Wikiquote - User contributions [en]

Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/Kalki (4th request)

2015-01-23T15:36:46Z

Gene96:

=== {{User|Kalki}} (4th request) ===

This might seem simply an absurd [[absurdist]] joke to some, on my part, but well aware of ''many'' [[ironies]], to ''remind'' some of some purported facts, and some of the most prominent [[ideas]] and [[ideals]] with which this wiki began, before there was ''much'' decline in ''many'' ways, I, who was once a highly respected admin here (from 29 January 2004 to 1 December 2009), and also a bureaucrat for most of those years, and who ''declined'' several requests to take on other more powerful roles and responsibilities, which I ''neither'' desired, nor believed it ''necessary'' for me to attain, to best serve others, will ''quote'' the lead instructions of the nomination page:
:"Current English Wikiquote policy is to grant administrator status to anyone who has been an active Wikiquote contributor for a while and is generally a known and trusted member of the community. Most users seem to agree that the more administrators there are the better."

'''I, who I believe that most who remember the pertinent facts of matters would admit was the most vigorous and reliable vandal fighter here, when I was an admin, and who assert that I have NEVER deliberately misused the admin tools or status at all, nor betrayed or ignored the founding PRINCIPLES of the wiki projects, and of vitally NECESSARY respect for the ideals of Justice, Unity, Liberty and GOOD FAITH towards ALL, ''at all'', let alone in such severe and obvious ways as several who clearly have retained them clearly HAVE done, without significant repercussions or complaints, in the light of current situations, and future likelihoods, am again nominating myself for admin.'''

Though others are also certainly ''much'' afflicted by the recent twerp-troll-vandal, as someone without admin status, who once did have it, and who he seems thus somewhat obsessed with, and someone he particularly likes to ''target'' and attempt to ''torment'' and insult in his attacks — believe that I could thus probably most ably absorb and reduce the severity of any future efforts on his part.

Though I remain the MOST active contributor, overall, to this wiki, and have long been so, it is over a year, since my last ill-fated attempt [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/Archives/2014| at regaining admin status here, on 17 January 2014]]. I am not going to pretend to be "perfect" in the esteem of many, nor of myself, nor inclined to be extremely modest in what assessments I could make of my qualifications, nor inclined to be extremely kind in the assessments I would make of a ''few'' others, for ''various'' reasons, but after long years of often intense frustrations, and enduring contentions against various forms of mendacity, hypocrisy, errors, and extreme rational and ethical incompetence, very little of which I believe either validly or rationally could be attributed to me, let alone ''correctly'' so, anyone who thinks I am not MORE worthy and MORE trustworthy of being an admin here than at least a FEW who currently are entrusted with such status, I sincerely believe, simply has their head or mind stuck somewhere the sun and many forms of sincere good will definitely is not shining. THAT is about all I will say for now. '''Let us BE AWARE of ALL we can BE, and [[now]] see what will now be.''' ''[[Dharma|So]] [[Necessity|it]] [[Kenosis|goes]]''[[Eternity|…]]<big> [[Monism|⨀]][[Awareness|∴]][[Life|☥]][[Peace|☮]][[Love|♥]][[Understanding|∵]][[Om|ॐ]] [[Karma|…]]</big>''[[Blessings]]''. ~ ♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]·[[User talk:Kalki|†]]·[[User:Kalki/index|⚓]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡ 14:01, 23 January 2015 (UTC)
:'''Candidate's acceptance''': Self-nominated, in what I hope and believe will be the LAST time, ''whatever'' comes. It has been over a year since my last attempt at regaining admin status, and if many significant things have not become far more clear to others in that time, about my worthiness for the role, and the NEED of someone with my experience and vigor in the role, MUCH of my patience in abiding their forms of contemptible conceits in relative silence is coming to an end.

''Vote ends: '' '''2015·01·30''' (30th January 2015)

----

*'''Support'''. As I have stated in the past (and I stand by my [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/Archives/2014|earlier statements]] as well), it is my opinion that despite what many feel are appearances to the contrary, Kalki is someone who has always acted with the health of this project as the goal. Although I do not always agree with all of the presented arguments (and have commented in the past regarding their length), I do feel that Kalki is not only a strong advocate for this project but one who is constantly striving to improve it and correct issues where they occur. Since I began here (which is nearly ten years now), I have always found Kalki to be a source of information and one who is willing to discuss issues. And there are other users that are already admins whom I have seen perform acts with which I disagree - but the value of their contributions have always outweighed the negatives. I believe this to be the case with Kalki as well - the overwhelmingly majority of actions performed by Kalki have been positive and I expect that to continue should this discussion result in restoration of admin status, as I believe it should. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:24, 23 January 2015 (UTC)
*'''Support'''. I strongly support Kalki as I have in his last Request for adminship. There also needs to also be more admins to stop the increasing number of vandals/trolls from disrupting and wasting other people's time. ~ [[User:Miszatomic|Miszatomic]] ([[User talk:Miszatomic|talk]]) 14:42, 23 January 2015 (UTC)
*'''Support'''. Kalki has been contributing to Wikiquote for over 11 years, and has 100,000+ edits here. I can't think of anyone more deserving of adminship than him. And it's not just about fighting vandalism (though granting him ability to stop vandals would be invaluable for WQ): I also don't think Kalki should have to ask other admins for help just to update the Quote of the Day. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 15:03, 23 January 2015 (UTC)
*'''Support'''. the amount of page the previous vandal created shows that we need more admins to block vandals quickly~ [[User:Gene96|Gene96]] ([[User talk:Gene96|talk]]) 15:20, 23 January 2015 (UTC)

Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/Kalki (4th request)

2015-01-23T15:21:28Z

Gene96:

Hokusai

2015-01-23T14:53:31Z

Gene96:

[[Image:The_Great_Wave_off_Kanagawa.jpg|thumb|240px|''Behind the Great Wave at Kanagawa'' in ''Thirty-six Views of Mount Fuji'']]
[[Image:Hokusai portrait.jpg|thumb|Self portraite as old man. Collection from Louvre.]]
'''[[w:Hokusai|Katsushika Hokusai]]''' (葛飾北斎) (1760–1849) was an Edo period Japanese artist, painter, woodblock printmaker and ukiyo-e maker. Born in Edo (now Tokyo), Hokusai is best-known as author of the woodblock print series ''Thirty-six Views of Mount Fuji'' (c. 1831).

Through his painter life, Hokusai switched his pseudonoms thirty times. Among them, Hokusai (used 1805-1810) is today preferably used to address him.

== Attrbuted ==
*All I have produced before the age of seventy is not worth taking into account. At seventy-three I have learned a little about the real structure of nature, of animals, plants, trees, birds, fishes and insects. In consequence when I am eighty, I shall have made still more progress. At ninety I shall penetrate the mystery of things; at one hundred I shall certainly have reached a marvelous stage; and when I am a hundred and ten, everything I do, be it a dot or a line, will be alive. I beg those who live as long as I to see if I do not keep my word. Written at the age of seventy five by me, once Hokusai, today Gwakyo Rojin, the old man mad about drawing.
** On one of his pseudonom, Gyakyo Rojin. He may have said the above in his late life definitely, since he began to use the name Gwakyo Rojin in 1843.

== External links ==
{{Wikipedia}}
{{commonscat|Katsushika Hokusai}}
* [http://www.mfa.org/index.asp Museum of Fine Arts, Boston] Database with approximately 760 images of Hokusai print. Go to Collections and do a search.
* [http://spectacle.berkeley.edu/~fiorillo/texts/ukiyoetexts/ukiyoe_pages/hokusai_3falls.html Personal Webpage on Viewing Japanese Prints]. General background on Hokusai, Edo and Osaka Ukiyo-e, and other print artists.
* [http://www.metmuseum.org/Works_of_Art/viewOne.asp?dep=6&viewMode=0&item=JP1847 The Metropolitan Museum of Art's (New York) entry on "The Great Wave at Kanagawa."]
* [http://www.andreas.com/hokusai.html Personal Webpage on Hokusai and Japanese Art]
* [http://www.life.com/Life/millennium/people/85.html Entry in LIFE Magazine's list of 100 greatest people of the past millennium] #85
* [http://www.book-navi.com/hokusai/hokusai-e.html Hokusai-Museum in Obuse, Japan]
* [http://www.monks.demon.co.uk/hocus.htm Personal Wepage on Hokusai] includes a bio and gallery
* [http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/hokusai/ WebMuseum Paris] includes short bio

[[Category:1840s deaths]]
[[Category:Painters]]

Yes, Prime Minister (2013)

2015-01-23T14:51:22Z

Gene96: +Category:Sitcoms; +Category:Satire TV shows; +Category:Cancelled shows; +Category:BBC shows using HotCat

'''''[[w:Yes Minister|Yes Minister]]''''' is a [[w:satire|satirical]] [[w:British sitcom|British sitcom]] written by [[w:Antony Jay|Antony Jay]] and [[w:Jonathan Lynn|Jonathan Lynn]] that was first transmitted by [[w:BBC Television|BBC Televison]] between 1980 and 1984, split over three seven-episode series. The sequel, '''''Yes, Prime Minister''''', ran from 1986 to 1988. In total there were 38 episodes, of which all but one lasted half an hour.
== Episode 6 ==

: '''Hacker''': Meanwhile, we have a crisis.
: '''Bernard''': A moral crisis.
: '''Hacker''': A survival crisis, which is much more serious. I have to survive this weekend and stay in power. If I don't, I can't do all the things that the people elected me to do. The health service, schools, all that crap! I have a moral obligation to do whatever is necessary to stay in power.
: '''Bernard''': I'm not sure the end justifies the means. Look where that philosophy leads. Stalin wanted all the farms in the Ukraine collectivised. He thought there'd be more food. The peasant farmers opposed him, so he ordered all five million of them to be killed.
: '''Hacker''': Actually, if you kill five million people, there is more food.

==External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]
[[Category:Satire TV shows]]
[[Category:Cancelled shows]]
[[Category:BBC shows]]

Yes, Prime Minister (2013)

2015-01-23T14:50:25Z

Gene96:

Extras (TV series)

2015-01-23T14:47:01Z

Gene96:

'''[[:w:Extras (sitcom)|Extras]]''' is a sitcom written and directed by [[:w:Ricky Gervais|Ricky Gervais]] and [[:w:Stephen Merchant|Stephen Merchant]]. It concerns Andy Millman, a struggling actor forced into accepting dialogue-free roles as extras in various film and television productions, and his efforts to attempt to break into the big-time by hobnobbing with the more famous stars he works with.

=Season 1=

===''Episode 1''===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': July 21, 2005
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w: Ben Stiller|Ben Stiller]]
<hr width=50%>

:'''Stiller''': A lot of you might be thinking, 'Why am I making this movie?' Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors … what does that mean? I mean, yeah, I make ''[[:w:Along Came Polly|Along Came Polly]]'', it opens to $32 million, one of the biggest [[:w:Martin Luther King Day|Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday holiday]] opening weekends ever, goes on to gross 170 million worldwide. ''[[:w:Meet the Parents|Meet the Parents]]'', double that. But what does the money and the success mean in real terms? If I find a little orphan child in a warzone, hiding in a burnt out building. His parents, murdered. Persecuted for his race, his religion. What am I gonna do? Pop on ''[[:w:Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story|Dodgeball]]'' on DVD?
:'''Goran''': Is funny film.
:'''Stiller''': Thanks, and I can put on ''Dodgeball'', and he's gonna laugh for an hour and 32 minutes, you know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes? Back to reality. Still an orphan. Still living with fear. How do I help him? Put on ''Dodgeball'' again? Sure, he's gonna laugh again. He'll see things he didn't see the first time, it's layered, it was made like that. But, this can't go on indefinitely. All right, at a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's … still laughing, but it's not getting to the root of the problem. OK? How do I help him?
:'''Andy''': [quietly, to Maggie] Make ''Dodgeball 2''?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Maggie''': ''[commenting on attractive man's high-fibre lunch]'' No bowel cancer for you, then!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Stiller''': ''[irritated sigh]'' Will you stop going on about your fucking dead wife?
<hr width=50%>
:''[After Andy has spoken to Ben Stiller out of turn]''
:'''Stiller''': Who are you?
:'''Andy''': Nobody.
:'''Stiller''': What's that? Who?
:'''Andy''': Nobody.
:'''Stiller''': That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?
:'''Andy''': It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.
:''[Pause]''
:'''Stiller''': Was that supposed to be funny?
:'''Andy''': You tell me, you were in it.
:'''Stiller''': Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.
:''[Andy shrugs and turns to leave. Ben Stiller turns his back to Andy, then swings back again, not finished]''
:'''Stiller''': Hey, do you know how much ''[[w:Meet the Fockers|Meet the Fockers]]'' made in its opening weekend?
:'''Andy''': No.
:'''Stiller''': No, you don't do you? ''[Suddenly points to a random crew member]'' What do you think?
:'''Random Crewmember''': I dunno.
:'''Stiller''': Take a wild guess.
:'''Random Crewmember''': Twenty million?
:'''Stiller''': ''[Smugly, to Andy]'' Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five ''hundred'' million ''worldwide''. Number one movie in India, right now.
:'''Andy''': ''[Unimpressed]'' Well done. Bye, nerd.
:'''Stiller''': ''[Livid]'' Oh, I'm a nerd?!
:'''Andy''': Yes, you are.
:'''Stiller''': I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!
:'''Maggie''': In films.
:'''Stiller''': It still counts! ''[Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively]'' It still counts! … It still counts. I did it. ''[Stomps off]''

<hr width="100%"/>

===Episode 2===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': July 28, 2005
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Vinnie Jones|Vinnie Jones]] & [[w:Ross Kemp|Ross Kemp]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Andy''': Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?
:'''Darren''': Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act.
:'''Andy''': Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.
:'''Darren''': 15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.
:'''Andy''': ''[incredulous]'' Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?
:'''Darren''': That would be amazing. That would be brilliant.
:'''Andy''': Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.
:'''Darren''': You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!
<hr width=50%>

:'''Kemp''': I headbutted a horse, once.
:'''Andy''': Must've really annoyed you.
<hr width=50%>

:'''Andy''': Ah, and what do you recommend, my good man?
:'''Caterer''': Chicken's the warmest.
:'''Andy''': Is it? I'll have that then.
:'''Caterer''': One chicken.
[gives Andy his food]
:'''Andy''': Your heart isn't in this is it? Oh, but one of your pubes is, I notice!
[Caterer dives his fingers into mash]
:'''Andy''': Ooh, straight in there, no fuss.
:'''Caterer''': That's not a pube, it's a dog hair.
:'''Andy''': Oh, it's alright everyone! It's not a pube, it's just a dog hair, that's all. I thought it was a pube, but no. Oh, by the way, if you do happen to find any hairs in your food, he just goes straight in there with his sausage fingers.

===Episode 3===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': August 4, 2005
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Kate Winslet|Kate Winslet]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Andy''': Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you?
:'''Maggie''': No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended.
:'''Andy''': Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."
:'''Winslet''': Sounds interesting.
:'''Andy''': Hi. Not me. Her.
:'''Winslet''': Go on.
:'''Andy''': Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
:'''Winslet''': Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?
:'''Maggie''': Yeah.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Andy''': Dear God, I've got Jeremy Clarkson's wardrobe!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Winslet''': My God, I'm not doing it for that. I mean, I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"
:'''Andy''': Def-yeah
:'''Winslet''': Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." Oscars coming out of their arse.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Andy kisses the priest's hand]''
:'''Priest''': Oh, you don't have to do that, I'm not the Pope!
:'''Andy''': No, old habits die hard - my old priest used to make me kiss him... on the ring... on his finger, not like that, there's none of that going on, and that makes me sick as well, people saying priests are paedophiles and kiddy-fiddlers, and it's probably... I mean they probably are, you probably know some, but there's no higher percentage of perverts in... but, you know... they're all walks of life, aren't they? There are nonces everywhere, but let's not exaggerate the issue is what I'm saying. I've never been touched by a priest. I've been touched by God - not in that way - in the heart... but, you know, or... ah... oh... condoms. Do we need them? Don't think so. Let the free seed of love gush forth.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Darren''': ''[checks computer]'' Errm. Do you want to put another meeting in?
:'''Andy''': Any point?
:'''Darren''': May as well. Errm. And then when nothing comes in, just phone you up and cancel it.
:'''Andy''': That's a plan.

===Episode 4===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': August 11, 2005
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Les Dennis|Les Dennis]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:''[Genie appears out of a big lamp]''
:'''Dennis''': Blimey! What a big poof.
:'''Andy''': ''[as Genie]'' Cheeky!
:'''Dennis''': Who are you?
:'''Andy''': Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be but you can call me Genie.
:'''Dennis''': How does someone as big as you squeeze into this tiny lamp?
:'''Andy''': Don't worry about it. I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes! Ewwwwgh! No pain, no gain.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Andy''': ''[prompting Les]'' Where do you want to go from?
:'''Dennis''': How about 1992?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Dennis''': You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a shitty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays.
:'''Andy''': Nothing wrong with gays.
:'''Dennis''': I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything. Look at that Graham Norton.
:'''Andy''': He's alright, i'n' he?
:'''Dennis''': Is he? Is this funny, is it? "''Oooh! Look at this website about cocks and fannies. Oooh! Jackie Collins, what lovely tits. Do you like a cock up your arse? Oooh!''" Is that funny?
:'''Andy''': It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit, 'cause you're in a pub
:'''Dennis''': What is ''that''? I want to do something more high-brow, Oscar Wilde or something.
:'''Andy''': Yeah, definitely, he was gay.
:'''Dennis''': I know. But not in the same way. He was clever. Would ''this'' have been funny? Him going through customs: "''I have nothing to declare but my genius. Ooooh! And this vibratin' tongue for pleasurin' fannies. Oooh!''" Is that funny?
:'''Andy''': ''Again'' quite funny when ''you'' do it. But it's Sunday, can you keep the "fannies" down to a minimum?

===Episode 5===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': August 18, 2005
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|Samuel L. Jackson]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Jobsworth''': ...Whoa. Where are you going? You can't come on here, it's actors only.
:'''Andy''': I am an actor.
:'''Jobsworth''': No, you're background. Your bus is over there. This is for actors.
:'''Andy''': I am an actor.
:'''Jobsworth''': No, your voucher's green, that means you're background.
:'''Andy''': Right. So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my badge.
:'''Jobsworth''': No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things.
:'''Maggie''': He hasn't.
:'''Andy''': Shut up.
<hr width=50%>
:'''GUY''': What's wrong with going for a meal with me?
:'''Andy''':Nothing, a bit weird... but--
:'''GUY''': What's weird about a couple of mates having a meal together?
:'''Andy''': Well, we're not really friends that's the point--
:'''Guy''': But that's how we become friends. We go for a meal.
:'''Andy''': But I go out for meals with people that are already friends, I don't go to people willy-nilly and go, "Oi, mate, I don't know you from Adam, but do you want to go out for the weekend? You might be a mental case, but let's find out." It's mad. Do you know what I mean?
:'''Guy''': No. ''[walks away sadly]''
<hr width=50%>
:'''Dan''': I'm just trying to get into TV. I mean, to be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television.
:'''Maggie''': No. ''[pause]'' "Crime Watch."
:'''Dan''': What?
:'''Maggie''': The reconstructions on "Crime Watch", they always need black actors... ''[pause]'' or white actors. They need black actors and white actors. Depending on who's committing the crime that day. I mean there's criminals--black criminals. Certainly, there's white criminals as well as black criminals... ''[silence]''
<hr width=50%>
:'''Andy''': He doesn't think you're a racist.
:'''Maggie''': He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.
:'''Andy''': What, the Rosa Parks incident??
:'''Maggie''': It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.
:'''Andy''': Sure.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Andy''': Well, there is that test I can give you.
:'''Maggie''': What test?
:'''Andy''': The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist.
:'''Maggie''': I've never heard of it.
:'''Andy''': Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?
:'''Maggie''': Brad Pitt, obviously.
:'''Andy''': ''Obviously?''
:'''Maggie''': What?
:'''Andy''': I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?
:'''Maggie''': Tony Blair.
:'''Andy''': Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
:'''Maggie''': ''[stressed]'' I don't know...
:'''Andy''': Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England?
:'''Maggie''': Queen Elizabeth II.
:'''Andy''': Correct. Who is the President of Djibouti?
:'''Maggie''': Oh, this is ridiculous! I've never even heard of blubbin' Djibouti!
:'''Andy''': Oh! Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please. Alright, next question. Who would you rather have waiting for you when you get home tonight: Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?
:'''Maggie''': Johnny Depp, because of the murder thing.
:'''Andy''': Because of the murder thing? I think you'll find that OJ Simpson was acquitted, but in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.

===Episode 6===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': August 25, 2005
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Patrick Stewart|Patrick Stewart]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Andy''': What's your story about, if you don't mind me asking?
:'''Stewart''': Well, how best to explain this? You've seen me in X-Men?
:'''Andy''': Yeah.
:'''Stewart''': The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, can control things with the power of his mind; make people do things and see things. So I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.
:'''Andy''': Alright.
:'''Stewart''': So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.
:'''Andy''': Right. That's interesting.
:'''Stewart''': For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.
:'''Andy''': All her clothes fall off?
:'''Stewart''': Mmm. Yes. And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. I've seen it all.
:'''Andy''': Ok... So, comedy, is it?
:'''Stewart''': No. It's about what would happen if these things were possible.
:'''Andy''': What's the story though?
:'''Stewart''': Well, I do other stuff, like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says, "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass." And I go, "Oh no?", and her uniform falls off, and she goes "Aaaah!", and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway, and I get on my bike and ride off. On the grass.
:'''Andy''': So, it's mainly about seeing ladies' tits?
:'''Stewart''': Mainly. And I do other stuff. Like I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany vs. England. And I wish I were playing and suddenly I am! And I score the winning goal. They carry me into the dressing room, and there's Rooney and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and --
:'''Andy''': Her clothes fall off?
:'''Stewart''': Instantly.
:'''Andy''': Sure.
<hr width="50%">
:'''Stewart''': You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend... and you've never watched ''Star Trek''? Good Lord...
<hr width="50%">
:'''Stewart''': Hello Maggie. This is Patrick Stewart. And the reason you're hearing my rich, sexy voice is that Andy isn't man enough to apologise himself, so he's asked me to do it.

=Season 2=

===Episode 1===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': September 14, 2006
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Orlando Bloom|Orlando Bloom]], [[w:Keith Chegwin| Keith Chegwin]] & [[w:Sophia Myles|Sophia Myles]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Chegwin''': ''[as Alfie]'' My sister buried me today.
:'''Andy''': Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury ''you''?
<hr width=50%>
:'''Chegwin''': 14 years at the BBC. Swap Shop. Cheggers challenge. Still run by Jews and Queers, is it?
:'''Andy''': Jews and queers?! I think there are a few Jewish people, and some gay people, yeah.
:'''Chegwin''': [sarcastically] 'Gay!' I forgot, not allowed to say queer nowadays, are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a blokes arse? Let's face it; If god had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us beaver. Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny. Not up the arse.
:'''Andy''': Should really be taking notes.
:'''Chegwin''': What?
:'''Andy''': Nothing. It's all good advice.

===Episode 2===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': September 21, 2006
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:David Bowie|David Bowie]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Andy''': I'm an entertainer too.
:'''Bowie''': What do you do?
:'''Andy''': I'm in a sitcom.
:'''Maggie''': It's called 'When The Whistle Blows'. Have you seen it?
:'''Bowie''': I haven't, no, is it any good?
:'''Heckler''': ''[off-screen]'' Na. It's shit.

===Episode 3===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': September 28, 2006
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Warwick Davis|Warwick Davis]], [[w:Daniel Radcliffe|Daniel Radcliffe]] & [[w:Diana Rigg|Diana Rigg]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Radcliffe''': You married?
:'''Make-Up Artist''': Yeah
:'''Radcliffe''': Don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.

<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Darren''': The papers don't look good
:'''Andy''': Oh what's it say?
:''[Holds up newspaper]''
:'''Darren''': "Bully kicks midget in face".
:'''Andy''': Accurate...
:''[Puts down paper and holds up another]''
:'''Darren''':"Pick on someone your own size, fatty".
:'''Andy''': At least it can't get worse.
:''[Puts down paper and holds up another]''
:'''Darren''': Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".
:'''Andy''': Well what's that got to do with it?
:'''Darren''': Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.

===Episode 4===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': October 5, 2006
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Richard Briers|Richard Briers]], [[w:Ronnie Corbett|Ronnie Corbett]], [[w:Stephen Fry|Stephen Fry]], [[w:Chris Martin|Chris Martin]], [[w:Davina McCall|Davina McCall]], [[w:Patricia Potter|Patricia Potter]] & [[w:Moira Stuart|Moira Stuart]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''Darren''': Calm down, ''[holds up muffin]'' muffin?
:'''Andy''': No.
:'''Darren''': Have a lovely bit of muffin.
:'''Andy''': I don't want any.
:'''Darren''': Do you mind if ''I'' have a little bit of muffin?
:'''Andy''': ''No''.
:'''Darren''': Thank you, ''[into intercom]'' Bar?
:'''Shaun''': ''[through intercom] Yo?''
:'''Darren''': I'm having the muffin.
:'''Shaun''': ''[through intercom] I'll come through.''
:'''Andy''': Why is ''this'' an event?
:'''Darren''': It's exciting. ''[bites into muffin]''
:''[Shaun enters]''
:'''Shaun''': Alright, Andy?
:'''Andy''': Alright, Shaun.
:''[they shake hands]''
:'''Darren''': Lovely bit of muffin.
:'''Shaun''': ''[to muffin]'' Hello, you.
:''[Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand]''
:'''Andy''': Why's he eating like that?
:'''Darren''': Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
:'''Shaun''': Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.
:'''Andy''': You... you shook my hand when you came in.
:'''Shaun''': Well that's politeness innit?
:'''Darren''': He's just being polite.
<hr width=50%>
:''[after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]''
:'''Corbett''': ''[to Darren]'' It's your fault.
:'''Darren''': Why's it ''my'' fault?
:'''Corbett''': They saw your head over the cubicle door.
:'''Andy''': They saw your head ''under'' the cubicle door, so...
:''[security guard enters]''
:'''Security Guard''': Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.
:''[Andy laughs]''
: ...Is something funny?
:'''Andy''': Your joke, it was...
:'''Security Guard''': Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,''[to Andy]'' you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?
:''[Andy mumbles]''
: ...Is this it? Or is there any more?
:''[Corbett pulls a bag from his pocket]''
:'''Corbett''': Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.
:'''Security Guard''': Hand it over. Where'd you get it?
:'''Corbett''': Don't remember.
:'''Security Guard''': Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?
:'''Corbett''': Don't remember.
:'''Security Guard''': Was it Moira Stuart?
:'''Corbett''': I can't say.
:'''Security Guard''': We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.
:'''Corbett''': You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.
:'''Security Guard''': Alright. Here's something you ''will'' remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
:'''Andy''': What? Me as well?
:'''Security Guard''': Yeah, all of you.
:'''Andy''': Oh...
:'''Security Guard''': You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
:'''Corbett''': What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
:'''Security Guard''': Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
:'''Corbett''': Probably.
:'''Security Guard''': Expect a call.
:'''Darren''': ''[pointing at Andy]'' He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.
:'''Andy''': Yeah.
:'''Security Guard''': Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.
:'''Darren''': Makes sense.
:'''Security Guard''': Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
:'''Andy''': "Makes sense".
:'''Darren''': I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
:'''Andy''': Yeah? You f-f.. Idiot.

===Episode 5===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': October 12, 2006
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Germaine Greer|Germaine Greer]], [[w:Mark Kermode|'Dr' Mark Kermode]], [[w:Mark Lawson|Mark Lawson]] & [[w:Sir Ian McKellen|Ian McKellen]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:'''McKellen''': Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how do I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cut! Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.
<hr width=50%>
:'''McKellen''': How will you know what to say? Well the words will be in the script...and you will learn the words! You would not have the script on the night and that goes for everybody, there will be no scripts on the night! You learn the words!
<hr width=50%>
:'''Fran''': John? I love you.
:'''Andy''' [to the audience]: In the play.
<hr width=50%>
:''[Andy walks into Darren's office; Darren is sitting at his desk]''
:'''Andy''': Moron
:''[Darren looks around]''
:'''Darren''': You talking to me?
:'''Andy''': Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
:'''Darren''': What play?
:'''Andy''': The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's ''so'' gay.
<hr width=50%>
:''[after trying to push his own 'waste' through the u-bend in the toilet using a whisk]''
:'''Darren''': Oh, that's just mashing it up.

===Episode 6===
:'''''Original Air Date''''': October 19, 2006
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Robert Lindsay|Robert Lindsay]], [[w:Robert De Niro|Robert De Niro]] & [[w:Jonathan Ross|Jonathan Ross]]
<hr width="50%"/>

:''[after Mother with sick son gets Andy to promise to visit him in hospital]''
:'''Lindsay''': Bit weird isn't it?
:'''Andy''': Bit presumptuous.
:'''Lindsay''': No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.
<hr width=50%>
:'''Darren''': So... have you ever driven a taxi in real life?

:'''Robert De Niro''': ...No.

=Christmas Special=
:'''''Original Air Date''''': December 27, 2007
:'''''Guest Star(s)''''': [[w:Lionel Blair|Lionel Blair]], [[w:Dean Gaffney|Dean Gaffney]], [[w:Toby Foster|Toby Foster]], [[w:Hale & Pace|Hale & Pace]], [[w:George Michael|George Michael]], [[w:Clive Owen|Clive Owen]], [[w:Gordon Ramsay|Gordon Ramsay]], [[w:Lisa Scott-Lee|Lisa Scott-Lee]], [[w:Chico Slimani|Chico Slimani]], [[w:June Sarpong|June Sarpong]], [[w:Vernon Kay|Vernon Kay]], [[w:Karl Pilkington|Karl Pilkington]], and [[w:David Tennant|David Tennant]]
<hr width=50%>

:''[as they pass the TV displays in the department store]''
:'''Maggie''': Look, it's Greg in a film!
:'''Andy''': Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day.
:'''Maggie''': No, wait, I want to see! ''[the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen]'' I love Clive Owen.
:'''Andy''': ''[scoffs]'' Clive. Good name for a film star. ''Clive''...
:'''Maggie''': ''[as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors]'' Greg seems good in it!
:'''Andy''': ''[shrugging]'' Bit part.
:'''Ross''': I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film...
:'''Maggie''': He's one of the leads!
:'''Andy''': In a terrible film.
:'''Ross''': ...I thought the film was brilliant...
:'''Maggie''': He thought it was brilliant!
:'''Andy''': Oh, I can hear!

<hr width=50%>

:'''Andy''': I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
:'''Darren''': ''Celebrity Big Brother'' have been on the phone.
:'''Andy''': You're not listening to me!
:'''Darren''': It's good money.
:'''Andy''': Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
:'''Darren''': Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
:'''Andy''': Yeah.
:'''Darren''': Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
:'''Andy''': Right.
:'''Darren''': Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
:'''Andy''': What do you mean, you said no?
:'''Darren''': Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
:'''Andy''': ''Always'' do the audition!
:'''Darren''': But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! ''[Shaun/Barry laughs openly]''
:'''Andy''': Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
:'''Darren''': Who?
:'''Andy''': Me!
:'''Darren''': No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
:'''Andy''': Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
:'''Darren''': But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
:'''Andy''': Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
:'''Darren''': Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. ''[Shaun nods]''

<hr width=50%>

:''[at the audition]''
:'''Greg''': Sorry... must declare an interest, actually. Me and Andy are very old friends. We've been climbing the slippery showbiz ladder together; some of us have got a little further than others... Anyway, I won't be biased.
:'''Casting Director''': So which role are you going for?
:'''Andy''': Henry Milligan.
:'''Greg''': Hang on! Can't be Henry Milligan. It says here "age thirty-six."
:'''Andy''': Yeah. I took that as meaning mid- to late thirties.
:'''Greg''': We'll change it to "late thirties." ''[makes a note]'' Hang on, can't be Henry Milligan. Says here "late thirties."

<hr width=50%>

:'''Michael''': ''[approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper]'' Hello, Bunny.
:'''Bunny''': Oh, hi, George.
:'''Michael''': ''[sitting down]'' Any action? ''[looks at his watch]'': Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.
:'''Andy''': Lunch break?
:'''Michael''': Yeah, I'm doing community service.
:'''Andy''': Oh, are you still doing that?
:'''Michael''': Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.
:'''Andy''': Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?
:'''Michael''': Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.
:'''Andy''': How'd they get involved, then?
:'''Michael''': Well, it was Stuart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. ''[getting up]'' Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...
:'''Bunny''': Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.
:'''Michael''': Oi, I'm not that desperate.
:'''Bunny''': Cheeky bastard!
:'''Michael''': Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.
:'''Bunny''': Love to.
:'''Michael''': Yeah? Cheers.
:'''Bunny''': Cheers. ''[to Andy, as Michael leaves]'' I've had him before, you know. In his car.
:'''Andy''': Wasn't that a bit cramped?
:'''Bunny''': Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.

<hr width=50%>
:''[seeing the extra his character is supposed to have slept with]''
:'''Clive Owen''': Oh, fuck off! I'm Clive Owen, that's mental!

<hr width=50%>

:'''Shaun''': ''[packing after Andy has fired Darren]'' What about these? ''[pointing at some binders on the window sill]''
:'''Darren''': Nothing in 'em. Just put them up there because the local kids run by and peer in and shout insults.
:'''Shaun''': Kids can be cruel, eh?
:'''Darren''': Yeah. They can.
:'''Shaun''': What do they say?
:'''Darren''': You know what they say.
:'''Shaun''': What, "lanky four-eyed twat"?
:'''Darren''': Yeah.
:'''Shaun''': "Weirdo goggle-eyed gimp"?
:'''Darren''': Sometimes.
:'''Shaun''': "Frankenstein's albino gonk"?
:'''Darren''': I've never heard that one.
:'''Shaun''': It's so easy to have a go at a bloke who looks like you, you're just easy pickings, and it's... ''[trails off and shakes his head]''
:'''Darren''': "Sheepshagger" they've said sometimes as well.
:'''Shaun''': I thought "sheepshagger" was Welsh.
:'''Darren''': No, it can be Bristol as well.
:'''Shaun''': I thought Bristol was inbreeding.
:'''Darren''': Sheepshagging, inbreeding, slavery... we're famous for loads of stuff down there.
:'''Shaun''': Oh, all right.
:''[pause]''
:'''Darren''': Bar?
:'''Shaun''': Yeah?
:'''Darren''': I could do with a hug, mate.
:'''Shaun''': Yeah. ''[They hug. A kid walks by, looks in the window, and shouts, "Queers!"]'' Ignore him.

<hr width=50%>

:''[at the Ivy]''
:'''Maggie''': I'm not sure you should actually come here, even. This place just seems to annoy you. You always saying, "He's got an acting part" that you wanted, or, "He's got credibility and he doesn't deserve it." If you worry about things like that, you're never going to be happy. No matter how successful you get, you'll never be famous enough.
:'''Andy''': Thank you, Dr. Freud. Next conversation.
:'''Maggie''': ''[is quiet for a second, then smiles brightly]'' What would you rather be? A penguin that can't fly, but it swims around in the water like a fish -- but it is a bird -- or a flying fish that can fly, but it is essentially still just a fish...
:'''Andy''': Oh, fuck it. I can't do these stupid questions anymore. Seriously. We're grown-ups.

<hr width=50%>
:''[after being denied entrance, Andy bursts into the Ivy, where his new agent is having lunch with Greg]''
:'''Andy''': Trey!
:'''Manager''': Excuse me!
:'''Trey''': ''[beckons Andy over]'' What are you doing?
:'''Andy''': What are ''you'' doing? You haven't been returning my calls!
:'''Trey''': Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.
:'''Andy''': Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!
:'''Trey''': Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.
:'''Greg''': Guilty as charged.
:'''Andy''': Yeah... what about me?
:'''Trey''': All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?
:'''Greg''': Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?
:'''Andy''': Both.
:'''Trey''': Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. ''What do you want?''
:''[long pause]''
:'''Andy''': Rich and famous. And on the telly.
:'''Trey''': Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?
:'''Andy''': Yes.
:'''Trey''': Comedy panel shows?
:'''Andy''': Yup.
:'''Greg''': You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.
:'''Andy''': Yes, I know how they work.
:'''Greg''': ''[to Trey] Emmerdale''.
:'''Trey''': Oh, good, yeah. Well this is great! I'd much rather have a client who'll do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "Oh, I don't wanna do that" or "Oh, that's beneath me" -- oh, hold on. There is one other thing. Might have to pull some strings.
:'''Andy''': Pull 'em.
:''[cut to Andy entering the Big Brother house]''

<hr width=50%>

:'''Marcus Bentley''': Day three. Lionel is dancing again.

<hr width=50%>

:'''Blair''': Do you know what I look forward to these days? Death.

<hr width=50%>

:'''Amy''': Andy, would you come to my ''Hello'' wedding?
:'''Andy''': To your ''Hello'' wedding?
:'''Amy''': Yeah. ''[when Andy doesn't answer]'' Are you all right?
:'''Andy''': No. ''[sighs]'' What are we doing? Selling ourselves, selling everything. "Happiest day of my life. Oh, quick, I'd better do the invites and bake a cake -- and get a press tent. Must have a press tent. It's a wedding." You know, "I must see pictures of myself with other people I'm in a program with. Oh, and now I'm pregnant! Maybe we should televise the birth, get Ruby Wax to present it. Maybe it'll make Jimmy Carr's Hundred Greatest Caesarians." ''[to Amy]'' I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities, living their life out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi! And then they come out and they do their second autobiography. "This one's called ''Love Me or I'll Kill Myself''!" Oh, kill yourself then. ''[Maggie, watching at home lying on the couch, lifts her head up]'' And the papers lap it up. They follow us round, and that makes people think we're important, and that makes ''us'' think we're important. ''[Maggie sits up]'' If they stopped following us round taking pictures of us, people wouldn't take to the streets going, "Ooh, quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple!" They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else! They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper, and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is, "Cover up, Lindsay, we can see your knickers!" Course you can see her knickers; your photographer is ''lying in the road'', ''pointing his camera up her dress'', to ''see'' her knickers! You're ''literally'' the gutter press. ''[loudly, into his microphone]'' And fuck you, the makers of this show, as well! You can't wash your hands of ''this'', you can't keep going, "Oh, it's exploitation but it's what the public want!" No! ''[Maggie watches openmouthed]'' The Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called ''Big Brother''. Or ''The X Factor'', where in the preliminary rounds, we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires. And fuck you for watching this at home. ''[Gestures to the cameras]'' Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all, 'cause I'm one of these people that goes, "Oh, I'm an entertainer. It's in my blood." Yeah, it's in my blood 'cause a real job's too hard. I would've loved to've been a doctor; Too hard, didn't want to put the work in. Love to be a war hero; I'm too scared. ''[Maggie starts to cry]'' So I go, "It's what I do." And I have someone bollocked if my cappucino's cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. Do you know what a friend of mine once said? They said I'll never be happy 'cause I'll never be famous enough. And they were right. ''[Looks directly at the camera, talking to Maggie]'' And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. ''[struggling not to cry]'' And you never did ''anything'' wrong. It was ''everything'' else. And I'll never do that again, I'll never treat you like that again. And it's ''eating'' at me -- you asked me a stupid question once, and I just- I could have ''answered'' it, and I ''didn't'', 'cause I was -- I'll answer it now... I'd be the penguin. ''[Maggie laughs]'' 'Cause I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking: why doesn't the fish fly away? Well, they can't really fly, they sort of glide and flap; they ''should'' be called "glidey flappy" fish. ''[Maggie laughs again]'' I'm so sorry.
:'''Darren''': ''[watching at the Carphone Warehouse, grins and wipes his eyes]'' I've been waiting to hear that, mate!
:'''Shaun''': I don't think he means --
:'''Darren''': He's a good guy. He's a good guy.
:'''Shaun''': ...Yeah.
:'''Andy''': I'm gonna go now. Cheers. ''[gets up and walks to the door; Amy follows]''
:'''Amy''': Andy, that was- that was amazing.
:'''Andy''': Cheers.
:'''Amy''': I'm gonna come with you.
:'''Andy''': Okay.
:'''Amy''': Just give me five minutes, there's paparazzi out there, I'll put on a bikini. ''[Runs to her room. Andy stands still for a second and then walks out without her]''

<hr width=50%>

:'''Andy''': Hi.
:'''Maggie''': Hello.
:'''Andy''': Going?
:'''Maggie''': Yeah. ''[Andy gets in her car]'' Saw you on the telly.
:'''Andy''': ''[Laughing]'' Did you?
:'''Maggie''': Good.
:'''Andy''': Good.
:'''Maggie''': Where are we going?
:'''Andy''': Somewhere where no one cares who I am.
:'''Maggie''': Back to the Ivy, then? ''[They make faces at each other]''
:'''Andy''': Seriously... somewhere where no one knows me.
:''[pause]''
:'''Maggie''': Hollywood?
:'''Andy''': Oh, the hits keep coming!

<hr width=50%>
:''[Last lines]''
:'''Andy''': Seriously, where d'you wanna go?
:'''Maggie''': What, can I go anywhere?
:'''Andy''': Yeah.
:'''Maggie''': All right, then. Where do the flying fish live?
:'''Andy''': In the sea.
:'''Maggie''': Let's go there, then.
:'''Andy''': "Two first-class tickets to the ''sea'', please." ''[Maggie laughs]''

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Sitcoms]]

Cars Toons

2015-01-23T14:20:14Z

Gene96:

'''''[[w:Cars Toons|Cars Toon: Mater's Tall Tales]]''''' is an [[w:United States|American]] series of computer animated short films or ''Cars Toons'' by [[w:Pixar|Pixar]].
==Mater==
* If I'm lying, I'm crying.
* You were there, too.

== Rescue Squad Mater ==
:'''Lightning Mcqueen''': Mater, I cannot believe you were a fire truck.
:'''Mater''': Well don't you remember? For Pete's sake, you was there too.
<hr width"25%">
:'''Mater''': Get him to hospital, fast! He's overheated!
:'''Ambeline''': On my way!

== El Materdor ==
:'''Lightning''': Hey look, bulldozers.

== Heavy Metal Mater ==
:'''Lightning Mcqueen''': You were Heavy Metal Mater?
:'''Mater''': No, ''we'' was Heavy Metal Mater.

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Short films]]
[[Category:Computer-animated films]]
[[Category:Disney Channel shows]]

Atomic Betty

2015-01-23T14:16:39Z

Gene96:

'''''[[w:Atomic Betty|Atomic Betty]]''''' (known as '''''Atomic Betty: Mission Earth''''' for the third season) is a Canadian-French [[w:animated series|animated]] [[w:science fantasy|science fantasy]] television series produced by [[w:Atomic Cartoons|Atomic Cartoons]], [[w:Breakthrough Films & Television|Breakthrough Films & Television]], and [[w:Tele Images Kids|Tele Images Kids]].
== Season 1 ==
=== Atomic Roger ===

:'''Maximus''': How much longer is this going to take?
:'''Minimus''': I trying to capture to your good side sir. It's not so easy!
:'''Maximus''': Show me what you've done?
:'''Minimus''': I think it's quite a good likeness myself.
:'''Maximus''': I Want more than just a foot! I Want a giant gold statue a hundred feet high prodclamming my glory to all the galaxy!
:'''Minimus''': But we've only stolen enough gold for the foot! uhh, and one ear.
:'''Maximus''': Then STEAL MORE GOLD!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Maximus''': Who is this new guardian who foled my plan?!
:'''Minimus''': Oh! Atomic Roger, sir? HE'S RUNNING EVERYTHING?! Though he does have fantasic hair.
:'''Maximus''': Huh? Who case about this hair?! Behold! Let's see this Atomic Roger stop my new army of gold filtering robots! (laughs) FLY, MY PRETTES, FLY!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Betty''': C'mon guys! I'm not afraid to get dirty?!
:'''Maxmius''': With that hair I'm not surprised.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Maximus''': That girl was bad enough, with that Roger?!
:'''Minimus''': (Sycophant) Isn't he dreamy? (Grumbler) Eh... I mean... what a jerk!

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Sparky''': This is it! Maximus' Robots are robbing this gold mines of Abraxax 4!
:'''Betty''': X-5, get us into hyperspace... and both of you, stop looking at my hair!

=== Toxic Talent ===

:'''Maximus''': I know that voice...
:'''Minimus''': Sounds like Atomic Betty... she's not bad.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Maximus''': Atomic Betty. Welcome to my dance party.
:'''Minimus''': Except you weren't invited. *Burps*
:'''Maximus''': Watch your manners.

<hr width="50%"/>
:'''Betty''': What in the cosmos is that?!

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Animated TV shows‎]]

Crash of the Titans

2015-01-23T14:10:51Z

Gene96:

'''''[[w:Crash of the Titans|Crash of the Titans]]''''' is an action/adventure game from the [[w:Crash Bandicoot (series)|Crash Bandicoot series]]. It was released by [[w:Radical Entertainment|Radical Entertainment]] for [[w:Nintendo Wii|Nintendo Wii]], [[w:PlayStation 2|PlayStation 2]], [[w:PlayStation Portable|PSP]], [[w:Nintendo DS|Nintendo DS]] and [[w:Xbox 360|Xbox 360]] on [[w:October 3|October 3]], [[w:2007|2007]]. ''Titans'' follows the story of [[w:Major characters of Crash Bandicoot#Crash Bandicoot|Crash Bandicoot]] trying to stop [[w:Major characters of Crash Bandicoot#Doctor Neo Cortex|Doctor Neo Cortex]] of assaulting a magical substance called Mojo so he can create more powerful mutants and power-up a gargantuan robot that he'll use to smash Wumpa Island, Crash's new home.

===Aku Aku===
* Listen up, corn dog. You help us or Crash is gonna sing you some knuckle music.
* No, probably not food, Crash. A bad treat!

===Coco Bandicoot===
* Your... hair is dumb!

* Whip her butt and then we'll get pancakes! With cherry topping!

===Doctor Neo Cortex===
* Is... Is this thing on? Yeah? Ha ha! I'm back, babies! Surrender to Cortex!

* Hey, genius. I can't actually hear you. I'm really far away and I'm flying like a hovercraft or something.

* I'm off to do bad things! Ta ta!

* Crash, you gullible fool! You walked right into my trap. Now I'll have you and the Mojo!

* How long have had that in your pants?

''When a Titan is jacked''

* Not that guy! I liked that guy! As a friend...

* Stop helping him! Snap out of it!

* You were my favorite!

===Nina Cortex===
* Oh, I hope Crash tries. I really do. After all, I need a new fur coat.(laughs)

* And as for you, I really didn't want to do this myself. I really wanted one of my idiot underlings to destroy you. I really didn't want to get hair all over my clothes! But if you want something done right, use a giant spider-bot!

===Doctor N. Gin===
* Thank you, master! / Thank you again!! Hotter than the first!

* Ah, come on. He didn't even have a cup.

* That's right, tough guy! Unless you want to buy a new stationery, you respect the master!!

* Crash, you fool! You are too late! It's time to drop the doom hammer on you. Eh, the doom hammer of doom... upon you, and... LET'S JUST DANCE, BABY!

* Of course not! Disgusting, filthy bandicoots! I hate them with cheese.

* They made it here! Now they can help us save Doctor Cortex! / Don't be ridiculous, you stupid hominid! We're with Nina now! We're with the winner! / But Doctor Cortex is our friend... / You don't have any friends! He always kicked you in the tokus! And other... very... gentle spots! / But I liked it when he did that... / It was kinda fun... Listen. We make a deal with this filthy rodent and pie-nuts-face and they help us save the master. Then we shower them with doom! / Yes! We shower them good! Right in the eyes!

* I'll be good! I Promise I'll be good! And once my precious master has been freed, I'll gladly betray you!

* You don't even look like a bandicoot!

* That's right, stupids! You have to go to Uka Uka's lab and stop him. That's where they make all the delicious mutants! Maybe your revolting sister is there, too. Eww... girls...

''Factory intercom announcements''

* I'll ruin you like I ruined my prom!

* Shower him with fisticuffs! Or is it cuftifists? GAH just hit him!

* More polka themes or cantastic doom. Cabbage rolls and coffee!

* Ooh you're going to love this part! YES! LOVE IT!

* Enjoy... your SCREAMING DOOM!

* Oh, I am the worst thing to happen to music... since Andrew Lloyd Webber!

* Come on everybody! Sing along, you all know the tune! Doooomy doomy-doooom doom... shooby-doomy-doomy doooom doom... Eh heh heh!

* Ooh I love this part! I could be on Cyborg Idol if that show existed, WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THAT SHOW!?

* Attention disgusting monkeys, Crash Bandicoot has been sighted in the facility. Please take a moment to look around your work space. If you find a bandicoot, please DROP HUGE BOMBS ON THEM! CAUSE EXPLOSIONS, AND SHARP THINGS TO FLY INTO THEIR BODIES! AH HEH HEH HEH HEH! Reminder - tomorrow is muffin day in the cafeteria, mmm, muffins! That is all.

* More minions! I covet it! VICTORY!

* Ha ha! Ha ha! Who is the toady sidekick now?!

* Running a little low on minions, I gotta wonder why I don't send them all in at once.

* Attention FILTHY MONKEYS! I have lost my toast recipe. Repeat, my family recipe for toast has been lost, butter supply arrived shortly, BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO PUT IT ON! SOMEBODY HELP ME! I wrote the recipe down on a little post-it note, but can't find it. Also Crash Bandicoot has been sighted yadda yadda yadda... peace out homies.

* I wish my brother George was here. Oh, but he was always so superficial.

* I should do a bit on phonetic punctuation while I am up here.

* Stop him, minions! He's after my radioactive... RUBBER PANTS!

* Maybe these little cupcakes will be your undoing! Mmm, cupcakes! You are like little cups of cake! I just told you but you already know...

* Let's go underlings, let's go! Let's go- LET'S SEE SOME TEAM SPIRIT OUT THERE!

* Someone take out the trash! And by trash, I mean Crash! Hey that rhymes, I should start a record label... THEN I CAN GET SOME CHICKS! I'M TIRED OF MONKEYS!

* Spew forth more bad guys! DO IT!

* Try this one for size, Mister Hairy Butt! ...GROSS, I'm gonna be sick!

* You have no one to blame... but your stupid face!

* Attention, revolting yet beloved Doom Monkey servants. Tomorrow is 'Make-Your-Child-Work-In-The-Corps Day. Be sure to bring your many rat-like offspring so we can make them do work considered unsafe for robots. Also, please note that Friday is Hawaiian Shirt Day, so try to find a sufficiently tacky shirt. That is all.

===Tiny Tiger===
* Crash, I really am crossed with you! I'm just trying to do my job, and you go and cause all this chaos! I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to eat your face.

* Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I wish some sort of reconsideration is possible here. And frankly, I'm still mad about the last game! You didn't even invite me! That really hurts!

===Uka Uka===
* I'll get the last laugh! (laughs) I'm laughing now too, just in case.

* Oh yes. I will kill Crash Bandicoot. Kill him... forever.

==Dialogue==
* '''Doctor Neo Cortex''': Crash, you gullible fool! You walked right into my trap. Now I'll have you and the Mojo!
:'''Coco Bandicoot''': Cortex, why do you keep doing stuff like this?
:'''Doctor Neo Cortex''': Well, actually, it's pretty fun! You should try it! You know, riding around in huge, rumbling machines and what-not... very stimulating! ''[Crash looks confused]'' Uka Uka taught me a new process called "Mojo mutations". I will use the stolen Mojo to create to create a huge army of loyal mutants, not rejects, like you guys!
:'''Coco Bandicoot''': You jerk!
:'''Doctor Neo Cortex''': But best of all, I will this army to construct a mighty robot. The largest doomsday device I ever built! I will smash Wumpa Island and take over the world! And I shall call this robot.. the '''''Doominator!''''' ''[Crash has a scared look on his face]''
:'''Coco Bandicoot''': That name sucks!
:'''Uka Uka''': Cortex, deal with Crash and my pathetic brother. I will take the Mojo and the Bandicoot female back to our base.
:''[the Mojo Vacuum goes back into Cortex's dirigible and drops Yuktopus to deal with Crash and Aku Aku while Cortex watches]''

* ''[Crash and Aku Aku unjacks Yuktopus]''
:'''Doctor Neo Cortex''': You think you've won, you furry simpleton?! Well, Uka Uka got away with the Mojo and your sister! You'll never find them in time! The next time you see me, Crash, I'll be controlling a world-conquering robot! ''[laughs maniacally while his rocket shoes take off]'' Oh, I love to laugh. ''[he flies off]''
:'''Aku Aku''': Come on, Crash! We're gonna get Coco back! ''[Crash speaks gibberish]'' Crash, we must stop them! We have to follow Cortex and find out where they're taking Coco. ''[Crash speaks more gibberish as he points to Yuktopus]'' Oh, him, yeah. Leave him here, I guess. He seams okay. ''[Yuktopus looks confused]''

* '''Uka Uka''': That was ridiculous and appalling! You failed to destroy Crash Bandicoot!
:'''Doctor Neo Cortex''': I don't see what the big deal is! We got away with the Mojo and Crash's sister!
:'''Uka Uka''': ''I'' got away with the Mojo, and the big deal is that Crash Bandicoot is still alive! Cortex, I'm going to replace you!
:''[Cortex starts to drink the tea N.Gin gave to them, and then spits out on N.Gin's face]''
:'''Doctor N.Gin''': AAAGH! Thank you, master! ''[giggles insanely]''
:'''Doctor Neo Cortex''': You can't replace me! My name's on the stationary!
:'''Doctor N.Gin''': That's right, tough guy! Unless you want to buy a new stationery, YOU RESPECT THE MASTER!
:'''Tiny Tiger''': It's really nice stationery, too.
:'''Doctor N.Gin''': Oh, I know! Glossy!
:'''Uka Uka''': Cortex, you have never been more wrong!
:'''Doctor Neo Cortex''': Thank you. ''[comes to realization]'' What?! What do you mean?! ''[throws the teacup on N.Gin's face]''
:'''Doctor N.Gin''': AAAAUUUUUUGH!!! Thank you again! Hotter than the first! ''[gives Cortex two thumbs up]''
:'''Uka Uka''': Allow me to announce your replacement: Nina Cortex! ''[Nina and two Brat Girls appear on the screen]''
:''[Cortex spits tea on N.Gin's face again]''
:'''Doctor N.Gin''': Ah, come on! He didn't even have a cup!
:'''Nina Cortex''': Take out the trash, girls!

* ''[Nina has Cortex tied upside down]''
:'''Nina Cortex''': Sorry, Uncle, but it's time for some young blood to lead us to victory. And now that we have Coco, we can make ''her'' build the robot.
:'''Coco Bandicoot''': You won't get away with this! Crash will come for me and kick your butt!
:'''Nina Cortex''': Oh, I hope Crash tries, I really do. After all, I need a new fur coat. ''[laughs maniacally]'' Get to work on the Doominator! Make more mutant soldiers! I want Wumpa Island smashed flat!
:'''Coco Bandicoot''': Your... hair is dumb!
:'''Nina Cortex''': Oh, shut her up. ''[a mind-control helmet is dropped on Coco's head]''

* '''Tiny Tiger''': Stop! No more, please! You're just too stupendous and fantabulous! Honestly, you're just awesome. I'll tell you where to go. Nina took Coco to the factory on the beach.
:'''Crash Bandicoot''': Nina? ''[gibberish]''
:'''Aku Aku''': Nina? You mean Doctor Cortex, don't you?
:'''Tiny Tiger''': No, Nina! Uka Uka and her got rid of Cortex. They were tired of Cortex failing all the time.
:'''Aku Aku''': This isn't good, Crash. Nina's a lot smarter than Cortex ever could be. I'll take us there now. Get ready, Crash! ''[they teleport to N.Gin's factory in N. Sanity Island]''

==Tagline==
* '''Bring on the Titans!'''

==Voice cast==
* [[w:Jess Harnell|Jess Harnell]]: Crash Bandicoot
* [[w:Lex Lang|Lex Lang]]: Doctor Neo Cortex
* [[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]]: Coco Bandicoot
* [[w:Greg Eagles|Greg Eagles]]: Aku Aku
* [[w:Chris Williams (actor)|Chris Williams]]: Tiny Tiger, Crunch Bandicoot
* [[w:John DiMaggio|John DiMaggio]]: Uka Uka
* [[w:Nolan North|Nolan North]]: Doctor N. Gin
* [[w:Amy Gross|Amy Gross]]: Nina Cortex

== External links==
{{Wikipedia}}

[[Category:Electronic games]]

Arnold Hauser

2015-01-23T14:10:04Z

Gene96:

'''[[w:Arnold Hauser (art historian)|Arnold Hauser]]''' (8 May 1892, Timişoara, Romania – 28 January 1978, Budapest) was a Hungarian art historian.

== Quotes ==
* We do not exactly know the sociological reason for reverence for the past; it may be rooted in tribal and family solidarity or in the endeavour of the privileged classes to base their privileges on heredity. However that may be, the feeling that what is old must be better is still so strong that art historians and archaeologists do not shrink even from historical falsification when attempting to prove that the style of art which appeals to them most is also the oldest.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter I. Prehistoric Times

* But the most remarkable thing about prehistoric naturalism is not that it is older than the geometric style, which makes so much more of a primitive impression, but that it already reveals all the typical phases of development through which art has passed in modern times and is not in any sense the merely instinctive, static, a-historical phenomenon which scholars obsessed with geometric and rigorously formal art declare it to be. This is an art which advances from a linear faithfulness to nature, in which individual forms are still shaped somewhat rigidly and laboriously, to a more nimble and sparkling, almost impressionistic technique.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter I. Prehistoric Times

* The partial absorption of art by domestic industry and by domestic female crafts, that is to say, the fusion of artistic activity with other activities, is a retrogression from the standpoint of the division of labour and professional differentiation.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter I. Prehistoric Times

* The end of the Neolithic age betokens almost as universal a re-orientation of life, almost as profound a revolution of economy and society, as its beginning. Then the break was marked by the transition from mere consumption to production, from primitive individualism to co-operation, now it is marked by the beginning of independent trade and handicrafts, the rise of cities and markets, and the agglomeration and differentiation of the population.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter II. Ancient Oriental Urban cultures

* If the resistances in one direction are impossible to overcome, then the artist’s invention and powers of expression turn to a goal the way to which is not obstructed, and it is very unusual for him even to be aware of the fact that his achievement is a substitute for the real thing. Even in the most liberal democracy the artist does not move with perfect freedom and unrestraint; even there he is restricted by innumerable considerations foreign to his art. The different measure of freedom may be of the greatest importance for him personally but in principle there is no difference between the dictates of a despot and the conventions of even the most liberal social order. If force in itself were contrary to the spirit of art, perfect works of art could arise only in a state of complete anarchy. But in reality the presuppositions on which the aesthetic quality of a work depends lie beyond the alternative presented by political freedom and compulsion.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter II. Ancient Oriental Urban cultures

* The stereotyped style of cultic representations was well known as early as the Neolithic age, but the stiffly ceremonial forms of courtly art are absolutely new and come into prominence here for the first time in the history of human culture. They reflect the rule of a higher, superindividual social order, of a world which owes its greatness and splendour to the favour of the king. They are anti-individualistic, static and conventional … All the good things and the charms of life are connected, for the privileged members of this society, with their separation from the other classes, and all the maxims which they follow assume more or less the character of rules of decorum and etiquette. This decorum and etiquette, the whole self-stylization of the upper class, demand among other things that one does not allow oneself to be portrayed as one really is, but according to how one must appear to conform with certain hallowed conventions, remote from reality and the present time. Etiquette is the highest law not merely for the ordinary mortal, but also for the king, and in the imagination of this society even the gods accept the forms of courtly ceremonial.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter II. Ancient Oriental Urban cultures

* The traditional picture of the blind old singer of Chios is largely made up of memories that go back to the time when a poet was a vates— a priestly and God-inspired seer. His blindness is merely the outward sign of the inward light that fills his being and enables him to see things others cannot see. This bodily infirmity expresses— as does the lameness of the divine smith Hephaestus—a second idea that was current in primitive times, that a maker of poems, ornaments and other products of handicraft can only come from the ranks of those who are unfit for war and foray. But apart from this feature, the legendary ‘Homer’ is an almost perfect example of the mythical poet who was still half-divine, a wonder-worker and a prophet. We find the clearest embodiment of this idea in Orpheus, the primeval singer who had his harp from Apollo and instruction in the art of song from the Muse herself; with his music he could move not merely men and beasts but even rocks and could reclaim Eurydice from the bonds of death.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter III. Greece and Rome

* In spite of the growing differences of income, the ever-increasing concentration of capital and the steady increase of the proletariat, in a word, in spite of the growing opposition between classes, there is everywhere a certain social levelling that, at last, puts a definite end to the privileges of birth. This is the last stage of the trend towards the abolition of social distinctions which had been going on since the days of hereditary monarchy and authoritarian priesthood. The decisive step was due to the Sophists, who invented the completely new rationalistic conception of areté,independent of birth and breeding, to which every Greek without exception could attain. The next step in this levelling is taken by the Stoics, who first enunciated standards of human value that are free from all tinge of race and nationality. The Stoics’ freedom from national prejudice merely expressed a state of affairs already achieved in the kingdoms of Alexander’s successors, just as the liberalism of the Sophists is merely a reflection of the social conditions due to the rise of the commercial and industrial bourgeoisie of the cities.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter III. Greece and Rome

* Such specialization and depersonalization of enquiry led inevitably to a taste for mere erudition and a temptation to eclecticism.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter III. Greece and Rome

* At last the bourgeois has a theatre of his own in which he really feels at home. In every little town there is a modest building, and in the big cities those new palaces of stone or marble whose remains still survive.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter III. Greece and Rome

* The art of representing the human figure in the ancient world begins and ends with ‘frontality’.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter III. Greece and Rome

* The unity of the Middle Ages as a historical period is quite artificial. In reality they fall into three entirely distinct cultural periods—the natural economy of the early Middle Ages; the courtly chivalry of the high Middle Ages; and the urban bourgeois culture of the late Middle Ages. At any rate, the divisions between these three epochs go deeper than those which mark the beginning and the end of the Middle Ages as a whole.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* The ‘spirituality’ of this art, in which scholars have tried to find all the essentials of the later medieval conceptions of art, is in reality only the same indefinite sort of spirituality which inspired the last centuries of paganism.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* Early Christian art during the first two or three centuries of its existence was merely a development or even a variant of late Roman art. So great is the similarity between late pagan and early Christian work that the decisive change of style must have occurred between the classical and post-classical, not between the pagan and Christian eras.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* There can be no question that such a gap existed in early Christian art. What has been praised in it as deliberate simplification, masterly concentration or conscious idealizing and intensifying of the actual is in reality often just incapacity and poverty, just a helpless inability to render natural forms correctly, and a primitive bungling of the drawing.This clumsiness and ungainliness of early Christian art is not mastered until after the Edict of Toleration, when it became the official art of state and court, of aristocratic and educated circles.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* The new Christian ideal of life did not at first alter the outward forms of art, but did alter its social function.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* It would never have been possible for Byzantine court art to become the Christian art par excellence, if the Church itself had not become an absolute authority and had not felt itself to be mistress of the world. In other words, the Byzantine style was only able to gain a footing everywhere where there was a Christian art, because the Catholic Church in the West desired to become the power the Emperor was already in Byzantium.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* The late Middle Ages not merely has a successful middle class—it is in fact a middle-class period.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* The structure of the nobility is changed along with that of the state, but it preserves its continuity with the past intact. Knighthood, on the other hand, as the exclusive warrior-class and upholder of secular culture, decays completely. The process is protracted and the ideals of chivalry do not lose their alluring splendour from one day to the next—least of all in the eyes of the middle classes. But behind the scenes everything is set for the fall of Don Quixote.—The decline of the knighthood has been connected with the new methods of warfare introduced in the late Middle Ages, and it has been pointed out that the heavily accoutred cavalry suffered a severe reverse whenever they met the infantry of the new mercenary armies or the foot of the peasant brigades.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume I. From Prehistoric Times to the Middle Ages'', Chapter IV. The Middle Ages

* The Renaissance discovery of nature was an invention of nineteenth-century liberalism which played off the Renaissance delight in nature against the Middle Ages, in order to strike a blow at the romantic philosophy of history. For when Burckhardt says that the ‘discovery of the world and of man’was an achievement of the Renaissance, this thesis is, at the same time, an attack on romantic reaction and an attempt to ward off the propaganda designed to spread the romantic view of medieval culture. The doctrine of the spontaneous naturalism of the Renaissance comes from the same source as the theory that the fight against the spirit of authority and hierarchy, the ideal of freedom of thought and freedom of conscience, the emancipation of the individual and the principle of democracy, are achievements of the fifteenth century. In all this the light of the modern age is contrasted with the darkness of the Middle Ages.
** ''The Social History of Art', Volume II. Renaissance, Mannerism, Baroque'', Chapter 1. The Concept of the Renaissance

* Mannerism came so late into the foreground of research on the history of art, that the depreciatory verdict implied in its very name is often still taken to be adequate, and the unprejudiced conception of this style as a purely historical category has be.
** ''The Social History of Art', Volume II. Renaissance, Mannerism, Baroque'', Chapter 5. The Concept of Mannerism

* As an artistic style, mannerism conformed to a divided outlook on life which was, nevertheless, spread uniformly all over Western Europe; the baroque is the expression of an intrinsically more homogeneous worldview, but one which assumes a variety of shapes in the different European countries. Mannerism, like Gothic, was a universal European phenomenon, even if it was restricted to much narrower circles than the Christian art of the Middle Ages; the baroque, on the other hand, embraces so many ramifications of artistic endeavour, appears in so many different forms in the individual countries and spheres of cultures, that it seems doubtful at first sight whether it is possible to reduce them all to a common denominator.
** ''The Social History of Art', Volume II. Renaissance, Mannerism, Baroque'', Chapter 8. The Concept of Baroque

* The historical importance of the Carracci is extraordinary; the history of the whole of modern ‘church art’ begins with them.
** ''The Social History of Art', Volume II. Renaissance, Mannerism, Baroque'', Chapter 9. The Baroque of the Catholic Courts

* Intellectual leadership in the eighteenth century passes from France to economically, socially and politically more progressive England. The great romantic movement starts here about the middle of the century, but the enlightenment also receives its decisive impulse from this country. The French writers of the period see in English institutions the quintessence of progress and build up a legend around English liberalism—a legend which only partly corresponds to reality. The displacement of France as the upholder of culture by England proceeds hand in hand with the decadence of the French royal house as the leading European power and, hence, the eighteenth century sees the ascent of England both in politics and in the arts and sciences.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume III. Rococo, Classicism and Romanticism'', Chapter 2. The New Reading Public

* There is, as Tocqueville remarks, almost no political question which is not connected in some way with the imposition or the granting of taxes. At any rate, problems of taxation dominated public life in England from the end of the Middle Ages and became in the seventeenth century the immediate cause of the revolutionary movements.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume III. Rococo, Classicism and Romanticism'', Chapter 2. The New Reading Public

* Rousseau’s ideas were in the air; he only expressed what many of his contemporaries knew, namely that they were faced with a choice and had to decide either for Voltairianism, with its reasonableness and respectability, or for the surrender of historical traditions and a completely new beginning. There is no personal relationship in the whole history of European culture with more profound symbolic significance than that between Voltaire and Rousseau.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume III. Rococo, Classicism and Romanticism'', Chapter 2. The New Reading Public

* The mania for self-observation and self-admiration in literature and the view that a work is the more true and the more convincing, the more directly the author reveals himself in it, are part of the intellectual inheritance of Rousseau. In the next hundred to hundred and fifty years everything of importance in European literature is stamped with this subjectivism. Not only Werther, René, Obermann, Adolphe, Jacopo Ortis, are among the successors of Saint-Preux, but also the heroes in later novels— from Balzac’s Lucien de Rubempré, Stendhal’s Julien Sorel, Flaubert’s Frédéric Moreau and Emma Bovary to Tolstoy’s Pierre, Proust’s Marcel and Thomas Mann’s Hans Castorp—are derived from it. They all suffer from the discrepancy between dream and reality and are the victim of the conflict between their illusions and practical, commonplace, middle-class life.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume III. Rococo, Classicism and Romanticism'', Chapter 2. The New Reading Public

* The fundamental difference between composing for a nobleman or a personal patron in general and working for the anonymous concert public is that the commissioned work is usually intended for a single performance, whereas the concert piece is written for as many repeats as possible. That explains not only the greater degree of care with which such a work is often composed but also the more exacting way in which the composer presents it. Now that it is possible to create works which would not be consigned to oblivion so quickly as commissioned works, he 76 sets out to create ‘immortal’ works. Haydn already composes much more cautiously and slowly than his predecessors. But even he writes over a hundred symphonies; Mozart writes only half as many and Beethoven only nine.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume III. Rococo, Classicism and Romanticism'', Chapter 2. The New Reading Public

* The eighteenth century is full of contradictions. It is not only that its philosophical attitude wavers between rationalism and anti-rationalism, but its artistic aims are also dominated by two 122 opposite tendencies and at some times approach a strictly classicistic, at others a more unrestrained pictorial conception. And like the rationalism of the period, its classicism is also difficult to define and open to various sociological interpretations, since it is sustained alternately by courtly-aristocratic and middle-class strata of society and ends by developing into the representative artistic style of the revolutionary bourgeoisie.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume III. Rococo, Classicism and Romanticism'', Chapter 5. Revolution and Art

* The extraordinary significance that music holds for Delacroix, and which contributes most to his admiration for Chopin, is a symptom of the new hierarchy of the arts and the prominent position which music occupies in it. It is the romantic art par excellence and Chopin the most romantic of all the romantics. In his relation to Chopin, Delacroix’s intimate connection with romanticism is brought most clearly to light.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume III. Rococo, Classicism and Romanticism'', Chapter 6. German and Western Romanticism

* We read the works of the older literature differently from those of our own age; we enjoy them purely aesthetically, that is, indirectly, disinterestedly, perfectly aware of their fictitiousness and of our self-deception.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume IV. Naturalism, impressionism, the film age'', Chpater 1. Naturalism and Impressionism

* The contrast between Tolstoy’s discretion and Dostoevsky’s exhibitionism, between the restraint of the one and the ‘dancing aboutnaked in public’ of the other—as someone says in The Possessed—is attributable to the same social gap as separated Voltaire from Rousseau.
** ''The Social History of Art, Volume IV. Naturalism, impressionism, the film age'', Chpater 1. Naturalism and Impressionism

== External links==
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