other Th?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... ''[deflating]'' This is gonna ''suck''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]
:'''Servo''': Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]''
:'''Joel [as Dr. Logan]''': That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]
:'''Dr. Brent''': Why didn't you tell us then?
:'''Dr. Logan''': I don't know. I was trying to help.
:'''Servo''': ''[whining]'' I was just trying to help.
:'''Dr. Brent''': Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
:'''Dr. Logan''': What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
:'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I'm only a scientist!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]''
:'''Joel''': ''[in disbelief]'' Unbelieveable...
:''[Tom bursts out into laughter]''
:'''Dr. Logan''': Hello? ''[A pause]'' Yes?
:'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I made that phone noise.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Connors]''': ''[makes a fart noise]'' What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': "Oops".
:'''Narrator''': ..."radiation".
:'''Servo''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
:'''Tom Servo''': As if we cared.
:'''Narrator''': Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
:'''Joel''': ''Oh,'' the joke's on ''us!''
:'''Crow''': Boooooo!

=== The Day the Earth Froze ===

:''[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': We are ''going'' to get a nice picture of this family if it ''kills'' us.

==== Here Comes the Circus (short) ====

:''[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]''
:'''Crow''': ''Heeere'' comes the ''[[w:Devil|Devil]]''!
:'''Servo''': It's [[w:Beelzebub|Beezlebub]] the Clown!
:'''Joel''': Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.
:''[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]''
:'''Crow''': And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It's [[w:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]], with his electric child!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]''
:'''Servo''': Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
:'''Joel''': Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
:'''Servo''': Oops.
:'''Crow''': Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
:'''Servo''': How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
:'''Joel''': That's better.
:'''Crow''': It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. ''[chuckles]'' No buttons.
:'''Servo''': Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
:''[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]''
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
:'''Servo''': That's good.
:'''Joel''': No, it really is.
:'''Servo''': Whatever, Joel.
:. . .
:''[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]''
:'''Joel''': See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
:''[Shot of the crowd cheering]''
:'''Crow [as crowd]''': We love it when he eats!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a trapeze artist swings]''
:'''Joel''': It's a living!
:'''Crow''': Mother, please come home!
:'''Servo''': Yes, our Betty [[w:Bisexuality|swings both ways]]!
:'''Joel''': Oh, stop it!
:'''Servo''': She does! Look!
:'''Joel''': Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
:'''Crow''': This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]''
:'''Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]''': Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
:'''Crow''': Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
:'''Servo''': This one's on the rebound.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]''
:'''Crow''': The act was outlawed on several continents!
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's [[w:The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat|the man who mistook his wife for a hat]]!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Flipped her off.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!
:'''Servo''': ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Store this image away for a later nightmare.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Old Man]''': I invented that move.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kid]''': Yeah, right.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it ''clown''-style! No!
:''[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah! And Madonna thinks ''she's'' innovative!
:'''Joel''': Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
:''[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]''
:'''Crow [as Clown]''': More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]''
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Hank Kimball's brought in.
:'''Crow [as Hank Kimball]''': Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A clown rings a bell.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, [[w:C. Everett Koop|C. Everett Kook]]!
:''[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]''
:'''Narrator''': Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
:'''Crow''': [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]'s relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
:'''Servo [as clown]''': Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
:'''Joel''': This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
:'''Servo''': You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
:'''Joel''': Oh. It's a full contact ''[[w:Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (film)|Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?]]''!
:'''Crow [as Richard Burton]''': Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
:''[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]''
:'''Crow''': '''KITTIES!'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As trapeze artists fly through the air]''
:'''Joel''': I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
:. . .
:'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
:'''Servo''': Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
:'''Crow [as trapeze artist]''': Party in Susan's dressing room!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the "The End" card]''
:'''Joel''': Ah, my favorite part of the circus.

==== The Day the Earth Froze (movie) ====

:''[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]''
:'''Servo [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:Surfin' USA|If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...]]
:'''Crow [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:California Girls|I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]''
:'''Louhi, the witch''': Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
:'''Crow''': Can we see the other parts?
:'''Servo''': Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]''
:'''Ilmarinen''': With this wool, will I clothe you!
:'''Servo [as Ilmarinen]''': With these teeth, will you bite me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]''
:'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, the [[w:Black Moses (album)|Swedish Moses of Soul!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]''
:'''Louhi''': Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo?
:'''Joel''': Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Villager]''': Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Villager]''': Yah, it's really too bad.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Villager]''': No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
:'''Servo [as Villager]''': Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
:''[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]''
:'''Crow [as Villager]''': I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
:''[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]''
:'''Servo [as Villager]''': He failed to bring back the Sampo!
:'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo!
:'''Servo [as Villager]''': We shall die of starvation!
:'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]''
:'''Joel''': What is this, [[w:Stalag 17|"Stalag 17: The Musical?"]]

=== Bride of the Monster ===

==== Hired! Part 1 (short) ====

:''[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the [[w:George H. W. Bush|''Bush'' administration]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Warren]''': Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Warren]''': Hmm? What in the ''world''?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
:'''Crow [as Warren]''': A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

==== Bride of the Monster (movie) ====

:''[Lobo ([[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]]) scares away some people during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]''
:'''Crow''': Tor! Close your mouth before you drown!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]''
:'''Capt. Robbins''': ''[solemnly]'' He tampered in God's domain.
:'''Crow''': Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.

=== Manos: The Hands of Fate ===

:''[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]''
:'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!

==== Hired! Part 2 (short) ====

:''[The short begins]''
:'''Crow''': Previously on "Hired!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]''
:'''Joel [as Warren]''': We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
:'''Mr. Warren''': Sales are the most important thing in this business.
:'''Servo [as Warren]''': Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.
:'''Mr. Warren''': We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
:'''Joel [as Warren]''': But first — martinis!
:'''Mr. Warren''': Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.
:'''Crow [as Warren]''': 'Cause you've got the most problems.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]''
:'''Mr. Warren''': I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
:'''Jimmy''': Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
:'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]''
:'''Joel''': Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]''
:'''Joel [as [[w:Joseph McCarthy|Senator McCarthy]] ]''': Are you now, or have you ever been, a [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] owner?

==== Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) ====
:'''Servo''': So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right?
:'''Joel''': No, actually, it's more like a minute.
:'''Servo''': ''[stunned]'' ...No.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]''
:'''Servo''': I guess they picked up [[w:Shirley Bassey|Shirley Bassey]] hitchhiking.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Michael''': Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.
:'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[w:Brigadoon|Brigadoon]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]''
:'''Joel''': Ah… that's not how you wear your [[w:Depends|Depends]], Torgo.
:'''Crow''': Been hitting the [[w:Thighmaster|Thighmaster]], Torgo?
: . . .
:'''Servo''': Like having [[w:Joe Cocker|Joe Cocker]] as your bellhop.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]''
:'''Joel [as Michael]''': Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]''
:'''Crow [as The Master]''': What was I thinking?
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Women who lunch.
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': And the Manos who love them — next [[w:Phil Donahue|Donahue]].
: . . .
:'''Joel''': You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
:'''Servo''': ...and now, back to We Married Manos!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]''
:'''Crow''': Well, the talks broke down at this point.
:'''Servo''': Looks like the [[w:Federal Assembly of Russia|Russian Parliament]].
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Next on [[w:ESPN|ESPN]], full contact nightgown wrestling!
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Designing Women|Designing Women]]'', the lost episodes.
:'''Servo [as Prof. Canning]''': And now, [[w:list of Monty Python's Flying Circus episodes#11. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom|the Manos Women's Guild will reenact]] the Battle of [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]].
:'''Joel''': You know, this was the alternate ending to ''[[w:Beaches (movie)|Beaches]]''.
:'''Crow''': I see London, I see France, I see ''everybody's'' underpants!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': You know, this isn't ''[[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]''. I ''like'' it, but it isn't ''Lysistrata''!
: . . .
:'''Joel''':You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
: . . .
:'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]] breakup.
: . . .
:'''Servo''': I'm guessing ''this'' is the whole reason this movie was made.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''The Master''': Silence!
:'''Joel''': Is golden!
:'''The Master''': ''Silence!''
:'''Joel''': ''Is golden!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]''
:'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' ''DO SOMETHING!!!'' God!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the [[w:Copacabana|Copacabana]], Jules Bedel proudly presents: [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]] and [[w:Tricia Nixon|Tricia Nixon]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to "[[w:Smoke on the Water|Smoke on the Water]]"]'' Smoke on the weirdo…
:'''Crow [as Bela Lugosi]''': Come here.
:'''Joel''': The new Pope has not been chosen.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a driving scene]''
:'''Joel''': Meanwhile, in Toledo...
:'''Servo''': No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
:. . .
:'''Crow''': This must be a weekly series.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the end credits roll...]''
:'''Crow''': Crew? They had a crew!? I do ''not'' believe they had a crew!
:'''Joel''': Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
:'''Servo''': Where to start?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]''
:'''Crow''': The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
:'''Joel''': No. Always wonder.
:''[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]
:'''Servo''': COME ON!
:''[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]''
:'''Servo''': Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
:'''Joel''': We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
:''[They leave the theater.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]''
:'''Frank''': Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm!
:''[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]''
:'''Torgo''': They always do that!

== Season 5 ==

=== Warrior of the Lost World ===

:'''Nastasia''': Do you want survival?
:'''Joel [as [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]]]''': Sure, we all do!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]''
:'''Crow [as henchman]''': Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': She's got a Lady Hemingway! {{hnote|Combining the names of the ''Lady Remington'' electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.

=== Hercules ===

:''[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Attack of the Mary Martins! {{hnote|One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hercules is choking a lion.]''
:'''Joel [as lion]''': Aww, Herc, I was kidding.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]''
:'''Joel [as a cavalry man]''': Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through]''
:'''Crow''': There will be patches of scattered god today.

=== Swamp Diamonds ===

==== What to Do on a Date (short) ====

:''[The titles appear.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I need to know what ''not'' to do on a date! Hahaha!
:''[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
:'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': Oh no, this is like having your ''mom'' talk to you about sex!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nick''': Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
:'''Joel [as Kay]''': How many ways can I say "no"?!
:'''Kay''': Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to ''very'' much.
:'''Crow [as Kay]''': Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
: . . .
:'''Nick''': I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a ''date''.
:'''Joel [as Nick]''': … with a loser like me.
:'''Nick''': Where's my racket?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': I should spank myself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]''
:'''Joel''': Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': How does Jeff get ideas like that?
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': From the voices inside his head.
:''[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]''
:'''Narrator''': Wait a minute, maybe ''this'' is where Jeff gets his ideas!
:'''Joel''': The lunch menu?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]''
:'''Servo''': Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': Ice cream? I love this party!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Had this been an actual date, [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|you would have been instructed where to go]].

==== Swamp Diamonds (movie) ====

:''[During one of the many, many girl fights.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland's]] bra! I have seen the Promised Land!

=== Secret Agent Super Dragon ===

:''[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]
:'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He ''smokes'', carries a ''gun'', and... ''[deflating]'' makes a lot of... phone calls...

=== The Magic Voyage of Sinbad ===

:''[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as someone in the crowd]''': [[w:Blazing Saddles|Howard Johnson is right!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': It's noon and he's still [[w:filibuster|filibustering!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]''
:'''Crow''': They're test-marketing [[w:Crystal Pepsi|Crystal Pepsi.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]''
:'''Crow''': They look like the [[w:Knights who say Ni|Knights Who Say "Ni!"]]

=== Eegah ===

:''[Roxy walks up to her little car.]''
:'''Crow [as Roxy]''': Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely [[w:Arch Hall, Jr.|Arch Hall, Jr.]], looks up.]
:'''[[w:Crow|Crow]]''': ''Honk'' if you love Eegah!
:'''Tommy''': Hi, Roxie!
:'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tommy]''': Sorry about my face!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': He's wearing corrective everything!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]''
:'''Tommy''': Roxie! It's me, Tom!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Roxie]''': That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]''
:'''Dr. Miller''': He left the road right here.
:'''Dr. Miller''': ''[ [[w:Automated dialogue replacement|dubbed voiceover]] ]'' Watch out for snakes!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Who said that?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]''
:'''Joel''': Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
:'''Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]''': Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]''
:'''Joel''': I figured it out, he looks like the bat from ''[[w:FernGully: The Last Rainforest|FernGully]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]''
:'''Roxie''': Um... how do you do?
:'''Crow [as corpse]''': I'm really, really dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]''
:'''Joel''': Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
:'''Crow''': That purse will be the death of him!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]''
:'''Crow [as Eegah]''': ''[singing]'' Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
:'''Crow and Servo''': ''[in unison]'' [[w:Hooked on a Feeling|'''EE'''GAH SHUCKA! '''EE'''GAH! '''EE'''GAH!]]
:'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I can't stop this feelin'...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a dress store]'':
:'''Crow''': It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': ''The Loretta Young Show''!
:''[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]''': Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! ''[chuckles]'' Why not stick around and watch ''Dream On''? It's the ''breast'' show on TV! ''[to Joel]'' Kill me.

=== I Accuse My Parents ===

==== The Truck Farmer (short) ====

:''[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]''
:'''Joel''': Easter Bunny films presents...
:'''Servo''': "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.
:'''Crow''': Wonder if they sold this film door to door?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Most of us think that these people were really free...
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': But they were just stupid!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]''
:'''Crow''': Aah! It's [[w:Killdozer! (film)|Killdozer!]] [[w:Clint Walker|Clint Walker]], no!
:'''Servo''': Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?
:'''Crow [as driver]''': Stupid trees! God, I hate them.
:'''Joel''': Early [[w:tractor pulling|tractor pulls]], not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.
:'''Crow''': Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.
:'''Servo''': The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the ''[[w:Speed Racer|Speed Racer]]'' theme]''
:: Go, Speed Farmer!
:: Go, Speed Farmer!
:: Go, Speed Farmer, go!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': There's something you don't see every day.
:'''Joel''': What's that?
:'''Servo''': A farmer with all his limbs!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]''
:'''Servo''': Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]''
:'''Narrator''': A complicated system of irrigation is used.
:'''Joel''': Oh, real ''complicated''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
:'''Crow''': They make it sound so nice!
: . . .
:''[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]''
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The carrots are washed first.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Some carrots are frozen.
:'''Crow''': Some carrots are humiliated publicly.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...
:'''Crow''': Texans.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]''
:'''Narrator''': The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]''
:'''Joel''': Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet?

==== I Accuse My Parents (movie) ====
:''[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corportation) logo...]''
:'''Servo''': Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the title appears]''
:'''Crow''': The [[w:John_Bradshaw_%28author%29|John Bradshaw]] story!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the title sequence]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Jimmy's trial...]''
:'''Jimmy''': Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
:'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': ...but I'm [[w:Esther Rolle|Esther Rolle]]!
:'''Jimmy''': But... I accuse my parents!
:''[Everyone applauds.]''
:'''Servo''': Yes! We have a title!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kitty''': ''[singing]'' Are you happy...
:'''Crow''': Define "happy!"
:'''Kitty''': ...In your work...
:'''Joel''': Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]''
:'''Kitty''': You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
:'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Eighteen, after taxes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]''
:'''Servo [as Kitty]''': If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
:'''Crow''': I accuse her hair!

=== Operation Double 007 (A.K.A.: Operation Kid Brother) ===
:''[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of [[w:Neil Connery|Neil Connery]]...]''
:'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
:'''Tom Servo''': ''[singing]'' His favorite movie is ''[[w:Turner and Hooch|Turner and Hooch]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]''
:'''Joel''': All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]''
:'''Mr. Thayer''': Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.
:'''Joel''': Nothing ''has'' happened...

=== The Girl in Lovers Lane ===

:''[Singing to the opening credits theme]''
:'''Servo''': The Girl in Lover's Lane...
:'''Crow''': With [[w:Jack Elam|Jack Elam]], not [[w: Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]''
:'''Danny''': I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
:'''Bix''': That's a good idea.
:'''Servo [as Bix]''': You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
:''[The two enter a diner.]''
:'''Joel [as Danny]''': We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
:'''Crow [as Bix]''': Shut up, Danny.
:'''Joel [as Danny]''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]''': ''[singing]''
:: The 5:15 from Duluth,
:: Oh my! It just derailed!
:: The toxic waste is spillin',
:: The conductor's been impaled.
:: A benzene cloud has risen
:: And the whole town's startin' to cough.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to the beat]'' [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]''
:: Within a matter of day-eeez,
:: All of our skin will fall off.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Robot Monster|To live like the E-lam...]]

=== The Painted Hills ===

==== Body Care and Grooming (short) ====

:''[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV announcer]''': Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]''
:'''Narrator''': Ah, spring!
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Filthy, shameful spring!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': You know, people were ''whiter'' back then.
:'''Narrator''': When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
:'''Crow''': Underpants.
:'''Narrator''': ...Love.
:'''Crow''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of slovenly girl.]''
:'''Narrator''': Look at that hair!
:'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I ''like'' her hair!
:'''Narrator''': And that blouse!
:'''Crow''': ''[lasciviously]'' I'm looking, I'm looking!
:...
:''[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]''
:'''Narrator''': Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
:'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' You know, make him want to ''grope'' you and ''paw'' at you!
:. . .
:''[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]''
:'''Narrator''': Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Those... n-nose.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
:''[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]''
:'''Crow [as young man]''': Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]''
:'''Narrator''': Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—
:'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Is immoral.
:'''Narrator''': —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
:'''Crow''': Expressing individualism is just plain ''wrong''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
:'''Crow''': Skin sucks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': One of these is cleansing cream.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': One of these is [[w:Nitric acid|nitric acid]]. Choose wisely.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]''
:'''Narrator''': And so... the end of a perfect day.
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': An entire day spent grooming.
: . . .
:'''Narrator''': And you...
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Jezebel!
:'''Narrator''': ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And remember—when you [[w:Masturbation|touch yourself]], the saints cry. Goodnight.
:''[As we fade out...]''
:'''Joel''': KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!
:'''Crow''': You're next!
:''[A few more names appear]''
:'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let's not forget ''these guys''!

==== The Painted Hills (movie) ====
:''[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]''
:'''Joel''': Yeah, I'm afraid ''we're'' gonna be true bored men after this...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Now, is this the real Old West, or the [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] Old West where they had electricity and cars?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jonathan''': Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!
:'''Crow [as Jonathan]''': But enough vernacular...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Taylor''': Never mind the dog, Tommy...
:'''Servo [as Taylor]''': [[w:Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols|Here's the Sex Pistols]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]''
:'''Tom''': How did that corral get there? 
:'''Crow''': They used [[w:CorelDRAW|CorelDraw]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mount Rushmore]]!...Before it was built.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]''
:'''Joel [as Taylor]''': Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]''
:'''Crow''': So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Shep]''': SNAUSAGES!

=== Gunslinger ===
:'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera]'' Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland]] in her pre-[[w:Scarecrow and Mrs. King|Dotty]] period.
:'''TV's Frank''': Beverly Garland. ''[growls, but is cut off by another scan]''
:'''Dr. Forrester''': And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. ''[turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]'' [[Die Hard|Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]''
:'''Joel''': ''[As the criminals start moving]'' Ah, cue the horses!
:'''Crow''': ''[Under his breath]'' Corman...
:'''Servo''': ''[As the criminals stop]'' Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]''
:'''Joel''': You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
:'''Servo''': Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]''
:'''Crow''': Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
:'''Cain''': Crazy coming up in here...
:'''Joel [as Cain]''': ...in my hallway here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cain''': Only the good die young.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]''
:'''Joel [as Polk]''': Draw, er... wait a sec!
:''[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork]''
:'''Crow''': ''[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of [[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]]'' Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
:'''Tom''': Doo-doo, do-do-do! ''[scene switches to Cain aiming his gun]'' ...the hell?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]''
:'''Cain''': ''[drunkenly]'' You got brown eyes...
:'''Servo [as Cain]''': ''[drunkenly]'' An' you got a neck.
:. . .
:'''Tom [as Cain]''': Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!

=== Mitchell ===

:''[The character of [[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike Nelson]] has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in [[w:Deep 13|Deep 13]].]
:'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Here it is. ''[[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]]'', starring [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]]
:'''Mike Nelson''': You guys watch ''Joe Don Baker'' movies?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, here it comes, Joel — ''Mitchell''! It's a… [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|super secret spy]]… uh, has [[w:The Sidehackers|a motorcycle]]… [[w:Marooned (film)|marooned in space]]… meets… [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]]… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a [[w:Disco|disco]] beat.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Isaac Hayes]''': [[Shaft (1971 film)#Theme song|Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?]]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Mitchell!
:'''Servo [as Hayes]''': That Mitchell is one fat s—
:'''Joel, Crow''': Shut yo' mouth!
:'''Servo [as Hayes]''': I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]''
:'''Servo''': Ee-gah...
:'''Crow''': Shtemlo.
:'''Joel''': [[w:Eegah|Watch out for snakes!]]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|We've]] [[w:How Not to Be Seen|hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture]]...
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Mitchell, will you stand up, please?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]''
:'''Benton''': No salesmen at this entrance.
:'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': But I'm not a salesman! I'm the [[The Thin Blue Line|Chubby Blue Line]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Gates|Daryl Gates]] on his day off.
:'''Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]''': He's landed just short of the green.
:'''Servo [as Other Golfers]''': Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]''
:'''Joel''': Baby oil!
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
:'''Servo''': ''[vomiting noises]''
:'''Crow''': Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
:''[In the soundtrack, [[w:Hoyt Axton|Hoyt Axton]] continues to sing the theme song.]''
:'''Axton''': My my my my Mitchell...
:'''Crow''': My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kid''': My mother doesn't like you
:'''Mitchell''': 'Well, I don't like your mother.
:'''Kid''': Why not?
:'''Mitchell''': Why not?
:'''Kid'''': No, why not?
:'''Mitchell''': No, why not?
:'''Kid''': Why are you repeating what I say?
:'''Servo''': Tonight on Crossfire.
:'''Mitchell''': Why are you repeating what I say?
:'''Kid''': I'm not!
:'''Mitchell''': Well ''I'm'' not!
:'''Kid''': You are!
:'''Mitchell''': Buzz off!
:'''Kid''': What?
:'''Mitchell''': What?
:'''Kid''': What did you say?
:'''Mitchell''': What'd you say?
:'''Kid''': Did you say something?
:'''Servo''': ''[losing it]'' '''''AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Deaney''': How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
:'''Crow [as Mitchell]''': Uh, by the quart.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]''
:'''Hoyt Axton''': ''[singing]'' My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
:'''Crow''': She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]''
:'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': Why did I do that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]
:'''Joel [as Mitchell]''': Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!

=== The Brain That Wouldn't Die ===

:''[In the operating room...]''
:'''Bill's Father''': I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
:'''Servo [as Bill's Father]''': 'Cuz he got me as his doctor.
: . . .
:''[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]''
:'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael Nelson]] [as [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]]]''': [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], join me or star in '''''[[w:Corvette Summer|Corvette Summer]]!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]''
:'''Bill''': You have the keys to your car?
:''[Cut to them driving.]''
:'''Crow''': The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
:'''Servo [as announcer]''': ''[[w:The Long, Long Trailer|The Long, Long Trailer]]!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, that was my [[w:The Long and Winding Road|prom theme]]!
:'''Servo [as Cortner]''': [[w:stop sign|Stop sign]], what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
:''[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]''
:'''Crow [as Cortner]''': Aughhh! The road is attacking me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]''
:'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' You just ''had'' to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a ''body'' anymore! Are you happy?
: . . .
:''[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]''
:'''Mike [as Sports Announcer]''': [[w:John Riggins|Riggins]] is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
:'''Crow''': He's either gonna win the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] or the [[w:Heisman Trophy|Heisman Trophy]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]''
:'''Crow [with British accent]''': [[Fawlty Towers|Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]''
:'''Mike [as Cortner]''': Well, she can't have a ''cardboard'' body. I've ruled that out.
:'''Crow [as Cortner]''': ''[pervertedly]'' Saaay, this could actually be an ''upgrade''...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cortner]''': Well, it's nice and all, but I want something ''sleazy''.
:''[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a [[w:greasy spoon|greasy spoon]]), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]''
:'''Mike''': If [[w:Jack Ruby|Jack Ruby]] owned a [[w:Denny's|Denny's]].
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Maître d']''': Welcome to the [[w:Diane Arbus|Diane Arbus]] Cafe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]''
:'''Crow''': Doesn't she need lungs?
:'''Servo''': No, she's got neck juice!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jan]''': Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]''
:'''Jan''': Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
:'''Servo''': [[w:Knock Three Times|Knock three times]] on the ceiling if you want me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]''
:'''Servo [as Radio DJ]''': ''[sultrily]'' It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, [[w:John Holmes (actor)|Holmes]] and [[w:Harry Reems|Reems]] in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]''
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
:'''Servo [as Cortner]''': I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]
:'''Mike [as Radio DJ]''': Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!
:'''Servo''': ''[echoing, hushed]'' ''K-PORN!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The monster has broken the closet door off of its hinges and is reaching through the peephole, trying to strangle Cordner.]''
:'''Joel [as Cordner]''': Look... you know your business, but... if you just put the door down, you can kill me!
:''[The monster shoves Cordner to the ground and starts shaking the door off of its arm.]''
:'''Servo [as Cordner]''': There, see? ''Now'' you can kill me! You can use the door!
: . . .
:''[The monster bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]''
:'''Servo [as Monster]''': That's one nasty [[w:McNugget|McNugget]]! Ew!

=== Teen-Age Strangler ===

==== Is This Love? (short) ====

:''[Reading the title card]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Is this love, or is it just [[w:Fatal Attraction|rough]] [[w:Basic Instinct|sex]] with [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside the college dorm room]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So... Where's Waldo?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's under the bed.
:''[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Geez! How many times was she held back?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heh heh heh.
:'''Liz''': Hi, Peg!
:''[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Peg]''': Hi, Mom.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Peg''': I think I'll send a telegram instead.
:'''Liz''': Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
:'''Mike [as Liz]''': Well, I've known her for fifty years…

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Liz''': Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
:'''Peg''': Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
:'''Mike [as Peg]''': He's anatomically correct, and everything!
:'''Peg''': It's the real thing.
:'''Liz''': I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
:'''Servo [as Liz]''': ...at the turn of the century.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short is ending.]''
:'''Narrator''': How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
:'''Servo''': [[w: Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice|Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?]]
:'''Narrator''': How can you tell? Is this love?
:'''Crow''': You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
:''[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]''
:'''Mike''': And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
:'''Crow''': No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
:''[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]''
:'''Servo''': "How Much Affection?"
:'''Crow''': "When Should I Marry?"
:''[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]''
:'''Mike''': "Know Your Ointments"
:'''Servo''': "What's That Down There?"
:'''Crow''': "When He Wants It Rough"
:'''Mike''': "Procreation, Not Recreation"
:'''Servo''': "Oh No, Pleasure!"
:'''Crow''': "[[w:McClintock|McClintock!]]"

==== Teen-Age Strangler (movie) ====

:''[As a girl is strangled]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Splendor in the Grass|Splendor in the Grass]] 2: [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Dream Warrior]]!

=== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman ===

==== Cheating (short) ====
:''[Reading the opening cards]''
:'''Servo''': Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short opens over a large clock.]''
:'''Servo [as radio announcer]''': ''The Jack Benny Program''!
:''[The clock strikes ominously.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[deeply]'' [[w:A Christmas Carol|Ebenezer Scrooge]]...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A phone rings.]''
:'''Crow''': For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.
:''[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, the foley guy must be calling!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Johnny''': Why don't they call?
:'''Crow''': Because they don't like you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Mother Teresa called. She hates you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mary''': The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
:'''Crow [as John]''': Aw, let's just cheat!
:'''John''': x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... ''[Mary shakes her head]''
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': Nobody home, huh?
:'''John''': Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
:'''Mike [as Mary]''': John, this is geography!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.
:'''Crow''': Split it open now!
:'''Narrator''': You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.
:'''Servo''': On a doily.
:'''Narrator''': So you decided to take a chance.
:''[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]''
:'''Servo [as Johnny]''': ''[loudly]'' Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
:''[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]''
:'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she looked at you?
:'''Crow''': Or was it lust?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.
:''[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]''
:'''Servo [as Johnny]''': Oh, hi Miss Grandy— ''EAAAAAAGH!'' '''''AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And most of all, your new job as student council representative.
:''[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]''
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I envision a cheating wing!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]''
:'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': I smell a big Commie rat.
:'''Miss Grandy''': John, bring it up here, please.
:''[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]''
:'''Crow [as loudspeaker]''': PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!
:''[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]''
:'''Servo''': Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': And so [[w:Dana Plato|Dana Plato]]'s career begins.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]], Crow, [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Give us [[w:Barabbas|Barabbas!]] Barabbas!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': But did John truly intend to be dishonest?
:'''Servo''': Or was he just pure evil?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A question mark appears on-screen.]''
:'''Crow [as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]]''': Riddle me this, Batman! ''[cackles]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the "The End" card]''
:'''Mike''': The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!

==== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie) ====

:''[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, I have my [[w:Sobriety coin|40-year TV medallion]].
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Branded|What do you do when you're branded?]]
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' You watch TV.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Network (film)|I'm as mad as hell!...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''Holy'' cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:That Girl|Oh, Donald]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!
:'''Servo''': So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?
:''[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]''
:'''Mike''': Whahappa?
:'''Servo [as TV announcer]''': Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!
:''[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[in a dull voice]'' [[w:Tequila (song)|Tequila]].
:'''Crow''': Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]''
:'''Man''': Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Montgomery Burns|Simpson, eh?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from ''[[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]]''.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' Wha— that's ''The Mole People''! These movies have crashed!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Mole People'' in my ''Batwoman''!]]
:'''Servo''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Batwoman'' in my ''Mole People''!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the [[w:Monkees|Monkees]] look good!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Little Black Sambo|Maybe they'll all turn into butter.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So, Mike. This is Hell.
:''' Mike''': Yep.
:'''Crow''': Mike, I demand that you kill me.
: '''Servo''': Me too.
:'''Mike:''' No. ''[a beat]'' Will you kill me?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]"
:'''Servo''': Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[screaming]'' ENDDDD! ''EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!''
:''[And now, at last, the film ends.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[defeated and unimpressed]'' What a wild wild world!
:'''Crow''': Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!

=== Alien from L.A. ===
:''[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]''
:'''Crow''': Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or ''Sir'' to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?
:'''Mike''': ''[weakly]'' Sir, yes sir.
:'''Crow''': I didn't hear you, ladybritches!
:'''Mike''': I said sir, yes sir!
:'''Servo''': ''[in pieces on the table]'' Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch ''[[w:Sisters (TV series)|Sisters]]''!
:'''Crow''': You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?
:'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...
:'''Mike''': Hey Crow, c'mon...
:'''Crow''': I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!
:'''Mike''': Uh, [[w:Full Metal Jacket|This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine]].
:'''Crow''': And what is the name of your robot, boy?
:'''Servo''': Servo! Tom Servo!
:'''Crow''': I don't believe I was addressing ''you'', Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and ''give me twenty, Corporal?''
:'''Servo''': Uh, 'cause I can't?
:'''Crow''': Well, now, you just bought yourself ''two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!''
:'''Mike''': Uh, we'll be right back.
:'''Crow''': I heard that, [[w:Gomer Pyle|Pyle]]! You piece of ''filth!''
:'''Servo''': Well, several pieces, actually...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]''
:'''Wanda''': I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Robbie]''': It's your helium addiction.
: . . .
:'''Wanda''': Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Robbie]''': 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]''
:'''Mike''': That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]
:'''Crow''': Hey it's the Blue Mosque!
:'''Servo''': No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.
:'''Crow''': Have you been to Istanbul?
:'''Servo''': THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]''
:'''Mike [as Wanda]''': Ah! Swimsuit issue!
:'''Crow [as Wanda]''': This whole room smells like my eyes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]''
:'''Wanda''': Dad?
:'''Mike''': Look, your dad's not responsible for ''everything'' that happens in the world!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy Ireland]''': This door sounds brown!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]''
:'''Charmin''': Wait a minute...is that really your voice?
:'''Servo''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!

=== Beginning of the End ===

:''[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as soldier]''': [[w:One weekend a month, two weeks a year|One weekend a month my ass!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grasshopper]''': They got [[w:Jiminy_Cricket|Jiminy]]! Get em!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as general]''': We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to ''grasshoppers'', people!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as general]''': I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God!
:. . .
:''[As the grasshopper breaks free, [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves']]s character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Pete! Pete! ''Short, controlled'' bursts!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Brian Eno|Brian Eno]] ruled Chicago.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]''
:'''Mike''': Guys, this is so ''not'' Illinois.

=== The Atomic Brain ===

==== What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short) ====

:''[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]''
:'''Tom Servo''': ''[gasps]'' They ''flattened'' him!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]''
:'''Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]''': [[w:Norm Peterson|Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!]]

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]''
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': [[w:The Mod Squad|Pete, Linc, Julie]], and... Steve?
: . . .
:'''Servo [as [[w:Walter Winchell|Walter Winchell]]]''': Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]''
:'''Angry City Councilman''': We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
:'''Servo [as Councilman]''': Kill 'em all!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]''
:'''Servo''': It's [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]]'s new name, isn't it?
:'''Crow''': No, it's [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]]'s new name!

==== The Atomic Brain (movie) ====

:''[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]'''
:'''Mike:''' Hey, wait a minute!
:'''Crow:''' She's ''nude!''
:'''Servo:''' ''Lady...''

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]''
:'''Crow:''' She's ''SORT-OF ALIVE!''

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]''
:'''Servo:''' ''[giggling]'' And she floats ''gently'' to her death!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]''
:'''Crow [as Hetty/[[w:Dr. Strangelove|Dr. Strangelove]]]''': Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]''
:'''Servo''': So, Mike, where's the atomic brain?
:'''Mike''': I don't know...

=== Outlaw ===
:''[Over the title screen]'':
:'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' With [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]]? ''Oh please oh please oh please oh please...''
:'''Mike''': No, don't get your hopes up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]''
:'''Crow''': I hate this movie already.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]''
:'''Crow''': It's [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner Gordon]] calling!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Watney''': You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?
:'''Mike [as Watney]''': [[w:To Have and Have Not|You just put your lips together and drink!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]''
:'''Mike''': Any chance [[w:Barney Rubble|Barney Rubble]] there could go through the windshield?
:''[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]''
:'''Crow''': Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Watney''': Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?
:'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Ssh! I'm acting!
:'''Cabot''': I must go to Koruba!
:'''Watney''': What?
:'''Cabot''': Koruba.
:''[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]''
:'''Watney''': The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.
:'''Mike, Crow & Servo''': ''[chanting]'' Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...
:'''Watney''': Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?
:'''Mike''': ''[whispers]'' Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!
:'''Crow''': They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Guard''': Who are you?
:'''Cabot''': My name is Cabot.
:'''Guard''': Cabot?
:''[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]''
:'''Peasant #1''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #2''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #3''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #4''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #5''': Cabot!
:'''Mike''': Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.

<hr width="50%">
:''[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]''
:'''Cabot''': Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
:'''Mike [as Cabot]''': Uh, starting tomorrow.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]''
:'''Servo''': Check it out, it's one of them [[w:Jack Nicklaus|Jack Nicklaus]] golf communities!
:'''Mike''': ''[to Servo]'' ...Are you old? How do you know about that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]''
:'''Queen Lara''': What are you talking about?
:'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': ''[resignedly]'' I really don't know.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]''
:'''Cabot''': She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
:'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Nekkid.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]''
:'''Crow''': Let's see, uh... ''[doing a Jack Palance impression]'' "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
:'''Mike''': Okay... ''[takes book and does own Jack Palance impression]'' "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." ''[referring to his character's recurring phrase]'' "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
:'''Servo''': ''[takes book, does Palance]'' "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing [[w:Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas]]. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
:'''Crow''': ''[book; Palance]'' "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
:'''Mike''': "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
:'''Servo''': "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" ''[startled, reverts back to normal voice]'' "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
:''[all shudder]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the end credits]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, well.
:'''Crow''': Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
:'''Mike''': No, did they show 'em on ''[[w:Bloopers and Practical Jokes|Bloopers and Practical Jokes]]''?
:'''Servo''': No, uh, ''[[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death]]'', actually. ''[They all laugh.]'' Sounds like ''Miami Vice''. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
:'''Mike''': No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the [[w:USA Network|USA network]].
:'''Servo''': Oh! The USA— ''[imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s]'' I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. ''[imitates the fanfare again]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, ''Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]''
:'''Crow''': Yeah, that or— ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[W:Jeff Conaway|Jeff Conaway]] and [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]] play a deadly game of cat and mouse in ''Murder Most Moist''."
:'''Servo''': Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[w:Judy Landers|Judy Landers]] is on the trail of a devious killer in ''Peekaboo Lace, P.I''."
:'''Crow''': That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout ''[Announcer]'' "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in ''Dark Underpants''"?
:'''Mike''': How about this one? ''[Announcer]'' "[[w:Lindsay Wagner|Lindsay Wagner]] is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in ''Tongue Lashing''!"
:'''Crow''': I like it!
:'''Servo''': Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in ''French Pistol.'' CATCH IT!" ''[as they laugh]'' This is fun! Yeah.
:'''Mike''': Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in ''Death Spank''!"
:'''Servo''': Ooh, good one, "''Death Spank''"!
:'''Crow''': I've got a good one. How about "[[w:Chris Lemmon|Chris Lemmon]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] form a crime fighting unit in ''The Lingerie Justice Files''"?
:'''Servo''': Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and [[w:Morgan Fairchild|Morgan Fairchild]] are ''The Crotchless Killers''."
:'''Crow''': I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between [[w:Richard Chamberlain|Richard Chamberlain]] and [[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] in ''Tap Pant Desire''"?
:'''Servo''': Nice use of Ben Vereen.
:'''Mike''': I like the way you think. Try this one on. "[[w:William Devane|William Devane]] tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in ''The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders''!"
:'''Servo''': Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "[[w:Lisa Hartman Black|Lisa Hartman]] is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in ''Cheek Beats''."
:'''Crow''': You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in ''The Waco Panty Raid''."
:'''Mike''': Um, uh, "[[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in ''Naked Came The Nude''!"
:'''Servo''': "[[w:Peter Deluise|Peter Deluise]] and [[w:Tommy Tune|Tommy Tune]] are ''Cod Police''."
:'''Mike''': ''[as they exit the theater]'' That was good.

=== Radar Secret Service ===

==== Last Clear Chance (short) ====

:''[Title of short appears]''
:'''Servo''': Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As woman walks away from car]''
:'''Crow''': Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[growling]'' Rrrrr.
:. . .
:'''Patrolman''': If you haven't seen the signs...
:'''Mike''': Boy, you haven't lived.
:'''Patrolman''': ...then this train might come as a surprise to you.
:'''Servo''': The [[w:Soul Train|Sooooooooooooul Train]]!
:'''Crow [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': Thank you very much, Clarissa...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': [As patrolman] I'd tuck you in, but you're dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.
:'''Crow''': Even though you don't deserve it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
:'''Servo [as patrolman]''': They're communists!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Like a 'curve warning'. Or a 'right of way' sign. 'Narrow bridge'. 'Signals ahead'. 'Do not enter'. 'No passing', and many others.
:'''Crow''': 'All nude girls!'
:'''Servo''': 'Whites only'.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]''
:'''Patrolman''': Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
:'''Mike''': Women drivers! ''[everyone chuckles condecsendingly]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. [An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]
:'''Crow''': The paid assassin cruising through town!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--
:'''Servo''': AAAAAH!
:''[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]''
:'''Servo''': That's what they say.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]''
:'''Frank''': ''[Jokingly]'' I give up, officer! What's the charge?
:'''Crow [as patrolman]''': Ha, ha! '''MANSLAUGHTER'''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Engineer''': Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
:'''Tom [as Ralph]''': You're deep, Ernie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
:'''Mike [as patrolman]''': Save a place for me at your dinner table!
:'''Patrolman''': ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
:'''Tom''': ...uh-oh...
:'''Patrolman''': ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
:'''Crow''': OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
:'''Patrolman''': Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
:'''Tom''': He's a bad cop on the loose!
:'''Patrolman''': ...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
:'''Mike''': Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!

==== Radar Secret Service (movie) ====

:''[As title of movie appears on screen]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Gary_Burghoff|Gary Burghoff]] goes undercover!
:'''Mike''': That would explain his career for the last 10 years.

=== Santa Claus ===

:''[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]''
:'''Magic Voice''': We'll be right back... I think. Noel!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]''
:'''Gypsy''': Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
:'''Mike''': Oh, the big one! Okay. ''[He opens a box]'' Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! ''[He holds it up]'' Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
:'''Gypsy''': Yeah, well, I started knitting it for [[w:Joel Robinson|the other guy]] a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.{{hnote|This refers to Joel who used to be here, but that was 5½ years ago.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]''
:'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
:. . .
:''[Over Spain]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing along]'' [[w:I Will Follow Him|I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...]]
:. . .
:''[Over China]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' We are forced to sing...
:'''Crow''': Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Boys and girls from England.
:'''Crow''': ...have rotten teeth.
:'''Servo [as Santa]''': Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Japan also helps Santa.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Talented children from the Orient.
:'''Crow''': ...are not here today.
:'''Mike''': Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
:'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Get it on in the morning now!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Even Russia has a delegation.
:'''Crow''': Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The group from France.
:'''Servo''': ...stinks to high heaven!
:. . .
:''[Over Germany]''
:'''Crow [as [[w:Hogan's Heroes|General Burkhalter]]]''': Klink, you are a terrible singer!
:'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
:'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
:'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': Well, my father was a very famous conductor...{{hnote|Werner Klemperer, who played Col. Klink, was the son of the legendary conductor Otto Klemperer. See? Sitting up to watch ''MST3K'' can be quite educational!}}
:'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': Shut up!
:'''Mike''': I just wanna know one thing: When are [[w:Donny and Marie|Donny and Marie]] coming through the door?
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Here's a happy song from Italy.
:'''Servo''': ''[sings random Italian gibberish]''
:'''Crow''': So is this [[w:Italian neorealism|neorealism]]?
:'''Servo [as [[w:The Godfather|Don Corleone]]]''': Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
:'''Mike''': Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The islands of the Caribbean.
:'''Mike''': ...have nothing to do with this movie.
:'''Servo [as a Jamaican]''': Legalize [[w:Marijuana|it]], mon!
:'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Get Up, Stand Up|Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...]]
:'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
:'''Mike''': And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
:'''Crow''': Ho! Santa's doing [[w:Lambada|the forbidden dance]]!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The countries of Central America.
:'''Mike''': ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
:'''Servo''': Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Hooray!
:'''Mike''': Yay! USA! Woo!
:'''Narrator''': The children of the USA.
:'''Crow''': ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
:'''Crow''': ...are over-accessorized.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The devil is encouraging the little girl named Lupita to steal].''
:'''Narrator''': Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
:'''Crow''': Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
:'''Narrator''': That's right, Lupita, put it back.
:''[Lupita puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].''
:'''Crow [as mother]''': Way to defeat Satan, honey.
:'''Pitch''': ''[muttering angrily to himself]'' Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
:'''Mike''': ''[bewildered]'' Oh, don't ever do that again.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[cheerfully]'' Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]''
:'''Second boy''': ''[over radio]'' Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
:'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': They're on to me! Into the escape pod!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]''
:'''Crow''': This is a ''[[w:fascism|fascist]]'' Santa!
:'''Mike''': Yeah, at the end, Santa gets [[w:Benito Mussolini|hung upside down]].
:'''Tom''': Well, at least he [[w:Benito Mussolini|made the sleigh rides run on time]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, I suppose ''Hell'' got an [[w:National_Endowment_for_the_Arts|NEA]] grant!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]''
:'''Mike [as announcer]''': It's your new mom! ''[Crow imitates audience roaring]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lupita is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]''
:'''Mike''': Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several children are writing.]''
:'''Crow [as children]''': [[w:Moby-Dick|Call me Ishmael]]... [[w:Six Crises|I was born in a house my father built]]... [[w:Catch-22 (novel)|The minute Yossarian]]...
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[sings]'' [[w:Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?|I've written a letter to Daddy...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]''
:'''Mike [as boy]''': I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]] contests are a waste of time!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]''
:'''Crow [as Santa]''': Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My [[w:chain letter|chain letter]] scam worked!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Pedro''': What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
:'''Santa Claus''': Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
:'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': And they eat at [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]''
:'''Servo''': This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
:''[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
:''[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]''
:'''Servo, Mike, and Crow''': He, he haha, hahaha, ''[laughing turns into terrified screams]'' AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
:''[Santa is still laughing]''
:'''Mike''': ''[scared]'' What's happening?!
:''[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a [[w:pentagram|pentagram]]-like symbol on the wall.]''
:'''Servo''': A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]''
:'''Servo [as African Child]''': ''[grumbling]'' Bone in my hair... I'm from ''Detroit''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky]'' I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?
:'''Servo''': [[w:Circle Pines, MN|Circle Pines]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]''
:'''Mike [as Santa]''': Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. ''[pause]'' ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!

=== Teen-Age Crime Wave ===

:''[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]''
:'''Mike [as an answering machine]''': This is [[w:Jim Rockford|Jim Rockford]], leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
:'''Crow''': Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
:'''Servo''': ''[starts performing ''[[w:The Rockford Files|The Rockford Files]]'' theme]''

=== Village of the Giants ===

:''[The credits show "Based on ''[[w:The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth|The Food of the Gods]]'' by [[H. G. Wells]]".]''
:'''Crow''': "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
:'''Mike''': It could be based on ''[[w:Profiles in Courage|Profiles in Courage]]!''
:'''Servo''': Oh, by [[w:Theodore Sorensen|Theodore Sorensen]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.'']
:'''Servo''': He blew his hand off!
:'''Crow [as Magnus Pyke]''': [[w:She Blinded Me With Science| I blinded me with science!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]''
:'''Crow''': You know, I'm starting to suspect this ''might'' be padding.
:'''Servo''': Oh, no, no...
:'''Mike''': No, that's real.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Genius (played by a young [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]''
:'''Mike''': I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see ''[[w:Willow_(film)|Willow]]''.
:'''Crow''': Hey, I liked ''Willow''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]''
:'''Mike''': Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with ''Willow''.
:'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I liked ''Willow''!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Kevin Pollak|Kevin Pollak]]? You ''liked'' that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]''
:'''Crow''': Spiders don't growl, even that big.
:'''Mike''': I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.
:'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I liked ''Willow''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert I.]]
:'''Servo''': That's why he made ''Willow''.
:'''Crow''': Hey, I '''liked''' ''Willow''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, come on! The effects in ''Willow'' were better than this!
:'''Mike''': Hey, you liked ''Willow''!
:'''Crow''': I— huh?

=== 12 to the Moon ===

==== Design for Dreaming (short) ====

:''[The title card appears for two seconds as the gang enters.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, this is by Noel Coward.
:''[We go straight into the story.]''
:'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright...
:'''Mike''': Aw, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Mystery Man first appears, presenting an invitation to Motorama...]''
:'''Servo''': And Tommy Tune arrives!
:'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' Let me persuade you to come to the place where tomorrow meets today...
:'''Crow [as Nuveena]''': A subpoena? For ''me''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Nuveena arrives at Motorama...]''
:'''Mike''': Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I had a near-death experience like this.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Corvette!
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': ''[singing]'' I don't give a tin sh...!
:'''Mystery Man''': I thought you would!
:'''Crow [as Mystery Man]''': That's why I entered your head!
:'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Pontiac, too!
:'''Mike''': Man, she's a high-maintanence date!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' This Buick's a beaut!
:'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I'll try it!
:''[The shot transitions to Nuveena sitting in the driver's seat of the Buick.]''
:'''Crow''': She's gonna roll it!
:''[Mike and Tom Servo gasp]''
:. . .
:'''Servo [as a voice on a loudspeaker]''': Ah, call Security to the showroom floor, please.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I hope this is a rebuttal to ''[[w:Roger And Me|Roger And Me]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nuveena comes out of a car carrying what looks like an umbrella in her hands.]''
:'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I can hardly wait for this dream to come tru-u-u-u-ue!
:'''Servo''': Oh, at least I got myself a good parking spot!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nuveena is suddenly seen in the showroom floor wearing an apron over her dress.]''
:'''Mystery Man''': Better get her into the kitchen quick!
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Tater tots are burning!
:'''Crow [as a teenage boy]''': Any more girls in there?
:''[Mike and Crow laughs like [[w:Beavis and Butthead|Beavis and Butthead]]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Kitchen of Tomorrow begins working on a cake...]''
:'''Crow''': Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In her dream, Nuveena emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Aaah! It's a salute to [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Mr. B Natural (short)|Mr. B Natural]]!
:'''Servo''': Oh, no, no, no!
:''[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]''
:'''Mike''': This would be the "up" part of her [[w:Bipolar disorder|manic mood swings]], I'm guessing.
:'''Crow''': Oh-ho-ho...
:'''Servo''': Man, it is gonna take her ''forever'' to write this dream down.
:''[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[Shocked]'' Ah! Wow!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
:'''Crow''': Well, sometimes a sun hat is ''just'' a sun hat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nuveena removes the cake from a futuristic oven.]''
:'''Nuveena''': My cake is ready.
:'''Mike''': Uh-uh. I call no way!
:'''Servo''': Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
:'''Crow''': [[w:Happy Birthday, Wanda June|Happy Birthday, Wanda June]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Now in a gown, Nuveena is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]''
:'''Narrator''': And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:A Chorus Line|Chorus Line 2]]: [[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|The Wrath]] of [[w:Chaka Khan|Chaka Khan]]''!
: . . .
:'''Nuveena''': Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
:''[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]''
:'''Servo, Crow [as Crowd]''': ''Give us [[w:Cyd Charisse|Cyd Charisse]]!''
:'''Crow''': While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': [[w:Cindy Williams|Cindy Williams]] ''is'' [[w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla Tharp]] ''as'' [[w:Isadora Duncan|Isadora Duncan]] ''in'' ''The [[w:Meredith Monk|Meredith Monk]] Story: A One-Woman Show''!
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Co-starring [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]].
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': As [[w:Charlie's Angels|Bosley]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]''
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
:'''Crow''': Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
:'''Crow''': Fonzie's death car.
:'''Mike [as Fonzie]''': Ay.
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
:'''Crow''': Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': The "Closed Three Plants" car.
:'''Mike''': Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
:'''Crow''': The Schick electric razor car!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Costume by [[w:Capri pants|Emilio of Capri]]!
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Unfettered [[Wiktionary:avarice|avarice]] by [[w:Madison Avenue|Madison Avenue]]!
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': ...in ''The Honeymooners''!
:''[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]''
:'''Crow [as the cars "expression"]''': GRRR! RRRRrrrR!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Mystery Man introduces the final car shown, the Firebird II, he deliberately shushes the audience to ensure that it is "secretly" a surprise reveal.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, this is what happens when you go to a car show with [[w:Michael Crawford (actor)|Michael Crawford]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the Firebird II]''
:'''Crow''': The "Extention Of My Manhood" car!
:'''Mike''': Your deal with the devil is now complete.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Nuveena]''': Do you have it in red?
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's a six week delivery, ma'am.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nuveena and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. The Mystery Man points out something.]''
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Look, dead raccoon of tomorrow.
:''[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]''
:'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' Tomorrow...
:'''Servo''': ''[singing, a la Elmer Fudd]'' [[w:What's Opera, Doc?|With my sword and magic helmet...]]
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Automatic freeway. You build it.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Someone invent rock and roll, please!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends, Nuveena and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]''
:'''Mike''': Look out! The bridge to the future's out!
:''[They all gasp and make crash sounds as the end card appears.]''

==== 12 to the Moon (movie) ====

:''[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]''
:'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Lady!
:'''Crow [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, lady!
:'''Mike [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, down here, lady!
:'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Love this lady.
:'''Mike''': She's in everything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the opening title]''
:'''Mike''': Doughnuts?
:'''Servo''': No, no, no.
:'''Crow [as [[w:Jackie Gleason|Jackie Gleason]]]''': Oh, you're ''goin' '' to the moon, all right!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]''
:'''Mike''': Wow, I think ''I'm'' in this!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]''
:'''Secretary General''': At this moment...
:'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': I may die!
:'''Secretary General''': ... over two billion people...
:'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[w:McDonald's#Parodies in popular media|have been served]].
:'''Secretary General''': … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
:'''Mike [as Secretary General]''': ... and my rump.
:'''Secretary General''': Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
:'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[wikt:dolphin-safe|dolphin-safe]]!
:'''Secretary General''': ... international territory.
:'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': ... and [[w:IHOP (restaurant)|House of Pancakes]].
: . . .
:'''Secretary General''': God be with you.
:'''Servo''': [[w:Collect#Liturgical collect|And also with you]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]''
:'''Dr. Hamid''': Allah be praised!
:'''Dr. Orlov''': Praise the ship, not Allah.
:'''Servo [as Hamid]''': I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.

== Season 6 ==

=== Girls Town ===

:''[Regarding [[w:Mel Tormé|Mel Tormé]]...]''
:'''Mike''': Hit him! He'll cry!
: . . .
:'''Mike''': He's like a youthful [[w:Star Wars|Jabba the Hutt]].

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]''
:'''Mike Nelson [as Chip]''': ''[screams, then pauses]'' Hey, look, a [[w:Morchella|morel]]! ''[resumes screaming]''
: . . .
:''[Chip hits the ground and dies.]''
:'''Servo [as Chip]''': Uh... call me?
: . . .
:''[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]''
:'''Fred''': Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip?
:'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': Down here! I got a crick in my neck!
: . . .
:'''Fred''': Chip, come on! Say something, Chip!
:'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': "Wuh-aughhh!"
: . . .
:''[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]''
:'''Mike [as Chip's corpse]''': Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]''
:'''Mother Veronica''': Wait for me, sister.
:'''Crow [as Mother Veronica]''': If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced [[w:Paul Anka|Paul Anka]]).]''
:'''Mr. Clyde''': You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with her dead ex-boyfriend's father]''
:'''Mr. Gardner''': I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
:'''Silver''': Oh, no? ''[turns to face him]''
:'''Crow [as Silver]''': Do ''these'' explain anything?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]], steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]''
:'''Crow''': Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Silver''': Any.. studs around here?
:'''Serafina''': Any what?
:'''Silver''': Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
:'''Serafina''': Only the gardeners.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Serafina]''': And Father Fabio!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
:'''Jimmy''': I'm just a lonely boy…
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Why does that not surprise me?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Velvet Hog! {{hnote|Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, ''The Velvet Fog''.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Operator]''': Girls Town, please hold.
:'''Servo [as Hold Music]''': ''[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"]'' Our father, who art in heaven…
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Operator]''': All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. {{hnote|Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]''
:'''Silver''': Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ''ten'' times! I can't get anyone to answer!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Operator]''': Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]''
:'''Silver Morgan''': Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
:'''Mike''': Especially since he's thirty-eight!

=== Invasion USA ===

==== A Date with Your Family (short) ====

:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] story!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, I like my family, ''as a friend''!

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:''[Reading a list of names in the credits]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': All of who are orphans.

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:''[Brother looks inside a pot]''
:'''Narrator''': What's the matter?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[w:Fatal Attraction|THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!
]]
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:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee...

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:'''Narrator''': The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': So they're unsuspecting when they ''kill'' them.

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:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant.

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:''[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]''
:'''Narrator''': Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.

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:'''Narrator''': Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': With [[w:Strychnine|strychnine]]!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Daughter]''': Salad needs more butter, Mother!

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:'''Narrator''': ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': But not these people.

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:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': What you are watching should have been edited in the final version. My apologies.

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:'''Narrator''': They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': They're not, of course...

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:''[as the boys talk with their dad]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Junior]''': Father, I had a feeling today.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Father]''': Well ''don't'', son.

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:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mother]''': Hi, I'm Betty, and I'l be your wife tonight.

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:''[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]''
:'''Narrator''': Brother seats Junior...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
:'''Narrator''': ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The less said about this, the better.
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...

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:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Daughter]''': Dad, I'm dating a Negro!

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:'''Narrator''': Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': Please, God, take me now...

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:''[As Father begins passing food.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in a British accent]'' [[w:Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field Marshall Montgomery]] sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...
:''[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]''
:'''Narrator''': They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': No, I— I'll just have Saltines.
:'''Narrator''': I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Emotions are for ''ethnic'' people.
:'''Narrator''': Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': I can't stress "unemotional" enough.

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:'''Narrator''': Father serves Mother first, then Daughter.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Let's go to the flowchart for this.
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.

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:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.

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:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left.

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:'''Narrator''': No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': THIS MEANS YOU!
:'''Narrator''': Always wait for the hostess...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': to seat you.
:'''Narrator''': ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!

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:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': I'm moving to [[w:Fire Island|Fire Island]], dear.

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:'''Narrator''': Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...even as you gag on it.
:''[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks!]]

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:'''Narrator''': Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …than having a personality.

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:'''Narrator''': Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': …and they already dislike you enough.

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:''[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Father]''': Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.

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:'''Narrator''': Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Do you? DO YOU?
:'''Narrator''': And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
:'''Narrator''': When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...and control and repression.

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:''[As the short ends]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this makes me want to heat up a [[w:Libbyland|Libbyland]] frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[waves goodbye]'' Bye-bye, everyone.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Simmel-Mervay release.

==== Invasion USA (movie) ====

:''[Over the opening credits...]''
:'''Mike''': Starring these people ''and'' [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]].
:. . .
:''[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|What, me direct?]]

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:'''Pilot''': Control tower, request landing instructions.
:'''Tom Servo [as flight controller]''': ''[irate]'' Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!

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:'''Carla''': ''[about her work at the blood bank]'' We set a record today.
:'''Vince''': You set a record with me a long time ago.
:'''Mike [as Vince]''': God, I'm smooth.

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:''["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]''
:'''Sylvester''': Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. ''[...]'' Finished with your drink?
:'''Carla''': Yes, but I—
:'''Vince''': ''I'll'' take care of her.
:'''Sylvester''': Is that the way you want it?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Carla]''': ''[suggestively]'' Vince and I are gonna make our ''own'' tank parts.

=== The Dead Talk Back ===

==== The Selling Wizard (short) ====

:''[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]''
:'''Mike''': Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!

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:''[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]''
:'''Narrator''': You, the ice cream manufacturer.
:'''Crow''': Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
:'''Narrator''': You...
:'''Mike''': Me?
:'''Narrator''': ...the frozen food distributor.
:'''Servo''': [[w:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry]] before Woodstock.
:'''Narrator''': And you, the food retailer.
:'''Crow [as announcer]''': These three people will square off against—

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:'''Narrator''': Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
:'''Mike''': Over '''three''' kinds of vanilla!
:'''Narrator''': ...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
:'''Crow''': For high people.
:''[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]''
:'''Narrator''': Frozen products are impulse items...
:'''Servo''': I'll take it, I'll take it!
:'''Narrator''': And impulse buying is primarily...
:'''Mike''': Women's fault.
:''[The stack suddenly drops]''
:'''Narrator''': ...an emotional decision.
:'''Crow''': The market crashed!

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:''[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]''
:'''Narrator''': Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yet, this is the result.

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:''[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]''
:'''Narrator''': Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Servo''': Are we in heaven?
:'''Crow''': ''[as the lights finish]'' Rip-off!

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:'''Mike''': It's a little big; I just want a hotplate!

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:'''Narrator''': And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?
:'''Servo''': Bosoms!
:'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling.
:'''Crow''': Or "S. A. S."

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:''[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]''
:'''Narrator''': One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
:'''Servo''': Just one glance, don't look back.

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:''[Noticing a box in the freezer]''
:'''Mike''': This is frozen ''cotton''?

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:'''Narrator''': And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range.
:'''Servo''': GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
:'''Narrator''': They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
:'''Crow''': But don't put your tongue on it!

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:''[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]''
:'''Crow''': Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
:'''Narrator''': Gentlemen! If you please!
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': You filthy degenerates!

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:''[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]''
:'''Narrator''': Yes, on every count...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Guilty!

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:'''Servo''': Next step, open a grocery store.

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:'''Mike''': This freezer rules!

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:''[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]''
:'''Narrator''': This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
:'''Mike''': ...makes no sense.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': (singing) ''And it comes out here...''
:. . .
:'''Servo''': WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!

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:'''Crow''': But I need a stove.

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:'''Narrator''': In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity...
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Bodies stack easy.

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:''[Over the "The End" card]''
:'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': And remember to buy Ed McMahon's [[w:Budweiser|Budweiser]] ice cream.
:'''All''': Hi-yo!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Leni Riefenstahl|Leni Riefenstahl]]'s most powerful film.
:'''Servo''': Hi-yo!

==== The Dead Talk Back (movie) ====
:'''Crow''': ''[as a TV announcer]'' Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp.

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:''[As a man in a trench coat runs towards a malfuctioning car]''
:'''Mike''': And Creepy [[w:American Automobile Association|Triple-A]] is there.

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:''[Close-up of crossbow being fired]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Poison Arrow|Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!]]

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:''[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]''
:'''Servo''': Is someone purring?
:''[Crow looks around for a bit.]''

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:''[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass.]''
:'''Woman''': I can't hear it clearly—
:'''Servo''': That's because it's '''''A RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!'''''

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:''[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance.]''
:'''Crow [as Krasker/[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]]''': And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was ''split''! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim...

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:''[During the end credits]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead!

=== Zombie Nightmare ===
:''[The opening credits identify the [[w: heavy metal|heavy metal]] bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: [[w:Motorhead|Motorhead]]...]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of [[w:Cole Porter|Cole Porter]] tunes!
:''[...[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]]...]''
:'''Crow''': Uh, that's ''Woman''school?
:''[...[[w:Thor|Thor]]...]''
:'''Servo''': ''[lisping]'' Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
:''[...[[w:Deathmask|Deathmask]]...]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
:''[...and [[w:Fist|Fist]].]''
:'''Servo''': And I saw Fist when they opened for [[w:Badfinger|Badfinger]]!

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:''[Before the car hits Tony]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo |Servo]]''': Don't worry, his ''area'' will protect him!
:''[Tony gets hit by car]''
:'''Servo''': ...Or not.

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:''[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]''
:'''Mike [as one of the teens]''': I think we hit a moose!
:'''Crow [as one of the teens]''': ''[hysterical]'' ''C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!''

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:''[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]''
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot| Crow]]''': [[w:Dead Skunk|There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road]]! Dead boy!

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:''[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]''
:'''Bobby''': Hey, what's the matter?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': This [[w:Kansas (band)|Kansas]] song just makes me so sad!

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:'''Jim''': What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream!

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:''[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]''
:'''Crow [as Tony]''': Must... register... for... semester!
:. . .
:''[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]''
:'''Servo''': Damn radiator!
:'''Crow''': Soundtrack by [[w:John Cage|John Cage]].

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:''[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]''
:'''Servo''': [[Airplane!|The ''dead'' Zone is for loading and unloading only...]]

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:''[When [[w:Adam West|Adam West]] first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]''
:'''Servo [as ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' TV announcer]''': What's ''this''?

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:''[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]].

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:'''Det. Sorrell''': ''[on the issue of Bobby's murder]'' The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it!
:'''Capt. Churchman''': Maybe James Earl has a great batting average.
:'''Servo''': But it's the [[w: Run batted in|R.B.Is]] that count, isn't it?

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:''[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]''
:'''Crow''': Y'know, ironically, they were only able to [[w:Al Capone|bust the zombie for tax evasion!]] ''[chuckles]''

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:''[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Hal Needham|Hal Needham]] was brought in to direct this scene.
:''[The car drives off the screen.]''
:'''Servo''': And that's it.

=== Colossus and the Headhunters ===

:''[Our hero [[w:Maciste|Maciste]] (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]''
:'''Servo [as Maciste]''': I leave you alone for ''one hour—!''

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:'''Ariel''': What is your name?
:'''Maciste''': Maciste, and yours?
:'''Crow''': ''[holding back laughter]'' ''Cheese''steak?

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:''[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]''
:'''Crow''': Hmm... the camera operator is ''indulging'' himself here...

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:''[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
:'''Maciste''': Land! Land!
:'''Servo [as Maciste]''': It would be really great if we found some land!
:'''Mike [as Maciste]''': It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.

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:''[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[snickering]'' Luckily, this was before death had been invented.

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:''[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]''
:'''Crow [as Maciste]''': ''[wearily]'' Hey, look, my island blew up!

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:''[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
:''[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh. Heh.
:. . .
:''[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]''
:'''Servo [as soldier]''': Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
:'''Mike''': And thus, [[w:synchronized swimming|synchronized swimming]] was invented!

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:''[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]''
:'''Kermes''': The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance.
:'''Mike''': Pssh! ''He's'' talking about fragile shoulders.
:'''Kermes''': Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty...
:'''Servo''': And pants!
:'''Kermes''': And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess.
:'''Crow''': Well, at least you're not pompous.
: . . .
:'''Kermes''': That is why you and I will rule together with me as your...
:'''Servo''': Dun-dun-dun!
:'''Kermes''': ...advisor.
:'''Crow''': Huh?!
: . . .
:''[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]''
:'''Mike [as Kermes]''': Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it!

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:'''Crow''': Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?

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:''[A fight scene has broken out.]''
:'''Mike''': Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?

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:''[Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.]''
:'''Servo''': Now ''this'' will anger the gods!
: . . .
:''[The not very good dance goes on and on.]''
:'''Mike''': So... the director has a girlfriend.
:'''Crow''': Apparently!
: . . .
:'''Crow''': This is history's first awkward moment.
:'''Mike''': ''[dramatically]'' For the first time, people don't know where to look.
: . . .
:'''Crow [as the blind King]''': I think it's pretty good!

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:''[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]''
:'''Mike''': Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!

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:''[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]''
:'''Mike [as Kermes]''': ''[Lisping.]'' I caught you, you bitch!

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:''[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]''
:'''Mike [as Maciste]''': Wow, those sharp things really work!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally ''does'' something!

=== The Creeping Terror ===

:''[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]''
:'''Sheriff Ben''': It could be one of our missiles.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Martin]''': This county has missiles, sir?

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:[''The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth'']
:'''Mike [as Alien]''': Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
:'''Crow [as Alien]''': I can't believe I ate the ''whole'' thing!

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:''[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]''
:'''Crow''': When [[w:Tom Wolfe#The white suit|Tom Wolfe's]] wife does the laundry!

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:''[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]''
:'''Servo''': Let the current take you away! '''''SWIIIIM!'''''

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:'''Narrator''': The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …to a sold-out crowd!
:'''Narrator''': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And those who did ''not'' survive such a catastrophe ''also'' would not go there again.

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:''[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, there's ''bullets'' in the other end of that thing!

=== Bloodlust! ===
==== Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) ====
:''[The title appears on screen.]''
:'''Crow''': I ''thought'' I smelled something!

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:'''Mike''': Is [[w:Velveeta|Velveeta]] a member of the National Dairy Council?
:'''Servo''': Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group.

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:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an ''edgy'' man who should not be riled.

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:'''Narrator''': George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Day after life-sucking day.

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:[''As grain pours out of a spout'']
:'''Crow [as George]''': I just saw a finger!
:'''Mike''': Can we go home?

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:''[The kids are playing in the hay]''
:'''Servo [as city girl]''': But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at [[w:Pamida|Pamida]]!

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:''[The girls wake up in their bunk bed and talk to each other.]''
:'''Crow [as girl]''': Uncle Jim's out of control - we [[w:Frag_%28military%29|frag]] him today.

==== Bloodlust! (movie) ====

:''[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's ''Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party''—
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''I'' did it!
:'''[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]], Servo, [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': CROW!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]''
:'''Mike [as the skull]''': ''[muffled and sarcastically]'' Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended'']
:'''Mike [as Al Jolson]''': ''[singing]'' Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I ''don't like'' the villain!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]''
:'''Mike''': Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", ''then'' this would be ironic.

=== Code Name: Diamond Head ===

==== A Day at the Fair (short) ====

:''[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, I didn't finish!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the very beginning of the short]''
:'''Narrator''': This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
:'''Servo''': Any questions so far?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]''
:'''Narrator''': Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator/Barker]''': Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! {{hnote|Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for The Price is Right.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Johnny goes first to see the fish.
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I like fish...
:'''Narrator''': Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home.
:'''Mike''': Well, see, they ''were'' in the creek, but they've been ''caught'' and that's why they're ''here''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Later, these moths turn up [[w:Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs)|in the mouths of Bob's victims!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Showing a collection of pickle jars]''
:'''Servo''': Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
:''[The short cuts to a new scene]''
:'''Narrator''': What's this?
:'''Crow''': EVIL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]''
:'''Narrator''': Judging cakes oughta be fun.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]''
:'''Narrator''': First, she ''feels'' the cake...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...then she rubs it into her hair...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]''
:'''Mike [as Mr. Olsen]''': Let's go eat something gray.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]''
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! ''Waaait''...
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
:'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' What, tinsel, little lights?
:'''Servo''': This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': [[w:Grazing_in_the_Grass#The_Friends_of_Distinction_version|Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]''
:'''Narrator''': Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bob]''': Where's the corn go?
:'''Narrator''': Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. {{hnote|American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Harness races at the grandstand]''
:'''Crow [as horse]''': Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
:'''Servo [as horse]''': Carrots? I love carrots!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
:'''Crow''': ''[quietly, as if off in distance]'' ''Aiieee''...
:'''Servo''': Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': They're into the curb.
:'''Servo''': And they're into jazz.
:'''Crow [as boy]''': Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
:. . .
:''[One horse is way behind.]''
:'''Mike [as horse]''': Uh, hey guys, wait up!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The race is over.
:'''Crow''': And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
:'''Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]''' ''Elvira...''
:''[Fade to the next scene]''
:'''Servo [as Bob]''': Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]''
:'''Narrator''': Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The cows are furious!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends]''
:'''Narrator''': Too soon, the rides are over.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The lawsuts begin.
:'''Narrator''': And too soon, all the fun comes to an end.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as one of the Olsons]''': You spent your nickel, we're done.

==== Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) ====
:''[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]''
:'''Crow''': Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to—
:''[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]''
:'''Mike, Servo, & Crow''': AAAAAAAAH!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': This is so almost ''Mitchell''.
:'''Crow''': It's about fifty pounds short of ''Mitchell''.

=== The Skydivers ===
==== Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) ====
:''[Over the title screen]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Because you're bad at math?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short is a Centron production.]''
:'''Servo''': Thank you, Centron!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[after several seconds of silence]'' Depressed yet?
:'''Joe [voiceover]''': You know, it's fun to have an idea.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': There, wasn't that fun?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]''
:'''Joe''': And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': ''[luridly]'' ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
:'''Joe''': I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': ''[nervously]'' I put them in my underwear!
:'''Joe''': ...the bright glare of a welder...
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
:'''Servo [as Joe]''': Yes!
:'''Joe''': ...the sharp whine of the power tools…
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': ...the piercing scream of a freshman…
:'''Joe''': ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep ''Popular Mechanics'' under my mattress!
:'''Servo''': The feeling of chaps with no pants!
:'''Joe''': ...A wrench...
:'''Mike''': Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
:'''Joe''': ...A plane...
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[haltingly]'' These tools are my friends!
:'''Joe''': ...or a chisel...
:'''Servo''': What about girls young man? Girls?
:'''Mike''': No, no, chisels!
:'''Joe''': And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman.
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': And not a killer!
:'''Joe''': Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Then they pants you and drag you around the track…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]''
:'''Joe's buddy''': Wow, you made this?
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': I'm making it for the [[w:Ku Klux Klan|Grand Wizard]].
:'''Joe's buddy''': Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
:'''Joe''': It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
:'''Joe's buddy''': Kinda slow, huh?
:'''Joe''': Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe's buddy''': How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
:'''Joe''': I like it swell. Why?
:''[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
:'''Servo [as Joe's buddy]''': Could you staple my ears back?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
:'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] carpenters.
:'''Servo [as Mr. Barnes]''': ''[woodenly]'' We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
:. . .
:''[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
:'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] foundry men.
:'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''Oh, you never would believe where those [[w:Keebler|Keebler]] cookies come from...''
:'''Mr. Barnes''': Tool operators.
:'''Crow''', '''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Tool operator . . . [[w:Smooth Operator|tooooooool operator]] . . .

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends]''
:'''Crow''': This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch [[w: The_Story_of_Menstruation|the ''other'' film]]!

==== The Skydivers (movie) ====
:''[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Suzy''': Is Frankie here?
:'''Beth''': Frankie's not here.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie goes to Hollywood]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Beth''': Would you like some coffee?
:'''Joe Moss''': Coffee?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Joe]''': What is this "coffee"?
:'''Joe Moss''': ''[stiltedly]'' I ''like'' coffee!
:'''Beth''': Well, good!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
:. . .
:''[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': Where ''is'' it, your "coffee"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[[w:Terror in the Sky|Terror at Sea-level]]''.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[giggling]'' More terrifying than ''[[w:Airport '77|Airport '77]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]''
:'''Harry''': What happened?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Beth]''': I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Beth looks on as Harry [played by [[w:Anthony Cardoza|Tony Cardoza]]] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]''
:'''Mike [as Beth]''': Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
:'''Harry''': Bob, you ready?
:'''Bob''': ''[off-camera]'' Sure, Harry!
:''[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
:'''Mike''': ''[sputters unintelligibly]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Someone with [[w:Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder|attention deficit disorder]] edited this film.
: . . .
:''[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]''
:'''Crow''': What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your ''head''?
:'''Mike''': Generic Plane. ''Cheaper'' than other planes.
: . . .
:''[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]''
:'''Crow''': Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for ''you''...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]''
:'''Mike''': Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Suzy]''': I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
:'''Suzy''': Will I see you tomorrow?
:'''Mike [as Harry]''': Uh, you have to ask the editor.
:'''Harry''': ''[monotone]'' No... not tomorrow.
:'''Crow [as Harry]''': I have a headache... tomorrow.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, she's setting up for a [[w:séance|séance]].
:'''Crow''': They're going to invoke the spirit of the [[w:Continuity (fiction)|continuity]] man.
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Harry]''': Dinner isn't ''white'' enough, honey.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Harry''': And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs.
:'''Mike [as Frankie]''': What if I don't bring 'em with me?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bernie''': I feel real ''free'' in that wild blue sky.
:'''Crow [as Bernie]''': Cops can't touch me ''up there''.
:'''Bernie''': ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
:'''Mike [as Bernie]''': Poopin' on people.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]''
:'''Mike''': Seems like they forgot to have things ''happen'' in this movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]''
:'''Crow''': Two zips and we're naked!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]''
:'''Crow''': He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Suzy''': Well, Frankie, are you chicken?
:'''Mike [as Frankie]''': Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]''
:'''Mike''': This isn't ''[[w:The Right Stuff|The Right Stuff]]''; it's just... some ''stuff''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]''
:'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[muttering]'' I see me a hippie. ''[shouting]'' Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]''
:'''Crow''': A stranger comes to town, touches ''nobody's'' life, and leaves.
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Beth]''': Now I can do what I ''really'' want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. [[w:What Color is Your Parachute?|What color ''is'' my parachute?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A guitarist resembles [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]]]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, it's [[w:Amon Göth|Amon Göth]] on guitar! {{hnote|Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]''
:'''Crow [as pilot]''': Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky?

=== The Violent Years ===

==== A Young Man's Fancy (short) ====

:''[Over the opening title]''
:'''Crow''': Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]''
:'''Judy''': Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, evidently.
:'''Mrs. Adams''': Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.
:'''Judy''': Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.
:'''Crow [as Judy]''': Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]
:'''Crow [as Judy]''': There. Now I look like Mom.
:'''Mike [as Judy]''': Thank goodness for my electric dress!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, the electric phone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]''
:'''Judy''': Did he arrive? Man, he's positively ''frantic''!
:'''Servo [as Judy]''': He runs around screaming!
:. . .
:'''Judy''': And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, ''squishy''!
:'''Crow [as the person on the phone]''': Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]''
:'''Mrs. Adams''': There. Nothing to it.
:'''Servo''': AND IT'S QUIET, TOO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]''
:'''Crow''': Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is ''psychotic?''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]
:'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[coughs]'' OH DEAR!
:'''Judy''': Oh, ''me''!
:'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Did I call that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]
:'''Alex''': There we are.
:'''Mike [as Alex]''': God, you're ''dumb''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome|Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Alex''': I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing?
:'''Judy''': Dancing? Oh, Alex, how ''dreamy''!
:'''Crow''': ''[begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the closing credits]''
:'''Servo''': This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd!
:'''Mike''': And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom.

==== The Violent Years (movie) ====

:''[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]''
:'''Mike''': Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: [[w:Ed Wood|Ed Wood]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]''
:'''Mike''': She died like she lived... failing algebra.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]''
:'''Crow''': ''Refuses to Press Charges!''
:'''Servo''': ''Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"''
:'''Mike''': ''Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Police car is searching for the girl gang]''
:'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''You said ''you'' knew where the chase was!''
:'''Crow''' [as a cop]: ''No, you said ''you'' knew where it was!''
:'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''Well, I never!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Judge''': Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...
:'''Mike''': We don't! Can we go?

=== Last of the Wild Horses ===

:''[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
:'''Servo''': I said Coke.
:'''Crow''': I know, I'll have a root beer.
:'''Servo''': All I have is Coke.
:'''Crow''': Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
:'''Servo''': Okay. Huh?
:'''Crow''': Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
:'''Servo''': We are.
:'''Crow''': And a show?
:'''Servo''': No!
:'''Crow''': Then why did you say we're going to a show?
:'''Servo''': Because we are!
:'''Crow''': What show?
:'''Servo''': [[w:Awakenings (film)|''Awakenings'']].
:'''Crow''': That's a movie!
:'''Servo''': I know! ''[sighs]'' Are you going to come with?
:'''Crow''': Come with what?
:'''Servo''': Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
:'''Crow''': Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you ''borrow me'' some money?
:'''Mike''': Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
:'''Crow''': But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
: . . .
:'''Crow''': So what time's dinner?
:'''Servo''': Noon okay?
:'''Crow''': But that's lunch!
:'''Servo''': Lunch, dinner, same thing.
:''[The Mad's light flashes]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
:'''Crow''': Ooh, the blinker!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]''
:'''TV's Frank''': Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, you're getting too big for that!
:'''TV's Frank''': Aw, it's my favorite part!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]''
:'''[[w:TV's Frank|Frank]]''': You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!
:. . .
:''[The credits identify [[w:Albert Glasser|Albert Glasser]] as the film's score composer.]''
:'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Forrester]]''': Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and ''pummels'' you with music!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Storyteller]''': Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
:''[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]''
:'''Riley''': He dropped something. See what it is.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Riley]''': It's a [[w:Plot device|plot device]]. It's very flimsy, so ''be careful''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]''
:'''Mike [as Riley]''': Ooh! [[wikt:needle in a haystack|Found the needle!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:I Fought The Law|I fought the loft and the loft won.]]

=== The Starfighters ===

:''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]''
:'''Crow''': Ah, [[w:Christo|Christo's]] latest installa—oh good.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lyons]''': Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lyons]''': Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]''
:'''Col. Hunt''': Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Maj. Stevens]''': Uh, you have to pay?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]''
:'''Col. Hunt''': Colonel Hunt speaking.
:'''Wikowski''': Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hunt]''': Sarah?
:'''Col. Hunt''': Who's this?
:'''Wikowski''': Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski]''': I sell paneling.
:'''Wikowski''': I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
:'''Col. Hunt''': ''[suddenly smiling]'' Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And his face springs into action!
:'''Col. Hunt''': I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
:'''Wikowski''': Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Wikowski]''': Perhaps dinner...
:'''Wikowski''': We have a bit in common, you see...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski/[[w:Liberace|Liberace]]]''': My brother George...
:'''Wikowski''': You remember flying in the [[w:European Theater of Operations|ETO]] together, 20 years ago?
:'''Col. Hunt''': Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
:'''Wikowski''': Yes, I suppose so.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to Mike, mishearing]'' They were in [[w:Bachman-Turner Overdrive|BTO]]?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I guess...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]''
:'''Crow''': Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
:'''Servo''': It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]!
:'''Mike''': Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
:''[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
:'''Crow''': It landed on [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': ''[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target]'' Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- ''[the missile then blows up the target]'' Oooh!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]''
:'''Mike''': "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
:'''Servo''': It says "Lift Here".
:'''Mike''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike [as Crashed Pilot]''': Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
:'''Servo [as Rescuer]''': You were only here for ten minutes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?
:'''Mike''': Um...
:'''Servo''': Am I right?
:'''Mike''': Yeah. That is correct.

=== The Sinister Urge ===

==== Keeping Clean and Neat (short) ====
:''[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]''
:'''Narrator''': Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
:'''Mike [as Don]''': But that's how they treat me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]''
:'''Narrator''': Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was!
:'''Servo''': [[w:Don Was|Don Was]]? The producer?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]''
:'''Servo [as Henry Higgins]''': [[w:My Fair Lady (film)|Why can't a woman be more like a man?]]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
:'''Crow''': The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]''
:'''Narrator''': Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ''Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!''

==== The Sinister Urge (movie) ====

:''[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She must be one of [[w:Bob Packwood|Senator Packwood]]'s aides.

=== San Francisco International ===

:''[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
:''[The logo fades.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, big friggin' deal!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title ''San Francisco International'' appears on-screen.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' San Francisco International Airport! Where the big [[w:B-actor|b-actors]] roar!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]''
:'''Servo''': ''Terror'' at... uh, sea level.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Katie Barrett]''': Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]''
:'''Mike''': There's a ''New'' Testament in town!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]''
:'''Crow [as Pernell]''': Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses."

=== Kitten with a Whip ===
:''[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] cartoon blare from the TV.]
:'''Mike''': [[w:Carl Stalling|Carl Stalling]]'s in his house!
:''[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]] cartoon ''[[w:Canned Feud|Canned Feud]]''.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, something ''good!''
:'''Servo''': All right!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as David]''': Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]].

=== Racket Girls ===

==== Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) ====

:''[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]''
:'''Crow''': Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]''
:'''Servo''': Visit your government church!
:'''Mike''': First Federal Church, member [[w:Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation|FDIC]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]''
:'''Hall''': When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
:'''Servo [as Larry]''': Oh ''yeah!''
:'''Hall''': ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...''boing!''
:'''Mike [as Larry]''': You saw my boing?
:'''Larry''': How did you know?
:'''Hall''': Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
:'''Crow [as Hall]''': Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
:'''Hall''': For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hall]''': …if one of you is ''cuckoo''…
:''[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]''
:'''Hall''': …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
:''[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]''
:'''Larry''': It's gone!
:'''Sue''': Where'd it go?!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Larry]''': ''We're gonna die!''
:'''Hall''': That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Larry]''': ''BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]''
:'''Crow''':''[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|MARINES, WE ARE ''LEAVING''!]]
:''[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]''
:'''Mike [as Sue]''': Sorry, back in [[w:Da Nang|Da Nang]] there for a minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]''
:'''Sue''': Do we have similar backgrounds?
:'''Mike [as Sue]''': Do we have any priors?
:'''Sue''': Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
:'''Crow [as Sue]''': I worship [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]]!
:'''Sue''': ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
:'''Servo [as Sue]''': You know, God and stuff.
:'''Sue''': Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
:'''Mike [as Sue]''': [[w:Bella Donna (album)|So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.]]

==== Racket Girls (movie) ====

:''[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]''
:'''Crow''': Is there a midway nearby?
: . . .
:'''Mike''': Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
:'''Crow [as usher]''': Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, another sellout crowd.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Scalli''': Hey, Joe!
:'''Servo [as Scalli]''': [[w:Hey Joe|Where you going with that gun in your hand?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[nervously]'' I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]''
:'''Crow''': ''Music?!'' Why ''here?'' Why now? '''''WHY US?!'''''

=== The Sword and the Dragon ===

:''[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]''
:'''Mike [as Ilya]''': Man, she's a fox.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see a large banquet taking place]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as man]''': It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a ''pretty'' man...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as man]''': Sven, no! You mustn't!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]''
:'''Ilya''': Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
:'''Servo [as Ilya]''': Let us the nasty do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]''
:'''Crow''': ''Crows!'' My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
:'''Servo''': ''[doubtfully]'' Uh huh...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]''
:'''Little Falcon''': It is as though in a vision... I see my mother!
:''[He turns to face Ilya]''
:'''Crow [as Little Falcon]''': Mom!

=== High School Big Shot ===

==== Out of This World (short) ====

:''[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]''
:'''Mike''': They're operating under a different theology.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Red is explaining the details of his plan]''
:'''Red''': Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?
:'''Crow [as Red]''': Say I'm starring in ''[[w:Forever Plaid|Forever Plaid]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]''
:'''Mike [as Whitey]''': So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well...

<hr width="50%">
:''[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]''
:'''Bill Dudley''': First of all, take a look. ''[holds up bread]'' A loaf of bread.
:'''Crow [as Dudley]''': ''Eat every piece!''
:. . .
:'''Whitey''': Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
:'''Dudley''': That's exactly the way I feel about it.
:'''Mike [as Dudley]''': ''[miserably]'' I have to. It's all I've got!

<hr width="50%">
:''[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]''
:'''Bill Dudley''': Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
:'''Servo [as Dudley]''': Watch me come on to a grocer.
:. . .
:''[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]''
:'''Dudley''': Hey, something new! ''[pushes cart experimentally]''
:'''Mike [as Dudley]''': Be a shame if this ran over your kid...

<hr width="50%">
:'''Bill Dudley''': You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...
:''[cut to a montage of grocers]''
:'''Mike [as grocer]''': What a moron.
:'''Grocer voiceover''': That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
:'''Servo [as grocer]''': What's he on?
:'''Voiceover''': Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
:'''Crow [as grocer]''': What does he want from me?
:'''Voiceover''': Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
:'''Servo [as Grocer]''': Why can't he leave me alone?
:'''Voiceover''': I like to do business with salesmen like that.
:'''Mike [as Grocer]''': But his bread sucks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this ''[taps head]'' and this. ''[taps inventory book]''
:'''Crow''': A hat and a pad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up.
:'''Mike''': Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know...

==== High School Big Shot (movie) ====

:''[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He has a haunting ugliness.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the opening title]''
:'''Mike''': The Potsie story.

=== Red Zone Cuba ===

==== Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short) ====

:'''Narrator''': The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …after the human nipple.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ...Okay...
:'''Narrator''': ...a doll that never talked.
:'''Mike''': ''[nervously]'' Just do what he says...
:'''Narrator''': Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
:'''Servo''': Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]''
:'''Narrator''': Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Be sure to get a brand-new ''chin''.
:'''Narrator''': ...and your favorite tie.
:'''Servo''': Now you're ready to [[w:The Godfather (film)|rub out Sonny Corleone]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]''
:'''Narrator''': ...You will look poised and dignified.
:'''Mike''': Uh, no you won't.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Don't do this ''during'' the speech.

==== Red Zone Cuba (movie) ====

:''[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Was he ''always'' a hundred years old?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson ([[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]).]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Kid looks like a reporter from the ''Catholic Digest''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]''
:'''Servo''': ''[deep voice]'' John Carradine for [[w:Viceroy (cigarette)|Viceroy.]]
:''[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]''
:'''Crow''': ''[lisping]'' [[w:Sal Mineo|Sal Mineo]] for Viceroy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]''
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in ''The Fugitive!''
:'''Servo [as Curly Howard]''': Hey, Moe!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]''
:: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
:: I got Coleman Francis on my mind.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, I see some [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer players]] down there...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]''
:'''Joe''': Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
:'''Crow, Servo [as Men]''': You shove off!
:'''Joe''': …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
:'''Joe''': At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.
:'''Servo [as Joe]''': Ted, you take Havana.
: . . .
:'''Joe''': We have a man in Cuba that will throw ropes over the cliff at 12 midnight.
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': At 12:15 we're captured!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Griffin (played by [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]]) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]''
:'''Mike [as Cuban Soldier]''': The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]''
:'''Mike''': Ah! I think my ''neck'' got broken in that jump cut!
:'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "''I just don't know!''"
:'''Crow''': I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt ''me''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]''
:'''Mike [as Store Clerk]''': Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons!

=== [[w:Danger!! Death Ray|Danger!! Death Ray]] ===
:''[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
:'''Mike''': There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound [[w:Interstate 94|94]], you might want to take an alternate route.
:. . .
:''[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]''
:'''Mike''': What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest?
:'''Crow''': It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - ''big'' creative dispute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': What country is this taking place in?
:'''Mike''': Europe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]''
:'''Mike''': They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]''
:'''Crow''': (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time.
:''[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]''
:'''Mike''': In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies.
:'''Servo [as watcher]''': Why can't I get the ''Red Shoe Diaries''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They're coming up for more baking soda.
:''[Crow begins snickering.]''
:'''Mike''': Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
:''[Crow snickers again.]''
:'''Servo''': This set is at least three box tops.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[recovering his composure]'' Special effects by... Billy!
: . . .
:''[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]''
:'''Mike''': Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
: . . .
:''[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]''
:'''Sub Captain''': Okay. We can dive.
:'''Servo [as Captain]''': Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
:'''Crow [as Captain]''': Head towards the drain.
:''[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Das Boot|Das Toy Boat]]!
:'''Servo [as Captain]''': Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
:'''Crow''': Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]''
:'''Bart Fargo''': You're the one who knows everything...
:'''Mike [as Fargo]''': Who's God?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]''
:'''Henchman''': We're looking for a man.
:'''Mike [as Henchman]''': Are you him?
:'''Lucille''': My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
:'''Servo [as Henchman]''': I think you know what I ''meant''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]''
:'''Bart Fargo''': You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.
:''[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]''
:'''Servo''': Olé!
:''[Crow giggles.]''
:'''Mike [as Bart]''': And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!
:''[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]''
:'''Servo [as Bart]''': Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
:'''Bart Fargo''': That's too bad.
:'''Crow''': Oh, come on! What about "he really ''fell'' for me"? Or "his hopes have been ''crushed''"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]]!
:'''Crow''': Some little boy is going to be ''very'' upset.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Assassin/Mulwray]''': [[Chinatown (film)#sister-daughter|My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A baccarat game is in progress.]''
:'''Croupier''': Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000.
:'''Crow [as Player]''': It'd better be a damn good bonk.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]''
:'''Servo''': This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there!
:''[beat]''
:'''Servo''': But it's nice.
:'''Mike''': It is nice, yeah.
:''[Crow laughs.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Bart Fargo IS... [[w:Hard To Kill|''Hard to—'' watch]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Bart Fargo. ''Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo...'' Heh, that's hard!

=== The Beast of Yucca Flats ===

==== Money Talks (short) ====

:''[William looks at a [[w:Franklin half dollar|Franklin half-dollar]] he's holding.]''
:'''William''': Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': In those days, that'd buy you a car.
:'''William''': Benjamin Franklin, eh?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as William]''': Bite me, Franklin!
:'''William''': He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
:'''Crow [as William]''': He was the best President we ever had. {{hnote|Benjamin Franklin, although a Founding Father, was never President.}}
: . . .
:''[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]]! {{hnote|Director Alfred Hitchcock's trademark image was a stylized silhouette of his ample girth.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ben Franklin''': You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Franklin]''': …James Joyce.
:'''Ben Franklin''': …something quite unheard of in my day.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fathers?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar]
:'''Mike''': Benjamin Franklin was tried in the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit|Eighth circuit court]] on [[w:stalking|stalking]] charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. {{hnote|A reference to the famous ending of Dragnet}}

==== Progress Island USA (short) ====

:''[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]''
:'''Crow''': Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!

<hr width=50%>
:'''Narrator''': An American Democracy...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Would be really great.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': And very hard to sleep!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move.
:'''Mike''': Hawaii?
:'''Crow''': No, an ''island!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shots of a school are shown.]''
:'''Narrator''': Bilingual schools.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Bisexual students.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh. When did they change the name?
:'''Servo''': A Quinn Martin production.
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[as the music ends]'' PUERTO RICO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': So you might as well just stay where you are.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a Burger King...]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, indigenous cuisine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over quick shots]''
:'''Mike''': With this, and this, and ''that!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]''
:'''Crow''': Here, money is exchanged for coconuts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Students are shown at college.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Latka Gravas|Latka Gravas]] goes to class.
:'''Crow [as Latka]''': Thank you veddy much.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': It's ''[[w:Room 222|Room Dos-Dos-Dos]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Here, we're flying in another trumpet section.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the next piece of background music]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, let's get funky now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Look, just come here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Another piece of background music ends.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': PROGRESS!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]''
:'''Crow''': Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
:'''Mike''': Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
:'''Servo''': Here, [[w:Up With People|Up With People]] get down.
:''[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]''
:''Mike [singing]'': [[w:Achy Breaky Heart|Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart]]] . . .

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': GAMBLING!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.
:'''Servo''': Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]''
:'''Crow''': Hit me!
:'''Narrator''': A band concert under warm, tropical skies.
:'''Crow''': The music of [[w:John Phillips Sousa|John Phillips Salsa]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.
:''[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': A CENTURY AGO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over shots of tropical flowers.]''
:'''Narrator''': Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year.
:'''Mike''': As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of cows grazing.]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Here are some moo cows.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]''
:'''Servo [as worker, drunkenly]''': I love this job!
:'''Narrator''': Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So, drink rum constantly.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of front of [[w:Digital Equipment Corporation|Digital]] building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Why, even aliens from Mars are here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]''
:'''Narrator''': A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology.
:''[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]''
:'''Mike''': Things with blinky buttony-type things.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]''
:'''Crow''': Then KISS came to town!
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff.
:. . .
:''[We see record players being made.]''
:'''Mike''': These'll never go out of style.
:'''Crow''': Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, we'll move there!
:'''Servo''': Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the short's closing screen]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did ''not'' offend.

==== The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) ====

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]''
:'''Mike''': Get off my land, you credits!

<hr width="50%"/>
''[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", [[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]] as the titular beast.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
:'''Mike''': Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a chase scene.]''
:'''Servo''': Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]] way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's ''Beast of Yucca Flats''. A Francis Ford Coppola film.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': These are all just random sentences, folks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Touch a button, things happen.
:'''Mike''': ...Uh, sometimes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Rootie patootie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': His limericks aren't very good...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Vacation time.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So... goodbye.
:'''Narrator''': People travel east, west... north or south.
:'''Servo''': And some people just burrow straight down, I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of the mountain...]''
:'''Narrator''': To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Or a giant pogo stick.
:'''Narrator''': Jump from a plane, land at the top.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Jaworski, [[w:Ron Jaworski|Ron Jaworski]]. Played quarterback for the Eagles.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man is chased by a light plane.]''
:'''Servo''': Ahh, bit of a ''ripoff?''
:'''Mike''': Coleman steals from [[w:North by Northwest|''only'' the best!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': A man murdered, a woman's purse.
:'''Servo''': A thin plot, endlessly restated.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': [[w:Eleanor Rigby|Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as the Beast]''': Why, ''why'' can't I get a baked potato before five in this town?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury.
:'''Mike [as the Beast]''': Ah, fudge!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
:'''Narrator''': Noted scientist.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Family man, and your candidate for city council!
:''[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]''
:'''Mike''': So? What ''about'' him?!

=== Angels Revenge ===

:''[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]''
:'''Michelle''': We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.
:''[Terry sticks her thumb up.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Terry]''': Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!
:''[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Maria]''': Hah-hah! It's anonymous!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]''
:'''Servo''': Okay, sound by [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], fine.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow:''' That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in [[w:Blaxploitation|Blaxploitation]]-esque outfits.]''
:'''Crow''': I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, you're giving away the plot!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]''
:'''Farrell''': Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.
:'''Servo [as Farrell]''': He's our only customer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Diner]''': How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''April''': Women ''can'' make a difference.
:'''Crow''': Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The musical score apes ''[[w:Also sprach Zarathustra (Richard Strauss)|Also sprach Zarathustra]]'' as the Angels' combat van appears.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Vaguely Strauss, ''but notttt!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Terry''': I've got an idea.
:''[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]''
:'''Servo''': What a great idea!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]''
:'''Crow''': It's the [[w:T & A|T & A]]-[[w:The A-Team|Team]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]''
:'''Mike''': Right now, [[w:Benny Hill|Benny Hill]] is smiling down from heaven.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]''
:'''Crow''': It's [[w:Andrea Dworkin|Dworkin]]fest '78!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell ([[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]).]''
:'''Crow [as Farrell/Palance]''': Oh, no! He saw ''[[w:City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold|City Slickers II]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]''
:'''Farrell''': May I speak to you for a moment please?
:'''Crow [as Farrell]''': 'It's about my report card.
:'''April''': Yes? What can I do for you?
:'''Servo [as Farrell]''': What's this "Incomplete" crap?
:. . .
:'''Farrell''': I'd like to talk to you about my nephew, he's ah... he's in a little trouble. You're his teacher, I understand.
:'''April''': Well sure, I have a minute. What's his name?
:'''Farrell''': ''[Finally close enough, drops the act.]'' You broads really think that you can get away with this.
:'''Crow [as April]''': Well that's a weird name!

=== The Amazing Transparent Man ===

==== The Days of Our Years (short) ====

:''[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': So, we have 70 days in each year?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Reverend''': Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there.
:'''Crow''': Oh, sure— HUH?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]''
:'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': ''[guiltily]'' I didn't hate accidents enough...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]''
:'''Mike [as Reflection]''': ''[gravelly voice]'' Come over to this side!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Reflection]''': ''[eerily]'' Obey the toaster!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[on Joe's fiance Helen]'' She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".
:'''Mike''': So his name is Joe Joe?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]''
:'''Narrator''': She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
:'''Crow''': Speaking of accidents...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ''[noticing a theme]'' So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[during funeral sequence]'' Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[curtly]'' ...because he's DUMB!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]''
:'''[[w: Tom Servo|Tom]] [as George]''': Boring!
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as George]''': ''[as he shuts the curtains]'' There, my problem went away.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[on the frailty of time]'' A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...
:'''Mike''': A disastrous one would be cool to watch!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]''
:'''Crow [as director]''': Hey, we're tryin' to film here!

==== The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) ====

:'''Crow''': [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]] in ''[[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the music]''
::He's amazing and amusing,
::he's delicious and nutritious,
::two for breakfast, one for...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Krenner''': Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.
:'''Mike [as Dr. Ulof]''': You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]''
:'''Servo''': If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as Dr. Ulof]''': Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.
:. . .
:''[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]''
:'''Crow''': Kind of an abstract sculpture of [[w:Jayne Mansfield|Jayne Mansfield]].
:. . .
:''[Ulof inserts a [[w:Dremel|Dremel]]-like device between the two globes.]
:'''Mike''': I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': All this just to get a UHF station?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, he's with the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Krenner''': Keep your eye on the guinea pig.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Keep your ''eyeeeee'' on the ''guinea pig!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.]
:'''Mike [as Faust]''': I'll be right back right after this.

=== Samson vs. the Vampire Women ===
:'''Crow''': Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the [[w:Cher|Cher]] jokes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Rebecca (novel)|Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]''
:'''Crow [as Owl]''': ¡Qui! ¡Qui! {{hnote|Apparently meant to be Spanish for 'Who! Who!', a word-play on the English for owl hooting in this Mexican film — except that '¡Quien!' is the correct word - 'Qui!' is French.}}
: . . .
:''[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]''
:'''Crow''': Let the Cher jokes...begin.
:'''Servo''': Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]''
:'''Servo''': Another successful [[w:José Eber|José Eber]] makeover.
:'''Crow [as Tandra]''': I'm pretty, so I have value now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Diana plays the [[w:Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)|"Moonlight" Sonata]], four bats hover outside her window.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, the woodland creatures ''love'' her music!
:'''Crow''': I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
:'''Servo''': The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
:'''Crow [as Bat]''': I don't know how long I can keep this up!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]''
:'''Crow [as Woman]''': We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! {{hnote|This movie was one of over 50 Mexican wrestling films starring El Santo (aka Samson).}}
:'''Servo''': Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[trying to stifle a laugh]'' ''Pfft''HA'''''HA!!!'''''
:'''Samson''': I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
:'''Servo [as Samson]''': I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?

== Season 7 ==

=== Night of the Bloodbeast ===

==== Once Upon a Honeymoon (short) ====

:''[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, how many times [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] and [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] had sex!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The_Producers_(1968_film)|Springtime for Hitler and Germany]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]''
:'''Crow [as [[w:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]]]''': Lucy, I'm dead!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a wide shot of the living room]''
:'''Mike''': They live in a doll house!
:'''Crow''': You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]''
:'''Mike [as Jeff]''': What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
:'''Servo''': One of 32 short films about... this guy.
:'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
:'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
:''[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] came over to help.
:'''Mary''': No inspiration, darling?
:'''Jeff''': I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
:'''Crow [as Mary]''': Why would you wanna write him?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a castle in the sky...
:'''Mike''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, well, wish in one hand and ''crap'' in the other and see which one piles up first!
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wish I could have sex with [[w:Louis Nye|Louis Nye]]...
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...
:'''Crow [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wouldn't have to dress like [[w:Tipper Gore|Tipper Gore]]...
:. . .
:''[Wilbur, Jeff and Mary's marriage guardian angel, sprinkles "Miracle Dust" onto Mary.]''
:'''Mary''': I wish...
:''[Beat for one second]''
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'': I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...
:'''Crow''': AIM HIGH, SISTER!
:''[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]''
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
:'''Mike [as the fridge]''': Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
:'''Crow [as announcer]''': Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
:'''Crow''': ''[in a Australian accent]'' Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!
:. . .
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish my living room were all redone...
:'''Mike [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Citizen Kane|I think owning a newspaper would be fun]]...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]''
:'''Mike''': Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]''
:'''Mike''': That's about as sexy as a garage.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Here's how far I've gotten: '''LA'''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Male Neighbor]''': Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Female Neighbor]''': Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Money (Pink Floyd song)|Money]]...
:'''Jeff''': Wait a minute, do that again!
:'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
:'''Servo [as Jeff]''': I'll call someone to write the song!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing along]'' Everybody was... [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|kung fu fighting]], yeah!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]''
:'''Crow''': Welcome to Shakey's!
:''[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[gasps]'' Elton John was here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This would make a great companion movie with ''[[w:Eraserhead|Eraserhead]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends]''
:'''Mike [as announcer]''': The following scene contains graphic sexual content.
:'''Servo''': Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?

==== Night of the Blood Beast (movie) ====

:''[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[w:John F. Kennedy|JFK]]]''': [[w:Apollo program#Background|Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County]].
:'''Servo''': It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]''
:'''Dr. Wyman''': No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Wyman]''': Well, let's give him more time to die.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Wyman''': I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long.
:'''Mike [as Wyman]''': And I love it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]''
:'''Dave''': Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute?
:'''Tom Servo [as Donna]''': Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!
:'''Mike [as Dave]''': I could have done ''that''...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dave hears something.]''
:'''Dave''': Steve?
:'''Mike''': ''Not everyone is Steve!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]''
:'''Crow [as Donna]''': Um, have you guys seen my brush?
:'''Donna''': Steve.
:'''Mike [as Julie]''': Yes?
:'''Tom Servo [as Dr. Wyman]''': Yes?
:'''Crow [as Steve]''': Yes?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]''
:'''Tom Servo''': And the Steves are there!
:'''Crow''': Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh god... I'm pregnant!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]''
:'''Mike [as Dr. Wyman]''': What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]''
:'''Crow''': This is still a better movie than ''[[w:Junior (film)|Junior]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]''
:'''Donna''': Here's something to complicate things even more.
:'''Crow''': I took these upside down!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Steve enters in from the lab.]''
:'''Steve''': They're gone.
:'''Crow [as Steve]''': My brownies are gone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Hard to trust somebody not named Steve.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]''
:'''Crow''': Carry me.
:'''Tom Servo''': Shut up.
:'''Crow''': Carry me!
:'''Tom Servo''': Shut up.
:'''Crow''': CARRY ME!
:'''Tom Servo''': Shut up!
:'''Crow''': Unnnnnnh...

=== The Brute Man ===

==== The Chicken of Tomorrow (short) ====

:''[Over the short's title screen.]''
:'''Crow''': The [[w:Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton]] Story!
:'''Servo''': The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a dedication in the opening credits]
:'''Crow''': Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war.
:'''Mike''': Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate.
:'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' No, it isn't.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]''
:'''Servo [as chicken]''': Betty, must you sit ''in'' dinner?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And one large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on.
:'''Servo''': There it is! No wait, there!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine!
:'''Narrator''': Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': ''[muffled]'' I'm in the incubator now...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]''
:'''Mike [as egg]''': Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
:'''Servo [as egg]''': No, stay in there.
:'''Mike [as egg]''': Oh, come on. Can I go home?
:'''Servo [as egg]''': No, the door's locked!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': I've seen [[w:List of I Love Lucy episodes#Season 2|the episode]] where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]''
:'''Narrator''': The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And this fellow.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': This one unit holds 85,000 eggs.
:'''Servo''': And one bathroom for all of them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]''
:'''Mike''': This is gonna be hot, hot, hot!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Mork calling Orson...
:'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': That is one bloodshot eye.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' How dry I am— ''[hiccups]''
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The Partridge Family|Come on down and meet everybod]]— Oh, sorry.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there?
:. . .
:'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Oh, what did I do last night?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hey guys, it's God!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, for ''pervs''!
:''[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]''
:'''Crow [as farmer]''': Whoa, [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] there...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]''
:'''Crow [as worker]''': Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids.
:''[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]''
:'''Mike [as baby chick]''': It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral.
:'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group!
:'''Mike''': 40 piece chicken nuggets to go!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': But wait a minute, you may be saying...
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Why am I watching this?
:'''Narrator''': Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three?
:'''Servo''': You bet!
:'''Narrator''': Indeed they can!
:'''Servo''': ''[surprised]'' ...Heh, I was right!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]''
:'''Narrator''': Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I said, "Speed is '''ESSENTIAL'''"!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]''
:'''Mike''': That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken!
:''[the next scene fades in]''
:'''Crow''': Chickens!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]''
:'''Mike [as girl]''': How many are ''you'' sitting on?
:'''Crow [as girl]''': Dad went a little nuts this Easter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator...
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Broadway!
:'''Narrator''': ...is the brooder house.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Designed by [[w:Frank Lloyd Wright|Frank Lloyd Wright]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Eat and grow forever...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]''
:'''Narrator''': After the first few days, the paper can be removed.
:'''Crow''': Except for the sports section.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than a hundred birds.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or migrant workers.
:'''Narrator''': The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents.
:''[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]''
:'''Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]''': RODENTS?! '''''AAAAHHH!!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of chickens eating]''
:'''Servo [as chicken]''': Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight.
:'''Crow [as chicken]''': Does this taste funny to you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]''
:'''Narrator''': You know how chickens are.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, they own everything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Remember the old henhouse?
:'''Servo''': The one with the ''rats''?
:'''Narrator''': It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel.
:'''Mike''': Rooms by the hour.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]''
:'''Crow [as chicken]''': Open your hymnals to number 325.
:. . .
:'''Tom [as chicken]''': Everybody! [[w:Soylent Green|Soylent Green]] is made from chickens!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]''
:'''Mike''': There's no point; it's just funny!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]''
:'''Narrator''': A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': She will live.
:'''Narrator''': Keep that one.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': She's worth millions.
:'''Narrator''': But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table.
:'''Servo''': Or put a warning slip on her desk.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Stop throwing them at my car!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': So put your mouth under a chicken.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]''
:'''Narrator''': When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work.
:'''Servo [as chicken]''': Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]''
:'''Crow [as worker]''': There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]''
:'''Mike''': Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]''
:'''Mike''': It's Goofus and Gallant.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]''
:'''Crow T. Robot''': May I have a piece of my own white meat please?
: . . .
:''[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced ''very'' thinly]''
:'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, thanks for the generous portion!
: . . .
:'''Crow''': Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron.
:'''Servo''': These must be models' portions.
:'''Mike [as server]''': This one's for you, [[w:Kate Moss|Miss Moss]], and for you, [[w:Christy Turlington|Miss Turlington]]...
: . . .
:'''Crow''': ''[in Ritzy accent]'' Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! (You can carry it in your wallet.)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market.
:''[The next scene fades in]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We bring you now to market.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]''
:'''Servo''': Ah. He's drunk! Look at him.
:. . .
:''[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Put your hand up. Buy a chicken.
:'''Mike''': ''[raises his hand]'' I want one...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': [[Dirty Harry|Alright, come on, sing, sing! ''Row, row, row''— you're not singing!]]
:'''Narrator''': Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant.
:'''Crow''': Dressing plant? Sounds like fun.
:'''Servo''': I want a new hat.
:''[Shot of a gas station]''
:'''Narrator''': One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market.
:'''Mike''': Even to the Texaco station.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]''
:'''Crow''': There's no driver! The chickens are taking over!

==== The Brute Man (movie) ====

:''["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffett]''': Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]''
:'''Crow [as Cop]''': ''[with exaggerated Irish accent]'' All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]''
:'''Mike [as Moffet]''': They forgot my [[w:Fruit Brute|Fruit Brute]] cereal!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout]'' Hey, it's [[w:WUCW|KTMA]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Helen''': Hal? Hal? Hal?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Helen]''': [[2001: A Space Odyssey|Open the pod bay doors, Hal.]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]''
:'''Crow''': Hey fella, why the long face?
:'''Mike''': Now, come on...
:'''Crow''': ''[laughing]'' I'm sorry, I couldn't...
:'''Mike''': I begged you not to do that!
:'''Crow''': I know...
:'''Servo''': That hurts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker...
:'''Crow''': In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]''
:'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing.
:''[Mike and Servo both crack up.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ''[annoyed]'' Why didn't they just call this movie ''The Creeper''? ''Brute Man'', pah...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, [[w:Don't_Fear_The_Reaper|don't fear the creeper]].

=== Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell ===

:''[Over the title screen]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, where's the [[w:umlaut|umlaut]]?
:'''Servo''': Oh, these guys are, like, warriors ''from Hell!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]''
:'''Crow''': Let's see how long THESE accents last!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]''
:'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': We're taking it to the streets!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]''
:'''Crow''': Well, it looks like I'm [[wikt:masturbate|boxing the clown]] again tonight!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.]
:'''Servo [as warrior]''': Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh...
:''[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]''
:'''Crow''': Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Troxartis''': ''[haltingly, overacting]'' This has. Nothingtodowith. Being ''RICH''.
:'''Servo [as Troxartis]''': I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking ''WITH'' them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]''
:'''Crow''': You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound.
:''[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]''
:'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': I just heard an eagle meow!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]''
:'''Khorsa''': You sleep in the barn!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Deathstalker]''': This ''isn't'' the barn?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as Khorsa]''': ''[addressing the Warriors from Hell]'' Excuse me, Mr. Moose?
:'''Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]''': We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|We're the knights of the round table!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh no, he made a saddle out of [[w:Grover|Grover]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]''
:'''Mike''': This movie is like playing [[w:Doom (video game)|Doom]] when there's no monsters or opponents.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Deathstalker''': ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee O-dee|Spo-dee o-dee]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]''
:'''Mike [as attacker]''': Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
:'''Crow [as attacker]''': Who ''are'' we?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]''
:'''Mike''': What the— Uh? Th— Oh... ''[as Troxartis]'' You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]''
:'''Marinda''': I love you!
:'''Servo''': Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Marinda]''': You were my first... tuber.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]''
:'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': She came from somewhere back in your long ago.
:'''Mike [as Deathstalker]''': Look, just shut up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''' ''[as army]:'' We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]''
:'''Crow''': Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
: . . .
:''[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]''
:'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
: . . .
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. {{hnote|Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: ''Ore-Ida is all-righta!''}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]''
:'''Mike [as the man]''': [[Chinatown (film)|Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]''
:'''Mike [as a member of the crowd]''': He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over!

=== The Incredible Melting Man ===

:''[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]''
:'''Crow''': Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
:'''Mike''': I was born on a pile of... Hey!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[chuckling]'' "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the movie's title screen]''
:'''Mike''': The [[w:George Hamilton (actor)|George Hamilton]] Story.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]''
:'''Crow''': Boy, they got to Saturn fast!
:'''Mike''': It's all freeways now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Astronaut''': I.M.U., ready to launch.
:'''Crow''': You are ''not'' me, stop saying that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]''
:'''Loring''': How many weeks is she?
:'''Ted Nelson''': Fourteen.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Loring]''': A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?
:. . .
:''[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]''
:'''Servo [as Loring]''': So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]''
:'''General Perry''': How's it looking?
:'''Ted Nelson''': Not too good.
:'''Servo [as Nelson]''': ''[whispering]'' There's a black guy in my office!
:. . .
:''[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]''
:'''General Perry''': About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]''
:'''Ted Nelson''': ''AADGKA!''
:'''Servo''': Ah, aadgka, of course.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]''
:'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''[sulkily]'' General wants to go find the ''aadgjka'' melting man.
:'''Ted Nelson''': Steve escaped.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Oh God.
:'''Mike [as Judy]''': Aadgka?
:'''Judy Nelson''': What're you gonna do?
:'''Crow [as Ted]''': Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.{{hnote|Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny.}}
:'''Ted Nelson''': Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
:'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[annoyed with herself]'' Aadgka.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
:''[She brings over his soup.]''
:'''Mike''': Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
:''[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]''
:'''Ted Nelson''': ''[ignoring the question]'' So, we don't have any crackers?
:'''Judy Nelson''': Ted. Steve?
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Raging Bull|Raging Bull]]''.
:'''Ted Nelson''': Steve?
:'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''Steve'' had crackers!
:'''Ted Nelson''': I've got to go out and find Steve.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Why you?
:'''Ted Nelson''': Because nobody else is supposed to know.
:'''Crow [as Ted]''': Rye crisps, Sociables, ''anything?!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]''
:'''Mike''': This man is a brilliant tactician.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]''
:'''Mike''': Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': You guys know, is there a ''credible'' melting man?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]''
:'''Servo''': What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
:'''Mike''': Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[almost cracking up]'' So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]''
:'''Mike''': So, they learned nothing.
:'''Servo''': Yep.
:'''Crow''': Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
:'''Servo''': I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
:'''Mike''': ''[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning]'' I learned never to name a child "Burr".
:'''Crow''': Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
:'''Mike''': Very good.
:'''Crow''': I kill me.
:'''Servo''': Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
:'''Mike''': I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make ''very tepid'' ironic statements.
:'''Crow''': We learned it's good to have [[w:Saltines|Saltines]] around your house.
:'''Servo''': I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
:''[Mike notices a credit for [[w:Jonathan Demme|Jonathan Demme]] on the screen.]''
:'''Mike''': ''Jonathan Demme?!'' Ah, who cares. Anyway?
:'''Servo''': Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
:'''Crow''': And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
:'''Servo''': What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
:'''Mike''': Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
:'''Servo''': Good lesson.
:'''Crow''': Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
:'''Servo''': Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
:'''Mike''': I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
:'''Servo''': Aadgka!
:'''Crow''': I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
:'''Servo''': Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
:'''Mike''': And neither are actors.
:'''Servo''': Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
:''[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]''
:'''Crow''': Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like ''[[w:Berlin Alexanderplatz (television)|Berlin Alexanderplatz]]''.
:'''Servo''': I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
:'''Mike''': ''[sitting down]'' Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
:'''Crow''': I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
:'''Servo''': Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. [[w:Johnny Carson|I did not know that.]]
:'''Mike''': We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
:'''Crow''': Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, [[w:Rick Baker (makeup artist)|people]] can ''abuse'' spirit gum and latex.
:'''Mike''': Oh, I hear ya.

=== Escape 2000 ===

:''[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, why is John Madden signing [[w:Samuel Goldwyn|Samuel Goldwyn's]] signature?
:'''Crow''': Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film starts, squads of [[w:Stormtrooper|Stormtrooper]]-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
:'''Loudspeaker''': You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
:''[A man is thrown out a window]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Man]''': ''I forgot my luggage...!''
:'''Loudspeaker''': This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
:''[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': ''Okay, you convinced me!''
:'''Loudspeaker''': You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
:''[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[snickers]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mmm-hmm.
:'''Loudspeaker''': Leave the Bronx!
:'''Servo [as Loudspeaker]''': Even though this is [[w:Cinema of Italy|Italy]], leave the Bronx!
:'''Loudspeaker''': I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
:'''Mike [as Loudspeaker]''': You, too, [[w:Henry Silva|Henry Silva]].
:'''Loudspeaker''': The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
:'''Crow [as Loudspeaker]''': Therefore, we suggest you—
:'''All [as Loudspeaker]''': Leave the Bronx!
:'''Loudspeaker''': ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
:'''Servo''': So leave the Bronx.
:'''Mike''': Just leave the Bronx.
:''[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]''
:'''Servo [as loudspeaker on van]''': Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Loudspeaker''': Isolate area P-6.
:'''Crow''': And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]''
:'''Crow [as Trooper]''': ''[terrified]'' Gary saw a [[w:silverfish|silverfish]]! Aaaahh!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]''
:'''Servo [as Stormtrooper]''': Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]''
:'''Crow [as Disinfester]''': I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's ''left the Bronx'', Ted.
:'''Servo''': Pretty much.
:'''Mike''': We gratefully acknowledge the [[w:Aluminium foil|Reynold's Wrap]] corporation for donating the costumes.
:''[They come across a homeless man]''
:'''Mike [as Bum]''': Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
:''[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
:'''Crow [as Bum]''': I thought it was a suggestion!
:''[The troopers close in on him]''
:'''Servo''': When [[w:Habitat for Humanity International|Habitat for Humanity]] ''cracks down''!
:'''Bum''': Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
:'''Disinfester''': You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
:'''Mike''': Wow, the [[w:Orkin|Orkin Men]] have snapped!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]''
:'''Servo''': They're rehearsing a [[w:David Mamet|David Mamet]] play in there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]''
:'''Crow''': A [[w:Mussolini|fascist Italian]]? Come on!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Moon Grey''': ''[being dragged from a press conference]'' ...and the GC Corporation sucks!
:''[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]''
:'''Mike [as Reporter]''': Is that true? Do you suck?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]''
:'''Crow''': ''[chuckles]'' I think they blew their cover here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]''
:'''Crow [as Trash]''': D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]''
:'''Servo''': Ah. The [[w:Sword of Damocles|ladder of Damocles]].
:'''Crow''': Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''President Clark''': So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
:'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. They're both... under... '' [points at random place in Bronx model] ''...there!'' [points somewhere else]'' ...or maybe there!
:'''Servo''': ...right there!
:'''Wrangler''': But somewhere there!
:''[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]''
:'''President Clark''': Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
:'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so.
:'''Crow''': You guys didn't rehearse, did you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]''
:'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': Oh what did you step in!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]''
:'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Hi! Kill us!
:''[They get shot.]''
:'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Thank you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Trash blows up a van]''
:'''Mike [as DJ]''': Alright, we're here in the [[w:KROQ|KROQ]] Supervan giving out a— ''[The van explodes. Crow screams.]''
:'''Servo [as Trash]''': Hey, rats. That was my van!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]''
:'''Mike''': Cleanup in Borough Five!

=== Laserblast ===

:''[The credits display: "Laserblast".]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''Terrible'' name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elmer Fudd]''': I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.
:. . .
:''[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Edward Scissorhands|Edward CDplayerhands]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]''
:'''Mike''': Well, now on to movie ''three!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]''
:'''Servo''': So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]''
:'''Billy''': Pow! Pa-pow!
:'''Servo''': After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
:'''Mike''': Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
:''[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]''
:'''Servo''': I think he's doing [[w:Frampton Comes Alive!|''Frampton Comes Alive'']].
:'''Mike''': ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
:'''Crow''': Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "''fffwissshh''"!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Billy]''': Yeah... I think you ''are'' gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]''
:'''Mike''': ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone.
:'''Servo''': There's a point where it stops being a movie!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kathy''': Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary.
:'''Mike''': ''More'' ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]''
:'''Crow''': Teens love their ''cake'' pool party!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]''
:'''Chuck''': Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give ''you'' his red hot frank.
:'''Girl''': From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
:'''Crow [as Chuck]''': She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
: . . .
:''[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]''
:'''Mike [as Chuck]''': There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]''
:'''Crow''': This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of ''[[w:Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide|Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide]]''.]
:'''Mike''': OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, ''[[w:My Favorite Year|My Favorite Year]]'' barely edges it out with three stars.
:'''Crow''': Huh.
:'''Servo''': Look here, ''[[w:Hannah and her Sisters|Hannah and her Sisters]]'' is superior only by one star.
:'''Mike''': Oh wow.
:'''Crow''': ''[watching the film]'' Oh great, now a tire fire starts ''just'' off camera!
:''[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]''
:'''Mike''': OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to ''[[w:My Dinner With Andre|My Dinner With Andre]]''.
:'''Crow''': Uhh—
:'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' ''[[w:The Name of the Rose (film)|Name of the Rose]]''... this is a better film than ''Name of the Rose!'' It only got two stars!
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Being There|Being There]]'', two stars.
:'''Mike''': Uh, ''[[w:Lucas Tanner|Lucas Tanner]]'' the movie was directed by [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]]... I just thought I'd point that out.
:'''Servo''': Oh. Good.
:'''Mike''': Lemme see here...
:'''Crow''': ''[reading the credits]'' Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] and [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]] get billing ''over'' [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]]?
:'''Servo''': Look Mike, ''[[w:Birdman of Alcatraz (film)|Birdman of Alcatraz]]'', three stars. ''Marginally'' better than ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': ''[still reading the credits]'' They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
:'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' What else you got?
:'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', three stars.
:'''Crow''': Hm?
:'''Servo''': Shame, isn't it.
:'''Mike''': Oh, hey, ''[[w:The Seven Samurai|Seven Samurai]]'', two stars.
:'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' ''What?!''
:'''Mike''': I'm kidding.
:'''Crow''': Oh.
:'''Servo''': I hope so.
:'''Mike''': According to this, ''[[w:A Fish Called Wanda|A Fish Called Wanda]]'' was as good a film as ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': ''[dismissive]'' D'oh...
:'''Servo''': ''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'', ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'', three stars—''barely'' superior to ''Laserblast''.
:'''Mike''': Mm-hm.
:'''Crow''': Same for ''[[w:Diner (film)|Diner]]''.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom|Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]''.
:'''Crow''': Well, ''that's'' possible...
:'''Servo''': And the same caliber as ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Last Crusade]]''—two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': Oh. And, uh, and yet: ''Blame It On the Bellboy''... four stars.
:'''Servo''': ''[unbelieving]'' ''Where?''
:'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' What?
:'''Mike''': No, I'm kidding.
:'''Servo''': Oh, you... You... jeez...
:'''Mike''': So, [[w:Kim Milford|Kim Milford]]'s greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]]'s tortured performance as Salieri in ''[[w:Amadeus (film)|Amadeus]]''.
:'''Crow''': According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
:'''Servo''': ''[[w:Bagdad Café|Bagdad Café]]'', brilliant subtle comedy—no better than ''Laserblast''.
:'''Mike''': Here's where it gets hard—''[[w:Harry and the Hendersons|Harry and the Hendersons]]'' is every bit as good as ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': [[w:Carson McCullers|Carson McCullers]]' classic ''[[w:The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (film)|The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]''—no better than ''Laserblast''.
:''[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[reluctant]'' No, no—
:'''Servo''': Uhp, [[w:John Schlesinger|John Schlesinger]]'s [[w:Academy Award|Oscar]]-winning thriller ''[[w:Marathon Man|Marathon Man]]''—on par with ''Laserblast'', two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': Right, so [[w:Laurence Olivier|Laurence Olivier]]'s chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, ''no better'' than the butt-faced sheriff in ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
:'''Mike''': OK, ah—
:'''Servo''': Ah, look here, look here, ''[[w:The Outlaw Josey Wales|Outlaw Josey Wales]]'' AND ''[[w:Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]''! Oscar-winner. ''Quintessential'' Westerns, [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] at his ''finest''. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
:'''Mike''': Uh, yeah...
:'''Servo''', '''Mike''': Same as ''Laserblast''—
:'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. ''[[w:Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]''—
:'''Servo''': Uh huh.
:'''Mike''': Uh... here's one, ''[[w:Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]''—
:'''Servo''': No!
:'''Mike''': ''[[w:The Great Santini|The Great Santini]]''—
:'''Servo''': Oh, I can't believe that!
:'''Mike''': ''All'' two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': The same quality.
:'''Crow''': Also known as "Ace", by the way.
:'''Mike''': Yes, "Ace".
:'''Servo''': ''[as they leave]'' Peers to ''Laserblast''.

== Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (This Island Earth) ==

:''[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.]''
:'''Gypsy''': Mornin', Mike!
:'''Mike''': ''[exhausted]'' Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? ''[drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]''
:'''Gypsy''': Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven.
:'''Mike''': ''[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face]'' And sweet yams?
:'''Gypsy''': Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! ''[Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk]'' Here's a hard-copy! ''[gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading]'' The [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] lost again.
:'''Servo''': ''[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches]'' Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm?
:'''Mike''': No, Tom. Everything appears nominal.
:'''Servo''': Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be?
:'''Mike''': ''[listens to the sound/noise]'' Yeah, what is that?
:'''Servo''': Yeah, ''what is that'', hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is ''not'' something you should be hearing. Something's ''causing'' this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
:'''Mike''': Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
:'''Servo''': ''Where's Crow?'' Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand!
:'''Mike''': ''[Turning to Gypsy, alerted]'' Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him!
:'''Gypsy''': Roger! ''[familiar ''Commercial Sign'' alarm is active]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance ''basement'' bay, inevitably making yet ''another'' escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing [[w:It's a Long Way to Tipperary|It's a Long Way to Tipperary]]]'' It's a ''long way'' to ''tipperary''... ''[*Thunk!*]'' To the ''sweetest'' girl I ''know''...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' Goodbye to [[w:Noah Beery|Noah ''Beery'']]... ''[*Thunk!*]'' Hello [[w:Harold Lloyd|Harold ''LLOOOOOOYD'']]...! ''[*Thunk!*]''
:'''Mike''': ''[O.S.]'' Crow!
:'''Crow''': Huh?
:'''Mike''': Crow, listen, you gotta stop!
:'''Crow''': Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! ''[*Thunk!*]
:'''Servo''': ''[hovering down]'' Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space!
:'''Crow''': Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! ''[*Thunk!*]'' ''[continues singing]''
:'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushes to Crow]'' Crow, no! You'll breach the hull!
:''[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life]'' WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!
:'''Crow''': Woah, I didn't expect ''this''!
:'''Servo''': Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... ''Stabilize''! There, that should do it— ''[gets sucked towards hole]'' WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
:''[Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]''
:'''Crow''': Wow, this ''is'' confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations?
:''[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]''
:'''Crow''': Thank you! Wow, look at that: ''"Breach Hull - All Die"''! Even had it underlined! Hah!
:''[Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! ''[*Sproing!*]'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
:''[Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]''
:'''Mike''': SERVO!
:''[Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[impressed and satisfied]'' Attaboy, Servo!
:'''Crow''': I won't do ''that'' again!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether ''new'' to me, and frankly... I ''LOVE'' IT!
:'''Mike''': Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts.
:'''Crow''': Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway.
:'''Mike''': Now, here you go. ''[pulls Tom off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]''
:'''Servo''': ''[upsettingly]'' Aw, darn!
:''[*Ding! Ding! DING! ''DING!''*]''
:'''Gypsy''': It's time! Dr. F is calling for you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]''
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah! Mike! ''Robots!'' I'm feeling particularly ''evil'', because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called ''This Island Earth!'' You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently!
:'''Mike''': Uh, sure, we have! Last week!
:'''Dr. Forrester''': No, no, no. I think that was more of a ''curtsy'' of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... ''NOW?'' ''[cuts off life support systems]''
:'''Mike''': Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— ''[starts choking]''
:''[Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]''
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[panicking]'' Bowing, sir!
:'''Tom''': ''[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]''
:''[Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]''
:'''Mike''': Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez!
:'''Crow''': What a dickweed!
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go?
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[dejected]'' Yes...
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know...
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': You won't...
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Then, prepare yourself for ''[[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]!'' ''[pulls a lever]''
:''[*''Movie Sign'' Alarm*]''
:'''Mike''': Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN!
:''[Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous ''Countdown Door Hallway'' that leads to the auditorium.]''

==== This Island Earth (movie) ====

:''[Universal-International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[as they enter]'' It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
:'''Mike''': Notice how [[w:Big in Japan (phrase)|big Japan]] is?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Universal-International credit appears on screen]''
:'''Mike''': Isn't the fact that it's Universal ''make'' it International?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]''
:'''Servo''': This Island Earth can be yours if [[w:The Price is Right|The Price is Right]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[during the opening credits]''
:'''Crow''': Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
:'''Servo''': Hey, there's [[w:Taurus (constellation)|Taurus the bull]]!
:'''Mike''': And over there's the Constellation Feces.
:'''Crow''': Oh, look. [[w:Orion Pictures|Orion]] is bankrupt.
:'''Servo''': Shatner, Shatner, Shatner... OK he is not there were safe!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...
:''[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]''
:'''Servo''': ...oh.
:'''Crow''': ''[as golf announcer]'' It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.
:'''Mike''': Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey! You can see the [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] losing!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh jeez, there's [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer teams laying all over the place!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
:'''Servo''': Early [[w:LSD|LSD]] tests in the Air Force.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe running towards the Jeep]''
:'''Crow''': Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
:'''Dr. Meacham''': Lowering the cylinder.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Inserting the breakfast pastry.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ''[darkly]'' The secret government Eggo project.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Contact [[w:Aunt Jemima|Dr. Jemima]]!
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': God, I love the blueberry ones best.
:''[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]''
:'''Dr. Meacham''': Increase the rate of reaction.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Start warming the syrup!
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Yum!
:''[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]''
:'''Dr. Meacham''': Check rate of radioactive decay.
:'''Crow [as Meacham]''': Increase the [[w:Flash Gordon|Flash Gordon]] noises and put more science stuff around.{{hnote|Are you sure about this, Crow? Is this going to apply in other future Sci-Fi films, like ''Star Wars'', of course?}}
: . . .
:''[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]''': Oh, my God! My waffle! [[w:Hindenburg disaster#Historic newsreel coverage|Oh, the humanity!]]
:''[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]''
:'''Mike''': Fries are up!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe''': Here's something my wife could use around the house.
:'''Crow''': A man?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Meacham''': This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': No, sir. That's paper!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the [[w:Interocitor|Interocitor]].]''
:'''Tom Servo''': But before unpacking - [[w:D'oh!|D'OH]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Meacham''': There are 2,486 parts.
:''[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]''
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Uh, 485, sir!
:''[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe''': Where do we start?
:'''Meacham''': Right here. ''[points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': At Goofy Clown Face!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe''': You know what my kids would say...
:'''Tom''': ''[interrupting]'' "You're not my real father!"
:'''Joe''': "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!"
:'''Meacham''': Plug it in, Joe.
:'''Mike''': Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': My name is Exeter.
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': ''Doug'' Exeter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': No, farther ''towards'' the killzone, please!
:'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Yeah, God I'm good!
:''[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor.]''
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!
:''[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up.]''
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!
:''[The Interocetor is now ablaze.]''
:'''Servo''': Quick, get the baking soda!
:'''Mike''': Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!
:'''Servo [as landlady]''': ''[imitates knocking noise]'' Are you boys cooking up there?!
:'''Mike''': No!
:'''Servo [as landlady]''': Are you building an Interocetor?!
:'''Mike''': ''[casually]'' NO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham pushes a microphone-like [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Brack enters the scene]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]]!
:'''Crow''': He goes through a lot of [[w:Brylcreem|Brylcreem]].
:''[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]''
:'''Crow [as Adams]''': Don't mention his head.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': Dr. Meacham! Good morning!
:'''Meacham''': Good morning.
:'''Exeter''': Please, come in. Both of you.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': We're glad you could join us at the [[w:Buddy Ebsen|Buddy Ebsen]] society!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Meacham''': What I want to know is...
:'''Exeter''': ''[interrupting]'' Who we are.... why we're here.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': And why do I have a picture of a burger on the wall?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Adams''': Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death.
:'''Exeter''': The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': You fine, foxy lady!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Steve Carlson''': Dr. Adams.
:'''Ruth''': Yes, Steve?
:'''Mike [as Carlson]''': What's this [[w:Gilligan's Island|"and the rest"]] crap?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]].]''
:'''Meacham''': What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
:'''Exeter''': I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien!
:'''Exeter''': My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
:'''Meacham''': ''Our'' composer? He belongs to the world.
:'''Exeter''': Yes, indeed.
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien.
: . . .
:'''Exeter''': We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': [[w:Alien (creature in Alien franchise)|Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack.]''
:'''Carlson''': Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
:'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' NO!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Elliot Ness|Ness]] and his men speed towards [[w: Al Capone|Capone's]] hideout!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]''
:'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, [[w:A Flock of Seagulls|A Flock of Seagulls]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]''
:'''Exeter''': Place your hands above the rails.
:''[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]''
:'''Exeter''': They're magnetized.
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': That's enough. Normal view.
:'''Mike, Servo, and Crow''': ''[singing in time with the dramatic music]'' Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': RUTH! MEACHAM!
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I LOVE YOU!
:'''Meacham''': ''[picks up boulder]'' Stand back, Exeter!
:'''Exeter''': Meacham, please! You have to believe me!
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': You're holding a Mutant turd!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': ''[to the Mutant]'' Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK!
:'''Mike''': ACTING!
:'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...
:''[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain.]''
:'''Crow [as the Mutant]''': OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Ruth]''': Oh, Carl.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Uh, Cal.
:'''Crow [as Ruth]''': ... oh, Cal.
:'''Ruth''': Home...
:'''Meacham''': Thank God it's still here.
:'''Crow''': [[w:TGIF|And Friday]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ''[talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000]'' "Puppet Wranglers"? There weren't any puppets in this movie!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits.]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!
:'''Servo''': Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!
:'''Crow [as Rando]''': Now, we've never met before, have we?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The name "Julie Walker" appears.]''
:'''Crow''': Julie [[w:Walker, Texas Ranger|Walker: Texas Ranger]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Credit for [[w:Eastman Kodak|Eastman Film]].]''
:'''Servo''': Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Credits end with "all rights reserved".]''
:'''Mike''': All rights are reserved, [[w:Dirty Harry|Callahan]]!
:'''Crow [as [[w:Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]]''': Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?

== Season 8 ==

=== Revenge of the Creature ===

:''[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as [[Planet of the Apes (1968)|George Taylor]]]''': A planet where apes evolved from men?
:'''Professor Bobo''': Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
:'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': You did it! You finally did it!
:'''Professor Bobo''': ''[apathetic]'' "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
:'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': It's a madhouse! A...
:'''Professor Bobo''': ...madhouse. ''I know!''{{hnote|Planet of the Apes reference.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Gill Man]''': ''[In time with the dramatic music]'' Here I am! I'm the Creature!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Boy, [[w:Esther Williams|Esther Williams]] didn't age well.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]''
:'''Miss Abbott''': Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miss Abbott]''': And... evolve.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]''
:'''Crow''': This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]''
:'''Crow [as a New Yorker]''': Does he got a ''[[w:penis|thing?]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]''
:'''Crow''': Everybody's drifting over to the "World of [[w:barnacles|Barnacles]]" exhibit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]''
:'''Servo''': Jeez, the [[w:Josef Mengele|''Mengele'' Institute for Marine Research!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]''
:'''Police Captain''': Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Police Captain]''': The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!

=== The Leech Woman ===
:''[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]'':
:'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]].
:'''Mike''': I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns.
:'''Servo''': That means you're a sexual predator.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]''
:'''Malla''': When we are alone, I will speak.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Talbot]''': Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]''
:'''Crow [as Guide]''': Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]''
:'''Crow [as Lion]''': Um... [[The Lion King|hakuna matata]]?
: . . .
:''[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]''
:'''Neil''': Teri... would you marry me?
:''[Teri pulls away.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Neil]''': Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
:'''Teri''': Oh, Neil — I can't.
:'''Servo [as Teri]''': Starfleet forbids it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During one of the many "African" scenes.]''
:'''Mike''': Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]''
:'''Crow''': This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': This is like a murderous episode of ''[[w:The Lucy Show|Lucy]]''.

=== The Mole People ===
:''[The film begins with an introduction from Professor [[w:Frank C. Baxter|Frank C. Baxter]] of the [[w:University of Southern California|University of Southern California]].]''
:'''Baxter''': This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable.
:'''Mike''': It's a fabulous funny freak-out.
:'''Baxter''': But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over...
:'''Crow''': You'll feel dirty.
:'''Baxter''': You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told.
:'''Servo''': It's a story botched.
:'''Baxter''': It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye.
:'''Mike''': Peanut nostrils happy clams.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]''
:'''Bentley''': We'll make camp here!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot (MST3K)|Crow T. Robot]]''': Then we'll dig our graves over there!

=== The Deadly Mantis ===

:'''Narrator''': For every action...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': There is a [[w:Action_Jackson|Jackson]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]''
:'''Narrator''': Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Canada, our mortal enemy.
:'''Narrator''': ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]''
:'''Crow''': You know what? Screw you Greenland!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A volcano erupts.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Menard's Guy]''': It's a magma flow of savings at [[w:Menard's|Menard's]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]''
:'''Crow''': Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with [[w:premature ejaculation|dishonorable discharge]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]''
:'''General Ford''': I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
:'''Crow [as Ford]''': I'm not gay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Parkman]''': But I've got a mantis in my pantis.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike and the 'bots are lost travelling through deep space. They're trying to use the radio, only to find out that all of the radio stations are all country music stations.]''
:'''Servo''': Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy?

=== The Thing That Couldn't Die ===

:''[The movie opens with the title: ''The Thing That Couldn't Die''.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]] Story!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''Couldn't'' die or ''wouldn't'' die?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Shouldn't?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]''
:'''Jessica''': You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
:'''Servo''': A trade rat?
:'''Jessica''': Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
:'''Servo [as Jessica]''': …in Maine.
:'''Mike''': You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]''
:'''Mike [as Linda]''': The rats put in a new crystal!
:'''Linda''': It still runs.
:'''Servo [as [[w:John Cameron Swayze|John Cameron Swayze]]]''': John Cameron Trade-Rat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]''
:'''Gordon''': Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
:'''Mike [as Gordon]''': He had a little tool and die shop down there.
:'''Servo [as Gordon]''': I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]''
:'''Flavia''': What's that?
:'''Crow''': Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Oklahoma (musical)|There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]''
:'''Crow''': The whole movie was leading up to ''this'' shot.
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Brought to you by the Breast Council.
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': Buy breasts where you work or bank!

=== The Undead ===

:''[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
:''[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That's it, we're doomed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
: . . .
:'''Mike''': This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]''
:'''Quintus''': We breathe as one. We are one.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Franklin]''': You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
:'''Quintus''': When I touch you…
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Quintus]''': [[w:I Touch Myself|I think about myself]]. No, no, no, wait.
:'''Quintus''': …we will be one.
:'''Servo [as Quintus]''': We'll be me, for convenience' sake.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]''
:'''Servo''': Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
:'''Mike''': ''[cringing]'' Ohh. Damn you, Servo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]''
:'''Servo [as Knight]''': Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]''
:'''Satan''': Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
:'''Crow [as Satan]''': Route 666!
:'''Satan''': …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
:'''Mike [as Satan]''': …to sleeping audience.
: . . .
:'''Satan''': Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"]'' O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]''
:'''Mike [as Knight]''': ''[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue]'' Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': I've never known more about what ''isn't'' going on in a movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Quintus''': STAAY!!

=== Terror from the Year 5000 ===
:''[Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin.]''
:'''Scientist 1''': Now ''there's'' an interesting sample!
:'''Crow''': Now ''there's'' an interesting line read!
:'''Scientist 1''': What is it?
:'''Scientist 2''': Don't know yet.
:'''Servo''': Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Claire''': I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
:'''Dr. Hedges''': I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! {{hnote|A line from the song ''One Night in Bangkok'', from the musical Chess.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]''
:'''Mike [as Hedges]''': Now what's going on?
:'''Servo [as Hedges]''': Who's that other guy?
:'''Crow [as Hedges]''': Where are we going?
:'''Mike [as Hedges]''': What is this fluid under my feet?
:'''Servo [as Hedges]''': What happened to the day-ball?
:'''Crow''': Let's chip in and buy this movie a life.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! They whacked [[w:Toonces|Toonces]]!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, he killed a [[w:mafia|made]] canary, so they had to do 'im.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Erling''': Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hedges]''': Genocide?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hedges]''': Slavery?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': Diseased blanket spreading?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]''
:'''Hedges''': Is there a good movie in town?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[snorts]'' Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh heh heh!
:''[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]''
:'''Mike, Crow''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Victor/Joe Buck]''': [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.]]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please! That's a hideous thought.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in ''[[w:The_Age_of_Innocence_(film)|The Age of Innocence]]''!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Or was it ''[[w:Sense_and_sensibility_(film)|Sense and Sensibility]]''?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I think it was ''[[w:Barfly_(film)|Barfly]]''.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, that's it.

=== The She-Creature ===

:''[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]''
:'''Barker Johnny''': I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So she's a carnival ''preceder''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]''
:'''Erickson''': Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
:'''Andrea''': I'd like that.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Erickson]''': Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Erickson/Fuller]''': My first question: will I get the part in ''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|This Island Earth]]''?
:'''Erickson''': What year is it, Andrea?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Elizabeth]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Year of the Cat (song)|The year of the cat]].
:'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elizabeth/[[My Fair Lady|Eliza Doolittle]]]''': In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
:'''Erickson''': Who is the reigning monarch?
:'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': [[w:James I of England|James]] [[w:James Stewart (actor)|Stuart]].
:'''Mike [as [[w:It's a Wonderful Life|George Bailey]]]''': Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]''
:'''Lombardi''': There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
:'''Erickson''': No.
:'''Lombardi''': He did what I told him without a single word.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': That's because he's a ''dog''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[gasps]'' Donald Duck has the [[w:One Ring|Ring of Power]]!
:...
:'''Crow''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] goes snorkling!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card."

=== I Was a Teenage Werewolf ===

:''[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing to the ''Bonanza'' theme]'' We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And the 35-year-old high school students look on.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Tony]''': But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, [[w:Bonanza#Theme song|Bonanza]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Frank]''': ''[muttering]'' "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I ''thinking''? It's like 47 miles!
:'''Crow [as Frank]''': I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of.
: . . .
:'''Servo''': ''I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]''
:'''Mike [as Arlene]''': ...and I like you ''because''...?
:'''Tony''': I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.
:'''Crow [as Arlene]''': Because you're a jerk?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a ''high school!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]''
:'''Crow''': Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
: . . .
:''[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Judy Garland|Judy Garland]] runs out of pills.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
:'''Mike''': I thought the night belonged to love.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.

=== The Giant Spider Invasion ===

:''[First lines of the movie]''
:'''Man''': Sheriff!
:'''Sheriff [Played by [[w:Alan Hale, Jr.|Alan Hale, Jr.]]]''': [[w:Gilligan's Island|Hey, little buddy!]]
:''[Mike and the 'bots cheer]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]''
:'''Olga''': Wait, you forgot your back brace.
:''[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Ugh, he's pink!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[cheering]'' Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]''
:'''Servo [as Dan]''': Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
:. . .
:'''Dan''': What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Dan]''': Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Repeated line]''
:'''Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]''': [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]''
:'''Crow''': Like a Rock! {{hnote|This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]''
:'''Servo''': Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
:. . .
:''[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]''
:'''Mike''': And the movie ''ramps'' up the revulsion!
:'''Crow''': This movie hates us, doesn't it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]''
:'''Ev''': Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
:'''Dan''': ''[walks toward window]''
:'''Servo''': Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
:''[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]''
:'''Crow [as Dan]''': [[w:Aryan Nation|...Aryan...Nation]]...rules...
:'''Dan''': ''[excited]'' Will you look at that!?
:'''Mike [as Dan]''': ''[excited]'' I made a [sic] "R"!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]''
:'''Ev''': You look like you could use a drink.
:'''Servo [as Ev]''': And a shower, and a job.
:'''Dan''': I found another body...
:'''Mike [as Ev]''': Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]''
:'''Mike''': I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]''
:'''Mike [as Spiders]''': We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
:'''Crow''': Giant ''Puppet'' Invasion!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]''
:'''Servo [as Spider]''': Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]
:'''Crow [as a mob member]''': Free [[w:Bobby Seale|Bobby Seale!]]
:'''Servo [as a mob member]''': [[w:Free Mumia|Free Mumia!]]
:'''Mike [as a mob member]''': Free beer!

=== Parts: The Clonus Horror ===

:''[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]''
:'''Crow''': Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]''
:'''Mike''': Hooray for the '70s!
:'''Crow''': [[w:Shaun Cassidy|Shaun Cassidy]] for President!
:'''Servo''': We want [[w:Billy Beer|Billy Beer]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']''
:'''Crow''': Apparently [[w:e. e. cummings|e. e. cummings]] wrote it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Dick Sargent|Dick Sargent]]. Didn't he play [[w:Dick York|Dick York]] on ''[[w:Bewitched|Bewitched]]''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Guide]''': This is not ''sanctioned'', gentlemen. You are doing this on your own…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]''
:'''Lena''': I like it. It gives me time to write.
:'''Richard''': Write?
:'''Lena''': Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
:'''Crow [as Lena]''': I've already filled a [[w:Post-it note|Post-it note]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]''
:'''Crow:''' Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]''
:'''Mike [as Richard/[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|Winston Smith]]]''': Whaddya know — we ''aren't'' at war with Eurasia!
: . . .
:''[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Richard]''': Black helicopter… [[w:Roswell UFO Incident|Roswell]]… [[w:Area 51|Area 51]]… [[w:Waco Siege|Waco]]… [[w:Coca-Cola formula|formula for Coca-Cola]]…

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jake''': This place you keep talking about, Clonus...
:'''Servo [as Jake]''': Is there a bar?
:. . .
:'''Jake''': Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything?
:'''Crow [as Jake]''': Speaking of, where's the bathroom?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]''
:'''Rick''': You knew about the tape, didn't you?
:'''Jeff''': Yeah. You saw the tape?
:'''Rick''': Yeah, and it's scary.
:'''Crow [as Rick]''': [[w:Adam Sandler|Adam Sandler]]'s in it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]''
:'''Servo [as [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]]''': "[[w:James Arness|James Arness]]: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on [[w:Biography (TV series)|Biography]].

=== The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies ===

:''[As the show opens, the Bots are doing [[w:Walkathon|walkathons]].]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, what about you, Servo?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
:'''Mike''': Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
:'''Servo''': No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the ''acronym'', Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]''
:'''Mike''': The shroud of [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]].
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
:'''Mike [as zombie]''': You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
:'''Servo''': He's turning into a brisket.
:'''Crow''': It's a portrait of [[w:Bob Dole|Bob Dole]]'s inner child.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': [[Tom Petty]] in the morning.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
:''[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]''
:'''Mike''': Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the music in the opening credits]''
:'''Crow''': The organ has emphysema.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to the "[[w:Libby's|Libby's]], Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle]'' If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
:'''Mike''': The music's gonna break into "[[w:Chest Fever|Chest Fever]]" any minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]''
:'''Jerry''': The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... ''depressed''.
:'''Mike''': ''[[w:Highlights for Children#Goofus & Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]'', the movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jerry''': How's college?
:'''Madison''': Fine. You should try it some time.
:'''Jerry''': No thanks. The world's my college.
:'''Crow''': He's taking it pass-fail.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "[[w:Silent Night|Silent Night]]"-like tune.]''
:'''Mike''': Hair-trigger precision. They're like the [[w:Blue Angels|Blue Angels]] of dancing.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, one wrong move and they all ''crash''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]''
:'''Mike [as Singer]''': First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…
:'''Mike, Crow [as Chorus]''': [[w:Schick (razors)|Schick]] out of shape!
:'''Servo''': Now, everybody—shave!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]''
:'''Servo''': [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own ''gravy''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]''
:'''Jerry''': Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
:'''Harold''': Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
:'''Jerry''': ''[shocked]'' ''Job''?
:'''Servo [as Jerry]''': I'm a respected neurosurgeon!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After seeing who played Madison]''
:'''Mike''': Madison is, Madison.

=== Jack Frost ===
:''[Title card is shown.]''
:'''Servo''':[[w:Jack Sprat|...could eat no...frost.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]''
:'''Mike''': So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]''
:'''Crow''': Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Russian names are on the screen.]''
:'''Mike''': These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]''
:'''Nastenka''': Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Sun]''': And you are…?
:'''Nastenka''': Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Sun]''': ''[beeps]'' This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
:''[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's ''fine''; you knit your ''sock''.
: . . .
:'''Nastenka''': Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn!
:'''Mike [as Mafia don]''': Some day you'll return the favor...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This is a test of the [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|Emergency Broadcast Chicken]].
:'''Servo''': Man, [[w:Saint Peter#Denial of Jesus|Peter]] must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
: . . .
:'''Crow''': If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]''
:'''Crow''': The [[w:KGB|KGB]] has her under surveillance!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]''
:'''Servo''': Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in [[w:Narnia|Narnia]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a [[w:Matryoshka doll|Matryoshka doll]].]''
:'''Stepmother''': Nope! Not a princess.
:'''Servo''': She's got that healthy clown glow.
:'''Marfushka''': Oh, no?
:'''Stepmother''': You are a ''queen''!
:'''Mike''': In that you look like [[w:Freddie Mercury|Freddie Mercury]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]''
:'''Ivan''': Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
:'''Fairy''': Are you afraid?
:'''Ivan''': Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
:'''Mike [as Ivan]''': ...the flat part, anyway.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]''
:'''Frost's Voice''': Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]''
:'''Random Unknown Voice''': Look who's here!
:'''Servo''': Thank you, Anonymous Voice!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]''
:'''Crow''': It's a three-pig open sleigh!
:'''Servo''': On [[w:Charlotte's Web|Wilbur]]! On [[w:Gordy|Gordy]]! On [[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:"It's" man|It's…]]
:'''Mike''': It's…
:'''Crow''': It's… a convention of [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]] imitators!
: . . .
:'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Seven Dwarves]]! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]''
:'''Hunchback Fairy''': My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
:'''Crow''': Well, maybe you should have diversified more!

=== Riding with Death ===

:''[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]''
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': ''(panting)'' Oh, great! Just what I need!
:'''Bobo''': Medic! Medic!
:'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': ''[enters wearing nurse's outfit]'' Here I am!
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?
:'''Observer''': My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aide. ''(begins attending to Forrester's wound)''
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': ...what's that smell?!
:'''Observer''': Oh! Mustard gas!
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': Mustard Gas! Get the masks!
:'''Bobo''': Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch.
:'''Observer''': Good god, ape...
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': That's it, we're pulling out!
:''[Clanking sound is heard]''
:'''Observer''': Hand grenade!
:'''Bobo''': Grenade! I'll save you! ''[throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]''
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!
:'''Observer''': ''[looks up]'' It's a good thing I don't have a body... ''[flops back down]''
:''[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Tom Servo watch on]''
:'''Mike Nelson''': Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...
:'''Crow''': I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—
:'''Mike''': ''[ignoring Crow]'' ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...
:'''Tom Servo''': D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.
:'''Crow''': Just a little too much.
:''[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]''
:'''Mike''': And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...
:'''Crow''': Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—
:'''Mike''': ''[again ignoring Crow]''It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...
:'''Tom Servo''': So! Bombs away, Mike!
:'''Crow''': Okay, Mike! Bombs away!
:'''Mike''': Oh! Right... ''[Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Tom Servo cheer]''
:'''Crow''': Bombs away, Mike!
:'''Tom Servo''': Bombs away! ''[to Crow]'' Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.
:'''Crow''': Is that so?
:''[Mike reenters without the bomb]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...
:'''Mike''': There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...
:'''Crow''': A little distraction!
:''[Mike and the bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[gets back up]'' Okay...keep things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?
:'''Tom Servo''': Think so...
:'''Crow''': And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!{{hnote|That's the third time Mike's destroyed a planet!}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]''
:'''Mike''': Universal, except for you, [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]].
:'''Crow''': You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
:'''Servo''': Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the title appears]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, the [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] story.
:'''Crow''': And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the opening credits]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Is there such a thing as ''starring'' Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is ''pointed'' at Ben Murphy?
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Starring rejects from Harry-O.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': If [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]], come on! Please, please, please, please!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Ah, that gooey [[w:Los Angeles|LA]] sky.
:'''Mike''': Birds? Nope. All dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]''
:'''Mike''': The world's most difficult math test.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A character is spending the scene fiddling with his glasses]''
:'''Crow''': Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]''
:'''Servo [as Mechanic]''': ''[evilly]'' They don't call me ''"Karl"'' for nothing.
:'''Crow [as Sam]''': So, how does cutting my brake lines help the shocks? Eh, I'm not the mechanic!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]''
:'''Sam''': Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
:'''Crow''': "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
:'''Mike [as Sam]''': Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
:'''Servo [as Sam]''': My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
:'''Crow [as Sam]''': My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours—
:'''Mike, Servo''': Ugh— Crow!
: . . .
:''[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]''
:'''Mike [as Sam]''': Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
:'''Crow''': You said ''I'' was bad.
:'''Mike''': You inspired me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]''
:'''Crow [as Buffalo Bill]''': ''[[w:The Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard]]'' got renewed!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]''
:'''Mike [as Denby]''': Cupcake! Get [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie the Kid]] and [[w:Hostess|Fruitpie the Magician]]!

=== Agent for H.A.R.M. ===

:''[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hirsute [[w:astronauts|Astronauts]] Revile [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Adam]''': Solid [[w:Balsa|balsawood]], baby!
: . . .
:''[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]''
:'''Adam''': This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the [[w:judo|judo]] range.
:'''Mike''': The judo ''range''?
: . . .
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Adam]''': Meet me at the [[w:karate|karate]] [[w:rink|rink]] later.
: . . .
:''[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]''
:'''Adam''': Judo range!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Adam]''': Then go practice your [[w:Skeet shooting|skeet]] [[w:kendo|kendo]] and bring your [[w:aikido|aikido]] [[w:rifle|rifle]], too.
:'''Mike [as Student]''': Gotta get into my judo [[w:bikini|bikini]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Adam:''' I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear?
:'''Servo [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers.
:'''Dr. Stefanik:''' Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. ''[Walks away.]''
:'''Crow [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' I'll go get the cot.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Adam''': You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
:'''Crow''': And hula hoops and dungarees?
:'''Adam''': Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!
:'''Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]''': I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]''
:'''Crow''': Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
:'''Mike''': Because Bobo is such... HEY!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]''
:'''Ava''': Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
:'''Crow [as Adam]''': Yes, and yes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]''
:'''Crow''': This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % ''[bleep]''ing not guilty. And if you ''[bleep]''s don't ''[bleep]'' find him innocent, then you can just ''[bleep]''ing kiss my fat ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. And that ''[bleep]''ing goes for your bull''[bleep]'' court system, too! Mike, I'm so ''[bleep]''ing sorry I couldn't ''[bleep]''ing be there for this ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''y really bogus trial, man. But let me ''[bleep]'' tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd ''[bleep]''ing kick everyone's fat stupid ''[bleep]''ing behinds and then cram it up their ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this ''[bleep]'' helps. Take care, Mike.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]''
:'''Mike''': Here's the wind up....
:''[Adam smiles smugly to himself]''
:'''Mike''': ...and ''there's'' the smarm!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom''': He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]''
:'''Mike [as Adam]''': Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!
:'''Tom''': Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you!

=== Prince of Space ===

:''[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Prince (musician)|I'm in space already! Damn!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]''
:'''Mother''': The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...the dining room?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]''
:'''Spaceship''': Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Crank whore?
:'''Spaceship''': Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV Advert. announcer]''': Veterans cannot be turned down!
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Mickey]''': That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it ''very much''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]''
:'''Crow [as Headline]''': Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
:'''Mike [as Headline]''': [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]] Sent to Fight Krankor.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]''
:'''Crow [as periscope]''': I am the lemon zester of destruction!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': A rare Godzilla-free day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We hear a barking dog running past]''
:'''Tom [As dog, with Japanese accent]''': Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
:''[A police car drives past in the same direction]''
:'''Mike''': ''After that dog!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]''
:'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.
:. . .
:''[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]''
:'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': An exchange of deadly [[w:Negative (photography)|negative]] scratches!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]''
:'''Phantom''': Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— ''[movie skip]'' —ren!
:'''Mike''': "Kill some ''diffren''"?
:'''Servo''': "Diffren"?
:'''Prince''': I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
:'''Crow''': You hear that, [[w:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]''
:'''CO''': Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
:'''Mike [as CO]''': I understand you're [[w:Manicotti|stuffed with cheese]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.]
:'''Mike [as Prince of Space]''': Swing me over there, trusty string!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]''
:'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Set whole fryers to stun!
:'''Mike''': The upper half of a [[w:Edward Hopper|Hopper]] painting.
:'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Oh! A giant roast chicken!
:'''Crow [as Citizen]''': It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
:'''Mike [as Citizen]''': It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
:'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Potatoes or stuffing?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]''
:'''Phantom''': What a fool!
:'''Servo [as Phantom]''': He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[on the Prince of Space]'' His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wally''': Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen!
:'''Mike [as Wally]''': [[w:Tannin|Get out of my wine!]]

=== Horror of Party Beach ===

:''[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]''
:'''Servo''': A-hehehehe! [[w:Wipe Out (instrumental)|Horror!]]
:'''Crow''': Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a driving scene]''
:'''Mike''': Nude driving: a new fad among the teens.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]''
:'''Mike''': What is "additional dialogue", anyway?
:'''Crow''': Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?"

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Sturgis: a city on the move!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own *head* with drawn butter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Men should ''not'' have bikini areas!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': MY SKULL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]''
:'''Crow''': Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
:'''Servo''': So, radiation has a sense of humor!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]''': ''[singing to "[[w:Chances Are (song)|Chances Are]]"]''
:: Chances are
:: That I'll kick your scrawny ass...
:. . .
:''[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]''
:'''Mike [as Gang Leader]''': You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Eulabelle''': It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin!
:'''Crow [as Eulabelle]''': You wouldn't understand!
:. . .
:'''Dr. Gavin''': Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research.
:'''Eulabelle''': And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there.
:'''Dr. Gavin''': That's enough!
:'''Mike [as Dr. Gavin]''': You're scaring me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The monsters attack an all-girl [[w:Sleepover|slumber party]]]''
:'''Mike''': [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel ''compelled'' to raid.
:'''Servo''': Every male of ''any'' species has the biological urge to [[w:Panty raid|panty-raid]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look [[w:nail polish|Polish]]"]''
:'''Mike''': Wait— "Look [[w:Poles|Polish]]?"
:'''Servo''': Huh?
:'''Mike''': It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—''see?'' It says "Look Polish"!
:'''Servo''': "Look Polish"!
:'''Crow''': Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]''
:'''Elaine''': ''[whispering]'' I hear something.
:'''Servo [as Elaine]''': ''[whispering]'' He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom''': What are we looking at and why are we looking at it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The time of day has been changing]''
:'''Tom''': Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... .

=== Devil Doll ===

:''[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free.
:''[Later in the same shot]''
:'''Crow''': Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a [[w:Rotary dial|rotary phone]]]''
:'''Servo''': So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]''
:'''The Great Vorelli''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...
:'''Servo [as the Great Vorelli]''': Then I'll be right back.
:'''The Great Vorelli''': That he may die at any moment.
:''[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]''
:'''Crow [as the Great Vorelli]''': Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine]''
:'''Hugo''': I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hugo]''': [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]''
:'''Crow [as Hugo]''': You think ''he'' likes ham? Wait 'til you see ''me'' like ham!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]''
:'''Mercedes''': He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died.
:'''Mike [as Mark]''': Did he live?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]''
:'''The Great Vorelli''': Hugo...
:'''Mike [as the Great Vorelli]''': Have you been shaving your legs with this again?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]''
:'''Mike [as Hugo]''': Please cover my cage...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mark English (played by [[w:William Sylvester|William Sylvester]]) is sleeping]''
:'''Servo''': You know, [[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] saw this scene and said "We found our [[w:Heywood Floyd|Heywood Floyd]]!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]''
:'''Hugo''': [[w:Dog Day Afternoon|Attica! Attica!]]

=== [[w:Invasion of the Neptune Men|Invasion of the Neptune Men]] ===

:''[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]''
:'''Tibana''': So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The "Roji-Panty Complex"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]''': HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]''
:'''Servo''': That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
:. . .
:''[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]''
:'''Crow [as Space Chief]''': Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Neptune Men approach Earth]''
:'''Mike''': Shoot at Earth all you want, just ''get [[w:Bill Maher|Bill Maher]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]''
:'''Servo [as the Japanese]''': Oh, let's call our friends [[w:Korea under Japanese rule|the Koreans]]! Oh, oh no—[[w:Russo-Japanese War|the Russians]]! Well, no. [[w:Nanking Massacre|The Chinese]]! Oh, well, I guess not.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]''
:'''Mike''': I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly ''[[w:Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]'' seems a richly-nuanced movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]''
:'''Crow''': So whatever happened to Space Chef?
:'''Mike''': That's "Chief."
:'''Crow''': ''Chief'' Chef?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Y'know, Space Chief should try going into ''space'' sometime!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.
:'''Mike''': Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of [[w:Adolph Hitler|Hitler]] being blown up]''
:'''Crow''': ''[royally confused]'' What the...?
:'''Servo''': They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
:'''Crow''': All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
:'''Mike''': The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
:'''Crow''': [[w:Planet_of_the_Apes_%281968_film%29|They blew it up!]]
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where ''you'' grew up?
:'''Mike''': Not, uh...no. No.
:'''Crow''': Sure?
:'''Mike''': ...Yeah.
:. . .
:''[Another spaceship begins to dive]
:'''Crow''': What next? The [[w:Mussolini|Mussolini]] Mall?
:'''Servo''': Yeah! Followed by the [[w:Pinochet|Pinochet]] Petting Zoo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]''
:'''Crow''': So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about [[w:Stock footage|stock footage]] that would get us through this?
:'''Servo''': Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... ''[thundering]'' '''''EAT IT, MOVIE!'''''
:'''Crow''': Whoa! Whoa!
:'''Servo''': ''[still ranting]'' '''TAKE THIS ''STUPID'' LITTLE ''COCKROACH'' OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP ''SOOOOO'' TIGHT, AND THEN ''RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR''—''' ''[begins sobbing]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a radar screen, as the scientists count down]''
:'''Scientist''': Ten, nine, eight...
:'''Crow''': Yeah, yeah, right—one.
:'''Scientist''': Seven, six...
:'''Crow''': One!
:'''Scientist''': Five, four...
:'''Crow''': ONE!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]''
:'''Servo''': Space Chief's off having a couple [[w:Sapporo Brewery|Sapporos]] with [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Godzilla_vs._Megalon|Jet Jaguar]] and [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Prince_of_Space|Prince of Space]].

=== [[w:Space Mutiny|Space Mutiny]] ===

:''[repeated line]''
:'''Servo (as various characters)''': Did you sign Sherry's card?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]''
:'''Crow''': It lists [[w:Hitler|Hitler]] as a "fairly stable veteran of [[w:World War I|the Great War]]."
:'''Mike''': Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
:'''Servo''': Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
:'''Crow''': Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
:'''Mike''': Well, I used them when I was a kid. ''[Blows dust off a volume]'' They seemed fine then.
:'''Crow''': The periodic table has ''three'' elements in it, Mike!
:'''Servo''': There's a volume for the letter ''epsilon.''
:'''Crow''': There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
:'''Servo''': It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
:'''Mike''': So?
:'''Servo''': Under construction?!
:'''Mike''': So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
:'''Servo''': Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]''
:'''Mike''': Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "[[w:Battlestar Galactica|Battlestar Galactica]]"]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Special effects by [[w:Industrial Light and Magic|Industrial Light and Morons]].{{hnote|Takes us back to good ol' Memory Lane!}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lea]''': My ''Buns of Steel'' videos are in there!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]''
:'''Servo [as Jansen]''': But what of the little children and their toys?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Capt. Devers''': Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships.
:'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I agree.
:'''Mike [as Jensen]''': I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]''
:'''Mike [as Kalgan]''': Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]''
:'''MacPhearson''': Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
:'''Mike''': I disagree!
:'''MacPhearson''': Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the ''Southern Sun''.
:'''Chief Engineer''': Then let him do so alone.
:'''Engineer Parsons''': This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.
:'''Crow [as Parsons]''': I just have to wet myself first.
:'''MacPhearson''': Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
:'''Chief Engineer''': We'll not allow that! No!
:'''Servo''': The easily led wise council.
:''[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]''
:'''Engineer Parsons''': Let me go, traitors!
:'''Mike [as Parsons]''': What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!
:'''Crow''': Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!
:'''Servo''': Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.
:'''Crow''': Death by snicker-snag!
:''[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]
:'''Mike''': I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!
:'''Servo [as MacPhearson]''': Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."
:'''MacPhearson''': Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?
:'''Mike''': I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!
:'''MacPhearson''': Report to the enforcers' bridge.
:'''Servo''': Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]''
:'''Ryder''': Listen, lady!
:'''Lea''': Doctor!
:'''Ryder''': ''Doctor''.
:'''Crow''': ''Doctor'' Lady!
:. . .
:'''Ryder''': I had to eject! I had no other choice!
:'''Servo [as Lea]''': That's ''Doctor'' I Had No Other Choice!
:. . .
:''[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]''
:'''Ryder''': Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.
:'''Mike''': It's ''Doctor'' Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, no, the death of [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]]!
:'''Servo''': [[w:Jessie's Girl|I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Herve Villechaize|Herve Villechaize]]'s Death Car.
:'''Mike''': Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
:'''Crow [as Ryder]''': Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of ''three''!
:'''Kalgan''': ''[laughs evilly]''
:'''Servo [as Ryder]''': Hit the siren! ''[hums ''Entrance of the Gladiators'']''
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Kalgan]''': We need both horsepowers on this thing!
: . . .
:''[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]''
:'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The [[w:Sting|Sting]]-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]''
:'''Servo [as Devers]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da|De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...]]
:''[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, wait, she's dead!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, she's dead!
:'''Mike''': She died!
:''[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]''
:'''Capt. Devers''': Commander Jansen?
:'''Crow [as Devers]''': I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
: . . .
:''[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]''
:'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
:'''Capt. Devers''': Helveca?
:'''Mike [as Devers]''': Oh, I love [[w:Helvetica|that font]]!
: . . .
:'''Cmdr. Jansen''': It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
:'''Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]''': Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
: . . .
:''[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]''
:'''Mike [as Devers]''': 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]''
:'''Crow [as MacPhearson]''': [[w:Richard III (play)|A horse! My kingdom for a horse!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Captain Devers''': ''[referring to another character]'' Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.
:'''Commander Jansen''': Alright.
:'''Crow [as Jansen]''': Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Commander Jansen''': Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . .
:'''Crow''': You're fired.
:. . .
:''[Ryder shakes hands with Cmdr. Jansen]''
:'''Mike''': We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Woooo! We got [[w:ISO 9000#Contents of ISO 9001|ISO 9001]] certified!
:. . .
:''[Ryder leaves to find Lea]''
:'''Servo''': He's gonna have ''so much sex'' with your daughter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan]''
:'''Mike''': There goes a big, brave brick of meat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]''
:'''Lea''': I'm leaving.
:'''Capt. Devers''': Lea?
:'''Mike [as Devers]''': You wanna get me some coffee?
:'''Capt. Devers''': Lea!
:'''Mike [as Devers]''': Get me some coffee!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Bullfight|Toro! Toro!]] These cars are made by [[w:Toro (company)|Toro!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?
:'''Servo''': Oh?
:'''Mike''': Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]''
:'''Crow''': A little free advice for the people taking over the ship: ''just stop and '''aim''', you idiots!''
:'''Servo''': Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, ''white'' thing?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]''
:'''Servo''': Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this '''''FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kalgan''': I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.
:'''Servo [as Kalgan]''': You're too stupid to know anything about dental history.
:'''Lea''': You bastard!
:'''Mike [as Lea]''': How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]''
:'''Servo''': And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]''
:'''Crow''': Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be ''the future!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]''
:'''Servo''': They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]''
:'''Crow''': Slab Bulkhead!
:'''Servo''': Fridge Largemeat!
:'''Mike''': Punt Speedchunk!
:'''Crow''': Butch Deadlift!
:'''Crow''': Bold Bigflank!
:'''Mike''': Splint Chesthair!
:'''Mike''': Flint Ironstag!
:'''Crow''': Bolt Vanderhuge!
:'''Mike''': Thick McRunfast!
:'''Mike''': Blast Hardcheese!
:'''Crow''': Buff Drinklots!
:'''Servo''': Trunk Slamchest!
:'''Crow''': Fist Rockbone!
:'''Mike''': Stump Beefknob!
:'''Servo''': Smash Lampjaw!
:'''Crow''': Punch Rockgroin!
:'''Mike''': Buck Plankchest!
:'''Crow''': Stump Chunkmen!
:'''Servo''': Dirk Hardpec!
:'''Mike''': Rip Steakface!
:'''Crow''': Slate Slabrock!
:'''Servo''': Crud Bonemeal!
:'''Mike''': Brick HardMeat!
:'''Crow''': Rip Slagcheek!
:'''Servo''': Punch Sideiron!
:'''Mike''': Gristle McThornbody!
:'''Crow''': Slate Fistcrunch!
:'''Mike''': Buff Hardback!
:'''Servo''': Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
:'''Servo''': Blast Thickneck!
:'''Crow''': Crunch Buttsteak!
:'''Mike''': Slab Squatthrust!
:'''Servo''': Lump Beefbroth!
:'''Crow''': Touch Rustrod!
:'''Mike''': Reef Blastbody!
:'''Mike''': Big McLargeHuge!
:'''Mike''': Smoke ManMuscle!
:'''Servo''': Eat Punchbeef!
:'''Mike''': Hack Blowfist!
:'''Mike''': Roll Fizzlebeef!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]''
:'''Servo''': Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
:'''Crow''': Yeah Mike, this is your music done by ''your'' people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
:'''Mike''': Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
:'''Crow''': Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
:'''Mike''': Uhhh...
:''[The music slows down to a power ballad style]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
:'''Servo''': Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a ''second,'' but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
:'''Servo''': And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but ''no,'' Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
:'''Crow''': Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
:'''Servo''': You're pathetic.
:'''Crow''': You and your '80s!
:'''Servo''': Your ''precious'' '80s!
:'''Crow''': You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
:'''Servo''': Yeah!
:'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!
:''[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]''
:'''Crow''': You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
:'''Servo''': Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!
:''[After a while Mike sits up]''
:'''Mike''': Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.
:''[Pause of a second]''
:'''Servo''': Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
:'''Crow''': No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! ''[sobbing]''
:'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
:'''Mike''': No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
:'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Mike!
:'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' Sorry, Mike!
:'''Mike''': It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.

=== [[w:Time Chasers|Time Chasers]] ===

:''[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]''
:'''Servo [as dog]''': ''[talking like [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]]'' Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
:'''Crow''': He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
:'''Mike''': ''[groaning]'' Oh, Crow. So early, too.
:''[The logo fades out]''
:'''Servo''': ''[still talking like Scooby-Doo]'' Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents—
:'''Mike''': Okay, stop.
:'''Crow''': Cut it out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]''
:'''Crow''': This is like NFL graphics here.
:'''Mike''': ''[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]''
:'''Nick''': Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a ''genius''!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': A crop-dusting ''genius''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]''
:'''Crow''': This... is not our star, is it? I will ''not'' accept this as our star, sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]''
:'''Mike [as announcer]''': Come on down to parallel parking days.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]''
:'''Mike''': Come to Martin's. [[w:Martin_%28television%29|WHATUP?!?]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick boots up his computer]''
:'''Servo [as the old AOL voice]''': You've got mail... pattern baldness!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the first scene in 2041]''
:'''Mike''': ''[derisively]'' The, uh, future.
:''[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]''
:'''Crow''': So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
:. . .
:'''Servo''': So... 50 years from now will be ''3'' years from now...
:. . .
:''[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, look—a lesbian... ''of the future!''
:''[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Food courts... ''of the future!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]''
:'''Mike [as Robertson]''': Hi, I'm Bob Evil!
:'''Robertson''': Trust me.
:'''Servo [as Robertson]''': Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]''
:'''Guard''': Come on, this way! ''[They run down the false route]''
:'''Mike [as Guard]''': Even though I see them running the other way!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]''
:'''Servo''': ''Two'' kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even ''I'' know that's a fashion no-no.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as J.K.]''': I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles!
:'''Crow [as Matt]''': I'm a team player!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]''
:'''Mike [as Gunman]''': Arrgh! [[w:Dead Man's Chest|Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]''
:'''Servo''': Great, now the garbage truck's backing up!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]''
:'''Servo''': I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, I think—huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]''
:'''Servo''': They're running out of Alt!
:''[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]''
:'''Eddie''': And their Miffnots ''[MPH KNOTS]'' are goin' down!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Lisa''': Nick!
:'''Crow [as Lisa]''': I was shaving this morning and got a ''nick''!
:''[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]''
:'''Eddie''': ''[irritated]'' Get up! You're all right.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]''
:'''Crow [as Nick]''': Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]''
:'''Crow''': 27 [[w:Keebler Company|Keebler]] elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
:'''Mike''': E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
:'''Crow''': Oh, he's like poo, all right.
:. . .
:''[as Nick climbs down the tree]''
:'''Crow''': He's climbing an [[w:Ent|Ent]]!
:'''Servo''': ''[in a deep, Entish voice]'' Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
:. . .
:''[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him.]''
:'''Crow''': He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.
:''[Then, a conveniently placed tree branch falls of the tree and flattens Robertson.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[Satisfied]'' Oh. Well that's nice. Thank you, movie!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]''
:'''Servo''': Did the tree contribute money to the film? ''Why are they showing this?''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]''
:'''Servo''': So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.
:'''Mike''': Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.
:''[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]''
:'''Mike''': Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]''
:'''Mike''': Who's playing the [[w:chamber pot|chamber pot]]?!
:''[The writer credit appears]''
:'''Crow''': Written? This movie was written? I don't ''think'' so.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]''
:'''Servo''': We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]''
:'''Servo''': Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': All these people bear... ''some'' responsibility, you know.
:''[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]''
:'''Servo''': Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of ''stupid'' Rutland, Vermont! ''This'' is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. ''Go to hell'', citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin!

=== [[w:Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]] ===

:''[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]''
:'''Servo''': Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!
:'''Mike''': Let go of it, man!
:'''Servo''': Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your ''Webster''s, and your ''Facts of Life''ses, and your ''Who's The Boss''esesses!
:''[Movie Sign goes off]''
:'''Mike''': We got movie sign! ''[Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia's]] head inside a golden electronic cube]''
:'''Mike''': This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
:'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rubik's Cube|Raulbik's Cube!]]
:'''Servo''': Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
:'''Mike''': Oh no, don't say it!
:'''Servo''': ...Cube-in!
:'''Mike''': Ahhh.
:''[The cube begins to fade away]''
:'''Crow''': Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
:'''Servo [as Raul Julia]''': But I'm signed to play [[w:Romero (film)|Archbishop Romero!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie's theme plays]''
:'''Mike''': And now, the news.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[New York City PBS affiliate [[w:WNET|WNET]] is credited]''
:'''Servo''': That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Title card is shown]''
:'''Servo''': ''[with monotone sarcasm]'' Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]''
:'''Mike''': Wow. TV's Frank!
:'''Servo''': Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]''
:'''Crow''': SAT farms ''of the future''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]''
:'''Appalonia''': He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.
:''[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]''
:'''Mike''': And its effect on Bugs Bunny.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
:. . .
:'''Appalonia''': And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.
:'''Mike [as Appalonia]''': Data entrying with no pants.
:. . .
:''[Fingal gets caught.]''
:'''Crow''': We now return to ''Billy Madison''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[on the therapist]'' It's Merv Griffin!
:'''Computer''': Ask about his mother.
:'''Servo [as Computer]''': Ask if she wears Army boots.

:'''Servo''': So aging lesbian nuns run the future?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]''
:'''Fingal''': I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?
:'''Shuttle Passenger''': An anteater... ''maybe.''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, look. Must be a [[w:Jack in the Box#E. coli outbreak|Jack-In-The-Box in the food court]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]''
:'''Boy''': And blue, like this?
:'''Teacher''': Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.
:'''Boy''': Is it ''sexy?''
:'''Teacher''': We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room.
:''[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' The littlest sexual deviant.
:. . .
:''[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]''
:'''Servo''': There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. {{hnote|[In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.]}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]''
:'''Servo''': Is it "[[w:Village of the Damned|Children of the Damned]] Day" at the brain institute here?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[[Doctor Who]]''... the hell cares!
:'''Mike''': You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]''
:'''Fingal''': At least I'm not an anteater.
:'''Mike''': This movie just hates ''anteaters''!
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': This cost me every credit I have?
:'''Mike''': He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]''
:'''Fingal''': What happened to him? He looks drunk to me!
:'''Crow [as giraffe]''': I'm on medication, okay?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]''
:'''Servo [as Worker]''': Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]''
:'''Crow''': Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' See you on the dark side of Raul...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up ''this'' cinema.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]''
:'''Mike''': It's Asian Pee-Wee.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Pierre''': Everybody goes to The Place.
:'''Servo [as Co-worker]''': You know, when they have to ''go''...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the name of "The Place"]''
:'''Mike''': Formerly "That Other Place".
:'''Servo''': Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and ''this'' was the name they thought up.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Formerly "The Locale".
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Formerly "The Site".
:. . .
:'''Crow''': It's changed ownership. Now it's a ''gentleman's'' club.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]''
:'''Professor Bobo''': Hey, I can sing, too! ''[singing off-key]'' [[w:Only_Time_Will_Tell_(song)|And now you find yourself in '82—]] ''[Pearl kicks him in the groin.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]''
:'''Mike [as the Fat Man]''': All I can eat? The joke's on them!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]''
:'''Fingal''': I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored!
:''[Mike and the bots all look around]''
:'''Servo''': OK, which one of us said that?
:'''Crow''': I felt it, I don't...
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]''': ''[dully]'' I'm okay with that.
:. . .
:''[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]''
:'''Crow [as co-worker]''': My coffee coupon!
:...
:'''Fingal''': If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.
:'''Crow''': I'll be a better zombie!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a rather adult scene]''
:'''Mike''': Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]''
:'''Apollonia''': If this [[w:masturbation|one-handed exercise]] is all you can think of to do with your life...
:'''Crow''': Whoa!
:'''Apollonia''': ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
:'''Servo''': Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
:''[Apollonia slaps him.]''
:'''Crow [as Fingal]''': Well, now you are, actually.
:. . .
:'''Apollonia''': Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...
:'''Servo''': Well, slapping him seemed like a good start!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]''
:'''Rick''': What're you gonna do?
:'''Fingal''': I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
:'''Mike''': Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]''
:'''Computer''': What is your access code?
:'''Crow''': [[w:Microsoft|Where do you want to go today?]] All over this movie, that's where I want to go.
:'''Computer''': Invalid access. Quit or retry?
:'''Servo''': I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]''
:'''Crow''': The chairman's got really bad dandruff.
:'''Mike''': This is how much ''pure'' cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': I'm not making ''this'' up!
:'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm not cleaning it up either!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the ''crap'' out of [[w:Fred Rogers|Fred Rogers]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]''
:'''Apollonia''': Dopples don't dance, they don't make love...
:'''Crow''': They're ''Lutherans''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing to the background music]'' [[w:Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want...]]
:. . .
:''[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]''
:'''Servo [as God]''': Here's some more commandments I forgot.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Fingal''': Shut up, Fat Man!
:'''Mike [as Fingal]''': You... you anteater!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Fat Man leaves]''
:'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': To Wendy's!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]''
:'''Fingal''': Genius. Pure Genius.
:'''Crow''': ...couldn't save this film.
:. . .
:''[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]''
:'''Servo [as Fat Man]''': I'm farting Monopoly cards!
:'''Mike''': Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]''
:'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': Draw... me some butter!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]''
:'''Mike''': Vertigo to hell.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now!
:. . .
:''[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]''
:'''Mike''': I love you this much!
:''[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]''
:'''Servo''': I don't care for you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal (played by [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia]]) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Eating Raoul|Eating Raul]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]''
:'''Rick''': Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater!
:'''Servo''': Lay off the anteaters! Come on!
:'''Crow''': Man!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this [[w:Public Broadcasting Service|PBS]] TV movie.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public ''Boinking'' System", huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "[[Casablanca]]".]''
:'''Crow [as co-worker]''': But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The theme plays at the end.]''
:'''Mike''': And now the news. ''
:''[Theme plays again.]''
:'''Mike''': That was the news.

== Season 9 ==

=== The Projected Man ===

<div id="nepenthe">
:''[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]''
:'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… ''[increasingly melodramatically]'' wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. [[w:Nepenthe|Nepenthe]]! ''Nepenthe!''
:'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]]''': You are so gay.
:'''Observer''': I could be wrong.
</div>

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]''
:'''Man''': What's he doing?
:'''Crow''': Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]''
:'''Dr. Hill''': You better watch where you're going!
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Pretty you may be!
:''[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]''
:'''Crow [as Guard]''': Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
:. . .
:''[Dr. Hill drives away]''
:'''Servo''': Uh... driving she may be!
:''[Dr. Hill is parking her car]''
:'''Crow''': Ah ''parking''! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
:''[The car's engine makes odd noises]''
:'''Mike''': An exhaust system she may need!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]''
:'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Preheat!
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Pre-Heat… in!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Grease and flour cake pans!
:'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Emission Relay.
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Emission Relay… on!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Are We Not Men We Are Devo!|Are we not blokes?]]
:'''Prof. Steiner''': Relay One.
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Relay One… in!
:'''Servo [as Prof. Steiner]''': Really dumb scene… end!

:''[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.]
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]''
:'''Thief''': Gloria?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Thief]''': G-L-O-R-I-A?
:'''Thief''': Gloria!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Thief]''': In excelsis Deo!
:'''Thief''': Gloria!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Thief]''': I hear they got your number.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]''
:'''Inspector Davis''': Can I get on?
:'''Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel]''' Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]''
:'''Crow''': Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
:'''Servo''': Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
:'''Crow''': Do I want the director just killed or should he be ''tortured first''?
:'''Mike''': Crow!
:. . .
:''[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]''
:'''Crow''': Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
:''[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]''

=== The Phantom Planet ===

:''[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Pat Buchanan's first day as President.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Makonnen''': You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
:'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Don't hit him...
:'''Makonnen''': ...if you just take the time to look at it.
:'''Chapman''': You're some guy, Makonnen.
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Makonnen]''': You know, Captain...
:'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Shut ''up'', Ray.
: . . .
:''[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]''
:'''Mike [as Chapman]''' Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]''
:'''Servo [as Chapman, sickly]''': Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your [[w:credit rating|credit rating]]?...rating...rating...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I'm afraid you're not [[w:7-Eleven|7-Eleven]] timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]''
:'''Judge Eden''': Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
:'''Chapman''': I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Chapman]''': …with courage and nudeness.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]''
:'''Chapman''': I don't understand.
:'''Sessom''': There are many things you will not understand here…
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sessom]''': …being an obvious doorknob.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! [[w:Maxwell's Silver Hammer|Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]''
:'''Judge Eden''': The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jury]''': ''[cheering]''
::We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
::G-U-I-L … T-Y!
::Guilty! Guilty!
::G-U-I-L … T-Y!
::Whoo! Yaaaay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]''
:'''Liara''': You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': So people are just balloons?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this is almost as good as [[w:2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_%28film%29|2001]]... nails driven into your eyes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During another flashback sequence...]
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We didn't like these scenes the ''first'' time!
:. . .
:''[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ''ten seconds ago!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]''
:'''White''': Chapman! Chapman!
:'''Servo [as White]''': You got any gum?
:'''White''': Where's Makonnen?
:'''Chapman''': He's dead. Gone.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Chapman]''': He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]''
:'''Chapman''': Now they'll never believe me...
:'''Mike [as Chapman]''': ''[Unemotionally]'' I'll have to kill them all.

===[[w:The Pumaman|Puma Man]]===

:'''Kobras''': Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kobras]''': And there's more salt in ham than in turkey.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jane''': You can't hide this!
:'''Kobras''': Who is to prevent me?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man is hurled out an office building window.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': We're downsizing, Steve!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]''
:'''Crow''': Call our 900 number and vote.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jane''': So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right?
:'''Servo''': In a wrong kind of way, yeah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vadinho''': My name is Vadinho.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': I'm an [[w:Vidalia onion|onion]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]''
:'''Mike''': Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.
:'''Crow''': So basically a mild rain could take out that roof.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony, now Puma Man, flies through the city, which is the city of London, for the first time.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[Singing to the Puma Man theme music]'' Pu-ma Man! He flies like a moron!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]''
:'''Vadinho''': You do not fly, but your mind does.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tony]''': Yeah, thanks, [[w:Carlos Castaneda|Castaneda]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kobras''': Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him.
:'''Crow''': Donald's only use for the word "comb".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots.]''
:'''Mike [as the henchman]''': Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
:...
:''[The henchman gets dropped again.]''
:'''Servo [as the henchman]''': My mustache makes me fall sideways!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.]''
:'''Servo''': Prepare the Effeminate Mobile!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]''
:'''Jane''': I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.
:'''Tony''': Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jane]''': But my will ''won't''!
:'''Jane''': I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Airhead]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his [[world domination]] plans.]''
:'''Kobras''': When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Kobras]''': Stuffing or potatoes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]''
:'''Kobras''': You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man!
:'''Crow''': PU-ma Man!
:'''Mike''': Oh, is that right? Dee-onald?
:'''Kobras''': You're just a small... insignificant... human being!
:'''Servo''': No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kobras''': Because you come from Earth...
:'''Servo [as Kobras]''': Corn grows in you.
:'''Kobras''': And to Earth you shall return!
:'''Mike''': Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]''
:'''Vadinho''': You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': To be left alone—the goal of every great hero!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]''
:'''Crow''': So, basically, the hero is ''this guy''. I think it's time we all face that fact!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe.

=== Werewolf ===
:''[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]''
:'''Servo''': I don't know, you had him last! ''[laughs]''
:'''Crow''': You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
:'''Servo''': Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? ''[laughs]''
:''[Mike enters.]
:'''Mike''': Hey, guys.
:'''Servo''': ''[screams]'' YAH!
:'''Crow''': Mike, the title came up and it said ''Werewolf'', and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
:'''Mike''': ''[chuckles]'' Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
:'''Servo''': Thank you!
:'''Crow''': ''[backpedaling]'' Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
:''[Mike finishes chuckling]''
:'''Crow''': ''[sighs, defeated]'' Good one, Servo.
:'''Servo''': ''[gloating]'' Well, thank you! ''[chuckles]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]''
:'''Billy''': Hey, I got something here!
:'''Crow''': It's [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]''
:'''Crow''': Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': It's a production of ''[[w:Road House|Road House]]'' in the Park.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Noel''': At the risk of sounding nuts...
:'''Crow [as Noel]''': I've replaced my toes with grapes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of the moon]''
:'''Servo [as moon]''': Oh, I ate too much - I am a ''full'' moon!
:'''Mike''': I am gonna hit you so hard...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, wait! It's a gorilla!
:''[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ...With a dog mask on!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]''
:'''Servo''': I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]''
:'''Noel''': Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you?
:'''Crow [as Noel]''': You are married to ''me!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]''
:'''Paul''': I'm actually working on something now.
:'''Natalie''': Really? What's the subject matter?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Paul]''': You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
:'''Mike''': Heh, good one!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]''
:'''Natalie''': What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Noel]''': ''[in Grandma voice]'' You can't handle the truth, deary!
:'''Noel''': In due time, you'll know everything.
:'''Natalie''': Well, maybe then it's too late!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Natalie]''': Paul, you is a wahrwilf!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]''
:'''Natalie''': So it all comes to this?
:'''Servo [as Natalie]''': The... thing that it comes to?
:'''Natalie''': You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Yuri]''': Yes, we ''is''.
:'''Natalie''': But over my dead''BOD''y. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
:'''Servo [as Natalie]''': You is a jerk!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]''
:'''Crow''': Chubby Ramone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]''
:'''Sam''': Werewolf?
:'''Crow [as Paul]''': No, I'm a squirrel monkey; ''OF COURSE'' I'm a werewolf, you...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Pow Wow the Indian Boy|Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:We Will Rock You|We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:The Battle of Kookamonga|Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves|Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:The Lonely Goatherd|High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...]]
:'''Servo''': [[w:Here Comes Santa Claus|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Give It Away (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!]]
:'''Mike''': [[w:Brand New Key|I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey|Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Cat's in the Cradle|And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...]]
:'''Mike''': [[w:Easter Parade (song)|In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...]]
:'''Servo''': [[w:One Night in Bangkok|One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:The Surrey with the Fringe on Top|Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...]]
:'''Mike''': [[w:The Freshmen (song)|We were merely ''fresh''men!]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:Oh! Susanna|Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''

=== The Deadly Bees ===
:''[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]''
:'''Crow''': They named ''every bee''? This is gonna take forever...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Slender British rock band [[w:The Birds (band)|The Birds]] (not the more famous [[w:The Byrds|Byrds]]) perform a song.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Eight Miles High|Eight… miles… ''wrong'']]!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.]
:'''Crow''': Hey, they're growing [[w:Bill the Cat|Bill the Cat]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
:'''Hargrove''': Morning, David.
:'''Hawkins''': Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
:'''Hargrove''': Oh, the usual.
:'''Servo''': 9 A.M., why so late?
:'''Hargrove''': Make it a double, will you?
:'''Crow''': Alright, ''now'' we're in England.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Andy Capp|Andy Capp]]: The Movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]''
:'''Coroner''': Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death?
:'''Hargrove''': The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees.
:'''Coroner''': And her dog?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hargrove]''': Uh, the dog didn't sting her.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Sleigh Bells"]'' Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
:''[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Spice Girls|Nondescript Spice]].
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[Robert Frost#Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (1923)|Whose woods these are?]]
:'''Crow''': Oh, I ''think'' I know.
:'''Mike''': Huh?
:''[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' Killer cookie crumbs!
:'''Crow [as Doris]''': Damn, it's that [[William Butler Yeats#bee-loud_glade|"bee-loud glade"]] that Yeats spoke of.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]''
:'''Crow''': She still lip-syncs better than [[w:Jewel_(singer)|Jewel]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]''
:'''Mike [as Tess]''': Avenge me! Ruff!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]''
:'''Mike [as Hargrove]''': If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The house was made of typing paper and oily rags.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]''
:'''Crow [confused]''': All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
:'''Servo''': Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?

=== The Space Children ===

==== Century 21 Calling (short) ====

:''[In the opening credits, we see: '''Century 21 Calling'''.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh! They want their [[w:Century 21 Real Estate|little gold jacket]] back.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind.
:'''Mike''': Why do you lash out like that?
:'''Crow''': I don't know.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]''
:'''Servo''': The only bathroom in the fair is up there.
:'''Crow''': Well, I'm glad to know the future has '''CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC'''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]''
:'''Crow [as nerdy girl]''': Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]''
:'''Mike''': Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled ''How Do Animals Learn?'']''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A lady at the ''How Do Animals Learn?'' exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]''
:'''Mike [as lady]''': Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bell Woman''': ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest.
:''[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]''
:'''Crow [as nerdy guy]''': The Führer will like that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A little girl phones her grandmother.]''
:'''Grandma''': Hello?
:'''Little Girl''': Hello, Grandma?
:'''Crow [as little girl]''': Where's my money?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]''
:'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' Want someone else on the line?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Customer]''': No.
:'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, andante, maybe.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bell Woman]''': Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]''
:'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
:''[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on ''you''?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ...And in the future there will ''still'' be a two dollar surcharge for using this service ''despite'' the technology having proliferated ''EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET''!

==== The Space Children (movie) ====
:'''Crow''': Remind me to never be a child.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bud]''': ''[mesmerized]'' Yes — [[w:Soupy Sales#New Year's Day incident|I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by [[w:Russell Johnson|Russell Johnson]]), but is finally caught.]''
:'''Crow''': Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by [[w:Gilligan's Island#"And the rest"|"And The Rest"]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]''
:'''Anne Brewster''': How does it tell you, and why?
:'''Bud''': I don't think you'd understand.
:''[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Anne]''': Oh, I'll just go [[w:It's a Good Life (The Twilight Zone)|wish myself into the cornfield]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]''
:'''Dr. Wahrman''': And what does it look like?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brewster]''': Well, it's got a good personality…

=== Hobgoblins ===

:'''Servo''': Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]''
:'''Mike''': What, has he got [[w:Pringles|Pringles]] in his shoes?
:'''Servo''': Proof that janitors walk upright!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dennis opens the vault door.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] is inside [[w:Time Enough At Last|reading]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Member, FDI-''Murder''!
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 ''die''! {{hnote|Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
:'''Mike''': These are the beginning credits!
:'''Servo''': Oh, well, then kill me, please?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]''
:'''Mike''': It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain!
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Take on Me|Take on me...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne''': ''[singing to "[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]"]'' Everybody have sex tonight!
:'''[[w: Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Everybody ''throw up'' tonight.
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ironically, no one in the band [[w:Wang Chung|Wang Chung]] had sex that night.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''McCreedy''': But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried...
:'''Servo''': Sentence fragments. Just phrases.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]''
:'''Crow''': So, does [[w:United Hardware|Hardware Hank]] have a major defense contract, or…?
:. . .
:''[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]''
:'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's also a [[w:Black belt (martial arts)|black belt]] in [[w:Whac-A-Mole|Whac-A-Mole]].
:. . .
:''[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by film''makers''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ''[singing along to generic '80s synth music]''
::It's the '80s!
::Do a lot of [[w:cocaine|coke]] and vote for [[Ronald Reagan]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Hobgoblins form up together]''
:'''Servo''': Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]''
:'''Servo''': Ugh! They made love in their [[w:Chevy Van|Chevy van]] and that is ''not'' alright with me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]''
:'''Crow''': So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]''
:'''Crow''': That is not a woman! That's [[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]!
: . . .
:''[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]''
:'''Servo''': The car will do anything to get out of this movie!
:''[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]
:'''Crow''': In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were ''not'' in the car at the time of the crash!
:''[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]''
:'''Mike [as Kevin]''': Look at that guy wave the [[w:Color gel|gel]] in front of the light!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, great! You just shot down [[w:Air Force One|Air Force One]], you dope!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]''
:'''Servo''': The [[w:Tommy Bartlett|king of the Wisconsin Dells]] finally gets a movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike and the bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]''
:'''Mike Cutout''': This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
:'''Servo Cutout''': It sure is, you know!
:'''Crow Cutout''': Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
:'''Mike Cutout''': Are you kidding me?
:'''Servo Cutout''': Then let's go!
:'''All [singing]''': Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
: . . .
:'''Mike Cutout''': Watch out, here comes one now!
:'''Crow Cutout''': Look out, you little doodad!
:'''Servo Cutout''': Something's sure going to happen!
:''[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]''
:'''Mike Cutout''': Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... ''[Speech fades out.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''McCreedy''': Did I ever tell you what I did during the war?
:'''Kevin''': No, what?
:'''Crow [as McCreedy]''': Shot off my toe and got out!

=== The Touch of Satan ===

:''[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]''
:'''Farmer''': Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mercy?
:'''Farmer''': ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mercy]''': Yeah, ''milk'' me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]''
:'''Mike''': The [[w:American Gothic|American Gothic]] people take revenge.
: . . .
:''[Fade to table of people laughing]''
:'''Crow''': ''[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story]'' And then he ''died''!
:''[all laugh]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Grandma [[w:Cosmo Kramer|Kramer]]!
:'''Mike''': A [[w:kabuki|kabuki]] actor's been hit!
: . . .
:'''Luther''': What happened? What have you done?
:'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]''
:'''Attendant''': That'll be six dollars, even.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
: . . .
:'''Attendant''': See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them ''fromokaidal'' maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
: . . .
:'''Jody''': Yeah, well, nobody needs a ''fromokaidal'' maniac hanging around.
:''[Jody drives off.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Attendant]''': Is that right? I should check my ''dictionotomy''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of the forest]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Trees (Rush song)|But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...]]''
:'''Crow''': ''[stern]'' Mike, stop it '''''now'''''.
:'''Mike''': ...Sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jody''': This your pond?
:''[Lengthy pause]''
:'''Crow [as Jody]''': You can take your time, it's a tough question.
:'''Melissa''': It belongs to my father.
:'''Jody''': Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond?
:'''Servo [as Melissa]''': As long as you don't hit his favorite frog.
:''[''Another'' pause]
:'''Melissa''': I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car?
:'''Jody''': Yeah.
:'''Servo [as Melissa]''': Mind if I skip rocks across it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]''
:'''Melissa''': This is where the fish lives.
:''[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]''
:'''Jody''': Why did you run?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Melissa]''': 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
:'''Melissa''': I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
:''[A pause.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jody]''': You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
:''[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jody]''': This is where my ''tongue'' lives.

<hr width=50%"/>
:''[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]''
:'''Mike [as [[w: Barney Fife|Barney Fife]]]''': I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]''
:'''Crow''': She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]''
:'''Mike [as townsfolk]''': Oh, and "go [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]" too, but mostly burn the witch.
:. . .
:''[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible ([[w:Book of Job|Job]]) to his family.]''
:'''Strickland''': "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Strickland]''': ...said Madeleine.
:'''Strickland''': "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Strickland]''': Tsch. Bunch of crap.
:'''Strickland''': "A dreadful sound is in his ears."
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Strickland]''': It's [[w:Paula Cole|Paula Cole]], I think.
:'''Strickland''': "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
:''[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]''
:'''Strickland''': What is it, child?
:'''Young Lucinda''': I thought I heard something.
:'''Strickland''': Pay attention to the word of God.
:'''Servo [as Strickland]''': For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
:'''Strickland''': "Yea..."
:'''Crow [as Strickland]''': "...team!"
:'''Strickland''': "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
:'''Mike [as Strickland]''': "...by ten-thirty…"
:'''Strickland''': "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
:'''Servo [as Daughter]''': Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
:. . .
:''[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]''
:'''Mrs. Strickland''': What is it, David?
:'''Crow''': It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
:'''Young Melissa''': Papa, what is it?
:'''Crow''': ''[irritated]'' People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at ''all''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing along]'' "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice."

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]''
:'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened!

=== Gorgo ===

:''[Over the title screen]''
:'''Mike''': The [[w:Al Gore|Vice President]]'s unimaginative campaign slogan.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]''
:'''Mike''': And...?
:''[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, they're fine!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]]"]''
::They got into port and everyone was okay.
::They went out for lunch and felt better...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]''
:'''Sam''': Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
:'''Mike''': Poor dopes, they [[w:Brigadoon|appear every hundred years]] and get hit by a huge storm.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]''
:'''McCartin''': After you load with water… you leave. Tonight!
:'''Joe''': The sooner, the better!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe/Cheerleader]''': The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sam/Cheerleader]''': Yay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]''
:'''Mike''': Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by [[w:Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]] or infested by leprechauns they've got ''this'' guy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]''
:'''Crow [as sailor]''': Am in Ireland, send real food.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]''
:'''Crow''': I didn't know elephants exploded on impact!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]''
:'''Servo''': Maybe [[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]] flies in and kicks his ass?
:'''Mike''': ''That'' I'd pay to see.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
:'''Servo''': Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
:'''Crow''': Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
:'''Servo''': D'oh!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work!
:'''Crow''': ''[lewdly]'' Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
:'''Mike''': That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I—
:''[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]''
:'''Mike''': You know what I mean. Stop it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]''
:'''Servo''': Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]''
:'''Sean''': She's going back now—back to the sea.
:'''Servo [as Sean]''': ...With the blood of many on her scales.

=== The Final Sacrifice ===

:''[On the SOL, Gypsy turned off the power for maintenance. The Bots have looted the SOL]''
:'''Crow''': If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]''
:'''Mike''': I understand everything up to the word "A".
:'''Crow''': He comes from a long line of great anuses.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': That's an [[w:anagram|anagram]] for "direct to video!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the name Bharbara Egan.]''
:'''Crow''': That's an illegal use of a silent consonant!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]''
:'''Mike''': You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it.
:'''Servo''': Already.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]''
:'''Servo''': Seven years after the ''credits''?
:'''Mike''': ''[confused]'' I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as figure]''': Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Heh... you know, people are just ''dying'' to—
:'''Tom''': ''[sharply]'' '''''No.'''''
:'''Mike''': ...Sorry.
:. . .
:''[Troy visits his father's grave.]''
:'''Troy''': ''[voiceover]'' Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Troy's Father]''': I ''died''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Troy enters his attic.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays.
:. . .
:''[Troy opens a trunk.]''
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters.
:'''Servo''': Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown.
:'''Mike [as Troy]''': I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Troy]''': Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk.
:''[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]''
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon.
:''[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Larry Czonka|Larry Czonka]]!
:''[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]''
:'''Servo [as Troy]''': Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': I've got to find the warranty on this sweater.
:''[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "[[w:Lost Lemon Mine|LEMON MINE]]".]''
:'''Mike''': No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]''
:'''Servo''': It's ''open!''
:. . .
:'''Crow [as henchman]''': Can I interest you in a replacement door?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]''
:'''Mike''': Canadian villain Garth Vader. {{hnote|Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]''
:'''Mike [as Cultist]''': Damn you, Pee-Wee!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]''
:'''Crow''': Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': What's your name, laddie?
:'''Troy''': Troy MacGregor.
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater!
:''[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]''
:'''Mike''': Rowsdowermobile, ''away''!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]''
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with?
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': They're from [[w:Saskatchewan|Saskatchewan]]!
:'''Troy''': No.
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': It's a cult.
:'''Servo [as Rowsdower]''': They worship [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|blue oysters]].
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': They want to rule the world.
:'''Troy''': How do you know?
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': I've been around, kid.
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': And I've been a square kid.
:'''Servo''': D'oh!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[imitating the engine]'' Rowsdower-er-er-er-er...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Rowsdower''': Go to hell!
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Or at least [[w:Edmonton|Edmonton]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]''
:'''Troy''': '''FOOD!'''
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Yeah, no beer, though.
:'''Pipper''': Hey! Who goes there?!
:'''Servo [as Troy]''': More '''FOOD!'''
:'''Pipper''': What the hell you doin' here?!
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': We were eating your '''FOOD!'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]''
:'''Pipper''': McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
:'''Troy''': Yeah! Did you know him?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Pipper]''': Know him? He was delicious!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
:'''Servo''': Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:We Will Rock You|You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...]]
:'''Crow and Servo''': We will, we will ROWSDOWER!
:'''Crow''': SING IT!
:''[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]''
:'''Crow''': We will, we... ''[normally]'' Oh, guess that's over.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Troy is tied up and Rowsder gives him a knife to cut the rope]''
:'''Mike [as Troy]''': I dropped it.
:'''Mike [as Troy]''': Which is the sharp side?
:'''Mike [as Troy]''': Um, I cut both my wrists.
:'''Mike [as Troy]''': Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]''
:'''Servo [as Satoris]''': You shot me in the butt! What the ''hell?!'' You shot me ''IN THE BUTT!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]''
:'''Servo''': Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world!
:'''Crow''': He comes to save the day in a broken truck.
:'''Mike''': With a stinky denim jacket on his back.
:'''Crow''': He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked!
:'''Mike''': But at least we didn't have to see him play ''[falters]'' h-hackey sack....
:'''Servo''': ''What?!''
:'''Mike''': Sorry, I panicked.

=== Devil Fish ===

:''[The film's title is shown.]''
:'''Servo:''' The story of [[w:Aleister Crowley|Aleister]] [[w:Crappie|Crappie]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]''
:'''Peter''': Janet! Janet!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Peter]''': Oh, sorry, I forgot. [[Janet Jackson#nasty-names|I'm nasty, Miss Jackson]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]''
:'''Dr. Davis''': Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor.
:'''Dr. West''': In his hands.
:'''Dr. Davis''': Exactly.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Davis]''': Yeah, thanks for helping me out there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]''
:'''Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]''': Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade!
:'''Servo''': I bet they hired every nature-hating ''psycho'' in Dade County.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': See the Human Lady!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]''
:'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number one. Report in.
:'''Squad Member''': Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.
:'''Crow [as Squad Member]''': [[w:You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet|B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet]], over.
: . . .
:'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two!
:'''Servo [as dead squad member]''': We done been et, over!
: . . .
:'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two!
:'''Crow''': Oh, they'll be [[wikt:number two|number two]] soon enough.
: . . .
:''[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]''
:'''Servo [as Devil Fish]''': ''[singing to Neil Young's "[[w:Southern Man|Southern Man]]"]'' Southern man, gonna eat your head!
: . . .
:''[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]''
:'''Crow''': Well, this should take care of ''every living '''thing''''' in the Everglades.
: . . .
:''[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]''
:'''Servo [as Sheriff]''': Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!
:'''Crow''': Does the Coast Guard have a ''lot'' of use for flamethrowers?
: . . .
:''[Close up of burning water.]''
:'''Mike''': Eww, someone threw a match on the [[w:Cuyahoga River|Cuyahoga River]].

=== The Screaming Skull ===

==== Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short) ====

:'''Crow [as Gumby]''': One of my classmates died in the kiln today, ''mother''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom Servo''': The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, don't! That's [[w:Wallace and Gromit|Wallace and Gromit]]'s yard!
:''[Another robot chops down a tree.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! That's old-growth clay!
:. . .
:''[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Habitat for Humanity|Habitat ''Against'' Humanity]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]''
:'''Crow [as Weatherman]''': It's a fair to partly-cottony day…

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gumby's Mother''': Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk!
:'''Servo''': ''Crackers?'' Wow! Maybe they can have ''white rice'' later!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]''
:'''Crow [as mobster]''': [[Goodfellas|Gotta move this body back upstate.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Liquid metal!]]
:''[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]''
:'''Mike [as Gumby]:''' Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]''
:'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Thank goodness for the internal genitalia!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]''
:'''Crow [as Gumby's Mother]''': That squares my breasts!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]''
:'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Son, I'm gunna need a can of [[w:Play-Doh|Play-Doh]] to replace my butt.'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]''
:'''Servo''': Aah! They hung his head! Oh…
:'''Crow''': Now I'm ready for years of powerful [[w:Alfred Adler|Adlerian]] therapy, Mike.
:'''Servo''': They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than ''[[Se7en]]''!
:'''Mike''': Hey! His bump is on the other side!

==== The Screaming Skull (movie) ====

:'''Eric''': Jenni, this is Mickey.
:'''Mike [as Eric]''': Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[Hamlet#Act V|Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Rev. Snow]''': Have you tried talking to ''your'' minister about this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]''
:'''Servo [as Eric]''': Don't you make that skull face at me, missy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]''
:'''Crow''': ''[impatient]'' Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]''
:'''Crow''': ''GET A BOX!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Kiri Te Kanawa|Kiri Te Kanawa]] is drunk again!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, great! She's playing her [[w:Yoko Ono#Musical career|Yoko Ono]] albums.
:'''Mike''': I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, ''semicolon'', Skull".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]''
:'''Mike''': Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]''
:'''Crow''': Everyone knows it's [[w:Slinky|Slink-skull!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So, this movie's kind of a combination of "[[w:The Tell-Tale Heart|The Tell-Tale Heart]]", ''[[w:Blithe Spirit|Blithe Spirit]]'', and...well, a piece of lint, I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.]
:'''Crow''': Settled in a divot.
:''[The skull twitches.]
:'''Servo''': Woof!

=== [[w:Quest of the Delta Knights|Quest of the Delta Knights]] ===

:'''Crow''': Well, better than "Quest of the [[w:Delta Burke|Delta Burke]]", I suppose

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] was in office.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[David Warner appears.]''
:'''Crow [as David Warner]''': ''[apologetic]'' In it for the money, folks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]''
:'''Baydool''': ¿Como te llamas?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': Yeah, [[w:Taco Bell chihuahua|yo quiero Taco Bell]], whatever.
: . . .
:'''Baydool''': Comment vous-appelez vous?
:'''Crow [as Tee]''': Je m'appelle… Bite Me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]''
:'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Tee]''': I'll see if [[w:Tom Bombadil|Bombadil]] has a place to crash.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tee''': I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master".
:'''Crow [as Tee]''': Right, [[w:Masturbation|Mr. Bater]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]''
:'''Pearl''': Ew, wizard whiz!
:'''Crow''': Drain the wizard!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': [[w:Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em|Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Slave]''': Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?
: . . .
:'''Lord Vultare''': We've rounded up a number of suspects.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vultare]''': …[[w:The Usual Suspects|including Kevin Spacey]].
:'''Lord Vultare''': I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.
:'''Mannerjay''': What of the map?
:'''Lord Vultare''': No word. It seems…
:'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Vultare]''': …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]''
:'''Baydool''': These will put anyone to sleep in no time.
:'''Crow''': They're tiny [[w:James Michener|James Michener]] books!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]''
:'''Tom''': The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]''
:'''Loony Henchman''': I'm com-iiiing!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Prince]''': Put a sock in it, [[w:Legolas|Legolas]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tee''': When in doubt, rest.
:'''Crow''': You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Tee [[w:Mr. T|pities the fool]] who gets in his way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Vultare]''': [[w:Engrish|Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation]].

== Season 10 ==

=== Soultaker ===

:''[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Soultaker/Cash]''': ''[singing to "[[w:I Walk the Line|I Walk the Line]]"]'' Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to [[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]].]''
:'''Servo''': I'm [[Ed Bradley]]...
:'''Mike''': I'm [[w:Steve Kroft|Steve Kroft]]...
:'''Crow''': I'm [[w:Lesley Stahl|Lesley Stahl]]...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title card swoops into view.]''
:'''Servo [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': The [[w:Soul Train|SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.]
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's not Natalie, that's [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]!
:. . .
:''[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]''
:'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': You're dead, [[w:Nancy Kerrigan|Nancy Kerrigan]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[some jokes about Brad's car]''
:'''Crow''': Ugh, that car must reek of [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]!
: . . .
:'''Mike''': I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of [[w:Marlboro_%28cigarette%29|Marlboro Lights]] and [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]] out of the upholstery!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]''
:'''Natalie''': Karen!
:'''Mike [as Karen]''': Sorry! [[w:Up Where We Belong|Love is lifting me up where I belong!]]
:. . .
:''[Natalie stomps in frustration.]''
:'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': The lace on my skate broke!
: . . .
:''[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]''
:'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': [[w:Jeff Gillooly|Jeff Gillooly]] did it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by [[w:Joe Estevez|Joe Estevez]]) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.]
:'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]]. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.]
:'''Mike [as tree]''': Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]''
:'''Mike''': She's survived by her Danskins.
: . . .
:''[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Natalie/Tonya]''': Whoa! [[w:Salchow jump|Triple salchow]] really takes it out of you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]''
:'''Tommy''': What do you want?
:'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Do you have a phone, so I can call [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin]] to take over my role?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]''
:'''The Soultaker''': ''[ominously]'' It's Closing Time!
:'''Servo''': Does that mean that [[w:Closing Time (Semisonic song)|every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]''
:'''Tommy''': Thanks!
:''[The woman laughs it off.]''
:'''Mike [as Woman]''': I just got assaulted, it's fun!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]''
:'''Natalie''': My mom! He's done something to my mom!
:'''Zach''': No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
:'''Natalie''': What?
:'''Mike [as Zach/Actor]''': Hey, look—you wrote this crap!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing in [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]]/[[w:talkbox|talkbox]] voice]'' I wanna thank you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]''
:'''Brad''': You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
:'''Crow''': We have! Can we go?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]''
:'''Crow [as Soultaker]''': Muhuhahahahaha! You're ''it!''
:'''Soultaker''': It's all over now.
:'''Servo''': Oh, ho, I wish that were true!

=== Girl in Gold Boots ===

:''The movie opens with scantily clad women dancing.''
:'''Servo''': Ah, shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]''
:'''Crow''': What happens when you touch ''gold''?
:'''Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]''': Everything I touch turns to flies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Michelle's Father''': Don't get smart with me!
:'''Michelle''': I'm ''not'' getting smart!
:'''Mike [as Michelle]''': I ''can't''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]''
:'''Buz''': What's wrong?
:'''Crow [as Michelle]''': I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''' [voice over]''' there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out)
:'''Crow''': You can say that ag-

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Buz]''': Wh... oh, a ''gun''. So ''that'' was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Critter''': I'll have ten Hershey bars.
:'''Crow''': ''Tin'' Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
:'''Michelle''': That'll be one dollar.
:'''Servo [as Critter]''': I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
:'''Critter''': Can you cash a hundred?
:'''Michelle''': I've never even seen one!
:'''Critter''': Fifty?
:''[Michelle shakes her head "no."]''
:'''Mike [as Critter]''': Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]''
:'''Servo [as Buz]''': I'm back!
:...
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Anybody notice that I'm here now?
:...
:'''Crow [as Buz]''': C'mon, I just ''teleported'' here! It's impressive!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Critter''': Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of [[w:Nepal|Nepalese]] money.
:'''Crow''': From the land of Nipples!
: . . .
:''[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]''
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Your money's from [[w:Senegal|Senegal]]!
: . . .
:''[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]''
:'''Critter''': Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
:'''Mike [as Critter]''': Ah, here's some [[w:Guatemalan_quetzal|Guatemalan quetzal]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gas Station Attendant''': Will this be cash or charge?
:'''Buz''': Cash.
:''[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]''
:'''Crow''': On second thought, I'll just put it on my ''gun''!
:'''Servo''': Heh, that guy's totally ''pistol''-whipped, man.
: . . .
:''[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]''
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
:'''Servo [as Buz]''': Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She makes [[w:The Little Kicks|Elaine Benes]] look like a good dancer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]''
:'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[politely]'' Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"?
:''[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]''
:'''Servo [as Man]:''' No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]''
:'''Harry''': I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. ''[Points to Buz.]''
:'''Mike''': Boy?!
: . . .
:'''Leo''': Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. ''[Pulls Buz aside.]''
:'''Servo''': I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Buz]''': Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!
: . . .
:''[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]''
:'''Harry''': I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.
:''[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]''
:'''Mike [as Harry]''': Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people ''and'' I killed a guy!
:'''Servo''': Well, what do you expect, he's ''only a child''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, so he learns he ''enjoys'' violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta.
: . . .
:''[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
:'''Mike''': So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
: . . .
:'''Servo''': She's dancing the specials at [[w:T.G.I. Friday's|T.G.I. Friday's]].
:'''Crow''': Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the [[w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]] grill.
: . . .
:'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're living a lie.
:'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' You gotta come down.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You dance like a clown.
:'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' By and by.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' I hope that you ''die''!

=== Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders ===
:'''Pearl [introducing the movie]''': I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called ''Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'', and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]''
:'''[[w:Ernest Borgnine|Grandpa]]''': Uh-oh!
:'''Crow [as Grandpa]''': We better eat all the ice cream!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the star]''': ''[straining]'' Twinkle! ''[grunts]'' That's all I got.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cooper''': ''[snidely]'' Allow me to introduce myself.
:'''Servo [as Cooper]''': I'm Bob Jackass.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]''
:'''Servo [as Cooper]''': Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]''
:'''Mike''': Clearly, Merlin has brought ''good'' into the world!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miffy]''': Meow, meow... [[w:Marathon Man|safe! Meow, meow... very safe!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]''
:'''Servo [as Madeline]''': Honey? You okay down there?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Cooper]''': Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]''
:'''Merlin''': Don't I get a kiss?
:'''Zurella''': You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
:'''Mike''': So, she threatened him with sex?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]''
:'''Mike''': Why, here's something else Satan created: [[w:anime|Japanimation]]!
:'''Servo''': It's the anime version of [[w:Peter_Rabbit|Peter Rabbit]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]''
:'''David''': God help me!
:'''Servo [as God]''': Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. ''[muttering]'' You're on your own.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Merlin]''': I'm going to hit the mystical can.
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Merlin]''': Remember to believe in magic... or I'll ''kill'' you.

<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]''': I did a good job painting this room

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as the kid]''': No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
:'''Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]''': Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]''
:'''Merlin''': Heed my words....
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...munch my shorts....

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]''
:'''Cooper''': Do you know who ''I'' am? ''I'' am the supreme being!
:'''Servo''': [[w:Eric Clapton|Clapton]]?
:'''Cooper''': I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[laughs]'' Why?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]''
:'''Merlin''': Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...you fine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] ''': Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Kid]''': ''[slowly]'' Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]''
:'''Cooper''': You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Cooper]''': My cheek-lines disagree.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grandpa]''': I have another script called ''[[Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]'', but I don't like it as much.

=== Future War ===
:''[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In association with Bob [[w:Tet Offensive|Tet Offensive]] Productions.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits identify actor [[w:Robert Z'Dar|Robert Z'Dar]].]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh z'no.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor [[w:Daniel Bernhardt|Daniel Bernhardt]]) creeps along a wall.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Jean Claude Van Damme|Jean Claude Van Damme]]!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
:''[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Fred]''': Am I [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]? I can't remember.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A midget [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|Tyrannosaurus rex]] (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]''
:'''Crow:''' He's a Cute-a-saurus!
:''[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]''
:'''Servo''': He's being attacked by a [[w:schnauzer|schnauzer]] in a dinosaur costume.
:''[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
:''[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]''
:'''Servo''': Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
: . . .
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
: . . .
:''[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]''
:'''Crow''': He's ''boxed'' in!
:'''Mike''': Yeah, well, I'm card-''bored''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''':Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty
:'''Servo''' ''[makes whistle sound]'' fifteen yards.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]''
:'''Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]''': So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ann''': Hey, how did you know who I was?
:'''Officer''': Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
:'''Mike''': Fred Burrows?
:'''Servo''': Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.
...
:''[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]''
:'''Crow [as the Runaway]''': Fred Burrows! Help me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]''
:'''Ann''': DRIIIIIVE!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Surge (soft drink)|SUUUUURGE!]]
:'''Ann''': ''DRIIIIIIIIVE!''
:'''Crow [as driver]''': Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go ''faster'', then you need to tell me that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Introducing new, faster seconds!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]''
:'''Crow [as Ann]''': I'm ''fretting''. See, audience? I'm ''fretting''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]''
:'''Crow''': OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]''
:'''Mike''': ''Huh??''
:'''Servo''': The movie that packs more "''Huh''s" per second!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ann''': Everything he wanted was everything I needed...
:'''Crow [as Ann]''': So neither of us actually got anything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain.

=== Blood Waters of Dr. Z ===

:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please enjoy a fish anus.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the [[w:walking catfish|walking catfish]] moves.]''
:'''Narrator''': Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...like [[w:Courtney Love|Courtney Love]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]''
:'''Mike''': He's a [[wikt:cop a feel|Cop-a-feel]]-[[w:Coelacanth|acanth]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her [[w:jumpsuit|jumpsuit]].]''
:'''Servo''': Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A-are you sure you're buying the right ''kind'' of jumpsuit?
:'''Mike''': Hmmm...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? ''[[w:Catfish Hunter|Catfish Hunter]]'', that's who! Ha ha ha!
:'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.
:'''Servo''': ''[deflated]'' Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.
:'''Mike''': But it only works if you get the correct, current name.
:'''Servo''': ''[disappointed]'' So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Tom, are... are you sulking?
:'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' No!
:'''Mike''': Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...
:'''Crow''': No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...
:'''Mike''': Ssshh! He's suffered enough.

=== Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues ===

:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]''
:'''Mike''': A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a [[w:Green Bay Packers|cheese wedge]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]''
:'''Servo''': And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying ''rat''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]''
:'''Doc''': Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
:'''Servo [as Doc]''': Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike [as Lockhart]''': We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]''
:'''Crow [as Lockhart]''': Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]''
:'''Servo''': Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the [[w:War of Northern Aggression|War against Northern Aggression]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tim is walking around shirtless]''
:'''Crow''': Geez, kid, do a push-up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]''
:'''Mike [as the Creature]''': Well, I'll be damned... farmers ''do'' exist!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]''
:'''Crow [as Tim]''': Can I borrow a cup of shirt?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Lucy Lawless|Lucy Bra-less]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Leslie''': ''[Over a walkie-talkie.]'' Tanya, do you read?
:'''Mike [as Tanya]''': Third grade level!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]''
:'''Crow [as Doc]''': Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my [[w:gaydar|gaydar]].
:. . .
:'''Doc''': ''[over CB]'' Tim?
:'''Crow [as Tim]''': Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]''
:'''Leslie''': ''[over the walkie-talkie]'' He's close to you!
:'''Doc''': My left or my right?
:'''Servo''': Well, which way are you ''facing'', idiot?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]''
:'''Mike [as Doc]''': I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets.

=== Track of the Moon Beast ===

:''[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]''
:'''Kathy''': Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
:'''Paul''': Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Paul]''': Like [[w:Wahoo McDaniel|Wahoo McDaniel]].
:'''Paul''': It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy]''': Oh! Is he seeing anyone?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]''
:'''Crow [as God]''': Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]''
:'''Kathy''': Paul, are you alright? What happened?
:'''Servo''': She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" ''a lot.''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]''
:'''Paul''': I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.
:'''Servo''': Dozens! No, ''hundreds'' of antiseptics!
:'''Kathy''': Your place?
:'''Paul''': Yeah, my place.
:'''Mike''': I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
:'''Kathy''': Fine. Your place, then.
:''[Thunder rumbles.]''
:'''Crow [as God]''': Not his place! Fornicators!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Paul]''': Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul rises after fainting.]''
:'''Paul''': I guess I blacked out.
:'''Mike''': Um, ''excuse'' me, you ''African-Americaned'' out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.'']''
:'''Mike''': He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
:'''Crow''': Maybe he has a trampoline in there.
: . . .
:''[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]''
:'''Mike [as Lizard]''': Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]''
:'''Crow''': Tha— That's just a picture of the moon!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]''
:'''Mike [as Boy]''': Thanks for the stereotype music!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]''
:'''Mike''': Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.{{hnote|''... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for [[w:U.S. Route 66|U.S. Route 66]].]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Route 66 (song)|Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]''
:'''Kathy''': Johnny, you can't ''do'' this! Paul's your ''friend''! Paul—
:'''Johnny''': ''PAUL'' IS NOT ''PAUL'' ANYMORE!
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': HE'S ''[[w:Superman|SUPER PAUL]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]''
:'''Servo [as Johnny]''': I see... [[w:Native American gambling enterprises|a huge casino]]!
:'''Mike''': Oh, come on.

=== Final Justice ===

:'''Mike''': Aw, can't I have just ''one more'' justice?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]''
:'''Crow''': In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]''
:'''Palermo''': ''[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.]'' You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ...what?
:'''Servo''': Huh. What do you think he's a son of? [[w:Son_of_a_Preacher_Man|Son of a preacher man]]? [[w:Son_of_a_Son_of_a_Sailor_(song)|Son of a son of a sailor]], maybe?
: . . .
:'''Palermo''': You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''Servo [as Palermo]''': Uh... something!
: . . .
:'''Geronimo''': Get off your knees, you son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': Same thing you said!
: . . .
:'''Palermo''': I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''Servo [as Palermo]''': I'll kill you, but I won't curse you!
: . . .
:''[Much, much later in the movie...]''
:'''Servo''': Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Geronimo''': You've got the right to remain silent.
:'''Mike''': Oh, he ''is'' a real cop!
:'''Geronimo''': ''[Knocks the suspect out.]'' And all that other ****.
:'''Mike''': ...oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]''
:'''Wilson''': Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
:'''Mike [as Wilson]''': That's hard to do!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Guests of ''Final Justice'' fly TWA.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.]
:'''Servo''': Ugh, he's sweating [[w:palm oil|palm kernel oil]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Announcer]''': Cars provided by [[w:Matchbox|Matchbox]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Maltese taxi driver''': Do you know [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]?
:'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': [[w:John Wayne Gacy|Gacy]], yes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]''
:'''Crow''': Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts!
: . . .
:''[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]''
:'''Servo''': And God sends a door chassis from Heaven.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Geronimo''': Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
:'''Crow [as Geronimo]''': Can I get a balloon?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Guess he's a... [[w:Thelonious Monk|felonious monk]]!
:. . .
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Palermo]''': I'm gonna [[w:95 Theses|nail some theses]] to his head!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]], Texas Ranger.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]''
:'''Servo''': Our hero: a big, stinky cheater!

=== Hamlet ===

:''[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]''
:'''Mike''': San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The members of court are performing a dance.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hamlet]''': Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
: . . .
:''[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Hamlet]''': ''[in stoner voice]'' Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on [[w:Akvavit|aquavit]] — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Hamlet]''': Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as the Ghost]''': SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]''
:'''Ophelia''': My prince…
:'''Servo [as Ophelia]''': … are back from [[w:Fotomat|Fotomat]].
: . . .
:'''Hamlet''': I never gave you aught.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ophelia]''': Tscha!
:'''Ophelia''': My honored prince… you know right well you did.
:'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Right well did ''not''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''King Claudius''': I like him not...
:'''Crow [as Claudius]''': I like him. NOT!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hamlet''': To be or not to be...
:'''Mike''': The literary equivalent of "[[w:Beethoven's 5th Symphony|Da-da-da-dunnn!]]"
:'''Hamlet''': That is the question.
:'''Crow''': I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.
:'''Hamlet''': Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
:'''Servo''': Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!
:'''Hamlet''': Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?
:'''Mike''': Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
:'''Hamlet''': To die: to sleep.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.
:'''Hamlet''': No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...
:'''Mike''': Ok, we need a predicate, now.
:'''Hamlet''':...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
:'''Crow''': Especially with Ophelia, man! ''[snickers]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, you...
:'''Hamlet''': To die, to sleep.
:'''Servo''': To SLEEP!
:'''Mike''': Whoa, that's an old chesnut.
:'''Hamlet''': To sleep...
:'''Servo''': To ''SLEEEEEP''
:'''Hamlet''': Perchance to DREAM?
:'''Servo''': The impossible DREAM?
:'''Hamlet''': Aye, there's the rub.
:'''Mike''': I knew I had some rub left...
: . . .
:'''Hamlet''': ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
:'''Crow''': Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.
:'''Hamlet''': Who would fardels bear...
:'''Mike'''': Ha, fardels...
: . . .
:'''Hamlet''': And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--
:'''Servo''': SUM UP!
:'''Hamlet''': --that we know not of?
: . . .
:'''Mike''': So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.'']''
:'''Hamlet''': Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
:'''Crow [as Polonius]''': Oh, right, it's ''my'' fault you killed me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hamlet''': Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum.
:'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Fifty thousand, maybe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]''
:'''Hamlet''': Give us the foils.
:'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': We shall some potatoes bake.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]''
:'''Claudius''': Here, to thy health.
:'''Servo [as Claudius]''': ...coming to a sudden end.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]''
:'''Mike [as Claudius]''': Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]''
:'''Mike''': Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball".

=== It Lives by Night ===

:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, ''it'' shouldn't drink so much coffee!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kipling]''': Posed like this in ''[[w:Playgirl|Playgirl]]'', only without my pants!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]''
:'''Mike [as Kipling]''': Um... do you have any drug allergies?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]''
:'''Cathy''': Dr. Kipling?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cathy]''': [[w:Rikki-Tikki-Tavi|Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's]] waiting for you.
: . . .
:'''Dr. Kipling''': Mrs. Beck...
:'''Mike [as Kipling]''': ...[[w:Loser (Beck song)|you're a loser, baby]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]''
:'''Crow''': Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]''
:'''Crow''': Now, wait a minute... how did ''she'' turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...
:''[Pause]''
:'''Crow''': ''[horrified]'' ...''Oh, my god.''
:'''Tom''': ''[disgusted]'' GAH!
:''[They rush out of the theater]''
:'''Crow''': OH MY GOD! I get the shower first!
:'''Tom''': No, me first!
:'''Mike''': Urgh!

=== Horrors of Spider Island ===

:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': It's a dames and broads audition.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]''
:'''Servo''': Lucky sign!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Linda begins stripping during the interview]''
:'''Linda:''' Shall I dance for you?
:'''Crow:''' Yes! For God's sakes, yes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]''
:'''Crow [as Gary]''': I see a [[w:Fantasy Island|tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]''
:'''Mike''': Man, they're future [[w:Jesse Ventura|governors of Minnesota]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]''
:'''Joe''': For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': But I like [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]!
: . . .
:''[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': Boy! Defending my [[w:misogyny|misogyny]] ''really'' takes commitment!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]''
:'''Georgia''': Gary!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Georgia]''': Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
:'''Gary''': This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gary]''': Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gary]''': It's pretty windy too! And high humidity!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]''
:'''Mike''': Look at that shadow - it's [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of [[w:Vince Guaraldi|Vince Guaraldi]]-esque piano music.]''
:'''Crow''': Soundtrack by Schroeder.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]''
:'''Mike''': ...hey!
:''[The words "The End" abruptly appear]''
:'''Servo''': So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!

=== Squirm ===

==== A Case of Spring Fever (short) ====
[the title is shown]
:'''Servo''': Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Coily the Spring Sprite''': So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Coily]''': ...In HELL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': So, one clod says one thing and the ''whole world'' pays???
:'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]''
:'''Coily''': Hey! The door!
:'''Servo [as Coily]''': I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]''
:'''Coily''': Noooo springs! ''[laughs]''
:'''Gilbert''': Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish.
:'''Coily''': ''[rubs chin in thought]'' Wellll...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Coily]''': NO!
:'''Coily''': Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again!
:. . .
:''[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]''
:'''Gilbert''': ''[After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.]'' Too bad...
:'''Servo [as Gilbert]''': ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened!
: . . .
:'''Gilbert''': You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Gilbert]''': ...by anti-spring extremists.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]''
:'''Gilbert''': I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as friend]''': ''Guns'', huh?
: . . .
:'''Gilbert''': Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! ''[inexplicably looks into sky]''
:'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': Hey, look! ''God'' has a spring!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]''
:'''Gilbert''': Hey, Joe! Wake up!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gilbert]''': It's Coily's army of darkness! Look!
: . . .
:'''Joe''': You and your springs! I hope I never see another—
:'''Gilbert''': ''Stop!'' Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live!
:''[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Coily]''': ''You'll'' be the first to die!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]''
:'''Crow''': Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your [[w:preserves|preserves]] in a convenient place!

==== Squirm (movie) ====

:''[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]''
:'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': Well, I don't know why, but okay.
:''[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]''
:'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': ''[dramatically]'' [[w:The Beverly Hillbillies|Of a man named Jed!]]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Granny Clampett]''': JEDDDDD!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]''
:'''Roger''': You gonna be da worm face!
:'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': No, ''you'' gonna be da worm face!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]''
:'''Mama''': Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
:'''Mike [as Geri]''': Mom, you don't even ''have'' a butt.
:'''Mama''': I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Geri]''': Mother! That's private.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mama Sanders''': ''[in her exaggerated Southern accent]'' I never saw such a storm...
:'''Crow [as Mama]''': I do hope [[Gone with the Wind|Ashley Wilkes]] can get through.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]''
:'''Geri''': Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases.
:'''Mama Sanders''': Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mama Sanders]''': ... along with Daddy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]''
:'''Mick''': No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark.
:'''Servo [as Geri]''': Mom cracked in 1953.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]''
:'''Servo [as Roger/[[w:Stevie_Wonder|Stevie Wonder]]]''': [[w:Isn't She Lovely?|Isn't she lovely?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]
:'''Servo [as Coily]''': Noooo springs!

=== Danger: Diabolik! ===

:''[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing along with the music]'' Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''':Y'know, this music would be better with women in [[w:Bikini|bikinis]] shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Diabolik]''': Let's have a [[w:Tantra|tantric]] quickie.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Eva]''': Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store.
:'''Servo''': This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh! She's a ''great'' samaritan!
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]''
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': This will fool them unless they look at it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]''
:'''Mike''': Wow! ''Dangerously'' steep stairs!
:'''Servo''': You're watching the ''stairs''?
:'''Crow''': Poor Mike...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]''
:'''Servo''': They're really gonna have to get their [[w:Money laundering|money laundered]].
:'''Crow''': [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]] and his wife!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': You know, with ''my'' budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Paper cuts are brutal.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': The young [[w:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]]!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Got greed?
:'''Servo''': Member, FDIC! ''[chuckles]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Dan Quayle|Dan Quayle]] announces his candidacy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]''
:'''Mike''': The S. S. [[w:Jo Anne Worley|Jo Anne Worley]]!
:'''Valmont''': Is that Stud... coming?
:'''Crow''': I beg your pardon?
:''[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]''
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': My steel, reusable [[w:Fleet (laxative)|Fleet]].
:'''Mike [as Diabolik]''': Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]''
:'''Servo''': This has been the official [[w:Biographical film|biopic]] of [[w:Larry Fine (actor)|Larry Fine]].{{hnote|The series' final riff}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At home, the gang watches ''[[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]]'', the first film in ''MST3K's'' cable run.]''
:'''Servo''': "The Crawling Eye". The [[w:Marty Feldman|Marty Feldman]] Story.
:'''Mike''': Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in.
:'''Crow''': [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?]]
:'''Servo''': Hmmm.{{hnote|And thus ends the era of an old series. But a new generation is yet to come.}}

==Season 11==
===Reptilicus===
:'''Kinga Forrester''': I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars!

<hr width="50%">
:''[as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill]''
:'''Miner''': Bones?
:'''Jonah''': [[w:Star Trek: The Original Series|Jim]]!
:'''Miner''': Fossil bones.
:'''Jonah''': Fossil Jim!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Crow''': Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie!
:'''Jonah''': Okay, out.
:'''Crow''': What? But that's Shakespeare!
:'''Jonah''': Out!
:'''Crow''': Oh, c'mon...

<hr width="50%">
:'''Servo''': Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack.

<hr width="50%">
:''[as the scenes cut rapidly]''
:'''Servo''': Door is ajar.
:'''Crow''': The temperature is negative five degrees!
:'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
:'''Servo''': The time is 5:06 a.m.
:'''Crow''': The temperature is ten degrees!
:'''Servo''': Door is ajar.
:'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone.
:'''Servo''': The time is 8:06 a.m.
:'''Crow''': The temperature is twenty degrees!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Crow''': Only God can play God, and sometimes Morgan Freeman!

===Cry Wilderness===
:''[as the title card appears]:
:'''Crow''': Well, if you insist.
:'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': WILDERNESS!

<hr width="50%">
:''[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]''
:'''Crow [as a raccoon]''': I went from ''Guardians of the Galaxy'' to this?!
:'''Servo [as other raccoon]''': How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick!
:. . .
:'''Jonah''': You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN.
:'''Servo''': Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace.
:''[Paul's father begins to laugh]
:'''Crow''': Don't laugh. You people are pigs.

===The Time Travelers===
===Avalanche===
===The Beast of Hollow Mountain===
===Starcrash===
===The Land That Time Forgot===
===The Love of Hercules===
===Yongary: Monster from the Deep===
===Wizards of the Lost Kingdom===
===Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II===
===Carnival Magic===
===Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu===
===At the Earth's Core===

== Specials ==

===Turkey Day '91 ===

=== Turkey Day '92===

=== Turkey Day '95===

=== MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special ===

:''[a clip is shown from [[Forrest Gump]] ]''
:'''Forrest's Mother''': Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get!
:''[cut back to Servo & Crow]''
:'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, ''"Life is a like box of chocolates"''? Well I got a ''better'' analogy! "Life is like a '''''crap sandwich'''''! The more ''bread'' you got, the less ''crap'' you gotta take!" '''''Sheesh!'''''

=== MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review ===

==== The Lost World: Jurassic Park ====

:''[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Pete Postlethwaite|Pete Postlethwaite]] in shorts? This movie is for the ladies!

=== MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review ===

==== X-Files: Fight the Future ====

:''[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of [[w:Cigarette-Smoking Man|Sod-Laying Man]]!
:'''Mulder''': Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Mulder]''': …unlike me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kid on Bike''': You're not FBI agents!
:'''Mulder''': How do ''you'' know?
:'''Kid on Bike''': 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mulder]''': Yeah, well, you look like [[w:Howdy Doody|Howdy Doody]] with a headcold.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mulder''': Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes?
:'''Crow''': No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.

==== Ever After ====
:'''Baroness De Ghent''': We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The First [[w:Lutheran|Lutheran]]!
: . . .
:'''Baroness De Ghent''': Your features are so… masculine.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as De Ghent]''': You look like [[w:Pat Summerall|Pat Summerall]].
: . . .
:'''Baroness De Ghent''': No wonder you're built for hard labour.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as De Ghent]''': You'll be giving birth to [[w:Paul Prudhomme|Paul Prudhomme]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]''
:'''Mike [as Danielle]''': I sneezed in my cocaine.

==== Halloween: H2O ====

:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Welcome back to the ''MST3K Blockbuster Review'', featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Um-hmm.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, ''Halloween Water'', which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.

==== The Truman Show ====

:''[Truman is talking to Lauren.]''
:'''Truman''': Would you wanna—
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Lauren]''': No.
:'''Truman''': Maybe possibly—
:'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No!
:'''Truman''': Sometime—
:'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No!
:'''Truman''': Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
:'''Mike [as Lauren]''': Well, oka— ''no''!
:'''Lauren''': Yeah… I can't.
:'''Truman''': Saturday?
:'''Lauren''': I can't.
:'''Truman''': Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?
:''[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lauren]''': N-O! Th-the W is silent.

==== Saving Private Ryan ====

:'''Corporal Upham''': It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.
:'''Captain Miller''': Did you ''fire'' the weapon in basic training?
:'''Corporal Upham''': Yes, sir.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Upham]''': But I shot my sergeant.

==== Godzilla (1998) ====

:'''Crow''': Um, folks? We'd ''like'' to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of ''G''[bleep]''a''. Even ''saying'' ''Go''[bleep]''la'' will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to ''God''[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us?
:''[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming a Iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]''
:'''Crow''': There! And it's [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]''zilla''."

=== MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special ===
==== As Good As It Gets ====
:''[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]''
:'''Melvin''': Carol the Waitress, Simon the ''[audio cuts out]''
:'''Servo''': Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of ''Talk Soup''"?

==== Good Will Hunting ====

:'''Sean''': Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book!
:'''Crow''': Oh! I've read some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book!

=== Assignment: Venezuela (short) ===

::''NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.''

:''[On title screen]''
:'''Mike:''' I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]''
:'''Narrator''': The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th—
:''[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': Was being sucked through a time portal.
: . . .
:''[They pass a building with a huge sign: ''GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL''.]''
:'''Narrator''': I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
:'''Narrator''': Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]''
:'''Jim''': Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
:'''Servo [as Jim]''': I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
:'''Crow [as Jim]''': I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on ''all'' inland bodies of water.
:. . .
:''[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]''
:'''Mike [as Jim]''': I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do ''now'' is lick that language problem.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': … and Escobar here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]''
:'''Crow [as Wife]''': I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jim is shown around his future [[w:Quonset hut|Quonset-hut]] home by the present husband and wife occupants.]''
:'''Servo [as Wife]''': ''[in white-trash accent]'' The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': It's called [[w:Vietnam_War#Vietnamization.2C_1969.E2.80.931972|Venezuelalization]].''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to [[w:Simón Bolívar|the Liberator]], who led six South American nations to freedom.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I think it was [[w:Zorro|Zorro]] or something.

== Major cast ==
* [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]] — [[w:Joel Robinson|Joel Robinson]] (1989-1993)/Joel Hodgson (1988)
* [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh Weinstein]] — [[w:Tom Servo|Tom Servo]]/[[w:Dr. Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Laurence Erhardt]] (1988-1989)/[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]] (1988)
* [[w:Trace Beaulieu|Trace Beaulieu]] — [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]/[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Clayton Forrester]] (1988-1996)
* [[w:Kevin Wagner Murphy|Kevin Murphy]] — Tom Servo (1990-1999)/[[w:Professor Bobo|Professor Bobo]] (1997-1999)/[[w:Cambot|Cambot]] (1988)
* [[w:Jim Mallon|Jim Mallon]] — Gypsy (1989-1997)
* [[w:Frank Conniff|Frank Conniff]] — [[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]] (1990-1995)
* [[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael J. Nelson]] — [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike Nelson]] (1993-1999)
* [[w:Mary Jo Pehl|Mary Jo Pehl]] — [[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl Forrester]] (1996-1999)/[[w:Magic Voice|Magic Voice]] (1992-1996)
* [[w:Bill Corbett|Bill Corbett]] — Crow T. Robot/Observer (1997-1999)
* [[w:Patrick Brantseg|Patrick Brantseg]] — Gypsy (1997-1999)

== See also ==

* [[Television shows]]

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
{{wikipedia|List of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes}}
* {{imdb title|0094517|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}
* {{imdb title|0117128|Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie}}
* {{tv.com show|2868|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}
* [http://www.mst3kinfo.com/index.html The Satellite News]: The Official MST3K Fan Site
* [http://forrestcrow.proboards47.com MST3K: The Discussion Board]: Satellite News endorsed and largest MST3K discussion board

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Comedy Central shows]]
[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Syfy shows]]
[[Category:Science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

2016-08-29T02:34:35Z

Sketchmoose: /* Dialogue */Link

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford|The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford]]''''' is a [[w:2007 in film|2007 film]] about Robert Ford, who idolized Jesse James since childhood, and tries hard to join the reforming gang of the Missouri outlaw, but gradually becomes resentful of the bandit leader.
:''Directed and written by [[w:Andrew Dominik|Andrew Dominik]], based on the 1983 novel by [[w:Ron Hansen (novelist)|Ron Hansen]].''
<center>'''Beyond the myth lies America's greatest betrayal.'''</center>

== Narrator ==
* He was growing into middle age, and was living then in a bungalow on Woodland Avenue. He installed himself in a rocking chair and smoked a cigar down in the evenings as his wife wiped her pink hands on an apron and reported happily on their two children. His children knew his legs, the sting of his mustache against their cheeks. They didn't know how their father made his living, or why they so often moved. They didn't even know their father's name. He was listed in the city directory as Thomas Howard. And he went everywhere unrecognized and lunched with Kansas City shopkeepers and merchants, calling himself a cattleman or a commodities investor, someone rich and leisured who had the common touch. He had two incompletely healed bullet holes in his chest and another in his thigh. He was missing the nub of his left middle finger and was cautious, lest that mutilation be seen. He also had a condition that was referred to as "granulated eyelids" and it caused him to blink more than usual as if he found creation slightly more than he could accept. Rooms seemed hotter when he was in them. Rains fell straighter. Clocks slowed. Sounds were amplified. He considered himself a Southern loyalist and guerrilla in a Civil War that never ended. He regretted neither his robberies, nor the seventeen murders that he laid claim to. He had seen another summer under in Kansas City, Missouri and on September 5th in the year 1881, he was thirty-four-years-old.

* And so it went, Jesse was increasingly cavalier. Merry, moody, fey, unpredictable. He camouflaged his depressions and derangements with masquerades of extreme cordiality, courtesy, and goodwill towards others. But even as he jested or tickled his boy in the ribs, Jesse would look over at Bob with melancholy eyes as if the two were meshed in an intimate communication. Bob was certain that the man had unriddled him; had seen through his reasons for coming along; that Jesse could forecast each of Bob's possible moves and inclinations and was only acting the innocent in order to lull Bob into a stupid tranquility and miscalculation.

* By his own approximation, Bob assassinated Jesse James over 800 times. He suspected no one in history had ever so often or so publicly recapitulated an act of betrayal.

* The day before he died was Palm Sunday. And Mr. and Mrs. Howard, their two children and their cousin Charles Johnson strolled to the second Presbyterian Church to attend the 10:00 service. Bob remained at the cottage and slyly migrated from room to room. He walked into the Master bedroom and inventoried the clothes on the hangers and hooks. He sipped from the water glass on the vanity. He smelled the talcum and lilacs on Jesse's pillowcase. His fingers skittered over his ribs to construe the scars where Jesse was twice shot. He manufactured a middle finger that was missing the top two knuckles. He imagined himself at 34. He imagined himself in a coffin. He considered possibilities and everything wonderful that could come true.

* Bob always challenged the allegations of cowardice, but Charley seemed to agree with them. He spoke of Mrs. Zee James as certain priests might the Madonna, and composed long soul-describing letters to her, begging her forgiveness; none of which he mailed. ''[Charley shoots himself in the heart]'' Charley Ford became all that his countrymen wanted an assassin of Jesse James to be.

* He was ashamed of his persiflage, his boasting, his pretensions of courage and ruthlessness; he was sorry about his cold-bloodedness, his dispassion, his inability to express what he now believed was the case- that he truly regretted killing Jesse, that he missed the man as much as anybody and wished his murder hadn't been necessary. Even as he circulated his saloon he knew that the smiles disappeared when he passed by. He received so many menacing letters that he could read them without any reaction except curiosity. He kept to his apartment all day, flipping over playing cards, looking at his destiny in every King and Jack. Edward O'Kelly came up from Bachelor at one P.M. on the 8th. He had no grand scheme. No strategy. No agreement with higher authorities. Nothing but a vague longing for glory, and a generalized wish for revenge against Robert Ford. Edward O'Kelly would be ordered to serve a life sentence in the Colorado Penitentiary for second degree murder. Over seven thousand signatures would eventually be gathered in a petition asking for O'Kelly's release, and in 1902, Governor James B. Ullman would pardon the man. There would be no eulogies for Bob, no photographs of his body would be sold in sundries stores, no people would crowd the streets in the rain to see his funeral cortege, no biographies would be written about him, no children named after him, no one would ever pay twenty-five cents to stand in the rooms he grew up in. The shotgun would ignite, and Ella Mae would scream, but Robert Ford would only lay on the floor and look at the ceiling, the light going out of his eyes before he could find the right words.

== Robert Ford ==
* ''[to Frank James]'' Folks sometimes take me for a nincompoop on account of the shabby first impression I make, whereas I've always thought of myself as being just a rung down from the James Brothers. And I was hoping if I ran into you aside from those peckerwoods, I was hoping I could show you how special I am. I honestly believe I'm destined for great things, Mr. James. I've got qualities that don't come shining through right at the outset, but give me a chance and I'll get the job done- I can guarantee you that.

* I've been a nobody all my life. I was the baby; I was the one they made promises to that they never kept. And ever since I can recall it, Jesse James has been as big as a tree. I'm prepared for this, Jim. And I'm going to accomplish it. I know I won't get but this one opportunity and you can bet your life I'm not going to spoil it.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Governor Crittenden''': Jesse James sent me a telegram last month, saying he was going to kill me if he had to wreck a train to do it. He said that once I was in his hands he was going to cut my heart out and eat it in strips like it was bacon. ''[pause]'' I'm going to wreck his train first.
:'''Robert Ford''': ''[scoffs, Crittenden glares at him]'' I'm sorry, Your Excellency. I was thinking of something else.
:'''Governor Crittenden''': Jesse James is nothing more than a public outlaw who's made his reputation by stealing whatever he could and by killing whoever got in his way. You'll hear some fools say he's getting back at Republicans and Union men for wrongs his family suffered during the war, but his victims have scarcely ever been selected with reference to their political views. I'm saying his sins will soon find him out. I'm saying his cup of iniquity is full. I'm saying Jesse James is a desperate case and may require a desperate remedy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ed Miller''': I was with a girl once. Wasn't a squaw, but she was purty. She had yellow hair, like uh... oh, like something.
:'''Dick Liddil''': Like hair bobbed from a ray of sunlight?
:'''Ed Miller''': Yeah, yeah. Like that. Boy, you talk good.
:'''Dick Liddil''': You can hide things in vocabulary.
:'''Ed Miller''': Maybe you and me could write her a note, send it by post?
:'''Dick Liddil''': See, all you gotta do, Ed, is predict her needs and beat her to the punch.
:'''Ed Miller''': Well, this girl, she had a real specific job.
:'''Dick Liddil''': Specific?
:'''Ed Miller''': We's only together once. She's afraid of lightning. She came up into the wagon and just cuddled right up to me. She gave me a kind price, too.
:'''Dick Liddil''': Well I'll be! That is specific.
:'''Ed Miller''': Yeah, sure, she been with other people. But the kinds of things she said to me, people just don't say unless they really mean it.
:'''Dick Liddil''': "[[Catullus|My love said she would marry only me, and Jove himself could not make her care, for what women say to lovers, you'll agree, one writes on running water, or on air.]]"
:'''Ed Miller''': My God that's good. Let's write her that.
:'''Dick Liddil''': Naw. Poetry don't work on whores.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jesse James''': You ever count the stars? I can't ever get the same number, they keep changin' on me.
:'''Ed Miller''': I don't even know what a star is, exactly...
:'''Jesse James''': Well, your body knows, it's your mind that forgot.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jesse James''': ''[Bob walks in on Jesse in the bath]'' Go away.
:'''Robert Ford''': Used to be nobody could sneak up on Jesse James.
:'''Jesse James''': Now you think otherwise?
:'''Robert Ford''': I ain't never seen you without your guns, neither.
:''[Jesse removes a towel, revealing his gun]''
:'''Jesse James''': ''[pause]'' Can't figure it out: do you want to be like me or do you want to BE me?
:'''Robert Ford''': ''[defeated]'' I'm just making fun is all.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robert Ford''': They gave me ten days.
:'''Charley Ford''': For what?
:'''Robert Ford''': Arresting him.
:'''Charley Ford''': You and me, huh?
:'''Robert Ford''': It's going to happen one way or another. It's going to happen, Charley, and it might as well be us who get rich on it.
:'''Charley Ford''': Bob, he's our friend.
:'''Robert Ford''': He murdered Ed Miller. He's going to murder Liddil and Cummins if the chance ever comes. Seems to me Jesse's riding from man to man, saying goodbye to the gang. Your friendship could put you under the pansies.
:'''Charley Ford''': I'll grind it fine in my mind, Bob. I can't go any further than that, right now.
:'''Robert Ford''': You'll come around.
:'''Charley Ford''': You think it's all made up don't ya? You think it's all yarns and newspaper stories.
:'''Robert Ford''': He's just a human being.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jesse James''': You know I'm real comfortable with your brother. Hell, he's ugly as sin and he smells like a skunk and he's so ignorant he couldn't drive nails in the snow, but he's sort of easy to be around. I can't say the same for you, Bob.
:'''Robert Ford''': I'm sorry to hear you say that.
:'''Jesse James''': ''[pause]'' You know how it is when you're with your girlfriend and the moon is out and you know she wants to be kissed even though she never said so?
:'''Robert Ford''': Yeah.
:'''Jesse James''': You're giving me signs that grieve my soul and make me wonder if maybe your mind's been changed about me.
:'''Robert Ford''': What do you want me to do? Swear my good faith on the Bible?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jesse James''': ''[Jesse has given Bob a gun as a gift]'' You know what John Newman Edwards once wrote about me? He said I didn't trust two men in ten thousand and was even cautious around them. The government's sort of run me ragged. I'm going the long way around the barn to say I've been feeling cornered and just plain ornery of late and I'd be pleased if you'd accept the gun as my way of apologizing.
:'''Robert Ford''': Heaven knows I'd be ornerier if I were in your position.
:'''Jesse James''': No. I haven't been acting correctly. I can't hardly recognize myself sometimes when I'm greased. I go on journeys out of my body and look at my red hands and my mean face and I wonder about that man who's gone so wrong. I've been becoming a problem to myself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dorothy Evans''': Why did you kill him?
:'''Robert Ford''': Well, he was gonna kill me.
:'''Dorothy Evans''': So you were scared and that's the only reason?
:'''Robert Ford''': Yeah. And the reward money.
:''[long pause]''
:'''Dorothy Evans''': Do you want me to change the subject?
:'''Robert Ford''': You know what I expected? Applause. ''[laughs to himself]'' I was only 20 years old then. I couldn't see how it would look to people. I was surprised by what happened. They didn't applaud.

== Cast ==
* [[Brad Pitt]] as [[w:Jesse James|Jesse James]]
* [[w:Casey Affleck|Casey Affleck]] as [[w:Robert Ford (outlaw)|Robert "Bob" Ford]]
* [[w:Sam Shepard|Sam Shepard]] as [[w:Frank James|Frank James]]
* [[w:Jeremy Renner|Jeremy Renner]] as [[w:Wood Hite|Wood Hite]]
* [[w:Sam Rockwell|Sam Rockwell]] as [[w:Charles Ford (outlaw)|Charley Ford]]
* [[w:Paul Schneider (actor)|Paul Schneider]] as [[w:Dick Liddil|Dick Liddil]]
* [[w:Garret Dillahunt|Garret Dillahunt]] as [[w:Edward T. Miller (outlaw)|Ed Miller]]
* [[w:Mary-Louise Parker|Mary-Louise Parker]] as [[w:Zerelda Mimms|Zerelda "Zee" James]]
* [[Zooey Deschanel]] as Dorothy Evans
* [[w:Alison Elliott|Alison Elliott]] as Martha Bolton
* [[w:Ted Levine|Ted Levine]] as [[w:James Timberlake|James Timberlake]]
* [[James Carville]] as [[w:Thomas Theodore Crittenden|Thomas T. Crittenden]]
* [[w:Michael Parks|Michael Parks]] as Henry Craig
* Michael Copeman as [[w:Edward Capehart O'Kelley|Edward O'Kelley]]
* [[Nick Cave]] as Balladeer

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0443680|title=The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=10005911-assassination_of_jesse_james_by_the_coward_robert_ford|title=The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, The}}
[[Category:2007 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Biographical films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Epic films]]
[[Category:Films based on novels]]
[[Category:History films]]
[[Category:Western films]]

Spaced

2016-06-15T20:31:32Z

Sketchmoose: /* Chaos [1.5] */ formatting, punctuation, links

'''''[[w:Spaced|Spaced]]''''' is a British television situation comedy written by and starring [[w:Simon Pegg|Simon Pegg]] and [[w:Jessica Stevenson|Jessica Stevenson]], directed by [[w:Edgar Wright|Edgar Wright]], and broadcast on Channel 4. The show concerns Tim and Daisy, two young people pretending to be a couple in order to rent a North London flat. It is notable for its almost constant dropping of pop-culture references. Two series, each of seven episodes, have been broadcast (in Autumn 1999 and Spring 2001). The first series was a nominee for Best TV Sitcom in the 1999 British Comedy Awards.

==Season 1==
===Beginnings [1.1]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders, who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': I never said that.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, but it'd be good though, wouldn't it?
:'''Daisy''': ''[shrugs]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[To his ex-girlfriend Sarah]''
:'''Tim''': You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other... donkey.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Do you want another cup of tea?
:'''Tim''':Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.
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:'''Daisy''': What do you do, Brian?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': I'm an artist.
:'''Daisy''': Oh, Tim's an artist. What kind of thing do you do?
:'''Brian''': Anger.
:''[Shot of Brian attacking the canvas furiously]''
:'''Brian''': Pain.
:''[Shot of Brian pricking his finger with a needle and whimpering]''
:'''Brian''': Fear.
:''[Shot of Brian cowering in the dark as creepy music plays]''
:'''Brian''': Aggression.
:''[Shot of Brian violently smashing an egg with a hammer]''
:'''Daisy''': Watercolours?
:'''Brian''': It's a bit more complex than that.
:'''Daisy''': Tim does cartoons.
:'''Tim''': It's a bit more complex than that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': ''[being dumped]'' I don't understand, just... eergh... give me a reason! You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can '''''be''''' emotional! Jesus I cried like child at the end of Terminator 2... You know, with the thumb, and the molten...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Do you rent downstairs?
:'''Brian''': D'you mean am I gay?
:'''Daisy''': What?
:'''Brian''': D'you mean am I gay?
:'''Daisy''': No, I meant "are you renting the downstairs flat?"
:'''Brian''': Oh, right. Yep, sort of.
:'''Tim''': Are you gay?
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Tim''': Are you gay?
:'''Brian''': ''[Thoughtfully]'' No.

===Gatherings [1.2]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Wanna go back into your party?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': But they were playing 'The Time Warp'! I hate 'The Time Warp'!
:'''Mike''': Daisy likes it.
:'''Tim''': I don't ''care''! I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': What is this? This is rubbish! We should be listening to firm young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass! God I sound so stupid!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brian''': I'm busy Tim, painting a triptych.
:'''Tim''': Oh yeah what's it called?
:'''Brian''': Bad sandwich.
:'''Tim''': Really?
:'''Brian''': Yes.
:'''Tim''': Mmm.
:'''Brian''': It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event. A synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive, expressions...
:'''Tim''': There'll be girls at the party.
:'''Brian''': Really?
:'''Tim''': Yes.
:'''Brian''': Mmmmm...

===Art [1.3]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': You're up early.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.
:'''Daisy''': Oh Tim, that's so tacky.
:'''Tim''': Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice... I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Where's Mike?
:''[cuts briefly to shot of Mike running around a tree, revving an imaginary motorbike and making engine noises]''
:'''Tim''': ''[shrugs and mumbles]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late eighties.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
:'''Tim''': Porn.
:'''Daisy''': Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
:'''Tim''': I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': LOOK! Daisy... Daisy, Daisy, Daisy... It's gonna be okay... Now have a big toke on this South-African drugs reefer style splif doobie.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After practicing introducing himself in a mirror]''
:'''Brian''': Brian. Painter. Loser. ''Big... fucking loser''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': ''[noticing Brian at the after-show party]'' Oh Brian, you came!
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': No, I just spilt my drink.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': I can't believe some of the shit I used to do with you!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': ''[On [[Resident Evil]]]'' It's a subtle blend of [[lateral thinking]] and extreme violence.
:'''Brian''': What, like "It's A Knock Out"?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Brian has received his party invite]''
:'''Tim''': So are you going to go?
:'''Brian''': I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.
:'''Tim''': No. I mean, are you going to go, ''now''?
:'''Brian''': Oh, yeah. ''[He leaves]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Brian's coming up.
:'''Daisy''': Why'd he phone?
:'''Tim''': I dunno, why'd he paint his arse blue last week?
:'''Daisy''': You don't like him, do you?
:'''Tim''': No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.
:''[Brian enters, wearing a very loud waistcoat]''
:'''Brian''': How do you think I look?
:'''Tim''': Bit pretentious?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brian''': Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
:'''Tim''': I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inspired by Tim's punching of Vulva]''
:'''Brian''': Vulva turned me into a monkey! I'm not a monkey! I'm a man! A monkey... man!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': So what happened last night then?
:'''Daisy''': Well we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in [[w:Twiglets|Twiglets]] and you punched an artist in the face.
:'''Tim''': Shit, I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.
:'''Daisy''': Why not?
:'''Tim''': They make me violent.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Tim''': Where are you?
:'''Mike''': Uh, Sheffield.
:'''Tim''': What are you doing in Sheffield?
:'''Mike''': I fell asleep on the tube.
:'''Tim''': The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
:'''Tim''': Alright, well don't fall asleep on the way back, ok?
:''[Mike falls asleep on the phone]''
:'''Tim''': Mike?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Tim''': Now come on! There's no reason to stay here any longer than necessary! Let's split up, look for survivors and get out of here!

===Battles [1.4]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': You're so damaged; just because Sarah hurt you, you feel justified in wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Yes... yes... and I'd do it again, I tell you, I'd do it again in an instant! ''[Laughs manically then jumps out of the window]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': Can I borrow a tea-bag?
:'''Tim''': ''[sarcastically]'' Only if you bring it back. ''[pauses]'' You can HAVE a tea-bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
:'''Brian''': What are you playing?
:'''Tim''': ''Tomb Raider 3''.
:'''Brian''': She's drowning.
:'''Tim''': Yeah.
:'''Brian''': Is that the point of the game?
:'''Tim''': Depends what mood you're in really.
:'''Brian''': What sort of mood are you in then?
:'''Tim''': Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure.
:'''Brian''': So it didn't really work then.
:'''Tim''': No, it made me wanna drown things! ''[turns around, sees Brian dressed as a painting]'' You've got paint on you.
:'''Brian''': It's a literal tribute to the self reflexivity of Rembrandt.
:'''Tim''': Did he like it?
:'''Brian''': He's dead.
:'''Tim''': Bloody hell, that really backfired.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Daisy''': C'mon, Colin! We're taking you away from this place.
:'''Twist''': Colin?
:'''Daisy''': That's what I called my box.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Paintball player''': Gosh, this is so exciting!
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': This your first time, kid?
:'''Paintball player''': I'm thirty-six.
:'''Mike''': This your first time, old man?
:'''Paintball player''': Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, I've always fancied myself.
:'''Mike''': I've always fancied you...
:'''Tim''': ''[quickly]'' Not here!
:'''Paintball player''': You've done this before, then?
:'''Mike''': You could say that.
:'''Paintball player''': What do you mean?
:'''Mike''': Well, let's just say the last time I was in this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun.
:'''Paintball player''': ''[in awe]'' You've seen ''combat''?
:'''Mike''': Yes, yes I have.
:'''Paintball player''': Where?
:'''Mike''': Umm, on the television!
:'''Paintball player''': But you just said the last time you were in this situation you didn't use a paintball gun!
:'''Tim''': He didn't.
:'''Paintball player''': Well, what did you use?
:'''Mike''': Erm, it was a big stick...?
<hr width="50%">
:''[About Duane]''
:'''Tim''': He's made this personal.
:'''Mike''': I thought he made it personal when he slept with your girlfriend.
:'''Tim''': Well, he's made it ''more'' personal.
:'''Mike''': I don't think it gets much ''more'' personal than sleeping with your girlfriend, Tim.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Duane''': You know what they say about love and war.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Duane''': See, Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.
:'''Tim''': It's not a bedsit. It's a flat. ''[Shoots Duane in the groin]'' Yes! ''[Turns and sees Mike on the ground]'' No Mike! Mike! Oh Jesus no! ''[Mike throws up paint out of his mouth]'' MEDIC!
:'''Mike''': Is that you Tim?
:'''Tim''': Yeah I'm here, man; just hold on, hold on!
:'''Mike''': I'm tired, Tim.
:'''Tim''': Just err... everything's going to be fine I promised. ''[Cries]'' I'm sorry I said those things, I just... wasn't thinking straight.
:'''Mike''': I can say some pretty stupid things myself sometimes.
:'''Tim''': No, Mike, I'm the stupid one. I've always been the stupid one. ''[Mike smiles]'' What are you laughing it?
:'''Mike''': I guess I got to be the hero after all.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, I guess you did.
:'''Mike''': I've gotta— I've gotta sleep.
:'''Tim''': No no, Mike, stay with me.
:'''Mike''': So tired, so tired. Goodbye old friend.
:'''Tim''': No, Mike! ''[Mike appears to die from his paintball injuries]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<hr width="50%">
:'''Brian''': So where is he then? The little dog? ''[Daisy squeaks and points at Brian]'' The headband, isn't it? Makes me look stupid?
:'''Daisy''': ''[whimpering]'' Colin...!
:'''Brian''': ...No, Daisy, it's me, Brian...
:'''Daisy''': I think you're sitting on my dog....

===Chaos [1.5]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...
:'''Tim''': Pilchards.
:'''Daisy''': Banana and...
:'''Bilbo''': Acorns.
:'''Daisy''': Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toasted sandwich maker away. And, you know what?
:'''Tim''': What?
:'''Daisy''': You don't miss it.
:'''Bilbo''': So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him.'
:'''Tim''': No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich.'
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': When friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You mean we kill the dog?
:'''Mike''': ''[whilst nodding]'' No...
:'''Tim''': Spoil sport.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About Colin the dog.]''
:'''Daisy''': How can you not like him? He's so cute. Aw...
:'''Tim''': Yeah, that's how it all starts, with oohs and ahs, but later there's barking and biting! He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world and spend years of your life doting on his little furry head, and then one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer.
:'''Daisy''': We don't have a tumble dryer.
:'''Tim''': You will, my friend. You will.
:'''Daisy''': Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep seated psychological disorders—
:'''Tim''': Thank you.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After an original [[Star Wars]] trilogy marathon]''
:'''Tim''': You know, Brian, everything that happened in those movies can be attributed to the actions of one man.
:'''Brian''': Who?
:'''Tim''': The gunner on the Star Destroyer in the first film.
:'''Brian''': What d'you mean?
:'''Tim''': ''[chuckles in a knowing way]'' Well, if he'd shot the pod with Artoo and Threepio in, they wouldn't have made it to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have saved Princess Leia, ''none of it'' would have happened.
:'''Brian''': [[Chaos theory]]...
:'''Tim''': Eh?
:'''Brian''': The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it—past, present, future—is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.
:'''Daisy''': So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?
:'''Brian''': An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.
:'''Tim''': ''[In dawning realization]'' Oh my god...
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Daisy''': What?
:'''Tim''': I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket. ''[They all cheer; Tim sings]'' "Oh Mummy, oh Daddy, let's all play [[w:kabaddi|kabaddi]]."
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Mike, I'll see you back here at twenty-two hundred hours. Everyone else, I'll see you back here at ten.

===Epiphanies [1.6]===
:''[Tim speaks to Mike on the phone]''
:'''Tim''': What you doing playing Army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill!
:'''Mike''': The T.A is no game Tim!
:'''Tim''': It isn't the T.A Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.
:'''Mike''': You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in bed."
:'''Tim''': Yeah, and you're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in ''[[Apocalypse Now]]''."
:''[Mike blows a bird whistle]''
:'''Tim''': That's easy for you to say. What you doing later on?
:'''Mike''': It's classified.
:'''Tim''': Well, why don't you come round? Look, I'm bored.
:'''Mike''': I can't. Combat canoeing. I'm going to do an Eskimo Roll with a two stone rucksack in my bag, along with a loaded rifle.
:'''Tim''': They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers Mike.
:'''Mike''': Hand grenades?
:'''Tim''': No!
:'''Mike''': Anthrax?
:'''Tim''': Mike!
:'''Mike''': Listen Tim. I Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger. Bravo. Tango. Alpha!
:''[Mike puts the phone down, and sees some kids carrying a canoe over]''
:'''Kid''': Come on, Mike!
:''[Mike gives the kids a thumbs up]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tim opens the door and sees Mike]''
:'''Tim''': How is she?
:'''Mike''': The fibreglass on the outer casing was severely damaged in the incident.
:'''Tim''': What happened?
:'''Mike''': Showing off Tim, I had 15 rocks in my rucksack, instead of the regulation 5. I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water, she was sitting so low, so low. But I didn't stop Tim, 15 rocks in my rucksack and everyone knew it.
:'''Tim''': So what happened when you rolled?
:'''Mike''': I lost control of the vessel 2 feet from the shore. When I struggled to right her, I banged it into the jetty, damaging the canoe's carcass.
:''[Tim nods and listens on]''
:'''Mike''': The "Ramble" Leader, had to dive in and rescue me from beneath the canoe.
:'''Tim''': So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll, it was more of a case of rolling right ''Inuit''.
:''[Mike stares, confused]''
:'''Tim''': Inuit's another word for Eskimo!
:'''Mike''':''[Mike sobs]'' I've been thrown out Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me anymore!
:'''Tim''': ''[Tries to comfort Mike]'' Come on. Come on. Come on.
:'''Mike''': (I've gotta) face it Tim, I'm not the big man, not the leader. Noone's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.
:'''Tim''': You're not a failure, Mike, you're not! You're too good for them, they're not ready for you, You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.
:'''Mike''': Like the [[w:The A-Team|A-Team]].
:'''Tim''': Yeah, you're like Mr. T. but white and hairy. And I feel sorry for anyone who says you're not.
:'''Mike''': I pity the fool.
:'''Tim''': ''I'' pity the fool.
:'''Mike''': ''[Mr. T voice]'' I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka!
:'''Tim''': ''[irritable]'' Stop that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Preparing to go out clubbing]''
:'''Mike''': I had to dress up as an elderly Israeli woman once.
:'''Tim''': Really?
:'''Mike''': I didn't ''have'' to.
:'''Tim''': We should talk.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tyres''': Last night was an A-1, tip top clubbing jam fair. It was a sandwich of fun on ecstacy bread, wrapped up in a big bag like disco fudge. It doesn't get much better than that, I just wish sometimes I could control these FOCKING MOOD SWINGS! ''[calmer]'' So what did youse two friends do last night?
:'''Daisy''': We just stayed in, didn't we, had a laugh, played [[w:Scrabble|Scrabble]].
<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': We're going to a club later on, do you wanna come out?
:'''Brian''': ''(through the door)'' Don't go to clubs.
:'''Tim''': Come on, Brian, what d'you mean you don't go to clubs?
:'''Brian''': ''[peeks out]'' I'm working, Tim. Working. D'you understand.
:'''Tim''': No...
:'''Brian''': Trying to....avoid...cliches...by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
:'''Tim''': Right...
:'''Brian''': I'm using my penis.
:'''Tim''': Finally.
:'''Brian''': D'you want to see?
:'''Tim''': No, just about to have my tea...

===Ends [1.7]===
:''[About the possibility of getting back with his old girlfriend]''
:'''Tim Bisley''': This is something that I've always wanted! You have things you want, you're always going on about going to Asia and seeing the Taj Mahal.
:'''Daisy Steiner''': I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with it's boss behind my back and break my heart!
:'''Tim Bisley''': Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dropping Mike off for his interview with the Territorial Army]''
:'''Mike''': Aren't you coming in with me?
:'''Tim''': I'm not your dad, Mike! ''[Hands him a lunch box]'' Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Before his meeting with the TA officials]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Thinking]'' I'm [[w:Andy McNab|Andy McNab]], I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm [[w:Andie MacDowell|Andie MacDowell]] - ohhh...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, ''en route'' I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
:'''TA Officer''': Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
:'''Mike''': Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
:'''TA Officer''': Why do you think that was?
:'''Mike''': ''[Shrugs]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike is undertaking a Rorschach ink test; the first card is very obviously a couple making love]''
:'''Mike''': War.
:'''TA Officer''': ''[Holding the next card]'' This one?
:'''Mike''': Bomb.
:'''TA Officer''': ''[Next card]'' This one?
:'''Mike''': Guts.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': Guns.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': Guts and guns.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Happily]'' Butterfly.
:''[The TA Officer frowns]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Realizes]'' Butterfly with a ''bomb''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''TA Officer''': Finally, Mr Watt, how does this make you feel?
:''[He throws Mike an sheathed military knife; Mike expertly grabs and unsheaths it]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Grins happily]'' Nice.
:'''TA Officer''': Welcome back, Mike.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About ending his relationship with Sarah]''
:'''Tim''': I just had a moment of clarity, you know, I woke up. It's like... you know when you have an orgasm on your own? ''[Daisy looks increasingly disgusted and uncertain during the following:]'' You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken lonely night in Soho, and you're lying there and everything's going really great, you're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images, everything seems so right, and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you ''know'' is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is ''somewhere'' on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What're you doing?" That's how I felt tonight feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. "What the fuck are you doing?"
:'''Daisy''': Well, that's... love, isn't it? Load of old wank.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status quo, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle.
:''[The pub band starts playing 'Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby?']''
:'''Tim''': Do you wanna dance?
:'''Daisy''': You know what? I think I do.
:''[They dance happily]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About getting back with Sarah]''
:'''Daisy''': What do you mean, you have a "funny feeling"?
:'''Tim''': I can read her like a book.
:'''Daisy''': Never judge a book by its cover.
:'''Tim''': He who dares, wins.
:'''Daisy''': Look before you leap.
:'''Tim''': Do ''you'' believe in life after love?
:'''Daisy''': That's a song.
:'''Tim''': ...shit.

==Season 2==
===Back [2.1]===
:'''Tim''': ''[on Twist]'' I haven't actually figured her out just yet. She's either sweet and stupid or an evil genius.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Tim''': '[in voiceover]'' Marsha's our landlady and as far as she's concerned, Daisy and me are a professional couple, but that's not really important. Anyway, she's lovely.
:'''Marsha''': FUCK OFF!
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Agent''': Daisy Steiner?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': Yes...
:'''Agent''': Are you Daisy Steiner?
:'''Brian''': No...
:'''Agent''': Do you know where she is?
:'''Brian''': ...No.
:'''Agent''': ''Do you know where she is?''
:'''Brian''': Why?
:'''Agent''': Miss Steiner is under suspicion of bringing a bag containing sensitive materials into the country.
:'''Brian''': Sensitive...
:'''Agent''': Can you tell us where she is, Mr. Topp?
:'''Brian''': ...How d'you know my name?
:'''Agent''': It's written on the doorbell.
:'''Brian''': ...Oh yeah.
:'''Agent''': Where is she, Brian?
:'''Brian''': Brian isn't on the door bell...
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Brian''': They arrived just before you did...
:'''Tim''': You Lando!
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mike''': I'm off to point the pink pistol at the porcelain firing range.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mike''': Note to self: Shoot first, quip later.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Agent''': Don't even think about leaving the country.
:'''Daisy''': I won't... I can't afford it.

===Change [2.2]===
:''[Amber has woken everyone up screaming and throwing things out the window]''
:'''Daisy''': I'm sorry!
:'''Mike''': I'm hit!
:'''Brian''': I'M BLIND!
:'''Tim''': Buffy...?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[To a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace fan]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you?! Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50ps, take your pocket money, '''''and GET OUT!'''''
:''[The little boy runs out, crying]''
:'''Tim''': What a prick.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': I was like you once. Blonde hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans, and spunk. I let my principles get in the way of things. I punched a bloke in the face once for saying ''Hawk the Slayer'' was rubbish.
:'''Tim''': Good for you.
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': Yeah, thanks. But that's not the point, Tim. The point is I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said was "Dad, you're right - but let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later." ''[pause]'' ''[[w:Star Wars - The Phantom Menace|The Phantom Menace]]'' was eighteen ''months'' ago, Tim!
:'''Tim''': I know Bilbo, but... it still hurts, you know? I mean, that kid wanted a Jar Jar doll!
:'''Bilbo''': Kids ''like'' Jar Jar!
:'''Tim''': Why?
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': What about the Ewoks eh? They were ''rubbish''! You don't complain about ''them''!
:'''Tim''': Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft!

<hr width="50%">
:'''DSS Woman''': How long have you been unemployed, Mr Bisley?
:'''Tim''': ''[checks watch]'' About an hour and a half.
:'''DSS Woman''': Have you been looking for work?
:'''Tim''': ''[laughs, then sees she's serious]'' Um, no.
:'''DSS Woman''': Why did you leave your last job?
:'''Tim''': Got fired.
:'''DSS Woman''': Why?
:'''Tim''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Uh, a difference of opinion...
:'''DSS Woman''': ''The Phantom Menace''?
:'''Tim''': ''[pauses, then, surprised]'' Yeah...
:'''DSS Woman''': Didn't you like it?
:'''Tim''': ''[cautiously]'' No...
:'''DSS Woman''': Well, ''[taps nose conspiratorially]'' you leave this with me. I'll get you some money out in the next few days.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Twist''': So, don't forget to wash your sheets...
:'''Brian''': Right.
:'''Twist''': ...and your penis.
:'''Brian''': Okay.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Daisy''': What are we going to do? You're unemployed. I've got no money coming in. How am I going to afford aspirational magazines?!

<hr width="50%">
:''[After Tim has found a new job in a rival comic shop; Bilbo has come in]''
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Sniffy]'' He should store his special editions behind the counter, not hide them away at the back of the shop. Man's insane.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Stand-offish]'' What's ''Derek'' like as a boss?
:'''Tim''': ''[Stand-offish]'' He's okay. Don't fully agree with his policy on vintage comic display.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Desperate]'' Look, Tim, I'm sorry I fired you. It was a mistake! Will you come back?
:'''Tim''': Oh, why? Things not working out with the new guy?
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Sheepish]'' You could say that.
:''[Flash cut to Bilbo's shop]''
:'''Tim's Replacement''': ''Hawk the Slayer's'' rubbish!
:''[Bilbo punches him; cut back to the rival comic shop]''
:'''Tim''': ''[Stand-offish]'' I see.
:'''Bilbo''': Will you come back?
:'''Tim''': Well, I like it here, Bilbo. What makes you think I ''want'' to come back?
:'''Bilbo''': This.
:''[Bilbo produces an answering machine from nowhere and presses play]''
:'''Tim''': ''[On machine; sobbing]'' Look, B-Bilbo, t-this is Tim. Please can I come back?! I don't like it here!
:'''Tim''': ''[Sheepish]'' You got that, did you?
:'''Bilbo''': I would have come in anyway. The place just isn't the same without you there.
:'''Tim''': ''[Warmly]'' I'm already there.
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Alarmed]'' What?!
:'''Tim''': I mean I'll come back.
:'''Bilbo''': Oh, right. Frightened me for a moment there.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Tim wants to get fired from his new job]''
:'''Tim''': Derek? [[w:Babylon 5|Babylon 5]]'s a big pile of shit.
:'''Derek''': Get out!!
:'''Bilbo and Tim''': ''[Joyfully]'' Hooray!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': I got me job back.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!
:'''Mike''': I got me own room.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!
:'''Tim''': Where's Brian?
:'''Mike''': He's standing in the garden with no clothes on.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!

===Mettle [2.3]===
:'''Dexter''': Have you thought any more about that rematch, Michael?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Yes and no.
:'''Dexter''': What does that mean?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': It means 'yes, he's thought about it' and 'no, he doesn't want one'. ''[To Mike]'' Doesn't it?
:'''Mike''': Yes.
:'''Dexter''': So that's a 'no', is it?
:'''Tim''' and '''Mike''': ''[Momentarily uncertain]'' ... Yes.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': What does "T.F.U" stand for?
:'''Tim''': Uh... The Fuckest Upest.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daisy pretending to be [[w:Philippa Forrester|Philippa Forrester]] to interview Tim]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': This is a very large machine Tim. Take you long?
:'''Tim''': No, not really.
:'''Daisy''': Hm, fast worker?
:'''Tim''': Well why don't you come on back to my flat and we'll find out.
:'''Daisy''': I think you've already answered my question ''[laughs]''.
:'''Tim''': So you like my robot then.
:'''Daisy''': I love it. ''[gasp]'' What's this?
:'''Tim''': It's an axe. Feel the weight.
:''[Daisy lifts the axe. Both draw in a breath.]''
:'''Daisy''': There's nothing more devastating than a big chopper.
:'''Tim''': Shhh...''[places a finger over Daisy's lips]'' Don't cheapen this. ''[moves the hair from her face]''
:''[Daisy and Tim move closer, apparently about to kiss, when Mike opens the front door.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[suspicious]'' What's going on?
:'''Tim''': Uh, I was just coming - to the pub, with you.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I think we should take the Private down to the shed.
:''[Mike goes to another room.]''
:'''Daisy''': Hmm, what's up with Mike?
:'''Tim''': Nothing, he just, he usually likes to be Philippa.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about the robot's axe, both covered in plasters and bruises]''
:'''Tim''': I think we should lose the axe.
:'''Mike''': I like the axe.
:'''Tim''': I like my face.
:'''Mike''': I like your face.
:'''Tim''': Let's keep the axe.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trying to figure out who destroyed 'Private Iron']''
:'''Tim''': I think I can guess.
:'''Mike''': This isn't the work of amateurs, Tim. Private Iron was taken apart by someone who knew what they were doing.
:'''Tim''': Right, and what happens now?
:'''Mike''': Well, if we can't fix him in time, we're automatically disqualified. Runners-up go through.
:'''Tim''': And they are?
:'''Mike''': ''[Gasps, as if realizing]'' Dexter and Cromwell!
:'''Tim''': Right.
:'''Mike''': ... So who did this?
:'''Tim''': They did!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After having smashed Tim and Mike's robot]''
:'''Dexter''': Ah, Michael. Heard about your robot. Crying shame.
:'''Tim''': What do you mean, 'crying shame'? You did it, you... fucking plum.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robot Club Leader''': Gentlemen, welcome to Robot Club. The first rule of Robot Club is, you do not talk about about Robot Club. The second rule of Robot Club is, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT Ro… wait, I… got that wrong. [Unfolding a crumpled up piece of paper and pushing up his glasses] The second rule is, no smoking.
:'''Tim''': Why aren't we allowed to smoke?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': We're not allowed to talk about it.

===Help [2.4]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim Bisley|Tim]]''': Could you go and tell Mike that I need him, please?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy Steiner|Daisy]]''': What for?
:'''Tim''': No reason, I just... I need him.

<hr width="50%">
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy Steiner|Daisy]]''': [To Mike working out with Marsha] Tim wants you.
:'''Mike''': Does he want me or need me?
:'''Daisy''': Needs you.
:'''Mike''': Ok then.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': You ready, Mike?
:'''Mike''': I was born ready, Timmy.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, but are you ready ''now''?
:'''Mike''': Ummm... yeah.

<hr width="50%">
:''[After Sophie has recovered Tim's unflattering portrait of Damien Knox, thus saving his job interview]''
:'''Tim''': How are you, Sophie?
:'''Sophie''': Fine thanks.
:'''Tim''': ''[Playing it cool]'' Good. Forgot you worked here.
:'''Sophie''': Really? ''[Places down another, extremely flattering, portrait of Sophie, surrounded by a love heart]''
:''[Tim giggles nervously]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Via walkie-talkie]'' Tim! That girl you fancy's coming into the office!
:'''Tim''': ''[Into walkie-talkie, sheepishly]'' Thanks, Mike.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tyres''': Are we happy?
:'''Tim''':Are we happy.
:'''Tyres''': Excellent. Mine's a pint of the black stuff.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': (scoffs) You can't drink a pint of Bovril.

===Gone [2.5]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Right, I'm off for a night of running about in the dark with a gun, so you've got to stay here and be good for your Uncle Michael. [To Colin, while polishing his glasses] Settle down, relax and get comfy, because you my friend... are going ''nowhere''. [Looks down to see that Colin is gone; in a whimpering tone:] Oh, bollocks!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On realizing who Duane is]''
:'''Daisy''': You're Duane. The Duane Duane.
:'''Duane Benzie''': Duane Benzie.
:'''Daisy''': The Duane Benzie that... [Whistles]
:'''Tim''': Stole my girlfriend.
:'''Duane Benzie''': Well, that depends on which way you look at it.
:'''Daisy''': I think that Tim looks at it that way.
:'''Tim''': Yes, I do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Duane Benzie''': I haven't seen you since...
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Yeah, well. No hard feelings, eh?
:'''Duane Benzie''': You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.
:'''Tim''': Like I said. No hard feelings.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having stolen Tim's house keys]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': At last, I will emerge as the victor. [[The_Phantom_Menace#Darth_Maul|At last, I will have... revenge.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Romford Thug''': This ain't grass.
:'''Romford Thug Leader''': What?
:'''Romford Thug''': It's oregano.
:'''Romford Thug Leader''': How can you tell?
:'''Romford Thug''': I'm a catering student.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After crashing with the Romford thugs]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': ''[To the leader]'' You bloody idiot! Have you any idea how much this car cost? Why don't you piss off back to Romford where you belong. You little prick! Eh? Eh?
:''[He turns; the others have sneaked up behind him, like the Raptors in ''[[Jurassic Park]]''.]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': ''[Darkly]'' Clever boys.
:''[The thugs give Duane a good kicking]''

===Leaves [2.7]===
:''[Tim, Mike and Brian are trying to persuade Marsha not to sell the house]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Okay, listen. When we get there, let me do the talking, okay? I am the only one here capable of serious communication. ''[Instantly regretful]'' Sorry, sorry! That sounded bad. I didn't mean to suggest that you're not good communicators, okay Mike?
:''[Mike grunts non-verbally]''
:'''Tim''': Brian?
:''[Brian whimpers non-verbally]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Marsha, they say the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, not relatives. If that's true, then you're the best auntie I've ever had.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Aren't you going to ask us how it went?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': How did it go?
:'''Tim''': Really ''badly''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Colin's gone.
:'''Tim''': What?
:'''Daisy''': He went next door.
:'''Tim''': Oh, Daisy, I'm so sorry. How did it happen?
:'''Daisy''': ''[Bemused]''... He walked.
:'''Tim''': Right, right, sorry. See, my mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.
:'''Mike''': Whoa, hold on, does that mean my rabbit's dead?
:'''Tim''': It's been eighteen years, Mike, where did you think he was?
:'''Mike''': ''[whimpers]'' Next door!

== Miscellaneous ==
===Skip To The End===
''[NOTE: Although 'Skip To The End' was primarily a factually-based documentary concerning the making of and influence of ''Spaced'', it did contain a brief 'epilogue' to the series with Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson in character]''

:''[Daisy exits the house; Tim follows her a moment later with a baby in his arms]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': I think she's filled her nappy again. Will you change her?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': I made the tea!
:'''Tim''': I went to the shop!
:'''Daisy''': I was in labour for fifteen hours!
:'''Tim''': You win!
:''[They kiss]''
:'''Tim''': Love you.
:'''Daisy''': I know.
:''[They turn to go back inside]''
:'''Tim''': Come on, Luke.
:'''Daisy''': Tim, we're not calling her 'Luke'.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.spaced-out.org.uk/ ''Spaced Out''] - official, fan-operated website
*[http://www.spaced-out.org.uk/forums/index.php?showtopic=7146 Edgar Wright Q&A] on the ''Spaced Out'' forum
*{{imdb title|id=0187664|title={{PAGENAME}}}}
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]
[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]

Spaced

2016-06-15T20:27:30Z

Sketchmoose: /* Battles [1.4] */ rm visual joke, formatting, punctuation

'''''[[w:Spaced|Spaced]]''''' is a British television situation comedy written by and starring [[w:Simon Pegg|Simon Pegg]] and [[w:Jessica Stevenson|Jessica Stevenson]], directed by [[w:Edgar Wright|Edgar Wright]], and broadcast on Channel 4. The show concerns Tim and Daisy, two young people pretending to be a couple in order to rent a North London flat. It is notable for its almost constant dropping of pop-culture references. Two series, each of seven episodes, have been broadcast (in Autumn 1999 and Spring 2001). The first series was a nominee for Best TV Sitcom in the 1999 British Comedy Awards.

==Season 1==
===Beginnings [1.1]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders, who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': I never said that.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, but it'd be good though, wouldn't it?
:'''Daisy''': ''[shrugs]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[To his ex-girlfriend Sarah]''
:'''Tim''': You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other... donkey.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Do you want another cup of tea?
:'''Tim''':Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': What do you do, Brian?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': I'm an artist.
:'''Daisy''': Oh, Tim's an artist. What kind of thing do you do?
:'''Brian''': Anger.
:''[Shot of Brian attacking the canvas furiously]''
:'''Brian''': Pain.
:''[Shot of Brian pricking his finger with a needle and whimpering]''
:'''Brian''': Fear.
:''[Shot of Brian cowering in the dark as creepy music plays]''
:'''Brian''': Aggression.
:''[Shot of Brian violently smashing an egg with a hammer]''
:'''Daisy''': Watercolours?
:'''Brian''': It's a bit more complex than that.
:'''Daisy''': Tim does cartoons.
:'''Tim''': It's a bit more complex than that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': ''[being dumped]'' I don't understand, just... eergh... give me a reason! You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can '''''be''''' emotional! Jesus I cried like child at the end of Terminator 2... You know, with the thumb, and the molten...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Do you rent downstairs?
:'''Brian''': D'you mean am I gay?
:'''Daisy''': What?
:'''Brian''': D'you mean am I gay?
:'''Daisy''': No, I meant "are you renting the downstairs flat?"
:'''Brian''': Oh, right. Yep, sort of.
:'''Tim''': Are you gay?
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Tim''': Are you gay?
:'''Brian''': ''[Thoughtfully]'' No.

===Gatherings [1.2]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Wanna go back into your party?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': But they were playing 'The Time Warp'! I hate 'The Time Warp'!
:'''Mike''': Daisy likes it.
:'''Tim''': I don't ''care''! I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': What is this? This is rubbish! We should be listening to firm young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass! God I sound so stupid!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brian''': I'm busy Tim, painting a triptych.
:'''Tim''': Oh yeah what's it called?
:'''Brian''': Bad sandwich.
:'''Tim''': Really?
:'''Brian''': Yes.
:'''Tim''': Mmm.
:'''Brian''': It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event. A synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive, expressions...
:'''Tim''': There'll be girls at the party.
:'''Brian''': Really?
:'''Tim''': Yes.
:'''Brian''': Mmmmm...

===Art [1.3]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': You're up early.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.
:'''Daisy''': Oh Tim, that's so tacky.
:'''Tim''': Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice... I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Where's Mike?
:''[cuts briefly to shot of Mike running around a tree, revving an imaginary motorbike and making engine noises]''
:'''Tim''': ''[shrugs and mumbles]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late eighties.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
:'''Tim''': Porn.
:'''Daisy''': Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
:'''Tim''': I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': LOOK! Daisy... Daisy, Daisy, Daisy... It's gonna be okay... Now have a big toke on this South-African drugs reefer style splif doobie.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After practicing introducing himself in a mirror]''
:'''Brian''': Brian. Painter. Loser. ''Big... fucking loser''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': ''[noticing Brian at the after-show party]'' Oh Brian, you came!
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': No, I just spilt my drink.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': I can't believe some of the shit I used to do with you!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': ''[On [[Resident Evil]]]'' It's a subtle blend of [[lateral thinking]] and extreme violence.
:'''Brian''': What, like "It's A Knock Out"?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Brian has received his party invite]''
:'''Tim''': So are you going to go?
:'''Brian''': I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.
:'''Tim''': No. I mean, are you going to go, ''now''?
:'''Brian''': Oh, yeah. ''[He leaves]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Brian's coming up.
:'''Daisy''': Why'd he phone?
:'''Tim''': I dunno, why'd he paint his arse blue last week?
:'''Daisy''': You don't like him, do you?
:'''Tim''': No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.
:''[Brian enters, wearing a very loud waistcoat]''
:'''Brian''': How do you think I look?
:'''Tim''': Bit pretentious?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brian''': Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
:'''Tim''': I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inspired by Tim's punching of Vulva]''
:'''Brian''': Vulva turned me into a monkey! I'm not a monkey! I'm a man! A monkey... man!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': So what happened last night then?
:'''Daisy''': Well we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in [[w:Twiglets|Twiglets]] and you punched an artist in the face.
:'''Tim''': Shit, I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.
:'''Daisy''': Why not?
:'''Tim''': They make me violent.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Tim''': Where are you?
:'''Mike''': Uh, Sheffield.
:'''Tim''': What are you doing in Sheffield?
:'''Mike''': I fell asleep on the tube.
:'''Tim''': The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
:'''Tim''': Alright, well don't fall asleep on the way back, ok?
:''[Mike falls asleep on the phone]''
:'''Tim''': Mike?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Tim''': Now come on! There's no reason to stay here any longer than necessary! Let's split up, look for survivors and get out of here!

===Battles [1.4]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': You're so damaged; just because Sarah hurt you, you feel justified in wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Yes... yes... and I'd do it again, I tell you, I'd do it again in an instant! ''[Laughs manically then jumps out of the window]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': Can I borrow a tea-bag?
:'''Tim''': ''[sarcastically]'' Only if you bring it back. ''[pauses]'' You can HAVE a tea-bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
:'''Brian''': What are you playing?
:'''Tim''': ''Tomb Raider 3''.
:'''Brian''': She's drowning.
:'''Tim''': Yeah.
:'''Brian''': Is that the point of the game?
:'''Tim''': Depends what mood you're in really.
:'''Brian''': What sort of mood are you in then?
:'''Tim''': Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure.
:'''Brian''': So it didn't really work then.
:'''Tim''': No, it made me wanna drown things! ''[turns around, sees Brian dressed as a painting]'' You've got paint on you.
:'''Brian''': It's a literal tribute to the self reflexivity of Rembrandt.
:'''Tim''': Did he like it?
:'''Brian''': He's dead.
:'''Tim''': Bloody hell, that really backfired.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Daisy''': C'mon, Colin! We're taking you away from this place.
:'''Twist''': Colin?
:'''Daisy''': That's what I called my box.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Paintball player''': Gosh, this is so exciting!
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': This your first time, kid?
:'''Paintball player''': I'm thirty-six.
:'''Mike''': This your first time, old man?
:'''Paintball player''': Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, I've always fancied myself.
:'''Mike''': I've always fancied you...
:'''Tim''': ''[quickly]'' Not here!
:'''Paintball player''': You've done this before, then?
:'''Mike''': You could say that.
:'''Paintball player''': What do you mean?
:'''Mike''': Well, let's just say the last time I was in this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun.
:'''Paintball player''': ''[in awe]'' You've seen ''combat''?
:'''Mike''': Yes, yes I have.
:'''Paintball player''': Where?
:'''Mike''': Umm, on the television!
:'''Paintball player''': But you just said the last time you were in this situation you didn't use a paintball gun!
:'''Tim''': He didn't.
:'''Paintball player''': Well, what did you use?
:'''Mike''': Erm, it was a big stick...?
<hr width="50%">
:''[About Duane]''
:'''Tim''': He's made this personal.
:'''Mike''': I thought he made it personal when he slept with your girlfriend.
:'''Tim''': Well, he's made it ''more'' personal.
:'''Mike''': I don't think it gets much ''more'' personal than sleeping with your girlfriend, Tim.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Duane''': You know what they say about love and war.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Duane''': See, Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.
:'''Tim''': It's not a bedsit. It's a flat. ''[Shoots Duane in the groin]'' Yes! ''[Turns and sees Mike on the ground]'' No Mike! Mike! Oh Jesus no! ''[Mike throws up paint out of his mouth]'' MEDIC!
:'''Mike''': Is that you Tim?
:'''Tim''': Yeah I'm here, man; just hold on, hold on!
:'''Mike''': I'm tired, Tim.
:'''Tim''': Just err... everything's going to be fine I promised. ''[Cries]'' I'm sorry I said those things, I just... wasn't thinking straight.
:'''Mike''': I can say some pretty stupid things myself sometimes.
:'''Tim''': No, Mike, I'm the stupid one. I've always been the stupid one. ''[Mike smiles]'' What are you laughing it?
:'''Mike''': I guess I got to be the hero after all.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, I guess you did.
:'''Mike''': I've gotta— I've gotta sleep.
:'''Tim''': No no, Mike, stay with me.
:'''Mike''': So tired, so tired. Goodbye old friend.
:'''Tim''': No, Mike! ''[Mike appears to die from his paintball injuries]'' NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<hr width="50%">
:'''Brian''': So where is he then? The little dog? ''[Daisy squeaks and points at Brian]'' The headband, isn't it? Makes me look stupid?
:'''Daisy''': ''[whimpering]'' Colin...!
:'''Brian''': ...No, Daisy, it's me, Brian...
:'''Daisy''': I think you're sitting on my dog....

===Chaos [1.5]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...
:'''Tim''': Pilchards.
:'''Daisy''': Banana and...
:'''Bilbo''': Acorns.
:'''Daisy''': Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toasted sandwich maker away. And, you know what?
:'''Tim''': What?
:'''Daisy''': You don't miss it.
:'''Bilbo''': So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him'.
:'''Tim''': No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich'.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': When friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You mean we kill the dog?
:'''Mike''': [whilst nodding] No...
:'''Tim''': Spoil sport.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About Colin the dog.]''
:'''Daisy''': How can you not like him? He's so cute. Aw...
:'''Tim''': Yeah, that's how it all starts, with oohs and ahs, but later there's barking and biting! He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world and spend years of your life doting on his little furry head, and then one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer.
:'''Daisy''': We don't have a tumble dryer.
:'''Tim''': You will, my friend. You will.
:'''Daisy''': Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep seated psychological disorders -
:'''Tim''': Thank you.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After an original Star Wars trilogy marathon]''
:'''Tim''': You know, Brian, everything that happened in those movies can be attributed to the actions of one man.
:'''Brian''': Who?
:'''Tim''': The gunner on the Star Destroyer in the first film.
:'''Brian''': What d'you mean?
:'''Tim''': ''[chuckles in a knowing way]'' Well, if he'd shot the pod with Artoo and Threepio in, they wouldn't have made it to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have saved Princess Leia, ''none of it'' would have happened.
:'''Brian''': Chaos theory....
:'''Tim''': Eh?
:'''Brian''': The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it - past, present, future - is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.
:'''Daisy''': So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?
:'''Brian''': An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.
:'''Tim''': ''[In dawning realization]'' Oh my god...
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Daisy''': What?
:'''Tim''': I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket.
:''[They all cheer]''
:'''Tim''': ''[Sings]'' Oh Mummy, Oh Daddy, Lets all play Kabadi.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Mike, I'll see you back here at twenty-two hundred hours. Everyone else, I'll see you back here at ten.

===Epiphanies [1.6]===
:''[Tim speaks to Mike on the phone]''
:'''Tim''': What you doing playing Army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill!
:'''Mike''': The T.A is no game Tim!
:'''Tim''': It isn't the T.A Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.
:'''Mike''': You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in bed."
:'''Tim''': Yeah, and you're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in ''[[Apocalypse Now]]''."
:''[Mike blows a bird whistle]''
:'''Tim''': That's easy for you to say. What you doing later on?
:'''Mike''': It's classified.
:'''Tim''': Well, why don't you come round? Look, I'm bored.
:'''Mike''': I can't. Combat canoeing. I'm going to do an Eskimo Roll with a two stone rucksack in my bag, along with a loaded rifle.
:'''Tim''': They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers Mike.
:'''Mike''': Hand grenades?
:'''Tim''': No!
:'''Mike''': Anthrax?
:'''Tim''': Mike!
:'''Mike''': Listen Tim. I Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger. Bravo. Tango. Alpha!
:''[Mike puts the phone down, and sees some kids carrying a canoe over]''
:'''Kid''': Come on, Mike!
:''[Mike gives the kids a thumbs up]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tim opens the door and sees Mike]''
:'''Tim''': How is she?
:'''Mike''': The fibreglass on the outer casing was severely damaged in the incident.
:'''Tim''': What happened?
:'''Mike''': Showing off Tim, I had 15 rocks in my rucksack, instead of the regulation 5. I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water, she was sitting so low, so low. But I didn't stop Tim, 15 rocks in my rucksack and everyone knew it.
:'''Tim''': So what happened when you rolled?
:'''Mike''': I lost control of the vessel 2 feet from the shore. When I struggled to right her, I banged it into the jetty, damaging the canoe's carcass.
:''[Tim nods and listens on]''
:'''Mike''': The "Ramble" Leader, had to dive in and rescue me from beneath the canoe.
:'''Tim''': So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll, it was more of a case of rolling right ''Inuit''.
:''[Mike stares, confused]''
:'''Tim''': Inuit's another word for Eskimo!
:'''Mike''':''[Mike sobs]'' I've been thrown out Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me anymore!
:'''Tim''': ''[Tries to comfort Mike]'' Come on. Come on. Come on.
:'''Mike''': (I've gotta) face it Tim, I'm not the big man, not the leader. Noone's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.
:'''Tim''': You're not a failure, Mike, you're not! You're too good for them, they're not ready for you, You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.
:'''Mike''': Like the [[w:The A-Team|A-Team]].
:'''Tim''': Yeah, you're like Mr. T. but white and hairy. And I feel sorry for anyone who says you're not.
:'''Mike''': I pity the fool.
:'''Tim''': ''I'' pity the fool.
:'''Mike''': ''[Mr. T voice]'' I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka!
:'''Tim''': ''[irritable]'' Stop that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Preparing to go out clubbing]''
:'''Mike''': I had to dress up as an elderly Israeli woman once.
:'''Tim''': Really?
:'''Mike''': I didn't ''have'' to.
:'''Tim''': We should talk.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tyres''': Last night was an A-1, tip top clubbing jam fair. It was a sandwich of fun on ecstacy bread, wrapped up in a big bag like disco fudge. It doesn't get much better than that, I just wish sometimes I could control these FOCKING MOOD SWINGS! ''[calmer]'' So what did youse two friends do last night?
:'''Daisy''': We just stayed in, didn't we, had a laugh, played [[w:Scrabble|Scrabble]].
<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': We're going to a club later on, do you wanna come out?
:'''Brian''': ''(through the door)'' Don't go to clubs.
:'''Tim''': Come on, Brian, what d'you mean you don't go to clubs?
:'''Brian''': ''[peeks out]'' I'm working, Tim. Working. D'you understand.
:'''Tim''': No...
:'''Brian''': Trying to....avoid...cliches...by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
:'''Tim''': Right...
:'''Brian''': I'm using my penis.
:'''Tim''': Finally.
:'''Brian''': D'you want to see?
:'''Tim''': No, just about to have my tea...

===Ends [1.7]===
:''[About the possibility of getting back with his old girlfriend]''
:'''Tim Bisley''': This is something that I've always wanted! You have things you want, you're always going on about going to Asia and seeing the Taj Mahal.
:'''Daisy Steiner''': I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with it's boss behind my back and break my heart!
:'''Tim Bisley''': Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dropping Mike off for his interview with the Territorial Army]''
:'''Mike''': Aren't you coming in with me?
:'''Tim''': I'm not your dad, Mike! ''[Hands him a lunch box]'' Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Before his meeting with the TA officials]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Thinking]'' I'm [[w:Andy McNab|Andy McNab]], I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm [[w:Andie MacDowell|Andie MacDowell]] - ohhh...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, ''en route'' I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
:'''TA Officer''': Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
:'''Mike''': Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
:'''TA Officer''': Why do you think that was?
:'''Mike''': ''[Shrugs]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike is undertaking a Rorschach ink test; the first card is very obviously a couple making love]''
:'''Mike''': War.
:'''TA Officer''': ''[Holding the next card]'' This one?
:'''Mike''': Bomb.
:'''TA Officer''': ''[Next card]'' This one?
:'''Mike''': Guts.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': Guns.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': Guts and guns.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Happily]'' Butterfly.
:''[The TA Officer frowns]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Realizes]'' Butterfly with a ''bomb''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''TA Officer''': Finally, Mr Watt, how does this make you feel?
:''[He throws Mike an sheathed military knife; Mike expertly grabs and unsheaths it]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Grins happily]'' Nice.
:'''TA Officer''': Welcome back, Mike.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About ending his relationship with Sarah]''
:'''Tim''': I just had a moment of clarity, you know, I woke up. It's like... you know when you have an orgasm on your own? ''[Daisy looks increasingly disgusted and uncertain during the following:]'' You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken lonely night in Soho, and you're lying there and everything's going really great, you're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images, everything seems so right, and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you ''know'' is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is ''somewhere'' on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What're you doing?" That's how I felt tonight feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. "What the fuck are you doing?"
:'''Daisy''': Well, that's... love, isn't it? Load of old wank.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status quo, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle.
:''[The pub band starts playing 'Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby?']''
:'''Tim''': Do you wanna dance?
:'''Daisy''': You know what? I think I do.
:''[They dance happily]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About getting back with Sarah]''
:'''Daisy''': What do you mean, you have a "funny feeling"?
:'''Tim''': I can read her like a book.
:'''Daisy''': Never judge a book by its cover.
:'''Tim''': He who dares, wins.
:'''Daisy''': Look before you leap.
:'''Tim''': Do ''you'' believe in life after love?
:'''Daisy''': That's a song.
:'''Tim''': ...shit.

==Season 2==
===Back [2.1]===
:'''Tim''': ''[on Twist]'' I haven't actually figured her out just yet. She's either sweet and stupid or an evil genius.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Tim''': '[in voiceover]'' Marsha's our landlady and as far as she's concerned, Daisy and me are a professional couple, but that's not really important. Anyway, she's lovely.
:'''Marsha''': FUCK OFF!
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Agent''': Daisy Steiner?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': Yes...
:'''Agent''': Are you Daisy Steiner?
:'''Brian''': No...
:'''Agent''': Do you know where she is?
:'''Brian''': ...No.
:'''Agent''': ''Do you know where she is?''
:'''Brian''': Why?
:'''Agent''': Miss Steiner is under suspicion of bringing a bag containing sensitive materials into the country.
:'''Brian''': Sensitive...
:'''Agent''': Can you tell us where she is, Mr. Topp?
:'''Brian''': ...How d'you know my name?
:'''Agent''': It's written on the doorbell.
:'''Brian''': ...Oh yeah.
:'''Agent''': Where is she, Brian?
:'''Brian''': Brian isn't on the door bell...
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Brian''': They arrived just before you did...
:'''Tim''': You Lando!
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mike''': I'm off to point the pink pistol at the porcelain firing range.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mike''': Note to self: Shoot first, quip later.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Agent''': Don't even think about leaving the country.
:'''Daisy''': I won't... I can't afford it.

===Change [2.2]===
:''[Amber has woken everyone up screaming and throwing things out the window]''
:'''Daisy''': I'm sorry!
:'''Mike''': I'm hit!
:'''Brian''': I'M BLIND!
:'''Tim''': Buffy...?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[To a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace fan]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you?! Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50ps, take your pocket money, '''''and GET OUT!'''''
:''[The little boy runs out, crying]''
:'''Tim''': What a prick.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': I was like you once. Blonde hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans, and spunk. I let my principles get in the way of things. I punched a bloke in the face once for saying ''Hawk the Slayer'' was rubbish.
:'''Tim''': Good for you.
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': Yeah, thanks. But that's not the point, Tim. The point is I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said was "Dad, you're right - but let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later." ''[pause]'' ''[[w:Star Wars - The Phantom Menace|The Phantom Menace]]'' was eighteen ''months'' ago, Tim!
:'''Tim''': I know Bilbo, but... it still hurts, you know? I mean, that kid wanted a Jar Jar doll!
:'''Bilbo''': Kids ''like'' Jar Jar!
:'''Tim''': Why?
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': What about the Ewoks eh? They were ''rubbish''! You don't complain about ''them''!
:'''Tim''': Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft!

<hr width="50%">
:'''DSS Woman''': How long have you been unemployed, Mr Bisley?
:'''Tim''': ''[checks watch]'' About an hour and a half.
:'''DSS Woman''': Have you been looking for work?
:'''Tim''': ''[laughs, then sees she's serious]'' Um, no.
:'''DSS Woman''': Why did you leave your last job?
:'''Tim''': Got fired.
:'''DSS Woman''': Why?
:'''Tim''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Uh, a difference of opinion...
:'''DSS Woman''': ''The Phantom Menace''?
:'''Tim''': ''[pauses, then, surprised]'' Yeah...
:'''DSS Woman''': Didn't you like it?
:'''Tim''': ''[cautiously]'' No...
:'''DSS Woman''': Well, ''[taps nose conspiratorially]'' you leave this with me. I'll get you some money out in the next few days.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Twist''': So, don't forget to wash your sheets...
:'''Brian''': Right.
:'''Twist''': ...and your penis.
:'''Brian''': Okay.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Daisy''': What are we going to do? You're unemployed. I've got no money coming in. How am I going to afford aspirational magazines?!

<hr width="50%">
:''[After Tim has found a new job in a rival comic shop; Bilbo has come in]''
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Sniffy]'' He should store his special editions behind the counter, not hide them away at the back of the shop. Man's insane.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Stand-offish]'' What's ''Derek'' like as a boss?
:'''Tim''': ''[Stand-offish]'' He's okay. Don't fully agree with his policy on vintage comic display.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Desperate]'' Look, Tim, I'm sorry I fired you. It was a mistake! Will you come back?
:'''Tim''': Oh, why? Things not working out with the new guy?
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Sheepish]'' You could say that.
:''[Flash cut to Bilbo's shop]''
:'''Tim's Replacement''': ''Hawk the Slayer's'' rubbish!
:''[Bilbo punches him; cut back to the rival comic shop]''
:'''Tim''': ''[Stand-offish]'' I see.
:'''Bilbo''': Will you come back?
:'''Tim''': Well, I like it here, Bilbo. What makes you think I ''want'' to come back?
:'''Bilbo''': This.
:''[Bilbo produces an answering machine from nowhere and presses play]''
:'''Tim''': ''[On machine; sobbing]'' Look, B-Bilbo, t-this is Tim. Please can I come back?! I don't like it here!
:'''Tim''': ''[Sheepish]'' You got that, did you?
:'''Bilbo''': I would have come in anyway. The place just isn't the same without you there.
:'''Tim''': ''[Warmly]'' I'm already there.
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Alarmed]'' What?!
:'''Tim''': I mean I'll come back.
:'''Bilbo''': Oh, right. Frightened me for a moment there.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Tim wants to get fired from his new job]''
:'''Tim''': Derek? [[w:Babylon 5|Babylon 5]]'s a big pile of shit.
:'''Derek''': Get out!!
:'''Bilbo and Tim''': ''[Joyfully]'' Hooray!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': I got me job back.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!
:'''Mike''': I got me own room.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!
:'''Tim''': Where's Brian?
:'''Mike''': He's standing in the garden with no clothes on.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!

===Mettle [2.3]===
:'''Dexter''': Have you thought any more about that rematch, Michael?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Yes and no.
:'''Dexter''': What does that mean?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': It means 'yes, he's thought about it' and 'no, he doesn't want one'. ''[To Mike]'' Doesn't it?
:'''Mike''': Yes.
:'''Dexter''': So that's a 'no', is it?
:'''Tim''' and '''Mike''': ''[Momentarily uncertain]'' ... Yes.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': What does "T.F.U" stand for?
:'''Tim''': Uh... The Fuckest Upest.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daisy pretending to be [[w:Philippa Forrester|Philippa Forrester]] to interview Tim]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': This is a very large machine Tim. Take you long?
:'''Tim''': No, not really.
:'''Daisy''': Hm, fast worker?
:'''Tim''': Well why don't you come on back to my flat and we'll find out.
:'''Daisy''': I think you've already answered my question ''[laughs]''.
:'''Tim''': So you like my robot then.
:'''Daisy''': I love it. ''[gasp]'' What's this?
:'''Tim''': It's an axe. Feel the weight.
:''[Daisy lifts the axe. Both draw in a breath.]''
:'''Daisy''': There's nothing more devastating than a big chopper.
:'''Tim''': Shhh...''[places a finger over Daisy's lips]'' Don't cheapen this. ''[moves the hair from her face]''
:''[Daisy and Tim move closer, apparently about to kiss, when Mike opens the front door.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[suspicious]'' What's going on?
:'''Tim''': Uh, I was just coming - to the pub, with you.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I think we should take the Private down to the shed.
:''[Mike goes to another room.]''
:'''Daisy''': Hmm, what's up with Mike?
:'''Tim''': Nothing, he just, he usually likes to be Philippa.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about the robot's axe, both covered in plasters and bruises]''
:'''Tim''': I think we should lose the axe.
:'''Mike''': I like the axe.
:'''Tim''': I like my face.
:'''Mike''': I like your face.
:'''Tim''': Let's keep the axe.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trying to figure out who destroyed 'Private Iron']''
:'''Tim''': I think I can guess.
:'''Mike''': This isn't the work of amateurs, Tim. Private Iron was taken apart by someone who knew what they were doing.
:'''Tim''': Right, and what happens now?
:'''Mike''': Well, if we can't fix him in time, we're automatically disqualified. Runners-up go through.
:'''Tim''': And they are?
:'''Mike''': ''[Gasps, as if realizing]'' Dexter and Cromwell!
:'''Tim''': Right.
:'''Mike''': ... So who did this?
:'''Tim''': They did!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After having smashed Tim and Mike's robot]''
:'''Dexter''': Ah, Michael. Heard about your robot. Crying shame.
:'''Tim''': What do you mean, 'crying shame'? You did it, you... fucking plum.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robot Club Leader''': Gentlemen, welcome to Robot Club. The first rule of Robot Club is, you do not talk about about Robot Club. The second rule of Robot Club is, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT Ro… wait, I… got that wrong. [Unfolding a crumpled up piece of paper and pushing up his glasses] The second rule is, no smoking.
:'''Tim''': Why aren't we allowed to smoke?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': We're not allowed to talk about it.

===Help [2.4]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim Bisley|Tim]]''': Could you go and tell Mike that I need him, please?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy Steiner|Daisy]]''': What for?
:'''Tim''': No reason, I just... I need him.

<hr width="50%">
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy Steiner|Daisy]]''': [To Mike working out with Marsha] Tim wants you.
:'''Mike''': Does he want me or need me?
:'''Daisy''': Needs you.
:'''Mike''': Ok then.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': You ready, Mike?
:'''Mike''': I was born ready, Timmy.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, but are you ready ''now''?
:'''Mike''': Ummm... yeah.

<hr width="50%">
:''[After Sophie has recovered Tim's unflattering portrait of Damien Knox, thus saving his job interview]''
:'''Tim''': How are you, Sophie?
:'''Sophie''': Fine thanks.
:'''Tim''': ''[Playing it cool]'' Good. Forgot you worked here.
:'''Sophie''': Really? ''[Places down another, extremely flattering, portrait of Sophie, surrounded by a love heart]''
:''[Tim giggles nervously]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Via walkie-talkie]'' Tim! That girl you fancy's coming into the office!
:'''Tim''': ''[Into walkie-talkie, sheepishly]'' Thanks, Mike.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tyres''': Are we happy?
:'''Tim''':Are we happy.
:'''Tyres''': Excellent. Mine's a pint of the black stuff.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': (scoffs) You can't drink a pint of Bovril.

===Gone [2.5]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Right, I'm off for a night of running about in the dark with a gun, so you've got to stay here and be good for your Uncle Michael. [To Colin, while polishing his glasses] Settle down, relax and get comfy, because you my friend... are going ''nowhere''. [Looks down to see that Colin is gone; in a whimpering tone:] Oh, bollocks!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On realizing who Duane is]''
:'''Daisy''': You're Duane. The Duane Duane.
:'''Duane Benzie''': Duane Benzie.
:'''Daisy''': The Duane Benzie that... [Whistles]
:'''Tim''': Stole my girlfriend.
:'''Duane Benzie''': Well, that depends on which way you look at it.
:'''Daisy''': I think that Tim looks at it that way.
:'''Tim''': Yes, I do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Duane Benzie''': I haven't seen you since...
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Yeah, well. No hard feelings, eh?
:'''Duane Benzie''': You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.
:'''Tim''': Like I said. No hard feelings.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having stolen Tim's house keys]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': At last, I will emerge as the victor. [[The_Phantom_Menace#Darth_Maul|At last, I will have... revenge.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Romford Thug''': This ain't grass.
:'''Romford Thug Leader''': What?
:'''Romford Thug''': It's oregano.
:'''Romford Thug Leader''': How can you tell?
:'''Romford Thug''': I'm a catering student.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After crashing with the Romford thugs]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': ''[To the leader]'' You bloody idiot! Have you any idea how much this car cost? Why don't you piss off back to Romford where you belong. You little prick! Eh? Eh?
:''[He turns; the others have sneaked up behind him, like the Raptors in ''[[Jurassic Park]]''.]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': ''[Darkly]'' Clever boys.
:''[The thugs give Duane a good kicking]''

===Leaves [2.7]===
:''[Tim, Mike and Brian are trying to persuade Marsha not to sell the house]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Okay, listen. When we get there, let me do the talking, okay? I am the only one here capable of serious communication. ''[Instantly regretful]'' Sorry, sorry! That sounded bad. I didn't mean to suggest that you're not good communicators, okay Mike?
:''[Mike grunts non-verbally]''
:'''Tim''': Brian?
:''[Brian whimpers non-verbally]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Marsha, they say the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, not relatives. If that's true, then you're the best auntie I've ever had.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Aren't you going to ask us how it went?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': How did it go?
:'''Tim''': Really ''badly''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Colin's gone.
:'''Tim''': What?
:'''Daisy''': He went next door.
:'''Tim''': Oh, Daisy, I'm so sorry. How did it happen?
:'''Daisy''': ''[Bemused]''... He walked.
:'''Tim''': Right, right, sorry. See, my mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.
:'''Mike''': Whoa, hold on, does that mean my rabbit's dead?
:'''Tim''': It's been eighteen years, Mike, where did you think he was?
:'''Mike''': ''[whimpers]'' Next door!

== Miscellaneous ==
===Skip To The End===
''[NOTE: Although 'Skip To The End' was primarily a factually-based documentary concerning the making of and influence of ''Spaced'', it did contain a brief 'epilogue' to the series with Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson in character]''

:''[Daisy exits the house; Tim follows her a moment later with a baby in his arms]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': I think she's filled her nappy again. Will you change her?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': I made the tea!
:'''Tim''': I went to the shop!
:'''Daisy''': I was in labour for fifteen hours!
:'''Tim''': You win!
:''[They kiss]''
:'''Tim''': Love you.
:'''Daisy''': I know.
:''[They turn to go back inside]''
:'''Tim''': Come on, Luke.
:'''Daisy''': Tim, we're not calling her 'Luke'.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.spaced-out.org.uk/ ''Spaced Out''] - official, fan-operated website
*[http://www.spaced-out.org.uk/forums/index.php?showtopic=7146 Edgar Wright Q&A] on the ''Spaced Out'' forum
*{{imdb title|id=0187664|title={{PAGENAME}}}}
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]
[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]

Spaced

2016-06-15T20:19:24Z

Sketchmoose: /* Art [1.3] */ punctuation, links

'''''[[w:Spaced|Spaced]]''''' is a British television situation comedy written by and starring [[w:Simon Pegg|Simon Pegg]] and [[w:Jessica Stevenson|Jessica Stevenson]], directed by [[w:Edgar Wright|Edgar Wright]], and broadcast on Channel 4. The show concerns Tim and Daisy, two young people pretending to be a couple in order to rent a North London flat. It is notable for its almost constant dropping of pop-culture references. Two series, each of seven episodes, have been broadcast (in Autumn 1999 and Spring 2001). The first series was a nominee for Best TV Sitcom in the 1999 British Comedy Awards.

==Season 1==
===Beginnings [1.1]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You're scared of mice and spiders, but oh-so-much greater is your fear that one day the two species will cross-breed to form an all-powerful race of mice-spiders, who will immobilize human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': I never said that.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, but it'd be good though, wouldn't it?
:'''Daisy''': ''[shrugs]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[To his ex-girlfriend Sarah]''
:'''Tim''': You can't dangle the bogus carrot of possible reconciliation in front of my face whilst riding some other... donkey.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Do you want another cup of tea?
:'''Tim''':Ooh, no thanks, twelve's my limit.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': What do you do, Brian?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': I'm an artist.
:'''Daisy''': Oh, Tim's an artist. What kind of thing do you do?
:'''Brian''': Anger.
:''[Shot of Brian attacking the canvas furiously]''
:'''Brian''': Pain.
:''[Shot of Brian pricking his finger with a needle and whimpering]''
:'''Brian''': Fear.
:''[Shot of Brian cowering in the dark as creepy music plays]''
:'''Brian''': Aggression.
:''[Shot of Brian violently smashing an egg with a hammer]''
:'''Daisy''': Watercolours?
:'''Brian''': It's a bit more complex than that.
:'''Daisy''': Tim does cartoons.
:'''Tim''': It's a bit more complex than that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': ''[being dumped]'' I don't understand, just... eergh... give me a reason! You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can '''''be''''' emotional! Jesus I cried like child at the end of Terminator 2... You know, with the thumb, and the molten...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Do you rent downstairs?
:'''Brian''': D'you mean am I gay?
:'''Daisy''': What?
:'''Brian''': D'you mean am I gay?
:'''Daisy''': No, I meant "are you renting the downstairs flat?"
:'''Brian''': Oh, right. Yep, sort of.
:'''Tim''': Are you gay?
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Tim''': Are you gay?
:'''Brian''': ''[Thoughtfully]'' No.

===Gatherings [1.2]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Wanna go back into your party?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': But they were playing 'The Time Warp'! I hate 'The Time Warp'!
:'''Mike''': Daisy likes it.
:'''Tim''': I don't ''care''! I hate it! It's boil-in-the-bag perversion for sexually repressed accountants and first-year drama students with too many posters of Betty Blue, The Blues Brothers, Big Blue and Blue Velvet on their blue bloody walls!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': What is this? This is rubbish! We should be listening to firm young melodies, kicking tunes, thumping bass! God I sound so stupid!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brian''': I'm busy Tim, painting a triptych.
:'''Tim''': Oh yeah what's it called?
:'''Brian''': Bad sandwich.
:'''Tim''': Really?
:'''Brian''': Yes.
:'''Tim''': Mmm.
:'''Brian''': It's a piece about violence in its immediacy, the instancy of the event. A synchronic rendering of three explosive, aggressive, expressions...
:'''Tim''': There'll be girls at the party.
:'''Brian''': Really?
:'''Tim''': Yes.
:'''Brian''': Mmmmm...

===Art [1.3]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': You're up early.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Oh, I haven't been to bed. Me and Mike met up with these two Scottish guys in the pub and they gave us all this cheap speed.
:'''Daisy''': Oh Tim, that's so tacky.
:'''Tim''': Yeah I know, but y'know they were so nice... I think if we'd said no they'd have got offended and beaten us to death with a pool cue.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Where's Mike?
:''[cuts briefly to shot of Mike running around a tree, revving an imaginary motorbike and making engine noises]''
:'''Tim''': ''[shrugs and mumbles]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': Abstract expressionism is so mid-to-late eighties.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': You know when you said it went well? Well, when you said well, did you mean shite?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Right, I'm going to the shops. D'you want anything?
:'''Tim''': Porn.
:'''Daisy''': Tim, I'm not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
:'''Tim''': I can't, I'm an adult. I'm supposed to leave it there.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': LOOK! Daisy... Daisy, Daisy, Daisy... It's gonna be okay... Now have a big toke on this South-African drugs reefer style splif doobie.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After practicing introducing himself in a mirror]''
:'''Brian''': Brian. Painter. Loser. ''Big... fucking loser''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': ''[noticing Brian at the after-show party]'' Oh Brian, you came!
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': No, I just spilt my drink.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vulva''': I can't believe some of the shit I used to do with you!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': ''[On [[Resident Evil]]]'' It's a subtle blend of [[lateral thinking]] and extreme violence.
:'''Brian''': What, like "It's A Knock Out"?
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Brian has received his party invite]''
:'''Tim''': So are you going to go?
:'''Brian''': I don't know. I haven't seen her for ages.
:'''Tim''': No. I mean, are you going to go, ''now''?
:'''Brian''': Oh, yeah. ''[He leaves]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Brian's coming up.
:'''Daisy''': Why'd he phone?
:'''Tim''': I dunno, why'd he paint his arse blue last week?
:'''Daisy''': You don't like him, do you?
:'''Tim''': No, I do. I just think he's a bit pretentious.
:''[Brian enters, wearing a very loud waistcoat]''
:'''Brian''': How do you think I look?
:'''Tim''': Bit pretentious?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Brian''': Do you think I should lose the waistcoat?
:'''Tim''': I think you should burn it. Because if you lose it, you might find it again.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inspired by Tim's punching of Vulva]''
:'''Brian''': Vulva turned me into a monkey! I'm not a monkey! I'm a man! A monkey... man!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': So what happened last night then?
:'''Daisy''': Well we went to see an interesting piece of contemporary theatre, drank an enormous amount of free wine, ate our body-weight in [[w:Twiglets|Twiglets]] and you punched an artist in the face.
:'''Tim''': Shit, I'm not supposed to eat Twiglets.
:'''Daisy''': Why not?
:'''Tim''': They make me violent.
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Tim''': Where are you?
:'''Mike''': Uh, Sheffield.
:'''Tim''': What are you doing in Sheffield?
:'''Mike''': I fell asleep on the tube.
:'''Tim''': The tube doesn't go to Sheffield, Mike.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, I, uh, must have changed at Kings Cross.
:'''Tim''': Alright, well don't fall asleep on the way back, ok?
:''[Mike falls asleep on the phone]''
:'''Tim''': Mike?
<hr width="50%" />
:'''Tim''': Now come on! There's no reason to stay here any longer than necessary! Let's split up, look for survivors and get out of here!

===Battles [1.4]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': You're so damaged; just because Sarah hurt you, you feel justified in wreaking your petty vengeance on womankind.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Yes... yes... and I'd do it again, I tell you, I'd do it again in an instant! ''[Laughs manically then jumps out of the window]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': We're going paintballing later.
:'''Daisy''': I thought Mike was banned?
:'''Tim''': Only for six months.
:'''Daisy''': Oh, yeah? And how does that poor accountant feel about that?
:[Scene changes to a shell-shocked accountant in a straight jacket and padded room]
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': Can I borrow a tea-bag?
:'''Tim''': ''[sarcastically]'' Only if you bring it back. ''[pauses]'' You can HAVE a tea-bag, Brian, you can't borrow one.
:'''Brian''': What are you playing?
:'''Tim''': ''Tomb Raider 3''.
:'''Brian''': She's drowning.
:'''Tim''': Yeah.
:'''Brian''': Is that the point of the game?
:'''Tim''': Depends what mood you're in really.
:'''Brian''': What sort of mood are you in then?
:'''Tim''': Well, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure.
:'''Brian''': So it didn't really work then.
:'''Tim''': No, it made me wanna drown things! ''[turns around, sees Brian dressed as a painting]'' You've got paint on you.
:'''Brian''': It's a literal tribute to the self reflexivity of Rembrandt.
:'''Tim''': Did he like it?
:'''Brian''': He's dead.
:'''Tim''': Bloody hell, that really backfired.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Daisy''': C'mon, Colin! We're taking you away from this place.
:'''Twist''': Colin?
:'''Daisy''': That's what I called my box.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Paintball player''': Gosh, this is so exciting!
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': This your first time, kid?
:'''Paintball player''': I'm thirty-six.
:'''Mike''': This your first time, old man?
:'''Paintball player''': Yeah. I've always fancied myself as a bit of a soldier.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, I've always fancied myself.
:'''Mike''': I've always fancied you...
:'''Tim''': ''[quickly]'' Not here!
:'''Paintball player''': You've done this before, then?
:'''Mike''': You could say that.
:'''Paintball player''': What do you mean?
:'''Mike''': Well, let's just say the last time I was in this situation, I wasn't using a paintball gun.
:'''Paintball player''': ''[in awe]'' You've seen ''combat''?
:'''Mike''': Yes, yes I have.
:'''Paintball player''': Where?
:'''Mike''': Umm, on the television!
:'''Paintball player''': But you just said the last time you were in this situation you didn't use a paintball gun!
:'''Tim''': He didn't.
:'''Paintball player''': Well, what did you use?
:'''Mike''': Erm, it was a big stick...?
<hr width="50%">
:''[About Duane]''':
:'''Tim''': He's made this personal.
:'''Mike''': I thought he made it personal when he slept with your girlfriend.
:'''Tim''': Well, he's made it ''more'' personal.
:'''Mike''': I don't think it gets much ''more'' personal than sleeping with your girlfriend, Tim.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Duane''': You know what they say about love and war.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, one involves a lot of physical and psychological pain and the other one's war.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Duane''': See Tim, that's the difference between you and I. Organization. Careful thinking. Forward planning. And that is why I sleep in the arms of a beautiful woman and you spend your evenings alone in your bedsit. With cheap porn.
:'''Tim''': It's not a bedsit. It's a flat. ''[Shoots Duane in the groin]''
:'''Tim''': Yes! ''[Turns and sees Mike on the floor]'' No Mike! Mike! Oh Jesus no!
:''[Mike throws up paint out of his mouth]''
:'''Tim''': MEDIC!
:'''Mike''': Is that you Tim?
:'''Tim''': Yeah I'm here man, just hold on, hold on!
:'''Mike''': I'm tired Tim.
:'''Tim''': Just err... everything's going to be fine I promised. ''(Cries)'' I'm sorry I said those things, I just.. wasn't thinking straight.
:'''Mike''': I can say some pretty stupid things myself sometimes.
:'''Tim''': No Mike I'm the stupid one. I've always been the stupid one.
:''[Mike smiles]''
:'''Tim''': What are you laughing it?
:'''Mike''': I guess I got to be the hero after all.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, I guess you did.
:'''Mike''': I've gotta, I've gotta sleep.
:'''Tim''': No no Mike stay with me.
:'''Mike''': So tired, so tired. Goodbye old friend.
:'''Tim''': No Mike!
:''[Mike seemingly somehow dies from his paintball injuries]''
:'''Tim''': NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
<hr width="50%">
:'''Brian''': So where is he then? The little dog?
:'''Daisy''': ''[squeaks and points at Brian]''
:'''Brian''': The headband isn't it? Makes me look stupid?
:'''Daisy''': ''(whimpering)'' Colin..!
:'''Brian''': ...No, Daisy, it's me, Brian...
:'''Daisy''': I think you're sitting on my dog....

===Chaos [1.5]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': In the end, our relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know? And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...
:'''Tim''': Pilchards.
:'''Daisy''': Banana and...
:'''Bilbo''': Acorns.
:'''Daisy''': Acorns. And then as quickly as the desire comes, it just goes. And then you put the toasted sandwich maker away. And, you know what?
:'''Tim''': What?
:'''Daisy''': You don't miss it.
:'''Bilbo''': So what you're saying is 'Don't hide the toasted sandwich maker away, use him regularly and you'll get the most out of him'.
:'''Tim''': No, she's saying 'Chuck your boyfriend, have a sandwich'.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': When friends are concerned, sacrifices have to be made.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You mean we kill the dog?
:'''Mike''': [whilst nodding] No...
:'''Tim''': Spoil sport.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About Colin the dog.]''
:'''Daisy''': How can you not like him? He's so cute. Aw...
:'''Tim''': Yeah, that's how it all starts, with oohs and ahs, but later there's barking and biting! He's a ticking timebomb of death, Daisy. You give him all the love in the world and spend years of your life doting on his little furry head, and then one day you get back from aerobics and there he is, panting over the half eaten remains of some hapless handyman you left fixing the tumble dryer.
:'''Daisy''': We don't have a tumble dryer.
:'''Tim''': You will, my friend. You will.
:'''Daisy''': Look, Tim, I know that I've been insensitive, and I do appreciate that you are riddled with deep seated psychological disorders -
:'''Tim''': Thank you.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After an original Star Wars trilogy marathon]''
:'''Tim''': You know, Brian, everything that happened in those movies can be attributed to the actions of one man.
:'''Brian''': Who?
:'''Tim''': The gunner on the Star Destroyer in the first film.
:'''Brian''': What d'you mean?
:'''Tim''': ''[chuckles in a knowing way]'' Well, if he'd shot the pod with Artoo and Threepio in, they wouldn't have made it to Tatooine, they wouldn't have met Luke, Luke wouldn't have met Ben, they wouldn't have met Han and Chewie, they wouldn't have saved Princess Leia, ''none of it'' would have happened.
:'''Brian''': Chaos theory....
:'''Tim''': Eh?
:'''Brian''': The predictability of random events. The notion that reality as we know it - past, present, future - is in fact a mathematically predictable preordained system.
:'''Daisy''': So somewhere out there in the vastness of the unknown is an... equation... for predicting the future?
:'''Brian''': An equation so complex as to utterly defy any possibility of comprehension by even the most brilliant human mind, but an equation nonetheless.
:'''Tim''': ''[In dawning realization]'' Oh my god...
:'''Brian''': What?
:'''Daisy''': What?
:'''Tim''': I've got some fucking Jaffa Cakes in my coat pocket.
:''[They all cheer]''
:'''Tim''': ''[Sings]'' Oh Mummy, Oh Daddy, Lets all play Kabadi.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Mike, I'll see you back here at twenty-two hundred hours. Everyone else, I'll see you back here at ten.

===Epiphanies [1.6]===
:''[Tim speaks to Mike on the phone]''
:'''Tim''': What you doing playing Army on a Sunday morning, you're missing Grange Hill!
:'''Mike''': The T.A is no game Tim!
:'''Tim''': It isn't the T.A Mike, it's the Rough Ramblers.
:'''Mike''': You're a civilian, you don't understand. You're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in bed."
:'''Tim''': Yeah, and you're thinking, "It's Sunday. I'd rather be in ''[[Apocalypse Now]]''."
:''[Mike blows a bird whistle]''
:'''Tim''': That's easy for you to say. What you doing later on?
:'''Mike''': It's classified.
:'''Tim''': Well, why don't you come round? Look, I'm bored.
:'''Mike''': I can't. Combat canoeing. I'm going to do an Eskimo Roll with a two stone rucksack in my bag, along with a loaded rifle.
:'''Tim''': They don't have rifles in the Rough Ramblers Mike.
:'''Mike''': Hand grenades?
:'''Tim''': No!
:'''Mike''': Anthrax?
:'''Tim''': Mike!
:'''Mike''': Listen Tim. I Gotta go. Looks like we're moving out. Roger. Bravo. Tango. Alpha!
:''[Mike puts the phone down, and sees some kids carrying a canoe over]''
:'''Kid''': Come on, Mike!
:''[Mike gives the kids a thumbs up]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tim opens the door and sees Mike]''
:'''Tim''': How is she?
:'''Mike''': The fibreglass on the outer casing was severely damaged in the incident.
:'''Tim''': What happened?
:'''Mike''': Showing off Tim, I had 15 rocks in my rucksack, instead of the regulation 5. I knew something was wrong when I got her in the water, she was sitting so low, so low. But I didn't stop Tim, 15 rocks in my rucksack and everyone knew it.
:'''Tim''': So what happened when you rolled?
:'''Mike''': I lost control of the vessel 2 feet from the shore. When I struggled to right her, I banged it into the jetty, damaging the canoe's carcass.
:''[Tim nods and listens on]''
:'''Mike''': The "Ramble" Leader, had to dive in and rescue me from beneath the canoe.
:'''Tim''': So it wasn't so much an Eskimo roll, it was more of a case of rolling right ''Inuit''.
:''[Mike stares, confused]''
:'''Tim''': Inuit's another word for Eskimo!
:'''Mike''':''[Mike sobs]'' I've been thrown out Tim. The Rough Ramblers don't want me anymore!
:'''Tim''': ''[Tries to comfort Mike]'' Come on. Come on. Come on.
:'''Mike''': (I've gotta) face it Tim, I'm not the big man, not the leader. Noone's ever gonna look up to me. I feel like a failure.
:'''Tim''': You're not a failure, Mike, you're not! You're too good for them, they're not ready for you, You're a renegade, you're a soldier of fortune.
:'''Mike''': Like the [[w:The A-Team|A-Team]].
:'''Tim''': Yeah, you're like Mr. T. but white and hairy. And I feel sorry for anyone who says you're not.
:'''Mike''': I pity the fool.
:'''Tim''': ''I'' pity the fool.
:'''Mike''': ''[Mr. T voice]'' I ain't goin' on no plane, sucka!
:'''Tim''': ''[irritable]'' Stop that.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Preparing to go out clubbing]''
:'''Mike''': I had to dress up as an elderly Israeli woman once.
:'''Tim''': Really?
:'''Mike''': I didn't ''have'' to.
:'''Tim''': We should talk.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tyres''': Last night was an A-1, tip top clubbing jam fair. It was a sandwich of fun on ecstacy bread, wrapped up in a big bag like disco fudge. It doesn't get much better than that, I just wish sometimes I could control these FOCKING MOOD SWINGS! ''[calmer]'' So what did youse two friends do last night?
:'''Daisy''': We just stayed in, didn't we, had a laugh, played [[w:Scrabble|Scrabble]].
<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': We're going to a club later on, do you wanna come out?
:'''Brian''': ''(through the door)'' Don't go to clubs.
:'''Tim''': Come on, Brian, what d'you mean you don't go to clubs?
:'''Brian''': ''[peeks out]'' I'm working, Tim. Working. D'you understand.
:'''Tim''': No...
:'''Brian''': Trying to....avoid...cliches...by not actually placing my brush on the canvas.
:'''Tim''': Right...
:'''Brian''': I'm using my penis.
:'''Tim''': Finally.
:'''Brian''': D'you want to see?
:'''Tim''': No, just about to have my tea...

===Ends [1.7]===
:''[About the possibility of getting back with his old girlfriend]''
:'''Tim Bisley''': This is something that I've always wanted! You have things you want, you're always going on about going to Asia and seeing the Taj Mahal.
:'''Daisy Steiner''': I do want to go to Asia! I do want to see the Taj Mahal! The difference is, the Taj Mahal didn't sleep with it's boss behind my back and break my heart!
:'''Tim Bisley''': Yeah, well... it might if you go to Asia!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dropping Mike off for his interview with the Territorial Army]''
:'''Mike''': Aren't you coming in with me?
:'''Tim''': I'm not your dad, Mike! ''[Hands him a lunch box]'' Here's your sandwiches. I'll pick you up at five.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Before his meeting with the TA officials]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Thinking]'' I'm [[w:Andy McNab|Andy McNab]], I'm Andy McNab, I'm Andy McNab, I'm [[w:Andie MacDowell|Andie MacDowell]] - ohhh...
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, ''en route'' I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or Eurodisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
:'''TA Officer''': Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
:'''Mike''': Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
:'''TA Officer''': Why do you think that was?
:'''Mike''': ''[Shrugs]'' I dunno.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike is undertaking a Rorschach ink test; the first card is very obviously a couple making love]''
:'''Mike''': War.
:'''TA Officer''': ''[Holding the next card]'' This one?
:'''Mike''': Bomb.
:'''TA Officer''': ''[Next card]'' This one?
:'''Mike''': Guts.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': Guns.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': Guts and guns.
:''[Next card]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Happily]'' Butterfly.
:''[The TA Officer frowns]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Realizes]'' Butterfly with a ''bomb''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''TA Officer''': Finally, Mr Watt, how does this make you feel?
:''[He throws Mike an sheathed military knife; Mike expertly grabs and unsheaths it]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Grins happily]'' Nice.
:'''TA Officer''': Welcome back, Mike.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About ending his relationship with Sarah]''
:'''Tim''': I just had a moment of clarity, you know, I woke up. It's like... you know when you have an orgasm on your own? ''[Daisy looks increasingly disgusted and uncertain during the following:]'' You know, you're sort of lying on the sofa watching some porn movie you bought on a drunken lonely night in Soho, and you're lying there and everything's going really great, you're getting totally turned on by these absurdly graphic images, everything seems so right, and suddenly - phht! Bingo! You wake up. And you're lying there sweating, desperately looking for the tissue which you ''know'' is still in your pocket, and the remote control which is ''somewhere'' on the floor, and it's like walking in on yourself, you know? It's just like "What're you doing?" That's how I felt tonight feeling my heart miss a beat everytime the door opened. "What the fuck are you doing?"
:'''Daisy''': Well, that's... love, isn't it? Load of old wank.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Life just isn't like the movies is it? We're constantly led to believe in resolution in the establishment of the ideal status quo, and it's just not true. Happy endings are a myth. Designed to make us feel better about the fact that life is just a thankless struggle.
:''[The pub band starts playing 'Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby?']''
:'''Tim''': Do you wanna dance?
:'''Daisy''': You know what? I think I do.
:''[They dance happily]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[About getting back with Sarah]''
:'''Daisy''': What do you mean, you have a "funny feeling"?
:'''Tim''': I can read her like a book.
:'''Daisy''': Never judge a book by its cover.
:'''Tim''': He who dares, wins.
:'''Daisy''': Look before you leap.
:'''Tim''': Do ''you'' believe in life after love?
:'''Daisy''': That's a song.
:'''Tim''': ...shit.

==Season 2==
===Back [2.1]===
:'''Tim''': ''[on Twist]'' I haven't actually figured her out just yet. She's either sweet and stupid or an evil genius.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Tim''': '[in voiceover]'' Marsha's our landlady and as far as she's concerned, Daisy and me are a professional couple, but that's not really important. Anyway, she's lovely.
:'''Marsha''': FUCK OFF!
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Agent''': Daisy Steiner?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Brian_Topp|Brian]]''': Yes...
:'''Agent''': Are you Daisy Steiner?
:'''Brian''': No...
:'''Agent''': Do you know where she is?
:'''Brian''': ...No.
:'''Agent''': ''Do you know where she is?''
:'''Brian''': Why?
:'''Agent''': Miss Steiner is under suspicion of bringing a bag containing sensitive materials into the country.
:'''Brian''': Sensitive...
:'''Agent''': Can you tell us where she is, Mr. Topp?
:'''Brian''': ...How d'you know my name?
:'''Agent''': It's written on the doorbell.
:'''Brian''': ...Oh yeah.
:'''Agent''': Where is she, Brian?
:'''Brian''': Brian isn't on the door bell...
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Brian''': They arrived just before you did...
:'''Tim''': You Lando!
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mike''': I'm off to point the pink pistol at the porcelain firing range.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Mike''': Note to self: Shoot first, quip later.
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Agent''': Don't even think about leaving the country.
:'''Daisy''': I won't... I can't afford it.

===Change [2.2]===
:''[Amber has woken everyone up screaming and throwing things out the window]''
:'''Daisy''': I'm sorry!
:'''Mike''': I'm hit!
:'''Brian''': I'M BLIND!
:'''Tim''': Buffy...?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[To a Star Wars: The Phantom Menace fan]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': You are so blind! You so do not understand! You weren't there at the beginning. You don't know how good it was! How important! This is it for you! This jumped-up firework display of a toy advert! People like you make me sick! What's wrong with you?! Now, I don't care if you've saved up all your 50ps, take your pocket money, '''''and GET OUT!'''''
:''[The little boy runs out, crying]''
:'''Tim''': What a prick.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': I was like you once. Blonde hair. Scraggly little beard. Childlike ears. Full of beans, and spunk. I let my principles get in the way of things. I punched a bloke in the face once for saying ''Hawk the Slayer'' was rubbish.
:'''Tim''': Good for you.
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': Yeah, thanks. But that's not the point, Tim. The point is I was defending the fantasy genre with terminal intensity, when what I should have said was "Dad, you're right - but let's give Krull a try, and we'll discuss it later." ''[pause]'' ''[[w:Star Wars - The Phantom Menace|The Phantom Menace]]'' was eighteen ''months'' ago, Tim!
:'''Tim''': I know Bilbo, but... it still hurts, you know? I mean, that kid wanted a Jar Jar doll!
:'''Bilbo''': Kids ''like'' Jar Jar!
:'''Tim''': Why?
:'''Bilbo Bagshot''': What about the Ewoks eh? They were ''rubbish''! You don't complain about ''them''!
:'''Tim''': Yeah but Jar Jar Binks makes the Ewoks look like... fuckin'... Shaft!

<hr width="50%">
:'''DSS Woman''': How long have you been unemployed, Mr Bisley?
:'''Tim''': ''[checks watch]'' About an hour and a half.
:'''DSS Woman''': Have you been looking for work?
:'''Tim''': ''[laughs, then sees she's serious]'' Um, no.
:'''DSS Woman''': Why did you leave your last job?
:'''Tim''': Got fired.
:'''DSS Woman''': Why?
:'''Tim''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Uh, a difference of opinion...
:'''DSS Woman''': ''The Phantom Menace''?
:'''Tim''': ''[pauses, then, surprised]'' Yeah...
:'''DSS Woman''': Didn't you like it?
:'''Tim''': ''[cautiously]'' No...
:'''DSS Woman''': Well, ''[taps nose conspiratorially]'' you leave this with me. I'll get you some money out in the next few days.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Twist''': So, don't forget to wash your sheets...
:'''Brian''': Right.
:'''Twist''': ...and your penis.
:'''Brian''': Okay.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Daisy''': What are we going to do? You're unemployed. I've got no money coming in. How am I going to afford aspirational magazines?!

<hr width="50%">
:''[After Tim has found a new job in a rival comic shop; Bilbo has come in]''
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Sniffy]'' He should store his special editions behind the counter, not hide them away at the back of the shop. Man's insane.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Stand-offish]'' What's ''Derek'' like as a boss?
:'''Tim''': ''[Stand-offish]'' He's okay. Don't fully agree with his policy on vintage comic display.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Desperate]'' Look, Tim, I'm sorry I fired you. It was a mistake! Will you come back?
:'''Tim''': Oh, why? Things not working out with the new guy?
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Sheepish]'' You could say that.
:''[Flash cut to Bilbo's shop]''
:'''Tim's Replacement''': ''Hawk the Slayer's'' rubbish!
:''[Bilbo punches him; cut back to the rival comic shop]''
:'''Tim''': ''[Stand-offish]'' I see.
:'''Bilbo''': Will you come back?
:'''Tim''': Well, I like it here, Bilbo. What makes you think I ''want'' to come back?
:'''Bilbo''': This.
:''[Bilbo produces an answering machine from nowhere and presses play]''
:'''Tim''': ''[On machine; sobbing]'' Look, B-Bilbo, t-this is Tim. Please can I come back?! I don't like it here!
:'''Tim''': ''[Sheepish]'' You got that, did you?
:'''Bilbo''': I would have come in anyway. The place just isn't the same without you there.
:'''Tim''': ''[Warmly]'' I'm already there.
:'''Bilbo''': ''[Alarmed]'' What?!
:'''Tim''': I mean I'll come back.
:'''Bilbo''': Oh, right. Frightened me for a moment there.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Tim wants to get fired from his new job]''
:'''Tim''': Derek? [[w:Babylon 5|Babylon 5]]'s a big pile of shit.
:'''Derek''': Get out!!
:'''Bilbo and Tim''': ''[Joyfully]'' Hooray!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': I got me job back.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!
:'''Mike''': I got me own room.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!
:'''Tim''': Where's Brian?
:'''Mike''': He's standing in the garden with no clothes on.
:'''Tim and Mike''': ''[Joyfully]'' Ayyyeee!

===Mettle [2.3]===
:'''Dexter''': Have you thought any more about that rematch, Michael?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Yes and no.
:'''Dexter''': What does that mean?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': It means 'yes, he's thought about it' and 'no, he doesn't want one'. ''[To Mike]'' Doesn't it?
:'''Mike''': Yes.
:'''Dexter''': So that's a 'no', is it?
:'''Tim''' and '''Mike''': ''[Momentarily uncertain]'' ... Yes.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': What does "T.F.U" stand for?
:'''Tim''': Uh... The Fuckest Upest.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daisy pretending to be [[w:Philippa Forrester|Philippa Forrester]] to interview Tim]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': This is a very large machine Tim. Take you long?
:'''Tim''': No, not really.
:'''Daisy''': Hm, fast worker?
:'''Tim''': Well why don't you come on back to my flat and we'll find out.
:'''Daisy''': I think you've already answered my question ''[laughs]''.
:'''Tim''': So you like my robot then.
:'''Daisy''': I love it. ''[gasp]'' What's this?
:'''Tim''': It's an axe. Feel the weight.
:''[Daisy lifts the axe. Both draw in a breath.]''
:'''Daisy''': There's nothing more devastating than a big chopper.
:'''Tim''': Shhh...''[places a finger over Daisy's lips]'' Don't cheapen this. ''[moves the hair from her face]''
:''[Daisy and Tim move closer, apparently about to kiss, when Mike opens the front door.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[suspicious]'' What's going on?
:'''Tim''': Uh, I was just coming - to the pub, with you.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I think we should take the Private down to the shed.
:''[Mike goes to another room.]''
:'''Daisy''': Hmm, what's up with Mike?
:'''Tim''': Nothing, he just, he usually likes to be Philippa.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about the robot's axe, both covered in plasters and bruises]''
:'''Tim''': I think we should lose the axe.
:'''Mike''': I like the axe.
:'''Tim''': I like my face.
:'''Mike''': I like your face.
:'''Tim''': Let's keep the axe.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trying to figure out who destroyed 'Private Iron']''
:'''Tim''': I think I can guess.
:'''Mike''': This isn't the work of amateurs, Tim. Private Iron was taken apart by someone who knew what they were doing.
:'''Tim''': Right, and what happens now?
:'''Mike''': Well, if we can't fix him in time, we're automatically disqualified. Runners-up go through.
:'''Tim''': And they are?
:'''Mike''': ''[Gasps, as if realizing]'' Dexter and Cromwell!
:'''Tim''': Right.
:'''Mike''': ... So who did this?
:'''Tim''': They did!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After having smashed Tim and Mike's robot]''
:'''Dexter''': Ah, Michael. Heard about your robot. Crying shame.
:'''Tim''': What do you mean, 'crying shame'? You did it, you... fucking plum.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robot Club Leader''': Gentlemen, welcome to Robot Club. The first rule of Robot Club is, you do not talk about about Robot Club. The second rule of Robot Club is, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT Ro… wait, I… got that wrong. [Unfolding a crumpled up piece of paper and pushing up his glasses] The second rule is, no smoking.
:'''Tim''': Why aren't we allowed to smoke?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': We're not allowed to talk about it.

===Help [2.4]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim Bisley|Tim]]''': Could you go and tell Mike that I need him, please?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy Steiner|Daisy]]''': What for?
:'''Tim''': No reason, I just... I need him.

<hr width="50%">
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy Steiner|Daisy]]''': [To Mike working out with Marsha] Tim wants you.
:'''Mike''': Does he want me or need me?
:'''Daisy''': Needs you.
:'''Mike''': Ok then.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tim''': You ready, Mike?
:'''Mike''': I was born ready, Timmy.
:'''Tim''': Yeah, but are you ready ''now''?
:'''Mike''': Ummm... yeah.

<hr width="50%">
:''[After Sophie has recovered Tim's unflattering portrait of Damien Knox, thus saving his job interview]''
:'''Tim''': How are you, Sophie?
:'''Sophie''': Fine thanks.
:'''Tim''': ''[Playing it cool]'' Good. Forgot you worked here.
:'''Sophie''': Really? ''[Places down another, extremely flattering, portrait of Sophie, surrounded by a love heart]''
:''[Tim giggles nervously]''
:'''Mike''': ''[Via walkie-talkie]'' Tim! That girl you fancy's coming into the office!
:'''Tim''': ''[Into walkie-talkie, sheepishly]'' Thanks, Mike.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tyres''': Are we happy?
:'''Tim''':Are we happy.
:'''Tyres''': Excellent. Mine's a pint of the black stuff.
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': (scoffs) You can't drink a pint of Bovril.

===Gone [2.5]===
:'''[[w:Spaced#Mike_Watt|Mike]]''': Right, I'm off for a night of running about in the dark with a gun, so you've got to stay here and be good for your Uncle Michael. [To Colin, while polishing his glasses] Settle down, relax and get comfy, because you my friend... are going ''nowhere''. [Looks down to see that Colin is gone; in a whimpering tone:] Oh, bollocks!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On realizing who Duane is]''
:'''Daisy''': You're Duane. The Duane Duane.
:'''Duane Benzie''': Duane Benzie.
:'''Daisy''': The Duane Benzie that... [Whistles]
:'''Tim''': Stole my girlfriend.
:'''Duane Benzie''': Well, that depends on which way you look at it.
:'''Daisy''': I think that Tim looks at it that way.
:'''Tim''': Yes, I do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Duane Benzie''': I haven't seen you since...
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Yeah, well. No hard feelings, eh?
:'''Duane Benzie''': You shot me in the bollocks, Tim.
:'''Tim''': Like I said. No hard feelings.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having stolen Tim's house keys]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': At last, I will emerge as the victor. [[The_Phantom_Menace#Darth_Maul|At last, I will have... revenge.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Romford Thug''': This ain't grass.
:'''Romford Thug Leader''': What?
:'''Romford Thug''': It's oregano.
:'''Romford Thug Leader''': How can you tell?
:'''Romford Thug''': I'm a catering student.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After crashing with the Romford thugs]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': ''[To the leader]'' You bloody idiot! Have you any idea how much this car cost? Why don't you piss off back to Romford where you belong. You little prick! Eh? Eh?
:''[He turns; the others have sneaked up behind him, like the Raptors in ''[[Jurassic Park]]''.]''
:'''Duane Benzie''': ''[Darkly]'' Clever boys.
:''[The thugs give Duane a good kicking]''

===Leaves [2.7]===
:''[Tim, Mike and Brian are trying to persuade Marsha not to sell the house]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': Okay, listen. When we get there, let me do the talking, okay? I am the only one here capable of serious communication. ''[Instantly regretful]'' Sorry, sorry! That sounded bad. I didn't mean to suggest that you're not good communicators, okay Mike?
:''[Mike grunts non-verbally]''
:'''Tim''': Brian?
:''[Brian whimpers non-verbally]''
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Marsha, they say the family of the twenty-first century is made up of friends, not relatives. If that's true, then you're the best auntie I've ever had.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim''': Aren't you going to ask us how it went?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': How did it go?
:'''Tim''': Really ''badly''.
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daisy''': Colin's gone.
:'''Tim''': What?
:'''Daisy''': He went next door.
:'''Tim''': Oh, Daisy, I'm so sorry. How did it happen?
:'''Daisy''': ''[Bemused]''... He walked.
:'''Tim''': Right, right, sorry. See, my mum used to use "going next door" as a euphemism for being dead.
:'''Mike''': Whoa, hold on, does that mean my rabbit's dead?
:'''Tim''': It's been eighteen years, Mike, where did you think he was?
:'''Mike''': ''[whimpers]'' Next door!

== Miscellaneous ==
===Skip To The End===
''[NOTE: Although 'Skip To The End' was primarily a factually-based documentary concerning the making of and influence of ''Spaced'', it did contain a brief 'epilogue' to the series with Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson in character]''

:''[Daisy exits the house; Tim follows her a moment later with a baby in his arms]''
:'''[[w:Spaced#Tim_Bisley|Tim]]''': I think she's filled her nappy again. Will you change her?
:'''[[w:Spaced#Daisy_Steiner|Daisy]]''': I made the tea!
:'''Tim''': I went to the shop!
:'''Daisy''': I was in labour for fifteen hours!
:'''Tim''': You win!
:''[They kiss]''
:'''Tim''': Love you.
:'''Daisy''': I know.
:''[They turn to go back inside]''
:'''Tim''': Come on, Luke.
:'''Daisy''': Tim, we're not calling her 'Luke'.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
*[http://www.spaced-out.org.uk/ ''Spaced Out''] - official, fan-operated website
*[http://www.spaced-out.org.uk/forums/index.php?showtopic=7146 Edgar Wright Q&A] on the ''Spaced Out'' forum
*{{imdb title|id=0187664|title={{PAGENAME}}}}
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]
[[Category:Channel 4 (UK) shows]]

Justified (TV series)

2016-06-15T18:29:55Z

Sketchmoose: /* Blowback [1.08] */ formatting

{{italic title}}
[[File:Olyphant Zea Carter Goggins.jpg|thumb|Stars of the show ''Justified'']]
'''''[[w:Justified (TV series)|Justified]]''''' (2010–2015) is an American TV show, airing on [[w:FX (TV channel)|FX]], about U.S. Marshal [[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]], a modern day 19th century-style lawman, who enforces his brand of justice to put a target on his back with criminals and puts him at odds with his bosses in the Marshal service. As a result, he gets reassigned to the U.S. District covering the town where he grew up. It is based on [[Elmore Leonard]]'s novels ''[[w:Pronto (novel)|Pronto]]'' and ''[[w:Riding the Rap|Riding the Rap]]'' and his short story "Fire in the Hole".

== Season 1 ==
=== ''Fire in the Hole'' [1.01] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You concerned about me coming down here?
:'''Art Mullen''': It's a small office, Raylan. I'm concerned when we switch brands of coffee.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Dewey Crowe]'' Hey, if I was you, I'd give up this Nazi bullshit. Go back to poaching gators. It's safer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You know, Boyd, I think you just use the Bible to do whatever the hell you like.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, what do you think I like, Raylan?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You like to get money and blow shit up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ava Crowder''': You wanna know what Bowman said when he looked up and he saw me with his deer rifle?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': God damn, woman, you only shoot people when they're eatin' supper?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I guess I never thought of myself as an angry man.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Well, you do a good job of hiding it, and I suppose most folks don't see it, but honestly, you're the angriest man I have ever known.

=== ''Riverbrook'' [1.02] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Looks like it hurts.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why, yes, Raylan. Thank you for noticing. Somebody shot me in the chest the other day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': I got a call this morning from AUSA David Vasquez. Wants to talk to you about you shooting Boyd Crowder.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's there to talk about? He pulled first. There was a witness.
:'''Art Mullen''': But you see, ten days ago you shot a man in Miami. Put it like this: you were in the first grade; bit a kid every week? They'd start to think of you as a biter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Art tells me you were a sniper with the Rangers.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Yeah, I was.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's the longest you ever had to watch a target?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Three days. Shitty little village outside Kandahar. You watch a man that long, you can get to know him better than his wife does. How he reads the paper, picks his nose, what glass he likes for tea, what one for milk. If he jerks off, what he looks at when he does. If he's nice to the dog when no one's around.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's the trick to something like that? Keeping your focus?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, they told us to come up with stories about ourselves and the target.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What do you mean, "stories"?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, nothing elaborate. Imagine taking Shirley to the movies, watching Price is Right, eating takeout Chinese. They eventually stopped that, the business with the stories.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why is that?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': They found some folks get so involved in the tales they're telling themselves, they grow to like the target. And when they got the green light, they couldn't pull.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Douglas Cooper''': Y'all sleeping together?
:'''Shirley Kelso''': We're cousins!
:'''Douglas Cooper''': Well, from all the lotions, condoms, and devices I saw sitting on your nightstand, it's clear you're sleeping with somebody.
:'''Dupree''': ''[beat]'' Well, it ain't like we're first cousins or anything...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Got to ask. Why the hat?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Honestly? I tried it on one time, and it fit.

=== ''Fixer'' [1.03] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': Raylan, I got a courtesy call from the Harlan County Sheriff's Department — your daddy was arrested.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Did he kill anybody?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Miami is a sunny place for shady people.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I got sent here, I think because they knew it was the one place I didn't want to go. In fact, as I recall, Winona and I promised each other we'd never come back here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Tim, when you were working with Pinter, you ever come across a guy looks like a black Mr Clean? Dresses like the janitor in a rap video.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Like it says Tommy Hilfiger on his coveralls?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah, like he wears a t-shirt with his gators.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Detroit accent, looks like he could dead-lift the back of a car?
:'''Raylan Givens''': ....... Uh-huh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': I love how these guys are so calm when you're coughing up blood.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Arnold Pinter''': I hate it here. Kentucky. I hate every one of these toothless, banjo strumming, red neck pricks. No offence.

=== ''Long in the Tooth'' [1.04] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You ever consider I happen to be good at the job?
:'''Rachel Brooks''': And you being a tall, good-looking white man with a shitload of swagger, that has nothing to do with it? You get away with just about anything.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What do I get away with?
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Look in the mirror. How do you think it'd go over if I came into work one day wearing a cowboy hat? You think I'd get away with that?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Want to try it on?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I can only imagine how hard it has been for you to get where you are in the Marshal service
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Because I'm black or because I'm a woman?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Because you're an idiot.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frank''': ''[discussing [[Pulp Fiction]]]'' I'm saying, why does he still have his gun out in the first place? When's the last time you rode around in a car holding your gun?
:'''Joe''': 'Cause it's a ''movie''! That don't happen, then there's no movie. No messy car, no cleaner. I mean, what do they do? They drive home, jerk off, take a nap?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Looks like we have a sniper on the Mexican side.
:'''Roland Pike''': Well, that's not going to help tourism.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Are you armed?
:'''Roland Pike''': Well, I just had my dick in my hand.

=== ''The Lord of War and Thunder'' [1.05] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': You've been in here for three days, and you've got no sign.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Not no sign. His ex-wife has been packing in a lot of beer.
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, get a search warrant.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Can't get a warrant based on beer consumption.
:'''Art Mullen''': How do you know?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': We tried.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Arlo]'' Why can't you bail him out?
:'''Helen Givens''': Those are the first words out of your mouth?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'm sorry, I'll start again. I see you're still smoking.
:'''Helen Givens''': You still piss in your bed?
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, you see, I gave up my bad habits.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Arlo Givens''': I heard about you shooting Boyd.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hmm.
:'''Arlo Givens''': All I need is a bunch of Crowders wanting revenge on a Givens.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I think I'm higher up on their list.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Arlo Givens''': Where were you, woman?
:'''Helen Givens''': Down in the parking lot, giving blowjobs for cash.
:'''Arlo Givens''': Were you paying or were they?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Johnny Crowder''': You shot my cousin.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, no. God shot Boyd. Ask him. He'll tell you I saved his soul.

=== ''The Collection'' [1.06] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': You're tarnished with the dark stain of divorce.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': My marriage ended a little bit more amicably than yours.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Funny, why did your marriage end?
:'''Raylan Givens''': It seemed like a good idea at the time.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': Are you cold standing out here?
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[without his shirt on]'' Not really. Why?
:'''Art Mullen''': 'Cause I can't keep from staring at your nipples!
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'll be out in ten.
:'''Art Mullen''': Thank you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I figure people have a right to their hobbies and I have a right to find those people creepy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Karl Hanselman''': Next time you're in Cincinnati, come by the gallery, I'll show you my collection. I think you'll be quite surprised.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Honestly, I'd rather stick my dick in a blender.
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, that ''would'' solve a few problems.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Karl Hanselman''': My father grew up in Germany, in Munich, before the war. He was very poor. He saw the wealthy of his city, and he wanted what they had. But there was no way someone like him could ever hope to rise to that. And then along came a very charismatic man who knew who was to blame, and my father followed him. Publicly, after the war, my father recanted everything the Reich stood for. But he never did in his heart. In private, after some wine, he would say that his years working for Hitler were the best of his life. His proudest achievement was when Hitler selected him to run a team that went through the country, reacquiring the Fuhrer's old paintings. I hated my father. So, this has been my project. I buy Hitler's shitty paintings, and I burn them.

=== ''Blind Spot'' [1.07] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': Just what part of being under investigation confuses you, Raylan?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': So many things confuse me, Art.
:'''Art Mullen''': Do you think we're going to banter here? 'Cause we're not.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hunter Mosley''': You know what they say about back woods cabins in Harlan, they're like assholes, sawed off shotguns and pick-up trucks.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Everybody's got one.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hunter Mosley''': You know, I put Bo away five years ago. He was running drugs up through Harlan. Wasn't selling, more of a conduit for shit flowing up from the South. But my problem with the Crowders started a while before that. You remember Henry Crowder?
:'''Raylan Givens''': He drove the Bookmobile around to all the schools.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Great guy, sweet guy. The one good Crowder.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Until one day, eight years ago, he picked up a 10-year-old little girl, drove her over to Pine Mountain Forest, tied her up—
:'''Raylan Givens''': No.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': —raped her, strangled her. Charlotte Rose Thomas. My niece.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I can't imagine anything worse than that.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': She'd be finishing high school about now.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You put Henry away?
:'''Hunter Mosley''': I spent years searching high and low. Never found him. But I rode them Crowders hard. Some folks say that's why I put Bo away for his drug running.
:'''Raylan Givens''': As opposed to you actually doing your job.
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Exactly. Did make a contribution, though.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Red''': What do they want?
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Well, they want rainbows and unicorns. God damn it, Red! Catch up! What do you think they want? They want Raylan Givens.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You honestly see a way out of this?
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Well, you mean like one of those police chases on TV? Helicopter following some dipshit through the streets? You know, when that idiot finally crashes, you ever notice how many get out and run? If you're like me, you're yelling at the TV, "What the hell you running for, asshole? We gonna get you!" And we always do, right? Except we don't, really. You know that. Not always. They just don't show the ones that get away on TV.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You're gonna be one of the lucky ones, huh?
:'''Hunter Mosley''': If I've got a one-in-a-hundred, Hell, if I've got a one-in-a-million shot, I'm gonna take it.

=== ''Blowback'' [1.08] ===

:'''Bo Crowder''': You all right, daughter-in-law? You look like you just walked on your own grave. What, are you surprised to see me? I figured that Raylan Deputy Marshal Givens would have told you I was getting out. Especially since he's the one that got my sentence cut by 87 days and a wake-up.
:'''Ava Crowder''': What the hell are you talking about?
:'''Bo Crowder''': By taking down Sheriff Hunter. All the cases that got made by that lying son of a bitch are now liable to be reopened. So, the US Attorney decided that anybody with a sentence less than six months wasn't worth retrying. Gave us all early release. God bless America.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bo Crowder''': Howdy, Marshal, I sure am glad you could join us.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Oh, no, no, no. I'm not joining you. You were just leaving.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Actually, I was just telling my daughter-in-law how the one thing that separates the pie we get inside from a nice piece, like this one here, is the smell. I mean, there ain't nothing in the world like it. You know what, girl? I think I'm gonna have to lick your plate.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[grabbing his shoulder]'' Are you gonna walk out of here, or is this gonna have to go a different way?
:'''Bo Crowder''': The last man that put his hands on me like that, I beat him until his eyes bled. I guess it's a lucky thing for both of us that I ain't a convict any more, ain't it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': With one phone call, I was able to discover that the deposition you were scheduled to work this afternoon had been cancelled, letting me know that you'd be home early, and likely be home alone. Imagine what a genuine predator would have been able to do with that information.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Or I could just call the police.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': The police are just a janitorial service used to clean up your blood after you've been murdered.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cal Wallace''': Hey, shooter? You got much experience with this sort of thing? Negotiating with a barricaded suspect?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not really.
:'''Cal Wallace''': Well, you're doing a good job so far. You have established a rapport with the subject. But now you got to make a determination. Is the subject emotionally disturbed? Well, you got an opinion on that?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You seem pretty stable. Although, you did spend all morning with a shiv up your ass.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[After defusing the hostage situation]'' I think the bourbon sealed it.
:'''David Vasquez''': You must be glad to finally find a professional use for your office bottle, huh, Chief?
:'''Art Mullen''': I don't know what you're talking about. I was just as surprised to find that in here as anybody else.
:'''David Vasquez''': It was probably the cleaning staff that left it.
:'''Art Mullen''': Yeah. Teenagers.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hopped-up kids on a joyride to hell.

=== ''Hatless'' [1.09] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': Listen, I don't know how you're associated with Mr. Hawkins, or why, but I'm gonna give you this opportunity to extricate yourself from his predicament before you get involved in something that, quite frankly, you don't want to be involved in.
:'''Toby Griffin''': And I'm gonna give you a minute to extricate yourself up out my face before I have to paint your office with your shit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary Hawkins''': You talk to Arnett?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I did.
:'''Gary Hawkins''': And?
:''[Billy Mac knocks down Gary]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I would describe his attitude towards your suggestions as unreceptive.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bartender''': Wouldn't it be easier just to buy a new hat?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Probably, but I ain't looking for easy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Come on, Emmitt! Come on! Show me the Benjamins the homeys are always rapping about!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Emmitt, I assume you're gonna take care of that.
:'''Emmitt Arnett''': How the hell was I supposed to know he was gonna show up without any cash?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Right, but eventually—
:'''Billy Mac''': Duffy's right. What happens to our cut if you pocket that deed?
:'''Emmitt Arnett''': Just get control of yourself, boy. Just relax. You're gonna get your portion.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Of what? The ''land?'' What am I, ''a farmer?'' Show me the cash, Emmitt, or I swear to God I'm gonna get a machete and a blowtorch, and I'm gonna make your body as small as I possibly can!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Duffy]'' I shot people I like more for less.

=== ''The Hammer'' [1.10] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[saying grace before Boyd's flock]'' Dear Lord, before we eat this meal, we ask forgiveness for our sins. Especially Boyd, who blew up a black church with a rocket launcher, and afterwards he shot his associate Jared Hale in the back of the head out on Tate's Creek Bridge. Let the image of Jared's brain matter on that windshield not dampen our appetites, but may the knowledge of Boyd's past sins help guide these men. May this food provide them with all the nourishment they need. But if it does not, may they find comfort in knowing that the United States Marshal Service is offering fifty thousand dollars to any individual providing information that will put Boyd back in prison. Cash or check, we can make it out to them, or to Jesus, whoever they want. In your name, we pray. Amen.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike Reardon''': ''[to Raylan]'' Look at you. You are every inch the goddamn gunslinger I heard.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know what Rome looked like before it became Rome, don't you? Some huts on the side of a hill, Little stream running through it. What it became... well, as they say, it didn't happen in a day.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': So you're building Rome? Well, I don't think this property is zoned for that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Johnny Crowder''': See, now, there you go again. Bullshit or true belief, I just can't tell.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Truth always sounds like lies to a sinner.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hey, uh, I was at the office earlier. One of the other deputies was reviewing your cases. He found one that was curious. A fella name of Kit McKendrie.
:'''Mike Reardon''': McKendrie. Yeah.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You remember him?
:'''Mike Reardon''': I remember his face, his greasy hair, stained teeth.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What was the deal there?
:'''Mike Reardon''': Did you read about the case?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Just the bare bones.
:'''Mike Reardon''': ''[to the bartender]'' Thanks, darlin'. ''[to Raylan]'' Yeah, I had him in my court, before I got to federal. First-time offender. Everything in me said that boy was evil. He had a daddy used to stub butts out on his arm. Swear to Christ, there were cigarette burns all the way up to his shoulder. So, I pushed down what my gut said, I give him a cream puff 18 months, banged it down to time served. About a year later, McKendrie shot a 6-year-old And the state trooper who come to get him. I looked into his eyes, and I knew he was no good, but I let my feelings interfere. Never again.

=== ''Veterans'' [1.11] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': You gonna introduce me to your friends?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Oh, my mistake, I'm sorry. Yes, of course, Art Mullen, chief deputy of this office, my boss. I thought you guys had met that night I shot you, but of course you were unconscious by the time he showed up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan, we're getting precipitously close to the moment I ask to have my lawyer present.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bo Crowder''': That day I came to pick you up at big Sandy and I asked you to work some hours to help me rebuild my business and you said you wanted to walk another path, well, I reacted poorly. That's why I came too see you today, son, to say I'm sorry, to beg your forgiveness and your indulgence.
:''[Bo hands Boyd an envelope of money]''
:'''Boyd Crowder''': What's this?
:'''Bo Crowder''': The smoke from your blast sent a signal across all of Harlan County. I got people lining up with cash in their hands, begging me for protection.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I can't accept this.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Why not?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Cause I know where it comes from. The bible tells us that "a gift blinds the wise and perverts the words of the righteous."
:'''Bo Crowder''': Well, then let's just consider it an offering, my tithes to your church of the last this, that, or the other.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You're not taking me seriously, Daddy, and I don't find that amusing.
:'''Bo Crowder''': You know, it's funny. I was just about to say the same goddamn thing to you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bo Crowder''': Where's my money?
:'''Arlo Givens''': There is no money. People stopped paying.
:'''Bo Crowder''': You invited me over here to tell me this?
:'''Arlo Givens''': No, Bo, I invited you over to tell you you have to do something about your son Boyd. He has gone clear off the deep end.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Well, shit, at least he hasn't joined the other team, become a goddamn Marshal for Christ's sake.
:'''Arlo Givens''': At least Raylan doesn't run around, preaching Jesus and blowing up meth labs.
:'''Bo Crowder''': I got control over my boy. Can you say the same about yours? He comes to town, it's to ruin the likes of you and me.
:'''Arlo Givens''': Only reason my son comes to Harlan is because of your son!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, how'd he get you to talk, then?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': He deputized me.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': He did what?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': He said he could deputize me, and then I had to talk.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Oh, that Raylan Givens. He sure is a clever one.

=== ''Fathers and Sons'' [1.12] ===

:'''Bo Crowder''': You know, I may not own a private plane or a fancy car, and when you look at me, you probably just see some dumb redneck who likes to eat roadkill for breakfast and have sex with his cousins. I don't eat roadkill, I don't screw my relatives, and I didn't just get off of no short bus. So for you to bring me all the way down here to threaten me, as if I didn't already fully understand the stakes of our business agreement? Hoss, that's just downright insulting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' That's enough. I'm the chief, this is my office, it's my informant and it's my call. And that's my bottle, and I'm not gonna let you drink it all just because your daddy didn't hug you much when you were little.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, as many of you good people may remember, I was a hateful man, and I was a sinful man. Seeking my way through the darkness, looking for salvation in worldly things! And evil things. Like Saul on the road to Damascus, I was long gone on a sinful journey, when the light of the Lord shone upon me on my deathbed in a prison hospital. And, brothers and sisters, I'm here to tell you today that bullet missed my heart, but it struck my soul. It struck it. For I was blinded. I was blinded. I could no longer see ungodly truth. For if any man be born again in Christ is a new creature, well, I am a new. a new creature! I am a new creature!
:'''Preacher''': Thank you, Boyd.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Not quite finished yet, Reverend.
:'''Preacher''': By all means, continue.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now - Now, Jesus entered a temple in Jerusalem. He found moneylenders buying and selling where they should have been a-praying. He called their church a den of thieves. And he turned over their tables. He cast out the robbers! He cast them out! He cast them out! Hallelujah! He cast them out! And like Jesus, like Jesus, like Jesus, we must never be afraid to strike out against those who practice evil! We must take the high road of righteousness, even if it means walking, walking and leaving our own flesh and blood behind. Because there is no greater piety, brothers and sisters, - than the love of God. Amen to that! He is my one true father. There is no other. There is no other, Preacher. There's no other.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Drug Chemist''': ''[to Hestler Jones]'' Listen, [[Lynyrd Skynyrd]], next time we're opening a dick sucking business, I'll ask for your advice.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bo Crowder''': As a churchgoing man, I admire your turnaround, Boyd. I could never walk the path, though I understood its virtue. Your change has been remarkable, son. Having said that, you are getting severely goddamn close to meeting your maker.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know, I continue to tell myself that you are not an evil man, because I believe that in your heart, you have the ability to do the right thing. But I will tell you something, Daddy, and you mark my words. Now, you bring meth into our homes, and I will destroy it.
:''[Bo laughs]''
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You think that's funny?
:'''Bo Crowder''': You know what's funny? You destroy me or my shit, it's the same thing as destroying yourself. That there is Crowder gospel. You mark them damn words, son.

=== ''Bulletville'' [1.13] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': For years I lusted after you, and I was far from subtle. Well, that was wrong. And not only because you were my brother's wife, but because it was unseemly, unwanted and it made you uncomfortable.
:'''Ava Crowder''': If by uncomfortable you mean it made my skin crawl, then yes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bo Crowder''': Who am I kiddin'? I can't hurt my own son. ''[pause]'' Johnny, hurt my son.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bo Crowder''': Yeah, you see, the problem there is, I still don't know whether or not I can trust you.
:'''Arlo Givens''': You've known me 50 years.
:'''Bo Crowder''': Should that incline me to trust you more or less?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Dear Heavenly Father, I'm not gonna pretend to understand. You told me what you wanted done, and that's what we did. How could you let it end like this? All these men trusted me to lead them on the path of righteousness for your name's sake. All these men came to you because they believed in me. And now they're dead. I'm gonna need a sign. I'm gonna need to know that their sacrifice meant something to you. ''[Boyd pauses, then sighs]'' Maybe I've just been talking to myself this whole time.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Where you going?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm going after the young lady with the automatic weapon.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'll get her.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What are you gonna do after you get her?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I ain't quite figured that out yet. Are you gonna shoot to stop me?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Maybe.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm pretty sure you're empty.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You gonna bet your life on that?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': No Raylan, I'm gonna bet my life on you being the only friend I have left in this world.

== Season 2 ==
=== ''The Moonshine War'' [2.01] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Alright look, I've tried to be reasonable. You give me your word in ten seconds or I shoot you in the head.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': So, you want to transfer me?
:'''Art Mullen''': Honestly, Raylan, I don't know who would take you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jimmy Earl Dean''': You're very funny. That's good stuff.
:'''Loretta MacCready''': Is this gonna be your new line? How we got the same sense of humor? What's in your mind? How do you think this is gonna go? You thinking, "maybe we'll fight a little, then it'll turn to wrestling and tickling and laughing, then she'll say, 'ooh, don't touch me there,' and then she won't stop me"? Is that how it runs in your head? You don't even know what to say now, do you? Even me talking about wrestling and tickling and "ooh, don't touch me there," it's like a spell's been cast, and you won't break it. Well, maybe you're just dreaming and you don't wanna wake up. [''Loretta slaps Dean hard across the face''] ''Well, wake up!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Woah woah, okay. I'm just gonna ask you one question. Do you know how a firearm works?
:'''Jimmy Earl Dean''': What?
:'''Raylan Givens''': The key word in firearm is "fire." When the pin hits the cap, makes the charge explode, meaning there's a spark, which should be of some concern to a man soaked in gasoline.
:'''Jimmy Earl Dean''': That's bullshit. That spark's too far away from the gasoline.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You didn't finish school, did you, Mr. Dean? It's not the liquid that burns. It's the fumes. Now, look. Now look, normally I would have just shot you myself the second you pulled, but I am doing my level best to avoid the paper work and the self-recrimination that comes with it, though Lord knows that you are the kind that makes it worth it more. Come on, Jimmy, can't we just try to end this without you turning yourself into the [[w:Human Torch|Human Torch]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mags Bennett''': ''[after poisoning Walt]'' Oh, this is the bad part, but it doesn't last long. Mixture's all natural, from up in the hills. All kinds of knowledge up in the hills. Something my grandmama taught me. She learned it from her grandmama.
:'''Walt MacCready''': Loretta?
:'''Mags Bennett''': I'll raise her myself. Don't you think that'll be better for her? Then the way it's been around here with you and your sadness. All the troubles of your hard life, it's all gone now. You get to know the mystery, Walt. You get to see your Sally Ann again.

=== ''The Life Inside'' [2.02] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': My outlaw ways are behind me.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Just you saying that scares the shit out of me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You kicked the man out of the house? He's under house arrest.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Arlo Givens''': I hope you get cancer!
:'''Helen Givens''': Already had it!
:'''Arlo Givens''': I hope you get it again!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Glenn Cosgrove]'' Glenn, we got it. You you knocked up an inmate, you hired someone to murder her and sell your child. Now shut the hell up, or Tim's gonna hit you in the face.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': Hell of a shot. Did you consider what might have happened if you'd missed?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I can't carry a tune. I don't know how to shoot a basketball and my handwriting is, uh, barely legible. But I don't miss.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I saw a man threaten to shoot a pregnant woman through the belly, just before a bullet went through his brain so... I guess you could say, it wasn't good.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': I can handle that, Raylan. I can't handle silence.

=== ''The I of the Storm'' [2.03] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': So, you were out with somebody, and Tim happened to be there.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Could we not?
:'''Art Mullen''': Just suppose it could be Rachel. Are you sleeping with Rachel?
:'''Raylan Givens''': No.
:'''Art Mullen''': I don't guess Ava's looking to spend time with you. And I think I would remember if it was me.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You done?
:'''Art Mullen''': Unless, of course, you roofied me. Did you roofie me, Raylan?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Goodbye, Art.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dewey Crowe''': You know, Boyd... for a guy who supposedly changed, you sound an awful lot like you always did.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dewey Crowe''': ''[to Boyd]'' I know you think I'm stupid, Boyd, but...''[long beat]'' I ain't.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I was wondering if back when we were digging coal together that you had an inkling of the man that I might someday become.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You mean just 40 and still single?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Doyle Bennett''': ''[to Dickie and Coover]'' You have any idea the federal shitstorm we'd bring down if we killed a marshal? We're talking black hawk-helicopter time. Jesus. I don't want either of you two doing shit or even contemplating doing shit until you run it by someone who can think.

=== ''For Blood or Money'' [2.04] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': ''[about Rachel]'' She's the best marshal I've got.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You realize I'm sitting right here?
:'''Art Mullen''': I do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': You're getting old.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not as old as you.
:'''Art Mullen''': And you're a dick.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Rachel Brooks''': When I was Nick's age, before my father's cancer, I thought we were the Cosbys. My parents had good jobs, there was a feast on the table after church on Sundays. Shawnee and I would ride our Huffys around the neighborhood. We had good hair, and made straight A's. Except, as my mother reminds me, that wasn't reality. The jobs weren't all that good, and my father was never a happy man even before he got sick. And Shawnee was smoking pot at 9 and running away to smoke heroin at 15.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I never bore any illusions that my family was the Cosbys.
:'''Art Mullen''': Your family wasn't funny.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': At least you got to shoot your father. Mine had the nerve to die before I got back from Basic with skills and a loaded weapon.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You didn't miss much. I thought it was gonna be way more fun than it was.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Doyle Bennett''': I had nothing to do with it.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Other than shootin' a couple of assholes to keep 'em from talking.
:'''Doyle Bennett''': Yeah, well... that.

=== ''Cottonmouth'' [2.05] ===
:'''Ava Crowder''': Why did you agree to rob that mine in the first place?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Because it's what I do. It's who I am, Ava. As hard as I've been trying to pretend otherwise. Everybody else seems to know that but me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom Bergen''': Art, I've been in Harlan 18 years. People still look at me like I'm some kinda Yankee come down to burn their crops. But this guy...
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan]]''': I know my people.
:'''Art Mullen''': You're like the hillbilly whisperer. We oughta put you on Oprah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Coover Bennett''': Ma ain't never left me in charge... Dickie neither. Here you sit?
:'''Loretta McCready''': Well it ain't as glamorous as it looks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mags Bennett''': We need to talk.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Can I get you something, mama?
:'''Mags Bennett''': Nothing's gonna take the taste away from my boys going behind my back.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama, w-we never went behind—
:'''Mags Bennett''': Cashing McCready's draw checks? How long did you think it'd take before that'd come back on us?
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama, that's that federal. He's aiming for trouble with us, always has been.
:'''Mags Bennett''': 'Cause of your actions! Starting with hiring that pederast to do a job I give you.
:'''Coover Bennett''': I'm sorry, Mama.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Coover, I know you're sorry. That's why it's gonna hurt so much to have to do this.
:''[Doyle moves Coover to place his hand on a tree stump. Mags takes out a hammer]''
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Hey, now! Hey, hey, now! Hey! Hey!
:'''Doyle Bennett''': Put your hand on the stump! Put your hand on the stump! Mags: Take what's coming.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama.
:'''Mags Bennett''': I'm saving your gun hand, now.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama, don't hurt me.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Cross me again, and I will leave you nothing.
:'''Coover Bennett''': Mama!
:'''Dickie Bennett''': You ain't got to do this.
:'''Mags Bennett''': You shut your mouth! 'Cause you're crippled to the point of worthlessness it ain't you down on that table. As it is, I have to hurt Coover. And I like Coover.

=== ''Blaze of Glory'' [2.06] ===

:'''ATF Agent''': Did she screw all your relatives? Or just you two?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now sir, I know you have an investigation to conduct but if you disrespect Ava one more time, I'm gonna come across this table.
:'''Art Mullen''': I think a threat against a federal officer would be a little more specific. Something more along the lines of, "If you disrespect Miss Crowder again I'll beat the ever loving shit out of ya".

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Winona Hawkins''': ''[to Raylan]'' The one who kicked me in the face... if you get the chance, shoot him in the nuts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frank Reasoner''': ''[to Carter Hayes]'' I got you figured. You did most of your growing up in those juvie-detention gladiator schools. I guess Bobby didn't tell you I was the bench-press champion at Lewisburg. The next time you make me raise my voice, I'm gonna take this oxygen tank, and I'm gonna beat your ass to death with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carter Hayes''': Now, it appears to be running just a couple minutes late, but when it gets here, we're gonna take our money and be on our way. ''[opens his jacket to reveal a vest of dynamite]'' Otherwise I'm gonna have to huff and puff.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Okay. Okay. ''[to Bobby Green]'' Clearly, you're the smart one. I'm hoping you know what to do now.
:''[Bobby lies flat on his stomach and places his hands on his head]''
:'''Raylan Givens''' ''[to Carter]'' And you're the one who kicks innocent women in the face.
:'''Carter Hayes''': You mean that girl from this morning? She didn't seem so innocent. Does she taste as good as she looks?
:'''Raylan Givens''' You know where I'm from, asshole?
:'''Carter Hayes''': No.
:'''Raylan Givens''' Harlan County.
:'''Carter Hayes''': So?
:'''Raylan Givens''' ''[punches Carter]'' Down there we know the difference between dynamite and road flares.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': If you run, I'm gonna put a bullet in that tank. You remember the end of ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]''?

=== ''Save My Love'' [2.07] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm surprised to see you here.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Without shackles or an attorney present? It's a little strange for me too.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary Hawkins''': I'm glad you agreed to see me, given our history.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Our history, indeed. I took a bullet, lost seven pints of blood, and eighteen inches of intestine. I had the surgeons keep it for me as a memento of that day preserved in Lucite. Would you like to see it?
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Okay.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Gary, I didn't have eighteen inches of intestine preserved in Lucite.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan. Raylan, I would never presume to tell you how to do your job and I understand that I am very new in this security game. However, I have spent a considerable amount of time hiding explosives. Now if you would like, I'd be more than happy to walk around here with you, show you where would I hide mine, in case there might be a place that you might miss.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': The truth is, I don't know if you can trust Boyd to have your back but well, he has tried to kill me, and I have shot him, and imprisoned him and I wouldn't be surprised if our paths again cross in such a manner. He ''has'' had my back on two occasions. Once was the last day I was in the mine, and the other not so long ago.
:'''Carol Johnson''': My, sounds like a love story.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You think he was telling the truth?
:'''Art Mullen''': Well he's a bank robber Raylan, why would he lie to me?

=== ''The Spoil'' [2.08] ===

:'''Kid''': No spikes, no seeds, no helmet, no hitting.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan]]''': Nothing about no beating the shit out of a teenager though. I guess that'd be okay then.
:'''Kid''': Hey I'll call the cops.
:'''Art Mullen''': Kid, we are the cops.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, now, more than once we've found ourselves on the same side of a fight.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Okay. Well, I'm on assignment by the federal government. You're a hired gun thug for a crooked company. Now, the only thing that we're on the same side of is, like, this car.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carol Johnson''': There have been some threats.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Oh, well, that's just awful.
:'''Carol Johnson''': Part of the job, I suppose.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Yeah, it's not easy being a strong woman. Take it from me. But you just keep doing what you're doing. Don't let them see you sweat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mags Bennett''': Apparently, Black Pike is here to help us realize God's great plan. And all they're asking us to let them do, is cut the top off our mountain. Well, my people pioneered this valley when George Washington was president of the United States. And as long as we've been here, the story's always been the same: the big money men come in, take the timber and the coal and the strength of our people. And what do they leave behind? Poundments full of poison slurry and valleys full of toxic trash! Yeah! You know what happens when 500 million gallons of slurry breaks loose? The gates of hell open!
:'''Carol Johnson''': Those poundments are built strong to keep the slurry back.
:'''Mags Bennett''': The gates of hell open, and all that waste rolls down through the hollers and poisons the water and the land and everything it touches! Mining company has a has a word for those leavings doesn't it? "The spoil. ''The spoil''"! And that is what our lives will be if Black Pike has their way with our mountain.
:'''Carol Johnson''': With all due respect, Mrs. Bennett, Black Pike will replace the mountaintops and leave money a lot of money in the pockets of the working people of Bennett and Harlan counties.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Is that a fact?
:'''Carol Johnson''': Yes, ma'am, that is a fact.
:'''Mags Bennett''': Well, that's something to consider. 'Cause it ain't an easy life here. No, ma'am. To an outsider, it's probably hard to understand why we're all not just lining up and saying, "Where do we sign?" But we got our own kind of food, our own music. Our own liquor! We got our own way of courting, and raising children! And our own way of living and dying. And to protect all that, we have got to say "No, thank you" to Miss Carol Johnson here and Black Pike Mining.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carol Johnson''': My heart's still pounding. Wanna feel?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You've had enough fun for today.

=== ''Brothers Keeper'' [2.09] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': You sure you know what you're doing?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm making it up as I go, but I sure am happy you elected to come along.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carol Johnson''': Getting this property seized is an inevitability.
:'''Mags Bennett''': You wouldn't be the first who tried, Missy Thing. Now, sit your bony ass down and listen to my counteroffer while there's still pieces of you big enough to find!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mags Bennett''': You pick the devil you run with.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Coover Bennett''': My daddy ain't never did shit for me. Never give me nothing. Hell, her neither.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dickie Bennett''': ''[yelling after Raylan]'' Don't you hurt my brother, Raylan!

=== ''Debts and Accounts'' [2.10] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' I thought at one point that maybe someday you and I'd be able to look back at all this and laugh, but shit, I don't think you're gonna live that long. You just go on and do what you do, and I'll just cleaning up after ya, and sooner or later this problem's gonna solve itself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mags Bennett''': ''[to Hobart Curtis]'' Wherever your boys grow up, do you think they'd be better off doing it with or without their daddy? You figure out that next time before you open your mouth to me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I've been wondering if I'm just a criminal at heart, ya know, truly my father's son.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': My name is Boyd Crowder. You can come after me if you want but it will be the last thing you ever do, I promise you that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Winona Hawkins''': Who are they?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Lord knows. Any number of people who are trying to kill me.

=== ''Full Commitment'' [2.11] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well I gotta talk to some people... alone. So... Either you let me go, or I'm gonna have to give you the slip.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I love this shit. This shit gets me hard.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, we've both been warned then.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mags Bennett''': You did kill my baby.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah.
:'''Mags Bennett''': But I was the one that let him become a nitwit. Now, I'm not taking the blame, mind you. Coover had plenty of time to straighten himself out. And you did save Loretta. Saved me from living out my days with her blood on me. I'm not sure it makes us exactly even, but I made a deal with your Aunt Helen to keep the lid on, and I intend to honor it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Doyle Bennett''': If the police chief wants to kill a guy, he ain't got to send anyone. He just waits for the guy to show up on his turf, and he rolls up on him with a bunch of his police officers. You know, that way, he can make it look like the guy died resisting arrest. Or if that don't fly, well, hell, he could just, uh, disappear the body down an old, boarded-up mine shaft.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Duffy is crazy. I think you need to call for some backup.
:'''Raylan Givens''': We ain't calling anybody.
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Why not?
:'''Raylan Givens''': 'Cause all they'll do is try to arrest him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': So, are we finished?
:'''Raylan Givens''': As long as you understand that the next time we have this conversation, it won't be a conversation.

=== ''Reckoning'' [2.12] ===

:'''Mags Bennett''': You want to be in charge? Is that what this is about?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': I want what's coming to me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mags Bennett''': Dickie, I swear. Your actions jeopardize my plans in any way, I will let you swing for it.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': By which I believe you mean, that's a damn good plan you got there, son!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Give me one reason why I shouldn't come up there and kick the living shit out of you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'll give you 15 reasons in the mag, and one in the chamber.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': We can draw him out.
:'''Raylan Givens''': How would we do that? Take you to the middle of town, tie you to a tree, and wait?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dickie Bennett''': I said I said, you don't you have to do this, Raylan!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Of course I do. This is who we are, Dickie. This is who we've always been. Givens, Bennetts going on what? Nearly a hundred years now. And this is how it ends. It can just end.

=== ''Bloody Harlan'' [2.13] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you asking me or are you telling me?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well, if it makes you feel better, you can tell people I asked.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Doyle, I need you and your boys to put your guns down.
:'''Doyle Bennett''': And why would we do that?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Maybe you don't wanna see your brother's brains fly through the air.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': Assume the position... NOW. Do you dumb-ass peckerwoods understand English? On the ground, hillbillies! NOW!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You pull that trigger, your life is gonna change. And not for the better. Now, I want you to ask yourself what your daddy would want you to do.
:'''Loretta McCready''': I want him here to tell me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mags? What did you do?
:'''Mags Bennett''': Same thing I did to Loretta's daddy. It's too late. It was already in the glass, not in the jar. ''[starts to convulse]'' This is the hard part. Put an end to my troubles. Get to see my boys again. Get to know the mystery.
:''[Mags dies]''

== Season 3 ==
=== ''The Gun Fighter'' [3.01] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Boyd, I've been to Mexico, I don't think you'd like it.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': How so?
:'''Raylan Givens''': There's a lot of Mexicans.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan, if a book could only be judged by its cover, you'd be a best seller.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Derek "Devil" Lennox''': You want to keep buying quality bud, you gonna have to take all this off our hands.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Devil!
:'''Derek "Devil" Lennox''': Stay out of this!
:'''Rodney "Hot-Rod" Dunham''': Pull your head out of your ass, son. This is serious weight, and these are dangerous times. Now, you want this to get ugly? It can!
:'''Ava Crowder''': Of course that's not what we want, Mr. Dunham. We appreciate you coming by.
:'''Rodney "Hot-Rod" Dunham''': You're lucky I was already in Knoxville. If I'd come eight hours from Memphis for this, I'd be obliged to kick somebody's ass!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Fletcher Nix''': ''[to Delmar Coates]'' Now, I don't like wearing a mask. I'm too pretty. So I am gonna have to kill you. But I'll tell you what, there's this game I like to play. I'm gonna put this gun between us and have the pizza man count it down from 10. When he gets to 1, we both go for it, so you got the same chance I got. That sounds fair, right?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': As a matter of fact, as I recall, last time we met, you told me the next conversation we had "wasn't gonna be a conversation".
:'''Raylan Givens''': This is a different conversation.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Fletcher Nix''': I like your hat. There much call for cowboys these days?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You would be surprised.

=== ''Cut Ties'' [3.02] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well now, Raylan, you're talking to a man who's sleeping with his dead brother's widow and murderess, so if you're looking for someone to cast stones at you on this matter, I ink you've picked the wrong sinner.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': It bears a striking resemblance to the creature from "Alien".
:'''Winona Hawkins''': It's 6 weeks old, Raylan.
:'''Raylan Givens''': All right. Don't come running to me when it busts out your ribcage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': When did ya get married?
:'''Karen Goodall''': Two months before I got divorced.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': You know, back in the old days, we used to use the phone book. You know, whack! But people don't even have phone books anymore. We still used to tell people, "you have the right to remain silent as long as you can stand the pain".

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Bernard, did you ever hear me argue with your dad about the best way to train a dog? There was a time I thought that, uh, pain was the only thing a dog remembers. But it was your daddy who taught me a dog also remembers when you elect not to hurt him. And if you can get your dog to not just remember, but to learn from the not hurting, then he's yours for life. But some dogs, though, they take you not giving them the hurt that they deserve as weakness. And after that first pass, well, they can't ever be taught. You got no choice but to put that dog down. You ever see what happens when you put too much lye in the scalding water? Well, it burns off the hair and the hog's skin besides. Now, I'm gonna give you a choice, Bernard. I can pour some of this here on the back of your hand, see, turn the heat on the pressure hose up near boiling, and then we'll take this hand, and we stick it in under the stream till I decide we square. Then we take your hand out, pour on some vinegar, and hope that lye hasn't eaten down to the bone. Or you promise me that you will never fail me again in any capacity, and we can all go on back about our evening. Now, before you choose, I'm gonna tell you what. That first way hurt like nothing that you ain't ever felt, but it'll square us. Second way doesn't hurt, but it'll mean next time you screw up, I'll have to take that as a sign that you don't respect me anymore. Now, can I assume from your face that you're choosing door number two?

=== ''Harlan Roulette'' [3.03] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': These boots aren't made for running.
:'''Art Mullan''': And yet chasing fugitives is a marshal's primary function.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Glen Fogle''': Pull it again.
:'''JT''': That's not how Russian Roulette works.
:'''Glen Fogle''': You're not playing Russian Roulette dumb shit, you're playing Harlan Roulette!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Glen Fogle''': ''[after JT survives Fogle's game of 'Harlan Roulette']'' Maybe it's just your lucky day, son. ''[Fogle keeps pulling the trigger until he shoots JT]'' Or maybe not.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Glen Fogle''': ''[about Raylan]'' You like old friends or something?
:'''Wade Messer''': Well, I-I set him up for Dickie Bennett, strung him up in a tree. I don't know, is that a friend?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wade Messer''': We're old friends, aren't we?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Friends? You strung me up, and left me for dead.
:'''Wade Messer''': I thought that was water under the bridge.

=== ''The Devil You Know'' [3.04] ===

:'''Derek "Devil" Lennox''': Just wondering if and when we're ever gonna actually make a move on something worth moving on.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': And I told you that time is coming. ''[as Raylan arrives]'' But we're gonna have to put a pin in this for now 'cause I'm sensing a disturbance in the force.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well, you know what they say: getting old ain't for pussies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Rachel Brooks''': ''[to Errol]'' I'm ready to get dirty. Are you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Devil, knowing me the way that you do, whatever led you in your imagination to believe that you could pull this off? ''[Johnny aims his gun at Devil]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to a dying Devil]'' All I ever asked for was your loyalty. Was I not entitled to that, after everything that we've been through? I know how much it hurts. I've been right where you are, laid out on the ground and holding my chest, looking up at the ceiling, trying to find my breath. Devil, I was lucky I made it back. Son, you ain't gonna make it back. You want some help with the pain? You close your eyes, son.

=== ''Thick as Mud'' [3.05] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well, maybe Lawrence Nightingale really did take him prisoner. Get it? Lawrence instead of Florence. Lawrence Nightingale.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': Yeah. I got it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Doc Stern]'' Well, now, way I see this thing, you're between a rock and a much, much harder rock.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Have you been pissing?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': He took my kidneys, Raylan, not my dick!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Your kidneys are for pissing. So why don't you try taking a leak, and if you can do it, then we know you still got your two kidneys.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Come on, come on. ''[starts urinating]'' Holy shit. You mean I have four kidneys?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Honey, if I started arresting people for committing adultery, I'd never make it home for supper.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robert Quarles''': Boyd, have you heard the saying, "the most successful war seldom pays for its losses"?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': [[Thomas Jefferson]]. Prison doesn't offer much, but it does give a man ample time to read.

=== ''When The Guns Come Out'' [3.06] ===

:'''Arlo Givens''': Sneak up on a man like that; good way to get yourself shot.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': By you in your boxer shorts there? I think I got the drop on you this time, Arlo.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Boyd]'' You want to run your hillbilly heroin fiefdom up here, that’s between you and the great state of Kentucky. I got no interest in shitkicker-on-shitkicker crime. But you will not drag me into this. The next time you set up an operation in this county or any other it better not have my God damn family name on the deed or so help me God, I will lose this star and the dance we do subsequent to that will not end with you finding Jesus in a hospital bed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Delroy Baker''': Shit, I guess my invite to this little "partay" got lost in the mail.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, actually, you just weren't invited.
:'''Delroy Baker''': No, see, this here is my partay, and if you want to partake, you got to see me first. Do you understand?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yeah, I do. But not today. Today's opposite day. So if you got business in here, you need to go outside and wait your turn.
:'''Delroy Baker''': Yeah? And what if I got no patience and I hate waiting?
:''[Delroy takes out his knife, and Raylan pulls back his jacket to expose his gun]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': Shit. I didn't bring a knife.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': You still don't even know what you done, do you?
:'''Errol Butler''': I was just trying to clear the playing field. You know, get us control of things—
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Why?
:'''Errol Butler''': What?
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Say you was able to start a war between Frankfort and Crowder. Nobody ever found out you fired the shot that started the whole thing, and they wipe each other off the face of this earth—then what?
:'''Errol Butler''': Well, then we run this shit.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Oh. So that's what you want. Be a gangster. Gold chains and champagne and the hos and shit. Oh, son. We have survived in these hills on our own for 15 decades by staying among ourselves.
:'''Errol Butler''': Yeah, but it ain't got to be like that anymore.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': When your foolishness brings this war to our doorstep, how long do you think we gonna last then?
:'''Errol Butler''': What we got to be scared of? They got guns, we got guns, too!
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Guns enough for the law? And for all the hillbillies that are gonna start taking it personal when we start killing white folks? They always wanted us gone, and now you done exposed us to every buried hate-filled desire in this county. And when the blood starts to spill, it will be on your hands.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Winona Hawkins''': If you wanted to change your life for me, Raylan, you would have done so by now.

=== ''The Man Behind the Curtain'' [3.07] ===

:'''Robert Quarles''': I'll be back for the crown prince's arrival. And I ''will'' get us more money. I'm just gonna put a smile on my face, and eat a nice plate of steaming shit... unsalted.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sammy Tonin''': What you got to remember is Dad ain't big on second chances, and you only got one because of what he invested in you in the first place.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Tell the old man that I do not need a second chance.
:'''Sammy Tonin''': That's good. Because you remember what happened last time there were hiccups? You went a little crazy, you remember that? Have you told Mr. Duffy here about your your rent boy? About all it took to squash that?
:'''Robert Quarles''': I don't think Mr. Duffy is interested in the story. Anything else, Sam? No? Good. Then we got a lot of work to do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I got mad ninja skills, buddy.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Yeah, you know karate?
:'''Raylan Givens''': And two other Japanese words.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Shelby Parlow''': I'm a greeter now.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I don't think I could say "hello" to that many people.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robert Quarles''': I just got lucky. Amazing wife. Great kids. No, my problem all stems from my work.
:'''Gary Hawkins''': Ohh, yeah?
:'''Robert Quarles''': I swear, I'd be running the whole organization if it wasn't for my boss's idiot son.

=== ''Watching the Detectives'' [3.08] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[about dropping a bullet on Winn]'' I told him the next one might be coming a little faster.
:'''Garrity''': Deputy, that might just be the coolest thing I've ever laid ears on.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': Who are you?
:'''Garrity''': Detective Garrity, Lexington PD.
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': And I'm FBI. Wait your turn.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''David Vasquez''': Arlo, a lifetime criminal. Is that a fair description?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'd add "petty" to be more accurate.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[After being questioned in a murder case]'' That is bullshit, and you know it.
:'''Art Mullen''': Is it?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Is that a real question?
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, it had a question mark.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': He's got the ice-cold, remorseless bottle-blond shit-bag killer doing scut work.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Deputy, are you accusing me of being a fake blond? Because if you need me to prove it to you, I might be inclined to break you over that step ladder, ride you down like a teaser pony, and paint this room an entirely different color.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Now, that is the Wynn Duffy I remember.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': You concerned about me, Raylan?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Little bit. The S.S. Quarles is going under. You best swim like hell to get clear or the whirlpool will take you down with it.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I believe they disproved that on ''[[MythBusters]]''.

=== ''Loose Ends'' [3.09] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[about Boyd]'' Still think you can change him, huh?
:'''Ava Crowder''': I'm not trying to change him. I'm trying to help him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Delroy Baker''': ''[to Ellen May]'' See, darling, you got to understand, business is always gonna triumph— ''[Ava shoots Delroy in the chest with her shotgun]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, Mr. Napier, I'd like to think that if I was behind an attempt on your life, at the very least I would've messed up your hair.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': My question is, does Mr. Napier know the name of the company that fired Shelby from his security job? Well, I'll save you the trouble. The name of that company was Black Pike Coal. Now, do you want us all to believe that Shelby here's a dishonest man because Black Pike tells us so? Do you think that Shelby's the only man in this room been done wrong by a coal-mining company?
:'''Tillman Napier''': Mr. Moderator, how many questions you gonna let this convict ask?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Mr. Napier, everybody here knows that the only men the company doesn't do wrong are company men. And you stand up there with your slick haircut. You look down on Shelby because this man works for a living. You talk down to me because I've been in trouble with the law. Well, you know when that trouble began? Why don't you ask your good friend Harvey Jones? He was there. He was on the line when we struck out at Eastover Brookside, Duke power scabs, and gun thugs coming after us with bicycle chains and bats! Trying to run us over in their cars! And I know that you weren't there, Mr. Napier...but there sure were a lot of men there who looked like you. Men standing on the company side, laughing at all us hillbillies who were just trying to stand up for what we believed in. Now, I'm not saying you're a bad man, Mr. Napier. That, I don't know. But what I do know is that you've been feeding too long at the public trough. Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm gonna say no to the company man. I'm gonna say no to the lawmen who disrespect the rights of the people whose taxes pay for their salaries! And I'm gonna say no, I'm gonna say no, I'm gonna say no to Sheriff Tillman Napier, who laughs in our faces while he makes money off our backs!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': You rather talk pig shit?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Close... Robert Quarles.

=== ''Guy Walks Into a Bar'' [3.10] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': You're a lucky man, Mr. Quarles. You get to come all the way down here, a place you got no right being. You get to eat our food. You get to drink our whisky. You get to look at our women as you try to take it all for yourself. Why, you know what you are? You're a conquistador. Only we are not your savages. And now you get to leave with your life. Well, I'm hard-pressed to remember the last outsider in your line of work can say that. I hope you've enjoyed your stay and you never forget who packed your bags.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Mr. Quarles, maybe it is time you leave Kentucky.
:'''Robert Quarles''': I got nowhere else to go.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robert Quarles''': My father was a heroin addict. He wasn't necessarily an evil man, but he couldn't kick his addiction, couldn't hold a job, either. But to feed his addiction, he used the resources at his disposal.
:'''Donovan''': I don't care about your shit!
:'''Robert Quarles''': Luckily for my father, he had a very pretty little boy. And plenty of men were willing to pay for my company. What is your name?
:'''Donovan''': Donovan.
:'''Robert Quarles''': That's what it was like for me, Donovan. For many years. And then one day, a man named Theo realized what was happening. You see, Theo believed deeply in family. And one afternoon, an associate of Theo's picked me up from school, and we took a ride in his Cadillac to a warehouse. Theo ushered me in, where inside, on his knees, was my father. I was 14 years old. And I remember how it felt to suddenly be free.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Robert Quarles''': He slipped the hillbilly rug right out from under my feet.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm just gonna file that under "Who gives a shit?"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''' Robert Quarles''': I'm gonna kill you, Raylan. Maybe not tonight, maybe not tomorrow, but some day you'll be walking down the street and I'm gonna put a bullet right in the back of your skull and you're gonna drop.
:''' Raylan Givens''': Why wait?

=== ''Measures'' [3.11] ===

:'''Robert Quarles''': You know, you disappoint me, Wynn. Word around the Detroit campfire is that you were a wild man. Comes to a little nut-cutting, suddenly you want to bitch out. Don't be like the rest of them. You can't have the "Duffy" without the "Wynn".

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Longbaugh''': This is a katana. My granddad pulled this off a dead jap officer at Shuri castle, Okinawa!
:'''Robert Quarles''': The greatest generation at work.
:'''Longbaugh''': He was a lying old sack of shit. Probably just bought it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Art, I've got a daddy.
:'''Art Mullan''': Yeah, I've met your daddy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Fair enough, continue.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sarno''': You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you sent us there expecting him to take care of us.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Or you'd take care of him, have to go on the run either way.
:''[Sarno's associate moves to raise his gun; Sarno stops him]''
:'''Sarno''': Whoa. A man doesn't talk like that unless he's holding the nuts.
:''[Duffy lifts his gun from under the table]''
:'''Sarno''': Ah.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': It's nothing personal. I just figured the more soldiers Quarles has down here, the more tenuous my position becomes.
:'''Sarno''': Did you figure if you didn't put us together with him, we'd just go away?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I figured it would buy me some time to cut a deal help you in exchange for a guarantee that I don't get left out in the cold.
:'''Sarno''': Hmm. Well, how about you help us in exchange for your lives?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': That sounds a little odd coming from the guy not holding the gun.
:'''Sarno''': Did you help Quarles because of the guns he had or because of who was behind him? Theo Tonin he carries this ear around in his pocket.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I'm sorry. It sounded like you said—
:'''Sarno''': Yeah, yeah. It's a human ear. And, uh, whenever he wants to get some guy's attention, he just takes out the ear and he starts talking into it.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Hmm. What does he say?
:'''Sarno''': I don't think it really matters.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sarno''': You know, there was a day when I would have said nobody could stealth me.
:'''Art Mullan''': Yeah? What happened? Lose your edge or just realize you weren't that good to begin with?
:'''Sarno''': Maybe a little of both.

=== ''Coalition'' [3.12] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You really think this is gonna go down?
:'''Tom Bergen''': I hope so, because if I'm missing my boy's tee ball game for nothing I'm gonna be pissed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you sure you're alright with this?
:'''Ava Crowder''': $3.2 million. I might find a way to get right.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': The point is, Mr. Crowder, when he asks me, and he will, where Robert Quarles is, does Theo Tonin sound like the kind of man to whom you'd like to say, "I'm sorry, but he escaped from a disease-ridden whore factory up in inbred holler"?!
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm gonna let that one go.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Now it's funny how that money bring together all them wayward personalities.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Are you smoking Oxycontin in my motor coach?
:'''Robert Quarles''': I most certainly am.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Do that in your own vehicle.
:'''Robert Quarles''': My car's not that comfortable.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Robert. Limehouse told you where to wait. Go wait there.
:'''Robert Quarles''': Is daddy getting mad?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': For once in your life, do what has been asked of you.

=== ''Slaughterhouse'' [3.13] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You remember the pawn-shop owner you sent after me, Glen Fogle?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': God rest his soul.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Had a little game he liked to play with his flunkies. Are you familiar?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Uh, remind me?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I ask you a question. You answer truthfully, or I pull the trigger. You understand?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': It seems simple enough.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You have any questions?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': What are you doing?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Is that your question?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': You think you can make me talk?
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's your choice.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Or you're gonna shoot me?
:'''Raylan Givens''': There's a five out of six chance I won't.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Bullshit.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Where's Quarles?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Kiss my ass.
:''[Raylan aims at Duffy and pulls the trigger. The gun doesn't fire.''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''Jesus Christ!'' There are cops outside!
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's right. They're outside.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''You're'' a cop!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Deputy U.S. Marshal.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Raylan, you just can't come in here and shoot me because you, you, you feel like it!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why not? Isn't that the way you guys do it? Isn't that why Tom Bergen's dead while his wife and children are grieving? So, you know what? Now we're gonna play by your rules.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Raylan—
:'''Raylan Givens''': Where's Quarles?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I don't know!
:''[Raylan pulls the trigger again]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Jesus! Stop it! What is ''wrong'' with you?!
:'''Raylan Givens''': You want me to stop, tell me the truth.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': How can I tell you what I don't know?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Start with telling me what you do know.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Okay. Just give me a minute.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No.
:''[Raylan raises his gun again]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Hey! Hey! Hey! Okay! What do I know?! What do I know?! I know that, uh I know that Limehouse set this all up! I know that Quarles likes young boys. Who do you think called in the Brady Hughes tip? Me! I know that he wants you dead, and he probably wants me dead, too. And, yes, I tried to blow him up in his car! And then I drove away! That's what I know!
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's it?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': That is all I know!
:'''Raylan Givens''': You don't know where he is?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I don't know where he is!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Okay. I believe you.
:''[Raylan leaves]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''Jesus Christ!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Boyd]'' You're not as dumb as you look. I like the use of the word cahoots, though.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Limehouse]'' A horsefly sneezes in these hills, he knows about it beforehand, but I'm to believe the car bomb and the dead trooper down the road comes as news.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well I guess we best both sleep with one eye open.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': I always do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Quarles, who lost his arm]'' You know what they're saying at the office? I dis-armed him.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': That's pretty good.

== Season 4 ==
=== ''Hole in the Wall'' [4.01] ===

:'''Jody Adair''': You think this is the first time I had a gun pointed at me?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': No... could be your last though.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You know what your problem is? You got no self-awareness. You think trying to do right by your children excuses everything, even killing men.
:'''Jody Adair''': They were heroin dealers. If they'd just give up their money, none of this would have happened.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Any problem, that's someone else's fault. You ever hear of the saying, "You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, ''you're'' the asshole"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': No one ever said runnin' a criminal enterprise was gonna be this hard, huh?
:'''Ava Crowder''': They left that part out on career day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jody Adair''': ''[to Roz]'' Shoot him.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Jesus girl, you just showed me your tits 45 minutes ago.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Billy St. Cyr''': Oh, hallelujah! But what you want to know is, do I get bit? Well, am I right? Right. Yes, I do. Now, only twice so far, hallelujah. By this one right here I call Mabel. Now, once, I took her out of her crate too rough, I deserved it. The other time, well, the lord only knows. Both times I survived the venom. It was the lord who saw fit to have me continue my ministry. Now, of course, not all survive. Our daddy and his before died from the serpent's bite, their place in heaven guaranteed, there being no greater sign of obedience to the lord than to be taken home in such a manner. So, that's why we're here. Why are ''you'' here, newcomers? You all come to watch the hillbilly with the snakes? Or did you come to be ''saved?!''

=== ''Where's Waldo?'' [4.02] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': You came here about the job, right? You need to hear about this. I got a young kid here, decorated sniper in Iraq War, Army Ranger, I don't know how many kills he had. Always lookin' to kill somebody else. Probably got PTSD. Probably an alcoholic. Not a matter if that powder keg is gonna blow but when. I got a lady marshall here. Brought in two of the top fifteen fugitives to this office, but she's always tryin' to prove herself. I thought she was gonna be the one that would take this office over when I got ready to retire, but now she's left her husband so it's gonna be fun to monitor her emotional state over the next year, see if she can keep it together. Then I got a local boy, born in Harlan county, been investigated so many times internal affairs has got him on speed dial. Father's in prison for murderin' two people, including a state trooper, and his daddy killed somebody else last night in prison and I get to be the one to tell him about it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': That mystery bag thing is giving me a bit of a Marshal stiffy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Randall Kusik''': I'll give you a free piece of advice. Next time, bet on me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm sorry, what are we talkin' about?
:'''Art Mullen''': Where were you yesterday?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why? Did somethin' happen?
:'''Art Mullen''': No.
:'''Raylan Givens''': So, what's the problem?
:'''Art Mullen''': You're keeping addict hours, you come in late, you leave early, you're haggard. It's like the baby's already been born.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I don't know what you're talkin' about.
:'''Art Mullen''': Tim?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I'd rather not take sides.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Thank you.
:'''Art Mullen''': Well would you rather do morning prisoner transports for the next six months?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': You do seem a little tired.
:'''Art Mullen''': No shit! The question is why?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Smart money in the office pool's on exotic dancin'.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I would like to be your distributor of heroin in Harlan county. Now, I figure we split it right down the middle. You and me, we could both make out pretty well.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': But even if I were looking for a partner—which I'm not, by the way—it would have to be someone I could trust.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, you can trust me!
:'''Wynn Duffy''': But I don't even trust the way you just now said I could trust you.

=== ''Truth and Consequences'' [4.03] ===

:'''Cassie St. Cyr''': I know why you keep misjudging us.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Do tell.
:'''Cassie St. Cyr''': Unlike the rest of these sorry souls around here we're not afraid of you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, in that case, ma'am, I think we've misjudged each other.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Randall Kusik''': You read what I did to the last old boy tried to make time with my wife?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Skimmed it. Something about a coma.
:'''Randall Kusik''': No, I marked him. Now, anytime anybody sees that little greaser gimp around, hears the punch-drunk way that he talks, what they're seeing and hearing is me.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Hmm.
:'''Randall Kusik''': What I made him. So how about at 6:00 this P.M, I put a little limp in that [[w:Gary Cooper|Gary Cooper]] walk, write my name all over that pretty face of yours?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' Admit it. You're getting a little bit of a marshal stiffy yourself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': If my stiffy lasts much longer I'm going to have to consult my physician. What's your opinion?
:'''Raylan Givens''': On your stiffy? I don't have one.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mason Goines''': You don't worry about how long you're gonna live. You worry about how slow you're gonna die.

=== ''The Bird Has Flown'' [4.04] ===

:'''Rachel Brooks''': Are you going to tell me how much money it was or not?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I did... it's a goodly sum.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Alvin''': Any fool that didn't see that grifter Barbie coming a mile off deserves getting his ass fleeced.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Lindsey Salazar''': How's that song go? Look for the rainbow in every storm?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'll have to download that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Randall Kusik''': Oh, them chickens. You got to understand, man. I've been holding that dream in my head so long, I might kind of lost sight of the thing.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Randall, I know you're shackled, and it ain't half fair, but you say one more word about chickens, I'm gonna shoot you again.

=== ''Kin'' [4.05] ===

:'''Nicky Augustine''': Jerry, really? Is that really the price? Or are you just thinking about taking off with the money?
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': Jesus, Nicky. What the hell kind of a question is that?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Uh, fair.
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': I mean, I've always been protecting you. I mean, we're friends.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': We are. But I heard the FBI doesn't even have the case anymore. The Marshals are running it.
:'''Jeremy Barkley''': ''[suddenly nervous]'' Where you hear that?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Do you really think that you're the only guy Theo's got left in the FBI?
:''[Nicky shoots Barkley in the head]''

<hr width='50%'>
:'''Josiah Cairn''': It was the young people drove me out. No values no more.

<hr width='50%'>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Whole world's a tree, Raylan. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

=== ''Foot Chase'' [4.06] ===

:'''Cop''': Waste of time if you ask me.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': What is, doing your job?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Tim tell you I wasn't coming in?
:'''Art Mullen''': Yes, he did. Said the game was afoot.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[sighs]'' Here we go.
:'''Art Mullen''': I'm sure you'll keep putting your best foot forward. Do what needs to be done.
:'''Raylan Givens''': That why you called? Foot puns?
:'''Art Mullen''': Yes, actually. Yes, it is. It's the only reason.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Any luck delaying Arlo's deal?
:'''Art Mullen''': No. Sonya Gable hasn't returned our calls.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why's that?
:'''Art Mullen''': I suspect she knows that we're trying to delay the deal.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why the hell would she delay the deal?
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, I don't know, Raylan. After you finish playing footsie, why don't you go ask her?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Roz''': I didn't have no goddamn sex with Teddy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, I'm sure you and "rapes with a smile" here were just talking.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[as he beats Teri]'' Hey, listen, I'm-I'm not a bad person.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Son, you are turning a corner that you can't walk back around.
:'''Shelby Parlow''': Well, that's like warning a man it's gonna rain when he's already wet.

=== ''Money Trap'' [4.07] ===

:'''Sharon Edmunds''': See, Raylan there, he's got the badge and the drawl and the whole squinty, sexy thing, and there was a time I would have run right to him, done the whole merry-go-round. Now I see that for what it is, and him for who he is. That man's an emotional disaster.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tillman Napier''': You're about as welcome here as a case of the clap. You can worm your way in here, but that's all you're ever gonna be. A goddamn worm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, too bad you weren't the early bird that caught it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Jackie Nevada...Sounds like a name out of a Steve McQueen movie.
:'''Jackie Nevada''': My stepdad wanted to call me Sierra, but he named me after my mom instead. She walked out on us before I had a memory of her. They never married, and Reno wasn't even my dad.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Your stepdad's name is Reno? The man's name is actually Reno Nevada? Some kind of lounge singer?
:'''Jackie Nevada''': Card player. Taught me some tricks. Sometimes we get in games together.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Sounds like you had quite an upbringing.
:'''Jackie Nevada''': He did okay. Best he could without my mom. I did see pictures of her posing nude in the backyard once, Reno left on the dresser.
:'''Raylan Givens''': But you never saw your own mother?
:'''Jackie Nevada''': Lots of people haven't seen their moms or their dads.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yet others do as much as they can to avoid them.
:'''Jackie Nevada''': You just showed your cards.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jody Adair''': That's how I see the world. Going around like this basketball. Me and you gonna have to meet up again, Raylan. Can't say when right now. You're gonna be looking over your shoulder till I make the scene. Then we gonna take it to the edge.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Lee Paxton''': I think you're missing the point. Your daddy got the point. Crowders do what we say.

=== ''Outlaw'' [4.08] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': Theo's got a guy on his way down who has apparently killed more people than malaria.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ellen May''': Do you think that, um, that I could ever be the kind of woman who belongs in these clothes? And walk into church and not have people say, "Now, ain't that sweet? The whore's come to get saved"?
:'''Shelby Parlow''': I think If you pretend to be something long enough, it's not pretending.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': ''[at Arlo's bedside]'' You're not gonna say anything, hmm? Just lie there and wait me out. Doc says you've been in and out and there's a chance you'd sleep all the time I was here, but we both know you're too mean to go that easy, so come on. Give me something. I ain't asking for an apology. Hell, that'd take too long, and I don't want any fatherly advice. Figure if you had any worth giving, you wouldn't be circling the drain in a prison infirmary. Just give me something. Who's Drew Thompson? Not for me, for your grandkids. They can grow up with a chief deputy for a daddy, hear stories about their granddaddy who wasn't just a ''son of a bitch''.
:''[Arlo remains silent]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': All right, Arlo. This is your last last chance.
:''[Arlo remains silent, Raylan moves to leave]''
:'''Arlo Givens''': Don't go.
:''[Raylan stops]''
:'''Arlo Givens''': Closer.
:''[Raylan leans in]''
:'''Arlo Givens''': Kiss my ass.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[being led from the back room of the bar, in handcuffs]'' Raylan Givens! If you were coming down here anyway why have Shelby drag me in ''again''?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I didn't have him drag you in the first time. ''[indicates the officer leading Boyd]'' What's going on?
:'''Officer''': What's it look like?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Did Shelby send you?
:'''Officer''': He's the boss, isn't he?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I just saw him not fifteen minutes ago, he didn't mention anything.
:'''Officer''': Maybe he figured it wasn't any of your concern.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well except I ''told'' him I was coming here. I'm sorry, we haven't met; I'm deputy US Marshal Raylan Givens.
:'''Officer''': Well, all due respect—
:'''Raylan Givens''': 'K, just, hold up. ''[to Ava]'' Is that an engagement ring?
:'''Ava Crowder''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': 'S a big rock, ain't it? Now as acrimonious as our relationship has been lately, Raylan, Ava and I discussed it and you still gon' be on the guest list.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[to Ava]'' You know the definition of crazy, right? ''[Ava shakes her head]'' Keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting it to come out different. ''[Ava chuckles]''
:'''Officer''': Sir, I'm gonna need you to step aside.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Okay, maybe ''I'm'' crazy, or I'm just having a hell of a day: did you just give me an order?
:'''Officer''': You don't move, I'm gonna shoot you.
:''[Both draw, Raylan shoots the officer, Ava and Boyd yell in surprise]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[calmly]'' Jesus, I ''hope'' I got that right.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now, all the things you've done, the way you built your fortunes, it might make you criminals, but it don't make you outlaws. ''I'' am the outlaw, and this is ''my'' world, and my world has a high cost of living.

=== ''The Hatchet Tour'' [4.09] ===

:'''Art Mullen''': You let Raylan take him?! Holy shit!
:'''Nelson Dunlop''': He said it was a late birthday present.
:'''Art Mullen''': Arlo Givens' body not even cold on the slab, and you let Raylan drive off into the sunset with his killer! Have you lost your mind?! Where is he? Tell me he's in Leoville, dropping off the prisoner like a good boy.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Not unless they moved it to Harlan, 'cause transponder's got him around Baxter.
:'''Art Mullen''': God damn it. God damn it!
:'''Nelson Dunlop''': You want me to go up and get him?
:'''Art Mullen''': I want you to sit your ass down and get used to purging case files until I figure out how to like you again!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': This prisoner is one Hunter Mosley. And he may be the only person I know alive who knows Drew Thompson.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Well, now...
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mr. Mosley is being transported to Supermax in the recent wake of putting a shiv in Arlo Givens, such to end his life. So I figure, Dixie mafia has got a history with Arlo and Drew. Why not put the two of you together and see what shakes out?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I'm sorry. Wait. Are you saying Arlo is dead?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You don't seem happy. I figured, if you ordered the hit, we'd all be drinking Wild Turkey by now.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Deputy Marshal, I am truly sorry for your loss, but you have to understand... I had no idea.
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[beat]'' Thank you, Wynn. Whatever your other failings, I believe that's true.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Raylan is beating Hunter]''
:'''Hunter Mosley''': What the hell are you doing?
:'''Raylan Givens''': In the words of Arlo Givens, I'm trying to knock some goddamn sense into you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well cousin Johnny, Ava and I have been trying to put together a puzzle and it seems you have some of the missing pieces. Why don't you start from the beginning?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hunter Mosley''': Raylan, you listen to what your mama taught you and not that old son-of-bitch you may turn out all right. But I wouldn't count on it, 'cause we both know whose voice it is that makes you do what you do.

=== ''Get Drew'' [4.10] ===

:'''Art Mullan''': First thing we're gonna do is we're gonna acknowledge that this guy is awesome.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': What?
:'''Art Mullan''': I mean, he shoots Theo Tonin, fakes his own death in spectacular fashion, pushes a guy out of an airplane while he's flying it, parachutes into Harlan county with enough coke and cash to jumpstart the economy of small country, and then he has the balls to get a job in law enforcement, not once, but two times! He spends a couple days riding around with you while you're looking for him, and now he's run off with a hooker half his age. That's some badass shit.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': It's pretty badass.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Johnny Crowder''': Boyd doesn't give a damn about nothing. Never did. When we was kids, he'd build half a tree house, and then he'd run off and go build a go-kart. And then he'd forget them both and spend the whole rest of the summer stealing candy and trading it for cigarettes.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'll take your word for it. I just dug coal with the man.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': And he gets back from the war, and he finds Jesus. And he receives his ordination through the mail from one of them Bible colleges down in South Carolina or some shit, making us all learn the ways of white supremacy, as it was laid down by the Lord almighty. Then he goes on and on and on about white flight and all that shit. You know what that is?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mm-hmm. People moving out of town?
:'''Johnny Crowder''': White people moving to the suburbs.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': 'Cause they want to cut grass and have barbecues?
:'''Johnny Crowder''': Shit, no. 'Cause they want to get away from black people like you and all the greasers and the asiatics and all the goddamn Mexicans running around infecting the place. But, you know, these are Boyd's words.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Johnny. What's your point?
:'''Johnny Crowder''': You know what he's doing now, Raylan? He's buying a house in the goddamn suburbs! Up there on Clover Hill, because the man is in love.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': You sound like he stole your girlfriend.
:'''Johnny Crowder''': Ha! No. He stole Raylan's girlfriend. He stole my job. Oh, but I did get this as a consolation prize for believing all of his bullshit.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Thing is, Johnny, you didn't get cut in half from Bo's shotgun 'cause of Boyd. You got shot 'cause that's the shit that happens when you choose to live a life as a small-time asshole.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Raylan]'' You shoulda been on the other side, with me and your daddy. You'd still be able to shoot people, and be an asshole... your two favorite activities.

<hr width='50%'>
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': You ever been on a plane, Mr. Crowder?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why? You plan on taking flying lessons with my money?
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': I've been having this dream. I dream that I'm flyin' this plane. I mean one of them great, big, old suckers. A jumbo jet. And all the passengers is folks from Noble's Holler. Damn near everybody I know and care about's on this thing. I'm at the controls when all of a sudden, something goes terribly wrong. Lights is flashing, buzzers sounding. And we start going down. And I'm fighting to keep it level, and it ain't no use. And I always wake up just before impact, sweating.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': While I believe I understand your subtle metaphor, what I don't understand is why you feel the need to tell me.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': Well I'm telling you so you understand why I'm about to do what I'm about to do.

<hr width='50%'>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Theo Tonin knows we got Drew. He's not gonna be too happy about that. Meaning we just got to figure out how to get out of Harlan alive.

=== ''Decoy'' [4.11] ===

:'''Nicky Augustine''': Look at you, Mr. Crowder. You're a well dressed man, you got a sense of style, you got your shirt buttoned all the way up to the top. I gotta ask where'd you get all those teeth?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Courtesy of the American taxpayer while serving our great nation in Desert Storm.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Man, I love the way you talk, using forty words when four will do. I'm curious. What would you say if I was about to put forty bullets through that beautiful vest of yours?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[Tim slams on the breaks]'' What the hell?! What are you doing?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': It's not right.
:'''Art Mullen''': What's not right?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': One abandoned car beside the road's no big deal, but two so close together, that's weird.
:'''Art Mullen''': That's Kentucky.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': How bout a third? ''[points to another up the road]''
:'''Art Mullen''': What are you thinking? IEDs?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I'm not thinking confetti cans.
:'''Art Mullen''': Are you sure about this?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': For all I know I'm just having a full-blown PTSD episode.
:'''Art Mullen''': You get those a lot?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Only when I'm handling firearms in public.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tim Gutterson''': ''[calling Colt realizing he's put IEDs in cars to ambush his team]'' Am I right in saying that you were in the sandbox before Afghanistan?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I am a double winner. Is that why you called, to ask me that?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Oh, why? You busy?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I am in the middle of something.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': All right, I'll make it quick. I'm writing a book set in Iraq. There's a chapter where a convey of military police is transporting a criminal, and Lieutenant Dan, he's our main guy, he gets a bad feeling—
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[[Forrest Gump]]''.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Huh?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': There's a Lieutenant Dan in ''Forrest Gump''.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Oh shit, you're right. I'll change it. Lieutenant Colt.
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I would like a young [[w:Gérard Depardieu|Gérard Depardieu]] to play me in the movie. I'm honored.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well you should be, he's a big guy, a real badass, or he was, he's kind of losing his grip when we meet him, he's lost someone, he's started using dope that he confiscated.
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Yeah but then we find out he's kicked again, and anyone who thinks he's in anyway diminished is in for a big surprise.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Yeah, but he's the kind of character might say he's kicked but we all know he's just one broken shoelace away from sayin' "screw it" and picking up again.
:'''Colton Rhodes''': How about you have him go into a bar and pick a fight with some rangers and he send a couple of them to the hospital?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': It's not a fantasy. Anyway, he gets a bad feeling when they pass an abandoned vehicle, sees a second and a third, so he's thinking IEDs triggered by cell. You ever come across anything like that?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Me, personally? No. But I did hear about this one convoy, couple of Frankensteins and a gun truck on Highway 10. So, the spotter, he calls a halt between the first two cars thinking the Hajis will blow the second if it moves forward, and the first if it tries to go back.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, how'd they get out of it?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Yeah, they didn't. Because they were too afraid to move, they just sat there in their vehicles, pssing and shitting in their helmets, too afraid to toss it out the windows on account of possible snipers. Then they ran out of food. They started eating each other till there was only one left, and he blew his brains out. Do you want to know the sad part?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Oh, there's a sad part?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Yeah. Because they were so afraid to move, they never found out whether or not the cars had explosives. So basically, they all died from being pussies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nicky Augustine''': ''[to Ava]'' Why are you talking? Huh? Oh, you don't like that question? Let me ask you another. How many dicks you got to suck to get to the top of the food chain around here? It's got to be a ton of dicks. It's got to be, like, morning, noon, and night. Like, ever since you were 14. It's got to be like, the alarm goes off, "I'm sucking dick. Where's another dick I can suck?" Dick, dick, dick. Go to bed, suck a dick. Dicks, dicks, dicks. It's got to be a ton. I mean, a small-time, blond girl like you, looking for a better life? Plenty of girls like you, but what sets you apart? Extraordinary vacuuming skills.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nicky Augustine''': ''[to Ava]'' You really love Boyd, don't you? That ring he got you, where'd he get it from, one of those claw machines at Denny's? He must be good at that machine, 'cause it's hard to get something, you know.

=== ''Peace of Mind'' [4.12] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Did you not wake up this morning thinking this was another opportunity to mess up some bad guy's day? I did.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Winona Hawkins''': ''[wanting Raylan to sign paperwork for their baby]'' It's kind of important that you get it done before she's born.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Yes. Listen, it's gonna be the first thing I do— What did you just say? ''[the office breaks out in applause]''
:'''Winona Hawkins''': We're having a girl, Raylan. I found out this morning.
:'''Raylan Givens''': A girl. Holy shit. Hold on. ''[office continues to clap for him]'' Thank you. I'm on the phone. Seriously. ''[back to Winona]'' Winona, I don't know shit about girls.
:'''Winona Hawkins''': That is so sweet, sayin' it like I don't already know.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': What's the matter with you, Raylan? Not used to positive attention?
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, I loved that. Can we continue?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': No, the moment's gone.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[lighting a cigarette]'' Gonna quit tomorrow.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': What do you think you're doing?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': I'm smoking.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Did you kill my friend?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': You know what it's like to be in the shit. Go back there enough times, and bad things happen.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': So, you did kill him?
:'''Colton Rhodes''': Collateral damage. I'm sorry about what happened to your friend Mark, but I think most of him died somewhere in Kandahar.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Only part I'm concerned about is the one that died here. Last time I'm telling you. Put your weapon on the ground.
:'''Colton Rhodes''': ''[Colt exhales his cigarette smoke]'' I guess I'll quit today.
:''[Colt raises his gun; Tim shoots him in the chest]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I believe you dictate the river of fate through your own actions.

=== ''Ghosts'' [4.13] ===

:'''Ethan Picker''': So, out of nowhere, Crowder calls and says he's bringing the marshal, and you just drop everything to play ''[[High Noon]]''. You want to explain to me how this makes any sense?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': All the shit I've heard about this guy, there's no way I'm saying no to a face-to-face. Plus, maybe he wants to cut a deal.
:'''Ethan Picker''': I doubt that.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Well, we'll know shortly.
:'''Ethan Picker''': You're not even a little worried he's trying to set us up, maybe even bust me for that shit at the high school?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': I might be worried if Crowder wasn't bringing him here.
:'''Ethan Picker''': What? You trust Crowder?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': I trust him not to hand us up to the feds, yeah.
:'''Ethan Picker''': You know, Sammy's already pissed we went after the ex-wife. He wants us to come home now and kiss his new ring. You think it's smart to keep him waiting?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Sammy is a rat-faced bitch boy.
:'''Ethan Picker''': He's Theo Tonin's rat-faced bitch boy!
:'''Nicky Augustine''': We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you'd popped the marshal in the first place.
:'''Ethan Picker''': ''[chuckles bitterly]'' Christ.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': But instead you let him back you down.
:'''Ethan Picker''': He didn't back me down. The cops pulled up.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Well, all I know is, if I'd have been there, he'd never walked out.
:'''Ethan Picker''': Oh. And that would have been ''pointless'', Nicky. It would have just drawn heat, as usual.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': You think too much. Pay the check.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now that you mention it, though, I'm not sure you're one to talk about going straight at a man 'stead of what he loves.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You love her, huh? Ava?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You have to ask?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Love her like how? Like how you loved the Lord and your lovely white skin or how you loved Arlo? I know he meant a lot to you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know... ''[sighs]'' ...You can know a fella your whole life and not really know him at all. You know what I think, Raylan? I think you're just jealous that I've got to open a present that will never be under your Christmas tree.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I think you love anything lets you put your head on the pillow at night believin' you ain't the bad guy.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I count four to one. That hardly seems fair.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Which way do you mean?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Ethan Picker''': Higher up the mountain, worse the footing gets.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Plane crashes, first class always hits the hardest.
:'''Ethan Picker''': I learned one thing a long time ago: doesn't pay to be the lead dog.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Raylan Givens''': What are you carrying?
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Oh, I don't have a gun.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Maybe you should get one.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Why? So you can have a reason?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You already gave me a reason.
:'''Nicky Augustine''': Bullshit. Take one look at you, I know you're not the kind of guy who'd just execute me. It's not who you are. Then you come in here with your bullshit cop threats, knowing that if your bluff gets called, you can always hide behind your badge. I don't have a badge. All I got is my word. So if I say I'm gonna kill your family, I'm gonna kill your family! 'Cause these animals out here, they think they can get over on me, they'll tear me to pieces. You want to know where I'm headed? I'm headed to Detroit to kill Theo's pasty little pussy of a son. But I'll be back for your family. You had a chance to save them this morning, but instead, you took out three of my guys. So the only chance they have now is if you use that Glock on me to end this. If you're not gonna do it, get the hell out of my car.

== Season 5 ==

=== ''A Murder of Crowes'' [5.01] ===

:'''Mike Reardon''': Mr. Crowe, a settlement offer of $20,000 has already been made. The U.S. attorney has modified it to three hundred. Do you accept that offer?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': No, I do not! After what I've been through? My kidneys and everything? You telling me all I get is $300?
:'''Mike Reardon''': $300,000, you nitwit.
:''[Dewey sits down in stunned silence]''
:'''Mike Reardon''': I'll take that as a yes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wade Messer''': Well hey, Raylan.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Wade.
:'''Wade Messer''': Can I get you a blowjob or something?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Just some water.
:'''Wade Messer''': I didn't mean me, of course.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Scott Fenton''': The idea behind organized crime is that it's supposed to be organized. When people start using chainsaws, that's a sign. And it is not a good sign.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You can come back here, and we'll take you in, or swim to Cuba.
:'''Greg Sutter''': That old lady just did it. Might work out for you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': When my daddy, Daryl Senior, died 14 years ago April, he made me promise him on his deathbed I'd keep this family together. Same like he did. No money makes it harder.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mm-hmm. Your daddy didn't die in his bed. He got drunk and flipped his airboat. You told me yourself, the day I took you to prison.

=== ''The Kids Aren't All Right'' [5.02] ===

:'''Charles Monroe''': You got any idea what that thing is worth?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': What, like 100 bucks?
:'''Charles Monroe''': That's a third-model Colt Dragoon used by Confederate General William Mahone.
:'''Raylan Givens''': So more than $100?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charles Monroe''': That's Manuela. She keeps the house. She also sautes up a mean iguana, if you're ever in the mood.
:'''Manuela''': Is very tender.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jay''': He screwed your daughter?
:'''Raylan Givens''': My daughter's in diapers.
:'''Jay''': Damn. That must be awfully upsetting, then, huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': First off, whatever transpired between you and those kids gets squashed. No vendetta, no debt. You tell me it's over, and it stays that way.
:'''Rodney "Hot-Rod" Dunham''': Would you prefer that I respond point by point or should I wait till the end?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You get in the weed business with teenagers, and it's their fault when things go wrong? You the type of fella who walks under a flock of birds, and is surprised when he ends up with shit on his face?

===''Good Intentions'' [5.03]===

:'''Wade Messer''': There's a lot of expense in taking care of whores.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': It's the kind of thing you drop soon as you discover girls. And yet here you are, all growed up, still dinging and donging and don't have the sense to ditch.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now sometimes being a man means you gotta know when to put your foot down. Well, put your foot down, Dewey Crowe!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I hoped you were the kind of man who chooses not to live in the past.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Well, normally I am. It's just that, you know, try to kill me once, shame on you…

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': You're protecting me from a situation that you created?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I can see how'd you'd see it that way if you want to focus on the negative.

===''Over the Mountain'' [5.04]===

:'''Dewey Crowe''': God, I ain't prayed in a while. It's just, I...listen, I ain't fixing to die out here in the woods like some animal. You hear me? That's bullshit. Jesus, if you help me find him, once I kill him, I swear, I'll straighten up. I'll go to church, Sunday school, whatever you want. But, Goddamnit, I got to get this thing done, you understand? I ain't ever asked you for shit!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Did it get you?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': No, but I think something just came between me and my Calvins.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Albert Fekus''': What were you smirking at when I come in?
:'''Ava Crowder''': Nothing.
:'''Albert Fekus''': Girl, you "nothing" me again, I will smash your face into that toilet till there ain't nothing left to recognize. Now answer my question.
:'''Ava Crowder''': I was thinking, aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dewey Crowe''': You can't keep me in here, Daryl. This is false imprisonment or some shit.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': So, what, you gonna call the law on me?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Well, supposing I did, you son of a bitch, what then? All that shit you made me do, dragging Messer into the woods to kill him! Why'd you make me do that, huh? Why?!
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You about done with your little hissy fit? Can we talk?
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Why did you make me do that?
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': I'll tell you why. So I know you a damn Crowe. You're one of us.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': I ain't one of you.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You ain't? So go on and run away like a full-blown bitch. Go ahead. But I'll tell you what—you get out in the world and take to running your mouth about your kin and all the bad shit we done, just remember which one of us pulled that trigger on Messer. Yeah, big man. That was all you, boy. All you. Or you can take the plunge, stay with family, be a part of what the Crowes are building here, reap the benefits of that good loyalty.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Sounds like you're selling me tires.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Nah, I'm selling you a life, Dewey Crowe. You just got to make a choice.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Marshal, you know good and well ain't nobody going nowhere. Matter of fact, we came up here to lay down roots. 'sides, if you had good enough reason to run us out of here, you'd have done it already. Ain't that right?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Just remember, so when later you're regretting the decision you made, remember I gave you the chance.

=== ''Shot All to Hell'' [5.05] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Lee Paxton]'' People of Harlan County, rich and poor, will marvel at your debasement and venality. They will spit venom when they speak your name. And they will take your suicide as the last pact of a coward. Now your reputation is ruined, your good word worthless, but death will not be the end of your suffering. For generations your children, and your children's children will have a mark against their name, and that will be your legacy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': Well, see, now you know my name and I know yours, but these two guys, what, am I just gonna have to guess? I'll bet you're Mike. I'll show you I did my homework. I know that you are his hairdresser.
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': You got it, pops. Step outside, I'll give you a clip.
:'''Art Mullen''': Now, that means that you must be, Mr. Picker, right? Ethan Picker. You have a rather noble profile, Mr. Picker. Is that due to your Greek heritage?
:'''Ethan Picker''': I got my nose from a surgeon in Beverly Hills.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Elias Marcos''': You know why I'm here.
:'''Ethan Picker''': 'Cause you're a boot-licking errand boy?
:'''Elias Marcos''': You talk to me like that because you know I'm not here to work. If I were, there wouldn't be talking.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Elias Marcos''': Let's go.
:'''Art Mullen''': I can't let that happen.
:'''Elias Marcos''': Then we're in a pickle.
:'''Art Mullen''': I'm gonna give you ten seconds to leave, and then I'm gonna shoot you.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': FYI, that's kind of a thing with these marshals.
:'''Elias Marcos''': You really think you're that good?
:'''Art Mullen''': I don't know. I'm getting old. But I'm probably pretty good from this range.
:'''Elias Marcos''': Well, we don't really need to make the 6:00 news. Besides, a thing like this has no expiration date.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': So we're clear: you ''are'' saying no?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I been accused of being a lot of things. "Inarticulate" ain't one of them.

=== ''Kill the Messenger'' [5.06] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': You must be Mr. Yoon.
:'''Mr. Yoon''': And how do you know that? Oh, the one wonton among the tortillas?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I would have said "kimchee in the salsa."

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': ''[to Raylan]'' Got yourself a dark, twisted mind, don't you, Raylan?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Danny Crowe''': Carl said he ain't gonna press charges. He said we were up there doing some sex thing, and it was... it was... consens... it was consexual.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Alison Brander''': Who are you, really? The guy whose chief punches him in the eye? That runs off to defend the honor of a lady? A guy that has a lady and the ex and the baby daughter all stashed out of state?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I guess so. What's your point?
:'''Alison Brander''': You are a hero, Raylan. I met enough LEOs to know. I can tell you're a man that would run into a burning building without blinking an eye. Thing is, I think you're the one setting the fire.

=== ''Raw Deal'' [5.07] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Johnny]'' Well, look at you. Even vultures can fly south for the winter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Yoon''': In all my years of doing business, this is a first. And I don't mean that in a good way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Chris''': Technology to reply to a post is decades away.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wendy Crowe''': ''[to Raylan]'' I have to admit I find your blatant abuse of government privilege incredibly sexy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Johnny]'' You know, what you could never understand is that some men lead and some men follow, and when you can't lead and you refuse to follow, you die alone in the desert.

=== ''Whistle Past the Graveyard'' [5.08] ===

:'''Dewey Crowe''': That's gonna look awful bad, we get pulled over with a load of dead dudes in the truck.
:'''Daryl Crowe''': You ain't gotta worry, cousin Dewey. We'll hide 'em underneath all that heroin.

=== ''Wrong Roads'' [5.09] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I'm on vacation, actually.
:'''Alex Miller''': Vacation? And you thought you'd come to Memphis and kick the hornet's nest, huh?
:'''Raylan Givens''': And have some ribs.
:'''Alex Miller''': ''[mocking]'' And have some ribs. Yeah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Hi, this is Wynn Duffy in 236. Could you send up another pot of coffee, please? Because this one tastes like my ass on Sunday. Thank you, dear.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Miller, would you call this a herd, a gaggle, or a flock of assholes?
:'''Alex Miller''': I would call this a United Nations of assholes.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, that's funny because we were just discussing ratifying some shit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Roscoe''': "King Lear"? Shakespeare? Basically, Lear split his kingdom in half and gave it to his two daughters, deal being Lear get to hang out and keep 100 knights. They agree, and then later, these two bitch-ass daughters, they change the deal. They like, "well, daddy, what you need with 100 knights? 50, 10, 5? What you need with one?" Lear says, "reason not the need." Hot damn! Reason not the need.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Uh-huh. I don't understand what these two are talking about, but I got to admit I'm interested.
:'''Roscoe''': Well, in the analogy, we be Lear, and we just want what's rightfully ours, and then we out, never to be seen again. And, well, they the bitches. You can have them and they kingdom.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan]'' Jesus Christ. Is this real, or has early-onset dementia finally set in, and I'm starting to see you in my waking hours?

=== ''Weight'' [5.10] ===

:'''Dewey Crowe''': This conversation is just you and me.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Hold on, Dewey, I'm gonna put you on speaker phone.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Katherine Hale''': Wow, you got yourself caught between the Detroit rock and the shitkicker hard place. Trafficking in weight, like you said you never would. What happened Wynn? Did you finally just get greedy?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''[quietly]'' I don't know what happened.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Alright, Raylan, alright, you win. You wanna find Dewey here's what you do. First of all go to a gas'n'go or whatever and get yourself a map of Kentucky. Follow route 9 southbound with your finger, follow it way way down until you're pointing right at... your asshole, and then what you gonna do is you're gonna take your hand and just go ahead and cram it right up inside. You gotta make sure, Raylan, that you do it in a way so that the rest of you just keeps on following your hand right up your ass, right up inside all that shit you're so full of, Raylan. And then what you gonna do is you're just gonna ''[whistles]'' wink out of existence forever.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan]]''': Proud of that one, aren't you?
:'''Dickie Bennett''': ...It'll do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Danny Crowe''': I had this buddy that ran a puppy mill in Sarasota, and he got popped for a DUI. He asked me to take care of his puppies. And I found this, this litter of dead puppies. I guess the mom had died when she was giving birth and couldn't take care of the brood. But there was one puppy who was barely alive, and it was Chelsea. And I, I raised her up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know, I spend most of my time in the company of criminals. Now one could argue I'm guilty by association, but between me and you, I'm every bit as despicable as they are.

=== ''The Toll'' [5.11] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Mr. Picker, the only explaining I've ever done in my life was to my Mama when she caught me sneaking in after my curfew. And you ain't my Mama. But I'll indulge you with a short answer to your question: Shit happens, Mr. Picker.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''David Vasquez''': She tell you anything about why she was at Duffy's hotel suite?
:'''Rachel Brooks''': ''[imitating Katherine's accent]'' "Visiting an old family friend. Is that a crime?"
:'''David Vasquez''': Well, not compared to racketeering, conspiracy, and murder, no.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ethan Picker''': Our friends in Mexico are furious about the bullshit that happened in the desert—
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I need you to be quiet.
:'''Ethan Picker''': —they're this close to sending a goddamn hit squad up here.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I need you to stop.
:'''Ethan Picker''': I say we put Boyd Crowder's head in a goddamn box!
:'''Wynn Duffy''': ''[standing]'' ''Mr. Picker!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I may not know a lot about a lot of things, but I do know how to blow shit up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Just so I'm clear, you're not gonna kill me? 'Cause I was worried for a minute.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Oh, be worried.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Yeah?
:'''Raylan Givens''': 'Cause that web of bullshit you spun around yourself to protect yourself? I'm gonna use it to strangle the life out of you and take away everything you got. Then you're gonna wish I'd have blacked you out—with a bullet to the head.
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Well, this feels like one of those "time will tell" deals which, as a free man, I have plenty of. Question is: how much time you got?

=== ''Starvation'' [5.12] ===

:'''Wynn Duffy''': Alberto, was it? Alberto, I'm not one to niggle over management styles, but let's say you would have let me know you were coming, I would have preserved some proof for you. A head, say, or a set of teeth?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': My suite is being cleaned. The microwave exploded.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': [[American Hustle (2013 film)|Someone put metal in the science oven?]]
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I finally saw that.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': What did you think?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Needs more [[w:Jason Statham|Jason Statham]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dewey Crowe''': I give you a gift, the anus is on you to take care of it, not just give it away to any old dick face happens along.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dewey Crowe''': This it then, Raylan? No final words, put Dewey Crowe in his place?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': My advice? Stop talking about yourself in the third person. Makes you sound like a fool.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Third person? This guy? ''[indicating the driver]'' Man, I don't understand you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You said you'd help us get him. You didn't get him. So we'll be proceeding to convene a grand jury, bring charges against you as soon as possible.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you back to that file bullshit?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Bullshit?
:''[Raylan opens his desk and pulls out a thick file of papers.]''
:'''Raylan Givens''': There it is. Thick with the names of the suffering and the dead, and many felled by your own hands. A trail of human wreckage you've left rotting in jail cells and cold graves throughout this state. And why? Because they had the poor judgment to believe your lies and follow your tune. Well, it's high time that tune reached a shuddering crescendo.

=== ''Restitution'' [5.13] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Say, what's the first thing you ever killed? You're from Florida, right?
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Gator, maybe. When I was 11.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I was 11, too, or thereabouts. Wasn't a gator, though. Will Hendricks' pig got out of its pen, went feral, started tearing up my mama's vegetable patch. Arlo built the trap, caught it, gave me a gun, said, "get 'er done." You ever see a pig that's gone feral? Nasty. Tusks grow. They get dirty, ill-tempered. They don't look bad from a distance, but get up close, best watch your ass. You hook the gator before you...?
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Danny hooked him. Wanted to do it himself, but Daryl said it was my time.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, there you are, pointing that gun at something that's staring back at you, right? Longer I stood there, the less I wanted to do it. Not that I had a choice. Arlo'd tan my hide if I didn't.
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Danny called me a pussy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Ain't about being a pussy, though, is it? No small thing, taking a life. Hell, my hand was shaking so bad, first shot nearly missed. Pig squealing, bucking, spraying blood. Put three more shots just to get it to lay still. I knew I should have felt good about it, but I didn't. Walked home, stepped through the front door, and threw up. That's when Arlo called me a pussy. He beat the shit out of me, too. Started thinking less about what I'd done to that pig and more—about what I'd like to do to Arlo.
:'''Kendal Crowe''': Well, did you do it?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not as such. I always wondered, though, if I didn't join the Marshals just to prove something to him what a badass I was. Maybe just to spite him. He hated me being a lawman. And I knew. I knew when I joined that I might have to shoot someone in the line of duty. But first time it happened, god damn if it wasn't the same feeling sick to my stomach. Just kept asking myself if there was something I could have done different short of pulling my gun. What was it like for you?
:'''Kendal Crowe''': What, the gator? It's a goddamn dinosaur. Who gives a shit?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Now, some folks say Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth. Well, I promise those folks ain't never partied with Boyd Crowder in Sin City.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Alberto Ruiz''': You have good hunting around here?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Not bad. My daddy used to take me and my brother when we was young, but I didn't much care for it. Prefer to hunt animals who have a chance to fight back.
:'''Alberto Ruiz''': My father took me as well, to the Sonoran desert.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Ah. Hunting big game, like scorpions, and lizards and whatnot?
:'''Alberto Ruiz''': Mostly bighorn sheep and mule deer. We'd spend the morning making our kills, take them back to our campsite, where my father taught me how to skin them. The first cut, you make right down the belly. Bleed the animal, remove the insides, careful not to puncture the bladder. Next, you remove the genitals. Now you are ready to the take the skin. Cut first at the ankle joints, snap the tendons, start to peel back the pelt. The trick is to remove it in one piece. It's easiest when the animal is still warm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You want me shit my pants, Alberto? 'Cause it seems to me, that'd make your job a hell of a lot more unpleasant. You see, I know real pain. Shit you can't even imagine. Now, you want to put me out of my misery? How 'bout you stop running your goddamn mouth and do whatever it is you got to do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You a dirty, rotten, nasty bitch.
:'''Wendy Crowe''': Well, I guess we all get the family we deserve, right, Daryl?
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': You know good and well I ain't gonna let you walk up out of here with that, right?
:'''Wendy Crowe''': What are you gonna do, kill me?
:'''Daryl Crowe Jr.''': Mm. Give me that phone, Wendy, or I'm gonna take it, and stick it down your goddamn throat.
:'''Wendy Crowe''': Well, that'd be a real ballsy move, wouldn't it, Daryl? ''[presses a gun to Daryl's crotch]'' How are you gonna do it without your balls?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[standing over a dying Daryl]'' Didn't I tell you you were gonna wish I killed you? Well, don't you?

== Season 6 ==

=== ''Fate's Right Hand'' [6.01] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': I'm so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a low-flying duck.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Good things happen to those who wait for stupid.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': I believe that was in the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[about Dewey Crowe]'' You know, he once told me he worked at Disney World dressed as Goofy, in a water-skiing show.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, some guys just peak too early.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': Yeah, you could kill Boyd. Then you'd be headed down to Florida without a star and a gun. And you might be seeing your daughter through the glass on visitation days at the penitentiary. Or, Raylan, there's another way it goes, where you try and you fail and the bullet finds you.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Unlikely.
:'''Art Mullen''': I know you think so, but if you'll allow me... You get to be my age, do the job as long as you do... sometimes it just doesn't go your way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dewey Crowe''': I want to go back. I want it to be like it used to be at the church, when we was Crowder's commandos!
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You, me, and Devil.
:'''Dewey Crowe''': Yes! And the Pork brothers, giving me no end of shit. The music cranked so loud that we almost blew the roof off that old church. Bombing around in my Cadillac and making war plans and drinking 'shine. Why can't it be like that again, Boyd?

=== ''Cash Game'' [6.02] ===

:'''Betty''': Handsome young man comes to my house, spewing sunshine, offering a ride in his Mercedes... feels like maybe I'm chatting with the devil himself.
:'''John-O''': What's this about?
:'''Ty Walker''': I come to offer you an opportunity to depart this burdensome homestead, live the rest of your days free as newborn babes.
:'''Betty''': Oh, I was right. You ''are'' the devil.
:'''Ty Walker''': No, ma'am, just a man with a plan.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Choo-Choo''': Since I was a kid, folks called me Choo-Choo.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Because you like trains?
:'''Choo-Choo''': 'Cause when I hit you, it comes hard, it comes fast like a choo-choo train.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Avery Markham''': Know what I do, keep my people loyal?
:'''Katherine Hale''': Do tell.
:'''Avery Markham''': Overpay them. Christmas bonus, Easter bonus, President's Day bonus, Pappy Van Winkle on their birthday. Don't nobody bite this hand.
:'''Katherine Hale''': Yeah, well, it must be a little harder to turn a profit, I would imagine.
:'''Avery Markham''': There's plenty to go around, and it's a small price to pay for loyalty.
:'''Katherine Hale''': All right, but what if one of them did betray you? What would you do then? Cut off a finger the way Grady used to?
:'''Avery Markham''': If cutting fingers were enough, Grady would still be alive, wouldn't he?
:'''Katherine Hale''': Well, what, then take out an eye?
:'''Avery Markham''': An eye? I don't know. One-eyed guy can still see, still get a driver's license, even. Both eyes maybe. That'd be a good start.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ty Walker''': You see what happens if you call me a peacock?

=== ''Noblesse Oblige'' [6.03] ===

:'''Ty Walker''': I'm just a weather vane, Mr. Crowder. I don't make the wind blow. I'm saying, you find a way to counsel patience, desist coming after what doesn't belong to you, and everybody wins town, county, and state. Now, that being said, you insist upon the track thus far set upon, there will be consequences.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You done? Damn, son. You like to talk as much as I do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Earl? You really need me to run down all the "or elses"?
:'''Earl''': Actually, I was hoping you'd try grabbing my prick again, see if it goes the same way now I'm paying attention.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I ain't gonna grab it. I'm just gonna shoot it off. You understand me, Earl? I'm gonna shoot your dick off.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Avery Markham''': Ava, I've known my share of criminals. It's an ugly part of my past that I hope to remedy by investing more wisely in the future.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Well, you're off to a bang-up start kidnapping me.
:'''Avery Markham''': Wasn't my choice, I assure you.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Whose was it, then? ''[indicating Walker]'' His?
:'''Avery Markham''': It was yours. Come to reconnoiter my place of business, living some fantasy outlaw life, just you and Boyd against the world.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Sounds like you know a thing or two about it.
:'''Avery Markham''': I know for a woman to survive in this line of work, she's got to be harder than the men, ready to do the things they won't. I know women who have that in them. My question is, are you that kind of woman, Ava? Because if you ain't, then you'll never be more than a token, something that can be threatened or hurt just to keep your man in line.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Avery Markham''': Last time I saw you, you were no bigger than minute. Peacocking around your daddy like you thought you was already a full-grown bad man.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I recognize you now, Mr. Markham. That being said, I still don't recall being bounced on your knee. Nevertheless, it, uh, seems that I owe you an apology.
:'''Avery Markham''': Like I said, I can't blame you for not remembering.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': No, sir. The apology that I owe is for my craven attempt to pilfer that which rightfully belongs to you. As defense, I offer only my ignorance.
:'''Avery Markham''': Meaning you thought you were stealing from Calhoun?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Yes, sir. I did.
:'''Avery Markham''': And now you know the prize in question belongs to me.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': That I do.
:'''Avery Markham''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': And any, uh, plan that I had for my next attempt should be considered abandoned as foolhardy, not to say unworthy.
:'''Avery Markham''': Hmm. I hope you'll understand when I say I don't want to see either of you at the portal again. Next time you want a slice, order in. Have it here in 30 minutes, or it's free. And if I see you in my place of business again I'll kill you. ''[beat]'' Come to it, I guess you ain't all that big now. Grown, but still just playing pretend.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Woman, how do you see this playing out in your mind? You think he's not gonna put it together that you were in on ripping him off? Avery Markham's not a man to sit still while someone takes what's his, let them go live the good life somewhere on his dime?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': So, you're out, right? That's what you're saying? I mean, let's just set aside all this poetic, down-home, hillbilly bullshit. Bottom line is you're backing down.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Oh, I ain't backing down. I'm gonna rob him. And then I'm gonna stick a bullet in your boyfriend's head.
:'''Katherine Hale''': You know what, Boyd? From the moment I met you, I just knew you were the man of my dreams.

=== ''Trash and the Snake'' [6.04] ===

:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Your mama asks you to take out the trash, you do as she says, but you see a copperhead on the way out, you don't go back inside, say you didn't do nothing because all she asked was take out the trash. You take out the trash and the snake.
:'''Art Mullen''': Didn't your mama ever tell you that there's always another snake?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I knew you'd say that.
:'''Art Mullen''': Raylan, if you declare war on them all, they're just gonna outbreed you and outlast you—and bring you down for good.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You telling me not to do the job?
:'''Art Mullen''': No. I'm telling you not to get your ass bit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': What do you want to bet that she and Mr. Hutchins didn't die peacefully in their sleep?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': No, but it's such a nice thought. It's how I want to go. I'm kidding. I want [[Sigourney Weaver]] to choke me out with her thighs.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dickie Bennett''': This is one of them ecstatic visions I've been having of late. All right, all right! Here we go-o-o-o. Mighty spirit!
:'''Raylan Givens''': Dickie Bennett, this is archangel Raylan, here to deliver unto thee a loaded-up commissary in exchange for your cooperation in a federal criminal investigation.
:'''Dickie Bennett''': Oh! Message received, but I'm afraid what you ask, it's— it's just it's too g-great. It really is. I cannot see a way to answer your call.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Search your soul, numbnuts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Loretta McCready''': Somebody please tell me what all you're talking about.
:'''Raylan Givens''': The man is making you an offer you can't refuse: sell or he kills you.
:'''Avery Markham''': Oh, come on, now. I may make you an offer you can't refuse... but that's because I'm offering you more money than you ever imagined.
:'''Loretta McCready''': And if I don't want it at any price?
:'''Avery Markham''': Then you'd be a bird so rare as to never before have been sighted.
:'''Raylan Givens''': The negotiation has ended. I told you you can't have my land. I'm adding hers to the list.
:'''Avery Markham''': I don't see how you can do that, legally speaking.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You want to follow that thread, be my guest. Till then, you can put away your suitcase of money.
:'''Avery Markham''': Or what? You gonna give me 24 hours to get out of town, Deputy U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': And he said he didn't do his homework.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I'm just saying there's no deal to make here.
:'''Avery Markham''': First you turn me down. Now this. What's next? Third time? You gonna tell me that, by the power vested in you, that there's something else I ain't allowed to do? This is still America, last time I checked the flagpole.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's next is entirely based on the next choice you make.
:'''Avery Markham''': I think I'll burn one on the way out. Helps me think. You gonna haul me in?
:'''Raylan Givens''': No, not for weed. I can assure you of that.

=== ''Sounding'' [6.05] ===

:''[Duffy and Mike are playing Scrabble]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': "Aplex"?
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': Yeah.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': I'm pretty sure "aplex" isn't a word, Mikey.
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': Of course it is. "I don't like that guy. He aplexes me."
:''[Duffy sighs and answers his cell phone]''
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Yeah?
:'''Trig''': He's going. You want me to follow him or not?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Yes, I do. Call me when he lands. ''[hangs up]''
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': You okay? You look aplexed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ty Walker''': Permission to speak freely, sir?
:'''Avery Markham''': You about to give me an opinion, or a warning, or both? Seems to me I've been perfectly clear about what I expect to transpire down here. Shouldn't be any more up for discussion.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bob Sweeney''': Hell, yeah, I got a badge. And I got balls like Death Stars. Let's do this.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Now after that '90 collapse over in Joseph's Valley, didn't I hear you swear up and down on your mama's grave that you'd never go in without a good sounding?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I did, indeed.
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Yeah, well, I'm gonna enjoy seeing you go in the deep. All those traps and chutes breaking through and all those rotting supports busting up. Oh, it's gon' be somethin' to see.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mundo A.K.A. Choo-Choo has just killed Calhoun Schrier by accident with a too-heavy blow to the head]''
:'''Seabass''': I said a starter tap!
:'''Choo-Choo''': You want him slapped like a little girl, you do it. All right? You ask me, he gets Amtrak-ed.

=== ''Alive Day'' [6.06] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': You don't have to lie to me, Uncle Zachariah. I'm not a little girl anymore.
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Make it a whole lot easier on me if you was. Tell you the truth, I always found grown-ups to be mystifying. More so myself since I got to be one.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Avery Markham''': And who am I supposed to have killed?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, we've heard that'd be quite a list. You don't mind, we'll just focus on the last 24 hours.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Choo-Choo''': Good thing about people thinking you're dumb is, they tend to give you the benefit of the doubt.
:'''Caprice''': What makes you think people think you're dumb?
:'''Choo-Choo''': ''[chuckles]'' It's all right. Before my "alive day," if I'd met a guy that looks and talks the way I do now, I'd have thought the same thing.
:'''Caprice''': You'd be amazed how many guys think that if they talk fast enough, no one'll realize they got nothing to say. I like the way you take your time. It's like all you want is for the other person to understand.
:'''Choo-Choo''': ''[beat]'' You ever wish things wouldn't have to be the way they are? You know, like, if you close your eyes and open them, things would be different?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Wonderful things can happen when you sow seeds of distrust in a garden of assholes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ty Walker''': Choo-Choo's a rock. He'd never give us up.
:'''Avery Markham''': Not on purpose. Feds have got guys that spend their whole lives tying people in knots—
:'''Ty Walker''': I'm not— ''[pauses]'' Choo-Choo and I were in the sandbox together.
:'''Avery Markham''': I know.
:'''Ty Walker''': I was in the Humvee right behind his when he got blown up. I.E.D. flipped them over, then landed on our hood. Crushed their gunner like a bug on our windshield. Choo-Choo's in the captain's seat. ''[laughs bitterly]'' We got that door open... You wouldn't think anybody could be alive in there. Medics picking splinters of the driver's bones out of his face. He lives through ''that?'' No.
:'''Avery Markham''': One morning when I was in the Corps, we found a dead Cong who'd stepped in a punji pit in the dark. Thing about punji sticks, they're not meant to kill. A dead soldier reduces the force against you by one, but a wounded soldier slows down a whole unit. Cong used to cover their stakes with human shit, make the wounds infect. But rather than being a drag on his comrades, make them carry him back, this feller just decided to put a gun in his mouth.
:'''Ty Walker''': One man dies so the others can live.
:'''Avery Markham''': Anybody can run a peacetime command. Real leadership's about making the hard choices.

=== ''The Hunt'' [6.07] ===

:'''Rachel Brooks''': I don't want this guy going all Eric Frein on us, hole up at some derelict airport for weeks while we're out here chasing our own dicks.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Sounds really strange when you say that.
:'''Rachel Brooks''': I'm running shit. I get to use the expression.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ty Walker''': I never went to college myself. Joined the army right out of high school. Gave me some notion of fraternity.
:'''Troy''': And we thank you for your service. Now, if you're done whipping your army pud in there, I got to shit.
:'''Ty Walker''': Begging the question, will your brother over there step in when I split your skull open?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': ''[to Raylan about his daughter Willa]'' Oh, my goodness. What a relief. She doesn't look like you. Good for her.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Winona Hawkins''': ''[to Raylan]'' I'm saying I love you and I miss you and I want you to come home, and I don't care where home is. I don't care if it's here or in Miami or in the hills. It doesn't matter to me. But if you want it, I want you by my side raising our daughter. So, I guess what I'm saying is you can be with me and still be you, if that's something you want.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ty Walker''': ''[holding two EMTs at gunpoint]'' "Be on the lookout, bearded sasquatch man, possible gunshot wound", is that right? ''[kills one EMT]'' That sound right?!
:'''EMT Abraham''': Yes, yes! Jesus!
:'''Ty Walker''': Didn't realize they were gonna send me a couple of heroes. All I wanted was that kit patch myself up. See a man I got to see, do a job I got to do. That's all. Then they send me a pair of heroes.
:'''EMT Abraham''': He was a hero. Put me in the back, strap me down. I-I won't be able to move or call anyone. And you can take the kit. You can take the kit and get away.
:'''Ty Walker''': Yeah, I could do that. But it's been such a day!
:''[Walker kills EMT Abraham]''

=== ''Dark As a Dungeon'' [6.08] ===

:'''Mortician''': ''[about Raylan's parents]'' And how about the manner in which they were buried?
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I wasn't around, but I guarantee you he put her in the cheapest piece of shit available.
:'''Mortician''': Likely an unvaulted wooden casket.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Mm-hmm.
:'''Mortician''': And him?
:'''Raylan Givens''': I put him in the cheapest piece of shit available.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': A man died, Boyd.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': A man you ain't known a goddamn week!
:'''Zachariah Randolph''': Well, I can see you really torn up about it. Real leader of men, ain't ya?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': It ain't the first man I've lost doing a job, Zachariah, and the job ain't over yet.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Harlan. Hell of a place to make your fortune.
:'''Avery Markham''': Fortune? Hell, I'm putting down roots.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Tough to do in quicksand.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': Let's just say you're putting down roots, I'm pulling up. Sick of the past.
:'''Avery Markham''': True. Past is a shadow. Always there behind you.
:'''Raylan Givens''': In Harlan, shit, it ain't behind you. It's vertical. Dig down another layer, turn up some horror.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I been lying to you, Boyd.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, now we're getting somewhere.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Keeping up the fiction that I got all manner of things tying me to Kentucky things that forestall my moving to Florida. But there is only the one thing: you.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You wanna lean in for a kiss?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Is that what you think this is, another one of your love stories?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Oh, well, I do like happy endings.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, this is one of them classic stories, where the hero gets his man, then he rides off into the sunset.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Or maybe it's like that other classic, where a guy chases a whale to the ends of the Earth, only to drown for his troubles.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I got to admit, there's a small part of me that's gonna miss this when it's over.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, don't eulogize the past till the future gets its turn.

=== ''Burned'' [6.09] ===

:'''Boon''': When I was just a pup, my mama used to say I tended to leap before I looked.
:'''Loretta MacCready''': Well, if you're done looking, now would be a good time to scoot your ass on out of here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boon''': Name's Boon. Pleased to meet you.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': I wouldn't rush to judgment on that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You got more balls than sense, you know that, girl?
:'''Loretta MacCready''': Ain't that what they say about you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Loretta MacCready''': My fix is the same as yours, Mr. Markham. Promise of legal weed. The difference is, I've been here for generations. You all knew my daddy. ''[crowd murmuring in agreement]'' You all know me. Know that I'm Harlan through and through. And so is my partner.
:'''Avery Markham''': And who might that be?
:'''Loretta MacCready''': The only other soul I know who cares about this place as much as I do: Boyd Crowder. ''[to the crowd]'' Every one of you who has been approached about your property, this is my offer. I will give you cash for your land, same as Markham, but the difference is I don't want to move you guys out. Just want to move some seed in. And along with that seed, we bring security and protection now and in perpetuity. Hire the locals to help with the farming, pay it back. You think Avery Markham and his city mousette ain't gonna cut and run win or lose? She look like Harlan to you? Throw in with me, and we'll make Harlan prosperous our own selves. Give this county back to the people the way we all know it should be!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Avery Markham''': You know, I don't get you. Give you some of my own money to help you out. 24 hours ago upstairs, I figured you and me are simpatico. I see you're just jerking me around and using me to get Boyd.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Don't take it personal. I'm just doing what I gotta do.
:'''Avery Markham''': Yeah. That's my plan.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What's that?
:'''Avery Markham''': Doing what I gotta do.

=== ''Trust'' [6.10] ===

:'''Ava Crowder''': Come on, Boyd, you know Ellstin Limehouse has made a fortune being the man folks can count on in times of trouble.
:'''Ellstin Limehouse''': And I recall you yourself have benefited from that on more than one occasion.
:'''Ava Crowder''': And on reflection, I wonder if the benefit warranted the cost.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Anybody ever tell you should talk less?
:'''Boon''': Yeah. One guy.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, you're young yet.
:'''Boon''': Anyway, the matter I wanted your take on: you come across a fella like this, never sat a horse or roped a steer, wants putting on a hat to make him a, a buckaroo. You think it's up to gentlemen like us to disabuse him?
:'''Raylan Givens''': You're asking if we're keepers of some kind of flame. I guess my main take is I believe you're overestimating how much you and I have in common.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': You really think this ends in a trial?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Shit, I hope so. All the work we've done.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What I mean is, you really think Boyd's gonna let us take him in instead of going out in a blaze like the outlaw he's spent his whole life trying to be?
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Well, I guess that'll be up to him. ''[pointedly]'' Won't it, Raylan?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Avery Markham''': You ever notice how the necessities of our line of work weigh heavy on your conscience?
:'''Boon''': Always seemed to me, as far as conscience goes, the sweet spot is you either be poor enough you can't afford to have one or rich enough you can afford to hire someone to carry the weight.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': ''[to Markham about Katherine]'' Oh. Uh, ripping you off that was her idea from the jump. Payback for you murdering her husband. I just, uh, ''[laughing]'' I just thought you ought to know!

=== ''Fugitive Number One'' [6.11] ===

:'''Avery Markham''': Well, I've always loved you, Katherine. I just don't trust you.
:'''Katherine Hale''': Well, I accepted your proposal, Avery. Would it be so bad for the two of us to live together, not trusting each other, just like everybody else in the whole wide world?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike Cosmatopolis''': ''[to Duffy]'' This isn't just about some code! You were as close to family as I ever had. I believed in you, Wynn. End of the day, you're a rat. And rats get exterminated, period. And I hate being called "Mikey"!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You know, it don't bother me much running into a cop from this town that's bent to shit. I grew up around here. Kinda expect it now and then. What irritates me is when you call 'em on it, and they give you this look like, "how dare you insinuate I'm a piece of shit tarnishing my badge?" I see you doing the math, whether you're gonna tolerate the insult. But you should know, one of your co-workers is in the hospital with brain bleed, and this boy's brother's dead, so you might wanna factor them items into the equation before you decide what you're gonna do next.
:'''Crosley''': Number one, I don't like your tone. Number two, that badge don't mean shit. And number three, this boy's been bonded out fair and square. Matter of fact, I was just about to call the judge.
:'''Raylan Givens''': The marshal service have spent a lot of time and effort apprehending a fugitive that's now out on the run, and lives are in danger because of it, so every time you open your mealy mouth to lie, I think of that, and I start picturing how you'd look without any of your goddamn teeth.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Katherine Hale''': You're being awfully flip for someone who's about to die.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': What do you want me to say, Katherine? Yes, I ratted out Grady to Simon Poole and, yes, I killed Simon Poole because Simon Poole was gonna rat me out to Grady. The life we chose, huh?
:'''Katherine Hale''': Why kill Grady?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': What do you care? You were schtupping Markham. You think about it, I did you a favor.
:'''Katherine Hale''': Yeah. Yeah, maybe you did. But Wynn, Grady was my husband. He was my partner. And here's how it works. You protect your partner, and you avenge them against people who do them wrong. That is something I strongly believe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Art Mullen''': You got 48 hours, Raylan. That's all I can give you.
:'''Raylan Givens''': 48 hours, bullshit. Who you got coming after me? Everybody?
:'''Art Mullen''': You got too high an opinion of yourself. Of course, you always have. Everybody's out looking for Boyd. I'll be the one coming after you.

=== ''Collateral'' [6.12] ===

:'''Avery Markham''': ''[to Katherine Hale's corpse]'' I always scoffed at people talking to loved ones who'd moved on. Seemed impractical to me. Can't hear you. They're gone. And I'm a practical man. Except when it comes to you, it seems. Revenge, Katherine. What did you in? Damn it, I told you I would get Duffy! Why didn't you trust me? For once, why couldn't you just do what you were told to do? I'll always love you, Katherine, but you need to know. I may be talking to a ghost, but I am still a practical man. I'd love to gut Wynn Duffy from nose to tail, but I have got to go and get my goddamn money.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Raylan Givens, Boyd Crowder, and Avery Markham are soon to converge, Mr. Vasquez. Like the aligning of the planets, if those planets carried guns and hated my guts. I don't ever plan on returning to Kentucky. May I?
:'''David Vasquez''': I just have one last question. You know, for me. Off the record.
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Sounds sexy.
:'''David Vasquez''': You know, I have a-a stack of files this tall. Sits on my desk. It's got all kinds of witness interrogation and, um, surveillance records and info from snitches about who killed Simon Poole 14 years ago. And it all adds up to jack shit. So I just want to know, between you and me, who really did it? Who killed my boss?
:'''Wynn Duffy''': Between you and me, Mr. Vasquez, I really and truly don't know.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hagan''': I appreciate the lie, Mr. Crowder. But we both know what you was thinking. Loose end and all.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You know my mind? Now, maybe I was gonna take your keys, let you walk.
:'''Hagan''': ''[scoffs]'' So you could shoot me in the back? You're gonna have to look me in the eye, you pull that trigger. Nah, I knew the minute you stepped in my cab I was gonna be staring down the black hole of your gun, cut me down like the plague you are.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I got to say, you did do a pretty good job all that smoke you were blowing up my ass.
:'''Hagan''': Ain't no smoke. But I will say this. Stories of outlaw legends, they ain't passed down by the families of the murdered.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I don't give a shit about "the Ballad of Boyd Crowder". I'll be dead and gone when that song gets sung.
:'''Hagan''': Old boy by the name of Hut McKean mean anything to you?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Let me guess. I killed him, my men killed him, my dope killed him, or my daddy killed him? Next thing that comes out of your mouth is, "how do you sleep at night, Boyd Crowder?" Well, do you know how? 'Cause I know who I am. Do you? You're a slave, disenfranchised, don't even know it. You drive your shitty truck to your shitty house, live out your shitty life. You think you're better than me 'cause you play by the rules? Whose rules? My life is my own.
:'''Hagan''': You ain't even heard a word I said.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': I don't give a shit about what you said. I'm an outlaw.
:''[Boyd kills Hagan]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why you want to kill me so bad, Raylan? You don't even know why. "Boyd Crowder must die!" That's just the lie you tell yourself, wanting to win.
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': You are the world-conquering emperor of lies, the biggest reserved for yourself.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Just say it, Raylan. "I want to win!"
:'''Raylan Givens''': ''[chuckles]'' How about, "I want the money"? Shit. You want to kill her, Boyd. You want to kill the woman who stole your money, shot you, and left you for dead.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You don't know what's in my heart.
:'''Raylan Givens''': What heart?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You don't know what's in your own heart. You've given up everything you are so that you could murder me.
:'''Raylan Givens''': I cross the line with my eyes wide open.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, whose eyes you gonna see when you kill me, Raylan? Your daddy's?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Not anymore.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Your baby girl's? Imagine the look on her face the day she realizes, "my daddy spent his whole life trying to walk the line and failed".
:'''Raylan Givens''': She'll live her life the way everybody does: on her own.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Are you sure you don't want me to kill you, Raylan, keep you a hero? That makes for a hell of a bedtime story.
:'''Raylan Givens''': This is the only story here tonight.
:'''Bob Sweeney''': ''[in the distance]'' Help!
:'''Boyd Crowder''': You don't think that's Bob, do you?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Why would that be Bob?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, I shot him a couple times down at the trail head. I think he might still be alive. You ought to go run down there and see if you can't help him.
:'''Raylan Givens''': Bob can take care of himself.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Well, hell, Raylan. Then I have already won.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[finding Derrick Waters mortally wounded]''
:'''Avery Markham''': What the hell is this?
:'''Boon''': Yeah, he tried to pull on me.
:'''Avery Markham''': You just gonna let him lay there and bleed?
:'''Boon''': Was I supposed to take him to the hospital?
:''[Markham kills Derrick]''
:'''Avery Markham''': Hope he wasn't someone dear to you.
:'''Loretta McCready''': Just someone I paid to watch my back.
:'''Avery Markham''': Money not well spent, I'd say.

=== ''The Promise'' [6.13] ===

:'''Boyd Crowder''': Why? We had the money. We were home free.
:'''Ava Crowder''': Honestly, Boyd? I put myself in your shoes. I did what I thought you would do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]''': Well, I hope you get someone at this desk that's less of a pain in the ass.
:'''Tim Gutterson''': Not likely there's someone who's more of a pain in the ass. I just hope it's someone who can keep up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Raylan Givens''': I hear you're preaching again, gathering a flock.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Just spreading the word of my calamitous fall and subsequent rebirth in the light of the Lord, Raylan.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You know you're repeating yourself, right?
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Raylan Givens, I know you have never believed a word that has come out of my mouth, though I have harbored the secret hope that you have nevertheless enjoyed hearing them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Hell, sometimes, I think the only way to get out of our town alive is to have never been born there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Last lines of the series]''
:'''Boyd Crowder''': Tramble Penitentiary is a long way from Miami, Raylan. Now, you could have called the warden. Could have sent word through my lawyer.
:'''Raylan Givens''': You asking why I came? Thought it was news that should be delivered in person.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': That the only reason? After all these long years, Raylan Givens, that's the only reason?
:'''Raylan Givens''': Well, I suppose if I allow myself to be sentimental, despite all that has occurred there is one thing I wander back to.
:'''Boyd Crowder''': We dug coal together.
:'''Raylan Givens''': That's right.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Timothy Olyphant|Timothy Olyphant]] - [[w:Raylan Givens|Raylan Givens]]
* [[w:Walton Goggins|Walton Goggins]] - Boyd Crowder
* [[w:Nick Searcy|Nick Searcy]] - Art Mullen
* [[w:Joelle Carter|Joelle Carter]] - Ava Crowder
* [[w:Jacob Pitts|Jacob Pitts]] - Tim Gutterson
* [[w:Erica Tazel|Erica Tazel]] - Rachel Brooks
* [[w:Natalie Zea|Natalie Zea]] - Winona Hawkins
* [[w:Jere Burns|Jere Burns]] - Wynn Duffy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|1489428|Justified}}
* {{Tv.com show|77651|Justified}}
* {{Official website|http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/originals/justified/}}

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
[[Category:FX shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Television programs based on novels]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T18:14:33Z

Sketchmoose: /* Basil the Rat */ formatting, punctuation

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''': Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[goes into the bathroom]'' There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly]'' I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly to Manuel]'' Deaf, mad, and blind. ''[Goes to the window]'' Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay, madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? ''[mutters]'' Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because [[w:Krakatoa|Krakatoa]]'s not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. ''[mutters]'' You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it ''[mutters]'' you scabby old bat.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': ''[shouting]'' A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': ''[whispering]'' 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': ''[muttering]'' You heard that all right, didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. ''[goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
:''[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]''
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! ''[Polly comes out of the office]'' Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge.
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[shocked]'' In the lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[still shocked]'' Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? ''[Mrs Richards looks appalled]'' Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[banging the desk bell]'' Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses]'' Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[Leaving the room]'' I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': ''[to Mrs Richards]'' Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''': ''[angrily]'' ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something—this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a [[w:Waldorf salad|Waldorf salad]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[puzzled]'' A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Rosewood, mahogany, teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind.
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "[[w:Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'|Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin']]," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:''[After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.]''
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say? ...What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um"—oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie the Public Health Inspector''': Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines; dirty and greasy filters; greasy deep fat fryer; dirty, cracked, and stained preparation surfaces; dirty, cracked, and missing wall and floor tiles; dirty, marked, and stained utensils; dirty, greasy, and stained interior surfaces; storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays; storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products; refrigerator seals loose and cracked; icebox undefrosted and refrigerator over stocked; evidence of smoking in food preparation area; dirty and grubby food handling overalls; lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago; and two dead pigeons in the water tank.
:'''Basil''': ...Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': ''[Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat]'' Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray]''
:'''Basil''': ''[To Mr. Carnegie]'' W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:''[Awkward pause]''
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T18:10:27Z

Sketchmoose: /* The Anniversary */ formatting, punctuation

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''': Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[goes into the bathroom]'' There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly]'' I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly to Manuel]'' Deaf, mad, and blind. ''[Goes to the window]'' Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay, madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? ''[mutters]'' Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because [[w:Krakatoa|Krakatoa]]'s not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. ''[mutters]'' You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it ''[mutters]'' you scabby old bat.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': ''[shouting]'' A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': ''[whispering]'' 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': ''[muttering]'' You heard that all right, didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. ''[goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
:''[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]''
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! ''[Polly comes out of the office]'' Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge.
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[shocked]'' In the lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[still shocked]'' Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? ''[Mrs Richards looks appalled]'' Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[banging the desk bell]'' Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses]'' Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[Leaving the room]'' I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': ''[to Mrs Richards]'' Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''': ''[angrily]'' ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something—this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a [[w:Waldorf salad|Waldorf salad]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[puzzled]'' A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Rosewood, mahogany, teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind.
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "[[w:Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'|Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin']]," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:''[After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.]''
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say? ...What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um"—oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T18:09:11Z

Sketchmoose: /* The Kipper and the Corpse */ formatting, punctuation, link

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''': Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[goes into the bathroom]'' There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly]'' I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly to Manuel]'' Deaf, mad, and blind. ''[Goes to the window]'' Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay, madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? ''[mutters]'' Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because [[w:Krakatoa|Krakatoa]]'s not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. ''[mutters]'' You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it ''[mutters]'' you scabby old bat.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': ''[shouting]'' A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': ''[whispering]'' 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': ''[muttering]'' You heard that all right, didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. ''[goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
:''[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]''
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! ''[Polly comes out of the office]'' Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge.
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[shocked]'' In the lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[still shocked]'' Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? ''[Mrs Richards looks appalled]'' Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[banging the desk bell]'' Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses]'' Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[Leaving the room]'' I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': ''[to Mrs Richards]'' Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''': ''[angrily]'' ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something—this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a [[w:Waldorf salad|Waldorf salad]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[puzzled]'' A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Rosewood, mahogany, teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind.
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "[[w:Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'|Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin']]," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T18:06:37Z

Sketchmoose: /* Waldorf Salad */ formatting, link

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''': Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[goes into the bathroom]'' There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly]'' I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly to Manuel]'' Deaf, mad, and blind. ''[Goes to the window]'' Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay, madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? ''[mutters]'' Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because [[w:Krakatoa|Krakatoa]]'s not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. ''[mutters]'' You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it ''[mutters]'' you scabby old bat.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': ''[shouting]'' A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': ''[whispering]'' 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': ''[muttering]'' You heard that all right, didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. ''[goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
:''[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]''
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! ''[Polly comes out of the office]'' Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge.
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[shocked]'' In the lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[still shocked]'' Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? ''[Mrs Richards looks appalled]'' Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[banging the desk bell]'' Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses]'' Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[Leaving the room]'' I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': ''[to Mrs Richards]'' Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''': ''[angrily]'' ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something—this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a [[w:Waldorf salad|Waldorf salad]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[puzzled]'' A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': [Sarcastically] Rosewood, Mahogany, Teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T18:04:10Z

Sketchmoose: /* Communication Problems */ formatting, punctuation, link, rm irrelevant action description

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''': Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying seven pounds twenty pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': ''[goes into the bathroom]'' There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly]'' I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': ''[quietly to Manuel]'' Deaf, mad, and blind. ''[Goes to the window]'' Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay, madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? ''[mutters]'' Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because [[w:Krakatoa|Krakatoa]]'s not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. ''[mutters]'' You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it ''[mutters]'' you scabby old bat.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': ''[shouting]'' A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': ''[whispering]'' 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': ''[muttering]'' You heard that all right, didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mrs Richards comes down the stairs]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. ''[goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell]''
:'''Misses Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
:''[Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell]''
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! ''[Polly comes out of the office]'' Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge.
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[shocked]'' In the lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[still shocked]'' Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? ''[Mrs Richards looks appalled]'' Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[banging the desk bell]'' Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses]'' Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': ''[Leaving the room]'' I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': ''[to Mrs Richards]'' Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''' [''angrily'']: ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
:'''Basil''': [''puzzled''] A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf Salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': [Sarcastically] Rosewood, Mahogany, Teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T17:54:38Z

Sketchmoose: /* The Hotel Inspectors */ adding missing space

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''': Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': (confused) You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': [''goes into the bathroom''] There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': [''quietly''] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': [''quietly to Manuel''] Deaf, mad and blind. [''Goes to the window''] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [''mutters''] Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. [''mutters''] You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it [''mutters''] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': [''shouting''] A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': [''whispering''] 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': (muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
[''Mrs Richards comes down the stairs'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [''goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
[''Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell'']
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! [''Polly comes out of the office''] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''shocked''] In the Lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''still shocked''] Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? [''Mrs Richards looks appalled''] Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''banging the desk bell''] Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses''] Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''Leaving the room''] I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': [''to Mrs Richards''] Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''' [''angrily'']: ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
:'''Basil''': [''puzzled''] A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf Salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': [Sarcastically] Rosewood, Mahogany, Teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T17:52:55Z

Sketchmoose: /* The Wedding Party */ updated link

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Ricard (drink)|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''':Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': (confused) You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': [''goes into the bathroom''] There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': [''quietly''] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': [''quietly to Manuel''] Deaf, mad and blind. [''Goes to the window''] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [''mutters''] Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. [''mutters''] You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it [''mutters''] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': [''shouting''] A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': [''whispering''] 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': (muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
[''Mrs Richards comes down the stairs'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [''goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
[''Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell'']
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! [''Polly comes out of the office''] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''shocked''] In the Lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''still shocked''] Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? [''Mrs Richards looks appalled''] Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''banging the desk bell''] Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses''] Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''Leaving the room''] I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': [''to Mrs Richards''] Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''' [''angrily'']: ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
:'''Basil''': [''puzzled''] A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf Salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': [Sarcastically] Rosewood, Mahogany, Teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T17:52:14Z

Sketchmoose: /* The Wedding Party */ punctuation

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, ''How To Murder Your Wife''?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Pernod Ricard|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' Uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''':Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': (confused) You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': [''goes into the bathroom''] There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': [''quietly''] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': [''quietly to Manuel''] Deaf, mad and blind. [''Goes to the window''] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [''mutters''] Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. [''mutters''] You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it [''mutters''] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': [''shouting''] A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': [''whispering''] 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': (muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
[''Mrs Richards comes down the stairs'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [''goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
[''Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell'']
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! [''Polly comes out of the office''] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''shocked''] In the Lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''still shocked''] Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? [''Mrs Richards looks appalled''] Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''banging the desk bell''] Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses''] Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''Leaving the room''] I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': [''to Mrs Richards''] Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''' [''angrily'']: ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
:'''Basil''': [''puzzled''] A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf Salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': [Sarcastically] Rosewood, Mahogany, Teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T17:49:27Z

Sketchmoose: /* The Builders */ formatting, punctuation

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[down the phone to O'Reilly]'' ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': ''[Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome]'' Where are you going, Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly, dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[pretending to talk to someone down the phone]'' Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': ¿Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''[looks at him incredulously]'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well... well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''[begins strangling the gnome]''
:'''Polly''': ''[bangs phone on counter]'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Pernod Ricard|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''':Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': (confused) You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': [''goes into the bathroom''] There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': [''quietly''] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': [''quietly to Manuel''] Deaf, mad and blind. [''Goes to the window''] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [''mutters''] Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. [''mutters''] You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it [''mutters''] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': [''shouting''] A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': [''whispering''] 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': (muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
[''Mrs Richards comes down the stairs'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [''goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
[''Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell'']
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! [''Polly comes out of the office''] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''shocked''] In the Lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''still shocked''] Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? [''Mrs Richards looks appalled''] Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''banging the desk bell''] Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses''] Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''Leaving the room''] I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': [''to Mrs Richards''] Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''' [''angrily'']: ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
:'''Basil''': [''puzzled''] A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf Salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': [Sarcastically] Rosewood, Mahogany, Teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

Fawlty Towers

2016-06-15T17:46:23Z

Sketchmoose: /* A Touch of Class */ formatting

'''''[[w:Fawlty Towers|Fawlty Towers]]''''' (1975–1979) was a [[w:BBC|BBC]] television [[w:sitcom|sitcom]] about hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance that form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away.
:''Written by [[w:John Cleese|John Cleese]] and [[w:Connie Booth|Connie Booth]].''

== Series 1 ==
=== ''A Touch of Class'' ===
:''[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Sybil Fawlty|Sybil]]''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''[[w:Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)|Basil]]''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Sybil''': Don't forget the menu.
:'''Basil''': I thought you said you want— Right! I'll do the menu!
:''[He puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]''
:'''Sybil''': You could have had them ''both'' done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
:'''Basil''': Racket? That's ''Brahms''! Brahms' ''Third Racket!''
:''[pause]''
:'''Basil''': ''[mutters]'' All morning? I've only had two bars!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. ''[to Melbury]'' Could you fill it in, please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? ''[to Melbury]'' There. There. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. ''[to Melbury]'' ''Both'' names, please. ''[to O'Reilly]'' Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.
:'''Melbury''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': Could you put both your names please? ''[to O'Reilly]'' Well, can you give me a date?
:'''Melbury''': I only use one.
:'''Basil''': You don't have a first name?
:'''Melbury''': No. I am ''Lord'' Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."
:'''Basil''': ''[Now realising that Melbury is of high class]'' ''[to O'Reilly]'' Go away. ''[hangs up]'' So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. ''[She does so]'' Sybil, I ''forbid'' you to take that case out! ''[She does so]'' Sybil, you ''cannot'' open that case! I FORBID it! ''[She does so]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Hello, Lord Melbury. BASTARD!!!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris]'' Where are you going?
:'''Sir Richard''': We're leaving!!
:'''Basil''': Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.
:'''Sir Richard''': I've ''never'' been in such a place in my life! ''[They drive away]''
:'''Basil''': ''[yells]'' You snobs! You stupid, stuck up, toffee-nosed, half-witted, upper class piles of... ''pus!''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Waering''': ''[furious]'' A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, ''please!''
:'''Basil''': ''[smashing the picture, vexed]'' Right!
:''[He frog marches Mr. Waering to his table to be served.]''

=== ''[[w:The Builders (Fawlty Towers)|The Builders]]'' ===
:'''Sybil''': O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': (down the phone to O'Reilly) ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': (Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome) Where are you going Basil?
:'''Basil''': Just going to see O'Reilly dear. Then I might go to Canada.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': (pretending to talk to someone down the phone) Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Delivery man''': Where's the boss?
:'''Manuel''': Que?
:'''Delivery man''': The, the... [[w:Francisco Franco|the generalissimo]]!
:'''Manuel''': ''(looks at him incredulously)'' In Madrid!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Tibbs''': Don't do anything we wouldn't do.
:'''Basil''': Just a little breathing, surely?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Are you going to take something like that seriously?!
:'''O'Reilly''': Well...well, I thought I might...
:'''Basil''': YOU THOUGHT YOU ''MIGHT?!?!!'' What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!
:'''O'Reilly''': She just ''did''!!
:'''Basil''': No, no, no, she only ''thinks'' she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take ''that'' door out and put the other one back, we're going to add ''that'' new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]''
:'''Basil''': What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??
:'''Polly''': Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly!
:'''Basil''': That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid... ''(begins strangling the gnome)''
:'''Polly''': ''(bangs phone on counter)'' CALL O'REILLY!
:'''Basil''': WHAT!?!
:'''Polly''': Shall I call him?
:'''Basil''': No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

=== ''The Wedding Party'' ===
:'''Basil''': Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''[[w:Major Gowen|Major Gowen]]''': "How To Murder Your Wife"?
:'''Basil''': Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

<hr width="50%">

:'''Basil''': Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.
:'''Major Gowen''': The heat?
:'''Basil''': No, no. My wife's laugh.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': ''[about Sybil's laughter]'' Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': ''[shocked]'' Oh dear!
:'''Basil''': No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Do you have any [[w:Pernod Ricard|Ricard]]?
:'''Basil''': ''[confused]'' I'm sorry?
:'''Mrs. Peignoir''': Any Ricard?
:'''Basil''': ''[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar]'' uh, we're just out of it, I think...

=== ''The Hotel Inspectors'' ===

:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!
:'''Manuel''':Is nice!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!
:'''Basil''': Here, give it to me.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!
:'''Basil''': There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Sybil''': Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.
:'''Basil''': Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the ''cretins'' we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.
:'''Sybil''': Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Spoons, eh?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Sorry?
:'''Basil''': SP-[[w:Blowing a raspberry|THTHTHTHTH]]-OONS!
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': I understand you're in the spoon trade.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Oh, ''yes.'' Yes.
:'''Basil''': Fascinating. How very ''absorbing'' for you.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Well...
:'''Basil''': So much more interesting than being a ''HOTEL INSPECTOR!!''
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Y'What...?

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.
:'''Basil''': I'm sorry, are you talking to me?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?
:'''Basil''': Why don't you talk properly?
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': No it isn't.
:'''Mr. Hutchinson''': What?
:'''Basil''': It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending thereof, thank you so much.

=== ''Gourmet Night'' ===
:'''Basil''': He's drunk!
:'''Sybil''': Drunk?
:'''Basil''': ''Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!''
:'''Sybil''': I don't believe it!
:'''Basil''': Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. ''[pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.]'' Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': ''[yelling at his car]'' Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! ''[leaving the car, he starts yelling at it]'' I've had enough! You've tried it on just ''once too often''! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you ''time and time again''! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a ''damn good thrashing''! ''[he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]''

=== ''The Germans'' ===
:'''Basil''': ''[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him]'' Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': What is it?
:'''Basil''': The point is, can I put it this way… Fire.
:'''Miss Gatsby''': ''Fire?''
:'''Basil''': Fire.
:'''Major Gowen''': Fire?
:'''Basil''': Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire! Fire! FIRE!
:''[All the guests leave the hotel]''

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. ''[returns to the Germans]'' So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Is there something wrong?
:'''Elder Herr''': Will you stop talking about the war?
:'''Basil''': ''Me''! You started it!
:'''Elder Herr''': We did ''not'' start it!
:'''Basil''': Yes you did — you invaded Poland.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]''
:'''Basil''': Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!
:'''Sister''': Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?
:'''Basil''': Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!
:''[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]
:'''Sybil''': Basil?!
:'''Sister''': I-I'll get the Doctor.
:'''Basil''': You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

<hr width=50%>
:'''Sister''': Mr. Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.
:'''Basil''': Well, I'll live longer than you.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Manuel''': ''[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight]'' How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

==Series 2==
=== ''Communication Problems'' ===
:'''Mrs. Richards''': What is going on here? I ask him for my room, and he tells me the manager's a "Mr Watt," aged forty.
:'''[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]''': No, no. ''Fawlty.''
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Faulty? What's wrong with him?
:'''Polly''': It's all right, Mrs. Richards. He's from Barcelona.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': The manager's from Barcelona?
:'''Manuel''': No, no. He's from, er, Swanage.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Now listen to me. I booked a room with a bath. When I book a room with a bath I expect to get a bath.
:'''Basil''': (confused) You've got a bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'm not paying Seven Pounds Twenty Pence per night plus VAT for a room without a bath.
:'''Basil''': [''goes into the bathroom''] There is your bath.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful...
:'''Basil''': [''quietly''] I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
:'''Mrs. Richards''': And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
:'''Basil''': [''quietly to Manuel''] Deaf, mad and blind. [''Goes to the window''] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
:'''Basil''': That is Torquay madam.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Well it's not good enough.
:'''Basil''': Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
:'''Mrs. Richards''': Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
:'''Basil''': You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
:'''Mrs. Richards''': I'd need a telescope to see that.
:'''Basil''': Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [''mutters''] Or preferably in it.
:'''Mrs Richards''': Now listen to me. I am not satisfied. However, I have decided to stay. But I shall expect a reduction.
:'''Basil''': Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible and the radio doesn't work.
:'''Basil''': No, the radio works. [''mutters''] You don't.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': I'll see if I can fix it [''mutters''] you scabby old bat. (walks over to the radio and turns it up loud, then turns it off)

<hr width="50%">
:'''Basil''': Madam, may I ask do you have a hearing aid?
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Basil''': [''shouting''] A hearing aid!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Yes I do have a hearing aid!
:'''Basil''': Would you like me to get it mended?
:'''Mrs Richards''': Mended? It's working perfectly fine.
:'''Basil''': No it isn't!
:'''Mrs Richards''': I haven't got it turned on at the moment.
:'''Basil''': Why not?
:'''Mrs Richards''': The battery runs down. Now what sort of reduction are you prepared to give me on this room?
:'''Basil''': [''whispering''] 60% if you turn it on.
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?!
:'''Basil''': My wife handles all such matters, she'll be delighted to discuss it with you.
:'''Mrs Richards''': I shall speak to her after lunch.
:'''Basil''': (muttering) you heard that all right didn't you...

<hr width="50%"/>
[''Mrs Richards comes down the stairs'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Good afternoon.
:'''Mrs Richards''': First they give me a room without a bath, then there's no lavatory paper. [''goes to the reception desk and starts banging the bell'']
:'''Miss Tibbs and Gatsby''': Oohh
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Would you like some of ours?
:'''Miss Tibbs''': We keep an extra supply
:'''Miss Gatsby''': Yes, would you like some of ours?
[''Mrs Richards ignores them and continues to bang the desk bell'']
:'''Mrs Richards''': Hello! [''Polly comes out of the office''] Girl. There's no paper in my room. Why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for, isn't it?
:'''Polly''': Well we don't put it in the rooms
:'''Mrs Richards''': What?
:'''Polly''': We keep it in the lounge
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''shocked''] In the Lounge?!
:'''Polly''': I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones, or ones with our address on it?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''still shocked''] Address on it?!
:'''Polly''': How many sheets? [''Mrs Richards looks appalled''] Well how many are you going to use?
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''banging the desk bell''] Manager!
:'''Polly''': Just enough for one? Tell me!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Manager! Manager!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''To Polly, after looking everywhere for her glasses''] Are you blind? They were on my head! Didn't you see them?
:'''Polly''': Yes!
:'''Mrs Richards''': Didn't God give you eyes?
:'''Polly''': Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out!

<hr width="50%">
:'''Mrs Richards''': [''Leaving the room''] I can get down stairs by myself.
:'''Basil''': "Down" the stairs? Oh well, don't stop when you get to the basement! Keep straight on! Give my regards to the Earth's core!
:'''Sybil''': [''to Mrs Richards''] Are you sure you can manage?
:'''Basil''': If you give us any more trouble I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress!

=== ''The Psychiatrist'' ===
:'''Basil''': He gets paid for sticking his nose—
:'''Sybil''': Oh, Basil—
:'''Basil''': No, I'm going to have my say! Into people's private... um... details. Well, just speaking for myself, I don't want a total stranger nosing about in my private parts— details!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': You're only single once.
:'''Basil''': Twice can be arranged!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Psychiatrist''': There's enough material there for an entire conference.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Terry''': Mr. Fawlty, take it easy.
:'''Basil''': Now listen here. I don't pay you to tell me to take it easy. I pay you to take it easy, I mean I pay you to tell you to take it easy.

=== ''Waldorf Salad''===
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
:'''Major Gowen''' [''angrily'']: ''No''! No, I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Could you make me a Waldorf Salad?
:'''Basil''': [''puzzled''] A wal....
:'''Mr. Hamilton''': Waldorf Salad.
:'''Basil''': I think we're just out of Waldorfs.

=== ''The Kipper and the Corpse'' ===
:'''Basil''': [Sarcastically] Rosewood, Mahogany, Teak?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I beg your pardon?
:'''Basil''': What would you like your breakfast tray made out of?
:'''Mr. Leeman''': I don't really mind
:'''Basil''': Are you sure? Fine! Well, you go and and have a really good night's sleep then, I'm hoping to get a couple hours later on myself but I'll be up in good time to serve you your breakfast in bed. IF YOU CAN REMEMBER TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WAKE UP, I'LL JUST DROP IN SMALL PIECES OF LIGHTLY BUTTERED KIPPER WHEN YOU'RE BREATHING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION IF THAT DOESN'T PUT YOU OUT!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Dr Price''': You mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
:'''Basil''': Well, people don't talk that much in the morning. Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right. If the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think "Oh, there's another snuffed it in the night. Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance." I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma railway!

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Basil''': Don't tell anyone, but he's dead.
:'''Major Gowen''': Oh. Shot, was he?
:'''Basil''': No, No. Died in his sleep.
:'''Major Gowen''': In his sleep. Well, you're off your guard, you see.

<hr wight="50%"/>
:'''Basil''': I mean, it does say 'hotel' outside. Maybe I should be more precise, 'Hotel for people who have more than 50% chance of making it through the night'!

=== ''The Anniversary'' ===
:[''After Sybil disappears, Basil is shocked when guests arrive.'']
:'''Basil''': They're here! They're here! What do I say?... What am I going to say?
:'''[[w:Polly Sherman|Polly]]''': Oh... say she's... er... um...
:'''Basil''': She's "er, um" Oh, brilliant! Problem solved. She's "er, um."
:'''Manuel''': It is surprise party.
:'''Basil''': Yes?
:'''Manuel''': She no here.
:'''Basil''': Right?
:'''Manuel''': That is surprise!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Virginia''': There is something very peculiar about all this. I won't stand here while an old friend like Sybil—
:'''Basil''': Look, it's perfectly Sybil. Simple's not well. She lost her throat and her voice hurt. The doctor came and said it was a bit serious. Not a lot; a bit. He went away, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon, and it's best for her to be on her own. Now what is so peculiar about that?
:'''Roger''': Her driving round in the town.

=== ''Basil the Rat'' ===
:'''Terry''': Look: all kitchens are filthy, Mr. Fawlty. In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is. Have you ever read [[George Orwell]]'s experiences at Maxim's in Paris?
:'''Basil''': No. Do you have a copy? I'll read it out in court!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Manuel''': I say to man in shop "Is rat." He say "No, no, no. Is a special kind of hamster. Is filigree Siberian hamster." Only one in shop. He make special price: only five pound.
:'''Basil''': Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel? It was very popular here at one time. A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Carnegie''': [''Public Health Inspector'']... Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly, I shall have no alternative than to prosecute or recommend closure to the appropriate committee of the council. Specifically: Lack of proper cleaning routines, Dirty and greasy filters, Greasy deep fat fryer, Dirty cracked and stained preparation surfaces, Dirty cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, Dirty marked and stained utensils, Dirty greasy and stained interior surfaces ........ storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, Storage of raw meat above confectioneries with consequent dripping of meat juices on to cream products, Refrigerator seals loose and cracked, Icebox undefrosted, and refrigerator over stocked .... Evidence of smoking in food preparation area, Dirty and grubby food handling overalls, Lack of wash hand basin in which you gave us a verbal assurance you'd have it installed at our last visit six months ago, and two dead pigeons in the water tank.

:'''Basil''': Otherwise, ok?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sybil''': [''Figuring what to do with Manuel's rat''] Perhaps we could find a home for him.
:'''Basil''': Alright, I'll put an ad in the papers, "Wanted: kind home for enormous savage rodent! Answers to the name of Sybil."

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The rat's head pokes out of the biscuit tray'']
:'''Basil''': [''To Mr. Carnegie''] W-W-Would you care for a rat, or...?
:[''Awkward pause'']
:'''Basil''': Just the biscuits then, please, Polly.

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
* [http://www.40towers.co.uk Fawlty Towers - Fan Site]
* [http://www.fawltytowersonline.com Fawlty Towers - Online]
* {{imdb title|id=0072500|title=Fawlty Towers}}
* {{TV.com|name=fawlty-towers|id=3453|title=Fawlty Towers}}

[[Category:BBC shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:UK TV shows]]

The Americans (2013 TV series)

2016-05-18T21:38:12Z

Sketchmoose: punctuation

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:The_Americans_(TV_series)|The Americans]]''''' is an American television period drama series created and produced by former CIA officer Joe Weisberg. The series premiered in the United States on January 30, 2013, on the cable network FX, and concluded its third season on April 22, 2015.

Set in the early 1980s during the Cold War, The Americans is the story of Elizabeth ([[w:Keri Russell|Keri Russell]]) and Philip Jennings ([[w:Matthew Rhys|Matthew Rhys]]), two Soviet KGB officers posing as an American married couple living in the northern Virginia suburbs of Washington, D.C. with their unsuspecting children ([[w:Holly Taylor|Holly Taylor]] and Keidrich Sellati) and their neighbor, Stan Beeman ([[w:Noah Emmerich|Noah Emmerich]]), an FBI agent working in counterintelligence.

== Season 1 ==

=== ''Pilot'' [1.01] ===

:'''Philip Jennings''': Maybe this is the perfect time for us just to think about living the life we've been living but just really living it. Just being us.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Chris Amador''': So, were you, like, burning crosses and shit with those guys? Or like, "Heil Hitler"?
:'''Stan Beeman''': It was a little deeper than that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Viktor Zhukov''': The American people have elected a madman as their president. He is expanding their military forces on a massive scale. He is against nuclear arms-control agreements. He makes no secret of his desire to destroy us. Our war is not so cold anymore, Elizabeth. What happens behind enemy lines will determine the outcome of this struggle.

=== ''The Clock'' [1.02] ===

:'''Chris Amador''': They can cut your balls off, stuff them in your mouth, tie you to a radiator in a basement, and then call it a lateral move.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Philip Jennings''': People who believe in God always make the worst targets.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': Viola, listen to me. You still have one more chance to save his life.
:'''Viola Johnson''': I don't believe anything you say.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': You see your son. He is dying in front of you. You know that's the truth. He'll make it another 24 hours. If you didn't tell anyone, and I don't think that you did, you can still put that clock back tomorrow, and this will all end.
:'''Viola Johnson''': I know the devil.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Viola Johnson''': I listen to my lord. He protects me. He guides me.
:'''Philip Jennings''': There's been a misunderstanding between you and your lord.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': They shouldn't ask us to do impossible things.

=== ''Gregory'' [1.03] ===

:'''Philip Jennings''': You know, where I come from, you leave, you lose.
:'''Stan Beeman''': If that's how you want to win.
:'''Philip Jennings''': I'll win any way I can.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gregory Thomas''': You know, we met at the SCLC meeting. We was putting together a group to march with Dr. King in Chicago. We just clicked. It wasn't about race or Vietnam. It was about equality. When she told me who she really was, it was like I already knew. She was recruiting me for the KGB, America's number-one enemy. And I was right there with her. Me and her against the world. We were willing to sacrifice our lives, our families. You know, whatever it took.
:'''Philip Jennings''': You don't have a family, do you, Gregory?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frank Gaad''': She just walked away, tight out from under surveillance. How big was the team?
:'''Stan Beeman''': Six men.
:'''Frank Gaad''': And she just disappeared into thin air? Is she Doug Henning?
:'''Stan Beeman''': We debriefed the surveillance guys. They said it happened at a choke point, like she knew.
:'''Frank Gaad''': Goddamn it!
:'''Stan Beeman''': She slipped away from a full FBI surveillance detail. Sounds like a Directorate "S" Operative to me.
:'''Frank Gaad''': I got to call upstairs.
:'''Chris Amador''': Look, we all thought continuing surveillance was the best move. We all agree on that.
:'''Frank Gaad''': You worried about me, Amador? You think I'm out on a limb and someone's gonna saw it off?
:'''Chris Amador''': No, sir.
:'''Frank Gaad''': That's sweet. Really, I'm touched. But if this woman thinks that slipping one surveillance team gets her home to Mother Russia, she's as soft as you are.
:'''Stan Beeman''': We have her name and her face.
:'''Frank Gaad''': And we have the resources of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. She has to be quiet to stay safe. We can make noise.

=== ''In Control'' [1.04] ===

=== ''COMINT'' [1.05] ===

:'''Claudia''': I ran an agent in West Germany. He was a loner—one of these oddballs who never really learned to make a friend. So, I became his friend. Many years later, I was leaving and we didn't really need him anymore. I explained it all to him. And he thanked me for the chance to work together. He killed himself shortly thereafter. We didn't need him anymore, but he needed us.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Frank Gaad''': Beeman, Amador, what would you make of it if I said to you, "I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a diving board over a pool with no water in it"?
:'''Stan Beeman''': You need a vacation?

=== ''Trust Me'' [1.06] ===

:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': ''[to Claudia as she beats her]'' I'm gonna kill you, you stupid bitch! Tell whoever approved this that your face is a present from me to them! Show them your face! Show it to them!

=== ''Duty and Honor'' [1.07] ===

:'''Philip Jennings''': The boy—is he real?
:'''Irina''': Only duty and honor are real, Mischa. Isn't that what we were told?

=== ''Mutually Assured Destruction'' [1.08] ===

:'''Claudia''': Elizabeth. I know there's bad blood between us. But believe it or not, I feel a camaraderie with you.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': A camaraderie?
:'''Claudia''': Yes.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': You have a funny way of showing that.
:'''Claudia''': This isn't an easy life we've chosen. But there's no way to get through it without the truth.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': What "truth" exactly are we talking about?
:'''Claudia''': In New York, Philip was with the woman we assigned him to.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': I can think of five different reasons you'd poison our life.
:'''Claudia''': Ask Philip, then.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': I did.
:'''Claudia''': You believe him? If you start to think of your marriage as real, it doesn't work. The men don't think of them that way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Prostitute''': So, what's your thing?
:'''Assassin''': My thing?
:'''Prostitute''': Oral? Anal? Ecclesiastical?
:'''Assassin''': Oh. I am ''much'' kinkier than that.

=== ''Safe House'' [1.09] ===

:'''Martha Hanson''': Clark, I'm in love with you. I waited my whole life for you, and I would do anything for you. Anything. All you have to do is ask. Just please, just tell me one thing? Is this real?
:'''Philip Jennings''': Yes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Stan Beeman''': A counterintelligence artiste?
:'''Chris Amador''': Yeah, I'm like Picasso, only with a gun and not a brush. My work is my life, and my life is my art. I have no wife, no kids, no pets, no hobbies, no distractions—except for pussy. I got no attachments. I'm as unencumbered as bedbugs in a flophouse, and I like it. It works for me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Chris Amador''': You're gonna lose this war. You know that, right? You can torture me and you can kill me but we're gonna kick your motherland's marbled ass, and there's nothing you can do about it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Stan Beeman''': When you shoot a bird—duck or pheasant, say—your dog, your retriever, picks it up in its mouth—its soft mouth. Soft mouth is key. Otherwise, the dog sinks his teeth into the bird's flesh. Anyway your dog brings it to you and lays it at your feet. But sometimes, when you shoot the bird, it's not dead. It's just wounded. Strange thing is, whether the bird is dead or just wounded, once the dog gets it in its mouth, the bird goes limp. Like a rag—doesn't move. It acts like it's dead. Doesn't struggle or scream. It just goes limp. Don't you think that's strange? You know what I think it is? Fear. The bird's scared out of its goddamn mind. Who wouldn't be? I know I would. Then again, maybe the bird is faking. You know what I'm saying? Maybe it wants you—talking about the bird now—to think it's dead so when the dog drops it out of its soft mouth at its master's feet, it can take off. It works sometimes. You wouldn't think it does, but it does. Not a lot. Once in a blue moon.
:'''Vlad Kosygin''': Please, I swear I'm not KGB. I don't know anything. Please, I swear.
:'''Stan Beeman''': You're scared. I know. I would be, too, because I've got you in my soft mouth, and you're not dead—not yet. Maybe you think you can run when I drop you at my master's feet. Maybe you can. Maybe you will. But the thing is, you have my partner. If you don't tell me where he is, you will never get dropped at my master's feet. My bite will go hard, and you will know you are dead before your heart stops beating.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Stan Beeman''': Vietnam turned you into a skirt chaser?
:'''Chris Amador''': I was straight as an arrow when I signed up. I was an altar boy till I was 17.
:'''Stan Beeman''': Really?
:'''Chris Amador''': Yeah. Then 'Nam changed things. You know, there was crazy shit over there. You never knew when your number was gonna be called. I learned two things. One, ''tempus fugit''—"time flies". One way or the other, you snatch it, or it's gonna snatch you. There's no pause button. And, two, there are worse things than dying.
:'''Stan Beeman''': Like?
:'''Chris Amador''': Shame. Shame's not an option for me.

=== ''Only You'' [1.10] ===
=== ''Covert War'' [1.11] ===
=== ''The Oath'' [1.12] ===
=== ''The Colonel'' [1.13] ===

:'''Claudia''': I had to fill out an "officer in the field" special-request assessment form. It has 27 sections.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': Well, I guess your job can be dangerous, too.
:'''Claudia''': My point was, you've been in the field too long. You've lost touch with both your basic obligations and the central rules and regulations that make this organization function. It's happened before with officers in your position, and it can be remedied.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': I'm sure they'll send someone else to remedy it.
:'''Claudia''': Don't be sure. I've been serving faithfully much longer than you, my dear. I told them they're in danger of losing you. And whether you see it or not, I'm right.
:'''Elizabeth Jennings''': I'm surprised they gave you this job, when you have no understanding of people at all.
:'''Claudia''': I know you better than you know yourself. And you don't know me at all.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Claudia''': ''[to Patterson]'' You won't be able to move for 20 minutes... which is 10 minutes longer than you have left. Viktor Zhukov was my friend. We met in Stalingrad in 1942. He was ragged, skin and bones, same as we all were. First time I saw him, He was standing over two dead Nazis. I was surprised, after the war, that he'd survived. We found ourselves working together in what was then called the NKGB.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Arkady Zotov''': Besides, if you're wrong, we'd be giving up the greatest intelligence success since we got the atom bomb.
:'''Claudia''': That's what we always say. Right before our people die for nothing. The next thing we always say is "it was so obvious."

== Cast ==
*[[w:Keri Russell|Keri Russell]] - Elizabeth Jennings
*[[w:Matthew Rhys|Matthew Rhys]] - Philip Jennings
*[[w:Holly Taylor|Holly Taylor]] - Paige Jennings
*[[w:Keidrich Sellati|Keidrich Sellati]] - Henry Jennings
*[[w:Noah Emmerich|Noah Emmerich]] - Stan Beeman
*[[w:Maximiliano Hernández|Maximiliano Hernández]] - Chris Amador
*[[w:Susan Misner|Susan Misner]] - Sandra Beeman
*[[w:Annet Mahendru|Annet Mahendru]] - Nina Sergeevna Krilova
*[[w:Richard Thomas|Richard Thomas]] - Frank Gaad

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Category:Crime TV shows]]
[[Category:Current shows]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]

Roger Ebert

2016-04-30T13:09:13Z

Sketchmoose: /* Three-and-a-half star reviews */ updating link

[[File:Roger Ebert cropped.jpg|thumb|right|Of what use is [[freedom of speech]] to those who [[fear]] to offend?]]
[[File:Russ_Meyer_and_Roger_Ebert_by_Roger_Ebert.jpg|thumb|right|[[w:Russ Meyer|Meyer]] is an auteur whose every frame reflects his own obsessions. Like all serious [[artists]], he doesn't allow any [[space]] between his [[work]] and his [[dream]].]]
'''[[w:Roger Ebert|Roger Joseph Ebert]]''' ([[18 June]] [[1942]] – [[4 April]] [[2013]]) was an [[USA|American]] film critic and screenwriter. He was the first film critic to win a [[w:Pulitzer Prize for Criticism|Pulitzer Prize for Criticism]].

== Quotes ==
[[File:Roger Ebert crop (retouched).jpg|thumb|[[Art]] is the closest we can come to [[understanding]] how a [[stranger]] really [[feels]].]]
[[File:Casablanca, Trailer Screenshot.JPG|thumb|Snobs exclude; they do not include. To exclude b&w from your [[choices]] is an admission that you have a closed [[mind]], a limited [[imagination]], or are lacking in [[taste]].]]
[[File:BusterKeatonKBF1956.jpg|thumb|[[Buster Keaton|Buster]] survives [[tornados]], waterfalls, avalanches of boulders, and falls from great heights, and never pauses to take a bow: He has his [[eye]] on his [[goal]]. And his movies, seen as a group, are like a sustained act of [[optimism]] in the face of [[adversity]].]]
[[File:The General, front.jpg|thumb|No silent star did more [[dangerous]] stunts than [[Buster Keaton]]. Instead of using doubles, he himself doubled for his actors, doing their stunts as well as his own.]]
[[File:Chaz Hammel-Smith, Roger Ebert, and Nancy Kwan at the Hawaii International Film Festival in October 2010.jpg|thumb|right|It is [[human nature]] to look away from illness. We don't enjoy a reminder of our own fragile mortality. That's why writing on the Internet has become a life-saver for me. My [[ability]] to [[think]] and [[write]] have not been affected. And on the Web, my [[real]] [[voice]] finds expression.]]

* One of the remarkable things about [[w:Russ Meyer|Russ Meyer]]'s films is that they continue to live and play, long after the other work of the soft-core era has been forgotten. That is partly because of their craftsmanship, partly because of Meyer's leading ladies, and partly because of a spirit of paramilitary commitment that can be sensed as the cast and crew struggle through rugged terrain to enact their rural melodramas. But the central reason, I believe, is that Meyer is an auteur whose every frame reflects his own obsessions. Like all serious artists, he doesn't allow any space between his work and his dream.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/interviews/russ-meyer-busts-sleazy-stereotype "Russ Meyer busts sleazy stereotype" ''Chicago Sun-Times'' (15 November 1985)]

* '''Of what use is freedom of speech to those who fear to offend?'''
** ''Roger Ebert's Movie Home Companion'' (1990 Edition), p. 735

* [[Art]] is the closest we can come to [[understanding]] how a [[stranger]] really [[feels]].
**[http://video.cpt12.org/video/2364991008 "Living Testament" speech] at 11th Hour, Colorado Public Television (1994)

* Well, what is a political film? A film about politicians? Or a film about issues — sexism, racism, the environment, nuclear policy? I decided on the broader definition. If I'd limited myself to films about politicians, it would have been a short list: How many characters in any mainstream American movie seem aware of the political process, or belong to a party?
** Ranking "the 20 best political films of the past two decades" in [http://www.motherjones.com/arts/film/1996/05/ebert.html "The Big Picture: Roger Ebert" in ''MotherJones'' (May/June 1996)]

* Doing research on the Web is like using a library assembled piecemeal by pack rats and vandalized nightly.
** "Critical Eye" column, ''[[w:Yahoo! Internet Life|Yahoo! Internet Life]]'' (September 1998), p. 66

* I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than ''The Brown Bunny.''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/festivals-and-awards/gallo-goes-on-the-offensive-after-bunny-flop Review] of an early version of ''[[w:The Brown Bunny|The Brown Bunny]]'', when it was shown at the 2003 [[w:Cannes Film Festival|Cannes Film Festival]] (4 June 2003)
*** After director [[w:Vincent Gallo|Vincent Gallo]] responded to the above criticism by mocking Ebert's obesity, Ebert responded: "It is true that I am fat, but one day I will be thin, and he will still be the director of ''The Brown Bunny.''" [http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20030604/FILMFESTIVALS01/66010303] (4 June 2003)

* '''[[w:Film Theory|Film theory]] has nothing to do with film.''' Students presumably hope to find out something about film, and all they will find out is an occult and arcane language designed only for the purpose of excluding those who have not mastered it and giving academic rewards to those who have. No one with any literacy, taste or intelligence would want to teach these courses, so the bona fide definition of people teaching them are people who are incapable of teaching anything else.
** As quoted by [[w:David Weddle|David Weddle]] in "[http://articles.latimes.com/print/2003/jul/13/magazine/tm-filmschool28 Lights, Camera, Action. Marxism, Semiotics, Narratology: Film School Isn't What It Used to Be, One Father Discovers]." ''Los Angeles Times'' (13 July 2003)

* '''Many moviegoers and video viewers say they do not "like" black and white films. In my opinion, they are cutting themselves off from much of the mystery and beauty of the movies. Black and white is an artistic choice, a medium that has strengths and traditions, especially in its use of light and shadow.''' Moviegoers of course have the right to dislike b&w, but it is not something they should be proud of. It reveals them, frankly, as cinematically illiterate. '''I have been described as a snob on this issue. But snobs exclude; they do not include. To exclude b&w from your choices is an admission that you have a closed mind, a limited imagination, or are lacking in taste.'''
** First published in the [http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20040725/ANSWERMAN/407250305 "Movie Answer Man" column (25 July 2004)]

* '''It's said that [[Charlie Chaplin|Chaplin]] wanted you to like him, but [[Buster Keaton|Keaton]] didn't care. I think he cared, but was too proud to ask.''' His films avoid the pathos and sentiment of the Chaplin pictures, and usually feature a jaunty young man who sees an objective and goes for it in the face of the most daunting obstacles. '''Buster survives tornados, waterfalls, avalanches of boulders, and falls from great heights, and never pauses to take a bow: He has his eye on his goal. And his movies, seen as a group, are like a sustained act of optimism in the face of adversity'''; surprising, how without asking, he earns our admiration and tenderness. Because he was funny, because he wore a porkpie had, Keaton's physical skills are often undervalued … no silent star did more dangerous stunts than [[Buster Keaton]]. '''Instead of using doubles, he himself doubled for his actors, doing their stunts as well as his own.'''
** ''The Great Movies II'' (2005), p. 94

* '''A depressing number of people seem to process everything literally. They are to wit as a blind man is to a forest, able to find every tree, but each one coming as a surprise.'''
** First published in the [http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050918/ANSWERMAN/509180304/1023 "Movie Answer Man" column (18 September 2005)]

* I didn't have a stop watch, but it seemed to me the elephantine action scenes were pretty much spaced out evenly through the movie. There was no starting out slow and building up to a big climax. The movie is pretty much all climax. The Autobots® and Decepticons® must not have read the warning label on their Viagra. '''At last we see what a four-hour erection looks like.'''
** ''The Fall of the Revengers'', discussing the film ''[[Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]]'' [http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/06/the_fall_of_the_revengers.html "Roger Ebert's Journal"] (24 June 2009)

* '''I believe empathy is the most essential quality of civilization.'''
** First published in the [http://www.rogerebert.com/rogers-journal/cannes-7-a-campaign-for-real-movies "Roger Ebert's Journal" column (19 May 2010)]

* I wear a pedometer, a little device that counts every step. It works as a goad, because you walk additional distances to pile up the numbers. The average person walks 2,000 to 3,000 steps a day. I walk 10,000 steps a day. I have lost a lot of weight as a result.
** [http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/13/magazine/13DOMAINS.html?ex=1266987600&en=ee5831db9aa9dafb&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt "A Film Critic's Windy City Home' in ''The New York Times'' (13 February 2005)]

* The [[w:Roger Ebert's Overlooked Film Festival|Golden Thumb]] is not as good as the Oscar, but it is a lot of fun.
** "A Film Critic's Windy City Home' in ''The New York Times'' (13 February 2005)

* I lost faith in the Oscars the first year I was a movie critic — the year that ''[[Bonnie and Clyde]]'' didn't win.
** ''[http://www.playboy.com/magazine/20q_archive/siskel-and-ebert.html Playboy 20q]''

* For 40 years, I didn't miss a single deadline, but since July, I have missed every one. I also, to my intense disappointment, missed the Telluride and Toronto film festivals. Having just written my first review since June (''[[w:The Queen (film)|The Queen]]''), I think an update is in order.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/interviews/roger-writes-to-readers "Roger writes to readers" ''Chicago Sun Times'' (11 October 2006)]

* I have discovered a goodness and decency in people as exhibited in all the letters, e-mails, flowers, gifts and prayers that have been directed my way. I am overwhelmed and humbled. I offer you my most sincere thanks and my deep and abiding gratitude. If I ever write my memoirs, I have some spellbinding material. How does the Joni Mitchell song go? "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got till it's gone"? One thing I've discovered is that I love my job more than I thought I did, and I love my wife even more!
** "Roger writes to readers" ''Chicago Sun Times'' (11 October 2006)

* I was instructed long ago by a wise editor, "If you understand something you can explain it so that almost anyone can understand it. If you don't, you won't be able to understand your own explanation." That is why 90% of academic [[w:film theory|film theory]] is bullshit. '''Jargon is the last refuge of the scoundrel.'''
** "[http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2008/11/o_synecdoche_my_synecdoche.html O, Synecdoche, my Synecdoche!]," (10 November 2008)

* [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] is the first studio that is a movie star.
** [https://twitter.com/ebertchicago/status/16740535371 Twitter Feed] (21 June 2010)

* '''It is human nature to look away from illness. We don't enjoy a reminder of our own fragile mortality.''' That's why writing on the Internet has become a life-saver for me. My ability to think and write have not been affected. And on the Web, my real voice finds expression.
**[http://www.ted.com/talks/roger_ebert_remaking_my_voice.html TED Talk] (March 2011)

* I support freedom of choice. My choice is to not support [[abortion]], except in cases of a clear-cut choice between the lives of the mother and child. A child conceived through incest or rape is innocent and deserves the right to be born.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/rogers-journal/how-i-am-a-roman-catholic "How I am a Roman Catholic"] ''Roger Ebert's Journal'' (1 March 2013)

* '''I must slow down now, which is why I'm taking what I like to call "a leave of presence." ''' What in the world is a leave of presence? It means I am not going away. My intent is to continue to write selected reviews but to leave the rest to a talented team of writers handpicked and greatly admired by me. What's more, I'll be able at last to do what I've always fantasized about doing: reviewing only the movies I want to review. … So on this day of reflection I say again, thank you for going on this journey with me. '''I'll see you at the movies.'''
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/rogers-journal/a-leave-of-presence "A Leave of Presence" (2 April 2013)]

=== ''Awake in the Dark: The Best of Roger Ebert'' (2006) ===
[[File:Klaus Kinski en Aguirre.jpg|thumb|[[Werner Herzog|Herzog]] by his example gave me a model for the film artist: fearless, driven by his subjects, indifferent to commercial considerations, trusting his audience to follow him anywhere.]]
:ISBN 0226182002

* I began my work as a film critic in 1967. I had not thought to be a film critic, and indeed had few firm career plans apart from vague notions that I might someday be a political columnist or a professor of English. Robert Zonka, who was named the paper's feature editor the same day I was hired at the ''Chicago Sun-Times'', became one of the best friends of a lifetime. One day in March 1967, he called me into a conference room, told me that Eleanor Keen, the paper's movie critic, was retiring, and that I was the new critic. '''I walked away in elation and disbelief, yet hardly suspected that this day would set the course for the rest of my life.'''

* In my very first review I was already jaded, observing of "Galia," an obscure French film, that it "opens and closes with arty shots of the ocean, mother of us all, but in between it's pretty clear that what is washing ashore is the French New Wave." My pose in those days was one of superiority to the movies, although just when I had the exact angle of condescension calculated, a movie would open that disarmed my defenses and left me ecstatic and joyful.

* '''[[Werner Herzog|Herzog]] by his example gave me a model for the film artist: fearless, driven by his subjects, indifferent to commercial considerations, trusting his audience to follow him anywhere.''' In the 38 years since I saw my first Herzog film, after an outpouring of some 50 features and documentaries, he has never created a single film that is compromised, shameful, made for pragmatic reasons or uninteresting. '''Even his failures are spectacular.'''

=== ''Your Movie Sucks'' (2007) ===
[[File:Vampirefilm.png|thumb|Your Movie Sucks.]]
:ISBN 0740763660

* '''Some of these reviews were written in [[joyous]] zeal. Others with glee. Some in [[sorrow]], some in [[anger]], and a precious few with venom, of which I have a closely guarded supply.''' When I am asked, all too frequently, if I really sit all the way through these movies, my answer is inevitably: Yes, because I want to write the review. I would guess that I have not mentioned my Pulitzer Prize in a review except once or twice since 1975, but at the moment I read Rob Schneider's extremely unwise open letter to Patrick Goldstein, I knew I was receiving a home-run pitch, right over the plate. Other reviews were written in various spirits, some of them almost benevolently, but of ''Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo'', all I can say is that it is a movie made to inspire the title of a book like this.
** Introduction

=== ''Life Itself : A Memoir'' (2011) ===
[[File:SecularHumanismLogo3DPrideRainbowColors.png|thumb|We must try to contribute [[joy]] to the [[world]]. … I didn't always [[know]] this and am [[happy]] I [[lived]] long enough to find it out.]]

* '''[[Absolutists]] frighten me.''' During all the endless discussions on my blog about [[evolution]], intelligent design, [[God]], and the afterworld, numbering altogether thousands of comments, I have never [[named]] my [[beliefs]], although readers have freely informed me that I am an [[atheist]], and [[agnostic]], or at the very least a secular '''[[humanist]]''' — which I am.
** Ch. 53 : My Last Words

* '''"[[Kindness]]" covers all of my political beliefs.''' No need to spell them out. '''I believe that if, at the end, according to our [[abilities]], we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do.''' To make others less happy is a [[crime]]. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. '''We must try to contribute [[joy]] to the [[world]].''' That is true no matter what our [[problems]], our [[health]], our circumstances. '''We must try.''' I didn't always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.
** Ch. 53 : My Last Words

=== Reviews ===
==== Four star reviews ====
[[File:Amateur-made Na'vi.jpg|thumb|right|[[James Cameron (director)|James Cameron]]'s film has been the subject of relentlessly dubious advance buzz, just as his ''[[w:Titanic (1997 film)|Titanic]]'' was. Once again, he has silenced the doubters by simply delivering [[Avatar (2009 film)|an extraordinary film]].]]
[[File:Magnòlia a Verbania.JPG|thumb||''[[Magnolia (film)|Magnolia]]'' is the kind of film I instinctively respond to. Leave [[logic]] at the [[door]]. Do not expect subdued [[taste]] and restraint, but instead a kind of operatic [[ecstasy]].]]
[[File:Raining WikiWorld.png|thumb|''[[Magnolia (film)|Magnolia]]'' is one of those rare films that works in two entirely different ways. In one sense, it tells absorbing [[stories]], filled with detail, told with precision and not a little [[humor]]. On another sense, it is a [[parable]].]]
[[File:Roger Ebert.jpg|thumb|I don't [[know]] when a film has [[connected]] more immediately with my own [[personal]] [[experience]]. In uncanny ways, the central events of ''[[The Tree of Life (film)|The Tree of Life]]'' reflect a [[time]] and [[place]] I [[lived]] in, and the boys in it are me. If I set out to make an autobiographical film, and if I had Malick's [[gift]], it would look so much like this.]]

* '''Why did they give an R rating to a movie [[perfect]] for teenagers?'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/almost-famous-2000 Review] of ''[[Almost Famous]]'' (15 September 2000)

* '''Old age isn't for sissies, and neither is this film.''' … This is [[now]]. We are filled with [[optimism]] and [[expectation]]. Why would we want to see such a film, however brilliantly it has been made? I think it's because a film like ''Amour'' has a lesson for us that only the cinema can teach: the cinema, with its heedless [[ability]] to leap across [[time]] and transcend [[lives]] and dramatize what it means to be a member of [[humankind]]'s [[eternal]] audience.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/amour-2013 Review] of ''[[w:Amour (2012 film)|Amour]]'' (9 January 2013)

* '''Watching ''[[Avatar (2009 film)|Avatar]]'', I felt sort of the same as when I saw ''[[Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|Star Wars]]'' in 1977.''' That was another movie I walked into with uncertain expectations. [[James Cameron (director)|James Cameron]]'s film has been the subject of relentlessly dubious advance buzz, just as his ''[[Titanic (1997 film)|Titanic]]'' was. '''Once again, he has silenced the doubters by simply delivering an extraordinary film.''' There is still at least one man in Hollywood who knows how to spend $250 million, or was it $300 million, wisely.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/avatar-2009 Review] of ''[[Avatar (2009 film)|Avatar]]'' (11 December 2009)

* Especially in its opening scenes, ''[[w:Ballast (film)|Ballast]]'' is "slower" and "quieter" than we usually expect. You know what? So is life, most of the time. We don't wake up and immediately start engaging with plot points. But ''[[w:Ballast (film)|Ballast]]'' inexorably grows and deepens and gathers power and absorbs us. I always say I hardly ever cry at sad films, but I sometimes do, just a little, at films about good people.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/ballast-2008 Review] of ''[[w:Ballast (film)|Ballast]]'' (29 October 2008)

* '''I said this is the Batman movie I've been waiting for; more correctly, this is the movie I did not realize I was waiting for, because I didn't realize that more emphasis on [[story]] and character and less emphasis on high-tech action was just what was needed.''' The movie works dramatically in addition to being an entertainment. There's something to it.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/batman-begins-2005 Review] of ''[[Batman Begins]]'' (13 June 2005)

* '''''[[w:Dances With Wolves|Dances With Wolves]]'' has the kind of vision and ambition that is rare in movies today.''' It is not a formula movie, but a thoughtful, carefully observed story. It is a Western at a time when the Western is said to be dead. It asks for our imagination and sympathy. It takes its time, three hours, to unfold. It is a personal triumph for [[w:Kevin Costner|Kevin Costner]], the intelligent young actor of ''Field of Dreams'', who directed the film and shows a command of story and of visual structure that is startling; this movie moves so confidently and looks so good it seems incredible that it's a directorial debut.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/dances-with-wolves-1990 Review] of ''[[Dances with Wolves]]'' (9 November 1990)

* Admiration I did not feel. Sympathy I felt in the sense that I would feel it for a rabid dog, while accepting that it must be destroyed. I do not feel the film provides "a sufficient response to what [[Hitler]] actually did," because I feel no film can, and no response would be sufficient. '''All we can learn from a film like this is that millions of people can be led, and millions more killed, by madness leashed to racism and the barbaric instincts of tribalism.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/downfall-2005 Review] of ''[[w:Downfall (film)|Downfall]]'' (11 March 2005)

* Let me tell you a story. The day after Columbine, I was interviewed for the Tom Brokaw news program. The reporter had been assigned a theory and was seeking sound bites to support it. "Wouldn't you say," she asked, "that killings like this are influenced by violent movies?" No, I said, I wouldn't say that. "But what about ''Basketball Diaries''?" she asked. "Doesn't that have a scene of a boy walking into a school with a machine gun?" The obscure 1995 Leonardo Di Caprio movie did indeed have a brief fantasy scene of that nature, I said, but the movie failed at the box office (it grossed only $2.5 million), and it's unlikely the Columbine killers saw it. The reporter looked disappointed, so I offered her my theory.''' "Events like this," I said, "if they are influenced by anything, are influenced by news programs like your own.''' When an unbalanced kid walks into a school and starts shooting, it becomes a major media event. Cable news drops ordinary programming and goes around the clock with it. The story is assigned a logo and a theme song; these two kids were packaged as the Trench Coat Mafia. '''The message is clear to other disturbed kids around the country: If I shoot up my school, I can be famous.''' The TV will talk about nothing else but me. Experts will try to figure out what I was thinking. The kids and teachers at school will see they shouldn't have messed with me. I'll go out in a blaze of glory." In short, I said, '''events like Columbine are influenced far less by violent movies than by CNN, the NBC Nightly News and all the other news media, who glorify the killers in the guise of "explaining" them.''' I commended the policy at the ''Sun-Times'', where our editor said the paper would no longer feature school killings on Page 1. The reporter thanked me and turned off the camera. '''Of course the interview was never used.''' They found plenty of talking heads to condemn violent movies, and everybody was happy.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/elephant-2003 Review] of ''[[w:Elephant (2003 film)|Elephant]]'' (7 November 2003)

* '''Films like ''[[Fargo (film)|Fargo]]'' are why I love the movies.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/fargo-1996 Review] of ''[[w:Fargo (film)|Fargo]]'' (8 March 1996)

* This is a film about — and also for — not only obsessed clerks in record stores, but the video store clerks who have seen all the movies, and the bookstore employees who have read all the books. Also for bartenders, waitresses, greengrocers in health food stores, kitchen slaves at vegetarian restaurants, the people at GNC who know all the herbs, writers for alternative weeklies, disc jockeys on college stations, salespeople in retro clothing shops, tattoo artists and those they tattoo, poets, artists, musicians, novelists, and the hip, the pierced and the lonely. They may not see themselves but they will recognize people they know.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/high-fidelity-2000 Review of] ''[[High Fidelity]]'' (31 March 2000)

* '''It's so rare to find a movie that doesn't take sides.''' Conflict is said to be the basis of popular fiction, and yet here is a film that seizes us with its first scene and never lets go, and we feel sympathy all the way through for everyone in it. '''To be sure, they sometimes do bad things, but the movie ''understands'' them and their flaws. Like great fiction, ''[[House of Sand and Fog (film)|House of Sand and Fog]]'' sees into the hearts of its characters, and loves and pities them.''' … "House of Sand and Fog" relates not a plot with its contrived ups and downs but a story. A plot is about things that happen. A story is about people who behave. To admire a story you must be willing to listen to the people and observe them, and at the end of ''House of Sand and Fog'', we have seen good people with good intentions who have their lives destroyed because they had the bad luck to come across a weak person with shabby desires.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/house-of-sand-and-fog-2003 Review] of ''[[w:House of Sand and Fog|House of Sand and Fog]]'' (26 December 2003)

* Seated in a dark theater, I reached out my hand for that of my wife’s. She and I had visited the same beach and discussed visiting it with our children and grandchildren. An icy finger ran slowly down our spines. '''Such a connection can be terrifying.''' What does it mean? We are the playthings of the gods.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-impossible-2012 Review] of ''[[The Impossible (2012 film)|The Impossible]]'' (19 December 2012)

* The R rating refers to Logue's use of vulgarity. It is utterly inexplicable. This is an excellent film for teenagers.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-kings-speech-2010 Review] of ''[[The King's Speech]]'' (15 December 2010)

* '''''Magnolia'' is [[operatic]] in its [[ambition]], a [[great]], [[joyous]] leap into melodrama and [[coincidence]], with ragged [[emotions]], [[crimes]] and [[punishments]], deathbed scenes, [[romantic]] [[dreams]], generational turmoil and celestial intervention, all scored to insistent music. It is not a timid film.''' … The movie is an interlocking series of episodes that take place during one day in Los Angeles, sometimes even at the same moment. Its characters are linked by blood, coincidence and by the way their lives seem parallel. Themes emerge: the deaths of fathers, the resentments of children, the failure of early promise, the way all plans and ambitions can be undermined by sudden and astonishing events. … '''[[All]] of these threads converge, in one way or another, upon an event there is no way for the audience to anticipate.''' This event is not "cheating," as some critics have argued, because the prologue fully prepares the way for it, as do some subtle references to ''Exodus''. It works like the [[hand]] of [[God]], reminding us of the [[absurdity]] of daring to plan. And yet plan we must, because we are human, and because sometimes our plans work out. '''''Magnolia'' is the kind of film I instinctively respond to. Leave [[logic]] at the [[door]]. Do not expect subdued [[taste]] and restraint, but instead a kind of operatic [[ecstasy]].''' At three hours it is even operatic in length, as its themes unfold, its characters strive against the dying of the [[light]], and the great wheel of chance rolls on toward them.
** [[Roger Ebert]], in his [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/magnolia-2000 review of ''Magnolia'' in ''Chicago Sun-Times'' (7 January 2000)]

*''' ''Magnolia'' is a film of sadness and loss, of lifelong bitterness, of children harmed and adults destroying themselves.''' As the narrator tells us near the end, "We may be through with the past, but the past is never through with us." In this wreckage of lifetimes, there are two figures, a policeman and a nurse, who do what they can to offer help, hope and love. … The central theme is cruelty to children, and its lasting effect. This is closely linked to a loathing or fear of behaving as we are told, or think, that we should. … '''As an act of filmmaking, it draws us in and doesn't let go.''' It begins deceptively, with a little documentary about amazing coincidences (including the scuba diver scooped by a fire-fighting plane and dumped on a forest fire) … coincidences and strange events do happen, and they are as real as everything else. If you could stand back far enough, in fact, everything would be revealed as a coincidence. What we call "coincidences" are limited to the ones we happen to notice. … In one beautiful sequence, Anderson cuts between [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNmKghTvj0E most of the major characters all simultaneously singing] [[Aimee Mann]]'s "It's Not Going to Stop." A directorial flourish? You know what? I think it's a coincidence. Unlike many other "hypertext movies" with interlinking plots, ''Magnolia'' seems to be using the device in a deeper, more philosophical way. '''Anderson sees these people joined at a level below any possible knowledge, down where [[fate]] and [[destiny]] lie. They have been joined by their [[actions]] and their [[choices]].''' And all leads to the remarkable, famous, sequence near the film's end when it rains frogs. Yes. Countless frogs, still alive, all over Los Angeles, falling from the sky. That this device has sometimes been joked about puzzles me. '''I find it a way to elevate the whole story into a larger realm of inexplicable but real behavior. We need something beyond the human to add another dimension.''' Frogs ''have'' rained from the sky eight times this century, but never mind the facts. Attend instead to ''Exodus'' 8:2, which is cited on a placard in the film: "And if thou refuse to let them go, behold, I will smite your whole territory with frogs." Let who go? In this case, I believe, it refers not to people, but to [[fears]], [[shames]], [[sins]]. ''Magnolia'' is one of those rare films that works in two entirely different ways. '''In one sense, it tells absorbing stories, filled with detail, told with precision and not a little [[humor]]. On another sense, it is a [[parable]]. The message of the parable, as with all good parables, is expressed not in [[words]] but in [[emotions]]. After we have felt the [[pain]] of these people, and felt the love of the policeman and the nurse, we have been [[taught]] something intangible, but [[necessary]] to [[know]].'''
** Review of ''[[Magnolia (film)|Magnolia]]'' (1999), in [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-magnolia-1999 review for ''Great Movies'' (27 November 2008)]

* Empathy has been in short supply in our nation recently. Our leaders are quick to congratulate us on our own feelings, slow to ask us to wonder how others feel. But maybe times are changing. Every [[w:Spike Lee|Lee]] film is an exercise in empathy. He is not interested in congratulating the black people in his audience, or condemning the white ones. He puts human beings on the screen, and asks his audience to walk a little while in their shoes.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/malcolm-x-1992 Review] of ''[[Malcolm X (film)|Malcolm X]]'' (18 November 1992)

* ''[[The Man in the Moon]]'' is like a great short story, one of those masterpieces of language and mood where not one word is wrong, or unnecessary. It flows so smoothly from start to finish that it hardly even seems like an ordinary film. Usually I am aware of the screenwriter putting in obligatory scenes. I can hear the machinery grinding. Not this time. Although, in retrospect, I can see how carefully the plot was put together, how meticulously each event was prepared for, as I watched the film I was only aware of life passing by.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-man-in-the-moon-1991 Review] of ''[[The Man in the Moon]]'' (4 October 1991)

* [[Sean Penn]] never tries to show [[Harvey Milk]] as a hero, and never needs to. He shows him as an ordinary man, kind, funny, flawed, shrewd, idealistic, yearning for a better world. He shows what such an ordinary man can achieve. '''Milk was the right person in the right place at the right time, and he rose to the occasion.''' So was [[Rosa Parks]]. Sometimes, at a precise moment in history, all it takes is for one person to stand up. Or sit down.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/milk-2008 Review] of ''[[Milk (film)|Milk]]'' (24 November 2008)

* American movies are in the midst of a transition period. Some directors place their trust in technology. [[w:Steven Spielberg|Spielberg]], who is a master of technology, trusts only story and character, and then uses everything else as a workman uses his tools. He makes ''Minority Report'' with the new technology; other directors seem to be trying to make their movies from it. This film is such a virtuoso high-wire act, daring so much, achieving it with such grace and skill.''' ''Minority Report'' reminds us why we go to the movies in the first place.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/minority-report-2002 Review] of ''[[w:Minority Report (film)|Minority Report]]'' (21 June 2002)

* '''What [[w:Charlize Theron|Charlize Theron]] achieves in Patty Jenkins' ''[[w:Monster (film)|Monster]]'' isn't a performance but an embodiment.''' With courage, art and charity, she empathizes with [[w:Aileen Wuornos|Aileen Wuornos]], a damaged woman who committed seven murders. She does not excuse the murders. She simply asks that we witness the woman's final desperate attempt to be a better person than her fate intended.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/monster-2003 Review] of ''[[w:Monster (film)|Monster]]'' (1 January 2004)

* The ability of so many people to live comfortably with the idea of [[capital punishment]] is perhaps a clue to how so many Europeans were able to live with the idea of [[the Holocaust]]: '''Once you accept the notion that the state has the right to kill someone and the right to define what is a capital crime, aren't you halfway there?'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/mr-death-the-rise-and-fall-of-fred-a-leuchter-jr-2000 Review] of ''[[w:Mr. Death: The Rise and Fall of Fred A. Leuchter, Jr.|Mr. Death: The Rise and Fall of Fred A. Leuchter, Jr.]]'' (4 February 2000)

* To see strong acting like this is exhilarating. In a time of flashy directors who slice and dice their films in a dizzy editing rhythm, it is important to remember that films can look and listen and attentively sympathize with their characters. Directors grow great by subtracting, not adding, and [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] does nothing for show, everything for effect.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/mystic-river-2003 Review] of ''[[Mystic River (film)|Mystic River]]'' (8 October 2003)

* This is a painful movie to watch. But it is also exhilarating, as all good movies are, because we are watching the director and actors venturing beyond any conventional idea of what a modern movie can be about. Here there is no plot, no characters to identify with, no hope. But there is care: The filmmakers care enough about these people to observe them very closely, to note how they look and sound and what they feel.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/naked-1994 Review] of ''[[Naked (film)|Naked]]'' (18 February 1994)

* ''[[w:Once (film)|Once]]'' is the kind of film I've been pestered about ever since I started reviewing again. People couldn't quite describe it, but they said I had to see it. I had to. Well, I did. They were right.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/once-2007 Review] of ''[[w:Once (film)|Once]]'' (24 December 2007)

* '''In the twilight of the 20th century, here is a [[comedy]] to reassure us that there is [[hope]] — that the world we see around us represents [[progress]], not decay.''' ''[[Pleasantville]]'', which is one of the year's best and most original films, sneaks up on us. It begins by kidding those old black-and-white sitcoms like "Father Knows Best," it continues by pretending to be a sitcom itself, and it ends as a social commentary of surprising [[power]]. … The film observes that sometimes pleasant [[people]] are pleasant simply because they have never, ever been challenged. That it's scary and dangerous to learn new ways. The movie is like the defeat of the body snatchers: The people in color are like former pod people now freed to move on into the future. We observe that nothing creates [[fascists]] like the threat of [[freedom]]. ''[[Pleasantville]]'' is the kind of parable that encourages us to re-evaluate the good old days and take a fresh look at the new world we so easily dismiss as decadent. '''Yes, we have more problems. But also more solutions, more opportunities and more freedom.''' I grew up in the '50s. It was a lot more like the world of ''Pleasantville'' than you might imagine. Yes, my house had a picket fence, and dinner was always on the table at a quarter to six, but things were wrong that I didn't even know the words for.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/pleasantville-1998 Review] of ''[[w:Pleasantville (film)|Pleasantville]]'' (1 October 1998)

* Here is how [life] happens. We find something we want to do, if we are lucky, or something we need to do, if we are like most people. We use it as a way to obtain food, shelter, clothing, mates, comfort, a first folio of Shakespeare, model airplanes, American Girl dolls, a handful of rice, sex, solitude, a trip to Venice, Nikes, drinking water, plastic surgery, child care, dogs, medicine, education, cars, spiritual solace -- whatever we think we need. To do this, we enact the role we call "me," trying to brand ourselves as a person who can and should obtain these things.
:In the process, we place the people in our lives into compartments and define how they should behave to our advantage. Because we cannot force them to follow our desires, we deal with projections of them created in our minds. But they will be contrary and have wills of their own. Eventually new projections of us are dealing with new projections of them. Sometimes versions of ourselves disagree. We succumb to temptation — but, oh, father, what else was I gonna do? I feel like hell. I repent. I'll do it again... This has not been a conventional review. There is no need to name the characters, name the actors, assign adjectives to their acting. Look at who is in this cast. You know what I think of them. This film must not have seemed strange to them. It's what they do all day, especially waiting around for the director to make up his mind.
:* [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/synecdoche-new-york-2008 Review] of ''[[w:Synecdoche, New York|Synecdoche, New York]]'' (5 November 2008)

* Sometimes when you've read the novel, it gets in the way of the images on the screen. You keep remembering how you imagined things. That didn't happen with me during ''[[Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]'', because the movie is so perfectly cast and well-imagined that it just takes over and happens to you. It's quite an experience. … The movie becomes an act of discovery, as the naive young American, his mind filled with notions of love, death, and honor, becomes the friend of a woman who has seen so much hate, death, and dishonor that the only way she can continue is by blotting out the past, and drinking and loving her way into temporary oblivion. …''' ''Sophie's Choice'' is a fine, absorbing, wonderfully acted, heartbreaking movie. It is about three people who are faced with a series of choices, some frivolous, some tragic. As they flounder in the bewilderment of being human in an age of madness, they become our friends, and we love them.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/sophies-choice-1982 Review] of ''[[Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]'' (1 January 1982)

* Films like ''Speed'' belong to the genre I call Bruised Forearm Movies, because you're always grabbing the arm of the person sitting next to you. Done wrong, they seem like tired replays of old chase cliches. Done well, they're fun. Done as well as ''Speed,'' they generate a kind of manic exhilaration.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/speed-1994 Review] of ''[[Speed (1994 film)|Speed]]'' (10 June 1994)

* '''We are connected with some people and never meet others, but it could easily have happened otherwise.''' Looking back over a lifetime, we describe what happened as if it had a plan. To fully understand how accidental and random life is — how vast the odds are against any single event taking place — would be humbling. … '''This is the kind of film that makes you feel intensely alive while you're watching it, and sends you out into the streets afterwards eager to talk deeply and urgently, to the person you are with. Whoever that happens to be.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/red-1994 Review] of ''[[w:Three Colors: Red|Three Colors: Red]]'' (2 December 1994)

* '''[[w:Terrence Malick|Terrence Malick]]'s ''[[The Tree of Life (film)|The Tree of Life]]'' is a film of vast [[ambition]] and deep [[humility]], attempting no less than to encompass [[all]] of [[existence]] and view it through the prism of a few infinitesimal [[lives]].''' The only other film I've seen with this [[boldness]] of vision is [[Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick's]] ''[[2001: A Space Odyssey]]'', and it lacked Malick's fierce evocation of [[human]] [[feeling]]. … '''I don't [[know]] when a film has [[connected]] more immediately with my own [[personal]] [[experience]].''' In uncanny ways, the central events of ''The Tree of Life'' reflect a [[time]] and [[place]] I lived in, and the boys in it are me. If I set out to make an autobiographical film, and if I had Malick's [[gift]], it would look so much like this. … There is a father who maintains [[discipline]] and a mother who exudes [[forgiveness]], and long summer days of [[play]] and idleness and urgent unsaid questions about the [[meaning]] of things. … The film's portrait of everyday life, inspired by Malick's memories of his hometown of Waco, Texas, is bounded by two immensities, one of space and time, and the other of [[spirituality]]. ''The Tree of Life'' has awe-inspiring visuals suggesting the [[birth]] and expansion of the [[universe]], the appearance of life on a microscopic level and the [[evolution]] of species. '''This process leads to the [[present]] [[moment]], and to all of us.''' We were created in the [[Big Bang]] and over untold millions of years, molecules formed themselves into, well, you and me. And what comes after? In whispered [[words]] near the [[beginning]], "[[nature]]" and "[[grace]]" are heard. … '''The film's coda provides a [[Visions|vision]] of an afterlife, a desolate landscape on which quiet people solemnly recognize and greet one another, and all is [[understood]] in the fullness of [[time]].'''
** [http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20110602/REVIEWS/110609998 review of ''[[The Tree of Life (film)The Tree of Life|The Tree of Life]]'' (2 June 2011)]

* '''It is not too soon for "[[United 93 (film)|United 93]]," because it is not a film that knows any time has passed since 9/11.''' The entire story, every detail, is told in the present tense. We know what they know when they know it, and nothing else. Nothing about Al Qaeda, nothing about Osama bin Laden, nothing about Afghanistan or Iraq, only events as they unfold. '''This is a masterful and heartbreaking film, and it does honor to the memory of the victims.'''
**[https://web.archive.org/web/20130707210114/http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/united-93-2006 Review] of ''[[United 93 (film)|United 93]]'' (27 April 2006)

* '''Kids are not stupid. They are among the sharpest, cleverest, most eagle-eyed creatures on God's Earth, and very little escapes their notice.''' You may not have observed that your neighbor is still using his snow tires in mid-July, but every four-year-old on the block has, and kids pay the same attention to detail when they go to the movies. They don't miss a thing, and they have an instinctive contempt for shoddy and shabby work. I make this observation because nine out of ten children's movies are stupid, witless, and display contempt for their audiences, and that's why kids hate them. Is that all parents want from kids' movies? That they not have anything bad in them? Shouldn't they have something good in them — some life, imagination, fantasy, inventiveness, something to tickle the imagination? If a movie isn't going to do your kids any good, why let them watch it? Just to kill a Saturday afternoon? That shows a subtle kind of contempt for a child's mind, I think. All of this is preface to a simple statement: ''Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory'' is probably the best film of its sort since "The Wizard of Oz." It is everything that family movies usually claim to be, but aren't: Delightful, funny, scary, exciting, and, most of all, a genuine work of imagination. ''Willy Wonka'' is such a surely and wonderfully spun fantasy that it works on all kinds of minds, and it is fascinating because, like all classic fantasy, it is fascinated with itself.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/willy-wonka-and-the-chocolate-factory-1971 Review] of ''[[Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory]]'' (1 January 1971)

* '''The elements in ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]'' powerfully fill a void that exists inside many children.''' For kids of a certain age, home is everything, the center of the world. But over the rainbow, dimly guessed at, is the wide earth, fascinating and terrifying. There is a deep fundamental fear that events might conspire to transport the child from the safety of home and strand him far away in a strange land. And what would he hope to find there? Why, new friends, to advise and protect him. And Toto, of course, because children have such a strong symbiotic relationship with their pets that they assume they would get lost together.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/great-movie-the-wizard-of-oz-1939 Review] of ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]'' (22 December 1996)

==== Three-and-a-half star reviews ====

* Burt and Verona are two characters rarely seen in the movies: thirtysomething, educated, healthy, self-employed, gentle, thoughtful, whimsical, not neurotic and really truly in love. Their great concern is finding the best place and way to raise their child, who is a bun still in the oven. For every character like this I’ve seen in the last 12 months, I’ve seen 20, maybe 30, mass murderers.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/away-we-go-2009 Review] of ''[[w:Away We Go (film)|Away We Go]]'' (10 June 2009)

* Occasionally an unsuspecting innocent will stumble into a movie like this and send me an anguished postcard, asking how I could possibly give a favorable review to such trash. My stock response is Ebert's Law, which reads: A movie is not about what it is about. It is about how it is about it.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/freeway-1997 Review] of ''[[w:Freeway (1996 film)|Freeway]]'' (24 January 1997)

* Rarely has a movie this expensive provided so many quotable lines.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/ghostbusters-1984 Review] of ''[[Ghostbusters]]'' (1 January 1984)

* Anna’s reaction is more complex than you might imagine, and it’s at such a moment you appreciate the woman in the writer-director’s chair. Women, I suspect, are more likely than men to view sex from the over-all perspective of what we may call their lives. In a country like Saudi Arabia, whose citizens express discomfort about men and women even attending movies together, I have little doubt which gender is more concerned.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/humpday-2009 Review] of ''[[w:Humpday|Humpday]]'' (22 July 2009)

* [W]hat ''Husbands and Wives'' argues is that many "rational" relationships are actually not as durable as they seem, because somewhere inside every person is a child crying me! me! me! We say we want the other person to be happy. What we mean is, we want them to be happy with us, just as we are, on our terms... Beneath the urgency of all the older characters - both men, both women, and even the older dating partners they experiment with - is the realization that life is short, that time is running out, that life sells you a romantic illusion and neglects to tell you that you can't have it, because when you take any illusion and make it flesh, its hair begins to fall out, and it has B.O., and it asks you what your sign is. True love involves loving another's imperfections, which are the parts that tend to endure.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/husbands-and-wives-1992 Review] of ''[[w:Husbands and Wives|Husbands and Wives]]'' (18 September 1992)

* It is strange how the romances of the teenage years retain a poignancy all through life - how a girl who turns you down when you're 16 retains an aura in your memory even long after you, and she, have ceased to be who you were then. I attended my high school reunion a couple of weeks ago and discovered, in the souvenir booklet assembled by the reunion committee, that one of the girls in my class had a crush on me all those years ago. I would have given a great deal to have had that information at the time.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/metropolitan-1990 Review] of ''[[Metropolitan (1990 film)|Metropolitan]]'' (10 August 1990)

* After seeing ''Orphan,'' I now realize that Damien of ''[[The Omen]]'' was a model child. The Demon Seed was a bumper crop. [[w:Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary]] would have been happy to have this baby. Do not, under any circumstances, take children to see it. Take my word on this.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/orphan-2009 Review] of ''[[w:Orphan (film)|Orphan]]'' (22 July 2009)

* The movie delights me with its cocky confidence that the audience can keep up. ''Primer'' is a film for nerds, geeks, brainiacs, Academic Decathlon winners, programmers, philosophers and the kinds of people who have made it this far into the review. It will surely be hated by those who 'go to the movies to be entertained', and embraced and debated by others, who will find it entertains the parts the others do not reach.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/primer-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Primer (film)|Primer]]'' (29 October 2004)

[[File:Symboly Venuse a Marsu spojene k sobe.svg|thumb|right|It is better to find a partner you can contend with for a lifetime than one who accommodates you because he doesn't really care.]]
* Life's missed opportunities, at the end, may seem more poignant to us than those we embraced — because in our imagination they have a perfection that reality can never rival.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-sleepy-time-gal-2002 Review] of ''[[w:The Sleepy Time Gal (film)|The Sleepy Time Gal]]'' (22 November 2002)

* It considers not only how we relate to others, but how we relate to our ideas of others — so that a completely phony, non-human replica of a dead wife can inspire the same feelings that the wife herself once did. That is a peculiarity of humans: We feel the same emotions for our ideas as we do for the real world, which is why we can cry while reading a book, or fall in love with movie stars. Our idea of humanity bewitches us, while humanity itself stays safely sealed away into its billions of separate containers, or "people."
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/solaris-2002 Review] of ''[[w:Solaris (2002 film)|Solaris]]'' (22 November 2002)

* This movie was made by professionals. Do not attempt any of this behavior yourself.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/superbad-2007 Review] of ''[[Superbad]]'' (17 August 2007)

* Why must a film explain everything? Why must every motivation be spelled out? Aren't many films fundamentally the same film, with only the specifics changed? Aren't many of them telling the same story? Seeking perfection, we see what our dreams and hopes might look like. We realize they come as a gift through no power of our own, and if we lose them, isn't that almost worse than never having had them in the first place?There will be many who find "To the Wonder" elusive and too effervescent. They'll be dissatisfied by a film that would rather evoke than supply. I understand that, and I think [[w:Terrence Malick|Terrence Malick]] does, too. But here he has attempted to reach more deeply than that: to reach beneath the surface, and find the soul in need.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/to-the-wonder-2013 Review] of ''[[w:To the Wonder|To the Wonder]]'' (April 6, 2013)
** '''NOTE: This was the last movie review Roger Ebert filed.'''

* To call it weird would be a cowardly evasion. It is creepy, eccentric, eerie, flaky, freaky, funky, grotesque, inscrutable, kinky, kooky, magical, oddball, spooky, uncanny, uncouth and unearthly. Especially uncouth. What I did was, I typed the word 'weird' and when that wholly failed to evoke the feelings the film stirred in me, I turned to the thesaurus and it suggested the above substitutes - and none of them do the trick, either.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-triplets-of-belleville-2003 Review] of ''[[w:Les Triplettes de Belleville|The Triplets of Belleville]]'' (26 December 2003)

* [D]oes the real world have any more substance than visions and hallucinations — when we're having them? At any given moment, what's happening in our minds is all and everything that happens.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/uncle-boonmee-who-can-recall-his-past-lives-2011 Review] of ''[[w:Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives|Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives]]'' (14 April 2011)

* It is an interesting law of romance that a truly strong woman will choose a strong man who disagrees with her over a weak one who goes along. Strength demands intelligence, intelligence demands stimulation, and weakness is boring. It is better to find a partner you can contend with for a lifetime than one who accommodates you because he doesn't really care. … Sixty seconds of wondering if someone is about to kiss you is more entertaining than 60 minutes of kissing. … Spill the beans, and the conversation is history. Speak in code, with wit and challenge, and the process of decryption is like foreplay.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-winslow-boy-1999 Review] of ''[[w:The Winslow Boy (1999 film)|The Winslow Boy]]'' (28 May 1999)

* Is ''xXx'' a threat to the Bond franchise? Not a threat so much as a salute. I don't want [[w:James Bond|James Bond]] to turn crude and muscular on me; I like the suave style. But I like Xander, too, especially since he seems to have studied Bond so very carefully.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/xxx-2002 Review] of ''[[xXx]]'' (9 August 2002)

==== Three star reviews ====
* I wonder who will find the film more uncomfortable - men or women? Both will recoil from the brutality of the scenes of the assault. But for some men, the movie will reveal a truth that most women already know. It is that verbal sexual harassment, whether crudely in a saloon back room or subtly in an everyday situation, is a form of violence - one that leaves no visible marks but can make its victims feel unable to move freely and casually in society.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-accused-1988 Review] of ''[[w:The Accused|The Accused]]'' (14 October 1988)

* As I swim through the summer tide of vulgarity, I find that's what I'm looking for: Movies that at least feel affection for their characters. Raunchy is OK. Cruel is not.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/american-pie-1999 Review] of ''[[American Pie (film)|American Pie]]'' (9 July 1999)

* One hopeful sign that the filmmakers can learn and grow is that the sequel does not contain a single pie, if you know what I mean.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/american-pie-2-2001 Review] of ''[[American Pie 2]]'' (10 August 2001)

* The movie cheerfully offends all civilized notions of taste, decorum, manners and hygiene... is the movie vulgar? Vulgarity is when we don't laugh. When we laugh, it's merely human nature.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/american-wedding-2003 Review] of ''[[American Wedding]]'' (1 August 2003)

* The beautiful Monique insists on joining their expedition and cannot be dissuaded; we think at first she has a nefarious motive, but no, she's probably taken a class in screenplay construction and knows that the film requires a sexy female lead. This could be the first case in cinematic history of a character voluntarily entering a movie because of the objective fact that she is required.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/around-the-world-in-80-days-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Around the World in 80 Days (2004 film)|Around the World in 80 Days]]'' (16 June 2004)

* ...it is widely but wrongly believed that ''[[Beavis and Butt-Head]]'' celebrates its characters, and applauds their sublime lack of values, taste and intelligence. I've never thought so. I believe Mike Judge would rather die than share a taxi ride to the airport with his characters — that for him, B&B function like Dilbert's co-workers in the Scott Adams universe. They are a target for his anger against the rising tide of stupidity.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/beavis-and-butt-head-do-america-1996 Review] of ''[[Beavis and Butthead Do America]]'' (20 December 1996)

* This sort of scenario has happened, I imagine, millions of times. It has rarely happened in a nicer, sweeter, more gentle way than in [[w:Richard Linklater|Richard Linklater's]] ''[[w:Before Sunrise|"Before Sunrise,"]]'' which I could call a ''[[w:Love Affair (1939 film)|"Love Affair"]]'' for Generation X, except that Jesse and Celine stand outside their generation, and especially outside its boring insistence on being bored. The R rating for this film, based on a few four-letter words, is entirely unjustified. It is an ideal film for teenagers.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/before-sunrise-1995 Review] of ''[[Before Sunrise]]'' (27 January 1995)

* Censors feel they are safe from objectionable material but must protect others who are not as smart or moral. The same impulse tempts the reviewer of 'The Believer'... If the wrong people get the wrong message - well, there has never been any shortage of wrong messages. Or wrong people.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-believer-2002 Review] of ''[[w:The Believer|The Believer]]'' (14 June 2002)

* In ''Blue Crush'', we meet three Hawaiian surfers who work as hotel maids, live in a grotty rental, and are raising the kid sister of one of them. Despite this near-poverty, they look great; there is nothing like a tan and a bikini to overcome class distinctions.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/blue-crush-2002 Review] of ''[[w:Blue Crush|Blue Crush]]'' (16 August 2002)

* Much has been written about Generation X and the films about it. ''Clerks'' is so utterly authentic that its heroes have never heard of their generation. When they think of "X," it's on the way to the video store.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/clerks-1994 Review] of ''[[Clerks]]'' (4 November 1994)

* This film is based on an actual [[w:Strip search prank call scam|2004 event]] that took place at a McDonald's in Mount Washington, Ky. Google it and you'll find most of the same details. If you're not one of the film's walk-outs, you'll discover at the end that 70 similar deceptions have occurred in the United States... If the stunt worked 70 times, they must prove something — perhaps that we are afraid of authority. I know that when a traffic cop pulls me over, I'm frightened — scared enough that I drive safely and am almost never pulled over.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/compliance-2012 Review] of ''[[w:Compliance (film)|Compliance]]'' (29 August 2012)

* ...If there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's that you never say no to an old gypsy woman with a blind eye and leprous fingernails.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/drag-me-to-hell-2009 Review] of ''[[w:Drag Me to Hell|Drag Me to Hell]]'' (7 June 2009)

* I read all the movie reviews, especially those of Ebert, a graceful and witty prose stylist with profound erudition, whose reviews are worth reading just for themselves, whether or not I have any intention of viewing the movie … Ebert, the smart and handsome one, gave thumbs up to my first movie [''[[w:Garfield (film)|Garfield: The Movie]]''], but [[w:Richard Roeper|[Richard] Roeper]], the other one, gave thumbs down and was particularly unkind. He went on forever attacking Ebert for liking ''Garfield''. This from a man with enough taste to praise ''[[w:Duma (film)|Duma]]''. How very disappointing. One of Roeper's complaints was that I was animated and all of the other characters in the movie were "real." Do you have any idea how a statement like that hurts an actor who has worked all of his life as a media cat? Yes, Richard Roeper, I was animated. Read my lips: ''I am a character in a comic strip''.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/garfield-a-tail-of-two-kitties-2006 Review] of ''[[w:Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties|Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties]]'', written in the first person as [[w:Garfield|Garfield]]. (16 June 2006)

* I arrive at the end of this review having done my duty as a critic. I have described the movie accurately and you have a good idea what you are in for if you go to see it. Most of you will not. I cannot argue with you. Some of you will — the brave and the curious. You embody the spirit of the man who first wondered what it would taste like to eat an oyster.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/gerry-2003 Review] of ''[[w:Gerry|Gerry]]'' (28 February 2003)

* It's strange: We leave the movie having enjoyed its conclusion so much that we almost forgot our earlier reservations. But they were there, and they were real.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-goodbye-girl-1977 Review of] ''[[w:The Goodbye Girl|The Goodbye Girl]]'' (1 January 1977)

* You should never send an expert to a movie about his specialty. Boxers hate boxing movies. Space buffs said 'Apollo 13' showed the wrong side of the moon. The British believe Mel Gibson's scholarship was faulty in 'Braveheart' merely because some of the key characters hadn't been born at the time of the story. 'Hackers' is, I have no doubt, deeply dubious in the computer science department. While it is no doubt true that in real life no hacker could do what the characters in this movie do, it is no doubt equally true that what hackers can do would not make a very entertaining movie.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/hackers-1995 Review] of ''[[w:Hackers (film)|Hackers]]'' (15 September 1995)

* Most people choose movies that provide exactly what they expect, and tell them things they already know. Others are more curious. We are put on this planet only once, and to limit ourselves to the familiar is a crime against our minds.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-isle-2003 Review] of ''[[w:The Isle|The Isle]]'' (31 January 2003)

* The charm of a Kevin Smith movie is that it assumes you do not enter the theater as a blank slate. "Chasing Amy" assumes a little knowledge of the world of serious comic books and collectors; "Dogma" required you to know something about Catholic theology, and "Jay and Silent Bob" has moments like the one where the Affleck character defines the Internet for Jay: "It's a place used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography together." This is a much more sophisticated idea of the Net than we find in high-tech cyberthrillers, where the Net is a place that makes your computer beep a lot. Whether you will like "Jay and Silent Bob" depends on who you are. Most movies are made for everybody. Kevin Smith's movies are either made specifically for you, or specifically not made for you. If you read this review without a smile or a nod of recognition, I would recommend "Rush Hour 2," which is for everybody or nobody, you tell me.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/jay-and-silent-bog-strike-back-2001 Review] of ''[[Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back]]'' (24 August 2001)

* These days too many children's movies are infected by the virus of Winning, as if kids are nothing more than underage pro athletes, and the values of Vince Lombardi prevail: It's not how you play the game, but whether you win or lose. This is a movie that breaks with that tradition, that allows its kids to be kids, that shows them in the insular world of imagination and dreaming that children create entirely apart from adult domains and values. There was a moment in the film when Rodriguez hit a line drive directly at the pitcher's mound, and I ducked and held up my mitt, and then I realized I didn't have a mitt, and it was then I also realized how completely this movie had seduced me with its memories of what really matters when you are 12.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-sandlot-1993 Review] of ''[[The Sandlot]]'' (7 April 1993)

* I recently published a book about movies I hated, and people have been asking me which reviews are harder to write — those about great movies, or those about terrible ones. The answer is neither. The most unreviewable movies are those belonging to the spoof genre — movies like ''[[Airplane!]]'' and ''[[The Naked Gun]]'' and all the countless spin-offs and retreads of the same basic idea... the bottom line in reviewing a movie like this is, does it work? Is it funny? Yes, it is. Not funny with the shocking impact of ''Airplane!'' which had the advantage of breaking new ground. But also not a tired wheeze like some of the lesser and later [[w:Leslie Nielsen|Leslie Nielsen]] films. To get your money's worth, you need to be familiar with the various teenage horror franchises, and if you are, ''Scary Movie'' delivers the goods.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/scary-movie-2000 Review] of ''[[Scary Movie]]'' (7 July 2000)

* What did I think about this movie? As a film critic, I liked it. I liked the in-jokes and the self-aware characters. At the same time, I was aware of the incredible level of gore in this film. It is *really* violent. Is the violence defused by the ironic way the film uses it and comments on it? For me, it was. For some viewers, it will not be, and they will be horrified. Which category do you fall in? Here's an easy test: When I mentioned ''Fangoria'', did you know what I was talking about?
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/scream-1996 Review] of ''[[Scream]]'' (20 December 1996)

* The star rating system is relative, not absolute. When you ask a friend if ''Hellboy'' is any good, you're not asking if it's any good compared to ''Mystic River,'' you're asking if it's any good compared to ''The Punisher.'' And my answer would be, on a scale of one to four, if ''Superman'' (1978) is four, then ''Hellboy'' is three and ''The Punisher'' is two. In the same way, if ''American Beauty'' gets four stars, then ''[The United States of] Leland'' clocks in at about two.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/shaolin-soccer-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Shaolin Soccer|Shaolin Soccer]]'' (23 April 2004)

* Khan is played as a cauldron of resentment by Ricardo Montalban, and his performance is so strong that he helps illustrate a general principle involving not only ''Star Trek'' but ''Star Wars'' and all the epic serials, especially the ''James Bond'' movies: Each film is only as good as its villain. Since the heroes and the gimmicks tend to repeat from film to film, only a great villain can transform a good try into a triumph.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/star-trek-ii-the-wrath-of-khan-1982 Review] of ''[[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]]'' (1 January 1982)

* ''Wild Things'' is lurid trash, with a plot so twisted they're still explaining it during the closing titles. It's like a three-way collision between a softcore sex film, a soap opera and a B-grade noir. I liked it. Movies such as this either entertain or offend audiences; there's no neutral ground. Either you're a connoisseur of melodramatic comic vulgarity, or you're not. You know who you are. I don't want to get any postcards telling me this movie is in bad taste. I'm warning you: It is in bad taste. Bad taste elevated to the level of demented sleaze.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/wild-things-1998 Review] of ''[[w:Wild Things|Wild Things]]'' (20 March 1998)

==== Two-and-a-half star reviews ====
* It's the kind of movie where you ask people how they liked it, and they say, "Well, it was well made," and then they wince.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/dead-ringers-1988 Review] of ''[[w:Dead Ringers (film)|Dead Ringers]]'' (23 September 1988)

* No movie has ever been able to provide a catharsis for the [[Holocaust]], and I suspect none will ever be able to provide one for [[September 11 attacks|9/11]].
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/extremely-loud-and-incredibly-close-2012 Review] of ''[[w:Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (film)|Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close]]'' (18 January 2012)

* Is that a sacrilege that I praise a Holocaust movie <nowiki>[</nowiki>''[[Schindler's List]]''<nowiki>]</nowiki> for being entertaining? The word doesn't imply that a movie need be cheerful. In my mind, entertainment in this genre springs from characters who are brought to full life, who we care about and who are set in a powerful story. My motto: "No good movie is depressing. All bad movies are depressing."
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/in-darkness-2011 Review] of ''[[w:In Darkness (2011 film)|In Darkness]]'' (15 February 2012)

* A movie should present its characters with a problem and then watch them solve it, not without difficulty. So says an old and reliable screenplay formula. Countless movies have been made about a boy and a girl who have a problem (they haven't slept with each other) and after difficulties (family, war, economic, health, rival lover, stupid misunderstanding) they solve it by sleeping with each other. Now we have a movie about two homosexuals that follows the same reliable convention.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/latter-days-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Latter Days|Latter Days]]'' (13 February 2004)

*"The Lucky One" is at its heart a romance novel, elevated however by Nicholas Sparks' persuasive storytelling. Readers don't read his books because they're true, but because they ought to be true. You can easily imagine how many ways this story would probably go wrong in real life, but who wants to see a movie where a Marine leans over to pick up a photo and is blown up? And a mom trying to raise her son and feed lots of hungry dogs while her abusive ex-husband gets drunk and hangs around? That kind of stuff is too close to life.
**[https://web.archive.org/web/20120505180249/http://rogerebert.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20120418/REVIEWS/120419985/1001 Review] of ''[[w:The Lucky One|The Lucky One]]'' (18 April 2012)

* I could list some Japanese films illustrating this, but the last thing the audience for ''[[w:Memoirs of a Geisha|Memoirs of a Geisha]]'' wants to see is a more truthful film with less gorgeous women and shabbier production values.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/memoirs-of-a-geisha-2005 Review] of ''[[w:Memoirs of a Geisha (film)|Memoirs of a Geisha]]'' (9 December 2005)

* It's the kind of movie home video was invented for: Not worth the trip to the theater, but slam it into the VCR and you get your rental's worth.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/my-cousin-vinny-1992 Review] of ''[[My Cousin Vinny]]'' (13 March 1992)

* I do not demand that all movies have a story to pull us from beginning to end, and indeed one of the charms of ''[[The Big Lebowski]]'', the Coens' previous film, is how its stoned hero loses track of the thread of his own life. But with ''O Brother, Where Are Thou?'' I had the sense of invention set adrift; of a series of bright ideas wondering why they had all been invited to the same film.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/o-brother-where-art-thou-2000 Review] of ''[[w:O Brother, Where Art Thou|O Brother, Where Art Thou?]]'' (29 December 2000)

* Now that we know [[Quentin Tarantino]] can make a movie like ''Reservoir Dogs'', it's time for him to move on and make a better one.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/reservoir-dogs-1992 Review] of ''[[Reservoir Dogs]]'' (26 October 1992)

* It's in the action scenes that things fall apart. Consider the scene where Spider-Man is given a cruel choice between saving Mary Jane or a cable car full of school kids. He tries to save both, so that everyone dangles from webbing that seems about to pull loose. The visuals here could have given an impression of the enormous weights and tensions involved, but instead the scene seems more like a bloodless storyboard of the idea. In other CGI scenes, Spidey swoops from great heights to street level and soars back up among the skyscrapers again with such dizzying speed that it seems less like a stunt than like a fast-forward version of a stunt.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/spider-man-2002 Review] of ''[[Spider-Man (film)|Spider-Man]]'' (3 May 2002)

* To know me is to love me. This cliche is popular for a reason, because most of us, I imagine, believe deep in our hearts that if anyone truly got to know us, they'd truly get to love us - or at least know why we're the way we are. The problem in life, maybe the central problem, is that so few people ever seem to have sufficient curiosity to do the job on us that we know we deserve.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/tie-me-up-tie-me-down-1990 Review] of ''[[w:Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!|Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!]]'' (25 May 1990)

* This is a movie that comes in two parts: It knows exactly what to do with special effects, but doesn't have a clue as to how two people in love might act and talk and think. Movies like ''[[Top Gun]]'' are hard to review because the good parts are so good and the bad parts are so relentless. The dogfights are absolutely the best since Clint Eastwood's electrifying aerial scenes in ''Firefox.'' But look out for the scenes where the people talk to one another.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/top-gun-1986 Review] of ''[[w:Top Gun|Top Gun]]'' (16 May 1986)

* You want loud, dumb, skillful, escapist entertainment? ''Twister'' works. You want to think? Think twice about seeing it.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/twister-1996 Review] of ''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]'' (10 May 1996)

==== Two star reviews ====
* I have always had my doubts about any form of divine intervention in sports contests. The power of prayer may be remarkable in many other arenas, but why should God want my team to win instead of the other side? Isn't it insulting to request God to even take an interest in baseball?
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/angels-in-the-outfield-1994 Review] of ''[[Angels in the Outfield (1994 film)|Angels in the Outfield]]'' (15 July 1994)

* Since the scenes where they're together are so much less convincing than the ones where they fall apart, watching the movie is like being on a double-date from hell.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-break-up-2006 Review] of ''[[w:The Break-Up|The Break-Up]]'' (2 June 2006)

* We'll probably be debating ''[[A Clockwork Orange (film)|A Clockwork Orange]]'' for a long time — a long, weary and pointless time. The New York critical establishment has guaranteed that for us. They missed the boat on ''[[2001: A Space Odyssey (film)|2001]]'', so maybe they were trying to catch up with [[Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] on this one. Or maybe the news weeklies just needed a good movie cover story for Christmas.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/a-clockwork-orange-1972 Review] of ''A Clockwork Orange'' (11 February 1972)

* When the film premiered at [[w:2003 Cannes Film Festival|Cannes 2003]], [[Lars von Trier]] was accused of not portraying Americans accurately, but how many movies do? Anything by [[w:David Spade|David Spade]] come to mind? Von Trier could justifiably make a fantasy about America, even an anti-American fantasy, and produce a good film, but here he approaches the ideological subtlety of a raving prophet on a street corner.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/dogville-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Dogville|Dogville]]'' (9 April 2004)

* The audience I joined was perhaps 80 percent female. I heard some sniffles and glimpsed some tears, and no wonder. ''Eat Pray Love'' is shameless wish-fulfillment, a [[w:Harlequin|Harlequin]] novel crossed with a mystic travelogue, and it mercifully reverses the life chronology of many people, which is Love Pray Eat.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/eat-pray-love-2010 Review] of ''[[w:Eat Pray Love (film)|Eat Pray Love]]'' (11 Aug 2010)

* I know that the real [[w:Erin Brockovich|Brockovich]] liked to dress provocatively; that's her personal style and she's welcome to it. But the Hollywood version makes her look like a miniskirted hooker, with bras that peek cheerfully above her necklines.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/erin-brockovich-2000 Review] of ''[[Erin Brockovich (film)|Erin Brockovich]]'' (17 March 2000)

* Why bother to remake ''Fame'' if you don't have clue about why the [[w:Fame (1980 film)|1980 movie]] was special? Why take a touching experience and make it into a shallow exercise? Why begin with a R-rated look at plausible kids with real problems and tame it into a PG-rated after-school special? Why cast actors who are sometimes too old and experienced to play seniors, let alone freshmen?
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/fame-2009 Review] of ''[[w:Fame (2009 film)|Fame]]'' (23 Sep 2009)

* By the end of this long film, I would have traded any given gladiatorial victory for just one shot of blue skies... ''Gladiator'' lacks joy. It employs depression as a substitute for personality, and believes that if the characters are bitter and morose enough, we won't notice how dull they are.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/gladiator-2000 Review] of ''[[Gladiator]]'' (5 May 2000)

* Call me hardhearted, call me cynical, but please don't call me if they make ''Home Alone 3''.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/home-alone-2-lost-in-new-york-1992 Review] of ''[[w:Home Alone 2: Lost in New York|Home Alone 2: Lost in New York]]'' (20 November 1992)

* It was [[W. C. Fields]] who hated to appear in the same scene with a child, a dog, or a plunging neckline - because nobody in the audience would be looking at him. [[w:Jennifer Aniston|Jennifer Aniston]] has the same problem in this movie even when she's in scenes all by herself.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/picture-perfect-1997 Review] of ''[[w:Picture Perfect (1997 film)|Picture Perfect]]'' (1 August 1997)

* You used to be able to depend on a bad film being poorly made. No longer. ''The Punisher: War Zone'' [sic] is one of the best-made bad movies I've seen...Its only flaw is that it's disgusting.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/punisher-war-zone-2008 Review] of ''[[w:Punisher: War Zone|Punisher: War Zone]]'' (3 December 2008)

* Consider an opening musical number set in a maternity ward, where Tommy Pickles and his friends Chuckie Finster and Phil and Lil DeVille are hoping for a look at Tommy's new kid brother, Dilbert. (Dil Pickles — get it? For ''[[Rugrats]]'' fans, this is humor of the highest order.) They wake up the babies, who do a number that seems inspired by [[w:Busby Berkeley|Bubsy Berkeley]], except that the Berkeley girls never had to supply their own dancing waters, if you get my drift.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-rugrats-movie-1998 Review] of ''[[w:The Rugrats Movie|The Rugrats Movie]]'' (20 November 1998)

* ''[[Showgirls]]'' is the first big-budget "adults only" movie in a few years and, to be sure, it contains so much nudity that the sexy parts are when the girls put on their clothes. It contains no true eroticism, however, and that's why I think it reflects a grounding in sexual fantasy: Eroticism requires a mental connection between two people, while masturbation requires only the other person's image.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/showgirls-1995 Review] of ''[[Showgirls]]'' (22 September 1995)

* ''Troy'' is based on the epic poem ''[[w:The Iliad|The Iliad]]'' by [[Homer]], according to the credits. Homer's estate should sue.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/troy-2004 Review] of ''[[Troy (film)|Troy]]'' (14 May 2004)

* [[w:Philip Kaufman|Philip Kaufman's]] ''Twisted'' walks like a thriller and talks like a thriller, but it squawks like a turkey. But back to ''[[w:deus ex machina|deus ex machina]]''. This is a phrase you will want to study and master, not merely to amaze friends during long bus journeys but because it so perfectly describes what otherwise might take you thousands of words. Imagine a play on a stage. The hero is in a fix. The dragon is breathing fire, his sword is broken, his leg is broken, his spirit is broken, and the playwright's imagination is broken. Suddenly there is the offstage noise of the grinding of gears, and invisible machinery lowers a god onto the stage, who slays the dragon, heals the hero, and fires the playwright. He is the "god from the machine."
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/twisted-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Twisted (2004 film)|Twisted]]'' (27 February 2004)

* ''Valentine's Day'' is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/valentines-day-2010 Review] of ''[[w:Valentine's Day (film)|Valentine's Day]]'' (10 February 2010)

* There are few lonelier sights than a good comedian being funny in a movie that doesn't know what funny is.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/wedding-crashers-2005 Review] of ''[[Wedding Crashers]]'' (14 July 2005)

==== One-and-a-half star reviews ====

* ''[[w:Basic Instinct 2|Basic Instinct 2]]'' is not good in any rational or defensible way, but not bad in irrational and indefensible ways. I savored the icy abstraction of the modern architecture, which made the people look like they came with the building. I grinned at [[w:30 St Mary Axe|that absurd phallic skyscraper]] that really does exist in London. I liked the recklessness of the sex-and-speed sequence that opens the movie (and, curiously, looks to have been shot in Chicago). I could appreciate the plot once I accepted that it was simply jerking my chain. You can wallow in it … '''Footnote No. 2:''' My 1-1/2-star rating is like a cold shower, designed to take my mind away from giving it four stars.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/basic-instinct-2-2006 Review] of ''[[w:Basic Instinct 2|Basic Instinct 2]]'' (31 March 2006)

* The movie stars [[w:Michelle Pfeiffer|Michelle Pfeiffer]] as [[w:LouAnne Johnson|LouAnne Johnson]]... [h]er teaching methods are inventive. She bribes them with candy bars and free trips to amusement parks, and involves them in the words of that important poet, [[Bob Dylan]] (the Tambourine Man might have been a drug dealer!). Soon they're in the school library, finding connections between Bob Dylan and [[Dylan Thomas]]... [w]hat, exactly, will these disadvantaged inner-city kids accomplish by being bribed with candy bars and the "[[relevancy]]" of Bob Dylan? Can they read and write? Can they compete in the job market? An educational system that has brought them to the point we observe in the first classroom scene has already failed them so miserably that all of Miss Johnson's karate lessons are not going to be much help.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/dangerous-minds-1995 Review of] ''[[w:Dangerous Minds|Dangerous Minds]]'' (11 August 1995)

* In the upstairs bedroom, old Ann dies very slowly, remembering the events of the long-ago wedding night and the next morning...She is attended by a nurse with an Irish accent ([[w:Eileen Atkins|Eileen Atkins]]), who sometimes prompts her: "Remember a happy time!" Dissolve to Ann's memory of a happy time. It is so mundane that if it qualifies as a high point in her life, it compares with [[Paris Hilton]] remembering a good stick of gum.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/evening-2007 Review] of ''[[w:Evening (film)|Evening]]'' (29 June 2007)

* There's one thing to be said for a remake of a [[Footloose|1984 movie]] that uses the original's screenplay. This 2011 version is so similar — sometimes song for song and line for line — that I was wickedly tempted to reprint [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/footloose-1984 my 1984 review], word for word. But That Would be Wrong.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/footloose-2011 Review] of ''[[w:Footloose (2011 film)|Footloose]]'' (12 October 2011)

* Here is a Civil War movie that [[Trent Lott]] might enjoy. Less enlightened than ''[[Gone with the Wind (film)|Gone with the Wind]]'', obsessed with military strategy, impartial between South and North, religiously devout, it waits 70 minutes before introducing the first of its two speaking roles for African Americans; [[Stonewall Jackson|"Stonewall" Jackson]] assures his black cook that the South will free him, and the cook looks cautiously optimistic. If World War II were handled this way, there'd be hell to pay.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/gods-and-generals-2003 Review] of ''[[w:Gods and Generals (film)|Gods and Generals]]'' (21 February 2003)

* Going to see ''Godzilla'' at the Palais of the [[w:Cannes Film Festival|Cannes Film Festival]] is like attending a satanic ritual in [[w:St. Peter's Basilica|St. Peter's Basilica]]. It's a rebuke to the faith that the building represents. Cannes touchingly adheres to a belief that film can be intelligent, moving and grand. ''Godzilla'' is a big, ugly, ungainly device to give teenagers the impression they are seeing a movie. It was the festival's closing film, coming at the end like the horses in a parade, perhaps for the same reason.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/godzilla-1998 Review] of ''[[w:Godzilla (1998 film)|Godzilla]]'' (26 May 1998)

* ''Immortals'' is without doubt the best-looking awful movie you will ever see. [[w:Eiko Ishioka|Eiko Ishioka]]'s costume designs alone deserve an [[w:Academy Award for Best Costume Design|Oscar nomination]]. "They weren't at all historically accurate," grumbled a woman in the elevator after the sneak preview, as if lots of documentation exists about the wardrobes of the gods. She added: "I guess that's what we deserve for using free tickets we got at a [[w:Chicago Blackhawks|Blackhawks]] game."
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/immortals-2011 Review] of ''[[w:Immortals (2011 film)|Immortals]]'' (9 November 2011)

* I saw ''The Lonely Guy'' all by myself. It was one of those Saturday afternoons where the snow is coming down gray and mean, and you can't even get a decent recorded message on the answering machines of strangers … "Good luck," an usher told me. "You're going to need it." He was right … ''The Lonely Guy'' is the kind of movie that seems to have been made to play in empty theaters on overcast January afternoons … [It] is the kind of movie that inspires you to distract yourself by counting the commercial products visible on the screen, and speculating about whether their manufacturers paid fees to have them worked into the movie. I counted two Diet 7-Ups, two Tabs, and [[Steve Martin]].
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-lonely-guy-1984 Review] of ''[[w:The Lonely Guy|The Lonely Guy]]'' (1 January 1984)

* I was noodling around Rotten Tomatoes, trying to determine who played the bank's security chief, and noticed the movie had not yet been reviewed by anybody. Hold on! In the "Forum" section for this movie, "islandhome" wrote at 7:58 a.m. Jan. 8: "review of this movie … tonight i'll post." At 11:19 a.m. Jan. 10, "islandhome" was finally back with the promised review. It is written without capital letters, flush left like a poem, and I quote it verbatim, spelling and all:
::''hello sorry i slept when i got back''
::''well it was kinda fun''
::''it could never happen in the way it was portraid''
::''but what ever its a movie''
::''for the girls most will like it''
::''and the men will not mind it much''
::''i thought it was going to be kinda like how to beat the high cost of living''
::''kinda the same them but not as much fun''
::''ill give it a 4 0ut of 10''
:I read this twice, three times. I had been testing out various first sentences for my own review, but somehow the purity and directness of islandhome's review undercut me. It is so final. "for the girls most will like it/and the men will not mind it much." How can you improve on that? It's worthy of [[Charles Bukowski]]. ...The bottom line is some girls will like it, the men not so much, and I give it 1½ stars out of 4.
:* [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/mad-money-2008 Review] of ''[[w:Mad Money (film)|Mad Money]]'' (17 January 2008)

* ''Clerks'' spoke with the sure, clear voice of an original filmmaker. In ''Mallrats'' the voice is muffled, and we sense instead advice from the tired, the establishment, the timid and other familiar Hollywood executive types. The year that ''Clerks'' played [[w:1994 Cannes Film Festival|at the Cannes Film Festival]], I was the chairman of a panel discussion of independent filmmakers. Most of them talked about their battles to stay free from Hollywood's playsafe strategies. But Kevin Smith cheerfully said he'd be happy to do whatever the studios wanted, if they'd pay for his films. At the time, I thought he was joking.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/mallrats-1995 Review] of ''[[Mallrats]]'' (20 October 1995)

* We can laugh at comedies like this for two reasons: Because we feel superior to the characters, or because we pity or like them. I do not much like laughing down at people, which is why the comedies of [[Adam Sandler]] make me squirmy (most people, I know, laugh because they like him). In the case of Napoleon Dynamite, I certainly don't like him, but then the movie makes no attempt to make him likable. Truth is, it doesn't even try to be a comedy. It tells his story and we are supposed to laugh because we find humor the movie pretends it doesn't know about.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/napoleon-dynamite-2004 Review] of ''[[Napoleon Dynamite]]'' (18 June 2004)

* They say baseball is popular because everyone thinks they can play it. Similar reasoning may explain the popularity of the [[w:Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen|Olsen twins]]: Teenage girls love them because they believe they could ''be'' them. What, after all, do Mary-Kate and Ashley do in ''New York Minute'' that could not be done by any reasonably presentable female adolescent? Their careers are founded not on what they do, but on the vicarious identification of their fans, who enjoy seeing two girls making millions for doing what just about anybody could do.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/new-york-minute-2004 Review] of ''[[w:New York Minute (film)|New York Minute]]'' (7 May 2004)

* ''Pearl Harbor'' is a two-hour movie squeezed into three hours, about how on December 7, 1941, the Japanese staged a surprise attack on an American love triangle. Its centerpiece is 40 minutes of redundant special effects, surrounded by a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision, or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialog, it will not be because you admire them.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/pearl-harbor-2001 Review] of ''[[w:Pearl Harbor (film)|Pearl Harbor]]'' (25 May 2001)

* It's like the high school production of something you saw at [[w:Steppenwolf Theatre Company|Steppenwolf]], with the most gifted students in drama class playing the [[w:John Malkovich|John Malkovich]] and [[w:Joan Allen|Joan Allen]] roles.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-pink-panther-2006 Review] of ''[[The Pink Panther (2006 film)|The Pink Panther]]'' (10 February 2006)

* Attending this new version, I felt oddly as if I were watching a provincial stock company doing the best it could without the Broadway cast. I was reminded of the child prodigy who was summoned to perform for a famous pianist. The child climbed onto the piano stool and played something by Chopin with great speed and accuracy. The great musician then patted the child on the head and said, 'You can play the notes. Someday, you may be able to play the music.'
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/psycho-1998 Review] of ''[[Psycho (1998 film)|Psycho]]'' (6 December 1998)

* Here's a movie that stretches out every moment for more than it's worth, until even the moments of inspiration seem forced. Since the basic idea of the movie is a good one and there are talented people in the cast, what we have here is a film shot down by its own forced and mannered style.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/raising-arizona-1987 Review] of ''[[Raising Arizona]]'' (20 March 1987)

* These aren't nerds. They're a bunch of interesting guys, and that's the problem with ''Revenge of the Nerds II''. The movie doesn't have the nerve to be about real nerds. It hedges its bets. A nerd is not a nerd because he understands computers and wears a plastic pen protector in his shirt pocket. A nerd is a nerd because he brings a special lack of elegance to life. An absence of style. An inability to notice the feelings of other people. A nerd is a nerd from the inside out, which is something the nerds who made this movie will never understand.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/revenge-of-the-nerds-ii-nerds-in-paradise-1987 Review] of ''[[w:Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise|Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise]] (13 July 1987)

* I know aliens from other worlds are required to arrive in New Mexico, but why stay there?
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/thor-2011 Review] of ''[[Thor (film)|Thor]]'' (10 May 2011)

==== One-star reviews ====
* I remember when hard-core first became commonplace, and there were discussions about what it would be like if a serious director ever made a porn movie. The answer, judging by ''Anatomy of Hell,'' is that the audience would decide they did not require such a serious director after all.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/anatomy-of-hell-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Anatomy of Hell|Anatomy of Hell]]'' (12 November 2004)

* Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. ''Armageddon'' is cut together like its own highlights. Take almost any 30 seconds at random, and you'd have a TV ad. The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be entertained. '''No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/armageddon-1998 Review] of ''[[w:Armageddon (film)|Armageddon]]'' (1 July 1998)

* So OK. Let’s say you know the novel, you agree with Ayn Rand, you’re an objectivist or a libertarian, and you’ve been waiting eagerly for this movie. Man, are you going to get a letdown. It’s not enough that a movie agree with you, in however an incoherent and murky fashion. It would help if it were like, you know, entertaining?
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/atlas-shrugged-2011 Review] of ''[[w: Atlas Shrugged: Part I|Atlas Shrugged: Part I]]'' (14 April 2011)

* ''[[Blue Velvet (film)|Blue Velvet]]'' contains scenes of such raw emotional energy that it's easy to understand why some critics have hailed it as a masterpiece. A film this painful and wounding has to be given special consideration. And yet those scenes of stark sexual despair are the tipoff to what's wrong with the movie. They're so strong that they deserve to be in a movie that is sincere, honest and true. But ''Blue Velvet'' surrounds them with a story that's marred by sophomoric satire and cheap shots. [[w:David Lynch|The director]] is either denying the strength of his material or trying to defuse it by pretending it's all part of a campy in-joke. … What's worse? Slapping somebody around, or standing back and finding the whole thing funny?
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/blue-velvet-1986 Review] of ''[[Blue Velvet]]'' (19 September 1986)

*''The Bucket List'' is a movie about two old codgers who are nothing like people, both suffering from cancer that is nothing like cancer, and setting off on adventures that are nothing like possible. I urgently advise hospitals: Do not make the DVD available to your patients; there may be an outbreak of bedpans thrown at TV screens.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-bucket-list-2008 Review] of ''[[w:The Bucket List|The Bucket List]]'' (10 January 2008)

* The director, whose name is Pitof, was probably issued with two names at birth and would be wise to use the other one on his next project.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/catwoman-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Catwoman (film)|Catwoman]]'' (23 July 2004)

* I've been reviewing movies for a long time, and I can't think of one that more dramatically shoots itself in the foot.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/diary-of-a-mad-black-woman-2005 Review] of ''[[w:Diary of a Mad Black Woman|Diary of a Mad Black Woman]]'' (25 February 2005)

* The result is a horrible mess of a movie, without shape, trajectory or purpose — a one joke movie, if it had one joke. The two characters wander witlessly past the bizarre backdrops of Las Vegas (some real, some hallucinated, all interchangeable) while zonked out of their minds. Humor depends on attitude. Beyond a certain point, you don't have an attitude, you simply inhabit a state. I've heard a lot of funny jokes about drunks and druggies, but these guys are stoned beyond comprehension, to the point where most of their dialog could be paraphrased as "eh?"… As for [[Johnny Depp|Depp]], what was he thinking he made this movie? He was once in trouble for trashing a New York hotel room, just like the heroes of ''Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas''. What was that? Research? After [[River Phoenix]] died of an overdose outside Depp's club, you wouldn't think Depp would see much humor in this story — but then, of course, there *isn't* much humor in this story.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/fear-and-loathing-in-las-vegas-1998 Review] of ''[[Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (film)|Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas]]'' (22 May 1998)

* Last year, I reviewed a [[w:Taiga (film)|nine-hour documentary]] about the lives of Mongolian yak herdsmen, and I would rather see it again than sit through ''The Frighteners.''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-frighteners-1996 Review] of ''[[w:The Frighteners|The Frighteners]]'' (19 July 1996)

* There is a word for this movie, and that word is: Ick.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/good-luck-chuck-2007 Review] of ''[[w:Good Luck Chuck|Good Luck Chuck]]'' (21 September 2007)

* ''[[w:I Am Curious (Yellow)|I Am Curious (Yellow)]]'' is not merely not erotic. It is anti-erotic. Two hours of this movie will drive thoughts of sex out of your mind for weeks. See the picture and buy twin beds... I think there actually is a director in Sweden who is dull and square enough to seriously consider this an art of moviemaking.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/i-am-curious-yellow-1969 Review] of ''I Am Curious (Yellow)'' (23 September 1969)

* The best shot in this film is the first one. Not a good sign... After the screening was over and the lights went up, I observed a couple of my colleagues in deep and earnest conversation, trying to resolve twists in the plot. They were applying more thought to the movie than the makers did. A critic's mind is a terrible thing to waste.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/i-know-what-you-did-last-summer-1997 Review] of ''[[w:I Know What You Did Last Summer|I Know What You Did Last Summer]]'' (17 October 1997)

* They say state-of-the-art special effects can create the illusion of anything on the screen, and now we have proof: It's possible for the [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] folks and [[w:Industrial Light & Magic|Industrial Light and Magic]] to put their heads together and come up with the most repulsive single creature in the history of special effects, and I am not forgetting the [[w:Chucky (Child's Play)|Chucky doll]] or the desert intestine from ''[[Star wars]]''. To see the snowman is to dislike the snowman. It doesn't look like a snowman, anyway.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/jack-frost-1998 Review] of ''[[w:Jack Frost (1998 film)|Jack Frost]]'' (11 December 1998)

* In this business one becomes a connoisseur. I can now see that [[Jim Carrey|[Jim] Carrey]] is a virtuoso, [[w:Chris Farley|[Chris] Farley]] is at least hard-working, [[Adam Sandler|[Adam] Sandler]] is hopeless and [[w:Pauly Shore|Pauly Shore]] bypasses all categories to achieve a kind of transcendent fingernails-on-the-blackboard effect. His appeal must be limited to people whose self-esteem and social skills are so damaged that they find humor, or at least relief, in at last encountering a movie character less successful than themselves.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/jury-duty-1995 Review] of ''[[w:Jury Duty (film)|Jury Duty]]'' (12 April 1995)

* ...in ''New Year's Eve'', we look out over the surging throng of ecstatic celebrants, and the sea of humanity is blue. They're all wearing freebie hats from [[w:Nivea|Nivea skin creme]]. No hats for the [[w:New York Knicks|Knicks]], [[w:Budweiser (Anheuser-Busch)|Budweiser]] or [[w:I Love New York|I Heart [sic] New York]]. All Nivea skin creme. Countless hats of Nivea blue. I've heard of product placement, but this is carpet bombing.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/new-years-eve-2011 Review] of ''[[w:New Year's Eve (film)|New Year's Eve]]'' (7 December 2011)

* Terri ([[Hilary Duff]])'s new roommate is Denise (Dana Davis), who plans to work hard for a scholarship, and resents Terri as a distraction. Sizing up Terri's wardrobe and her smile, she tells her: "You're like some kind of retro [[The Brady Bunch|Brady Buncher]]." I hate it when a movie contains its own review.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/raise-your-voice-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Raise Your Voice|Raise Your Voice]]'' (8 October 2004)

* I would rather eat a golf ball than see this movie again.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/seven-days-in-utopia-2011 Review] of ''[[w:Seven Days in Utopia|Seven Days in Utopia]]'' (31 August 2011)

* Reader, I must confess that while attending the sneak preview with its overwhelmingly female audience, I was gob-smacked by the delightful cleavage on display. Do women wear their lowest-cut frocks for each other?
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/sex-and-the-city-2-2010 Review] of ''[[Sex and the City 2]]'' (25 May 2010)

* Remember the words [[George Carlin]] said could not be said on TV? There's now a kind of movie that cannot be made without using all of them except one. Even the online trailer may startle you. It's one of those adults-only Red Band Trailers which you have to give your age in order to view. I lied about my age. Nobody under 17 would ever do that.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-sitter-2011 Review] of ''[[w:The Sitter|The Sitter]]'' (7 December 2011)

* It's the worst kind of bad film: the kind that gets you all worked up and then lets you down, instead of just being lousy from the first shot.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/snake-eyes-1998 Review] of ''[[w:Snake Eyes (film)|Snake Eyes]]'' (7 August 1998)

* But now here is the director's cut, which is 20 minutes shorter, lops off a couple of characters and a few of the infinite subplots, and is even more of a mess. I recommend that [[w:Richard Kelly (director)|Kelly]] keep right on cutting until he whittles it down to a ukulele pick.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/southland-tales-2007 Review] of ''[[Southland Tales]]'' (16 November 2007)

* If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination... The movie has been signed by Michael Bay. This is the same man who directed ''[[w:The Rock (film)|The Rock]]'' in 1996. Now he has made ''Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.'' [[Faust]] made a better deal.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/transformers-revenge-of-the-fallen-2009 Review] of ''[[Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen]]'' (23 June 2009)

* The characters in this movie should be arrested for loitering with intent to moan. Never have teenagers been in greater need of a jump-start. Granted some of them are more than 100 years old, but still: their charisma is by Madame Tussaud. ''[[The Twilight Saga: New Moon]]'' takes the tepid achievement of ''Twilight'' (2008), guts it, and leaves it for undead. You know you're in trouble with a sequel when the word of mouth advises you to see the first movie twice instead. Obviously the characters all have. Long opening stretches of this film make utterly no sense unless you walk in knowing the first film, and hopefully both Stephanie Meyer novels, by heart. Edward and Bella spend murky moments glowering at each other and thinking, So, here we are again.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-twilight-saga-new-moon-2009 Review] of ''[[The Twilight Saga: New Moon]]'' (18 November 2009)

* ''Wild Wild West'' is a comedy dead zone. You stare in disbelief as scenes flop and die. The movie is all concept and no content; the elaborate special effects are like watching money burn on the screen. You know something has gone wrong when a story is about two heroes in the Old West, and the last shot is of a mechanical spider riding off into the sunset.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/wild-wild-west-1999 Review] of ''[[w:Wild Wild West|Wild Wild West]]'' (30 June 1999)

* ''Your Highness'' is a juvenile excrescence that feels like the work of 11-year-old boys in love with dungeons, dragons, warrior women, pot, boobs and four-letter words. One of the heroes even wears the penis of a minotaur on a string around his neck. I hate it when that happens.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/your-highness-2011 Review] of ''[[w:Your Highness|Your Highness]]'' (April 6, 2011)

* There have been articles lately asking why the United States is so hated in some parts of the world. As this week's Exhibit A from Hollywood, I offer ''[[Zoolander]]'', a comedy about a plot to assassinate the prime minister of Malaysia because of his opposition to child labor. You might want to read that sentence twice. The logic: Child labor is necessary to the economic health of the fashion industry, and so its opponents must be eliminated...if the Malaysians made a comedy about the assassination of the president of the United States because of his opposition to slavery, it would seem approximately as funny to us as ''Zoolander'' would seem to them.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/zoolander-2001 Review] of ''Zoolander'' (28 September 2001)

==== Half-star reviews ====
* If you plan to miss this movie, better miss it quickly; I doubt if it'll be around to miss for long.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/americathon-1979 Review] of ''[[w:Americathon|Americathon]]'' (1 January 1979)

* The dialogue consists almost entirely of terse screams: ''Watch it! Incoming! Move! Look out! Fire! Move!'' The only characters I remember having four sentences in a row are the anchors on cable news. … Young men: If you attend this crap with friends who admire it, tactfully inform them they are idiots. Young women: If your date likes this movie, tell him you've been thinking it over, and you think you should consider spending some time apart.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/battle-los-angeles-2011 Review] of ''[[w:Battle: Los Angeles|Battle: Los Angeles]]'' (9 March 2011)

* ''Battlefield Earth'' is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way. The visuals are grubby and drab. The characters are unkempt and have rotten teeth. Breathing tubes hang from their noses like ropes of snot. The soundtrack sounds like the boom mike is being slammed against the inside of a 55-gallon drum. The plot. … Some movies run off the rails. This one is like the train crash in ''[[w:The Fugitive (1993 film)|The Fugitive]]''. I watched it in mounting gloom, realizing I was witnessing something historic, a film that for decades to come will be the punch line of jokes about bad movies.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/battlefield-earth-2000 Review] of ''[[w:Battlefield Earth (film)|Battlefield Earth]]'' (12 May 2000)

* The movie is being revived around the country for midnight cult showings. Midnight is not late enough.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-beyond-1998 Review] of ''[[w:The Beyond (film)|The Beyond]]'' (3 July 1998)

* ''Boat Trip'' arrives preceded by publicity saying many homosexuals have been outraged by the film. Now that it's in theaters, everybody else has a chance to join them. Not that the film is outrageous. That would be asking too much. It is dim-witted, unfunny, too shallow to be offensive, and way too conventional to use all of those people standing around in the background wearing leather and chains and waiting hopefully for their cues. This is a movie made for nobody, about nothing.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/boat-trip-2003 Review] of ''[[w:Boat Trip|Boat Trip]]'' (21 March 2003)

* Nobody is going to ''Bolero'' for the plot anyway. They're going for the Good Parts. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of ''Bolero'' is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/bolero-1984 Review] of ''[[w:Bolero (1984 film)|Bolero]]'' (1 January 1984)

* [[Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]] said a movie should play the audience like a piano. ''Death Race'' played me like a drum. It is an assault on all senses, including common. Walking out, I had the impression I had just seen the video game and was still waiting for the movie.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/death-race-2008 Review] of ''[[w:Death Race (movie)|Death Race]]'' (22 August 2008)

* Only enormously talented people could have made ''[[w:Death to Smoochy|Death to Smoochy]]''. Those with lesser gifts would have lacked the nerve to make a film so bad, so miscalculated, so lacking any connection with any possible audience.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/death-to-smoochy-2002 Review] of ''[[w:Death to Smoochy|Death to Smoochy]]'' (29 March 2002)

* This movie is not merely bad, but incompetent. I get tapes in the mail from 10th graders that are better made than this... I have often asked myself, "What would it look like if the characters in a movie were animatronic puppets created by aliens with an imperfect mastery of human behavior?" Now I know.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/friends-and-lovers-1999 Review] of ''[[w:Friends & Lovers (film)|Friends & Lovers]]'' (30 April 1999)

* "This sucks on so many levels." — Dialogue from "Jason X" Rare for a movie to so frankly describe itself. "Jason X" sucks on the levels of storytelling, character development, suspense, special effects, originality, punctuation, neatness and aptness of thought.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/jason-x-2002 Review] of ''[[w:Jason X|Jason X]]'' (26 April 2002)

* The movie stars six teenage characters who have been marketed on TV and in toy stores. They have names, but no discernible personalities. None of them ever says anything more interesting than "You guys!" As teenagers, they are skilled in-line skaters and karate fighters, but they don't get their real powers until they turn into faceless clones in Power Rangers uniforms with plastic masks and helmets. Is that the message? Faceless conformity is the way to success? Certainly the Rangers are not individuals in or out of uniform, but I wonder if they don't represent a triumph of merchandising over creativity. Children's heroes have traditionally been individualistic and eccentric. The Rangers are not, properly speaking, even characters. They are color-coded products...Paging through the movie's press kit, I came across this quote attributed to Amy Jo Johnson, who plays Kimberly, the Pink Power Ranger: " `Mighty Morphin Power Rangers™: The Movie' is a mix between ''[[Star Wars]]'' and ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]''. " I wonder if Amy Jo actually said "TM" when she was delivering that wonderfully fresh and spontaneous quote, which is so much more involved than anything she says in the movie. More to the point, I wonder if she has ever seen "Star Wars" or "The Wizard of Oz."
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/mighty-morphin-power-rangers-the-movie-1995 Review] of ''[[w:Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie|Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie]]'' (30 June 1995)

* Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie, do not let them date your children.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/resident-evil-apocalypse-2004 Review] of ''[[w:Resident Evil: Apocalypse|Resident Evil: Apocalypse]]'' (10 September 2004)

* Some of the acting is better than the film deserves. Make that all of the acting. Actually, the film stock itself is better than the film deserves. You know when sometimes a film catches fire inside a projector? If it happened with this one, I suspect the audience might cheer.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/revolver-2007 Review] of ''[[w:Revolver (film)|Revolver]]'' (7 December 2007)

* ''[[w:Rollerball (2002 film)|Rollerball]]'' is an incoherent mess, a jumble of footage in search of plot, meaning, rhythm and sense. There are bright colors and quick movement on the screen, which we can watch as a visual pattern that, in entertainment value, falls somewhere between a kaleidoscope and a lava lamp.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/rollerball-2002 Review] of the 2002 film ''[[w:Rollerball (2002 film)|Rollerball]]'' (8 February 2002)

* ''[[w:Saving Silverman|Saving Silverman]]'' is so bad in so many different ways that perhaps you should see it, as an example of the lowest slopes of the bell-shaped curve. This is the kind of movie that gives even its defenders fits of desperation. Consider my friend [[James Berardinelli]], the best of the Web-based critics. No doubt 10 days of oxygen deprivation at the Sundance Film Festival helped inspire his three-star review, in which he reports optimistically, "''Saving Silverman''" has its share of pratfalls and slapstick moments, but there's almost no flatulence." Here's a critical rule of thumb: You know you're in trouble when you're reduced to praising a movie for its absence of fart jokes, and have to add "almost"… as for [[w:Neil Diamond|Neil Diamond]], ''Saving Silverman'' is his first appearance in a fiction film since ''[[w:The Jazz Singer (1980 film)|The Jazz Singer]]'', and one can only marvel that he waited 20 years to appear in a second film, and found one even worse than his first one.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/saving-silverman-2001 Review] of ''[[w:Saving Silverman|Saving Silverman]]'' (9 February 2001)

* The [[Spice Girls]] are easier to tell apart than the [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]], but that is small consolation: What can you say about five women whose principal distinguishing characteristic is that they have different names? They occupy ''Spice World'' as if they were watching it: They're so detached they can't even successfully lip-synch their own songs. During a rehearsal scene, their director tells them, with such truth that we may be hearing a secret message from the screenwriter, "That was absolutely perfect — without being actually any good." ''Spice World'' is obviously intended as a ripoff of ''[[w:A Hard Day's Night (film)|A Hard Day's Night]]'' which gave [[The Beatles]] to the movies...the huge difference, of course, is that the Beatles were talented — while, let's face it, the Spice Girls could be duplicated by any five women under the age of 30 standing in line at [[w:Dunkin' Donuts|Dunkin' Donuts]].
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/spice-world-1998 Review] of ''[[Spice World]]'' (23 January 1998)

* It amazes me that filmmakers will still film, and audiences will still watch, relationships so bankrupt of human feeling that the characters could be reading dialogue written by a computer.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/summer-school-1987 Review] of ''[[w:Summer School (film)|Summer School]]'' (22 July 1987)

* There is a scene in this film where a character is defecated on by several people at the same time, and I dunno … I didn't enjoy it.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/tim-and-erics-billion-dollar-movie-2012 Review] of ''[[w:Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie|Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie]]'' (29 February 2012)

==== Zero star reviews ====
* ''Caligula'' is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. '''If it is not the worst film I have ever seen, that makes it all the more shameful: People with talent allowed themselves to participate in this travesty.''' Disgusted and unspeakably depressed, I walked out of the film after two hours of its 170-minute length. That was on Saturday night, as a line of hundreds of people stretched down Lincoln Ave., waiting to pay $7.50 apiece to become eyewitnesses to shame..."This movie," said the lady in front of me at the drinking fountain, "is the worst piece of shit I have ever seen."
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/caligula-1980 Review] of ''[[w:Caligula (film)|Caligula]]'' (22 September 1980)

* ''Chaos'' is ugly, nihilistic, and cruel -- a film I regret having seen. I urge you to avoid it. Don't make the mistake of thinking it's 'only' a horror film, or a slasher film. It is an exercise in heartless cruelty and it ends with careless brutality. The movie denies not only the value of life, but the possibility of hope.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/chaos-2005 Review] of ''[[w:Chaos (2005 Dominion film)|Chaos]]'' (11 August 2005)

* ''Deuce Bigalow'' is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes. … Does this sound like a movie you want to see? It sounds to me like a movie that Columbia Pictures and the film's producers … should be discussing in long, sad conversations with their inner child. The movie created a spot of controversy... Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the ''Los Angeles Times'' listed [2004's] Best Picture nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved, and turned down flat by most of the same studios that … bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to ''Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo'', a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic." Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in ''Daily Variety'' and the ''Hollywood Reporter''. In an open letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind. … Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers..." As chance would have it, I ''have'' won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. '''Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks.'''"
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/deuce-bigalow-european-gigolo-2005 Review] of ''[[w:Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo|Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo]]''

* A burning at the stake, an afternoon in the rack, headscrews, a douche with boiling water, nails into hands, induced vomiting, ripped tongues, dead babes, human target practice, possession by devils, rape, transvestism, nude orgies in the nunnery. Put them all together and they spell Committed Art, because these are modern times and I certainly hope none of us is opposed to truth.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-devils Review] of ''[[w:The Devils (film)|The Devils]]'' (1 January 1971)

* Crowds can be frightening. They have a way of impressing the low, base taste upon their members. '''Watching the way thousands of people in his audience could not think for themselves, could not find the courage to allow their ordinary feelings of decency and taste to prevail, I understood better how demagogues are possible.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/dice-rules-1991 Review] of ''[[w:Dice Rules|Dice Rules]]'' (17 May 1991)

* ''Dirty Love'' wasn't written and directed, it was committed. Here is a film so pitiful, it doesn't rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent... I am not certain that anyone involved has ever seen a movie, or knows what one is.
** [http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20050922/REVIEWS/509220303/1023 Review] of ''[[w:Dirty Love|Dirty Love]]'' (23 September 2005)

* The movie opens as the drifter "inadvertently" (Araki's word, in the press kit) blows off the head of a Korean convenience store owner... It continues as the "enigmatic Xavier" (I am again quoting from the wonderfully revealing press kit) "has such rotten karma that every time they stop the car for fries and Diet Cokes, someone ends up dying in one gruesome way or another." Wait, there's more: "As the youthful band of outsiders continues their travels through the wasteland of America, Amy finds herself (having sex with) both Jordan and Xavier, forging a triangle of love, sex and desperation too pure for this world." Now let's deconstruct that. (1) The correct word is "its," not "their." (2) "Band of outsiders" is an insider reference to A Band Apart," the name of [[Quentin Tarantino]]'s production company, which itself is a pun on the title of [[w:Bande à part (film)|a film]] by [[Jean-Luc Godard|Godard]]. (3) Is it remotely possible that America is a "wasteland" because Amy, Jordan and Xavier kill someone every time they stop for fries and a soda? That wouldn't have occurred to this movie. (4) The clause "someone ends up dying" is a passive way to avoid saying that the three characters kill them. '''This is precisely the same construction used by many serial killers and heads of state, who use language to separate themselves from the consequences of their actions.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-doom-generation-1995 Review] of ''[[w:The Doom Generation|The Doom Generation]]'' (10 November 1995)

* This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels... The day may come when "Freddy Got Fingered" is seen as a milestone of neo-surrealism. '''The day may never come when it is seen as funny.'''
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/freddy-got-fingered-2001 Review] of ''[[w:Freddy Got Fingered|Freddy Got Fingered]]'' (20 April 2001)

* ''[[w:Guyana: Crime of the Century|Guyana-Cult of the Damned]]'' has crawled out from under a rock and into local theaters, and will do nicely as this week's example of the depths to which people will plunge in search of a dollar. The movie is a gruesome version of the Jonestown massacre of 1978, so badly written and directed it illustrates a simple rule of movie exhibition: If a film is nauseating and reprehensible enough in the first place, it doesn't matter how badly it's made - people will go anyway.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/guyana-cult-of-the-damned-1980 Review] of ''[[w:Guyana: Crime of the Century|Guyana-Cult of the Damned]]'' (29 January 1980)

* I do not often attribute motives to audience members, nor do I try to read their minds, but the people who were sitting around me on Monday morning made it easy for me to know what they were thinking. They talked out loud. And if they seriously believed the things they were saying, they were vicarious sex criminals.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/i-spit-on-your-grave-1980 Review] of ''[[w:I Spit on Your Grave|I Spit on Your Grave]]'' (16 July 1980)

* This despicable [[w:I Spit on Your Grave (2010 film)|remake]] of the despicable 1978 film ''[[w:I Spit on Your Grave|I Spit on Your Grave]]'' adds yet another offense: a phony moral equivalency. In the original, a woman foolishly thought to go on holiday by herself at a secluded cabin. She attracted the attention of depraved local men, who raped her, one after the other. Then the film ended with her fatal revenge. In this film, less time is devoted to the revenge, and more time to verbal, psychological and physical violence against her. Thus it works even better as vicarious cruelty against women.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/i-spit-on-your-grave-2010 Review] of ''[[w:I Spit on Your Grave (2010 film)|I Spit on Your Grave]]'' (6 October 2010)

* This is a plot, if ever there was one, to illustrate [[w:King Lear|King Lear's]] complaint, "As flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods; They kill us for their sport." I am aware this is the second time in two weeks I have been compelled to quote Lear, but there are times when [[Eminem]] simply will not do.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-life-of-david-gale-2003 Review] of ''[[The Life of David Gale]]'' (21 February 2003)

* ''Little Indian, Big City'' is one of the worst movies ever made. I detested every moronic minute of it...if you, under any circumstances, see ''Little Indian, Big City'', I will never let you read one of my reviews again.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/little-indian-big-city-1996 Review] of ''[[w:Un indien dans la ville|Little Indian, Big City]]'' (22 March 1996)

* ''[[w:Mad Dog Time|Mad Dog Time]]'' is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching ''Mad Dog Time'' is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line...''Mad Dog Time'' should be cut into free ukulele picks for the poor.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/mad-dog-time-1996 Review] of ''[[w:Mad Dog Time|Mad Dog Time]]'' (29 November 1996)

* ''[[w:Mandingo (film)|Mandingo]]'' is racist trash, obscene in its manipulation of human beings and feelings, and excruciating to sit through in an audience made up largely of children, as I did last Saturday afternoon. The film has an "R" rating, which didn't keep many kids out, since most came with their parents... if [Chicago] believes ''Mandingo'' should be shown to children, then there are no possible standards left and the only thing to do is transfer the censors to the parks department, where they can supervise paper‑plate‑ throwing contests.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/mandingo-1975 Review] of ''[[w:Mandingo (film)|Mandingo]]'' (25 July 1975)

* I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/north-1994 Review] of ''[[w:North (1994 film)|North]]'' (22 July 1994)

* The vast majority of the members of all religions, I believe and would argue, don't want to kill anybody. They want to love and care for their families, find decent work that sustains life and comfort, live in peace and get along with their neighbors. It is a deviant streak in some humans, I suspect, that drives them toward self-righteous violence, and uses religion as a convenient alibi... I am trying as hard as I can to imagine the audience for this movie. Every time I make any progress, it scares me.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/september-dawn-2007 Review] of ''[[w:September Dawn|September Dawn]]'' (24 August 2007)

* The movie is an exhausted retread of the old campus romance gag where the pretty girl almost believes the lies of the reprehensible schemer, instead of trusting the nice guy who loves her. The only originality the movie brings to this formula is to make it incomprehensible, through the lurching incompetence of its story structure. Details are labored while the big picture remains unpainted... I was appalled by the poverty of its imagination.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/slackers-2002 Review] of ''[[w:Slackers (film)|Slackers]]'' (1 February 2002)

* ''Sour Grapes'' is a comedy about things that aren't funny. It reminded me of ''[[w:Crash (1996 film)|Crash]]'', an erotic thriller about things no one finds erotic. The big difference is that [[w:David Cronenberg|David Cronenberg]], who made ''Crash,'' knew that people were not turned on by auto accidents. [[Larry David]], who wrote and directed ''Sour Grapes'', apparently thinks people are amused by cancer, accidental castration, racial stereotypes and bitter family feuds... The more I think of it, the more ''Sour Grapes'' really does resemble ''Crash'' (except that ''Crash'' was not a bad film). Both movies are like watching automobile accidents. Only one was intended to be.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/sour-grapes-1998 Review] of ''[[w:Sour Grapes (film)|Sour Grapes]]'' (17 April 1998)

* I like good horror movies. They can exorcise our demons. ''The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'' doesn't want to exorcise anything. It wants to tramp crap through our imaginations and wipe its feet on our dreams. I think of filmgoers on a date, seeing this movie and then — what? I guess they'll have to laugh at it, irony being a fashionable response to the experience of being had. … Do yourself a favor. There are a lot of good movies playing right now that can make you feel a little happier, smarter, sexier, funnier, more excited — or more scared, if that's what you want. This is not one of them. Don't let it kill 98 minutes of your life.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-texas-chainsaw-massacre-2003 Review] of ''[[w:The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (film)|The Texas Chainsaw Massacre]]'' (17 October 2003)

* I had a hard time watching ''[[w:Wolf Creek|Wolf Creek]].'' It is a film with one clear purpose: To establish the commercial credentials of its director by showing his skill at depicting the brutal tracking, torture and mutilation of screaming young women. When the killer severs the spine of one of his victims and calls her "a head on a stick," I wanted to walk out of the theater and keep on walking.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/wolf-creek-2005 Review] of ''[[w:Wolf Creek (film)|Wolf Creek]]'' (23 December 2005)

==== No star rating ====

* It is all very well and good for [[w:Linda Lovelace|Linda Lovelace]], the star of the movie, to advocate sexual freedom; but the energy she brings to her role is less awesome than discouraging. If you have to work this hard at sexual freedom, maybe it isn't worth the effort.
** [http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/deep-throat-1973 Review] of ''[[w:Deep Throat (film)|Deep Throat]]'' (6 March 1973)

* I am required to award stars to movies I review. This time, I refuse to do it. The star rating system is unsuited to this film. Is the movie good? Is it bad? Does it matter? It is what it is and occupies a world where the stars don't shine.
**[http://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/the-human-centipede-2010 Review] of ''[[w:The Human Centipede (First Sequence)|The Human Centipede]]'' (5 May 2010)

== Quotes about Ebert ==
[[File:Virginia Theatre Roger Ebert's Film Festival.jpg|thumb|Roger was the movies. When he didn't like a film, he was [[honest]]; when he did, he was effusive — capturing the unique [[power]] of the movies to take us somewhere [[magical]]. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]]
:Alphabetized by author 
[[File:Boutte and Ebert.jpg|thumb|right| Here’s something you don’t hear said about many movie [[critics]]: [[people]] [[love]] Roger Ebert. ~ Rodney Welch]]

* '''Roger Ebert is a national treasure.''' He is the most recognizable and well known movie critic. He has been my favorite writer for some time now. I do not always agree with his [[opinions], which is my right, but he always backs them up. He is not someone who will say that such and such about movie X is bad and leave it at that — he will give the [[reasons]] for his [[thought]] process.
** Chris Beaumont, in [http://blogcritics.org/archives/2006/10/15/001852.php "Roger Ebert's Rehabilitation Going Well" at Blogcritics magazine (15 October 2006)]

* Through his boorish, knee-jerk leftism, Ebert has become merely another Hollywood elitist thumbing his nose at America. Two thumbs down.
** Chris Reed, in [http://www.frontpagemag.com/Articles/ReadArticle.asp?ID=9187 "Roger Ebert: The Shrill Shill" in ''FrontPageMagazine'' (1 August 2003)]

* '''It would not be a stretch to say that Mr. Ebert was the best-known film reviewer of his generation, and one of the most [[Trust|trusted]].''' The [[force]] and [[grace]] of his opinions propelled film criticism into the mainstream of American culture. Not only did he advise moviegoers about what to see, but also how to think about what they saw.
** [[w:Douglas Martin|Douglas Martin]], in [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/05/movies/roger-ebert-film-critic-dies.html?_r=0&pagewanted=all "A Critic for the Common Man" in the ''The New York Times'' (4 April 2013)]

* I was very saddened today to hear of the death of Roger Ebert. '''Roger... has been my favorite film critic since forever. I did not always agree with him, but I always found him insightful and fun to read.''' He was not just a terrific critic, he was a terrific WRITER. .. '''A brilliant man, a good life. I give him two thumbs up.'''
** [[George R. R. Martin]], in [http://grrm.livejournal.com/319625.html RIP Roger Ebert], ''Not A Blog'' (5 April 2013)

* For a generation of Americans — and especially Chicagoans — Roger was the movies. '''When he didn't like a film, he was honest; when he did, he was effusive — capturing the unique power of the movies to take us somewhere [[magical]].'''
** [[Barack Obama]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/05/movies/roger-ebert-film-critic-dies.html?_r=0&pagewanted=all "A Critic for the Common Man" by Douglas Martin in the ''The New York Times'' (4 April 2013)]

* '''Nobody has been more important in telling Americans why we should love film than Roger Ebert.'''
** [[w:Michael Shamberg|Michael Shamberg]], as quoted in [http://www.editorandpublisher.com/eandp/departments/syndicates/article_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003577005 "Roger Ebert Makes First Public Appearance in 10 Months" in ''Editor & Publisher'' (26 April 2007)]

*''' "The movies won’t be the same without Roger," '''the President of the United States said today in a statement upon the [[death]] of Roger Ebert, one of the most influential American writers and critics of the last quarter century. '''He was, to begin, a great film critic, a [[joyful]] viewer who always preached that [[great]] [[art]] and popular entertainment were not exclusive.''' … He was also a great essayist, and the [[world]] now begs some book publisher to come along to bind his best blog posts, if only so they can be preserved by others who loved the printed word as much as he did. '''But most importantly, he celebrated [[humanity]], and the things it creates.'''
** Michael Scherer, in [http://swampland.time.com/2013/04/04/roger-ebert-rip/#ixzz2PhpDI5Ue "Roger Ebert R.I.P." in ''TIME'' magazine (4 April 2013)]

* '''Here’s something you don’t hear said about many movie critics: people love Roger Ebert.''' … There’s a good reason for this: Ebert doesn’t stand between moviegoers and the audience. Rather, his regular readers are serious movie-lovers who see him as their rep, the guy out there fighting to make movies less stupid, more entertaining, more intelligent, more everything. You don’t have to agree with him — and I certainly didn’t in this book, when he ragged on ''Team America'' and ''Jesus is Magic'', two movies where I laughed myself sick — to know that he’s on your side. He sees the bad movies so you don’t have to, and he’s seen the same ones over and over. … Mere bile, though, isn’t his game; he’s as interested in why movies fail as why they work. A lot of the time, it’s obvious: because it’s made by morons for morons. In these cases, Ebert drags us through the plot in as entertaining a fashion as possible. … Forty years on, he’s still a moviegoer’s best friend.
**Rodney Welch, in [http://www.free-times.com/Portlet/Print_Friendly.php?Print=Article&z_Article_ID=11462205071445460 "Worst. Movies. Ever. A review of Roger Ebert's ''Your Movie Sucks''" in ''Free Times'' ]

==External links==
{{wikipedia}}
{{commonscat}}
* [http://www.rogerebert.com/ Roger Ebert official website]
* [http://www.ebertandroeper.tv/ Ebert & Roeper official website]
* [http://www.rogerebert.com/rogers-journal/in-the-meadow-we-can-pan-a-snowman "In the meadow, we can pan a snowman"], (Roger Ebert's Journal), ''Chicago Sun-Times'', 21 December 2008 – Quoting favorite movie pans from his columns, "Thanks to reader Jerry Roberts of Birmingham, Alabama, and WikiQuotes ''[sic]'' for some of these."
* {{nndb name|id=230/000024158|name=Roger Ebert}}
* {{imdb name|id=0001170|name=Roger Ebert}}
* [http://www.rss.hm/ Roger Ebert RSS Feed]
* [http://www.progressive.org/mag_intvebert Progressive Magazine Transcript of Interview with Roger Ebert]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Ebert, Roger}}
[[Category:Critics]]
[[Category:Humanists]]
[[Category:Pulitzer Prize winners]]
[[Category:Screenwriters]]
[[Category:2013 deaths]]
[[Category:People from Illinois]]

List of films (M–O)

2016-04-30T13:08:40Z

Sketchmoose: /* M */ updating link, adding year

__NOTOC__

This is a '''list of films:'''
----
[[List of films (A–C)##|#]] - [[List of films (A–C)#A|A]] -
[[List of films (A–C)#B|B]] - [[List of films (A–C)#C|C]] -
[[List of films (D–F)#D|D]] - [[List of films (D–F)#E|E]] -
[[List of films (D–F)#F|F]] - [[List of films (G–I)#G|G]] -
[[List of films (G–I)#H|H]] - [[List of films (G–I)#I|I]] -
[[List of films (J–L)#J|J]] - [[List of films (J-L)#K|K]] -
[[List of films (J-L)#L|L]] - [[List of films (M-O)#M|M]] -
[[List of films (M-O)#N|N]] - [[List of films (M-O)#O|O]] -
[[List of films (P–S)#P|P]] - [[List of films (P–S)#Q|Q]] -
[[List of films (P–S)#R|R]] - [[List of films (P–S)#S|S]] -
[[List of films (T–V)#T|T]] - [[List of films (T–V)#U|U]] -
[[List of films (T–V)#V|V]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#W|W]] -
[[List of films (W–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Y|Y]] -
[[List of films (W–Z)#Z|Z]]

==Existing==
===M===
*''[[M (1931 film)|M]]'' (1931)
*''[[MacArthur (film)|MacArthur]]''
*''[[Mad Max]]''
*''[[Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior]]''
*''[[Mad Max III: Beyond Thunderdome]]''
*''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005)
*''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]''
*''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]''
*''[[Madea: Family Reunion]]''
*[[The Magnificent Ambersons (film)|''Magnificent Ambersons'', ''The'']]
*[[The Magnificent Seven|''Magnificent Seven'', ''The'']]
*''[[Magnolia]]''
*''[[Major League]]''
*''[[Major Payne]]''
*''[[Malcolm X (film)|Malcolm X]]''
*''[[Mallrats]]''
*[[The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)|''Maltese Falcon, The'']] (1941)
*''[[Mama (2013 film)|Mama]]'' (2013)
*[[A Man for All Seasons (1966 film)|''Man for All Seasons'', ''A'']] (1966)
*[[The Man in the Iron Mask|''Man in the Iron Mask'', ''The'']]
*[[The Man in the Moon|''Man in the Moon'', ''The'']]
*''[[Man of the West]]''
*''[[Man of the Year]]''
*''[[Man on Fire]]''
*''[[Man on the Moon]]''
*''[[Man Who Fell To Earth]]''
*[[The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance|''Man Who Shot Liberty Valance'', ''The'']]
*[[The Man Who Wasn't There|''Man Who Wasn't There'', ''The'']]
*[[The Man with Two Brains|''Man with Two Brains'', ''The'']]
*[[The Manchurian Candidate (1962)|''Manchurian Candidate'', ''The'']] (1962)
*''[[Manhattan (film)|Manhattan]]''
*[[The Manhattan Project (film)|''Manhattan Project'', ''The'']]
*''[[Manhunter]]''
*''[[Mannequin]]''
*''[[Manos: The Hands of Fate]]''
*[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh|''Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh'', ''The'']]
*''[[Margin Call]]''
*''[[Margot at the Wedding]]''
*''[[Marley & Me (film)|Marley & Me]]''
*''[[Marnie (film)|Marnie]]''
*''[[The Martian (film)|Martian, The]]''
*''[[Martin and Lewis (film)|Martin and Lewis]]''
*''[[Marty (film)|Marty]]''
*''[[Mary and Max]]''
*''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]''
*''[[MASH (film)|MASH]]''
*''[[Mask (film)|Mask]]''
*[[The Mask of Zorro|''Mask of Zorro'', ''The'']]
*[[The Master (2012 film)|''Master'', ''The'']] (2012)
*''[[Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World]]''
*''[[Masters of the Universe (film)|Masters of the Universe]]''
*''[[Match Point]]''
*''[[Matewan]]''
*''[[Matilda (film)|Matilda]]''
*[[The Matrix|''Matrix'', ''The'']]
*[[The Matrix Reloaded|''Matrix Reloaded'', ''The'']]
*[[The Matrix Revolutions|''Matrix Revolutions'', ''The'']]
*''[[Maverick (film)|Maverick]]''
*''[[Max Keeble's Big Move]]''
*''[[Max Payne]]''
*''[[The Maze Runner|Maze Runner, The]]''
*''[[Me And You And Everyone We Know]]''
*''[[Me, Myself & Irene]]''
*''[[Mean Girls]]''
*''[[Mean Machine]]''
*''[[Mean Streets]]''
*[[The Meaning of Life|''Meaning of Life'', ''The'']]
*''[[Meatballs (film)|Meatballs]]''
*''[[Meet Dave]]''
*''[[Meet Joe Black]]''
*''[[Meet John Doe]]''
*''[[Meet Me in St. Louis]]''
*''[[Meet the Fockers]]''
*''[[Meet the Parents]]''
*''[[Meet the Robinsons]]''
*''[[Meet the Spartans]]''
*''[[Megamind]]''
*''[[Melancholia]]''
*''[[Melody (1971 film)|Melody]]'' (1971)
*''[[Memento]]''
*''[[Memoirs of a Geisha (film)|Memoirs of a Geisha]]''
*''[[Men in Black]]''
*''[[Men in Black II]]''
*''[[Men in Black 3]]''
*''[[Men of Honor]]''
*[[The Men Who Stare At Goats|''Men Who Stare At Goats'', ''The'']]
*[[The Messenger (2009 film)|''Messenger'', ''The'']] (2009)
*[[John Betjeman#Metro-Land (film, 1973)|''Metro-Land'']] (1973)
*''[[Metropolis (1927 film)|Metropolis]]'' (1927)
*''[[Metropolitan (1990 film)|Metropolitan]]'' (1990)
*''[[Miami Vice (film)|Miami Vice]]''
*''[[Michael Clayton]]''
*''[[Midnight Cowboy]]''
*''[[Midnight Run]]''
*[[A Midsummer Night's Dream (1999 film)|''Midsummer Night's Dream'', ''A'']] (1999)
*''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]''
*[[A Mighty Wind|''Mighty Wind'', ''A'']]
*''[[Mike's New Car]]''
*''[[Mildred Pierce (film)|Mildred Pierce]]''
*''[[Milk]]''
*''[[Millers Crossing]]''
*''[[Million Dollar Baby]]''
*[[The Million Dollar Hotel|''Million Dollar Hotel'', ''The'']]
*[[A Million Ways to Die in the West|''Million Ways to Die in the West'', ''A'']]
*''[[Minority Report (film)|Minority Report]]''
*''[[Miracle (film)|Miracle]]''
*''[[Miracle on 34th Street (1947 film)|Miracle on 34th Street]]'' (1947)
*''[[Miracle on 34th Street (1994 film)|Miracle on 34th Street]]'' (1994)
*[[The Mirror Has Two Faces|''Mirror Has Two Faces'', ''The'']]
*''[[Mirrormask]]''
*''[[Misery (film)|Misery]]''
*''[[Miss Congeniality]]''
*''[[Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous]]''
*''[[Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day]]''
*''[[Missing (film)|Missing]]''
*''[[Mission: Impossible (film)|Mission: Impossible]]''
*''[[Mission: Impossible II]]''
*''[[Mission: Impossible III]]''
*''[[Mission to Mars]]''
*''[[Mississippi Burning]]''
*[[The Mist (film)|''Mist'', ''The'']]
*''[[Mommie Dearest]]''
*''[[Mona Lisa Smile]]''
*[[The Money Pit|''Money Pit'', ''The'']]
*''[[Money Talks]]''
*''[[Moneyball (film)|Moneyball]]''
*''[[Mongol]]''
*''[[Monsters, Inc.]]''
*''[[Monsters University]]''
*''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]''
*''[[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]''
*''[[Moon Child]]''
*''[[Moonlight Mile]]''
*''[[Moonrise Kingdom]]''
*''[[Moonstruck]]''
*[[The Motorcycle Diaries|''Motorcycle Diaries'', ''The'']]
*''[[Moulin Rouge!]]''
*''[[MouseHunt (film)|MouseHunt]]''
*''[[Movie 43]]''
*''[[Mr. Bean's Holiday]]''
*''[[Mr. Brooks]]''
*''[[Mr Death: The Rise & Fall of Fred A Leuchter Jr.]]''
*''[[Mr. Deeds]]''
*''[[Mr. Destiny]]''
*''[[Mr. Holland's Opus]]''
*''[[Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium]]''
*''[[Mr. Mom]]''
*''[[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]]''
*''[[Mr. Peabody & Sherman]]''
*''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]''
*''[[Mrs. Doubtfire]]''
*''[[Mrs. Miniver (film)|Mrs. Miniver]]''
*''[[Mud (2012 film)|Mud]]'' (2012)
*''[[Mulan]]''
*''[[Mulholland Dr.]]''
*''[[Mulholland Falls]]''
*''[[Multiple Maniacs]]''
*[[The Mummy|''Mummy'', ''The'']]
*[[The Mummy Returns|''Mummy Returns'', ''The'']]
*''[[Muppet Treasure Island]]''
*[[The Muppets (film)|''Muppets'', ''The'']]
*''[[Muppets from Space]]''
*[[The Muppet Movie|''Muppets Movie'', ''The'']]
*''[[Music and Lyrics]]''
*''[[Mutiny on the Bounty (1935 film)|Mutiny on the Bounty]]'' (1935)
*''[[Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)|Mutiny on the Bounty]]'' (1962)
*''[[My Best Friend's Wedding]]''
*''[[My Big Fat Greek Wedding]]''
*''[[My Bloody Valentine 3D]]''
*''[[My Blueberry Nights]]''
*''[[My Cousin Vinny]]''
*''[[My Dinner with Andre]]''
*''[[My Fair Lady]]''
*''[[My Favorite Year]]''
*''[[My Girl (film)|My Girl]]''
*''[[My Life Without Me]]''
*''[[My Man Godfrey]]''
*''[[My Own Private Idaho]]''
*''[[My Sassy Girl]]''
*''[[My Super Ex-Girlfriend]]''
*''[[My Super Psycho Sweet 16]]''
*''[[Mystery Men]]''
*''[[Mystery of Mamo]]''

===N===
*''[[Nacho Libre]]''
*''[[Nadja (film)|Nadja]]''
*''[[Naked (film)|Naked]]''
*[[The Naked City|''Naked City'', ''The'']]
*[[The Naked Gun|''Naked Gun'', ''The'']]
*''[[Napoleon Dynamite]]''
*''[[Narc]]''
*''[[Nanny McPhee]]''
*''[[Nashville (film)|Nashville]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's Animal House]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's European Vacation]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's Senior Trip]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's Vacation]]''
*''[[National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation]]''
*''[[National Treasure]]''
*''[[National Treasure: Book of Secrets]]''
*[[The Natural (film)|''Natural'', ''The'']]
*''[[Natural Born Killers]]''
*''[[Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind]]''
*''[[Nebraska (film)|Nebraska]]''
*[[The Negotiator|''Negotiator'', ''The'']]
*''[[Neighbors (1981 film)|Neighbors]]'' (1981)
*''[[Neighbors (2014 film)|Neighbors]]'' (2014)
*[[The Net|''Net'', ''The'']]
*''[[Network (film)|Network]]''
*''[[Never Been Kissed]]''
*''[[Never Give a Sucker an Even Break]]''
*''[[Never Let Me Go (2010 film)|Never Let Me Go]]'' (2010)
*[[The NeverEnding Story (film)|''NeverEnding Story'', ''The'']]
*''[[New Jack City]]''
*''[[New Moon (2009 film)|New Moon]]'' (2009)
*''[[New York, New York (film)|New York, New York]]''
*''[[Newsies]]''
*''[[Next (2007 film)|Next]]'' (2007)
*[[The Next Karate Kid|''Next Karate Kid'', ''The'']]
*''[[Nice Dreams]]''
*''[[Nicholas & Alexandra]]''
*''[[Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist]]''
*''[[Night at the Museum]]''
*''[[Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian]]''
*''[[Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb]]''
*[[A Night at the Opera|''Night at the Opera'', ''A'']]
*[[A Night at The Roxbury|''Night at The Roxbury'', ''A'']]
*''[[Night Moves (film)|Night Moves]]''
*[[The Night of the Hunter (film)|''Night of the Hunter'', ''The'']]
*''[[Night Shift (film)|Night Shift]]''
*[[The Nightmare Before Christmas|''Nightmare Before Christmas'', ''The'']]
*[[A Nightmare on Elm Street (film)|''Nightmare on Elm Street'', ''A'']] (1984)
*[[A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010 film)|''Nightmare on Elm Street'', ''A'']] (2010)
*[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge|''Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge'', ''A'']]
*[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|''Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors'', ''A'']]
*[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master|''Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master'', ''A'']]
*[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child|''Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child'', ''A'']]
*''[[Nim's Island]]''
*[[The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat|''Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat'', ''The'']]
*''[[Nine to Five]]''
*''[[Ninotchka]]''
*''[[No Country for Old Men]]''
*''[[No Way Out (1987 film)|No Way Out]]'' (1987)
*''[[Nobody's Fool]]''
*''[[Norbit]]''
*''[[North (1994 film)|North]]'' (1994)
*''[[North by Northwest]]''
*''[[Not Another Teen Movie]]''
*[[The Notebook|''Notebook'', ''The'']]
*''[[Nosferatu]]''
*''[[Notes on a Scandal (film)|Notes on a Scandal]]''
*''[[Nothing to Lose]]''
*''[[Notorious (film)|Notorious]]''
*''[[Notting Hill]]''
*''[[Now, Voyager]]''
*[[The Number 23|''Number 23'', ''The'']]
*[[The Nutty Professor (1996 film)|''Nutty Professor'', ''The'']] (1996)
*''[[Nutty Professor 2]]''

===O===
*''[[O Brother, Where Art Thou?]]''
*[[The Object of My Affection|''Object of My Affection'', ''The'']]
*''[[Oblivion (2013 film)|Oblivion]]'' (2013)
*''[[Ocean's Eleven|Ocean's Eleven]]'' (2001)
*''[[Ocean's Thirteen]]''
*''[[Ocean's Twelve]]''
*''[[Office Space]]''
*[[An Officer and a Gentleman|''Officer and a Gentleman'', ''An'']]
*''[[Oh, God!]]''
*''[[Oh, God! Book II]]''
*''[[Oh, God! You Devil]]''
*''[[Oklahoma (1955 film)|Oklahoma!]]'' (1955)
*''[[Old School]]''
*''[[Old Yeller]]''
*''[[Oldboy]]''
*''[[Oliver & Company]]''
*[[The Omega Man|''Omega Man'', ''The'']]
*[[The Omen|''Omen'', ''The'']]'' (1976)
*[[The Omen (2006 film)|''Omen'', ''The'']] (2006)
*''[[Omkara]]''
*''[[On Golden Pond (1981 film)|On Golden Pond]]'' (1981)
*''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]''
*''[[On Moonlight Bay]]''
*''[[Once Upon a Time in America]]''
*''[[Once Upon a Time in Mexico]]''
*''[[Once Upon a Time in the West]]''
*''[[Once Were Warriors]]''
*''[[One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)|One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest]]''
*''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]''
*''[[One Magic Christmas]]''
*''[[Only You (1994 film)|Only You]]'' (1994)
*[[The Opening of Misty Beethoven|''Opening of Misty Beethoven'', ''The'']]
*''[[Open Season]]''
*''[[Open Season 2]]''
*''[[Open Water]]''
*''[[Operation Dumbo Drop]]''
*[[The Opposite of Sex|''Opposite of Sex'', ''The'']]
*''[[Orange County (film)|Orange County]]''
*''[[Orgazmo]]''
*''[[Original Sin]]''
*''[[Orphan (film)|Orphan]]''
*''[[Osmosis Jones]]''
*[[The Other Boleyn Girl (film)|''Other Boleyn Girl'', ''The'']]
*[[The Other Guys|''Other Guys'', ''The'']]
*''[[Out of Sight]]''
*''[[Out of the Past]]''
*''[[Outbreak (film)|Outbreak]]''
*[[The Outlaw Josey Wales|''Outlaw Josey Wales'', ''The'']]
*''[[Outside Providence (film)|Outside Providence]]''
*[[The Outsiders (film)|''Outsiders'', ''The'']]
*''[[Over the Hedge]]''
*''[[Oz the Great and Powerful]]''

==Requested==
===M===
* ''[[Machine Gun Kelly]]''
* ''[[The Machinist|Machinist, The]]''
* ''[[The Mackintosh Man|Mackintosh Man, The]]''
* ''[[Made]]''
* ''[[Made in Britain]]''
* ''[[Madea: Diary of a Mad Black Woman]]''
* ''[[Madeline (film)|Madeline]]''
* ''[[Magadheera]]''
* ''[[The Majestic|Majestic, The]]''
* ''[[Maleficent (film)|Maleficent]]''
* ''[[Malena]]''
* ''[[Malev]]''
* ''[[Mamma Mia! (film)|Mamma Mia!]]''
* ''[[A Man Apart|Man Apart, A]]''
* ''[[Manic]]''
* ''[[Marie (film)|Marie]]''
* ''[[Marie Antoinette (2006 film)|Marie Antoinette]]'' (2006)
* ''[[Marked for Death]]''
* ''[[Martian Child]]''
* ''[[Maid in Manhattan]]''
* ''[[Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials]]''
* ''[[Meet Bill]]''
* ''[[Meet the Browns]]''
* ''[[Meet the Feebles]]''
* ''[[Mehed ei nuta]]''
* ''[[Men at Work (1990)|Men at Work]]'' (1990)
* ''[[Menace 2 Society]]''
* ''[[Message in a bottle]]''
* ''[[Midnight Express]]''
* ''[[Million Dollar Baby (1941 film)|Million Dollar Baby]]'' (1941)
* ''[[Millions]]''
* ''[[The Mission (film)|Mission, The]]''
* ''[[Mission Impossible IV]]''
* ''[[Modern Problems]]''
* ''[[Mom's Got A Date With A Vampire]]''
* ''[[Monsters (film)|Monsters]]''
* ''[[Monsters 2: Lost in New York]]''
* ''[[Monte Carlo (2011)|Monte Carlo]]'' (2011)
* ''[[Mortal Thoughts]]''
* ''[[Mozart and the Whale]]''
* ''[[Mr. 3000]]''
* ''[[Mr. Lucky]]''
* ''[[Mr. Popper's Penguins]]''
* ''[[Monster's Ball]]''
* ''[[Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle]]''
* ''[[Ms. 45 (a.k.a. Angel of Vengeance)]]''
* ''[[The Muse|Muse, The]]''
* ''[[Munich]]''
* ''[[Murder on the Orient Express]]''
* ''[[Murderball]]''
* ''[[Murder Live]]''
* ''[[The Music Man (1962 film)|Music Man, The]]'' (1962)
* ''[[The Music Man (2003 film)|Music Man, The]]'' (2003)
* ''[[Mutual Appreciation]]''
* ''[[My Dog Skip]]''
* ''[[My Fair Madeline]]''
* ''[[My First Mister]]''
* ''[[My Name Is Khan]]''
* ''[[My Name Is Nobody]]''
* ''[[Mystic Pizza]]''

===N===
*[[The Nativity Story|''Nativity Story'', ''The'']]
*''[[Nancy Drew (2007 film)|Nancy Drew]]''
*[[The Naughty Nineties|''Naughy Nineties'', ''The'']]
*[[Les Nanas|''Nanas'', ''Les'']]
*''[[Never Back Down]]''
*[[Never Cry Wolf (film)|''Never Cry Wolf'']]
*[[The New Guy|''New Guy'', ''The'']]
*[[The New World (2005 film)|''New World'', ''The'']] (2005)
*[[The New World (2011 film)|''New World'', ''The'']] (2011)
*[[New World (2013 film)|''New World'']] (2013)
*[[New York Minute (film)|''New York Minute'']]
*[[Next! (1970 film)|''Next!'']] (1970)
*[[Next (1990 film)|''Next'']] (1990)
*''[[Next Friday]]''
*''[[Next Stop Wonderland]]''
*''[[Nick Offerman: An American Ham]]''
*''[[Nightmare at Bitter Creek]]''
*[[Nightmare Circus (film)|''Nightmare Circus'']]
*''[[Nimed marmortahvlil]]''
*''[[Ninja Strike Force]]''
*[[The Ninth Gate|''Ninth Gate'', ''The'']]
*''[[Nipernaadi]]''
*[[No Holds Barred (1952 film)|''No Holds Barred'']] (1952)
*[[No Holds Barred (1989 film)|''No Holds Barred'']] (1989)
*[[No Reservations (film)|''No Reservations'']]
*''[[Not Without My Daughter]]''
*[[Now and Then (1979 film)|''Now and Then'']] (1979)
*[[Now and Then (1995 film)|''Now and Then'']] (1995)
*''[[Nukitsamees]]''
*''[[Nurse Betty]]''
*[[The Nut (1921 film directed by Theodore Reed)|''Nut'', ''The'']] (1921 film directed by Theodore Reed)
*[[The Nut (1921 film directed by Marcel Perez)|''Nut'', ''The'']] (1921 film directed by Marcel Perez)
*''[[Nutcracker: The Motion Picture]]''
*[[Nuts (1987 film)|''Nuts'']] (1987)
*[[Nuts (2012 film)|''Nuts'']] (2012)
*[[The Nutty Professor|''Nutty Professor'', ''The'']] ([[w:The Nutty Professor|1963]])
*[[The Nutty Professor (2008 film)|''Nutty Professor'', ''The'']] (2008)

===O===
* ''[[Oblivion (1994 film)|Oblivion]]'' (1994)
* ''[[Odyssey of Persistence]]''
* ''[[O (film)|O]]''
* [[The Oh in Ohio|''Oh in Ohio'', ''The'']]
* [[The Outside Chance of Maximilian Glick|''Outside Chance of Maximilian Glick'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Outside Out]]''
* ''[[Out to Sea]]''
* ''[[Ön]]''
* [[On Dangerous Ground (1952 film)|''On Dangerous Ground'']] (1952)
* [[On Dangerous Ground (1996 film)|''On Dangerous Ground'']] (1996)
* [[The One (2001 film)|''One'', ''The'']] (2001)
* [[The One (2003 film)|''One'', ''The'']] (2003)
* ''[[One Day In September]]''
* [[One Fine Day (film)|''One Fine Day'']]
* ''[[One Special Night]]''
* [[One Trick Pony (film)|''One Trick Pony'']]
* [[The Onion Movie|''Onion Movie'', ''The'']]
* ''[[Operation Petticoat]]''
* [[The Others (1974 films)|''Others'', ''The'']] (1974)
* [[The Others (1997 films)|''Others'', ''The'']] (1997)
* [[The Others (2001 films)|''Others'', ''The'']] (2001)
* [[Out of Africa (film)|''Out of Africa'']]
* [[The Out-of-Towners (1970 film)|''Out-of-Towners'', ''The'']] (1970)
* [[The Out-of-Towners (1999 film)|''Out-of-Towners'', ''The'']] (1999)
* [[Overboard (film)|''Overboard'']]
* [[The Oxford Murders (film)|''Oxford Murders'', ''The'']]

== Notes ==
'''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new film articles to this list. '''When you add a title to this list, please add it in proper alphabetical order within the appropriate section.'''

When creating a page for a film, please include the year the film was released and list key creators of the film, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:List of films|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote talk:Templates#Films & TV Shows|Templates#Films & TV Shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for film articles.

After a film article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article.

If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for film quotations, please help us expand film articles that need attention, which are listed at [[:Category:Film stubs|Film stubs]] and [[:Category:Film cleanup|Film cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]].

==See also==
{{media lists}}
* [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes]] (greatest movie quotes)
*[[List of films (A–C)]]
*[[List of films (D–F)]]
*[[List of films (G–I)]]
*[[List of films (J–L)]]
*[[List of films (P–S)]]
*[[List of films (T–V)]]
*[[List of films (W–Z)]]

[[Category:Films|*]]
[[Category:Lists|films]]

Metropolitan (film)

2016-04-30T13:04:43Z

Sketchmoose: Sketchmoose moved page Metropolitan (film) to Metropolitan (1990 film): matching Wikpedia article title per Wikiquote:Manual_of_style#Title_style

#REDIRECT [[Metropolitan (1990 film)]]

Metropolitan (1990 film)

2016-04-30T13:04:43Z

Sketchmoose: Sketchmoose moved page Metropolitan (film) to Metropolitan (1990 film): matching Wikpedia article title per Wikiquote:Manual_of_style#Title_style

'''''[[w:Metropolitan (1990 film)|Metropolitan]]''''' is a [[w:1990 in film|1990 film]] about the lives of young, wealthy New Yorkers during debutante ball season while home for winter break in their first year of college.
:''Written and directed by [[w:Whit Stillman|Whit Stillman]].''
<center>'''Finally... A film about the downwardly mobile.''' [[#Tagline|tagline]]</center>

== Nick Smith ==
* I've always planned to be a failure anyway. That's why I plan to marry an extremely wealthy woman.

* Rick Von Slonecker is tall, rich, good-looking, stupid, dishonest, conceited, a bully, liar, drunk and thief, an egomaniac, and probably psychotic. In short, highly attractive to women.

* It’s a tiny bit arrogant of people to go around worrying about those less fortunate.

== Tom Townsend ==
* ''[to Serena Slocum]'' I haven't been giving you the silent treatment. I just haven't been talking to you.

== Charlie Black ==
* We hear a lot about the great social mobility in America, with the focus usually on the comparative ease of moving upwards. What's less discussed is how easy it is to go down. I think that's the direction that we're all heading in. And I think that the downward fall is going to be very fast—not just for us as individuals—but for the entire Preppie Class.

== Others ==
* '''Man at Bar''': The acid test is whether you take any pleasure in responding to the question "What do you do?" I can't bear it.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Jane Clark''': Why should we believe you over Rick? We know you're a hypocrite. We know your "Polly Perkins" story was a fabrication...
:'''Nick Smith''': A composite.
:'''Jane Clark''': Whatever. And that you're completely impossible and out of control, with some sort of drug problem and a fixation on what you consider Rick Von Sloneker's wickedness. You're a snob, a sexist, totally obnoxious and tiresome, and lately you've gotten just weird. Why should we believe anything you say?
:'''Nick Smith''': I am ''not'' tiresome.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Audrey Rouget''': What [[Jane Austen]] novels have you read?
:'''Tom Townsend''': None. I don't read novels. I prefer good literary criticism. That way you get both the novelists' ideas as well as the critics' thinking. With fiction I can never forget that none of it really happened, that it's all just made up by the author.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Charlie Black''': [[w:Fourierism|Fourierism]] was tried in the late nineteenth century... and it failed. Wasn't Brook Farm Fourierist? It failed.
:'''Tom Townsend''': That's debatable.
:'''Charlie Black''': Whether Brook Farm failed?
:'''Tom Townsend''': That it ceased to exist, I'll grant you, but whether or not it failed cannot be definitively said.
:'''Charlie Black''': Well, for me, ceasing to exist is — is failure. I mean, that's pretty definitive.
:'''Tom Townsend''': Well, everyone ceases to exist. Doesn't mean everyone's a failure.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nick Smith''': The titled aristocracy are the scum of the earth.
:'''Sally Fowler''': You always say "titled" aristocrats. What about "untitled" aristocrats?
:'''Nick Smith''': Well, I could hardly despise them, could I? That would be self-hatred.

== Taglines ==
* Finally... A film about the downwardly mobile.

== Cast ==
* [[w:Carolyn Farina|Carolyn Farina]] - Audrey Rouget
* [[w:Edward Clements|Edward Clements]] - Tom Townsend
* [[w:Chris Eigeman|Chris Eigeman]] - Nick Smith
* [[w:Taylor Nichols|Taylor Nichols]] - Charlie Black
* [[w:Allison Parisi|Allison Parisi]] - Jane Clark
* [[w:Dylan Hundley|Dylan Hundley]] - Sally Fowler
* [[w:Isabel Gillies|Isabel Gillies]] - Cynthia McLean
* [[w:Bryan Leder|Bryan Leder]] - Fred Neff
* [[w:Will Kempe|Will Kempe]] - Rick Von Sloneker
* [[w:Ellia Thompson|Ellia Thompson]] - Serena Slocum
* [[w:Stephen Uys|Stephen Uys]] - Victor Lemley

== External links ==
{{wikipedia|Metropolitan (1990 film)}}
* {{imdb title|id=0100142|title=Metropolitan}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=metropolitan|title=Metropolitan}}

[[Category:1990 films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Cult films]]
[[Category:Drama films]]
[[Category:Coming-of-age films]]
[[Category:American films]]

Broadcast News (film)

2016-02-07T02:48:53Z

Sketchmoose: /* Aaron Altman */Idiomatic expression, added link

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]''''' is a [[w:1987 in film|1987 film]] about a virtuoso television news producer who has daily emotional breakdowns, a brilliant yet prickly reporter and his charismatic but far less seasoned rival.
:''Directed and written by [[w:James L. Brooks|James L. Brooks]].''
<center>'''It's the story of their lives.'''</center>

== Aaron Altman ==
* ''[to Jane]'' I think we have the kind of friendship where if I were the devil, you'd be the only one I would tell.

* Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?

* ''[to Jane]'' And if things had gone differently for me tonight then I probably wouldn't be saying any of this. I grant you everything. But give me this: he personifies everything that you've been fighting against. And I'm in love with you. How do you like that? I [[wikt:bury the lede|buried the lede]].

== Other ==
* '''Blair Litton''': ''[to Jane]'' Except for socially, you're my role model.

== Dialogue ==
:'''Aaron Altman''': I know you care about him. I've never seen you like this about anyone, so please don't take it wrong when I tell you that I believe that Tom, while a very nice guy, is the Devil.
:'''Jane Craig''': This isn't friendship.
:'''Aaron Altman''': What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance... Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom Grunick''': What do you do when your real life exceeds your dreams?
:'''Aaron Altman''': Keep it to yourself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Blair Litton''': Oh, you think anyone who's proud of the work we do is an ass-kisser.
:'''Aaron Altman''': No, I think anyone who puckers up their lips and presses it against their boss' buttocks and then ''smooches'' is an ass-kisser.
:'''Blair Litton''': My gosh... and for a while there I was attracted to you.
:'''Aaron Altman''': Well, wait a minute, that changes everything!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Aaron Altman''': And in the middle of all this, I started to think about the one thing that makes me feel really good and makes immediate sense... and it's you.
:'''Jane Craig''': Oh, Bubba.
:'''Aaron Altman''': I'm going to stop right now. Except that I would give anything if you were two people, so that I could call up the one who's my friend and tell her about the one that I like ''so much''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Paul Moore''': It must be nice to always believe you know better, to always think you're the smartest person in the room.
:'''Jane Craig''': No. It's awful.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Paul Moore''': ''[after firing one of his workers]'' Now, if there's anything I can do for you...
:'''Employee''': Well, I certainly hope you'll die soon.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom Grunick''': You're an ''amazing'' woman - what a ''feeling'' having you inside my head!
:'''Jane Craig''': ''[smiling]'' Yeah - it was - an unusual place to be.
:'''Tom Grunick''': It's like - indescribable - you knew ''just'' when to feed me the next line, you knew the m... second before I needed it. There was like, a ''rhythm'' we got into - it was like - ''great sex''!
:''[he pulls her toward him while she laughs]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jane Craig''': So you like me, huh?
:'''Tom Grunick''': I like you as much as I can like anyone who thinks I'm an asshole.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Aaron Altman''': The pointers were great, I'll study the tape.
:'''Tom Grunick''': Just remember that you're not just reading the news, you're narrating it. Everybody has to sell a little. You're selling them this idea of you, you know, you're sort of saying, trust me I'm, um, credible. So when you feel yourself just reading, stop! Start selling a little.

== Cast ==
* [[w:William Hurt|William Hurt]] - Tom Grunick
* [[w:Albert Brooks|Albert Brooks]] - Aaron Altman
* [[w:Holly Hunter|Holly Hunter]] - Jane Craig
* [[w:Robert Prosky|Robert Prosky]] - Ernie Merriman
* [[w:Lois Chiles|Lois Chiles]] - Jennifer Mack
* [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] - Blair Litton
* [[w:Christian Clemenson|Christian Clemenson]] - Bobby
* [[w:Jack Nicholson|Jack Nicholson]] - Bill Rorich
* [[w:John Cusack|John Cusack]] - Angry Messenger
* [[w:Marc Shaiman|Marc Shaiman]] - News Theme Writer

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0092699|title=Broadcast News}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=broadcast_news|title=Broadcast News}}

[[Category:1987 films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Romantic comedy films]]
[[Category:James L. Brooks films]]
[[Category:Journalist films]]

User talk:UDScott

2015-08-19T21:42:07Z

Sketchmoose: /* The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford */ new section

{| class="infobox" width="250"
|- align="center"
| [[File:Replacement filing cabinet.svg|40px|Archive]] '''Archives'''
|- align="left"
|
* [[User talk:UDScott/2005|2005 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2006|2006 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2007 part 1|2007 Archive, part 1 (Jan - Jun)]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2007 part 2|2007 Archive, part 2 (Jul - Dec)]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2008|2008 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2009|2009 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2010|2010 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2011|2011 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2012|2012 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2013|2013 Archive]]
* [[User talk:UDScott/2014|2014 Archive]]
|}
{{talkheader}}

== Some IP users are not only trying to mess with me on Wikiquote... ==

But it is also doing so on Wikipedia, on an account I abandoned. IP users: (95.172.74.62) (94.14.157.19) (172.56.26.135) (90.192.125.203) (90.194.50.210) (176.26.72.117) (90.194.55.144) I request that all these and all other IPs it uses be blocked indefinitely, and all pages it vandalized and my talk page should be protected indefinitely (or at least for a year).

:What I want to know is who is using these IPs, and why is it continuing to unfaithfully undo my good-faith edits without first consulting me? Plus, I want my dormant DawgDeputy page on Wikipedia protected indefinitely from these IPs. [[User:WikiLubber|WikiLubber]] ([[User talk:WikiLubber|talk]]) 14:20, 5 January 2015 (UTC)

::I'm not exactly sure what I can effectively do at this point (I've been away from WQ for some time during the holidays). It appears that some of these are already blocked and some that are not did not have lot of activity anyway. I do not have any influence on Wikipedia, so I cannot help there either. I will keep an eye on your pages (and those that you frequently edit) so as to combat any future deliberate attacks. Hopefully all has calmed down by now. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:45, 5 January 2015 (UTC)

:::Unfortunately, the IPs have learned nothing from their blocks. And they're trying to sabotage by making multiple user accounts: (Mathew Broaderick) (‎TrialOfTheCentury) (Reverted edit by). [[User:WikiLubber|WikiLubber]] ([[User talk:WikiLubber|talk]]) 18:03, 5 January 2015 (UTC)

::::Plus, I do not trust this IP: (90.192.103.28‎). For all we know, it only undoes the user accounts' edits just to make fun of me, then uses this IP to continue sabotaging. [[User:WikiLubber|WikiLubber]] ([[User talk:WikiLubber|talk]]) 18:07, 5 January 2015 (UTC)

== ''[[Pensées]]'' ==
Noticed that you split this article from [[Blaise Pascal]] in May 2014, and that the new article did not include the previous section's "History" with the move. I have seen previous splits move the relevant section's history from the original article. Where would I find out how to transfer the section's previous history to the new article? Thanks.
:[[User:ELApro|ELApro]] ([[User talk:ELApro|talk]]) 18:09, 4 January 2015 (UTC)
::Yes, I created a separate page for this work, as the author's page had grown unwieldy and there was more than enough material for a separate page. But I am not sure how to extricate the history of a specific section of a page to then include it with the new separate page. I did not move the quotes so much as copy and paste them into a new page - again I am unaware of a method to move ''portions'' of a page into a new one (and to include any associated history). If anyone does know how to do this, I would welcome their input. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:28, 5 January 2015 (UTC)
: Did some reading at [[w:Wikipedia:Splitting|Wikipedia Splitting]] where they recommend using the [[w:Template:Copied|Copied Template]] in the Talk pages and adding "split content to <nowiki>[[</nowiki>article name<nowiki>]]</nowiki>" to the edit summary for documentation. I tried using the "Copied Template" at [[Ethics (book)]] Talk and a "[[w:Template:Split from|Split from Template]]" at [[Baruch Spinoza]] Talk for a split similar to ''Pensées'', but the templates aren't being recognized. They also do not show up in the wikiquote [{{SERVER}}{{localurl:Special:Allpages|namespace=10}} List of all templates,] so I posted an inquiry at the [[Wikiquote:Village_pump#No_.22Template:Copied.22_or_.22Template:Split_from.22_for_Splitting.3F|Village pump]]. ([[User talk:ELApro|ELApro talk]]) 02:02, 21 January 2015 (UTC)

== Master (Doctor Who) ==

Can you extend the protection time?

Last protection expired on 4th January, and usual edit warring has begin. Until now, no discussion([[Talk:Master (Doctor_Who)]]) has been made by the IP. [[User:OccultZone|OccultZone]] ([[User talk:OccultZone|talk]]) 17:59, 9 January 2015 (UTC)
:{{done}}. I extended it three months. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:06, 9 January 2015 (UTC)

== [[America (2014)]] ==

Thanks for your edits here. I deleted some quotes (which I had left hidden) for fear that they'd be too many—even though the film is very long, with lots of dialogue... ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 15:19, 14 January 2015 (UTC)

== Block vandal request ==

There's a vandal named Alabaster going around pretty much destroying the wiki. Please block him immediately. Look at his edit history and you'll see what I'm talking about. Regards, '''''[[User:Illegitimate Barrister|Illegitimate Barrister]]''''' 05:36, 23 January 2015 (UTC)
:Sorry I was not online during this latest attack - but I see that Miszatomic has taken care of the issue. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:04, 23 January 2015 (UTC)

== Asking socks to self-disclose ==

{{u|Billinghurst}} has asked [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard&diff=1841724&oldid=1841716 DIFF] that the third-party who is a {{confirmed}} sock connected to accounts {{user|Jimmy11234}} and {{user|Gene96}} to self-disclose their involvement in the socking.

You are one of the accounts that voted before [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Requests_for_adminship/Kalki_(4th_request)&diff=1841102&oldid=1840935 12:09, 25 January 2015].

I ask that if you are behind the socking of {{confirmed}} socks {{user|Jimmy11234}} and {{user|Gene96}} to self-disclose please at [[Wikiquote:Requests_for_adminship/Kalki_(4th_request)#Asking_socks_to_self-disclose]].

Thank you,

-- '''[[User:Cirt|Cirt]]''' ([[User talk:Cirt|talk]]) 07:17, 26 January 2015 (UTC)

:Huh? What is it you wish of me? I am confused by this post. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:55, 26 January 2015 (UTC)
:* Cirt is asking whether ''you'' are connected to the sockpuppet accounts, {{user|Jimmy11234}} and {{user|Gene96}}. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|''BD2412'']] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 14:10, 26 January 2015 (UTC)
::*My reply was a bit facetious, I admit. I am ''not'' in any way connected to these accounts, but I am curious as to why this question was even asked - what would lead anyone to believe I was connected? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:24, 26 January 2015 (UTC)
:::* Billinghurst is playing the role of the Sphinx in the Checkuser request brought about by sockpuppetry in the RfA at issue. He has told us that ''one of those who voted'' is also connected with the sockpuppets, but will not say which, preferring that we puzzle it out ourselves. [[User:BD2412|''BD2412'']] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 14:42, 26 January 2015 (UTC)
::::*Thank you, the explanation by {{u|BD2412}} about {{u|Billinghurst}} is accurate here. And that's why I've asked the third-party sock(s) to self-disclose at the Request for Adminship, on direct recommendation to do so by Billinghurst. Hope that explains things a bit. -- '''[[User:Cirt|Cirt]]''' ([[User talk:Cirt|talk]]) 15:43, 26 January 2015 (UTC)

== This is an issue that started months ago but still do not have an answer ==

Why do you revert some of my edits with rollback? It makes me look like a vandal messing up pages, why can't you use "undo" and give a valid reason as to why you decided to revert my edit instead of rollbacking my edit and making me look like a vandal? --[[User:Goldenburg111|Golden]][[User talk:Goldenburg111|burg]][[Special:Contributions/Goldenburg111|111]] 15:34, 29 January 2015 (UTC)
:In general, you are correct - I tend to use revert often when I am correcting either vandalism or something that seems obvious, and undo when I wish to explain why I am changing something (something I do far less than revert). If you could provide some examples of what you are talking about, I could perhaps comment more directly. I've looked back about three months and do not see any reversions of you rwork, but maybe I am missing it. Thanks. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:50, 29 January 2015 (UTC)
::Sorry if I seem hasty and all. Anyways I'll provide a few edits soon now since I'm busy on other projects. --[[User:Goldenburg111|Golden]][[User talk:Goldenburg111|burg]][[Special:Contributions/Goldenburg111|111]] 14:34, 30 January 2015 (UTC)

== Thank you ==

Thanks for formatting help at the new page I've created, [[Psychobabble]], much appreciated, -- '''[[User:Cirt|Cirt]]''' ([[User talk:Cirt|talk]]) 20:56, 29 January 2015 (UTC)

== [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/InvisibleSun (inactivity discussion)]] ==

When you have a moment, will you give a proper close to this discussion? It should be done by a 'crat, but I am involved. Cirt already went ahead and had InvisibleSun's rights removed at Meta, which could be reversed if the discussion was deemed not to have actually come out that way. InvisibleSun's own comment sort of moots the point, but this should still be done right. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|''BD2412'']] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 20:42, 6 February 2015 (UTC)
:Agree with BD2412, and thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter. Unfortunately, InvisibleSun said in addition to his four (4) years of inactivity, he won't be able to come back to active status for another five (5) years. -- '''[[User:Cirt|Cirt]]''' ([[User talk:Cirt|talk]]) 20:58, 6 February 2015 (UTC)

== Request Crat to close 3 discussions ==

#[[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/MosheZadka (inactivity discussion)]]
#[[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/Nanobug (inactivity discussion)]]
#[[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/Jaxl (inactivity discussion)]]

(Notifying all Bureaucrats on this site.)

Can you please close these above three discussions?

They've all been open beyond the requisite time period.

Thank you,

-- '''[[User:Cirt|Cirt]]''' ([[User talk:Cirt|talk]]) 20:00, 18 February 2015 (UTC)

== I request a speedy deletion of my own creations ==

Dear UDScott,I was tired last night when I created [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Lier&redirect=no this] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Liers&redirect=no this], both redirects to [[lying]].  Had I been more awake, I would have noticed that I had not written "liar," but instead "lier" (the latter of which means, according to [[wikt:lier|Wiktionary]], "A person or thing that lies, in the sense of being horizontal").If we had a page for lying down, I would fix my error by simply redirecting both "[[lier]]" and "[[liers]]" to "[[lying down]]," but we have no such page as of yet.  Thus, it appears that the only appropriate solution is for you or one of the other admins to delete these erroneous pages altogether.My apologies for burdening you with this.  Thank in advance.Best, [[User:Allixpeeke|allixpeeke]] ([[User talk:Allixpeeke|talk]]) 15:13, 21 February 2015 (UTC)
* This is done. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|''BD2412'']] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 18:33, 21 February 2015 (UTC)

== Manuel Quezon page. ==

Hi. Thanks for noticing my page. I am new to Wikiquote so i could use some help. I started that page to try and move the quotes off his Wikipedia page in accordance with Wikipedia's style guide. What is the standard policy on what do with the unsourced quotes? I have looked em all up online and i cant find any sources that aren't dodgy looking blog posts or Wikipedia mirrors on other sites. Thanks in advance for the response and I look forward to being able to make a good quality quote page for the president of the Philippines. {{unsigned|Awnman}}
:The first thing is that any unsourced quotes should not be placed on the page - without sources, the quotes cannot be verified. Usually, when we encounter unsourced quotes, we move them to the talk page, pending sourcing. In the case you mention, where you cannot find reliable sources, I'm afraid they should remain on the talk page. In the past, we used to have sections on the pages for both sourced and unsourced quotes, but this got us into some trouble (and opens the door for quotes that are not genuine to be placed on a page - which is especially troublesome for living people). The best guidance for you in this area is probably [[Wikiquote:Sourcing]], which although not official policy (instead it is still in a proposed state, as we often find that the process for creating official policy takes a long time here, since we have so few dedicated users), still provides a lot of information on the best ways to proceed regarding sourcing the quotes. If all else fails, by all means ask questions - to any admin or if we're not around, just on the [[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]], where anyone with knowledge can help. Welcome and good luck. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:06, 13 March 2015 (UTC)

== Regarding page: Al-Mutanabbi ==

I noticed that you have been editing the newly made page of [[Al-Mutanabbi]]; I would like to thank you and also request further formatting improvements, especially with the Notes and References, with which I lack dexterity.

Again, thank you.

== Global auto-block ==

Hello. My account was compromised during my absence. Can you indefinitely block my account globally to prevent damage to all sister wiki projects? Thanks for collaborating! --[[User:BScMScMD|BScMScMD]] ([[User talk:BScMScMD|talk]]) 04:35, 8 April 2015 (UTC)

== [[Ron Kaufman]] ==

This article that you recently {{tl|prod}} as unsourced[//en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ron_Kaufman&diff=1941732] formerly did include a source citation, before it was removed without explanation in [//en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Ron_Kaufman&diff=1762025 the previous edit] which may have been inadvertent. (That said, I am unimpressed by the quotability of these motivational blandishments, and by the author advertisement at Wikipedia – but that is a different matter.) ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 17:35, 22 April 2015 (UTC)
:Ah, thank you - for now I removed the PROD tag, since this cancels out my initial objection. I'm still not really convinced of the notability or quotability of this person, but for now I will let it be. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:44, 22 April 2015 (UTC)
:: Yes, well. It might be rather tedious to research whether these pronouncements from a [//en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Ron_Kaufman#Draft_in_temporary_subpage "prolific purveyor of prosaic platitudes"] are actually widely quoted by independent sources. At least it would be less tedious now than when the article contained over 2,400 quotes to check! ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 18:05, 22 April 2015 (UTC)

== Clemente on WQ (belated emergence from stubhood) ==
Greetings, UDScott. Having only discovered it two days ago myself, I appreciate your attention to this so-long neglected page (and, btw, strongly second your Chinatown, Hitchcock, Homeland, FNL, and Gilmore leanings, among others). That being said, speaking strictly as a WQ novice (not to mention possessor of a plethora of well-sourced RC quotes, which will soon be forthcoming), and seeing as how your edit summaries didn't address this point, I'm curious as to whether or not there is a principled objection to - or, for that matter, a hard-&-fast WQ rule against - subdividing each section as I'd done. Looking at it now, I myself have mixed feelings; there's certainly something to be said for having all quotes by a given source in one place. That being said, given both the large number of quotes involved and Clemente's distinctly multi-faceted nature (both as the proverbial 'five-tool' player, ''and'' as a player who has become at least as famous for his off-field concerns and activities), I can't help think that those subdivisions - or some version thereof - would prove useful, if not invaluable, to future visitors to this page, whether casual fans or serious researchers. Thanks again for your time (and btw, apropos of both FNL's Katims and Gilmore's Graham, I - and my better half - would respectfully throw the late, lamented Parenthood into the mix) [[User:DavidESpeed|DavidESpeed]] ([[User talk:DavidESpeed|talk]]) 17:19, 27 May 2015 (UTC)
:Thanks for your comments and questions (and of course your shared favorites in film and TV). Basically, such subdivisions have been frowned upon because they can introduce a bit of a POV in the presentation of quotes. While dividing them into subjects might seem like a way to make them more easily digested by a reader, the selection of not only the sections themselves, but where to place quotes within them is inherently subject to the point of view of whomever adds a quote. In most cases, it might seem obvious how a group of quotes should be categorized within a page, but we have seen more than once situations where disputes have arisen regarding such placement. It would be better to let a reader decide what a quote is about, rather than someone else making that decision for the reader. In the end, as we strive to promote a non-POV environment, it has been found to be best to avoid such subdivisions of the quotes. A past discussion related to this topic (which you may wish to read) can be found [[Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_11#How_do_we_divide_an_theme_article_into_subsections.3F|here]]. Thanks. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:22, 27 May 2015 (UTC)
:: Hello again. Thanks for laying out your rationale, and for the link. Not sure how the latter relates to the former, though; since the consensus reached there seems to support at least limited use of subdivision. In any case, while I can see the subdivisions within subdivisions that I'd imposed being an issue, I think a simple division of each section here - i.e. Quotes = Baseball-related + Other, & "Quotes about" = As a player + As a person - would prove far more useful than constricting. So unless that 'frown' is prepared to escalate into an outright ban, I'd like to give that a shot. Thanks again [[User:DavidESpeed|DavidESpeed]] ([[User talk:DavidESpeed|talk]]) 03:27, 29 May 2015 (UTC)
:::No, I guess such a concrete subdivision makes some sense - it is when more abstract concepts are imposed as subsections where the problems arise. Go for it. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:28, 29 May 2015 (UTC)
::::Gracias; I'm on it... I think [[Roberto_Clemente|this]]'ll work; also added ordering instructions for the Quote sections. BTW, apropos of nothing in particular, I've noticed a number of articles employing seemingly arbitrary bits of bolding. Notwithstanding the obvious POV issues, are there in fact WQ guidelines for its accepted use? (e.g. highlighting an excerpt that is itself considerably better known than the full quote?) Thanks again. [[User:DavidESpeed|DavidESpeed]] ([[User talk:DavidESpeed|talk]]) 02:22, 30 May 2015 (UTC)
:::::PS - Two more points:

:::::1) At the risk of ascending to 'mile-taker' status, I've quickly come to the realization that one added level of subdivision seems a no-brainer. This would apply strictly to the "As a player" subdivision (in which the lion's share of yet-to-be-added quotes will reside). Again, NOT anything abstract, but simply a handy categorization of contributors within the section. I'm thinking: Teammates, Opponents, Media, & Other (with the first two encompassing every level of an organization, from owner to ball-person)

:::::2) Apropos of my previous bolding inquiry, it has since occurred to me that a particularly helpful use of boldface would be for the source of each quote, whether article, book, online resource, et al), if only to help provide a quick visual distinction between article and attribution (esp. for this article, in which I dare say both articles and attributions are of above-average-for-WQ length). I think this, too, would help make the whole seem less daunting/more digestible. [[User:DavidESpeed|DavidESpeed]] ([[User talk:DavidESpeed|talk]]) 13:30, 30 May 2015 (UTC)

::::::These are all ideas that should probably be brought into a larger conversation, where other members of the community may comment - I suggest a post on the [[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]] with some of your ideas. Some of these style questions (including the idea of bolding sources) would amount to a potential overhaul of many pages, so before straying too far from convention, I suggest such a discussion with other community members. Your enthusiasm is most welcome! My initial reaction to your proposal for an additional subsection is reluctance to see it - I fear that we start down a slippery slope with added subsections where users feel appropriate, but without any consistency in their use across the project (but of course it can be debated at VP, as I am hardly the ultimate "decider" on this site - community consensus drives us here) As to the initial bolding question, this has actually been a point of contention in the past, but has never truly been settled. As such, there is no official policy that prohibits its use to highlight quotes (it is usually done to emphasize well known or particularly pithy quotes, primarily on people or theme pages, but not on film or TV show pages). Thanks again for your contributions. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:20, 1 June 2015 (UTC)

== Block 70Jack90 ==

Would you do us all a favor and please block 70Jack90 for its [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User_talk:Miszatomic&diff=prev&oldid=1964579 false allegation against me]?

:Furthermore, it has been undoing all my highly-justified edits and constantly failed to comply with Wikiquote's limitations on quotes.

::And now ''it'' has become the real sockpuppet, as its other account: 90Jack70, has proven. [[User:WikiLubber|WikiLubber]] ([[User talk:WikiLubber|talk]]) 00:15, 1 July 2015 (UTC)

== HotCat ==

Hello. I think the reason it doesn't work for you is that you haven't got a js file. Is recommend the following:
* Go to [[:m:MediaWiki:Gadget-HotCat.js]].
* Copy the text it suggests as it is presented there from the word <code>window</code> onwards.
* Create your own [[:m:User:UDScott/global.js|global.js file]] by pasting that text.
* After saving the page, purge your cache using whatever method is recommended for your browser on that first Meta page above.
* Go to any page on WQ that normally has categories and see if it works.
* If not, throw computer in bin and start a new hobby :) (only kidding)
'''[[User:Green Giant|Green Giant]] ([[User talk:Green Giant|talk]])''' 02:03, 18 August 2015 (UTC)

== [[The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford]] ==

You created a page for this movie which makes me very excited! [[User:Sketchmoose|Sketchmoose]] ([[User talk:Sketchmoose|talk]]) 21:42, 19 August 2015 (UTC)

User:Sketchmoose

2015-08-19T21:38:13Z

Sketchmoose:

{{userboxtop|align=right|bordercolor=#f9f9f9|toptext=}}
{{User Wikiquote admin}}
{{User en}}
{{User la-2}}
{{userboxbottom}}

<blockquote>When a candidate for public office faces the voters he does not face men of sense; he faces a mob of men whose chief distinguishing mark is the fact that they are quite incapable of weighing ideas, or even of comprehending any save the most elemental — men whose whole thinking is done in terms of emotion, and whose dominant emotion is dread of what they cannot understand. So confronted, the candidate must either bark with the pack or be lost... All the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre — the man who can most adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum. 
-[[H. L. Mencken]]</blockquote>

I tend to make typos in my edit summaries, which annoys me.

I am also [[w:User:Sketchmoose|Sketchmoose]] on [[w:Main Page|Wikipedia]].

== To Do ==
* Cleanup [[The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)]] - [[Wikiquote:Templates/Theatre]], [[User:Sketchmoose/Sandbox]]
:Fresh quotes (current aren't the best available), published script or taped performance?, which formatting template to follow?
* [[The Shop Around the Corner]]
* [[The Trouble with Harry]]
* [[Connie Willis]]
* [[All Creatures Great and Small]]
* [[How to Steal a Million]]
* [[Review]] / [[Review (TV series)]]

Animal Crackers (film)

2015-08-17T13:34:37Z

Sketchmoose: Sketchmoose moved page Animal Crackers (film) to Animal Crackers (1930 film): matching Wikpedia article title per Wikiquote:Manual_of_style#Title_style

#REDIRECT [[Animal Crackers (1930 film)]]

Animal Crackers (1930 film)

2015-08-17T13:34:36Z

Sketchmoose: Sketchmoose moved page Animal Crackers (film) to Animal Crackers (1930 film): matching Wikpedia article title per Wikiquote:Manual_of_style#Title_style

{{italic title}}
'''''[[w:Animal Crackers (film)|Animal Crackers]]''''' is a [[w:1930 in film|1930 film]] in which mayhem and zaniness ensue when a valuable painting goes missing during a party in honor of famed African explorer Captain Spaulding.
:''Directed by [[w:Victor Heerman|Victor Heerman]]. Adapted from the play written by [[w:George S. Kaufman|George S. Kaufman]], [[w:Morrie Ryskind|Morrie Ryskind]], [[w:Bert Kalmar|Bert Kalmar]], and [[w:Harry Ruby|Harry Ruby]].''
<center>'''The maddest comics of them all!'''</center>

== Captain Spaulding ==
* ''[to Mrs. Rittenhouse]'' Why, you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

* ''[singing]'' Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going.

* ''[to audience]'' Pardon me while I have a strange interlude. Why, you couple of baboons! What makes you think I'd marry either one of you! Strange how the wind blows tonight. It has a tintity voice, reminds me of poor old Moslin. How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away!

* '''One morning, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.''' Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say, tusks. You try that some time...As I say, we tried to remove the tusks, but they were embedded in so firmly that we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama, the Tusk-a-loosa. But, uh, that's entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. But we're going back again in a couple of weeks.
** Bolded portion ranked #53 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema''.

* I don't like Junior crossing the tracks on his way to the reform school. I don't like Junior at all, as a matter of fact.

* Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping", with a male chorus.

* Take the Professor's hat and coat and send for the fumigators.

* You ought to brush up your Greek, Jamison. Well, get a Greek and brush up on him.

* You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters.

== Others ==
* '''Signor Emanuel Ravelli''': ''[about playing bridge]'' How do you want to play...honest?

== Dialogue ==

:'''Guests''': Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!
:'''Spaulding''': Did someone call me schnorrer?
:'''Guests''': Hooray, hooray, hooray!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Guests''': He put all his reliance In courage and defiance And risked his life for science.
:'''Spaulding''': Hey, hey!
:'''Mrs. Rittenhouse''': He is the only white man who covered every acre...
:'''Spaulding''': I think I'll try and make her...
:'''Guests''': Hooray, hooray, hooray!

== Cast ==
* [[Groucho Marx]] - Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding
* [[Harpo Marx]] - The Professor
* [[w:Chico Marx|Chico Marx]] - Signor Emanuel Ravelli
* [[w:Zeppo Marx|Zeppo Marx]] - Horatio Jamison
* [[w:Lillian Roth|Lillian Roth]] - Arabella Rittenhouse
* [[w:Margaret Dumont|Margaret Dumont]] - Mrs. Rittenhouse
* [[w:Louis Sorin|Louis Sorin]] - Roscoe W. Chandler
* [[w:Hal Thompson|Hal Thompson]] - John Parker
* [[w:Margaret Irving|Margaret Irving]] - Mrs. Whitehead
* [[w:Kathryn Reece|Kathryn Reece]] - Grace Carpenter
* [[w:Robert Greig|Robert Greig]] - Hives, the Butler
* [[w:Edward Metcalf|Edward Metcalf]] - Inspector Hennessy

== External links ==
{{wikipedia}}
* {{imdb title|id=0020640|title=Animal Crackers}}
* {{rotten-tomatoes|id=animal_crackers|title=Animal Crackers}}
* ''[http://www.filmsite.org/anim.html Animal Crackers]'' at [[w:Filmsite.org|Filmsite.org]]

[[Category:1930s films]]
[[Category:Comedy films]]
[[Category:Musical films]]
[[Category:American films]]
[[Category:Marx Brothers films]]

Mystery Science Theater 3000

2015-08-04T19:22:42Z

Sketchmoose: /* X Marks the Spot (short) */ punctuation

{{italic title}}
__NOTOC__
'''''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|Mystery Science Theater 3000]]''''' (1988–1999) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by [[wikt:riff|riff]]ing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing [[wikt:erudite|erudite]] cultural [[wikt:quip|quip]]s with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 198 episodes (movies), 60 shorts, and 4 specials in the ''MST3K'' [[wikt:canon|canon]]. (See [[#Notes|Notes]] below for help on using this page.)

{| border=1 align=center
! align=center bgcolor=#33FF33 | [[#Season 0|KTMA]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#The Green Slime|00]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Invaders from the Deep|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Revenge of the Mysterons|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Phase IV|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Cosmic Princess|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Humanoid Woman|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Fugitive Alien|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#SST: Death Flight|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Mighty Jack|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Superdome|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#City on Fire|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Time of the Apes|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Hangar 18|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#The Last Chase|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#55FF55 | [[#Legend of the Dinosaur|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=2 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#66CC99 | [[#Season 1|S1]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Crawling Eye|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Mad Monster|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Women of the Prehistoric Planet|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Corpse Vanishes|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Crawling Hand|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Robot Monster|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Slime People|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Project Moonbase|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Robot Holocaust|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Moon Zero Two|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#Untamed Youth|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#88EEBB | [[#The Black Scorpion|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 2|S2]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Rocketship X-M|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Sidehackers|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Jungle Goddess|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Catalina Caper|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Rocket Attack U.S.A.|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Ring of Terror|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Wild Rebels|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Lost Continent|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Hellcats|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#King Dinosaur|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#First Spaceship on Venus|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Godzilla vs. Megalon|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 3|S3]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Cave Dwellers|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera_2|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Pod People|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon_2|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Stranded in Space|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Time of the Apes_2|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Daddy-O|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos_2|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Amazing Colossal Man|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Fugitive Alien_2|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#It Conquered the World|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron_2|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Earth vs. the Spider|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Mighty Jack_2|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Teenage Caveman|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra_2|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Viking Women and the Sea Serpent|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II_2|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#War of the Colossal Beast|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Unearthly|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Master Ninja I|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Castle of Fu Manchu|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Master Ninja II|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 4|S4]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Space Travelers|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Giant Gila Monster|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#City Limits|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Teenagers from Outer Space|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Being from Another Planet|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Attack of the Giant Leeches|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Killer Shrews|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules Unchained|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Indestructible Man|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules Against the Moon Men|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Magic Sword|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules and the Captive Women|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Manhunt in Space|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Tormented|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Beatniks|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Fire Maidens of Outer Space|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Crash of the Moons|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Attack of the Eye Creatures|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Rebel Set|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Human Duplicators|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Monster A Go-Go|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Day the Earth Froze|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Bride of the Monster|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Manos: The Hands of Fate|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CCCCFF | [[#Season 5|S5]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Warrior of the Lost World|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Hercules|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Swamp Diamonds|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Secret Agent Super Dragon|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Magic Voyage of Sinbad|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Eegah|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#I Accuse My Parents|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Operation Double 007|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Girl in Lovers Lane|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#The Painted Hills|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Gunslinger|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDFF | [[#Mitchell|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Brain That Wouldn't Die|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Teen-Age Strangler|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Wild Wild World of Batwoman|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Alien from L.A.|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Beginning of the End|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Atomic Brain|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Outlaw|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Radar Secret Service|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Santa Claus|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Teen-Age Crime Wave|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Village of the Giants|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#12 to the Moon|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#FF9900 | [[#Season 6|S6]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Girls Town|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Invasion USA|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Dead Talk Back|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Zombie Nightmare|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Colossus and the Headhunters|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Creeping Terror|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Bloodlust!|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Code Name: Diamond Head|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Skydivers|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Violent Years|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Last of the Wild Horses|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Starfighters|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Sinister Urge|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#San Francisco International|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Kitten with a Whip|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Racket Girls|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Sword and the Dragon|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#High School Big Shot|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Red Zone Cuba|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Danger!! Death Ray|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Beast of Yucca Flats|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Angels Revenge|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#The Amazing Transparent Man|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FFBB22 | [[#Samson vs. the Vampire Women|24]]
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#FF6699 | [[#Season 7|S7]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Night of the Bloodbeast|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#The Brute Man|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#The Incredible Melting Man|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Escape 2000|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#FF88BB | [[#Laserblast|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=2 |  
| align=center bgcolor=#FF6699 colspan=11 | [[#Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=5 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CC99FF | [[#Season 8|S8]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Revenge of the Creature|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Leech Woman|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Mole People|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Deadly Mantis|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Thing That Couldn't Die|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Undead|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Terror from the Year 5000|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The She-Creature|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#I Was a Teenage Werewolf|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Giant Spider Invasion|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Parts: The Clonus Horror|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Jack Frost|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Riding with Death|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Agent for H.A.R.M.|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Prince of Space|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Horror of Party Beach|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Devil Doll|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Invasion of the Neptune Men|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Space Mutiny|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Time Chasers|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=2 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CC99FF | [[#Season 9|S9]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Projected Man|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Phantom Planet|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Puma Man|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Werewolf|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Deadly Bees|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Space Children|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Hobgoblins|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Touch of Satan|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Gorgo|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Final Sacrifice|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Devil Fish|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#The Screaming Skull|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Quest of the Delta Knights|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#CC99FF | [[#Season 10|S10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Soultaker|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Girl in Gold Boots|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Future War|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Blood Waters of Dr. Z|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Track of the Moon Beast|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Final Justice|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Hamlet|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#It Lives by Night|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Horrors of Spider Island|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Squirm|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEBBFF | [[#Diabolik|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=11 |  
|-
! align=center rowspan=3 bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Alphabet Antics (short)|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Appreciating Our Parents (short)|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Aquatic Wizards (short)|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Assignment: Venezuela (short)|05]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Body Care and Grooming (short)|06]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Case of Spring Fever (short)|07]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Catching Trouble (short)|08]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Century 21 Calling (short)|09]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Cheating (short)|10]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)|11]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Circus on Ice (short)|12]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Date with Your Family (short)|13]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Day at the Fair (short)|14]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Days of Our Years (short)|15]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Design for Dreaming (short)|16]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)|17]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)|18]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)|19]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Here Comes the Circus (short)|20]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=4 |  
|-
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Hired! Part 1 (short)|21]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Hired! Part 2 (short)|22]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Home Economics Story (short)|23]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Is This Love? (short)|24]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Johnny at the Fair (short)|25]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)|26]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Keeping Clean and Neat (short)|27]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Last Clear Chance (short)|28]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Money Talks (short)|29]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Mr. B Natural (short)|30]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)|31]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Out of This World (short)|32]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)|33]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)|34]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)|35]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Posture Pals (short)|36]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Progress Island USA (short)|37]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)|38]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)|39]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)|40]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=4 |  
|-
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)|41]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)|42]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)|43]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)|44]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)|45]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)|46]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)|47]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Selling Wizard (short)|48]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Snow Thrills (short)|49]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)|50]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Speech: Using Your Voice (short)|51]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#The Truck Farmer (short)|52]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)|53]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)|54]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)|55]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)|56]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#What to Do on a Date (short)|57]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)|58]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#X Marks the Spot (short)|59]]
| align=center bgcolor=#EEFF55 | [[#A Young Man's Fancy (short)|60]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 colspan=4 |  
|-
! align=center bgcolor=#99CC66 | [[#Specials|Spec]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special|01]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|02]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|03]]
| align=center bgcolor=#BBEE88 | [[#MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special|04]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 |  
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=5 | [[#Unknown episode|Unknown episode]]
| align=center bgcolor=#333333 |  
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=2 | [[#Notes|Notes]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=4 | [[#Major cast|Major cast]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=3 | [[#See also|See also]]
| align=center bgcolor=#DDDDDD colspan=4 | [[#External links|External links]]
|} 

== Notes ==

* '''How to use this page'''. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a [[w:tooltip|tooltip]]. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.)
* '''What kind of quotes to add'''. Much of the humor in ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes ''do'' include ''MST3K'' humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations).
* '''How to format quotes'''. See the [[Talk:Mystery Science Theater 3000|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.''
* '''What do the colors mean?''' The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for ''MST3K'':
{| border=1 align=center
! align=left bgcolor=#33FF33 | KTMA: Season 0
| bgcolor=#55FF55 | Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#66CC99 | Comedy Central: Season 1
| bgcolor=#88EEBB | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#CCCCFF | Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5
| bgcolor=#DDDDFF | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#FF9900 | Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6
| bgcolor=#FFBB22 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#FF6699 | Comedy Central: Season 7
| bgcolor=#FF88BB | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#FF6699 | Gramercy: ''MST3K: The Movie''
| bgcolor=#FF6699 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#CC99FF | Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10
| bgcolor=#EEBBFF | Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short features (various seasons)
| bgcolor=#EEFF55 | (various casts & channels)
|-
! align=left bgcolor=#99CC66 | CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews)
| bgcolor=#BBEE88 | Mike & the Bots
|} 
 

== KTMA (Season 0) ==

=== The Green Slime ===

:'''Man''': That's an asteroid!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': Hey, Crow.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes, Joel Hodgson?
:'''Joel''': I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out.
:'''Crow''': You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out?
:'''Joel''': It was on [[w:Stereo 8|8-track]].
:''[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]''

=== Invaders from the Deep ===

:''[Troy Tempest pilots the Stingray into a crater in the inkiest depths of the ocean bottom.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea.

=== Revenge of the Mysterons ===

=== Star Force: Fugitive Alien II ===

:''[During an effects sequence.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They must've spent tens of dollars on this.

=== Gamera vs. Barugon ===

:'''Japanese General''': Operation Rear View Mirror has failed.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice.

=== Gamera ===
:'''Crow''': Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at (a spray turns Crow frozen mid-sentence) AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
:'''Joel''': See, I told you guys it would work.

:''[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]''
:'''Dr. Hidaka''': The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere.
:''[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]''
:'''Joel''': There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]''
:'''Kenny''': Tibby? Tibby? Tibby?
:'''Joel''': Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]''
:'''Joel [as Catherine]''': When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole ''box'' of gravel.

=== Gamera vs. Gaos ===

:''[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]''
:'''Joel''': All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy.

=== Gamera vs. Zigra ===

:''[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh my God, it's [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|Gordon Lightfoot]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Helen''': I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera!
:'''Joel''': Keep your shirt on, honey.

=== Gamera vs. Guiron ===

:'''Servo''': Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat.

=== Phase IV ===

:'''Crow''': Looks kinda skinny. Must be a [[w:Karen Carpenter|Carpenter]] [[w:Carpenter ant|ant]]. ''[chuckling]'' Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause—
:'''Joel''': ''[horrified]'' Oh no...
:'''Crow''': Never mind.
:'''Joel''': You don't mean that...
:'''Servo''': [[w:Anorexia nervosa|Ant-orexic]].
:'''Crow''': ''[laughs]'' See? Servo got it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in ''[[The Flintstones]]''.
:'''Crow''': I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]''
:'''Crow''': Hope no one's eating rice at this point.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth?
:'''Crow''': Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill [[w:Sandy Frank|Sandy Frank]]!
:'''Servo''': Oh, that's just a ''given''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While the end credits roll.]''
:'''Crow''': I thought it was deep...
:'''Joel''': What did you think, Servo?
:'''Servo''': I thought it was pathetic.
:'''Crow''': So deep, we should've been wearing boots.
:'''Servo''': This made [[w:Gamera|flying turtles]] look good.

=== Cosmic Princess ===

:''[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]''
:'''Joel''': Kind of a [[w:jack-o'-lantern|jack-o'-lantern]] monster.
:'''Servo''': ''[deadpan]'' Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling.
:'''Crow''': I think the prop department ''juuuust'' ran out of money.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]''
:'''Tony''': 1... 2...
:'''Servo [as Tony]''': 3...
:'''Tony''': 5...
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': What?!
:'''Tony''': 6...
:'''Joel''': That's why they're in such trouble.
:'''Tony''': 7... 4.
:'''Crow''': Well, they are British.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the credits.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Nick Brimble|Nick Brimble]]! I had a knick on my Brimble once.

=== Humanoid Woman ===

:'''Joel''': The plot thickens.
:'''Servo''': Like rancid pea soup.

=== Fugitive Alien ===

:'''Joel''': Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet.

=== SST: Death Flight ===

:''[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]''
:'''Angela''': ''[vapidly]'' Hello!
:''[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Please put your ''brain'' under the seat in front of you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Passengers are boarding.]''
:'''Crow [as Attendant]''': Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]''
:'''Capt. Walsh''': Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Walsh]''': An oncoming plane.
:'''Capt. Walsh''': Although the sky above remains black…
:'''Crow [as Capt. Walsh]''': … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]''
:'''Carla Stanley''': Please, do something! We'll all be ''killed''!
:'''Crow''': I guess she's in charge of panicking.
:'''Servo [as Kingman]''': Okay, all the actors form a line! "[[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]" on the left, "[[w:Fantasy Island|Fantasy Island]]" on the right!

=== Mighty Jack ===

:''[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]''
:'''Joel''': So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing?

=== Superdome ===

:''[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Magnum, P.I.|Magnum, deep fried.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film ends just before the kickoff.]''
:'''Announcer''': There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same.
:'''Servo''': ''[annoyed]'' Who won?
:'''Crow''': I know I'll never be quite the same.
:'''Joel''': This movie's history.
:'''Crow''': We're history.
:'''Joel''': Let's go.
:''[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]''
:'''Servo''': Who won? ... ''Who won?'' ... ''Who won the game?!''

=== City on Fire ===

:''[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha–
:''[Barry Newman's credit appears.]''
:'''Crow''': Like Barry Newman.
:'''Servo''': So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I bet this was made in Canada.
:'''Servo''': ''Oui.''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]''
:'''Dr. Whitman''': You all know "Follow the Leader"?
:'''Crow''': This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]''
:'''Servo [as Diana]''': Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A woman is going into labor.]''
:'''Crow''': Get a catcher's mitt!
:'''Joel''': Boil some water.
:'''Crow''': Boil some newspapers!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Kinda sorry [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley]] bought it.
:'''Joel''': Yeah... kinda of a shame.
:'''Tom''': She bought it, but ''we'' paid for it.

=== Time of the Apes ===

:''[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]''
:'''Crow''': Someone wants to admit that they wrote this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Still shot of two gorillas]''
:'''Crow''': Oh look, it's [[w:Shelly Winters|Shelly Winters]] and [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]].

=== The Million Eyes of Sumuru ===

:''[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol [[w:Frankie Avalon|Frankie Avalon]]) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]''
:'''Joel''': Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain.
:'''Crow''': Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern.
:. . .
:'''Tommy''': I wonder if ''this'' is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah!
:'''Joel''': Good one, Frankie. ''We'll'' make fun of the movie, if you don't mind!

=== Hangar 18 ===

=== The Last Chase ===

:''[a credit for the [[w:Canadian Film Development Corporation|Canadian Film Development Corporation]] appears]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it '''''SUCKED!!'''''

=== Legend of the Dinosaur ===

:'''Servo''': It's [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]], the [[w:Creature from the Black Lagoon|Creature from]] [[w:The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|the Blue Lagoon]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Reporter''': Everyone is asking the same question...
:'''Servo''': Why am I watching this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]''
:'''Joel''': It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie.

== Season 1 ==

=== The Crawling Eye ===

:''[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]''
:'''Mountaineer''': His head! ... It was ''torn off''!
:'''Servo''': You say that like it's a ''bad'' thing.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]''
:'''Servo [as Conductor]''': Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death.

<hr width="50%">
:''[A woman stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]''
:'''Joel [as mountain]''': ''[deeply]'' I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A woman is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike.]''
:'''Man''': Let's get you outside and have some fresh air!
:'''Servo''': I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now.

=== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short) ====

:''[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]
:'''Crow [as Retik/Larry]''': [[w:Newhart#LarryDarryl2|I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Commando Cody''': Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Retik]''': It's an election year.
:'''Retik''': Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion.
:'''Commando Cody''': Why do you want to invade the Earth?
:'''Retik''': Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cody]''': Get a humidifier!

==== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) ====

:''[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]''
:'''Dr. Almada''': So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god [[w:Tezcatlipoca|Tezcatlipoca]].
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Almada]''': The god of decaffeinated coffee.
:'''Dr. Almada''': They were discovered by the tribal priests.
:''[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Dr. Almada]''': They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew [[Advertising slogans#manhandlers|how to handle a hungry man]].

<hr width=50%>
:''[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]''
:'''Joel''': Kind of looks like ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'', doesn't it?
:'''Servo [as Xochi]''': ''[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]''
:: I've reached the end of my life
:: And I'm waiting for the knife to fall.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]''
:'''Dr. Krupp''': Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test!
:'''Joel''': The ''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmo]]'' sex quiz?

=== Mad Monster ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short) ====

:''[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]''
:'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': These are the extras...they'll probably get killed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him.

==== Mad Monster (movie) ====

:''[Local yokel Jed Harper wanders through the misty, jungle-like woods at night.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Beverly Hillbillies#Complete theme song|Theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies']]"]''
:: Come 'n' listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
:: A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
:: Then one day, he was shootin' at some food...
:''[Suddenly, Jed spots Wolfman Petro, who also spies him through the mist.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' And up from the swamp came a big, ugly dude.
:'''Servo''': Wolfman, that is.
:'''Joel''': Black teeth.
:'''Joel, Servo''': Gnarled face.
:''[Petro begins to advance on Jed, who turns and flees.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]''
:: Well, the next thing ya know, ol' Jed's really scared.
:: The kinfolks said, "Jed, get away from there!"
:: Said, "My cabin is the place I oughta be!"
:: So he loaded up his drawers and told his family.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Prof. Blaine''': Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege!
:'''Joel''': Tell that to the NFL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]''
:'''Servo''': Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]''
:'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[viewing Cameron's lab]'' You seem to be excellently equipped.
:'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers.

=== Women of the Prehistoric Planet ===

:''[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]''
:'''Lt. Bradley''': Hi-keeba!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], Servo, and Crow''': SHUT UP!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is he [[w:Primordial soup|primordial]] [[Advertising slogans#soup-yet|soup yet]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Scott]''': I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow.

=== The Corpse Vanishes ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short) ====

==== The Corpse Vanishes (movie) ====

:''[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back!
:''[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lorenz]''': Thank you, I ''love'' cake!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]''
:'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Land Shark (Saturday Night Live)|Landshark]].
: . . .
:''[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]''
:'''Joel [as Landshark]''': Candygram.
: . . .
:''[The two women hear another knock at the door.]''
:'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Pizza delivery|Pizza delivery]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lorenz]''': I've got to go back here and talk to [[w:The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|the Lion and the Witch]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]''
:'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': Now you might feel a little sting...
:''[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]
:'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': OK, a big sting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[during the RAM chip segment]''
:'''Crow''': Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of ''mutants''!
:'''Joel''': ''[chuckles]'' OK...and a bad thing?
:'''Crow''': They were all so ''stupid'', they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life!
:'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' You, my friend, get a RAM chip!

=== The Crawling Hand ===

:''[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]''
:'''Owner''': No dancing, not allowed.
:'''Joel''': This is just like ''[[w:Footloose|Footloose]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]''
:'''Crow [as Owner]''': No acting, not allowed.
: . . .

:''[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]''
:'''Owner''': No rats.
:'''Joel [as Owner]''': Unless they're on the menu.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey! Is this ''[[w:From Here to Eternity|From Here to Eternity]]''?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, it just seems like an eternity.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]''
:'''Marta''': Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"?
:'''Paul''': "Stacked"?
:'''Crow [as Paul]''': "Stacked" means you're really smart.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Police Officer''': Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening?
:'''Crow [as Officer]''': [[w:Koan|The sound of one hand clapping]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a [[w:geiger counter|geiger counter]].]''
:'''Dr. Weitzberg''': Not a trace. Not a solitary trace.
:'''Joel''': Must be a talent meter.

=== Robot Monster ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short) ====
:''[Tom sneezes violently]''
:'''Joel''': Bless you!
:'''Crow''': Gesundheit.
:'''Joel''': You're not supposed to do that...

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) ====

==== Robot Monster (movie) ====

:''[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]''
:'''Ro-Man''': Humans! Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
:'''Joel [as Ro-Man]''': We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you.

<hr width="50%"/>
: ''[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]''
: '''Ro-Man''': And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative.
: '''Crow''': He's so negative!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]''
:'''Joel''': Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen ''[[Salvador Dalí|Dali]]'' paintings that make more sense than this movie does.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between [[w:surrealism|surrealism]] and costume-shop closeouts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]''
:'''Joel''': That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]''
:'''Great Guidance''': To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ro-Man]''': Me-man?
:'''Ro-Man''': Yes. ''[distressed]'' To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?!
:'''Great Guidance''': You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy ''you''.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ro-Man]''': Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice?
:'''Servo [as Great Guidance]''': Do not violate ape law!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Johnny''': I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are!
:''[Short pause.]''
:'''Ro-Man''': Now I will kill you.

=== The Slime People ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short) ====

:''[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hip? Not. Ick!

==== The Slime People (movie) ====

:''[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gregory]''': Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero".
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Answering Machine]''': Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]''
:'''Tolliver''': Genius waits for no one!
:'''Crow''': But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings.
: . . .
:''[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]''
:'''Tolliver''': I… I've never seen anything like it!
:'''Servo''': Even in [[w:Tijuana|Tijuana]]!
: . . .
:''[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]''
:'''Joel''': Lookit — they're all on their way to a [[w:George Romero|George Romero]] [[Dawn of the Dead|film]] festival!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]''
:'''Gregory''': Look at this. Blonde hair.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': At night.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': In a fog.

=== Project Moonbase ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short) ====

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) ====

==== Project Moonbase (movie) ====

:''[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers ''back'' to Brooklyn.

=== Robot Holocaust ===

==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short) ====

==== Robot Holocaust (movie) ====

:''[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]''
:'''Valeria''': You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
:'''Torque''': Yes!
:'''Valeria''': Do you unduhstand, old man?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah! It's ''young girl'' I don't understand.
:'''Valeria''': Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Jorn]''': Yeah. Do you know [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]?
:'''Valeria''': Vewy well. Towque, go now.
:'''Joel [as Jorn]''': Uh, what about [[w:Barbara Walters|Barbara Walters]], or, uh, [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]]? [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]''
:'''Narrator''': A dagger is placed into the ground—
:'''Servo''': A voice-over is placed into the script.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A severed head rolls past]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, it's a spare!
:'''Crow''': Gutter head.

=== Moon Zero Two ===

:''[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Hey it's in color!
:'''Joel''': Yeah.
:'''Servo''': Really bad music already, this is great.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Is this a ''Pink Panther'' movie?
:'''Joel''': No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like.
:'''Servo''': Why would they use cartoons?
:'''Joel''': Uh, so astronauts could understand them.
:'''Servo''': ''[dubiously]'' Ah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]''
:'''Clementine''': He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport.
:'''Capt. Kemp''': He's probably waiting at Moon City.
:'''Clementine''': Mmm, that's what the man said.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Kemp]''': [[w:Listen to What the Man Said|Don't you listen to what the man says]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]''
:'''Korminski''': Yes, ''thees'' time, we ''can'' pay the bill, okay?!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Korminski/[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]]''': Hch-okay, Mee-ster [[Fawlty Towers|Fawlty]]!
: . . .
:''[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]''
:'''Hubbard''': That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he?
:'''Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]''': ''[annoyed]'' He's from Barcelona.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Kaboom!_(video_game)|Kaboom!]]'' would become ''Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!''

=== Untamed Youth ===

:''[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]''
:'''Crow [as Penny]''': Hey, who's the guy in the cage?
:'''Servo [as Farmhand]''': Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a [[w:Sock hop|sock hop]] in their quarters.]''
:'''Joel''': That's the problem with today's youth. ''This'' is how their image of prison is.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jane''': Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song.
:'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[Aida]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bob Steele''': That's the ''worst'' part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her ''name''.
:'''Crow''': She shoulda died at [[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]] — then everyone woulda known her name.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Penny (blonde bombshell [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]]) performs a [[w:Calypso music|calypso]] song and dance, backed by male dancers.]''
:'''Penny''': Come on, boys, and carry my bananas!
:'''Joel''': What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"?
:'''Servo''': I don't wanna know.

=== The Black Scorpion ===

:''[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]''
:'''Narrator''': … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
: . . .
:'''Narrator''': … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]''
:'''Hank''': Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
:'''Artur''': Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
:'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': ''[singing]'' Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
:''[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]''
:'''Servo [as Artur]''': I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in ''water'' first.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]''
:'''Hank''': … I found something a lot more interesting!
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
:'''Crow''': Only mounted. {{hnote|Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who ''was'' stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]''
:'''Dr. Velazco''': But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First—
:'''Servo [as Velazco]''': We're small. We can run fast.
:'''Dr. Velazco''': Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
:'''Crow [as Velazco]''': And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]''
:'''Crow [as Tour Guide]''': Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the ''right'' side of the train…
:'''Servo [as Scorpion]''': Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just ''love'' trains.
:''[The passengers flee the train.]''
:'''Joel [as Company Rep]''': Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.

== Season 2 ==

=== Rocketship X-M ===

:'''Lisa''': How do we stand on fuel now?
:'''Crow''': I'm ''for'' it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Astronaut]''': Well...that could have gone better.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tooter Turtle]''': Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Other Astronaut]''': Nonsense!
:'''Servo [as King Arthur]''': Run away! Run away!
:'''Joel [as Tooter Turtle]''': I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore!
:''[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]''
:'''Servo [as Shaggy]''': Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
:'''Crow [as Mr. Wizard]''': Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome!
:'''Servo [as Mr. Wizard]''': Time for zis vun to come home!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people ''dying'' in a capsule.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah, why couldn't you just show us ''[[w:Marooned (film)|Marooned]]''?
:'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': We couldn't get it!

=== The Sidehackers ===

:''[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]''
:'''Joel''': This grass... It's... drugged!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]''
: '''Crow''': It was about that time the [[The Dukes of Hazzard|Duke boys]] decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about.

<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Paisley''': Why can't I reach you?
: '''Crow''': There's a ladder in the way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''J.C.''': ''[after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious]'' I treated you like a brother!
:'''Crow''': Not a good brother...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Big Jake''': He hit Big Jake!

=== Jungle Goddess ===

==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short) ====

:''[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': I forget who did what here. I say, "[[Latin proverbs#Kill them all|Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out.]]"

==== Jungle Goddess (movie) ====

:''[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'' [[w:George Reeves|George Reeves]]) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]''
:'''Mike''': Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Mike]''': Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from foreign planet.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]''
:'''Bob''': ''[sarcastic]'' White goddess having trouble?
:'''Crow''': White fascist getting smart?

=== Catalina Caper ===

:'''Bob Draper''': Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper.
:'''Don Pringle''': Don Pringle.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Don]''': Heir to the [[w:Pringles|potato chip]] fortune.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the Catalina ferry [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]''
:'''Crow''': Little Richard? I hate [[w:Rich Little|impressionists!]]
:. . .
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Prince (artist)|Prince]], I hope you're watching this!
:'''Joel''': I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs!
:'''Crow''': Little Richard: the one ''true'' talent in this film!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Katrina''': His name is Angelo.
:'''Servo''': He's a [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]''
:'''Servo''': I feel a number coming on…
:'''Carol Connors''': Hey, we better do something, and quick!
:'''Various Cascades''': Yeah! Let's do something.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Gloria Estefan|Gloria Estefan]] and the Catalina [[w:deus ex machina|Deus Ex]] [[w:Gloria Estefan#1984-1988: The Miami Sound Machine|Sound Machina]]!

=== Rocket Attack U.S.A. ===

==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short) ====

==== Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) ====

:''[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]''
:'''Joel''': All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? ''[Servo buzzes in]'' Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
:'''Servo''': Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
:'''Joel''': Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
:'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' DUCK AND COVER!
:'''Joel''': Is right for five points.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]''
:'''Manston''': Hard to believe that a group of ''civilized'' men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
:'''Joel [as Manston]''': That's why we've ''got'' to ''crush'' them!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]''
:'''General''': If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': You mean an [[w:Ronald_Reagan|actor becoming President]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[General Watkins answers his phone.]''
:'''General''': Hello?
:'''Joel [as voice on other end]''': Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?
:'''General''': Yes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park]'' [[Psycho (1960 film)#Taglines|Nobody will be admitted]] during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]''
:'''Manston''': Did Lars give you the TNT?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tanya]''': He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[New York has just been nuked.]''
:'''Crow''': It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The very first ''MST3K'' "stinger"]''
:'''Blind Guy''': Help me.

=== Ring of Terror ===

==== Ring of Terror (movie) ====

:''[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Moffitt]''': Aw, she's the [[wikt:ginchy|ginchiest]]. Life ''does'' begin at 40.
:''[He puts on a sweater.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffitt]''': Let's see… ''[groans]'' …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Moffitt/Old Man]''': I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]''
:'''Crow''': I'm a lamp.

==== The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short) ====

:''[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': It's called a [[w:rubiks cube|Rubiks Cube]]. Don't screw it up!

=== Wild Rebels ===

:''[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an [[w:syrup_of_ipecac|ipecac]].
:'''Joel''': An epa— oh, that [[w:Abacab|Genesis album]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:The Road Not Taken|Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.]]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Adman]''': You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's [[w:Miller Brewing|Miller Time]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Banjo]''': Not this way, man, my mom will see me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, look! [[w:Erik Estrada|Erik Estrada]]!

=== Lost Continent ===
:''[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, look! A [[w:V-2|V-2]]!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': Aw, I could've had a [[w:V8 (beverage)|V8]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]''
:'''Nolan''': Aren't you coming with us?
:'''Native Girl''': ''[nervously]'' Nooo!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Native Girl]''': Me no got lead sarong.
:'''Native Girl''': Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Native Girl]''': Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]''
:'''Crow''': Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film!

=== The Hellcats ===

: '''Biker''': ''[to Ross Hagen]'' Where ya from?
: '''Servo''': ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000#The Sidehackers|Sidehackers]]''.

=== King Dinosaur ===

==== X Marks the Spot (short) ====

:''[title card features a large ''X'', with ''Marks the Spot'' fading in atop it.]''
:'''Crow''': ''Marks the Spot''? Is that like ''[[w:Mack the Knife|Mack the Knife]]''?
:'''Joel''': No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]''
:'''Commissioner Magee''': The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Magee]''': If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there.
:'''Commissioner Magee''': We kill…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
:'''Commissioner Magee''': …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Magee/[[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]]''': You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene fades to an intersection]''
:'''Narrator''': Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Called "Blood Alley."
:'''Narrator''': No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': It made you feel happy.
:''[Scene pans to a car approaching]''
:'''Narrator''': Here comes someone from one direction and...
:''[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]''
:'''Narrator''': ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!
:''[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]
:'''Servo''': Well, I guess ''he'' can't be a witness...

==== King Dinosaur (movie) ====

:''[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" <s>iguana</s> [[w:T. rex|T. rex]].]''
:'''Dr. Bennett''': Oh Ralph, what is it?!
:'''Crow''': ''[yelling]'' It's an iguana, now shut up!

=== First Spaceship on Venus ===

:''[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]''
:'''Brinkman''': Sumiko!
:'''Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]''': I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
:'''Sumiko''': Brinkman! ''[An uneasy moment passes.]'' Have I changed that much?
:'''Joel [as Brinkman]''': Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brinkman]''': Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, [[w:The Blob|Blob]]-like slick chasing them.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, where's [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]] when you need him?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]''
:'''Crow''': Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?

=== Godzilla vs. Megalon ===

:'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]''
:'''Goro''': Hey! The rocket!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[Snorts]'' Rockets!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': On a picnic?
: . . .
:'''Rokuro''': Help me! Hurry up!
:'''Joel''': Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!
: . . .
:''[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]''
:'''Servo''': Guess a rocket ''is'' standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah.
:'''Servo''': Yep!
:'''Crow [as Picnicker]''': Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]''
:'''Jinkawa''': ''[to Goro]'' Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
:'''Joel [as Goro]''': Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]''
:'''Crow [as a Narrator]''': Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! [[w:Maniac (song)|He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...]]
:. . .
:''[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]''
:'''Joel''': They've just created [[w:Jennifer Beals|Jennifer Beals]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]''
:'''Joel [as Capt. Willard]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]''
:'''Goro''': Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
:'''Servo''': ''[Sarcastically]'' No, it's another superhero of your own design!
:'''Goro''': They're controlling him.
:'''Rok-san''': It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!
:'''Crow''': Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
:'''Joel''': Um, no.
:'''Servo''': Not ''this'' kid.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Jinkawa]''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]''
:'''Servo''': I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...
:. . .
:'''Crow''': He's got a foreign object!
:'''Servo''': He ''is'' a foreign object!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]''
:'''Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]''': [[w:They Live|I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]''
:'''Crow [as Megalon/[[w:General Zod|General Zod]]]''': You ''will'' bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
:'''Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]''': Do you expect me to ''talk''?
:'''Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]''': No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to ''die''!
:'''Servo''': Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]''
:'''Servo [as Megalon]''': Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]''
:'''Servo [as Sportscaster]''': Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]''
:'''Rok-san''': Godzilla! Bye-bye!
:'''Servo [as Goro]''': Thanks for leveling our country!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]''
:'''Goro''': ''[Into medallion]'' Jet Jaguar! Let's go home!
:''[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]''
:'''Crow [as Jet Jaguar]''': Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bots' translation of the fabulous Jet Jaguar fight song]''
:''He jock it made of steel.''
:''Eats sushi from a pail.''
:''Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!''
:''He mother never really love him.''
:''He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity.''
:''He [[w:Dickey (garment)|dickey]] covers up an Adam's apple the size of a Toyota.''
:''He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid's head against a rock!''
:''Knock, knock, knock!!''
:''Who's there?''
:''He face look like Jack Nicholson.''
:''Don't laugh like that; it'll stay that way.''
:''Yamahageeooooooh!''
:''[pause]''
:''Do not touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man.''

=== Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster ===

:''[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Godzilla]''': Hey! Whadda ya think I am, [[w:Tippi Hedren|Tippi]] [[w:The Birds (film)|Hedren]]? Get outta here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.{{hnote|A reference to the ''National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue'', the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, ''The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life'', with many Bond girls.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:kebab|Kabob]] and Ka-Steve!

== Season 3 ==

=== Cave Dwellers ===

:''[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': How much Keefe is in this movie?
:'''Servo''': Oh, ''Miles O' Keefe''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ator''': Man's destiny is predetermined.
:'''Joel''': Oh, he's a [[w:Calvinism|Calvinist]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]''
:'''Servo [as one of the villains]''': You idiot, we don't even have a [[w:deer hunting|doe license]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]''
:'''Joel [as Mila]''': Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.
:'''Tom [as Mila]''': What would [[w:MacGyver|MacGyver]] do?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]''
:'''Narrator''': After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, you mean the '80s.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': He never killed, uh, that big a ''puppet'' before.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
:'''Servo''': Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we ''finally'' have our first plot point!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire ''villains'' in this movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]''
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's not slimy at all!
:'''Servo''': That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
: . . .
:'''Servo''': Just cut the wires, Ator!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, come ''on''.
:'''Crow''': What the…?!
:'''Servo''': ''[laughs]''
:'''Joel''': Terrific. ''[childlike voice]'' [[w:The Pee-wee Herman Show|I'm the luckiest boy in the world!]] [[w:John Gillespie Magee, Jr.|I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!]]
:'''Servo''': This is a ''little'' ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? ''[…]'' learned aerodynamics…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Message for you, sir!]]'' Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
:'''Joel''': Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, he's landing in the [[w:outback|outback]] now.
:''[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]''
:'''Crow''': Uh— huh?
:'''Joel''': How'd he do that?
:'''Servo [as Ator]''': How'd I do that?
:''[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]''
:'''Joel''': Well, I s'pose he's got a [[w:tank|tank]] in the courtyard, now.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, and it's made out of [[w:Gilligan's Island|coconuts]].

=== Gamera ===

:''[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gamera]''': Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]''
:'''Kenny''': Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Murase]''': Let's listen to what Kenny has to say!
:'''Dr. Murase''': Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles.
:'''General''': Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Murase]''': Because Kenny ''said'' so.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]''
:'''Newsman''': There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers...
:'''Crow [as Newsman]''': ... and Kenny...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Murase''': Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead.
:'''Servo''': More Gamera movies?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]''
:'''Announcer''': The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area.
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Kenny, however, is free to move about.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Servo finishes a song about Tibby the turtle]''
:'''Crow''': Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle?

=== Pod People ===

:''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] karaoke machine]''
:'''Dr. Forrester''': For example, say you're at a karaoke bar. Now, what happens when someone gets on stage and wants to sing... oh, "[[w:I Want to Know What Love Is|I Want to Know What Love Is]]" by Foreigner?
:'''TV's Frank''': People vomit?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Your movie today is ''Pod People''. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has ''everything'' to do with hurting!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:It was a dark and stormy night|It was a dark and stormy night]]. I'd taken a creative writing class.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]''
:'''Hunter #1''': What the hell is that?
:'''Hunter #2''': I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear!
:'''Crow''': A ''[[w:pear|pear]]''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, what is he, an ''[[w:Los_Angeles_riots_of_1992|L.A. Cop]]''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]''
:'''Rick''': It stinks!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell.
:'''Crow''': Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em?
:'''Joel [as Adman]''': It's because of [[w:Smuckers|Smuckers]] raspberry preserves.
:'''Crow''': And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]''
:'''Servo''': Syntho-birds.
:'''Crow''': Hey, it's a [[w:Casio|Casio]] forest.
:'''Joel''': They parked next to a data stream.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]''
:'''Joel [as Tommy]''': Hey, what gives? [[w:Carton#Faces of missing children|''I'm'' on the milk carton]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tommy''': You know what "play" means, Trumpy?
:'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': Yes, it's where I break you in half.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]''
:'''Tommy''': You see? The pieces go together.
:'''Joel''': Oh, if only this ''film'' were so lucky.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]''
:'''Joel''': They got ''[[w:Wild Kingdom|Wild Kingdom]]'' on the telescope.
: . . .
:'''Tommy''': You can do ''magic'' things!
:''[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]''
:'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': It's called "evil", kid.
:'''Servo''': Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm?
:'''Joel''': He's got [[w:Bette Davis Eyes|Bette Davis eyes]].
:'''Crow''': [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]] eyes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]
:'''Crow [as Molly]''': Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Meanwhile, in another movie? ''[sighs]'' Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tommy's mother''': Tommy, can you hear me?
:'''Joel [as Tommy's mother]''': [[w:Tommy (album)|Can you feel me near you?]]

<hr width=''50%"/>
(Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly)
:'''Joel''': I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works!
:'''Servo''': I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams)
:'''Joel''': ''Oh, we've got commercial sign!!''

=== Gamera vs. Barugon ===

:''[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Bible#death-sting|Death, where is thy sting?]] We're ''waiting''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': And, we'll be right back, right after this.
:
:Kids, here's the greatest, the neatest, the latest thing! 5000-piece Fightin' Men 'N Monster Set (some pieces not included)! Astonish and baffle your friends and foes as you pulverize Japan! Here's what you get:
:500 Japanese light infantry (body parts may not be missing)
:36 helpless individuals
:20 tanks
:15 recoil-less rifles (not in the set)
:24 Bazooka Gum runners
:18 ambulance chasers
:12 jet fighters (six not included)
:16 helicopter parts
:200 shooting crouchers
:19 fighting clowns
:8 deserters
:6 geese a laying
:24 Mohawk Indians
:And much much much much more!
:Act now and receive, at half the extra value, the Mystifying Monster Action Pack! Flame on with Gamera (torso sold seperately), he belches real fire and causes real pain! Solid rubber Barugon comes complete with optional ram-tongue action (not responsible for nerve damage)!
:Act now, act often, and snap on the entire Tokyo Metropolitan Area (some parts may not exist)! Complete with buildings, bridges and the breakaway Monte-Nuco Dam (smaller than shown)! Trample the add on Hapless Citizen Play Set, then abhor the action with the fabulous Anti-War Protest Pack (Senator Wellstone not included)!
:But that's not all! Relive your favorite Japanese movie carnage with the Lights, Gamera, Action series! There's the Gimp, the Goon, the Shamed Old Brother, the Hapless Geisha and the Fall-Apart Voodoo Kenny!
:Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Review, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you created explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah or Puerto Rico! Prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, and some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! Mommy! Mommy!
:''[Joel muffles him with an oxygen mask]''
:'''Joel''': Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one. Let's not do that again.

=== Stranded in Space ===

=== Time of the Apes ===

:''[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Caroline]''': My piece of wood! It died so that we might live.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]''
:'''Crow [as Officer]''': About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Caroline''': Catherine, I'm scared!
:'''Catherine''': Don't worry, we're with you.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We're doomed, but with you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]''
:'''Catherine''': Hurry, this way!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, like you know where you're going!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': AAAH! The tree's having a seizure!

=== Daddy-O ===

==== Alphabet Antics (short) ====

:''[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]''
:'''Servo''': D is for damned, as in "[[w:Village Of The Damned|Village Of]]".
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as dancing boy/Hitler]''': You vill dance with me, Eva!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]''
:'''Servo [as giraffe]''': I want a Clark bar.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]''
:'''Joel''': I is for Ike. He hides inside.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large ice cream cone is seen]''
:'''Joel''': Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone.
:. . .
:''[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]''
:'''Joel''': And there's Elvis now.
:. . .
:''[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[before the narrator can talk]'' N is for float... huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, and there's Louie Anderson.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': O is for once...
:'''Servo''': "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike?
:. . .
:''[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]''
:'''Servo''': O is for the obscene treatment of animals.
:. . .
:'''Joel''': P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': P is for plagiarism from [[w:Ogden Nash|Ogden Nash]]! {{hnote|The narrator's line is lifted from ''The Pelican'', a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, these are all boys!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': U is for upchuck that comes from below. ''[imiates vomiting]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': X is for Xmas...
:'''Servo''': X is for existential dilemma.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Yeah, well, Y is for [[w:Yanni|Yanni]], as far as I'm concerned.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]''
:'''Joel''': Y is the chemical symbol for [[w:yttrium|heavy metals]] that the fish is full of!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film ends]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness.

==== Daddy-O (movie) ====

:''[Upon seeing title of movie]''
:'''Crow''': Daddy-O!
:'''Servo''': Must be [[W:Harry O|Harry O]]'s father. Or [[w:Wendy O. Williams|Wendy O.]]'s dad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]''
:'''Crow [as Chillas]''': Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]''
:'''Crow [as Chillas]''': You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]''
:'''Joel [as Chillas]''': Let's eat some butter. ''Gobs'' of butter. Big handfuls!
:''[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]''
:'''Phil''': What's this?
:'''Servo [as Chillas]''': It's made of butter.

=== Gamera vs. Gaos ===

:''[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, bless you.
:''[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[startled]'' Was ''he'' mooing?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Photographer''': ''[trying to get Eiichi's attention]'' Hey, Boy! Boy!
:'''Joel''': [[w:West Side Story|Crazy Boy!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]''
:'''Crow''': Welcome to this week's edition of ''[[w:Meet the Press|Eat the Press]]''.

=== The Amazing Colossal Man ===

:''[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in Irish accent]'' Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[in old lady voice]'' Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Glenn''': All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore.
:'''Joel [as Glenn]''': I'm a Toys 'R Us kid.
:'''Glenn''': ''I don't want to grow anymore!''
:'''Joel [as Glenn]''': ''I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield.

=== Fugitive Alien ===

:''[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]''
:'''Mike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]''': Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in ''well'' over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… ''horribly'' old.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]''
:: This is the song written for the train chase.
:: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
:: He tried to kill me with a forklift…
:: Olé!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ken''': There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!

=== It Conquered the World ===

==== Snow Thrills (short) ====

: ''[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]''
:'''Tom''': Boy, all this just to talk to [[w:Jim McKay|Jim McKay]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]''
:'''Narrator''': ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us!
:'''Joel''': Yeah, well, you're full of skit.
:. . .
:''[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]''
:'''Tom''': Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs.

==== It Conquered the World (movie) ====

:''[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson ([[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]]) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]''
:'''Paul Nelson''': I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying.
:'''Servo [as Tom Anderson]''': Then gimme back my cocktail.
:'''Tom Anderson''': It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me.
:'''Crow [as Tom Anderson]''': Bitter? Oh, a ''tad''.
: . . .
:''[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]''
:'''Joan Nelson''': A personal ''friend'' of yours?
:'''Servo [as Joan]''': Name dropper!
:'''Claire Anderson''': ''[sarcastically]'' Real chums.
:'''Tom Anderson''': The days when people made fun of me are over, girl.
:'''Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]''': [[Superman II#General Zod|You will bow down before me!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul Nelson ([[w:Peter Graves (actor)|Peter Graves]]) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]''
:'''Paul Nelson''': He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself.

=== Gamera vs. Guiron ===

:''[The movie credits show: © MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the Nestlé's jingle]'' M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' Movies — NOT!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]''
:'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An establishing shot of [[w:Gaos|Gaos]]]''
:'''Joel''': [[w:Come Together|Here comes old flattop...]]
:'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' Don't! [[George Harrison]] will sue you!
:'''Joel''': Oops, sorry!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]''
:'''Joel [as Space Girl]''': Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]''
:'''Akio''': Hey, what happened to my hair?
:'''Tom''': The space aliens did it, they're cannibals!
:'''Joel''': They '''''ate''''' my hair?
:''[this particular joke was improvised by [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh's Servo]] in [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Gamera vs. Guiron|the original KTMA episode]]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]''
:'''Crow [as Tomoko]''': I'll show her! [[w:Yoko Ono|I'm gonna grow up to break up]] [[The Beatles]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]''
:'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[in psychotic child voice]'' When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]''
:'''Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]''': Shut up and keep driving!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]''
:'''Tomoko''': Kon-chan?
:'''Officer Kondo''': Heh? What?
:'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[whispers]'' They will all die by Gamera's hand!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]''
:'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed!

=== Earth vs. the Spider ===

==== Speech: Using Your Voice (short) ====

:'''Professor Bueller''': Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale...
:'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...or an arm...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]''
:'''Professor Bueller''': Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing.
:'''Servo [as Bueller]''': Oh, and you must have a wire rack.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Professor Bueller''': Do you know...
:'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]
:'''Man #1''': Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well...
:'''Crow [as Man #1]''': Uh... er... panties!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]
:'''Bueller''': Now, let's look at another typical example.
:''[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]''
:'''Crow [as Bueller]''': This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now ''he'' is pleasing.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]''
:'''Man #2''': Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when...
:'''Crow [as Man #2]''': Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'...
:'''Man #2''': I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and...
:'''Servo''': Ah, [[Garrison Keillor]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Professor Bueller''': Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do...
:'''Joel [as Bueller]''': ...will wish he were dead.

==== Earth vs. the Spider (movie) ====

:''[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': No, [[w:Doctor Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Erhardt]], no! So ''that's'' what happened to him!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wow.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Erhardt]''': Enjoy! {{hnote|The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel mentions [[w:KISS_%28band%29|KISS]]]''
:'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were '''NEVER''' cool!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]''
:'''Crow''': It's Rose Kennedy!

=== Mighty Jack ===
:''[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]''
:'''Joel''': Sex cameraman? Is this a–
:'''Servo''': No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Blow the Man Down"]''
::Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down
::Way hey, slow the plot down!
::We'll scuttle the story and run her aground.
::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!
::
::Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense.
::Way hey, slow the plot down!
::Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense!
::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down!

=== Teenage Caveman ===

==== Aquatic Wizards (short) ====

:'''Announcer''': Where's the third fellow? He's ''chicken'' — never jumped at all.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah!
:''[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]''

...

:'''Servo''': Forget about life-jackets this is The 50's.

==== Catching Trouble (short) ====

:''[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]''
:'''Ted Husing''': Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ted Husing]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Kill Colonel Kurtz]]!
:'''Ted Husing''': It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers."
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[Groucho Marx]]]''': And two hard-boiled eggs.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as [[w:Harpo Marx|Harpo Marx]]]''': Honk!
:'''Crow [as Groucho Marx]''': Make that three hard-boiled eggs. {{hnote|Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]''
:'''Ted Husing''': Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago?
:'''Servo [as Husing]''': For voting twice?
:'''Ted Husing''': Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bobcat]''': Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]''
:'''Ted Husing''': Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hurting the people you know and love?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ted Husing''': Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...or call [[w:People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]''
:'''Joel''': What I wouldn't give to see that cub's ''mom'' show up right about now, huh, guys?

==== Teenage Caveman (movie) ====

:''[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:How Green Was My Valley|How green was my valley?]]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Not very.

<hr width="50%">
:'''Joel''': This script is like a telephone directory!
:'''Crow''': But not as interesting.

=== Gamera vs. Zigra ===

=== Viking Women and the Sea Serpent ===

==== The Home Economics Story (short) ====

:''[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]''
:'''Joel''': Iowa State College: The high school ''after'' high school!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [singing]''': ''If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]''
:'''Joel [as Principal]''': ''Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.''
:'''Crow [as Principal]''': Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen?
:''[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]''
:'''Matronly Woman''': Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know ''very'' well.
:'''Servo [as Matronly Woman]''': ...and why I'm being fired.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay is discussing college with her family.]''
:'''Servo''': She consulted Robert McNamara.
:'''Joel''': And Ayn Rand!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Kay sends her application letter.]''
:'''Narrator''': She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box.
:'''Crow''': (chuckles maniacly)
:'''Joel''': Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here.
:''[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]''
:'''Servo [as Kay]''': It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself!
:'''Joel''': It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]''
:'''Crow [as Jean]''': ''[in a [[w:Curly Howard|Curly Howard]] voice] Hi!'' Howya ''doin'?'' We're gonna have a ''great'' time! We're gonna be ''pals''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a costume design class]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Camarillo_Brillo|Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A football game is starting.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
:'''Joel [as audience member]''': Play "Whipping Post"!
:''[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[in marching cadence]'' I'm a [[w:Cotton swab|Q-tip]], what are you!
:''[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]''
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]''': Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]''
:'''Servo''': Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade.
:'''Narrator''': ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question.
:'''Joel [as Kay]''': How do Pop-Tarts work?
:'''Kay''': What are you doing to major in, Helen?
:. . .
:'''Louise''': What are you going to take, Jean?
:'''Joel [as Jean]''': I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got!
:. . .
:'''Kay''': You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach.
:'''Joel [as Kay]''': Because I can't do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]''
:'''Joel [as little girl]''': ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]''
:'''Joel [as announcer]''' ''Home Economics'', starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.
:'''Voice Over''': What is "Home Economics"?
:'''Crow''': Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]''
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's [[w:Abbey_Road|Abbey Road]].
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]''': [[w:The_Monkees_(TV_series)|''Here we come, walking down the street...'']]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [singing]''': ''It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]''
:'''Narrator''': Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all.
:'''Servo''': And to re-enact the last scene from ''[[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]]''.

==== Viking Women and the Sea Serpent (movie) ====

=== Star Force: Fugitive Alien II ===

:''[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus 3.]''
:'''Ken''': Hey! Hey! Hey!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ken]''': Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Bacchus 3 crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]''
:'''Rocky''': It won't be easy getting into this place.
:'''Ken''': How will we do it?
:'''Rocky''': Easy.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wha— wait a minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In a desert, The Bacchus 3 crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]''
:'''Crow [as one of the crew]''': Hey, corn...CORN?!?

=== War of the Colossal Beast ===

==== Mr. B Natural (short) ====

:''[Confused about a name in the opening credits]''
:'''Joel''': What does "A.S.C." mean?
:'''Servo''': "A sick cookie".
:'''Joel''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the background music in the opening credits]''
:''Come on and buy some crap from us''
:''You know that you want to''
:''And the white race will salute you''
:''As you prance and gad about!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A large, [[w:bleacher|bleacher]]-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]''
:'''Mr. B Natural''': Boy! Am I glad to see you!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, it's not mutual!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': [[w:Yoda|Knew your father, I did!]]
:'''Joel''': Hey, leave my father out of this!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': And your grandfather! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the [[w:Garden of Eden|garden]] with [[w:Adam and Eve|Mr. and Mrs. Adam]]!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, you were the snake!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': The spirit of music's inside all of you.
:'''Crow''': No, I bathe.
:'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit)

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]''
:'''Joel [as Jim]''': Got it from the [[w:Franklin Mint|Franklin Mint]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]''
:'''Jeanie''': Wanna come? We could dance!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Buzz]''': Don't hit me!
:'''Buzz''': No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay...
:'''Jeanie''': But that's not due for two weeks!
:'''Buzz''': I know Jeanie... but I...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Buzz]''': ...[[w:John Hinckley, Jr.|I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Buzz]''': ''[in a whiny voice]'' That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an [[w:androgynous|androgynous]] man would come and visit me...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz".

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the ''spirit''!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, calls for ''Satan''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]''
:'''Buzz''': Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading.
:'''Buzz's Mother''': All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...?
:'''Crow [as Buzz's Mother]''': ''This'' time, don't make so much noise when you "read."

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel [as Buzz's Mother]''': Why does my kid have to be such a dud? ''I'' was popular!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside ''you''! That's ''me'', B Natural!
:'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' So I'm attracted to ''guys'' now?
:''[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos.
:'''Crow [as [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]]''': The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]''
:'''Mr. B Natural''': And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz.
:'''Servo''': Kicks!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': The glamour of the uniform...
:'''Servo''': Kicks!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': The thrill of traveling for a band competition...
:'''Servo''': The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!
:'''Mr. B Natural''': ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun!
:'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Yeah, that's nice... '''MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. B Natural''': When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn!
:'''Joel''': Uh, Mr. B, what would ''you'' know about dignity?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]''
:'''Joel''': You know, I think [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]] only ''wished'' he was this gay, you know?
:'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'' accept our ''sincere'' apology for ''all'' of this. Please.
:'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Forget music, I wanna dance!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B dances to some music.]''
:'''Crow''': He's so perky... kill her.
:'''Servo''': See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]''
:'''Joel [as Buzz]''': ''[in a panicky voice]'' Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[in a midwestern voice]'' Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]''
:'''Joel''': [[w:Honey_West_(TV_series)|''Honey West!'']]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]''
:'''Joel''': Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]''
:'''Servo''': Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet.
:'''Crow''': This trumpet is flatlining!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buzz is performing at a school dance]''
:'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the music]'' We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white...
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as radio host]''': Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour...
:. . .
:''[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]''
:'''Joel''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band.

==== War of the Colossal Beast (movie) ====

:''[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Car Occupants]''': ''[singing to "[[w:99 Bottles of Beer|99 Bottles of Beer]]"]''
:: [[One Hundred Years of Solitude|100 years of solitude]], 100 years of solitude!
:: Take one down, pass it around,
:: 99 years of solitude!

=== The Unearthly ===

==== Posture Pals (short) ====
:'''Servo''': The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[talking about the posture contest]''
:'''Narrator''': The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns.
:'''Joel''': Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and wear crappy hats.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]''
:'''Narrator''': ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Here, she re-enacts her first [[w:Driving under the influence|DUI]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]''
:'''Narrator''': Doesn't Bombo look tired?
:'''Crow''': Yes, very much so.
:''[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]''
:'''Joel [as Bombo]''': No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
:''[Servo makes broken spine noises]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]''
:'''Narrator''': Tommy reminds Jimmy—
:'''Joel''': Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you!
:'''Narrator''': —when Jimmy stands off-balance.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face.
:'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong!
:'''Tom''': Heh-heh... what?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test.
:''[A silhouette appears on screen]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, it's [[w: Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]]!
:'''Tom''': Yeah, after [[w:Slim Fast|Slim-Fast]]!
:''[All sing the [[w:Alfred Hitchcock Presents|Alfred Hitchcock Presents]] theme]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture.
:'''Joel''': And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mary is voted posture queen]''
:'''Crow''': FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX!
:''[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]''
:'''Servo''': Then Mary's head is lit on fire!
:'''Narrator''': And the other three children win the other posture crowns.
:'''Servo''': Definitely a fix.
:'''Narrator''': Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures?
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': '''NO!'''
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Their chances of ever being cool are ''over''!

==== Appreciating Our Parents (short) ====

:''[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]''
:'''Narrator''': Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...in a prison break.
:'''Narrator''': ...and now, it's mended as good as new.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Tommy's the [[w:The Lathe of Heaven|Lathe of Heaven]].

==== The Unearthly (movie) ====

:''[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]) as he reassures new patient Grace.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, John — why the long face, pal?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]''
:'''Sharon''': Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here.
:''[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sharon]''': NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]''
:'''Sharon''': Don't you enjoy the doctor's music?
:'''Crow [as Mark]''': Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'.
: . . .
:''[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]''
:'''Crow [as Conway]''': I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Groucho]''': [[Groucho Marx#cant-finish|I can't think of anything else!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]''
:'''Lobo''': Time for go to bed!
:'''Joel''': Well said.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]''
:'''Joel''': His story has a better plot than this ''movie''...

=== [[w:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]] ===

:''[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I wanna decide who lives and who dies!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]''
:'''Crow [as TV Announcer]''':For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar ([[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]]) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]''
:'''Kimar''': Now, go to sleep!
:'''Girmar''': Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more.
:'''Bomar''': I want to see more toys!
:'''Kimar''': No, go to sleep!
:'''Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]''': Will you [[w:Pia Zadora#Film career|buy me a Golden Globe]], then?
:'''Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]''': Why, sure!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter.
:'''Servo''': ''[in nerdy voice]'' You know… if they cancel ''[[w:Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'', I'm gonna kill myself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]''
:'''Crow [as Santa]''': ''[cheerfully]'' Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]''
:'''Bomar''': The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head.
:'''Joel [as Santa]''': Don't worry, we'll give them to [[w:Dyslexia|dyslexic kids]].
:. . .
:'''Girmar''': Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis raquet!
:'''Joel [as Santa]''': We'll have to sell this stuff to [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]''
:'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Forrester]]''': Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny!
:'''[[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]]''': Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh…
:'''Dr. Forrester''': You… hocked… my… Rolex.
:'''TV's Frank''': Yah…
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
:'''TV's Frank''': Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called ''[[w:Final Exit|Final Exit]]''. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
:'''TV's Frank''': Heh heh. Oh, Henry! {{hnote|A twisted allusion to O. Henry's ''The Gift of the Magi'', about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.}}

=== Master Ninja I ===

:''[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]''
:'''Sheriff Kyle''': Pull over! This is the sheriff's office!
:'''Crow''': ''Office''?! That's a ''car''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Holly Trumball ([[w:Demi Moore|Demi Moore]]) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]''
:'''Holly''': You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you.
:'''Max''': I'm going off duty for the day.
:'''Holly''': Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand.
:'''Joel''': Uh, let [[w:Dennis Miller|Dennis Miller]] do Dennis Miller, Demi.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mr. Trumball''': You got a warrant, sheriff?
:'''Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]''': Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]''
:'''Okasa''': The old man hired you?
:'''McAlister''': I am not for hire.
:'''Okasa''': We are all for hire. In dark times...
:'''McAlister''': The dark times have gone.
:'''Servo''': You guys speaking in [[w:haiku|haiku]] all of a sudden??? Whoa!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Max and the Master set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]''
:'''Max''': Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja.
:'''Servo''': We'll be the judge of that.
:'''Crow [as TV announcer]''': Chevy Van: A [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] production.
:'''Max''': We're being followed!
:'''Servo [as the Master]''': Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie!
:''[The van makes a sharp left.]''
:'''Crow [as the Master]''': Quick! Take a turn here on [[w:Steven J. Cannell|Steven J. Cannell]] Boulevard!
:'''Max''': Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises.
:'''Crow''': Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that '''Master Ninja''', rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called '''The Master'''.''}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Okasa has the Master cornered, but the Master uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, ninjas never had those.
:'''Servo [as Okasa]''': Damn. He knows [[w:Doug Henning|Doug Henning]].
:'''Max''': You all right?
:'''Joel [as the Master]''': I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop.

=== The Castle of Fu Manchu ===
'''Crow''': Staring contest on the left. Check it out.

'''Fu Manchu''': ''This is Fu Manchu.'' 
'''Crow''' ['''As Fu Manchu''']: And you're ''not''.

=== Master Ninja II ===

:''[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]''
:'''Max''': I'm here. Are you?
:'''Carrie''': Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day.
:'''Max''': I hear ya. [''The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.'']
:'''Servo [as Carrie]''': You're a wry wit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]''
:'''Joel''': You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten.

== Season 4 ==

=== Space Travelers ===

:''[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]''
:'''Crow''': Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much.

=== The Giant Gila Monster ===

:''[The film's title appears on the screen]''
:'''Joel, Crow & Tom''': ''[singing to tune of [[w:Hava Nagila|Hava Nagila]]]'': Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]''
:'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!"
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row.
:'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!"
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's why the Deuteronomy's so long.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Gila Monster]''': And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]''
:'''Tom [as [[Apocalypse Now|Colonel Kurtz]]]''': The horror! The horror!
:''[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]''
:'''Crow''': Aw, they killed off the only likeable character!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]''
:'''Chase''': Two twenties!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': That makes thirty dollars!

=== City Limits ===

:'''TV's Frank''': It's none other than British pop star, [[Morrissey]]!... He's a little depressed.
:''[Frank turns to Morrissey]''
:'''TV's Frank''': So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'?
:'''Morrissey''': ''[turns to Dr. Forrester]'' He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried?
:'''TV's Frank''': Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing.
:'''Morrissey''': Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Morrissey''': This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": ''I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have weep for hours...''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Woody and Yogi ([[w:Rae Dawn Chong|Rae Dawn Chong]]), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]''
:'''Woody''': I lost a tooth.
:'''Servo [as Yogi]''': Oh Jeez, I told you to floss!
:''[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]''
:'''Crow [as Woody]''': Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up.
:'''Joel''': This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny.
:'''Servo''': He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]''
:'''Sammy''': It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good!
:'''Joel''': Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]''
:'''Servo''': No acting beyond this point. Not allowed.
:'''Crow''': The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]''
:'''Servo''': Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it ''does'' say that [[w:Boy George|Boy George]] rides in flinging molotov cocktails.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]''
:'''Mick''': You're nothin'.
:'''Joel [as Woody]''': Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head.
:'''Mick''': I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but—
:'''Crow [as Woody]''': Nope. Pretty much squat there, too.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mick''': We ain't stupid.
:'''Bolo''': Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick.
:'''Crow''': Not on screen anyway.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, ''Austin'' City Limits!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Albert ([[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]]) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]''
:'''Tom [as Albert]''': [[w:CNN#CNN in popular culture|This is F.U.N.]]

=== Teenagers from Outer Space ===

:''[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]'' 
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Wow, really ''old'' teenagers from outer space.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]'' 
:'''Spacecraft Captain''': When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to ''torture''!
:'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''TORCHAA!!''

<hr width="50%"/> 
:'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons!
:'''Servo [as Captain]''': ''We'' have the [[w:Pizza#Types of pizza|supreme pizzas]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]''
:'''Thor''': Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall."
:'''Crow T. Robot''': You mean a ''day?''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]'' 
:'''Joel [as Derek/Freddy]''': ''[singing to "[[w:On the Street Where You Live|On the Street Where You Live]]"]''
:: I have often walked down the street before,
:: But I've never done it packing heat before…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]'' 
:'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons!
:'''Crow''': Ahh, turn [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]] off!

<hr width="50%"/> 
:'''Betty''': Where are you from Derek?
:'''Joel [as Derek]''': A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me".

=== Being from Another Planet ===

:''[Watching the title credit]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this.

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Establishing shot of hospital]''
:'''Servo''': ...and now, ''[[W:Trapper John, M.D.|Trapper John, M.D.]]''!
:'''Crow''': Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to ''[[w:Medical Center (TV series)|Medical Center]]''!
:'''Servo''': Yeah!

=== Attack of the Giant Leeches ===

:''[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]''
:'''Clown #1''': Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower?
:'''Servo''': Yes, about a ''kajillion times!''
:'''Clown #1''': Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash?
:''[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]''
:'''Joel''': Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal!
:'''Clown #2''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll?
:''[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]''
:'''Clown #2''': ''[to Clown #1]'' Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

==== Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short) ====

:''[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]''
:'''Doctor #1''': Fine chap. I wish we had more like him!
:'''Crow [as Doctor #2]''': Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is!
:'''Doctor #2''': He'll make a fine Naval officer.
:'''Servo''': He'll make several of them!

==== Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) ====

:''[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, Mommy!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:Honey West|Honey West]]''!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match.

=== The Killer Shrews ===

:'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Your movie for today's experiment makes even ''me'' sick—and I liked ''[[w:Morgan Stewart's Coming Home|Morgan Stewart's Coming Home]]''.

==== Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) ====

:''[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]''
:'''Narrator''': Junior Rodeo Daredevils.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Smothered in gravy—Texas style!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day.
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': All nine of 'em.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]''': And the crowd goes wild!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[dully]'' [[w:Tom Slick (cartoon)|Yay]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a succesful cattle roping]''
:'''Narrator''': Eight seconds.
:'''Joel [as the boy]''': Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater.
:'''Joel''': It's sad, really.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of ''[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]'']'' ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!!

==== The Killer Shrews (movie) ====

:''[The narrator describes the voracious [[w:shrew|shrew]].]''
:'''Narrator''': He ''must'' eat his own body weight every few hours…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …[[w:Slim Fast#Marketing|plus a delicious shake]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]''
:'''Sherman''': Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here!
:'''Crow [as Sherman]''': These things make everything look bigger!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Sherman]''': I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the [[w:Satellite of Love|SOL]].]''
:'''Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]''
:: Killer shrew! Killer shrew!
:: Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you!
:: He comes out at night to give you a fright.
:: Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite!
:: Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh
:: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew!
:: He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough.
:: He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]''
:'''Servo''': Puppies!

=== Hercules Unchained ===

:''[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Hardly ''any'' animals were hurt in the making of this movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]''
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ulysses]''': I'm cuckoo for [[w:Cocoa Puffs|Cocoa Puffs]]! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Kennedy family|Kennedys]] ruled Greece.

=== Indestructible Man ===

==== Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short) ====

==== Indestructible Man (movie) ====
:''[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]''
:'''Joel''': Only millions of Christians.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]''
:'''Joel''': He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's.
:'''Crow [as Chaney]''': Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]''
:'''Servo''': Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, please. He should quit ''his'' job. Strippers make way more money than cops!

=== Hercules Against the Moon Men ===

:''[Repeated Lines]''
: '''Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank''': DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]''
:'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of ''me'' all day long!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]''': [[w:Little Caesars|Pizza, pizza]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Princess]''': Herc, you gonna help us move?
:'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs me my life.
:'''Hercules''': Now see them both safely back to the city.
:'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs you my life.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]''
:'''Joel''': It's the [[w:Monsters of Rock|Monsters of Rock]] Tour!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]''
:'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Don't let him get you over his head!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of barren moonscape]''
:'''Servo''': We seem to be in some sort of [[w:Limbo|Limbo]] zone.
:'''Crow''': [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]?
:'''Joel''': No, that would be more like [[w:Hell|Hell]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]''
:'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Wanna get ''stoned''? ''[pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]''
:'''Crow [as Bob Dylan]''': [[w:Rainy Day Women #12 & 35|Everybody must get stoned!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': ''[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper]'' Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...?
:'''Crow''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It's really not that good!
:'''Joel''': Come with me, mister! ''[grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]''
:'''Crow''': AAAAAAGH!

=== The Magic Sword ===

:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]], your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of [[w:Bert I Gordon|Bert I Gordon]]. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring [[w:sword and sorcery|sword and sorcery]], Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed [[w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The knights face an ogre.]''
:'''Joel''': [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]], no!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[George fights a two-headed dragon.]''
:'''Joel''': Lighten up, they’re just puppets!
:'''Crow''': Hey...
:'''Joel''': Sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]''
:'''Crow''': I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel, Tom and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT!
:'''Tom Servo''': EEAUGHHH!
:'''Crow''': ''[continues singing, ignoring Tom]'' She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED!

=== Hercules and the Captive Women ===

:''[Gypsy makes a rare theater apperance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]''
:'''Gypsy''': Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting!
:'''Joel''': ''[trying to hide his amusement]'' Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie.
:'''Gypsy''': ''[catching herself]'' Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]''
:'''Gypsy''': Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses!
:'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' All right, Gypsy! Good one!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]''
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons...]]''

=== Manhunt in Space ===

==== General Hospital, Installment 1 (short) ====

:''[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, here comes [[w:Nosferatu|Nurse-feratu]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[ [[w:Steve Hardy|Dr. Steve Hardy]] appears on-screen.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, he was old even then!

==== Manhunt in Space (movie) ====

:''[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! It's the [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|MST3K]] logo!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[aside]'' Uh, you're not supposed to know about that...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, uh... ''[whistles innocently.]''

=== Tormented ===

:''[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]''
:'''Vi''': Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me!
:'''Crow''': Bingo!
: . . .
:''[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]''
:'''Vi''': Help me! Please, Tom, help me!
:'''Servo [as Tom Stewart]''': What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye.
:'''Vi''': Save me, Tom, please!
:'''Joel''': Well, that's what she gets for railing against him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]''
:'''Tom''': Meg's mad at me.
:'''Sandy''': She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me!
:'''Tom''': O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life.
:'''Joel''': Put her down, [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis#Scandal|Jerry Lee]]!

=== The Beatniks ===

==== General Hospital, Installment 2 (short) ====

:'''Ken''': Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]''': Yeah, he's [[w:Harvey (film)|a big rabbit]], you see, there...

==== The Beatniks (movie) ====

:'''Eddie [singing]''': ''Anything...''
:'''Joel''': ...Is better than this ''crap!''

=== Fire Maidens of Outer Space ===

:''[On the SOL bridge, Crow's menacing dark twin "Timmy" mutters something to Crow.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, Joel… uh, Timmy's worried about Servo.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh… why?
:'''Crow''': Um, well, he says he should cut down on the bacon and lard sandwiches before he ''dies''.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What?!
: . . .
<div id="CrowSyndrome-FMoOS">
:''[An example of [[w:Crow T. Robot#Crow Syndrome|Crow Syndrome]].]'' 
:'''Joel''': Well, anyway, with [[w:double entendre|double entendre]], you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — does this ''TV'' have a ''remote''? Mmmmm!"
:'''Servo''': Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — check out the arms on ''this'' jumpsuit!" Right?
:'''Joel''': Oh, right on! Woo-hoo!
:'''Servo''': All right, yeah!
:'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' "As far as ''I'' know, Lincoln's not President any''more''!"
:'''Servo''': Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suggestively]'' "She came back from the ''store'' with a bag of apples, and a ''loaf'' of ''bread''!"
:'''Joel''': Mmm-mmm-mmm!
:'''Crow''': I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—"
:'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about.
:'''Crow''': Oh, uh…
:''[Timmy mutters something else into Crow's ear.]''
:'''Crow''': H-here's one! "A grinder in der—"
:'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! No!
:'''Crow''': Oh. Well, I'm not sayin' it — it's, it's Timmy who's sayin' it.
:'''Joel''': Well, listen, I think you better learn how to play with each other, all right?
:'''Servo''': ''[suggestively]'' Say, Joel… we got ''Commercial'' Sign!
:'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' And now, a ''word'' from our ''sponsor''. Poom!
:'''Crow''': She's built like a brick shi—
:'''Joel''': Crow!
:'''Crow''': … show— boat. Showboat.
</div>

[''There is a scuffle as Servo battles Timmy after getting agitated by him'']
:'''Joel''': Hey! Tom, what the hell? You didn't tell me that Tommy was in here!
:'''Crow''': ''Timmy!''
:'''Joel''': He's not supposed to be in the theater, y'know!
:'''Crow''': Hey!
:'''Joel''': All right, knock it off, there's no rough-housing in here!
:'''Servo''': I'm choking! I'm choking! I'm choking! Choking! Ahhh! H-He-Help! HE-MMMMPH! {Servo's muffled sobs and cries of 'HMMMMMLPH!' are heard offscreen]
:'''Crow''': Joel, he's trying to kill Tom Servo!
:'''Joel''': You go out to the bridge, stay frosty! I've got a plan!
[''Crow exits stage left; Joel stage right, which leads to...'']
</div>

:''[On the SOL bridge, Servo is trapped in an ''[[Alien (film)|Alien]]''-like cocoon, while Crow fights Timmy.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[moaning]'' Kill me! Kill me! Kil— ''[normally]'' Uh, say, Crow? Could you please kill me?
:'''Crow''': I'm a little busy now, Servo!
: . . .
:''[As Joel and Crow try to expel Timmy from the SOL…]''
:'''Servo''': Okay, ''don't'' kill me! Sure could go for a sammich, though!
:'''Crow''': Oh, ''shut up!''

:'''Joel''', '''Servo''', '''Crow''' (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder!

=== Crash of the Moons ===

==== General Hospital, Installment 3 (short) ====

:''[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]''
:'''Phil''': And you choose to make a life with Ken?
:'''Cynthia''': Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cynthia]''': Sure, Ken's not anatomically correct, but…

==== Crash of the Moons (movie) ====

:''[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]''
:'''Rocky''': ''[cadence-calling]'' Hut, 2, 3, 4!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Rocky]''': We are in a crappy film…
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Men]''': We are in a crappy film…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]''
:'''Rocky''': They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon.
:'''Cleolanta''': They will tell ''me'' where to take ''my'' people?!
:'''Rocky''': No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise.
:'''Joel, Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:I Only Have Eyes For You|For yooooou!]]

=== Attack of the the Eye Creatures ===

:''[Upon seeing the mispelling in the film's title]''
:'''Joel''': ''Attack of the '''the''' Eye Creatures''? What, did [[w:Mel Tillis|Mel Tillis]] write these titles?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]''
:'''Air Force Officer''': Now take off!
:'''Joel''':[[w:Bob and Doug McKenzie|...to the great White North!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Harold's Girlfriend''': Ooh, Harold!
:'''Servo [as Harold]''': [[Harold and Maude|Ooh, Maude!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Susan''': What if we turned ourselves in to the police?
:'''Servo [as Stan]''': Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' I've got Sammy Davis eyes! ''[a la [[w:Rip Taylor|Rip Taylor]]]'' I've got a million of them! Literally!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]''
:'''Joel''': Now why doesn't that work with relatives?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]'' 
:'''Crow''': The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having ''no'' spoken language and ''no particular powers'' with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs.
: . . .
:'''Joel''': Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King.
: . . .
:'''Crow''': If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply ''draped casually over his shoulders'' and should be no trouble to knock off! ''[...]'' Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his ''Jack Purcell athletic shoes!'' Folks, they just did not care!
:...
:'''Dr. Forrester:''' They ''did too'' care! In fact, we've got director Larry Buchanan here with us, don't we, Frank?
:'''TV's Frank:''' Yeah, Larry, come here. Larry, tell them. Tell these people. Tell them how you took your dream -- ''your vision!'' -- and through blood, sweat, and effort, you owned that dream and turned it into a reality through years -- well, ''days'' -- of hard work, determination, and struggle! You took that cherished dream that you had, and you... (trails off looking at "Larry's" dull, lifeless expression.) You don't really care, do you?
:'''"Larry Buchanan":''' (Smirks, makes gesture of approval towards Frank.)

=== The Rebel Set ===

==== Johnny at the Fair (short) ====

:'''Narrator''': Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny's car rolled and burned.
:'''Narrator''': There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India.
:'''Joel''': Simulated culture like [[w:Walt Disney World|Disney World]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': "No, Johnny," says Mom, "We're going to the art gallery."
:'''Servo [as Mom]''': And you'll ''like'' it!
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': No! I don't wanna go!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Besides, the [[w:Seattle Mariners|Mariners]] are playing, so who cares?
:'''Narrator''': Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, [[w:Joe Louis|Joe Louis]].
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland".
:'''Joel''': Oh, we've all been there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]''
:'''Joel''': Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]''
:'''Narrator''': Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]''
:'''Narrator''': "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!"
:'''Servo''': What?
:'''Narrator''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Visions of the [[w:Mekong Delta|Mekong Delta]] flash before Johnny's eyes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Champion figure skater [[w:Barbara Ann Scott|Barbara Ann Scott]] gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those."
:'''Narrator''': Johnny ''does'' find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny thinks [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]] seems like a nice lady.

==== The Rebel Set (movie) ====

=== The Human Duplicators ===

:''[The title screen displays the title backwards...]''
:'''Crow''': ''Eht Numah Srotacilpud''!
:''[...then "duplicates" it normally.]''
:'''Crow''': ...Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gale''': So say something!
:'''Crow [as Martin]''': "Something!"
:'''Martin''': "Something."
:'''Crow''': ''D'oh!'' ...Got riffback on that one.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Neat!
:''[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Hi. I am new Asian Barbie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose.
:''[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Do I really look like that?
:'''Crow''': Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing?
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:I Sing the Body Electric!|I sing the Body Pathetic!]] Heh.
:''[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]''
:'''Servo''': Uh… I think you need more toner!
:''[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]''
:'''Crow''': Heh heh heh. Heh! ''Hunan'' Duplicators!
:'''Joel''': Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs?
:'''Crow''': Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a—
:'''Joel''': Oh, that's enough.
:'''Crow''': Oh, don't hit me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Welles (played by [[w:Hugh Beaumont|Hugh Beaumont]]) answers his phone.]''
:'''Welles''': Welles here.
:'''Crow [as Welles/[[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]]]''': The boys did ''what''? They duplicated Lumpy?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]''
:'''Crow [as Welles]''': There's somethin' plastic about that guy...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kolos, played by [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]], "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]''
:'''Servo [as Kolos]''': I'm huge.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]''
:'''Servo [as the Professor, quickly]''': Oh my God, you're huge.

=== Monster A Go-Go ===

==== Circus on Ice (short) ====

:''[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]''
:'''Joel''': You got your circus on my ice!
:'''Crow''': Hey, you got your ice on my circus!
:'''Servo''': Two bad things that go worse together!
:''[Referencing a [[w:Reese%27s_Peanut_Butter_Cups|Reese's Peanut Butter Cups]] ad campaign.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': ''[in response to a clown on screen]'' Woah, seen him in my nightmares...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]''
:: These two girls, they make quite a pair.
:: They both come from your worst night-mare.
:: They will haunt your soul forever,
:: And now,
::: When you see pink,
::: You're gonna think,
:: "We're doomed".
:: They are agents of Satan...
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, stop it, Tom...

<hr width='50%'/>
:''[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]''
:'''Servo''': We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts!
:'''Servo''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Uh-''huh...''
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune|Prelude to the afternoon of a ''murder'']].
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Child]''': Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... ''[gulps]'' I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home!
:'''Servo [as Mother]''': Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's ''fun''!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Oh, and she skates over her own intestines.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]''
:'''Narrator''': And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness...
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ...and kills them.

==== [[w:Monster A Go-Go|Monster A Go-Go]] (movie) ====

:''[Over the film's title]''
:'''Servo''': ''Monster A Go-Go''? I thought this was gonna be ''[[w:Munster Go Home|Munster Go Home]]''!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one.
:'''Crow''': Oh, it might not be too bad...
:'''Servo''': No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it.
:'''Joel''': Yeah...
:'''Crow''': ''[sighs indignantly]'' C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits!
:'''Joel''': No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad.
:'''Crow''': Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate.
:'''Servo''': It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here.
:'''Joel''': Yeah, we might as well face up to it...
:'''Crow''': Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything ''now'', but...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]
:'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' The Other Th?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... ''[deflating]'' This is gonna ''suck''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]
:'''Servo''': Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]''
:'''Joel [as Dr. Logan]''': That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]
:'''Dr. Brent''': Why didn't you tell us then?
:'''Dr. Logan''': I don't know. I was trying to help.
:'''Servo''': ''[whining]'' I was just trying to help.
:'''Dr. Brent''': Help? You've jeopardized this whole project!
:'''Dr. Logan''': What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours!
:'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I'm only a scientist!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]''
:'''Joel''': ''[in disbelief]'' Unbelieveable...
:''[Tom bursts out into laughter]''
:'''Dr. Logan''': Hello? ''[A pause]'' Yes?
:'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I made that phone noise.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Connors]''': ''[makes a fart noise]'' What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': "Oops".
:'''Narrator''': ..."radiation".
:'''Servo''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
:'''Tom Servo''': As if we cared.
:'''Narrator''': Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
:'''Joel''': ''Oh,'' the joke's on ''us!''
:'''Crow''': Boooooo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]''
:'''Joel''': Hey, w-what's wrong?
:'''Servo''': Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local Christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
:'''Crow''': Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
:'''Servo''': Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!
:''[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]''

=== The Day the Earth Froze ===

:''[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': We are ''going'' to get a nice picture of this family if it ''kills'' us.

==== Here Comes the Circus (short) ====

:''[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]''
:'''Crow''': ''Heeere'' comes the ''[[w:Devil|Devil]]''!
:'''Servo''': It's [[w:Beelzebub|Beezlebub]] the Clown!
:'''Joel''': Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.
:''[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]''
:'''Crow''': And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It's [[w:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]], with his electric child!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]''
:'''Servo''': Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
:'''Joel''': Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
:'''Servo''': Oops.
:'''Crow''': Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
:'''Servo''': How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
:'''Joel''': That's better.
:'''Crow''': It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. ''[chuckles]'' No buttons.
:'''Servo''': Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
:''[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]''
:'''Joel''': Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
:'''Servo''': That's good.
:'''Joel''': No, it really is.
:'''Servo''': Whatever, Joel.
:. . .
:''[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]''
:'''Joel''': See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
:''[Shot of the crowd cheering]''
:'''Crow [as crowd]''': We love it when he eats!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a trapeze artist swings]''
:'''Joel''': It's a living!
:'''Crow''': Mother, please come home!
:'''Servo''': Yes, our Betty [[w:Bisexuality|swings both ways]]!
:'''Joel''': Oh, stop it!
:'''Servo''': She does! Look!
:'''Joel''': Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
:'''Crow''': This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]''
:'''Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]''': Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
:'''Crow''': Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
:'''Servo''': This one's on the rebound.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]''
:'''Crow''': The act was outlawed on several continents!
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's [[w:The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat|the man who mistook his wife for a hat]]!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Flipped her off.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!
:'''Servo''': ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Store this image away for a later nightmare.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Old Man]''': I invented that move.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kid]''': Yeah, right.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, no! No, no — they're doing it ''clown''-style! No!
:''[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah! And Madonna thinks ''she's'' innovative!
:'''Joel''': Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
:''[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]''
:'''Crow [as Clown]''': More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]''
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Hank Kimball's brought in.
:'''Crow [as Hank Kimball]''': Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A clown rings a bell.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, [[w:C. Everett Koop|C. Everett Kook]]!
:''[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]''
:'''Narrator''': Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
:'''Crow''': [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]'s relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
:'''Servo [as clown]''': Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
:'''Joel''': This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
:'''Servo''': You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
:'''Joel''': Oh. It's a full contact ''[[w:Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (film)|Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?]]''!
:'''Crow [as Richard Burton]''': Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
:''[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]''
:'''Crow''': '''KITTIES!'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As trapeze artists fly through the air]''
:'''Joel''': I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
:. . .
:'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
:'''Servo''': Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
:'''Crow [as trapeze artist]''': Party in Susan's dressing room!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the "The End" card]''
:'''Joel''': Ah, my favorite part of the circus.

==== The Day the Earth Froze (movie) ====

:''[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]''
:'''Servo [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:Surfin' USA|If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...]]
:'''Crow [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:California Girls|I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]''
:'''Louhi, the witch''': Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
:'''Crow''': Can we see the other parts?
:'''Servo''': Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]''
:'''Ilmarinen''': With this wool, will I clothe you!
:'''Servo [as Ilmarinen]''': With these teeth, will you bite me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]''
:'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, the [[w:Black Moses (album)|Swedish Moses of Soul!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]''
:'''Louhi''': Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo?
:'''Joel''': Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Villager]''': Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Villager]''': Yah, it's really too bad.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Villager]''': No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
:'''Servo [as Villager]''': Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
:''[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]''
:'''Crow [as Villager]''': I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
:''[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]''
:'''Servo [as Villager]''': He failed to bring back the Sampo!
:'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo!
:'''Servo [as Villager]''': We shall die of starvation!
:'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]''
:'''Joel''': What is this, [[w:Stalag 17|"Stalag 17: The Musical?"]]

=== Bride of the Monster ===

==== Hired! Part 1 (short) ====

:''[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the [[w:George H. W. Bush|''Bush'' administration]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren prepares some paperwork with concern.]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Warren]''': Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Warren]''': Hmm? What in the ''world''?! "Assault with a deadly weapon"?!
:'''Crow [as Warren]''': A.K.A., the "Pantsless Salesman"? Or the "Piddling Peddler"?!

==== Bride of the Monster (movie) ====

:''[Lobo ([[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]]) scares away some people during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]''
:'''Crow''': Tor! Close your mouth before you drown!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster go up in a nuclear blast. The good guys look on in horror and dismay.]''
:'''Capt. Robbins''': ''[solemnly]'' He tampered in God's domain.
:'''Crow''': Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight.

=== Manos: The Hands of Fate ===

:''[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]''
:'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny!

==== Hired! Part 2 (short) ====

:''[The short begins]''
:'''Crow''': Previously on "Hired!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]''
:'''Joel [as Warren]''': We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night!
:'''Mr. Warren''': Sales are the most important thing in this business.
:'''Servo [as Warren]''': Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all.
:'''Mr. Warren''': We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales.
:'''Joel [as Warren]''': But first — martinis!
:'''Mr. Warren''': Jimmy, I want to talk with you first.
:'''Crow [as Warren]''': 'Cause you've got the most problems.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]''
:'''Mr. Warren''': I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls.
:'''Jimmy''': Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together.
:'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]''
:'''Joel''': Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]''
:'''Joel [as [[w:Joseph McCarthy|Senator McCarthy]] ]''': Are you now, or have you ever been, a [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] owner?

==== Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) ====
:'''Servo''': So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right?
:'''Joel''': No, actually, it's more like a minute.
:'''Servo''': ''[stunned]'' ...No.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]''
:'''Servo''': I guess they picked up [[w:Shirley Bassey|Shirley Bassey]] hitchhiking.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Michael''': Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago.
:'''Crow''': Maybe it's [[w:Brigadoon|Brigadoon]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]''
:'''Joel''': Ah… that's not how you wear your [[w:Depends|Depends]], Torgo.
:'''Crow''': Been hitting the [[w:Thighmaster|Thighmaster]], Torgo?
: . . .
:'''Servo''': Like having [[w:Joe Cocker|Joe Cocker]] as your bellhop.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]''
:'''Joel [as Michael]''': Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]''
:'''Crow [as The Master]''': What was I thinking?
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Women who lunch.
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': And the Manos who love them — next [[w:Phil Donahue|Donahue]].
: . . .
:'''Joel''': You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos.
:'''Servo''': ...and now, back to We Married Manos!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]''
:'''Crow''': Well, the talks broke down at this point.
:'''Servo''': Looks like the [[w:Federal Assembly of Russia|Russian Parliament]].
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Next on [[w:ESPN|ESPN]], full contact nightgown wrestling!
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Designing Women|Designing Women]]'', the lost episodes.
:'''Servo [as Prof. Canning]''': And now, [[w:list of Monty Python's Flying Circus episodes#11. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom|the Manos Women's Guild will reenact]] the Battle of [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]].
:'''Joel''': You know, this was the alternate ending to ''[[w:Beaches (movie)|Beaches]]''.
:'''Crow''': I see London, I see France, I see ''everybody's'' underpants!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': You know, this isn't [[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]. I ''like'' it, but it isn't Lysistrata!
: . . .
:'''Joel''':You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears.
: . . .
:'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]] breakup.
: . . .
:'''Servo''': I'm guessing ''this'' is the whole reason this movie was made.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''The Master''': Silence!
:'''Joel''': Is golden!
:'''The Master''': ''Silence!''
:'''Joel''': ''Is golden!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]''
:'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' ''DO SOMETHING!!!'' God!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the [[w:Copacabana|Copacabana]], Jules Bedel proudly presents: [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]] and [[w:Tricia Nixon|Tricia Nixon]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to "[[w:Smoke on the Water|Smoke on the Water]]"]'' Smoke on the weirdo…
:'''Crow [as Bela Lugosi]''': Come here.
:'''Joel''': The new Pope has not been chosen.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a driving scene]''
:'''Joel''': Meanwhile, in Toledo...
:'''Servo''': No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself?
:. . .
:'''Crow''': This must be a weekly series.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the end credits roll...]''
:'''Crow''': Crew? They had a crew!? I do ''not'' believe they had a crew!
:'''Joel''': Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch.
:'''Servo''': Where to start?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]''
:'''Crow''': The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer!
:'''Joel''': No. Always wonder.
:''[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]
:'''Servo''': COME ON!
:''[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]''
:'''Servo''': Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here!
:'''Joel''': We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate.
:''[They leave the theater.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]''
:'''Frank''': Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm!
:''[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]''
:'''Torgo''': They always do that!

== Season 5 ==

=== Warrior of the Lost World ===

:'''Nastasia''': Do you want survival?
:'''Joel [as [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]]]''': Sure, we all do!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]''
:'''Crow [as henchman]''': Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': She's got a Lady Hemingway! {{hnote|Combining the names of the ''Lady Remington'' electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john.

=== Hercules ===

:''[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Attack of the Mary Martins! {{hnote|One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hercules is choking a lion.]''
:'''Joel [as lion]''': Aww, Herc, I was kidding.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]''
:'''Joel [as a cavalry man]''': Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''(A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through)''
:''Crow'':There will be patches of scattered god today

=== Swamp Diamonds ===

==== What to Do on a Date (short) ====

:''[The titles appear.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I need to know what ''not'' to do on a date! Hahaha!
:''[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What, she has a Ph.D. in dating?
:'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': Oh no, this is like having your ''mom'' talk to you about sex!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Nick''': Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you?
:'''Joel [as Kay]''': How many ways can I say "no"?!
:'''Kay''': Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to ''very'' much.
:'''Crow [as Kay]''': Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave?
: . . .
:'''Nick''': I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a ''date''.
:'''Joel [as Nick]''': … with a loser like me.
:'''Nick''': Where's my racket?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': I should spank myself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]''
:'''Joel''': Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': How does Jeff get ideas like that?
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': From the voices inside his head.
:''[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]''
:'''Narrator''': Wait a minute, maybe ''this'' is where Jeff gets his ideas!
:'''Joel''': The lunch menu?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]''
:'''Servo''': Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joel''': Ice cream? I love this party!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Had this been an actual date, [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|you would have been instructed where to go]].

==== Swamp Diamonds (movie) ====

:''[During one of the many, many girl fights.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland's]] bra! I have seen the Promised Land!

=== Secret Agent Super Dragon ===

:''[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]
:'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He ''smokes'', carries a ''gun'', and... ''[deflating]'' makes a lot of... phone calls...

=== The Magic Voyage of Sinbad ===

:''[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as someone in the crowd]''': [[w:Blazing Saddles|Howard Johnson is right!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': It's noon and he's still [[w:filibuster|filibustering!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]''
:'''Crow''': They're test-marketing [[w:Crystal Pepsi|Crystal Pepsi.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]''
:'''Crow''': They look like the [[w:Knights who say Ni|Knights Who Say "Ni!"]]

=== Eegah ===

:''[Roxy walks up to her little car.]''
:'''Crow [as Roxy]''': Taxi! ...Oh, I drove.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely [[w:Arch Hall, Jr.|Arch Hall, Jr.]], looks up.]
:'''[[w:Crow|Crow]]''': ''Honk'' if you love Eegah!
:'''Tommy''': Hi, Roxie!
:'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tommy]''': Sorry about my face!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joel is pinning a new suit together using Crow as a mannequin. Servo's head has been replaced with a pincushion. Joel accidentally pricks Crow.]
:'''Crow''': Ow!
:'''Joel''': Oh, I'm sorry, pal. I'm just so distracted. I can't stop thinking about that sweet service station in today's film. Did you guys notice how sleek and beautiful it was?
:'''Servo''': ''[patronizingly]'' Um, no, Joel, I can't say that I did, heh-heh ''[aside to Crow]'' Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
:'''Joel''': I'm serious, you guys! There was a time that we as a nation took pride in our service stations! They gleamed like a beacon of hope from coast to coast. Then one day: kablooey! Sky Chief super service turned into the Tank 'n' Tummy. I don't mind tellin' ya, the day this country went self-serve is the day that [[w:Hell|Hell]] started to bubble over and flood the earth.
:'''Crow''': I hate to burst your bubble, Joel, but what about the [[w:bubonic plague|bubonic plague]]? World Wars? [[w:Josef Stalin|Stalin]]?
:'''Joel''': Well, those are all big things. Hell works best when it's a lot subtler. Let me give you an example: Okay, what do you think of [[w:Adolf Hitler|Adolf Hitler]]?
:'''Crow''': Well, I hate him, naturally.
:'''Joel''': Okay, now what do you think of the band [[w:Styx (band)|Styx]]?
:'''Crow''': Well, they had a couple of decent... ''[realization sets in]'' Oh, my God, you're right!
:'''Servo''': I get it now, Joel! You know, I don't know exactly when Hell started for me, but I think it had something to do with [[w:Christopher Cross|Christopher Cross]].
:'''Joel''': Yeah, and remember the time [[w:Cliff Arquette|Charlie Weaver]] died, and it wasn't even in the papers?
:'''Crow''': Or when they [[wikt:86#Verb|86]]'d [[w:Jarts|Jarts]]!
:'''Servo''': I think the first time Flo said "Kiss my grits!", something in all of us withered and died!
:'''Crow''': Using [[w:Joe Camel|Joe Camel]] to sell cigarettes to kids seems like a pretty ripe slice of Hell.
:'''Joel''': Yeah, I agree with that. And how about the time [[w:Denis Leary|Denis Leary]] released [[w:No Cure For Cancer|No Cure For Cancer]] as an album, or when [[w:Vicki Lawrence|Vicki Lawrence]] won a Grammy for "[[w:The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia|The Night The Lights Went Out in Georgia]]"?
:'''Servo''': I know I stand alone on this, but the day Blansky's Beauties got cancelled.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, you pretty much stand alone on that. Sinbad's pretty icky.
:'''Joel''': Yeah, and how about the [[w:Charlene Tilton|Charlene Tilton]] workout video?
:'''Servo''': Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?
:'''Joel''': Well, there's personal liberty, strength of convictions; those have been known to work. And there are the times when we rise as one to beat back Hell. Like the time when we as a nation said "No!" to [[w:Yahoo Serious|Yahoo Serious]].
:'''Crow''': I remember that. There we were, inexplicably drawn to the slobbering mouth of Hell. Then, at the last moment, saved just like [[w:Moses|Moses]] and the [[w:Israelites|Israelites]].
:'''Servo''': Now who in Creation is powerful enough to do that?!
:'''Crow [as [[w:Davey and Goliath|Goliath]]]''': Gee, Davey, do ya think it was God?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': He's wearing corrective everything!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]''
:'''Tommy''': Roxie! It's me, Tom!
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Roxie]''': That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]''
:'''Dr. Miller''': He left the road right here.
:'''Dr. Miller''': ''[ [[w:Automated dialogue replacement|dubbed voiceover]] ]'' Watch out for snakes!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Who said that?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]''
:'''Joel''': Man, it looks like it hurts to be him.
:'''Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]''': Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]''
:'''Joel''': I figured it out, he looks like the bat from ''[[w:FernGully: The Last Rainforest|FernGully]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]''
:'''Roxie''': Um... how do you do?
:'''Crow [as corpse]''': I'm really, really dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]''
:'''Joel''': Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]''
:'''Joel''': Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel.
:'''Crow''': That purse will be the death of him!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]''
:'''Crow [as Eegah]''': ''[singing]'' Red roses for a blue ladyyyy...
:'''Crow and Servo''': ''[in unison]'' [[w:Hooked on a Feeling|'''EE'''GAH SHUCKA! '''EE'''GAH! '''EE'''GAH!]]
:'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I can't stop this feelin'...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a dress store]'':
:'''Crow''': It's Frederick's of Maplewood.
:'''Joel [as Announcer]''': ''The Loretta Young Show''!
:''[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]''': Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! ''[chuckles]'' Why not stick around and watch ''Dream On''? It's the ''breast'' show on TV! ''[to Joel]'' Kill me.

=== I Accuse My Parents ===

==== The Truck Farmer (short) ====

:''[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]''
:'''Joel''': Easter Bunny films presents...
:'''Servo''': "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences.
:'''Crow''': Wonder if they sold this film door to door?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Most of us think that these people were really free...
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': But they were just stupid!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]''
:'''Crow''': Aah! It's Killdozer! Clint Walker, no!
:'''Servo''': Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares?
:'''Crow [as driver]''': Stupid trees! God, I hate them.
:'''Joel''': Early tractor pulls, not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition.
:'''Crow''': Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes.
:'''Servo''': The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the ''[[w:Speed Racer|Speed Racer]]'' theme]''
:: Go, Speed Farmer!
:: Go, Speed Farmer!
:: Go, Speed Farmer, go!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': There's something you don't see every day.
:'''Joel''': What's that?
:'''Servo''': A farmer with all his limbs!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]''
:'''Servo''': Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]''
:'''Narrator''': A complicated system of irrigation is used.
:'''Joel''': Oh, real ''complicated''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help.
:'''Crow''': They make it sound so nice!
: . . .
:''[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]''
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The carrots are washed first.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're made flavorless so people will buy steak!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Some carrots are frozen.
:'''Crow''': Some carrots are humiliated publicly.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem...
:'''Crow''': Texans.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]''
:'''Narrator''': The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Later, this device is used to beat back the workers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]''
:'''Joel''': Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet?

==== I Accuse My Parents (movie) ====
:''[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corportation) logo...]''
:'''Servo''': Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the title appears]''
:'''Crow''': The [[w:John_Bradshaw_%28author%29|John Bradshaw]] story!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the title sequence]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Jimmy's trial...]''
:'''Jimmy''': Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor...
:'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': ...but I'm [[w:Esther Rolle|Esther Rolle]]!
:'''Jimmy''': But... I accuse my parents!
:''[Everyone applauds.]''
:'''Servo''': Yes! We have a title!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kitty''': ''[singing]'' Are you happy...
:'''Crow''': Define "happy!"
:'''Kitty''': ...In your work...
:'''Joel''': Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]''
:'''Kitty''': You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week.
:'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Eighteen, after taxes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]''
:'''Servo [as Kitty]''': If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now!
:'''Crow''': I accuse her hair!

=== Operation Double 007 (A.K.A.: Operation Kid Brother) ===
:''[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of [[w:Neil Connery|Neil Connery]]...]''
:'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' He gets his haircut on Tuesdays!
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' He prefers stuffing to potatoes!
:'''Tom Servo''': ''[singing]'' His favorite movie is ''[[w:Turner and Hooch|Turner and Hooch]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]''
:'''Joel''': All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]''
:'''Mr. Thayer''': Everything will go on, as if nothing happened.
:'''Joel''': Nothing ''has'' happened...

=== The Girl in Lovers Lane ===

:''[Singing to the opening credits theme]''
:'''Servo''': The Girl in Lover's Lane...
:'''Crow''': With [[w:Jack Elam|Jack Elam]], not [[w: Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]''
:'''Danny''': I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat.
:'''Bix''': That's a good idea.
:'''Servo [as Bix]''': You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you.
:''[The two enter a diner.]''
:'''Joel [as Danny]''': We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat?
:'''Crow [as Bix]''': Shut up, Danny.
:'''Joel [as Danny]''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]''': ''[singing]''
:: The 5:15 from Duluth,
:: Oh my! It just derailed!
:: The toxic waste is spillin',
:: The conductor's been impaled.
:: A benzene cloud has risen
:: And the whole town's startin' to cough.
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to the beat]'' [cough, cough] … [cough, cough]
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]''
:: Within a matter of day-eeez,
:: All of our skin will fall off.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Robot Monster|To live like the E-lam...]]

=== The Painted Hills ===

==== Body Care and Grooming (short) ====

:''[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]''
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV announcer]''': Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]''
:'''Narrator''': Ah, spring!
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Filthy, shameful spring!
:. . .
:'''Joel''': You know, people were ''whiter'' back then.
:'''Narrator''': When a young man's fancy lightly turns to...
:'''Crow''': Underpants.
:'''Narrator''': ...Love.
:'''Crow''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of slovenly girl.]''
:'''Narrator''': Look at that hair!
:'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I ''like'' her hair!
:'''Narrator''': And that blouse!
:'''Crow''': ''[lasciviously]'' I'm looking, I'm looking!
:...
:''[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]''
:'''Narrator''': Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
:'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' You know, make him want to ''grope'' you and ''paw'' at you!
:. . .
:''[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]''
:'''Narrator''': Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Those... n-nose.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
:''[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]''
:'''Crow [as young man]''': Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]''
:'''Narrator''': Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes—
:'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Is immoral.
:'''Narrator''': —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous.
:'''Crow''': Expressing individualism is just plain ''wrong''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles.
:'''Crow''': Skin sucks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': One of these is cleansing cream.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': One of these is [[w:Nitric acid|nitric acid]]. Choose wisely.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]''
:'''Narrator''': And so... the end of a perfect day.
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': An entire day spent grooming.
: . . .
:'''Narrator''': And you...
:'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Jezebel!
:'''Narrator''': ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And remember—when you [[w:Masturbation|touch yourself]], the saints cry. Goodnight.
:''[As we fade out...]''
:'''Joel''': KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!
:'''Crow''': You're next!
:''[A few more names appear]''
:'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let's not forget ''these guys''!

==== The Painted Hills (movie) ====
:''[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]''
:'''Joel''': Yeah, I'm afraid ''we're'' gonna be true bored men after this...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Now, is this the real Old West, or the [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] Old West where they had electricity and cars?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jonathan''': Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked!
:'''Crow [as Jonathan]''': But enough vernacular...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Taylor''': Never mind the dog, Tommy...
:'''Servo [as Taylor]''': [[w:Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols|Here's the Sex Pistols]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]''
:'''Tom''': How did that corral get there? 
:'''Crow''': They used [[w:CorelDRAW|CorelDraw]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mount Rushmore]]!...Before it was built.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]''
:'''Joel [as Taylor]''': Well, looks like the montage finally blew over.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]''
:'''Crow''': So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Shep]''': SNAUSAGES!

=== Gunslinger ===

:'''Dr. Forrester:''' ''[Stopping his Brain Scan on TV's Frank and looking at the Camera]'' Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars Beverly Garland in her pre-Doddy period.
:'''TV's Frank:''' Beverly Garland ''[growls, but is cut off by another scan]''
:'''Dr. Forrester:''' And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. ''[turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]'' [[Die Hard|Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama]].

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]]''
:'''Joel:''' ''[As the criminals start moving.]]'' Ah, cue the horses!
:'''Crow:''' ''[Under his breath]]'' Corman...
:'''Servo:''' ''[As the criminals stop]'' Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us?

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]''
:'''Joel''': You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar.
:'''Servo''': Oh, they hadn't invented that yet.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]''
:'''Crow''': Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall!
:'''Cain''': Crazy coming up in here...
:'''Joel [as Cain]''': ...in my hallway here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cain''': Only the good die young.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]''
:'''Joel [as Polk]''': Draw, er... wait a sec!
:[''Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork.'']
:'''Crow''': ''[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of [[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]]'' Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores!
:'''Tom''': Doo-doo, do-do-do! ''[scene switches to Cain aiming his gun]'' ...the hell?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]''
:'''Cain''': ''[drunkenly]'' You got brown eyes...
:'''Servo [as Cain]''': ''[drunkenly]'' An' you got a neck.
:. . .
:'''Tom [as Cain]''': Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!

=== Mitchell ===

:''[The character of [[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike Nelson]] has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in [[w:Deep 13|Deep 13]].]
:'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Here it is. ''[[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]]'', starring [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]]
:'''Mike Nelson''': You guys watch ''Joe Don Baker'' movies?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, here it comes, Joel — ''Mitchell''! It's a… [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|super secret spy]]… uh, has [[w:The Sidehackers|a motorcycle]]… [[w:Marooned (film)|marooned in space]]… meets… [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]]… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a [[w:Disco|disco]] beat.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Isaac Hayes]''': [[Shaft (1971 film)#Theme song|Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?]]
:'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Mitchell!
:'''Servo [as Hayes]''': That Mitchell is one fat s—
:'''Joel, Crow''': Shut yo' mouth!
:'''Servo [as Hayes]''': I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]''
:'''Servo''': Ee-gah...
:'''Crow''': Shtemlo.
:'''Joel''': [[w:Eegah|Watch out for snakes!]]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|We've]] [[w:How Not to Be Seen|hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture]]...
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Mitchell, will you stand up, please?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]''
:'''Benton''': No salesmen at this entrance.
:'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': But I'm not a salesman! I'm the [[The Thin Blue Line|Chubby Blue Line]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Gates|Daryl Gates]] on his day off.
:'''Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]''': He's landed just short of the green.
:'''Servo [as Other Golfers]''': Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A kid on skateboard skates up to Mitchell's car where he's sitting.]
:'''Kid''': Hi.
:'''Mitchell''': Hi.
:'''Kid''': Are you the man from the insurance?
:'''Mitchell''': Nope.
:'''Kid''': He came last night.
:'''Mitchell''': Yeah?
:'''Kid''': My mother doesn't like you.
:'''Mitchell''': I don't like your mother.
:'''Kid''': Why not?
:'''Mitchell''': Why not?
:'''Kid''': No, why not?
:'''Mitchell''': No, why not?
:'''Kid''': Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
:'''Servo''': Tonight on [[w:Crossfire (TV series)|Crossfire]].
:'''Mitchell''': Why are you repeating what I'm saying?
:'''Kid''': I'm not.
:'''Mitchell''': Well, I'm not.
:'''Kid''': You are.
:'''Mitchell''': Buzz off.
:'''Kid''': What?
:'''Mitchell''': What?
:'''Kid''': What did you say?
:'''Mitchell''': What you say?
:'''Kid''': Did you say something?
:'''Servo''': ''[Frustrated]'' AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
:'''Mitchell''': You say something?
:'''Kid''': You said buzz off.
:'''Mitchell''': You're lying through your teeth.
:'''Kid''': You're lying through your teeth.
:'''Mitchell''': Buzz off, huh?
:'''Kid''': Buzz off!
:'''Mitchell''': Buzz off, kid!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]''
:'''Joel''': Baby oil!
:'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': BLAAAARRRGGGHHH!
:'''Servo''': ''[vomiting noises]''
:'''Crow''': Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel?
:''[In the soundtrack, [[w:Hoyt Axton|Hoyt Axton]] continues to sing the theme song.]''
:'''Axton''': My my my my Mitchell...
:'''Crow''': My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Deaney''': How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell?
:'''Crow [as Mitchell]''': Uh, by the quart.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]''
:'''Hoyt Axton''': ''[singing]'' My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say?
:'''Crow''': She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mitchell spends several minutes silently comitting some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]''
:'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': Why did I do that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]
:'''Joel [as Mitchell]''': Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Joel has escaped and the Bots are panicking, cut to Deep 13 where Frank is staring slack-jawed at the camera, then ponders his keys which Mike had borrowed earlier.]
:'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[walking in from off-screen in a bathrobe, toweling his hair]'' Ahh, nothin' like a good shower to make one feel new again. I feel great! Nothing can get in the way of my good mood! What's going on, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Oh, not much... inventory's under control...
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Yeah?
:'''Frank''': Floor needs mopping... Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love...
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, I can see you've got the situation well in hand--'''''WHAT??''''' ''Joel escaped from the Satellite of Love?''
:''[Dr. F begins typing on the control panel.]''
:'''Frank''': Well, I'd better get started on that floor...
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank! My towel and your hinder have an appointment, but first we've got to rescue Joel! Oh, no, ''nooo!'' Frank, he's landed safely in the Australian outback!
:'''Frank''': Well, let's just hope he landed on [[w:Yahoo Serious|Yahoo Serious]].
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, that's a good point, Frank, because--''Frank!'' Can't you see we're ruined? What are we gonna do?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, well, we could send someone else into space.
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Who are we gonna find at this late date to send into ''space?''
:''[Mike walks in behind them with his time card.]''
:'''Mike''': Can you guys sign my time card?
:''[Dr. Forrester and Frank begin laughing maniacally; Mike, confused, nervously joins in.]''
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Frank?
:'''Frank''': Yeah, you're not gonna sign his time card, are you?
:'''Mike''': C'mon, you gotta sign my time card!
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Of course I'll sign your time card, young man! In fact, I think you're going to be working for me for a long, long time. Push the button, Frank!
:''[As Dr. F puts his arm around an uncomfortable Mike, Frank turns to look at the camera, puzzled, as he pushes the button and the screen fades to black.]
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Say, Mike... what size jumpsuit do you wear?
:'''Mike''': Ehh...

=== The Brain That Wouldn't Die ===

:''[In the operating room...]''
:'''Bill's Father''': I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in.
:'''Servo [as Bill's Father]''': 'Cuz he got me as his doctor.
: . . .
:''[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]''
:'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael Nelson]] [as [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]]]''': [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], join me or star in '''''[[w:Corvette Summer|Corvette Summer]]!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]''
:'''Bill''': You have the keys to your car?
:''[Cut to them driving.]''
:'''Crow''': The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car.
:'''Servo [as announcer]''': ''[[w:The Long, Long Trailer|The Long, Long Trailer]]!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, that was my [[w:The Long and Winding Road|prom theme]]!
:'''Servo [as Cortner]''': [[w:stop sign|Stop sign]], what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve?
:''[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]''
:'''Crow [as Cortner]''': Aughhh! The road is attacking me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]''
:'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' D-Don't forget my purse! Honey?
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' You just ''had'' to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a ''body'' anymore! Are you happy?
: . . .
:''[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]''
:'''Mike [as Sports Announcer]''': [[w:John Riggins|Riggins]] is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him!
:'''Crow''': He's either gonna win the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] or the [[w:Heisman Trophy|Heisman Trophy]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]''
:'''Crow [with British accent]''': [[Fawlty Towers|Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]''
:'''Mike [as Cortner]''': Well, she can't have a ''cardboard'' body. I've ruled that out.
:'''Crow [as Cortner]''': ''[pervertedly]'' Saaay, this could actually be an ''upgrade''...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cortner]''': Well, it's nice and all, but I want something ''sleazy''.
:''[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a [[w:greasy spoon|greasy spoon]]), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]''
:'''Mike''': If [[w:Jack Ruby|Jack Ruby]] owned a [[w:Denny's|Denny's]].
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Maître d']''': Welcome to the [[w:Diane Arbus|Diane Arbus]] Cafe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]''
:'''Crow''': Doesn't she need lungs?
:'''Servo''': No, she's got neck juice!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jan]''': Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]''
:'''Jan''': Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me.
:'''Servo''': [[w:Knock Three Times|Knock three times]] on the ceiling if you want me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]''
:'''Servo [as Radio DJ]''': ''[sultrily]'' It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, [[w:John Holmes (actor)|Holmes]] and [[w:Harry Reems|Reems]] in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]''
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off!
:'''Servo [as Cortner]''': I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]
:'''Mike [as Radio DJ]''': Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN!
:'''Servo''': ''[echoing, hushed]'' ''K-PORN!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The monster, having escaped the closet earlier, bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]''
:'''Servo [as Monster]''': That's one nasty [[w:McNugget|McNugget]]! Ew!

=== Teen-Age Strangler ===

==== Is This Love? (short) ====

:''[Reading the title card]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Is this love, or is it just [[w:Fatal Attraction|rough]] [[w:Basic Instinct|sex]] with [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside the college dorm room]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So... Where's Waldo?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's under the bed.
:''[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Geez! How many times was she held back?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heh heh heh.
:'''Liz''': Hi, Peg!
:''[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Peg]''': Hi, Mom.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Peg''': I think I'll send a telegram instead.
:'''Liz''': Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something.
:'''Mike [as Liz]''': Well, I've known her for fifty years…

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Liz''': Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other.
:'''Peg''': Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is!
:'''Mike [as Peg]''': He's anatomically correct, and everything!
:'''Peg''': It's the real thing.
:'''Liz''': I remember when I first felt that way about Andy.
:'''Servo [as Liz]''': ...at the turn of the century.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short is ending.]''
:'''Narrator''': How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?
:'''Servo''': [[w: Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice|Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?]]
:'''Narrator''': How can you tell? Is this love?
:'''Crow''': You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.
:''[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]''
:'''Mike''': And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.
:'''Crow''': No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.
:''[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]''
:'''Servo''': "How Much Affection?"
:'''Crow''': "When Should I Marry?"
:''[Mike and the bots continue with fake titles.]''
:'''Mike''': "Know Your Ointments"
:'''Servo''': "What's That Down There?"
:'''Crow''': "When He Wants It Rough"
:'''Mike''': "Procreation, Not Recreation"
:'''Servo''': "Oh No, Pleasure!"
:'''Crow''': "[[w:McClintock|McClintock!]]"

==== Teen-Age Strangler (movie) ====

:''[As a girl is strangled]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Splendor in the Grass|Splendor in the Grass]] 2: [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Dream Warrior]]!

=== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman ===

==== Cheating (short) ====
:''[Reading the opening cards]''
:'''Servo''': Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short opens over a large clock.]''
:'''Servo [as radio announcer]''': ''The Jack Benny Program''!
:''[The clock strikes ominously.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[deeply]'' [[w:A Christmas Carol|Ebenezer Scrooge]]...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A phone rings.]''
:'''Crow''': For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA.
:''[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, the foley guy must be calling!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Johnny''': Why don't they call?
:'''Crow''': Because they don't like you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Mother Teresa called. She hates you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mary''': The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it?
:'''Crow [as John]''': Aw, let's just cheat!
:'''John''': x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... ''[Mary shakes her head]''
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': Nobody home, huh?
:'''John''': Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you...
:'''Mike [as Mary]''': John, this is geography!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.
:'''Crow''': Split it open now!
:'''Narrator''': You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.
:'''Servo''': On a doily.
:'''Narrator''': So you decided to take a chance.
:''[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]''
:'''Servo [as Johnny]''': ''[loudly]'' Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews.
:''[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]''
:'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?
:'''Crow''': Or was it lust?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.
:''[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]''
:'''Servo [as Johnny]''': Oh, hi Miss Grandy— ''EAAAAAAGH!'' '''''AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And most of all, your new job as student council representative.
:''[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]''
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I envision a cheating wing!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]''
:'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': I smell a big Commie rat.
:'''Miss Grandy''': John, bring it up here, please.
:''[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]''
:'''Crow [as loudspeaker]''': PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK!
:''[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]''
:'''Servo''': Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': And so [[w:Dana Plato|Dana Plato]]'s career begins.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]], Crow, [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Give us [[w:Barabbas|Barabbas!]] Barabbas!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': But did John truly intend to be dishonest?
:'''Servo''': Or was he just pure evil?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A question mark appears on-screen.]''
:'''Crow [as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]]''': Riddle me this, Batman! ''[cackles]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the "The End" card]''
:'''Mike''': The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope!

==== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie) ====

:''[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, I have my [[w:Alcoholics Anonymous|40-year TV medallion]].
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Branded|What do you do when you're branded?]]
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' You watch TV.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Network (film)|I'm as mad as hell!...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''Holy'' cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:That Girl|Oh, Donald]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors!
:'''Servo''': So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh?
:''[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]''
:'''Mike''': Whahappa?
:'''Servo [as TV announcer]''': Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes!
:''[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[in a dull voice]'' [[w:Tequila (song)|Tequila]].
:'''Crow''': Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]''
:'''Man''': Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Montgomery Burns|Simpson, eh?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from ''[[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]]''.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' Wha— that's ''The Mole People''! These movies have crashed!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Mole People'' in my ''Batwoman''!]]
:'''Servo''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Batwoman'' in my ''Mole People''!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the [[w:Monkees|Monkees]] look good!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Little Black Sambo|Maybe they'll all turn into butter.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So, Mike. This is Hell.
:''' Mike''': Yep.
:'''Crow''': Mike, I demand that you kill me.
: '''Servo''': Me too.
:'''Mike:''' No. ''[a beat]'' Will you kill me?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]"
:'''Servo''': Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[screaming]'' ENDDDD! ''EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!''
:''[And now, at last, the film ends.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[defeated and unimpressed]'' What a wild wild world!
:'''Crow''': Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you!

=== Alien from L.A. ===
:''[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]''
:'''Crow''': Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or ''Sir'' to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son?
:'''Mike''': ''[weakly]'' Sir, yes sir.
:'''Crow''': I didn't hear you, ladybritches!
:'''Mike''': I said sir, yes sir!
:'''Servo''': ''[in pieces on the table]'' Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch ''[[w:Sisters (TV series)|Sisters]]''!
:'''Crow''': You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh?
:'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, ooh, I'm scared...
:'''Mike''': Hey Crow, c'mon...
:'''Crow''': I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath!
:'''Mike''': Uh, [[w:Full Metal Jacket|This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine]].
:'''Crow''': And what is the name of your robot, boy?
:'''Servo''': Servo! Tom Servo!
:'''Crow''': I don't believe I was addressing ''you'', Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and ''give me twenty, Corporal?''
:'''Servo''': Uh, 'cause I can't?
:'''Crow''': Well, now, you just bought yourself ''two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!''
:'''Mike''': Uh, we'll be right back.
:'''Crow''': I heard that, [[w:Gomer Pyle|Pyle]]! You piece of ''filth!''
:'''Servo''': Well, several pieces, actually...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]''
:'''Wanda''': I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Robbie]''': It's your helium addiction.
: . . .
:'''Wanda''': Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Robbie]''': 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]''
:'''Mike''': That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]
:'''Crow''': Hey it's the Blue Mosque!
:'''Servo''': No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill.
:'''Crow''': Have you been to Istanbul?
:'''Servo''': THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]''
:'''Mike [as Wanda]''': Ah! Swimsuit issue!
:'''Crow [as Wanda]''': This whole room smells like my eyes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]''
:'''Wanda''': Dad?
:'''Mike''': Look, your dad's not responsible for ''everything'' that happens in the world!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy Ireland]''': This door sounds brown!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]''
:'''Charmin''': Wait a minute...is that really your voice?
:'''Servo''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could!

=== Beginning of the End ===

:''[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as soldier]''': [[w:One weekend a month, two weeks a year|One weekend a month my ass!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grasshopper]''': They got [[w:Jiminy_Cricket|Jiminy]]! Get em!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as general]''': We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to ''grasshoppers'', people!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as general]''': I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God!
:. . .
:''[As the grasshopper breaks free, [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves']]s character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Pete! Pete! ''Short, controlled'' bursts!

<hr width="50%">
:''[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Brian Eno|Brian Eno]] ruled Chicago.

<hr width="50%">
:''[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]''
:'''Mike''': Guys, this is so ''not'' Illinois.

=== The Atomic Brain ===

==== What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short) ====

:''[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]''
:'''Tom Servo''': ''[gasps]'' They ''flattened'' him!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]''
:'''Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]''': [[w:Norm Peterson|Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!]]

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]''
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': [[w:The Mod Squad|Pete, Linc, Julie]], and... Steve?
: . . .
:'''Servo [as [[w:Walter Winchell|Walter Winchell]]]''': Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]''
:'''Angry City Councilman''': We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already!
:'''Servo [as Councilman]''': Kill 'em all!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]''
:'''Servo''': It's [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]]'s new name, isn't it?
:'''Crow''': No, it's [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]]'s new name!

==== The Atomic Brain (movie) ====

:''[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]'''
:'''Mike:''' Hey, wait a minute!
:'''Crow:''' She's ''nude!''
:'''Servo:''' ''Lady...''

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]''
:'''Crow:''' She's ''SORT-OF ALIVE!''

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]''
:'''Servo:''' ''[giggling]'' And she floats ''gently'' to her death!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]''
:'''Crow [as Hetty/[[w:Dr. Strangelove|Dr. Strangelove]]]''': Mein Fuehrer! I can walk!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]''
:'''Servo''': So, Mike, where's the atomic brain?
:'''Mike''': I don't know...

=== Outlaw ===
:''[Over the title screen]'':
:'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' With [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]]? ''Oh please oh please oh please oh please...''
:'''Mike''': No, don't get your hopes up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]''
:'''Crow''': I hate this movie already.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]''
:'''Crow''': It's [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner Gordon]] calling!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Watney''': You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot?
:'''Mike [as Watney]''': [[w:To Have and Have Not|You just put your lips together and drink!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]''
:'''Mike''': Any chance [[w:Barney Rubble|Barney Rubble]] there could go through the windshield?
:''[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]''
:'''Crow''': Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Watney''': Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot?
:'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Ssh! I'm acting!
:'''Cabot''': I must go to Koruba!
:'''Watney''': What?
:'''Cabot''': Koruba.
:''[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]''
:'''Watney''': The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot.
:'''Mike, Crow & Servo''': ''[chanting]'' Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him...
:'''Watney''': Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh?
:'''Mike''': ''[whispers]'' Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now!
:'''Crow''': They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Guard''': Who are you?
:'''Cabot''': My name is Cabot.
:'''Guard''': Cabot?
:''[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]''
:'''Peasant #1''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #2''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #3''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #4''': Cabot!
:'''Peasant #5''': Cabot!
:'''Mike''': Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry.

<hr width="50%">
:''[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]''
:'''Cabot''': Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression!
:'''Mike [as Cabot]''': Uh, starting tomorrow.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]''
:'''Servo''': Check it out, it's one of them [[w:Jack Nicklaus|Jack Nicklaus]] golf communities!
:'''Mike''': ''[to Servo]'' ...Are you old? How do you know about that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jack Palance's character is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]''
:'''Queen Lara''': What are you talking about?
:'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': ''[resignedly]'' I really don't know.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]''
:'''Cabot''': She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it.
:'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Nekkid.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike and the bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]''
:'''Crow''': Let's see, uh... ''[doing a Jack Palance impression]'' "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight."
:'''Mike''': Okay... ''[takes book and does own Jack Palance impression]'' "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." ''[referring to his character's recurring phrase]'' "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?"
:'''Servo''': ''[takes book, does Palance]'' "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing [[w:Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas]]. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard."
:'''Crow''': ''[book; Palance]'' "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping."
:'''Mike''': "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap."
:'''Servo''': "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" ''[startled, reverts back to normal voice]'' "I think I killed a man today. More later?"
:''[all shudder]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the end credits]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, well.
:'''Crow''': Have you seen the outtakes for this film?
:'''Mike''': No, did they show 'em on ''[[w:Bloopers and Practical Jokes|Bloopers and Practical Jokes]]''?
:'''Servo''': No, uh, ''[[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death]]'', actually. ''[They all laugh.]'' Sounds like ''Miami Vice''. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think?
:'''Mike''': No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the [[w:USA Network|USA network]].
:'''Servo''': Oh! The USA— ''[imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s]'' I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. ''[imitates the fanfare again]''
:'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, ''Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]''
:'''Crow''': Yeah, that or— ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[W:Jeff Conaway|Jeff Conaway]] and [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]] play a deadly game of cat and mouse in ''Murder Most Moist''."
:'''Servo''': Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[w:Judy Landers|Judy Landers]] is on the trail of a devious killer in ''Peekaboo Lace, P.I''."
:'''Crow''': That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout ''[Announcer]'' "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in ''Dark Underpants''"?
:'''Mike''': How about this one? ''[Announcer]'' "[[w:Lindsay Wagner|Lindsay Wagner]] is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in ''Tongue Lashing''!"
:'''Crow''': I like it!
:'''Servo''': Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in ''French Pistol.'' CATCH IT!" ''[as they laugh]'' This is fun! Yeah.
:'''Mike''': Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in ''Death Spank''!"
:'''Servo''': Ooh, good one, "''Death Spank''"!
:'''Crow''': I've got a good one. How about "[[w:Chris Lemmon|Chris Lemmon]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] form a crime fighting unit in ''The Lingerie Justice Files''"?
:'''Servo''': Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and [[w:Morgan Fairchild|Morgan Fairchild]] are ''The Crotchless Killers''."
:'''Crow''': I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between [[w:Richard Chamberlain|Richard Chamberlain]] and [[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] in ''Tap Pant Desire''"?
:'''Servo''': Nice use of Ben Vereen.
:'''Mike''': I like the way you think. Try this one on. "[[w:William Devane|William Devane]] tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in ''The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders''!"
:'''Servo''': Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "[[w:Lisa Hartman Black|Lisa Hartman]] is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in ''Cheek Beats''."
:'''Crow''': You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in ''The Waco Panty Raid''."
:'''Mike''': Um, uh, "[[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in ''Naked Came The Nude''!"
:'''Servo''': "[[w:Peter Deluise|Peter Deluise]] and [[w:Tommy Tune|Tommy Tune]] are ''Cod Police''."
:'''Mike''': ''[as they exit the theater]'' That was good.

=== Radar Secret Service ===

==== Last Clear Chance (short) ====

:''[Title of short appears]''
:'''Servo''': Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As woman walks away from car]''
:'''Crow''': Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[growling]'' Rrrrr.
:. . .
:'''Patrolman''': If you haven't seen the signs...
:'''Mike''': Boy, you haven't lived.
:'''Patrolman''': ...then this train might come as a surprise to you.
:'''Servo''': The [[w:Soul Train|Sooooooooooooul Train]]!
:'''Crow [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': Thank you very much, Clarissa...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': [As patrolman] I'd tuck you in, but you're dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive.
:'''Crow''': Even though you don't deserve it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': They figure rules are for the other guy, not for good drivers like themselves.
:'''Servo [as patrolman]''': They're communists!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': Whenever there's a haphazard on the road, there's usually a sign that tells you about it. Like a 'curve warning'. Or a 'right of way' sign. 'Narrow bridge'. 'Signals ahead'. 'Do not enter'. 'No passing', and many others.
:'''Crow''': 'All nude girls!'
:'''Servo''': 'Whites only'.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]''
:'''Patrolman''': Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often...
:'''Mike''': Women drivers! ''[everyone chuckles condecsendingly]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. [An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]
:'''Crow''': The paid assassin cruising through town!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say--
:'''Servo''': AAAAAH!
:''[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]''
:'''Servo''': That's what they say.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Frank arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]''
:'''Frank''': ''[Jokingly]'' I give up, officer! What's the charge?
:'''Crow [as patrolman]''': Ha, ha! '''MANSLAUGHTER'''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Engineer''': Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
:'''Tom [as Ralph]''': You're deep, Ernie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Patrolman''': So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
:'''Mike [as patrolman]''': Save a place for me at your dinner table!
:'''Patrolman''': ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
:'''Tom''': ...uh-oh...
:'''Patrolman''': ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
:'''Crow''': OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
:'''Patrolman''': Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
:'''Tom''': He's a bad cop on the loose!
:'''Patrolman''': ...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
:'''Mike''': Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!

==== Radar Secret Service (movie) ====

:''[As title of movie appears on screen]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Gary_Burghoff|Gary Burghoff]] goes undercover!
:'''Mike''': That would explain his career for the last 10 years.

=== Santa Claus ===

:''[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]''
:'''Magic Voice''': We'll be right back... I think. Noel!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]''
:'''Gypsy''': Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
:'''Mike''': Oh, the big one! Okay. ''[He opens a box]'' Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! ''[He holds it up]'' Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
:'''Gypsy''': Yeah, well, I started knitting it for [[w:Joel Robinson|the other guy]] a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]''
:'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
:. . .
:''[Over Spain]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing along]'' [[w:I Will Follow Him|I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...]]
:. . .
:''[Over China]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' We are forced to sing...
:'''Crow''': Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Boys and girls from England.
:'''Crow''': ...have rotten teeth.
:'''Servo [as Santa]''': Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Japan also helps Santa.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Talented children from the Orient.
:'''Crow''': ...are not here today.
:'''Mike''': Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
:'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Get it on in the morning now!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Even Russia has a delegation.
:'''Crow''': Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The group from France.
:'''Servo''': ...stinks to high heaven!
:. . .
:''[Over Germany]''
:'''Crow [as [[w:Hogan's Heroes|General Burkhalter]]]''': Klink, you are a terrible singer!
:'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
:'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
:'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': Well, my father was a very famous conductor...{{hnote|Werner Klemperer, who played Col. Klink, was the son of the legendary conductor Otto Klemperer. See? Sitting up to watch ''MST3K'' can be quite educational!}}
:'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': Shut up!
:'''Mike''': I just wanna know one thing: When are [[w:Donny and Marie|Donny and Marie]] coming through the door?
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Here's a happy song from Italy.
:'''Servo''': ''[sings random Italian gibberish]''
:'''Crow''': So is this [[w:Italian neorealism|neorealism]]?
:'''Servo [as [[w:The Godfather|Don Corleone]]]''': Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
:'''Mike''': Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The islands of the Caribbean.
:'''Mike''': ...have nothing to do with this movie.
:'''Servo [as a Jamaican]''': Legalize [[w:Marijuana|it]], mon!
:'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Get Up, Stand Up|Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...]]
:'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
:'''Mike''': And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
:'''Crow''': Ho! Santa's doing [[w:Lambada|the forbidden dance]]!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The countries of Central America.
:'''Mike''': ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
:'''Servo''': Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Hooray!
:'''Mike''': Yay! USA! Woo!
:'''Narrator''': The children of the USA.
:'''Crow''': ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
:'''Crow''': ...are over-accessorized.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].''
:'''Narrator''': Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
:'''Crow''': Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
:'''Narrator''': That's right, Lupita, put it back.
:''[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].''
:'''Crow [as mother]''': Way to defeat Satan, honey.
:'''Pitch''': ''[muttering angrily to himself]'' Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
:'''Mike''': ''[bewildered]'' Oh, don't ever do that again.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[cheerfully]'' Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]''
:'''Second boy''': ''[over radio]'' Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
:'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': They're on to me! Into the escape pod!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]''
:'''Crow''': This is a ''[[w:fascism|fascist]]'' Santa!
:'''Mike''': Yeah, at the end, Santa gets [[w:Benito Mussolini|hung upside down]].
:'''Tom''': Well, at least he [[w:Benito Mussolini|made the sleigh rides run on time]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, I suppose ''Hell'' got an [[w:National_Endowment_for_the_Arts|NEA]] grant!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]''
:'''Mike [as announcer]''': It's your new mom! ''[Crow imitates audience roaring]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]''
:'''Mike''': Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several children are writing.]''
:'''Crow [as children]''': [[w:Moby-Dick|Call me Ishmael]]... [[w:Six Crises|I was born in a house my father built]]... [[w:Catch-22 (novel)|The minute Yossarian]]...
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[sings]'' [[w:Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?|I've written a letter to Daddy...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]''
:'''Mike [as boy]''': I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]] contests are a waste of time!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]''
:'''Crow [as Santa]''': Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My [[w:chain letter|chain letter]] scam worked!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Pedro''': What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa?
:'''Santa Claus''': Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol!
:'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': And they eat at [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]''
:'''Servo''': This isn't charming at all! It's creepy!
:''[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head.
:''[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]''
:'''Servo, Mike, and Crow''': He, he haha, hahaha, ''[laughing turns into terrified screams]'' AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!!
:''[Santa is still laughing]''
:'''Mike''': ''[scared]'' What's happening?!
:''[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a [[w:pentagram|pentagram]]-like symbol on the wall.]''
:'''Servo''': A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]''
:'''Servo [as African Child]''': ''[grumbling]'' Bone in my hair... I'm from ''Detroit''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky]'' I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?
:'''Servo''': [[w:Circle Pines, MN|Circle Pines]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]''
:'''Mike [as Santa]''': Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. ''[pause]'' ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho!

=== Teen-Age Crime Wave ===

:''[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]''
:'''Mike [as an answering machine]''': This is [[w:Jim Rockford|Jim Rockford]], leave a message and I'll get back to ya.
:'''Crow''': Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble!
:'''Servo''': ''[starts performing ''[[w:The Rockford Files|The Rockford Files]]'' theme]''

=== Village of the Giants ===

:''[The credits show "Based on ''[[w:The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth|The Food of the Gods]]'' by [[H. G. Wells]]".]''
:'''Crow''': "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
:'''Mike''': It could be based on ''[[w:Profiles in Courage|Profiles in Courage]]!''
:'''Servo''': Oh, by [[w:Theodore Sorensen|Theodore Sorensen]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.'']
:'''Servo''': He blew his hand off!
:'''Crow [as Magnus Pyke]''': [[w:She Blinded Me With Science| I blinded me with science!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]''
:'''Crow''': You know, I'm starting to suspect this ''might'' be padding.
:'''Servo''': Oh, no, no...
:'''Mike''': No, that's real.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Genius (played by a young [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]''
:'''Mike''': I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see ''[[w:Willow_(film)|Willow]]''.
:'''Crow''': Hey, I liked ''Willow''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]''
:'''Mike''': Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with ''Willow''.
:'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I liked ''Willow''!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Kevin Pollak|Kevin Pollak]]? You ''liked'' that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]''
:'''Crow''': Spiders don't growl, even that big.
:'''Mike''': I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl.
:'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I liked ''Willow''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert I.]]
:'''Servo''': That's why he made ''Willow''.
:'''Crow''': Hey, I '''liked''' ''Willow''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, come on! The effects in ''Willow'' were better than this!
:'''Mike''': Hey, you liked ''Willow''!
:'''Crow''': I— huh?

=== 12 to the Moon ===

==== Design for Dreaming (short) ====

:'''Woman''': ''[singing]'' I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright...
:'''Mike''': Aw, y'know, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Mystery Man first appears...]''
:'''Servo''': And Tommy Tune arrives!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Dancing Woman arrives at Motorama...]''
:'''Mike''': Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': You know, I had a near-death experience like this.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Woman''': I want a Corvette!
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': ''[singing]'' I don't give a tin sh...!
:'''Mystery Man''': I thought you would!
:'''Crow [as Mystery Man]''': That's why I entered your head!
:'''Woman''': ''[singing]'' I want a Pontiac, too!
:'''Mike''': Man, she's a high-maintanence date!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' This Buick's a beaut!
:'''Woman''': ''[singing]'' I'll Try it!
:'''Crow''':She's going to roll it!
:''[Mike and Tom Servo gasp]''
...
:'''Servo''':Uh, Security to the showroom floor, please.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In her dream, the woman emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Aaah! It's a salute to [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Mr. B Natural (short)|Mr. B Natural]]!
:'''Servo''': Oh, no, no, no!
:''[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]''
:'''Mike''': This would be the "up" part of her [[w:Bipolar disorder|manic mood swings]], I'm guessing.
:'''Crow''': Oh-ho-ho...
:'''Servo''': Man, it is gonna take her ''forever'' to write this dream down.
:''[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]''
:. . .
:'''Mike:''' I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat!
:'''Crow:''' Well, sometimes a sun hat is ''just'' a sun hat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The woman removes a birthday cake from a futuristic oven.]''
:'''Woman''': My cake is ready.
:'''Mike''': I call no way!
:'''Servo''': Uh-uh. Candles and everything...
:'''Crow''': [[w:Happy Birthday, Wanda June|Happy Birthday, Wanda June]].
: . . .
:'''Crow''': Y'know, just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Now in a gown, the woman is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]''
:'''Narrator [as Announcer]''': And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:A Chorus Line|Chorus Line 2]]: [[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|The Wrath]] of [[w:Chaka Khan|Chaka Khan]]''!
: . . .
:'''Woman''': Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.
:''[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]''
:'''Servo, Crow [as Crowd]''': ''Give us [[w:Cyd Charisse|Cyd Charisse]]!''
:'''Crow''': While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': [[w:Cindy Williams|Cindy Williams]] ''is'' [[w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla Tharp]] ''as'' [[w:Isadora Duncan|Isadora Duncan]] ''in'' ''The [[w:Meredith Monk|Meredith Monk]] Story: A One-Woman Show''!
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Co-starring [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]].
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': As [[w:Charlie's Angels|Bosley]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]''
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...
:'''Crow''': Bonnie and Clyde's death car!
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...
:'''Crow''': Fonzie's death car.
:'''Mike [as Fonzie]''': Ay.
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.
:'''Crow''': Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': The "Closed Three Plants" car.
:'''Mike''': Executive producer, Jack Philbin.
:'''Crow''': The Schick electric razor car!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Costume by [[w:Capri pants|Emilio of Capri]]!
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Unfettered [[Wiktionary:avarice|avarice]] by [[w:Madison Avenue|Madison Avenue]]!
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': ...in ''The Honeymooners''!
:''[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]''
:'''Crow [as the cars "expression"]''': GRRR! RRRRrrrR!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. Throughout the ride, the gang makes noises like "The Jetsons".]''
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.
:''[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]''
:'''Woman''': ''[singing]'' Tomorrow... tomorrow...
:'''Servo''': ''[singing, a la Elmer Fudd]'' [[w:What's Opera, Doc?|With my sword and magic helmet...]]
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Automatic freeway. You build it.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Someone invent rock and roll, please!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends, the Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]''
:'''Mike''': Look out! The bridge to the future's out!
:''[They all gasp and make explosions as the end card appears.]''

==== 12 to the Moon (movie) ====

:''[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]''
:'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Lady!
:'''Crow [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, lady!
:'''Mike [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, down here, lady!
:'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Love this lady.
:'''Mike''': She's in everything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the opening title]''
:'''Mike''': Doughnuts?
:'''Servo''': No, no, no.
:'''Crow [as [[w:Jackie Gleason|Jackie Gleason]]]''': Oh, you're ''goin' '' to the moon, all right!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]''
:'''Mike''': Wow, I think ''I'm'' in this!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]''
:'''Secretary General''': At this moment...
:'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': I may die!
:'''Secretary General''': ... over two billion people...
:'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[w:McDonald's#Parodies in popular media|have been served]].
:'''Secretary General''': … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program.
:'''Mike [as Secretary General]''': ... and my rump.
:'''Secretary General''': Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it...
:'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[wikt:dolphin-safe|dolphin-safe]]!
:'''Secretary General''': ... international territory.
:'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': ... and [[w:IHOP (restaurant)|House of Pancakes]].
: . . .
:'''Secretary General''': God be with you.
:'''Servo''': [[w:Collect#Liturgical collect|And also with you]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]''
:'''Dr. Hamid''': Allah be praised!
:'''Dr. Orlov''': Praise the ship, not Allah.
:'''Servo [as Hamid]''': I'll praise whoever I want, white boy.

== Season 6 ==

=== Girls Town ===

:''[Regarding [[w:Mel Tormé|Mel Tormé]]...]''
:'''Mike''': Hit him! He'll cry!
: . . .
:'''Mike''': He's like a youthful [[w:Star Wars|Jabba the Hutt]].

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]''
:'''Mike Nelson [as Chip]''': ''[screams, then pauses]'' Hey, look, a [[w:Morchella|morel]]! ''[resumes screaming]''
: . . .
:''[Chip hits the ground and dies.]''
:'''Servo [as Chip]''': Uh... call me?
: . . .
:''[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]''
:'''Fred''': Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip?
:'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': Down here! I got a crick in my neck!
: . . .
:'''Fred''': Chip, come on! Say something, Chip!
:'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': "Wuh-aughhh!"
: . . .
:''[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]''
:'''Mike [as Chip's corpse]''': Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]''
:'''Mother Veronica''': Wait for me, sister.
:'''Crow [as Mother Veronica]''': If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced [[w:Paul Anka|Paul Anka]]).]''
:'''Mr. Clyde''': You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"!

<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with her dead ex-boyfriend's father]''
:'''Mr. Gardner''': I'll never understand what my son saw in you.
:'''Silver''': Oh, no? ''[turns to face him]''
:'''Crow [as Silver]''': Do ''these'' explain anything?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]], steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]''
:'''Crow''': Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Silver''': Any.. studs around here?
:'''Serafina''': Any what?
:'''Silver''': Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags!
:'''Serafina''': Only the gardeners.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Serafina]''': And Father Fabio!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]
:'''Jimmy''': I'm just a lonely boy…
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Why does that not surprise me?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The music that rocked America… gently to sleep.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Velvet Hog! {{hnote|Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, ''The Velvet Fog''.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Operator]''': Girls Town, please hold.
:'''Servo [as Hold Music]''': ''[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"]'' Our father, who art in heaven…
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Operator]''': All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. {{hnote|Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]''
:'''Silver''': Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ''ten'' times! I can't get anyone to answer!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Operator]''': Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]''
:'''Silver Morgan''': Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy!
:'''Mike''': Especially since he's thirty-eight!

=== Invasion USA ===

==== A Date with Your Family (short) ====

:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] story!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, I like my family, ''as a friend''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Reading a list of names in the credits]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': All of who are orphans.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Brother looks inside a pot]''
:'''Narrator''': What's the matter?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[w:Fatal Attraction|THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!
]]
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': So they're unsuspecting when they ''kill'' them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]''
:'''Narrator''': Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': With [[w:Strychnine|strychnine]]!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Daughter]''': Salad needs more butter, Mother!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': But not these people.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': What you are watching should have been edited in the final version. My apologies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': They're not, of course...

<hr width="50%">
:''[as the boys talk with their dad]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Junior]''': Father, I had a feeling today.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Father]''': Well ''don't'', son.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mother]''': Hi, I'm Betty, and I'l be your wife tonight.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]''
:'''Narrator''': Brother seats Junior...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Daughter obsesses with the flowers.
:'''Narrator''': ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The less said about this, the better.
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Daughter]''': Dad, I'm dating a Negro!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': Please, God, take me now...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Father begins passing food.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in a British accent]'' [[w:Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field Marshall Montgomery]] sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day...
:''[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]''
:'''Narrator''': They converse pleasantly while Dad serves.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': No, I— I'll just have Saltines.
:'''Narrator''': I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Emotions are for ''ethnic'' people.
:'''Narrator''': Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': I can't stress "unemotional" enough.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Father serves Mother first, then Daughter.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Let's go to the flowchart for this.
:. . .
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And be sure to make a plate for the narrator.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': No one starts eating until Father has served himself.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': THIS MEANS YOU!
:'''Narrator''': Always wait for the hostess...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': to seat you.
:'''Narrator''': ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': I'm moving to [[w:Fire Island|Fire Island]], dear.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...even as you gag on it.
:''[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …than having a personality.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': …and they already dislike you enough.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Father]''': Well. That settles it. Spankings all around, then.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Do you? DO YOU?
:'''Narrator''': And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening?
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT!
:'''Narrator''': When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...and control and repression.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this makes me want to heat up a [[w:Libbyland|Libbyland]] frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[waves goodbye]'' Bye-bye, everyone.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Simmel-Mervay release.

==== Invasion USA (movie) ====

:''[Over the opening credits...]''
:'''Mike''': Starring these people ''and'' [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]].
:. . .
:''[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|What, me direct?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Pilot''': Control tower, request landing instructions.
:'''Tom Servo [as flight controller]''': ''[irate]'' Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carla''': ''[about her work at the blood bank]'' We set a record today.
:'''Vince''': You set a record with me a long time ago.
:'''Mike [as Vince]''': God, I'm smooth.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]''
:'''Sylvester''': Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. ''[...]'' Finished with your drink?
:'''Carla''': Yes, but I—
:'''Vince''': ''I'll'' take care of her.
:'''Sylvester''': Is that the way you want it?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Carla]''': ''[suggestively]'' Vince and I are gonna make our ''own'' tank parts.

=== The Dead Talk Back ===

==== The Selling Wizard (short) ====

:''[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]''
:'''Mike''': Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]''
:'''Narrator''': You, the ice cream manufacturer.
:'''Crow''': Up against the wall! Spread 'em!
:'''Narrator''': You...
:'''Mike''': Me?
:'''Narrator''': ...the frozen food distributor.
:'''Servo''': [[w:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry]] before Woodstock.
:'''Narrator''': And you, the food retailer.
:'''Crow [as announcer]''': These three people will square off against—

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Yes, today's problem is merchandising...
:'''Mike''': Over '''three''' kinds of vanilla!
:'''Narrator''': ...to sell in high volume, for high profit.
:'''Crow''': For high people.
:''[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]''
:'''Narrator''': Frozen products are impulse items...
:'''Servo''': I'll take it, I'll take it!
:'''Narrator''': And impulse buying is primarily...
:'''Mike''': Women's fault.
:''[The stack suddenly drops]''
:'''Narrator''': ...an emotional decision.
:'''Crow''': The market crashed!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]''
:'''Narrator''': Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yet, this is the result.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]''
:'''Narrator''': Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard.
:''[The lights go on]''
:'''Servo''': Are we in heaven?
:'''Crow''': ''[as the lights finish]'' Rip-off!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': It's a little big; I just want a hotplate!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard?
:'''Servo''': Bosoms!
:'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling.
:'''Crow''': Or "S. A. S."

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]''
:'''Narrator''': One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling.
:'''Servo''': Just one glance, don't look back.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Noticing a box in the freezer]''
:'''Mike''': This is frozen ''cotton''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range.
:'''Servo''': GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME!
:'''Narrator''': They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity.
:'''Crow''': But don't put your tongue on it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]''
:'''Crow''': Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee.
:'''Narrator''': Gentlemen! If you please!
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': You filthy degenerates!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]''
:'''Narrator''': Yes, on every count...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Guilty!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Next step, open a grocery store.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': This freezer rules!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]''
:'''Narrator''': This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
:'''Mike''': ...makes no sense.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': (singing) ''And it comes out here...''
:. . .
:'''Servo''': WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': But I need a stove.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity...
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Bodies stack easy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the "The End" card]''
:'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': And remember to buy Ed McMahon's [[w:Budweiser|Budweiser]] ice cream.
:'''All''': Hi-yo!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Leni Riefenstahl|Leni Riefenstahl]]'s most powerful film.
:'''Servo''': Hi-yo!

==== The Dead Talk Back (movie) ====
:'''Crow''': ''[as a TV announcer]'' Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a man in a trench coat runs towards a malfuctioning car]''
:'''Mike''': And Creepy [[w:American Automobile Association|Triple-A]] is there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up of crossbow being fired]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Poison Arrow|Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]''
:'''Servo''': Is someone purring?
:''[Crow looks around for a bit.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass.]''
:'''Woman''': I can't hear it clearly—
:'''Servo''': That's because it's '''''A RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance.]''
:'''Crow [as Krasker/[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]]''': And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was ''split''! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the end credits]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead!

=== Zombie Nightmare ===
:''[The opening credits identify the [[w: heavy metal|heavy metal]] bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: [[w:Motorhead|Motorhead]]...]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of [[w:Cole Porter|Cole Porter]] tunes!
:''[...[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]]...]''
:'''Crow''': Uh, that's ''Woman''school?
:''[...[[w:Thor|Thor]]...]''
:'''Servo''': ''[lisping]'' Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth.
:''[...[[w:Deathmask|Deathmask]]...]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, Deathmask ! They played at my parents' anniversary party!
:''[...and [[w:Fist|Fist]].]''
:'''Servo''': And I saw Fist when they opened for [[w:Badfinger|Badfinger]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Before the car hits Tony]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo |Servo]]''': Don't worry, his ''area'' will protect him!
:''[Tony gets hit by car]''
:'''Servo''': ...Or not.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]''
:'''Mike [as one of the teens]''': I think we hit a moose!
:'''Crow [as one of the teens]''': ''[hysterical]'' ''C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]''
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot| Crow]]''': [[w:Dead Skunk|There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road]]! Dead boy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]''
:'''Bobby''': Hey, what's the matter?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': This [[w:Kansas (band)|Kansas]] song just makes me so sad!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jim''': What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]''
:'''Crow [as Tony]''': Must... register... for... semester!
:. . .
:''[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]''
:'''Servo''': Damn radiator!
:'''Crow''': Soundtrack by [[w:John Cage|John Cage]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]''
:'''Servo''': [[Airplane!|The ''dead'' Zone is for loading and unloading only...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[When [[w:Adam West|Adam West]] first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]''
:'''Servo [as ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' TV announcer]''': What's ''this''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Det. Sorrell''': ''[on the issue of Bobby's murder]'' The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it!
:'''Capt. Churchman''': Maybe James Earl has a great batting average.
:'''Servo''': But it's the [[w: Run batted in|R.B.Is]] that count, isn't it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]''
:'''Crow''': Y'know, ironically, they were only able to [[w:Al Capone|bust the zombie for tax evasion!]] ''[chuckles]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Hal Needham|Hal Needham]] was brought in to direct this scene.
:''[The car drives off the screen.]''
:'''Servo''': And that's it.

=== Colossus and the Headhunters ===

:''[Our hero [[w:Maciste|Maciste]] (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]''
:'''Servo [as Maciste]''': I leave you alone for ''one hour—!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ariel''': What is your name?
:'''Maciste''': Maciste, and yours?
:'''Crow''': ''[holding back laughter]'' ''Cheese''steak?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]''
:'''Crow''': Hmm... the camera operator is ''indulging'' himself here...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time!
:'''Maciste''': Land! Land!
:'''Servo [as Maciste]''': It would be really great if we found some land!
:'''Mike [as Maciste]''': It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[snickering]'' Luckily, this was before death had been invented.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]''
:'''Crow [as Maciste]''': ''[wearily]'' Hey, look, my island blew up!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh no! It's a horrible drop into...
:''[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh. Heh.
:. . .
:''[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]''
:'''Servo [as soldier]''': Hey, this is fun! Whoopee!
:'''Mike''': And thus, [[w:synchronized swimming|synchronized swimming]] was invented!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]''
:'''Kermes''': The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance.
:'''Mike''': Pssh! ''He's'' talking about fragile shoulders.
:'''Kermes''': Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty...
:'''Servo''': And pants!
:'''Kermes''': And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess.
:'''Crow''': Well, at least you're not pompous.
: . . .
:'''Kermes''': That is why you and I will rule together with me as your...
:'''Servo''': Dun-dun-dun!
:'''Kermes''': ...advisor.
:'''Crow''': Huh?!
: . . .
:''[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]''
:'''Mike [as Kermes]''': Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A fight scene has broken out.]''
:'''Mike''': Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.]''
:'''Servo''': Now ''this'' will anger the gods!
: . . .
:''[The not very good dance goes on and on.]''
:'''Mike''': So... the director has a girlfriend.
:'''Crow''': Apparently!
: . . .
:'''Crow''': This is history's first awkward moment.
:'''Mike''': ''[dramatically]'' For the first time, people don't know where to look.
: . . .
:'''Crow [as the blind King]''': I think it's pretty good!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]''
:'''Mike''': Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]''
:'''Mike [as Kermes]''': ''[Lisping.]'' I caught you, you bitch!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]''
:'''Mike [as Maciste]''': Wow, those sharp things really work!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally ''does'' something!

=== The Creeping Terror ===

:''[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]''
:'''Sheriff Ben''': It could be one of our missiles.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Martin]''': This county has missiles, sir?

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''The carpet/alien is "devouring" a victim, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth'']
:'''Mike [as Alien]''': Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in...
:'''Crow [as Alien]''': I can't believe I ate the ''whole'' thing!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]''
:'''Crow''': When [[w:Tom Wolfe#The white suit|Tom Wolfe's]] wife does the laundry!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]''
:'''Servo''': Let the current take you away! '''''SWIIIIM!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …to a sold-out crowd!
:'''Narrator''': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And those who did ''not'' survive such a catastrophe ''also'' would not go there again.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Martin desperately tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, there's ''bullets'' in the other end of that thing!

=== Bloodlust! ===
==== Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) ====
:''[The title appears on screen.]''
:'''Crow''': I ''thought'' I smelled something!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': Is [[w:Velveeta|Velveeta]] a member of the National Dairy Council?
:'''Servo''': Naw, Velveeta's a splinter group.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an ''edgy'' man who should not be riled.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day…
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Day after life-sucking day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''As grain pours out of a spout'']
:'''Crow [as George]''': I just saw a finger!
:'''Mike''': Can we go home?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The kids are playing in the hay]''
:'''Servo [as city girl]''': But I have to be careful with my new jeans 'cause I just got them at [[w:Pamida|Pamida]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The girls wake up in their bunk bed and talk to each other.]''
:'''Crow [as girl]''': Uncle Jim's out of control - we [[w:Frag_%28military%29|frag]] him today.

==== Bloodlust! (movie) ====

:''[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's ''Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party''—
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''I'' did it!
:'''[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]], Servo, [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': CROW!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]''
:'''Mike [as the skull]''': ''[muffled and sarcastically]'' Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:[''In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended'']
:'''Mike [as Al Jolson]''': ''[singing]'' Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I ''don't like'' the villain!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]''
:'''Mike''': Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", ''then'' this would be ironic.

=== Code Name: Diamond Head ===

==== A Day at the Fair (short) ====

:''[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, I didn't finish!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the very beginning of the short]''
:'''Narrator''': This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
:'''Servo''': Any questions so far?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]''
:'''Narrator''': Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator/Barker]''': Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! {{hnote|Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for The Price is Right.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Johnny goes first to see the fish.
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I like fish...
:'''Narrator''': Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home.
:'''Mike''': Well, see, they ''were'' in the creek, but they've been ''caught'' and that's why they're ''here''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Later, these moths turn up [[w:Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs)|in the mouths of Bob's victims!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Showing a collection of pickle jars]''
:'''Servo''': Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
:''[The short cuts to a new scene]''
:'''Narrator''': What's this?
:'''Crow''': EVIL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]''
:'''Narrator''': Judging cakes oughta be fun.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': … but this woman sucks the joy out of it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]''
:'''Narrator''': First, she ''feels'' the cake...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...then she rubs it into her hair...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]''
:'''Mike [as Mr. Olsen]''': Let's go eat something gray.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]''
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! ''Waaait''...
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings!
:'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' What, tinsel, little lights?
:'''Servo''': This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': [[w:Grazing_in_the_Grass#The_Friends_of_Distinction_version|Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]''
:'''Narrator''': Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bob]''': Where's the corn go?
:'''Narrator''': Wonder what it would be like to fly it?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. {{hnote|American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Harness races at the grandstand]''
:'''Crow [as horse]''': Get the car! There's carrots in the car!
:'''Servo [as horse]''': Carrots? I love carrots!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three!
:'''Crow''': ''[quietly, as if off in distance]'' ''Aiieee''...
:'''Servo''': Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh?
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': They're into the curb.
:'''Servo''': And they're into jazz.
:'''Crow [as boy]''': Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya!
:. . .
:''[One horse is way behind.]''
:'''Mike [as horse]''': Uh, hey guys, wait up!
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': The race is over.
:'''Crow''': And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage.
:'''Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]''' ''Elvira...''
:''[Fade to the next scene]''
:'''Servo [as Bob]''': Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]''
:'''Narrator''': Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl!
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The cows are furious!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends]''
:'''Narrator''': Too soon, the rides are over.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The lawsuts begin.
:'''Narrator''': And too soon, all the fun comes to an end.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as one of the Olsons]''': You spent your nickel, we're done.

==== Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) ====
:''[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]''
:'''Crow''': Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to—
:''[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]''
:'''Mike, Servo, & Crow''': AAAAAAAAH!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': This is so almost ''Mitchell''.
:'''Crow''': It's about fifty pounds short of ''Mitchell''.

=== The Skydivers ===
==== Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) ====
:''[Over the title screen]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Because you're bad at math?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short is a Centron production.]''
:'''Servo''': Thank you, Centron!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[after several seconds of silence]'' Depressed yet?
:'''Joe [voiceover]''': You know, it's fun to have an idea.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': There, wasn't that fun?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]''
:'''Joe''': And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': ''[luridly]'' ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
:'''Joe''': I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': ''[nervously]'' I put them in my underwear!
:'''Joe''': ...the bright glare of a welder...
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
:'''Servo [as Joe]''': Yes!
:'''Joe''': ...the sharp whine of the power tools…
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': ...the piercing scream of a freshman…
:'''Joe''': ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep ''Popular Mechanics'' under my mattress!
:'''Servo''': The feeling of chaps with no pants!
:'''Joe''': ...A wrench...
:'''Mike''': Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
:'''Joe''': ...A plane...
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[haltingly]'' These tools are my friends!
:'''Joe''': ...or a chisel...
:'''Servo''': What about girls young man? Girls?
:'''Mike''': No, no, chisels!
:'''Joe''': And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman.
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': And not a killer!
:'''Joe''': Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Then they pants you and drag you around the track…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]''
:'''Joe's buddy''': Wow, you made this?
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': I'm making it for the [[w:Ku Klux Klan|Grand Wizard]].
:'''Joe's buddy''': Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
:'''Joe''': It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
:'''Joe's buddy''': Kinda slow, huh?
:'''Joe''': Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe's buddy''': How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
:'''Joe''': I like it swell. Why?
:''[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
:'''Servo [as Joe's buddy]''': Could you staple my ears back?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
:'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] carpenters.
:'''Servo [as Mr. Barnes]''': ''[woodenly]'' We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
:. . .
:''[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
:'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] foundry men.
:'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''Oh, you never would believe where those [[w:Keebler|Keebler]] cookies come from...''
:'''Mr. Barnes''': Tool operators.
:'''Crow''', '''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Tool operator . . . [[w:Smooth Operator|tooooooool operator]] . . .

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends]''
:'''Crow''': This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch [[w: The_Story_of_Menstruation|the ''other'' film]]!

==== The Skydivers (movie) ====
:''[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Suzy''': Is Frankie here?
:'''Beth''': Frankie's not here.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie goes to Hollywood]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Beth''': Would you like some coffee?
:'''Joe Moss''': Coffee?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Joe]''': What is this "coffee"?
:'''Joe Moss''': ''[stiltedly]'' I ''like'' coffee!
:'''Beth''': Well, good!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
:. . .
:''[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': Where ''is'' it, your "coffee"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[[w:Terror in the Sky|Terror at Sea-level]]''.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[giggling]'' More terrifying than ''[[w:Airport '77|Airport '77]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]''
:'''Harry''': What happened?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Beth]''': I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Beth looks on as Harry [played by [[w:Anthony Cardoza|Tony Cardoza]]] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]''
:'''Mike [as Beth]''': Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
:'''Harry''': Bob, you ready?
:'''Bob''': ''[off-camera]'' Sure, Harry!
:''[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—!
:'''Mike''': ''[sputters unintelligibly]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Someone with [[w:Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder|attention deficit disorder]] edited this film.
: . . .
:''[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]''
:'''Crow''': What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your ''head''?
:'''Mike''': Generic Plane. ''Cheaper'' than other planes.
: . . .
:''[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]''
:'''Crow''': Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for ''you''...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]''
:'''Mike''': Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies.
: . . .
:'''Servo [as Suzy]''': I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion.
:'''Suzy''': Will I see you tomorrow?
:'''Mike [as Harry]''': Uh, you have to ask the editor.
:'''Harry''': ''[monotone]'' No... not tomorrow.
:'''Crow [as Harry]''': I have a headache... tomorrow.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, she's setting up for a [[w:séance|séance]].
:'''Crow''': They're going to invoke the spirit of the [[w:Continuity (fiction)|continuity]] man.
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Harry]''': Dinner isn't ''white'' enough, honey.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Harry''': And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs.
:'''Mike [as Frankie]''': What if I don't bring 'em with me?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bernie''': I feel real ''free'' in that wild blue sky.
:'''Crow [as Bernie]''': Cops can't touch me ''up there''.
:'''Bernie''': ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there.
:'''Mike [as Bernie]''': Poopin' on people.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]''
:'''Mike''': Seems like they forgot to have things ''happen'' in this movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]''
:'''Crow''': Two zips and we're naked!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]''
:'''Crow''': He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Suzy''': Well, Frankie, are you chicken?
:'''Mike [as Frankie]''': Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]''
:'''Mike''': This isn't ''[[w:The Right Stuff|The Right Stuff]]''; it's just... some ''stuff''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]''
:'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[muttering]'' I see me a hippie. ''[shouting]'' Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]''
:'''Crow''': A stranger comes to town, touches ''nobody's'' life, and leaves.
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Beth]''': Now I can do what I ''really'' want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. [[w:What Color is Your Parachute?|What color ''is'' my parachute?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A guitarist resembles [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]]]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, it's [[w:Amon Göth|Amon Göth]] on guitar! {{hnote|Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]''
:'''Crow [as pilot]''': Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky?

=== The Violent Years ===

==== A Young Man's Fancy (short) ====

:''[Over the opening title]''
:'''Crow''': Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]''
:'''Judy''': Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, evidently.
:'''Mrs. Adams''': Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you.
:'''Judy''': Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good.
:'''Crow [as Judy]''': Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]
:'''Crow [as Judy]''': There. Now I look like Mom.
:'''Mike [as Judy]''': Thank goodness for my electric dress!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, the electric phone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]''
:'''Judy''': Did he arrive? Man, he's positively ''frantic''!
:'''Servo [as Judy]''': He runs around screaming!
:. . .
:'''Judy''': And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, ''squishy''!
:'''Crow [as the person on the phone]''': Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]''
:'''Mrs. Adams''': There. Nothing to it.
:'''Servo''': AND IT'S QUIET, TOO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]''
:'''Crow''': Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is ''psychotic?''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]
:'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[coughs]'' OH DEAR!
:'''Judy''': Oh, ''me''!
:'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Did I call that?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]
:'''Alex''': There we are.
:'''Mike [as Alex]''': God, you're ''dumb''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome|Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Alex''': I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing?
:'''Judy''': Dancing? Oh, Alex, how ''dreamy''!
:'''Crow''': ''[begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the closing credits]''
:'''Servo''': This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd!
:'''Mike''': And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom.

==== The Violent Years (movie) ====

:''[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]''
:'''Mike''': Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: [[w:Ed Wood|Ed Wood]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]''
:'''Mike''': She died like she lived... failing algebra.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]''
:'''Crow''': ''Refuses to Press Charges!''
:'''Servo''': ''Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"''
:'''Mike''': ''Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Police car is searching for the girl gang]''
:'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''You said ''you'' knew where the chase was!''
:'''Crow''' [as a cop]: ''No, you said ''you'' knew where it was!''
:'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''Well, I never!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Judge''': Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime...
:'''Mike''': We don't! Can we go?

=== Last of the Wild Horses ===

:''[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Uh sure, I'll have a root beer.
:'''Servo''': I said Coke.
:'''Crow''': I know, I'll have a root beer.
:'''Servo''': All I have is Coke.
:'''Crow''': Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler.
:'''Servo''': Okay. Huh?
:'''Crow''': Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
:'''Servo''': We are.
:'''Crow''': And a show?
:'''Servo''': No!
:'''Crow''': Then why did you say we're going to a show?
:'''Servo''': Because we are!
:'''Crow''': What show?
:'''Servo''': [[w:Awakenings (film)|''Awakenings'']].
:'''Crow''': That's a movie!
:'''Servo''': I know! ''[sighs]'' Are you going to come with?
:'''Crow''': Come with what?
:'''Servo''': Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?!
:'''Crow''': Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you ''borrow me'' some money?
:'''Mike''': Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity.
:'''Crow''': But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
: . . .
:'''Crow''': So what time's dinner?
:'''Servo''': Noon okay?
:'''Crow''': But that's lunch!
:'''Servo''': Lunch, dinner, same thing.
:''[The Mad's light flashes]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there.
:'''Crow''': Ooh, the blinker!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]''
:'''TV's Frank''': Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater?
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, you're getting too big for that!
:'''TV's Frank''': Aw, it's my favorite part!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]''
:'''[[w:TV's Frank|Frank]]''': You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink!
:. . .
:''[The credits identify [[w:Albert Glasser|Albert Glasser]] as the film's score composer.]''
:'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Forrester]]''': Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and ''pummels'' you with music!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Storyteller]''': Ungodly coincidences of the Old West.
:''[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]''
:'''Riley''': He dropped something. See what it is.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Riley]''': It's a [[w:Plot device|plot device]]. It's very flimsy, so ''be careful''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]''
:'''Mike [as Riley]''': Ooh! [[wikt:needle in a haystack|Found the needle!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:I Fought The Law|I fought the loft and the loft won.]]

=== The Starfighters ===

:''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]''
:'''Crow''': Ah, [[w:Christo|Christo's]] latest installa—oh good.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lyons]''': Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lyons]''': Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]''
:'''Col. Hunt''': Do you know, flying a plane is like making love?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Maj. Stevens]''': Uh, you have to pay?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]''
:'''Col. Hunt''': Colonel Hunt speaking.
:'''Wikowski''': Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hunt]''': Sarah?
:'''Col. Hunt''': Who's this?
:'''Wikowski''': Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski]''': I sell paneling.
:'''Wikowski''': I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago.
:'''Col. Hunt''': ''[suddenly smiling]'' Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And his face springs into action!
:'''Col. Hunt''': I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you.
:'''Wikowski''': Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Wikowski]''': Perhaps dinner...
:'''Wikowski''': We have a bit in common, you see...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski/[[w:Liberace|Liberace]]]''': My brother George...
:'''Wikowski''': You remember flying in the [[w:European Theater of Operations|ETO]] together, 20 years ago?
:'''Col. Hunt''': Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir.
:'''Wikowski''': Yes, I suppose so.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to Mike, mishearing]'' They were in [[w:Bachman-Turner Overdrive|BTO]]?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I guess...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]''
:'''Crow''': Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
:'''Servo''': It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]!
:'''Mike''': Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
:''[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
:'''Crow''': It landed on [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]]!
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': ''[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target]'' Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- ''[the missile then blows up the target]'' Oooh!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]''
:'''Mike''': "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that...
:'''Servo''': It says "Lift Here".
:'''Mike''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike [as Crashed Pilot]''': Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine!
:'''Servo [as Rescuer]''': You were only here for ten minutes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right?
:'''Mike''': Um...
:'''Servo''': Am I right?
:'''Mike''': Yeah. That is correct.

=== The Sinister Urge ===

==== Keeping Clean and Neat (short) ====
:''[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]''
:'''Narrator''': Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes!
:'''Mike [as Don]''': But that's how they treat me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]''
:'''Narrator''': Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was!
:'''Servo''': [[w:Don Was|Don Was]]? The producer?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]''
:'''Servo [as Henry Higgins]''': [[w:My Fair Lady (film)|Why can't a woman be more like a man?]]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices.
:'''Crow''': The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]''
:'''Narrator''': Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ''Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!''

==== The Sinister Urge (movie) ====

:''[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She must be one of [[w:Bob Packwood|Senator Packwood]]'s aides.

=== San Francisco International ===

:''[Mike and the bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park.
:''[The logo fades.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, big friggin' deal!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title ''San Francisco International'' appears on-screen.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' San Francisco International Airport! Where the big [[w:B-actor|b-actors]] roar!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]''
:'''Servo''': ''Terror'' at... uh, sea level.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Katie Barrett]''': Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]''
:'''Mike''': There's a ''New'' Testament in town!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]''
:'''Crow [as Pernell]''': Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses."

=== Kitten with a Whip ===
:''[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] cartoon blare from the TV.]
:'''Mike''': [[w:Carl Stalling|Carl Stalling]]'s in his house!
:''[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]] cartoon ''[[w:Canned Feud|Canned Feud]]''.]''
:'''Crow''': Hey, something ''good!''
:'''Servo''': All right!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as David]''': Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]].

=== Racket Girls ===

==== Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) ====

:''[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]''
:'''Crow''': Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]''
:'''Servo''': Visit your government church!
:'''Mike''': First Federal Church, member [[w:Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation|FDIC]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]''
:'''Hall''': When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction...
:'''Servo [as Larry]''': Oh ''yeah!''
:'''Hall''': ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...''boing!''
:'''Mike [as Larry]''': You saw my boing?
:'''Larry''': How did you know?
:'''Hall''': Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing".
:'''Crow [as Hall]''': Sometimes there's a "shplurt"!
:'''Hall''': For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically…
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hall]''': …if one of you is ''cuckoo''…
:''[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]''
:'''Hall''': …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until…
:''[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]''
:'''Larry''': It's gone!
:'''Sue''': Where'd it go?!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Larry]''': ''We're gonna die!''
:'''Hall''': That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Larry]''': ''BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]''
:'''Crow''':''[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|MARINES, WE ARE ''LEAVING''!]]
:''[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]''
:'''Mike [as Sue]''': Sorry, back in [[w:Da Nang|Da Nang]] there for a minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]''
:'''Sue''': Do we have similar backgrounds?
:'''Mike [as Sue]''': Do we have any priors?
:'''Sue''': Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
:'''Crow [as Sue]''': I worship [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]]!
:'''Sue''': ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
:'''Servo [as Sue]''': You know, God and stuff.
:'''Sue''': Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
:'''Mike [as Sue]''': [[w:Bella Donna (album)|So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.]]

==== Racket Girls (movie) ====

:''[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]''
:'''Crow''': Is there a midway nearby?
: . . .
:'''Mike''': Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise!
:'''Crow [as usher]''': Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, another sellout crowd.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Scalli''': Hey, Joe!
:'''Servo [as Scalli]''': [[w:Hey Joe|Where you going with that gun in your hand?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[nervously]'' I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]''
:'''Crow''': ''Music?!'' Why ''here?'' Why now? '''''WHY US?!'''''

=== The Sword and the Dragon ===

:''[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]''
:'''Mike [as Ilya]''': Man, she's a fox.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see a large banquet taking place]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as man]''': It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a ''pretty'' man...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as man]''': Sven, no! You mustn't!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]''
:'''Ilya''': Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife.
:'''Servo [as Ilya]''': Let us the nasty do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]''
:'''Crow''': ''Crows!'' My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are?
:'''Servo''': ''[doubtfully]'' Uh huh...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]''
:'''Little Falcon''': It is as though in a vision... I see my mother!
:''[He turns to face Ilya]''
:'''Crow [as Little Falcon]''': Mom!

=== High School Big Shot ===

==== Out of This World (short) ====

:''[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]''
:'''Mike''': They're operating under a different theology.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Red is explaining the details of his plan]''
:'''Red''': Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...?
:'''Crow [as Red]''': Say I'm starring in ''[[w:Forever Plaid|Forever Plaid]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]''
:'''Mike [as Whitey]''': So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well...

<hr width="50%">
:''[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]''
:'''Bill Dudley''': First of all, take a look. ''[holds up bread]'' A loaf of bread.
:'''Crow [as Dudley]''': ''Eat every piece!''
:. . .
:'''Whitey''': Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important?
:'''Dudley''': That's exactly the way I feel about it.
:'''Mike [as Dudley]''': ''[miserably]'' I have to. It's all I've got!

<hr width="50%">
:''[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]''
:'''Bill Dudley''': Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
:'''Servo [as Dudley]''': Watch me come on to a grocer.
:. . .
:''[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]''
:'''Dudley''': Hey, something new! ''[pushes cart experimentally]''
:'''Mike [as Dudley]''': Be a shame if this ran over your kid...

<hr width="50%">
:'''Bill Dudley''': You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking...
:''[cut to a montage of grocers]''
:'''Mike [as grocer]''': What a moron.
:'''Grocer voiceover''': That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile.
:'''Servo [as grocer]''': What's he on?
:'''Voiceover''': Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect.
:'''Crow [as grocer]''': What does he want from me?
:'''Voiceover''': Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself.
:'''Servo [as Grocer]''': Why can't he leave me alone?
:'''Voiceover''': I like to do business with salesmen like that.
:'''Mike [as Grocer]''': But his bread sucks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this ''[taps head]'' and this. ''[taps inventory book]''
:'''Crow''': A hat and a pad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' That's why I keep these bull-eye's handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up.
:'''Mike''': Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't ... well, you know...

==== High School Big Shot (movie) ====

:''[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He has a haunting ugliness.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the opening title]''
:'''Mike''': The Potsie story.

=== Red Zone Cuba ===

==== Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short) ====

:'''Narrator''': The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …after the human nipple.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ...Okay...
:'''Narrator''': ...a doll that never talked.
:'''Mike''': ''[nervously]'' Just do what he says...
:'''Narrator''': Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke.
:'''Servo''': Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]''
:'''Narrator''': Be sure to wear a clean shirt...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Be sure to get a brand-new ''chin''.
:'''Narrator''': ...and your favorite tie.
:'''Servo''': Now you're ready to [[w:The Godfather (film)|rub out Sonny Corleone]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]''
:'''Narrator''': ...You will look poised and dignified.
:'''Mike''': Uh, no you won't.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Don't do this ''during'' the speech.

==== Red Zone Cuba (movie) ====

:''[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Was he ''always'' a hundred years old?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson ([[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]).]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Kid looks like a reporter from the ''Catholic Digest''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]''
:'''Servo''': ''[deep voice]'' John Carradine for [[w:Viceroy (cigarette)|Viceroy.]]
:''[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]''
:'''Crow''': ''[lisping]'' [[w:Sal Mineo|Sal Mineo]] for Viceroy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]''
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in ''The Fugitive!''
:'''Servo [as Curly Howard]''': Hey, Moe!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]''
:: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load
:: I got Coleman Francis on my mind.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, I see some [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer players]] down there...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]''
:'''Joe''': Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
:'''Crow, Servo [as Men]''': You shove off!
:'''Joe''': …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
:'''Mike [as Joe]''': There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
:'''Joe''': At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.
:'''Servo [as Joe]''': Ted, you take Havana.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Griffin (played by [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]]) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]''
:'''Mike [as Cuban Soldier]''': The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]''
:'''Mike''': Ah! I think my ''neck'' got broken in that jump cut!
:'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "''I just don't know!''"
:'''Crow''': I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt ''me''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]''
:'''Mike [as Store Clerk]''': Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons!

=== [[w:Danger!! Death Ray|Danger!! Death Ray]] ===
:''[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
:'''Mike''': There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound [[w:Interstate 94|94]], you might want to take an alternate route.
:. . .
:''[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]''
:'''Mike''': What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest?
:'''Crow''': It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - ''big'' creative dispute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': What country is this taking place in?
:'''Mike''': Europe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]''
:'''Mike''': They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]''
:'''Crow''': (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time.
:''[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]''
:'''Mike''': In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies.
:'''Servo [as watcher]''': Why can't I get the ''Red Shoe Diaries''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They're coming up for more baking soda.
:''[Crow begins snickering.]''
:'''Mike''': Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
:''[Crow snickers again.]''
:'''Servo''': This set is at least three box tops.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[recovering his composure]'' Special effects by... Billy!
: . . .
:''[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]''
:'''Mike''': Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
: . . .
:''[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]''
:'''Sub Captain''': Okay. We can dive.
:'''Servo [as Captain]''': Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
:'''Crow [as Captain]''': Head towards the drain.
:''[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Das Boot|Das Toy Boat]]!
:'''Servo [as Captain]''': Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
:'''Crow''': Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]''
:'''Bart Fargo''': You're the one who knows everything...
:'''Mike [as Fargo]''': Who's God?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]''
:'''Henchman''': We're looking for a man.
:'''Mike [as Henchman]''': Are you him?
:'''Lucille''': My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
:'''Servo [as Henchman]''': I think you know what I ''meant''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]''
:'''Bart Fargo''': You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too.
:''[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]''
:'''Servo''': Olé!
:''[Crow giggles.]''
:'''Mike [as Bart]''': And the way you dove out the window was just terrible!
:''[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]''
:'''Servo [as Bart]''': Ooh, sorry, ma'am.
:'''Bart Fargo''': That's too bad.
:'''Crow''': Oh, come on! What about "he really ''fell'' for me"? Or "his hopes have been ''crushed''"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]]!
:'''Crow''': Some little boy is going to be ''very'' upset.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Assassin/Mulwray]''': [[Chinatown (film)#sister-daughter|My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A baccarat game is in progress.]''
:'''Croupier''': Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000.
:'''Crow [as Player]''': It'd better be a damn good bonk.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]''
:'''Servo''': This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there!
:''[beat]''
:'''Servo''': But it's nice.
:'''Mike''': It is nice, yeah.
:''[Crow laughs.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Bart Fargo IS... [[w:Hard To Kill|''Hard to—'' watch]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Bart Fargo. ''Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo...'' Heh, that's hard!

=== The Beast of Yucca Flats ===

==== Money Talks (short) ====

:''[William looks at a [[w:Franklin half dollar|Franklin half-dollar]] he's holding.]''
:'''William''': Fifty cents. Half a dollar.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': In those days, that'd buy you a car.
:'''William''': Benjamin Franklin, eh?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as William]''': Bite me, Franklin!
:'''William''': He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red.
:'''Crow [as William]''': He was the best President we ever had. {{hnote|Benjamin Franklin, although a Founding Father, was never President.}}
: . . .
:''[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]]! {{hnote|Director Alfred Hitchcock's trademark image was a stylized silhouette of his ample girth.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ben Franklin''': You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father…
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Franklin]''': …James Joyce.
:'''Ben Franklin''': …something quite unheard of in my day.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fathers?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar]
:'''Mike''': Benjamin Franklin was tried in the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit|Eighth circuit court]] on [[w:stalking|stalking]] charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. {{hnote|A reference to the famous ending of Dragnet}}

==== Progress Island USA (short) ====

:''[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]''
:'''Crow''': Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later!

<hr width=50%>
:'''Narrator''': An American Democracy...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Would be really great.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': And very hard to sleep!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move.
:'''Mike''': Hawaii?
:'''Crow''': No, an ''island!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shots of a school are shown.]''
:'''Narrator''': Bilingual schools.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Bisexual students.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh. When did they change the name?
:'''Servo''': A Quinn Martin production.
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[as the music ends]'' PUERTO RICO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': So you might as well just stay where you are.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a Burger King...]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, indigenous cuisine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over quick shots]''
:'''Mike''': With this, and this, and ''that!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]''
:'''Crow''': Here, money is exchanged for coconuts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Students are shown at college.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Latka Gravas|Latka Gravas]] goes to class.
:'''Crow [as Latka]''': Thank you veddy much.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': It's ''[[w:Room 222|Room Dos-Dos-Dos]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Here, we're flying in another trumpet section.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the next piece of background music]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, let's get funky now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Look, just come here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Another piece of background music ends.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': PROGRESS!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]''
:'''Crow''': Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held.
:'''Mike''': Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid.
:'''Servo''': Here, [[w:Up With People|Up With People]] get down.
:''[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]''
:''Mike [singing]'': [[w:Achy Breaky Heart|Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart]]] . . .

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': GAMBLING!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family.
:'''Servo''': Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]''
:'''Crow''': Hit me!
:'''Narrator''': A band concert under warm, tropical skies.
:'''Crow''': The music of [[w:John Phillips Sousa|John Phillips Salsa]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago.
:''[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': A CENTURY AGO!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over shots of tropical flowers.]''
:'''Narrator''': Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year.
:'''Mike''': As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of cows grazing.]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Here are some moo cows.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]''
:'''Servo [as worker, drunkenly]''': I love this job!
:'''Narrator''': Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So, drink rum constantly.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of front of [[w:Digital Equipment Corporation|Digital]] building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Why, even aliens from Mars are here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]''
:'''Narrator''': A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology.
:''[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]''
:'''Mike''': Things with blinky buttony-type things.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]''
:'''Crow''': Then KISS came to town!
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff.
:. . .
:''[We see record players being made.]''
:'''Mike''': These'll never go out of style.
:'''Crow''': Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, we'll move there!
:'''Servo''': Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the short's closing screen]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did ''not'' offend.

==== The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) ====

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]''
:'''Mike''': Get off my land, you credits!

<hr width="50%"/>
''[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", [[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]] as the titular beast.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play the Butler.
:'''Mike''': Tor Johnson as the Beast, that's just smart casting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a chase scene.]''
:'''Servo''': Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]] way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's ''Beast of Yucca Flats''. A Francis Ford Coppola film.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Flag on the moon. How'd it get there?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': These are all just random sentences, folks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Touch a button, things happen.
:'''Mike''': ...Uh, sometimes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Rootie patootie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': His limericks aren't very good...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Vacation time.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So... goodbye.
:'''Narrator''': People travel east, west... north or south.
:'''Servo''': And some people just burrow straight down, I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of the mountain...]''
:'''Narrator''': To get to the top... a man needs an airplane.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Or a giant pogo stick.
:'''Narrator''': Jump from a plane, land at the top.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Jaworski, [[w:Ron Jaworski|Ron Jaworski]]. Played quarterback for the Eagles.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man is chased by a light plane.]''
:'''Servo''': Ahh, bit of a ''ripoff?''
:'''Mike''': Coleman steals from [[w:North by Northwest|''only'' the best!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': A man murdered, a woman's purse.
:'''Servo''': A thin plot, endlessly restated.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': [[w:Eleanor Rigby|Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]''
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as the Beast]''': Why, ''why'' can't I get a baked potato before five in this town?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury.
:'''Mike [as the Beast]''': Ah, fudge!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
:'''Narrator''': Noted scientist.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Family man, and your candidate for city council!
:''[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]''
:'''Mike''': So? What ''about'' him?!

=== Angels Revenge ===

:''[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]''
:'''Michelle''': We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here.
:''[Terry sticks her thumb up.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Terry]''': Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now!
:''[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Maria]''': Hah-hah! It's anonymous!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]''
:'''Servo''': Okay, sound by [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], fine.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow:''' That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in [[w:Blaxploitation|Blaxploitation]]-esque outfits.]''
:'''Crow''': I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, you're giving away the plot!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]''
:'''Farrell''': Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad.
:'''Servo [as Farrell]''': He's our only customer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Diner]''': How's about someone shine my steak over here?!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''April''': Women ''can'' make a difference.
:'''Crow''': Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The musical score apes ''[[w:Also sprach Zarathustra (Richard Strauss)|Also sprach Zarathustra]]'' as the Angels' combat van appears.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Vaguely Strauss, ''but notttt!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Terry''': I've got an idea.
:''[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]''
:'''Servo''': What a great idea!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]''
:'''Crow''': It's the [[w:T & A|T & A]]-[[w:The A-Team|Team]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]''
:'''Mike''': Right now, [[w:Benny Hill|Benny Hill]] is smiling down from heaven.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]''
:'''Crow''': It's [[w:Andrea Dworkin|Dworkin]]fest '78!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell ([[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]).]''
:'''Crow [as Farrell/Palance]''': Oh, no! He saw ''[[w:City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold|City Slickers II]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]''
:'''Farrell''': May I speak to you for a moment please?
:'''Crow [as Farrell]''': 'It's about my report card.
:'''April''': Yes? What can I do for you?
:'''Servo [as Farrell]''': What's this "Incomplete" crap?

=== The Amazing Transparent Man ===

==== The Days of Our Years (short) ====

:''[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': So, we have 70 days in each year?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Reverend''': Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there.
:'''Crow''': Oh, sure— HUH?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]''
:'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': ''[guiltily]'' I didn't hate accidents enough...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]''
:'''Mike [as Reflection]''': ''[gravelly voice]'' Come over to this side!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Reflection]''': ''[eerily]'' Obey the toaster!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[on Joe's fiance Helen]'' She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe".
:'''Mike''': So his name is Joe Joe?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]''
:'''Narrator''': She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away.
:'''Crow''': Speaking of accidents...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ''[noticing a theme]'' So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[during funeral sequence]'' Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[curtly]'' ...because he's DUMB!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]''
:'''[[w: Tom Servo|Tom]] [as George]''': Boring!
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as George]''': ''[as he shuts the curtains]'' There, my problem went away.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ''[on the frailty of time]'' A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years...
:'''Mike''': A disastrous one would be cool to watch!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]''
:'''Crow [as director]''': Hey, we're tryin' to film here!

==== The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) ====

:'''Crow''': [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]] in ''[[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the music]''
::He's amazing and amusing,
::he's delicious and nutritious,
::two for breakfast, one for...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Krenner''': Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors.
:'''Mike [as Dr. Ulof]''': You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]''
:'''Servo''': If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as Dr. Ulof]''': Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal.
:. . .
:''[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]''
:'''Crow''': Kind of an abstract sculpture of [[w:Jayne Mansfield|Jayne Mansfield]].
:. . .
:''[Ulof inserts a [[w:Dremel|Dremel]]-like device between the two globes.]
:'''Mike''': I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': All this just to get a UHF station?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, he's with the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Krenner''': Keep your eye on the guinea pig.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Keep your ''eyeeeee'' on the ''guinea pig!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.]
:'''Mike [as Faust]''': I'll be right back right after this.

=== Samson vs. the Vampire Women ===
:'''Crow''': Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the [[w:Cher|Cher]] jokes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Rebecca (novel)|Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]''
:'''Crow [as Owl]''': ¡Qui! ¡Qui! {{hnote|Apparently meant to be Spanish for 'Who! Who!', a word-play on the English for owl hooting in this Mexican film — except that '¡Quien!' is the correct word - 'Qui!' is French.}}
: . . .
:''[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]''
:'''Crow''': Let the Cher jokes...begin.
:'''Servo''': Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]''
:'''Servo''': Another successful [[w:José Eber|José Eber]] makeover.
:'''Crow [as Tandra]''': I'm pretty, so I have value now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Diana plays the [[w:Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)|"Moonlight" Sonata]], four bats hover outside her window.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, the woodland creatures ''love'' her music!
:'''Crow''': I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
:'''Servo''': The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
:'''Crow [as Bat]''': I don't know how long I can keep this up!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]''
:'''Crow [as Woman]''': We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! {{hnote|This movie was one of over 50 Mexican wrestling films starring El Santo (aka Samson).}}
:'''Servo''': Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[trying to stifle a laugh]'' ''Pfft''HA'''''HA!!!'''''
:'''Samson''': I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
:'''Servo [as Samson]''': I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?

== Season 7 ==

=== Night of the Bloodbeast ===

==== Once Upon a Honeymoon (short) ====

:''[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, how many times [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] and [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] had sex!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The_Producers_(1968_film)|Springtime for Hitler and Germany]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]''
:'''Crow [as [[w:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]]]''': Lucy, I'm dead!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a wide shot of the living room]''
:'''Mike''': They live in a doll house!
:'''Crow''': You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]''
:'''Mike [as Jeff]''': What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that.
:'''Servo''': One of 32 short films about... this guy.
:'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"?
:'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music!
:''[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] came over to help.
:'''Mary''': No inspiration, darling?
:'''Jeff''': I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today.
:'''Crow [as Mary]''': Why would you wanna write him?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a castle in the sky...
:'''Mike''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, well, wish in one hand and ''crap'' in the other and see which one piles up first!
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' Away up high where bluebirds like to fly...
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wish I could have sex with [[w:Louis Nye|Louis Nye]]...
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more...
:'''Crow [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wouldn't have to dress like [[w:Tipper Gore|Tipper Gore]]...
:. . .
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish my living room were all redone...
:'''Mike [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Citizen Kane|I think owning a newspaper would be fun]]...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'': I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day...
:'''Crow''': AIM HIGH, SISTER!
:''[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]''
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen!
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish that refridgerator door would close and stay closed...
:'''Mike [as the fridge]''': Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refridgerator.
:'''Crow [as announcer]''': Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse!
:'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit...
:'''Crow''': ''[in a Australian accent]'' Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]''
:'''Mike''': Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]''
:'''Mike''': That's about as sexy as a garage.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Mary]''': Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Here's how far I've gotten: '''LA'''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Male Neighbor]''': Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Female Neighbor]''': Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Money (Pink Floyd song)|Money]]...
:'''Jeff''': Wait a minute, do that again!
:'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum.
:'''Jeff''': Yeah! Yeah! Why not?
:'''Servo [as Jeff]''': I'll call someone to write the song!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing along]'' Everybody was... [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|kung fu fighting]], yeah!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]''
:'''Crow''': Welcome to Shakey's!
:''[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[gasps]'' Elton John was here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This would make a great companion movie with ''[[w:Eraserhead|Eraserhead]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends]''
:'''Mike [as announcer]''': The following scene contains graphic sexual content.
:'''Servo''': Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway?

==== Night of the Blood Beast (movie) ====

:''[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[w:John F. Kennedy|JFK]]]''': [[w:Apollo program#Background|Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County]].
:'''Servo''': It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]''
:'''Dr. Wyman''': No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Wyman]''': Well, let's give him more time to die.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Wyman''': I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long.
:'''Mike [as Wyman]''': And I love it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]''
:'''Dave''': Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute?
:'''Tom Servo [as Donna]''': Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!
:'''Mike [as Dave]''': I could have done ''that''...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dave hears something.]''
:'''Dave''': Steve?
:'''Mike''': ''Not everyone is Steve!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]''
:'''Crow [as Donna]''': Um, have you guys seen my brush?
:'''Donna''': Steve.
:'''Mike [as Julie]''': Yes?
:'''Tom Servo [as Dr. Wyman]''': Yes?
:'''Crow [as Steve]''': Yes?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]''
:'''Tom Servo''': And the Steves are there!
:'''Crow''': Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh god... I'm pregnant!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]''
:'''Mike [as Dr. Wyman]''': What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]''
:'''Crow''': This is still a better movie than ''[[w:Junior (film)|Junior]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]''
:'''Donna''': Here's something to complicate things even more.
:'''Crow''': I took these upside down!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Steve enters in from the lab.]''
:'''Steve''': They're gone.
:'''Crow [as Steve]''': My brownies are gone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Hard to trust somebody not named Steve.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]''
:'''Crow''': Carry me.
:'''Tom Servo''': Shut up.
:'''Crow''': Carry me!
:'''Tom Servo''': Shut up.
:'''Crow''': CARRY ME!
:'''Tom Servo''': Shut up!
:'''Crow''': Unnnnnnh...

=== The Brute Man ===

==== The Chicken of Tomorrow (short) ====

:''[Over the short's title screen.]''
:'''Crow''': The [[w:Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton]] Story!
:'''Servo''': The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a dedication in the opening credits]
:'''Crow''': Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war.
:'''Mike''': Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate.
:'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' No, it isn't.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]''
:'''Servo [as chicken]''': Betty, must you sit ''in'' dinner?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': And one large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on.
:'''Servo''': There it is! No wait, there!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine!
:'''Narrator''': Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': ''[muffled]'' I'm in the incubator now...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]''
:'''Mike [as egg]''': Hey, can I go to the bathroom?
:'''Servo [as egg]''': No, stay in there.
:'''Mike [as egg]''': Oh, come on. Can I go home?
:'''Servo [as egg]''': No, the door's locked!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': I've seen [[w:List of I Love Lucy episodes#Season 2|the episode]] where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]''
:'''Narrator''': The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And this fellow.
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': This one unit holds 85,000 eggs.
:'''Servo''': And one bathroom for all of them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]''
:'''Mike''': This is gonna be hot, hot, hot!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Mork calling Orson...
:'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': That is one bloodshot eye.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' How dry I am— ''[hiccups]''
:. . .
:'''Narrator''': And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell.
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The Partridge Family|Come on down and meet everybod]]— Oh, sorry.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': I hate it when people tape their own deliveries.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Aren't there supposed to be pantyhose in there?
:. . .
:'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Oh, what did I do last night?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hey guys, it's God!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, for ''pervs''!
:''[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]''
:'''Crow [as farmer]''': Whoa, [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] there...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]''
:'''Crow [as worker]''': Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids.
:''[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]''
:'''Mike [as baby chick]''': It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral.
:'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group!
:'''Mike''': 40 piece chicken nuggets to go!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': But wait a minute, you may be saying...
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Why am I watching this?
:'''Narrator''': Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three?
:'''Servo''': You bet!
:'''Narrator''': Indeed they can!
:'''Servo''': ''[surprised]'' ...Heh, I was right!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]''
:'''Narrator''': Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I said, "Speed is '''ESSENTIAL'''"!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]''
:'''Mike''': That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken!
:''[the next scene fades in]''
:'''Crow''': Chickens!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]''
:'''Mike [as girl]''': How many are ''you'' sitting on?
:'''Crow [as girl]''': Dad went a little nuts this Easter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator...
:'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Broadway!
:'''Narrator''': ...is the brooder house.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Designed by [[w:Frank Lloyd Wright|Frank Lloyd Wright]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Eat and grow forever...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]''
:'''Narrator''': After the first few days, the paper can be removed.
:'''Crow''': Except for the sports section.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than a hundred birds.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or migrant workers.
:'''Narrator''': The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents.
:''[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]''
:'''Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]''': RODENTS?! '''''AAAAHHH!!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of chickens eating]''
:'''Servo [as chicken]''': Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight.
:'''Crow [as chicken]''': Does this taste funny to you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]''
:'''Narrator''': You know how chickens are.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, they own everything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Remember the old henhouse?
:'''Servo''': The one with the ''rats''?
:'''Narrator''': It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel.
:'''Mike''': Rooms by the hour.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]''
:'''Crow [as chicken]''': Open your hymnals to number 325.
:. . .
:'''Tom [as chicken]''': Everybody! [[w:Soylent Green|Soylent Green]] is made from chickens!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]''
:'''Mike''': There's no point; it's just funny!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]''
:'''Narrator''': A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': She will live.
:'''Narrator''': Keep that one.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': She's worth millions.
:'''Narrator''': But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table.
:'''Servo''': Or put a warning slip on her desk.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Stop throwing them at my car!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': So put your mouth under a chicken.
:. . .
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]''
:'''Narrator''': When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work.
:'''Servo [as chicken]''': Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]''
:'''Crow [as worker]''': There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]''
:'''Mike''': Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]''
:'''Mike''': It's Goofus and Gallant.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]''
:'''Crow T. Robot''': May I have a piece of my own white meat please?
: . . .
:''[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced ''very'' thinly]''
:'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, thanks for the generous portion!
: . . .
:'''Crow''': Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron.
:'''Servo''': These must be models' portions.
:'''Mike [as server]''': This one's for you, [[w:Kate Moss|Miss Moss]], and for you, [[w:Christy Turlington|Miss Turlington]]...
: . . .
:'''Crow''': ''[in Ritzy accent]'' Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! (You can carry it in your wallet.)

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market.
:''[The next scene fades in]''
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We bring you now to market.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]''
:'''Servo''': Ah. He's drunk! Look at him.
:. . .
:''[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Put your hand up. Buy a chicken.
:'''Mike''': ''[raises his hand]'' I want one...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': [[Dirty Harry|Alright, come on, sing, sing! ''Row, row, row''— you're not singing!]]
:'''Narrator''': Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant.
:'''Crow''': Dressing plant? Sounds like fun.
:'''Servo''': I want a new hat.
:''[Shot of a gas station]''
:'''Narrator''': One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market.
:'''Mike''': Even to the Texaco station.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]''
:'''Crow''': There's no driver! The chickens are taking over!

==== The Brute Man (movie) ====

:''["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffett]''': Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]''
:'''Crow [as Cop]''': ''[with exaggerated Irish accent]'' All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]''
:'''Mike [as Moffet]''': They forgot my [[w:Fruit Brute|Fruit Brute]] cereal!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout]'' Hey, it's [[w:WUCW|KTMA]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Helen''': Hal? Hal? Hal?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Helen]''': [[2001: A Space Odyssey|Open the pod bay doors, Hal.]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]''
:'''Crow''': Hey fella, why the long face?
:'''Mike''': Now, come on...
:'''Crow''': ''[laughing]'' I'm sorry, I couldn't...
:'''Mike''': I begged you not to do that!
:'''Crow''': I know...
:'''Servo''': That hurts.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker...
:'''Crow''': In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]''
:'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing.
:''[Mike and Servo both crack up.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ''[annoyed]'' Why didn't they just call this movie ''The Creeper''? ''Brute Man'', pah...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, [[w:Don't_Fear_The_Reaper|don't fear the creeper]].

=== Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell ===

:''[Over the title screen]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, where's the [[w:umlaut|umlaut]]?
:'''Servo''': Oh, these guys are, like, warriors ''from Hell!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]''
:'''Crow''': Let's see how long THESE accents last!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]''
:'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': We're taking it to the streets!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]''
:'''Crow''': Well, it looks like I'm [[wikt:masturbate|boxing the clown]] again tonight!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.]
:'''Servo [as warrior]''': Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh...
:''[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]''
:'''Crow''': Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Troxartis''': ''[haltingly, overacting]'' This has. Nothingtodowith. Being ''RICH''.
:'''Servo [as Troxartis]''': I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking ''WITH'' them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]''
:'''Crow''': You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound.
:''[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]''
:'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': I just heard an eagle meow!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]''
:'''Khorsa''': You sleep in the barn!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Deathstalker]''': This ''isn't'' the barn?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as Khorsa]''': ''[addressing the Warriors from Hell]'' Excuse me, Mr. Moose?
:'''Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]''': We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|We're the knights of the round table!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh no, he made a saddle out of [[w:Grover|Grover]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]''
:'''Mike''': This movie is like playing [[w:Doom (video game)|Doom]] when there's no monsters or opponents.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Deathstalker''': ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee O-dee|Spo-dee o-dee]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]''
:'''Mike [as attacker]''': Remember, top rung not to be used as a step!
:'''Crow [as attacker]''': Who ''are'' we?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]''
:'''Mike''': What the— Uh? Th— Oh... ''[as Troxartis]'' You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]''
:'''Marinda''': I love you!
:'''Servo''': Quick! Jam a potato in the wound!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Marinda]''': You were my first... tuber.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]''
:'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': She came from somewhere back in your long ago.
:'''Mike [as Deathstalker]''': Look, just shut up.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''' ''[as army]:'' We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]''
:'''Crow''': Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach.
: . . .
:''[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]''
:'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode.
: . . .
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. {{hnote|Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: ''Ore-Ida is all-righta!''}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]''
:'''Mike [as the man]''': [[Chinatown (film)|Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]''
:'''Mike [as a member of the crowd]''': He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over!

=== The Incredible Melting Man ===

:''[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]''
:'''Crow''': Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship."
:'''Mike''': I was born on a pile of... Hey!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[chuckling]'' "Round Guy With Surfboard" International.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the movie's title screen]''
:'''Mike''': The [[w:George Hamilton (actor)|George Hamilton]] Story.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]''
:'''Crow''': Boy, they got to Saturn fast!
:'''Mike''': It's all freeways now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Astronaut''': I.M.U., ready to launch.
:'''Crow''': You are ''not'' me, stop saying that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]''
:'''Loring''': How many weeks is she?
:'''Ted Nelson''': Fourteen.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Loring]''': A little young to be pregnant, isn't she?
:. . .
:''[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]''
:'''Servo [as Loring]''': So when do you think the people who work here are coming back?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]''
:'''General Perry''': How's it looking?
:'''Ted Nelson''': Not too good.
:'''Servo [as Nelson]''': ''[whispering]'' There's a black guy in my office!
:. . .
:''[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]''
:'''General Perry''': About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': 1600 hours? So, like five months from now?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]''
:'''Ted Nelson''': ''AADGKA!''
:'''Servo''': Ah, aadgka, of course.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]''
:'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''[sulkily]'' General wants to go find the ''aadgjka'' melting man.
:'''Ted Nelson''': Steve escaped.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Oh God.
:'''Mike [as Judy]''': Aadgka?
:'''Judy Nelson''': What're you gonna do?
:'''Crow [as Ted]''': Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.{{hnote|Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny.}}
:'''Ted Nelson''': Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something...
:'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[annoyed with herself]'' Aadgka.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too.
:''[She brings over his soup.]''
:'''Mike''': Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors.
:''[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]''
:'''Ted Nelson''': ''[ignoring the question]'' So, we don't have any crackers?
:'''Judy Nelson''': Ted. Steve?
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Raging Bull|Raging Bull]]''.
:'''Ted Nelson''': Steve?
:'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''Steve'' had crackers!
:'''Ted Nelson''': I've got to go out and find Steve.
:'''Judy Nelson''': Why you?
:'''Ted Nelson''': Because nobody else is supposed to know.
:'''Crow [as Ted]''': Rye crisps, Sociables, ''anything?!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]''
:'''Mike''': This man is a brilliant tactician.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]''
:'''Mike''': Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': You guys know, is there a ''credible'' melting man?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]''
:'''Servo''': What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead!
:'''Mike''': Well now the movie has to mop up after itself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[almost cracking up]'' So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]''
:'''Mike''': So, they learned nothing.
:'''Servo''': Yep.
:'''Crow''': Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care.
:'''Servo''': I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket.
:'''Mike''': ''[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning]'' I learned never to name a child "Burr".
:'''Crow''': Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha...
:'''Mike''': Very good.
:'''Crow''': I kill me.
:'''Servo''': Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard.
:'''Mike''': I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make ''very tepid'' ironic statements.
:'''Crow''': We learned it's good to have [[w:Saltines|Saltines]] around your house.
:'''Servo''': I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics.
:''[Mike notices a credit for [[w:Jonathan Demme|Jonathan Demme]] on the screen.]''
:'''Mike''': ''Jonathan Demme?!'' Ah, who cares. Anyway?
:'''Servo''': Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops.
:'''Crow''': And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program.
:'''Servo''': What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You?
:'''Mike''': Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place.
:'''Servo''': Good lesson.
:'''Crow''': Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter.
:'''Servo''': Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby.
:'''Mike''': I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary.
:'''Servo''': Aadgka!
:'''Crow''': I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand.
:'''Servo''': Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days.
:'''Mike''': And neither are actors.
:'''Servo''': Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear.
:''[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]''
:'''Crow''': Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like ''[[w:Berlin Alexanderplatz (television)|Berlin Alexanderplatz]]''.
:'''Servo''': I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that?
:'''Mike''': ''[sitting down]'' Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s.
:'''Crow''': I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful.
:'''Servo''': Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. [[w:Johnny Carson|I did not know that.]]
:'''Mike''': We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything.
:'''Crow''': Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, [[w:Rick Baker (makeup artist)|people]] can ''abuse'' spirit gum and latex.
:'''Mike''': Oh, I hear ya.

=== Escape 2000 ===

:''[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, why is John Madden signing [[w:Samuel Goldwyn|Samuel Goldwyn's]] signature?
:'''Crow''': Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film starts, squads of [[w:Stormtrooper|Stormtrooper]]-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares]
:'''Loudspeaker''': You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
:''[A man is thrown out a window]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Man]''': ''I forgot my luggage...!''
:'''Loudspeaker''': This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully!
:''[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': ''Okay, you convinced me!''
:'''Loudspeaker''': You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations!
:''[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[snickers]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mmm-hmm.
:'''Loudspeaker''': Leave the Bronx!
:'''Servo [as Loudspeaker]''': Even though this is [[w:Cinema of Italy|Italy]], leave the Bronx!
:'''Loudspeaker''': I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx!
:'''Mike [as Loudspeaker]''': You, too, [[w:Henry Silva|Henry Silva]].
:'''Loudspeaker''': The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition!
:'''Crow [as Loudspeaker]''': Therefore, we suggest you—
:'''All [as Loudspeaker]''': Leave the Bronx!
:'''Loudspeaker''': ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable...
:'''Servo''': So leave the Bronx.
:'''Mike''': Just leave the Bronx.
:''[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]''
:'''Servo [as loudspeaker on van]''': Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Loudspeaker''': Isolate area P-6.
:'''Crow''': And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]''
:'''Crow [as Trooper]''': ''[terrified]'' Gary saw a [[w:silverfish|silverfish]]! Aaaahh!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]''
:'''Servo [as Stormtrooper]''': Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]''
:'''Crow [as Disinfester]''': I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's ''left the Bronx'', Ted.
:'''Servo''': Pretty much.
:'''Mike''': We gratefully aknowledge the [[w:Aluminium foil|Reynold's Wrap]] corporation for donating the costumes.
:''[They come across a homeless man]''
:'''Mike [as Bum]''': Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
:''[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
:'''Crow [as Bum]''': I thought it was a suggestion!
:''[The troopers close in on him]''
:'''Servo''': When [[w:Habitat for Humanity International|Habitat for Humanity]] ''cracks down''!
:'''Bum''': Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
:'''Disinfester''': You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
:'''Mike''': Wow, the [[w:Orkin|Orkin Men]] have snapped!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]''
:'''Servo''': They're rehearsing a [[w:David Mamet|David Mamet]] play in there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]''
:'''Crow''': A [[w:Mussolini|fascist Italian]]? Come on!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Moon Grey''': ''[being dragged from a press conference]'' ...and the GC Corporation sucks!
:''[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]''
:'''Mike [as Reporter]''': Is that true? Do you suck?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]''
:'''Crow''': ''[chuckles]'' I think they blew their cover here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]''
:'''Crow [as Trash]''': D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]''
:'''Servo''': Ah. The [[w:Sword of Damocles|ladder of Damocles]].
:'''Crow''': Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''President Clark''': So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash.
:'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. They're both... under... '' [points at random place in Bronx model] ''...there!'' [points somewhere else]'' ...or maybe there!
:'''Servo''': ...right there!
:'''Wrangler''': But somewhere there!
:''[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]''
:'''President Clark''': Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite?
:'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so.
:'''Crow''': You guys didn't rehearse, did you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]''
:'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': Oh what did you step in!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]''
:'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Hi! Kill us!
:''[They get shot.]''
:'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Thank you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Trash blows up a van]''
:'''Mike [as DJ]''': Alright, we're here in the [[w:KROQ|KROQ]] Supervan giving out a— ''[The van explodes. Crow screams.]''
:'''Servo [as Trash]''': Hey, rats. That was my van!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]''
:'''Mike''': Cleanup in Borough Five!

=== Laserblast ===

:''[The credits display: "Laserblast".]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''Terrible'' name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elmer Fudd]''': I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe.
:. . .
:''[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Edward Scissorhands|Edward CDplayerhands]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]''
:'''Mike''': Well, now on to movie ''three!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]''
:'''Servo''': So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]''
:'''Billy''': Pow! Pa-pow!
:'''Servo''': After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow".
:'''Mike''': Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow".
:''[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]''
:'''Servo''': I think he's doing [[w:Frampton Comes Alive!|''Frampton Comes Alive'']].
:'''Mike''': ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz.
:'''Crow''': Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "''fffwissshh''"!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Billy]''': Yeah... I think you ''are'' gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]''
:'''Mike''': ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone.
:'''Servo''': There's a point where it stops being a movie!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kathy''': Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary.
:'''Mike''': ''More'' ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]''
:'''Crow''': Teens love their ''cake'' pool party!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]''
:'''Chuck''': Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give ''you'' his red hot frank.
:'''Girl''': From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot.
:'''Crow [as Chuck]''': She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke!
: . . .
:''[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]''
:'''Mike [as Chuck]''': There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]''
:'''Crow''': This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of ''[[w:Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide|Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide]]''.]
:'''Mike''': OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, ''[[w:My Favorite Year|My Favorite Year]]'' barely edges it out with three stars.
:'''Crow''': Huh.
:'''Servo''': Look here, ''[[w:Hannah and her Sisters|Hannah and her Sisters]]'' is superior only by one star.
:'''Mike''': Oh wow.
:'''Crow''': ''[watching the film]'' Oh great, now a tire fire starts ''just'' off camera!
:''[Tom coughs. Mike turns a page.]''
:'''Mike''': OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to ''[[w:My Dinner With Andre|My Dinner With Andre]]''.
:'''Crow''': Uhh—
:'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' ''[[w:The Name of the Rose (film)|Name of the Rose]]''... this is a better film than ''Name of the Rose!'' It only got two stars!
:'''Crow''': ''[[w:Being There|Being There]]'', two stars.
:'''Mike''': Uh, ''[[w:Lucas Tanner|Lucas Tanner]]'' the movie was directed by [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]]... I just thought I'd point that out.
:'''Servo''': Oh. Good.
:'''Mike''': Lemme see here...
:'''Crow''': ''[reading the credits]'' Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] and [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]] get billing ''over'' [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]]?
:'''Servo''': Look Mike, ''[[w:Birdman of Alcatraz (film)|Birdman of Alcatraz]]'', three stars. ''Marginally'' better than ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': ''[still reading the credits]'' They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong...
:'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' What else you got?
:'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', three stars.
:'''Crow''': Hm?
:'''Servo''': Shame, isn't it.
:'''Mike''': Oh, hey, ''[[w:The Seven Samurai|Seven Samurai]]'', two stars.
:'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' ''What?!''
:'''Mike''': I'm kidding.
:'''Crow''': Oh.
:'''Servo''': I hope so.
:'''Mike''': According to this, ''[[w:A Fish Called Wanda|A Fish Called Wanda]]'' was as good a film as ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': ''[dismissive]'' D'oh...
:'''Servo''': ''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'', ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'', three stars—''barely'' superior to ''Laserblast''.
:'''Mike''': Mm-hm.
:'''Crow''': Same for ''[[w:Diner (film)|Diner]]''.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom|Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]''.
:'''Crow''': Well, ''that's'' possible...
:'''Servo''': And the same caliber as ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Last Crusade]]''—two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': Oh. And, uh, and yet: ''Blame It On the Bellboy''... four stars.
:'''Servo''': ''[unbelieving]'' ''Where?''
:'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' What?
:'''Mike''': No, I'm kidding.
:'''Servo''': Oh, you... You... jeez...
:'''Mike''': So, [[w:Kim Milford|Kim Milford]]'s greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]]'s tortured performance as Salieri in ''[[w:Amadeus (film)|Amadeus]]''.
:'''Crow''': According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
:'''Servo''': ''[[w:Bagdad Café|Bagdad Café]]'', brilliant subtle comedy—no better than ''Laserblast''.
:'''Mike''': Here's where it gets hard—''[[w:Harry and the Hendersons|Harry and the Hendersons]]'' is every bit as good as ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': [[w:Carson McCullers|Carson McCullers]]' classic ''[[w:The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (film)|The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]''—no better than ''Laserblast''.
:''[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[reluctant]'' No, no—
:'''Servo''': Uhp, [[w:John Schlesinger|John Schlesinger]]'s [[w:Academy Award|Oscar]]-winning thriller ''[[w:Marathon Man|Marathon Man]]''—on par with ''Laserblast'', two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': Right, so [[w:Laurence Olivier|Laurence Olivier]]'s chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, ''no better'' than the butt-faced sheriff in ''Laserblast''.
:'''Crow''': Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike.
:'''Mike''': OK, ah—
:'''Servo''': Ah, look here, look here, ''[[w:The Outlaw Josey Wales|Outlaw Josey Wales]]'' AND ''[[w:Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]''! Oscar-winner. ''Quintessential'' Westerns, [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] at his ''finest''. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike.
:'''Mike''': Uh, yeah...
:'''Servo''', '''Mike''': Same as ''Laserblast''—
:'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. ''[[w:Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]''—
:'''Servo''': Uh huh.
:'''Mike''': Uh... here's one, ''[[w:Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]''—
:'''Servo''': No!
:'''Mike''': ''[[w:The Great Santini|The Great Santini]]''—
:'''Servo''': Oh, I can't believe that!
:'''Mike''': ''All'' two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars.
:'''Mike''': The same quality.
:'''Crow''': Also known as "Ace", by the way.
:'''Mike''': Yes, "Ace".
:'''Servo''': ''[as they leave]'' Peers to ''Laserblast''.

== Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie ==

:'''Servo''': Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love? No problems or mishaps today?
:'''Mike''': Nope, everything appears to be nominal.
:'''Servo''': Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So I guess you're not wondering what that rhythmic pounding might be?
:'''Mike''': ''[listens]'' Yeah, what is that?
:'''Servo''': ''Yeah'', what ''is'' that? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I've got to tell you, this isn't normal. Something's ''causing'' this, Mike. Now, let's see... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here....
:'''Mike''': Okay, Tom. Where's Crow?
:'''Servo''': ''Where's Crow?'' Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron heading to the basement with a pickaxe in his hands!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out]''
:'''Crow''': Woah, I didn't expect ''this''!
:'''Servo''': Attaining.... maximum RPM.... adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... stabilize! There, that ought to— ''[gets sucked towards hole]'' AAAAAAAAAAH!!!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Well, this is confusing! Mike, could you hand me my calculations?
:''[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]''
:'''Crow''': Thank you! Huh, would you look at that: "Breach Hull - All Die"! Even had it underlined!
: . . .
:''[Servo lands right-side up on the hole]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether new to me, and frankly... I LOVE IT!
: . . .
:''[Crow explains his unsuccessful attempt to burrow a way out of the Satellite of Love.]''
:'''Crow''': Believe me, Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding against the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid… and I went ahead anyway.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Now, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment... did you... y'know, go?
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[dejected]'' Yes...
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Becuase I don't want to have to stop the movie for... y'know...
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': You won't...
:'''Dr. Forrester''': Then, prepare yourself for ''This Island Earth!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Universal International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth]''
:'''Crow''': It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had!
:'''Mike''': Notice how [[w: Big in Japan (phrase)|big Japan]] is?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Universal International credit appears on screen]''
:'''Mike''': Isn't the fact that it's Universal ''make'' it International?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]''
:'''Servo''': This Island Earth can be yours if [[w: The Price is Right |The Price is Right]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[during the opening credits]''
:'''Crow''': Boy, the universe is really cruisin'!
:'''Servo''': Hey, there's [[w: Taurus (constellation)| Taurus the bull]]!
:'''Mike''': And over there's the Constellation Feces.
:'''Crow''': Oh, look. [[w:Orion Pictures|Orion]] is bankrupt.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': When in California, be sure to visit beautiful...
:''[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]''
:'''Servo''': ...oh.
:'''Crow''': ''[as golf announcer]'' It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital.
:'''Mike''': Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh jeez, there's [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer teams laying all over the place!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor.
:'''Servo''': Early [[w:LSD|LSD]] tests in the Air Force.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe running towards the Jeep]''
:'''Crow''': Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose.
:'''Dr. Meacham''': Lowering the cylinder.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Inserting the breakfast pastry.
:'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ''[darkly]'' The secret government Eggo project.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Contact [[w: Aunt Jemima |Dr. Jemima]]!
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': God, I love the blueberry ones best.
:''[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]''
:'''Dr. Meacham''': Increase the rate of reaction.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Start warming the syrup!
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Yum!
:''[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]''
:'''Dr. Meacham''': Check rate of radioactive decay.
:'''Crow [as Meacham]''': Increase the [[w: Flash Gordon|Flash Gordon]] noises and put more science stuff around.
: . . .
:''[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]''': Oh, my God! My waffle! [[w:Hindenburg disaster#Historic newsreel coverage|Oh, the humanity!]]
:''[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]''
:'''Mike''': Fries are up!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe''': Here's something my wife could use around the house.
:'''Crow''': A man?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Meacham''': This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal.
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': No, sir. That's paper!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the [[w: Interocitor|Interocitor]].]''
:'''Tom Servo''': But before unpacking - [[w: D'oh!|D'OH]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Meacham''': There are 2,486 parts.
:''[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]''
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Uh, 485, sir!
:''[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe''': Where do we start?
:'''Meacham''': Right here. ''[points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': At Goofy Clown Face!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Joe''': You know what my kids would say...
:'''Mike''': ''[interrupting]'' "You're not my real father!"
:'''Joe''': "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!"
:'''Meacham''': Plug it in, Joe.
:'''Mike''': Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': My name is Exeter.
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': ''Doug'' Exeter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': No, farther ''towards'' the killzone, please!
:'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Yeah, God I'm good!
:''[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor]''
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Dear God, I left the iron plugged in!
:''[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up]''
:'''Crow [as Joe]''': Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope!
:''[The Interocetor is now ablaze]''
:'''Servo''': Quick, get the baking soda!
:'''Mike''': Boy, the landlady's going to be mad!
:'''Servo [as landlady]''': ''[imitates knocking noise]'' Are you boys cooking up there?!
:'''Mike''': No!
:'''Servo [as landlady]''': Are you building an Interocetor?!
:'''Mike''': ''[casually]'' No!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham pushes a microphone-like [[w: Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]''
:'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Brack enters the scene]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]]!
:'''Crow''': He goes through a lot of [[w:Brylcreem|Brylcreem]].
:''[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]''
:'''Crow [as Adams]''': Don't mention his head.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': Dr. Meacham! Good morning!
:'''Meacham''': Good morning.
:'''Exeter''': Please, come in. Both of you.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': We're glad you could join us at the [[w:Buddy Ebsen|Buddy Ebsen]] society!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Carlson''': Dr. Adams.
:'''Ruth''': Yes Steve?
:'''Mike [as Carlson]''': What's this [[w:Gilligan's Island|"and the rest"]] crap?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Meacham''': What I want to know is...
:'''Exeter''': ''[interrupting]'' Who we are.... why we're here.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': And why I have a picture of a burger on the wall.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Adams''': Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death.
:'''Exeter''': The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': You fine, foxy lady!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by [[w: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]].]''
:'''Meacham''': What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?
:'''Exeter''': I'm afraid I don't know the gent—
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien!
:'''Exeter''': My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course.
:'''Meacham''': ''Our'' composer? He belongs to the world.
:'''Exeter''': Yes, indeed.
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien.
: . . .
:'''Exeter''': We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow.
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack]''
:'''Carlson''': Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads?
:'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' NO!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Elliot Ness|Ness]] and his men speed towards [[w: Al Capone|Capone's]] hideout!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]''
:'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, [[w:A Flock of Seagulls|A Flock of Seagulls]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]''
:'''Exeter''': Place your hands above the rails.
:''[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]''
:'''Exeter''': They're magnetized.
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': That's enough. Normal view.
:'''Mike, Servo, and Crow''': ''[singing in time with the dramatic music]'' Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': ''[to the Mutant]'' Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK!
:'''Mike''': ACTING!
:'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go...
:''[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Exeter''': RUTH! MEACHAM!
:'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I LOVE YOU!
:'''Meacham''': ''[picks up boulder]'' Stand back, Exeter!
:'''Exeter''': Meacham, please! You have to believe me!
:'''Mike [as Exeter]''': You're holding a Mutant turd!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain]''
:'''Crow [as the Mutant]''': OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Ruth]''': Oh, Carl.
:'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Uh, Cal.
:'''Crow [as Ruth]''': ... oh, Cal.
:'''Ruth''': Home...
:'''Meacham''': Thank God it's still here.
:'''Crow''': [[w: TGIF|And Friday]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000]'' "Puppet Wrangler"? There weren't any puppets in this movie!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, it's the Amazing Rando!
:'''Servo''': Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind!
:'''Crow [as Rando]''': Now, we've never met before, have we?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The name "Julie Walker" appears]''
:'''Crow''': Julie [[w: Walker, Texas Ranger|Walker: Texas Ranger]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Credit for [[w: Eastman Kodak|Eastman Film]].]''
:'''Servo''': Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Credits end with "all rights reserved"]''
:'''Mike''': All rights are reserved, [[w:Dirty Harry|Callahan]]!
:'''Crow [as [[w: Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]]''': Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl?

== Season 8 ==

=== Revenge of the Creature ===

:''[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as [[Planet of the Apes (1968)|George Taylor]]]''': A planet where apes evolved from men?
:'''Professor Bobo''': Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes.
:'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': You did it! You finally did it!
:'''Professor Bobo''': ''[apathetic]'' "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes.
:'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': It's a madhouse! A...
:'''Professor Bobo''': ...madhouse. ''I know!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Gill Man]''': ''[In time with the dramatic music]'' Here I am! I'm the Creature!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Boy, [[w:Esther Williams|Esther Williams]] didn't age well.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]''
:'''Crow''': This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]''
:'''Miss Abbott''': Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miss Abbott]''': And... evolve.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]''
:'''Crow [as a New Yorker]''': Does he got a ''[[w:penis|thing?]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]''
:'''Crow''': Everybody's drifting over to the "World of [[w:barnacles|Barnacles]]" exhibit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]''
:'''Servo''': Jeez, the [[w:Josef Mengele|''Mengele'' Institute for Marine Research!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]''
:'''Police Captain''': Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Police Captain]''': The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law!

=== The Leech Woman ===
:''[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]'':
:'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]].
:'''Mike''': I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns.
:'''Servo''': That means you're a sexual predator.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]''
:'''Malla''': When we are alone, I will speak.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Talbot]''': Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]''
:'''Crow [as Guide]''': Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]''
:'''Crow [as Lion]''': Um... [[The Lion King|hakuna matata]]?
: . . .
:''[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]''
:'''Neil''': Teri... would you marry me?
:''[Teri pulls away.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Neil]''': Uh... uh... I withdraw the question.
:'''Teri''': Oh, Neil — I can't.
:'''Servo [as Teri]''': Starfleet forbids it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During one of the many "African" scenes.]''
:'''Mike''': Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]''
:'''Crow''': This guy's gonna die of nonchalance.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': This is like a murderous episode of ''[[w:The Lucy Show|Lucy]]''.

=== The Mole People ===
:''[The film begins with an introduction from Professor [[w:Frank C. Baxter|Frank C. Baxter]] of the [[w:University of Southern California|University of Southern California]].]''
:'''Baxter''': This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable.
:'''Mike''': It's a fabulous funny freak-out.
:'''Baxter''': But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over...
:'''Crow''': You'll feel dirty.
:'''Baxter''': You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told.
:'''Servo''': It's a story botched.
:'''Baxter''': It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye.
:'''Mike''': Peanut nostrils happy clams.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]''
:'''Bentley''': We'll make camp here!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot (MST3K)|Crow T. Robot]]''': Then we'll dig our graves over there!

=== The Deadly Mantis ===

:'''Narrator''': For every action...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': There is a [[w:Action_Jackson|Jackson]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]''
:'''Narrator''': Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Canada, our mortal enemy.
:'''Narrator''': ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]''
:'''Crow''': You know what? Screw you Greenland!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A volcano erupts.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Menard's Guy]''': It's a magma flow of savings at [[w:Menard's|Menard's]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]''
:'''Crow''': Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with [[w:premature ejaculation|dishonorable discharge]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]''
:'''General Ford''': I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines...
:'''Crow [as Ford]''': I'm not gay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Parkman]''': But I've got a mantis in my pantis.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy?

=== The Thing That Couldn't Die ===

:''[The movie opens with the title: ''The Thing That Couldn't Die''.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]] Story!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''Couldn't'' die or ''wouldn't'' die?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Shouldn't?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]''
:'''Jessica''': You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest.
:'''Servo''': A trade rat?
:'''Jessica''': Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin.
:'''Servo [as Jessica]''': …in Maine.
:'''Mike''': You know, the country needs skilled trade rats.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]''
:'''Mike [as Linda]''': The rats put in a new crystal!
:'''Linda''': It still runs.
:'''Servo [as [[w:John Cameron Swayze|John Cameron Swayze]]]''': John Cameron Trade-Rat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]''
:'''Gordon''': Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest.
:'''Mike [as Gordon]''': He had a little tool and die shop down there.
:'''Servo [as Gordon]''': I think I got most of the rat droppings off it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]''
:'''Flavia''': What's that?
:'''Crow''': Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Oklahoma (musical)|There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]''
:'''Crow''': The whole movie was leading up to ''this'' shot.
:'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Brought to you by the Breast Council.
:'''Servo [as Announcer]''': Buy breasts where you work or bank!

=== The Undead ===

:''[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
:''[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Satan, the Prince of Cabaret.
: . . .
:'''Mike''': This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]''
:'''Quintus''': We breathe as one. We are one.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Franklin]''': You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.
:'''Quintus''': When I touch you…
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Quintus]''': [[w:I Touch Myself|I think about myself]]. No, no, no, wait.
:'''Quintus''': …we will be one.
:'''Servo [as Quintus]''': We'll be me, for convenience' sake.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]''
:'''Servo''': Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike.
:'''Mike''': ''[cringing]'' Ohh. Damn you, Servo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]''
:'''Servo [as Knight]''': Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]''
:'''Satan''': Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road…
:'''Crow [as Satan]''': Route 666!
:'''Satan''': …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind.
:'''Mike [as Satan]''': …to sleeping audience.
: . . .
:'''Satan''': Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"]'' O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]''
:'''Mike [as Knight]''': ''[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue]'' Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': I've never known more about what ''isn't'' going on in a movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Quintus''': STAAY!!

=== Terror from the Year 5000 ===
:''{Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin]'':
:'''Scientist 1''': Now ''there's'' an interesting sample!
:'''Crow''': Now ''there's'' an interesting line read!
:'''Scientist 1''': What is it?
:'''Scientist 2''': Don't know yet.
:'''Servo''': Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Claire''': I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown.
:'''Dr. Hedges''': I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! {{hnote|A line from the song ''One Night in Bangkok'', from the musical Chess.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]''
:'''Mike [as Hedges]''': Now what's going on?
:'''Servo [as Hedges]''': Who's that other guy?
:'''Crow [as Hedges]''': Where are we going?
:'''Mike [as Hedges]''': What is this fluid under my feet?
:'''Servo [as Hedges]''': What happened to the day-ball?
:'''Crow''': Let's chip in and buy this movie a life.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! They whacked [[w:Toonces|Toonces]]!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, he killed a [[w:mafia|made]] canary, so they had to do 'im.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Dr. Erling''': Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hedges]''': Genocide?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hedges]''': Slavery?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': Diseased blanket spreading?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]''
:'''Hedges''': Is there a good movie in town?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[snorts]'' Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh heh heh!
:''[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]''
:'''Mike, Crow''': Oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Victor/Joe Buck]''': [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.]]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please! That's a hideous thought.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in ''[[w:The_Age_of_Innocence_(film)|The Age of Innocence]]''!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Or was it ''[[w:Sense_and_sensibility_(film)|Sense and Sensibility]]''?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I think it was ''[[w:Barfly_(film)|Barfly]]''.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, that's it.

=== The She-Creature ===

:''[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]''
:'''Barker Johnny''': I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So she's a carnival ''preceder''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]''
:'''Erickson''': Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee.
:'''Andrea''': I'd like that.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Erickson]''': Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Erickson/Fuller]''': My first question: will I get the part in ''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|This Island Earth]]''?
:'''Erickson''': What year is it, Andrea?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Elizabeth]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Year of the Cat (song)|The year of the cat]].
:'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': 1618, the Year of Our Lord.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elizabeth/[[My Fair Lady|Eliza Doolittle]]]''': In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire.
:'''Erickson''': Who is the reigning monarch?
:'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': [[w:James I of England|James]] [[w:James Stewart (actor)|Stuart]].
:'''Mike [as [[w:It's a Wonderful Life|George Bailey]]]''': Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]''
:'''Lombardi''': There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor?
:'''Erickson''': No.
:'''Lombardi''': He did what I told him without a single word.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': That's because he's a ''dog''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[gasps]'' Donald Duck has the [[w:One Ring|Ring of Power]]!
:...
:'''Crow''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] goes snorkling!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card."

=== I Was a Teenage Werewolf ===

:''[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing to the ''Bonanza'' theme]'' We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And the 35-year-old high school students look on.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Tony]''': But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, [[w:Bonanza#Theme song|Bonanza]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Frank]''': ''[muttering]'' "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I ''thinking''? It's like 47 miles!
:'''Crow [as Frank]''': I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of.
: . . .
:'''Servo''': ''I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]''
:'''Mike [as Arlene]''': ...and I like you ''because''...?
:'''Tony''': I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this.
:'''Crow [as Arlene]''': Because you're a jerk?
<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a ''high school!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]''
:'''Crow''': Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine!
: . . .
:''[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Judy Garland|Judy Garland]] runs out of pills.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob.
:'''Mike''': I thought the night belonged to love.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob.

=== The Giant Spider Invasion ===

:''[First lines of the movie]''
:'''Man''': Sheriff!
:'''Sheriff [Played by [[w:Alan Hale, Jr.|Alan Hale, Jr.]]]''': [[w:Gilligan's Island|Hey, little buddy!]]
:''[Mike and the 'bots cheer]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]''
:'''Olga''': Wait, you forgot your back brace.
:''[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Ugh, he's pink!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[cheering]'' Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]''
:'''Servo [as Dan]''': Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala!
:. . .
:'''Dan''': What the [expletive deleted] hell was that?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Dan]''': Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo, Mike, or Crow[As various people in the mob]''': [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]''
:'''Crow''': Like a Rock! {{hnote|This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]''
:'''Servo''': Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball.
:. . .
:''[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]''
:'''Mike''': And the movie ''ramps'' up the revulsion!
:'''Crow''': This movie hates us, doesn't it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]''
:'''Ev''': Diamonds are supposed to cut glass.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy!
:'''Dan''': ''[walks toward window]''
:'''Servo''': Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape!
:''[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]''
:'''Crow [as Dan]''': [[w:Aryan Nation|...Aryan...Nation]]...rules...
:'''Dan''': ''[excited]'' Will you look at that!?
:'''Mike [as Dan]''': ''[excited]'' I made a [sic] "R"!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]''
:'''Ev''': You look like you could use a drink.
:'''Servo [as Ev]''': And a shower, and a job.
:'''Dan''': I found another body...
:'''Mike [as Ev]''': Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]''
:'''Mike''': I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]''
:'''Mike [as Spiders]''': We're your dirty socks! Wash us!
:'''Crow''': Giant ''Puppet'' Invasion!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]''
:'''Servo [as Spider]''': Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]
:'''Crow [as a mob member]''': Free [[w:Bobby Seale|Bobby Seale!]]
:'''Servo [as a mob member]''': [[w:Free Mumia|Free Mumia!]]
:'''Mike [as a mob member]''': Free beer!

=== Parts: The Clonus Horror ===

:''[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]''
:'''Crow''': Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]''
:'''Mike''': Hooray for the '70s!
:'''Crow''': [[w:Shaun Cassidy|Shaun Cassidy]] for President!
:'''Servo''': We want [[w:Billy Beer|Billy Beer]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']''
:'''Crow''': Apparently [[w:e. e. cummings|e. e. cummings]] wrote it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Dick Sargent|Dick Sargent]]. Didn't he play [[w:Dick York|Dick York]] on ''[[w:Bewitched|Bewitched]]''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Guide]''': This is not ''sanctioned'', gentlemen. You are doing this on your own…

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]''
:'''Lena''': I like it. It gives me time to write.
:'''Richard''': Write?
:'''Lena''': Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas.
:'''Crow [as Lena]''': I've already filled a [[w:Post-it note|Post-it note]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]''
:'''Crow:''' Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]''
:'''Mike [as Richard/[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|Winston Smith]]]''': Whaddya know — we ''aren't'' at war with Eurasia!
: . . .
:''[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes!
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Richard]''': Black helicopter… [[w:Roswell UFO Incident|Roswell]]… [[w:Area 51|Area 51]]… [[w:Waco Siege|Waco]]… [[w:Coca-Cola formula|formula for Coca-Cola]]…

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jake''': This place you keep talking about, Clonus...
:'''Servo [as Jake]''': Is there a bar?
:. . .
:'''Jake''': Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything?
:'''Crow [as Jake]''': Speaking of, where's the bathroom?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]''
:'''Rick''': You knew about the tape, didn't you?
:'''Jeff''': Yeah. You saw the tape?
:'''Rick''': Yeah, and it's scary.
:'''Crow [as Rick]''': [[w:Adam Sandler|Adam Sandler]]'s in it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]''
:'''Servo [as [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]]''': "[[w:James Arness|James Arness]]: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on [[w:Biography (TV series)|Biography]].

=== The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies ===

:''[As the show opens, the Bots are doing [[w:Walkathon|walkathons]].]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, what about you, Servo?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development".
:'''Mike''': Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group.
:'''Servo''': No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the ''acronym'', Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]''
:'''Mike''': The shroud of [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]].
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Face is the result of slash and burn shaving.
:'''Mike [as zombie]''': You'd tell me if my face was disintergrating, right?
:'''Servo''': He's turning into a brisket.
:'''Crow''': It's a portrait of [[w:Bob Dole|Bob Dole]]'s inner child.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': [[Tom Petty]] in the morning.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee.
:''[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]''
:'''Mike''': Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the music in the opening credits]''
:'''Crow''': The organ has emphysema.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing to the "[[w:Libby's|Libby's]], Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle]'' If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it...
:'''Mike''': The music's gonna break into "[[w:Chest Fever|Chest Fever]]" any minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]''
:'''Jerry''': The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... ''depressed''.
:'''Mike''': ''[[w:Highlights for Children#Goofus & Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]'', the movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jerry''': How's college?
:'''Madison''': Fine. You should try it some time.
:'''Jerry''': No thanks. The world's my college.
:'''Crow''': He's taking it pass-fail.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "[[w:Silent Night|Silent Night]]"-like tune.]''
:'''Mike''': Hair-trigger precision. They're like the [[w:Blue Angels|Blue Angels]] of dancing.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, one wrong move and they all ''crash''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The singer and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]''
:'''Mike [as Singer]''': First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your…
:'''Mike, Crow [as Chorus]''': [[w:Schick (razors)|Schick]] out of shape!
:'''Servo''': Now, everybody—shave!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]''
:'''Servo''': [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own ''gravy''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]''
:'''Jerry''': Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me.
:'''Harold''': Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know?
:'''Jerry''': ''[shocked]'' ''Job''?
:'''Servo [as Jerry]''': I'm a respected neurosurgeon!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After seeing who played Madison]''
:'''Mike''': Madison is, Madison.

=== Jack Frost ===
:''[Title card is shown.]''
:'''Servo''':[[w:Jack Sprat|...could eat no...frost.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]''
:'''Mike''': So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]''
:'''Crow''': Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Russian names are on the screen.]''
:'''Mike''': These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]''
:'''Nastenka''': Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Sun]''': And you are…?
:'''Nastenka''': Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Sun]''': ''[beeps]'' This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume…
:''[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's ''fine''; you knit your ''sock''.
: . . .
:'''Nastenka''': Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn!
:'''Mike [as Mafia don]''': Some day you'll return the favor...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This is a test of the [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|Emergency Broadcast Chicken]].
:'''Servo''': Man, [[w:Saint Peter#Denial of Jesus|Peter]] must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] gets drunk and screws with his neighbors.
: . . .
:'''Crow''': If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]''
:'''Crow''': The [[w:KGB|KGB]] has her under surveillance!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]''
:'''Servo''': Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in [[w:Narnia|Narnia]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a [[w:Matryoshka doll|Matryoshka doll]].]''
:'''Stepmother''': Nope! Not a princess.
:'''Servo''': She's got that healthy clown glow.
:'''Marfushka''': Oh, no?
:'''Stepmother''': You are a ''queen''!
:'''Mike''': In that you look like [[w:Freddie Mercury|Freddie Mercury]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Hunchback Fairy has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]''
:'''Ivan''': Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry!
:'''Fairy''': Are you afraid?
:'''Ivan''': Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel!
:'''Mike [as Ivan]''': ...the flat part, anyway.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]''
:'''Frost's Voice''': Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]''
:'''Random Unknown Voice''': Look who's here!
:'''Servo''': Thank you, Anonymous Voice!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]''
:'''Crow''': It's a three-pig open sleigh!
:'''Servo''': On [[w:Charlotte's Web|Wilbur]]! On [[w:Gordy|Gordy]]! On [[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:"It's" man|It's…]]
:'''Mike''': It's…
:'''Crow''': It's… a convention of [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]] imitators!
: . . .
:'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Seven Dwarves]]! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]''
:'''Hunchback Fairy''': My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it!
:'''Crow''': Well, maybe you should have diversified more!

=== Riding with Death ===

:''[In the middle of a war, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]''
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': ''(panting)'' Oh, great! Just what I need!
:'''Bobo''': Medic! Medic!
:'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': ''[enters wearing nurse's outfit]'' Here I am!
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal?
:'''Observer''': My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aide. ''(begins attending to Forrester's wound)''
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': ...what's that smell?!
:'''Observer''': Oh! Mustard gas!
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': Mustard Gas! Get the masks!
:'''Bobo''': Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch.
:'''Observer''': Good god, ape...
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': That's it, we're pulling out!
:''[Clanking sound is heard]''
:'''Observer''': Hand grenade!
:'''Bobo''': Grenade! I'll save you! ''[throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]''
:'''Mrs. Forrester''': Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast!
:'''Observer''': ''[looks up]'' It's a good thing I don't have a body... ''[flops back down]''
:''[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Tom Servo watch on]''
:'''Mike Nelson''': Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda...
:'''Crow''': I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or—
:'''Mike''': ''[ignoring Crow]'' ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that...
:'''Tom Servo''': D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike.
:'''Crow''': Just a little too much.
:''[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]''
:'''Mike''': And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired...
:'''Crow''': Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda—
:'''Mike''': ''[again ignoring Crow]''It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that...
:'''Tom Servo''': So! Bombs away, Mike!
:'''Crow''': Okay, Mike! Bombs away!
:'''Mike''': Oh! Right... ''[Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Tom Servo cheer]''
:'''Crow''': Bombs away, Mike!
:'''Tom Servo''': Bombs away! ''[to Crow]'' Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper.
:'''Crow''': Is that so?
:''[Mike reenters without the bomb]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee...
:'''Mike''': There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction...
:'''Crow''': A little distraction!
:''[Mike and the bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[gets back up]'' Okay...few things, Mike. First, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now?
:'''Tom Servo''': Think so...
:'''Crow''': Second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]''
:'''Mike''': Universal, except for you, [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]].
:'''Crow''': You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great.
:'''Servo''': Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the title appears]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, the [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] story.
:'''Crow''': And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the opening credits]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Is there such a thing as ''starring'' Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is ''pointed'' at Ben Murphy?
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Starring rejects from Harry-O.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': If [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] isn't in this, it'll be very wrong.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]], come on! Please, please, please, please!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Denis Franz's hairy butt cheeks?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Ah, that gooey [[w:Los Angeles|LA]] sky.
:'''Mike''': Birds? Nope. All dead.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]''
:'''Mike''': The world's most difficult math test.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A character is spending the scene fiddling with his glasses]''
:'''Crow''': Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]''
:'''Servo [as Mechanic]''': ''[evilly]'' They don't call me ''"Karl"'' for nothing.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]''
:'''Sam''': Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67.
:'''Crow''': "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex.
:'''Mike [as Sam]''': Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now.
:'''Servo [as Sam]''': My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door.
:'''Crow [as Sam]''': My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours—
:'''Mike, Servo''': Ugh— Crow!
: . . .
:''[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]''
:'''Mike [as Sam]''': Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now.
:'''Crow''': You said ''I'' was bad.
:'''Mike''': You inspired me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]''
:'''Crow [as Buffalo Bill]''': ''[[w:The Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard]]'' got renewed!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]''
:'''Mike [as Denby]''': Cupcake! Get [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie the Kid]] and [[w:Hostess|Fruitpie the Magician]]!

=== Agent for H.A.R.M. ===

:''[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hirsute [[w:astronauts|Astronauts]] Revile [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heuristic Analog Rental Meat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Adam]''': Solid [[w:Balsa|balsawood]], baby!
: . . .
:''[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]''
:'''Adam''': This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the [[w:judo|judo]] range.
:'''Mike''': The judo ''range''?
: . . .
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Adam]''': Meet me at the [[w:karate|karate]] [[w:rink|rink]] later.
: . . .
:''[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]''
:'''Adam''': Judo range!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Adam]''': Then go practice your [[w:Skeet shooting|skeet]] [[w:kendo|kendo]] and bring your [[w:aikido|aikido]] [[w:rifle|rifle]], too.
:'''Mike [as Student]''': Gotta get into my judo [[w:bikini|bikini]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Adam''': You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz?
:'''Crow''': And hula hoops and dungarees?
:'''Adam''': Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!
:'''Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]''': I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]''
:'''Crow''': Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
:'''Mike''': Because Bobo is such... HEY!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]''
:'''Ava ''': Are you coming, or do I swim alone?
:'''Crow [as Adam]''': Yes, and yes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]''
:'''Crow''': This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % ''[bleep]''ing not guilty. And if you ''[bleep]''s don't ''[bleep]'' find him innocent, then you can just ''[bleep]''ing kiss my fat ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. And that ''[bleep]''ing goes for your bull''[bleep]'' court system, too! Mike, I'm so ''[bleep]''ing sorry I couldn't ''[bleep]''ing be there for this ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''y really bogus trial, man. But let me ''[bleep]'' tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd ''[bleep]''ing kick everyone's fat stupid ''[bleep]''ing behinds and then cram it up their ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this ''[bleep]'' helps. Take care, Mike.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]''
:'''Mike''': Here's the wind up....
:''[Adam smiles smugly to himself]''
:'''Mike''': ...and ''there's'' the smarm!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom''': He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]''
:'''Mike [as Adam]''': Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger!
:'''Tom''': Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you!

=== Prince of Space ===

:''[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Prince (musician)|I'm in space already! Damn!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]''
:'''Mother''': The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...the dining room?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]''
:'''Spaceship''': Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Crank whore?
:'''Spaceship''': Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV Advert. announcer]''': Veterans cannot be turned down!
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Mickey]''': That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it ''very much''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]''
:'''Crow [as Headline]''': Krankor: Nothing to Worry About.
:'''Mike [as Headline]''': [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]] Sent to Fight Krankor.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]''
:'''Crow [as periscope]''': I am the lemon zester of destruction!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': A rare Godzilla-free day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We hear a barking dog running past]''
:'''Tom [As dog, with Japanese accent]''': Rufforu! Bow-a-wow!
:''[A police car drives past in the same direction]''
:'''Mike''': ''After that dog!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]''
:'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.
:. . .
:''[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]''
:'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': An exchange of deadly [[w:Negative (photography)|negative]] scratches!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]''
:'''Phantom''': Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— ''[movie skip]'' —ren!
:'''Mike''': "Kill some ''diffren''"?
:'''Servo''': "Diffren"?
:'''Prince''': I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone!
:'''Crow''': You hear that, [[w:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]''
:'''CO''': Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please.
:'''Mike [as CO]''': I understand you're [[w:Manicotti|stuffed with cheese]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.]
:'''Mike [as Prince of Space]''': Swing me over there, trusty string!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]''
:'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Set whole fryers to stun!
:'''Mike''': The upper half of a [[w:Edward Hopper|Hopper]] painting.
:'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Oh! A giant roast chicken!
:'''Crow [as Citizen]''': It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside!
:'''Mike [as Citizen]''': It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run!
:'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Ohhhhh!
:'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Potatoes or stuffing?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]''
:'''Phantom''': What a fool!
:'''Servo [as Phantom]''': He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': ''[on the Prince of Space]'' His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Wally''': Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen!
:'''Mike [as Wally]''': [[w:Tannin|Get out of my wine!]]

=== Horror of Party Beach ===

:''[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]''
:'''Servo''': A-hehehehe! [[w:Wipe Out (instrumental)|Horror!]]
:'''Crow''': Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a driving scene]''
:'''Mike''': Nude driving: a new fad among the teens.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]''
:'''Mike''': What is "additional dialogue", anyway?
:'''Crow''': Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?"

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Sturgis: a city on the move!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own *head* with drawn butter.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Men should ''not'' have bikini areas!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: dancing should not be allowed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': MY SKULL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]''
:'''Crow''': Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag.
:'''Servo''': So, radiation has a sense of humor!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]''': ''[singing to "[[w:Chances Are (song)|Chances Are]]"]''
:: Chances are
:: That I'll kick your scrawny ass...
:. . .
:''[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]''
:'''Mike [as Gang Leader]''': You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The monsters attack an all-girl [[w:Sleepover|slumber party]]]''
:'''Mike''': [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel ''compelled'' to raid.
:'''Servo''': Every male of ''any'' species has the biological urge to [[w:Panty raid|panty-raid]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look [[w:nail polish|Polish]]"]''
:'''Mike''': Wait— "Look [[w:Poles|Polish]]?"
:'''Servo''': Huh?
:'''Mike''': It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—''see?'' It says "Look Polish"!
:'''Servo''': "Look Polish"!
:'''Crow''': Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]''
:'''Elaine''': ''[whispering]'' I hear something.
:'''Servo [as Elaine]''': ''[whispering]'' He's coming! Look Polish, everyone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom''': What are we looking at and why are we looking at it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The time of day has been changing]''
:'''Tom''': Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... .

=== Devil Doll ===

:''[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited".
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free.
:''[Later in the same shot]''
:'''Crow''': Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co....

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a [[w:Rotary dial|rotary phone]]]''
:'''Servo''': So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]''
:'''The Great Vorelli''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger...
:'''Servo [as the Great Vorelli]''': Then I'll be right back.
:'''The Great Vorelli''': That he may die at any moment.
:''[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]''
:'''Crow [as the Great Vorelli]''': Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo whines about wine]''
:'''Hugo''': I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hugo]''': [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]''
:'''Crow [as Hugo]''': You think ''he'' likes ham? Wait 'til you see ''me'' like ham!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]''
:'''Mercedes''': He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and...looked at the ceiling. Then...he died. He died.
:'''Mike [as Mark]''': Did he live?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]''
:'''The Great Vorelli''': Hugo...
:'''Mike [as the Great Vorelli]''': Have you been shaving your legs with this again?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]''
:'''Mike [as Hugo]''': Please cover my cage...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mark English (played by [[w:William Sylvester|William Sylvester]]) is sleeping]''
:'''Servo''': You know, [[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] saw this scene and said "We found our [[w:Heywood Floyd|Heywood Floyd]]!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]''
:'''Hugo''': [[w:Dog Day Afternoon|Attica! Attica!]]

=== [[w:Invasion of the Neptune Men|Invasion of the Neptune Men]] ===

:''[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]''
:'''Tibana''': So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The "Roji-Panty Complex"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]''': HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]''
:'''Servo''': That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor.
:. . .
:''[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]''
:'''Crow [as Space Chief]''': Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Neptune Men approach Earth]''
:'''Mike''': Shoot at Earth all you want, just ''get [[w:Bill Maher|Bill Maher]]''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]''
:'''Servo [as the Japanese]''': Oh, let's call our friends [[w:Korea under Japanese rule|the Koreans]]! Oh, oh no—[[w:Russo-Japanese War|the Russians]]! Well, no. [[w:Nanking Massacre|The Chinese]]! Oh, well, I guess not.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]''
:'''Mike''': I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly ''[[w:Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]'' seems a richly-nuanced movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]''
:'''Crow''': So whatever happened to Space Chef?
:'''Mike''': That's "Chief."
:'''Crow''': ''Chief'' Chef?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Y'know, Space Chief should try going into ''space'' sometime!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief.
:'''Mike''': Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of [[w:Adolph Hitler|Hitler]] being blown up]''
:'''Crow''': ''[royally confused]'' What the...?
:'''Servo''': They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia?
:'''Crow''': All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers!
:'''Mike''': The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of...
:'''Crow''': [[w:Planet_of_the_Apes_%281968_film%29|They blew it up!]]
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where ''you'' grew up?
:'''Mike''': Not, uh...no. No.
:'''Crow''': Sure?
:'''Mike''': ...Yeah.
:. . .
:''[Another spaceship begins to dive]
:'''Crow''': What next? The [[w:Mussolini|Mussolini]] Mall?
:'''Servo''': Yeah! Followed by the [[w:Pinochet|Pinochet]] Petting Zoo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]''
:'''Crow''': So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about [[w:Stock footage|stock footage]] that would get us through this?
:'''Servo''': Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... ''[thundering]'' '''''EAT IT, MOVIE!'''''
:'''Crow''': Whoa! Whoa!
:'''Servo''': ''[still ranting]'' '''TAKE THIS ''STUPID'' LITTLE ''COCKROACH'' OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP ''SOOOOO'' TIGHT, AND THEN ''RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR''—''' ''[begins sobbing]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a radar screen, as the scientists count down]''
:'''Scientist''': Ten, nine, eight...
:'''Crow''': Yeah, yeah, right—one.
:'''Scientist''': Seven, six...
:'''Crow''': One!
:'''Scientist''': Five, four...
:'''Crow''': ONE!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]''
:'''Servo''': Space Chief's off having a couple [[w:Sapporo Brewery|Sapporos]] with [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Godzilla_vs._Megalon|Jet Jaguar]] and [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Prince_of_Space|Prince of Space]].

=== [[w:Space Mutiny|Space Mutiny]] ===

:''[repeated line]''
:'''Servo (as various characters)''': Did you sign Sherry's card?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]''
:'''Crow''': It lists [[w:Hitler|Hitler]] as a "fairly stable veteran of [[w:World War I|the Great War]]."
:'''Mike''': Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine.
:'''Servo''': Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory."
:'''Crow''': Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff?
:'''Mike''': Well, I used them when I was a kid. ''[Blows dust off a volume]'' They seemed fine then.
:'''Crow''': The periodic table has ''three'' elements in it, Mike!
:'''Servo''': There's a volume for the letter ''epsilon.''
:'''Crow''': There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu.
:'''Servo''': It's got a picture of Stonehenge!
:'''Mike''': So?
:'''Servo''': Under construction?!
:'''Mike''': So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set.
:'''Servo''': Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]''
:'''Mike''': Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "[[w:Battlestar Galactica|Battlestar Galactica]]"]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Special effects by [[w:Industrial Light and Magic|Industrial Light and Morons]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lea]''': My ''Buns of Steel'' videos are in there!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]''
:'''Servo [as Jansen]''': But what of the little children and their toys?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Capt. Devers''': Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships.
:'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I agree.
:'''Mike [as Jensen]''': I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]''
:'''Mike [as Kalgan]''': Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]''
:'''MacPhearson''': Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement.
:'''Mike''': I disagree!
:'''MacPhearson''': Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the ''Southern Sun''.
:'''Chief Engineer''': Then let him do so alone.
:'''Engineer Parsons''': This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report.
:'''Crow [as Parsons]''': I just have to wet myself first.
:'''MacPhearson''': Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future?
:'''Chief Engineer''': We'll not allow that! No!
:'''Servo''': The easily led wise council.
:''[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]''
:'''Engineer Parsons''': Let me go, traitors!
:'''Mike [as Parsons]''': What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww!
:'''Crow''': Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it!
:'''Servo''': Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them.
:'''Crow''': Death by snicker-snag!
:''[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick]
:'''Mike''': I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs!
:'''Servo [as MacPhearson]''': Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party."
:'''MacPhearson''': Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason?
:'''Mike''': I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir!
:'''MacPhearson''': Report to the enforcers' bridge.
:'''Servo''': Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]''
:'''Ryder''': Listen, lady!
:'''Lea''': Doctor!
:'''Ryder''': ''Doctor''.
:'''Crow''': ''Doctor'' Lady!
:. . .
:'''Ryder''': I had to eject! I had no other choice!
:'''Servo [as Lea]''': That's ''Doctor'' I Had No Other Choice!
:. . .
:''[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]''
:'''Ryder''': Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel.
:'''Mike''': It's ''Doctor'' Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, no, the death of [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]]!
:'''Servo''': [[w:Jessie's Girl|I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Herve Villechaize|Herve Villechaize]]'s Death Car.
:'''Mike''': Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy!
:'''Crow [as Ryder]''': Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of ''three''!
:'''Kalgan''': [laughs evilly]
:'''Servo [as Ryder]''': Hit the siren! [plays upbeat tempo circus music]
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Kalgan]''': We need both horsepowers on this thing!
: . . .
:''[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]''
:'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The [[w:Sting|Sting]]-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]''
:'''Servo [as Devers]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da|De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...]]
:''[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, wait, she's dead!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, she's dead!
:'''Mike''': She died!
:''[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]''
:'''Capt. Devers''': Commander Jansen?
:'''Crow [as Devers]''': I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance.
: . . .
:''[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]''
:'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation.
:'''Capt. Devers''': Helveca?
:'''Mike [as Devers]''': Oh, I love [[w:Helvetica|that font]]!
: . . .
:'''Cmdr. Jansen''': It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret.
:'''Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]''': Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret.
: . . .
:''[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]''
:'''Mike [as Devers]''': 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]''
:'''Crow [as MacPhearson]''': [[w:Richard III (play)|A horse! My kingdom for a horse!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Captain Devers''': ''[referring to another character]'' Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally.
:'''Commander Jansen''': Alright.
:'''Crow [as Jansen]''': Fetch me my warrior muumuu.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dave Ryder shakes hands with Lea's father, Cmdr. Jansen]''
:'''Mike''': We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan.]''
:'''Mike''': There goes a big, brave brick of meat.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Bullfight|Toro! Toro!]] These cars are made by [[w:Toro (company)|Toro!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur?
:'''Servo''': Oh?
:'''Mike''': Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked."

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]''
:'''Servo''': Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, ''white'' thing?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]''
:'''Servo''': Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this '''''FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!'''''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kalgan''': I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that.
:'''Servo [as Kalgan]''': You're too stupid to know anything about dental history.
:'''Lea''': You bastard!
:'''Mike [as Lea]''': How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]''
:'''Crow''': Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be ''the future!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]''
:'''Servo''': They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Throughout the film, Mike and the bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]''
:'''Crow''': Slab Bulkhead!
:'''Servo''': Fridge Largemeat!
:'''Mike''': Punt Speedchunk!
:'''Crow''': Butch Deadlift!
:'''Crow''': Bold Bigflank!
:'''Mike''': Splint Chesthair!
:'''Mike''': Flint Ironstag!
:'''Crow''': Bolt Vanderhuge!
:'''Mike''': Thick McRunfast!
:'''Mike''': Blast Hardcheese!
:'''Crow''': Buff Drinklots!
:'''Servo''': Trunk Slamchest!
:'''Crow''': Fist Rockbone!
:'''Mike''': Stump Beefknob!
:'''Servo''': Smash Lampjaw!
:'''Crow''': Punch Rockgroin!
:'''Mike''': Buck Plankchest!
:'''Crow''': Stump Chunkmen!
:'''Servo''': Dirk Hardpec!
:'''Mike''': Rip Steakface!
:'''Crow''': Slate Slabrock!
:'''Servo''': Crud Bonemeal!
:'''Mike''': Brick HardMeat!
:'''Crow''': Rip Slagcheek!
:'''Servo''': Punch Sideiron!
:'''Mike''': Gristle McThornbody!
:'''Crow''': Slate Fistcrunch!
:'''Mike''': Buff Hardback!
:'''Servo''': Bob Johnson! Oh, wait...
:'''Servo''': Blast Thickneck!
:'''Crow''': Crunch Buttsteak!
:'''Mike''': Slab Squatthrust!
:'''Servo''': Lump Beefbroth!
:'''Crow''': Touch Rustrod!
:'''Mike''': Reef Blastbody!
:'''Mike''': Big McLargeHuge!
:'''Mike''': Smoke ManMuscle!
:'''Servo''': Eat Punchbeef!
:'''Mike''': Hack Blowfist!
:'''Mike''': Roll Fizzlebeef!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]''
:'''Servo''': Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going?
:'''Crow''': Yeah Mike, this is your music done by ''your'' people, so I blame you for this entire movie.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike!
:'''Mike''': Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for?
:'''Crow''': Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it.
:'''Mike''': Uhhh...
:''[The music slows down to a power ballad style]''
:'''Crow''': Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins.
:'''Servo''': Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a ''second,'' but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted.
:'''Servo''': And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but ''no,'' Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger!
:'''Crow''': Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band!
:'''Servo''': You're pathetic.
:'''Crow''': You and your '80s!
:'''Servo''': Your ''precious'' '80s!
:'''Crow''': You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you!
:'''Servo''': Yeah!
:'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it, that tears it!
:''[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]''
:'''Crow''': You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man!
:'''Servo''': Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't!
:''[After a while Mike sits up]''
:'''Mike''': Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man.
:''[Pause of a second]''
:'''Servo''': Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him!
:'''Crow''': No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! ''[sobbing]''
:'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either!
:'''Mike''': No no, actually they did end Tom, there there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over.
:'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Mike!
:'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' Sorry, Mike!
:'''Mike''': It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too.

=== [[w:Time Chasers|Time Chasers]] ===

:''[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]''
:'''Servo [as dog]''': ''[talking like [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]]'' Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
:'''Crow''': He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
:'''Mike''': ''[groaning]'' Oh, Crow. So early, too.
:''[The logo fades out]''
:'''Servo''': ''[still talking like Scooby-Doo]'' Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents—
:'''Mike''': Okay, stop.
:'''Crow''': Cut it out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]''
:'''Crow''': This is like NFL graphics here.
:'''Mike''': ''[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]''
:'''Nick''': Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a ''genius''!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': A crop-dusting ''genius''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]''
:'''Crow''': This... is not our star, is it? I will ''not'' accept this as our star, sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]''
:'''Mike [as announcer]''': Come on down to parallel parking days.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]''
:'''Mike''': Come to Martin's. [[w:Martin_%28television%29|WHATUP?!?]]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick boots up his computer]''
:'''Servo [as the old AOL voice]''': You've got mail... pattern baldness!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the first scene in 2041]''
:'''Mike''': ''[derisively]'' The, uh, future.
:''[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]''
:'''Crow''': So, in the future, kids become gay agents?
:. . .
:'''Servo''': So... 50 years from now will be ''3'' years from now...
:. . .
:''[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, look—a lesbian... ''of the future!''
:''[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Food courts... ''of the future!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]''
:'''Mike [as Robertson]''': Hi, I'm Bob Evil!
:'''Robertson''': Trust me.
:'''Servo [as Robertson]''': Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]''
:'''Guard''': Come on, this way! ''[They run down the false route]''
:'''Mike [as Guard]''': Even though I see them running the other way!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]''
:'''Servo''': ''Two'' kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even ''I'' know that's a fashion no-no.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as J.K.]''': I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles!
:'''Crow [as Matt]''': I'm a team player!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]''
:'''Mike [as Gunman]''': Arrgh! [[w:Dead Man's Chest|Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]''
:'''Servo''': Great, now the garbage truck's backing up!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]''
:'''Servo''': I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film.
:'''Servo''': Yeah, I think—huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]''
:'''Servo''': They're running out of Alt!
:''[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]''
:'''Eddie''': And their Miffnots ''[MPH KNOTS]'' are goin' down!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Lisa''': Nick!
:'''Crow [as Lisa]''': I was shaving this morning and got a ''nick''!
:''[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]''
:'''Eddie''': ''[irritated]'' Get up! You're all right.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]''
:'''Crow [as Nick]''': Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]''
:'''Crow''': 27 [[w:Keebler Company|Keebler]] elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree!
:'''Mike''': E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh!
:'''Crow''': Oh, he's like poo, all right.
:. . .
:''[as Nick climbs down the tree]''
:'''Crow''': He's climbing an [[w:Ent|Ent]]!
:'''Servo''': ''[in a deep, Entish voice]'' Hoom hom, get off me, hm.
:. . .
:''[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him]''
:'''Crow''': He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]''
:'''Servo''': Did the tree contribute money to the film? ''Why are they showing this?''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]''
:'''Servo''': So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel.
:'''Mike''': Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes.
:''[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]''
:'''Mike''': Hey... even declared war on his surge protector...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]''
:'''Mike''': Who's playing the [[w:chamber pot|chamber pot]]?!
:''[The writer credit appears]''
:'''Crow''': Written? This movie was written? I don't ''think'' so.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]''
:'''Servo''': We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]''
:'''Servo''': Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': All these people bear... ''some'' responsibility, you know.
:''[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]''
:'''Servo''': Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of ''stupid'' Rutland, Vermont! ''This'' is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. ''Go to hell'', citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin!

=== [[w:Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]] ===

:''[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]''
:'''Servo''': Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote!
:'''Mike''': Let go of it, man!
:'''Servo''': Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your ''Webster''s, and your ''Facts of Life''ses, and your ''Who's The Boss''esesses!
:''[Movie Sign goes off]''
:'''Mike''': We got movie sign! ''[Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia's]] head inside a golden electronic cube]''
:'''Mike''': This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network.
:'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rubik's Cube|Raulbik's Cube!]]
:'''Servo''': Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was...
:'''Mike''': Oh no, don't say it!
:'''Servo''': ...Cube-in!
:'''Mike''': Ahhh.
:''[The cube begins to fade away]''
:'''Crow''': Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man!
:'''Servo [as Raul Julia]''': But I'm signed to play [[w:Romero (film)|Archbishop Romero!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie's theme plays]''
:'''Mike''': And now, the news.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[New York City PBS affiliate [[w:WNET|WNET]] is credited]''
:'''Servo''': That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Title card is shown]''
:'''Servo''': ''[with monotone sarcasm]'' Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]''
:'''Mike''': Wow. TV's Frank!
:'''Servo''': Wow. Frank's really come up in the world.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]''
:'''Crow''': SAT farms ''of the future''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]''
:'''Appalonia''': He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control.
:''[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]''
:'''Mike''': And its effect on Bugs Bunny.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
:. . .
:'''Appalonia''': And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it.
:'''Mike [as Appalonia]''': Data entrying with no pants.
:. . .
:''[Fingal gets caught.]''
:'''Crow''': We now return to ''Billy Madison''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[on the therapist]'' It's Merv Griffin!
:'''Computer''': Ask about his mother.
:'''Servo [as Computer]''': Ask if she wears Army boots.

:'''Servo''': So aging lesbian nuns run the future?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]''
:'''Fingal''': I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys?
:'''Shuttle Passenger''': An anteater... ''maybe.''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, look. Must be a [[w:Jack in the Box#E. coli outbreak|Jack-In-The-Box in the food court]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]''
:'''Boy''': And blue, like this?
:'''Teacher''': Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later.
:'''Boy''': Is it ''sexy?''
:'''Teacher''': We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room.
:''[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' The littlest sexual deviant.
:. . .
:''[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]''
:'''Servo''': There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. {{hnote|[In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.]}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]''
:'''Servo''': Is it "[[w:Village of the Damned|Children of the Damned]] Day" at the brain institute here?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[[Doctor Who]]''... the hell cares!
:'''Mike''': You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]''
:'''Fingal''': At least I'm not an anteater.
:'''Mike''': This movie just hates ''anteaters''!
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': This cost me every credit I have?
:'''Mike''': He's gonna start flinging it any minute now!
:. . .
:'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]''
:'''Fingal''': What happened to him? He looks drunk to me!
:'''Crow [as giraffe]''': I'm on medication, okay?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]''
:'''Servo [as Worker]''': Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]''
:'''Crow''': Must be Christmas on the Borg ship.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' See you on the dark side of Raul...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up ''this'' cinema.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]''
:'''Mike''': It's Asian Pee-Wee.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, Ram Jazz. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Pierre''': Everybody goes to The Place.
:'''Servo [as Co-worker]''': You know, when they have to ''go''...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the name of "The Place"]''
:'''Mike''': Formerly "That Other Place".
:'''Servo''': Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and ''this'' was the name they thought up.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Formerly "The Locale".
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Formerly "The Site".
:. . .
:'''Crow''': It's changed ownership. Now it's a ''gentleman's'' club.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]''
:'''Professor Bobo''': Hey, I can sing, too! ''[singing off-key]'' [[w:Only_Time_Will_Tell_(song)|And now you find yourself in '82—]] ''[Pearl kicks him in the groin.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]''
:'''Mike [as the Fat Man]''': All I can eat? The joke's on them!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]''
:'''Fingal''': I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored!
:''[Mike and the bots all look around]''
:'''Servo''': OK, which one of us said that?
:'''Crow''': I felt it, I don't...
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer!
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]''': ''[dully]'' I'm okay with that.
:. . .
:''[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]''
:'''Crow [as co-worker]''': My coffee coupon!
:...
:'''Fingal''': If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work.
:'''Crow''': I'll be a better zombie!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a rather adult scene]''
:'''Mike''': Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]''
:'''Apollonia''': If this [[w:masturbation|one-handed exercise]] is all you can think of to do with your life...
:'''Crow''': Whoa!
:'''Apollonia''': ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you!
:'''Servo''': Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part?
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman!
:''[Apollonia slaps him.]''
:'''Crow [as Fingal]''': Well, now you are, actually.
:. . .
:'''Apollonia''': Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is...
:'''Servo''': Well, slapping him seemed like a good start!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]''
:'''Rick''': What're you gonna do?
:'''Fingal''': I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change.
:'''Mike''': Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]''
:'''Computer''': What is your access code?
:'''Crow''': [[w:Microsoft|Where do you want to go today?]] All over this movie, that's where I want to go.
:'''Computer''': Invalid access. Quit or retry?
:'''Servo''': I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]''
:'''Crow''': The chairman's got really bad dandruff.
:'''Mike''': This is how much ''pure'' cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie.
:. . .
:'''Fingal''': I'm not making ''this'' up!
:'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm not cleaning it up either!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the ''crap'' out of [[w:Fred Rogers|Fred Rogers]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]''
:'''Apollonia''': Dopples don't dance, they don't make love...
:'''Crow''': They're ''Lutherans''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]''
:'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing to the background music]'' [[w:Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want...]]
:. . .
:''[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]''
:'''Servo [as God]''': Here's some more commandments I forgot.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Fingal''': Shut up, Fat Man!
:'''Mike [as Fingal]''': You... you anteater!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Fat Man leaves]''
:'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': To Wendy's!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]''
:'''Fingal''': Genius. Pure Genius.
:'''Crow''': ...couldn't save this film.
:. . .
:''[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]''
:'''Servo [as Fat Man]''': I'm farting Monopoly cards!
:'''Mike''': Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]''
:'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': Draw... me some butter!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]''
:'''Mike''': Vertigo to hell.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now!
:. . .
:''[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]''
:'''Mike''': I love you this much!
:''[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]''
:'''Servo''': I don't care for you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal (played by [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia]]) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Eating Raoul|Eating Raul]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]''
:'''Rick''': Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater!
:'''Servo''': Lay off the anteaters! Come on!
:'''Crow''': Man!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this [[w:Public Broadcasting Service|PBS]] TV movie.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public ''Boinking'' System", huh?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "[[Casablanca]]".]''
:'''Crow [as co-worker]''': But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The theme plays at the end.]''
:'''Mike''': And now the news. ''
:''[Theme plays again.]''
:'''Mike''': That was the news.

== Season 9 ==

=== The Projected Man ===

<div id="nepenthe">
:''[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]''
:'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… ''[increasingly melodramatically]'' wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. [[w:Nepenthe|Nepenthe]]! ''Nepenthe!''
:'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]]''': You are so gay.
:'''Observer''': I could be wrong.
</div>

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]''
:'''Man''': What's he doing?
:'''Crow''': Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]''
:'''Dr. Hill''': You better watch where you're going!
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Pretty you may be!
:''[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]''
:'''Crow [as Guard]''': Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
:. . .
:''[Dr. Hill drives away]''
:'''Servo''': Uh... driving she may be!
:''[Dr. Hill is parking her car]''
:'''Crow''': Ah ''parking''! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
:''[The car's engine makes odd noises]''
:'''Mike''': An exhaust system she may need!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]''
:'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Preheat!
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Pre-Heat… in!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Grease and flour cake pans!
:'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Emission Relay.
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Emission Relay… on!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Are We Not Men We Are Devo!|Are we not blokes?]]
:'''Prof. Steiner''': Relay One.
:'''Dr. Mitchell''': Relay One… in!
:'''Servo [as Prof. Steiner]''': Really dumb scene… end!

:''[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.]
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]''
:'''Thief''': Gloria?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Thief]''': G-L-O-R-I-A?
:'''Thief''': Gloria!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Thief]''': In excelsis Deo!
:'''Thief''': Gloria!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Thief]''': I hear they got your number.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]''
:'''Inspector Davis''': Can I get on?
:'''Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel]''' Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]''
:'''Crow''': Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
:'''Servo''': Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
:'''Crow''': Do I want the director just killed or should he be ''tortured first''?
:'''Mike''': Crow!
:. . .
:''[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]''
:'''Crow''': Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
:''[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]''

=== The Phantom Planet ===

:''[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Pat Buchanan's first day as President.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Makonnen''': You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
:'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Don't hit him...
:'''Makonnen''': ...if you just take the time to look at it.
:'''Chapman''': You're some guy, Makonnen.
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Makonnen]''': You know, Captain...
:'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Shut ''up'', Ray.
: . . .
:''[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]''
:'''Mike [as Chapman]''' Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]''
:'''Servo [as Chapman, sickly]''': Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your [[w:credit rating|credit rating]]?...rating...rating...
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I'm afraid you're not [[w:7-Eleven|7-Eleven]] timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]''
:'''Judge Eden''': Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
:'''Chapman''': I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Chapman]''': …with courage and nudeness.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]''
:'''Chapman''': I don't understand.
:'''Sessom''': There are many things you will not understand here…
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sessom]''': …being an obvious doorknob.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! [[w:Maxwell's Silver Hammer|Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]''
:'''Judge Eden''': The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jury]''': ''[cheering]''
::We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
::G-U-I-L … T-Y!
::Guilty! Guilty!
::G-U-I-L … T-Y!
::Whoo! Yaaaay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]''
:'''Liara''': You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': So people are just balloons?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this is almost as good as [[w:2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_%28film%29|2001]]... nails driven into your eyes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During another flashback sequence...]
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We didn't like these scenes the ''first'' time!
:. . .
:''[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ''ten seconds ago!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]''
:'''White''': Chapman! Chapman!
:'''Servo [as White]''': You got any gum?
:'''White''': Where's Makonnen?
:'''Chapman''': He's dead. Gone.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Chapman]''': He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]''
:'''Chapman''': Now they'll never believe me...
:'''Mike [as Chapman]''': ''[Unemotionally]'' I'll have to kill them all.

===[[w:The Pumaman|Puma Man]]===

:'''Kobras''': Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kobras]''': And there's more salt in ham than in turkey.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jane''': You can't hide this!
:'''Kobras''': Who is to prevent me?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man is hurled out an office building window.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': We're downsizing, Steve!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]''
:'''Crow''': Call our 900 number and vote.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jane''': So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right?
:'''Servo''': In a wrong kind of way, yeah.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Vadinho''': My name is Vadinho.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': I'm an [[w:Vidalia onion|onion]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]''
:'''Mike''': Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle.
:'''Crow''': So basically a mild rain could take out that roof.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[Singing to the Puma Man theme music]'' Puma Man! He flies like a moron!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]''
:'''Vadinho''': You do not fly, but your mind does.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tony]''': Yeah, thanks, [[w:Carlos Castaneda|Castaneda]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kobras''': Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him.
:'''Crow''': Donald's only use for the word "comb".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots]''
:'''Mike [as the henchman]''': Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics!
:...
:''[The henchman gets dropped again]''
:'''Servo [as the henchman]''': My mustache makes me fall sideways!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.]]''
:'''Servo''': Prepare the Effeminate Mobile!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tony seeks information from girlfriend Jane, who's wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]''
:'''Jane''': I'm conditioned to keep the secret, just like everyone. I can't do it.
:'''Tony''': Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jane]''': But my will ''won't''!
:'''Jane''': I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Airhead]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his [[world domination]] plans.]''
:'''Kobras''': When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Kobras]''': Stuffing or potatoes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]''
:'''Kobras''': You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man!
:'''Crow''': PU-ma Man!
:'''Mike''': Oh, is that right? Dee-onald?
:'''Kobras''': You're just a small... insignificant... human being!
:'''Servo''': No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kobras''': Because you come from Earth...
:'''Servo [as Kobras]''': Corn grows in you.
:'''Kobras''': And to Earth you shall return!
:'''Mike''': Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]''
:'''Vadinho''': You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': To be left alone—the goal of every great hero!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]''
:'''Crow''': So, basically, the hero is ''this guy''. I think it's time we all face that fact!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe.

=== Werewolf ===
:''[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]''
:'''Servo''': I don't know, you had him last! ''[laughs]''
:'''Crow''': You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
:'''Servo''': Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? ''[laughs]''
:''[Mike enters.]
:'''Mike''': Hey, guys.
:'''Servo''': ''[screams]'' YAH!
:'''Crow''': Mike, the title came up and it said ''Werewolf'', and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
:'''Mike''': ''[chuckles]'' Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
:'''Servo''': Thank you!
:'''Crow''': ''[backpedaling]'' Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
:''[Mike finishes chuckling]''
:'''Crow''': ''[sighs, defeated]'' Good one, Servo.
:'''Servo''': ''[gloating]'' Well, thank you! ''[chuckles]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]''
:'''Billy''': Hey, I got something here!
:'''Crow''': It's [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]''
:'''Crow''': Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': It's a production of ''[[w:Road House|Road House]]'' in the Park.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Noel''': At the risk of sounding nuts...
:'''Crow [as Noel]''': I've replaced my toes with grapes.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of the moon]''
:'''Servo [as moon]''': Oh, I ate too much - I am a ''full'' moon!
:'''Mike''': I am gonna hit you so hard...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, wait! It's a gorilla!
:''[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ...With a dog mask on!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]''
:'''Servo''': I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]''
:'''Noel''': Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you?
:'''Crow [as Noel]''': You are married to ''me!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]''
:'''Paul''': I'm actually working on something now.
:'''Natalie''': Really? What's the subject matter?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Paul]''': You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all!
:'''Mike''': Heh, good one!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]''
:'''Natalie''': What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Noel]''': ''[in Grandma voice]'' You can't handle the truth, deary!
:'''Noel''': In due time, you'll know everything.
:'''Natalie''': Well, maybe then it's too late!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Natalie]''': Paul, you is a wahrwilf!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]''
:'''Natalie''': So it all comes to this?
:'''Servo [as Natalie]''': The... thing that it comes to?
:'''Natalie''': You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Yuri]''': Yes, we ''is''.
:'''Natalie''': But over my dead''BOD''y. You hear me? I won't stand for it!
:'''Servo [as Natalie]''': You is a jerk!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]''
:'''Crow''': Chubby Ramone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]''
:'''Sam''': Werewolf?
:'''Crow [as Paul]''': No, I'm a squirrel monkey; ''OF COURSE'' I'm a werewolf, you...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Pow Wow the Indian Boy|Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:We Will Rock You|We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:The Battle of Kookamonga|Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves|Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:The Lonely Goatherd|High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...]]
:'''Servo''': [[w:Here Comes Santa Claus|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Give It Away (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!]]
:'''Mike''': [[w:Brand New Key|I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey|Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:Cat's in the Cradle|And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...]]
:'''Mike''': [[w:Easter Parade (song)|In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...]]
:'''Servo''': [[w:One Night in Bangkok|One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!]]
:'''Crow''': [[w:The Surrey with the Fringe on Top|Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...]]
:'''Mike''': [[w:The Freshmen (song)|We were merely ''fresh''men!]]
:'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:Oh! Susanna|Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]''

=== The Deadly Bees ===
:''[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]''
:'''Crow''': They named ''every bee''? This is gonna take forever...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Slender British rock band [[w:The Birds (band)|The Birds]] (not the more famous [[w:The Byrds|Byrds]]) perform a song.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Eight Miles High|Eight… miles… ''wrong'']]!
: . . .
:'''Servo''': Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.]
:'''Crow''': Hey, they're growing [[w:Bill the Cat|Bill the Cat]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub]
:'''Hargrove''': Morning, David.
:'''Hawkins''': Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you?
:'''Hargrove''': Oh, the usual.
:'''Servo''': 9 A.M., why so late?
:'''Hargrove''': Make it a double, will you?
:'''Crow''': Alright, ''now'' we're in England.
:'''Mike''': [[w:Andy Capp|Andy Capp]]: The Movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]''
:'''Coroner''': Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death?
:'''Hargrove''': The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees.
:'''Coroner''': And her dog?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hargrove]''': Uh, the dog didn't sting her.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Sleigh Bells"]'' Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go…
:''[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Spice Girls|Nondescript Spice]].
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[Robert Frost#Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (1923)|Whose woods these are?]]
:'''Crow''': Oh, I ''think'' I know.
:'''Mike''': Huh?
:''[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' Killer cookie crumbs!
:'''Crow [as Doris]''': Damn, it's that [[William Butler Yeats#bee-loud_glade|"bee-loud glade"]] that Yeats spoke of.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]''
:'''Crow''': She still lip-syncs better than [[w:Jewel_(singer)|Jewel]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]''
:'''Mike [as Tess]''': Avenge me! Ruff!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]''
:'''Mike [as Hargrove]''': If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The house was made of typing paper and oily rags.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]''
:'''Crow [confused]''': All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
:'''Servo''': Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?

=== The Space Children ===

==== Century 21 Calling (short) ====

:''[In the opening credits, we see: '''Century 21 Calling'''.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh! They want their [[w:Century 21 Real Estate|little gold jacket]] back.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind.
:'''Mike''': Why do you lash out like that?
:'''Crow''': I don't know.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]''
:'''Servo''': The only bathroom in the fair is up there.
:'''Crow''': Well, I'm glad to know the future has '''CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC'''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]''
:'''Crow [as nerdy girl]''': Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]''
:'''Mike''': Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled ''How Do Animals Learn?'']''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A lady at the ''How Do Animals Learn?'' exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]''
:'''Mike [as lady]''': Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Bell Woman''': ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest.
:''[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]''
:'''Crow [as nerdy guy]''': The Führer will like that!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A little girl phones her grandmother.]''
:'''Grandma''': Hello?
:'''Little Girl''': Hello, Grandma?
:'''Crow [as little girl]''': Where's my money?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]''
:'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' Want someone else on the line?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Customer]''': No.
:'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, andante, maybe.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bell Woman]''': Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]''
:'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation.
:''[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on ''you''?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ...And in the future there will ''still'' be a two dollar surcharge for using this service ''despite'' the technology having proliferated ''EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET''!

==== The Space Children (movie) ====
:'''Crow''': Remind me to never be a child.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bud]''': ''[mesmerized]'' Yes — [[w:Soupy Sales#New Year's Day incident|I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by [[w:Russell Johnson|Russell Johnson]]), but is finally caught.]''
:'''Crow''': Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by [[w:Gilligan's Island#"And the rest"|"And The Rest"]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]''
:'''Anne Brewster''': How does it tell you, and why?
:'''Bud''': I don't think you'd understand.
:''[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Anne]''': Oh, I'll just go [[w:It's a Good Life (The Twilight Zone)|wish myself into the cornfield]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]''
:'''Dr. Wahrman''': And what does it look like?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brewster]''': Well, it's got a good personality…

=== Hobgoblins ===

:'''Servo''': Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]''
:'''Mike''': What, has he got [[w:Pringles|Pringles]] in his shoes?
:'''Servo''': Proof that janitors walk upright!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dennis opens the vault door.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] is inside [[w:Time Enough At Last|reading]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Member, FDI-''Murder''!
:'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 ''die''! {{hnote|Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]''
:'''Servo''': Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short!
:'''Mike''': These are the beginning credits!
:'''Servo''': Oh, well, then kill me, please?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]''
:'''Mike''': It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain!
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Take on Me|Take on me...]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Daphne''': ''[singing to "[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]"]'' Everybody have sex tonight!
:'''[[w: Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Everybody ''throw up'' tonight.
:'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ironically, no one in the band [[w:Wang Chung|Wang Chung]] had sex that night.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''McCreedy''': But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried...
:'''Servo''': Sentence fragments. Just phrases.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]''
:'''Crow''': So, does [[w:United Hardware|Hardware Hank]] have a major defense contract, or…?
:. . .
:''[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]''
:'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's also a [[w:Black belt (martial arts)|black belt]] in [[w:Whac-A-Mole|Whac-A-Mole]].
:. . .
:''[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by film''makers''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': ''[singing along to generic '80s synth music]''
::It's the '80s!
::Do a lot of [[w:cocaine|coke]] and vote for [[Ronald Reagan]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Hobgoblins form up together]''
:'''Servo''': Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]''
:'''Servo''': Ugh! They made love in their [[w:Chevy Van|Chevy van]] and that is ''not'' alright with me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]''
:'''Crow''': So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]''
:'''Crow''': That is not a woman! That's [[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]!
: . . .
:''[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]''
:'''Servo''': The car will do anything to get out of this movie!
:''[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.]
:'''Crow''': In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were ''not'' in the car at the time of the crash!
:''[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]''
:'''Mike [as Kevin]''': Look at that guy wave the [[w:Color gel|gel]] in front of the light!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]''
:'''Crow''': Oh, great! You just shot down [[w:Air Force One|Air Force One]], you dope!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]''
:'''Servo''': The [[w:Tommy Bartlett|king of the Wisconsin Dells]] finally gets a movie.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mike and the bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]''
:'''Mike Cutout''': This sure is a bad movie, won't you?
:'''Servo Cutout''': It sure is, you know!
:'''Crow Cutout''': Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins."
:'''Mike Cutout''': Are you kidding me?
:'''Servo Cutout''': Then let's go!
:'''All [singing]''': Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo!
: . . .
:'''Mike Cutout''': Watch out, here comes one now!
:'''Crow Cutout''': Look out, you little doodad!
:'''Servo Cutout''': Something's sure going to happen!
:''[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]''
:'''Mike Cutout''': Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... ''[Speech fades out.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''McCreedy''': Did I ever tell you what I did during the war?
:'''Kevin''': No, what?
:'''Crow [as McCreedy]''': Shot off my toe and got out!

=== The Touch of Satan ===

:''[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]''
:'''Farmer''': Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mercy?
:'''Farmer''': ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mercy]''': Yeah, ''milk'' me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]''
:'''Mike''': The [[w:American Gothic|American Gothic]] people take revenge.
: . . .
:''[Fade to table of people laughing]''
:'''Crow''': ''[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story]'' And then he ''died''!
:''[all laugh]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Grandma [[w:Cosmo Kramer|Kramer]]!
:'''Mike''': A [[w:kabuki|kabuki]] actor's been hit!
: . . .
:'''Luther''': What happened? What have you done?
:'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]''
:'''Attendant''': That'll be six dollars, even.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head.
: . . .
:'''Attendant''': See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them ''fromokaidal'' maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here.
: . . .
:'''Jody''': Yeah, well, nobody needs a ''fromokaidal'' maniac hanging around.
:''[Jody drives off.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Attendant]''': Is that right? I should check my ''dictionotomy''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a shot of the forest]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Trees (Rush song)|But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...]]''
:'''Crow''': ''[stern]'' Mike, stop it '''''now'''''.
:'''Mike''': ...Sorry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Jody''': This your pond?
:''[Lengthy pause]''
:'''Crow [as Jody]''': You can take your time, it's a tough question.
:'''Melissa''': It belongs to my father.
:'''Jody''': Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond?
:'''Servo [as Melissa]''': As long as you don't hit his favorite frog.
:''[''Another'' pause]
:'''Melissa''': I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car?
:'''Jody''': Yeah.
:'''Servo [as Melissa]''': Mind if I skip rocks across it?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]''
:'''Melissa''': This is where the fish lives.
:''[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]''
:'''Jody''': Why did you run?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Melissa]''': 'Cuz this is where the fish lives.
:'''Melissa''': I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran.
:''[A pause.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jody]''': You're kind of an idiot, aren't you?
:''[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jody]''': This is where my ''tongue'' lives.

<hr width=50%"/>
:''[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]''
:'''Mike [as [[w: Barney Fife|Barney Fife]]]''': I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]''
:'''Crow''': She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]''
:'''Mike [as townsfolk]''': Oh, and "go [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]" too, but mostly burn the witch.
:. . .
:''[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible ([[w:Book of Job|Job]]) to his family.]''
:'''Strickland''': "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..."
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Strickland]''': ...said Madeleine.
:'''Strickland''': "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..."
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Strickland]''': Tsch. Bunch of crap.
:'''Strickland''': "A dreadful sound is in his ears."
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Strickland]''': It's [[w:Paula Cole|Paula Cole]], I think.
:'''Strickland''': "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him."
:''[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]''
:'''Strickland''': What is it, child?
:'''Young Lucinda''': I thought I heard something.
:'''Strickland''': Pay attention to the word of God.
:'''Servo [as Strickland]''': For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't.
:'''Strickland''': "Yea..."
:'''Crow [as Strickland]''': "...team!"
:'''Strickland''': "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..."
:'''Mike [as Strickland]''': "...by ten-thirty…"
:'''Strickland''': "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine."
:'''Servo [as Daughter]''': Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad!
:. . .
:''[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]''
:'''Mrs. Strickland''': What is it, David?
:'''Crow''': It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf?
:'''Young Melissa''': Papa, what is it?
:'''Crow''': ''[irritated]'' People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at ''all''?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing along]'' "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice."

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]''
:'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened!

=== Gorgo ===

:''[Over the title screen]''
:'''Mike''': The [[w:Al Gore|Vice President]]'s unimaginative campaign slogan.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]''
:'''Mike''': And...?
:''[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, they're fine!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]]"]''
::They got into port and everyone was okay.
::They went out for lunch and felt better...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]''
:'''Sam''': Looks like they're pretty hard hit.
:'''Mike''': Poor dopes, they [[w:Brigadoon|appear every hundred years]] and get hit by a huge storm.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]''
:'''McCartin''': After you load with water… you leave. Tonight!
:'''Joe''': The sooner, the better!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe/Cheerleader]''': The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sam/Cheerleader]''': Yay!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]''
:'''Mike''': Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by [[w:Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]] or infested by leprechauns they've got ''this'' guy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]''
:'''Crow [as sailor]''': Am in Ireland, send real food.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]''
:'''Crow''': I didn't know elephants exploded on impact!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]''
:'''Servo''': Maybe [[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]] flies in and kicks his ass?
:'''Mike''': ''That'' I'd pay to see.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I wish they'd get back to Dorkin.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more.
:'''Servo''': Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage?
:'''Crow''': Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'.
:'''Servo''': D'oh!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work!
:'''Crow''': ''[lewdly]'' Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh.
:'''Mike''': That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I—
:''[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]''
:'''Mike''': You know what I mean. Stop it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]''
:'''Servo''': Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]''
:'''Sean''': She's going back now—back to the sea.
:'''Servo [as Sean]''': ...With the blood of many on her scales.

=== The Final Sacrifice ===

:''[On the SOL, Gypsy turned off the power for maintenance. The Bots have looted the SOL]''
:'''Crow''': If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]''
:'''Mike''': I understand everything up to the word "A".
:'''Crow''': He comes from a long line of great anuses.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': That's an [[w:anagram|anagram]] for "direct to video!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the name Bharbara Egan.]''
:'''Crow''': That's an illegal use of a silent consonant!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]''
:'''Mike''': You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it.
:'''Servo''': Already.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]''
:'''Servo''': Seven years after the ''credits''?
:'''Mike''': ''[confused]'' I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as figure]''': Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Heh... you know, people are just ''dying'' to—
:'''Tom''': ''[sharply]'' '''''No.'''''
:'''Mike''': ...Sorry.
:. . .
:''[Troy visits his father's grave.]''
:'''Troy''': ''[voiceover]'' Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Troy's Father]''': I ''died''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Troy enters his attic.]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays.
:. . .
:''[Troy opens a trunk.]''
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters.
:'''Servo''': Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown.
:'''Mike [as Troy]''': I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Troy]''': Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk.
:''[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]''
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon.
:''[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]''
:'''Mike''': [[w:Larry Czonka|Larry Czonka]]!
:''[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]''
:'''Servo [as Troy]''': Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich.
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': I've got to find the warranty on this sweater.
:''[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "[[w:Lost Lemon Mine|LEMON MINE]]".]''
:'''Mike''': No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]''
:'''Servo''': It's ''open!''
:. . .
:'''Crow [as henchman]''': Can I interest you in a replacement door?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]''
:'''Mike''': Canadian villain Garth Vader. {{hnote|Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]''
:'''Mike [as Cultist]''': Damn you, Pee-Wee!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]''
:'''Crow''': Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': What's your name, laddie?
:'''Troy''': Troy MacGregor.
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater!
:''[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]''
:'''Mike''': Rowsdowermobile, ''away''!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]''
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with?
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': They're from [[w:Saskatchewan|Saskatchewan]]!
:'''Troy''': No.
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': It's a cult.
:'''Servo [as Rowsdower]''': They worship [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|blue oysters]].
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': They want to rule the world.
:'''Troy''': How do you know?
:'''Zap Rowsdower''': I've been around, kid.
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': And I've been a square kid.
:'''Servo''': D'oh!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[imitating the engine]'' Rowsdower-er-er-er-er...

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Rowsdower''': Go to hell!
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Or at least [[w:Edmonton|Edmonton]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]''
:'''Troy''': '''FOOD!'''
:'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Yeah, no beer, though.
:'''Pipper''': Hey! Who goes there?!
:'''Servo [as Troy]''': More '''FOOD!'''
:'''Pipper''': What the hell you doin' here?!
:'''Crow [as Troy]''': We were eating your '''FOOD!'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]''
:'''Pipper''': McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son?
:'''Troy''': Yeah! Did you know him?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Pipper]''': Know him? He was delicious!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, how'd he get his pants clean?
:'''Servo''': Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:We Will Rock You|You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...]]
:'''Crow and Servo''': We will, we will ROWSDOWER!
:'''Crow''': SING IT!
:''[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]''
:'''Crow''': We will, we... ''[normally]'' Oh, guess that's over.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]''
:'''Servo [as Satoris]''': You shot me in the butt! What the ''hell?!'' You shot me ''IN THE BUTT!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]''
:'''Servo''': Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world!
:'''Crow''': He comes to save the day in a broken truck.
:'''Mike''': With a stinky denim jacket on his back.
:'''Crow''': He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked!
:'''Mike''': But at least we didn't have to see him play ''[falters]'' h-hackey sack....
:'''Servo''': ''What?!''
:'''Mike''': Sorry, I panicked.

=== Devil Fish ===

:''[The film's title is shown.]''
:'''Servo:''' The story of [[w:Aleister Crowley|Aleister]] [[w:Crappie|Crappie]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]''
:'''Peter''': Janet! Janet!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Peter]''': Oh, sorry, I forgot. [[Janet Jackson#nasty-names|I'm nasty, Miss Jackson]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]''
:'''Dr. Davis''': Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor.
:'''Dr. West''': In his hands.
:'''Dr. Davis''': Exactly.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Davis]''': Yeah, thanks for helping me out there.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]''
:'''Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]''': Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade!
:'''Servo''': I bet they hired every nature-hating ''psycho'' in Dade County.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': See the Human Lady!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]''
:'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number one. Report in.
:'''Squad Member''': Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet.
:'''Crow [as Squad Member]''': [[w:You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet|B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet]], over.
: . . .
:'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two!
:'''Servo [as dead squad member]''': We done been et, over!
: . . .
:'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two!
:'''Crow''': Oh, they'll be [[wikt:number two|number two]] soon enough.
: . . .
:''[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]''
:'''Servo [as Devil Fish]''': ''[singing to Neil Young's "[[w:Southern Man|Southern Man]]"]'' Southern man, gonna eat your head!
: . . .
:''[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]''
:'''Crow''': Well, this should take care of ''every living '''thing''''' in the Everglades.
: . . .
:''[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]''
:'''Servo [as Sheriff]''': Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms!
:'''Crow''': Does the Coast Guard have a ''lot'' of use for flamethrowers?
: . . .
:''[Close up of burning water.]''
:'''Mike''': Eww, someone threw a match on the [[w:Cuyahoga River|Cuyahoga River]].

=== The Screaming Skull ===

==== Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short) ====

:'''Crow [as Gumby]''': One of my classmates died in the kiln today, ''mother''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tom Servo''': The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, don't! That's [[w:Wallace and Gromit|Wallace and Gromit]]'s yard!
:''[Another robot chops down a tree.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! That's old-growth clay!
:. . .
:''[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Habitat for Humanity|Habitat ''Against'' Humanity]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]''
:'''Crow [as Weatherman]''': It's a fair to partly-cottony day…

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gumby's Mother''': Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk!
:'''Servo''': ''Crackers?'' Wow! Maybe they can have ''white rice'' later!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]''
:'''Crow [as mobster]''': [[Goodfellas|Gotta move this body back upstate.]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Liquid metal!]]
:''[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]''
:'''Mike [as Gumby]:''' Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]''
:'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Thank goodness for the internal genitalia!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]''
:'''Crow [as Gumby's Mother]''': That squares my breasts!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]''
:'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Son, I'm gunna need a can of [[w:Play-Doh|Play-Doh]] to replace my butt.'''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]''
:'''Servo''': Aah! They hung his head! Oh…
:'''Crow''': Now I'm ready for years of powerful [[w:Alfred Adler|Adlerian]] therapy, Mike.
:'''Servo''': They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than ''[[Se7en]]''!
:'''Mike''': Hey! His bump is on the other side!

==== The Screaming Skull (movie) ====

:'''Eric''': Jenni, this is Mickey.
:'''Mike [as Eric]''': Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[Hamlet#Act V|Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Rev. Snow]''': Have you tried talking to ''your'' minister about this?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]''
:'''Servo [as Eric]''': Don't you make that skull face at me, missy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]''
:'''Crow''': ''[impatient]'' Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]''
:'''Crow''': ''GET A BOX!''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Kiri Te Kanawa|Kiri Te Kanawa]] is drunk again!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, great! She's playing her [[w:Yoko Ono#Musical career|Yoko Ono]] albums.
:'''Mike''': I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, ''semicolon'', Skull".

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]''
:'''Mike''': Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]''
:'''Crow''': Everyone knows it's [[w:Slinky|Slink-skull!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': So, this movie's kind of a combination of "[[w:The Tell-Tale Heart|The Tell-Tale Heart]]", ''[[w:Blithe Spirit|Blithe Spirit]]'', and...well, a piece of lint, I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.]
:'''Crow''': Settled in a divot.
:''[The skull twitches.]
:'''Servo''': Woof!

=== [[w:Quest of the Delta Knights|Quest of the Delta Knights]] ===

:'''Crow''': Well, better than "Quest of the [[w:Delta Burke|Delta Burke]]", I suppose

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] was in office.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[David Warner appears.]''
:'''Crow [as David Warner]''': ''[apologetic]'' In it for the money, folks.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]''
:'''Baydool''': ¿Como te llamas?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': Yeah, [[w:Taco Bell chihuahua|yo quiero Taco Bell]], whatever.
: . . .
:'''Baydool''': Comment vous-appelez vous?
:'''Crow [as Tee]''': Je m'appelle… Bite Me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]''
:'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Tee]''': I'll see if [[w:Tom Bombadil|Bombadil]] has a place to crash.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tee''': I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master".
:'''Crow [as Tee]''': Right, [[w:Masturbation|Mr. Bater]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]''
:'''Pearl''': Ew, wizard whiz!
:'''Crow''': Drain the wizard!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': [[w:Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em|Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Slave]''': Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am?
: . . .
:'''Lord Vultare''': We've rounded up a number of suspects.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vultare]''': …[[w:The Usual Suspects|including Kevin Spacey]].
:'''Lord Vultare''': I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order.
:'''Mannerjay''': What of the map?
:'''Lord Vultare''': No word. It seems…
:'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Vultare]''': …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]''
:'''Baydool''': These will put anyone to sleep in no time.
:'''Crow''': They're tiny [[w:James Michener|James Michener]] books!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]''
:'''Tom''': The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]''
:'''Loony Henchman''': I'm com-iiiing!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Prince]''': Put a sock in it, [[w:Legolas|Legolas]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Tee''': When in doubt, rest.
:'''Crow''': You are full of crap beyond your years, kid.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Tee [[w:Mr. T|pities the fool]] who gets in his way.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Vultare]''': [[w:Engrish|Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation]].

== Season 10 ==

=== Soultaker ===

:''[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Soultaker/Cash]''': ''[singing to "[[w:I Walk the Line|I Walk the Line]]"]'' Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to [[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]].]''
:'''Servo''': I'm [[Ed Bradley]]...
:'''Mike''': I'm [[w:Steve Kroft|Steve Kroft]]...
:'''Crow''': I'm [[w:Lesley Stahl|Lesley Stahl]]...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The title card swoops into view.]''
:'''Servo [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': The [[w:Soul Train|SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.]
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's not Natalie, that's [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]!
:. . .
:''[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]''
:'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': You're dead, [[w:Nancy Kerrigan|Nancy Kerrigan]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[some jokes about Brad's car]''
:'''Crow''': Ugh, that car must reek of [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]!
: . . .
:'''Mike''': I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of [[w:Marlboro_%28cigarette%29|Marlboro Lights]] and [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]] out of the upholstery!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]''
:'''Natalie''': Karen!
:'''Mike [as Karen]''': Sorry! [[w:Up Where We Belong|Love is lifting me up where I belong!]]
:. . .
:''[Natalie stomps in frustration.]''
:'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': The lace on my skate broke!
: . . .
:''[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]''
:'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': [[w:Jeff Gillooly|Jeff Gillooly]] did it!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by [[w:Joe Estevez|Joe Estevez]]) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.]
:'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]]. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.]
:'''Mike [as tree]''': Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]''
:'''Mike''': She's survived by her Danskins.
: . . .
:''[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Natalie/Tonya]''': Whoa! [[w:Salchow jump|Triple salchow]] really takes it out of you!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]''
:'''Tommy''': What do you want?
:'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Do you have a phone, so I can call [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin]] to take over my role?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]''
:'''The Soultaker''': ''[ominously]'' It's Closing Time!
:'''Servo''': Does that mean that [[w:Closing Time (Semisonic song)|every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]''
:'''Tommy''': Thanks!
:''[The woman laughs it off.]''
:'''Mike [as Woman]''': I just got assaulted, it's fun!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]''
:'''Natalie''': My mom! He's done something to my mom!
:'''Zach''': No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital.
:'''Natalie''': What?
:'''Mike [as Zach/Actor]''': Hey, look—you wrote this crap!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[singing in [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]]/[[w:talkbox|talkbox]] voice]'' I wanna thank you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]''
:'''Brad''': You still haven't figured it out, have you, man?
:'''Crow''': We have! Can we go?!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]''
:'''Crow [as Soultaker]''': Muhuhahahahaha! You're ''it!''
:'''Soultaker''': It's all over now.
:'''Servo''': Oh, ho, I wish that were true!

=== Girl in Gold Boots ===

:''The movie opens with scantily clad women dancing.''
:'''Servo''': Ah, shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]''
:'''Crow''': What happens when you touch ''gold''?
:'''Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]''': Everything I touch turns to flies.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Michelle's Father''': Don't get smart with me!
:'''Michelle''': I'm ''not'' getting smart!
:'''Mike [as Michelle]''': I ''can't''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]''
:'''Buz''': What's wrong?
:'''Crow [as Michelle]''': I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''' [voice over]''' there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out)
:'''Crow''': You can say that ag-

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Buz]''': Wh... oh, a ''gun''. So ''that'' was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Critter''': I'll have ten Hershey bars.
:'''Crow''': ''Tin'' Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat.
:'''Michelle''': That'll be one dollar.
:'''Servo [as Critter]''': I've got a "Happenings" coupon!
:'''Critter''': Can you cash a hundred?
:'''Michelle''': I've never even seen one!
:'''Critter''': Fifty?
:''[Michelle shakes her head "no."]''
:'''Mike [as Critter]''': Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]''
:'''Servo [as Buz]''': I'm back!
:...
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Anybody notice that I'm here now?
:...
:'''Crow [as Buz]''': C'mon, I just ''teleported'' here! It's impressive!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Critter''': Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of [[w:Nepal|Nepalese]] money.
:'''Crow''': From the land of Nipples!
: . . .
:''[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]''
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Your money's from [[w:Senegal|Senegal]]!
: . . .
:''[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]''
:'''Critter''': Yeah, I can come up with my own share.
:'''Mike [as Critter]''': Ah, here's some [[w:Guatemalan_quetzal|Guatemalan quetzal]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Gas Station Attendant''': Will this be cash or charge?
:'''Buz''': Cash.
:''[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]''
:'''Crow''': On second thought, I'll just put it on my ''gun''!
:'''Servo''': Heh, that guy's totally ''pistol''-whipped, man.
: . . .
:''[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]''
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh.
:'''Servo [as Buz]''': Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She makes [[w:The Little Kicks|Elaine Benes]] look like a good dancer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]''
:'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[politely]'' Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"?
:''[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]''
:'''Servo [as Man]:''' No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]''
:'''Harry''': I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. ''[Points to Buz.]''
:'''Mike''': Boy?!
: . . .
:'''Leo''': Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. ''[Pulls Buz aside.]''
:'''Servo''': I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties!
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Buz]''': Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime!
: . . .
:''[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]''
:'''Harry''': I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share.
:''[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]''
:'''Mike [as Harry]''': Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor!
: . . .
:'''Mike [as Buz]''': Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people ''and'' I killed a guy!
:'''Servo''': Well, what do you expect, he's ''only a child''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]''
:'''Servo''': Oh, so he learns he ''enjoys'' violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta.
: . . .
:''[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass!
:'''Mike''': So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form?
: . . .
:'''Servo''': She's dancing the specials at [[w:T.G.I. Friday's|T.G.I. Friday's]].
:'''Crow''': Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the [[w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]] grill.
: . . .
:'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're living a lie.
:'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' You gotta come down.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You dance like a clown.
:'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' By and by.
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' I hope that you ''die''!

=== Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders ===
:'''Pearl [introducing the movie]''': I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called ''Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'', and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]''
:'''[[w:Ernest Borgnine|Grandpa]]''': Uh-oh!
:'''Crow [as Grandpa]''': We better eat all the ice cream!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the star]''': ''[straining]'' Twinkle! ''[grunts]'' That's all I got.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Cooper''': ''[snidely]'' Allow me to introduce myself.
:'''Servo [as Cooper]''': I'm Bob Jackass.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]''
:'''Servo [as Cooper]''': Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]''
:'''Mike''': Clearly, Merlin has brought ''good'' into the world!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miffy]''': Meow, meow... [[w:Marathon Man|safe! Meow, meow... very safe!]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]''
:'''Servo [as Madeline]''': Honey? You okay down there?
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Cooper]''': Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]''
:'''Merlin''': Don't I get a kiss?
:'''Zurella''': You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go!
:'''Mike''': So, she threatened him with sex?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]''
:'''Mike''': Why, here's something else Satan created: [[w:anime|Japanimation]]!
:'''Servo''': It's the anime version of [[w:Peter_Rabbit|Peter Rabbit]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]''
:'''David''': God help me!
:'''Servo [as God]''': Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. ''[muttering]'' You're on your own.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Merlin]''': I'm going to hit the mystical can.
: . . .
:'''Crow [as Merlin]''': Remember to believe in magic... or I'll ''kill'' you.

<hr width="50%"/>
: '''Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]''': I did a good job painting this room

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as the kid]''': No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please!
:'''Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]''': Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]''
:'''Merlin''': Heed my words....
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...munch my shorts....

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]''
:'''Cooper''': Do you know who ''I'' am? ''I'' am the supreme being!
:'''Servo''': [[w:Eric Clapton|Clapton]]?
:'''Cooper''': I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[laughs]'' Why?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]''
:'''Merlin''': Ohh, Mrs. Cooper...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...you fine!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] ''': Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Kid]''': ''[slowly]'' Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]''
:'''Cooper''': You really think you are Merlin, don't you?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Cooper]''': My cheek-lines disagree.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grandpa]''': I have another script called ''[[Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]'', but I don't like it as much.

=== Future War ===
:''[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In association with Bob [[w:Tet Offensive|Tet Offensive]] Productions.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The opening credits identify actor [[w:Robert Z'Dar|Robert Z'Dar]].]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh z'no.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor [[w:Daniel Bernhardt|Daniel Bernhardt]]) creeps along a wall.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Jean Claude Van Damme|Jean Claude Van Damme]]!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn.
:''[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Fred]''': Am I [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]? I can't remember.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A midget [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|Tyrannosaurus rex]] (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]''
:'''Crow:''' He's a Cute-a-saurus!
:''[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]''
:'''Servo''': He's being attacked by a [[w:schnauzer|schnauzer]] in a dinosaur costume.
:''[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]''
:'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs?
:''[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]''
:'''Servo''': Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight.
: . . .
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas?
: . . .
:''[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]''
:'''Crow''': He's ''boxed'' in!
:'''Mike''': Yeah, well, I'm card-''bored''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''':Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty
:'''Servo''' ''[makes whistle sound]'' fifteen yards.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]''
:'''Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]''': So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ann''': Hey, how did you know who I was?
:'''Officer''': Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go.
:'''Mike''': Fred Burrows?
:'''Servo''': Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows.
...
:''[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]''
:'''Crow [as the Runaway]''': Fred Burrows! Help me!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]''
:'''Ann''': DRIIIIIVE!
:'''Mike''': [[w:Surge (soft drink)|SUUUUURGE!]]
:'''Ann''': ''DRIIIIIIIIVE!''
:'''Crow [as driver]''': Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go ''faster'', then you need to tell me that.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Introducing new, faster seconds!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]''
:'''Crow [as Ann]''': I'm ''fretting''. See, audience? I'm ''fretting''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo''': This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf.
:'''Mike''': Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]''
:'''Crow''': OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]''
:'''Mike''': ''Huh??''
:'''Servo''': The movie that packs more "''Huh''s" per second!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Ann''': Everything he wanted was everything I needed...
:'''Crow [as Ann]''': So neither of us actually got anything.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain.

=== Blood Waters of Dr. Z ===

:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.]
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please enjoy a fish anus.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the [[w:walking catfish|walking catfish]] moves.]''
:'''Narrator''': Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...like [[w:Courtney Love|Courtney Love]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]''
:'''Mike''': He's a [[wikt:cop a feel|Cop-a-feel]]-[[w:Coelacanth|acanth]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her [[w:jumpsuit|jumpsuit]].]''
:'''Servo''': Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit?
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A-are you sure you're buying the right ''kind'' of jumpsuit?
:'''Mike''': Hmmm...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? ''[[w:Catfish Hunter|Catfish Hunter]]'', that's who! Ha ha ha!
:'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work.
:'''Servo''': ''[deflated]'' Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often.
:'''Mike''': But it only works if you get the correct, current name.
:'''Servo''': ''[disappointed]'' So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh...
:. . .
:'''Mike''': Tom, are... are you sulking?
:'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' No!
:'''Mike''': Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke...
:'''Crow''': No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick...
:'''Mike''': Ssshh! He's suffered enough.

=== Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues ===

:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]''
:'''Mike''': A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a [[w:Green Bay Packers|cheese wedge]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]''
:'''Servo''': And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying ''rat''.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]''
:'''Doc''': Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student.
:'''Servo [as Doc]''': Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute.

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:'''Mike [as Lockhart]''': We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]''
:'''Crow [as Lockhart]''': Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]''
:'''Servo''': Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the [[w:War of Northern Aggression|War against Northern Aggression]]?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Tim is walking around shirtless]''
:'''Crow''': Geez, kid, do a push-up.

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:''[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]''
:'''Mike [as the Creature]''': Well, I'll be damned... farmers ''do'' exist!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]''
:'''Crow [as Tim]''': Can I borrow a cup of shirt?

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:''[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Lucy Lawless|Lucy Bra-less]]!

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:'''Leslie''': ''[Over a walkie-talkie.]'' Tanya, do you read?
:'''Mike [as Tanya]''': Third grade level!

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:''[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]''
:'''Crow [as Doc]''': Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my [[w:gaydar|gaydar]].
:. . .
:'''Doc''': ''[over CB]'' Tim?
:'''Crow [as Tim]''': Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]''
:'''Leslie''': ''[over the walkie-talkie]'' He's close to you!
:'''Doc''': My left or my right?
:'''Servo''': Well, which way are you ''facing'', idiot?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]''
:'''Mike [as Doc]''': I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets.

=== Track of the Moon Beast ===

:''[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]''
:'''Kathy''': Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"?
:'''Paul''': Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Paul]''': Like [[w:Wahoo McDaniel|Wahoo McDaniel]].
:'''Paul''': It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark".
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy]''': Oh! Is he seeing anyone?

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:''[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]''
:'''Crow [as God]''': Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]''
:'''Kathy''': Paul, are you alright? What happened?
:'''Servo''': She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" ''a lot.''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]''
:'''Paul''': I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place.
:'''Servo''': Dozens! No, ''hundreds'' of antiseptics!
:'''Kathy''': Your place?
:'''Paul''': Yeah, my place.
:'''Mike''': I call it "Antiseptic Manor."
:'''Kathy''': Fine. Your place, then.
:''[Thunder rumbles.]''
:'''Crow [as God]''': Not his place! Fornicators!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Paul]''': Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Paul rises after fainting.]''
:'''Paul''': I guess I blacked out.
:'''Mike''': Um, ''excuse'' me, you ''African-Americaned'' out.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.'']''
:'''Mike''': He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom!
:'''Crow''': Maybe he has a trampoline in there.
: . . .
:''[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]''
:'''Mike [as Lizard]''': Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]''
:'''Crow''': Tha— That's just a picture of the moon!
:'''Servo''': Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]''
:'''Mike [as Boy]''': Thanks for the stereotype music!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]''
:'''Mike''': Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.{{hnote|''... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for [[w:U.S. Route 66|U.S. Route 66]].]''
:'''Crow''': [[w:Route 66 (song)|Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]''
:'''Kathy''': Johnny, you can't ''do'' this! Paul's your ''friend''! Paul—
:'''Johnny''': ''PAUL'' IS NOT ''PAUL'' ANYMORE!
:'''Crow [as Johnny]''': HE'S ''[[w:Superman|SUPER PAUL]]''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]''
:'''Servo [as Johnny]''': I see... [[w:Native American gambling enterprises|a huge casino]]!
:'''Mike''': Oh, come on.

=== Final Justice ===

:'''Mike''': Aw, can't I have just ''one more'' justice?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]''
:'''Crow''': In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]''
:'''Palermo''': ''[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.]'' You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ...what?
:'''Servo''': Huh. What do you think he's a son of? [[w:Son_of_a_Preacher_Man|Son of a preacher man]]? [[w:Son_of_a_Son_of_a_Sailor_(song)|Son of a son of a sailor]], maybe?
: . . .
:'''Palermo''': You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''Servo [as Palermo]''': Uh... something!
: . . .
:'''Geronimo''': Get off your knees, you son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': Same thing you said!
: . . .
:'''Palermo''': I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- ''[Audio edit]''!
:'''Servo [as Palermo]''': I'll kill you, but I won't curse you!
: . . .
:''[Much, much later in the movie...]''
:'''Mike''': Hey, maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Geronimo''': You've got the right to remain silent.
:'''Mike''': Oh, he ''is'' a real cop!
:'''Geronimo''': ''[Knocks the suspect out.]'' And all that other ****.
:'''Mike''': ...oh.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]''
:'''Wilson''': Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government.
:'''Mike [as Wilson]''': That's hard to do!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow''': Guests of ''Final Justice'' fly TWA.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mike''': Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37.
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.]
:'''Servo''': Ugh, he's sweating [[w:palm oil|palm kernel oil]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Announcer]''': Cars provided by [[w:Matchbox|Matchbox]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Maltese taxi driver''': Do you know [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]?
:'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': [[w:John Wayne Gacy|Gacy]], yes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]''
:'''Crow''': Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts!
: . . .
:''[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]''
:'''Servo''': And God sends a door chassis from Heaven.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Geronimo''': Carnival? Is it a big carnival?
:'''Crow [as Geronimo]''': Can I get a balloon?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Guess he's a... [[w:Thelonious Monk|felonious monk]]!
:. . .
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Palermo]''': I'm gonna [[w:95 Theses|nail some theses]] to his head!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]], Texas Ranger.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]''
:'''Servo''': Our hero: a big, stinky cheater!

=== Hamlet ===

:''[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]''
:'''Mike''': San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The members of court are performing a dance.]''
:'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hamlet]''': Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
: . . .
:''[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Hamlet]''': ''[in stoner voice]'' Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on [[w:Akvavit|aquavit]] — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Crow [as Hamlet]''': Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project?

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Servo [as the Ghost]''': SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]''
:'''Ophelia''': My prince…
:'''Servo [as Ophelia]''': … are back from [[w:Fotomat|Fotomat]].
: . . .
:'''Hamlet''': I never gave you aught.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ophelia]''': Tscha!
:'''Ophelia''': My honored prince… you know right well you did.
:'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Right well did ''not''!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''King Claudius''': I like him not...
:'''Crow [as Claudius]''': I like him. NOT!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hamlet''': To be or not to be...
:'''Mike''': The literary equivalent of "[[w:Beethoven's 5th Symphony|Da-da-da-dunnn!]]"
:'''Hamlet''': That is the question.
:'''Crow''': I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex.
:'''Hamlet''': Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
:'''Servo''': Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler!
:'''Hamlet''': Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?
:'''Mike''': Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
:'''Hamlet''': To die: to sleep.
:'''Crow''': Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub.
:'''Hamlet''': No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to...
:'''Mike''': Ok, we need a predicate, now.
:'''Hamlet''':...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
:'''Crow''': Especially with Ophelia, man! ''[snickers]''
:'''Mike''': Oh, you...
:'''Hamlet''': To die, to sleep.
:'''Servo''': To SLEEP!
:'''Mike''': Whoa, that's an old chesnut.
:'''Hamlet''': To sleep...
:'''Servo''': To ''SLEEEEEP''
:'''Hamlet''': Perchance to DREAM?
:'''Servo''': The impossible DREAM?
:'''Hamlet''': Aye, there's the rub.
:'''Mike''': I knew I had some rub left...
: . . .
:'''Hamlet''': ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
:'''Crow''': Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe.
:'''Hamlet''': Who would fardels bear...
:'''Mike'''': Ha, fardels...
: . . .
:'''Hamlet''': And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others--
:'''Servo''': SUM UP!
:'''Hamlet''': --that we know not of?
: . . .
:'''Mike''': So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say!
<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.'']''
:'''Hamlet''': Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool!
:'''Crow [as Polonius]''': Oh, right, it's ''my'' fault you killed me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Hamlet''': Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum.
:'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Fifty thousand, maybe.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]''
:'''Hamlet''': Give us the foils.
:'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': We shall some potatoes bake.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]''
:'''Claudius''': Here, to thy health.
:'''Servo [as Claudius]''': ...coming to a sudden end.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]''
:'''Mike [as Claudius]''': Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]''
:'''Mike''': Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball".

=== It Lives by Night ===

:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, ''it'' shouldn't drink so much coffee!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kipling]''': Posed like this in ''[[w:Playgirl|Playgirl]]'', only without my pants!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]''
:'''Mike [as Kipling]''': Um... do you have any drug allergies?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]''
:'''Cathy''': Dr. Kipling?
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cathy]''': [[w:Rikki-Tikki-Tavi|Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's]] waiting for you.
: . . .
:'''Dr. Kipling''': Mrs. Beck...
:'''Mike [as Kipling]''': ...[[w:Loser (Beck song)|you're a loser, baby]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]''
:'''Crow''': Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]''
:'''Crow''': Now, wait a minute... how did ''she'' turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and...
:''[Pause]''
:'''Crow''': ''[horrified]'' ...''Oh, my god.''
:'''Tom''': ''[disgusted]'' GAH!
:''[They rush out of the theater]''
:'''Crow''': OH MY GOD! I get the shower first!
:'''Tom''': No, me first!
:'''Mike''': Urgh!

=== Horrors of Spider Island ===

:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': It's a dames and broads audition.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]''
:'''Servo''': Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]''
:'''Servo''': Lucky sign!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Linda begins stripping during the interview]''
:'''Linda:''' Shall I dance for you?
:'''Crow:''' Yes! For God's sakes, yes!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]''
:'''Crow [as Gary]''': I see a [[w:Fantasy Island|tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]''
:'''Mike''': Man, they're future [[w:Jesse Ventura|governors of Minnesota]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]''
:'''Joe''': For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': But I like [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]!
: . . .
:''[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': Boy! Defending my [[w:misogyny|misogyny]] ''really'' takes commitment!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]''
:'''Georgia''': Gary!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Georgia]''': Your infidelity mildly irritates me!
:'''Gary''': This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gary]''': Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gary]''': It's pretty windy too! And high humidity!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]''
:'''Mike''': Look at that shadow - it's [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of [[w:Vince Guaraldi|Vince Guaraldi]]-esque piano music.]''
:'''Crow''': Soundtrack by Schroeder.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]''
:'''Mike''': ...hey!
:''[The words "The End" abruptly appear]''
:'''Servo''': So, you wanna end your movie that way, huh? Ok, get bent! We're outta here!

=== Squirm ===

==== A Case of Spring Fever (short) ====
[the title is shown]
:'''Servo''': Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Coily the Spring Sprite''': So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Coily]''': ...In HELL!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': So, one clod says one thing and the ''whole world'' pays???
:'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]''
:'''Coily''': Hey! The door!
:'''Servo [as Coily]''': I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]''
:'''Coily''': Noooo springs! ''[laughs]''
:'''Gilbert''': Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish.
:'''Coily''': ''[rubs chin in thought]'' Wellll...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Coily]''': NO!
:'''Coily''': Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again!
:. . .
:''[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]''
:'''Gilbert''': ''[After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.]'' Too bad...
:'''Servo [as Gilbert]''': ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened!
: . . .
:'''Gilbert''': You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Gilbert]''': ...by anti-spring extremists.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]''
:'''Gilbert''': I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks...
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as friend]''': ''Guns'', huh?
: . . .
:'''Gilbert''': Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! ''[inexplicably looks into sky]''
:'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': Hey, look! ''God'' has a spring!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]''
:'''Gilbert''': Hey, Joe! Wake up!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gilbert]''': It's Coily's army of darkness! Look!
: . . .
:'''Joe''': You and your springs! I hope I never see another—
:'''Gilbert''': ''Stop!'' Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live!
:''[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Coily]''': ''You'll'' be the first to die!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]''
:'''Crow''': Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your [[w:preserves|preserves]] in a convenient place!

==== Squirm (movie) ====

:''[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]''
:'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': Well, I don't know why, but okay.
:''[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]''
:'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': ''[dramatically]'' [[w:The Beverly Hillbillies|Of a man named Jed!]]
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Granny Clampett]''': JEDDDDD!!!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]''
:'''Roger''': You gonna be da worm face!
:'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': No, ''you'' gonna be da worm face!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]''
:'''Mama''': Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in.
:'''Mike [as Geri]''': Mom, you don't even ''have'' a butt.
:'''Mama''': I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Geri]''': Mother! That's private.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mama Sanders''': ''[in her exaggerated Southern accent]'' I never saw such a storm...
:'''Crow [as Mama]''': I do hope [[Gone with the Wind|Ashley Wilkes]] can get through.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]''
:'''Geri''': Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases.
:'''Mama Sanders''': Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mama Sanders]''': ... along with Daddy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]''
:'''Mick''': No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark.
:'''Servo [as Geri]''': Mom cracked in 1953.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]''
:'''Servo [as Roger/[[w:Stevie_Wonder|Stevie Wonder]]]''': [[w:Isn't She Lovely?|Isn't she lovely?]]

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]
:'''Servo [as Coily]''': Noooo springs!

=== Danger: Diabolik! ===

:''[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]''
:'''Crow''': ''[singing along with the music]'' Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''':Y'know, this music would be better with women in [[w:Bikini|bikinis]] shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Diabolik]''': Let's have a [[w:Tantra|tantric]] quickie.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Eva]''': Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store.
:'''Servo''': This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh! She's a ''great'' samaritan!
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you?

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]''
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': This will fool them unless they look at it.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]''
:'''Mike''': Wow! ''Dangerously'' steep stairs!
:'''Servo''': You're watching the ''stairs''?
:'''Crow''': Poor Mike...

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]''
:'''Servo''': They're really gonna have to get their [[w:Money laundering|money laundered]].
:'''Crow''': [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]] and his wife!
:. . .
:'''Mike''': You know, with ''my'' budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change.
:. . .
:'''Servo''': Paper cuts are brutal.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': The young [[w:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]]!
:. . .
:'''Servo''': They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars.
:. . .
:'''Mike''': If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better.
:. . .
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster!
:. . .
:'''Crow''': You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now.
:. . .
:'''Crow''': Got greed?
:'''Servo''': Member, FDIC! ''[chuckles]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]''
:'''Servo''': [[w:Dan Quayle|Dan Quayle]] announces his candidacy.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]''
:'''Mike''': The S. S. [[w:Jo Anne Worley|Jo Anne Worley]]!
:'''Valmont''': Is that Stud... coming?
:'''Crow''': I beg your pardon?
:''[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]''

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]''
:'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': My steel, reusable [[w:Fleet (laxative)|Fleet]].
:'''Mike [as Diabolik]''': Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]''
:'''Servo''': This has been the official [[w:Biographical film|biopic]] of [[w:Larry Fine (actor)|Larry Fine]].{{hnote|The series' final riff}}

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[At home, the gang watches ''[[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]]'', the first film in ''MST3K's'' cable run.]''
:'''Servo''': "The Crawling Eye". The [[w:Marty Feldman|Marty Feldman]] Story.
:'''Mike''': Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in.
:'''Crow''': This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?
:'''Servo''': Hmmm.

== Specials ==

===Turkey Day '91 ===

=== Turkey Day '92===

=== Turkey Day '95===

=== MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special ===

:''[a clip is shown from [[Forrest Gump]] ]''
:'''Forrest's Mother''': Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get!
:''[cut back to Servo & Crow]''
:'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, ''"Life is a like box of chocolates"''? Well I got a ''better'' analogy! "Life is like a '''''crap sandwich'''''! The more ''bread'' you got, the less ''crap'' you gotta take!" '''''Sheesh!'''''

=== MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review ===

==== The Lost World: Jurassic Park ====

:''[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]''
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Pete Postlethwaite|Pete Postlethwaite]] in shorts? This movie is for the ladies!

=== MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review ===

==== X-Files: Fight the Future ====

:''[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of [[w:Cigarette-Smoking Man|Sod-Laying Man]]!
:'''Mulder''': Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Mulder]''': …unlike me.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Kid on Bike''': You're not FBI agents!
:'''Mulder''': How do ''you'' know?
:'''Kid on Bike''': 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mulder]''': Yeah, well, you look like [[w:Howdy Doody|Howdy Doody]] with a headcold.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Mulder''': Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes?
:'''Crow''': No, It was Bike-Gifting Man.

==== Ever After ====
:'''Baroness De Ghent''': We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse!
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The First [[w:Lutheran|Lutheran]]!
: . . .
:'''Baroness De Ghent''': Your features are so… masculine.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as De Ghent]''': You look like [[w:Pat Summerall|Pat Summerall]].
: . . .
:'''Baroness De Ghent''': No wonder you're built for hard labour.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as De Ghent]''': You'll be giving birth to [[w:Paul Prudhomme|Paul Prudhomme]].

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]''
:'''Mike [as Danielle]''': I sneezed in my cocaine.

==== Halloween: H2O ====

:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Welcome back to the ''MST3K Blockbuster Review'', featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Um-hmm.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, ''Halloween Water'', which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.

==== The Truman Show ====

:''[Truman is talking to Lauren.]''
:'''Truman''': Would you wanna—
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Lauren]''': No.
:'''Truman''': Maybe possibly—
:'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No!
:'''Truman''': Sometime—
:'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No!
:'''Truman''': Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday?
:'''Mike [as Lauren]''': Well, oka— ''no''!
:'''Lauren''': Yeah… I can't.
:'''Truman''': Saturday?
:'''Lauren''': I can't.
:'''Truman''': Sunday-Monday-Tuesday?
:''[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]''
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lauren]''': N-O! Th-the W is silent.

==== Saving Private Ryan ====

:'''Corporal Upham''': It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir.
:'''Captain Miller''': Did you ''fire'' the weapon in basic training?
:'''Corporal Upham''': Yes, sir.
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Upham]''': But I shot my sergeant.

==== Godzilla (1998) ====

:'''Crow''': Um, folks? We'd ''like'' to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of ''G''[bleep]''a''. Even ''saying'' ''Go''[bleep]''la'' will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to ''God''[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us?
:''[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming a Iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]''
:'''Crow''': There! And it's [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]''zilla''."

=== MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special ===
==== As Good As It Gets ====
:''[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]''
:'''Melvin''': Carol the Waitress, Simon the ''[audio cuts out]''
:'''Servo''': Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of ''Talk Soup''"?

==== Good Will Hunting ====

:'''Sean''': Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book!
:'''Crow''': Oh! I've read some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book!

=== Assignment: Venezuela (short) ===

::''NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.''

:''[On title screen]''
:'''Mike:''' I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]''
:'''Narrator''': The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th—
:''[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]''
:'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': Was being sucked through a time portal.
: . . .
:''[They pass a building with a huge sign: ''GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL''.]''
:'''Narrator''': I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store.
:'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too!
:'''Narrator''': Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home!

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]''
:'''Jim''': Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long.
:'''Servo [as Jim]''': I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow.
:'''Crow [as Jim]''': I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on ''all'' inland bodies of water.
:. . .
:''[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]''
:'''Mike [as Jim]''': I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do ''now'' is lick that language problem.
:'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': … and Escobar here.

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]''
:'''Crow [as Wife]''': I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!"

<hr width="50%"/>
:''[Jim is shown around his future [[w:Quonset hut|Quonset-hut]] home by the present husband and wife occupants.]''
:'''Servo [as Wife]''': ''[in white-trash accent]'' The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': It's called [[w:Vietnam_War#Vietnamization.2C_1969.E2.80.931972|Venezuelalization]].''

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Narrator''': I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to [[w:Simón Bolívar|the Liberator]], who led six South American nations to freedom.
:'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I think it was [[w:Zorro|Zorro]] or something.

== Major cast ==
* [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]] — [[w:Joel Robinson|Joel Robinson]] (1989-1993)/Joel Hodgson (1988)
* [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh Weinstein]] — [[w:Tom Servo|Tom Servo]]/[[w:Dr. Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Laurence Erhardt]] (1988-1989)/[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]] (1988)
* [[w:Trace Beaulieu|Trace Beaulieu]] — [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]/[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Clayton Forrester]] (1988-1996)
* [[w:Kevin Wagner Murphy|Kevin Murphy]] — Tom Servo (1990-1999)/[[w:Professor Bobo|Professor Bobo]] (1997-1999)/[[w:Cambot|Cambot]] (1988)
* [[w:Jim Mallon|Jim Mallon]] — Gypsy (1989-1997)
* [[w:Frank Conniff|Frank Conniff]] — [[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]] (1990-1995)
* [[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael J. Nelson]] — [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike Nelson]] (1993-1999)
* [[w:Mary Jo Pehl|Mary Jo Pehl]] — [[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl Forrester]] (1996-1999)/[[w:Magic Voice|Magic Voice]] (1992-1996)
* [[w:Bill Corbett|Bill Corbett]] — Crow T. Robot/Observer (1997-1999)
* [[w:Patrick Brantseg|Patrick Brantseg]] — Gypsy (1997-1999)

== See also ==

* [[Television shows]]

== External links ==

{{wikipedia}}
{{wikipedia|List of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes}}
* {{imdb title|0094517|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}
* {{imdb title|0117128|Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie}}
* {{tv.com show|2868|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}
* [http://www.mst3kinfo.com/index.html The Satellite News]: The Official MST3K Fan Site
* [http://forrestcrow.proboards47.com MST3K: The Discussion Board]: Satellite News endorsed and largest MST3K discussion board

[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:Comedy Central shows]]
[[Category:Comedy TV shows]]
[[Category:Syfy shows]]
[[Category:Science fiction TV shows]]
[[Category:Television series on DVD]]
[[Category:American TV shows]]